ADwD 17: Jon IV

Oh yeah, it’s everyone’s favorite type of chapter… a PROVISIONS CHECKING chapter!!!

Jon: Really? We waiting through that fairly long hiatus between the last Dany chapter and this chapter... just so I could check provisions?

Bowen Marsh: Yes.

Jon: Way to psych people up for the final season premier in a few days. Talk about supplies.

Bowen: Shut up, Jon.

Jon: So what exactly are we doing?

Bowen: We’re going through all the stock and inventory of Castle Black and seeing what type of food and supplies we have left for everyone.

Jon: That sounds… boring.

Bowen: Well, you did send away every single interesting character here at the Wall.

Jon comes out of the tunnels where the supplies are being kept and finds…

Stannis’s Men: Hey, Stannis wants to talk to you.

Jon: So what’s new? Stannis always freaking wants to talk to me.

And thus Jon goes.

Jon: Whattup?

Stannis: Oh hey, bud! Have you heard that Justin Massey and Richard Horpe have returned?

Jon: Who the hell are they?

Stannis: Oh, they’re the guys that everyone in the Night’s Watch mockingly calls the “wrong way rangers” since they went on a mission South of the Wall, rather than north. Richard is super ambitious and totally thinks that I’m going to give Winterfell to him as a gift.

Horpe: HEY!

Stannis: And look who else is here...

Melisandre: Me, obviously.

Jon: Obviously.

Mel: *winks at Jon*

Rattleshirt: And me too!

Jon: OH SHIT! Rattleshirt?! Rattleshirt is still around?

Rattleshirt: Yes, it is I! Rattleshirt! Famed poet and harp player! Now let me pull out my harp and sing everyone a song about me, Mance! Uhh… and by “Mance,” I mean “Rattleshirt.”

Everyone looks at Rattleshirt funny. Melisandre just shakes her head in contempt.

Jon: You can’t trust Rattleshirt. He’s an asshole.

Mel: Oh, you can trust him now. He is bound to me by blood.

Jon: Gross. Is that like when Angelina Jolie went around carrying blood around her neck?

Mel: I'm not sure to answer that "yes" or "no." Which one is more likely for you to sleep with me?

Stannis: Tell me, Jon Snow. Can Crowfood to bend the knee to me?

Jon: Crowfood? You mean like corn?

Stannis: No. Mors Umber. The guy who everyone calls “Crowfood.” You know. The guy who wears the polar bear pelt.

Jon: Ah right, House Umber. Is Mors actually offering to bend the knee?

Stannis: Mayhaps. He wants the skull of Mance Rayder in return though.

Rattleshirt: WHAT?! My skull?! No! But I don’t… uhh… never mind. Pretend I didn’t say anything.

Stannis: But Mors doesn’t even bring all of House Umber with him. Another part of that house is following Hother “Whoresbane” Umber. And Whoresbane has teamed up with the Boltons. I would like Mors Umber to join my side – but can he be trusted if the Umbers themselves can’t decide what side they want to be on?

Jon: I doubt that Whoresbane actually cares for his alliance with Bolton. He is only on Bolton’s side because the Greatjon is still being held captive.

Stannis: Oh wow. Greatjon is still alive in the books?

Jon: Yeah, it’s confusing. In the books he’s taken captive at the Red Wedding, while his son Smalljon is killed.  In the show, neither is at the Red Wedding and the Smalljon character hasn’t even been introduced yet. They don’t get around to explaining anything until Season 6, when Smalljon shows up to Ramsay alive with some brief explanation that his father died off-camera some time in the last three seasons. Only while Smalljon in the books was fiercely loyal to the Starks and died fighting for Robb, Smalljon in the books is a weasely little bitch who is loyal to the Boltons, meaning he sort of takes on Whoresbane’s role from the books.

Stannis: I’m sorry I asked... because I did not care that much.

Jon: Anyway dude, yeah. Take Mors Umber’s troops. You’re going to need every man you can get if you plan to march south and fight. By the way… are you actually planning to do that any time soon? Not that I’m tired of your annoying ass and want you to go. But I am and I do.

Stannis: As a matter of fact, yes. I plan to take my troops along with a bunch of Wildlings that I outfit as soldiers and march to the Dreadfort, where Bolton’s bastard son is held up. Roose himself will be occupied at Moat Cailin.

Jon: Well that plan is dumb and won’t work.

Stannis’s Annoying Yes Men: SHUT UP, BASTARD! YOU’RE A COWARD!

Stannis: SHH! Quiet, you brown-nosers. Let me hear the boy out.

Jon: So first, if you don’t make the deal with Mors umber, he’ll probably tear your army apart before you even get to the Dreadfort. And you know what Mors really hates? Wildlings. So it’s a bad idea to team up with Wildlings. I say leave them here at Castle Black with me. You’re up here offering your Southern lords the lands that these Northern lords have controlled forever, and teaming up with the Wildlings that the Northern lords had fought forever and you’ll win zero allies. Next, the Dreadfort is super well-defended. A tiny, skeleton crew there could probably hold out for years against a much larger army. After that, you have the Moat Cailin situation. By the time you get down there, Calin will have probably already fallen. Once that happens and Roose and Ramsay join their forces… that will probably be five times larger than your army.

Stannis’s Annoying Yes Men: NO WAY! YOU SUCK!

Stannis: I said SHUT UP and let the boy talk to me. GET OUT! EVERYONE! GET OUT!

They hang their heads and leave. Everyone except for Melisandre.

Jon: Doesn’t she have to get out of here too?

Mel: No, that obviously doesn’t apply to me.

Stannis: Listen Jon. I know you refused me already about that whole “Winterfell” thing, but I think you should reconsider. I mean really… do you want freaking Richard Horpe to be the lord of Winterfell?

Jon: I am a bastard, the rightful heir to Winterfell is my sister, Sansa. Plus I know you’ll never give it to Horpe anyway.

Stannis: True. I’m actually thinking of giving it to Arnof Karstark. I mean… Stark… Karstark… close enough, right? Aren’t they sort of related to your family?

Jon: Like a thousand years ago or something. Still, that’s better than freaking Greyjoy or a Bolton, I suppose.

Stannis: More lords of the North need to join me if you don’t want me to use the Wildlings in my army. I’m starting to get paranoid. I haven’t heard back from Davos, who I sent to White Harbor. I imagine White Harbor must be a lost cause by now. 

Jon: Okay, counter-proposal. What if instead of using the Wildlings, you use the mountain clans?

Stannis: The who now?

Jon: The mountain clans. You’ll have to woo them though. You can’t just say “I’m your king” and order them. You have to “ask” them and go to their dinner parties and tell them that their ugly daughters are pretty. I know you think that’s all beneath you, but if you do that… they will have probably 3,000 men to lend you. They have always been loyal to the Starks.

Stannis: Hrmm. Maybe. I’ll think on it. Anyway, I plan to march soon. If I need to get in touch with you after I’ve left, I’ll just send a message to Melisandre and have it delivered to you.

Jon: What now? Melisandre is staying here? Why?

Mel: Oh, you know why, Jon Snow.

Mel pulls out an industrial size bottle of sex lube and blows kisses Jon’s way.

Jon: ANYWAY… like I was saying about the mountain clans… don’t march them to the Dreadfort either. Go to Deepwood Motte. It’s fiercely defended… to the South. That’s because it was designed to keep the southern invaders away. But they never expected an attack to come from up here in the north. You’ll catch them like sleeping ducks and establish a great victory. When the people of the north see you victoriously liberating Deepwoode Motte, the rest of the lords who haven’t already bent the knee to you will come running in droved.

Stannis: Hrmm. An interesting plan, Jon Snow. Attack the Ironborn instead? When Balon Greyjoy rose for the first time… I crushed his army at sea where they are supposedly the greatest fighters. Fighting them on land… that would be even easier! Once I destroy the Ironborn… the North will KNOW THEY HAVE THEIR KING!

Jon: Army at sea? Don’t you mean “Navy?”

Stannis: Whatever.