Cat is having sweet, wonderful dreams of pleasant family life with her alive husband and her children who are not fighting in wars, nor cripples, nor held captive by the Lannisters.
Then she wakes up and returns to reality.
Cat: Fuck
She then goes to have breakfast.
Shadd, her guardsman: I’m making some oats for breakfast, Lady Stark. Care to have some?
Wendel Manderly, Wyman’s son who is also fat: Oh yes, Cat! You have to try these oats. Especially with roast quail in it. SO GOOD.
Cat: Shut up, lardo. Oats and bread is enough for me. It’s like 7 in the morning. Stop being so fat and eating quail at 7 in the morning.
Wendel: *shame*
In addition to Ser Wendel and Shadd, Cat also rides south with Ser Perwym Frey, Lucas Blackwood (not to be confused with Lucas Black from Tokyo Drift), and Robin Flint.
Perwyn Frey: Oh man. I love all of you. You’re all the best! I hope we traveling companions can be best friends forever. Cat. Wendel, Lucas, Robin. All of you. I hope that one day all four of you, and many more, can be invited back to the Twins for a great, big wedding ceremony.
Cat: Aww, that’s so sweet, Perwyn. Thanks.
Wendel: Yes, I would not miss this wedding for the world!
Lucas: Indeed. Even though I don’t know who this wedding is for yet, I’m already going to RSVP for it.
Robin: I will be there too. That’s a promise.
Perwyn: GREAT!
And so with that settled, they all continue on their way to treat with King Renly. In this sense, “treat” is an old fashioned word that means something between “negotiate” and “meet.” It does not mean that they will give Renly treats. This is not Halloween. There is no such thing as Halloween in Westeros. Although it is indeed Fall Harvest time. So if there were one, it would be about now.
Cat recalls all the crazy actions that brought her this way, including her son manipulating her into going by saying he’d send Greatjon Umber in her place if she didn’t. But the Greatjon has the same diplomatic suaveness as Donald Trump, so Cat refused and said she’d go instead. She should have known that Robb was just bluffing about the Greatjon, but it got her to go anyway. She’s proud of her son being smart enough to manipulate her like that. He might truly be a great king one day. Surely he won’t make any stupid life decisions without her while she’s away. Surely.
Before she left to on the trip, she wrote to Bran and Rickon, and met with her father Hoster one last time. But her dad was so far gone he didn’t even recognize her and thought that she was his dead wife. Sad.
Suddenly, the party traveling south is surrounded by twenty men, led by this dude:
Ser Colen: HALT! I am Ser Colon of Greenpools! Who goes there?
Cat: Wow, your name is Colon?
Colen: NO! COLEN! With an E!
Cat: I’m Cat Stark. These are other people.
Colen: Oh, cool. I welcome you on behalf of King Renly. I’ve been ordered to escort you to his Majesty.
And Ser Colen escorts them into Renly’s camps. As they pass through, Cat can’t help but realize how big the camps are. The forces backing Renly are clearly much bigger than Robb’s own rag-tag armies of the North. There are thousands of campfires, siege engines, tents, roads, and pavilions.
As they ride through, they notice a tournament going on by a small castle. Or perhaps its just a chalk quarry in an overflow parking lot.
Colen: Wait here and watch this tournament while I go tell King Renly that you have arrived. I mean, surely there will be some character in this tournament who is important enough to become a main character with POV chapters in the future.
"Red Ronnet" Connington: Boy, I hope it’s me! You know, my dad’s cousin was Jon Connington who used to be Hand of the King to Prince Aerys II and was a good friend of Rhaegar. I’m sure that makes me a key character in these stories!
It won’t. Red Connet’s most notable contribution will be to be punched in the face by Jaime.
Red Ronnet: Awwww, damnit!
Red Ronnet is then knocked off his horse by some knight in the armor of House Tarth.
Cat: Oh wow, that Tarth knight seems really good. Super strong and masculine. But this whole tournament thing is stupid. Renly is in the middle of a REAL WAR and yet he’s playing at war with this tourney stuff. He should focus on the REAL threat.
Starscream: The Autobot moon base!
Cat: What? NO! Get outta here, Starscream!!!
Starscream transforms into a McDonnell Douglas F-15 Eagle and flies away.
In the crowd, Cat looks around at the nobles watching the tourney. After seeing people like Randyll “Sam’s not so loving father” Tarley, she also spots King Renly and his young wife, who must be this “Margaery Tyrell” person that everyone is talking about.
Cat: Geez, he looks just like Robert when he was young and thin. It’s amazing.
Finally the jousting tournament nears its end – with only two competitors remaining. The knight from House Tarth and Ser Loras Tyrell. They rush at each other. The knight from Tarth wins.
Crowd: BOOOOO!
Cat: Why is everyone booing that knight who won? Just who is that guy?
Colen: Hey, I’m back just in time to answer your question. Not a guy. That’s Lord Selwyn the Evenstar’s daughter, Brienne of Tarth. Everyone calls her “Brienne the Beauty.” But they do it ironically because she’s really fuckin' ugly.
Cat: That’s wrong on so many levels.
Renly: I declare Brienne of Tarth the winner of the tournament. HUZZAH! And, as every man knows, whenever a King officiates a tournament he magically gets the same powers as a genie from a lamp and can grant one wish. Brienne, tell me your wish.
The crowd starts shouting suggestions.
Elyas Willum: WISH FOR AN END TO THE WAR OF THE FIVE KINGS!
Lady Arywn Oakheart: WISH FOR WORLD PEACE!
Guyard Morrigen: WISH FOR AN END TO CANCER!
Brienne: I wish… I wish… to be named a member of your Rainbow Kingsguard!!!
Renly: Hrm. I was going to save this last rainbow cape I made to be given to Ser Barristan Selmy. He got fired by Joffrey, so I figured maybe he would turn up to serve me. His TRUE king. But since he never came here, I suppose I can give it to you.
Brienne takes of her helm and celebrates.
Cat: HOLY CRAP SHE IS UGLY. WOW. I MEAN… JEEZ! I’m trying to be an understanding person her… but… man, oh man. I know that judging a woman by her physical attractiveness only feeds into the patriarchy and promotes more sexism and abuse of women. But seriously. If this was Sparta, they would have thrown that baby off the cliff.
Colen: Oh yeah, and King Renly says that he’s ready to meet with you know, Lady Stark. But he can only pencil you in for a few minutes. Please come over.
And so they head over to Renly.
Colen: King Renly, may I introduce you to Lady Catelyn Stark, mother of Lord Robert Stark of Winterfell.
Cat: *ahem*… I think you mean KING Robert Stark.
Renly: OH SHIT. You’re going to correct him right in front of my face? You do realism that I am KING Renly, and I claim rule over all seven of the Seven Kingdoms? That means I don’t recognize your son’s claim. That’s a pretty damn passive-aggressive thing to do the first time you meet a person.
Cat: Actually, it was just aggressive-aggressive.
Renly: HAHAHA, I think I’m going to like you, Cat. I’m deeply sorry about what happened to your husband. He seemed like an okay dude. He really should have listened to me though. Anyway, once I take back Kings Landing, I promise to give you Cersei Lannister’s head as a gift.
Cat: Gross. What am I going to do with that, Renly?
Brienne: Do not address him as “Renly!” You shall kneel to your king and address him as “Your Grace.”
Renly: Hahaha, oh man. I’ve got to apologize for Brienne here. It’s her first day on the job as a Kingsguard. Her first minute, really. I guess you can tell she’s going to be that really anal employee who is a real stickler for the rules and is no fun to work with at all.
Cat: Whatever. I didn’t come her to talk about that. We need to talk business.
Renly: Indeed, indeed. So when is your son going to march on Harrenhal and take out fuckin' Tywin, huh?
Cat: How the hell would I know? Does it look like I’m sitting on his war council right now? No, it doesn’t. Besides, I don’t know if I can even trust you yet.
Renly: Fair enough. By the way, your boy is hot shit. Everyone is talking about him like he’s Captain Badass. I mean… taking Jamie Lannister as a prisoner? DAYUM! That’s sweet. Although personally I don’t know why you’re keeping him as a prisoner rather than just executing him like he deserves.
Lord Randyll Tarly: Your son should have come in person to pay homage to his king, rather than sending you, Lady Stark. A feeble woman.
Cat: Nobody likes you, Randyll. Shut up. My son is busy FIGHTING a war rather than having a lame tournament and pretending to battle. I hope you burn to death in a dragon’s fire.
Randyll: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, I PROMISE YOU! NEVER!
Renly: Oooh, burn! No… literally. Burn. You’re outmatched with this Cat Stark here, Randyll. But anyway, Cat, I am the king so I have a lot of important stuff to do. Let’s continue our discussions later. Please stay for tonight’s feast.
And so Cat stays for the evening and hangs out in Renly’s pavilion. She understands why the march of Renly’s army is so slow. This army is huge and is bringing all sorts of unnecessary stuff with them. It’s more of a traveling circus than an army readying for battle.
That evening at the feast, Cat is treated to singing and entertainment. She gets to sit near to King Renly and sees him interact with his wife, Margaery.
Cat: Oh, they look like they’re happy enough together. Or at least they’re pretending to be.
Robin: Odd that Renly is joking, laughing and paying more attention to Ser Loras Tyrell though, instead of Margaery Tyrell.
Cat: Hrm. They must be best bros or something.
Cat continues to watch the revelry. In her mind, she sees all these young people about to go to war. War will quickly age them, as it did to her generation when Robert’s Rebellion began. Winter is Coming. Winter comes for everyone.
Renly: Ah, Cat! There you are! Hope you’ve been having fun watching all this singing and juggling and bullshit.
Cat: Meh.
Renly: Come on, let’s go on a walk together. I wanna chat with you in private.
Brienne: Your Grace, please let me come with you to protect you.
Renly: WOW. So needy and attached. Do you really think Cat Stark came down here to stab me in the back or something? Fuck off and give me some space, Overly Attached Bodyguard.
Brienne mopes. Cat and Renly leave together. They begin to walk up the stairs to the castle.
Renly: Sooooo… Cat, Cat, Cat. Quick question. Ser Barristan Selmy hasn’t joined Robb up in Riverrun, has he?
Cat: Huh? Why? What are you talking about?
Renly: Oh. Never mind. You know, I offered your husband a hundred swords one day as my brother was dying… so we could take out Cersei in one fell swoop. He refused me. Look, I liked Ned well enough and he was my brother’s true friend. But he was stubborn. He got himself killed. If he had only listened to me--
Cat: --Is this supposed to make me feel better or worse?
Finally, they reach the roof of the castle and look out into the night sky. They have a great view of Renly’s HUGE camp and army.
Renly: Look at that. See? How many men does Robb have? 40,000 at most, I’d imagine. I’ve got TWICE THAT right here, plus another 10,000 soldiers loyal to Mace Tyrell sitting at Highgarden, and a strong garrison at Storm’s End. I also intend for the forces of Dorne to soon join my cause. They have no love for the Lannisters. In fact, just the opposite. And then there are the forces of my brother Stannis at Dragonstone. Hopefully they shall bend the knee to me soon.
Cat: You know, your brother Stannis is the older brother. Surely he has the better claim to the throne.
Renly: Better claim? Better CLAIM? Stannis is respected and feared. But is he loved? No. Would he make a good king? No. Does being born first mean that you deserve to rule if you’re otherwise incompetent? No. I mean how did my brother even get the throne? Was his claim better? Fuck no. Rhaegar Targaryen was the heir to the Iron Throne. So what did Robert do? He smashed Rhaegar Targaryen to death with a fucking war hammer. He TOOK the throne. In the end, he claimed that the fact that our paternal grandmother was Rhaelle Targaryen, the youngest daughter of King Aegon V, provided some sort of “blood connection” to justify his claim. But that is nonsense. I’m sure if you go through the genealogy tables you can find two dozen people with better or equal blood claims. Did any of those other people smash Rhaegar Targaryen in the chest with a hilariously giant hammer? Nah. And that’s why he became king. He seized the moment and took it. Just like Aegon did three hundred years ago.
Cat: I’m not going to lie, that’s a pretty accurate and convincing argument.
Renly: I have an offer for you, Lady Stark. Your son Robb can call himself “the King in the North.” He can call himself “the Pope”, or “Ziggy Stardust”, or whatever he wants to call himself. I do not care. So long as he bends the knee to me and recognizes me as his overlord.
Cat: And what if he doesn’t?
Renly: Haha. If he doesn’t? Look, I intend to be ruler of the SEVEN KINGDOMS. All seven. If that means I have to fight you too after I’m done with the Lannisters and my brother… then so be it. But I think it would be much wiser for your son to join me rather than fight me. I know you northerners have your pride. But Torrhen Stark bent the knee to Aegon. It was a wise decision that saved his people from slaughter. Join me and we can end this war in a manner of weeks.
As Cat begins to mull over a reply, suddenly a messenger runs up to the roof, shouting.
Messenger: KING RENLY! KING RENLY! URGENT NEWS! Storm’s End is under assault!
Renly: WHAT?! How did this happen? When did Lord Tywin leave Harrenhal? My scouts and spies said he was still there.
Messenger: Oh, it’s not the Lannisters who are assaulting Storm’s End, your grace. It is your brother, Stannis.
Cat: Dunn DUN DUNNNNNNNN!
Renly: No, stop. Don’t do that, Cat.
Then she wakes up and returns to reality.
Cat: Fuck
She then goes to have breakfast.
Shadd, her guardsman: I’m making some oats for breakfast, Lady Stark. Care to have some?
Wendel Manderly, Wyman’s son who is also fat: Oh yes, Cat! You have to try these oats. Especially with roast quail in it. SO GOOD.
Cat: Shut up, lardo. Oats and bread is enough for me. It’s like 7 in the morning. Stop being so fat and eating quail at 7 in the morning.
Wendel: *shame*
In addition to Ser Wendel and Shadd, Cat also rides south with Ser Perwym Frey, Lucas Blackwood (not to be confused with Lucas Black from Tokyo Drift), and Robin Flint.
Perwyn Frey: Oh man. I love all of you. You’re all the best! I hope we traveling companions can be best friends forever. Cat. Wendel, Lucas, Robin. All of you. I hope that one day all four of you, and many more, can be invited back to the Twins for a great, big wedding ceremony.
Cat: Aww, that’s so sweet, Perwyn. Thanks.
Wendel: Yes, I would not miss this wedding for the world!
Lucas: Indeed. Even though I don’t know who this wedding is for yet, I’m already going to RSVP for it.
Robin: I will be there too. That’s a promise.
Perwyn: GREAT!
And so with that settled, they all continue on their way to treat with King Renly. In this sense, “treat” is an old fashioned word that means something between “negotiate” and “meet.” It does not mean that they will give Renly treats. This is not Halloween. There is no such thing as Halloween in Westeros. Although it is indeed Fall Harvest time. So if there were one, it would be about now.
Cat recalls all the crazy actions that brought her this way, including her son manipulating her into going by saying he’d send Greatjon Umber in her place if she didn’t. But the Greatjon has the same diplomatic suaveness as Donald Trump, so Cat refused and said she’d go instead. She should have known that Robb was just bluffing about the Greatjon, but it got her to go anyway. She’s proud of her son being smart enough to manipulate her like that. He might truly be a great king one day. Surely he won’t make any stupid life decisions without her while she’s away. Surely.
Before she left to on the trip, she wrote to Bran and Rickon, and met with her father Hoster one last time. But her dad was so far gone he didn’t even recognize her and thought that she was his dead wife. Sad.
Suddenly, the party traveling south is surrounded by twenty men, led by this dude:
Ser Colen: HALT! I am Ser Colon of Greenpools! Who goes there?
Cat: Wow, your name is Colon?
Colen: NO! COLEN! With an E!
Cat: I’m Cat Stark. These are other people.
Colen: Oh, cool. I welcome you on behalf of King Renly. I’ve been ordered to escort you to his Majesty.
And Ser Colen escorts them into Renly’s camps. As they pass through, Cat can’t help but realize how big the camps are. The forces backing Renly are clearly much bigger than Robb’s own rag-tag armies of the North. There are thousands of campfires, siege engines, tents, roads, and pavilions.
As they ride through, they notice a tournament going on by a small castle. Or perhaps its just a chalk quarry in an overflow parking lot.
Colen: Wait here and watch this tournament while I go tell King Renly that you have arrived. I mean, surely there will be some character in this tournament who is important enough to become a main character with POV chapters in the future.
"Red Ronnet" Connington: Boy, I hope it’s me! You know, my dad’s cousin was Jon Connington who used to be Hand of the King to Prince Aerys II and was a good friend of Rhaegar. I’m sure that makes me a key character in these stories!
It won’t. Red Connet’s most notable contribution will be to be punched in the face by Jaime.
Red Ronnet: Awwww, damnit!
Red Ronnet is then knocked off his horse by some knight in the armor of House Tarth.
Cat: Oh wow, that Tarth knight seems really good. Super strong and masculine. But this whole tournament thing is stupid. Renly is in the middle of a REAL WAR and yet he’s playing at war with this tourney stuff. He should focus on the REAL threat.
Starscream: The Autobot moon base!
Cat: What? NO! Get outta here, Starscream!!!
Starscream transforms into a McDonnell Douglas F-15 Eagle and flies away.
In the crowd, Cat looks around at the nobles watching the tourney. After seeing people like Randyll “Sam’s not so loving father” Tarley, she also spots King Renly and his young wife, who must be this “Margaery Tyrell” person that everyone is talking about.
Cat: Geez, he looks just like Robert when he was young and thin. It’s amazing.
Finally the jousting tournament nears its end – with only two competitors remaining. The knight from House Tarth and Ser Loras Tyrell. They rush at each other. The knight from Tarth wins.
Crowd: BOOOOO!
Cat: Why is everyone booing that knight who won? Just who is that guy?
Colen: Hey, I’m back just in time to answer your question. Not a guy. That’s Lord Selwyn the Evenstar’s daughter, Brienne of Tarth. Everyone calls her “Brienne the Beauty.” But they do it ironically because she’s really fuckin' ugly.
Cat: That’s wrong on so many levels.
Renly: I declare Brienne of Tarth the winner of the tournament. HUZZAH! And, as every man knows, whenever a King officiates a tournament he magically gets the same powers as a genie from a lamp and can grant one wish. Brienne, tell me your wish.
The crowd starts shouting suggestions.
Elyas Willum: WISH FOR AN END TO THE WAR OF THE FIVE KINGS!
Lady Arywn Oakheart: WISH FOR WORLD PEACE!
Guyard Morrigen: WISH FOR AN END TO CANCER!
Brienne: I wish… I wish… to be named a member of your Rainbow Kingsguard!!!
Renly: Hrm. I was going to save this last rainbow cape I made to be given to Ser Barristan Selmy. He got fired by Joffrey, so I figured maybe he would turn up to serve me. His TRUE king. But since he never came here, I suppose I can give it to you.
Brienne takes of her helm and celebrates.
Cat: HOLY CRAP SHE IS UGLY. WOW. I MEAN… JEEZ! I’m trying to be an understanding person her… but… man, oh man. I know that judging a woman by her physical attractiveness only feeds into the patriarchy and promotes more sexism and abuse of women. But seriously. If this was Sparta, they would have thrown that baby off the cliff.
Colen: Oh yeah, and King Renly says that he’s ready to meet with you know, Lady Stark. But he can only pencil you in for a few minutes. Please come over.
And so they head over to Renly.
Colen: King Renly, may I introduce you to Lady Catelyn Stark, mother of Lord Robert Stark of Winterfell.
Cat: *ahem*… I think you mean KING Robert Stark.
Renly: OH SHIT. You’re going to correct him right in front of my face? You do realism that I am KING Renly, and I claim rule over all seven of the Seven Kingdoms? That means I don’t recognize your son’s claim. That’s a pretty damn passive-aggressive thing to do the first time you meet a person.
Cat: Actually, it was just aggressive-aggressive.
Renly: HAHAHA, I think I’m going to like you, Cat. I’m deeply sorry about what happened to your husband. He seemed like an okay dude. He really should have listened to me though. Anyway, once I take back Kings Landing, I promise to give you Cersei Lannister’s head as a gift.
Cat: Gross. What am I going to do with that, Renly?
Brienne: Do not address him as “Renly!” You shall kneel to your king and address him as “Your Grace.”
Renly: Hahaha, oh man. I’ve got to apologize for Brienne here. It’s her first day on the job as a Kingsguard. Her first minute, really. I guess you can tell she’s going to be that really anal employee who is a real stickler for the rules and is no fun to work with at all.
Cat: Whatever. I didn’t come her to talk about that. We need to talk business.
Renly: Indeed, indeed. So when is your son going to march on Harrenhal and take out fuckin' Tywin, huh?
Cat: How the hell would I know? Does it look like I’m sitting on his war council right now? No, it doesn’t. Besides, I don’t know if I can even trust you yet.
Renly: Fair enough. By the way, your boy is hot shit. Everyone is talking about him like he’s Captain Badass. I mean… taking Jamie Lannister as a prisoner? DAYUM! That’s sweet. Although personally I don’t know why you’re keeping him as a prisoner rather than just executing him like he deserves.
Lord Randyll Tarly: Your son should have come in person to pay homage to his king, rather than sending you, Lady Stark. A feeble woman.
Cat: Nobody likes you, Randyll. Shut up. My son is busy FIGHTING a war rather than having a lame tournament and pretending to battle. I hope you burn to death in a dragon’s fire.
Randyll: THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN, I PROMISE YOU! NEVER!
Renly: Oooh, burn! No… literally. Burn. You’re outmatched with this Cat Stark here, Randyll. But anyway, Cat, I am the king so I have a lot of important stuff to do. Let’s continue our discussions later. Please stay for tonight’s feast.
And so Cat stays for the evening and hangs out in Renly’s pavilion. She understands why the march of Renly’s army is so slow. This army is huge and is bringing all sorts of unnecessary stuff with them. It’s more of a traveling circus than an army readying for battle.
That evening at the feast, Cat is treated to singing and entertainment. She gets to sit near to King Renly and sees him interact with his wife, Margaery.
Cat: Oh, they look like they’re happy enough together. Or at least they’re pretending to be.
Robin: Odd that Renly is joking, laughing and paying more attention to Ser Loras Tyrell though, instead of Margaery Tyrell.
Cat: Hrm. They must be best bros or something.
Cat continues to watch the revelry. In her mind, she sees all these young people about to go to war. War will quickly age them, as it did to her generation when Robert’s Rebellion began. Winter is Coming. Winter comes for everyone.
Renly: Ah, Cat! There you are! Hope you’ve been having fun watching all this singing and juggling and bullshit.
Cat: Meh.
Renly: Come on, let’s go on a walk together. I wanna chat with you in private.
Brienne: Your Grace, please let me come with you to protect you.
Renly: WOW. So needy and attached. Do you really think Cat Stark came down here to stab me in the back or something? Fuck off and give me some space, Overly Attached Bodyguard.
Brienne mopes. Cat and Renly leave together. They begin to walk up the stairs to the castle.
Renly: Sooooo… Cat, Cat, Cat. Quick question. Ser Barristan Selmy hasn’t joined Robb up in Riverrun, has he?
Cat: Huh? Why? What are you talking about?
Renly: Oh. Never mind. You know, I offered your husband a hundred swords one day as my brother was dying… so we could take out Cersei in one fell swoop. He refused me. Look, I liked Ned well enough and he was my brother’s true friend. But he was stubborn. He got himself killed. If he had only listened to me--
Cat: --Is this supposed to make me feel better or worse?
Finally, they reach the roof of the castle and look out into the night sky. They have a great view of Renly’s HUGE camp and army.
Renly: Look at that. See? How many men does Robb have? 40,000 at most, I’d imagine. I’ve got TWICE THAT right here, plus another 10,000 soldiers loyal to Mace Tyrell sitting at Highgarden, and a strong garrison at Storm’s End. I also intend for the forces of Dorne to soon join my cause. They have no love for the Lannisters. In fact, just the opposite. And then there are the forces of my brother Stannis at Dragonstone. Hopefully they shall bend the knee to me soon.
Cat: You know, your brother Stannis is the older brother. Surely he has the better claim to the throne.
Renly: Better claim? Better CLAIM? Stannis is respected and feared. But is he loved? No. Would he make a good king? No. Does being born first mean that you deserve to rule if you’re otherwise incompetent? No. I mean how did my brother even get the throne? Was his claim better? Fuck no. Rhaegar Targaryen was the heir to the Iron Throne. So what did Robert do? He smashed Rhaegar Targaryen to death with a fucking war hammer. He TOOK the throne. In the end, he claimed that the fact that our paternal grandmother was Rhaelle Targaryen, the youngest daughter of King Aegon V, provided some sort of “blood connection” to justify his claim. But that is nonsense. I’m sure if you go through the genealogy tables you can find two dozen people with better or equal blood claims. Did any of those other people smash Rhaegar Targaryen in the chest with a hilariously giant hammer? Nah. And that’s why he became king. He seized the moment and took it. Just like Aegon did three hundred years ago.
Cat: I’m not going to lie, that’s a pretty accurate and convincing argument.
Renly: I have an offer for you, Lady Stark. Your son Robb can call himself “the King in the North.” He can call himself “the Pope”, or “Ziggy Stardust”, or whatever he wants to call himself. I do not care. So long as he bends the knee to me and recognizes me as his overlord.
Cat: And what if he doesn’t?
Renly: Haha. If he doesn’t? Look, I intend to be ruler of the SEVEN KINGDOMS. All seven. If that means I have to fight you too after I’m done with the Lannisters and my brother… then so be it. But I think it would be much wiser for your son to join me rather than fight me. I know you northerners have your pride. But Torrhen Stark bent the knee to Aegon. It was a wise decision that saved his people from slaughter. Join me and we can end this war in a manner of weeks.
As Cat begins to mull over a reply, suddenly a messenger runs up to the roof, shouting.
Messenger: KING RENLY! KING RENLY! URGENT NEWS! Storm’s End is under assault!
Renly: WHAT?! How did this happen? When did Lord Tywin leave Harrenhal? My scouts and spies said he was still there.
Messenger: Oh, it’s not the Lannisters who are assaulting Storm’s End, your grace. It is your brother, Stannis.
Cat: Dunn DUN DUNNNNNNNN!
Renly: No, stop. Don’t do that, Cat.
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