Well, it looks like Stannis Baratheon got his ass kicked, and now the Royal Family in Kings Landing is holding a giant-ass procession to celebrate their victory. Everyone is dressed to the nines, wearing their finest for the shindig.
Joffrey: And now... the heroes of the battle!
Lord Tywin Lannister rides in first. He looks regal AF. This dude has amazing armor, and even his horse is decked out. He is the definition of suave, sophistication.
Tywin's Horse: *takes shit right on the bottom of the Iron Throne*
Joffrey: Eww.
Tywin dismounts.
Tywin: Shut the hell up, grandson.
Joffrey: Anyway, I declare you SAVIOR OF THE CITY and officially make you HAND OF THE KING, as you technically were previously. Shitty Uncle Dwarfy was really only "Acting" Hand of the King.
Tywin: Yes, I am awesome.
He puts on the Hand of the King brooch. Men wearing brooches is totally normal in this world. Brooches aren't only for your weird aunt and they don't have to have cats on them.
Joffrey: Next, I celebrate Lord Mace Tyrell of Highgarden, and offer him a place on the Council.
Mace Tyrell: Actually, I like to be known as "Ma$e Tyrell."
Tywin: No, that is not happening.
Mace: Well, I tried.
Joffrey: And to your son, the Knight of Flowers Loras Tyrell, for his courage in battle I award him a place in the Kingsguard!
Everyone cheers. They love Loras. Except for one woman in the audience who doesn't cheer. Not because she doesn't love Loras. But because she likes him a little TOO much.
Woman: Booo! Are you sure you want to do this, Loras? If you join the Kingsguard, that means you can lay with no woman again.
Loras: Hahaha, yeah. I'll be okay with that. *winks at the guy next to her*
Guy Next to Woman: *winks back*
Garlan Tyrell, Loras's Older Brother: King Joffrey, you do us much honor with these awards. But I ask of you one more honor. Is it not inappropriate for a royal King such as yourself to marry a traitor's daughter! Perhaps you should marry my sister, Margaery, instead. She is still, of course, a virgin and never laid with Renly.
Loras: Hahaha, I know that's true.
Mace: SHHHH!
Sansa should be offended by being called "a traitor's daughter," but she's not. This whole thing has been scripted before hand. And Sansa is happy about it. She knows what stage acting is coming...
Joffrey: Whaaaat? Marry Margaery? No! I could never! I love my beloved Sansa so much!
Everyone in the court tries to hold in their giggling because Joffrey is a terrible actor.
Joffrey: I swore holy vows to love and marry Sansa. I could never break those.
On queue, the High Septon steps up to deliver his line in the script.
High Septon: I swore holy vows to love and marry her. I could never--
Tywin: --No, you fucking idiot. You're reading the wrong line. That's Joffrey's line. He just read it. Read the next one!
High Septon: Oh. Right. Right. *ahem*... King Joffrey, when your father, the late King Robert, entered into this marriage alliance, he had no idea that the Starks were traitors and meant to deceive him. In the eyes of the seven gods, there is no shame in putting aside this marriage alliance based on falsehoods. I declare that your marriage alliance to Sansa Stark is null.
Joffrey: What? Really? Oh, that's... so... terrible! Wow! What a shocking development. You know what, Garlan? I think I will marry your sister Margaery. They say the tales of her beauty are known across the Kingdoms!
Crowd: HORRAY!
Sansa, publicly: Oh shucks!
Sansa on the Inside: HORRAY!
Sansa doesn't feel bad at all. She no longer has to marry Joffrey. They can call her father a traitor all they want. If that means she's free of Joffrey... she's happy!
And so the ceremony goes on. There were lots of awards given out from the Battle of the Blackwater. All in all, over 600 knighthoods and awards are granted throughout the day. Including gems like these:
Joffrey: Oh, I guess we're giving Uncle Dwarfy an award too? He's not here to accept it though, on account of him laying dying with a massive wound to the face. And another award... to Petyr Baelish! What with him securing an alliance with the Tyrells to come and join our side in the war. Lord Baelish, for your help... I award you the Castle of Harrenhal and name you Lord Paramount of the Trident!
Littlefinger, fresh back from being missing for a good chunk of chapters, walks up to Joffrey's chair with a shit-eating grin.
Sansa: Whatever. What kind of a bullshit award is that? They gave him Harrenhal? First of all, it's haunted. Second, it's not even Joffrey's to give. My brother Robb and his allies holds Harrenhal!
After the awards for those Lannister-allied men who bravely fought comes the next part... the punishment for the people who fought for the other side and were captured.
Joffrey: Okay, any of you Stannis people who would like to flip sides can do so now.
A bunch of people flip sides. You know, because that makes sense.
Joffrey: Great. You're all PARDONED! Welcome to team #winning. And for the rest of you that DIDN'T SWITCH sides... and I'm lookig at YOU, ser!
Some Guy: Who, me?
Joffrey: Yeah, you.
Some Guy: Ah, well. I'm not flipping to your side because you're a punk-ass bitch.
Joffrey: Ah, I see. I see. Guards, take him out and execute him.
He's taken out into the hallway and executed.
Joffrey: Anyone else? How about you?
Crazy-Looking Guy: I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU, INCEST CHILD!
Joffrey: Dafuq you just say? You know I'm the KING, right? And you're in MY throne room, surrounded by all my subjects.
Crazy-Looking Guy: You are a child born of sick incest! You are no true king. Your whore mother had sex with her brother to make your foul flesh! The Lord of Light will never allow you to be king. STANNIS FOREVER! PRAISE THE RED GOD!
Joffrey jumps up and starts pounding on the side of the throne.
Joffrey: EXECUTE HIM! EXECUTE HIM NOW!!!!!
But what Joffrey, being a complete dumb-ass, forgot was that the Iron Throne is MADE OUT OF RAZOR-SHARP SWORDS. And therefore pounding on it is stupid. He slices his hand and arm open and starts bleeding.
Joffrey: Owie! Owie! OWIE! MOMMY, MY BOO BOO HURTS!
Cersei runs in to coddle him.
Crazy-Looking Guy: LOOK! EVEN THE THRONE DENIES HIM! THE THRONE REJECTS HIM! SEE? EVERYONE, SEE?
Joffrey: KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!
Meryn Trant steps up and executes the guy right in front of the entire crowd. Blood splatters on the front three rows of the crowd like they are at SeaWorld or some shit.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT. We were not ready to see all of that.
They drag his dead body out, leaving a trail of blood. Cersei takes Joffrey out of the room too. Lord Tywin then causally walks up to the Iron Throne and sits down.
Tywin: Okay, I guess I'm in charge now. Let's continue this shit-show.
And so the ceremonies continue for hours and hours. Finally, after it's all over, Sansa is free. After a short time back in her room, she goes to visit the godswoods.
Sansa: OH, hey Dontos! I am so excited! This is awesome! I'm finally free of Joffrey!
Dontos: What... you really think that?
Sansa: YEAH! I mean I don't have to marry him any more. THIS IS THE BEST!
Dontos: Okay, uhm... I know I'm an alcoholic jester, so taking advice from me isn't generally recommended. But how do you not see that this makes things WORSE for you now?
Sansa: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Dontos: Joffrey treated you like shit when you were supposed to be be married to him. And now you're not supposed to be. You think he'll treat you BETTER now? Doubt it. If anything he'll be meaner and crueler to you.
Sansa: But... I... uhh...
Dontos: And what do you mean you're "free?" You think Cersei is going to let you go? No! You're still a prisoner. You're still stuck here. And now you're no longer going to be a Queen. You're just a hostage and Joffrey's play thing. At least if you were his Queen, he could only beat you so hard so that everyone didn't see all the bruises on the queen. Now you're just "that traitor Stark girl" and he can have his Kingsguard beat the shit out of you even harder and nobody will care. And do you think not being married to him will mean you don't have to have sex with him? Nope! He's the king. If he wants to rape you... he can still rape you.
Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!
Dontos: There, there, my sweet Jonquil. Your Florian is still here to protect you. I will break you free from here on Joffrey's wedding night, I promise.
Sansa: What? But that's more than a month away!
Dontos: Oh wow. Is it only a month in the books? Holy shit, it's like two damn seasons on the TV show. I can't believe the 1000+ pages of A Storm of Swords only takes place over the course of a single month. BUT ANYWAY... until then you must be brave for me! Here, I have a gift for you.
Dontos pulls out a hair net.
Sansa: A hair net? Do I have to work in a school cafeteria or something?
Dontos: No! This is a beautiful hair net made with silver and rare black amethysts from Asshai.
Sansa: Oh cool. Dark purple crystals.
Dontos: Yes.
Sansa: Hrm. Dark purple crystals. That seems so familiar. Didn't we talk about those earlier in this book?
Dontos: I wouldn't know.
Sansa: It's almost like now that this book is about to end, certain concepts that were introduced at the beginning are now being followed up on.
Dontos: I guess. I'm just glad we're not talking about that goddamn comet anymore. I'm really more concerned with drinking a lot than any of that plot stuff. The person who gave the hair net to me says that it's magical.
Sansa: Cool. Magical how?
Dontos: It represents revenge and stuff. For your father.
Sansa: And who gave it to you again? Because you said your friend who was going to help free me was out of town.
Dontos: Well, he's back now.
Sansa: Hrm. What guy who was recently out of town for a while is now back?
Dontos: Just stop, Sansa. Stop.
Joffrey: And now... the heroes of the battle!
Lord Tywin Lannister rides in first. He looks regal AF. This dude has amazing armor, and even his horse is decked out. He is the definition of suave, sophistication.
Tywin's Horse: *takes shit right on the bottom of the Iron Throne*
Joffrey: Eww.
Tywin dismounts.
Tywin: Shut the hell up, grandson.
Joffrey: Anyway, I declare you SAVIOR OF THE CITY and officially make you HAND OF THE KING, as you technically were previously. Shitty Uncle Dwarfy was really only "Acting" Hand of the King.
Tywin: Yes, I am awesome.
He puts on the Hand of the King brooch. Men wearing brooches is totally normal in this world. Brooches aren't only for your weird aunt and they don't have to have cats on them.
Joffrey: Next, I celebrate Lord Mace Tyrell of Highgarden, and offer him a place on the Council.
Mace Tyrell: Actually, I like to be known as "Ma$e Tyrell."
Tywin: No, that is not happening.
Mace: Well, I tried.
Joffrey: And to your son, the Knight of Flowers Loras Tyrell, for his courage in battle I award him a place in the Kingsguard!
Everyone cheers. They love Loras. Except for one woman in the audience who doesn't cheer. Not because she doesn't love Loras. But because she likes him a little TOO much.
Woman: Booo! Are you sure you want to do this, Loras? If you join the Kingsguard, that means you can lay with no woman again.
Loras: Hahaha, yeah. I'll be okay with that. *winks at the guy next to her*
Guy Next to Woman: *winks back*
Garlan Tyrell, Loras's Older Brother: King Joffrey, you do us much honor with these awards. But I ask of you one more honor. Is it not inappropriate for a royal King such as yourself to marry a traitor's daughter! Perhaps you should marry my sister, Margaery, instead. She is still, of course, a virgin and never laid with Renly.
Loras: Hahaha, I know that's true.
Mace: SHHHH!
Sansa should be offended by being called "a traitor's daughter," but she's not. This whole thing has been scripted before hand. And Sansa is happy about it. She knows what stage acting is coming...
Joffrey: Whaaaat? Marry Margaery? No! I could never! I love my beloved Sansa so much!
Everyone in the court tries to hold in their giggling because Joffrey is a terrible actor.
Joffrey: I swore holy vows to love and marry Sansa. I could never break those.
On queue, the High Septon steps up to deliver his line in the script.
High Septon: I swore holy vows to love and marry her. I could never--
Tywin: --No, you fucking idiot. You're reading the wrong line. That's Joffrey's line. He just read it. Read the next one!
High Septon: Oh. Right. Right. *ahem*... King Joffrey, when your father, the late King Robert, entered into this marriage alliance, he had no idea that the Starks were traitors and meant to deceive him. In the eyes of the seven gods, there is no shame in putting aside this marriage alliance based on falsehoods. I declare that your marriage alliance to Sansa Stark is null.
Joffrey: What? Really? Oh, that's... so... terrible! Wow! What a shocking development. You know what, Garlan? I think I will marry your sister Margaery. They say the tales of her beauty are known across the Kingdoms!
Crowd: HORRAY!
Sansa, publicly: Oh shucks!
Sansa on the Inside: HORRAY!
Sansa doesn't feel bad at all. She no longer has to marry Joffrey. They can call her father a traitor all they want. If that means she's free of Joffrey... she's happy!
And so the ceremony goes on. There were lots of awards given out from the Battle of the Blackwater. All in all, over 600 knighthoods and awards are granted throughout the day. Including gems like these:
Joffrey: Oh, I guess we're giving Uncle Dwarfy an award too? He's not here to accept it though, on account of him laying dying with a massive wound to the face. And another award... to Petyr Baelish! What with him securing an alliance with the Tyrells to come and join our side in the war. Lord Baelish, for your help... I award you the Castle of Harrenhal and name you Lord Paramount of the Trident!
Littlefinger, fresh back from being missing for a good chunk of chapters, walks up to Joffrey's chair with a shit-eating grin.
Sansa: Whatever. What kind of a bullshit award is that? They gave him Harrenhal? First of all, it's haunted. Second, it's not even Joffrey's to give. My brother Robb and his allies holds Harrenhal!
After the awards for those Lannister-allied men who bravely fought comes the next part... the punishment for the people who fought for the other side and were captured.
Joffrey: Okay, any of you Stannis people who would like to flip sides can do so now.
A bunch of people flip sides. You know, because that makes sense.
Joffrey: Great. You're all PARDONED! Welcome to team #winning. And for the rest of you that DIDN'T SWITCH sides... and I'm lookig at YOU, ser!
Some Guy: Who, me?
Joffrey: Yeah, you.
Some Guy: Ah, well. I'm not flipping to your side because you're a punk-ass bitch.
Joffrey: Ah, I see. I see. Guards, take him out and execute him.
He's taken out into the hallway and executed.
Joffrey: Anyone else? How about you?
Crazy-Looking Guy: I WILL NEVER SUBMIT TO YOU, INCEST CHILD!
Joffrey: Dafuq you just say? You know I'm the KING, right? And you're in MY throne room, surrounded by all my subjects.
Crazy-Looking Guy: You are a child born of sick incest! You are no true king. Your whore mother had sex with her brother to make your foul flesh! The Lord of Light will never allow you to be king. STANNIS FOREVER! PRAISE THE RED GOD!
Joffrey jumps up and starts pounding on the side of the throne.
Joffrey: EXECUTE HIM! EXECUTE HIM NOW!!!!!
But what Joffrey, being a complete dumb-ass, forgot was that the Iron Throne is MADE OUT OF RAZOR-SHARP SWORDS. And therefore pounding on it is stupid. He slices his hand and arm open and starts bleeding.
Joffrey: Owie! Owie! OWIE! MOMMY, MY BOO BOO HURTS!
Cersei runs in to coddle him.
Crazy-Looking Guy: LOOK! EVEN THE THRONE DENIES HIM! THE THRONE REJECTS HIM! SEE? EVERYONE, SEE?
Joffrey: KILL HIM!!!!!!!!!!
Meryn Trant steps up and executes the guy right in front of the entire crowd. Blood splatters on the front three rows of the crowd like they are at SeaWorld or some shit.
Crowd: HOLY SHIT. We were not ready to see all of that.
They drag his dead body out, leaving a trail of blood. Cersei takes Joffrey out of the room too. Lord Tywin then causally walks up to the Iron Throne and sits down.
Tywin: Okay, I guess I'm in charge now. Let's continue this shit-show.
And so the ceremonies continue for hours and hours. Finally, after it's all over, Sansa is free. After a short time back in her room, she goes to visit the godswoods.
Sansa: OH, hey Dontos! I am so excited! This is awesome! I'm finally free of Joffrey!
Dontos: What... you really think that?
Sansa: YEAH! I mean I don't have to marry him any more. THIS IS THE BEST!
Dontos: Okay, uhm... I know I'm an alcoholic jester, so taking advice from me isn't generally recommended. But how do you not see that this makes things WORSE for you now?
Sansa: What? What the hell are you talking about?
Dontos: Joffrey treated you like shit when you were supposed to be be married to him. And now you're not supposed to be. You think he'll treat you BETTER now? Doubt it. If anything he'll be meaner and crueler to you.
Sansa: But... I... uhh...
Dontos: And what do you mean you're "free?" You think Cersei is going to let you go? No! You're still a prisoner. You're still stuck here. And now you're no longer going to be a Queen. You're just a hostage and Joffrey's play thing. At least if you were his Queen, he could only beat you so hard so that everyone didn't see all the bruises on the queen. Now you're just "that traitor Stark girl" and he can have his Kingsguard beat the shit out of you even harder and nobody will care. And do you think not being married to him will mean you don't have to have sex with him? Nope! He's the king. If he wants to rape you... he can still rape you.
Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!
Dontos: There, there, my sweet Jonquil. Your Florian is still here to protect you. I will break you free from here on Joffrey's wedding night, I promise.
Sansa: What? But that's more than a month away!
Dontos: Oh wow. Is it only a month in the books? Holy shit, it's like two damn seasons on the TV show. I can't believe the 1000+ pages of A Storm of Swords only takes place over the course of a single month. BUT ANYWAY... until then you must be brave for me! Here, I have a gift for you.
Dontos pulls out a hair net.
Sansa: A hair net? Do I have to work in a school cafeteria or something?
Dontos: No! This is a beautiful hair net made with silver and rare black amethysts from Asshai.
Sansa: Oh cool. Dark purple crystals.
Dontos: Yes.
Sansa: Hrm. Dark purple crystals. That seems so familiar. Didn't we talk about those earlier in this book?
Dontos: I wouldn't know.
Sansa: It's almost like now that this book is about to end, certain concepts that were introduced at the beginning are now being followed up on.
Dontos: I guess. I'm just glad we're not talking about that goddamn comet anymore. I'm really more concerned with drinking a lot than any of that plot stuff. The person who gave the hair net to me says that it's magical.
Sansa: Cool. Magical how?
Dontos: It represents revenge and stuff. For your father.
Sansa: And who gave it to you again? Because you said your friend who was going to help free me was out of town.
Dontos: Well, he's back now.
Sansa: Hrm. What guy who was recently out of town for a while is now back?
Dontos: Just stop, Sansa. Stop.
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