Davos is on his ship, the Black Betha, as it--
Politically Correct Boatswain: --Uh, actually it's African American Betha.
Davos: Shut up! This is a fictional fantasy world. There isn't even such a thing as "America."
Davos pushes the Boatswain overboard to his watery death.
Anyway, like I was saying, the Black Betha approaches Blackwater Bay, leading into Kings Landing. The war is about to begin. The ship is in the second line on the right as part of Stannis's great fleet. The commander of the fleet is Ser Imry Florent, Stannis's brother-in-law.
Davos: *cough*nepotism*cough*
Davos thinks that the invasion plan is too rash. They haven't even sent any scout ships to check out the Blackwater first. But Florent wanted to invade as quickly as possible, and claimed that sending scout ships would give them away. Since the invasion of Kings Landing has been much delayed, Stannis was eager to attack as quickly as possible with the entire fleet.
Davos: I have a bad feeling about this.
As they cross into the Bay, Davos notices two newly constructed towers at both sides of the narrow point.
Davos: Hrm. Those towers appear to be designed to hold up a giant chain boom. And indeed, I do see a chain attached to both sides. But the chain isn't up. It's sunk in the water. Why would that be? The traditional purpose of a chain boom is to keep an invading fleet like ours OUT. But the boom is down and we can all pass.
As they get closer, Davos also starts to see the Lannister-allied fleet defending the city.
Davos: It looks pretty small. And a couple of their key battle ships are missing. Why would they not have their best and toughest ships here -- ready to defend Kings Landing against us?
Why indeed? As the Black Betha continues, Davos spots catapults, scorpions, and other weapons along the city walls. Soon, the attack begins. Arrows, pitch, and giant boulders are flung from Kings Landing towards Stannis's fleet.
Davos: Hahaha. They're going to have to try harder than that. Still, this feels like some sort of trap. At least that Red Witch isn't here though. Stannis sent her back to Dragonstone with Edric Storm and said he wouldn't need her help for this one. And anyway, if we won then the commonfolk would say it was her magic that won the battle. Good. I'm glad she's gone. I hate that bitch.
Soon though, Davos finds himself in the middle of the battle. A Lannister ship rapidly approaches.
Davos: RAM IT! RAM IT!
They ram it.
Davos: Okay, now let's get the hell out of here!
They back up. The Lannister ship sinks into the sea. Men fall off of it. Some are dead and sink. Others are alive, and also sink in their armor. The quick and the dead. War is hell. etc.
Davos: Okay, this battle is starting. And you know what I'm especially psyched about? How almost every single one of my children are also part of this battle. That's right, my son Dale is commanding the Wraith. My son Allard commands the Lady Marya. My son Matthos is right here on the Black Betha with me. My son Maric is the oarmaster on the Fury. My son Devan is Stannis's squire and will go into the battle with him. Only my two small children, Stannis and Steffon, are not part of this battle. This seems like a sensible thing to do, right?
Then suddenly, Davos watches as a catapult throws green fire through the sky. It hits one of the Stannis-aligned ships and burns everyone in it to death.
Davos: OH SNAP! Wildfire? I figured they'd start using wildfire. Ser Imry Florent even predicted that they would. But how much of it can they really have, right? I mean not much. I'm sure all that stuff got used up in the last war. Nobody makes wildfire anymore. There are few true pyromancers anymore. That's probably just for show to scare us.
In the corner of his eye, Davos then sees a Lannister ship heading right there way.
Davos: UH OH. They're trying to ram us now. TURN! TURN! TURN!
With just a few seconds left to spare, Davos's crew is able to turn the Black Betha so that the Lannister ship only scrapes its side, rather than ramming it. The two ships are now next to each other, just like in a pirate movie.
Davos: Hey everyone, it's just like a pirate movie. That means we have to pull out our swords, shout a lot, and board each other's ships!
They do exactly that. They have an epic and awesome pirate battle, with the two ship crews killing each other one-by-one. But which side will win? WHICH SIDE WILL WIN?
Davos: It looks like our side won. What with me being a POV character.
Davos's Crew: HUZZAH!
Davos looks around at the battle in the harbor. Stannis's fleet is doing quite well.
Davos: Yeah man, we're kicking ass. Maybe we're going to win this battle after all. I can see that we're defeating the Lannister ships at almost every single engagement. And look at that engagement over there now... which ship is that? Oh yeah, that's our ship, the Swordfish. It's about to ram the hell out of that Lannister ship over there.
Matthos: Which one, father? You mean that abandoned-looking one that's leaking all of the green fluid out of it?
Davos: Yes son, that's the one. The aband----whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? AGHHH!!!!! STOP! STOP! DON'T DO IT! STOP, YOU MORONS! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
But it's too late. The Swordfish rams into a derelict vessel, full of that awesome, green wildfire juice.
The ships immediately explode. It's a GIANT explosion. Wildfire is thrown everywhere. And wildfire can't be put out by water. NOTHING can put out wildfire.
Pyromancer: Except sand.
Yes. Except sand, I suppose. So flames sit atop the water, and start setting every ship nearby on fire. And the people on the ships. And the people in the water.
The explosion is so large that the shock waveknocks Davos off of his ship and into the water. He struggles, nearly drowning, and swims back to the surface in an area away from the fire. He looks up and sees that his own ship is on fire. And that the rest of Stannis's fleet is also aflame.
Davos: Well, this sucks pretty hard. At least almost all of my children weren't part of that fleet. OH WAIT... THEY WERE!
Davos struggles to swim, and so he lets the current sweep him and take him away from the harbor. It's probably a good idea, as the current is also taking him away from all of the burning wildfire.
As he's swept out to near the entrance of the harbor, he notices that the chain boom is now up.
Davos: OH DUH. The chain boom wasn't designed to keep us out of the harbor. It was designed to keep us all IN THE HARBOR!
Davos watches as the few remaining Team Stannis ships which are not on fire try to make their escape, only be to caught and trapped by the chain. Along with those escaping ships, a number of other ships from both sides drift listlessly to the chain, abandoned with dead crew. And ON FIRE. The fires from those ships set the other ships on fire. And now every single last ship in the harbor are clanking and colliding with one another, all on fire. The crews jump into the water. But the fires spread there too. And now those guys are on fire.
Davos has been swept by the water pretty far away now, but he can still smell it. It smells like a summer BBQ. But those aren't hot dogs and hamburgers cooking. Those are men. Including his children.
Davos: Wow, that's pretty dark, narrator. Pretty dark.
Politically Correct Boatswain: --Uh, actually it's African American Betha.
Davos: Shut up! This is a fictional fantasy world. There isn't even such a thing as "America."
Davos pushes the Boatswain overboard to his watery death.
Anyway, like I was saying, the Black Betha approaches Blackwater Bay, leading into Kings Landing. The war is about to begin. The ship is in the second line on the right as part of Stannis's great fleet. The commander of the fleet is Ser Imry Florent, Stannis's brother-in-law.
Davos: *cough*nepotism*cough*
Davos thinks that the invasion plan is too rash. They haven't even sent any scout ships to check out the Blackwater first. But Florent wanted to invade as quickly as possible, and claimed that sending scout ships would give them away. Since the invasion of Kings Landing has been much delayed, Stannis was eager to attack as quickly as possible with the entire fleet.
Davos: I have a bad feeling about this.
As they cross into the Bay, Davos notices two newly constructed towers at both sides of the narrow point.
Davos: Hrm. Those towers appear to be designed to hold up a giant chain boom. And indeed, I do see a chain attached to both sides. But the chain isn't up. It's sunk in the water. Why would that be? The traditional purpose of a chain boom is to keep an invading fleet like ours OUT. But the boom is down and we can all pass.
As they get closer, Davos also starts to see the Lannister-allied fleet defending the city.
Davos: It looks pretty small. And a couple of their key battle ships are missing. Why would they not have their best and toughest ships here -- ready to defend Kings Landing against us?
Why indeed? As the Black Betha continues, Davos spots catapults, scorpions, and other weapons along the city walls. Soon, the attack begins. Arrows, pitch, and giant boulders are flung from Kings Landing towards Stannis's fleet.
Davos: Hahaha. They're going to have to try harder than that. Still, this feels like some sort of trap. At least that Red Witch isn't here though. Stannis sent her back to Dragonstone with Edric Storm and said he wouldn't need her help for this one. And anyway, if we won then the commonfolk would say it was her magic that won the battle. Good. I'm glad she's gone. I hate that bitch.
Soon though, Davos finds himself in the middle of the battle. A Lannister ship rapidly approaches.
Davos: RAM IT! RAM IT!
They ram it.
Davos: Okay, now let's get the hell out of here!
They back up. The Lannister ship sinks into the sea. Men fall off of it. Some are dead and sink. Others are alive, and also sink in their armor. The quick and the dead. War is hell. etc.
Davos: Okay, this battle is starting. And you know what I'm especially psyched about? How almost every single one of my children are also part of this battle. That's right, my son Dale is commanding the Wraith. My son Allard commands the Lady Marya. My son Matthos is right here on the Black Betha with me. My son Maric is the oarmaster on the Fury. My son Devan is Stannis's squire and will go into the battle with him. Only my two small children, Stannis and Steffon, are not part of this battle. This seems like a sensible thing to do, right?
Then suddenly, Davos watches as a catapult throws green fire through the sky. It hits one of the Stannis-aligned ships and burns everyone in it to death.
Davos: OH SNAP! Wildfire? I figured they'd start using wildfire. Ser Imry Florent even predicted that they would. But how much of it can they really have, right? I mean not much. I'm sure all that stuff got used up in the last war. Nobody makes wildfire anymore. There are few true pyromancers anymore. That's probably just for show to scare us.
In the corner of his eye, Davos then sees a Lannister ship heading right there way.
Davos: UH OH. They're trying to ram us now. TURN! TURN! TURN!
With just a few seconds left to spare, Davos's crew is able to turn the Black Betha so that the Lannister ship only scrapes its side, rather than ramming it. The two ships are now next to each other, just like in a pirate movie.
Davos: Hey everyone, it's just like a pirate movie. That means we have to pull out our swords, shout a lot, and board each other's ships!
They do exactly that. They have an epic and awesome pirate battle, with the two ship crews killing each other one-by-one. But which side will win? WHICH SIDE WILL WIN?
Davos: It looks like our side won. What with me being a POV character.
Davos's Crew: HUZZAH!
Davos looks around at the battle in the harbor. Stannis's fleet is doing quite well.
Davos: Yeah man, we're kicking ass. Maybe we're going to win this battle after all. I can see that we're defeating the Lannister ships at almost every single engagement. And look at that engagement over there now... which ship is that? Oh yeah, that's our ship, the Swordfish. It's about to ram the hell out of that Lannister ship over there.
Matthos: Which one, father? You mean that abandoned-looking one that's leaking all of the green fluid out of it?
Davos: Yes son, that's the one. The aband----whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa? AGHHH!!!!! STOP! STOP! DON'T DO IT! STOP, YOU MORONS! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
But it's too late. The Swordfish rams into a derelict vessel, full of that awesome, green wildfire juice.
The ships immediately explode. It's a GIANT explosion. Wildfire is thrown everywhere. And wildfire can't be put out by water. NOTHING can put out wildfire.
Pyromancer: Except sand.
Yes. Except sand, I suppose. So flames sit atop the water, and start setting every ship nearby on fire. And the people on the ships. And the people in the water.
The explosion is so large that the shock waveknocks Davos off of his ship and into the water. He struggles, nearly drowning, and swims back to the surface in an area away from the fire. He looks up and sees that his own ship is on fire. And that the rest of Stannis's fleet is also aflame.
Davos: Well, this sucks pretty hard. At least almost all of my children weren't part of that fleet. OH WAIT... THEY WERE!
Davos struggles to swim, and so he lets the current sweep him and take him away from the harbor. It's probably a good idea, as the current is also taking him away from all of the burning wildfire.
As he's swept out to near the entrance of the harbor, he notices that the chain boom is now up.
Davos: OH DUH. The chain boom wasn't designed to keep us out of the harbor. It was designed to keep us all IN THE HARBOR!
Davos watches as the few remaining Team Stannis ships which are not on fire try to make their escape, only be to caught and trapped by the chain. Along with those escaping ships, a number of other ships from both sides drift listlessly to the chain, abandoned with dead crew. And ON FIRE. The fires from those ships set the other ships on fire. And now every single last ship in the harbor are clanking and colliding with one another, all on fire. The crews jump into the water. But the fires spread there too. And now those guys are on fire.
Davos has been swept by the water pretty far away now, but he can still smell it. It smells like a summer BBQ. But those aren't hot dogs and hamburgers cooking. Those are men. Including his children.
Davos: Wow, that's pretty dark, narrator. Pretty dark.
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