Davos has been imprisoned by Lord Wyman Manderly for two weeks.
Davos: The hell, man? Am I going to get some sort of trial or something?
Guard: Oh hey, the big man wants to see you.
Davos: Hahaha! Big man! I get it!
Guard: Hehehe, yeah. It’s a good one, right? You see… because he is both the “big man” in the sense that Lord Manderly is the Lord of White Harbor, and thus the highest ranking official in this city. However, in addition to that he is also morbidly obese from eating all that eel pie. Thus it’s sort of a double entendre.
Davos: Don’t explain the joke, asshole. That ruins the humor.
Guard: Fair enough. Oh, and by the way, I'm not just a guard. I'm Lord Wyman's cousin, Marlon. Marlon Wayans Manderly.
Davos is brought before Manderly. He is very dismayed to see that Wyman is surrounded by a bunch of asshats wearing Frey logos on their jerkins.
Solider: KNEEL BEFORE LORD MANDERLY, LOWLY ONION KNIGHT!
Davos: I’m sorry, but I cannot kneel before him.
Everyone in Court: *gasp*
Davos: No, it’s not a sign of disrespect. It’s just a basic matter of diplomatic protocol. You see, given my status of Hand of the King for Stannis Baratheon, I’m his representative and proxy in this court. Which technically means that I can’t kneel to Manderly because it would be the same as Stannis kneeling to Manderly. And obviously a king doesn’t kneel before a lord. It goes the other way around.
Everyone in Court, Except the Freys: Oh yeah. That makes sense. Good point!
Rhaegar, Jared and Symond Frey: HEY!!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! NOOO!!! BOOO!!! BOO!!!
Wyman’s Granddaughter, Wynafryd: Right, exactly. Boo to this guy Davos for not bowing to my granddad. This guy calls himself the Hand of the King? Please. He's a hand without fingers!
Everyone in Court: OH SNAP! Good one, Wynafryd!
Wynafryd: And I’m not just saying that because I’m being forcibly married to Rhaegar Frey, despite the fact that his family is presently holding my father as a hostage and murdered my uncle Wendel at the Red Wedding.
Lord Manderly: Yes, you are no true representative of a king, Davos. You are but an onion smuggler. I mean maybe if you were an eel pie smuggler, it would be one thing.
Davos: Really? Says the dickwad who is now allying with the people who killed his son and has his other son as a hostage?
Jared: LIES! LIES! THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL! Everyone knows what REALLY happened at the Red Wedding…
Rhaegar Frey: Yeah man, even for us Freys, that was a bit over the top.
Jared: It’s what happened!
Lord Manderly: YES! I believe it totally! 100% I believe this story from Jared. People named Jared are always trustworthy.
Leona Woodfield, Wynafryd’s Mom: Indeed. The Freys are kind and trustworthy people. They would never hold my husband, Wylis, against his will. In fact, Wylis is on his way back to us at White Harbor now. He was just having a nice, long vacation at the Twins. Yes. A vacation. Nobody should listen to the lies of this man who speaks against the Iron Throne, and the TRUE KING… Tommen!
Davos: Tommen is a usurper, born of incest between Jaime Lannister and Cersei! He is no son of Robert. The true heir to Robert is his brother, Stannis.
Lord Manderly: I see, Onion Knight. And I suppose you have proof of this. Perhaps pictures? A video recording?
Davos: Well no, since neither of those things exist yet.
Leona: TREASON! TREASON! He spreads lies against the king with nothing to back it up! And not to mention that Stannis is an apostate! He and all of his men now worship that false red god instead of the Seven!
Davos: That’s not true. I won’t defend that Red Witch, but Stannis and many of his men are believers in the Seven, myself included.
Lord Manderly: What does Stannis offer me in return for an alliance?
Davos: Uhh… well, since he’s THE KING, he offers you the chance to do your duty and not be a little treasonous bitch.
Marlon "Wayans" Manderly: Stannis offers us only death and defeat!
Davos: No! Stannis offers you the chance for REVENGE! These Freys and their Lannister allies murdered your King, Robb Stark. They murdered the Lord of the North before him, Ned Stark. They murdered his lady wife. They murdered Wendel Manderly, and so many others. Look. There are Wendel’s bones over in that corner!
He points to a pile of bones.
Symond Frey: Hey! That was a gift! We brought his bones back and everything.
Davos: My point is… You need not be afraid of these Freys and Lannisters anymore. With Stannis… you shall have your vengeance!
Everyone in Court, Except the Freys: Hrmmm. This actually sounds like a pretty good offer.
Freys: BOOO!!! BOOOOO!!!! BOOOO!!!!
Little Wylla Frey, Lord Manderly’s Young Granddaughter: Grandpa! This Davos guy is right. We swore an oath to be loyal to the.
Maester Theomore: SHH! Hush now, little one. The Starks are all dead now.
Wylla: Right. Because THESE ASSHOLES killed them!
She points at the Freys. They get super nervous and sweat beads come from their head.
Rhaegar Frey: Uhh… uhh… Arya Stark is still alive! She’s on her way to marry Ramsay Bolton, son of Lord Bolton! The very man who KING TOMMEN has appointed as the new Warden of the North. You should be loyal to your king, to your new warden… and to the Starks who shall marry into the family of the new warden.
Wylla: Ramsay SNOW is a monster! He made his last wife eat her own fingers and murdered her.
Rhaegar: WHAAAAA? Nooo! I don’t know where you heard that story from! The real monster was Robb Stark! We had to kill him! Tommen is the only hope for peace.
Lord Manderly finally stands up, although very, very, very, very, very slowly. He is fat.
Three minutes later…
Lord Manderly: —ENOUGH! *eats some eel pie before continuing* Guards, seize this man!
Davos: STOP! You cannot seize me! I am a royal envoy! I have diplomatic immunity!
Lord Manderly: An envoy? You snuck into my city like a smuggler under the cover of darkness. You are no envoy. You are a spy, a thief, a liar, and a peddler of treason! MARLON! Take this traitor to the Wolf’s Den and cut off his hands and head. I want them brought to me before I eat dinner. I shall not be able to eat another bite until I see his head upon a pike, with an onion stuffed between his teeth!
Marlon: At once, my lord.
Lord Manderly: *starts eating another eel pie*
Marlon: Wait… I thought you just said you wouldn’t eat another bite until—
Lord Manderly: —I KNOW WHAT I SAID! *munch*munch*
And thus Davos is taken away to be executed.
Davos: SHIT! Really? Two chapters in a row?
Davos: The hell, man? Am I going to get some sort of trial or something?
Guard: Oh hey, the big man wants to see you.
Davos: Hahaha! Big man! I get it!
Guard: Hehehe, yeah. It’s a good one, right? You see… because he is both the “big man” in the sense that Lord Manderly is the Lord of White Harbor, and thus the highest ranking official in this city. However, in addition to that he is also morbidly obese from eating all that eel pie. Thus it’s sort of a double entendre.
Davos: Don’t explain the joke, asshole. That ruins the humor.
Guard: Fair enough. Oh, and by the way, I'm not just a guard. I'm Lord Wyman's cousin, Marlon. Marlon Wayans Manderly.
Davos is brought before Manderly. He is very dismayed to see that Wyman is surrounded by a bunch of asshats wearing Frey logos on their jerkins.
Solider: KNEEL BEFORE LORD MANDERLY, LOWLY ONION KNIGHT!
Davos: I’m sorry, but I cannot kneel before him.
Everyone in Court: *gasp*
Davos: No, it’s not a sign of disrespect. It’s just a basic matter of diplomatic protocol. You see, given my status of Hand of the King for Stannis Baratheon, I’m his representative and proxy in this court. Which technically means that I can’t kneel to Manderly because it would be the same as Stannis kneeling to Manderly. And obviously a king doesn’t kneel before a lord. It goes the other way around.
Everyone in Court, Except the Freys: Oh yeah. That makes sense. Good point!
Rhaegar, Jared and Symond Frey: HEY!!!! WAIT A MINUTE!!! NOOO!!! BOOO!!! BOO!!!
Wyman’s Granddaughter, Wynafryd: Right, exactly. Boo to this guy Davos for not bowing to my granddad. This guy calls himself the Hand of the King? Please. He's a hand without fingers!
Everyone in Court: OH SNAP! Good one, Wynafryd!
Wynafryd: And I’m not just saying that because I’m being forcibly married to Rhaegar Frey, despite the fact that his family is presently holding my father as a hostage and murdered my uncle Wendel at the Red Wedding.
Lord Manderly: Yes, you are no true representative of a king, Davos. You are but an onion smuggler. I mean maybe if you were an eel pie smuggler, it would be one thing.
Davos: Really? Says the dickwad who is now allying with the people who killed his son and has his other son as a hostage?
Jared: LIES! LIES! THAT’S NOT TRUE AT ALL! Everyone knows what REALLY happened at the Red Wedding…
Robb Stark: Oh hey everyone. I just got done raping babies. A whole lot of babies.Davos: —Wait, wait wait. Stop this story right there, Jared. Do you really think anyone believes that shit?
Lord Frey: What? No! That’s a terrible thing to do! Stop doing that, Robb.
Cat Stark: No way, Walder. We Starks love raping babies. And we’re going to do it forever!
Lord Frey: We Freys are not people of violence, so we don’t want to hurt you. But that type of behavior is completely reprehensible. We’ve got to find a diplomatic way to get you to stop doing this, for the sake of babies everywhere.
Robb Stark: How dare you try to stop me from raping babies! YOU HAVE ANGERED ME FOR THE LAST TIME!
Robb Stark transforms into a direwolf and starts killing men, women and children without any regard. He kills his own mother, and then kills Wendel Manderly, and then kills Jinglebell.
Wolf Robb: MWHAHAHA! My thirst for the blood of the innocent will not be satisfied until I kill you too, Walder Frey!
Lord Frey: Oh no! Although the Frey Motto is, “Violence is Never the Answer”… I’m afraid on this one occasion, we Freys must break that holy vow of peace and love to stop this wolf-monster man! I fear I must—
Rhaegar Frey: Yeah man, even for us Freys, that was a bit over the top.
Jared: It’s what happened!
Lord Manderly: YES! I believe it totally! 100% I believe this story from Jared. People named Jared are always trustworthy.
Leona Woodfield, Wynafryd’s Mom: Indeed. The Freys are kind and trustworthy people. They would never hold my husband, Wylis, against his will. In fact, Wylis is on his way back to us at White Harbor now. He was just having a nice, long vacation at the Twins. Yes. A vacation. Nobody should listen to the lies of this man who speaks against the Iron Throne, and the TRUE KING… Tommen!
Davos: Tommen is a usurper, born of incest between Jaime Lannister and Cersei! He is no son of Robert. The true heir to Robert is his brother, Stannis.
Lord Manderly: I see, Onion Knight. And I suppose you have proof of this. Perhaps pictures? A video recording?
Davos: Well no, since neither of those things exist yet.
Leona: TREASON! TREASON! He spreads lies against the king with nothing to back it up! And not to mention that Stannis is an apostate! He and all of his men now worship that false red god instead of the Seven!
Davos: That’s not true. I won’t defend that Red Witch, but Stannis and many of his men are believers in the Seven, myself included.
Lord Manderly: What does Stannis offer me in return for an alliance?
Davos: Uhh… well, since he’s THE KING, he offers you the chance to do your duty and not be a little treasonous bitch.
Marlon "Wayans" Manderly: Stannis offers us only death and defeat!
Davos: No! Stannis offers you the chance for REVENGE! These Freys and their Lannister allies murdered your King, Robb Stark. They murdered the Lord of the North before him, Ned Stark. They murdered his lady wife. They murdered Wendel Manderly, and so many others. Look. There are Wendel’s bones over in that corner!
He points to a pile of bones.
Symond Frey: Hey! That was a gift! We brought his bones back and everything.
Davos: My point is… You need not be afraid of these Freys and Lannisters anymore. With Stannis… you shall have your vengeance!
Everyone in Court, Except the Freys: Hrmmm. This actually sounds like a pretty good offer.
Freys: BOOO!!! BOOOOO!!!! BOOOO!!!!
Little Wylla Frey, Lord Manderly’s Young Granddaughter: Grandpa! This Davos guy is right. We swore an oath to be loyal to the.
Maester Theomore: SHH! Hush now, little one. The Starks are all dead now.
Wylla: Right. Because THESE ASSHOLES killed them!
She points at the Freys. They get super nervous and sweat beads come from their head.
Rhaegar Frey: Uhh… uhh… Arya Stark is still alive! She’s on her way to marry Ramsay Bolton, son of Lord Bolton! The very man who KING TOMMEN has appointed as the new Warden of the North. You should be loyal to your king, to your new warden… and to the Starks who shall marry into the family of the new warden.
Wylla: Ramsay SNOW is a monster! He made his last wife eat her own fingers and murdered her.
Rhaegar: WHAAAAA? Nooo! I don’t know where you heard that story from! The real monster was Robb Stark! We had to kill him! Tommen is the only hope for peace.
Lord Manderly finally stands up, although very, very, very, very, very slowly. He is fat.
Three minutes later…
Lord Manderly: —ENOUGH! *eats some eel pie before continuing* Guards, seize this man!
Davos: STOP! You cannot seize me! I am a royal envoy! I have diplomatic immunity!
Lord Manderly: An envoy? You snuck into my city like a smuggler under the cover of darkness. You are no envoy. You are a spy, a thief, a liar, and a peddler of treason! MARLON! Take this traitor to the Wolf’s Den and cut off his hands and head. I want them brought to me before I eat dinner. I shall not be able to eat another bite until I see his head upon a pike, with an onion stuffed between his teeth!
Marlon: At once, my lord.
Lord Manderly: *starts eating another eel pie*
Marlon: Wait… I thought you just said you wouldn’t eat another bite until—
Lord Manderly: —I KNOW WHAT I SAID! *munch*munch*
And thus Davos is taken away to be executed.
Davos: SHIT! Really? Two chapters in a row?
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