Osney Kettleblack runs into the room to whisper some news about the battle to Queen Cersei. Sansa tries to sneak close by and listen.
Cersei: Who caresh about any of that shhitsh! Ish my boy Joffrey okash?!
Sansa: Oh man. Cersei is DRUNK AS HELL. She's been drinking all night.
Osney leaves. Then, across the room, one of the women starts to break down and cry.
Cersei: SHHUT HER UP! SHHHUT UP, BITCSH! Shtupid flock of hensh! Thash what thish group is!
Sansa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Do you mean "hens?"
Cersei: I don't even like theshe bitcshes. I'm jusht doing it becaushe if we live their hushbands will owe me.
Sansa: What do you mean "if we live?"
Cersei: DUMBASH! If our guardsh don't betray ush, I will offer myshelf to Shtannis. Not that he'sh intereshted in women. I'd have more luck shedushing Shtannis's horse than him.
Sansa: Eww. Horsefucker.
Cersei: Have I shhocked you, little one? You know, women have more weaponsh than just tearsh. We have what'sh between our legsh.
Sasna: I literally just had my first period, so it's a bit odd that you're explaining to me that I need to start seducing men.
Cersei: It mattersh not though if the chitty fallsh. I imagine we're all in for a bit of rape, rape, rape, rape and a little more rape.
Sansa: Yikes.
Cersei: And aftshter the rape there will be shome more rape.
Sansa: Yeah, I get it. Lots of rape.
Cersei: You know, men like ushing their shwords on women. Bosh typesh of shwords. And by that I mean acshual shwords ash well ash their penishes.
Sansa: No, I got that too. You didn't need to explain that one either.
Osney comes back for yet another battle update.
Sansa: We got Speedy Gonzales over here.
Osney Kettleblack: Stannis's men have made landfall. Joffrey is at the Mud Gate. There are also reports of some people trying to sneak out of the castle with some cattle.
Cersei: EXSHECUTE THEM!
Sansa: Wow. There is a war going on and we're actually spending time talking about cattle rustling?
Texas Ranger: Oh, howdy there little Sansa. You might think that Cattle Rustling is a big joke. You might thing it's something from the past. The days of the "Wild West," if you will. But you might be surprised to hear that cattle rustling is actually more prevalent in 2018 than it ever was in the 1870's! Well, it's true that today’s cattle rustlers usually aren’t as bold as the gun slingers out in the Ol' West. And we can't exactly hang em' high from the nearest tree, neither. But the cattle rustlers of today use high-tech tools. Branding our cattle is still the safest way to protect them, just as it was in them old days. But we still have huge ranches out there and we can't have rangers protecting all that land! So the best strategy to protect ourselves from rustlers is to--
Sansa: --No, I do not care. Nobody here cares about cattle rustling, Texas Ranger.
Lollys Stokeworth: I don't know, this sounds a little interesting. Can I hear more?
Sansa: SHUT UP, LOLLYS!
Cersei: Dosh anyone want to hear about when me and Jaime were shildren and we ushed to dresh up like one another to confush our fasher?
Sansa: No. Weirdo.
Osney: There are also some merchants out in the streets, demanding entry into the Red Keep.
Cersei: No.
Osney: Okay. I'll be back in a bit to give you more updates.
Time passes.
Osney: Hi, I'm back with more updates.
Sansa: Wow, this story is moving faster than the completely unrealistic timeline of the episode "Beyond the Wall."
Osney: Yeah, that was a pretty unrealistic episode. So that group is all up north beyond the wall and approaching the army of the dead. In this very book we've seen that getting from the Wall to where the dead are marching is probably a multi-month or multi-week process. Assuming the dead have moved closer south by the time the story has advanced that far, we can assume that it's at least a multi-day process. So when the party has Gendry run back to warn everyone at Eastwatch, that's going to take several days to get back to Eastwatch. Then after the message gets to the Wall, the Night's Watch has to send that message to Dragonstone to reach Daenerys. Based on all evidence of how long it takes for ravens to fly in the series, that's once again another multi-day process. One reliable estimation of the geography of Westeros indicates that it's about 1900 miles from Eastwatch to Dragonstone. Assuming ravens in Westeros can deliver messages at the same speed as carrier pigeons, then they can travel 1100 miles a day at up to 50 mph. That would mean it takes two more days to get to Dragonstone. Then we need Dany to get on her Dragons and take them up north beyond the Wall. That would probably take--
Sansa: --Okay, enough now. No need to beat a dead horse.
Cersei: What are you here for thish time, Oshney?
Osney: The Mud Gate is under attack. Tyrion is leading a sortie and attacking Stannis's forces. Joffrey is a the Three Whores, flinging Antler Men via catapults.
Cersei: Bring my shon back to Maegor'sh Holdfasht immediately!
Osney: Well, Tyrion had some specific orders that we NOT do that. Given that our men are only loyal if they see the king out there fighting. If they see the king retreat, they will think that all hope is lost and start retreating themselves.
Cersei: I SHAID DO IT OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!
Osney: Okay, okay! Geez! But just remember if everything starts falling apart and our men break, that this is totally your fault.
Osney runs off again.
Cersei: And don't shink that I don't knowsh about your treashions, Shansha!
Sansa: Treasons? What treasons?
Cersei: You running off to the godshwoodsh every night--
Sansa: --Oh no! She knows about my plot with Dontos! What am I going to--
Cersei: --I bet you're in the godshwoodsh PRAYING for Shtannish to win!
Sansa: Oh, so you don't know about Dontos? The treason you're referring to is not an actual treason plot that you have intel about? It's just a general suspicion that I might not be 100% loyal to a group of people that murdered my father and is holding me as a hostage? Okay, cool. I can deal with you believing that.
Cersei: But don't shink that you're shafe if Shtannish winsh! Hahaha, you really shink that Ilyn Payne ish here to defend ush?
Sansa: Well, I didn't know why he was here. Which is why I specifically asked you. And that's what you just told me a few hours ago.
Cersei: Foolisshh girl! I will never be taken alive! And neisher will yoush! You better shtart praying for Shtannis to loshe! Becaushe Ilyn hash ordersh to take bosh of our headsh if the cashtle fallsh. You're too valuable a prishoner.
Texas Ranger: Did someone say "Cattle?"
Cersei: NO. CASH-TLE!
Sansa: Geez, you are REALLY messed up in the head, Cersei. Aren't you?
Cersei drinks more wine and passes out.
Cersei: Who caresh about any of that shhitsh! Ish my boy Joffrey okash?!
Sansa: Oh man. Cersei is DRUNK AS HELL. She's been drinking all night.
Osney leaves. Then, across the room, one of the women starts to break down and cry.
Cersei: SHHUT HER UP! SHHHUT UP, BITCSH! Shtupid flock of hensh! Thash what thish group is!
Sansa: I'm sorry. I didn't quite catch that. Do you mean "hens?"
Cersei: I don't even like theshe bitcshes. I'm jusht doing it becaushe if we live their hushbands will owe me.
Sansa: What do you mean "if we live?"
Cersei: DUMBASH! If our guardsh don't betray ush, I will offer myshelf to Shtannis. Not that he'sh intereshted in women. I'd have more luck shedushing Shtannis's horse than him.
Sansa: Eww. Horsefucker.
Cersei: Have I shhocked you, little one? You know, women have more weaponsh than just tearsh. We have what'sh between our legsh.
Sasna: I literally just had my first period, so it's a bit odd that you're explaining to me that I need to start seducing men.
Cersei: It mattersh not though if the chitty fallsh. I imagine we're all in for a bit of rape, rape, rape, rape and a little more rape.
Sansa: Yikes.
Cersei: And aftshter the rape there will be shome more rape.
Sansa: Yeah, I get it. Lots of rape.
Cersei: You know, men like ushing their shwords on women. Bosh typesh of shwords. And by that I mean acshual shwords ash well ash their penishes.
Sansa: No, I got that too. You didn't need to explain that one either.
Osney comes back for yet another battle update.
Sansa: We got Speedy Gonzales over here.
Osney Kettleblack: Stannis's men have made landfall. Joffrey is at the Mud Gate. There are also reports of some people trying to sneak out of the castle with some cattle.
Cersei: EXSHECUTE THEM!
Sansa: Wow. There is a war going on and we're actually spending time talking about cattle rustling?
Texas Ranger: Oh, howdy there little Sansa. You might think that Cattle Rustling is a big joke. You might thing it's something from the past. The days of the "Wild West," if you will. But you might be surprised to hear that cattle rustling is actually more prevalent in 2018 than it ever was in the 1870's! Well, it's true that today’s cattle rustlers usually aren’t as bold as the gun slingers out in the Ol' West. And we can't exactly hang em' high from the nearest tree, neither. But the cattle rustlers of today use high-tech tools. Branding our cattle is still the safest way to protect them, just as it was in them old days. But we still have huge ranches out there and we can't have rangers protecting all that land! So the best strategy to protect ourselves from rustlers is to--
Sansa: --No, I do not care. Nobody here cares about cattle rustling, Texas Ranger.
Lollys Stokeworth: I don't know, this sounds a little interesting. Can I hear more?
Sansa: SHUT UP, LOLLYS!
Cersei: Dosh anyone want to hear about when me and Jaime were shildren and we ushed to dresh up like one another to confush our fasher?
Sansa: No. Weirdo.
Osney: There are also some merchants out in the streets, demanding entry into the Red Keep.
Cersei: No.
Osney: Okay. I'll be back in a bit to give you more updates.
Time passes.
Osney: Hi, I'm back with more updates.
Sansa: Wow, this story is moving faster than the completely unrealistic timeline of the episode "Beyond the Wall."
Osney: Yeah, that was a pretty unrealistic episode. So that group is all up north beyond the wall and approaching the army of the dead. In this very book we've seen that getting from the Wall to where the dead are marching is probably a multi-month or multi-week process. Assuming the dead have moved closer south by the time the story has advanced that far, we can assume that it's at least a multi-day process. So when the party has Gendry run back to warn everyone at Eastwatch, that's going to take several days to get back to Eastwatch. Then after the message gets to the Wall, the Night's Watch has to send that message to Dragonstone to reach Daenerys. Based on all evidence of how long it takes for ravens to fly in the series, that's once again another multi-day process. One reliable estimation of the geography of Westeros indicates that it's about 1900 miles from Eastwatch to Dragonstone. Assuming ravens in Westeros can deliver messages at the same speed as carrier pigeons, then they can travel 1100 miles a day at up to 50 mph. That would mean it takes two more days to get to Dragonstone. Then we need Dany to get on her Dragons and take them up north beyond the Wall. That would probably take--
Sansa: --Okay, enough now. No need to beat a dead horse.
Cersei: What are you here for thish time, Oshney?
Osney: The Mud Gate is under attack. Tyrion is leading a sortie and attacking Stannis's forces. Joffrey is a the Three Whores, flinging Antler Men via catapults.
Cersei: Bring my shon back to Maegor'sh Holdfasht immediately!
Osney: Well, Tyrion had some specific orders that we NOT do that. Given that our men are only loyal if they see the king out there fighting. If they see the king retreat, they will think that all hope is lost and start retreating themselves.
Cersei: I SHAID DO IT OR I'LL HAVE YOUR HEAD!
Osney: Okay, okay! Geez! But just remember if everything starts falling apart and our men break, that this is totally your fault.
Osney runs off again.
Cersei: And don't shink that I don't knowsh about your treashions, Shansha!
Sansa: Treasons? What treasons?
Cersei: You running off to the godshwoodsh every night--
Sansa: --Oh no! She knows about my plot with Dontos! What am I going to--
Cersei: --I bet you're in the godshwoodsh PRAYING for Shtannish to win!
Sansa: Oh, so you don't know about Dontos? The treason you're referring to is not an actual treason plot that you have intel about? It's just a general suspicion that I might not be 100% loyal to a group of people that murdered my father and is holding me as a hostage? Okay, cool. I can deal with you believing that.
Cersei: But don't shink that you're shafe if Shtannish winsh! Hahaha, you really shink that Ilyn Payne ish here to defend ush?
Sansa: Well, I didn't know why he was here. Which is why I specifically asked you. And that's what you just told me a few hours ago.
Cersei: Foolisshh girl! I will never be taken alive! And neisher will yoush! You better shtart praying for Shtannis to loshe! Becaushe Ilyn hash ordersh to take bosh of our headsh if the cashtle fallsh. You're too valuable a prishoner.
Texas Ranger: Did someone say "Cattle?"
Cersei: NO. CASH-TLE!
Sansa: Geez, you are REALLY messed up in the head, Cersei. Aren't you?
Cersei drinks more wine and passes out.
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