Thursday, January 11, 2018

ACoK 14: Arya IV

Arya, who is pretty much the main character of this book it seems now, is resting along a peaceful river. 

Arya: Ah, my time heading north has been super hectic. Finally, a chance to  have a wonderful, peaceful chapter which is just rest and relaxation. Nothing terrible will happen at all!

Koss: Hey everyone, check out what I found! The decomposing body of a solider floating in the river. The same river we've been drinking from.

Arya: Crap. I'm going to have dysentery now.

Yoren: Dobber, search the body for valuables. Because the most respectful thing to do when finding a rotting body is to steal from it. Koss, Woth and Gerren, join me as we search up and down the river to look for a crossing.

Arya: Ugh, who are all these characters? Will I have to remember them all?

No, she won't. 

As Arya waits while the others search for a river crossing, she sees Lommy and Hot Pie play in the river mud. You know, the same river that just had a dead body floating in it.  She also sees Kurz fishing in the river, trying to catch a fish with his bare hands. 

Arya: That's not to be easier than catching cats. I bet I could do that.

Everyone comes back from their river crossing investigation but no luck. The only sign of a crossing was the ruins an old bridge that some soldiers must have burned down.

Gendry: Let's attempt to ford the river!

They attempt to ford the river, but lose 3 sets of clothing, 1204 bullets, 1 wagon wheel, 230lbs of food, 4 oxen, and three people drown. 

Gendry: What the hell?! This river was only three feet deep! That doesn't even make sense.

Yoren: Well, let me draw a map in the mud here and talk about our remaining options. With no crossing... we can't go west because that's back to the Kingsroad. Going south is just stupid. So the only way to go left to us is north to the lake, which means we'd have to hire a boat that will take us across it. But accross the river is Harrenhal, which seems like a pretty safe place to go, right?

Harrenhal is actually not safe. It is, in fact, the new Lannister Headquarters. However, as the 24/7 news cycle and Twitter does not exist yet in Westeros, how the hell is Yoren supposed to know that?

Hot Pie: Harrenhal has ghosts in it! AGHH! I'm scared!

Yoren: Shut your ass up.

And so they head north to look for a village to hire a ferryman. There they find a completely abandoned town and everything seems just a bit off. Yoren grows increasingly suspicious and has a group of recruits guard the wagons while some others head off to scout what's happening around the area. Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy, and Woth are ordered to go search for some boats.

Arya: Ugh, no boats here anywhere. Just one rotten one. I guess whenever these people fled, they took all their boats with them.

Gendry: Does anybody have some Flex Seal©? Haven't you seen those Flex Seal© infomercials?

Hot Pie: Yeah! That dude made a boat using a SCREEN DOOR as the boat's bottom and he was still able to float it, using Flex Seal© on the screen door.

Lommy: I bet if we had some Flex Seal©, we'd easily be able to fix up that rotten boat and float it away.

Gendry: It's too bad that Flex Seal© doesn't exist here in Westeros in 299AC. Because if it did, I could order it for $12.99 and all our problems would be solved.

Woth: BUT WAIT! I hear if you order one can of Flex Seal© for $12.99 within the next twenty minutes, that you'll get a SECOND can of Flex Seal© for free!

Lommy: Just pay an added processing and handling fee?

Woth: That's right!

Arya: I hate all of you.

Hot Pie: Maybe we should search around the town looking for food. I'm hungry.

Arya: You're always hungry.

Woth: No searching for food. We need to stick to Yoren's orders to find a boat.

So they keep looking, but have no luck. Arya stares at the lake and wonders if she could just swim back to Winterfell. Obviously she has a really, really poor sense of geography and vastly overestimates her endurance.

After night falls, Yoren comes back and they brief him on the boat situation.

Yoren: Well, what about that rotten boat? Could you use some  Flex Seal© on it?

Gendry: That's what I said! Unfortunately... that is apparently not a thing that exists in this fantasy universe.

Yoren: Lame.

Gendry: We could attempt to caulk the wagons and float them! Or pay an Indian guide.

Yoren: Damnit, Gendry. After that whole "fording the river" idea, we're not listening to you any more. Anyway, let's just stay in the holdfast of this abandoned town for the night. It has high walls and a good defensive position, so we'll be safe.

Arya: Well, it's obviously not THAT safe, since the people who lived here either all ran away or were murdered.

Lommy: What's wrong, Arry? Scared?

Yoren: Shut up, Lommy. Arry's reasoning is right. But the people who lived here must have been on one side or the other. We in the Night's Watch take no sides, so we should be left alone.

He says,as they have specifically been sneaking around and avoiding heavily-trafficked areas because he knows for a fact that they are not safe and they will not be left alone. 

They take up in the holdfast and Yoren orders some of the recruits to stand watch. There are a couple of geese and chickens running around the abandoned town, and Arya draws kitchen duty. She helps to pluck the animals of feathers after Koss brings them in. Gendry takes his shirt off and cuts woods to ready for a cooking fire. Arya stares and licks her lips. It's just like Mulan where she has to try hard to suppress her desires because she's pretending to be a boy. 

Arya: HEY! Stop calling me out.

They eat quietly and try to go to sleep that night. But Arya can't sleep and instead borrows Yoren's whetstone to sharpen Needle.

Hot Pie: Hey Arry, I know I asked you this before when we were enemies, but now that we're friends, can you tell me where you got that awesome sword from?

Arya: My brother gave it to me.

Hot Pie: I never knew you had brothers.

Arya: I have a lot of them.

Hot Pie: Older or younger?

Arya: All older. And they taught me a lot of things. Like how to stab people to death when they annoy me while I'm sharpening my sword.

Hot Pie slowly backs away, taking the hint. 

But Arya's annoyance isn't over yet. Now that crying girl they rescued previously is crying again. So annoying.  Eventually, Arya drifts to sleep but is awoken by what she thinks is the sound of a howling wolf. 

Arya: NYMERIA?!

Lommy: Shut up and go back to sleep.

Arya: I heard a wolf!

Lommy: No you didn't. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. That's me in the corner. That's me in the spot...light, losing my--

A hunting horn sounds. 

Hot Pie: AGH! What was that?

Arya: Yoren told Kurz to sound the hunting horn if he saw anyone coming! Oh no.

Everyone gets dressed and begins to arm themselves. Arya rushes through the holdfast's barn towards the gate where she passes by the caged wagon full of the three prisoners. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A boy would be good if he were to open this cage! A boy would have three more people to help him fight!

Arya: Like I'm falling for that shit.

Arya keeps on going and climbs up to the parapet of the holdfast to take a look. Outside, she sees a hundred or so men setting fire to the town. 

A column of riders approach the holdfast. Arya thinks their banners might be red, but can't tell in the darkness and the smoke. Let's just call them Lannisters for the sake of argument. 

Lannister Rider: OPEN THE GATE! OPEN THE GATE IN THE NAME OF THE KING!

Reysen: Which king? Hahaha!

Yes, Reysen is another character who doesn't matter. GRRM doesn't even bother to say whether he lives through this chapter or not.

Yoren: We ain't opening up shit! We're innocent men of the Night's Watch. The townspeople have fled here. I'm simply taking my recruits up to Castle Black.

Lannister Rider: How do we know you're telling the truth if you don't open the gate and let us in to make sure? You could be one of Beric Dondarrion's men and Thoros of Myr could be hiding in there with you.

Yoren: Nope. Here. Look at my coat. Black. See? We're wearing black because we're the Night's Watch.

Other Lannister Rider: Well, Dondarrion's colors are also black. Everyone has a black coat anyway. Black goes with everything and is always fashionable. I heard Zac Posen say so. So that doesn't prove anything.

Lannister Rider: Oooh. Zac Posen? The Creative Director for Brooks Brothers? I'd take his word at face value!

Arya: Hrm... Dondarrion. Dondarrion. Where do I remember that name from? Oh right! It was the guy who Jeyne Poole had that big crush on and who my father sent out to hunt down The Mountain. These guys must be Lannisters!

Lannister Rider: Open the gate or you will all be pronounced as outlaws!

Yoren: Who the hell are you? What authority do you have to declare a sworn brother of the Night's Watch as an outlaw?

One of the Lannister Riders raises his helm's mask. 

Amory Lorch: I am Ser Amory Lorch, bannerman to Lord Tywin Lannister. I order you in the name of the TRUE king, Joffrey Baratheon, First of his Name.

Yoren: Are you supposed to be an important character or something?

Amory Lorch: I and the Mountain were involved in the killing of those Targaryen kids, so yeah. I think I'm fairly important. 

Yoren: Just leave us alone. We're not your enemies.

Gendry: Why do these guys want to come in? Surely they can tell we're not nobles or knights or any threat to them.

Arya: I don't think they care. They just want to kill us. I mean look at that guy. You can see the crazy in his eyes.

Amory Lorch: *eye twitch*

Gendry: Damn, you're right.

Amory Lorch: Okay, I'm giving you until the count of three before we begin the battle and come in there to kill you all.

Yoren: We have boys in here! Recruits for the Night's Watch. Would you murder boys?

Amory Lorch: I mean, uh, yeah. I totally would. *ahem*... ONE... TWO...

One of the Lannister men throws a spear. It hits Woth and blood flies everywhere. 

Yoren: HEY! You said until the count of THREE! That was only two.

Amory Lorch: *shrugs*... ATTACK!!!!

Woth: *gurgling blood*... I just... wish... I... wish... Flex Seal©... could have been... been... inven... invented before I... d...d--

Woth dies. 

The battle begins. Spears and torches are launched by the Lannister soldiers up at the holdfast. Yoren commands his recruits to spread out among the parapets and hold the wall. Hot Pie panics and runs around in circles, having no idea how to fight.

Arya: Loser. This is how you do it. ... FOR WINTERFELL!!!!!

Arya shouts and starts slashing and hitting at all the hands that are coming up the parapets. The Lannisters don't have siege ladders, but the walls are rough and somewhat easy to climb.  Hot Pie sees what Arya is doing and follows her example. Some guy sticks his hands up on the top of the wall and Hot Pie swings his sword. It cuts the dude's fingers clean off and he falls down backwards. 

Hot Pie: OH MAN! I can't believe I just did that.

But there is no end to the foes. They just keep coming. Yoren stabs a guy in the face and Koss, a bowman, shoots down four Lannisters. Dobber wrestles a Lannister soldier down to the ground while Lommy comes up to assist by bashing the Lannister's head in with a club until it's a bloody mess. 

Lommy: Great job, Dobber! High five for teamwork!

Dobber: ...

Lommy looks at Dobber and sees that the Lannister soldier's blade is sticking in his stomach. Dobber is DEAD AF. 

Lommy: AGHHHH!!!!

Some recruit named Qyle begs for mercy, only to have his head crushed by a mace. The place smells like blood, fire, piss and fear. Arya joins Gendry and Hot Pie to wrestle a Lannister to the ground. Gendry breaks his sword on the man's shield, but Arya and Hot Pie group up to kill him. Arya almost feels sorry for the poor bastard. Almost. 

Gendry takes the dead man's sword but they continue to be surrounded. More and more Lannisters are getting in. 

Yoren: Okay, we need to get out of here. The battle is lost! Retreat! Retreat!

They begin to flee. But Lommy and Gerren with serious wounds. They can barely limp away. The crying girl won't move either, so Arya just drags her annoying ass.

The retreat back to the barn, which is a pretty bad idea since the barn is ON FIRE. But it's also a good idea because under the barn is a secret escape/hiding tunnel. Had I not mentioned that before? Well, there is one. 

Hot Pie: Just leave that stupid crying girl, Arry. She's going to slow you down and you'll get killed before you get to the tunnel.

Gendry: Here, I'll help.

Gendry grabs the girl and does a fireman's carry. Arya licks her lips again. 

Arya: STOP THAT, NARRATOR!

Inside the barn, it feels like a furnace. Those three prisoners are still in the wagon too. 

Biter: *biting noises*

Rorge: AGH! GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Jaqen H'ghar: A man would prefer not to burn to death. A boy would be good if he were to help a man.

Arya: Hrm, maybe I should save them.

Gendry: What? The prisoners? The ones so dangerous we have to keep them in a cage? I'd sooner save the farm animals running around than them. If you let those guys guy, I bet they'll go around murdering everyone in the countryside.

Arya runs and gets an axe anyway. She sees Koss yield to a Lannister solider but get killed anyway. There is no sign of Yoren anywhere. She finds the axe and runs back to the barn. She throws it into the cage and Rorge catches it. 

She dives into the secret escape hole of the barn as she hears the cage shatter.  But now she's underground in darkness. She begins crawling through the tunnel and only gets a few feet before she feels the vibration of the entire burning barn collapse on top of her.

She tastes the mud in her mouth as she lays down in the tunnel. 

Arya: Well, this sucks. 

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