Tyrion meets with Grand Maester Pycelle at breakfast time.
Tyrion: Oh, hey Pycelle. I've got some secret letters here for you to send off to Prince Doran Martell.
Pycelle: Ah, I better do that RIGHT AWAY! With Renly's army on the march, the fate of the kingdom is more important.
Tyrion: And whatever you do, make sure to NOT open this secret letter and report its content back to Cersei. Okay?
Pycelle: I promise!
Pycelle takes the letter and walks away. As Pycelle is gone, Tyrion eats breakfast and thinks about dumb shit like the meaning behind the different chain links in Pycelle's Maester chain. He also takes the time to look at Pycelle's cabinet of potions, which include poisons. Very interesting "coincidence," considering that Jon Arryn was poisoned.
Eventually, Pycelle hobbles back to breakfast.
Pycelle: The ravens are sent, Lord Tyrion.
Tyrion: Excellent. Anyway... ONE!
Tyrion gets up and walks away.
Pycelle: One? ONE? What the hell does that mean? Is he talking about the Metallica song?
The Hand of the King then meets up with Bronn.
Bronn: Hey Tyrion, I got a bunch of people who want to meet you to discuss Hand of the King shit. Lady Tanda Stokeworth wants to have dinner with you.
Tyrion: Oh great, she probably wants me to marry her fat daughter, Lollys. No thanks. Who else?
Bronn: There is a banker from Braavos who wants to meet with you about repaying a loan to the Iron Bank.
Tyrion: Is this particular banker played by acclaimed actor, comedian, screenwriter and novelist Mark Gatiss?
Bronn: I'm unsure, Tycho Nestoris isn't formally introduced until A Dance with Dragons. I mean it's possible this could be the same guy.
Tyrion: Send him to Littlefinger, I don't deal with that money stuff. Next issue, please.
Bronn: Some River lord is here, asking for reparations for all his lands that the Lannister armies burned down.
Tyrion: Hrm. Bold that he'd show up here. Although the fact that he has showed up at all indicates that he's willing to be loyal to the crown rather than to the Starks. A river lord on our side is a good thing. Make sure he gets a good waterview room on a high floor at the Westin Kings Landing and tell him I'll have time to meet tomorrow. NEXT!
Bronn: A number of food merchants are here, complaining that mobs have been stealing from them. They want protection.
Tyrion: That's an issue for the gold cloaks to deal with.
Bronn: The food merchants say that the gold cloaks were part of the mobs stealing from them. The merchants demand to see the king.
Tyrion: Ah. Well then they are stupider than I thought. Joffrey will probably have them whipped for complaining. Is there anything else you have for me, Bronn?
Bronn: Yes, some dude from the Night's Watch showed up with a rotten hand. His name is Alliser Thorne.
Tyrion: I met him when I was up on the wall. I hated that guy. Ugh. Whatever, pencil him onto my calendar for a few days from now.
Bronn: And put him up in the Westin Kings Landing as well?
Tyrion: Absolutely not. EconoLodge. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the Tower of the Hand.
But on the way to his tower, he runs into his dear sister, Cersei.
Tyrion: Dafuq you doing out here by the main gate? I didn't think you EVER left the Red Keep.
Cersei: I'm checking the defenses of this city, since Renly's army is gathering in the Stormlands. He could be here by the next full moon! Someone has got to check on stuff like this, since you're doing NOTHING.
Tyrion: Whatever bitch. And no way Renly will be here that fast. Haven't you been paying attention to his pace? He stops at every single castle on the road to feast and have tournaments. He's not planning to go to war any time soon.
Cersei: He has 100,000 men!
Tyrion: Yeah, I'm sure that number is inflated like Trump's inauguration crowd.
Cersei: THEY'RE GOING TO ATTACK US! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!
Tyrion: Geez you're paranoid. Look, Renly has a bunch of other problems to worry about beyond King's Landing. There is Stannis. There are the Lannister armies. There are the Starks. I say we take the same strategy that Renly is taking. Watch and wait to see how things develop. If Robb defeats our father, the south will fall into Renly's hands and there is nothing we can really do about it. But if father defeats Robb, Renly will probably lead an attack the weakened Lannister armies.
Cersei: NO! Daddy needs to bring his army here to protect us! Order him to do so!
Tyrion: Nah. He'd just ignore any orders.
Cersei: UGH. You're so useless. I wish Cat Stark still had you in her custody rather than Jaime. Jaime is worth a hundred yous!
Tyrion: Well, you better get working on that cloning machine to make 99 more of me, if you want to trade 100 mes to Cat for Jaime.
Cersei stares angrily and storms off. Tyrion continues to his apartments, only to find goddamn Littlefinger waiting for him there.
Tyrion: Damnit, Baelish. What are you doing here?
Littlefinger: Just staring out your window and watching King Joffrey. He's out there in the bailey. Someone got him some new pet rabbits, so he's using a crossbow on them to kill them all. Or at least he's trying to. He sucks though. Hard. The rabbits are totally winning this battle.
Tyrion: Okay. I can see you're staring outside my window, dipshit. I specifically mean why are you in my apartment?
Littlefinger: Does it matter? I generally just show up to places to move plots forward with snippy, sinister dialogue.
Tyrion: Well, you might as well stay and make yourself comfortable. Have a drink.
Littlefinger: No thanks. I know what happens when people drink with you like Janos Slynt. They get chained up and shipped to the Wall.
Tyrion: Oh, and nice outfit by the way. I notice that you have a Valyrian steel dagger.
Littlefinger: Erm... uhh... yes. It... is... umm... here, you can have it. It's yours.
Tyrion: Is it? I thought it was ALREADY MINE?
Littlefinger: ...
Tyrion: ...
Littlefinger: ...
Tyrion: Anyway, I have a question for you. How close are you to those Tully girls, Cat and Lysa?
Littlefinger: Oh, I popped both their cherries when we were teenagers. I am a playa.
Tyrion: Fuckin' liar. Anyway, I mean to make them an offer. But if the offer comes from me they likely won't accept it. If it comes from you, they just might trust it more.
Littlefinger: Ah, and what is this offer?
Tyrion: Why, I'd be willing to give them Jon Arryn's REAL KILLER in ret--
Littlefinger: --What? Me?
Tyrion: Huh?
Littlefinger: What?
Tyrion: You just said it was you.
Littlefinger: No I didn't.
Tyrion: Yes you did.
Littlefinger: Huh?
Tyrion: Anyway, let me continue. I'll give them Jon Arryn's real killer in return for peace. Lysa should side with Joffrey and call him the true king. And as a bonus to side with us, I'll also have the Vale mountain clans back off their attacks, name her son the Warden of the East, and marry her son to Princess Myrcella.
Littlefinger: Interesting offer. But who exactly is this killer you speak of?
Tyrion: Oh, that's not part of the message to Lysa. She only gets to know AFTER she makes peace.
Littlefinger: Well, you can tell me at least.
Tyrion: Nah.
Littlefinger: And what does Queen Cersei think of this plan?
Tyrion: I haven't told her shit. I want you to send a raven to Lysa, proposing these things. And whatever you do, make sure to NOT to report the content back to Cersei. Okay?
Littlefinger: Of course. And do I get any reward for my part in this plot?
Tyrion: Sure. Whatever. I'll give you Harrenhal or something. Slynt doesn't need it anymore. Also, TWO!
Littlefinger: Huh? Two? What does that mean, Tyrion? Who are you talking to? Was that a Shakespearean aside to the audience?
Tyrion then leaves and goes to his bedchamber to await Varys. Which is a pretty disturbing sentence when phrased that way. Varys comes sooner than Tyrion thought. Which is ALSO a pretty disturbing sentence when phrased that way.
Galt: Lord Hand, Varys has arrived.
Tyrion: Galt? Who is Galt?
Galt: Well, technically my full name is "John Galt," and as to the question of who I am, I am a libertarian philosopher and inventor. I believe in the power and glory of the human mind, and the right of the individual to use their mind solely for themselves. I believe society has been twisted by oppressive bureaucratic functionaries in order to promote a culture that embraces mediocrity in the name of "egalitarianism" and "liberalism." I think tha--
Tyrion then orders Macho Man Randy Savage to kill Galt with an atomic elbow drop. Galt will never be seen again.
Varys: Tyrion, it's a pleasure! Why did you wish to see me?
Tyrion: You know why. Your little birds seem to know everything going on around here.
Varys: Ah, true. I have heard that you gave a letter to Maester Pycelle and wouldn't let him open it up and see the content. How wicked of you to taunt him with a secret like that!
Tyrion: Hey, speaking of secrets... I've got one for you.
Varys: Is it that thing about Dorne? Because my birds have told me about that already. But then again, it's pretty obvious. We need Dorne on our side so they do not join another faction.
Tyrion: Yes, I plan to offer Tommen to Prince Doran in a marriage alliance. Tommen can marry that Arianne girl of his.
Varys: Hrm, but my birds tell me that you already offered Myrcella to Lysa Arryn. Surely Cersei would never agree to BOTH Tommen and Myrcella being sent away?
Tyrion: What Cersei doesn't know won't hurt her. Am I right? I want you to send a raven to Prince Doran, proposing these things. And whatever you do, make sure to NOT to report the content back to Cersei. Okay?
Varys: Of course, Lord Hand.
Tyrion: THREE!
Varys: Huh? Three? What are you talking about?
Tyrion: Oh, hey Pycelle. I've got some secret letters here for you to send off to Prince Doran Martell.
Pycelle: Ah, I better do that RIGHT AWAY! With Renly's army on the march, the fate of the kingdom is more important.
Tyrion: And whatever you do, make sure to NOT open this secret letter and report its content back to Cersei. Okay?
Pycelle: I promise!
Pycelle takes the letter and walks away. As Pycelle is gone, Tyrion eats breakfast and thinks about dumb shit like the meaning behind the different chain links in Pycelle's Maester chain. He also takes the time to look at Pycelle's cabinet of potions, which include poisons. Very interesting "coincidence," considering that Jon Arryn was poisoned.
Eventually, Pycelle hobbles back to breakfast.
Pycelle: The ravens are sent, Lord Tyrion.
Tyrion: Excellent. Anyway... ONE!
Tyrion gets up and walks away.
Pycelle: One? ONE? What the hell does that mean? Is he talking about the Metallica song?
The Hand of the King then meets up with Bronn.
Bronn: Hey Tyrion, I got a bunch of people who want to meet you to discuss Hand of the King shit. Lady Tanda Stokeworth wants to have dinner with you.
Tyrion: Oh great, she probably wants me to marry her fat daughter, Lollys. No thanks. Who else?
Bronn: There is a banker from Braavos who wants to meet with you about repaying a loan to the Iron Bank.
Tyrion: Is this particular banker played by acclaimed actor, comedian, screenwriter and novelist Mark Gatiss?
Bronn: I'm unsure, Tycho Nestoris isn't formally introduced until A Dance with Dragons. I mean it's possible this could be the same guy.
Tyrion: Send him to Littlefinger, I don't deal with that money stuff. Next issue, please.
Bronn: Some River lord is here, asking for reparations for all his lands that the Lannister armies burned down.
Tyrion: Hrm. Bold that he'd show up here. Although the fact that he has showed up at all indicates that he's willing to be loyal to the crown rather than to the Starks. A river lord on our side is a good thing. Make sure he gets a good waterview room on a high floor at the Westin Kings Landing and tell him I'll have time to meet tomorrow. NEXT!
Bronn: A number of food merchants are here, complaining that mobs have been stealing from them. They want protection.
Tyrion: That's an issue for the gold cloaks to deal with.
Bronn: The food merchants say that the gold cloaks were part of the mobs stealing from them. The merchants demand to see the king.
Tyrion: Ah. Well then they are stupider than I thought. Joffrey will probably have them whipped for complaining. Is there anything else you have for me, Bronn?
Bronn: Yes, some dude from the Night's Watch showed up with a rotten hand. His name is Alliser Thorne.
Tyrion: I met him when I was up on the wall. I hated that guy. Ugh. Whatever, pencil him onto my calendar for a few days from now.
Bronn: And put him up in the Westin Kings Landing as well?
Tyrion: Absolutely not. EconoLodge. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to the Tower of the Hand.
But on the way to his tower, he runs into his dear sister, Cersei.
Tyrion: Dafuq you doing out here by the main gate? I didn't think you EVER left the Red Keep.
Cersei: I'm checking the defenses of this city, since Renly's army is gathering in the Stormlands. He could be here by the next full moon! Someone has got to check on stuff like this, since you're doing NOTHING.
Tyrion: Whatever bitch. And no way Renly will be here that fast. Haven't you been paying attention to his pace? He stops at every single castle on the road to feast and have tournaments. He's not planning to go to war any time soon.
Cersei: He has 100,000 men!
Tyrion: Yeah, I'm sure that number is inflated like Trump's inauguration crowd.
Cersei: THEY'RE GOING TO ATTACK US! CAN'T YOU SEE THAT?!
Tyrion: Geez you're paranoid. Look, Renly has a bunch of other problems to worry about beyond King's Landing. There is Stannis. There are the Lannister armies. There are the Starks. I say we take the same strategy that Renly is taking. Watch and wait to see how things develop. If Robb defeats our father, the south will fall into Renly's hands and there is nothing we can really do about it. But if father defeats Robb, Renly will probably lead an attack the weakened Lannister armies.
Cersei: NO! Daddy needs to bring his army here to protect us! Order him to do so!
Tyrion: Nah. He'd just ignore any orders.
Cersei: UGH. You're so useless. I wish Cat Stark still had you in her custody rather than Jaime. Jaime is worth a hundred yous!
Tyrion: Well, you better get working on that cloning machine to make 99 more of me, if you want to trade 100 mes to Cat for Jaime.
Cersei stares angrily and storms off. Tyrion continues to his apartments, only to find goddamn Littlefinger waiting for him there.
Tyrion: Damnit, Baelish. What are you doing here?
Littlefinger: Just staring out your window and watching King Joffrey. He's out there in the bailey. Someone got him some new pet rabbits, so he's using a crossbow on them to kill them all. Or at least he's trying to. He sucks though. Hard. The rabbits are totally winning this battle.
Tyrion: Okay. I can see you're staring outside my window, dipshit. I specifically mean why are you in my apartment?
Littlefinger: Does it matter? I generally just show up to places to move plots forward with snippy, sinister dialogue.
Tyrion: Well, you might as well stay and make yourself comfortable. Have a drink.
Littlefinger: No thanks. I know what happens when people drink with you like Janos Slynt. They get chained up and shipped to the Wall.
Tyrion: Oh, and nice outfit by the way. I notice that you have a Valyrian steel dagger.
Littlefinger: Erm... uhh... yes. It... is... umm... here, you can have it. It's yours.
Tyrion: Is it? I thought it was ALREADY MINE?
Littlefinger: ...
Tyrion: ...
Littlefinger: ...
Tyrion: Anyway, I have a question for you. How close are you to those Tully girls, Cat and Lysa?
Littlefinger: Oh, I popped both their cherries when we were teenagers. I am a playa.
Tyrion: Fuckin' liar. Anyway, I mean to make them an offer. But if the offer comes from me they likely won't accept it. If it comes from you, they just might trust it more.
Littlefinger: Ah, and what is this offer?
Tyrion: Why, I'd be willing to give them Jon Arryn's REAL KILLER in ret--
Littlefinger: --What? Me?
Tyrion: Huh?
Littlefinger: What?
Tyrion: You just said it was you.
Littlefinger: No I didn't.
Tyrion: Yes you did.
Littlefinger: Huh?
Tyrion: Anyway, let me continue. I'll give them Jon Arryn's real killer in return for peace. Lysa should side with Joffrey and call him the true king. And as a bonus to side with us, I'll also have the Vale mountain clans back off their attacks, name her son the Warden of the East, and marry her son to Princess Myrcella.
Littlefinger: Interesting offer. But who exactly is this killer you speak of?
Tyrion: Oh, that's not part of the message to Lysa. She only gets to know AFTER she makes peace.
Littlefinger: Well, you can tell me at least.
Tyrion: Nah.
Littlefinger: And what does Queen Cersei think of this plan?
Tyrion: I haven't told her shit. I want you to send a raven to Lysa, proposing these things. And whatever you do, make sure to NOT to report the content back to Cersei. Okay?
Littlefinger: Of course. And do I get any reward for my part in this plot?
Tyrion: Sure. Whatever. I'll give you Harrenhal or something. Slynt doesn't need it anymore. Also, TWO!
Littlefinger: Huh? Two? What does that mean, Tyrion? Who are you talking to? Was that a Shakespearean aside to the audience?
Tyrion then leaves and goes to his bedchamber to await Varys. Which is a pretty disturbing sentence when phrased that way. Varys comes sooner than Tyrion thought. Which is ALSO a pretty disturbing sentence when phrased that way.
Galt: Lord Hand, Varys has arrived.
Tyrion: Galt? Who is Galt?
Galt: Well, technically my full name is "John Galt," and as to the question of who I am, I am a libertarian philosopher and inventor. I believe in the power and glory of the human mind, and the right of the individual to use their mind solely for themselves. I believe society has been twisted by oppressive bureaucratic functionaries in order to promote a culture that embraces mediocrity in the name of "egalitarianism" and "liberalism." I think tha--
Tyrion then orders Macho Man Randy Savage to kill Galt with an atomic elbow drop. Galt will never be seen again.
Varys: Tyrion, it's a pleasure! Why did you wish to see me?
Tyrion: You know why. Your little birds seem to know everything going on around here.
Varys: Ah, true. I have heard that you gave a letter to Maester Pycelle and wouldn't let him open it up and see the content. How wicked of you to taunt him with a secret like that!
Tyrion: Hey, speaking of secrets... I've got one for you.
Varys: Is it that thing about Dorne? Because my birds have told me about that already. But then again, it's pretty obvious. We need Dorne on our side so they do not join another faction.
Tyrion: Yes, I plan to offer Tommen to Prince Doran in a marriage alliance. Tommen can marry that Arianne girl of his.
Varys: Hrm, but my birds tell me that you already offered Myrcella to Lysa Arryn. Surely Cersei would never agree to BOTH Tommen and Myrcella being sent away?
Tyrion: What Cersei doesn't know won't hurt her. Am I right? I want you to send a raven to Prince Doran, proposing these things. And whatever you do, make sure to NOT to report the content back to Cersei. Okay?
Varys: Of course, Lord Hand.
Tyrion: THREE!
Varys: Huh? Three? What are you talking about?
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