An emergency meeting of the Small Council begins, as stunning word hits Kings Landing that Renly Baratheon is dead.
Varys: Holy shit, people. Not even my birds saw this coming. They cut this boy's throat like soft cheese.
Littlefinger is in the middle of eating Camembert, but puts it down.
Littlefinger: Thanks for the analogy, asshole. Now my appetite is ruined.
Tyrion: So who did this shit?
Varys: Accounts differ. Some say it was this ugly woman that was part of Renly's Rainbow Kingsguard. Some say it was a spurned lover. Some say it was Lady Cat Stark. Some say it was Stannis with a magical sword. Some say it was some kind of smoke monster.
Cersei: You mean like on Lost?
Varys: I guess.
Tyrion: Well, how are we supposed to believe any of it is true at all with all these different accounts?
Varys: On that I am certain. Renly is dead. How is the only confusion.
Tyrion: Joffrey won't be happy. He was saving a spike here for Renly's head and now his sick ass will be deprived of that. I'm not happy either. I wanted Renly and Stannis to get into a long war with one another. Now their forces will likely all fall behind Stannis and we'll have a bigger threat to face.
Varys: Well, not ALL of the forces. While most of Renly's bannermen have joined Stannis, some have not. The Tarleys and Tyrells, for instance. They say Loras Tyrell flipped his shit when he learned that Renly was dead. He murdered three of his fellow Rainbow Guards, including Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce. He then rode off to Bitterbridge, most likely to meet up with his sister --Renly's Queen, Margaery.
Tyrion: Damn. Didn't Yohn Royce already lose his son Waymar in the prologue to A Game of Thrones? This guy just had another one of his sons, Robar, killed. Talk about bad luck, nothing goes this man's way.
Varys: And Ser Cortnay Penrose still holds Storm's End on behalf of Renly. He refuses to turn the castle over to Stannis without proof of Renly's body.
Tyrion: Well, it is good news that the Tyrells haven't joined Stannis. Maybe we can win them to our side.
Cersei: Why would they want to join us? They probably hate us more than they hate Stannis.
Littlefinger: Well, I am the Master of Coin. I can always pay them to love us.
Tyrion: Maybe lesser lords would be susceptible to bribery, Baelish. But the Tyrells are already hella rich from all that dot-com money they made when they sold all their AOL stock before the bubble burst. We'll need more than gold to win over Highgarden. We'll need to give them something that gives them pride and bragging rights. What about a marriage alliance with Joffrey? That Margaery girl is... what?... 15? 16? Sure, a little older than Joffrey but at least her womb is fertile. Joff can start working on her and making her pop out babies instantly.
Cersei: WHAT?! But Joffrey is already betrothed to Sansa Stark!
Tyrion: Who cares? That marriage alliance meant something when Ned was alive and the Starks were our allies. A marriage between Joff and Sansa is worthless now.
Cersei: But Joffrey so loves that girl! And he's not interested in having babies yet. He's just a boy.
Tyrion: You think 13 year old boys aren't interested in sex? Hahahaha, oh man, Cersei. That is the ONLY thing they are interested in. And does he "love" Sansa? Can a sociopath really love anyone? I'll tell you what though - I caught him having Boros Blount cut off Sansa's clothes to humiliate her while he got off on it. Is that love? This Margaery girl is supposed to be cute. He'll be just as pleased with her.
Littlefinger: The Hand speaks true, Queen Cersei. While Sansa's soft, delicate, supple body that looks just like her hot mother's body when she was her age is certainly sweet, Margaery is lovely and beddable now. And while Sansa brings only that smokin' jailbait, ginger, spinner body of hers... the Tyrell girl also brings with her 50,000 swords as well as those awesome Tyrell Corportation Replicants for off-world labor.
Tyrion: Littlefinger, you are SO FUCKING GROSS when describing Sansa, you creeper.
Littlefinger: Oh, don't worry. The gross-ness between me and Sansa is just getting started. It gets worse from here. Much worse.
Tyrion: The bottom line is, I think Joff just needs to get laid. Maybe he'll find that he likes relieving his stress that way even more than by killing things.
Tyrion and Varys then head nod to each other. Tyrion has been plotting to get Joffrey to Chataya's brothel, but it's been tough with the Hound always around.
Varys: And even if the King does love this Sansa girl, he must understand that the needs of the realm come before his own desires. A marriage alliance with Highgarden is quite sensible.
Cersei: Joffrey is the KING. Why should he want Renly's sloppy seconds?
Tyrion: And the king is a boy not yet old enough to rule on his own. He should do as the Hand, that's me, and the Regent, that's you, command him to.
Cersei grumbles. She wants to argue, but Tyrion is absolutely right.
Tyrion: SO THEN! If it's settled... now we need to send someone to deliver our offer to the Tyrells. It needs to be someone super high-ranking and important to show them that we mean business. But it can't be one of us Lannisters, because if they don't mean to make peace with us then we'll likely be taken hostage.
Littlefinger: Hey, I'll do it!
Tyrion is suspicious. I mean why WOULDN'T he be? This is Littlefinger, after all.
Tyrion: I mean... you do fit the bill of the level of person we need to send to show that we are serious. But I still have a bad feeling about it.
Littlefinger: What? Why?
Tyrion: I dunno. It's just, like, what if we send you as an emissary to the Tyrells and then you just wind up using this as an opportunity to engage in some nefarious plot with Lady Olenna Tyrell to poison Joffrey at his wedding feast?
Littlefinger: *sweats nervously* ...Look, all I'm saying is give me 100 gold cloaks as an escort, and also our hostages, Horas and Hobber Redwyne. The Redwynes are loyal to Margaery's father, Mace Tyrell. It will be a sign of friendship to return them. We also need to bring plenty of horses and gold to help out with the deal, as well as a written copy of the deal to show we mean business.
Everyone looks at each other. Littlefinger's plan makes a lot of sense. Eventually, they all nod and agree thinking the chances that Littlefinger will betray them and plot with the Tyrells to murder Joffrey with poison at his wedding is SUPER low.
Littlefinger: Great, have Varys write the terms down on paper and I'll be off in the morning. We've got to get to the Tyrells before anyone else. And I do expect a great reward for all my services in doing this. *cackles like super villain*
And with that, everybody heads out except for Cersei and Tyrion.
Cersei: So how's that giant chain you're building going, brother?
Tyrion: Pretty good, pretty good. But not quite finished yet. We should thank Cortnay Penrose for holding onto Storm's End. If he had just given it up to Stannis, then Stannis might already be marching towards us. But all we need is another two weeks or so, and our defenses will be as planned.
Cersei: Oh brother, I thank you so much for everything you're doing to help defend this city and advise Joffrey. You're just a good brother and uncle!
Cersei then kisses Tyrion and walks away.
Tyrion: Oh wow. That bitch is being NICE to me? Something must be up and she's plotting some shit. I just KNOW IT.
Varys: Holy shit, people. Not even my birds saw this coming. They cut this boy's throat like soft cheese.
Littlefinger is in the middle of eating Camembert, but puts it down.
Littlefinger: Thanks for the analogy, asshole. Now my appetite is ruined.
Tyrion: So who did this shit?
Varys: Accounts differ. Some say it was this ugly woman that was part of Renly's Rainbow Kingsguard. Some say it was a spurned lover. Some say it was Lady Cat Stark. Some say it was Stannis with a magical sword. Some say it was some kind of smoke monster.
Cersei: You mean like on Lost?
Varys: I guess.
Tyrion: Well, how are we supposed to believe any of it is true at all with all these different accounts?
Varys: On that I am certain. Renly is dead. How is the only confusion.
Tyrion: Joffrey won't be happy. He was saving a spike here for Renly's head and now his sick ass will be deprived of that. I'm not happy either. I wanted Renly and Stannis to get into a long war with one another. Now their forces will likely all fall behind Stannis and we'll have a bigger threat to face.
Varys: Well, not ALL of the forces. While most of Renly's bannermen have joined Stannis, some have not. The Tarleys and Tyrells, for instance. They say Loras Tyrell flipped his shit when he learned that Renly was dead. He murdered three of his fellow Rainbow Guards, including Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce. He then rode off to Bitterbridge, most likely to meet up with his sister --Renly's Queen, Margaery.
Tyrion: Damn. Didn't Yohn Royce already lose his son Waymar in the prologue to A Game of Thrones? This guy just had another one of his sons, Robar, killed. Talk about bad luck, nothing goes this man's way.
Varys: And Ser Cortnay Penrose still holds Storm's End on behalf of Renly. He refuses to turn the castle over to Stannis without proof of Renly's body.
Tyrion: Well, it is good news that the Tyrells haven't joined Stannis. Maybe we can win them to our side.
Cersei: Why would they want to join us? They probably hate us more than they hate Stannis.
Littlefinger: Well, I am the Master of Coin. I can always pay them to love us.
Tyrion: Maybe lesser lords would be susceptible to bribery, Baelish. But the Tyrells are already hella rich from all that dot-com money they made when they sold all their AOL stock before the bubble burst. We'll need more than gold to win over Highgarden. We'll need to give them something that gives them pride and bragging rights. What about a marriage alliance with Joffrey? That Margaery girl is... what?... 15? 16? Sure, a little older than Joffrey but at least her womb is fertile. Joff can start working on her and making her pop out babies instantly.
Cersei: WHAT?! But Joffrey is already betrothed to Sansa Stark!
Tyrion: Who cares? That marriage alliance meant something when Ned was alive and the Starks were our allies. A marriage between Joff and Sansa is worthless now.
Cersei: But Joffrey so loves that girl! And he's not interested in having babies yet. He's just a boy.
Tyrion: You think 13 year old boys aren't interested in sex? Hahahaha, oh man, Cersei. That is the ONLY thing they are interested in. And does he "love" Sansa? Can a sociopath really love anyone? I'll tell you what though - I caught him having Boros Blount cut off Sansa's clothes to humiliate her while he got off on it. Is that love? This Margaery girl is supposed to be cute. He'll be just as pleased with her.
Littlefinger: The Hand speaks true, Queen Cersei. While Sansa's soft, delicate, supple body that looks just like her hot mother's body when she was her age is certainly sweet, Margaery is lovely and beddable now. And while Sansa brings only that smokin' jailbait, ginger, spinner body of hers... the Tyrell girl also brings with her 50,000 swords as well as those awesome Tyrell Corportation Replicants for off-world labor.
Tyrion: Littlefinger, you are SO FUCKING GROSS when describing Sansa, you creeper.
Littlefinger: Oh, don't worry. The gross-ness between me and Sansa is just getting started. It gets worse from here. Much worse.
Tyrion: The bottom line is, I think Joff just needs to get laid. Maybe he'll find that he likes relieving his stress that way even more than by killing things.
Tyrion and Varys then head nod to each other. Tyrion has been plotting to get Joffrey to Chataya's brothel, but it's been tough with the Hound always around.
Varys: And even if the King does love this Sansa girl, he must understand that the needs of the realm come before his own desires. A marriage alliance with Highgarden is quite sensible.
Cersei: Joffrey is the KING. Why should he want Renly's sloppy seconds?
Tyrion: And the king is a boy not yet old enough to rule on his own. He should do as the Hand, that's me, and the Regent, that's you, command him to.
Cersei grumbles. She wants to argue, but Tyrion is absolutely right.
Tyrion: SO THEN! If it's settled... now we need to send someone to deliver our offer to the Tyrells. It needs to be someone super high-ranking and important to show them that we mean business. But it can't be one of us Lannisters, because if they don't mean to make peace with us then we'll likely be taken hostage.
Littlefinger: Hey, I'll do it!
Tyrion is suspicious. I mean why WOULDN'T he be? This is Littlefinger, after all.
Tyrion: I mean... you do fit the bill of the level of person we need to send to show that we are serious. But I still have a bad feeling about it.
Littlefinger: What? Why?
Tyrion: I dunno. It's just, like, what if we send you as an emissary to the Tyrells and then you just wind up using this as an opportunity to engage in some nefarious plot with Lady Olenna Tyrell to poison Joffrey at his wedding feast?
Littlefinger: *sweats nervously* ...Look, all I'm saying is give me 100 gold cloaks as an escort, and also our hostages, Horas and Hobber Redwyne. The Redwynes are loyal to Margaery's father, Mace Tyrell. It will be a sign of friendship to return them. We also need to bring plenty of horses and gold to help out with the deal, as well as a written copy of the deal to show we mean business.
Everyone looks at each other. Littlefinger's plan makes a lot of sense. Eventually, they all nod and agree thinking the chances that Littlefinger will betray them and plot with the Tyrells to murder Joffrey with poison at his wedding is SUPER low.
Littlefinger: Great, have Varys write the terms down on paper and I'll be off in the morning. We've got to get to the Tyrells before anyone else. And I do expect a great reward for all my services in doing this. *cackles like super villain*
And with that, everybody heads out except for Cersei and Tyrion.
Cersei: So how's that giant chain you're building going, brother?
Tyrion: Pretty good, pretty good. But not quite finished yet. We should thank Cortnay Penrose for holding onto Storm's End. If he had just given it up to Stannis, then Stannis might already be marching towards us. But all we need is another two weeks or so, and our defenses will be as planned.
Cersei: Oh brother, I thank you so much for everything you're doing to help defend this city and advise Joffrey. You're just a good brother and uncle!
Cersei then kisses Tyrion and walks away.
Tyrion: Oh wow. That bitch is being NICE to me? Something must be up and she's plotting some shit. I just KNOW IT.
No comments:
Post a Comment