Deep under Rhaenys's Hill, it is chilly and dank. Tyrion is off to visit the Guildhall of the Alchemists.
Macho Man: THE MA-CHO MAN THINKS THIS IS TOO COLD! HE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE, HALF MAN! OOoooOooo, YEAAAAH!
And so Tyrion continues on his own, and meets with Pyromancer Hallyne, the Grand Master of the guild.
Hallyne: Ah, Lord Hand. What an honor it is to have you down here. It's been such a long time that we've been visited. I am Wisdom Hallyne.
Tyrion inspects a jar of green substance -- WILDFIRE!!!
But Tyrion is annoyed by these Pyromancer guys. They all call themselves "Wisdom" like it's their first name. Wisdom this. Wisdom that. Tyrion think it's a little pretentious for a sect of obscure, crazy wildfire-makers who long ago became irrelevant.
Still, Tyrion needs wildfire for his plans to protect the city. And the secrets of wildfire are pretty much the only thing the guild has going for it these days.
Hallyne: At warmer temperatures, it flows more freely than down here. The coldness is a precaution. Once kindled nothing can put wildfire out until it burns itself out on its own. It will seep into cloth, wood, leather, and even into steel.
Tyrion thinks of Thoros of Myr and his flaming sword. Perhaps Wildfire is the trick he uses for that.
Tyrion: Well, at least you're keeping all this stuff safe down here.
Hallyne: Haha, if you say so. It's not really. It leaks out of pots and everything. And there is a ton of it that is missing. It dates back to the era of the Mad King. Nobody knows where it might be! Only a few hundred pots of it were found the other year under the Great Sept of Baelor.
Tyrion: Well, that's reassuring. I wonder if a bunch of pots of wildfire being located directly under the Sept of Baelor is supposed to be some sort of--
Hallyne: --Chekhov's Gun, Lord Tyrion?
Tyrion: Yep.
Hallyne: I would imagine so. Although the show is ahead of the books. Nothing means the books will go the same way, but I'd say this one seems pretty obvious.
Tyrion: So how many jars do you have that you KNOW about and are tracking?
Hallyne: 7,840. Four thousand of those are left over from the reign of the Mad King. But we are working on more for you, Ser. We promise to reach the 10,000 jar goal. Just as you requested.
Tyrion: Awesome. And also NOT awesome because the whole concept of this terrifies me to my core.
Hallyne: Remember... this stuff must be handled with great care! Our acolytes who make it are well trained and work in special cells to make the stuff. If there is any spillage or sign that the wildfire will go off, the cell is designed to dump a bunch of sand into it to smother the wildfire... along with the acolyte.
Tyrion: Brutal. So sand puts out the wildfire?
Hallyne: Yes.
Tyrion: But earlier you specifically said, "Once kindled nothing can put wildfire out until it burns itself out on its own." That is a direct quote. You said "NOTHING" can put it out.
Hallyne: Okay, my bad. Sand can put it out.
Tyrion: Cool. Well, keep it coming. Our soldiers and City Watch guys are gonna need it.
Hallyne: Common soldiers should not be handling this stuff. If you plan to use it in war... the men need to be trained!
Tyrion: A wise recommendation. Let me know of any empty spare jars you have. We can begin to have men train by handling those jars with water in them... before they move on to the real thing. Now, I think it is time for me to depart!
Hallyne: Very well ser. And again, I want to repeat what an honor it is for you to call upon our services. I mean the last time a Hand of the King visited the guild it was... ah, well... you know... the Hand of the King WAS the Grand Master of the Guild!
Tyrion recalls. In the craziest days of the Mad King's rule and descent into insanity, Aerys II had his Hand, Lord Qarlton Chelsted, burned alive. The very man who burned him alive, Grand Master Rossart of the Alchemists' Guild, became the next hand. Which is an interesting way to get a job. Imagine if you got a job at Monster.com but the company was like, "Yes, you have been selected as our new Director for Social Media, but first you have to burn our old Director for Social Media to death."
Anywaaaaay, Rossart was also the one responsible for burning Lord Rickard Stark (Ned's dad) alive, one of the events that helped to set off Robert's Rebellion and end the Targaryen dynasty. Eventually, Tyrion's brother Jaime killed Rossart.
Hallyne: You know, if the King himself wants to meet with us one day... that would also be an honor. We could have a grand feast for him. I hear Joffrey is one sick, twisted little fucker. I bet he'd love watching shit be burned up.
Tyrion: Oh no, that won't be necessary. The King has banned feasts anyway until the war is one.
What Tyrion doesn't mention is that he's the one who recommended to Joffrey that feasts be banned. Besides, Tyrion doesn't want Joffrey's sick, sadistic ass anywhere near this wildfire stuff, for the very reasons Hallyne mentioned.
After navigating the long tunnels, Tyrion departs at Visenya's hill, says goodbye to the Grand Master, and meets up with his Vale Mountain Clansmen guards.
Macho Man: OOOH YEAH! THAT GUY HALLYNE REMINDED ME OF THE UNDERTAKER! THE MACHO MAN BEAT HIM AT A NUMBER OF HOUSE SHOWS IN 1991!
Surprisingly, Tyrion also finds Bronn there too.
Tyrion: Bronn, why are you here?
Bronn: I've been ordered by two different people to find you. First, Ser Jacelyn Bywater urgently requires you at the Gate of the Gods. Next, your sister commands you to attend her in her chambers at the Red Keep.
Tyrion: How can I be at two places at once? Whatever, I'll go to Ser Jacelyn first. Because that will piss off Cersei. And she's sloppy when she's angry.
So Tyrion goes to the Gate of the Gods.
Ser Jacelyn: Ah, there you are, Lord Hand. Ser Cleos Frey has just arrived in town.
Cleos: Here I am! I have terms of peace from Robb Stark that I wish is to deliver to Queen Cersei.
Tyrion: Ah, good. Give them to me.
Cleos: Dude, I just specifically said TO QUEEN CERSEI.
Tyrion: Cersei. Me. What's the difference?
Cleos shrugs and gives the terms to him.
Cleos: Times are desperate. All the lands and villages around the Gods Eye and Kingsroad are being burned to the ground. Even the Northerners are burning their own lands to make sure the Lannisters can't take any crops as they advance. Which is only making the Lannisters attack villages and kill the smallfolk. It's rough out there.
Tyrion starts reading through Robb's peace terms.
Tyrion: OH WOW. These are gold. These are hilarious! You gotta admit, that kid has a set of nuts on him to write this to Cersei.
Cleos: The boy waits at Riverrun, afraid to face your father Tywin in battle. He grows weaker every days as his Lords and soldiers run away to protect their own lands.
Tyrion: Yes. That was probably my father's plan all along. And just for the record, I do have to tell you that these terms are totally unacceptable.
Cleos: No shit.
Tyrion: I mean... the exchange of Willem Lannister and your brother Tion for Sansa and Arya? Never gonna happen. I need you to meet with the Small Council, so that we can send our counter offer back to Robb.
Cleos: Yeah, Because I'm really looking forward to riding back to that war zone. That was sarcastic, by the way.
Tyrion: In the meantime, wait here in the city. We will summon you at the appropriate time.
With that, Tyrion then meets again with Ser Jacelyn. Jacelyn is in charge of training all these new recruits to the City Watch. Most of them are terrible, but they need jobs because the awful economic conditions caused by the war. In time, maybe they won't suck. Tyrion is cynical.
Tyrion: Ser Jacelyn, check out this clay pot. I want your men to learn how to fling these things safely, in the event one day they might need to shoot them off with wildfire in them.
Ser Jacelyn: A wise idea, Lord Hand. Although I have no taste for Alchemist's piss.
Tyrion: Oh wow. Is that what this stuff is really made from? Gross.
Ser Jacelyn: No. It was just a... uhm... never mind.
Tyrion, who is a busy little bee this chapter, then heads off to his next location. After a chunk of internal narration, something finally happens -- as Tyrion passes by Cobbler's Square, he hears a priest yelling about something.
Priest: DOOM! DESPAIR! SORROW! For the Red Comet is a harbinger of death! It is the Father's scourge! Our whoremonger king is dead and when the boar ripped his belly open, snakes slid out and his rotting stench of sin reached the heavens. The gods sent destruction our way! Maggots and twisted little monkey demons rule in our castles! Even the High Septon has forgotten our gods! The red comet will cleanse this world with fire! Only the true believers shall be saved!
Tyrion: HEY! Is "little monkey demon" supposed to refer to me? That's not cool, man. I was born short.
Guy in Crowd: Wait! Excuse me! Mister Priest, ser! Are you sure this red comet represents a harbinger of fiery doom from our gods for all the sins committed? Because I heard that it was related to fire, but only in the sense that it was a sign that some jailbait queen in Essos should step into her husband's funeral pyre with her dragon eggs to hatch them.
Other Guy: Yeah, I heard something along those lines too. Only it wasn't that the jailbait Essos queen should step in a fire, but that she should follow the comet to Qarth.
Lady: What?! Why is everybody talking about lame people out east in Essos? The comet is clearly meant as a sign for us here in Kings Landing. Only it's not a negative thing like this priest is saying. I think it's a positive thing. It's in celebration of our new king. I hear it's called "Joffrey's comet," and the gods sent it to us as a celebration.
Cobbler: No way, lady! Didn't you hear about that letter that's going around? Our true and rightful king, Stannis, sent it. Joffrey is an abomination made from incest. The comet is clearly sent from the one true god, the Lord of Light, and is meant to represent that Stannis is the Prince that was Promised, reborn. The comet is guiding Stannis here to Kings Landing, so that he should take the Iron Throne!
Cordwainer: That's TREASON, buddy! Stannis is no true king. No more than that boy up North is a king. Those stupid northerners also have lame, bullshit stories about the comet. They say that it's meant to represent Ned Stark's death. Or that it represents the victories of the Starks and Tulleys against the Lannister forces.
Shoemaker: I agree that it has to do with the Stark-Lannister war. The comet is definitely a herald, warning us all about the horrors of the coming war.
Cobbler's Apprentice: I personally think that the comet looks like a sword. Like, a hot sword on the forge or something. Since it's red.
Cobbler: If the sword is red, boy, couldn't it be a BLOODY sword instead of a hot one from the forge?
Lady: Oh yeah, that's probably a better idea. It does look a bit like that. You know, I had an uncle sent off to the Night's Watch. I bet he'd think the comet means something else entirely. Perhaps a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods for a campaign north launched by their Lord Commander, Mormont.
Other Guy: That's nonsense. That would be as silly as if the men of the Iron Isles thought it to be a message from the drowned god.
Passing Maester: The Maesters of the Citadel in Old Town have a number of theories as well. One Maester studied such phenomena and believe these "comets" to be icy, small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Everyone pelts the Maester with shoes because his idea is the stupidest sounding one. And also, this is Cobbler's Lane. Hence the wide availability of shoes.
Tyrion: I swear, I have no idea why this book is called "A Clash of Kings" and not "Nearly One Thousand Pages of Speculation About a Fucking Comet."
Tyrion next goes to the Red Keep. And if you'll remember, Cersei has summoned him to come there a LOOOOONG time ago. Needless to say, she is PISSED.
Cersei: HOW DARE you not come to your Queen's summons! And how dare you try to sell your niece like a bag of oats!
Tyrion: Hey, engaging in the farming and selling of oats is a totally legitimate occupation. Don't blaspheme the good name of people who deal with oats. They are some swell dudes, for sure.
Cersei: Huh?
Tyrion: Never mind. But do you mind clarifying WHERE exactly you heard I'm sending Myrcella to?
Cersei: Why? You should know this, since you're the one who made the proposal.
Tyrion: Just humor me.
Cersei: You're sending her to Dorne.
Tyrion: Ah, sweet. That means Maester Pycelle is the leaker. Which is super obvious because it's been pointed out that he's a spy for Cersei like 40 times already.
Cersei: Huh again? What was that? I didn't quite catch it. Are you talking in a Shakespearean aside to the audience?
Tyrion: Oh, what I said was, "Dorne is much safer than here in Kings Landing." Surely you must know that. Our feud with the Martells only goes back, like, one generation. Plus Myrcella was born to fulfill her destiny as some sort of pawn in a marriage alliance. That is the role of women after all.
Cersei: NO! NO! NO! I won't allow it.
Tyrion: Too late. That bird has flown. Myrcella will go to Dorne and become a ward of Prince Doran until she is old enough to marry his son, Trystane. Ser Aerys Oakheart will also travel with Myrcella to protect her.
Cersei: Oakheart? Fuck that! That's not good enough. She'll be a hostage! She won't be safe! Prince Doran might try to kill her in vengeance for how daddy had the Mountain murder Doran's sister, Elia, all those years ago.
Tyrion: I don't think so. Prince Doran is far too noble to do anything like that. Much more noble than how you and your shitty son Joffrey treat hostages like Sansa. I've also offered Prince Doran his sister's killer, a seat on the Small Council, some castles in the Dornish marshes, and a bridge in Brooklyn.
Cersei: You offer too much! And none of it with the Queen's consent!
Tyrion: Doran would accept no less than what I offered. Why? Were you think of offering him something different? Maybe dat coochie since you're single now?
Cersei slaps Tyrion.
Cersei: How DARE you! Never speak to me like that again! Do you think that note from father saying that you are the acting Hand of the King will protect you? Ned Stark had a note too that he thought would protect him. You see how well that worked.
Tyrion: Well, the difference between Ned and me is that I have the City Watch on my side while Ned didn't. So there's that.
Cersei: What?
Tyrion: Look... Myrcella will be SAFE in Dorne. What do you think Stannis will do to her if he attacks Kings Landing and wins? You, Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen will all be beheaded and your heads stuck on pikes next to each other.
Cersei breaks down and cries upon hearing that.
Tyrion: Oh shit. Did I take that one too far?
Cersei: SHUT UP! You're all stupid! None of you MEN have done anything. Jaime got himself captured. Father hides in Harrenhal. If I was in charge around here, none of this would happen and my daughter would be safe.
Tyrion: #feminism?
Cersei: The point is... Kings Landing is shitty defended so we're pretty much doomed.
Tyrion: Nah, I don't think so. First of all, Stannis hasn't even shown any sign that he's planning on attacking yet. Even if he does, we can hold out a siege for a while. Enough time for father to march his army down and attack Stannis from the backside. And Stannis won't like a backside attack. I bet Renly would though. Huh? Huh? Get it?
Cersei: And then what about Robb Stark? What will HE do if father's army comes this way?
Tyrion: The boy's army doesn't have the strength to take out all of the Lannister forces and make their way here. Besides, the boy seems willing to make peace. See?
Tyrion whips out the letter from Cleos Frey from earlier, offering terms.
Cersei: WHAT THE HELL?! Why do you have this? This was supposed to be handed to ME. Not to you!
Tyrion: Well, I am the HAND. So I HANDED it. Get it? Get it? I'm just full of jokes today.
And mercifully, the chapter then comes to and end, with Tyrion happy about his plotting. He gave Pycelle, Littlefinger and Varys three different messages and the message that leaked back to Cersei was the one that he gave to Pycelle. See how easy it is to ID a leaker?
That Pycelle... I bet he has a world of hurt coming his way!
Macho Man: THE MA-CHO MAN THINKS THIS IS TOO COLD! HE IS GETTING OUT OF HERE, HALF MAN! OOoooOooo, YEAAAAH!
And so Tyrion continues on his own, and meets with Pyromancer Hallyne, the Grand Master of the guild.
Hallyne: Ah, Lord Hand. What an honor it is to have you down here. It's been such a long time that we've been visited. I am Wisdom Hallyne.
Tyrion inspects a jar of green substance -- WILDFIRE!!!
But Tyrion is annoyed by these Pyromancer guys. They all call themselves "Wisdom" like it's their first name. Wisdom this. Wisdom that. Tyrion think it's a little pretentious for a sect of obscure, crazy wildfire-makers who long ago became irrelevant.
Still, Tyrion needs wildfire for his plans to protect the city. And the secrets of wildfire are pretty much the only thing the guild has going for it these days.
Hallyne: At warmer temperatures, it flows more freely than down here. The coldness is a precaution. Once kindled nothing can put wildfire out until it burns itself out on its own. It will seep into cloth, wood, leather, and even into steel.
Tyrion thinks of Thoros of Myr and his flaming sword. Perhaps Wildfire is the trick he uses for that.
Tyrion: Well, at least you're keeping all this stuff safe down here.
Hallyne: Haha, if you say so. It's not really. It leaks out of pots and everything. And there is a ton of it that is missing. It dates back to the era of the Mad King. Nobody knows where it might be! Only a few hundred pots of it were found the other year under the Great Sept of Baelor.
Tyrion: Well, that's reassuring. I wonder if a bunch of pots of wildfire being located directly under the Sept of Baelor is supposed to be some sort of--
Hallyne: --Chekhov's Gun, Lord Tyrion?
Tyrion: Yep.
Hallyne: I would imagine so. Although the show is ahead of the books. Nothing means the books will go the same way, but I'd say this one seems pretty obvious.
Tyrion: So how many jars do you have that you KNOW about and are tracking?
Hallyne: 7,840. Four thousand of those are left over from the reign of the Mad King. But we are working on more for you, Ser. We promise to reach the 10,000 jar goal. Just as you requested.
Tyrion: Awesome. And also NOT awesome because the whole concept of this terrifies me to my core.
Hallyne: Remember... this stuff must be handled with great care! Our acolytes who make it are well trained and work in special cells to make the stuff. If there is any spillage or sign that the wildfire will go off, the cell is designed to dump a bunch of sand into it to smother the wildfire... along with the acolyte.
Tyrion: Brutal. So sand puts out the wildfire?
Hallyne: Yes.
Tyrion: But earlier you specifically said, "Once kindled nothing can put wildfire out until it burns itself out on its own." That is a direct quote. You said "NOTHING" can put it out.
Hallyne: Okay, my bad. Sand can put it out.
Tyrion: Cool. Well, keep it coming. Our soldiers and City Watch guys are gonna need it.
Hallyne: Common soldiers should not be handling this stuff. If you plan to use it in war... the men need to be trained!
Tyrion: A wise recommendation. Let me know of any empty spare jars you have. We can begin to have men train by handling those jars with water in them... before they move on to the real thing. Now, I think it is time for me to depart!
Hallyne: Very well ser. And again, I want to repeat what an honor it is for you to call upon our services. I mean the last time a Hand of the King visited the guild it was... ah, well... you know... the Hand of the King WAS the Grand Master of the Guild!
Tyrion recalls. In the craziest days of the Mad King's rule and descent into insanity, Aerys II had his Hand, Lord Qarlton Chelsted, burned alive. The very man who burned him alive, Grand Master Rossart of the Alchemists' Guild, became the next hand. Which is an interesting way to get a job. Imagine if you got a job at Monster.com but the company was like, "Yes, you have been selected as our new Director for Social Media, but first you have to burn our old Director for Social Media to death."
Anywaaaaay, Rossart was also the one responsible for burning Lord Rickard Stark (Ned's dad) alive, one of the events that helped to set off Robert's Rebellion and end the Targaryen dynasty. Eventually, Tyrion's brother Jaime killed Rossart.
Hallyne: You know, if the King himself wants to meet with us one day... that would also be an honor. We could have a grand feast for him. I hear Joffrey is one sick, twisted little fucker. I bet he'd love watching shit be burned up.
Tyrion: Oh no, that won't be necessary. The King has banned feasts anyway until the war is one.
What Tyrion doesn't mention is that he's the one who recommended to Joffrey that feasts be banned. Besides, Tyrion doesn't want Joffrey's sick, sadistic ass anywhere near this wildfire stuff, for the very reasons Hallyne mentioned.
After navigating the long tunnels, Tyrion departs at Visenya's hill, says goodbye to the Grand Master, and meets up with his Vale Mountain Clansmen guards.
Macho Man: OOOH YEAH! THAT GUY HALLYNE REMINDED ME OF THE UNDERTAKER! THE MACHO MAN BEAT HIM AT A NUMBER OF HOUSE SHOWS IN 1991!
Surprisingly, Tyrion also finds Bronn there too.
Tyrion: Bronn, why are you here?
Bronn: I've been ordered by two different people to find you. First, Ser Jacelyn Bywater urgently requires you at the Gate of the Gods. Next, your sister commands you to attend her in her chambers at the Red Keep.
Tyrion: How can I be at two places at once? Whatever, I'll go to Ser Jacelyn first. Because that will piss off Cersei. And she's sloppy when she's angry.
So Tyrion goes to the Gate of the Gods.
Ser Jacelyn: Ah, there you are, Lord Hand. Ser Cleos Frey has just arrived in town.
Cleos: Here I am! I have terms of peace from Robb Stark that I wish is to deliver to Queen Cersei.
Tyrion: Ah, good. Give them to me.
Cleos: Dude, I just specifically said TO QUEEN CERSEI.
Tyrion: Cersei. Me. What's the difference?
Cleos shrugs and gives the terms to him.
Cleos: Times are desperate. All the lands and villages around the Gods Eye and Kingsroad are being burned to the ground. Even the Northerners are burning their own lands to make sure the Lannisters can't take any crops as they advance. Which is only making the Lannisters attack villages and kill the smallfolk. It's rough out there.
Tyrion starts reading through Robb's peace terms.
Tyrion: OH WOW. These are gold. These are hilarious! You gotta admit, that kid has a set of nuts on him to write this to Cersei.
Cleos: The boy waits at Riverrun, afraid to face your father Tywin in battle. He grows weaker every days as his Lords and soldiers run away to protect their own lands.
Tyrion: Yes. That was probably my father's plan all along. And just for the record, I do have to tell you that these terms are totally unacceptable.
Cleos: No shit.
Tyrion: I mean... the exchange of Willem Lannister and your brother Tion for Sansa and Arya? Never gonna happen. I need you to meet with the Small Council, so that we can send our counter offer back to Robb.
Cleos: Yeah, Because I'm really looking forward to riding back to that war zone. That was sarcastic, by the way.
Tyrion: In the meantime, wait here in the city. We will summon you at the appropriate time.
With that, Tyrion then meets again with Ser Jacelyn. Jacelyn is in charge of training all these new recruits to the City Watch. Most of them are terrible, but they need jobs because the awful economic conditions caused by the war. In time, maybe they won't suck. Tyrion is cynical.
Tyrion: Ser Jacelyn, check out this clay pot. I want your men to learn how to fling these things safely, in the event one day they might need to shoot them off with wildfire in them.
Ser Jacelyn: A wise idea, Lord Hand. Although I have no taste for Alchemist's piss.
Tyrion: Oh wow. Is that what this stuff is really made from? Gross.
Ser Jacelyn: No. It was just a... uhm... never mind.
Tyrion, who is a busy little bee this chapter, then heads off to his next location. After a chunk of internal narration, something finally happens -- as Tyrion passes by Cobbler's Square, he hears a priest yelling about something.
Priest: DOOM! DESPAIR! SORROW! For the Red Comet is a harbinger of death! It is the Father's scourge! Our whoremonger king is dead and when the boar ripped his belly open, snakes slid out and his rotting stench of sin reached the heavens. The gods sent destruction our way! Maggots and twisted little monkey demons rule in our castles! Even the High Septon has forgotten our gods! The red comet will cleanse this world with fire! Only the true believers shall be saved!
Tyrion: HEY! Is "little monkey demon" supposed to refer to me? That's not cool, man. I was born short.
Guy in Crowd: Wait! Excuse me! Mister Priest, ser! Are you sure this red comet represents a harbinger of fiery doom from our gods for all the sins committed? Because I heard that it was related to fire, but only in the sense that it was a sign that some jailbait queen in Essos should step into her husband's funeral pyre with her dragon eggs to hatch them.
Other Guy: Yeah, I heard something along those lines too. Only it wasn't that the jailbait Essos queen should step in a fire, but that she should follow the comet to Qarth.
Lady: What?! Why is everybody talking about lame people out east in Essos? The comet is clearly meant as a sign for us here in Kings Landing. Only it's not a negative thing like this priest is saying. I think it's a positive thing. It's in celebration of our new king. I hear it's called "Joffrey's comet," and the gods sent it to us as a celebration.
Cobbler: No way, lady! Didn't you hear about that letter that's going around? Our true and rightful king, Stannis, sent it. Joffrey is an abomination made from incest. The comet is clearly sent from the one true god, the Lord of Light, and is meant to represent that Stannis is the Prince that was Promised, reborn. The comet is guiding Stannis here to Kings Landing, so that he should take the Iron Throne!
Cordwainer: That's TREASON, buddy! Stannis is no true king. No more than that boy up North is a king. Those stupid northerners also have lame, bullshit stories about the comet. They say that it's meant to represent Ned Stark's death. Or that it represents the victories of the Starks and Tulleys against the Lannister forces.
Shoemaker: I agree that it has to do with the Stark-Lannister war. The comet is definitely a herald, warning us all about the horrors of the coming war.
Cobbler's Apprentice: I personally think that the comet looks like a sword. Like, a hot sword on the forge or something. Since it's red.
Cobbler: If the sword is red, boy, couldn't it be a BLOODY sword instead of a hot one from the forge?
Lady: Oh yeah, that's probably a better idea. It does look a bit like that. You know, I had an uncle sent off to the Night's Watch. I bet he'd think the comet means something else entirely. Perhaps a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods for a campaign north launched by their Lord Commander, Mormont.
Other Guy: That's nonsense. That would be as silly as if the men of the Iron Isles thought it to be a message from the drowned god.
Passing Maester: The Maesters of the Citadel in Old Town have a number of theories as well. One Maester studied such phenomena and believe these "comets" to be icy, small bodies rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, they warm and begin to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.
Everyone pelts the Maester with shoes because his idea is the stupidest sounding one. And also, this is Cobbler's Lane. Hence the wide availability of shoes.
Tyrion: I swear, I have no idea why this book is called "A Clash of Kings" and not "Nearly One Thousand Pages of Speculation About a Fucking Comet."
Tyrion next goes to the Red Keep. And if you'll remember, Cersei has summoned him to come there a LOOOOONG time ago. Needless to say, she is PISSED.
Cersei: HOW DARE you not come to your Queen's summons! And how dare you try to sell your niece like a bag of oats!
Tyrion: Hey, engaging in the farming and selling of oats is a totally legitimate occupation. Don't blaspheme the good name of people who deal with oats. They are some swell dudes, for sure.
Cersei: Huh?
Tyrion: Never mind. But do you mind clarifying WHERE exactly you heard I'm sending Myrcella to?
Cersei: Why? You should know this, since you're the one who made the proposal.
Tyrion: Just humor me.
Cersei: You're sending her to Dorne.
Tyrion: Ah, sweet. That means Maester Pycelle is the leaker. Which is super obvious because it's been pointed out that he's a spy for Cersei like 40 times already.
Cersei: Huh again? What was that? I didn't quite catch it. Are you talking in a Shakespearean aside to the audience?
Tyrion: Oh, what I said was, "Dorne is much safer than here in Kings Landing." Surely you must know that. Our feud with the Martells only goes back, like, one generation. Plus Myrcella was born to fulfill her destiny as some sort of pawn in a marriage alliance. That is the role of women after all.
Cersei: NO! NO! NO! I won't allow it.
Tyrion: Too late. That bird has flown. Myrcella will go to Dorne and become a ward of Prince Doran until she is old enough to marry his son, Trystane. Ser Aerys Oakheart will also travel with Myrcella to protect her.
Cersei: Oakheart? Fuck that! That's not good enough. She'll be a hostage! She won't be safe! Prince Doran might try to kill her in vengeance for how daddy had the Mountain murder Doran's sister, Elia, all those years ago.
Tyrion: I don't think so. Prince Doran is far too noble to do anything like that. Much more noble than how you and your shitty son Joffrey treat hostages like Sansa. I've also offered Prince Doran his sister's killer, a seat on the Small Council, some castles in the Dornish marshes, and a bridge in Brooklyn.
Cersei: You offer too much! And none of it with the Queen's consent!
Tyrion: Doran would accept no less than what I offered. Why? Were you think of offering him something different? Maybe dat coochie since you're single now?
Cersei slaps Tyrion.
Cersei: How DARE you! Never speak to me like that again! Do you think that note from father saying that you are the acting Hand of the King will protect you? Ned Stark had a note too that he thought would protect him. You see how well that worked.
Tyrion: Well, the difference between Ned and me is that I have the City Watch on my side while Ned didn't. So there's that.
Cersei: What?
Tyrion: Look... Myrcella will be SAFE in Dorne. What do you think Stannis will do to her if he attacks Kings Landing and wins? You, Joffrey, Myrcella and Tommen will all be beheaded and your heads stuck on pikes next to each other.
Cersei breaks down and cries upon hearing that.
Tyrion: Oh shit. Did I take that one too far?
Cersei: SHUT UP! You're all stupid! None of you MEN have done anything. Jaime got himself captured. Father hides in Harrenhal. If I was in charge around here, none of this would happen and my daughter would be safe.
Tyrion: #feminism?
Cersei: The point is... Kings Landing is shitty defended so we're pretty much doomed.
Tyrion: Nah, I don't think so. First of all, Stannis hasn't even shown any sign that he's planning on attacking yet. Even if he does, we can hold out a siege for a while. Enough time for father to march his army down and attack Stannis from the backside. And Stannis won't like a backside attack. I bet Renly would though. Huh? Huh? Get it?
Cersei: And then what about Robb Stark? What will HE do if father's army comes this way?
Tyrion: The boy's army doesn't have the strength to take out all of the Lannister forces and make their way here. Besides, the boy seems willing to make peace. See?
Tyrion whips out the letter from Cleos Frey from earlier, offering terms.
Cersei: WHAT THE HELL?! Why do you have this? This was supposed to be handed to ME. Not to you!
Tyrion: Well, I am the HAND. So I HANDED it. Get it? Get it? I'm just full of jokes today.
And mercifully, the chapter then comes to and end, with Tyrion happy about his plotting. He gave Pycelle, Littlefinger and Varys three different messages and the message that leaked back to Cersei was the one that he gave to Pycelle. See how easy it is to ID a leaker?
That Pycelle... I bet he has a world of hurt coming his way!
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