The team of 200 members of the Night's Watch (they haven't met up with Qhorin Halfhand's additional 100 men yet) make their way north as part of the great ranging. They come to the town of Whitetree.
Jon: Oh wow, that is the biggest, whitest tree I have ever seen.
Ghost: *bark* [Translation: No shit, Sherlock. How do you think this place got its name?]
Lord Commander Mormont: Yes, it's a very old tree.
Jon: And powerful!
Eddison Tollett: Huh? Oh right, you crazy northerners worship tree gods. That's right.
Jon: Who the hell are you?
Eddison: Just call me Dolorous Edd. New character, but like with Thoren, pretend I was here the whole time.
Thoren Smallwood: I can see why the First Men were freaked out by all these trees and cut them down when they first came to Westeros ages ago.
Jon: My father used to tell me that you're unable to tell a lie in front of a tree like this.
Mormont: No, that's Wonder Woman's lasso you're thinking of.
Jon: Oh shit! Look inside the mouth on the tree's face! There are human bones in here!
Jon pulls a skull out. It's covered in ash.
Mormont: Yes, the Wildlings burn their dead. If there were any left around, I would ask them why.
Jon: That's a pretty dumb statement, Lord Commander. I think by now everyone has figured out because if they don't then their dead will rise again as the Others, aka White Walkers.
They then investigate an abandoned Wildling house.
Jon: What a shithole for stupid, poor people.
Edd: Thanks, this house is exactly the type of house I crew up in.
Jon: Errrrm... sorry?
After a thorough search through Whitetree, they find no signs of remaining life. This is the fourth straight Wildling town that is totally abandoned.
From the woods then emerges Chett and his hounds. He used to be Aemon's servant but now he works the kennel. He's not a fan of Jon Snow though, as he blames Jon for being the mastermind behind Sam taking his job. He's totally right.
Chett: YEE-HAW! My good ol' hound here, Ol' Velvet Ears, don't smell no sign of no Wildlings, nor does it smell Boss Hogg! We can probably use this old hut as a good place to store our moonshine!
Thoren: I passed by this way a year ago, and there were Wildlings then.
Mallador Locke: Mo' Wildlings = mo' problems. No Wildings = no problems. I'm okay with this.
Jon: Hey! Are you supposed to be the same character as Locke from the TV show?
Mallador Locke: I think they borrow the name and use it for a Night's Watch character, but other than that we're completely different. Don't get used to me, I'm not important.
Bedwyck, a big dude who everyone calls "giant," then comes down from his lookout in the tree.
Bedwyck the Giant: There is a lake up that way. We can probably make it there by nightfall.
Mormont: Okay, let's be on our way then and we'll camp by the lake. Snow, find that idiot boy Sam and tell him to send this message I wrote to Aemon back to Castle Black.
And so they head out north to the lake. As Jon rides his horse around looking for Sam, he feels the pain in his burnt hand and thinks about how depressing things have become since heading beyond the wall. At first morale was high, but as the days went on they found no life and only coldess. It's pretty damn grim. When they do find Wildlings... hopefully his hand will be healed enough so that he can use his sword.
Jon finds Sam giving water to the horses that are carrying the cages of ravens.
Jon: Ah, there your fat ass is.
Raven: Corn?
Jon: Sam, I thought you were teaching these guys how to speak. And yet all they ever say is "corn."
Sam: Oh, I am teaching them. They know other words too. Hey RAVEN! RAVEN! Who is the biggest asshole, mopey, brooding douche in the entire Night's Watch?
Raven: Snow!
Jon: Hahahaha, fuck you Sam.
Sam: So how were things back in Whitetree, Jon? I didn't get a chance to go into the town.
Jon: There was nothing there. Totally abandoned. Oh, and Mormont has a message for you to send to Aemon. Here you go.
Sam: I wish the raven could fly me back along with the message.
Jon: Oh, that would have to be one huge-ass raven. Like the eagle from The Return of the King. Probably even bigger. Because you're a much fatter Sam sidekick than the LoTR Sam sidekick.
Raven: Haha, good one, Snow! Also... corn.
Jon: I don't see why you're so afraid anyway. You're not going to be attacked by Wildlings. There are no Wildlings left it seems.
Sam: Yeah, I guess I'm getting a little less scared and am-AGHHHH! WHAT'S THAT?!
Jon: Your shadow.
Sam: Oh, right. Well, anyway. Back to working on my maps again. This ride allows me to make new, updated maps.
Jon: Fine. We'll just call it a scene and I'll move on.
Jon rides off again, and this time Ghost returns to his side after some time away hunting in the woods. He loves killing things, but has been having just as hard a time as the Rangers.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Even the animals are gone from here. My thurst to murder rabbits and squirrels goes unquenched. I wish to taste their warm blood in my mouth. If I do not find food soon, I will begin to turn on the brothers in the Nights Watch and start eating them].
Jon: Oh, Ghost! Your woofs are so adorable. I wish I could understand what you were saying.
Jon eventually catches up with Mormont.
Jon: Hey, I gave Sam that letter and he sent it off. He's teaching the ravens to talk too.
Mormont: Well, that's a bad idea. They're annoying enough already. The only way this trip could get worse is if the ravens around us all start telling shitty yo' mamma jokes.
Jon: All these abandoned villages. I wonder what Benjen would have thought about them.
Mormont: Maybe this is exactly what he saw when he went out riding. He wanted to ride north and investigate why they left and where the Wildlings got to. And so we will do the same! We'll find them. And they'll be no trouble to us once Halfhand's additional men join us.
Jon: Oh yeah, we'll find those Wildlings. Unless THE OTHERS find us first!
Mormont: Stop being dramatic, princess.
Jon: Oh wow, that is the biggest, whitest tree I have ever seen.
Ghost: *bark* [Translation: No shit, Sherlock. How do you think this place got its name?]
Lord Commander Mormont: Yes, it's a very old tree.
Jon: And powerful!
Eddison Tollett: Huh? Oh right, you crazy northerners worship tree gods. That's right.
Jon: Who the hell are you?
Eddison: Just call me Dolorous Edd. New character, but like with Thoren, pretend I was here the whole time.
Thoren Smallwood: I can see why the First Men were freaked out by all these trees and cut them down when they first came to Westeros ages ago.
Jon: My father used to tell me that you're unable to tell a lie in front of a tree like this.
Mormont: No, that's Wonder Woman's lasso you're thinking of.
Jon: Oh shit! Look inside the mouth on the tree's face! There are human bones in here!
Jon pulls a skull out. It's covered in ash.
Mormont: Yes, the Wildlings burn their dead. If there were any left around, I would ask them why.
Jon: That's a pretty dumb statement, Lord Commander. I think by now everyone has figured out because if they don't then their dead will rise again as the Others, aka White Walkers.
They then investigate an abandoned Wildling house.
Jon: What a shithole for stupid, poor people.
Edd: Thanks, this house is exactly the type of house I crew up in.
Jon: Errrrm... sorry?
After a thorough search through Whitetree, they find no signs of remaining life. This is the fourth straight Wildling town that is totally abandoned.
From the woods then emerges Chett and his hounds. He used to be Aemon's servant but now he works the kennel. He's not a fan of Jon Snow though, as he blames Jon for being the mastermind behind Sam taking his job. He's totally right.
Chett: YEE-HAW! My good ol' hound here, Ol' Velvet Ears, don't smell no sign of no Wildlings, nor does it smell Boss Hogg! We can probably use this old hut as a good place to store our moonshine!
Thoren: I passed by this way a year ago, and there were Wildlings then.
Mallador Locke: Mo' Wildlings = mo' problems. No Wildings = no problems. I'm okay with this.
Jon: Hey! Are you supposed to be the same character as Locke from the TV show?
Mallador Locke: I think they borrow the name and use it for a Night's Watch character, but other than that we're completely different. Don't get used to me, I'm not important.
Bedwyck, a big dude who everyone calls "giant," then comes down from his lookout in the tree.
Bedwyck the Giant: There is a lake up that way. We can probably make it there by nightfall.
Mormont: Okay, let's be on our way then and we'll camp by the lake. Snow, find that idiot boy Sam and tell him to send this message I wrote to Aemon back to Castle Black.
And so they head out north to the lake. As Jon rides his horse around looking for Sam, he feels the pain in his burnt hand and thinks about how depressing things have become since heading beyond the wall. At first morale was high, but as the days went on they found no life and only coldess. It's pretty damn grim. When they do find Wildlings... hopefully his hand will be healed enough so that he can use his sword.
Jon finds Sam giving water to the horses that are carrying the cages of ravens.
Jon: Ah, there your fat ass is.
Raven: Corn?
Jon: Sam, I thought you were teaching these guys how to speak. And yet all they ever say is "corn."
Sam: Oh, I am teaching them. They know other words too. Hey RAVEN! RAVEN! Who is the biggest asshole, mopey, brooding douche in the entire Night's Watch?
Raven: Snow!
Jon: Hahahaha, fuck you Sam.
Sam: So how were things back in Whitetree, Jon? I didn't get a chance to go into the town.
Jon: There was nothing there. Totally abandoned. Oh, and Mormont has a message for you to send to Aemon. Here you go.
Sam: I wish the raven could fly me back along with the message.
Jon: Oh, that would have to be one huge-ass raven. Like the eagle from The Return of the King. Probably even bigger. Because you're a much fatter Sam sidekick than the LoTR Sam sidekick.
Raven: Haha, good one, Snow! Also... corn.
Jon: I don't see why you're so afraid anyway. You're not going to be attacked by Wildlings. There are no Wildlings left it seems.
Sam: Yeah, I guess I'm getting a little less scared and am-AGHHHH! WHAT'S THAT?!
Jon: Your shadow.
Sam: Oh, right. Well, anyway. Back to working on my maps again. This ride allows me to make new, updated maps.
Jon: Fine. We'll just call it a scene and I'll move on.
Jon rides off again, and this time Ghost returns to his side after some time away hunting in the woods. He loves killing things, but has been having just as hard a time as the Rangers.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Even the animals are gone from here. My thurst to murder rabbits and squirrels goes unquenched. I wish to taste their warm blood in my mouth. If I do not find food soon, I will begin to turn on the brothers in the Nights Watch and start eating them].
Jon: Oh, Ghost! Your woofs are so adorable. I wish I could understand what you were saying.
Jon eventually catches up with Mormont.
Jon: Hey, I gave Sam that letter and he sent it off. He's teaching the ravens to talk too.
Mormont: Well, that's a bad idea. They're annoying enough already. The only way this trip could get worse is if the ravens around us all start telling shitty yo' mamma jokes.
Jon: All these abandoned villages. I wonder what Benjen would have thought about them.
Mormont: Maybe this is exactly what he saw when he went out riding. He wanted to ride north and investigate why they left and where the Wildlings got to. And so we will do the same! We'll find them. And they'll be no trouble to us once Halfhand's additional men join us.
Jon: Oh yeah, we'll find those Wildlings. Unless THE OTHERS find us first!
Mormont: Stop being dramatic, princess.
No comments:
Post a Comment