Dany and her entourage arrive in Qarth and the whole city seems to be throwing a big party for her arrival.
Dany: Holy crap, look at this place. It’s amazing. It has all these city walls. They’re huge. The first wall is carved with all sorts of animals, like these zorses.
Jorah: What the fuck is a zorse?
Dany: Oh, it’s like a horse but with stripes on it.
Jorah: You mean a zebra?
Dany: Yes.
Jorah: Why don’t we just call them “zebras” then? Why “zorses?”
Dany: I dunno. Anyway, the second wall is of a war scene. But the last city wall is a giant, 50-foot-tall, black marble orgy scene. I’m not kidding. An entire 50-foot wall wrapped around a city is filled with the craziest sex shit you could imagine. Angry Dolphins. Cleveland Steamers. Alabama Hot Pockets. Kennebunkport Surprises. It’s those Pompeii frescos times a million. Imagine if the Great Wall of China was just covered completely in a fuckfest.
All the people of Qarth watch as Dany and her crew pass through. They are especially interested in Dany’s dragons, of course.
Jorah: Oh wow. All he ladies here wear outfits with one breast hanging out. This is incredible! You know what, I think I’m just going to move here. I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be than here. Never mind that lame “going back to Westeros” crap.
XXD then rides up to Dany on a camel. That's right, we're calling him that like he's fucking J-Lo and deserves a nickname.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: HELLO! Welcome to Qarth, Dany. Anything in this city… just ask for it and it is yours!
Dany: What if I ask for your liver? Would you cut out your liver and give it to me if I wanted it?
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: What!? No. I mean it was mainly a metaphor. You can’t have ANYTHING in this city. But, you know, there are a lot of things you can have.
Dany: Like what? Be specific.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Hrm, maybe I can start making a list of--
Pyat Pree: --Do not listen to this fool. You have no use for the baubles and trinkets that XXD offers you. For he promises to give you things in the city. Yet I, Pyat Pree, offer you THE CITY ITSELF!
Dany: Again, that seems vague and metaphoric, as opposed to an actual offer. Also, how is that any different than what XXD just offered? He offered me anything in the city, which could also be interpreted as everything in the city. If he offered me EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE CITY, then that’s the same as offering me the CITY ITSELF, which is exactly what you just offered.
Pyat Pree: Well, uh, I mean, I… uhh… I mean you should come visit my House of the Undying and drink my Wisdom of Truth and… errmm…
Dany: --Gross. That sounds like the worst pickup line of all time. Look, all I really want from you people is swords and boats and stuff. So I can go to Kings Landing and take my throne.
Jorah: WHAT?! Kings Landing? No way! This is titty city, Dany! I wanna stay.
Pyat Pree: It will be as you command, Dany. You shall have those things.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don’t trust him, Dany! He’s a Warlock. You know you can’t trust Warlocks. A Warlock is just a male Witch. And do you not remember that you JUST GOT TRICKED by a Witch… like… what?... four of your POV chapters ago?
Jorah: Ha! The crow calls the raven black!
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: DUDE, THAT’S RACIST!
Jorah: Huh?
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: On Game of Thones I’m played by Nonso Anozie, an English actor of Nigerian descent. So that whole “black” thing…
Jorah: Oh no. Sorry. I wasn’t referring to that. It’s just I mean YOU’RE calling Pyat Pree untrustworthy when you are clearly untrustworthy yourself. It’s just an expression. It's the Westeros version of "the pot calling the kettle black." There was no racial undertone to it.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Really? You want me to believe there was NO racial undertone to that statement at all? By you? You the guy who USED TO SELL SLAVES?
Jorah: I mean the books never specify the race of the people I was selling into slavery. Just that they were poachers and that I did it in the Seven Kingdoms, where it was illegal. Pretty much everyone in the Seven Kingdoms is white. So, I'm pretty sure I was enslaving white people.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Uh huh. Suuuuuure.
Dany: Hrm. I wonder who I should trust. I mean XXD just let me stay in his palace and it’s HUGE. And Pyat Pree just offered me swords and ships to go back to Westeros.
Quaithe: IT IS I! Quaithe the Shadowbinder! I hide my face behind this hockey mask! These people are only interested in your dragons! TRUST NO ONE!
Dany: I’m confused, does that statement include you too?
But before Quaithe the Shadowbinder can answer, she throws a smoke bomb and vanishes.
Dany: Creepy.
Jorah: I don’t trust any of the three. She is right though. Everybody just wants that D.
Dany: Huh?
Jorah: D for dragons.
Dany: Ah. I see. Well, we need to make sure to protect them.
Aggo: It shall be done, Khaleesi. There shall be a guard on them all night and day.
Rakharo: Yes, and Rakharo shall explore the city and scout it out. These three have shown you parts of the city they want you to see, but Rakharo will explore the seedy underbelly of what they DON’T want you to see!
Dany: Wait… so that giant sex wall wasn’t the seedy underbelly?
Jorah: And I will go to the docks to see if any ships bring news from the Seven Kingdoms!
Dany: Suuuure. Surrrre. “Going to the docks.” We all know what you really mean. Docks = sailors. Sailors = lots of brothels. Lots of brothers = you’re going to ask for a blonde, teenage spinner that looks like me.
Jorah: No comment.
Jhogo: And I, Jhogo, will guard you, Khaleesi, while the others are out doing all those other things.
And so the others depart to perform their various tasks and GRRM has YET ANOTHER scene where Dany’s handmaidens strip her down and bathe her. This is probably the 14th time now in the books that this underage girl is having an explicit, sensual bathing scene. It’s pretty gross.
As she gets the wash down, Dany thinks about the Seven Kingdoms. Viserys said it was the most beautiful place on earth. But here in Quarth it is pretty beautiful. Could the Red Keep of Kings Landing possibly be EVEN MORE beautiful than this?
No, is the answer.
Dany: How will I defeat that usurper, King Robert? Will the realm really rise for me as their rightful ruler? Oh well. I guess these are all questions to be answered soon. After all, the red comet led me here for a reason.
Irri: [comet jokes]
Jhiqui: [comet jokes]
Doreah: *still dead*
Dany: [Expresses anger that these red comet jokes are still happening].
Later that night, Jorah returns with a new friend.
Dany: So is your new friend some hooker that looks like me?
Jorah: No, this is Quhuru Mo, of the Cinnamon Wind.
Dany: So I assume “Cinnamon Wind” is the name of the brothel you were in?
Jorah: No, it’s a ship. And he’s the Captain of it. He sails all around the world, including to the Seven Kingdoms. Go on, Quhuru. Tell her what you told me!
Quhuru Mo: Yes, my ship pulled into Oldtown, Dorne and Lys. Everywhere it was the same story. King Robert Baratheon is dead. Some say he was betrayed and killed by his Queen, others say by Eddard Stark, and others still say that it was one of his brothers. The boy king, Joffrey, now sits on the throne.
Dany: HOLY CRAP! This is awesome. DING DONG, THE USURPER IS DEAD! AM I RIGHT? I wonder which of the stories is true.
Jorah: Well, definitely not the one about Stark. Stark would never betray anyone, that sanctimonious douche.
Dany: Yes, yes, Jorah. We all know you carry a grudge against Eddard Stark because you feel he unfairly TRIED TO ARREST YOU FOR SLAVERY.
Jorah: *sigh* Why does everyone ALWAYS have to bring that up?
Dany: I thank you for this excellent gift, Quhuru Mo. The gift of KNOWLEDGE! I wish I could repay you for it.
Quhuru Mo: How about a blowjob?
Dany: WHAT?!
Quhuru Mo: NOTHING. I said… uhhh… just being able to see your dragons is gift enough for me!
Dany: Well, one day when I’m ruling Kings Landing, please feel free to drop in and say hi.
Quhuru Mo: Oh, is that how you’re politely dismissing me from the scene and hinting that I should leave? Fair enough.
He leaves.
Jorah: Why do you speak so freely in front of that sailor, Khaleesi? He could spread anything you say to other ports. You know how these sailors are.
Dany: First off... you brought him here. Second, who cares? The Seven Kingdoms are falling apart! They have a dumb boy on the throne, and now I have access to ships and weapons that I can use to sail there! Why, I bet as soon as next chapter I’ll be sailing off to the Seven Kingdoms! I mean… just look at the situation. In no way will we be an entire FIVE books into this series and I still haven’t left Essos yet.
Jorah: You’d be surprised. Anyway, you’re assuming you already have the gold, armies, and ships that these Qarthi have promised you. But you don’t have them yet. As previously discussed, I do not trust these people. And even if they do give you all that and you set sail… remember you still have to fight over in Westeros and WIN.
Dany: Stop being a buzzkill, Jorah.
Dany: Holy crap, look at this place. It’s amazing. It has all these city walls. They’re huge. The first wall is carved with all sorts of animals, like these zorses.
Jorah: What the fuck is a zorse?
Dany: Oh, it’s like a horse but with stripes on it.
Jorah: You mean a zebra?
Dany: Yes.
Jorah: Why don’t we just call them “zebras” then? Why “zorses?”
Dany: I dunno. Anyway, the second wall is of a war scene. But the last city wall is a giant, 50-foot-tall, black marble orgy scene. I’m not kidding. An entire 50-foot wall wrapped around a city is filled with the craziest sex shit you could imagine. Angry Dolphins. Cleveland Steamers. Alabama Hot Pockets. Kennebunkport Surprises. It’s those Pompeii frescos times a million. Imagine if the Great Wall of China was just covered completely in a fuckfest.
All the people of Qarth watch as Dany and her crew pass through. They are especially interested in Dany’s dragons, of course.
Jorah: Oh wow. All he ladies here wear outfits with one breast hanging out. This is incredible! You know what, I think I’m just going to move here. I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be than here. Never mind that lame “going back to Westeros” crap.
XXD then rides up to Dany on a camel. That's right, we're calling him that like he's fucking J-Lo and deserves a nickname.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: HELLO! Welcome to Qarth, Dany. Anything in this city… just ask for it and it is yours!
Dany: What if I ask for your liver? Would you cut out your liver and give it to me if I wanted it?
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: What!? No. I mean it was mainly a metaphor. You can’t have ANYTHING in this city. But, you know, there are a lot of things you can have.
Dany: Like what? Be specific.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Hrm, maybe I can start making a list of--
Pyat Pree: --Do not listen to this fool. You have no use for the baubles and trinkets that XXD offers you. For he promises to give you things in the city. Yet I, Pyat Pree, offer you THE CITY ITSELF!
Dany: Again, that seems vague and metaphoric, as opposed to an actual offer. Also, how is that any different than what XXD just offered? He offered me anything in the city, which could also be interpreted as everything in the city. If he offered me EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE CITY, then that’s the same as offering me the CITY ITSELF, which is exactly what you just offered.
Pyat Pree: Well, uh, I mean, I… uhh… I mean you should come visit my House of the Undying and drink my Wisdom of Truth and… errmm…
Dany: --Gross. That sounds like the worst pickup line of all time. Look, all I really want from you people is swords and boats and stuff. So I can go to Kings Landing and take my throne.
Jorah: WHAT?! Kings Landing? No way! This is titty city, Dany! I wanna stay.
Pyat Pree: It will be as you command, Dany. You shall have those things.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don’t trust him, Dany! He’s a Warlock. You know you can’t trust Warlocks. A Warlock is just a male Witch. And do you not remember that you JUST GOT TRICKED by a Witch… like… what?... four of your POV chapters ago?
Jorah: Ha! The crow calls the raven black!
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: DUDE, THAT’S RACIST!
Jorah: Huh?
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: On Game of Thones I’m played by Nonso Anozie, an English actor of Nigerian descent. So that whole “black” thing…
Jorah: Oh no. Sorry. I wasn’t referring to that. It’s just I mean YOU’RE calling Pyat Pree untrustworthy when you are clearly untrustworthy yourself. It’s just an expression. It's the Westeros version of "the pot calling the kettle black." There was no racial undertone to it.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Really? You want me to believe there was NO racial undertone to that statement at all? By you? You the guy who USED TO SELL SLAVES?
Jorah: I mean the books never specify the race of the people I was selling into slavery. Just that they were poachers and that I did it in the Seven Kingdoms, where it was illegal. Pretty much everyone in the Seven Kingdoms is white. So, I'm pretty sure I was enslaving white people.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Uh huh. Suuuuuure.
Dany: Hrm. I wonder who I should trust. I mean XXD just let me stay in his palace and it’s HUGE. And Pyat Pree just offered me swords and ships to go back to Westeros.
Quaithe: IT IS I! Quaithe the Shadowbinder! I hide my face behind this hockey mask! These people are only interested in your dragons! TRUST NO ONE!
Dany: I’m confused, does that statement include you too?
But before Quaithe the Shadowbinder can answer, she throws a smoke bomb and vanishes.
Dany: Creepy.
Jorah: I don’t trust any of the three. She is right though. Everybody just wants that D.
Dany: Huh?
Jorah: D for dragons.
Dany: Ah. I see. Well, we need to make sure to protect them.
Aggo: It shall be done, Khaleesi. There shall be a guard on them all night and day.
Rakharo: Yes, and Rakharo shall explore the city and scout it out. These three have shown you parts of the city they want you to see, but Rakharo will explore the seedy underbelly of what they DON’T want you to see!
Dany: Wait… so that giant sex wall wasn’t the seedy underbelly?
Jorah: And I will go to the docks to see if any ships bring news from the Seven Kingdoms!
Dany: Suuuure. Surrrre. “Going to the docks.” We all know what you really mean. Docks = sailors. Sailors = lots of brothels. Lots of brothers = you’re going to ask for a blonde, teenage spinner that looks like me.
Jorah: No comment.
Jhogo: And I, Jhogo, will guard you, Khaleesi, while the others are out doing all those other things.
And so the others depart to perform their various tasks and GRRM has YET ANOTHER scene where Dany’s handmaidens strip her down and bathe her. This is probably the 14th time now in the books that this underage girl is having an explicit, sensual bathing scene. It’s pretty gross.
As she gets the wash down, Dany thinks about the Seven Kingdoms. Viserys said it was the most beautiful place on earth. But here in Quarth it is pretty beautiful. Could the Red Keep of Kings Landing possibly be EVEN MORE beautiful than this?
No, is the answer.
Dany: How will I defeat that usurper, King Robert? Will the realm really rise for me as their rightful ruler? Oh well. I guess these are all questions to be answered soon. After all, the red comet led me here for a reason.
Irri: [comet jokes]
Jhiqui: [comet jokes]
Doreah: *still dead*
Dany: [Expresses anger that these red comet jokes are still happening].
Later that night, Jorah returns with a new friend.
Dany: So is your new friend some hooker that looks like me?
Jorah: No, this is Quhuru Mo, of the Cinnamon Wind.
Dany: So I assume “Cinnamon Wind” is the name of the brothel you were in?
Jorah: No, it’s a ship. And he’s the Captain of it. He sails all around the world, including to the Seven Kingdoms. Go on, Quhuru. Tell her what you told me!
Quhuru Mo: Yes, my ship pulled into Oldtown, Dorne and Lys. Everywhere it was the same story. King Robert Baratheon is dead. Some say he was betrayed and killed by his Queen, others say by Eddard Stark, and others still say that it was one of his brothers. The boy king, Joffrey, now sits on the throne.
Dany: HOLY CRAP! This is awesome. DING DONG, THE USURPER IS DEAD! AM I RIGHT? I wonder which of the stories is true.
Jorah: Well, definitely not the one about Stark. Stark would never betray anyone, that sanctimonious douche.
Dany: Yes, yes, Jorah. We all know you carry a grudge against Eddard Stark because you feel he unfairly TRIED TO ARREST YOU FOR SLAVERY.
Jorah: *sigh* Why does everyone ALWAYS have to bring that up?
Dany: I thank you for this excellent gift, Quhuru Mo. The gift of KNOWLEDGE! I wish I could repay you for it.
Quhuru Mo: How about a blowjob?
Dany: WHAT?!
Quhuru Mo: NOTHING. I said… uhhh… just being able to see your dragons is gift enough for me!
Dany: Well, one day when I’m ruling Kings Landing, please feel free to drop in and say hi.
Quhuru Mo: Oh, is that how you’re politely dismissing me from the scene and hinting that I should leave? Fair enough.
He leaves.
Jorah: Why do you speak so freely in front of that sailor, Khaleesi? He could spread anything you say to other ports. You know how these sailors are.
Dany: First off... you brought him here. Second, who cares? The Seven Kingdoms are falling apart! They have a dumb boy on the throne, and now I have access to ships and weapons that I can use to sail there! Why, I bet as soon as next chapter I’ll be sailing off to the Seven Kingdoms! I mean… just look at the situation. In no way will we be an entire FIVE books into this series and I still haven’t left Essos yet.
Jorah: You’d be surprised. Anyway, you’re assuming you already have the gold, armies, and ships that these Qarthi have promised you. But you don’t have them yet. As previously discussed, I do not trust these people. And even if they do give you all that and you set sail… remember you still have to fight over in Westeros and WIN.
Dany: Stop being a buzzkill, Jorah.
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