Queen Selyse and her crew (which includes her daughter Shireen, her “hand” Ser Axell Florent, the fool Patchface, a bunch of yes men) arrive at Castle Black. Oh, and Tycho Nestorsis of the Iron Bank of Braavos is there too.
Jon: Greetings, you grace. Welcome to Castle Black.
Selyse: Ah, hello there young intern. I was expecting the Lord Commander of Castle Black to meet me.
Jon: Uh, I am the Lord Commander. Jon Snow.
Selyse: Oh heck, really?
Jon: Yes. Hey! Who are you? I don’t recognize you.
Tycho Nestorsis: I’m Tycho Nestorsis from the Iron Bank. I’m basically Mr. Moneybags.
Jon: Oh bro, we need to talk later.
Tycho Nestorsis: Sure ‘nuf.
Jon: Anyway Queen, let me escort you to your temporary chambers here.
Selyse: Ugh. If you insist. But what I really need is to move into the Nightfort. Aren’t your builder jerks supposed to be restoring that castle so I can live in it?
Jon: Whoa, it takes a long time to rebuild a castle in ruins. The Nightfort is nowhere near ready. Honestly, the facilities here aren’t that fit for a queen either. You should have just stayed at Eastwatch by the Sea until the Nightfort was ready.
Selyse: No! I am so damn sick of Eastwatch. It’s not safe! I have this odd feeling that an ice dragon is going to come and burn everything down. Plus I have to be around that asshole Cotter Pyke.
Jon: Well, on the latter part I certainly understand. HAHA! That guy!
As they walk to Selyse’s new rooms, they run into Wun Wun.
Selyse: AGGHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL?! A MONSTER!
The Queen’s bodyguards run out with swords and are ready to attack.
Jon: No, this is just Wun Wun. He’s a giant. But those swords down. You Southerners really need to get used to how things are up here in the north.
Wun Wun bows to the queen.
Queen’s Yes Man: You Northerners are disgusting. Keeping monsters as pets. Maybe you’ll have some Others as pets too.
Jon: Wun Wun, tear his arms off.
Queen’s Yes Man: AGHH!!!
Jon: Haha, just kidding. Seriously though, Wun Wun is a guest. Put that sword away. Here in the North we respect guest rights. I know you people from the south have a hard time doing that.
Everyone in the Night’s Watch: OOOooOOooo.
Jon takes the queen to her new quarters and finally gets rid of her. But as they are departing…
Jon: Oh hey, Moneybags.
Tycho Nestorsis: Yes?
Jon: Mind if we have that talk? We could meet up on top of the Wall in a bit.
Tycho Nestorsis: On top of the Wall? No thanks. I’d rather meet in a nice, warm room. I’m free now if you’d like.
Jon: That sounds suspiciously like you're asking me on a date.
Tycho Nestorsis: I'm not. I wanna talk money and drink.
Jon: Hells to the yeah. Let’s do that.
And so they head to a nice war room to sit down for a conversation.
Jon: So how is all this bank stuff going?
Tycho Nestorsis: Odd question. In many ways very well. However, we have some… problems… with you people of Westeros.
Jon: What do you mean "you people?" Is it because we're from Castle BLACK?!
Tycho Nestorsis: ...
Jon: Seriously though... like what? What problems are you having with Westerosi people?
Tycho Nestorsis: Well, as you know the crown owes the Iron Bank a geat deal of money. Technically, it is the Lannisters and King Tommen who control the Iron Throne now. But they have stopped making their payments on their loans.
Jon: Wow, a reference going all the way back to AFfC 24? Hrm. I guess that's a good "catch up" to now let us know the status of where the two timelines of these books line up since they're happening simultaneously for the first half of this book.
Tycho Nestorsis: Indeed. Anyway, the Lannister debt is now hence why I’m now with Team Stannis. If Stannis is to take the throne… well… he might do a better job at actually paying the Iron Bank back what it is owed.
Jon: Hahaha, cool. Those Lannisters are dumb as hell. So what kind of credit are you willing to offer another entity like… saaaaaaay… The Night’s Watch?
Tycho Nestorsis: It depends. What are you looking for?
Jon: We’re basically running out of food and materials and all that stuff we need to live until spring. Plus we need some ships. I got some stuff at Hardhome that I need to do.
Tycho Nestorsis: I’m afraid that’s totally out of the question.
Jon: Is it now? Maybe we should do a bit of a negotiation. I always like to negotiate after having a few glasses of Jungle Juice and I seem to recall you talking about drinking.
Tycho Nestorsis: Jungle Juice?!
Jon pulls out a few red solo cups and a jug of mysterious, orange-colored liquid. They start drinking.
Four hours later…
Tycho Nestorsis: Hahahaha, yesh Jon. Good ideash! Oshkay! I will givesh you shree shhips and gold to lasht shrew winter. In returnsh, I need a down payment of trinketsh and valuabulesh from the Wildlingsh. Alsho… I needsh your Watch to eschcort me to Shtannish.
Jon: Deal!
They shake on it. And then both pass out.
When Jon wakes up, he thinks that the fleet he’s putting together to save Hardhome with the Iron Bank’s three additional ships to his own 8 is too small, but can delay no further. He also thinks about Sam, Gilly and Aemon.
Jon: Oh hey, Tycho. Wake up.
Tycho Nestorsis: Ugh, I have such a headache, man.What is in that stuff, man?
Jon: Doesn't matter. I had a friend named Sam who stopped by in Braavos for a minute.You ever meet him or hear about the Night’s Watch ship that visited Braavos?
Tycho Nestorsis: Nah, sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell. Besides, all the talk in Essos these days is about that Dragon Queen.
Jon: Say what?
Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah, some queen who has three pet dragons.
Jon: WHOA! That wounds pretty awesome, right? I wonder if she's hot.
Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah, NO! It is very much NOT awesome. Do you know why people only live in Braavos because we fled form the Dragon Lords who persecuted and enslaved us?
Jon: Erm. Sorry, dude. I'm sure this one might be different though.
Tycho Nestorsis: Maybe. Oh, and by the way. When we made the deal I forgot to tell you something since I was pretty drunk. If you fail to pay us back properly, the Iron Bank has the resources to absolutely destroy you. We are fucking RUTHLESS. Anyway, have fun. It was great making that deal.
Jon then goes to get a bite, in hopes that it will help with his own jungle juice hangover. In the Castle Black mess hall, he runs into Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: HEY! I want to have a look at this Wildling Princess named Val.
Jon: Nah. Besides, she’s not really a princess. She’s the sister of a dead woman who was bad a baby with a desserter from the Night’s Watch who just called himself a king. You people have really weird ideas of how royalty works. Like, can a person just call themselves a king and you believe them? Hell. I could call myself king. I could call my little dead half-brother Bran king. People would just accept that?
Axell: Well, some people. Others will just be angry on the internet and not accept it at all.
Jon: True.
Axell: I know that Wildling princess isn’t here. Just admit it.
Jon: Oh! Is that the time? Excuse me, I’ve got to go and make plans for Hardhome. I’m debating whether or not I need to lead the attack myself.
As Jon is mulling that issue over the night, a messenger comes.
Messenger: Lord Commander! Lord Commander! A girl has arrived at the gates on a dying horse.
Jon: Really? Could this be Melisandre’s prophecy come true? Is it Arya?! Oh wow. How am I going to keep her safe? Women aren’t supposed to be here at Castle Black. Plus she’s Ned Stark’s daughter, so I know when Stannis gets back he’ll just try to marry her off to one of his loyal lordlings. Hrm. Maybe I can make some arrangement with Tycho TO SEND ARYA TO BRAAVOS.
He said, un-ironically.
Jon: Hey now, narrator.
Sorry.
Jon: Anyway, off to go meet Arya!
He goes to meet Arya.
Jon: It’s not her. Hell, it’s not even Jeyne Poole.
Alys Karstark: Hey, I’m Alys Karstark. We met once or twice as kids.
Jon: Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t my dad want to marry you to Robb?
Alys: Yep, at one time. That’s all long-ago history now. Since that time, your dad and Robb died and so did my dad. I’m not sure how though. I haven't been kept in the loop on much.
Jon: Oh you haven’t heard the whole story yet, huh? Well, your dad, Lord Rickard, murdered some child prisoners in his custody to get revenge on the Lannisters. So Robb executed him.
Alys: Wow, I’m really glad I didn’t marry Robb then. That would have been awkward. My husband cutting off my dad’s head? That sounds like an episode of 20/20. I can practically hear Elizabeth Vargas narrating it now.
Jon: So anyway, sorry about that.
Alys: Oh, it’s okay. My dad was sort of a dick. As are other members of my family. Such as Arnolf, who is my great Uncle. He’s actually who I’m running from. Technically my brother Harrion is the heir to house Karstark now, but he’s a prisoner of the Lannisters. Arnolf wants power for himself though. He wants to declare for Stanin openly specifically so the Lannisters execute Harrion. He also wants me to marry his son, Cregan, after Harrion is executed so I’ll be the new heir - but really he and Cregan will seize the power. They’d probably make me have a child with him and then once the baby pops out… I vanish like one of Kim Il Jung’s relatives.
Jon: Eww, gross? He wants you to hook up with a relative? That would be like me hooking up with my Aunt or something.
Alys: Anyway, Cregan has been giving chase to me. He’s the worst. I need you to protect me!
Jon: Hrm. I’m not supposed to play a part in these issues. And if your family is declaring for Stannis, that should be a good thing. Maybe we should send word to Stannis and let him know--
Alys: --Oh, they’re only declaring for Stannis as a ploy. They don’t really plan to follow him. They’ve been courting Stannis and lying to him this whole time. Truly they’ve bene plotting with Roose Bolton and are waiting for Roose’s order to betray Stannis.
Jon: Well, shit!
Alys: Help me Obi-Wan Jon Snowey, you’re my only hope!
Jon: No. Not if you have terrible dialogue like that.
Alys: Still better than your dialogue the last two seasons. "SHE IS MY QUEEN."
Jon: Fair enough.
Jon: Greetings, you grace. Welcome to Castle Black.
Selyse: Ah, hello there young intern. I was expecting the Lord Commander of Castle Black to meet me.
Jon: Uh, I am the Lord Commander. Jon Snow.
Selyse: Oh heck, really?
Jon: Yes. Hey! Who are you? I don’t recognize you.
Tycho Nestorsis: I’m Tycho Nestorsis from the Iron Bank. I’m basically Mr. Moneybags.
Jon: Oh bro, we need to talk later.
Tycho Nestorsis: Sure ‘nuf.
Jon: Anyway Queen, let me escort you to your temporary chambers here.
Selyse: Ugh. If you insist. But what I really need is to move into the Nightfort. Aren’t your builder jerks supposed to be restoring that castle so I can live in it?
Jon: Whoa, it takes a long time to rebuild a castle in ruins. The Nightfort is nowhere near ready. Honestly, the facilities here aren’t that fit for a queen either. You should have just stayed at Eastwatch by the Sea until the Nightfort was ready.
Selyse: No! I am so damn sick of Eastwatch. It’s not safe! I have this odd feeling that an ice dragon is going to come and burn everything down. Plus I have to be around that asshole Cotter Pyke.
Jon: Well, on the latter part I certainly understand. HAHA! That guy!
As they walk to Selyse’s new rooms, they run into Wun Wun.
Selyse: AGGHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL?! A MONSTER!
The Queen’s bodyguards run out with swords and are ready to attack.
Jon: No, this is just Wun Wun. He’s a giant. But those swords down. You Southerners really need to get used to how things are up here in the north.
Wun Wun bows to the queen.
Queen’s Yes Man: You Northerners are disgusting. Keeping monsters as pets. Maybe you’ll have some Others as pets too.
Jon: Wun Wun, tear his arms off.
Queen’s Yes Man: AGHH!!!
Jon: Haha, just kidding. Seriously though, Wun Wun is a guest. Put that sword away. Here in the North we respect guest rights. I know you people from the south have a hard time doing that.
Everyone in the Night’s Watch: OOOooOOooo.
Jon takes the queen to her new quarters and finally gets rid of her. But as they are departing…
Jon: Oh hey, Moneybags.
Tycho Nestorsis: Yes?
Jon: Mind if we have that talk? We could meet up on top of the Wall in a bit.
Tycho Nestorsis: On top of the Wall? No thanks. I’d rather meet in a nice, warm room. I’m free now if you’d like.
Jon: That sounds suspiciously like you're asking me on a date.
Tycho Nestorsis: I'm not. I wanna talk money and drink.
Jon: Hells to the yeah. Let’s do that.
And so they head to a nice war room to sit down for a conversation.
Jon: So how is all this bank stuff going?
Tycho Nestorsis: Odd question. In many ways very well. However, we have some… problems… with you people of Westeros.
Jon: What do you mean "you people?" Is it because we're from Castle BLACK?!
Tycho Nestorsis: ...
Jon: Seriously though... like what? What problems are you having with Westerosi people?
Tycho Nestorsis: Well, as you know the crown owes the Iron Bank a geat deal of money. Technically, it is the Lannisters and King Tommen who control the Iron Throne now. But they have stopped making their payments on their loans.
Jon: Wow, a reference going all the way back to AFfC 24? Hrm. I guess that's a good "catch up" to now let us know the status of where the two timelines of these books line up since they're happening simultaneously for the first half of this book.
Tycho Nestorsis: Indeed. Anyway, the Lannister debt is now hence why I’m now with Team Stannis. If Stannis is to take the throne… well… he might do a better job at actually paying the Iron Bank back what it is owed.
Jon: Hahaha, cool. Those Lannisters are dumb as hell. So what kind of credit are you willing to offer another entity like… saaaaaaay… The Night’s Watch?
Tycho Nestorsis: It depends. What are you looking for?
Jon: We’re basically running out of food and materials and all that stuff we need to live until spring. Plus we need some ships. I got some stuff at Hardhome that I need to do.
Tycho Nestorsis: I’m afraid that’s totally out of the question.
Jon: Is it now? Maybe we should do a bit of a negotiation. I always like to negotiate after having a few glasses of Jungle Juice and I seem to recall you talking about drinking.
Tycho Nestorsis: Jungle Juice?!
Jon pulls out a few red solo cups and a jug of mysterious, orange-colored liquid. They start drinking.
Four hours later…
Tycho Nestorsis: Hahahaha, yesh Jon. Good ideash! Oshkay! I will givesh you shree shhips and gold to lasht shrew winter. In returnsh, I need a down payment of trinketsh and valuabulesh from the Wildlingsh. Alsho… I needsh your Watch to eschcort me to Shtannish.
Jon: Deal!
They shake on it. And then both pass out.
When Jon wakes up, he thinks that the fleet he’s putting together to save Hardhome with the Iron Bank’s three additional ships to his own 8 is too small, but can delay no further. He also thinks about Sam, Gilly and Aemon.
Jon: Oh hey, Tycho. Wake up.
Tycho Nestorsis: Ugh, I have such a headache, man.What is in that stuff, man?
Jon: Doesn't matter. I had a friend named Sam who stopped by in Braavos for a minute.You ever meet him or hear about the Night’s Watch ship that visited Braavos?
Tycho Nestorsis: Nah, sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell. Besides, all the talk in Essos these days is about that Dragon Queen.
Jon: Say what?
Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah, some queen who has three pet dragons.
Jon: WHOA! That wounds pretty awesome, right? I wonder if she's hot.
Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah, NO! It is very much NOT awesome. Do you know why people only live in Braavos because we fled form the Dragon Lords who persecuted and enslaved us?
Jon: Erm. Sorry, dude. I'm sure this one might be different though.
Tycho Nestorsis: Maybe. Oh, and by the way. When we made the deal I forgot to tell you something since I was pretty drunk. If you fail to pay us back properly, the Iron Bank has the resources to absolutely destroy you. We are fucking RUTHLESS. Anyway, have fun. It was great making that deal.
Jon then goes to get a bite, in hopes that it will help with his own jungle juice hangover. In the Castle Black mess hall, he runs into Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: HEY! I want to have a look at this Wildling Princess named Val.
Jon: Nah. Besides, she’s not really a princess. She’s the sister of a dead woman who was bad a baby with a desserter from the Night’s Watch who just called himself a king. You people have really weird ideas of how royalty works. Like, can a person just call themselves a king and you believe them? Hell. I could call myself king. I could call my little dead half-brother Bran king. People would just accept that?
Axell: Well, some people. Others will just be angry on the internet and not accept it at all.
Jon: True.
Axell: I know that Wildling princess isn’t here. Just admit it.
Jon: Oh! Is that the time? Excuse me, I’ve got to go and make plans for Hardhome. I’m debating whether or not I need to lead the attack myself.
As Jon is mulling that issue over the night, a messenger comes.
Messenger: Lord Commander! Lord Commander! A girl has arrived at the gates on a dying horse.
Jon: Really? Could this be Melisandre’s prophecy come true? Is it Arya?! Oh wow. How am I going to keep her safe? Women aren’t supposed to be here at Castle Black. Plus she’s Ned Stark’s daughter, so I know when Stannis gets back he’ll just try to marry her off to one of his loyal lordlings. Hrm. Maybe I can make some arrangement with Tycho TO SEND ARYA TO BRAAVOS.
He said, un-ironically.
Jon: Hey now, narrator.
Sorry.
Jon: Anyway, off to go meet Arya!
He goes to meet Arya.
Jon: It’s not her. Hell, it’s not even Jeyne Poole.
Alys Karstark: Hey, I’m Alys Karstark. We met once or twice as kids.
Jon: Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t my dad want to marry you to Robb?
Alys: Yep, at one time. That’s all long-ago history now. Since that time, your dad and Robb died and so did my dad. I’m not sure how though. I haven't been kept in the loop on much.
Jon: Oh you haven’t heard the whole story yet, huh? Well, your dad, Lord Rickard, murdered some child prisoners in his custody to get revenge on the Lannisters. So Robb executed him.
Alys: Wow, I’m really glad I didn’t marry Robb then. That would have been awkward. My husband cutting off my dad’s head? That sounds like an episode of 20/20. I can practically hear Elizabeth Vargas narrating it now.
Jon: So anyway, sorry about that.
Alys: Oh, it’s okay. My dad was sort of a dick. As are other members of my family. Such as Arnolf, who is my great Uncle. He’s actually who I’m running from. Technically my brother Harrion is the heir to house Karstark now, but he’s a prisoner of the Lannisters. Arnolf wants power for himself though. He wants to declare for Stanin openly specifically so the Lannisters execute Harrion. He also wants me to marry his son, Cregan, after Harrion is executed so I’ll be the new heir - but really he and Cregan will seize the power. They’d probably make me have a child with him and then once the baby pops out… I vanish like one of Kim Il Jung’s relatives.
Jon: Eww, gross? He wants you to hook up with a relative? That would be like me hooking up with my Aunt or something.
Alys: Anyway, Cregan has been giving chase to me. He’s the worst. I need you to protect me!
Jon: Hrm. I’m not supposed to play a part in these issues. And if your family is declaring for Stannis, that should be a good thing. Maybe we should send word to Stannis and let him know--
Alys: --Oh, they’re only declaring for Stannis as a ploy. They don’t really plan to follow him. They’ve been courting Stannis and lying to him this whole time. Truly they’ve bene plotting with Roose Bolton and are waiting for Roose’s order to betray Stannis.
Jon: Well, shit!
Alys: Help me Obi-Wan Jon Snowey, you’re my only hope!
Jon: No. Not if you have terrible dialogue like that.
Alys: Still better than your dialogue the last two seasons. "SHE IS MY QUEEN."
Jon: Fair enough.
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