The vessel Shy Maid travels through a thick fog along the river Rhoyne.
Tyrion (aka Hugor Hill): Wow. The fog sure is thick.
Ysilla: Yes, the narrator explained that already.
Tyrion: Oh. Where exactly are we? And I don’t mean “along the Rhoyne.” I mean more specifically.
Ysilla: Ah, well this place is called “the Sorrows.”
Tyrion: How cheery.
Ysilla: It’s said that the fog here has an evil, sorcerous origin.
Tyrion, Publicly: Hahaha, that’s the dumbesting thing I’ve ever heard! Magic fog!
Tyrion, in his Head: OH SHIT. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. HAUNTED FOG!!!
Ysilla: Now let me tell you the legend of the Shrouded Lord.
Tyrion: Or let’s not. Didn’t we already talk about this? The basic point of the story is that "Stone Men live around here and want to kill us," right?
Ysilla: *shrugs* I guess.
They pass by some more ruins.
Yandry: These are the ruins of Chroyane, which was once the most beautiful city in the world! They say its buildings were made of gold and its streets made of water!
Tyrion: If it had “streets made of water” than it was technically a canal.
Yandry: Yes, that’s true. I suppose.
Tyrion: And if the buildings were made of gold… then wouldn’t the ruins be gold too? Those ruins just look like old stone.
Yandry: Well… erm…
Tyrion: If it was REALLY made of gold, people would be here taking it all, Stone Men be damned. That would be worth the risk for most people.
In the fog, they see an object emerging and coming closer to them.
Griff: Hrm. Better be careful. Could be those river pirates.
But as the object gets closer, it is clearly just another trade boat, going up the river rather than down it.
People on Other Boat: Oh hey other boat people! We’re on a boat too! Pretty cool, huh?
Griff: What news is there from the south?
People on Other Boat: Oh, same ol’, same ol’. Erm… except for the rumors of a HUGE, RAGING WAR IN VOLANTIS!
Griff: DAMN IT! That is really not good for our plans.
But they continue on anyway.
Next they pass by a huge, ruined palace of Chroyane.
Ysilla: That’s the “Palace of Love.” Or at least it used to be. Now they call it the "Palace of Sorrow." You know, what with the whole “the Sorrows” theme we got going here.
Tyrion: WOW! Look at that thing! It’s huge! And those flying buttresses. Even the ruins look all eloquent and amazing. That thing must have been 10 times the size of the Red Keep of King’s Landing and 100 times more beautiful!
Griff: Well, size you can certainly measure, but beauty is more of a subjective thing.
Tyrion: Shut up, Griff. Anyway, since it’s called the Palace of “Love,” now seems like as good as a time as any to start day dreaming about Tysha again. Ahhh…. Tysha. Where do whores go?
Yandry: Hugor! There is a Septa and a young boy like 12 feet away from you. Why do you keep saying “whore?”
Tyrion: Sorry.
The next landmark they cross is the “Bridge of Dream.”
Griff: Okay guys, we have to be especially careful here. The Stone Men like to hang out on this bridge. Sometimes they even throw themselves off of the bridge, so that they can land on any passing ships below. We need to be extra careful. And extra quiet! If a Stone Man touches you… you turn into a stone man.
Tyrion: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Griff: *sigh* Ready some torches. Those dudes are scared as hell of fire. Young Griff, this is dangerous. Please go below deck with Septa Lemore.
Young Griff: No way! I ain’t scared of no stupid Stone Men! I’m brave! I’m staying out here.
Tyrion: Now, now, Young Griff. Obey your “father.” If one of us dies, nobody cares… but if you die… well… that would be bad because you’re “everything.”
Young Griff: Why does it sound like you’re coming on to me? And why do you keep putting air quotes around words?
Tyrion: *shrug*
Griff: SHHH!!!! Everyone! Bridge! I said “be quiet!”
They pass under the Bridge of Dreams without incident.
Tyrion: Oh, well that was totally unexpected. There was all that lead up to the Bridge of Dreams being this scary place where Stone Men would attack us. But nothing happened. Nothing at all.
Griff: Well, don’t make it sound like you WANTED us to be attacked.
Young Griff: Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! Let’s back up. I still want to know what is up with Hugor guy talking about me like that. I’m about to fight this dude, yo.
Tyrion: Oh, I just meant that this whole enterprise will be un-done if you die. Die again, I mean.
Young Griff: Die again? What do you mean? I’m not dead!
Tyrion: Really? Because I recall my Lord father wrapping your corpse up in a crimson cloak and laying your body at the side of the Iron Throne, as a gift to his new king… Robert Baratheon. Isn’t that right… AEGON TARGARYEN, SON OF RHAEGAR AND ELIA! The child who was supposedly killed by The Mountain.
Young Griff, AKA “Aegon Targaryen:” SHIT! How did you know?! And it wasn't me who died. It was some boy that got swapped out with me. HEY! Wait… your “Lord Father?!” But… but… that means… you must be… TYRION LANNISTER!
Tyrion: THAT I AM!
Aegon: Wow! I can’t believe that this battle-scarred imp missing a nose that I have been traveling with is the same, world famous battle-scared imp who went missing from King’s Landing right before you arrived here in Essos. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Everyone Else: …
Griff: Well, well, well. You worked it all out, did you, Tyrion? Well good for you. You know that the boy is Aegon.
Tyrion: And that’s not all! I’ve also worked out who you are, Griff. Or should I say… JON CONNINGTON, Lord of Griffin’s Roost and former Hand of the King to Mad King Aerys II!
Jon Connington *slow clap* Great. So now we all know who we are. Fan-freaking-tastic. Why don’t you just pat yourself on the back and—
Ysilla: —Uh… hey guys. These ruins that we’re passing to the left look a WHOLE LOT like the ones we just passed to the right a few minutes ago.
Tyrion: Hrm, now that you mention it, they do look like—
Jon Connington: —OH SHIT! OH SHIT! THE BRIDGE OF DREAMS! SOMEHOW WE GOT TURNED AROUND BY THE CURRENTS AND ARE GOING BACK UNDER THE BRIDGE!!!
This time, Stone Men start dropping from the bridge. They’re basically really stupid zombies with no coordination, so most of them just fall into the water and drown. However, like a good species that engages in hive activities, enough of them fall onto the boat so that they can attack.
Tyrion: AGGH!!! AGHHH!!! STONE MEN!
One of the Stone Men stumbles towards Young Griff / Aegon.
Tyrion runs over and knocks the boy out of the way, and pushes the Stone Man to the side of the ship with his torch.
Tyrion: That’s right! GET! GET, BOY! GET!
The Stone man rips the torch away and attacks Tyron. They both fall into the river below.
Tyrion, in his Head: Well shit. Is this how I’m going to die? Drowning in a river? Well, I hope the poor schmuck with the next chapter doesn’t also have their chapter end with a cliffhanger about them probably dying.
Tyrion (aka Hugor Hill): Wow. The fog sure is thick.
Ysilla: Yes, the narrator explained that already.
Tyrion: Oh. Where exactly are we? And I don’t mean “along the Rhoyne.” I mean more specifically.
Ysilla: Ah, well this place is called “the Sorrows.”
Tyrion: How cheery.
Ysilla: It’s said that the fog here has an evil, sorcerous origin.
Tyrion, Publicly: Hahaha, that’s the dumbesting thing I’ve ever heard! Magic fog!
Tyrion, in his Head: OH SHIT. WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE. HAUNTED FOG!!!
Ysilla: Now let me tell you the legend of the Shrouded Lord.
Tyrion: Or let’s not. Didn’t we already talk about this? The basic point of the story is that "Stone Men live around here and want to kill us," right?
Ysilla: *shrugs* I guess.
They pass by some more ruins.
Yandry: These are the ruins of Chroyane, which was once the most beautiful city in the world! They say its buildings were made of gold and its streets made of water!
Tyrion: If it had “streets made of water” than it was technically a canal.
Yandry: Yes, that’s true. I suppose.
Tyrion: And if the buildings were made of gold… then wouldn’t the ruins be gold too? Those ruins just look like old stone.
Yandry: Well… erm…
Tyrion: If it was REALLY made of gold, people would be here taking it all, Stone Men be damned. That would be worth the risk for most people.
In the fog, they see an object emerging and coming closer to them.
Griff: Hrm. Better be careful. Could be those river pirates.
But as the object gets closer, it is clearly just another trade boat, going up the river rather than down it.
People on Other Boat: Oh hey other boat people! We’re on a boat too! Pretty cool, huh?
Griff: What news is there from the south?
People on Other Boat: Oh, same ol’, same ol’. Erm… except for the rumors of a HUGE, RAGING WAR IN VOLANTIS!
Griff: DAMN IT! That is really not good for our plans.
But they continue on anyway.
Next they pass by a huge, ruined palace of Chroyane.
Ysilla: That’s the “Palace of Love.” Or at least it used to be. Now they call it the "Palace of Sorrow." You know, what with the whole “the Sorrows” theme we got going here.
Tyrion: WOW! Look at that thing! It’s huge! And those flying buttresses. Even the ruins look all eloquent and amazing. That thing must have been 10 times the size of the Red Keep of King’s Landing and 100 times more beautiful!
Griff: Well, size you can certainly measure, but beauty is more of a subjective thing.
Tyrion: Shut up, Griff. Anyway, since it’s called the Palace of “Love,” now seems like as good as a time as any to start day dreaming about Tysha again. Ahhh…. Tysha. Where do whores go?
Yandry: Hugor! There is a Septa and a young boy like 12 feet away from you. Why do you keep saying “whore?”
Tyrion: Sorry.
The next landmark they cross is the “Bridge of Dream.”
Griff: Okay guys, we have to be especially careful here. The Stone Men like to hang out on this bridge. Sometimes they even throw themselves off of the bridge, so that they can land on any passing ships below. We need to be extra careful. And extra quiet! If a Stone Man touches you… you turn into a stone man.
Tyrion: WHAT DID YOU SAY?
Griff: *sigh* Ready some torches. Those dudes are scared as hell of fire. Young Griff, this is dangerous. Please go below deck with Septa Lemore.
Young Griff: No way! I ain’t scared of no stupid Stone Men! I’m brave! I’m staying out here.
Tyrion: Now, now, Young Griff. Obey your “father.” If one of us dies, nobody cares… but if you die… well… that would be bad because you’re “everything.”
Young Griff: Why does it sound like you’re coming on to me? And why do you keep putting air quotes around words?
Tyrion: *shrug*
Griff: SHHH!!!! Everyone! Bridge! I said “be quiet!”
They pass under the Bridge of Dreams without incident.
Tyrion: Oh, well that was totally unexpected. There was all that lead up to the Bridge of Dreams being this scary place where Stone Men would attack us. But nothing happened. Nothing at all.
Griff: Well, don’t make it sound like you WANTED us to be attacked.
Young Griff: Wait, wait, wait! Stop it! Let’s back up. I still want to know what is up with Hugor guy talking about me like that. I’m about to fight this dude, yo.
Tyrion: Oh, I just meant that this whole enterprise will be un-done if you die. Die again, I mean.
Young Griff: Die again? What do you mean? I’m not dead!
Tyrion: Really? Because I recall my Lord father wrapping your corpse up in a crimson cloak and laying your body at the side of the Iron Throne, as a gift to his new king… Robert Baratheon. Isn’t that right… AEGON TARGARYEN, SON OF RHAEGAR AND ELIA! The child who was supposedly killed by The Mountain.
Young Griff, AKA “Aegon Targaryen:” SHIT! How did you know?! And it wasn't me who died. It was some boy that got swapped out with me. HEY! Wait… your “Lord Father?!” But… but… that means… you must be… TYRION LANNISTER!
Tyrion: THAT I AM!
Aegon: Wow! I can’t believe that this battle-scarred imp missing a nose that I have been traveling with is the same, world famous battle-scared imp who went missing from King’s Landing right before you arrived here in Essos. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?
Everyone Else: …
Griff: Well, well, well. You worked it all out, did you, Tyrion? Well good for you. You know that the boy is Aegon.
Tyrion: And that’s not all! I’ve also worked out who you are, Griff. Or should I say… JON CONNINGTON, Lord of Griffin’s Roost and former Hand of the King to Mad King Aerys II!
Jon Connington *slow clap* Great. So now we all know who we are. Fan-freaking-tastic. Why don’t you just pat yourself on the back and—
Ysilla: —Uh… hey guys. These ruins that we’re passing to the left look a WHOLE LOT like the ones we just passed to the right a few minutes ago.
Tyrion: Hrm, now that you mention it, they do look like—
Jon Connington: —OH SHIT! OH SHIT! THE BRIDGE OF DREAMS! SOMEHOW WE GOT TURNED AROUND BY THE CURRENTS AND ARE GOING BACK UNDER THE BRIDGE!!!
This time, Stone Men start dropping from the bridge. They’re basically really stupid zombies with no coordination, so most of them just fall into the water and drown. However, like a good species that engages in hive activities, enough of them fall onto the boat so that they can attack.
Tyrion: AGGH!!! AGHHH!!! STONE MEN!
One of the Stone Men stumbles towards Young Griff / Aegon.
Tyrion runs over and knocks the boy out of the way, and pushes the Stone Man to the side of the ship with his torch.
Tyrion: That’s right! GET! GET, BOY! GET!
The Stone man rips the torch away and attacks Tyron. They both fall into the river below.
Tyrion, in his Head: Well shit. Is this how I’m going to die? Drowning in a river? Well, I hope the poor schmuck with the next chapter doesn’t also have their chapter end with a cliffhanger about them probably dying.
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