Stannis has finally left Castle Black.
Jon: Thank goodness, what a pain in the ass he was. Maybe he’ll actually listen to my advice on where to attack.
Bowen Marsh: Well, I guess you can move back into Mormont’s old chambers now that Stannis is gone, huh? After all, it is where the Lord Commander is supposed to live. You were just being courteous to Stannis after he helped us defeat those Wildlings and basically saved your life.
Jon: There is no time for that! I must ride to Moletown at once!
Bowen: Haha, oh yeah. We make those vows, sure enough. But we all have needs. Honestly though, that Melisandre woman has been eyeing you up hard, bro. You don’t need to go to Molestown. You can stay right here.
Jon: NOT FOR THAT!
Bowen: I thought you liked gingers.
Jon: I… uh… SHUT UP, BOWEN! I’m going there to recruit Wildling fighters. We need them desperately.
Bowen: Lord Commander, I’d really urge against going to Moletown. Your plan is folly. We cannot trust these—
But Jon leaves mid sentence.
Bowen: Ugh, nobody ever listens to me anyway.
On the way to Moletown, Jon and his entourage cross some trees with freshly-carved faces on them.
Jon: Ha. Stannis made every Wildling who canted to cross over to this side of the Wall bow to him and renounce the old gods. But you can see they just lied when they renounced them. Good to see I got some fellow old god worshipers here.
Dolorous Edd: Melisandre won’t be happy about that.
Jon: She must never know!
Edd: And how exactly to you expect to keep it a secret from her? That bitch can see things in her fires.
They arrive at Moletown and find a bunch of Wildlings hanging around. Men who Stannis allowed to cross the Wall and live on this side.
Jon: Hrm. This group is pretty sad looking, but not as sad as I might have imagined. There are a couple of Thenns, a few Hornfoots, and Halleck (the brother of Harma, Stannis’s fallen Vanguard commander). Maybe we have something to work with here.
The Members of the Night’s Watch dismount and begin handing out food to the Wildlings.
Wilding: HEY! Is that all I’m getting?
Jon: Yeah, deal with it.
Wildling: You crows on the Wall eat much better than us! WE NEED FOOD!
Jon: Oh, I’m sorry. Are these a bunch of assholes here who are getting free food from us, who are also complaining about not getting ENOUGH free food!
Wildling: Yes.
Jon: The same Wildlings whose Stannis’s army could have either massacred or simply not allowed to cross the Wall at all, so that they would be left north to be killed by the Others and the Wights.
Wildling: Well, when you put it like that, we just sound like dicks.
Jon: BECAUSE YOU ARE DICKS! Listen… if any of you wants to eat like a brother of the Night’s Watch… then come and stand with us brothers of the Night’s Watch. Defend the Walls with me.
Sigorn, the New Magnar of Thenn: NO! We have spent our whole life fighting you crows! Now you want us to become your slaves?
Jon: Slaves? No. We are all free men. I don’t care which gods you worship, nor do I demand that you formally take the vows and become a sworn brother yourself. I don’t need you to kneel to me. I just need you to obey the commands of the people who give you orders. I will take any man over the age of 12, even those who cannot fight. There are things you can help with beyond fighting.
Wildling Girl: HEY! Why only men? Woman can help out too! We Wildling girls fight harder than most Southern boys like you.
Jon: You know what? You’re right. We’re up shit creek without a paddle. I will take ANYONE over 12, boy or girl.
Edd: Bet that’s not the first time that’s been said here at Moletown.
Jon: Shut up, Edd. You’re not helping. SO COME ON, FREE FOLK! Who is with me?
The girl is the first to step forward.
Wildling Girl: I’ll do it! I need some damn food.
Others begin to join her and step forward too.
Halleck: I’ll join!
In the end, 63 Wildings join Jon.
Jon: 63? Oh man, that’s creepy. That’s the exact same number of men who just surrendered at Moat Cailin in the last chapter, and who Ramsay had executed. Why is GRRM so obsessed with 63 all of a sudden?
Edd: You want my guess?
Jon: Go for it.
Edd: This book came out in 2011. George R.R. Martin was born in 1948. He would have turned 63 the year this book came out.
Jon: Well, that’s just as plausible as any other explanation.
Jon notices, however, that absolutely ZERO Thenns have joined though.
Jon: Whatever, fuck those guys anyway.
So he heads back to Castle Black, with 63 more recruits.
Bowen: Oh great! 63 more mouths to feed… and a bunch of girls too! You know why we have those “no women” rules at the castle, right Lord Commander? There are gonna be rapes and fights. You know that our forces are basically just made from banished rapists and murderers of Westeros.
Jon: These women know how to defend themselves.
Bowen: What happens when one of these Wildling girls slits the throats of some guy who tries to rape her?
Jon: Then we’ll still be up 62 recruits.
Bowen: Your really think these Wildlings will be loyal? What happens when it comes time to fight. Will they flee? Or worse yet… what happens when their fellow Wildlings come attacking? What happens when Tormund Giantsbane is at our Walls, attacking us? Which side will these Wildlings be on? Will they immediately defect… and then we’ll have enemies fighting us on both sides?
Jon: Well, let’s just hope it never comes to that.
Bowen: That’s a super shitty answer. I can see why everyone is questioning your leadership skills and talking about stabbing you to death.
Jon: What was that?
Bowen: Huh? What? I didn’t say anything.
Jon: Thank goodness, what a pain in the ass he was. Maybe he’ll actually listen to my advice on where to attack.
Bowen Marsh: Well, I guess you can move back into Mormont’s old chambers now that Stannis is gone, huh? After all, it is where the Lord Commander is supposed to live. You were just being courteous to Stannis after he helped us defeat those Wildlings and basically saved your life.
Jon: There is no time for that! I must ride to Moletown at once!
Bowen: Haha, oh yeah. We make those vows, sure enough. But we all have needs. Honestly though, that Melisandre woman has been eyeing you up hard, bro. You don’t need to go to Molestown. You can stay right here.
Jon: NOT FOR THAT!
Bowen: I thought you liked gingers.
Jon: I… uh… SHUT UP, BOWEN! I’m going there to recruit Wildling fighters. We need them desperately.
Bowen: Lord Commander, I’d really urge against going to Moletown. Your plan is folly. We cannot trust these—
But Jon leaves mid sentence.
Bowen: Ugh, nobody ever listens to me anyway.
On the way to Moletown, Jon and his entourage cross some trees with freshly-carved faces on them.
Jon: Ha. Stannis made every Wildling who canted to cross over to this side of the Wall bow to him and renounce the old gods. But you can see they just lied when they renounced them. Good to see I got some fellow old god worshipers here.
Dolorous Edd: Melisandre won’t be happy about that.
Jon: She must never know!
Edd: And how exactly to you expect to keep it a secret from her? That bitch can see things in her fires.
They arrive at Moletown and find a bunch of Wildlings hanging around. Men who Stannis allowed to cross the Wall and live on this side.
Jon: Hrm. This group is pretty sad looking, but not as sad as I might have imagined. There are a couple of Thenns, a few Hornfoots, and Halleck (the brother of Harma, Stannis’s fallen Vanguard commander). Maybe we have something to work with here.
The Members of the Night’s Watch dismount and begin handing out food to the Wildlings.
Wilding: HEY! Is that all I’m getting?
Jon: Yeah, deal with it.
Wildling: You crows on the Wall eat much better than us! WE NEED FOOD!
Jon: Oh, I’m sorry. Are these a bunch of assholes here who are getting free food from us, who are also complaining about not getting ENOUGH free food!
Wildling: Yes.
Jon: The same Wildlings whose Stannis’s army could have either massacred or simply not allowed to cross the Wall at all, so that they would be left north to be killed by the Others and the Wights.
Wildling: Well, when you put it like that, we just sound like dicks.
Jon: BECAUSE YOU ARE DICKS! Listen… if any of you wants to eat like a brother of the Night’s Watch… then come and stand with us brothers of the Night’s Watch. Defend the Walls with me.
Sigorn, the New Magnar of Thenn: NO! We have spent our whole life fighting you crows! Now you want us to become your slaves?
Jon: Slaves? No. We are all free men. I don’t care which gods you worship, nor do I demand that you formally take the vows and become a sworn brother yourself. I don’t need you to kneel to me. I just need you to obey the commands of the people who give you orders. I will take any man over the age of 12, even those who cannot fight. There are things you can help with beyond fighting.
Wildling Girl: HEY! Why only men? Woman can help out too! We Wildling girls fight harder than most Southern boys like you.
Jon: You know what? You’re right. We’re up shit creek without a paddle. I will take ANYONE over 12, boy or girl.
Edd: Bet that’s not the first time that’s been said here at Moletown.
Jon: Shut up, Edd. You’re not helping. SO COME ON, FREE FOLK! Who is with me?
The girl is the first to step forward.
Wildling Girl: I’ll do it! I need some damn food.
Others begin to join her and step forward too.
Halleck: I’ll join!
In the end, 63 Wildings join Jon.
Jon: 63? Oh man, that’s creepy. That’s the exact same number of men who just surrendered at Moat Cailin in the last chapter, and who Ramsay had executed. Why is GRRM so obsessed with 63 all of a sudden?
Edd: You want my guess?
Jon: Go for it.
Edd: This book came out in 2011. George R.R. Martin was born in 1948. He would have turned 63 the year this book came out.
Jon: Well, that’s just as plausible as any other explanation.
Jon notices, however, that absolutely ZERO Thenns have joined though.
Jon: Whatever, fuck those guys anyway.
So he heads back to Castle Black, with 63 more recruits.
Bowen: Oh great! 63 more mouths to feed… and a bunch of girls too! You know why we have those “no women” rules at the castle, right Lord Commander? There are gonna be rapes and fights. You know that our forces are basically just made from banished rapists and murderers of Westeros.
Jon: These women know how to defend themselves.
Bowen: What happens when one of these Wildling girls slits the throats of some guy who tries to rape her?
Jon: Then we’ll still be up 62 recruits.
Bowen: Your really think these Wildlings will be loyal? What happens when it comes time to fight. Will they flee? Or worse yet… what happens when their fellow Wildlings come attacking? What happens when Tormund Giantsbane is at our Walls, attacking us? Which side will these Wildlings be on? Will they immediately defect… and then we’ll have enemies fighting us on both sides?
Jon: Well, let’s just hope it never comes to that.
Bowen: That’s a super shitty answer. I can see why everyone is questioning your leadership skills and talking about stabbing you to death.
Jon: What was that?
Bowen: Huh? What? I didn’t say anything.
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