Theon: Ah, look at my new awesome Longship that my daddy has given me to attack the very people who raised me over the last ten years in Westeros. I mean it’s not as good as some other ships, but it’s pretty sweet and I’ll be able to command 100 men!
Sexy Lady: Oh hey there, Theon.
Theon: Dayum girl, you fine. Mind if I slip my little Theon up in your cooch?
Sexy Lady: Wow, we literally just met and you’re talking about intercourse. That is pretty messed up. You have no idea who I am.
Theon: Then tell me who you are.
Esgred: My name is "Esgred." I’m the daughter of Ambrode and wife to Sigrin the shipwright.
Theon: I feel like I’ve known you my whole life though. For some reason you seem so familiar. Like… did I know you as a kid or something?
Esgred: No comment.
Theon: Gurl, I have a raging hard on right now. Just feel this.
She does.
Esgred: Yep. That’s pretty hard. But I’m new with child, so I couldn’t possibly help you out with that. You know, it’s all still sore down there.
Theon: Even better that way! That means I can’t get you with child. Plus I get to drink your mother’s milk, which has always been a fetish of mine. Tell me, have you ever been with a Prince before? One day when you’re old and wrinkled, you can tell your grandchildren that you had sex with King Theon!
Esgred: That is a really strange scenario you’re positing there, Theon. How many Grandmothers do you know who go around bragging about their sex lives to their grandkids?
Theon: You’re wasted on that loser shipwright! You should be with me instead.
Esgred: Hey now, my husband just built your ship. That’s no way to repay him.
Theon: Oh, I’ll name my ship after you to repay him. I’ll call her “Sea Bitch.”
Esgred: That escalated quickly.
Theon: Now come on board so we can bless this ship with the milk of our loins.
Esgred: Uhhh… I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to do that with a bottle of champagne. Not jism.
Theon: Come on now. You can’t leave me hanging. You want me to captain this ship all blue-balled?
Esgred then grabs his junk again. She even starts unlacing his pants.
Esgred: How are you even going to steer the ship. With this?
Theon: So I’m getting mixed signals here. You keep saying no sex, but you also keep grabbing my junk. How about you come back to my place tonight? And by “my place” I mean my dad’s house. But my dad is the king, so I mean back to Pyke Castle. Have you ever met King Balon Greyjoy before?
Esgred: No comment. Anyway, I can’t come back to the castle with you. I don’t have a horse to get there.
Theon: Oh, we can just ride my horse together then. You can be in the front and I’ll be in the back, so the entire ride I can grind my junk into your ayass and reach around to grab your boobs.
Esgred: Oh, you’re such a romantic!
And so they go to grab Theon’s horse, which is parked in town. Is “parked” the proper word you use for when you leave a horse somewhere? I don’t know.
As they enter town, everyone starts bowing towards Theon and Esgred.
Theon: FINALLY! People recognize me and threat me with the respect that I deserve.
Esgred: Yeah. Sure. They’re bowing to you. Let’s go with that.
They approach Theon’s new squire, Wex. Fortunately and coincidentally for reasons that are completely convenient for this chapter, Wex is a mute and is totally unable to talk. When he sees Theon and Esgred together, with Theon groping her, his eyes bug out. But he can’t say anything. You know, because it’s convenient for him not to be able to.
And so Theon and Esgred ride to Pyke, with Theon grinding his junk into her ayass and reaching around to grab her boobs the entire time (as promised).
Esgred: So, you think your father will welcome me to the castle?
Theon: Pfft. He hardly welcomed me and I’m his heir.
Esgred: Really? You’ve been gone a while. Are you sure you’re still his heir? I hear the king has other family. A daughter. Brothers.
Theon: Please. My sister, Asha? She’s some dumb, pimpled girl with no rack that dresses like a boy. She’ll probably get married off to some lordling to make an alliance, if there is any lord desperate enough to take someone as ugly as her. And my uncles? Well, they suck. Aeron only cares about the Drowned God. Euron has been half-way around the world for years, and nobody knows if he’s even still alive. And Victarion… well… he’s such an unimportant character that he was written out of the TV show.
Esgred: Cool, thanks for that rather convenient description of your sister. That’s almost as convenient, for plot purposes, as Wex being unable to talk.
They eventually get to the castle.
Stableboy: Oh, hi Asha.
Esgred: Hey there!
Theon: Wait… what?! Why did this stableboy just call you “Asha”? That’s my sister’s name.
Esgred: Oh right. I forgot to tell you, I’m Asha.
Theon: WHAT?!
Asha: Yeah. I’m your sister.
Theon: You didn’t forget to tell me. YOU SAID YOU WERE ESGRED, THE SHIPWRIGHT’S WIFE!
Asha: That was a lie. Protip: You’ve been gone for 10 years. Just because your little sister was a flat-chested tomboy a decade ago doesn’t mean she still is. That’s sort of how time works.
Theon: WHY THE HELL DID YOU KEEP GRABBING MY JUNK AND UNLACING MY BREECHES?
Asha: Seemed like it would be part of a hilarious practical joke at the time. I can see now, with hindsight being 20/20, how it could have been quite gross on my part. But I still stand by my decision. No regrets.
Wex the squire bursts into the closest thing to “laughter” that a mute person can burst into. He knew the whole time but couldn’t say anything. Because he was mute. GET IT? That’s the specific reason GRRM conveniently gave Theon a mute squire. For this moment. In every future chapter with him, just remember the only reason that character can't talk is so that GRRM could make this one incest joke.
Theon: Well, I’m going to go wash my entire body in bleach now and throw up a thousand times.
Theon runs off to do that.
Hours later, it’s time for the dinner feast, hosted by his dad. Theon goes to the dais to take his seat.
Lord Balon: You’re late, son.
Theon: Yeah, I had to vomit everything I’ve ever eaten out of my body and try to erase the last few hours from my mind.
Theon looks at the chairs. He thinks he should be sitting next to his father, but that seat is taken by Asha.
Theon: Uhm… you’re in my spot.
Asha: Really? I thought your spot was in Winterfell!
Lord Harlaw: OHH! Good burn there, Asha.
Theon angrily takes the seat next to Asha, two away from his father.
Server: Oh, hey there everybody. I’m just here to take your drink orders. So, how many of you want beer and how many of you want wine?
Asha: Oh, Theon here doesn’t want any alcohol. I think all he wants to drink tonight is my “mother’s milk.” Hahaha…. HEY EVERYBODY! I have an awesome story to tell you about Theon trying to have sex with me, his own sister.
Theon: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You tricked me! Everything you told me was a lie.
Asha: No, not everything. I am married. But not to any shipwright.
Asha grabs a giant axe and smashes it into Theon’s cup. Wine explodes all over Theon’s face.
Asha: This is my husband.
Theon: So you married an axe?
Asha: Yes.
Theon: Is this like an actual marriage or more like a civil union type of thing? I’m not up to speed on the inanimate object-marrying laws of the Iron Isles. But I can see what Republicans were talking about now with the whole "Gay Marriage is a Slippery Slope" thing.
Asha: It’s really meant more as a metaphor for my warrior prowess and how I, as a female, am a stronger and more fierce warrior than you and therefore am more deserving to be heir of Pyke when father dies.
Balon: WHOA, I’m right here. Why you gotta talk about me dying like that? Anyway. Party is over. Everyone who is up on the dais needs to come back to my solar. We have some war discussion to talk about.
Theon: What? I just got here and haven’t eaten yet.
Balon: Like I said, you were LATE.
And so they go back to Lord Balon’s damp, drafty solar.
Balon: Okay bitches, here is the plan. Theon, you will command 8 ships that will attack the Stony Shore and do some raiding work. Aeron and Dagmer will assist you. And by “assist you,” I mean they will be the real leaders of the raids because I don’t actually trust you or put any faith into your abilities. Asha, I will give you a much larger force of 30 ships and you will do the much more important task of attacking Deepwood Motte.
Asha: Sweet. I’ve always wanted a castle.
Theon: NO FAIR! I’ve actually been to Deepwoode Motte before. I know all about it! I should be the one who gets to attack it.
Balon: Shut up, Theon. And lastly, Victorion… you will lead the main thrust of my forces and attack Moat Cailin. Once we win that, Robb Stark will be trapped in the south and not able to return home.
Theon: But I--
Balon: --SHUT UP, THEON.
Theon leaves the meeting, despondent. He walks out of the solar via the precarious rope bridge that connects various parts of Pyke. As he stands on the bridge, he falls to his knees. Asha shows up and helps him to his feet.
Theon: Ugh. You? I liked you better when you were Esgred.
Asha: Hahaha, good one. So you still wanna fuck or what?
Theon: WHAT THE HELL?!
Sexy Lady: Oh hey there, Theon.
Theon: Dayum girl, you fine. Mind if I slip my little Theon up in your cooch?
Sexy Lady: Wow, we literally just met and you’re talking about intercourse. That is pretty messed up. You have no idea who I am.
Theon: Then tell me who you are.
Esgred: My name is "Esgred." I’m the daughter of Ambrode and wife to Sigrin the shipwright.
Theon: I feel like I’ve known you my whole life though. For some reason you seem so familiar. Like… did I know you as a kid or something?
Esgred: No comment.
Theon: Gurl, I have a raging hard on right now. Just feel this.
She does.
Esgred: Yep. That’s pretty hard. But I’m new with child, so I couldn’t possibly help you out with that. You know, it’s all still sore down there.
Theon: Even better that way! That means I can’t get you with child. Plus I get to drink your mother’s milk, which has always been a fetish of mine. Tell me, have you ever been with a Prince before? One day when you’re old and wrinkled, you can tell your grandchildren that you had sex with King Theon!
Esgred: That is a really strange scenario you’re positing there, Theon. How many Grandmothers do you know who go around bragging about their sex lives to their grandkids?
Theon: You’re wasted on that loser shipwright! You should be with me instead.
Esgred: Hey now, my husband just built your ship. That’s no way to repay him.
Theon: Oh, I’ll name my ship after you to repay him. I’ll call her “Sea Bitch.”
Esgred: That escalated quickly.
Theon: Now come on board so we can bless this ship with the milk of our loins.
Esgred: Uhhh… I’m pretty sure you’re supposed to do that with a bottle of champagne. Not jism.
Theon: Come on now. You can’t leave me hanging. You want me to captain this ship all blue-balled?
Esgred then grabs his junk again. She even starts unlacing his pants.
Esgred: How are you even going to steer the ship. With this?
Theon: So I’m getting mixed signals here. You keep saying no sex, but you also keep grabbing my junk. How about you come back to my place tonight? And by “my place” I mean my dad’s house. But my dad is the king, so I mean back to Pyke Castle. Have you ever met King Balon Greyjoy before?
Esgred: No comment. Anyway, I can’t come back to the castle with you. I don’t have a horse to get there.
Theon: Oh, we can just ride my horse together then. You can be in the front and I’ll be in the back, so the entire ride I can grind my junk into your ayass and reach around to grab your boobs.
Esgred: Oh, you’re such a romantic!
And so they go to grab Theon’s horse, which is parked in town. Is “parked” the proper word you use for when you leave a horse somewhere? I don’t know.
As they enter town, everyone starts bowing towards Theon and Esgred.
Theon: FINALLY! People recognize me and threat me with the respect that I deserve.
Esgred: Yeah. Sure. They’re bowing to you. Let’s go with that.
They approach Theon’s new squire, Wex. Fortunately and coincidentally for reasons that are completely convenient for this chapter, Wex is a mute and is totally unable to talk. When he sees Theon and Esgred together, with Theon groping her, his eyes bug out. But he can’t say anything. You know, because it’s convenient for him not to be able to.
And so Theon and Esgred ride to Pyke, with Theon grinding his junk into her ayass and reaching around to grab her boobs the entire time (as promised).
Esgred: So, you think your father will welcome me to the castle?
Theon: Pfft. He hardly welcomed me and I’m his heir.
Esgred: Really? You’ve been gone a while. Are you sure you’re still his heir? I hear the king has other family. A daughter. Brothers.
Theon: Please. My sister, Asha? She’s some dumb, pimpled girl with no rack that dresses like a boy. She’ll probably get married off to some lordling to make an alliance, if there is any lord desperate enough to take someone as ugly as her. And my uncles? Well, they suck. Aeron only cares about the Drowned God. Euron has been half-way around the world for years, and nobody knows if he’s even still alive. And Victarion… well… he’s such an unimportant character that he was written out of the TV show.
Esgred: Cool, thanks for that rather convenient description of your sister. That’s almost as convenient, for plot purposes, as Wex being unable to talk.
They eventually get to the castle.
Stableboy: Oh, hi Asha.
Esgred: Hey there!
Theon: Wait… what?! Why did this stableboy just call you “Asha”? That’s my sister’s name.
Esgred: Oh right. I forgot to tell you, I’m Asha.
Theon: WHAT?!
Asha: Yeah. I’m your sister.
Theon: You didn’t forget to tell me. YOU SAID YOU WERE ESGRED, THE SHIPWRIGHT’S WIFE!
Asha: That was a lie. Protip: You’ve been gone for 10 years. Just because your little sister was a flat-chested tomboy a decade ago doesn’t mean she still is. That’s sort of how time works.
Theon: WHY THE HELL DID YOU KEEP GRABBING MY JUNK AND UNLACING MY BREECHES?
Asha: Seemed like it would be part of a hilarious practical joke at the time. I can see now, with hindsight being 20/20, how it could have been quite gross on my part. But I still stand by my decision. No regrets.
Wex the squire bursts into the closest thing to “laughter” that a mute person can burst into. He knew the whole time but couldn’t say anything. Because he was mute. GET IT? That’s the specific reason GRRM conveniently gave Theon a mute squire. For this moment. In every future chapter with him, just remember the only reason that character can't talk is so that GRRM could make this one incest joke.
Theon: Well, I’m going to go wash my entire body in bleach now and throw up a thousand times.
Theon runs off to do that.
Hours later, it’s time for the dinner feast, hosted by his dad. Theon goes to the dais to take his seat.
Lord Balon: You’re late, son.
Theon: Yeah, I had to vomit everything I’ve ever eaten out of my body and try to erase the last few hours from my mind.
Theon looks at the chairs. He thinks he should be sitting next to his father, but that seat is taken by Asha.
Theon: Uhm… you’re in my spot.
Asha: Really? I thought your spot was in Winterfell!
Lord Harlaw: OHH! Good burn there, Asha.
Theon angrily takes the seat next to Asha, two away from his father.
Server: Oh, hey there everybody. I’m just here to take your drink orders. So, how many of you want beer and how many of you want wine?
Asha: Oh, Theon here doesn’t want any alcohol. I think all he wants to drink tonight is my “mother’s milk.” Hahaha…. HEY EVERYBODY! I have an awesome story to tell you about Theon trying to have sex with me, his own sister.
Theon: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! You tricked me! Everything you told me was a lie.
Asha: No, not everything. I am married. But not to any shipwright.
Asha grabs a giant axe and smashes it into Theon’s cup. Wine explodes all over Theon’s face.
Asha: This is my husband.
Theon: So you married an axe?
Asha: Yes.
Theon: Is this like an actual marriage or more like a civil union type of thing? I’m not up to speed on the inanimate object-marrying laws of the Iron Isles. But I can see what Republicans were talking about now with the whole "Gay Marriage is a Slippery Slope" thing.
Asha: It’s really meant more as a metaphor for my warrior prowess and how I, as a female, am a stronger and more fierce warrior than you and therefore am more deserving to be heir of Pyke when father dies.
Balon: WHOA, I’m right here. Why you gotta talk about me dying like that? Anyway. Party is over. Everyone who is up on the dais needs to come back to my solar. We have some war discussion to talk about.
Theon: What? I just got here and haven’t eaten yet.
Balon: Like I said, you were LATE.
And so they go back to Lord Balon’s damp, drafty solar.
Balon: Okay bitches, here is the plan. Theon, you will command 8 ships that will attack the Stony Shore and do some raiding work. Aeron and Dagmer will assist you. And by “assist you,” I mean they will be the real leaders of the raids because I don’t actually trust you or put any faith into your abilities. Asha, I will give you a much larger force of 30 ships and you will do the much more important task of attacking Deepwood Motte.
Asha: Sweet. I’ve always wanted a castle.
Theon: NO FAIR! I’ve actually been to Deepwoode Motte before. I know all about it! I should be the one who gets to attack it.
Balon: Shut up, Theon. And lastly, Victorion… you will lead the main thrust of my forces and attack Moat Cailin. Once we win that, Robb Stark will be trapped in the south and not able to return home.
Theon: But I--
Balon: --SHUT UP, THEON.
Theon leaves the meeting, despondent. He walks out of the solar via the precarious rope bridge that connects various parts of Pyke. As he stands on the bridge, he falls to his knees. Asha shows up and helps him to his feet.
Theon: Ugh. You? I liked you better when you were Esgred.
Asha: Hahaha, good one. So you still wanna fuck or what?
Theon: WHAT THE HELL?!
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