Tyrion watches from the heights of Kings Landing, as Stannis's fleet burns in Blackwater Rush. Hundreds of ships are on fire. Thousands of people are on fire. The air is full of smoke, arrows, and the screams of the dying. The clouds in the sky are glowing green, reflecting the wildfire below.
Tyrion: I'm not sure I should be proud of this or what. My plans with the chain and the wildfire has pretty much worked flawlessly. So I should feel really good for being a tactical master. But then again, I'm also now responsible for the deaths of thousands. Which might weigh slightly on my conscience. But then again, I guess they were trying to kill us. So should I really feel that bad?
He imagines that this must be what King Aegon the Conqueror felt like at the Field of Fire, when his dragons Balerion, Meraxes, and Vhagar set the armies of the Seven Kingdoms on fire after they would not submit.
Joffrey: You idiot! Look! Our ships are on fire too! Our ships are burning!
Tyrion: Yeah, I know. It was sort of part of the plan. They were doomed anyway. I know it sucks, but it's the way it has to be. If we didn't have our Royal Fleet there, Stannis would have suspected a trap and his fleet wouldn't have come in. It was the only way. And still, my plan didn't work 100% effectively. The fire didn't spread to the southern side of the Blackwater as I had hoped. Thirty or so of their ships appear to have survived. Those ships are beginning to land their forces. We might have some time though. Stannis's forces are probably pretty shell shocked after just getting out of that jade holocaust.
Random Solider: Oh SNAP. "Jade Holocaust." Band name?
Tyrion: Maybe? Nah, probably a bit offensive. My point is... the battle isn't done yet. Those soldiers will eventually regroup and attack.
Tyrion knows that Stannis's surviving forces are enough to put up a good fight. The only way Kings Landing will be able to survive the assault is if their forces don't panic and flee. And the only way they won't panic or flee is if they can see that the battle is going their way. And the only way to make sure the battle goes their way is to be on the offense.
Tyrion: Okay, we're going to have to lead some sorties to attack Stannis's men!
Hound: What's a sortie?
Tyrion: An attack made by troops coming out from a position of defense.
Hound: Ah. I really don't like all that fire bullshit out there. So much fire.
Tyrion: We must attack Stannis's soldiers coming out of the river! Also, order that the Three Whores be moved!
Solider: Which three whores are those? We've got a lot of prostitutes in this series. We've got Chataya, Alayaya, Dancy, Marei, Penny Jenny, Shae...
Tyrion: SHH! Don't mention Shae. Keep her on the down low. And no, none of them. I'm talking about the three trebuchets we have in place.
Hound: What's a trebuchet?
Tyrion: Catapult. Just pretend I said "catapult." Anyway, they used to be pointed at the Blackwater to attack Stannis's ships. Now we need to turn them to throw stuff at Stannis's crews that are coming ashore.
Joffrey: WHAT?! I want to go to the Three Whores! Mommy promised that I could be there. That's where we're keeping the Antler Men that tried to rebel against us. We're going to fling the Antler Men from the catapults. It's gonna be so sweet!
Tyrion: Fine. Whatever, sicko. I guess we can "send them back to Stannis." Haha, get it? Because they wanted to be with Stannis. And now they will be. Except in missile format.
Joffrey: Yaaaaay!
Joffrey runs off, escorted by the Kingsguard, skipping like a foppish dandy and excited to find new, sick ways to end people's lives.
Messenger: Lord Tyrion! Lord Tyrion! Dire news, ser. A group of Stannis's men have made landfall at the tournament grounds. They are headed to the King's Gate. They've got a battering ram and they're trying to break it down. King's Landing is about to be penetrated!
Tyrion: Tee-hee. Penetrated. I mean... err... HOUND, gather these Gold Cloaks and sellswords into a sortie. We must defend the King's Gate!
Hound: Nope.
Tyrion: What do you mean, "Nope?"
Hound: It means "No."
Tyrion: Is this because you just learned what a "sortie" is? Look, it's not that difficult. You've led things like this before tons of times. You just didn't know what it was called.
Hound: Nah. I'm not doing it. I'm done. I quit.
Tyrion: WHY? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU QUIT?
Tyrion looks around and sees crazy amounts of Wildfire in the distance at every angle. The city is on fire. The Blackwater is on fire. Fire everywhere.
Tyrion: Ah, wait. I get it now. PTSD. That and you're a little punk-ass scaredey cat. Okay look. How about you don't lead the sortie into the fire? How about we actually open the gates and have the enemy come towards us? Then you ambush them and kill them?
Hound: Still no. I'm done.
Ser Mandon Moore: Obey the Lord Hand, Clegane!!!
Hound: Nah. Are you going to make me, Mandy?
Mandy Moore: Not really.
Tyrion: Well SOMEONE has to lead this sortie!
He looks around. He just sees a bunch of idiots.
Tyrion: What about you?
Mandy Moore: I mean I guess I could lead the battle. But do you really think the soldiers are all going to follow someone named "Mandy Moore?"
Tyrion: Damnit. Good point. It's got to be me, doesn't it? Somebody give me some wine for courage.
Podrick Payne: Here you go.
Hound: You? HAHAHAHA.
Tyrion: MEN... FORM UP!
All the soliders look at Tyrion like he's kidding.
Tyrion: Look at you. I said FORM UP. They say I'm a "half man." Well, if I'm a half man... what does that make the rest of you? Quarter men? I'd say "Octaroons," but that's pretty offensive with racial connotations. A bunch of scared little boys, afraid to fight... that's what you are! Well, I'll fight myself if I have to! You cowards. You ain't gonna hear me scream any bullshit like, "For King's Landing!" This is your city that Stannis wants to sack. Not mine. So protect it if you even have a set. Now let's kill this son of a bitch!"
Tyrion pulls out his axe and leads the charge. He doesn't even look back to see if anyone is following him
Tyrion: I'm not sure I should be proud of this or what. My plans with the chain and the wildfire has pretty much worked flawlessly. So I should feel really good for being a tactical master. But then again, I'm also now responsible for the deaths of thousands. Which might weigh slightly on my conscience. But then again, I guess they were trying to kill us. So should I really feel that bad?
He imagines that this must be what King Aegon the Conqueror felt like at the Field of Fire, when his dragons Balerion, Meraxes, and Vhagar set the armies of the Seven Kingdoms on fire after they would not submit.
Joffrey: You idiot! Look! Our ships are on fire too! Our ships are burning!
Tyrion: Yeah, I know. It was sort of part of the plan. They were doomed anyway. I know it sucks, but it's the way it has to be. If we didn't have our Royal Fleet there, Stannis would have suspected a trap and his fleet wouldn't have come in. It was the only way. And still, my plan didn't work 100% effectively. The fire didn't spread to the southern side of the Blackwater as I had hoped. Thirty or so of their ships appear to have survived. Those ships are beginning to land their forces. We might have some time though. Stannis's forces are probably pretty shell shocked after just getting out of that jade holocaust.
Random Solider: Oh SNAP. "Jade Holocaust." Band name?
Tyrion: Maybe? Nah, probably a bit offensive. My point is... the battle isn't done yet. Those soldiers will eventually regroup and attack.
Tyrion knows that Stannis's surviving forces are enough to put up a good fight. The only way Kings Landing will be able to survive the assault is if their forces don't panic and flee. And the only way they won't panic or flee is if they can see that the battle is going their way. And the only way to make sure the battle goes their way is to be on the offense.
Tyrion: Okay, we're going to have to lead some sorties to attack Stannis's men!
Hound: What's a sortie?
Tyrion: An attack made by troops coming out from a position of defense.
Hound: Ah. I really don't like all that fire bullshit out there. So much fire.
Tyrion: We must attack Stannis's soldiers coming out of the river! Also, order that the Three Whores be moved!
Solider: Which three whores are those? We've got a lot of prostitutes in this series. We've got Chataya, Alayaya, Dancy, Marei, Penny Jenny, Shae...
Tyrion: SHH! Don't mention Shae. Keep her on the down low. And no, none of them. I'm talking about the three trebuchets we have in place.
Hound: What's a trebuchet?
Tyrion: Catapult. Just pretend I said "catapult." Anyway, they used to be pointed at the Blackwater to attack Stannis's ships. Now we need to turn them to throw stuff at Stannis's crews that are coming ashore.
Joffrey: WHAT?! I want to go to the Three Whores! Mommy promised that I could be there. That's where we're keeping the Antler Men that tried to rebel against us. We're going to fling the Antler Men from the catapults. It's gonna be so sweet!
Tyrion: Fine. Whatever, sicko. I guess we can "send them back to Stannis." Haha, get it? Because they wanted to be with Stannis. And now they will be. Except in missile format.
Joffrey: Yaaaaay!
Joffrey runs off, escorted by the Kingsguard, skipping like a foppish dandy and excited to find new, sick ways to end people's lives.
Messenger: Lord Tyrion! Lord Tyrion! Dire news, ser. A group of Stannis's men have made landfall at the tournament grounds. They are headed to the King's Gate. They've got a battering ram and they're trying to break it down. King's Landing is about to be penetrated!
Tyrion: Tee-hee. Penetrated. I mean... err... HOUND, gather these Gold Cloaks and sellswords into a sortie. We must defend the King's Gate!
Hound: Nope.
Tyrion: What do you mean, "Nope?"
Hound: It means "No."
Tyrion: Is this because you just learned what a "sortie" is? Look, it's not that difficult. You've led things like this before tons of times. You just didn't know what it was called.
Hound: Nah. I'm not doing it. I'm done. I quit.
Tyrion: WHY? WHY ON EARTH WOULD YOU QUIT?
Tyrion looks around and sees crazy amounts of Wildfire in the distance at every angle. The city is on fire. The Blackwater is on fire. Fire everywhere.
Tyrion: Ah, wait. I get it now. PTSD. That and you're a little punk-ass scaredey cat. Okay look. How about you don't lead the sortie into the fire? How about we actually open the gates and have the enemy come towards us? Then you ambush them and kill them?
Hound: Still no. I'm done.
Ser Mandon Moore: Obey the Lord Hand, Clegane!!!
Hound: Nah. Are you going to make me, Mandy?
Mandy Moore: Not really.
Tyrion: Well SOMEONE has to lead this sortie!
He looks around. He just sees a bunch of idiots.
Tyrion: What about you?
Mandy Moore: I mean I guess I could lead the battle. But do you really think the soldiers are all going to follow someone named "Mandy Moore?"
Tyrion: Damnit. Good point. It's got to be me, doesn't it? Somebody give me some wine for courage.
Podrick Payne: Here you go.
Hound: You? HAHAHAHA.
Tyrion: MEN... FORM UP!
All the soliders look at Tyrion like he's kidding.
Tyrion: Look at you. I said FORM UP. They say I'm a "half man." Well, if I'm a half man... what does that make the rest of you? Quarter men? I'd say "Octaroons," but that's pretty offensive with racial connotations. A bunch of scared little boys, afraid to fight... that's what you are! Well, I'll fight myself if I have to! You cowards. You ain't gonna hear me scream any bullshit like, "For King's Landing!" This is your city that Stannis wants to sack. Not mine. So protect it if you even have a set. Now let's kill this son of a bitch!"
Tyrion pulls out his axe and leads the charge. He doesn't even look back to see if anyone is following him
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