Cat is in the sept in the village, just as implied in her very recent previous chapter. Here we go into some background about the seven gods and the religion of the Faith of the Seven. Whatever. Cat imagines the faces of people she knows in the chalk faces of the gods in the sept.
She thinks and thinks. This news about Joffrey being an incest bastard is what got her husband and Jon Arryn killed. By the Lannisters! And she now realizes this must be why the Lannisters wanted Bran dead too. He must have found out!
She prays and thinks for so long that Ser Robar Royce has to come in and interrupt her.
Robar: Uh, Lady Stark. It's almost dawn. I need to get you back to watch the battle, like King Renly commanded.
And so they head back, with a sleepless night. As they ride through, they travel right in the middle of Renly's army. They get to the King's pavilion where all sorts of leaders are discussing strategy for the battle. Brienne is getting the king suited up in his armor.
Cat: I would like to speak to Renly one last time.
Mathis Rowan: No. He's busy. We're busy talking war stuff. Fuck off.
Randyll Tarly: So, like I was saying... we need to ride out now. Our men are in position. If we ride out at dawn, as Stannis stated, then the sun will be rising into our eyes and blinding us. It was part of Stannis's trick to get an advantage.
Mathis: I agree, my King.
Renly: Nah, we ride at dawn like we agreed. Who cares about the sun in our eyes? We should just wear those flip-down shades like outfielders do at 7PM baseball games to catch fly balls. Our army will win no matter what. Ser Loras always comes through. If you know what I mean.
Tarly: Gross.
Renly: All that I ask is, after we win, that my brother's body be treated with respect. None of that shit like with Mussolini, okay? You know. No need to throw his corpse in a truck and then hang it upside-down in Piazzale Loreto, pelt it with vegetables, spit on it, urinate on it, shoot bullets into it, and kick and beat the face until it's unrecognizable. Then after that, move the body and prop it up on the metal girder of a half-built Standard Oil service station and hang it from a meat hook.
Mathis: Holy shit, is that really what happened to Mussolini?
Renly: Yep.
Tarly: That sounds SO AWESOME.
Renly: Ugh. You're really creepy, Randyll Tarly. You know that, right?
Tarly: Whatever. So what do we do if Stannis yields?
Renly: Stannis? YIELD? That will never happen. When he was sieged at Storm's end he promised to catapult out anyone who yielded. The only reason he didn't is that they were running out of food and he thought they might need to keep bodies around to eat. Although there is still the matter of Ser Barristan Selmy. If he is not with Robb Stark and not with me... then he MUST be with Stannis! That man needs a king to obey. It's in his nature. If we find Selmy with Stannis's forces... he must not be harmed.
Cat: Wow, you really, really, REALLY like emphasizing this "where is Selmy?" thing along with the "Which side is he going to show up on?" thing. You're hammering us with foreshadowing, man.
Renly: Ah, Cat! I see you are here then, huh? Well, let's have that little conversation you asked for. Please, everyone else leave. I'd just like for it to be myself, Cat and Brienne in this next scene.
This is a super weird request that will leave no witnesses to whatever happens next. But everyone obeys the king and leaves.
Cat: Renly! I just figured it all out when I was praying. My son, Bran. The Lannisters must have tried to kill him too. It all makes sense now. Cersei and Jaime stayed back at Winterfell when everyone else went hunting. Bran must have caught them doing the horizontal nasty and they pushed him out of the window. We should conceive a great council meeting! We will have Bran testify and tell everyone what he saw. That will prove that Joffrey is not the legitimate heir. Then the Council can pick the new king. We can do this all without resorting to violence and killing.
Renly: The time for talk is over, Cat. The time for war is now! We must... must... hrm... did it just get really cold in here or am I crazy?
Cat: No. I feel it too. A sudden breeze of cool wind.
Cat looks at Renly's shadow. It starts moving. All on its own. The shadow lifts a sword up. But Renly isn't lifting a sword.
Cat: DAFUQ?
The sword plunges into Renly's neck and he starts bleeding out.
Brienne screams. Blood is pouring everywhere.
Cat: OH SHIT! That is HORRIBLE! I can't imagine dying like that. You know, having my neck slashed open and the blood just pouring out like that. BRUTAL! What a horrible way to go!
Hearing all the screaming, Rainbow Warriors Ser Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy run back into the tent. They see Brienne there, holding Renly and Renly bleeding to death.
Emmon: MURDER! MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!
Emmon goes in to kill Brienne.
Cat: NO! Wait! I saw everything. Brienne didn't do it. It was some sort of evil magic sorcery bullshit. The room got cold and there was this, like, shadow. And do you know what I felt? Stannis. I can't really explain it. But I felt Stannis's presence. He did it, somehow.
Robar: Uhm... I am really confused. Should I believe this bullshit?
Emmon: No!
Cat: Please Robar! That's the truth. Now you've got to let us go. Nobody will believe us. They'll kill us.
Robar: Uhh... sure?
Emmon: NO! That's bullshit, man! Are you crazy?
But Cat donks Emmon on the side of the head and knocks him out. She then cuts a hole in the side of the tent. She and Brienne sneak out. They head back to their camp.
Cat: Hey bitches, we need to get out of here ASAP.
Wendel Manderly: Why? I haven't had my sixth breakfast yet! And I want to watch the battle.
Cat: Oh, there ain't going to be no battle this morning. Renly is FUCKING DEAD.
Shadd: WHAT?
Perwyn Frey: And why the fuck is this ugly Brienne woman with you?
Cat: Too long to explain. Every minute we waste with plot exposition is a moment closer to us all being viciously murdered by angry Renly-loyalists. Long story short - Renly is dead, we didn't do it, but we will be blamed.
Lucas Blackwood: Okay, let's get the hell out of dodge then.
Robin Flint: Yep. I just also wanted to talk too, to remind everyone that I am also a character that travels with Cat.
Cat: Brienne, we have extra horses. Ride with us!
And so they saddle up and run the fuck out of there. Cat knows that in on fell swoop of black magic, Stannis has killed Renly and soon Renly's army will defect to Stannis's side. And Stannis has already declared her son Robb as a traitor and an enemy.
Cat: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
She thinks and thinks. This news about Joffrey being an incest bastard is what got her husband and Jon Arryn killed. By the Lannisters! And she now realizes this must be why the Lannisters wanted Bran dead too. He must have found out!
She prays and thinks for so long that Ser Robar Royce has to come in and interrupt her.
Robar: Uh, Lady Stark. It's almost dawn. I need to get you back to watch the battle, like King Renly commanded.
And so they head back, with a sleepless night. As they ride through, they travel right in the middle of Renly's army. They get to the King's pavilion where all sorts of leaders are discussing strategy for the battle. Brienne is getting the king suited up in his armor.
Cat: I would like to speak to Renly one last time.
Mathis Rowan: No. He's busy. We're busy talking war stuff. Fuck off.
Randyll Tarly: So, like I was saying... we need to ride out now. Our men are in position. If we ride out at dawn, as Stannis stated, then the sun will be rising into our eyes and blinding us. It was part of Stannis's trick to get an advantage.
Mathis: I agree, my King.
Renly: Nah, we ride at dawn like we agreed. Who cares about the sun in our eyes? We should just wear those flip-down shades like outfielders do at 7PM baseball games to catch fly balls. Our army will win no matter what. Ser Loras always comes through. If you know what I mean.
Tarly: Gross.
Renly: All that I ask is, after we win, that my brother's body be treated with respect. None of that shit like with Mussolini, okay? You know. No need to throw his corpse in a truck and then hang it upside-down in Piazzale Loreto, pelt it with vegetables, spit on it, urinate on it, shoot bullets into it, and kick and beat the face until it's unrecognizable. Then after that, move the body and prop it up on the metal girder of a half-built Standard Oil service station and hang it from a meat hook.
Mathis: Holy shit, is that really what happened to Mussolini?
Renly: Yep.
Tarly: That sounds SO AWESOME.
Renly: Ugh. You're really creepy, Randyll Tarly. You know that, right?
Tarly: Whatever. So what do we do if Stannis yields?
Renly: Stannis? YIELD? That will never happen. When he was sieged at Storm's end he promised to catapult out anyone who yielded. The only reason he didn't is that they were running out of food and he thought they might need to keep bodies around to eat. Although there is still the matter of Ser Barristan Selmy. If he is not with Robb Stark and not with me... then he MUST be with Stannis! That man needs a king to obey. It's in his nature. If we find Selmy with Stannis's forces... he must not be harmed.
Cat: Wow, you really, really, REALLY like emphasizing this "where is Selmy?" thing along with the "Which side is he going to show up on?" thing. You're hammering us with foreshadowing, man.
Renly: Ah, Cat! I see you are here then, huh? Well, let's have that little conversation you asked for. Please, everyone else leave. I'd just like for it to be myself, Cat and Brienne in this next scene.
This is a super weird request that will leave no witnesses to whatever happens next. But everyone obeys the king and leaves.
Cat: Renly! I just figured it all out when I was praying. My son, Bran. The Lannisters must have tried to kill him too. It all makes sense now. Cersei and Jaime stayed back at Winterfell when everyone else went hunting. Bran must have caught them doing the horizontal nasty and they pushed him out of the window. We should conceive a great council meeting! We will have Bran testify and tell everyone what he saw. That will prove that Joffrey is not the legitimate heir. Then the Council can pick the new king. We can do this all without resorting to violence and killing.
Renly: The time for talk is over, Cat. The time for war is now! We must... must... hrm... did it just get really cold in here or am I crazy?
Cat: No. I feel it too. A sudden breeze of cool wind.
Cat looks at Renly's shadow. It starts moving. All on its own. The shadow lifts a sword up. But Renly isn't lifting a sword.
Cat: DAFUQ?
The sword plunges into Renly's neck and he starts bleeding out.
Brienne screams. Blood is pouring everywhere.
Cat: OH SHIT! That is HORRIBLE! I can't imagine dying like that. You know, having my neck slashed open and the blood just pouring out like that. BRUTAL! What a horrible way to go!
Hearing all the screaming, Rainbow Warriors Ser Robar Royce and Emmon Cuy run back into the tent. They see Brienne there, holding Renly and Renly bleeding to death.
Emmon: MURDER! MURDER! BLOODY MURDER!
Emmon goes in to kill Brienne.
Cat: NO! Wait! I saw everything. Brienne didn't do it. It was some sort of evil magic sorcery bullshit. The room got cold and there was this, like, shadow. And do you know what I felt? Stannis. I can't really explain it. But I felt Stannis's presence. He did it, somehow.
Robar: Uhm... I am really confused. Should I believe this bullshit?
Emmon: No!
Cat: Please Robar! That's the truth. Now you've got to let us go. Nobody will believe us. They'll kill us.
Robar: Uhh... sure?
Emmon: NO! That's bullshit, man! Are you crazy?
But Cat donks Emmon on the side of the head and knocks him out. She then cuts a hole in the side of the tent. She and Brienne sneak out. They head back to their camp.
Cat: Hey bitches, we need to get out of here ASAP.
Wendel Manderly: Why? I haven't had my sixth breakfast yet! And I want to watch the battle.
Cat: Oh, there ain't going to be no battle this morning. Renly is FUCKING DEAD.
Shadd: WHAT?
Perwyn Frey: And why the fuck is this ugly Brienne woman with you?
Cat: Too long to explain. Every minute we waste with plot exposition is a moment closer to us all being viciously murdered by angry Renly-loyalists. Long story short - Renly is dead, we didn't do it, but we will be blamed.
Lucas Blackwood: Okay, let's get the hell out of dodge then.
Robin Flint: Yep. I just also wanted to talk too, to remind everyone that I am also a character that travels with Cat.
Cat: Brienne, we have extra horses. Ride with us!
And so they saddle up and run the fuck out of there. Cat knows that in on fell swoop of black magic, Stannis has killed Renly and soon Renly's army will defect to Stannis's side. And Stannis has already declared her son Robb as a traitor and an enemy.
Cat: Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
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