Cat and her crew are the first to show up on a new field. It's new because this place used to be the woods. But the woods got all cut down by Stannis to build siege equipment for the upcoming battle.
Wendel Manderly: Lady, there is no reason for us to stay here. Renly and Stannis mean to go to war, and we have no part of that.
Cat: Do you think I WANT to be here? No. My father is dying and I'd much rather be at Riverrun with him than here. But I promised my son that I would come here for the good of the realm. And so here I am.
Cat then does an extended flashback thinking about the history of Storm's End and shit. But you don't need to hear about that.
Stannis and his forces are the next to arrive. Stannis rides up with some lady wearing red beside him. Cat does everything she can to try to not sing "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh to herself as she sees her. But she fails.
Stannis: Oh FUCK. Cat Stark?! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't expect to see your ass. And also, my condolences about your husband dying and everything. Whatever. I didn't even like that a-hole.
Cat: WOW. And you wonder why no Lords actually want to follow you?
Stannis: What did that guy ever do for me?
Cat: Let's see, let's see... so recently he gave his life in order to defend YOUR RIGHT to be King rather than Joffrey. And if we flash back to, let's say, Robert's Rebellion... then you were also being sieged here at Storm's End and about to die. Then my husband rode up to break the siege and saved you.
Stannis: Yeah yeah yeah. So at the cost of his own life he provided the strongest evidence that I am the rightful king by blood to the Iron Throne and he also saved my life as well as the lives of all my men. BIG DEAL. I mean OTHER THAN THAT what has he ever done for me?
Cat: *sigh*
Stannis: I mean, he got to be Hand of the King when I wanted to be but I'm a petty bitch that's jealous because my brother liked him more than he liked me. Whatever. Regardless of how I feel about him, I promise to avenge your husband's murder when I capture King's Landing. And I promise to deliver you your daughters back, dead or alive. Let's be honest here. Probably dead.
Cat: You're such a charmer, Stannis.
Stannis: So you never really answered why the hell you're here. Have you and your shitty kid Robb thrown in and allied with my dickhead brother, Renly? Because you know I'm the RIGHTFUL heir. I have come here to claim Renly's armies. If you aren't with me then you're against me. etc. etc.
Cat: We haven't thrown in with anyone. I'm neutral. We only come to extend a hand in friendship to anyone who will listen and avoid senseless warring against one another.
Stannis: Wait... what was that word you said?
Cat: Which word?
Stannis: You said something in-between "hand" and "anyone who will listen."
Cat: Friendship?
Stannis: Yeah, that's it. What's that?
Cat: I'm confused. You don't know what "friendship" means?
Stannis: No.
Cat: Well, it's the emotions or conduct of friends, or the state of being friends.
Stannis: And what's a "friend?"
Cat: COME ON! You have to know what that means.
Stannis: No. I have no clue what friends are.
Cat: I'm not sure why that surprises me. It really shouldn't since nobody fucking likes you. OH WAIT! That Onion Guy. Whatshisname?
Stannis: Davos Seaworth?
Cat: Yes. Wouldn't you call him a "friend?"
Stannis: No, I'd call him my "subject."
Then Renly and his University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors ride up.
Renly: OH SHIT! Stannis!! You are looking old and rough, my man. And what the fuck is up with those banners that your army is waving? Those aren't the House Baratheon banners.
Melisandre: It is the fiery heart of the Lord of Light!!!
Renly: So I guess that "Stannis has joined a cult" thing is true, huh? Probably one of those crazy sex cults like Allison Mack from Smallville joined. Whatever. I guess it's a good thing you have a different banner. If we both had the same banner, this battle could get really confusing.
Cat: Please my Lords, I beg you not to battle one another. Our true enemy is he Lannisters.
Renly: Yeah, that's cool. I'd prefer not to fight too. And there is an easy way for that to happen. Stannis just needs to get down from his horse, walk over to me, and then bend his fucking knee.
Stannis: HELL NO! I'm the oldest. You will bend the knee to me, usurper!
Cat: Please you two, be reasonable.
Stannis: Reasonable? Speaking of usurpers, Lady Stark, I consider your son Robb to be one as well. I am the ONLY king. Once I'm done with Renly here, your shitty traitor son is next on my list.
Cat: You know, some will call YOU the usurper, given that Robert has two totally legitimate sons that come before you in the line - Joffrey and Tommen.
Everyone just laughs at that, including Cat. It is pretty hilarious.
Renly: Oh Cat, you have GOT to see the letter that Stannis sent to everyone about those kids being bastards of incest. It is hardcore. Totally self-serving on Stannis's part because it works to promote only his claim. But still, a hilarious read.
Cat: Why is this shit only coming out now? If Stannis knew about this already then why did my husband have to die CSI'ing this shit?
Stannis: I had already told the last Hand, Jon Arryn, about my knowledge. If I had told Robert myself then he would not have listened. But if he heard it from his trusted friend, Jon... well... that would be different. But then Jon died. By no accident, I'm sure.
Cat: My sister Lysa, Jon's widow, also pointed the finger at the Lannisters for his murder.
Renly: Whatever. Who cares about these dead people and all these bullshit claims over who has the "right" to the throne? The bottom line is who has the bigger army to TAKE the throne? And that person would be me.
Renly then reaches under his cloak, as if to draw out his sword. Stannis immediate reacts by starting to draw his own sword. But then we see that Renly doesn't pull out a sword at all. Instead, he has a peach in his hands.
Renly: So you want a peach, Stannis? Man, I love eating peaches! If you know what I mean! Hahaha, because they look like vulvas and boy do I love eating those.
Cat: Okay, you're trying too hard, Renly. It's just not that effective a lie with those rainbow flags waving in the background.
Stannis: Get that peach out my face, moron. No I don't want that shit.
Renly: A man should never refuse a sweet, fresh peach. Soon we won't have any for quite some time. After all... WINTER IS COMING.
Cat: Stop that! You're not supposed to say that line. That's a Winterfell thing.
Renly: Now you refuse my peach, Stannis? Rude. After you also refused to even come to my wedding with Margaery.
Stannis: Come on, everyone knows that wedding was a farce. Less than a year ago you were plotting to marry that whore to Robert and now you take her yourself?
Renly: Farce? Hahaha, no! A year ago I planned to marry her to Robert because Robert was the king. Well now Robert is dead and I'm the king, so I married her. And Margaery is no whore. In fact, she was a maiden when I first took her to the bed chamber.
Stannis: And she's gonna stay that way if she's married to you.
Melisandre: OOOOH! Burn!
Stannis: Get it? Get it? Because you're a homosexual and you're not even really interested in her.
Cat: Yeah, everyone got it, Stannis. No need to explain the joke.
Renly: Pfft, while we're talking about people who never have sex with women... look at yourself, Stannis. You have ZERO male heirs. Only one girl with a stone face. Me and my queen are going to pop out a TON of boy heirs from all the hot sex I do with her. Which I will, by the way, be totally interested in because I love the peaches. As demonstrated by me eating this one. Obviously. Because I'm straight. Anyway, I get it it Stannis. If I was married to that ugly wife of yours, I'd send my fool in to bed her too.
At that point, Stannis has had enough and pulls out his sword, [fake] Lightbringer. It glows oddly in the wind and everyone looks at it.
Stannis: I would kill you now, Renly, if not for the sake of our dear dead mother and father. So, in deference to them, I will give you until dawn tomorrow to lay down your arms and bend the knee to me. I will forgive your treason and make you my heir until I have you a son and everything. Even put you on my war council. But you must bend the knee. If you have not done so by dawn... it will be WAR!
Renly: HAHAHAHA, OH MAN! Behind me I am supported by the Houses Rowan, Tarly, Caron, Tarth, Penrose, Fossoway, Cuy, Mullendore, Estermont, Selmy, Hightower, Mahoney, Tackleberry, Sweetchuck, McGlunk, Conklin, Jones, Hooks, Callahan, Oakheart, Crane, Caswell, Blackbar, Morrigen, Beesbury, Shermer, Dunn, Footly and Florent. And do you realize how messed up that last House is? Florent? That's the House of your WIFE! Your own wife's House has sided with me. There are only two Houses that have sided with you, Stannis. And those are the Houses of JACK and SHIT.
Stannis: Shut up. A good third of those Houses are just names of Police Academy characters.
Cat: What did I JUST SAY about not explaining the jokes, Stannis?
And with that, Renly turns around and rides off.
Lady Stark, being awful at the "I'm neutral in this" thing, rides off with Renly. How does riding off with one side make you appear to be neutral, exactly? Whatever.
Cat: Renly, I implore you not to go to war. Stannis has the right of it, you know. He is the heir by law if Joffrey is the child of Jaime Lannister.
Renly: Yeah, I guess he's the heir so long as he is alive. Which means that technicality won't be a problem after dawn tomorrow. Because I GONNA KILL HIS AYASS!
Cat sighs and rides back with Renly. These two dickhead brothers just won't get their shit together. Which means that Robb is going to have to fight the Lannisters alone.
When they get back to Renly's main army, his advisors give council.
Lord Rowan: Our castle has great provisions and we could hold in a siege for a long time. I say we stay in the castle and let Stannis attack and exhaust his resources.
Renly: And not face him in a head-to-head battle? Then the people will say I am scared of him. No! We fight on the field... tomorrow at dawn!
Renly then goes naming which Lords will command which parts of their army. The overall leader is, of course, given to the Knight of Flowers.
Renly: *winks*
Loras Tyrell: *winks back*
Cat: Okay, enough of this shit. I'm leaving. I saw a sept back in that village and I need to pray for all of your dumb asses. I think you need to pray too.
Renly: Oh yes, I will pray. But I'll need some help doing so. Loras, come back to my private chambers and help me... uhm... pray. Lady Cat, I will send one of my Rainbow Guard, Ser Robar Royce, to escort you to the village. I want him to bring you back tomorrow so that you can watch me win this awesome battle and report back to Robb how sweet my army is.
Cat rolls her eyes and ventures to the nearby village with Ser Robar escorting her.
Cat: Do I know you? You look sort of familiar.
Robar: Well, my dad is Yohn Royce, bannerman to House Arryn.
Cat: Oh yeah, right. Don't you have a brother or something?
Robar: Yeah, an older brother, Andar. He appeared in the last book at the Hand's Tournament with me but will never be mentioned or seen again. Of course, I also have a younger brother, Waymar. He was sent up to the Wall. But nobody has seen him in a while. My dad keeps asking, "Where is Waymar? What happened to Waymar?"
Cat: Oh right. The prologue guy.
Robar: Huh?
Cat: Never mind.
Wendel Manderly: Lady, there is no reason for us to stay here. Renly and Stannis mean to go to war, and we have no part of that.
Cat: Do you think I WANT to be here? No. My father is dying and I'd much rather be at Riverrun with him than here. But I promised my son that I would come here for the good of the realm. And so here I am.
Cat then does an extended flashback thinking about the history of Storm's End and shit. But you don't need to hear about that.
Stannis and his forces are the next to arrive. Stannis rides up with some lady wearing red beside him. Cat does everything she can to try to not sing "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh to herself as she sees her. But she fails.
Stannis: Oh FUCK. Cat Stark?! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't expect to see your ass. And also, my condolences about your husband dying and everything. Whatever. I didn't even like that a-hole.
Cat: WOW. And you wonder why no Lords actually want to follow you?
Stannis: What did that guy ever do for me?
Cat: Let's see, let's see... so recently he gave his life in order to defend YOUR RIGHT to be King rather than Joffrey. And if we flash back to, let's say, Robert's Rebellion... then you were also being sieged here at Storm's End and about to die. Then my husband rode up to break the siege and saved you.
Stannis: Yeah yeah yeah. So at the cost of his own life he provided the strongest evidence that I am the rightful king by blood to the Iron Throne and he also saved my life as well as the lives of all my men. BIG DEAL. I mean OTHER THAN THAT what has he ever done for me?
Cat: *sigh*
Stannis: I mean, he got to be Hand of the King when I wanted to be but I'm a petty bitch that's jealous because my brother liked him more than he liked me. Whatever. Regardless of how I feel about him, I promise to avenge your husband's murder when I capture King's Landing. And I promise to deliver you your daughters back, dead or alive. Let's be honest here. Probably dead.
Cat: You're such a charmer, Stannis.
Stannis: So you never really answered why the hell you're here. Have you and your shitty kid Robb thrown in and allied with my dickhead brother, Renly? Because you know I'm the RIGHTFUL heir. I have come here to claim Renly's armies. If you aren't with me then you're against me. etc. etc.
Cat: We haven't thrown in with anyone. I'm neutral. We only come to extend a hand in friendship to anyone who will listen and avoid senseless warring against one another.
Stannis: Wait... what was that word you said?
Cat: Which word?
Stannis: You said something in-between "hand" and "anyone who will listen."
Cat: Friendship?
Stannis: Yeah, that's it. What's that?
Cat: I'm confused. You don't know what "friendship" means?
Stannis: No.
Cat: Well, it's the emotions or conduct of friends, or the state of being friends.
Stannis: And what's a "friend?"
Cat: COME ON! You have to know what that means.
Stannis: No. I have no clue what friends are.
Cat: I'm not sure why that surprises me. It really shouldn't since nobody fucking likes you. OH WAIT! That Onion Guy. Whatshisname?
Stannis: Davos Seaworth?
Cat: Yes. Wouldn't you call him a "friend?"
Stannis: No, I'd call him my "subject."
Then Renly and his University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors ride up.
Renly: OH SHIT! Stannis!! You are looking old and rough, my man. And what the fuck is up with those banners that your army is waving? Those aren't the House Baratheon banners.
Melisandre: It is the fiery heart of the Lord of Light!!!
Renly: So I guess that "Stannis has joined a cult" thing is true, huh? Probably one of those crazy sex cults like Allison Mack from Smallville joined. Whatever. I guess it's a good thing you have a different banner. If we both had the same banner, this battle could get really confusing.
Cat: Please my Lords, I beg you not to battle one another. Our true enemy is he Lannisters.
Renly: Yeah, that's cool. I'd prefer not to fight too. And there is an easy way for that to happen. Stannis just needs to get down from his horse, walk over to me, and then bend his fucking knee.
Stannis: HELL NO! I'm the oldest. You will bend the knee to me, usurper!
Cat: Please you two, be reasonable.
Stannis: Reasonable? Speaking of usurpers, Lady Stark, I consider your son Robb to be one as well. I am the ONLY king. Once I'm done with Renly here, your shitty traitor son is next on my list.
Cat: You know, some will call YOU the usurper, given that Robert has two totally legitimate sons that come before you in the line - Joffrey and Tommen.
Everyone just laughs at that, including Cat. It is pretty hilarious.
Renly: Oh Cat, you have GOT to see the letter that Stannis sent to everyone about those kids being bastards of incest. It is hardcore. Totally self-serving on Stannis's part because it works to promote only his claim. But still, a hilarious read.
Cat: Why is this shit only coming out now? If Stannis knew about this already then why did my husband have to die CSI'ing this shit?
Stannis: I had already told the last Hand, Jon Arryn, about my knowledge. If I had told Robert myself then he would not have listened. But if he heard it from his trusted friend, Jon... well... that would be different. But then Jon died. By no accident, I'm sure.
Cat: My sister Lysa, Jon's widow, also pointed the finger at the Lannisters for his murder.
Renly: Whatever. Who cares about these dead people and all these bullshit claims over who has the "right" to the throne? The bottom line is who has the bigger army to TAKE the throne? And that person would be me.
Renly then reaches under his cloak, as if to draw out his sword. Stannis immediate reacts by starting to draw his own sword. But then we see that Renly doesn't pull out a sword at all. Instead, he has a peach in his hands.
Renly: So you want a peach, Stannis? Man, I love eating peaches! If you know what I mean! Hahaha, because they look like vulvas and boy do I love eating those.
Cat: Okay, you're trying too hard, Renly. It's just not that effective a lie with those rainbow flags waving in the background.
Stannis: Get that peach out my face, moron. No I don't want that shit.
Renly: A man should never refuse a sweet, fresh peach. Soon we won't have any for quite some time. After all... WINTER IS COMING.
Cat: Stop that! You're not supposed to say that line. That's a Winterfell thing.
Renly: Now you refuse my peach, Stannis? Rude. After you also refused to even come to my wedding with Margaery.
Stannis: Come on, everyone knows that wedding was a farce. Less than a year ago you were plotting to marry that whore to Robert and now you take her yourself?
Renly: Farce? Hahaha, no! A year ago I planned to marry her to Robert because Robert was the king. Well now Robert is dead and I'm the king, so I married her. And Margaery is no whore. In fact, she was a maiden when I first took her to the bed chamber.
Stannis: And she's gonna stay that way if she's married to you.
Melisandre: OOOOH! Burn!
Stannis: Get it? Get it? Because you're a homosexual and you're not even really interested in her.
Cat: Yeah, everyone got it, Stannis. No need to explain the joke.
Renly: Pfft, while we're talking about people who never have sex with women... look at yourself, Stannis. You have ZERO male heirs. Only one girl with a stone face. Me and my queen are going to pop out a TON of boy heirs from all the hot sex I do with her. Which I will, by the way, be totally interested in because I love the peaches. As demonstrated by me eating this one. Obviously. Because I'm straight. Anyway, I get it it Stannis. If I was married to that ugly wife of yours, I'd send my fool in to bed her too.
At that point, Stannis has had enough and pulls out his sword, [fake] Lightbringer. It glows oddly in the wind and everyone looks at it.
Stannis: I would kill you now, Renly, if not for the sake of our dear dead mother and father. So, in deference to them, I will give you until dawn tomorrow to lay down your arms and bend the knee to me. I will forgive your treason and make you my heir until I have you a son and everything. Even put you on my war council. But you must bend the knee. If you have not done so by dawn... it will be WAR!
Renly: HAHAHAHA, OH MAN! Behind me I am supported by the Houses Rowan, Tarly, Caron, Tarth, Penrose, Fossoway, Cuy, Mullendore, Estermont, Selmy, Hightower, Mahoney, Tackleberry, Sweetchuck, McGlunk, Conklin, Jones, Hooks, Callahan, Oakheart, Crane, Caswell, Blackbar, Morrigen, Beesbury, Shermer, Dunn, Footly and Florent. And do you realize how messed up that last House is? Florent? That's the House of your WIFE! Your own wife's House has sided with me. There are only two Houses that have sided with you, Stannis. And those are the Houses of JACK and SHIT.
Stannis: Shut up. A good third of those Houses are just names of Police Academy characters.
Cat: What did I JUST SAY about not explaining the jokes, Stannis?
And with that, Renly turns around and rides off.
Lady Stark, being awful at the "I'm neutral in this" thing, rides off with Renly. How does riding off with one side make you appear to be neutral, exactly? Whatever.
Cat: Renly, I implore you not to go to war. Stannis has the right of it, you know. He is the heir by law if Joffrey is the child of Jaime Lannister.
Renly: Yeah, I guess he's the heir so long as he is alive. Which means that technicality won't be a problem after dawn tomorrow. Because I GONNA KILL HIS AYASS!
Cat sighs and rides back with Renly. These two dickhead brothers just won't get their shit together. Which means that Robb is going to have to fight the Lannisters alone.
When they get back to Renly's main army, his advisors give council.
Lord Rowan: Our castle has great provisions and we could hold in a siege for a long time. I say we stay in the castle and let Stannis attack and exhaust his resources.
Renly: And not face him in a head-to-head battle? Then the people will say I am scared of him. No! We fight on the field... tomorrow at dawn!
Renly then goes naming which Lords will command which parts of their army. The overall leader is, of course, given to the Knight of Flowers.
Renly: *winks*
Loras Tyrell: *winks back*
Cat: Okay, enough of this shit. I'm leaving. I saw a sept back in that village and I need to pray for all of your dumb asses. I think you need to pray too.
Renly: Oh yes, I will pray. But I'll need some help doing so. Loras, come back to my private chambers and help me... uhm... pray. Lady Cat, I will send one of my Rainbow Guard, Ser Robar Royce, to escort you to the village. I want him to bring you back tomorrow so that you can watch me win this awesome battle and report back to Robb how sweet my army is.
Cat rolls her eyes and ventures to the nearby village with Ser Robar escorting her.
Cat: Do I know you? You look sort of familiar.
Robar: Well, my dad is Yohn Royce, bannerman to House Arryn.
Cat: Oh yeah, right. Don't you have a brother or something?
Robar: Yeah, an older brother, Andar. He appeared in the last book at the Hand's Tournament with me but will never be mentioned or seen again. Of course, I also have a younger brother, Waymar. He was sent up to the Wall. But nobody has seen him in a while. My dad keeps asking, "Where is Waymar? What happened to Waymar?"
Cat: Oh right. The prologue guy.
Robar: Huh?
Cat: Never mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment