Tyrion and Sharkleberry Finn are up for action at a slave market at Yunkish camp just outside of Meereen.
Auctioneer: THOSE AT THIS! A fine set of slaves here. A midget and a pink shark with shades who can do all sorts of flips and tricks and stuff. HEY SHARK! Say your line!
Sharkleberry Finn: FIN-Tastic!
Audience: WOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU SHARKLEBERRY FINN! WE’LL PAY TWICE AS MUCH FOR YOU AS WE DID FOR PURPLESAURUS REX!
Auctioneer: Do I hear one thousand?
Obese Yellow Guy: One thousand!
Black Sellsword Guy: One thousand and one!
Obese Yellow Guy: Oh come on. Don’t be that cheap asshole who offers one dollar more than the last person. So annoying.
Black Sellsword Guy: Hey, I’m just trying to be responsible with money. But I take your point. FIFTEEN HUNRED!
Obese Yellow Guy: Two thousand!
Black Sellsword Guy: Three thousand!
Obese Yellow Guy: Thirty five hundred!
Black Sellsword Guy: Wait… what is the currency we’re going with here again? I don’t even know what type of money is used here.
Obese Yellow Guy: I think it’s “Honors” or something like that.
Black Sellsword Guy: Honor? No way. That’s Jaime Lannister’s horse.
Obese Yellow Guy: It’s also a ship that Samwell Tarley saw in Oldtown’s harbor. But I think it’s the currency here too. I’m not sure. FOUR THOUSAND!
Black Sellsword Guy: Hahaha, dumbass. You were the last person to bid. You just over-bid yourself.
Obese Yellow Guy: D’oh? Can I take that back?
Auctioneer: No.
Black Sellsword Guy: Okay, that’s too much for me. I didn’t steal THAT much gold from Dany when I betrayed her.
Oh yeah, this is Brown Ben Plumm, by the way. In case you haven’t figured that out yet.
Tyrion: Hrm. That fat guy is clearly just a fat guy who wants to purchase us to put on our amazing Dwarf-and-Shark comedy jousting act. But that Sellsword… he would have no purpose for us. Unless… hrm… unless he recognized me and knew who I was. Strange. I figure my chances would be better with him. Even if he does plan to sell me to Cersei. I’m sure I could bribe him to reconsider. Better say some subtle things to reassure him that I am indeed worth his coin.
Auctioneer: Any more bids?
Tyrion: OH COME ON! Just four thousand?! I mean look at how awesome I am! I AM TYRION LANNISTER! I bid ten million! I’m great! I can beat any man in cyvasse! Anyone who buys me can have me hustle people at cyvasse and make their money back in days.
Sharkleberry Finn: I thought you said “subtle” things. You just said “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”
Tyrion: I don’t need to be lectured to about subtlety by a pink shark with shades who sells Kool-Aid.
Obese Yellow Guy: WAIT! Is he allowed to bid on himself? Can he do that?
Auctioneer: No. I’m pretty sure not. So we’re still at four thousand. Going once… going twice? SOLD! For Four Thousand Honors or Dragons or… uhh… pieces? Is it pieces?
Brown Ben: That’s it! Pieces! We’re bidding with “Silver Pieces” in this chapter.
Obese Yellow Guy: Oh yeah, we are. I think GRRM is fairly inconsistent about the currency in Essos. I am almost sure that inside Meereen they specifically talked “about honors.” And we’re just outside of Meereen. But then again, we are Yunkai slavers, so I guess we’d use Yunkai coins. At one point those were specifically referred to as “Golden Marks,” but now we’re apparently using “Silver Pieces.” I guess they could be part of the same currency system. Like the equivalent of a Golden Dragon and a Silver Stag. Anyway, give me my damn slaves.
Tyrion and Sharkleberry Finn are handed over to the Obese Yellow Guy’s Overseer, Nurse.
Nurse: Hi.
Tyrion: Your name is “Nurse?” That’s unfortunate.
Nurse: Your face is unfortunate. *ahem* Anyway, you now have the pleasure of being the property of Yezzan zo Qaggaz.
Tyrion: Yezzan zo Qaggaz? That’s even worse than “Nurse.” Can I just call him Obese Yellow Guy?
Nurse: No.
Tyrion then turns around to see the next person up for auction.
Auctioneer: Here we have an old, shitty knight from Westeros. Sort of balding. May or may not have greyscale but not really. Can probably take an illogical number of stab wounds from White Walkers and keep going. Do I near five hundred?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: Okay, I know, I know. We don’t really have much use for “Knights” over here in Essos. We’re more of a “Slave Army” type of culture. How about Three Hundred?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: Anything? I’ll pretty much take anything from him!
Potential Buyer: Can we buy him to grind up into meat to feed our pets? I’ll over one Silver Piece.
Auctioneer: Really? OH COME ON! I know he’s not in his prime… but he’s a knight! Grinding up a knight into pet food would be like grinding up a Kentucky Derby-winning horse to turn into pet food! Nobody would do that!
Potential Buyer: The Japanese would!
Auctioneer: I stand corrected. Okay! One Silver Piece! Do we have any more bids?
Tyrion turns around to Nurse.
Tyrion: Yikes. Jorah is an asshole. He kidnapped me and beat me. This is pretty much his “just desserts” given that he himself used to be a slave-trader. But I sort of also don’t want to see him ground up and fed to Arya’s new pet cat that she can warg into. HEY NURSE! Did you know that guy is part of our act?
Nurse: Really? That guy?
Tyrion: Yeah! Have you heard of “The Bear and he Maiden Fair?” It’s a popular song which we do an act to. He plays the bear.
Nurse: Bitch, I’m from Essos. Why the hell would I know a Westerosi song? It sounds like you’re making it up.
Tyrion: No, I’m serious. Google it. Anyway, our act won’t work without him.
Nurse: *sigh*
Nurse consults with Yezzan zo Qaggaz. The obese yellow man nods his head.
Yezzan zo Qaggaz: Five pieces of silver!
Auctioneer: Anyone else?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: SOLD! To Yezzan zo Qaggaz.
Jorah is brought over and joins Tyrion and Sharkleberry.
Tyrion: A thank you would be nice.
Jorah: Eat a whole bag of dicks.
Tyrion: Tiger penis soup is a delicacy in China.
Tyrion can tell that Jorah is a broken man now. He offers no resistance. Yep, he’s really getting that “I used to sell slaves and now I am one” ironic juxtaposition going on now.
Jorah: Also, I heard that Dany has apparently wed some Meereenese noble.
Tyrion: Pfft. Come on, like you ever had a chance with her.
They go back to the Yunkish encampment, where six giant trebuchets have been built, as Yezzan zo Qaggaz is one of the lords whose armies shall soon be attacking Meereen and its dragon queen. They are fitted with slave collars and chains and then watch as a bunch of other slaves are stoned to death.
Tyrion: OUCH! WTF?! What just happened there?
Nurse: Oh, they tried to escape. Good timing that you just saw that though. Now you know what happens if you try to do the same.
They are brought forward to a tent. But this is no normal tent.
Tyrion: Is this a CIRCUS tent?
Nurse: Yes. You’re a dwarf and a talking pink shark. You guys are FREAKS. You’re going to be part of Yezzan zo Qaggaz’s freakshow with the bearded lady, conjoined twins, elephant man, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, and Zendaya.
Tyrion: Why the hell are Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron and Zendaya part of this freakshow? They’re all perfectly normal.
Zendaya: It’s just a “The Greatest Showman” joke. Don’t put much more thought into it. A fleeting throwaway joke to be instantly forgotten as the story moves along.
Tyrion: Goddamn are you hot.
Zendaya: I know.
Tyrion: If HBO had properly adapted the Dorne story, you should have played Alleras Sand.
Zendaya: Yeah, it’s been mentioned before. But what are the chances I'd ever actually wind up on an HBO show?
That evening, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has his newly-acquired slave entertainers put on their show. They fill a big pool of water up and it’s basically Sea World but with less animal abuse.
Nurse: What about this knight guy who is playing the Bear? Are you using him?
Tyrion: Uhh… no. Not tonight. We’re doing a different act that doesn’t use him.
They put on a great show with all sorts of flips in the pool of water.
Sharkleberry Finn: IT’S SO HIP, IT WILL MAKE YOU FLIP! …FIN-TASTIC!
Everyone: HAHAHA! THIS SHARK IS GREAT! WE LOVE HIM!
Among the guests at the show are Yurkhaz no Yunzak, the supreme commander of the Yunkish forces; and the other man who tried to bid on him – Brown Ben.
Yurkhaz: Hey dwarf! That was a good show. I heard you talking some shit about cyvasse though. Saying you can beat anyone.
Tyrion: I can.
Yurkhaz: Oh, it’s on then. Your ass is grass, and I am going to smoke it.
Tyrion: Maybe I’m grass… but remember that Areo chapter where Prince Doran implies that grass is awesome?
Zac Efron: We sure are making a lot of Dorne references for no reason now.
Tyrion: Get outta here, Zac!
Tyrion easily defeats Yurkhaz.
Yurkhaz: SHIT!
Nurse and Yezzan zo Qaggaz are standing there watching.
Nurse: Pay up, bitch!
Brown Ben: Me next! Me next!
He sits down to play Tyrion.
Tyrion: Oh, I remember you. You were the guy who tried to buy me. I assume you knew who I was.
Brown Ben: Indeed I did, especially after you shouted out “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”
Sharkleberry Finn: I told you that wasn’t subtle, dood.
Brown Ben: Oh, and I haven’t introduced myself to you formally yet. the name is Plumm, Brown Ben Plumm. Now let’s make the odds interesting though. How about I play… FOR YOU!!!!
Yezzan zo Qaggaz eyes Brown Ben suspiciously.
Yezzan zo Qaggaz: No. I like my little dwarf slave. He entertains me greatly. But I will give you the amount I payed for him if he loses. And I’ll probably kill him for losing too.
Tyrion: *gulp*
The two play. Tyrion observes him carefully.
Tyrion: So, Plumm, is it? I know Lord Philip Plumm very well. As a matter of fact, the House Plumm’s overlords are House Lannister. So I guess that means you’re loyal to me and have to do whatever I say.
Brown Ben: Ha.
Tyrion: I’ll take that as a no.
Tyrion easily defeats Brown Ben.
Brown Ben: Uh… best two out of three?
In the end, they play five games, and Brown Ben only wins one of them before giving up. Since that time, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has departed. But Nurse gives Tyrion some news.
Nurse: HAHAHA! Yezzan zo Qaggaz will be quite pleased with you! You shall be rewarded with your victories by having the biggest show of your life!
Tyrion: Really? Where?
Nurse: In the fighting pits of Meereen!
Tyrion: How is that possible? Aren’t you at war with Meereen?
Nurse: BREAKING NEWS! We just signed a peace deal. Now that the Dragon Queen has married the Meereenese noble Hizdahr zo Loraq, he has opened up the fighting pits and invited us all to make peace with them.
Sharkleberry Fin: A HUGE AUDIENCE!?
Nurse: Tens of thousands!
Sharkleberry Finn: That sounds FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: Will it be, though? Will it?
Auctioneer: THOSE AT THIS! A fine set of slaves here. A midget and a pink shark with shades who can do all sorts of flips and tricks and stuff. HEY SHARK! Say your line!
Sharkleberry Finn: FIN-Tastic!
Audience: WOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU SHARKLEBERRY FINN! WE’LL PAY TWICE AS MUCH FOR YOU AS WE DID FOR PURPLESAURUS REX!
Auctioneer: Do I hear one thousand?
Obese Yellow Guy: One thousand!
Black Sellsword Guy: One thousand and one!
Obese Yellow Guy: Oh come on. Don’t be that cheap asshole who offers one dollar more than the last person. So annoying.
Black Sellsword Guy: Hey, I’m just trying to be responsible with money. But I take your point. FIFTEEN HUNRED!
Obese Yellow Guy: Two thousand!
Black Sellsword Guy: Three thousand!
Obese Yellow Guy: Thirty five hundred!
Black Sellsword Guy: Wait… what is the currency we’re going with here again? I don’t even know what type of money is used here.
Obese Yellow Guy: I think it’s “Honors” or something like that.
Black Sellsword Guy: Honor? No way. That’s Jaime Lannister’s horse.
Obese Yellow Guy: It’s also a ship that Samwell Tarley saw in Oldtown’s harbor. But I think it’s the currency here too. I’m not sure. FOUR THOUSAND!
Black Sellsword Guy: Hahaha, dumbass. You were the last person to bid. You just over-bid yourself.
Obese Yellow Guy: D’oh? Can I take that back?
Auctioneer: No.
Black Sellsword Guy: Okay, that’s too much for me. I didn’t steal THAT much gold from Dany when I betrayed her.
Oh yeah, this is Brown Ben Plumm, by the way. In case you haven’t figured that out yet.
Tyrion: Hrm. That fat guy is clearly just a fat guy who wants to purchase us to put on our amazing Dwarf-and-Shark comedy jousting act. But that Sellsword… he would have no purpose for us. Unless… hrm… unless he recognized me and knew who I was. Strange. I figure my chances would be better with him. Even if he does plan to sell me to Cersei. I’m sure I could bribe him to reconsider. Better say some subtle things to reassure him that I am indeed worth his coin.
Auctioneer: Any more bids?
Tyrion: OH COME ON! Just four thousand?! I mean look at how awesome I am! I AM TYRION LANNISTER! I bid ten million! I’m great! I can beat any man in cyvasse! Anyone who buys me can have me hustle people at cyvasse and make their money back in days.
Sharkleberry Finn: I thought you said “subtle” things. You just said “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”
Tyrion: I don’t need to be lectured to about subtlety by a pink shark with shades who sells Kool-Aid.
Obese Yellow Guy: WAIT! Is he allowed to bid on himself? Can he do that?
Auctioneer: No. I’m pretty sure not. So we’re still at four thousand. Going once… going twice? SOLD! For Four Thousand Honors or Dragons or… uhh… pieces? Is it pieces?
Brown Ben: That’s it! Pieces! We’re bidding with “Silver Pieces” in this chapter.
Obese Yellow Guy: Oh yeah, we are. I think GRRM is fairly inconsistent about the currency in Essos. I am almost sure that inside Meereen they specifically talked “about honors.” And we’re just outside of Meereen. But then again, we are Yunkai slavers, so I guess we’d use Yunkai coins. At one point those were specifically referred to as “Golden Marks,” but now we’re apparently using “Silver Pieces.” I guess they could be part of the same currency system. Like the equivalent of a Golden Dragon and a Silver Stag. Anyway, give me my damn slaves.
Tyrion and Sharkleberry Finn are handed over to the Obese Yellow Guy’s Overseer, Nurse.
Nurse: Hi.
Tyrion: Your name is “Nurse?” That’s unfortunate.
Nurse: Your face is unfortunate. *ahem* Anyway, you now have the pleasure of being the property of Yezzan zo Qaggaz.
Tyrion: Yezzan zo Qaggaz? That’s even worse than “Nurse.” Can I just call him Obese Yellow Guy?
Nurse: No.
Tyrion then turns around to see the next person up for auction.
Auctioneer: Here we have an old, shitty knight from Westeros. Sort of balding. May or may not have greyscale but not really. Can probably take an illogical number of stab wounds from White Walkers and keep going. Do I near five hundred?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: Okay, I know, I know. We don’t really have much use for “Knights” over here in Essos. We’re more of a “Slave Army” type of culture. How about Three Hundred?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: Anything? I’ll pretty much take anything from him!
Potential Buyer: Can we buy him to grind up into meat to feed our pets? I’ll over one Silver Piece.
Auctioneer: Really? OH COME ON! I know he’s not in his prime… but he’s a knight! Grinding up a knight into pet food would be like grinding up a Kentucky Derby-winning horse to turn into pet food! Nobody would do that!
Potential Buyer: The Japanese would!
Auctioneer: I stand corrected. Okay! One Silver Piece! Do we have any more bids?
Tyrion turns around to Nurse.
Tyrion: Yikes. Jorah is an asshole. He kidnapped me and beat me. This is pretty much his “just desserts” given that he himself used to be a slave-trader. But I sort of also don’t want to see him ground up and fed to Arya’s new pet cat that she can warg into. HEY NURSE! Did you know that guy is part of our act?
Nurse: Really? That guy?
Tyrion: Yeah! Have you heard of “The Bear and he Maiden Fair?” It’s a popular song which we do an act to. He plays the bear.
Nurse: Bitch, I’m from Essos. Why the hell would I know a Westerosi song? It sounds like you’re making it up.
Tyrion: No, I’m serious. Google it. Anyway, our act won’t work without him.
Nurse: *sigh*
Nurse consults with Yezzan zo Qaggaz. The obese yellow man nods his head.
Yezzan zo Qaggaz: Five pieces of silver!
Auctioneer: Anyone else?
Audience: …
Auctioneer: SOLD! To Yezzan zo Qaggaz.
Jorah is brought over and joins Tyrion and Sharkleberry.
Tyrion: A thank you would be nice.
Jorah: Eat a whole bag of dicks.
Tyrion: Tiger penis soup is a delicacy in China.
Tyrion can tell that Jorah is a broken man now. He offers no resistance. Yep, he’s really getting that “I used to sell slaves and now I am one” ironic juxtaposition going on now.
Jorah: Also, I heard that Dany has apparently wed some Meereenese noble.
Tyrion: Pfft. Come on, like you ever had a chance with her.
They go back to the Yunkish encampment, where six giant trebuchets have been built, as Yezzan zo Qaggaz is one of the lords whose armies shall soon be attacking Meereen and its dragon queen. They are fitted with slave collars and chains and then watch as a bunch of other slaves are stoned to death.
Tyrion: OUCH! WTF?! What just happened there?
Nurse: Oh, they tried to escape. Good timing that you just saw that though. Now you know what happens if you try to do the same.
They are brought forward to a tent. But this is no normal tent.
Tyrion: Is this a CIRCUS tent?
Nurse: Yes. You’re a dwarf and a talking pink shark. You guys are FREAKS. You’re going to be part of Yezzan zo Qaggaz’s freakshow with the bearded lady, conjoined twins, elephant man, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, and Zendaya.
Tyrion: Why the hell are Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron and Zendaya part of this freakshow? They’re all perfectly normal.
Zendaya: It’s just a “The Greatest Showman” joke. Don’t put much more thought into it. A fleeting throwaway joke to be instantly forgotten as the story moves along.
Tyrion: Goddamn are you hot.
Zendaya: I know.
Tyrion: If HBO had properly adapted the Dorne story, you should have played Alleras Sand.
Zendaya: Yeah, it’s been mentioned before. But what are the chances I'd ever actually wind up on an HBO show?
That evening, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has his newly-acquired slave entertainers put on their show. They fill a big pool of water up and it’s basically Sea World but with less animal abuse.
Nurse: What about this knight guy who is playing the Bear? Are you using him?
Tyrion: Uhh… no. Not tonight. We’re doing a different act that doesn’t use him.
They put on a great show with all sorts of flips in the pool of water.
Sharkleberry Finn: IT’S SO HIP, IT WILL MAKE YOU FLIP! …FIN-TASTIC!
Everyone: HAHAHA! THIS SHARK IS GREAT! WE LOVE HIM!
Among the guests at the show are Yurkhaz no Yunzak, the supreme commander of the Yunkish forces; and the other man who tried to bid on him – Brown Ben.
Yurkhaz: Hey dwarf! That was a good show. I heard you talking some shit about cyvasse though. Saying you can beat anyone.
Tyrion: I can.
Yurkhaz: Oh, it’s on then. Your ass is grass, and I am going to smoke it.
Tyrion: Maybe I’m grass… but remember that Areo chapter where Prince Doran implies that grass is awesome?
Zac Efron: We sure are making a lot of Dorne references for no reason now.
Tyrion: Get outta here, Zac!
Tyrion easily defeats Yurkhaz.
Yurkhaz: SHIT!
Nurse and Yezzan zo Qaggaz are standing there watching.
Nurse: Pay up, bitch!
Brown Ben: Me next! Me next!
He sits down to play Tyrion.
Tyrion: Oh, I remember you. You were the guy who tried to buy me. I assume you knew who I was.
Brown Ben: Indeed I did, especially after you shouted out “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”
Sharkleberry Finn: I told you that wasn’t subtle, dood.
Brown Ben: Oh, and I haven’t introduced myself to you formally yet. the name is Plumm, Brown Ben Plumm. Now let’s make the odds interesting though. How about I play… FOR YOU!!!!
Yezzan zo Qaggaz eyes Brown Ben suspiciously.
Yezzan zo Qaggaz: No. I like my little dwarf slave. He entertains me greatly. But I will give you the amount I payed for him if he loses. And I’ll probably kill him for losing too.
Tyrion: *gulp*
The two play. Tyrion observes him carefully.
Tyrion: So, Plumm, is it? I know Lord Philip Plumm very well. As a matter of fact, the House Plumm’s overlords are House Lannister. So I guess that means you’re loyal to me and have to do whatever I say.
Brown Ben: Ha.
Tyrion: I’ll take that as a no.
Tyrion easily defeats Brown Ben.
Brown Ben: Uh… best two out of three?
In the end, they play five games, and Brown Ben only wins one of them before giving up. Since that time, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has departed. But Nurse gives Tyrion some news.
Nurse: HAHAHA! Yezzan zo Qaggaz will be quite pleased with you! You shall be rewarded with your victories by having the biggest show of your life!
Tyrion: Really? Where?
Nurse: In the fighting pits of Meereen!
Tyrion: How is that possible? Aren’t you at war with Meereen?
Nurse: BREAKING NEWS! We just signed a peace deal. Now that the Dragon Queen has married the Meereenese noble Hizdahr zo Loraq, he has opened up the fighting pits and invited us all to make peace with them.
Sharkleberry Fin: A HUGE AUDIENCE!?
Nurse: Tens of thousands!
Sharkleberry Finn: That sounds FIN-TASTIC!
Tyrion: Will it be, though? Will it?
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