Bran is riding his horse, Dancer, to the Harvest Feast. YESSSS! It's finally Harvest Feast time! Bran's only regret is that his direwolf, Summer, doesn't get to hang out at the feast too. Ser Rodrick wouldn't allow it and made sure that Summer was out in the godswood. But then again, Summer has a habit of ripping the necks out of people and tasting their warm blood. So maybe it's a good thing that he's not invited to this big party with strangers.
Random Lords: FOR THE STARKS! FOR WINTERFELL!
Bran: Oh yeah, a bunch of random, drunk Lords all shouting celebratory stuff as I ride this horse by them. Big deal.
Osha and Hodor unstrap him from the horse and he sits on the dais, ready for the par-tay to begin. Rodrick does the old "Shhhhh!" move to get everyone to shut up. It's a classic. With everyone now silent, Bran begins the ceremonies.
Bran: Welcome to the ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA FALL HARVEST everyone! Let us thank the gods for this bountiful harvest, and for my brother Robb's victories. May there be a hundred more!
Random Lords: HUZZAH!!!!!!
Everyone celebrates and shouts "Huzzah" as they bite into Turkey legs like this is some kind of Renaissance Faire or a Medieval Times. The feasts begin. GRRM then goes into great detail to describe the variety of dishes that are served, because he is fat. I won't talk about that though.
Bran sees all sorts of crazy stuff at the party like Osha being sexually assaulted by drunk guys, the Walder brothers being fucking annoying (as usual), Lady Hornwood being depressed about her dead husband and needing to marry one of these other morons, Manderly being fat and eating Lamprey pies like it was some type of pie-eating competition (it isn't), the Umber brothers playing drinking games, etc. Bran gets super bored and wishes he was in the godswood with Summer instead. He thinks about the last time Winterfell had a feast like this. It was when King Robert was here. But now, like, everyone from that feast is dead. His dad. King Robert. Jory. All those other random Stark household people. It's depressing.
The door to the great hall is then kicked open and the smell of Doobie fills the room.
Jojen Reed: Like, WHOOOOAAAA Man! Right on! We're here, everybody! Here to spread peace and love!
Meera: Ugh. Please, don't talk like that.
Little Walder: Ugh. It's one of those crannogmen from the Neck. Gross. Those people are all mudmen who live in the swamps who steal shit and have green teeth from eating frogs.
Big Walder: Really? Because he looks more like the kid Sam from Love Actually to me.
Ser Rodrick: Bran, these must be the children of your father's dear friend, Howland Reed. They come from Greywater Watch.
Bran: Thanks for arriving all late.
Meera: Sorry. Our castle is mobile and moves around. So it's hard to get ravens there.
Bran: How does that even work?
Meera: Well, the books never really explain it. I guess you can probably assume we just constructed a castle on some big, artificial island that can be anchored down occasionally. But when the anchor is lifted it can float elsewhere.
Bran: That sounds like a "boat" to me. What you're saying is that Greywater Watch is essentially a yacht?
Meera: Maybe.
Jojen: Well, man. I think it's more like a Volkswagen Bus with peace signs all over it, daddy-o's! Now let's get high and start playing some Janis Joplin!
Jojen then puts on his rose-colored sunglasses, even though he's inside.
Meera: Wait... why exactly is the narrator portraying Jojen this way? There is absolutely nothing in the books to make Jojen appear to be a hippy.
Jojen: SORRY, MEERA. I'm, like, a "green-seer." And by that I mean I see things when I get the green, if you know what I mean. Even my eyes are GREEN! Whoa!
Jojen stares at his hand for a minute, confused by it. He then pulls out a loose joint and starts toking.
Bran: Oh, this is going to be even worse than the depiction of Hodor. Why is the narrator ruining all of my chapters by re-interpreting all my supporting characters?
Look, I'm doing whatever I can to try to make the Bran chapters more interesting.
Bran: I don't think I'm going to like these characters at all.
Rodrick: Now, now, Bran. The Reeds are close allies of us. Howland was your father's closest friend and probably knows his deepest, darkest secrets.
Bran: You mean like stuff about the parentage of Jon Snow?
Rodrick: Yes.
Bran: GREAT! So that means Howland Reed himself will soon make an appearance since he's such an important character?
Rodrick: No.
The two Reeds then kneel before the dais and pledge their loyalty to House Stark with an ancient oath:
Meera and Jojen (together): To Winterfell we pledge the faith of Greywater. Hearth and harvest and we yield up to you, my lord. Our swords and spears and arrows are yours to command. Grant mercy to our weak, help to our helpless, and justice to all, and we shall never fail you.
Jojen: I swear it by, like, far out earth and water.
Meera: I swear it by bronze and iron.
Meera and Jojen (together): We swear it... by... ICE... AND... FIRE!!!!!
Bran: Oh SHIT! Did they just say ICE AND FIRE?!
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Ice and Fire" flashes again and again.
Bran: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the countryside beyond Winterfell.
Bran: Okay, I think these characters are going to be super important now.
Jojen: Groovy, Brando! Groovy! I'm digging your vibe.
Bran: Please, never call me "Brando" again.
Jojen: Hey, man. I hear you, like, have some direwolves or something. And that they're totally chill. Not like those fascist German Shepherds that the fuzz have. I wanna pet one and give it some of my special brownies.
Bran: How do you know about the direwolves?
Jojen: Oh, I know things, man! Whenever I get high on the green, I can see things.
Bran: So you guys LICK frogs instead of eating them?
Rodrick: Dude, don't ask them that. It's rude.
So instead, Bran just awkwardly stares at Meera for a while. Until she catches him looking. Bran then blushes and turns away.
Jojen: Whoa, this weed gives me the power to see that Bran has a crush on Meera. Far out!
Bran: What!
Jojen: Nah, just kidding. It's not the weed that allows me to see that, man. It's my eyes. I can tell that not every part of you from the waist down is disabled. Hahahaha! Major pocket rocket there, daddy-o!
Bran: WHAT?!
Jojen: It's all good, man. I'm not judging you. I support free love. It's how we live in the Crannog, man. We just smoke and do LSD and make love on blankets and listen to the Greatful Dead. You should try it, it's outta sight!
Bran: No thanks.
The party continues to rage. Rodrick tries to make a move on Lady Hornwood based on their perceived "spark" the other day, but he gets denied. Jojen and the Umbers start playing hacky sack.
Eventually Bran gets tired of everyone else having fun while he's just all crippled there. He asks for Hodor to carry him away and he goes off to bed.
As Bran tosses and turns, trying to sleep. He thinks more about the Reeds. Not only because he thinks that Meera is hot AF, but also because his dad used to talk about Howland. FLASHBACK TIME!
Bran/Summer: *woof* [Translation: Oh hey! Intruders are trying to break in! I want to eat their faces!]
Meera: Yikes, look at the size of these wolves, Jojen!
Jojen: Wow, man! Like, loook at the size of these wolves. They're like horses, man. I bet they aren't even fully grown yet and will get even bigger. I want to, like, put a saddle on one of them and ride it to a Jimmy Hendrix concert.
Bran/Summer: *whimper* [Translation: WOW! It's Meera and Jojen! I wonder what they're doing here].
Meera: What does your super "green-seeing" power tell you about these wolves, Jojen?
Jojen puffs some Acapulco Red and stares at the wolves.
Jojen: This one here, Shaggydog. I like that name, man. Shaggydog! Far out! But he's full of rage and fear... just like Richard Nixon, man. But this other one, Summer. He's super strong. I wanna, like, pet him and give him some of this reefer!
Meera: No, don't! He'll eat you!
Jojen: No way, man. What do we tell the god of death? Not today, man!
Meera: No, that's not your character.
Jojen reaches and pets Bran/Summer. It's an action that sends Bran spiraling out of control in dreamland. He's torn from Summer's body and he feels like he's falling again.
Crow: *SQUAWK* FLY OR DIE!
Bran: Well, at least you're not talking about corn.
Random Lords: FOR THE STARKS! FOR WINTERFELL!
Bran: Oh yeah, a bunch of random, drunk Lords all shouting celebratory stuff as I ride this horse by them. Big deal.
Osha and Hodor unstrap him from the horse and he sits on the dais, ready for the par-tay to begin. Rodrick does the old "Shhhhh!" move to get everyone to shut up. It's a classic. With everyone now silent, Bran begins the ceremonies.
Bran: Welcome to the ENCHANTMENT UNDER THE SEA FALL HARVEST everyone! Let us thank the gods for this bountiful harvest, and for my brother Robb's victories. May there be a hundred more!
Random Lords: HUZZAH!!!!!!
Everyone celebrates and shouts "Huzzah" as they bite into Turkey legs like this is some kind of Renaissance Faire or a Medieval Times. The feasts begin. GRRM then goes into great detail to describe the variety of dishes that are served, because he is fat. I won't talk about that though.
Bran sees all sorts of crazy stuff at the party like Osha being sexually assaulted by drunk guys, the Walder brothers being fucking annoying (as usual), Lady Hornwood being depressed about her dead husband and needing to marry one of these other morons, Manderly being fat and eating Lamprey pies like it was some type of pie-eating competition (it isn't), the Umber brothers playing drinking games, etc. Bran gets super bored and wishes he was in the godswood with Summer instead. He thinks about the last time Winterfell had a feast like this. It was when King Robert was here. But now, like, everyone from that feast is dead. His dad. King Robert. Jory. All those other random Stark household people. It's depressing.
The door to the great hall is then kicked open and the smell of Doobie fills the room.
Jojen Reed: Like, WHOOOOAAAA Man! Right on! We're here, everybody! Here to spread peace and love!
Meera: Ugh. Please, don't talk like that.
Little Walder: Ugh. It's one of those crannogmen from the Neck. Gross. Those people are all mudmen who live in the swamps who steal shit and have green teeth from eating frogs.
Big Walder: Really? Because he looks more like the kid Sam from Love Actually to me.
Ser Rodrick: Bran, these must be the children of your father's dear friend, Howland Reed. They come from Greywater Watch.
Bran: Thanks for arriving all late.
Meera: Sorry. Our castle is mobile and moves around. So it's hard to get ravens there.
Bran: How does that even work?
Meera: Well, the books never really explain it. I guess you can probably assume we just constructed a castle on some big, artificial island that can be anchored down occasionally. But when the anchor is lifted it can float elsewhere.
Bran: That sounds like a "boat" to me. What you're saying is that Greywater Watch is essentially a yacht?
Meera: Maybe.
Jojen: Well, man. I think it's more like a Volkswagen Bus with peace signs all over it, daddy-o's! Now let's get high and start playing some Janis Joplin!
Jojen then puts on his rose-colored sunglasses, even though he's inside.
Meera: Wait... why exactly is the narrator portraying Jojen this way? There is absolutely nothing in the books to make Jojen appear to be a hippy.
Jojen: SORRY, MEERA. I'm, like, a "green-seer." And by that I mean I see things when I get the green, if you know what I mean. Even my eyes are GREEN! Whoa!
Jojen stares at his hand for a minute, confused by it. He then pulls out a loose joint and starts toking.
Bran: Oh, this is going to be even worse than the depiction of Hodor. Why is the narrator ruining all of my chapters by re-interpreting all my supporting characters?
Look, I'm doing whatever I can to try to make the Bran chapters more interesting.
Bran: I don't think I'm going to like these characters at all.
Rodrick: Now, now, Bran. The Reeds are close allies of us. Howland was your father's closest friend and probably knows his deepest, darkest secrets.
Bran: You mean like stuff about the parentage of Jon Snow?
Rodrick: Yes.
Bran: GREAT! So that means Howland Reed himself will soon make an appearance since he's such an important character?
Rodrick: No.
The two Reeds then kneel before the dais and pledge their loyalty to House Stark with an ancient oath:
Meera and Jojen (together): To Winterfell we pledge the faith of Greywater. Hearth and harvest and we yield up to you, my lord. Our swords and spears and arrows are yours to command. Grant mercy to our weak, help to our helpless, and justice to all, and we shall never fail you.
Jojen: I swear it by, like, far out earth and water.
Meera: I swear it by bronze and iron.
Meera and Jojen (together): We swear it... by... ICE... AND... FIRE!!!!!
Bran: Oh SHIT! Did they just say ICE AND FIRE?!
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Ice and Fire" flashes again and again.
Bran: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the countryside beyond Winterfell.
Bran: Okay, I think these characters are going to be super important now.
Jojen: Groovy, Brando! Groovy! I'm digging your vibe.
Bran: Please, never call me "Brando" again.
Jojen: Hey, man. I hear you, like, have some direwolves or something. And that they're totally chill. Not like those fascist German Shepherds that the fuzz have. I wanna pet one and give it some of my special brownies.
Bran: How do you know about the direwolves?
Jojen: Oh, I know things, man! Whenever I get high on the green, I can see things.
Bran: So you guys LICK frogs instead of eating them?
Rodrick: Dude, don't ask them that. It's rude.
So instead, Bran just awkwardly stares at Meera for a while. Until she catches him looking. Bran then blushes and turns away.
Jojen: Whoa, this weed gives me the power to see that Bran has a crush on Meera. Far out!
Bran: What!
Jojen: Nah, just kidding. It's not the weed that allows me to see that, man. It's my eyes. I can tell that not every part of you from the waist down is disabled. Hahahaha! Major pocket rocket there, daddy-o!
Bran: WHAT?!
Jojen: It's all good, man. I'm not judging you. I support free love. It's how we live in the Crannog, man. We just smoke and do LSD and make love on blankets and listen to the Greatful Dead. You should try it, it's outta sight!
Bran: No thanks.
The party continues to rage. Rodrick tries to make a move on Lady Hornwood based on their perceived "spark" the other day, but he gets denied. Jojen and the Umbers start playing hacky sack.
Eventually Bran gets tired of everyone else having fun while he's just all crippled there. He asks for Hodor to carry him away and he goes off to bed.
As Bran tosses and turns, trying to sleep. He thinks more about the Reeds. Not only because he thinks that Meera is hot AF, but also because his dad used to talk about Howland. FLASHBACK TIME!
Ned: Oh yeah, Bran. Me and Howland were best buddies. That's when knights were knights. Do you know who the greatest knight who ever lived was? Arthur Fucking Dayne. They called him "The Sword of the Morning." I fought him in battle at the Tower of Joy. Dayne would have killed me if it wasn't for Reed.
Bran: Cool story, dad! How about you go into more explicit detail about that particular encounter at the Tower of Joy. Perhaps explain some specific information about the battle against Dayne itself. Or maybe the reasons you were there at the Tower of Joy in the first place. Maybe even provide an end to the story, explaining what you found in the Tower when you got there.
Ned: No, son. I think I'll just end my story there and not provide you the ending.
Bran: What? WHY? That doesn't make sense! Why do you always start telling me the story about the Tower of Joy and then stop telling the story before you explain the end?
Ned: *shrugs*Bran then falls asleep. As he dreams, he turns into Summer again. He's in Summer's body, running around. It is super fun being a wolf. But Summer/Bran then hears something. Voices. Talking. Just who exactly are these voices?
Bran/Summer: *woof* [Translation: Oh hey! Intruders are trying to break in! I want to eat their faces!]
Meera: Yikes, look at the size of these wolves, Jojen!
Jojen: Wow, man! Like, loook at the size of these wolves. They're like horses, man. I bet they aren't even fully grown yet and will get even bigger. I want to, like, put a saddle on one of them and ride it to a Jimmy Hendrix concert.
Bran/Summer: *whimper* [Translation: WOW! It's Meera and Jojen! I wonder what they're doing here].
Meera: What does your super "green-seeing" power tell you about these wolves, Jojen?
Jojen puffs some Acapulco Red and stares at the wolves.
Jojen: This one here, Shaggydog. I like that name, man. Shaggydog! Far out! But he's full of rage and fear... just like Richard Nixon, man. But this other one, Summer. He's super strong. I wanna, like, pet him and give him some of this reefer!
Meera: No, don't! He'll eat you!
Jojen: No way, man. What do we tell the god of death? Not today, man!
Meera: No, that's not your character.
Jojen reaches and pets Bran/Summer. It's an action that sends Bran spiraling out of control in dreamland. He's torn from Summer's body and he feels like he's falling again.
Crow: *SQUAWK* FLY OR DIE!
Bran: Well, at least you're not talking about corn.
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