ADwD 43: Daenerys VII

Dany wakes up in bed, and sees her boy toy Daario smoking a pack of Newports.

Dany: Menthol cigarettes? Really?

Daario: *shurgs*

Dany: Ugh. I’m so close to my marriage day. Just a few more evenings left. I really don’t want to marry Hizdahr. But I have to.

Daario: No. You don’t have to. You could marry me instead.

Dany: You know I can’t do that. And I also need to remind you that once I’m married, it will be treason for you to sleep with me. So this relationship is pretty much over.

Daario: Well, I guess I’m just going to have to commit a LOT of treason, aren’t I?

Dany: God, you sexy jerk. Why can’t I quit you?

Daario: Oh, and by the way… do you plan on holding court any time soon?

Dany: No. I’ve been so busy with marriage preparations, I’ve had no time to hear petitions from people. Maybe after I’m married.

Daario: I think you should do it sooner. Remember those people from Westeros I brought over to your side? They wanted to meet with you. One of them says that they gave a gift. The guy named “Frog.”

Dany: Cool! Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie!

Daario: He wouldn’t give it to me though. He said it was only for you.

Dany: Fine, whatever. Frog is a dumb name anyway. I GUESS I can hold court soon. Not today though.

So another day happens, but that’s not important enough, so we skip to the next night. And then the morning after that.

Dany: What?! Wow, we’re skipping through time fast. Not cool. It will be my wedding, like, any day now.

Dany gets dressed, ready to hold the court that she promised everyone that she would hold. Everyone complements her on how beautiful she is.

Dany: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Bunch of brown-nosers.

She holds court, and the first to petition her that day is the Green Grace.

Green Grace: Queen Dany, I have some concerns to raise with you. Concerns about the immoral actions and dickish behvaior of one SELLSWORD in your company.

Dany looks at the Green Grace. The Green Grace looks at Dany. Dany knows she’s talking about Daario. The whole court knows. This is the worst kept secret in the world.

Dany: *quietly* Oh, I can’t believe dis bish is bold enough to bring this shit up in front of the whole damn court. Aww hell no. *AHEM* YES, GREEN GRACE. I too share your concerns about that sellsword, BROWN BEN PLUMM. But it’s a little bit late to complain about him now since he’s already defected.

Green Grace: You know who I’m—

Dany: —Please, get the fuck out of my face now.

Dany waves her hands for the Green Grace to go away. She bows and departs.

She continues to hear petitions all day long. She’s super bored. But the petitions had really been piling up since she hasn’t done one of these in forever. Finally, at the end of the day,  Daario comes before her.

Daario: Hey sugartits. *golden tooth gleams*

Dany: Oh hay bae. Who do you have with you?

Daario: Those Westerosi Soldiers I was talking about you the other night.

Dany’s eyes pop wide open.

Daario: Did I say “night?” I mean “day.” The Westerosi Soldiers I was telling you about the other day.

Dany: Oh yeah, didn’t you say that one of them had some sort of gift for me?

Daario: Yes, it was—

—Before he can finish, the three Dornishmen step forward.

Gerris Drinkwater: Your Grace, my apologies for the deception to your men. But we are not three ordinary soldiers from Dorne. We are three knights, and we have come to you on an important mission from the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell. We have gone through many perils to get here to you, Queen. Our company started out larger, and several of our companions died, sacrificing themselves so that we could reach you.

Daario does a double take. Dany can tell that the Dornishmen deceived her sellsword captain and he had no clue.

Barristan: Claiming to be a knight is easy. Anyone can SAY they are a knight.

Gerris: This is true, Ser Barristan the Bold. Yeah, I recognize you. My true name is Ser Gerris Drinkwater. My colleagues are called Greenguts and Frog. Those are obviously not their real names.

Dany: I would hope not. Greenguts?

Archibald Yronwood: Yeah, my name is Ser Archibald Greenwood. The whole “Greenguts” thing was sort of an inside joke because on the ship over here I kept puking everywhere.

Dany: The men of Dorne stood by my father during the Usurper’s Rebellion. You have my respect and thanks. And I can’t exactly judge you all for coming to me in disguise, hiding your true identifies. That’s exactly what Barristan did too. I mean COME ON. “Not Barristan.” Hahaha. That was so lame.

Barristan: *blushes*

Frog: Your Grace, here is the gift that I promised for you.

He pulls out a sheet of paper.

Daario: DAFUQ? Really? A piece of paper. That’s a pretty worthless gift.

Daario snatches it from Frog’s hand. He looks at it real quick.

Daario: It says… uhh… uhh…

Dany: You can’t read, can you?

Daario: What? Hahahaha. Of course I can. *shifty eyes* Of course. It’s just… that… uhh… this is written in that Westerosi chicken scratch language. I can’t ready that. Obviously.

He hands it to the Queen.

Dany: HOLY SHIT! It’s signed by Ser Willem Darry. He was the knight who bravely smuggled me to Essos as a child. He was like a father figure to me and Viserys growing up. It’s a secret pact between Dorne and… well… the Targaryens. But Darry signs on behalf of us. It’s an agreement for a marriage alliance between Viserys and Arienne, the daughter of Prince Doran Martell. In return, the military forces of Dorne will support us to overthrow the usurper.

Frog: Yes Dany. My father wanted the alliance between Dorne and the Targaryens to remain solid. We never supported the usurper.

Dany: Wait… did you say… your father?

Frog: Ah yes, I forgot to reveal myself. I am not Frog… but…

He takes of a cape and does some fancy hand movements. It’s pretty lame.

Quentyn Martell: I am QUENTYN MARTELL, son of Prince Doran, ruler of Dorne. Nephew to Elia, the wife of Rhaegar.

Dany starts laughing. Nobody in court understands what’s funny. But she keeps on laughing.

Barristan: Your Grace?

Dany: No… it’s just… it’s just… hehehehe… there are all those legends of a Frog. And if you kiss it… it turns into a prince. And… he… he was named “Frog”… and… hehehe… he wound up being a secret prince. Hehehe. I guess you want me to kiss you, huh?

Quentyn: Well… uhh… yeah. That’s kind of the point.

Dany: Excuse me?

Quentyn: The marriage pact. Between Martell and Targaryen. It should still stand. Viserys is dead now. But...

Dany: What? Really? REALLY?! You want to MARRY ME? It’s a bit late for that. You should have come to me a year ago.

Quentyn: I don’t follow.

Dany: I’m getting married. Like, TOMORROW.

Quentyn: Oh… ermm… so this is awkward.

Dany: Yes. Yes, it is.

Daario: Hahaha… look at this little weak pipsqueak. No way is Dany interested in you. You’re not even remotely her type. I would know.

Gerris: Watch your words! You are talking to the Prince of Dorne. We offer the Queen the forces of all of Dorne to help you take back the Iron Throne.

Daario: The forces of all of Dorne? I count three. Three little liars who deceived me.

Barristan: Well, that probably wasn’t hard.

Daario: Huh?

Barristan: Your Grace, you will need the forces of Dorne to support you to take back the Iron Throne. You must put aside this planned marriage to Hizdahr at once, now that we have this new offer.

Skahaz: This weak little boy might serve for a Prince of Dorne, but he will not due as KING OF MEREEN. You need to marry Hizdahr, or Meereen will fall back into chaos.

Reznak: I agree. I have heard of Dorne. All they have to offer you is sand and scorpions.

Dany: Ooh. “Sand and Scorpions.” Band name?

Barristan: Wow. We haven’t had a band name suggestion in quite a few books.

Dany: Well, uhh… Prince Quentyn. This was cool and all. I will order Reznak to ensure you and your men are given splendid quarters here in Meereen and are treated like the nobles you are. I obviously have a lot of things to discuss with my advisors based on this recent… news. Don’t count on any miracles though, Frog boy.

Day ends court for the day and heads back to her chambers with the usual power players. Barristan argues that this changes everything. Dany says it changes nothing.

Dany: I will go through with my marriage, whether I love Hizdahr or not. That’s just how it’s going to be.

Dany starts to think about all her prophecies.

Dany: The sun’s son? What is the House Martell’s logo again?

Barristan: A sun.

Dany: DAMN IT! This was prophesized! All these visions. Betrayal. Perfumed Senechals. Why do prophecies always have to be friggin riddles that make no sense? UGH. It’s the night before my wedding. I can’t deal with this. EVERYBODY GET OUT!

Everybody starts to leave.

Dany: Not you, Daario. I need to… uhh… talk… strateg… uhh… whatever. Everyone knows. Who gives a shit?

They have tons of the sex.

When the morning comes, Dany wants one last go with Daario.

Daario: Nope. I’m done. Leaving the city. Adios.

Dany: *sigh* That’s probably for the better. I sort of keep having this fantasy about you crashing my wedding and running off with me.

Daario: Like in The Freaking Graduate?

Dany: Sort of.

Daario: I’m badass Daario Naharis. I’m a buff, muscled, ass-kicking he-man warrior sellsword with a cool purple pirate beard and a gold tooth. I wouldn’t do some pussy-ass shit that some skinny little nerd like Dustin Hoffman would do. Interrupt a wedding? Lame. Only if it were to behead the groom and inform everyone that the bride is pregnant with my child.

Dany: Ah, well that’s actually what I was thinking of too, actually. So we’re on the same page here.

Daario: Oh, well that’s NOTHING like The Graduate. So I’m not sure why you said your fantasy was “sort of” like The Graduate.

Dany: Only sort of. Just more badass. Like you said.

Daario: Whatever. Bye.

He leaves.

Dany sighs.

Missandei: You know, Dany. It’s not too late to cancel this whole thing. I know you don’t want to marry Hizdahr.

Dany: No Missandei, it is too late. A queen married for duty, not for love. Come on, let’s get this over with.

She heads out to the wedding. On the way to the ceremony, she runs into Quentyn one last time.

Quentyn: Please Dany! I sort of need this! And you need Dorne to win back the Iron Throne.

Dany: One day I will return to the Seven Kingdoms, and I will need Dorne’s help. But today? Today I marry to save this city.

Quentyn: Can’t someone else save this city? Like maybe a billionaire playboy who is also an archer who was stranded on an Asian island for five years, only to come back with a list of the evil people in this city who deserved to be killed, that was given to him by his regretful father who committed suicide to make sure that he could live?

Dany: Why are you describing the plot of the CW’s “Arrow” to me?

Quentyn: Oh? Was I?

Dany keeps going. She goes to the ceremony. They do all the feet washing and all of that.

Dany: Nasty. Are these corns?

Hizdahr: Hey look, these are medieval times. It’s not like we have Dr. Scholl’s cushion gels. You should be glad my only problem is a foot corn. I could be like all those people dying of plague.

Dany: Oh yeah. That.

Dany looks around. She sees some of graces near the Green Grace. But some of the other graces she used to see are gone. Have they died of the plague too?  She tried everything she could to keep the plague outside of the city. She closed up the city walls so none of the refugees from Astapor could get in. Yet the plague somehow did get in. Death was spreading through her city.

Happy wedding day!