And the new POVs continue. Theon Greyjoy's ship, the Myraham, passesby Pyke island so he can look at it. He hasn't seen this place since he was a little boy that was taken hostage by the Starks after his father, Balon, lost his little insurrection. He looks up in the sky.
Theon: Hey look, a comet! I think that it represents--
--SHUT THE HELL UP, THEON! IF YOU TALK ABOUT THAT DAMN COMET, I WILL NARRATE YOU HAVING A SUDDEN HEART ATTACK AND DYING RIGHT NOW.
Theon: ...Okay, geez. Sorry.
Theon admires the castle.
Ship Captain's Daughter: Does it look what you remember from your childhood?
Theon: Oh yes, it does. Thank you for asking, girl who I've been having sex with this entire boat journey.
Ship Captain: *grumble*grumble*... I can't believe I give you this ride and the whole time you're having sex with my daughter. And you don't even close the door.
Theon: Hahaha, yeah! I'm the worst!
They pull up to the harbor of Lordsport, because Pyke itself doesn't have a usable harbor. Theon steps off.
Daughter: Oh Theon, take me with you! I'm in love! Let's get married and have all sorts of babies.
Theon: Hahaha, oh... oh... no. No, no, no, no. You see, you were just a little piece of nasty I was getting on the side on this boat ride. You and me are DONE now.
Theon gets off and looks around the harbor. He sees a bunch of ships, including his father's. But he doesn't see the ship of his uncle, Euron.
Theon: Oh good, that means he probably won't show up for another few books.
He then looks around, wondering what's going on. There are just a bunch of townspeople who don't give a shit.
Theon: Hell. I sent word that I was coming. Surely there should be some sort of royal honor guard here to welcome me. To wrap me in fine clothes and bring me to my father in a chariot or litter.
And yet there is none of that. Almost as if nobody gives a shit about Theon.
Theon: Don't you people know who I am? I AM THEON GREYJOY, SON OF BALON! HEIR TO THE THRONE OF THE IRON ISLES.
Merchants, Innkeeper, and Everyone Else: OMG nobody cares.
Old Priest: Oh, hi there Theon.
Theon: Who the hell are you?
Old Priest: Don't remember me, eh? Well I am none other than... YOUR UNCLE, Aeron!
Theon: Oh wow, you look different. Hrm. Now that I think about it, I do remember my father sending me a letter once saying that your ship sunk in a storm and you drowned. Then you washed up to shore and were "reborn" as a pious, religious follower of the drowned god.
Aeron: That's right. I am a changed man. No more drinking Bud Lite Lime and wearing NASCAR shirts. I serve the Drowned God.
Theon: You used to be the "fun" uncle. You look super boring and pious now.
Aeron: Yep. I've put away all my sins.
Theon: So where the hell is everyone else to welcome me?
Aeron: Doing important things that matter and not bothering to meet up with some lame-ass kid who hasn't been around in 10 years and who probably now worships shitty Stark tree gods.
Theon: I do not!
Aeron: Fine. Let me consecrate you in the name of the drowned god then, to cleanse you of your northern god filth.
Theon: Sure.
Aeron splashes a bunch of salt water on Theon's face.
Aeron: Yeah, that should do.
Theon: So where is mom? Where is my sister?
Aeron: Your mom is sick and your sister, Asha, is on a trip to Great Wyk with a secret message to assemble our forces.
Theon: Wait... Asha? Are you sure it's not "Yara?"
Aeron: No, it's "Asha" in the books.
Theon: Why the hell isn't it just "Asha" in the show then?
Aeron: I dunno. I guess the show people figured that people would think "Asha" and "Osha" were too similar or something.
Theon: Wait... they changed her name so as to not confuse her with another somewhat minor supporting character? But doesn't "Yara" sound a lot like "Arya," and so the name change now makes her name sound a lot more like a MAJOR character's name?
Aeron: Whatever man, bring that up with David Benioff, not with me.
Theon: So anyway... I guess ASHA is on a mission to the Great Wyk to help assemble our forces. Why wasn't I told about this in advance?
Aeron: Because you'll snitch about it to those Starks.
They head towards Pyke and eventually reach it near sunset. There, Theon heads to his father's solar.
Theon: Oh DAD... you are a lot older and frailer looking than I remember.
Balon Greyjoy: Oh, nice way to say "Hi" to your dad, dipshit. I guess I would look older than you remember, what with it being over a decade since we last saw each other. That's how time works. It moves forward and people get older. Fuck, you are stupid.
Theon: Sorry father, I didn't mean to--
Balon: --And what is that shit around your neck? Jewelry? You're wearing all sorts of fancy chains and necklaces and jingle-jangles. And you've got on fine velvet and silk. Are you some type of rapper? Do you think you're Johnny Depp or something? Where did you get that shit from?
Theon: Urban Outfitters.
Balon: OH SHIT... you went to a STORE?! Boy, you have forgot the old ways of your people. Don't you remember that here in the Iron Isles there is no such thing as currency? We don't pay money in exchange for goods and services. You pay the IRON PRICE. That means any jewelry, silks, or gold you wear have to come from victories in battle by killing the lame people who do shop at Urban Outfitters.
Theon: Oh man, here you go preaching about a society without money. I didn't come here to listen to a damn TED Talk. I came here because I'm your heir to the throne! And to deliver a message.
Balon: Ha. We'll see about that. You know the king is ELECTED via kingsmoot here, right? It's not hereditary.
Theon: True, technically. But throughout history they usually just elect the son of the last one. It's sort of rigged like that. Let's not get into all of the politics of that in detail. We can save that for A Feast for Crows.
Balon then reaches down and yanks the shitty jewelry off of Theon's neck. Theon looks down in shame.
Balon: There, you look better now. But you still look like a Stark. I can't trust your ass. You've gone native. You got Stockholm Syndrome, big time!
Theon: No I haven't!
Balon: Tell me again why you're here. Who exactly is this "message" of yours from?
Theon: Ermm... Robb Stark.
Balon: See what I mean?
Balon snatches the letter and reads it over. He then crumbles it up and throws it in the fire.
Theon: Hey!
Balon: This is nonsense. Help the Starks and the boy will GIVE me a crown? Really? REALLY? Robb Stark will GIVE me a crown? We men from the Iron Isles aren't GIVEN anything. We TAKE what we want. It's our way. And how does Robb think he has the right to give me anything?
Theon: That's not what Robb meant! I'm sure he meant--
Balon: --He meant what he said. He'd GIVE me a crown. And that statement, by nature, also implies that he can TAKE IT AWAY too. Forget that. I will pay the Iron Price for the crown, just like Urron Redhand did five thousand years ago. I will take my kingdom by fire and sword. I will battle to earn my kingdom. I will attack our enemies and take their lands!
Theon: Oh... see... then I don't know why you're complaining. We're on the same page here. Robb wants you to attack the Lannisters and take their lands too. That's why the deal is so perfect.
Balon: Shit son... the Lannisters? Their lands are not the lands that I'm planning to attack.
Theon: Huh? I don't get it. Where are you planning to attack instead?
Balon: Oh, I dunno. Let's say a much more undefended target, given that all the defenders of this place have gone south to battle the Lannisters.
Theon: Hrm. No. Nothing matching that description is coming to mind.
Balon: *rolls eyes* Winterfell, Theon. Winterfell.
Theon: Hey look, a comet! I think that it represents--
--SHUT THE HELL UP, THEON! IF YOU TALK ABOUT THAT DAMN COMET, I WILL NARRATE YOU HAVING A SUDDEN HEART ATTACK AND DYING RIGHT NOW.
Theon: ...Okay, geez. Sorry.
Theon admires the castle.
Ship Captain's Daughter: Does it look what you remember from your childhood?
Theon: Oh yes, it does. Thank you for asking, girl who I've been having sex with this entire boat journey.
Ship Captain: *grumble*grumble*... I can't believe I give you this ride and the whole time you're having sex with my daughter. And you don't even close the door.
Theon: Hahaha, yeah! I'm the worst!
They pull up to the harbor of Lordsport, because Pyke itself doesn't have a usable harbor. Theon steps off.
Daughter: Oh Theon, take me with you! I'm in love! Let's get married and have all sorts of babies.
Theon: Hahaha, oh... oh... no. No, no, no, no. You see, you were just a little piece of nasty I was getting on the side on this boat ride. You and me are DONE now.
Theon gets off and looks around the harbor. He sees a bunch of ships, including his father's. But he doesn't see the ship of his uncle, Euron.
Theon: Oh good, that means he probably won't show up for another few books.
He then looks around, wondering what's going on. There are just a bunch of townspeople who don't give a shit.
Theon: Hell. I sent word that I was coming. Surely there should be some sort of royal honor guard here to welcome me. To wrap me in fine clothes and bring me to my father in a chariot or litter.
And yet there is none of that. Almost as if nobody gives a shit about Theon.
Theon: Don't you people know who I am? I AM THEON GREYJOY, SON OF BALON! HEIR TO THE THRONE OF THE IRON ISLES.
Merchants, Innkeeper, and Everyone Else: OMG nobody cares.
Old Priest: Oh, hi there Theon.
Theon: Who the hell are you?
Old Priest: Don't remember me, eh? Well I am none other than... YOUR UNCLE, Aeron!
Theon: Oh wow, you look different. Hrm. Now that I think about it, I do remember my father sending me a letter once saying that your ship sunk in a storm and you drowned. Then you washed up to shore and were "reborn" as a pious, religious follower of the drowned god.
Aeron: That's right. I am a changed man. No more drinking Bud Lite Lime and wearing NASCAR shirts. I serve the Drowned God.
Theon: You used to be the "fun" uncle. You look super boring and pious now.
Aeron: Yep. I've put away all my sins.
Theon: So where the hell is everyone else to welcome me?
Aeron: Doing important things that matter and not bothering to meet up with some lame-ass kid who hasn't been around in 10 years and who probably now worships shitty Stark tree gods.
Theon: I do not!
Aeron: Fine. Let me consecrate you in the name of the drowned god then, to cleanse you of your northern god filth.
Theon: Sure.
Aeron splashes a bunch of salt water on Theon's face.
Aeron: Yeah, that should do.
Theon: So where is mom? Where is my sister?
Aeron: Your mom is sick and your sister, Asha, is on a trip to Great Wyk with a secret message to assemble our forces.
Theon: Wait... Asha? Are you sure it's not "Yara?"
Aeron: No, it's "Asha" in the books.
Theon: Why the hell isn't it just "Asha" in the show then?
Aeron: I dunno. I guess the show people figured that people would think "Asha" and "Osha" were too similar or something.
Theon: Wait... they changed her name so as to not confuse her with another somewhat minor supporting character? But doesn't "Yara" sound a lot like "Arya," and so the name change now makes her name sound a lot more like a MAJOR character's name?
Aeron: Whatever man, bring that up with David Benioff, not with me.
Theon: So anyway... I guess ASHA is on a mission to the Great Wyk to help assemble our forces. Why wasn't I told about this in advance?
Aeron: Because you'll snitch about it to those Starks.
They head towards Pyke and eventually reach it near sunset. There, Theon heads to his father's solar.
Theon: Oh DAD... you are a lot older and frailer looking than I remember.
Balon Greyjoy: Oh, nice way to say "Hi" to your dad, dipshit. I guess I would look older than you remember, what with it being over a decade since we last saw each other. That's how time works. It moves forward and people get older. Fuck, you are stupid.
Theon: Sorry father, I didn't mean to--
Balon: --And what is that shit around your neck? Jewelry? You're wearing all sorts of fancy chains and necklaces and jingle-jangles. And you've got on fine velvet and silk. Are you some type of rapper? Do you think you're Johnny Depp or something? Where did you get that shit from?
Theon: Urban Outfitters.
Balon: OH SHIT... you went to a STORE?! Boy, you have forgot the old ways of your people. Don't you remember that here in the Iron Isles there is no such thing as currency? We don't pay money in exchange for goods and services. You pay the IRON PRICE. That means any jewelry, silks, or gold you wear have to come from victories in battle by killing the lame people who do shop at Urban Outfitters.
Theon: Oh man, here you go preaching about a society without money. I didn't come here to listen to a damn TED Talk. I came here because I'm your heir to the throne! And to deliver a message.
Balon: Ha. We'll see about that. You know the king is ELECTED via kingsmoot here, right? It's not hereditary.
Theon: True, technically. But throughout history they usually just elect the son of the last one. It's sort of rigged like that. Let's not get into all of the politics of that in detail. We can save that for A Feast for Crows.
Balon then reaches down and yanks the shitty jewelry off of Theon's neck. Theon looks down in shame.
Balon: There, you look better now. But you still look like a Stark. I can't trust your ass. You've gone native. You got Stockholm Syndrome, big time!
Theon: No I haven't!
Balon: Tell me again why you're here. Who exactly is this "message" of yours from?
Theon: Ermm... Robb Stark.
Balon: See what I mean?
Balon snatches the letter and reads it over. He then crumbles it up and throws it in the fire.
Theon: Hey!
Balon: This is nonsense. Help the Starks and the boy will GIVE me a crown? Really? REALLY? Robb Stark will GIVE me a crown? We men from the Iron Isles aren't GIVEN anything. We TAKE what we want. It's our way. And how does Robb think he has the right to give me anything?
Theon: That's not what Robb meant! I'm sure he meant--
Balon: --He meant what he said. He'd GIVE me a crown. And that statement, by nature, also implies that he can TAKE IT AWAY too. Forget that. I will pay the Iron Price for the crown, just like Urron Redhand did five thousand years ago. I will take my kingdom by fire and sword. I will battle to earn my kingdom. I will attack our enemies and take their lands!
Theon: Oh... see... then I don't know why you're complaining. We're on the same page here. Robb wants you to attack the Lannisters and take their lands too. That's why the deal is so perfect.
Balon: Shit son... the Lannisters? Their lands are not the lands that I'm planning to attack.
Theon: Huh? I don't get it. Where are you planning to attack instead?
Balon: Oh, I dunno. Let's say a much more undefended target, given that all the defenders of this place have gone south to battle the Lannisters.
Theon: Hrm. No. Nothing matching that description is coming to mind.
Balon: *rolls eyes* Winterfell, Theon. Winterfell.
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