Davos Fucking Seaworth has joined the ranks of POV characters at last. He stands outside the castle at Dragonstone with hundreds of other men loyal to Stannis. There, they watch the Red Witch and Queen Selyse burn statues of the seven gods.
Allard Seaworth: Wow, this is MESSED UP.
Dale Seaworth: No kidding.
Davos: Shhh, my sons. Now is not the time or place to criticize this. Remember what I always taught you... speak ill of people behind their backs.
Melisandre: R'hllor, Lord of Light! Take these false gods of our enemies as a sacrifice to you and cast your light upon them! For the night is dark and full of terrors!
Queen Selyse: For the night is dark and full of terrors!
Stannis: Meh.
Davos: You know, these god statues were carved of wood from the ships that carried the first Targaryens from Valyria. I'm fairly sure that the statues were part of a protected UNESCO World Heritage site. This is pretty much exactly the same as when the Taliban dynamited those giant of Buddhas of Bamiyan.
A bunch of other lords watch the fire. Some of them show no emotion, while others are clearly disturbed by all of this too. Davos thinks about how the other Lords resent him for being risen up as a Lord too. But one day, after Stannis is victorious, his children and his children's children shall be recognized as true lords. And man does he have a lot of kids. In addition to Allard and Dale, he also has Maric, Matthos, Devan, Stannis and Steffon. His wife, Marya, must spend all day on her back, if you know what I mean!
Melisandre: For it is prophesied that after the long summer a star shall bleed and darkness will fall over the world. Then... Azor Ahai will be reborn and draw the burning sword Lightbringer from the fire and destroy the darkness! Azor Ahai... Azor Ahai! Step forward and claim your sword!
Stannis stands there.
Selyse: *nudge*nudge*
Stannis: Oh shit... that's supposed to be me, huh?
Stannis walks forward wearing a baseball mit and pulls the sword from the fire.
Stannis: OW! OW! OW! Hot potato! Hot potato!
Selyse and her men begin chanting in tongues. And by that I mean a quick "Google translate" version of Haitian Creole.
Selyse: Mwen reyèlman jwi Kraft makawoni ak fwomaj!
Melisandre: BEHOLD! BEHOLD! For it is Azor Ahai, risen again! And he holds Lightbringer!
The sword is near molten and in rough shape. All the wood from the handle is burned off. It's a slightly less-than-impressive display of a god-man and his magic sword born again.
Duram Bar Emmon: *whispering* I bet Stannis isn't even Azor Ahai! I think it's Dany.
Lord Monford Velaryon: *whispering back* Nah, I bet it's Jon Snow.
Stannis: Okay, whatever. I'm done with this. Come on, honey.
Stannis grabs his crazy wife and takes her back to the castle as the statues turn to ember and the fires slowly die down. Eventually, the Red Witch and others leave as well with the sword.
Allard: Hey, so what's up with these new banners that Stannis is flying? He's got a new logo or something? Now instead of the normal stag he has one surrounded by fire.
Davos: Yeah, one of those re-branding things. Like when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers got rid of that horrible "orange-cream winking fop with the feather in his cap" logo and moved to the "angry, red flag with the skull and crossbones" logo.
Dale: Oh yeah, that was a good change.
Later, Davos goes down to the port city at the bottom of Dragonstone and enters an inn. There, he finds Salladhor Saan eating grapes. Saan was his old business partner/pirate from his smuggling days.
Salladhor: Hey, one of my ships just got out of Kings Landing and reports that Tyrion Lannister is the new Hand of the King for Joffrey. Janos Slynt has also been kicked out.
Davos: How well is the city defended?
Salladhor: As you know... the walls are tall and strong, but the City Watch has too few men and are too poorly trained. We should strike at once! Then I can finally GET PAID like Stannis hasn't done in a while. Bitch owes me 30,000 gold dragons. Maybe as part of my payment I'll even take Queen Cersei to bed. That girl is FINE.
Davos: You'll get paid, I promise you that. Stannis is an honorable man and will keep his word.
Salladhor: Whatever. I've also received word that Renly's men are marching. And Renly has brought his wife with him.
Davos: Hahaha... WIFE? Did you say Renly's WIFE? Oh, that is RICH.
Salladhor: We must attack first, before Renly does! No waiting for this prophesy nonsense. It's not like anyone believes that was the real Lightbringer. That was a BURNT sword I saw, not a FLAMING sword.
Davos: GASP! Don't say that. You don't know what ears are listening here.
Salladhor: Whatever. You think I believe any of that display? I am from Lys, over in Essos. I know the REAL story of Lightbringer. Do you know the real story? When Azor Ahai tried to forge the sword again and again... he failed. Every time. Nothing he could do to temper the sword and make it strong actually worked. Until he decided that only the power of love could temper his sword. So you know what this cat did? Since Huey Lewis and the News hadn't been invented yet, he went to his wife, Nissa Nissa, and plunged the burning hot sword straight from the forge into her heart. It worked. He MURDERED HIS WIFE to create the perfect sword.
Davos: Wow, that is pretty hardcore. Too bad nobody told Stannis that part of the story because I bet he absolutely would have been up for doing that to that crazy bitch Selyse.
Salladhor: I just want to set sail and get my money. What a waste... burning those statues of the seven gods. They were worth a lot. I know a lot of good contacts who would have paid good money for some smuggled, irreplaceable cultural treasures like that. You know those things were UNESCO World Heritage protected, right?
Davos: Yeah, I had guessed that earlier, but thanks for confirming.
Davos then gets drunk because he's at an inn. Later, his son Devan arrives. Devan is the one who is a squire for Stannis. He comes with a summons from the King, so Davos heads out.
Before he can get to the Keep of Dragonstone, he runs into Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: Hey man, what did you think about burning those false gods? Pretty awesome, right? ALL HAIL THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Davos: Uhhm... I'll just be stepping around you now.
Davos passes Florent and goes into the room with the Painted Table of Westeros. There, Stannis is with Maester Pylos.
Stannis: Ah, there you are AT LAST! Look at this letter I'm sending out to the scum and tell me what you think.
Stannis pushes the message into Davos's chest.
Davos: Dude, are you messing with me? You know I can't read.
Stannis: Oh shit, right. I'm such a self-absorbed asshole that I forgot. Pylos, read this shit to him.
Pylos: *grumble*... Anyway, *ahem*... "Dear shitty and inferior peasants, I am Stannis Baratheon - the true born son of Steffon Baratheon, Lord of Storm's End and the TRUE king. My fat, dead, asshole brother left no children because he was a stupid moron with a whore wife who cheated on him with her own brother, Shitty Kingslayer. By right of birth I am the true heir that all you shitty peasants should worship. I claim the Iron Throne. This message is done in name of the Lord of Light who is the one true god despite the fact that all you feeble morons worship the wrong gods, under the sign and seal of MIGHTY and AWESOME Stannis of House Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. Amen."
Stannis: No, no, no! Pylos... add a "Ser" in front of "Shitty Kingslayer." Jaime Lannister is an anointed knight and we don't want to insult him.
Pylos: Yes, my King. It now says "Ser Shitty Kingslayer."
Stannis: So what do you think, Davos? Pretty good... amiright?
Davos: Uhhhhh... I actually think it could use a bit more tweaking. You know, maybe talk down to the people a little less.
Stannis: Fuck that, it's perfect. Pylos, send 1000 ravens out with the message so that it goes to every single damn town in the seven kingdoms.
Pylos: We only have 117 ravens, sire.
Stannis: Well shit. Then Davos, I'm going to need you to take pamphlets by boat all around the Kingdom and hand them out to the small, shitty poor scum people that live in filth and rags.
Davos: They can't read either, your grace.
Stannis: DAMN IT! What is wrong with you poor people? FINE. Take 100 knights with you and they can READ the message out to the crowds. And we can also send messages to Essos. I want the whole world to know the truth about Cersei and that little incest boy, Joffrey.
Davos: Pretty bold making that pronouncement without any proof.
Stannis: Proof? I got proof! His name is Edric Storm and he's at Storm's End. Robert's bastard child that looks just like him. Let the people see him and then see Joffrey next to him and everyone will KNOW that Joffrey ain't legit.
Davos: And if I might humbly add another suggestion to your message, your grace. Maybe cut out that "Lord of Light" shit since nobody in Westeros follows that.
Stannis: Who cares? These gods, those gods. They're all fake. I learned that the day my parents died at that Eyes Wide Shut-style sex yacht party. That High Septon always talks about justice coming from the gods. It comes from ME... the KING! But of the four kings who have declared themselves, I have the least men. But what I DO have is the Red Witch. She puts terror into the hearts of our enemies.
Pylos: She's also smokin' hot.
Davos: Fuck yeah she is. I hate her, but I can admit that.
Allard Seaworth: Wow, this is MESSED UP.
Dale Seaworth: No kidding.
Davos: Shhh, my sons. Now is not the time or place to criticize this. Remember what I always taught you... speak ill of people behind their backs.
Melisandre: R'hllor, Lord of Light! Take these false gods of our enemies as a sacrifice to you and cast your light upon them! For the night is dark and full of terrors!
Queen Selyse: For the night is dark and full of terrors!
Stannis: Meh.
Davos: You know, these god statues were carved of wood from the ships that carried the first Targaryens from Valyria. I'm fairly sure that the statues were part of a protected UNESCO World Heritage site. This is pretty much exactly the same as when the Taliban dynamited those giant of Buddhas of Bamiyan.
A bunch of other lords watch the fire. Some of them show no emotion, while others are clearly disturbed by all of this too. Davos thinks about how the other Lords resent him for being risen up as a Lord too. But one day, after Stannis is victorious, his children and his children's children shall be recognized as true lords. And man does he have a lot of kids. In addition to Allard and Dale, he also has Maric, Matthos, Devan, Stannis and Steffon. His wife, Marya, must spend all day on her back, if you know what I mean!
Melisandre: For it is prophesied that after the long summer a star shall bleed and darkness will fall over the world. Then... Azor Ahai will be reborn and draw the burning sword Lightbringer from the fire and destroy the darkness! Azor Ahai... Azor Ahai! Step forward and claim your sword!
Stannis stands there.
Selyse: *nudge*nudge*
Stannis: Oh shit... that's supposed to be me, huh?
Stannis walks forward wearing a baseball mit and pulls the sword from the fire.
Stannis: OW! OW! OW! Hot potato! Hot potato!
Selyse and her men begin chanting in tongues. And by that I mean a quick "Google translate" version of Haitian Creole.
Selyse: Mwen reyèlman jwi Kraft makawoni ak fwomaj!
Melisandre: BEHOLD! BEHOLD! For it is Azor Ahai, risen again! And he holds Lightbringer!
The sword is near molten and in rough shape. All the wood from the handle is burned off. It's a slightly less-than-impressive display of a god-man and his magic sword born again.
Duram Bar Emmon: *whispering* I bet Stannis isn't even Azor Ahai! I think it's Dany.
Lord Monford Velaryon: *whispering back* Nah, I bet it's Jon Snow.
Stannis: Okay, whatever. I'm done with this. Come on, honey.
Stannis grabs his crazy wife and takes her back to the castle as the statues turn to ember and the fires slowly die down. Eventually, the Red Witch and others leave as well with the sword.
Allard: Hey, so what's up with these new banners that Stannis is flying? He's got a new logo or something? Now instead of the normal stag he has one surrounded by fire.
Davos: Yeah, one of those re-branding things. Like when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers got rid of that horrible "orange-cream winking fop with the feather in his cap" logo and moved to the "angry, red flag with the skull and crossbones" logo.
Dale: Oh yeah, that was a good change.
Later, Davos goes down to the port city at the bottom of Dragonstone and enters an inn. There, he finds Salladhor Saan eating grapes. Saan was his old business partner/pirate from his smuggling days.
Salladhor: Hey, one of my ships just got out of Kings Landing and reports that Tyrion Lannister is the new Hand of the King for Joffrey. Janos Slynt has also been kicked out.
Davos: How well is the city defended?
Salladhor: As you know... the walls are tall and strong, but the City Watch has too few men and are too poorly trained. We should strike at once! Then I can finally GET PAID like Stannis hasn't done in a while. Bitch owes me 30,000 gold dragons. Maybe as part of my payment I'll even take Queen Cersei to bed. That girl is FINE.
Davos: You'll get paid, I promise you that. Stannis is an honorable man and will keep his word.
Salladhor: Whatever. I've also received word that Renly's men are marching. And Renly has brought his wife with him.
Davos: Hahaha... WIFE? Did you say Renly's WIFE? Oh, that is RICH.
Salladhor: We must attack first, before Renly does! No waiting for this prophesy nonsense. It's not like anyone believes that was the real Lightbringer. That was a BURNT sword I saw, not a FLAMING sword.
Davos: GASP! Don't say that. You don't know what ears are listening here.
Salladhor: Whatever. You think I believe any of that display? I am from Lys, over in Essos. I know the REAL story of Lightbringer. Do you know the real story? When Azor Ahai tried to forge the sword again and again... he failed. Every time. Nothing he could do to temper the sword and make it strong actually worked. Until he decided that only the power of love could temper his sword. So you know what this cat did? Since Huey Lewis and the News hadn't been invented yet, he went to his wife, Nissa Nissa, and plunged the burning hot sword straight from the forge into her heart. It worked. He MURDERED HIS WIFE to create the perfect sword.
Davos: Wow, that is pretty hardcore. Too bad nobody told Stannis that part of the story because I bet he absolutely would have been up for doing that to that crazy bitch Selyse.
Salladhor: I just want to set sail and get my money. What a waste... burning those statues of the seven gods. They were worth a lot. I know a lot of good contacts who would have paid good money for some smuggled, irreplaceable cultural treasures like that. You know those things were UNESCO World Heritage protected, right?
Davos: Yeah, I had guessed that earlier, but thanks for confirming.
Davos then gets drunk because he's at an inn. Later, his son Devan arrives. Devan is the one who is a squire for Stannis. He comes with a summons from the King, so Davos heads out.
Before he can get to the Keep of Dragonstone, he runs into Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: Hey man, what did you think about burning those false gods? Pretty awesome, right? ALL HAIL THE LORD OF LIGHT!
Davos: Uhhm... I'll just be stepping around you now.
Davos passes Florent and goes into the room with the Painted Table of Westeros. There, Stannis is with Maester Pylos.
Stannis: Ah, there you are AT LAST! Look at this letter I'm sending out to the scum and tell me what you think.
Stannis pushes the message into Davos's chest.
Davos: Dude, are you messing with me? You know I can't read.
Stannis: Oh shit, right. I'm such a self-absorbed asshole that I forgot. Pylos, read this shit to him.
Pylos: *grumble*... Anyway, *ahem*... "Dear shitty and inferior peasants, I am Stannis Baratheon - the true born son of Steffon Baratheon, Lord of Storm's End and the TRUE king. My fat, dead, asshole brother left no children because he was a stupid moron with a whore wife who cheated on him with her own brother, Shitty Kingslayer. By right of birth I am the true heir that all you shitty peasants should worship. I claim the Iron Throne. This message is done in name of the Lord of Light who is the one true god despite the fact that all you feeble morons worship the wrong gods, under the sign and seal of MIGHTY and AWESOME Stannis of House Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. Amen."
Stannis: No, no, no! Pylos... add a "Ser" in front of "Shitty Kingslayer." Jaime Lannister is an anointed knight and we don't want to insult him.
Pylos: Yes, my King. It now says "Ser Shitty Kingslayer."
Stannis: So what do you think, Davos? Pretty good... amiright?
Davos: Uhhhhh... I actually think it could use a bit more tweaking. You know, maybe talk down to the people a little less.
Stannis: Fuck that, it's perfect. Pylos, send 1000 ravens out with the message so that it goes to every single damn town in the seven kingdoms.
Pylos: We only have 117 ravens, sire.
Stannis: Well shit. Then Davos, I'm going to need you to take pamphlets by boat all around the Kingdom and hand them out to the small, shitty poor scum people that live in filth and rags.
Davos: They can't read either, your grace.
Stannis: DAMN IT! What is wrong with you poor people? FINE. Take 100 knights with you and they can READ the message out to the crowds. And we can also send messages to Essos. I want the whole world to know the truth about Cersei and that little incest boy, Joffrey.
Davos: Pretty bold making that pronouncement without any proof.
Stannis: Proof? I got proof! His name is Edric Storm and he's at Storm's End. Robert's bastard child that looks just like him. Let the people see him and then see Joffrey next to him and everyone will KNOW that Joffrey ain't legit.
Davos: And if I might humbly add another suggestion to your message, your grace. Maybe cut out that "Lord of Light" shit since nobody in Westeros follows that.
Stannis: Who cares? These gods, those gods. They're all fake. I learned that the day my parents died at that Eyes Wide Shut-style sex yacht party. That High Septon always talks about justice coming from the gods. It comes from ME... the KING! But of the four kings who have declared themselves, I have the least men. But what I DO have is the Red Witch. She puts terror into the hearts of our enemies.
Pylos: She's also smokin' hot.
Davos: Fuck yeah she is. I hate her, but I can admit that.
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