Oh shit look! Jaime even gets a chapter in this book!
Jaime: Yeah, just one though.
Jaime and his entourage arrive at Raventree, home to House Blackwood. The Blackwoods are one of the last remaining houses in the Riverlands to not bend the knee to the Lannisters.
Jaime goes to meet with Lord Jonos Bracken, who has been leading Team Lannister’s siege of Raventree. He begins to walk into Jonos’s tent when…
Guard: Uhh… I wouldn’t go in there. Lord Bracken is… erm… busy.
Jaime: Is that so?
Jaime pimp slaps the guard with his metal hand anyway.
He walks in the tent to find Jonos in the middle of a doggystle on a camp whore.
Jaime: *AHEM*
Jonos: WHO THE FUCK IS INTERRUP---OHHHHHH SHIIITTT!!! Sorry, sorry, Lord Jaime. I didn’t know it was you.
The whore runs into a corner and covers up as he goes looking for his pants.
Jonos: I… umm… err… sorry. I didn’t expect you so soon. Good to see you though, my lord.
Jaime: Well, it’s NOT good to see you. Wanna know why?
Jonos: Because you didn’t need the image of my dick burnt into your eye sockets forever?
Jaime: Well that too, yes. But mostly because we sent your ass to take Raventree SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO. Why has it not yet fallen?
Whore: OH SNAP! You told him, Jaime! I’m attracted to powerful men. I want you to do me right now.
Jaime: Gross, no. Sloppy second.
Lord Jonos dismisses her and she leaves.
Jaime: Well, since you can’t win this fucking castle, I mean to go meet with Lord Tytos Blackwood myself and offer him terms of peace.
Jonos: You can’t trust those Blackwoods! They’re all turncloaks!
Jaime: Really? Because I seem to recall that BOTH the Blackwoods and the Brackens were loyal to the King in the North, Robb Stark. Only the BRACKENS switched sides and joined Team Lannister. So if I had to make a quick judgment on which side was more likely to be turncloaks… maybe I’d pick the one which actually, you know, TURNED ITS CLOAK.
Jonos: I… uhm… wow. Sort of fucked up that you’re calling me out for joining your side. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is you can’t trust him. He may say the words that he’s loyal to you, but you need to ensure that he is. You need hostages from him. I’d recommend you take his only daughter as a hostage. He loves her more than anything else in the world. If you have here, he’ll obey.
Jaime: Thank you, Lord Jonos. I’ll take note of that sweet bit of intel.
Jonos: If you beg my pardon, ser. You said you’d offer him terms of peace. What are they? You do recall that your father Tywin offered me a great reward for subduing Raventree. Most of House Blackwood’s lands would be given over to me.
Jaime: Okay, well the first issue there is that you only PARTLY subdued House Blackwood. Seeing as how I have to come along and actually close the deal out… it seems like you didn’t fulfil your commitment to my father. So why should you get the reward? But, despite what many thing, I’m not a total dick. You did part of the work… you get PART of the reward.
Jonos: Ugh. As you say, my Lord Jaime.
Soon after, Jaime is let into Raventree and meets with Lord Blackwood.
Tytos: Hey, you shitty asshole king-slaying fuck-stain.
Jaime: Hahaha, I like you more than Jonos already. You keep it real.
They get down to dinner and discuss terms of the parley. They talk about specifics like which side between Blackwood and Bracket gets which town and which river and which mill and which hill of dirt. It’s all very technical. Blackwood isn’t happy with all he has to give up, but he knows he must do it. Finally, they come to a deal.
Tytos: *sigh* Well, I guess here were are then. Well that fucking sucked.
Jaime: They say a fair deal is one in which neither side is happy. And trust me, Jonos will not be happy either. Oh, and speaking of things that will not make you happy, I will of course need some hostages from your side to ensure you hold up your end of the bargain. I hear you have a daughter.
Tytos: NOOOOOOO!!!!! Please! Anything but that! I have sons! I have sons up the asshole. Look, I love them all and I don’t want you to murder any of them. But I love Bethany the most. I could never see her taken away from me. Who fucking told you about Bethany? Was it Jonos!
Jaime: Hrm. I know it’s not proper to ask for your heir and firstborn son. So what about your secondborn son?
Tytos: My second son was Lucas. He was at the Red Wedding.
Jaime: Ah. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Sorry, man. So. Fucking. Sorry.
Tytos: His body was never returned to me.
Jaime: I promise it shall be done. We will add it to the deal as part of your surrender. Now… please tell me you have a non-murdered third son.
Tytos: Yes, Hoster. You may take him with you. I’ll send for him at once. But let me also tell you this, Lord Jaime. If you think Lord Bracken is any more trustworthy than me… you’d have another thing coming. They call us the Turncloaks? Ha! It was them who, hundreds of years ago—
Jaime: —Blah, blah, blah. Yes. You two hate each other. Hetfields and McCoys. Capulets and Montegues. Israel and Palestine. I get the picture. Both of your Houses have grievances against each other which go back so long that none of you can actually remember why you hate each other in the first place, but you’re just born into hating one another and continue to perpetuate the violence generation after generation.
Hoster Blackwood is then brought forward into the room.
Hoster: Hey everyone! I’m your hostage.
Jaime looks him over.
Jaime: OMG, this kid is a total nerd. Glasses. Pocket protector. A hand full of books!
Hoster: I can’t leave without my books! Reading is fun!
Jaime: Ugh, this is going to be a long trip back to King’s Landing. ANYWAY, I best get going. Oh, but before I go… Lord Blackwood, please remember that if I receive any evidence that House Blackwood has been aiding rebels in the area… Lord Beric, that Lady Stoneheart, Sandor Clegane, or the Blackfish… I will not hesitate to send Hoster back to you. In fucking pieces.
Hoster: JEEPERS!
Lord Blackwood nods.
Tytos: Good day, ser.
Jaime heads out with Hoster as his Hoster-age. Hahaha. Is that funny? Probably not.
Jonos: So, the deal has been made then? How much of the shit that your father gave to me did you give him?
Jaime: Enough.
Jonos: That sounds like too much.
Jaime: Hrm. Lord Bracken, it would be an honor if one of your daughters also accompanies me back to King’s Landing as a guest to be in the company of His Grace the king. For Tommen has so few children of an age to play with.
Jonos: WHAT?! WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! YOU WANT ONE OF MY CHILDREN AS A HOSTAGE?! TYTOS WAS THE ENEMY HERE! NOT ME! I WAS ON YOUR SIDE!
Jaime: Did I say hostage? No. I said “guest.” No go fucking fetch one of them. Now.
Later, Jaime and his entourage are making their way through the Riverlands, slowly headed towards King’s Landing. They are not going the usual way though.
Hoster: Wouldn’t the King’s Road be faster?
Jaime: Yes, but I’m trying to draw out the rebel armies. Maybe have a fat, juicy group of soldiers that Beric or the Blackfish would want to attack.
Hoster: Oh. Sounds dangerous.
Jaime: Yeup. Say, what is up with the Blackwoods and the Brackens anyway? You’d think that after all these years they would have made peace.
Hoster: We have. Dozens of time. Every Blackwood is half Bracken and every Bracken is half Blackwood. We’ve married our families into each other so many times that it’s a surprise the kids haven’t come out as inbred twats like Joffrey.
Jaime: HEY!
Hoster: Oh, sorry. I’m just saying, the feud is BS. Something always starts it back up again.
Jaime: The only way to really end it is to make sure that there is nobody left on the other side to carry it out.
Hoster: Hrm. So I guess that’s what you did to the Starks, huh?
Jaime: For a bookish nerd, you sure have incorporated your badass father’s style of “Keeping it Fucking Real” with your replies to me, kid.
That night, they stop in a village called Pennytree.
Near midnight, a rider comes forward. Jaime’s sentries see the rider and stop them. They bring her forward to Jaime.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT! BRIENNE OF FUCKING TARTH!
Brienne: Hey, fuckboi.
Jaime: What happened to your face? It looks like someone bit half of it off.
It’s covered in bandages.
Brienne: Yeah, that’s a pretty accurate guess.
She touches her sword. It’s the one he gave her. Oathkeeper, melted down from Ned Stark’s sword. She notices him looking at the sword.
Brienne: My Lord, you gave me a quest.
Jaime: Yes, to find the Stark girl. Have you done so?
Brienne: I... uhh.. have. She is a day’s ride from here. But you must come alone. Or else THE HOUND will kill her.
Jaime: Hrm. I have to come alone? This seems like some sort of trap.
Brienne: Uhh… no?
Jaime: No, seriously. I bet this is a trap.
Brienne: The next book hasn’t been written yet, so you can’t say that definitively.
Jaime: Yeah, just one though.
Jaime and his entourage arrive at Raventree, home to House Blackwood. The Blackwoods are one of the last remaining houses in the Riverlands to not bend the knee to the Lannisters.
Jaime goes to meet with Lord Jonos Bracken, who has been leading Team Lannister’s siege of Raventree. He begins to walk into Jonos’s tent when…
Guard: Uhh… I wouldn’t go in there. Lord Bracken is… erm… busy.
Jaime: Is that so?
Jaime pimp slaps the guard with his metal hand anyway.
He walks in the tent to find Jonos in the middle of a doggystle on a camp whore.
Jaime: *AHEM*
Jonos: WHO THE FUCK IS INTERRUP---OHHHHHH SHIIITTT!!! Sorry, sorry, Lord Jaime. I didn’t know it was you.
The whore runs into a corner and covers up as he goes looking for his pants.
Jonos: I… umm… err… sorry. I didn’t expect you so soon. Good to see you though, my lord.
Jaime: Well, it’s NOT good to see you. Wanna know why?
Jonos: Because you didn’t need the image of my dick burnt into your eye sockets forever?
Jaime: Well that too, yes. But mostly because we sent your ass to take Raventree SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO. Why has it not yet fallen?
Whore: OH SNAP! You told him, Jaime! I’m attracted to powerful men. I want you to do me right now.
Jaime: Gross, no. Sloppy second.
Lord Jonos dismisses her and she leaves.
Jaime: Well, since you can’t win this fucking castle, I mean to go meet with Lord Tytos Blackwood myself and offer him terms of peace.
Jonos: You can’t trust those Blackwoods! They’re all turncloaks!
Jaime: Really? Because I seem to recall that BOTH the Blackwoods and the Brackens were loyal to the King in the North, Robb Stark. Only the BRACKENS switched sides and joined Team Lannister. So if I had to make a quick judgment on which side was more likely to be turncloaks… maybe I’d pick the one which actually, you know, TURNED ITS CLOAK.
Jonos: I… uhm… wow. Sort of fucked up that you’re calling me out for joining your side. Anyway, what I’m trying to say is you can’t trust him. He may say the words that he’s loyal to you, but you need to ensure that he is. You need hostages from him. I’d recommend you take his only daughter as a hostage. He loves her more than anything else in the world. If you have here, he’ll obey.
Jaime: Thank you, Lord Jonos. I’ll take note of that sweet bit of intel.
Jonos: If you beg my pardon, ser. You said you’d offer him terms of peace. What are they? You do recall that your father Tywin offered me a great reward for subduing Raventree. Most of House Blackwood’s lands would be given over to me.
Jaime: Okay, well the first issue there is that you only PARTLY subdued House Blackwood. Seeing as how I have to come along and actually close the deal out… it seems like you didn’t fulfil your commitment to my father. So why should you get the reward? But, despite what many thing, I’m not a total dick. You did part of the work… you get PART of the reward.
Jonos: Ugh. As you say, my Lord Jaime.
Soon after, Jaime is let into Raventree and meets with Lord Blackwood.
Tytos: Hey, you shitty asshole king-slaying fuck-stain.
Jaime: Hahaha, I like you more than Jonos already. You keep it real.
They get down to dinner and discuss terms of the parley. They talk about specifics like which side between Blackwood and Bracket gets which town and which river and which mill and which hill of dirt. It’s all very technical. Blackwood isn’t happy with all he has to give up, but he knows he must do it. Finally, they come to a deal.
Tytos: *sigh* Well, I guess here were are then. Well that fucking sucked.
Jaime: They say a fair deal is one in which neither side is happy. And trust me, Jonos will not be happy either. Oh, and speaking of things that will not make you happy, I will of course need some hostages from your side to ensure you hold up your end of the bargain. I hear you have a daughter.
Tytos: NOOOOOOO!!!!! Please! Anything but that! I have sons! I have sons up the asshole. Look, I love them all and I don’t want you to murder any of them. But I love Bethany the most. I could never see her taken away from me. Who fucking told you about Bethany? Was it Jonos!
Jaime: Hrm. I know it’s not proper to ask for your heir and firstborn son. So what about your secondborn son?
Tytos: My second son was Lucas. He was at the Red Wedding.
Jaime: Ah. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Sorry, man. So. Fucking. Sorry.
Tytos: His body was never returned to me.
Jaime: I promise it shall be done. We will add it to the deal as part of your surrender. Now… please tell me you have a non-murdered third son.
Tytos: Yes, Hoster. You may take him with you. I’ll send for him at once. But let me also tell you this, Lord Jaime. If you think Lord Bracken is any more trustworthy than me… you’d have another thing coming. They call us the Turncloaks? Ha! It was them who, hundreds of years ago—
Jaime: —Blah, blah, blah. Yes. You two hate each other. Hetfields and McCoys. Capulets and Montegues. Israel and Palestine. I get the picture. Both of your Houses have grievances against each other which go back so long that none of you can actually remember why you hate each other in the first place, but you’re just born into hating one another and continue to perpetuate the violence generation after generation.
Hoster Blackwood is then brought forward into the room.
Hoster: Hey everyone! I’m your hostage.
Jaime looks him over.
Jaime: OMG, this kid is a total nerd. Glasses. Pocket protector. A hand full of books!
Hoster: I can’t leave without my books! Reading is fun!
Jaime: Ugh, this is going to be a long trip back to King’s Landing. ANYWAY, I best get going. Oh, but before I go… Lord Blackwood, please remember that if I receive any evidence that House Blackwood has been aiding rebels in the area… Lord Beric, that Lady Stoneheart, Sandor Clegane, or the Blackfish… I will not hesitate to send Hoster back to you. In fucking pieces.
Hoster: JEEPERS!
Lord Blackwood nods.
Tytos: Good day, ser.
Jaime heads out with Hoster as his Hoster-age. Hahaha. Is that funny? Probably not.
Jonos: So, the deal has been made then? How much of the shit that your father gave to me did you give him?
Jaime: Enough.
Jonos: That sounds like too much.
Jaime: Hrm. Lord Bracken, it would be an honor if one of your daughters also accompanies me back to King’s Landing as a guest to be in the company of His Grace the king. For Tommen has so few children of an age to play with.
Jonos: WHAT?! WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! YOU WANT ONE OF MY CHILDREN AS A HOSTAGE?! TYTOS WAS THE ENEMY HERE! NOT ME! I WAS ON YOUR SIDE!
Jaime: Did I say hostage? No. I said “guest.” No go fucking fetch one of them. Now.
Later, Jaime and his entourage are making their way through the Riverlands, slowly headed towards King’s Landing. They are not going the usual way though.
Hoster: Wouldn’t the King’s Road be faster?
Jaime: Yes, but I’m trying to draw out the rebel armies. Maybe have a fat, juicy group of soldiers that Beric or the Blackfish would want to attack.
Hoster: Oh. Sounds dangerous.
Jaime: Yeup. Say, what is up with the Blackwoods and the Brackens anyway? You’d think that after all these years they would have made peace.
Hoster: We have. Dozens of time. Every Blackwood is half Bracken and every Bracken is half Blackwood. We’ve married our families into each other so many times that it’s a surprise the kids haven’t come out as inbred twats like Joffrey.
Jaime: HEY!
Hoster: Oh, sorry. I’m just saying, the feud is BS. Something always starts it back up again.
Jaime: The only way to really end it is to make sure that there is nobody left on the other side to carry it out.
Hoster: Hrm. So I guess that’s what you did to the Starks, huh?
Jaime: For a bookish nerd, you sure have incorporated your badass father’s style of “Keeping it Fucking Real” with your replies to me, kid.
That night, they stop in a village called Pennytree.
Near midnight, a rider comes forward. Jaime’s sentries see the rider and stop them. They bring her forward to Jaime.
Jaime: HOLY SHIT! BRIENNE OF FUCKING TARTH!
Brienne: Hey, fuckboi.
Jaime: What happened to your face? It looks like someone bit half of it off.
It’s covered in bandages.
Brienne: Yeah, that’s a pretty accurate guess.
She touches her sword. It’s the one he gave her. Oathkeeper, melted down from Ned Stark’s sword. She notices him looking at the sword.
Brienne: My Lord, you gave me a quest.
Jaime: Yes, to find the Stark girl. Have you done so?
Brienne: I... uhh.. have. She is a day’s ride from here. But you must come alone. Or else THE HOUND will kill her.
Jaime: Hrm. I have to come alone? This seems like some sort of trap.
Brienne: Uhh… no?
Jaime: No, seriously. I bet this is a trap.
Brienne: The next book hasn’t been written yet, so you can’t say that definitively.
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