Asha Greyjoy is riding in a wagon, all chained up and a captive of the army of Stannis Baratheon. They are on their way to Winterfell, 100 leagues away from Deepwood Motte.
Asha: Leagues? Isn’t that a nautical term.
Soldier: Well yeah. But it can also be used on land. Either way, it roughly refers to three miles.
Asha: Okay, maybe it was just a maritime bias, given that I worship a water god and stuff.
Solider: It should take about 15 days to get there.
Other Solider: Robert Baratheon could have done it in 10 days!
Soldier: Really? Don’t mention that in front of Stannis. He’ll probably throw you on the fire next. You know how he hates people talking about how his brother is so much better than him.
Other Solider: Well Robert could have.
Solider: Dude, you have a mancrush on a dead fat king… you might need to talk to a psychologist about that.
Other Solider: Shut up. Robert killed my family back in the day. But you know how Robert is! He had a way of turning his enemies into his friends. They bend the knee to him and all is forgiven.
Asha: Hey! That’s what I did. Once Stannis captured me, I bent the knee and begged for him to spare my men.
Solider: Lady, nobody was talking to you. This is our conversation.
Asha: Incorrect. You were talking to me. About leagues.
Soldier: Oh yeah, that’s right. Still, shut up. You’re our prisoner.
Asha: I know Stannis didn’t spare my men because he has mercy. He wants me as a valuable prisoner. Too bad he doesn’t realise how bad of a bargaining chip I am. I lost my battles and I lost at the Kingsmoot. I’m damaged goods, in their eyes. He thinks he can trade me in for something, but I’m probably worthless to the Iron Isles now. Especially because society is sexist and doesn’t value women, nor think them effective warriors.
Alysane Mormont: Bullshit! Look at me here. I’m serving in Stannis’s army, and I’m valuable to him. I gave him all of Bear Island’s forces. Bear Island has many female warriors.
Asha: Oh cool. I guess we can become best friends then. GIRL POWER! Two women warriors on the same side! Right? Because I bent the knee to Stannis, so we’re on the same side now.
Alysane: Excuse me, you didn’t allow me to finish. I meant to say that Bear Island has many female warriors because centuries upon centuries of raiders from the Iron Islands who raped and murdered all of us for fun. You made us this way.
Asha: Soooooo… you’re welcome?
Alysane: …
Asha: Oh come on. I don’t see how you can be allied with this Stannis guy. All his followers worship that R’hollor god. They think your gods are demons. They probably want to burn you.
Alysane: Well, Stannis has forbade that stuff for now.
Up next comes Ser Justin Massey. You might remember him from debating with Jon Snow over a lot of stuff and overall being a giant douche.
Justin: Well, my name is Justin. So it’s not that surprising that I’m a douche.
Hey creeps up on Asha.
Justin: Heeeeey girl. You’re cute.
Asha: Oh come on, don’t think I see right through this. You’re a mediocre, nobody knight in the service of Stannis who is destined to never get any major title or Lordship. You know that I’m a Princess of the Iron Isles, since my father was King Balon, and you hope that when Stannis wins and the Iron Isles are defeated, I will be appointed as Queen and maybe Stannis will make you King or something. Nice try. It ain’t gonna happen.
Justin: Maybe. Maybe not.
Asha: I’d like to see you try to defeat my Uncle Crow's Eye for the Iron Isles. He would eat you for breakfast.
Justin: Oh come on, you’re totally into me. Don’t lie. Here, let me unchain your ankles to prove I’m really cool and that you should have sex with me.
He unchains her ankle fetters.
Solider: ANYWAY! I think we’re making great time. All we have to do is make about 20 miles a day. That should be easy.
That night, the temperature drops and the snows begin. They’re slowed down to 14 miles a day.
The snow doesn’t stop though.
At all.
The northern soldiers seem to be okay with it.
Mormont Soldier: Hell yeah! I brought my snowshoes! This is so much fun! Let’s go skiing.
Things are not going so well for Stannis’s southern soldiers though.
Southern Soldier: My balls literally just froze off. Look!
He points at his balls, laying in the snow.
A few nights later, as it snows even more. Asha is invited in to Stannis’s tent for dinner as a courtesy, as she’s of “noble” birth.
Asha: Hey, Your Grace. This food is cool and all, but what I’d really like is for these chains to be removed from my wrists. You know how your brother used to turn his enemies into his friends? This would go a long way in doing the same. I’ll be loyal to you. Make me one of your King’s men and I’ll serve you well.
Stannis shoots her a look of death.
Stannis: The gods didn’t make you a man… so how could I?
He drops the mic and walks away.
Justin: DAYUM Asha, did you not pay attention to anything those soldiers were saying earlier about not comparing Stannis to his brother? He hates that.
Over the next several days, they slow to a crawl in the snow, only moving a few miles a day.
Asha: What day is it?
Justin: Day 20.
Asha: I thought we’d get there in 15 days.
Justin: Well… nope.
Asha: How much further?
Justin: We’re less than half way there. At this pace that we’ve slowed to? I think maybe 30 years.
By now, they have lost wagons, horses, and men. Food and firewood is getting scarce.
Queen’s Man: We should start making sacrifices to the Lord of Light. Burn a few people and things will be going great.
Stannis: NO! Stop trying to get me to burn people. I would never.
Queen’s Man: Are you sure? What about your daughter?
Stannis: WHAT?! THAT’S A TERRIBLE THING TO SUGGEST! YOU THINK I’M SOME SORT OF MONSTER?!
Asha’s wagon then breaks down. There are no supplies to repair it, so it’s abandoned and she’s forced to begin walking through the snow herself. After all the days she has been in bondage, it’s hard for her to walk.
Day 24.
Solider: Well, we’re out of vegetables.
Day 32.
Soldier: Well, now we’re out of grains or anything to feed the horses with.
Asha: So what exactly are we supposed to eat?
Soldier: The good news is that all our horses are dying. So we have plenty of raw horse meat.
Other Soldier: UGH. What the hell? Why are we going to Winterfell? We should just abandon this stupid clusterfuck of a trip now.
Soldier: I think we’re doing it to save some Stark daughter or something.
Other Solider: REALLY?! We’re all dying for some dumb Stark girl?
Solider: Stop being a whiny little bitch.
Other Solider: SCREW YOU!
The two start fighting. Morale and discipline is falling apart on the march, which can no longer really be called a “march.”
Morgan Liddle: Hi Asha.
Asha: Who are you?
Morgan: Oh, I’m the guy that almost murdered you at Deepwood Motte. I just wanted to apologize. It was the heat of battle and everything.
Asha: Okay. That’s cool, I guess. I mean we were enemies, so you were supoposed to kill me.
Morgan: Actually, I wanted to apologize for calling you a cunt. It was rude. You know, I really consider myself a MALE FEMINIST.
Asha: *rolls eyes*
Finally, they reach a small, abandoned crofter’s village near two lakes and a watchtower.
Stannis: We’ll camp here for the night. We’ll be able to get fish from the lake and a little rest. But no more than one night! We need to keep moving!
And so they all go to sleep that night. Asha goes into her tent, which she shares with Alysane Mormont. Who snores, by the way.
When the dawn comes, Asha unzips the tent. She sees only white. Over night, the snow fell higher than the tent.
She digs her way out and sees Stannis’s camp is entirely buried. There is no way to go. They cannot go. They are stuck.
Asha: Well, I suppose I always imagined I would die in a battle at sea, coveted in the blood of my foes. But I guess I’m going to have to settle for “starvation and hypothermia in a small village after I bent the knee to an enemy.” I guess that’s cool too.
Alysane: Hey, I recognize this village. It’s called “Donner Village.”
Asha: Shit.
Asha: Leagues? Isn’t that a nautical term.
Soldier: Well yeah. But it can also be used on land. Either way, it roughly refers to three miles.
Asha: Okay, maybe it was just a maritime bias, given that I worship a water god and stuff.
Solider: It should take about 15 days to get there.
Other Solider: Robert Baratheon could have done it in 10 days!
Soldier: Really? Don’t mention that in front of Stannis. He’ll probably throw you on the fire next. You know how he hates people talking about how his brother is so much better than him.
Other Solider: Well Robert could have.
Solider: Dude, you have a mancrush on a dead fat king… you might need to talk to a psychologist about that.
Other Solider: Shut up. Robert killed my family back in the day. But you know how Robert is! He had a way of turning his enemies into his friends. They bend the knee to him and all is forgiven.
Asha: Hey! That’s what I did. Once Stannis captured me, I bent the knee and begged for him to spare my men.
Solider: Lady, nobody was talking to you. This is our conversation.
Asha: Incorrect. You were talking to me. About leagues.
Soldier: Oh yeah, that’s right. Still, shut up. You’re our prisoner.
Asha: I know Stannis didn’t spare my men because he has mercy. He wants me as a valuable prisoner. Too bad he doesn’t realise how bad of a bargaining chip I am. I lost my battles and I lost at the Kingsmoot. I’m damaged goods, in their eyes. He thinks he can trade me in for something, but I’m probably worthless to the Iron Isles now. Especially because society is sexist and doesn’t value women, nor think them effective warriors.
Alysane Mormont: Bullshit! Look at me here. I’m serving in Stannis’s army, and I’m valuable to him. I gave him all of Bear Island’s forces. Bear Island has many female warriors.
Asha: Oh cool. I guess we can become best friends then. GIRL POWER! Two women warriors on the same side! Right? Because I bent the knee to Stannis, so we’re on the same side now.
Alysane: Excuse me, you didn’t allow me to finish. I meant to say that Bear Island has many female warriors because centuries upon centuries of raiders from the Iron Islands who raped and murdered all of us for fun. You made us this way.
Asha: Soooooo… you’re welcome?
Alysane: …
Asha: Oh come on. I don’t see how you can be allied with this Stannis guy. All his followers worship that R’hollor god. They think your gods are demons. They probably want to burn you.
Alysane: Well, Stannis has forbade that stuff for now.
Up next comes Ser Justin Massey. You might remember him from debating with Jon Snow over a lot of stuff and overall being a giant douche.
Justin: Well, my name is Justin. So it’s not that surprising that I’m a douche.
Hey creeps up on Asha.
Justin: Heeeeey girl. You’re cute.
Asha: Oh come on, don’t think I see right through this. You’re a mediocre, nobody knight in the service of Stannis who is destined to never get any major title or Lordship. You know that I’m a Princess of the Iron Isles, since my father was King Balon, and you hope that when Stannis wins and the Iron Isles are defeated, I will be appointed as Queen and maybe Stannis will make you King or something. Nice try. It ain’t gonna happen.
Justin: Maybe. Maybe not.
Asha: I’d like to see you try to defeat my Uncle Crow's Eye for the Iron Isles. He would eat you for breakfast.
Justin: Oh come on, you’re totally into me. Don’t lie. Here, let me unchain your ankles to prove I’m really cool and that you should have sex with me.
He unchains her ankle fetters.
Solider: ANYWAY! I think we’re making great time. All we have to do is make about 20 miles a day. That should be easy.
That night, the temperature drops and the snows begin. They’re slowed down to 14 miles a day.
The snow doesn’t stop though.
At all.
The northern soldiers seem to be okay with it.
Mormont Soldier: Hell yeah! I brought my snowshoes! This is so much fun! Let’s go skiing.
Things are not going so well for Stannis’s southern soldiers though.
Southern Soldier: My balls literally just froze off. Look!
He points at his balls, laying in the snow.
A few nights later, as it snows even more. Asha is invited in to Stannis’s tent for dinner as a courtesy, as she’s of “noble” birth.
Asha: Hey, Your Grace. This food is cool and all, but what I’d really like is for these chains to be removed from my wrists. You know how your brother used to turn his enemies into his friends? This would go a long way in doing the same. I’ll be loyal to you. Make me one of your King’s men and I’ll serve you well.
Stannis shoots her a look of death.
Stannis: The gods didn’t make you a man… so how could I?
He drops the mic and walks away.
Justin: DAYUM Asha, did you not pay attention to anything those soldiers were saying earlier about not comparing Stannis to his brother? He hates that.
Over the next several days, they slow to a crawl in the snow, only moving a few miles a day.
Asha: What day is it?
Justin: Day 20.
Asha: I thought we’d get there in 15 days.
Justin: Well… nope.
Asha: How much further?
Justin: We’re less than half way there. At this pace that we’ve slowed to? I think maybe 30 years.
By now, they have lost wagons, horses, and men. Food and firewood is getting scarce.
Queen’s Man: We should start making sacrifices to the Lord of Light. Burn a few people and things will be going great.
Stannis: NO! Stop trying to get me to burn people. I would never.
Queen’s Man: Are you sure? What about your daughter?
Stannis: WHAT?! THAT’S A TERRIBLE THING TO SUGGEST! YOU THINK I’M SOME SORT OF MONSTER?!
Asha’s wagon then breaks down. There are no supplies to repair it, so it’s abandoned and she’s forced to begin walking through the snow herself. After all the days she has been in bondage, it’s hard for her to walk.
Day 24.
Solider: Well, we’re out of vegetables.
Day 32.
Soldier: Well, now we’re out of grains or anything to feed the horses with.
Asha: So what exactly are we supposed to eat?
Soldier: The good news is that all our horses are dying. So we have plenty of raw horse meat.
Other Soldier: UGH. What the hell? Why are we going to Winterfell? We should just abandon this stupid clusterfuck of a trip now.
Soldier: I think we’re doing it to save some Stark daughter or something.
Other Solider: REALLY?! We’re all dying for some dumb Stark girl?
Solider: Stop being a whiny little bitch.
Other Solider: SCREW YOU!
The two start fighting. Morale and discipline is falling apart on the march, which can no longer really be called a “march.”
Morgan Liddle: Hi Asha.
Asha: Who are you?
Morgan: Oh, I’m the guy that almost murdered you at Deepwood Motte. I just wanted to apologize. It was the heat of battle and everything.
Asha: Okay. That’s cool, I guess. I mean we were enemies, so you were supoposed to kill me.
Morgan: Actually, I wanted to apologize for calling you a cunt. It was rude. You know, I really consider myself a MALE FEMINIST.
Asha: *rolls eyes*
Finally, they reach a small, abandoned crofter’s village near two lakes and a watchtower.
Stannis: We’ll camp here for the night. We’ll be able to get fish from the lake and a little rest. But no more than one night! We need to keep moving!
And so they all go to sleep that night. Asha goes into her tent, which she shares with Alysane Mormont. Who snores, by the way.
When the dawn comes, Asha unzips the tent. She sees only white. Over night, the snow fell higher than the tent.
She digs her way out and sees Stannis’s camp is entirely buried. There is no way to go. They cannot go. They are stuck.
Asha: Well, I suppose I always imagined I would die in a battle at sea, coveted in the blood of my foes. But I guess I’m going to have to settle for “starvation and hypothermia in a small village after I bent the knee to an enemy.” I guess that’s cool too.
Alysane: Hey, I recognize this village. It’s called “Donner Village.”
Asha: Shit.
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