It's before dawn just a few days before the great fall harvest feast, but Bran is wide awake. With Robb down fighting the war, it's his job to be "Prince of Winterfell" and host everyone at the feast. For the last few days, guests of honor have been arriving in preparation for the big event, including that big, fat moron Wyman Manderly. He got in two days ago and Bran was propped up on his dead father's big chair to receive him.
Rodrick Cassel: Now, now, Bran. You can't be a knight because you're a pathetic cripple now. Besides, you did a great job as a prince. Not Purple Rain good, but good. I mean, except in that conversation where you told Manderly to have a heart attack and die. The worst part of that is that he never got to explain what his vision for the ultimate pie would be. I wonder!
Bran: Eh, just wait a few books.
Hodor then arrives.
Hodor: Salutations my dearest Brandon! And how are you on this lovely morning so very near the Autumnal Equinox celebrations? Are you ready for me to assist you with your various accouterments for the day?
Hodor helps Bran put on clothes and carries him downstairs. First they go out to the yard, where Bran watches the Frey cousins, Walder and Walder, joust a bunch of quintains.
Little Walder, the big one: Oh wow, look at Hodor carrying Bran like he's some type of horse. An UGLY horse!
Big Walder, the little one: Hahaha, good one Little Walder!
Hodor: I do say! What a shameful act of boorishness and discourtesy! I have a glandular problem which leads to my substantial size. And it just so happens that young Prince Brandon here needs to be relayed by me due to the fact that he has damaged vertebrae, an infelicitous consequence of a plunge he took from a crenellation. But that is no reason to juxtapose my position and to insinuate that I am a beast of burden, such as a palfrey!
Little Walder: Shut up, Hodor! You and your constant use of fancy words. We hate that! Nobody knows what the hell "infelicitous" means. I'm going to bump you with my horse!
Bran: Stop it! Or I'll have Summer eat you both.
Little Walder: Whatever. I'd like to see him try. I'm wearing armor. That wolf can't hurt me. I'll turn it into a new wolfskin cloak!
Maester Luwin then arrives.
Luwin: Okay kids, BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! Come on, Bran. You need to go meet with Wyman Manderly again.
Bran: Ugh. Really? Can we at least talk about battle or something cool?
Luwin: You're an eight year old boy, Bran. You're not going to talk about anything. You'll speak when spoken to and otherwise shut up.
And so Bran is marched off to go play the Prince again and listen to Lords talk. But the Lords don't want to talk about cool things like battle. The Lords just want to talk to him about boring stuff like who will get to marry Lady Donella Hornwood. Lady Hornwood's husband and only son died in battles down south with Robb, leaving no other heirs to House Hornwoods and lands of the Hornwood forest. And since Lady Hornwood is beyond child-bearing age, that means she can't have new kids and whoever she marries will likely inherent a ton of land to expand their own house's wealth and fame. While this political intrigue may be fascinating to some, Bran just does not give a crap.
Manderly: So yeah, I think I should marry Donella. Even though she's my cousin. Honestly, even though we're cousins that would probably still be one of the most normal and healthy sexual relationships featured in this entire book series.
Luwin: So long as she gets to be on top. Haha! Fatso.
But Bran's meetings with Lords aren't done yet. Next, Bran meets with Lady Hornwood herself.
Lady Hornwood: Hey, have you heard about this crazy thing that's happening? Lord Roose Bolton's bastard son, Ramsay Snow, is amassing troops near the Dreadfort and won't explain his purpose. I think he might be coveting my lands and trying to take them over. Ever since Roose's only legitimate son, Domeric, died... I feel like this Ramsay guy is being prepped to take over for Roose.
Rodrick: Hrm, I've never heard of this Ramsay guy.
Lady Hornwood: Oh yeah, he's gross. They say he has a best friend named "Reek" that never bathes. And that he and Reek go hunting in the woods. And not for deer either.
Rodrick: For squirrel?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Bran: Rabbits?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Luwin: Shadow Cats?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Rodrick: Grumkins and Snarks?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Bran: Lizard-Lions?
Lady Hornwood: No. Please stop guessing. It's people. I'm saying that Ramsay Snow hunts people.
Rodrick: Gross. Anyway, we promise to help you protect your lands. But you really need to think about getting married again.
Lady Hornwood: To who? Wyman Manderly? NO THANKS. Imagine him being on top! Yikes.
Luwin: Hahaha, yeah. I made that joke earlier!
Bran: I'm too young to understand what you're all talking about. But one time I did see daddy laying on top of mommy and--
Lady Hornwood: Shh now, Bran. Adults are talking. Honestly, I don't find any men in this kingdom to my liking. Well, except maybe for you, Ser Rodrick. You hot piece of man meat, you. Let me lick those whiskers.
She grabs his junk under the table and Rodrick starts sweating nervously.
Later, after she's gone, Team Winterfell continues the discussions about the Hornwood inheritance.
Bran: Go for it, Rodrick. You need to hit that. It's some serious MILF action.
Rodrick: Look Bran, it's not that she's unattractive. She looks okay and everything. But I'm just a knight. Lady Hornwood needs to marry a nobleman or the whole crisis over inheriting her lands will just continue.
Bran: Doesn't her dead husband have a bastard son named Larence Snow or something? How about she just marry him?
Rodrick: Bran, that might be the weirdest suggesting in the entire book series. A man and a woman are married. The husband cheats on his wife and has a bastard with his mistress. The husband dies and you suggest that the wife marry her dead husband's bastard child with the mistress? That would be like saying that your mother should marry Jon Snow.
Luwin: Hrm. It's actually not a terrible idea, Rodrick. Mayhaps Lady Hornwood should consider it.
Rodrick: Who's side are you on here?!
Bran, tired of all this talk of politics and marriage, then leaves to go visit Summer in the godswood. I mean he doesn't WALK there himself. Obviously Hodor takes him.
As Bran hangs out by the magical heart tree, Osha explodes out of a nearby pool of water. She's totally naked.
Osha: Oh, hey there everybody.
Bran: Holy shit, bewbs!
Hodor: My goodness! What a buxom and attractive young lass.
Osha: Hey Bran, my EYES ARE UP HERE. What? You never seen a naked lady before?
Bran: I see naked girls all the time. You're just covered in scars and stuff. It's kind of kinky. You in to being whipped and choked and stuff?
Osha: Oh, that I earned these scars fighting and killing members of the Night's Watch. I'm bad ass. And hey... non-sequitur here, but I heard you arguing with those Frey boys earlier.
Bran: They were making fun of Hodor. I didn't like that. Septon Chayle says Hodor has a gentle heart. Septon Chayle also shouts at me for not returning his library books.
Osha: He does that. So you been having any more direwolf dreams?
Bran: Uhhhhh.... no?
Osha: You need to learn to lie a little better.
Later that night, Bran is back in bed and dreams of a weirwood tree calling him and of the three-eyed crow pecking at his face. He wakes up screaming, because a bird eating your face is pretty rough.
Bran: AGHHHH!!!!
He then looks out the window, to see that another party of nobles has arrived for the fall harvest feast.
Bran: Great. More dumb Lords.
Later in the morning, he meets with those dumb nobles, which include Mors Umber and Hothor "Whoresbane" Umber, both related to Greatjon Umber.
Bran: Hey, I wonder why they call you "Whoresbane."
Whoresbane: Well, this one time at a brother, I--
Rodrick: ---Ah, ah, ah! He's eight years old, Hothor. Don't tell him any stories.
Anyway, the discussions go on.
Mors: I think I should be the one that gets to marry Lady Hornwood!
Bran: Oh god, not this Lady Hornwood shit again.
Whoresbane: And my lands are being attacked by Wildlings! I need someone to help me build a bunch of ships so I can attack them.
Luwin: Okay now... Mors, we'll put you on the shortlist for Lady Hornwood. But be warned... there is a line of men banging at that door. And Whoresbane, you need to talk to Manderly and work something out with that ship situation. Okay. NEXT!!!
The next person up is a steward from Deepwood Motte. Suprisingly, GRRM didn't even bother to give this person a name.
Steward: My pardons, sers. I come with apologies from Lady Sybelle Glover, who is tending to her young children and cannot come to the fall harvest herself.
Luwin: Hey... isn't that Larence Snow kid at Deepwood Motte as a ward of Galbart Glover? We were just talking about marrying him to Lady Hornwood. Tell us what you think about him.
Steward: Ah, he's a swell dude.
After the Steward leaves...
Luwin: See Rodrick? That Larence is apparently a swell dude! Maybe Bran's idea wasn't so terrible. Bran, I think you're going to be a great Lord one day. You're really showing potential.
Bran: Luwin, you know I'm never going to be Lord of Winterfell. Robb is going to marry some Frey girl and they're going to have all sorts of kids. They'll be the Lords of Winterfell, not me.
Rodrick: I dunno. You can never guess the future. Something really, really, really terrible could happen to your brother.
Luwin: DUDE, why would you say that to an 8 year old kid?
Rodrick: I'm just sayin'. I've been married three times and only have one daughter and no sons. And my brother had four sons, including Jory. They're all dead now, and the Cassell line dies with them. You never know how life is going to go.
Then... the NEXT day... more damn Lords arrive for Bran to meet.
Leobald Tallhart: Hey there. You know... my wife Berena is Lord Halys Hornwood's sister. You know what would be a great idea? If my young son, Beren, could be fostered with Lady Hornwood. He might even take up the Hornwood name if he was made heir.
Bran: UGH. WHY DO WE HAVE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER DEDICATED TO WHO WILL INHERET HORNWOOD?! I don't even think that place was mentioned in the entire series before this chapter.
It was.
Bran: Shut up!
After the Tallhart meeting, Rodrick and Luwin again discuss the merits of the latest marriage proposal. In the days that follow, ravens fly into Winterfell with more messages. Some express regret about being unable to attend the fall harvest festival. That Ramsay Snow guy says he can't make it. And so do messages from the houses of Mormont, Karstark, Locke, and Flint. So far, the only northern lords not to reply to the message inviting people to the harvest feast are the Houses Cerwyn and Reed.
Bran: Yeah, because were are NEVER GOING TO GET TO SEE HOWLAND REED, DAMNIT!
Cley Cerwyn: Oh hey! Sorry I'm SUPER late. House Cerwyn finally representin'. Dude, did you see that sick ass letter that Stannis Baratheon wrote?
Bran: What letter?
Cley: The one that said that Joffrey is an incest bastard between Cersei and Jaime? SICK DUDE! Totally gross. I still masturbated to the letter though, since I'm a 14 year old boy and we practically masturbate to anything.
Bran: Nasty.
That evening, Bran's thoughts about the Lannisters are much less masturbatory. He can't quite remember why... but whenever he thinks of the Lannisters and incest... the same thing pops into his head over and over again: 10cc's hit 1976 single "The Things We Do for Love."
Lord Wyman Manderly: Why hello Bran! I can't wait for the feast. I want to eat lots of pies. EEL PIES! But that's not the ultimate pie! Oh no. Why one day, I plan to create the ultimate pie, made from--
Bran: --Please just have a heart attack and die.Bran: Ugh. Rodrick! Do I have to keep hosting all these dignitaries? This is so lame. I never wanted to be a prince. I wanted to be a knight!
Rodrick Cassel: Now, now, Bran. You can't be a knight because you're a pathetic cripple now. Besides, you did a great job as a prince. Not Purple Rain good, but good. I mean, except in that conversation where you told Manderly to have a heart attack and die. The worst part of that is that he never got to explain what his vision for the ultimate pie would be. I wonder!
Bran: Eh, just wait a few books.
Hodor then arrives.
Hodor: Salutations my dearest Brandon! And how are you on this lovely morning so very near the Autumnal Equinox celebrations? Are you ready for me to assist you with your various accouterments for the day?
Hodor helps Bran put on clothes and carries him downstairs. First they go out to the yard, where Bran watches the Frey cousins, Walder and Walder, joust a bunch of quintains.
Little Walder, the big one: Oh wow, look at Hodor carrying Bran like he's some type of horse. An UGLY horse!
Big Walder, the little one: Hahaha, good one Little Walder!
Hodor: I do say! What a shameful act of boorishness and discourtesy! I have a glandular problem which leads to my substantial size. And it just so happens that young Prince Brandon here needs to be relayed by me due to the fact that he has damaged vertebrae, an infelicitous consequence of a plunge he took from a crenellation. But that is no reason to juxtapose my position and to insinuate that I am a beast of burden, such as a palfrey!
Little Walder: Shut up, Hodor! You and your constant use of fancy words. We hate that! Nobody knows what the hell "infelicitous" means. I'm going to bump you with my horse!
Bran: Stop it! Or I'll have Summer eat you both.
Little Walder: Whatever. I'd like to see him try. I'm wearing armor. That wolf can't hurt me. I'll turn it into a new wolfskin cloak!
Maester Luwin then arrives.
Luwin: Okay kids, BREAK IT UP! BREAK IT UP! Come on, Bran. You need to go meet with Wyman Manderly again.
Bran: Ugh. Really? Can we at least talk about battle or something cool?
Luwin: You're an eight year old boy, Bran. You're not going to talk about anything. You'll speak when spoken to and otherwise shut up.
And so Bran is marched off to go play the Prince again and listen to Lords talk. But the Lords don't want to talk about cool things like battle. The Lords just want to talk to him about boring stuff like who will get to marry Lady Donella Hornwood. Lady Hornwood's husband and only son died in battles down south with Robb, leaving no other heirs to House Hornwoods and lands of the Hornwood forest. And since Lady Hornwood is beyond child-bearing age, that means she can't have new kids and whoever she marries will likely inherent a ton of land to expand their own house's wealth and fame. While this political intrigue may be fascinating to some, Bran just does not give a crap.
Manderly: So yeah, I think I should marry Donella. Even though she's my cousin. Honestly, even though we're cousins that would probably still be one of the most normal and healthy sexual relationships featured in this entire book series.
Luwin: So long as she gets to be on top. Haha! Fatso.
But Bran's meetings with Lords aren't done yet. Next, Bran meets with Lady Hornwood herself.
Lady Hornwood: Hey, have you heard about this crazy thing that's happening? Lord Roose Bolton's bastard son, Ramsay Snow, is amassing troops near the Dreadfort and won't explain his purpose. I think he might be coveting my lands and trying to take them over. Ever since Roose's only legitimate son, Domeric, died... I feel like this Ramsay guy is being prepped to take over for Roose.
Rodrick: Hrm, I've never heard of this Ramsay guy.
Lady Hornwood: Oh yeah, he's gross. They say he has a best friend named "Reek" that never bathes. And that he and Reek go hunting in the woods. And not for deer either.
Rodrick: For squirrel?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Bran: Rabbits?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Luwin: Shadow Cats?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Rodrick: Grumkins and Snarks?
Lady Hornwood: No.
Bran: Lizard-Lions?
Lady Hornwood: No. Please stop guessing. It's people. I'm saying that Ramsay Snow hunts people.
Rodrick: Gross. Anyway, we promise to help you protect your lands. But you really need to think about getting married again.
Lady Hornwood: To who? Wyman Manderly? NO THANKS. Imagine him being on top! Yikes.
Luwin: Hahaha, yeah. I made that joke earlier!
Bran: I'm too young to understand what you're all talking about. But one time I did see daddy laying on top of mommy and--
Lady Hornwood: Shh now, Bran. Adults are talking. Honestly, I don't find any men in this kingdom to my liking. Well, except maybe for you, Ser Rodrick. You hot piece of man meat, you. Let me lick those whiskers.
She grabs his junk under the table and Rodrick starts sweating nervously.
Later, after she's gone, Team Winterfell continues the discussions about the Hornwood inheritance.
Bran: Go for it, Rodrick. You need to hit that. It's some serious MILF action.
Rodrick: Look Bran, it's not that she's unattractive. She looks okay and everything. But I'm just a knight. Lady Hornwood needs to marry a nobleman or the whole crisis over inheriting her lands will just continue.
Bran: Doesn't her dead husband have a bastard son named Larence Snow or something? How about she just marry him?
Rodrick: Bran, that might be the weirdest suggesting in the entire book series. A man and a woman are married. The husband cheats on his wife and has a bastard with his mistress. The husband dies and you suggest that the wife marry her dead husband's bastard child with the mistress? That would be like saying that your mother should marry Jon Snow.
Luwin: Hrm. It's actually not a terrible idea, Rodrick. Mayhaps Lady Hornwood should consider it.
Rodrick: Who's side are you on here?!
Bran, tired of all this talk of politics and marriage, then leaves to go visit Summer in the godswood. I mean he doesn't WALK there himself. Obviously Hodor takes him.
As Bran hangs out by the magical heart tree, Osha explodes out of a nearby pool of water. She's totally naked.
Osha: Oh, hey there everybody.
Bran: Holy shit, bewbs!
Hodor: My goodness! What a buxom and attractive young lass.
Osha: Hey Bran, my EYES ARE UP HERE. What? You never seen a naked lady before?
Bran: I see naked girls all the time. You're just covered in scars and stuff. It's kind of kinky. You in to being whipped and choked and stuff?
Osha: Oh, that I earned these scars fighting and killing members of the Night's Watch. I'm bad ass. And hey... non-sequitur here, but I heard you arguing with those Frey boys earlier.
Bran: They were making fun of Hodor. I didn't like that. Septon Chayle says Hodor has a gentle heart. Septon Chayle also shouts at me for not returning his library books.
Osha: He does that. So you been having any more direwolf dreams?
Bran: Uhhhhh.... no?
Osha: You need to learn to lie a little better.
Later that night, Bran is back in bed and dreams of a weirwood tree calling him and of the three-eyed crow pecking at his face. He wakes up screaming, because a bird eating your face is pretty rough.
Bran: AGHHHH!!!!
He then looks out the window, to see that another party of nobles has arrived for the fall harvest feast.
Bran: Great. More dumb Lords.
Later in the morning, he meets with those dumb nobles, which include Mors Umber and Hothor "Whoresbane" Umber, both related to Greatjon Umber.
Bran: Hey, I wonder why they call you "Whoresbane."
Whoresbane: Well, this one time at a brother, I--
Rodrick: ---Ah, ah, ah! He's eight years old, Hothor. Don't tell him any stories.
Anyway, the discussions go on.
Mors: I think I should be the one that gets to marry Lady Hornwood!
Bran: Oh god, not this Lady Hornwood shit again.
Whoresbane: And my lands are being attacked by Wildlings! I need someone to help me build a bunch of ships so I can attack them.
Luwin: Okay now... Mors, we'll put you on the shortlist for Lady Hornwood. But be warned... there is a line of men banging at that door. And Whoresbane, you need to talk to Manderly and work something out with that ship situation. Okay. NEXT!!!
The next person up is a steward from Deepwood Motte. Suprisingly, GRRM didn't even bother to give this person a name.
Steward: My pardons, sers. I come with apologies from Lady Sybelle Glover, who is tending to her young children and cannot come to the fall harvest herself.
Luwin: Hey... isn't that Larence Snow kid at Deepwood Motte as a ward of Galbart Glover? We were just talking about marrying him to Lady Hornwood. Tell us what you think about him.
Steward: Ah, he's a swell dude.
After the Steward leaves...
Luwin: See Rodrick? That Larence is apparently a swell dude! Maybe Bran's idea wasn't so terrible. Bran, I think you're going to be a great Lord one day. You're really showing potential.
Bran: Luwin, you know I'm never going to be Lord of Winterfell. Robb is going to marry some Frey girl and they're going to have all sorts of kids. They'll be the Lords of Winterfell, not me.
Rodrick: I dunno. You can never guess the future. Something really, really, really terrible could happen to your brother.
Luwin: DUDE, why would you say that to an 8 year old kid?
Rodrick: I'm just sayin'. I've been married three times and only have one daughter and no sons. And my brother had four sons, including Jory. They're all dead now, and the Cassell line dies with them. You never know how life is going to go.
Then... the NEXT day... more damn Lords arrive for Bran to meet.
Leobald Tallhart: Hey there. You know... my wife Berena is Lord Halys Hornwood's sister. You know what would be a great idea? If my young son, Beren, could be fostered with Lady Hornwood. He might even take up the Hornwood name if he was made heir.
Bran: UGH. WHY DO WE HAVE AN ENTIRE CHAPTER DEDICATED TO WHO WILL INHERET HORNWOOD?! I don't even think that place was mentioned in the entire series before this chapter.
It was.
Bran: Shut up!
After the Tallhart meeting, Rodrick and Luwin again discuss the merits of the latest marriage proposal. In the days that follow, ravens fly into Winterfell with more messages. Some express regret about being unable to attend the fall harvest festival. That Ramsay Snow guy says he can't make it. And so do messages from the houses of Mormont, Karstark, Locke, and Flint. So far, the only northern lords not to reply to the message inviting people to the harvest feast are the Houses Cerwyn and Reed.
Bran: Yeah, because were are NEVER GOING TO GET TO SEE HOWLAND REED, DAMNIT!
Cley Cerwyn: Oh hey! Sorry I'm SUPER late. House Cerwyn finally representin'. Dude, did you see that sick ass letter that Stannis Baratheon wrote?
Bran: What letter?
Cley: The one that said that Joffrey is an incest bastard between Cersei and Jaime? SICK DUDE! Totally gross. I still masturbated to the letter though, since I'm a 14 year old boy and we practically masturbate to anything.
Bran: Nasty.
That evening, Bran's thoughts about the Lannisters are much less masturbatory. He can't quite remember why... but whenever he thinks of the Lannisters and incest... the same thing pops into his head over and over again: 10cc's hit 1976 single "The Things We Do for Love."
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