Meryn Trant: Whattup?
Tyrion: Shut up. I’m going into my sister’s bedchamber.
Tyrion does exactly that because is Meryn Fucking Trant really going to stop him?
Inside he finds Cersei in with a half-naked Lancel Lannister. Lancel is playing "Angel of the Morning" by Merrilee Rush (sorry Juice Newton fans, go watch Deadpool) on an acoustic guitar. And it looks like Cersei just got done playing the skin flute, if you know what I mean.
Tyrion: Damn, you really like screwing your own family members, don’t you? Except for me, of course. This is a serious psychological condition. You need a mental health checkup, ASAP.
Cersei: Uhh… no. That wasn’t happening at all. *zips dress back up*
Tyrion: What? Zippers don't even exist yet! Now get dafuq out of here, Lancel. I have some important business to talk to my sister about.
Cersei: If this is about me ordering those Faith of the Seven priests to be arrested… I REGRET NOTHING. They were preaching that the gods were punishing everyone because Jaime killed the “rightful” king. Ugh. Robert’s Rebellion was like two decades ago. Get over it, people. And what kind of lame gods take 15 years to punish people?
Lancel: YEAH! Fuck those Faith of the Seven people. I HATE THEM. They are the worst. The characters in the Faith of the Seven are literally the worst characters in the book. They should have their tongues cut out. They should be feathered and tarred. They should be led into traps and stabbed by a team of boys under the Sept of Baelor as part of an elaborate plot to blow it up with Wildfire.
Tyrion: Hahaha, nice Lancel. I love it that right now in the books your character expressly and openly states a dislike for the Faith of the Seven. This is good stuff. Wonderful forshadowing. Now, as I previously said… GET OUT OF HERE, LANCEL!
Lancel fucks off.
Tyrion: So anyway, Cersei… that Faith of the Seven stuff, I don’t really give a shit about that. Those Septons can stay in jail for all I care. I came to talk to you abo--- Wow, you know what I just noticed? This is a total non-sequitur. But isn’t that the exact same bed that King Robert died in?
Cersei: Yep.
Tyrion: And you still sleep in it? And have sex with your cousin in it?
Cersei: This is the best bed ever. Laying where that fat shit died gives me the sweetest dreams ever. Now what was it that you wanted to talk to me about then… if it wasn’t about me ordering those priests to the dungeon?
Tyrion: Oh right. It was about Stannis. We just got word that he set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking--
Cersei: --AGHHHH! I KNEW IT! WE’RE DOOMED! WE’RE DOOMED! WE HAVE NO DEFENSES! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AGHHHHH!
Cersei grabs a bottle that says “suicide potion” and begins to hold it to her mouth.
Tyrion: --AHH! AH! STOP! As much as that action would vastly simplify these books, I’m going to stop you right there. Let me complete my sentence. Stannis set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking... STORM’S END!
Cersei: OH SHIT! He’s attacking RENLY?!
Tyrion: Yes.
Cersei bursts into laughter. She starts crying. Not out of sadness. But out of happiness.
Cersei: THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS EVER! Two of our biggest enemies are fighting each other! This is so awesome. If only there were some typical way I generally celebrated happy news.
Tyrion: By drinking?
Ceresei: OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!
Tyrion: Here. Let me pour you one, on the house!
Cersei: Hells to the yeah.
Tyrion pours her a drink of wine, but slips in a pill that came from a bottle that says “Instantly Dissolving, Tasteless, Super Concentrated Prune Extract.”
Cersei: Prost!
Tyrion: Sláinte!
They both drink.
Tyrion: Well, bye. I’m going to leave before the diarrhea storm floods the room.
Cersei: See you lat—wait, what did you say?
Tyrion: Nothing.
The next day, Cersei is on the throne. Not the Iron Throne. You know what throne I mean. She literally cannot stop shitting. It’s pretty damn rough. She’s stuck in her en-suite bathroom and probably won’t leave for, like, four days.
Tyrion: Awesome, with Cersei out of commission, now my awesome power grab begins!
Tyrion holds a meeting with the Lannister guardsmen, Gold Cloaks, Varys, Littlefinger, Pycelle, Bronn, Sansa, Ser Cleos Frey, his cousin Tyrek Lannister, and a bunch of other largely irrelevant characters. Why even bother mentioning them? They’re just there to provide atmosphere.
Tyrion: So Cleos, I’m ready to give you our counter-terms to Robb “The Young Wolf” Stark. Here they are all written down on paper. Robb must lay down his sword, swear fealty to King Joffrey, return to Winterfell, return my brother Jaime unarmed, place his existing armies under Jamie’s control to march on Renly and Stannis, have each of his bannermen give a son to us as a hostage so that they will act in good faith.
Cleos: I don’t think Robb will agree to any of those parts. Except for that “return Jaime unarmed” part. He would probably be okay with that.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! Did I really say “unarmed?” Yeah. Damnit! There is a spelling mistake on these terms! It was supposed to say UNHARMED! With an H! Do we have to re-write this whole thing now?
Cleos: I dunno. Surely Robb will get that it’s just a spelling mistake. It’s not like anyone is dumb enough to go around cutting Jaime Lannister’s appendages off.
Tyrion: Yeah, good point. Let’s just leave it as-is. Because finding a calligrapher at this time of day is a biatch. Anyway, let Robb know that if he doesn’t agree to these terms – the Lannisters have raised another great army at Casterly Rock that will march on him to destroy him. He has no hope and no allies. Stannis and Renly war with each other. The Prince of Dorne has agreed to a marriage alliance with the Lannisters, wedding Trystane Martell to Myrcella Baratheon.
Cleos: Yeah, good points. That should scare him!
Tyrion: But let him know that we are also with mercy and in good faith, we are willing to trade our hostages for their hostages and we’ll also give him his father’s bones.
Cleos: Oh, cool. Cool. What about his father’s sword, Ice, and his sisters Sansa and Arya? Robb really wants to know about those things. Hey! Where is that Arya girl anyway?
Tyrion: We tend to just not talk about that. Anyway, he’ll get all of those back when he makes peace and gives us Jaime back. No sooner. Now, Vylarr… leader of the Lannister guardsmen, please step forward!
Vylarr: Oh sweet. I get to be in another chapter? Remember when we both rode together that one chapter and you were talking to me? I love being an important character.
Tyrion: Well, I’m sending you away now.
Vylarr: Awww. So much for that.
Tyrion: You and the Lannister guard will help escort Ser Cleos back. Cleos is half-Lannister, after all!
Pycelle: HEY WAIT! Why would you send the entire Lannister guard out of town?
Tyrion: Why surely the Gold Cloaks and Kingsguard are enough to protect our king!
Varys: *smiles knowingly*
Littlefinger: *pretends to be bored by Tyrion’s subtle and devious subterfuge at lessening Cersei’s power and influence while simultaneously strengthening his own*
Sansa: *looks around unaware and confused because she’s stupid AF*
Bronn: *wonders why he was specifically called out as a character in this chapter if he will have no lines*
Tyrion: Well, I guess if there are no further questions, I’ll call this meeting to a close and--
The doors burst open and Alliser Thorne barges in.
Allister Thorne: *AHEM* I’ve been waiting here forever. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!
Tyrion: Oh wow… really? What a horrible mistake that has occurred! I had no idea. Why, I would never treat my “good friend” who I walked the Wall with in such a negative way intentionally.
Alliser: I saw those floating quotation marks around the “good friend” part of your sentence, dwarf! Don’t think I don’t know that was sarcastic. I DEMAND to speak to the King!
Tyrion: No. The King is too busy to talk to you. You must talk to the King’s servants instead.
Alliser: WHAT?! He’s too busy doing what?
Tyrion: Playing with his new crossbow. So what’s up?
And so Alliser goes into the whole story. You already know it. Two long-dead rangers rose from the dead as Wights. They killed Jaremy “Spoke in Class Today” Rykker. They tried to kill Lord Commander Mormont. Alliser leaves out the part about Jon Snow saving the Lord Commander because he’s petty like that and refuses to give Snow any props.
Tyrion: Well, sounds like a bunch of bullshit. So you claim you killed “dead men?” Sounds like they were just MOSTLY dead. Which means slightly alive. Hahaha! See what I did there?
Crowd: *laughs like sycophants even though quoting Princess Bride there was a bit of a stretch, because they want the Hand of the King to like them*
Alliser: Fuck you. They were totally dead the first time and they came back! We had proof. We had a zombie hand. But you kept me waiting so long that it rotted away. Now it’s just bones.
Tyrion: Mmmhmm, suuuuure. You have proof but now the "deep state" forced you to lose it. Sure. Look, here is what I will do for you. Littlefinger will send you back with 100 shovels so you can bury the dead a little better next time. And Ser Jacelyn will allow you to pick whatever prisoners we have left in the dungeons to join the Watch.
Ser Jacelyn leans over to Tyrion and whispers in his ear.
Tyrion: What? No more prisoners in the dungeons?! WHY?
Ser Jacelyn: We literally just gave the Watch all of our prisoners not that long ago. The last Hand, Ned Stark, gave them to that “Yoren” guy.
Tyrion: Oh. Well, I guess you can just go out and arrest some more people. Or maybe just tell all these starving peasants in and around Kings Landing that there is a TON of food up at the Wall. Then they’ll all just come marching back with you, Alliser.
Alliser: What the FUCK? You’re making this whole thing like some sort of joke, dwarf? Just because you don’t like me? THE DEAD ARE COMING BACK AND KILLING THE LIVING.
Tyrion: Meh, whatever. I’m done with you.
Tyrion waves his hand and Bronn escorts Alliser Thorne out.
Varys: Oh, well done, Tyrion! What an excellent job you’re doing as the Hand!
Tyrion: Stop brown-nosing, asshole.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger is giving Tyrion the stink eye.
Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU, BOY?
Littlefinger: Oh, nothing. Interesting that you told ME that Myrcella was going to marry Robert Arryn, and yet you also made a deal to marry her to Tystane Martell.
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man. Don’t take that personally. It was just some awesome shit I was doing where I was telling everyone a different story to see which one leaked. You’re good, man.
Pycelle: Huh? Sorry? What was that? I dozed off and wasn’t paying attention.
Tyrion: Don’t worry about it.
Pycelle: Okay. *goes back to sleep*
Tyrion: Now Varys, let’s walk and talk.
The two leave.
Varys: You know, Cersei will never let you send all the Lannister guards away.
Tyrion: They’ll be long gone before she gets out of the toilet. So she really can’t do anything about it. Besides, you’re going to help me get top cover when Cersei stops shitting. You’re going to tell her that it’s all part of my plan to help save Jaime.
Varys: And how does that make sense?
Tyrion: Well, we’re going to send up an elite, A-Team/Suicide Squad-type of entity including a thief, a poisoner, a mummer, a murderer, and Solid Snake. They’ll be part of our infiltration mission to get Jaime back. If we just send those people up alone – they’ll be easily spotted. But if we send them up and blend them in disguise with the 400 other Lannister guards… how will the Starks even be able to notice them?
Varys: It sounds good in principle, but you know Solid Snake won’t actually keep that Lannister guard disguise on. Ten minutes into the whole thing he’ll put on that lame cardboard box disguise which doesn’t fool anyone. The whole thing will be blown.
Tyrion: Meh.
That evening, Ser Cleos leaves town with the Lannister guards and one surprisingly mobile cardbord box with legs. As soon as they’re gone, Tyrion assembles his crew of Vale mountain clansmen for yet another mission.
Shagga uses his axe to break open Grand Maester Pycelle’s door.
Pycelle: WHAT THE HELL?!
Pycelle is in there, having sex with a hooker.
Tyrion: Hey, you name wouldn’t happen to be “Ros,” would it?
Hooker: No, there is no "Ros" in the books.
Tyrion: Okay.
Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH!
Randy Savage delivers a diving crossbody to Pycelle, followed up by a diving double axe handle, and then an Atomic Elbow Drop to finish him off.
Earl Hebner: 1…2…3!!!!
Savage wins. Pycelle pisses and shits himself, laying naked on the ground.
Pycelle: WHY! WHHHHHHYYYY?
Tyrion: You’re the leak, Pycelle. I sent different messages via different people. The message that you sent out leaked to Cersei.
Pycelle: I’m innocent! Innocent, I say! Something… something must have happened to the raven when it was sent out. Someone intercepted it!
Shagga: SHAGGA WILL CUT OFF PYCELLE’S MANHOOD AND FEET IT TO HIS GOATS!
Macho Man: OOOH YEAH! AND THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE SLIM JIMS!
Tyrion: Gross. Perhaps that’s going a little too far. How about you just cut off his beard instead?
So Shagga cuts off Pycelle’s long beard, immediately transforming Pycelle into Aris Kristatos.
Kristatos: I have a fetish for underage, blonde ice skaters!
Tyrion: Gross, but not half as gross as most sexual relationships in these books.
Kristatos: How can you do this to me? I am a loyal Lannister! I have done everything to serve your house, Tyrion. Why, it was I who was key in convincing King Aerys to open the gates to let your father’s army into town.
Tyrion: So you’re pleading for your life by mentioning that time you BETRAYED someone? Because I remember that story ending with the king being executed. How many people have you betrayed? The Mad King? Eddard Stark? Me? King Robert? Jon Arryn? Prince Rhaegar?
Kristatos: Robert was an awful king! Renly was plotting to have Cersei divorced and for Robert to marry Margaery Tyrell. And Jon Arryn knew of Cersei’s incest! They had to be gotten rid of. They meant to harm the Lannisters! I did it all for the Lannisters! I did it all for your family!
Tyrion: So you’re admitting that you killed Jon Arryn? That’s an even worse move.
Kristatos: No! It wasn’t me. It was the squire, Ser Hugh. Not me! I swear!
Tyrion: You disgust me! Shagga and Macho Man, take Pycelle to the black cells!
And so they carry Pycelle away to prison. Tyrion walks around Pycelle’s chambers and looks around in disgust. Pycelle was the leak. But he doesn’t really trust Littlefinger or Varys either. Maybe they should all be executed.
Tyrion: Shut up. I’m going into my sister’s bedchamber.
Tyrion does exactly that because is Meryn Fucking Trant really going to stop him?
Inside he finds Cersei in with a half-naked Lancel Lannister. Lancel is playing "Angel of the Morning" by Merrilee Rush (sorry Juice Newton fans, go watch Deadpool) on an acoustic guitar. And it looks like Cersei just got done playing the skin flute, if you know what I mean.
Tyrion: Damn, you really like screwing your own family members, don’t you? Except for me, of course. This is a serious psychological condition. You need a mental health checkup, ASAP.
Cersei: Uhh… no. That wasn’t happening at all. *zips dress back up*
Tyrion: What? Zippers don't even exist yet! Now get dafuq out of here, Lancel. I have some important business to talk to my sister about.
Cersei: If this is about me ordering those Faith of the Seven priests to be arrested… I REGRET NOTHING. They were preaching that the gods were punishing everyone because Jaime killed the “rightful” king. Ugh. Robert’s Rebellion was like two decades ago. Get over it, people. And what kind of lame gods take 15 years to punish people?
Lancel: YEAH! Fuck those Faith of the Seven people. I HATE THEM. They are the worst. The characters in the Faith of the Seven are literally the worst characters in the book. They should have their tongues cut out. They should be feathered and tarred. They should be led into traps and stabbed by a team of boys under the Sept of Baelor as part of an elaborate plot to blow it up with Wildfire.
Tyrion: Hahaha, nice Lancel. I love it that right now in the books your character expressly and openly states a dislike for the Faith of the Seven. This is good stuff. Wonderful forshadowing. Now, as I previously said… GET OUT OF HERE, LANCEL!
Lancel fucks off.
Tyrion: So anyway, Cersei… that Faith of the Seven stuff, I don’t really give a shit about that. Those Septons can stay in jail for all I care. I came to talk to you abo--- Wow, you know what I just noticed? This is a total non-sequitur. But isn’t that the exact same bed that King Robert died in?
Cersei: Yep.
Tyrion: And you still sleep in it? And have sex with your cousin in it?
Cersei: This is the best bed ever. Laying where that fat shit died gives me the sweetest dreams ever. Now what was it that you wanted to talk to me about then… if it wasn’t about me ordering those priests to the dungeon?
Tyrion: Oh right. It was about Stannis. We just got word that he set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking--
Cersei: --AGHHHH! I KNEW IT! WE’RE DOOMED! WE’RE DOOMED! WE HAVE NO DEFENSES! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AGHHHHH!
Cersei grabs a bottle that says “suicide potion” and begins to hold it to her mouth.
Tyrion: --AHH! AH! STOP! As much as that action would vastly simplify these books, I’m going to stop you right there. Let me complete my sentence. Stannis set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking... STORM’S END!
Cersei: OH SHIT! He’s attacking RENLY?!
Tyrion: Yes.
Cersei bursts into laughter. She starts crying. Not out of sadness. But out of happiness.
Cersei: THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS EVER! Two of our biggest enemies are fighting each other! This is so awesome. If only there were some typical way I generally celebrated happy news.
Tyrion: By drinking?
Ceresei: OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!
Tyrion: Here. Let me pour you one, on the house!
Cersei: Hells to the yeah.
Tyrion pours her a drink of wine, but slips in a pill that came from a bottle that says “Instantly Dissolving, Tasteless, Super Concentrated Prune Extract.”
Cersei: Prost!
Tyrion: Sláinte!
They both drink.
Tyrion: Well, bye. I’m going to leave before the diarrhea storm floods the room.
Cersei: See you lat—wait, what did you say?
Tyrion: Nothing.
The next day, Cersei is on the throne. Not the Iron Throne. You know what throne I mean. She literally cannot stop shitting. It’s pretty damn rough. She’s stuck in her en-suite bathroom and probably won’t leave for, like, four days.
Tyrion: Awesome, with Cersei out of commission, now my awesome power grab begins!
Tyrion holds a meeting with the Lannister guardsmen, Gold Cloaks, Varys, Littlefinger, Pycelle, Bronn, Sansa, Ser Cleos Frey, his cousin Tyrek Lannister, and a bunch of other largely irrelevant characters. Why even bother mentioning them? They’re just there to provide atmosphere.
Tyrion: So Cleos, I’m ready to give you our counter-terms to Robb “The Young Wolf” Stark. Here they are all written down on paper. Robb must lay down his sword, swear fealty to King Joffrey, return to Winterfell, return my brother Jaime unarmed, place his existing armies under Jamie’s control to march on Renly and Stannis, have each of his bannermen give a son to us as a hostage so that they will act in good faith.
Cleos: I don’t think Robb will agree to any of those parts. Except for that “return Jaime unarmed” part. He would probably be okay with that.
Tyrion: OH SHIT! Did I really say “unarmed?” Yeah. Damnit! There is a spelling mistake on these terms! It was supposed to say UNHARMED! With an H! Do we have to re-write this whole thing now?
Cleos: I dunno. Surely Robb will get that it’s just a spelling mistake. It’s not like anyone is dumb enough to go around cutting Jaime Lannister’s appendages off.
Tyrion: Yeah, good point. Let’s just leave it as-is. Because finding a calligrapher at this time of day is a biatch. Anyway, let Robb know that if he doesn’t agree to these terms – the Lannisters have raised another great army at Casterly Rock that will march on him to destroy him. He has no hope and no allies. Stannis and Renly war with each other. The Prince of Dorne has agreed to a marriage alliance with the Lannisters, wedding Trystane Martell to Myrcella Baratheon.
Cleos: Yeah, good points. That should scare him!
Tyrion: But let him know that we are also with mercy and in good faith, we are willing to trade our hostages for their hostages and we’ll also give him his father’s bones.
Cleos: Oh, cool. Cool. What about his father’s sword, Ice, and his sisters Sansa and Arya? Robb really wants to know about those things. Hey! Where is that Arya girl anyway?
Tyrion: We tend to just not talk about that. Anyway, he’ll get all of those back when he makes peace and gives us Jaime back. No sooner. Now, Vylarr… leader of the Lannister guardsmen, please step forward!
Vylarr: Oh sweet. I get to be in another chapter? Remember when we both rode together that one chapter and you were talking to me? I love being an important character.
Tyrion: Well, I’m sending you away now.
Vylarr: Awww. So much for that.
Tyrion: You and the Lannister guard will help escort Ser Cleos back. Cleos is half-Lannister, after all!
Pycelle: HEY WAIT! Why would you send the entire Lannister guard out of town?
Tyrion: Why surely the Gold Cloaks and Kingsguard are enough to protect our king!
Varys: *smiles knowingly*
Littlefinger: *pretends to be bored by Tyrion’s subtle and devious subterfuge at lessening Cersei’s power and influence while simultaneously strengthening his own*
Sansa: *looks around unaware and confused because she’s stupid AF*
Bronn: *wonders why he was specifically called out as a character in this chapter if he will have no lines*
Tyrion: Well, I guess if there are no further questions, I’ll call this meeting to a close and--
The doors burst open and Alliser Thorne barges in.
Allister Thorne: *AHEM* I’ve been waiting here forever. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!
Tyrion: Oh wow… really? What a horrible mistake that has occurred! I had no idea. Why, I would never treat my “good friend” who I walked the Wall with in such a negative way intentionally.
Alliser: I saw those floating quotation marks around the “good friend” part of your sentence, dwarf! Don’t think I don’t know that was sarcastic. I DEMAND to speak to the King!
Tyrion: No. The King is too busy to talk to you. You must talk to the King’s servants instead.
Alliser: WHAT?! He’s too busy doing what?
Tyrion: Playing with his new crossbow. So what’s up?
And so Alliser goes into the whole story. You already know it. Two long-dead rangers rose from the dead as Wights. They killed Jaremy “Spoke in Class Today” Rykker. They tried to kill Lord Commander Mormont. Alliser leaves out the part about Jon Snow saving the Lord Commander because he’s petty like that and refuses to give Snow any props.
Tyrion: Well, sounds like a bunch of bullshit. So you claim you killed “dead men?” Sounds like they were just MOSTLY dead. Which means slightly alive. Hahaha! See what I did there?
Crowd: *laughs like sycophants even though quoting Princess Bride there was a bit of a stretch, because they want the Hand of the King to like them*
Alliser: Fuck you. They were totally dead the first time and they came back! We had proof. We had a zombie hand. But you kept me waiting so long that it rotted away. Now it’s just bones.
Tyrion: Mmmhmm, suuuuure. You have proof but now the "deep state" forced you to lose it. Sure. Look, here is what I will do for you. Littlefinger will send you back with 100 shovels so you can bury the dead a little better next time. And Ser Jacelyn will allow you to pick whatever prisoners we have left in the dungeons to join the Watch.
Ser Jacelyn leans over to Tyrion and whispers in his ear.
Tyrion: What? No more prisoners in the dungeons?! WHY?
Ser Jacelyn: We literally just gave the Watch all of our prisoners not that long ago. The last Hand, Ned Stark, gave them to that “Yoren” guy.
Tyrion: Oh. Well, I guess you can just go out and arrest some more people. Or maybe just tell all these starving peasants in and around Kings Landing that there is a TON of food up at the Wall. Then they’ll all just come marching back with you, Alliser.
Alliser: What the FUCK? You’re making this whole thing like some sort of joke, dwarf? Just because you don’t like me? THE DEAD ARE COMING BACK AND KILLING THE LIVING.
Tyrion: Meh, whatever. I’m done with you.
Tyrion waves his hand and Bronn escorts Alliser Thorne out.
Varys: Oh, well done, Tyrion! What an excellent job you’re doing as the Hand!
Tyrion: Stop brown-nosing, asshole.
Meanwhile, Littlefinger is giving Tyrion the stink eye.
Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU, BOY?
Littlefinger: Oh, nothing. Interesting that you told ME that Myrcella was going to marry Robert Arryn, and yet you also made a deal to marry her to Tystane Martell.
Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man. Don’t take that personally. It was just some awesome shit I was doing where I was telling everyone a different story to see which one leaked. You’re good, man.
Pycelle: Huh? Sorry? What was that? I dozed off and wasn’t paying attention.
Tyrion: Don’t worry about it.
Pycelle: Okay. *goes back to sleep*
Tyrion: Now Varys, let’s walk and talk.
The two leave.
Varys: You know, Cersei will never let you send all the Lannister guards away.
Tyrion: They’ll be long gone before she gets out of the toilet. So she really can’t do anything about it. Besides, you’re going to help me get top cover when Cersei stops shitting. You’re going to tell her that it’s all part of my plan to help save Jaime.
Varys: And how does that make sense?
Tyrion: Well, we’re going to send up an elite, A-Team/Suicide Squad-type of entity including a thief, a poisoner, a mummer, a murderer, and Solid Snake. They’ll be part of our infiltration mission to get Jaime back. If we just send those people up alone – they’ll be easily spotted. But if we send them up and blend them in disguise with the 400 other Lannister guards… how will the Starks even be able to notice them?
Varys: It sounds good in principle, but you know Solid Snake won’t actually keep that Lannister guard disguise on. Ten minutes into the whole thing he’ll put on that lame cardboard box disguise which doesn’t fool anyone. The whole thing will be blown.
Tyrion: Meh.
That evening, Ser Cleos leaves town with the Lannister guards and one surprisingly mobile cardbord box with legs. As soon as they’re gone, Tyrion assembles his crew of Vale mountain clansmen for yet another mission.
Shagga uses his axe to break open Grand Maester Pycelle’s door.
Pycelle: WHAT THE HELL?!
Pycelle is in there, having sex with a hooker.
Tyrion: Hey, you name wouldn’t happen to be “Ros,” would it?
Hooker: No, there is no "Ros" in the books.
Tyrion: Okay.
Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH!
Randy Savage delivers a diving crossbody to Pycelle, followed up by a diving double axe handle, and then an Atomic Elbow Drop to finish him off.
Earl Hebner: 1…2…3!!!!
Savage wins. Pycelle pisses and shits himself, laying naked on the ground.
Pycelle: WHY! WHHHHHHYYYY?
Tyrion: You’re the leak, Pycelle. I sent different messages via different people. The message that you sent out leaked to Cersei.
Pycelle: I’m innocent! Innocent, I say! Something… something must have happened to the raven when it was sent out. Someone intercepted it!
Shagga: SHAGGA WILL CUT OFF PYCELLE’S MANHOOD AND FEET IT TO HIS GOATS!
Macho Man: OOOH YEAH! AND THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE SLIM JIMS!
Tyrion: Gross. Perhaps that’s going a little too far. How about you just cut off his beard instead?
So Shagga cuts off Pycelle’s long beard, immediately transforming Pycelle into Aris Kristatos.
Kristatos: I have a fetish for underage, blonde ice skaters!
Tyrion: Gross, but not half as gross as most sexual relationships in these books.
Kristatos: How can you do this to me? I am a loyal Lannister! I have done everything to serve your house, Tyrion. Why, it was I who was key in convincing King Aerys to open the gates to let your father’s army into town.
Tyrion: So you’re pleading for your life by mentioning that time you BETRAYED someone? Because I remember that story ending with the king being executed. How many people have you betrayed? The Mad King? Eddard Stark? Me? King Robert? Jon Arryn? Prince Rhaegar?
Kristatos: Robert was an awful king! Renly was plotting to have Cersei divorced and for Robert to marry Margaery Tyrell. And Jon Arryn knew of Cersei’s incest! They had to be gotten rid of. They meant to harm the Lannisters! I did it all for the Lannisters! I did it all for your family!
Tyrion: So you’re admitting that you killed Jon Arryn? That’s an even worse move.
Kristatos: No! It wasn’t me. It was the squire, Ser Hugh. Not me! I swear!
Tyrion: You disgust me! Shagga and Macho Man, take Pycelle to the black cells!
And so they carry Pycelle away to prison. Tyrion walks around Pycelle’s chambers and looks around in disgust. Pycelle was the leak. But he doesn’t really trust Littlefinger or Varys either. Maybe they should all be executed.
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