Quentyn Martell, previously disguised as a Merchant, is now disguised as a squire in the Windblown mercenary company, named “Frog.” Portraying the knight he is the squire for is Gerris Drinkwater, going under the nickname “Drink.” They are on the outskirts of Astapor, where their company has been fighting the “New Unsullied” after sailing here.
Quentyn: Well that’s a dumb name.
Dick Straw: Hi everyone!
Quentyn: But at least it’s not as dumb a name as “Dick Straw.”
Dick: I hear that the Dragon Queen is marching on Yunkai. We must move north to meet her!
Gerris: Well, let’s do that! *whispers* Because we’re on a secret mission to defect to her side anyway.
Dick: Huh?
Gerris: Uhh. Nothing.
Gerris and Quentyn walk over to a corner.
Quentyn: Hey, Gerris.
Gerris: Shh! You gotta call me “Drink,” and I gotta call you “Frog.” It’s our secret identities.
Quentyn: Yeah, whatever. Dumb. I guess we’re going to get new identities every chapter. Anyway, do you still think it’s a good idea to go to this Dany girl?
Gerris: Of course! Your father sent us on a mission. Many of our friends have already died along the way. You must marry the Targaryen girl and bring her back with us to Dorne to claim the Seven Kingdoms.
Quentyn: I know, I know. That was the plan. But have you heard these things that they’ve been saying about Dany? It’s like she’s some sort of monster.
Gerris: Yeah, I’ve heard that stuff. I don’t think you can believe it though.
Quentyn: They say she’s a lusty, murderous monster who kills the innocent. She practices human sacrifice. They say she has sex with one of her captains, who has a foot-long cock. But even that foot-long cock isn’t big enough for her, so she prefers to have sex with horses since no man can fill her needs.
Gerris: Who are the “they” in “they say.”
Quentyn: Fox News.
Gerris: Well there you go.
Quentyn: If she’s as crazy as they say she is… like her father the mad king… do I still have to marry her?
Gerris: *shrug*
Archibald Yronwood: Hey! I’m in this scene too! And my new nickname is "Greenguts."
But nobody cares about Archibald Yronwood, so you can disregard him.
Quentyn: Still, if we’re marching on Yunkai, that’s good. I’m ready to get the hell out of Astapor. This place has been a slaughterhouse.
The Windblown Company marches out, heading towards Yunkai. With them are the infantry of Old Ghis, as well as the surving members of the “Wise Masters” of Yunkai with their slave soldiers.
Still, is they are going to meet Dany in Yunkai… then they will also face the REAL Unsullied soliders, as well as Dany’s dragons. That prospect haunts Quentyn.
Quentyn: Psst! Gerris! I mean… uhh… “Drink.” Don’t you feel kind of bad about breaking our oath to this company? I mean over the last several weeks, we’ve fought side-by-side with hem and become their friends. It’s a total dick move that we’ll betray them soon.
Gerris: Yeah, that sort of sucks. But we gotta do it.
Quentyn: I suppose. But how exactly are we going to abandon the Wildblown and join team Dany?
Gerris: We need to wait until we actually get to Yunkai to do it. Then in the middle of night we can slip out and join the other side. Unless, of course, a COMPLETELY CONTRIVED PLOT DEVELOPMENT OCCURS, WHICH REQUIRES A SUSPENSION OF ALL DISBELIEF BECAUSE IT IS SO CONVENIENT.
Quentyn: Well what is the likelihood of something like that happening?
Windblown Solider: Hey! You two! Drink and Frog! The leader of the Windblown Company, The Tattered Prince, wants to meet with you.
Archibald Yronwoon: You two? Two? What about me?
Solider: Yeah, whatever.
They go to the Tattered Prince, aka “Rags,” in his tent.
Rags: Hey guys. Have you heard about this new, terrible plague that’s been striking the lands? Yeah, disease is ravaging and killing everyone in the countyside. Anyway, I’ve been ordered by our alliance to kill and/or drive away the hordes of sick and dying. But I was thinking… I have this really cool plan that could work with that. If we nominally follow this plan… I can send a small unit of like 20 people to drive the hordes of the sick and dying towards Meereen and the dragon queen… but that group of 20 people can then secretly flip teams and join Dany’s side.
Quentyn: WHAT?! LIKE OMG! We had, by total and complete coincidence, joined this company only with the intent of getting close enough to Dany so that we can flip and join her side! Only that plan was filled with perilous dangers such as being discovered and killed by you. Only now, through a TOTALLY CONTRIVED CONVIENIENT PLOT DEVELOPMENT INDICATIVE OF LAZY WRITING, you now WANT us to flip sides too. This also convieniently absolves us of the guilt I would have felt for betraying my brothers at arms for the last several weeks who I, as earlier in this chapter, noted that I had fought and become friends with.
Rags: Yeah, life just works out like that sometimes. You will be under the command of Pretty Meris.
Pretty Meris: Hi, I’m actually generally regarded as ugly with a horribly scarred face, but the name is supposed to be ironic.
Quentyn: An ugly female warrior who is mockingly called beautiful? Isn’t that already Brienne’s schtick?
Pretty Meris: I guess. Look, this is book 5. We’ve run out of ideas, so now we’re just repeating already used characters and using messy plot contrivances based on coincidence to move the story forward.
Hugh Hungerford, Windblown Solider: Wait… are we really thinking of changing sides? Sort of a dick thing to do.
Rags: Not openly. But we need Dany to think we are changing sides at least. To keep all roads open. She does have the Unsullied and FUCKING DRAGONS. She could easily win if she wants to use them. If the team we’re currently on wins, then we can pretend like the defection never happened, or that the defection was just part of a plot to capture and kill Dany. But if Dany’s side wins, we can be like, “Yeah! Check it out! We joined your side.”
Hugh: Good point. We are mercenaries, and flipping sides is sort of what we do. But will Dany actually believe us?
Rags: Well, that’s why I’ve chosen this group of 20 people to be in on the plan and do it. You guys are all from Westeros. That’s the place where Dany comes from. Since you’re all Westerosi, it will be much more plausible that you’re defecting from the Windblown so that you can help your dragon queen claim her throne.
Lewis Lanster, another Windblown Solider: So when do we do this defection?
Rags: Uhh… like… now, dudes. Get going! You must not be caught. If any of the other soliders find you defecting, I will disavow any knowledge of this plan and label you as turncloaks.
Quentyn: Awesome, man. Well this random plan to join the Windblown really worked out well.
The team of 20 Westerosi soldiers, including the two Dornishmen, heads out… towards Meereen!
Archibald Yronwood: WHAT?! TWO Dornishmen! I'm here too!
Okay, whatever. "Three" Dornishmen.
Quentyn: Well that’s a dumb name.
Dick Straw: Hi everyone!
Quentyn: But at least it’s not as dumb a name as “Dick Straw.”
Dick: I hear that the Dragon Queen is marching on Yunkai. We must move north to meet her!
Gerris: Well, let’s do that! *whispers* Because we’re on a secret mission to defect to her side anyway.
Dick: Huh?
Gerris: Uhh. Nothing.
Gerris and Quentyn walk over to a corner.
Quentyn: Hey, Gerris.
Gerris: Shh! You gotta call me “Drink,” and I gotta call you “Frog.” It’s our secret identities.
Quentyn: Yeah, whatever. Dumb. I guess we’re going to get new identities every chapter. Anyway, do you still think it’s a good idea to go to this Dany girl?
Gerris: Of course! Your father sent us on a mission. Many of our friends have already died along the way. You must marry the Targaryen girl and bring her back with us to Dorne to claim the Seven Kingdoms.
Quentyn: I know, I know. That was the plan. But have you heard these things that they’ve been saying about Dany? It’s like she’s some sort of monster.
Gerris: Yeah, I’ve heard that stuff. I don’t think you can believe it though.
Quentyn: They say she’s a lusty, murderous monster who kills the innocent. She practices human sacrifice. They say she has sex with one of her captains, who has a foot-long cock. But even that foot-long cock isn’t big enough for her, so she prefers to have sex with horses since no man can fill her needs.
Gerris: Who are the “they” in “they say.”
Quentyn: Fox News.
Gerris: Well there you go.
Quentyn: If she’s as crazy as they say she is… like her father the mad king… do I still have to marry her?
Gerris: *shrug*
Archibald Yronwood: Hey! I’m in this scene too! And my new nickname is "Greenguts."
But nobody cares about Archibald Yronwood, so you can disregard him.
Quentyn: Still, if we’re marching on Yunkai, that’s good. I’m ready to get the hell out of Astapor. This place has been a slaughterhouse.
The Windblown Company marches out, heading towards Yunkai. With them are the infantry of Old Ghis, as well as the surving members of the “Wise Masters” of Yunkai with their slave soldiers.
Still, is they are going to meet Dany in Yunkai… then they will also face the REAL Unsullied soliders, as well as Dany’s dragons. That prospect haunts Quentyn.
Quentyn: Psst! Gerris! I mean… uhh… “Drink.” Don’t you feel kind of bad about breaking our oath to this company? I mean over the last several weeks, we’ve fought side-by-side with hem and become their friends. It’s a total dick move that we’ll betray them soon.
Gerris: Yeah, that sort of sucks. But we gotta do it.
Quentyn: I suppose. But how exactly are we going to abandon the Wildblown and join team Dany?
Gerris: We need to wait until we actually get to Yunkai to do it. Then in the middle of night we can slip out and join the other side. Unless, of course, a COMPLETELY CONTRIVED PLOT DEVELOPMENT OCCURS, WHICH REQUIRES A SUSPENSION OF ALL DISBELIEF BECAUSE IT IS SO CONVENIENT.
Quentyn: Well what is the likelihood of something like that happening?
Windblown Solider: Hey! You two! Drink and Frog! The leader of the Windblown Company, The Tattered Prince, wants to meet with you.
Archibald Yronwoon: You two? Two? What about me?
Solider: Yeah, whatever.
They go to the Tattered Prince, aka “Rags,” in his tent.
Rags: Hey guys. Have you heard about this new, terrible plague that’s been striking the lands? Yeah, disease is ravaging and killing everyone in the countyside. Anyway, I’ve been ordered by our alliance to kill and/or drive away the hordes of sick and dying. But I was thinking… I have this really cool plan that could work with that. If we nominally follow this plan… I can send a small unit of like 20 people to drive the hordes of the sick and dying towards Meereen and the dragon queen… but that group of 20 people can then secretly flip teams and join Dany’s side.
Quentyn: WHAT?! LIKE OMG! We had, by total and complete coincidence, joined this company only with the intent of getting close enough to Dany so that we can flip and join her side! Only that plan was filled with perilous dangers such as being discovered and killed by you. Only now, through a TOTALLY CONTRIVED CONVIENIENT PLOT DEVELOPMENT INDICATIVE OF LAZY WRITING, you now WANT us to flip sides too. This also convieniently absolves us of the guilt I would have felt for betraying my brothers at arms for the last several weeks who I, as earlier in this chapter, noted that I had fought and become friends with.
Rags: Yeah, life just works out like that sometimes. You will be under the command of Pretty Meris.
Pretty Meris: Hi, I’m actually generally regarded as ugly with a horribly scarred face, but the name is supposed to be ironic.
Quentyn: An ugly female warrior who is mockingly called beautiful? Isn’t that already Brienne’s schtick?
Pretty Meris: I guess. Look, this is book 5. We’ve run out of ideas, so now we’re just repeating already used characters and using messy plot contrivances based on coincidence to move the story forward.
Hugh Hungerford, Windblown Solider: Wait… are we really thinking of changing sides? Sort of a dick thing to do.
Rags: Not openly. But we need Dany to think we are changing sides at least. To keep all roads open. She does have the Unsullied and FUCKING DRAGONS. She could easily win if she wants to use them. If the team we’re currently on wins, then we can pretend like the defection never happened, or that the defection was just part of a plot to capture and kill Dany. But if Dany’s side wins, we can be like, “Yeah! Check it out! We joined your side.”
Hugh: Good point. We are mercenaries, and flipping sides is sort of what we do. But will Dany actually believe us?
Rags: Well, that’s why I’ve chosen this group of 20 people to be in on the plan and do it. You guys are all from Westeros. That’s the place where Dany comes from. Since you’re all Westerosi, it will be much more plausible that you’re defecting from the Windblown so that you can help your dragon queen claim her throne.
Lewis Lanster, another Windblown Solider: So when do we do this defection?
Rags: Uhh… like… now, dudes. Get going! You must not be caught. If any of the other soliders find you defecting, I will disavow any knowledge of this plan and label you as turncloaks.
Quentyn: Awesome, man. Well this random plan to join the Windblown really worked out well.
The team of 20 Westerosi soldiers, including the two Dornishmen, heads out… towards Meereen!
Archibald Yronwood: WHAT?! TWO Dornishmen! I'm here too!
Okay, whatever. "Three" Dornishmen.
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