Beyond the Mud Gate, Tyrion Lannister charges into the battle. Close by his side are Mandy Moore, Balon Swann, and Podrick.
Tyrion: Pod?! Get the hell out of here! You're just a squire. You shouldn't be fighting!
Pod: No, ser. Wherever you go. I'm going with you.
Tyrion: Well, okay. I guess you're going to die then.
Mandy Moore: Haha, no way am I going to die though. Everybody loves Mandy Moore! If anyone is dying this chapter, it's you, Tyrion. Heh heh heh.
Tyrion: Wow, that was pretty cryptic. Anyway! ATTACK!
Tyrion and his charging forces assault the Stannis-aligned soldiers who are trying to to use the battering ram to get further into the city. A bloody battle occurs down in the river, and everything starts to go into slow motion.
Tyrion: Oh wow. This must be that "battle fever" that Jamie always talks about. The battle slows down. Blood rushes to your head. Adrenaline kicks in.
Tyrion kills people left and right, in slow motion. It's really cool. A lot cooler visually than in text, but you get it.
Having slow motion on their side, the Lannister forces win. Tyrion looks around and sees fire everywhere, understanding why the Hound was so freaked out.
Soldiers: HOORAY! HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!
Tyrion: Wow, where did the soldiers learn that cheer from? I guess from my Vale Clansmen, huh?
Pod: Yes, while the book strongly implies that... I'd also like to remind you that in your speech to inspire them to charge with you, you also specifically referred to yourself as "Half Man" in an attempt to shame them. So it could have been that too.
Tyrion: Ah, right.
Balon Swann: Look! Over there, Tyrion! Enemy soldiers are swarming off of that ship!
Tyrion: You're right! All those broken ships by the pier have turned into a sort of ad-hoc bridge that leads their forces right to land. Those are some brave men. LET'S GO KILL THEM!
And so they attack again, with Tyrion once more leading the charge. As his horse charges forward, he's unseated and takes the battle to the ground. Or, uh, water. I guess. It's not that deep though. But he does lose his axe.
Tyrion: Oh no! My beloved axe! Still, I need to keep fighting.
He grabs another weapon and keeps going. He climbs up onto the unstable wreckage of the ships rather than wading in the water. He sees Balon and Mandy up on the wreckage too, fighting Stannis's men too. That is, until a giant rock hurdled from a catapult in the city crashes into the boat wreckage and tips it over. Everyone sinks back into the water again.
Tyrion gets confused and turned around as he swims out of the water and to the shore.
Tyrion: AGH, DAMN IT! Where am I? Why is the fighting on the wrong side of the river now? No... wait... that's the right side. I'm on the wrong side. What the hell?!
It takes him a few moments to get his directions straight again. He takes his battle helmet off to get a breath of fresh air.
Voice: Tyrion! Tyrion! HELP! HELP!
Tyrion: Oh snap. Who's that?
Mandy: It's me. Mandy Moore! Help! Grab my hand! I'm drowning.
Tyrion: Oh, okay. I guess I can help you. The water doesn't look that deep though.
Mandy reaches out his left hand to Tyrion to pull him out of the water, with his right hand behind his back.
Tyrion: Wait. Aren't you a righty? Something doesn't seem ri--
Mandy Moore's right hand bursts out of the water with his sword in it, and he swings it towards Tyrion's face. At the last minute, Tyrion dodges it. But he wasn't fast enough to miss the entire blade.
Moore's sword slices most of Tyrion's nose clean off.
Tyrion: AGHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE TV SHOW!
Yes, in the TV show Tyrion just gets that big scar, that makes him all battle-hardened-looking. But now for the rest of the book series, Tyrion has no nose anymore. He looks hideous.
Tyrion: THIS IS TERRIBLE! AGHHH!!!
Tyrion's mouth fills with blood from his leaking face. Does it hurt? You bet your ass it does. He falls back into the water, choking on his own blood.
Mandy Moore: Now, to finish the job!
Mandy splashes through the water after him and finally grabs him. Just as he's about to deliver the finishing blow...
Mandy Moore: AGGHHH!!!!!!
Someone shoves Mandy Moore deep into the river. He drowns in his heavy armor and dies.
Tyrion: My savior! Why... it must be... Jaime!!!
Pod: No. It was me.
Tyrion: Podrick Payne? Really?
Pod: Yep.
Tyrion: Oh. Wow. Thanks.
Pod: You look rough, man. You're hurt pretty bad.
Tyrion: Well yeah. Mandy Moore cut my nose off. Why the hell did he do that?
Pod: *shrugs* It's never explained.
Tyrion: What? NEVER? Did Cersei order it? Did Joffrey? Did Littlefinger? Was he acting on his own? Did he momentarily get confused and think I was Christina Aguilera?
Pod: I dunno, ser. Like I said, GRRM never bothers to actually explain it or give an answer.
Tyrion: Geez, that sucks.
Meanwhile... at the bottom of the River...
Fish: Oh look, it's Mandy Moore. Sing us a song, Mandy Moore! Sing "Sweetest Sin!"
Dead Mandy Moore: First of all, that was a Jessica Simpson song, asshole. Second, I'm not that Mandy Moore.
Other Fish: Tell us spoilers from This Is Us!
Dead Mandy Moore: I repeat... I am NOT that Mandy Moore.
Fish: So, why did you try to kill Tyrion?
Dead Mandy Moore: Now that I'm dead, I'll never tell.
Other Fish: I bet it was Cersei! She paid you, right? She hates Tyrion and wants him dead. She thinks he's plotting to kill Joffrey. The books strongly imply that Tyrion THINKS it's her. But he never gets proof.
Fish: It could be. Although Joffrey could have wanted Tyrion dead himself. And the TV show strongly implies that Tyrion THINKS it's him. But he never gets proof.
Other Fish: What about Littlefinger? Mandy Moore doesn't have much backstory, but what little we do know about him indicates that he's from the Vale. He came with Jon Arryn. And Littlefinger also comes from that general area and came at about the same time. They might have some unexplained back story. Plus Littlefinger clearly attempts to set up Tyrion in the next book. Littlefinger also framed Tyrion as the catspaw assassin. Although his motive is unclear, Baelish clearly wants Tyrion out of the way.
Fish: True, but Littlefinger is away right now, trying to recruit the Tyrells to the Lannister cause. Logistically, it would be somewhat difficult for him to give that order to Mandy. You mentioned that Mandy was from the Vale, right?
Other Fish: Yes, I did.
Fish: And remember how Tyrion had that trial by combat in the Vale? And Bronn took his place to kill Ser Vardis Egen?
Other Fish: Right. Who could forget? That was a great chapter!
Fish: Well, maybe since Vardis and Mandy are both knights from the Vale they were friends or something. Maybe Mandy isn't doing this for anyone. Maybe he really just hates Tyrion for killing his friend.
Other Fish: COME ON, DEAD MANDY! JUST TELL US ALREADY!
Dead Mandy Moore: Nope. I'm dead.
The fish then eat his eyeballs.
Tyrion: Pod?! Get the hell out of here! You're just a squire. You shouldn't be fighting!
Pod: No, ser. Wherever you go. I'm going with you.
Tyrion: Well, okay. I guess you're going to die then.
Mandy Moore: Haha, no way am I going to die though. Everybody loves Mandy Moore! If anyone is dying this chapter, it's you, Tyrion. Heh heh heh.
Tyrion: Wow, that was pretty cryptic. Anyway! ATTACK!
Tyrion and his charging forces assault the Stannis-aligned soldiers who are trying to to use the battering ram to get further into the city. A bloody battle occurs down in the river, and everything starts to go into slow motion.
Tyrion: Oh wow. This must be that "battle fever" that Jamie always talks about. The battle slows down. Blood rushes to your head. Adrenaline kicks in.
Tyrion kills people left and right, in slow motion. It's really cool. A lot cooler visually than in text, but you get it.
Having slow motion on their side, the Lannister forces win. Tyrion looks around and sees fire everywhere, understanding why the Hound was so freaked out.
Soldiers: HOORAY! HALFMAN! HALFMAN! HALFMAN!
Tyrion: Wow, where did the soldiers learn that cheer from? I guess from my Vale Clansmen, huh?
Pod: Yes, while the book strongly implies that... I'd also like to remind you that in your speech to inspire them to charge with you, you also specifically referred to yourself as "Half Man" in an attempt to shame them. So it could have been that too.
Tyrion: Ah, right.
Balon Swann: Look! Over there, Tyrion! Enemy soldiers are swarming off of that ship!
Tyrion: You're right! All those broken ships by the pier have turned into a sort of ad-hoc bridge that leads their forces right to land. Those are some brave men. LET'S GO KILL THEM!
And so they attack again, with Tyrion once more leading the charge. As his horse charges forward, he's unseated and takes the battle to the ground. Or, uh, water. I guess. It's not that deep though. But he does lose his axe.
Tyrion: Oh no! My beloved axe! Still, I need to keep fighting.
He grabs another weapon and keeps going. He climbs up onto the unstable wreckage of the ships rather than wading in the water. He sees Balon and Mandy up on the wreckage too, fighting Stannis's men too. That is, until a giant rock hurdled from a catapult in the city crashes into the boat wreckage and tips it over. Everyone sinks back into the water again.
Tyrion gets confused and turned around as he swims out of the water and to the shore.
Tyrion: AGH, DAMN IT! Where am I? Why is the fighting on the wrong side of the river now? No... wait... that's the right side. I'm on the wrong side. What the hell?!
It takes him a few moments to get his directions straight again. He takes his battle helmet off to get a breath of fresh air.
Voice: Tyrion! Tyrion! HELP! HELP!
Tyrion: Oh snap. Who's that?
Mandy: It's me. Mandy Moore! Help! Grab my hand! I'm drowning.
Tyrion: Oh, okay. I guess I can help you. The water doesn't look that deep though.
Mandy reaches out his left hand to Tyrion to pull him out of the water, with his right hand behind his back.
Tyrion: Wait. Aren't you a righty? Something doesn't seem ri--
Mandy Moore's right hand bursts out of the water with his sword in it, and he swings it towards Tyrion's face. At the last minute, Tyrion dodges it. But he wasn't fast enough to miss the entire blade.
Moore's sword slices most of Tyrion's nose clean off.
Tyrion: AGHH!!!!! WHAT THE HELL?! THIS DOESN'T HAPPEN IN THE TV SHOW!
Yes, in the TV show Tyrion just gets that big scar, that makes him all battle-hardened-looking. But now for the rest of the book series, Tyrion has no nose anymore. He looks hideous.
Tyrion: THIS IS TERRIBLE! AGHHH!!!
Tyrion's mouth fills with blood from his leaking face. Does it hurt? You bet your ass it does. He falls back into the water, choking on his own blood.
Mandy Moore: Now, to finish the job!
Mandy splashes through the water after him and finally grabs him. Just as he's about to deliver the finishing blow...
Mandy Moore: AGGHHH!!!!!!
Someone shoves Mandy Moore deep into the river. He drowns in his heavy armor and dies.
Tyrion: My savior! Why... it must be... Jaime!!!
Pod: No. It was me.
Tyrion: Podrick Payne? Really?
Pod: Yep.
Tyrion: Oh. Wow. Thanks.
Pod: You look rough, man. You're hurt pretty bad.
Tyrion: Well yeah. Mandy Moore cut my nose off. Why the hell did he do that?
Pod: *shrugs* It's never explained.
Tyrion: What? NEVER? Did Cersei order it? Did Joffrey? Did Littlefinger? Was he acting on his own? Did he momentarily get confused and think I was Christina Aguilera?
Pod: I dunno, ser. Like I said, GRRM never bothers to actually explain it or give an answer.
Tyrion: Geez, that sucks.
~~Addendum~~
Meanwhile... at the bottom of the River...
Fish: Oh look, it's Mandy Moore. Sing us a song, Mandy Moore! Sing "Sweetest Sin!"
Dead Mandy Moore: First of all, that was a Jessica Simpson song, asshole. Second, I'm not that Mandy Moore.
Other Fish: Tell us spoilers from This Is Us!
Dead Mandy Moore: I repeat... I am NOT that Mandy Moore.
Fish: So, why did you try to kill Tyrion?
Dead Mandy Moore: Now that I'm dead, I'll never tell.
Other Fish: I bet it was Cersei! She paid you, right? She hates Tyrion and wants him dead. She thinks he's plotting to kill Joffrey. The books strongly imply that Tyrion THINKS it's her. But he never gets proof.
Fish: It could be. Although Joffrey could have wanted Tyrion dead himself. And the TV show strongly implies that Tyrion THINKS it's him. But he never gets proof.
Other Fish: What about Littlefinger? Mandy Moore doesn't have much backstory, but what little we do know about him indicates that he's from the Vale. He came with Jon Arryn. And Littlefinger also comes from that general area and came at about the same time. They might have some unexplained back story. Plus Littlefinger clearly attempts to set up Tyrion in the next book. Littlefinger also framed Tyrion as the catspaw assassin. Although his motive is unclear, Baelish clearly wants Tyrion out of the way.
Fish: True, but Littlefinger is away right now, trying to recruit the Tyrells to the Lannister cause. Logistically, it would be somewhat difficult for him to give that order to Mandy. You mentioned that Mandy was from the Vale, right?
Other Fish: Yes, I did.
Fish: And remember how Tyrion had that trial by combat in the Vale? And Bronn took his place to kill Ser Vardis Egen?
Other Fish: Right. Who could forget? That was a great chapter!
Fish: Well, maybe since Vardis and Mandy are both knights from the Vale they were friends or something. Maybe Mandy isn't doing this for anyone. Maybe he really just hates Tyrion for killing his friend.
Other Fish: COME ON, DEAD MANDY! JUST TELL US ALREADY!
Dead Mandy Moore: Nope. I'm dead.
The fish then eat his eyeballs.
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