It's, like, the middle of the damn night and there is a knock on Tyrion's door.
Tyrion: What the hell? I was watching Red Shoe Diaries!
Podrick Payne: What? Really? That still comes on?
Tyrion: Nah man, I have the VHS cassette tapes. I just can't get enough of David Duchovny walking in slow motion on train tracks with his dog.
Pod: Okay, now you're just fucking with me. Lancel Lannister is here to see you.
Tyrion: Hahaha! Probably sent by Cersei. Like fucking LANCEL could intimidate me. I bet she thinks that him coming in the middle of the night will catch me off guard. But it won't since I'm usually up at this time anyway doing work because I'm a boss Hand of the King like that. Anyway, I'll mess up my hair to make it look like I just woke up anyway. Play along with her little ruse.
Pod: Whatever.
Pod lets Lancel in and excuses himself.
Lancel: The Queen DEMANDS that you release Pycelle from the dungeons!
Tyrion: Oh, is she feeling better? Glad to hear that happened before the plumbing of the Red Keep burst and flooded the dungeons. If Pycelle had died down there, it would have been from Cersei's own feces mudslide.
Lancel: Gross.
Tyrion: Here, have some mulled wine. It will help you sleep, since you're up at this late hour.
Lancel: NO! I came here to intimidate you like the big, strong boy I am! Not to drink with you!
Tyrion starts laughing at how pathetic Lancel is at being tough.
Lancel: And the queen also demands that Jacelyn Bywater be fired for defying one of her orders!
Tyrion: Oh, so I guess that means she ordered HIM to release Pycelle first and he said no? So only now she's bold enough to come after me? This is such weak sauce. You two are such punk-ass bamas.
Lancel: What? Bama?
Tyrion: Don't worry about it. Go to Urban Dictionary if it concerns you that much.
Lancel starts to reach for his sword.
Tyrion: If you so much as touch that fucking play sword you have there, I will have Macho Man Randy Savage come in here and give you a gutwrench suplex right out of the window. It will be just like what King Longshanks did to his son's lover, Philip, in Braveheart.
Lancel: That film is not historically accurate. The character of Philip is most likely based on Sir Phillip de Mowbray, who was killed in a battle in 1318 -- well after the death of Longshanks himself. And there is zero evidence that he had any sort of sexual relationship with Edward II. Although whether or not Edward II was bisexual is certainly still up for historic debate. And that's just the beginning of the historical inaccuracies. Take the Battle of Stirling Bridge, for instance. There wasn't even a bridge in the film. And William Wallace sleeping with Edward II's wife, Princess Isabella of France? First of all, she wasn't even married to Edward II until after Wallace's death. And even if you ignored that, she was born in 1295. The scene where she has sex with Wallace in the movie isn't given a particular date, but it obviously occurs sometime between the Battle of Falkirk (1298) and his capture and execution in 1305. That means Wallace would be having sex with, at max, a nine year old. And Isabella and her maids speaking in French to each other to be secretive and hide their plots from the English? That wouldn't have worked at all. King Edward was a Plantagenet, meaning he came from the royal house which originated from the lands of Anjou, France. Pretty much all English nobility spoke French. Not as a second language - but as their FIRST language. Common use of English by nobility and the ruling government didn't really occur until August 1417 when Henry V issued an edict promoting the English language. That was in the middle of the Hundred Years War of England against France too, so it probably only occurred as a bit of an anti-Franco sentiment. Like how after France didn't support the US Invasion of Iraq in 2003, some morons started calling french fries "Freedom Fries."
Tyrion: Cool, cool. So when you fuck Cersei... does she let you do a cream pie or do you just pop your load on her stomach?
Lancel turns red and says nothing.
Tyrion: I wonder what KING Joffrey will say if I tell him that you're banging out his mom.
Lancel: I... I... I only did as I was ordered! Lord Tywin commanded be to obey all of Cersei's commands when I became King Robert's squire!
Tyrion: What? Did my father order you to fuck my sister? Your own cousin?
Lancel: No! I mean... not directly... but... PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T TELL JOFFREY! THAT DUDE IS A SICK FUCK! HE WILL MURDER ME!
Tyrion: But I am duty bound, by my honor, to inform the King of this. You know, unless we can make some sort of deal. Like you becoming my spy and telling me what Cersei is up to.
Lancel: ANYTHING! ANYTHING!
Tyrion: Oh man, this was almost too easy. So here is what I will do. I will release Pycelle to the Queen's custody. That way Cersei can THINK you came in here and intimidated me. That dumb bitch won't suspect a thing. But we'll know the truth. And you'll tell me all the shit she tells you. If not... well... the Joffrey thing.
Lancel: Of course! So sorry! So sorry! Also, to answer your earlier question... I pop my load on her stomach.
And then Lancel runs away.
Tyrion: Jesus, it's a good thing that my uncle Kevan Lannister has other sons because Cersei is going to kill that moron as soon as she figures out that he's become my spy. And even if Cersei doesn't kill him... what happens when Jaime comes back? If Jamie finds out that Lancel has been doing Cersei... then HE'D kill him. Needless to say, this dumbass is doomed.
And with that done, it's now the middle of the night but Tyrion is restless.
Tyrion: PODRICK! Get your ass back in here!
Pod: Yes, m'lord.
Tyrion: Summon Bronn and get my horses ready. It's time for a late night booty call to Chataya's brothel.
And so the same-ol, same-ol happens. Just like last time; you get the drill. They head out to Chataya's brothel and Tyrion pretends that he's going to see Chataya's daughter, Alayaya. But really he exits through a secret passage and goes to a DIFFERENT brothel to see Shae.
Tyrion: What the hell? I was watching Red Shoe Diaries!
Podrick Payne: What? Really? That still comes on?
Tyrion: Nah man, I have the VHS cassette tapes. I just can't get enough of David Duchovny walking in slow motion on train tracks with his dog.
Pod: Okay, now you're just fucking with me. Lancel Lannister is here to see you.
Tyrion: Hahaha! Probably sent by Cersei. Like fucking LANCEL could intimidate me. I bet she thinks that him coming in the middle of the night will catch me off guard. But it won't since I'm usually up at this time anyway doing work because I'm a boss Hand of the King like that. Anyway, I'll mess up my hair to make it look like I just woke up anyway. Play along with her little ruse.
Pod: Whatever.
Pod lets Lancel in and excuses himself.
Lancel: The Queen DEMANDS that you release Pycelle from the dungeons!
Tyrion: Oh, is she feeling better? Glad to hear that happened before the plumbing of the Red Keep burst and flooded the dungeons. If Pycelle had died down there, it would have been from Cersei's own feces mudslide.
Lancel: Gross.
Tyrion: Here, have some mulled wine. It will help you sleep, since you're up at this late hour.
Lancel: NO! I came here to intimidate you like the big, strong boy I am! Not to drink with you!
Tyrion starts laughing at how pathetic Lancel is at being tough.
Lancel: And the queen also demands that Jacelyn Bywater be fired for defying one of her orders!
Tyrion: Oh, so I guess that means she ordered HIM to release Pycelle first and he said no? So only now she's bold enough to come after me? This is such weak sauce. You two are such punk-ass bamas.
Lancel: What? Bama?
Tyrion: Don't worry about it. Go to Urban Dictionary if it concerns you that much.
Lancel starts to reach for his sword.
Tyrion: If you so much as touch that fucking play sword you have there, I will have Macho Man Randy Savage come in here and give you a gutwrench suplex right out of the window. It will be just like what King Longshanks did to his son's lover, Philip, in Braveheart.
Lancel: That film is not historically accurate. The character of Philip is most likely based on Sir Phillip de Mowbray, who was killed in a battle in 1318 -- well after the death of Longshanks himself. And there is zero evidence that he had any sort of sexual relationship with Edward II. Although whether or not Edward II was bisexual is certainly still up for historic debate. And that's just the beginning of the historical inaccuracies. Take the Battle of Stirling Bridge, for instance. There wasn't even a bridge in the film. And William Wallace sleeping with Edward II's wife, Princess Isabella of France? First of all, she wasn't even married to Edward II until after Wallace's death. And even if you ignored that, she was born in 1295. The scene where she has sex with Wallace in the movie isn't given a particular date, but it obviously occurs sometime between the Battle of Falkirk (1298) and his capture and execution in 1305. That means Wallace would be having sex with, at max, a nine year old. And Isabella and her maids speaking in French to each other to be secretive and hide their plots from the English? That wouldn't have worked at all. King Edward was a Plantagenet, meaning he came from the royal house which originated from the lands of Anjou, France. Pretty much all English nobility spoke French. Not as a second language - but as their FIRST language. Common use of English by nobility and the ruling government didn't really occur until August 1417 when Henry V issued an edict promoting the English language. That was in the middle of the Hundred Years War of England against France too, so it probably only occurred as a bit of an anti-Franco sentiment. Like how after France didn't support the US Invasion of Iraq in 2003, some morons started calling french fries "Freedom Fries."
Tyrion: Cool, cool. So when you fuck Cersei... does she let you do a cream pie or do you just pop your load on her stomach?
Lancel turns red and says nothing.
Tyrion: I wonder what KING Joffrey will say if I tell him that you're banging out his mom.
Lancel: I... I... I only did as I was ordered! Lord Tywin commanded be to obey all of Cersei's commands when I became King Robert's squire!
Tyrion: What? Did my father order you to fuck my sister? Your own cousin?
Lancel: No! I mean... not directly... but... PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T TELL JOFFREY! THAT DUDE IS A SICK FUCK! HE WILL MURDER ME!
Tyrion: But I am duty bound, by my honor, to inform the King of this. You know, unless we can make some sort of deal. Like you becoming my spy and telling me what Cersei is up to.
Lancel: ANYTHING! ANYTHING!
Tyrion: Oh man, this was almost too easy. So here is what I will do. I will release Pycelle to the Queen's custody. That way Cersei can THINK you came in here and intimidated me. That dumb bitch won't suspect a thing. But we'll know the truth. And you'll tell me all the shit she tells you. If not... well... the Joffrey thing.
Lancel: Of course! So sorry! So sorry! Also, to answer your earlier question... I pop my load on her stomach.
And then Lancel runs away.
Tyrion: Jesus, it's a good thing that my uncle Kevan Lannister has other sons because Cersei is going to kill that moron as soon as she figures out that he's become my spy. And even if Cersei doesn't kill him... what happens when Jaime comes back? If Jamie finds out that Lancel has been doing Cersei... then HE'D kill him. Needless to say, this dumbass is doomed.
And with that done, it's now the middle of the night but Tyrion is restless.
Tyrion: PODRICK! Get your ass back in here!
Pod: Yes, m'lord.
Tyrion: Summon Bronn and get my horses ready. It's time for a late night booty call to Chataya's brothel.
And so the same-ol, same-ol happens. Just like last time; you get the drill. They head out to Chataya's brothel and Tyrion pretends that he's going to see Chataya's daughter, Alayaya. But really he exits through a secret passage and goes to a DIFFERENT brothel to see Shae.
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