AGoT 61: Daenerys VII

Dany is chilling in a town of the Lamb Men, aka the Lhazareen.  And by "chilling," I mean watching wanton rape, murder and destruction. That's kind of what the Dothraki do. They go to villages of rivals and rape and murder everyone.  

Technically it wasn't even Khal Drogo who started it. A rival Khal, Ogo, attacked the town first.  And even though Ogo was just at the feast for Drogo and Dany in Vaes Dothrak - what happens in Las Vaes Dothrak stays in Las Vaes Dothrak. So Drogo just attacked the forces of Ogo and started killing them all. This made the Lamb Men happy, because they thought they were being saved by Drogo. But really, Drogo's army just wanted to do all the raping and plundering itself, rather than let Ogo's men have all the fun. 

And thus here we are with the survivors of Ogo's men and the Lhazareen being bound up and chained into slavery.

Jorah: See Dany... this whole slavery thing isn't that bad. Take it from me and several officials in the Trump administration.

Dany: You're messed up, man. Any news from my husband?

Jorah: Oh yeah, he's captured Ogo and his son. He killed them.

Dany: Brutal. We were just having a meal with them the other day. They watched me eat horse heart.

Jorah: Most of Ogo's men have run away, but we've still got a lot of captives. Like 10,000 or something. We should probably head south to Mereen and sell them there. Slaves fetch a better price in the South, as one would expect because the South is pretty much fucked up in every country that has a South. Drogo also received some minor wounds in the battle. Probably nothing to worry about though.

Dany: Nothing to worry about? What the hell?! This is olden times. We don't even have antiseptics!

Jorah: Nah, I'm sure it's nothing. I wouldn't quite go building a pyre to burn yourself on quite yet. He'll be fine.

Dany is then treated to the wonderful sight of a brutal gang rape like 15 feet away from her. 

Dany: HEY! HEY! CUT THAT OUT! STOP IT! I COMMAND YOU AS YOUR KHALEESI!

The Dothraki are totally shocked. Raping is part of their culture. Just one of many things the Dothraki has in common with fraternities on college campuses. So they just ignore Dany and keep on going. 

Dany: Jorah! Jhogo! Quaro! Stop them!

Jhogo: Why? It is an honor for a lamb woman to be mounted by a Dothraki.

Quaro: Yes! An honor! Just like it was an honor for that girl with Kobe.

Irri: It is known.

Dany: JORAH, DO SOMETHING!

Jorah: Geez, you really are your brother's sister, huh? And by that I mean Rhaegar. Not shitty Dragon Lad.

Jorah goes over and breaks it up. Which requires killing the two rapists because, hey, that seems like something you should probably do to rapists.  Dany then tells Doreah to tend to the wounds of the rape victim which seems like a sensible job for someone who's occupation is "sex teacher." 

Dany rides along through the carnage and saves more girls from rape. The whole thing is SUPER messed up and I'm incredibly uncomfortable even writing this chapter. Jorah tells her she can't save them all, but she doesn't listen. 

Dany eventually finds her husband and sees the "minor" wound that Jorah had mentioned. 

Dany: WHAT THE HELL?! You have an entire nipple sliced off! That was my favorite one too!

Drogo: This? But merely a flesh wound. Give Dro Go character. Make Dro Go look distinguished.

Dany: And with your nipple cut off I didn't even notice that YOU ALSO HAVE AN ARROW STICKING OUT OF YOUR ARM!!!!

Drogo: Arrow? No. That Dro Go's new jewelry. He get shot in arm but like it. Very fashionable. All Dothraki will wear soon.

One of the Dothraki, Mago, then rides up to Drogo and begins to speak to his Khal in the Dothraki language. He's angry and tells Drogo about all the women that Dany was saving from rape and murder. 

Drogo: Is this true, Dan Ares Wife?

Dany: Yeah.

Drogo: Rape what we Dothraki do. Did you no get memo?

Dany: It's just not right! At least have the raped girls marry the rapists after it's done! You know... like it says in Deuteronomy. By the way everyone, the bible is fucked up.

Jorah: Whoa now Dany, we're getting into some rough territory there. Maybe you should have mentioned General Hospital instead. Like with Luke and Laura.

Qotho: Qotho no marry lamb woman! Horse no breed with sheep!

Dany: That analogy doesn't even make sense, since you were LITERALLY just mounting and having sexual activity with that lamb lady. If you want to talk analogies... DRAGONS eat both horse and sheep. So shut your mouth down before I shut it for you.

Drogo: Ha ha ha! OW!!! Dan Ares Wife so funny and know how to give shit to Dro Go's men. I would laugh more, but it causes much pain to lungs with cut off nipple.

Dany: Ohmygod honey, are you okay? It really looks like you're wincing there! Is there a doctor anywhere here? Anywhere? Hello? A doctor? Please!

Mirri Maz Duur: I'm sort of a doctor. More like a "healer," really. Can I help?

Dany: Who the hell are you?

Mirri Maz Duur: I am Mirri Maz Duur, one of the Lamb Ladies that you just saved from being raped.

Aggo: No listen to Lamb Lady! I cut her throat! She no doctor! She crazy lamb witch!

Dany: NO! STOP! Don't cut her throat. Surely we can trust this crazy lamb witch who just saw her entire village burned to the ground and everyone she knows be raped and murdered. Surely she's so grateful that I stopped her from being raped that she'll now immediately side with us and help heal the very leader who commanded her to be raped and killed everyone she knows.

Mirri Maz Duur: Yes. Of course you can trust me. MWAHAHAHAHA.

Aggo: See? You hear that? EVIL LAUGH! EVIL LAUGH!

Dany: I didn't hear any evil laugh. So how did you come to be a healer, Mirri Maz Duur?

Mirri Maz Duur: Well, it's a long story. But generally I just follow all the medical advise provided by Gweneth Paltrow on Goop.

Dany: Seems legit.

Mirri Maz Duur: Bring Khal Drogo into my temple. My healing powers are better there.

Drogo rises to stand up, but falls down in pain.

Dany: Here honey, let me help you.

She helps him to the temple. Everyone else follows. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Uhh... some privacy, please? I don't need everyone standing around and watching me as I kill curse heal him.

But the rest won't go. They don't trust her blindly, like Dany does. They stay there and hold Drogo down as Mirri Maz Duur pulls out the arrow and pours boiling wine onto his wounds. Needless to say, it hurts and Drogo is screaming in pain. It takes every single person in the room to hold Drogo down so he doesn't jump up and begin punching everyone in their face. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Next, we will need to put a plaster on Drogo to keep his wounds clean. Ahh.. let's see... let's see... plaster... plaster... AH! this should do!

Mirri throws some fucking leaves that were laying around on the floor on the wounds. That's right, the awesome healing power of LEAVES. Remember that time you broke your arm riding a bike and the doctor recommended you put a cast of maple leaves around it? Yeah, I don't either. 

Mirri Maz Duur: Do not drink wine or milk of the poppy for ten days. And do not pull this plaster off, no matter how much it itches. And do not go into the pool within one hour after eating. And please... please... please, Drogo -- DO NOT FEED THE MOGWAI AFTER MIDNIGHT!

Drogo: Dro Go thank witch lady but now Dro Go feel itch.

Drogo begins ripping leaves off and starts scratching his wound. 

Drogo: Ahhhhhh! Scratch itch good.

Mirri Maz Duur: STOP IT! I JUST TOLD YOU NOT TO DO THAT.

Dany: Wow Mirri Maz Duur, you seem like a really good doctor. You know, when I have my baby I'd like for you to be there and help deliver my child.

Drogo: Wife Dan Ares no ask slave woman. Wife Dan Ares TELL slave woman.

Mirri Maz Duur: Oh, it would be an honor, Dany. Such an honor. MWAHAHAHAHA!

Aggo: See? There it goes again, Dany! You CANNOT tell me that you didn't hear that!

Dany: Hear what, Aggo? 

AGoT 60: Jon VIII

Lord Commander Mormont: Oh, hey Jon... how the fuck you doing?

Raven: CORN!

Jon Snow: Oh, I'm fine. Just fine. Not in CONSTANT, UNENDING PAIN FROM THESE BURNS ALL OVER MY HAND. You remember, right? The ones I got from throwing a burning curtain on a zombie that was attacking your naked ass?

Mormont: Geez, you're so whiny. Well look on the bright side, at least your flesh can burn. That proves you're not a Targaryen or anything.

Jon: What? Why did you mention that? Who has accused me of being a Targaryen? Everyone knows that I'm Ned Stark's bastard.

Mormont: Eh, I don't know why I said that.

Jon: Besides... is that a fact? That Targaryens can't burn? I'm pretty sure they can burn and that's just a myth.

Mormont: *shrugs* Maybe we should go to Aemon and figure that out. Hehehe.

Jon: Huh? Why would Aemon know? Oh right... because he's a learn-ed scholar with years of training from the citadel. He studied to become a maester and knows many things. Good point.

Mormont: Uhhh... yessssss. That's what I was implying. Anyway, moving on... thanks for setting fire to zombie Othor for me. THAT WAS CRAZY! Dead bodies coming alive and turning into ice zombie people? Hope that the burns on your hand don't cause too much damage.

Jon: Aemon says I'll be fine. Fine except for the SCARS I'LL HAVE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Physical and emotional!!! Dude, you should all be glad I sleep by myself with Ghost. I don't want anyone else seeing how messed up I am having nightmares about those Wights.  I had one the other night and it had my father's face.

Mormont: Well, you're not the only one injured by the fire. I mean just look at this!

Mormont points to his former beard, which is now shaved off because some of it was slightly tinged by the fire. After a tiny bit of hair burned off from one side it looked uneven, so he cut all the rest off.

Jon: That's some serious first world problems there, Lord Commander.

Mormont: Well, if you're going to insult me I might as well give you an update that the rangers have returned from their search and still haven't found any sign of your uncle Benjen, meaning he's almost certainly dead or perhaps transformed into a half-dead, half-alive guide named "Coldhands." I dunno. That last bit is just a random guess. Anyway, they didn't spot any more wights though either. So that's a good thing. But rest assured there are more out there. The cold is coming in and the dead will rise. OoOoOOoooo...

Jon: Anyway, I saw that there was a raven last night. Any news? Anything about my father?

Raven: CORN!

Mormont: Dude, I would have told you about that if there was word. And nothing about your sisters either. No, the news was about Barristan Selmy. He was kicked out of the Kingsguard. Now he's wanted for treason after killing two Gold Cloaks who tried to arrest him. That is so messed up. What kind of idiot king sends city guards to arrest an honorable member of the Kingsguard? Not the kind of king we should have on the throne while the Others are waking from thousands of years of sleep and the dead are rising from their graves.

Jon still isn't sure if Mormont is telling him everything from the letters. Perhaps he's just telling certain parts and leaving out others.

Mormont: So, when does Aemon think you'll be able to use a sword again?

Jon: Soon.

Mormont: Good, I got you this.

Mormont unsheaths a sword and hands it to Snow.

Mormont: This is Longclaw, ancestral blade of the House Mormont that goes back five hundred years. Forged from Valyrian steel. It used to have the pommel of a bear on it, but that was burned in the fire. So I had it re-done with the pommel of a wolf and I give it to you.

Jon: HOLY SHIT! What an honor! I... I... I don't even have words, Jeor. I shouldn't be given this! It belongs to your family. It should go to your real son, not to me!

Mormont: My real son? Oh, you mean that dipshit traitor and slave-trader Jorah? Even he was smart enough to leave the sword behind when he shamefully fled this country to Essos. No, you're like my, new, adopted son. I give this to you.

Jon: Hrm... if I didn't know better than I'd say this fine blade is halfway between an Oakeshott Type XIII longsword and an Oakshott Type XIIa greatsword, making it a... bastard sword.

Mormont starts giggling.

Jon: You're giving me a bastard sword?

Mormont: No. Really. It's a great honor. Ahahahahaha.

Jon: Fine. Whatever. This thing is Valyrian steel. It's probably worth like a bajillion dollars on eBay. I was always a bastard so I knew I'd never inherit Ice from my father. So, I'll take it.

Mormont: Of course, since a bastard sword can be swung one-handed or two-handed, you'll have to learn to swing with two hands now. When your hand is well enough, the new master-at-arms, Endrew Tarth, will teach you.

Jon: Whoa, whoa, whoa.... NEW master-at-arms? Alliser Thorne is the master-at-arms. What happened? Oh please say he died! Everyone hates that guy.

Mormont: No, I'm sending him to King's Landing with the hand of zombie Jafer Flowers to prove to the new king that the dead are rising. Alliser will show them how dire the situation is, and how much we need assistance and more men up here.

Jon: Oh SHIT! You mean in Season 7 I could have just sent the HAND of a zombie to Kings Landing rather than bring an entire zombie in a box? That makes so much more sense!

Raven: Stop talking about the TV show... I mean... ah... CORN!

Mormont: Huh? What are you talking about, boy?

Jon: Nevermind. Woo-hoo to getting rid of Thorne though.

Mormont: Yeah, whatever. Don't think I agree with all this shit you're pulling or think you can get out of being grounded for punching that dude in the face just because you saved my life.

Jon: But... but... but...

Mormont: Spare me your butts, boy. Do I look like Ser Mix a Lot to you? You're still my servant... now go fetch me some fucking dinner.

Jon goes to get Mormont his dinner. As he walks around, he tries to be all sly showing off his new sword. It's pretty obvious though.

Pyp: Jon! How's it going man?

Jon: Oh, me AND MY NEW SWORD are doing fine. Oh, DID MY NEW SWORD accidentally poke you?

Pyp: No, it didn't.

Jon: Oh, never mind then. By the way, did you notice that MY NEW SWORD is sweet-ass Valyrian steel?

Pyp: So Jeor Mormont gave that to you? As a gift?

Jon: Yeah.

Pyp: As a gift for what? You burned down half of his fucking tower.

Jon: Uh, yeah. I burned down his tower while killing a zombie. You're forgetting about the zombie killing part. Also, probably some spiders. I probably killed spiders.

Pyp: Which zombie did you kill again? The Othor one? So what did the Jafer Flowers zombie do?

Jon: Eh, he killed like four people before then killing Ser Jaremy Rykker.

Pyp: WHAT?! Ser Jaremy?! You mean the guy who became the First Ranger after your uncle went missing? The guy who was somewhat important in the last few chapters on the wall?

Jon: Yep. Don't bother remembering that name anymore. Another one of 10,000 characters you can forget. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go fetch the Lord Commander's dinner.

Jon goes on and does all that.

Later he's back in his room with Ghost and is still really freaked out, thinking about the zombie and its dead blue eyes. He also thinks about his half-brother, Robb, fighting down in the Riverlands.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey! I see that pommel on your new sword. It's a white wolf. That's totally me! Fucking badass sword, man!]

There is a knock at the door and Sam lets himself in.

Jon: Hahaha, you wanna see my sword too?

Sam: Dude, I'm straight.

Jon: No, that wasn't a penis joke. I mean my new sword, Longclaw.

Sam: Oh. No. I grew up with my dad's stupid Valyrian steel sword hanging over the mantle at home. I know what it looks like and I don't give a shit. Aemon wants to see you.

Jon: Why does Aemon want to see me? You snitching on me, Sam? You tell him that I knew about my brother down in the Riverlands? Stitches to snitches!

Sam: Please, I didn't need to tell Aemon anything. Anyone could guess that you know since you're such a mopey bitch all the time and you got no poker face.

Jon goes to see Aemon. Clydas is there.

Clydas: YEE HAW!!! Good to see you, Jonny Boy! Hey! I'm fixin' to jump my orange 1969 Dodge Charger across the ol' crick. You wanna watch?

Jon: No.

Clydas: Ah. Well, also I'm helping the Maester out with the ravens.

Aemon: Get out of here, Clydas. I would like to speak with Jon alone.

Clydas: Ok, off to the Boar's Nest and hit on that cute waitress who works there! You know... the one with those tight, short, daisy duke jean shorts?

Jon: You mean Daisy Duke?

Clydas: YEP! That's the one!

Jon: Your cousin?

Clydas: YEP!

Jon: Oh right, because you're from Georgia. Never mind. Carry on.

Clydas leaves and no matter how much you like it or dislike it, every time Clydas and/or Chett appear... I am going to make jokes that they are the replacement cousins from Season 5 of Dukes of Hazzard. I know that this is the bottom-of-the-barrel with respect to my running jokes, but you're going to have to deal with it.

Jon: Gross. People who are sexually interested in their cousins is gross. The only thing I could think of that which would be more gross is being sexually attracted to your aunt.

Aemon: Get over here Jon and help me feed these ravens.

Jon: Is that why you summoned me here? So I could feed some damn ravens?

Aemon: Shut the fuck up and listen to me tell you a long allegory about choosing between duty and family.

Jon: Is this going to be boring?

Aemon: You know, you're not the only person who had to choose between duty and family. I've had to do that plenty of times. At least three that I can think of - once as a boy, once as a young man in my prime, and once as an old man.

Jon: Well, I'm sure it's nothing like my story. My brother is going off to war, and I have to--

Aemon: --YES, IT'S JUST LIKE YOUR STORY, DIPSHIT! That's why I'm telling it. It involves war. Let me tell you about the last time. I got word that my brother's grandson, Aerys II was killed. Brutally murdered by Jaime Lannister.

Jon: Hey, interesting! Jaime Lannister similarly murdered a king that was named Aerys II! What a coincidence. He must really like killing guys named Aerys II.

Aemon: Then, to follow that up was the news that his son, Rhaegar, was also murdered. And then Rhaegar's little children, just babies, Rhaenys and Aegon, were also murdered.  My whole family was being slaughtered. The last of my family! I wanted to help them. I wanted to be there for them. But I couldn't. I had already sworn my life to the Maesters of the Citadel and then later to Castle Black.

Jon: Wait, I'm super confused. Why do all your family members have the same last name as the Targar--OH SHIT, IT JUST HIT ME, YOU'RE A FUCKING TARGARYEN!!!!!!!!

Aemon: Yes. My father was Maekar, the First of His Name. My brother was Aegon V, aka Aegon the Unlikely.

Jon: Wow, with all these Targaryen revelations... this seems like the perfect time to segue into a Daenerys chapter!

AGoT 59: Catelyn IX

Cat is freaking the fuck out. Her son is marching south towards the Twins and war. Her husband is a prisoner in Kings Landing. Her brother, Edmund, is battling the Lannister forces near Riverrun. Her father, Hoster, is sick and dying. One of her daughters is a prisoner and she doesn't have a fucking clue where her other daughter is. And she's got a crippled son and a baby back in Winterfell. Her life is absolute shit and everything is going wrong.

The Blackfish has been riding out and scouting. He sends a letter that Walder Frey has assembled his men at the Twins rather than sending them south to Riverrun.

Robb: Oh, Lord Frey must be simply waiting for my army to arrive. Then he will join our forces and we'll march south together.

Cat: You're a pretty dumb dumbass sometimes, son. If you expect nothing from Frey then you will never be disappointed, because that's usually what he delivers. Jack shit. Plus he was always super friendly with the Lannisters.

They make camp and Theon shows up. The Blackfish has another letter. Theon delivers it.

Theon: Wow man, this guy is just writing letters left and right! Here you go.

Cat: Shut up, Theon. Nobody likes you.

The letter says that a bunch of Lannister scouts have been killed and captured by Blackfish because he's FUCKING BOSS. Now they are retreating South.

Theon: With the Lannisters retreating, they'll never figure out the plan we have to split our forces.

Cat: Oh, I wouldn't say that. Frey could still snitch on us and tell the Lannisters. Send orders to make sure any raven sent from the Twins is shot down by bowmen.

Theon: That order has already been given. But really because I fucking hate birds. Those things are disgusting. They shit everywhere and--

Cat: --Didn't I say shut up earlier, Theon? Now son, the only way across the Green Fork north of the Ruby ridge is the bridge at the Twins. Lord Frey must be on our side!

Theon: Well, if he isn't... we can simply storm the Twins and take it for ourselves!

Cat: DAMN, YOU ARE THE WORST ADVISOR EVER, THEON! I'm talking to my son, not to you. Don't listen to him, Robb. Listen to mommy dearest. We don't have the time to fight our own bannermen. Besides, if we laid siege to the Twins then Tywin Lannister's forces would come up and attack us from the rear.

Robb: *giggle*

Cat: Shh! Stop being such a child, Robb. You need to grow up and make a decision on what to do... now!

Robb: Well, what would dad do?

Cat: Ned would find a way to cross the river... no matter what. Then he'd cheat on the river and have a bastard son with some hussy from the south and bring home fucking Jon Snow.

Robb looses his collar, as mom's having one of her moods again. 

Then, Blackfish, tired of simply sending letters, rides up and arrives himself.

Blackfish: Hey there! Sorry, the post service is so slow and I figured if I needed to get news to you then coming myself is the best way. Plus I was out of stamps and it was past 5PM, so the post office was closed anyway so I couldn't buy more stamps.

Robb: Just go on and tell us the story rather than talking about damn stamps.

Blackfish: Ah, yes. Edmure's forces have been defeated and he's been captured. Some of his men escaped and are holding their ground at Riverrun. Lord Frey has also pulled back all of his men into his castle rather than the lands around it.

Robb: GRRR! That fucking Frey! I say we attack Frey's stupid castle and knock the fucking walls down!

Cat: Well now you sound like a sulking boy, Robb. The Frey's have controlled that crossing for 600 years and they always make people to pay the toll to cross.

Robb: Wait... we just have to pay a toll? Why didn't anyone just say that in the first place? We have plenty of coins.

Cat: No, it's really more of a metaphorical toll. You have to pay with SOMETHING, not specifically money.

Robb: What do you mean? Like... butt stuff?

Cat: No, no, no! I mean... maybe... No! Probably not.

Robb: Well what the fuck is it that Frey wants?

Cat: The only way to find that out... is to go to him and ask!

Robb: Okay then.

So they go to the Twins.

Cat: Hey there, Walder Frey!

The frail, 90-year old Frey sits there in his castle, surrounded by his giant family of a million dudes all named "Walder." It's like everyone hopes that if they name their kid "Walder" he'll like them the most and get all the inheritance when old man Walder dies. Which will hopefully be any day now.

Cat: So... uhh... Why didn't you join my brother in battle? Also, why aren't your gates open to let my son cross? I want to try to be polite about this shit, but you're sworn to House Tully.

Frey sends all of his sycophant descendants away so they can talk alone.

Frey:  Okay, so first off bitch... I was still gathering my strength before your dumb brother Edmund went and got himself captured. Second, in addition to being sworn to House Tully I'm also sworn to the King. You seem to be rebelling against the King right now, making you a bunch of fucking traitors. You can see how this puts me in a bit of a spot, right? Right?

Cat: You're so fucked up.

Frey: Fuck you and fuck the Tullys. I don't give a shit. All you Tullys look down on us Freys like we're shit. You can all eat a bag of dicks. And don't think that means I love the Lannisters either. They are a bunch of rich assholes that treat me like shit too. Arrogant twats. If they want me to side with them, then they can come before me and fucking ask.

Cat: Asking is exactly what I'm is doing. As is my father, my brother, my son, my husband, etc. I'm speaking on behalf of them all. We need your help.

Frey: You're fucking right you do. But why help people who insult me? Your father hasn't even showed up to the last four weddings I hosted here! What the fuck? Didn't even return the RSVPs with a, "Sorry" or anything.

Cat: Yeah, well, he's terminally ill and on his deathbed. So I don't think going to weddings or replying to your fucking Paperless Post cards is at the top of his priority list.

Frey: Well it damn well SHOULD BE!  Plus there is the shit with your sister. I wanted some of my kids to be fostered with the Arryns. And for their boy to be fostered here. But no again. They wanted him to go to Tywin.

Cat: Wait... I thought the kid was supposed to be fostered with Stannis, not Tywin.

Frey: BITCH, I'M NOT THAT SENILE! I know the difference between Tywin and Stannis. Stannis is the one that likes scat play. So are we getting to haggling now or what?

Cat: Yes. Let's haggle. Just what do we have to give you in order to let Robb's army cross? Maybe even have some of your forces join us and march?

Frey: Well make me a first offer. I want to hear it.

Cat: Okay, we'll give you the island of Manhattan in order to let Robb cross. But you also have to give us $24 worth of beads.

Frey: Hahaha, you're crazy. Nobody wants shitty Manhattan. I want a MINT CONDITION Honus Wagner T206 baseball card, the Hope Diamond, a yacht that's big enough to land a helicopter on, at least one of those big ass stones from Stonehenge, every single Elgin Marble from the Parthenon that has a girl with an exposed titty on it, an agreement that your son will marry one of my daughters, and at least one painting by Leonardo. It doesn't have to be the Mona Lisa or anything... but it has to be a Leonardo. By Leonardo himself. I don't want any "Usually Attributed to Leonardo" or "From the Workshop of Leonardo" bullshit that was done by one of his studio apprentices. This shit needs to be certified.

Cat: No fucking way. I counter you with an offer of...

And so it goes on. For a few hours. Offer. Counter offer. Counter to the counter. Counter to that. And so on.

Finally, Cat leaves the catsle and goes out to join her son's army.

Robb: So... did we make a deal? What do we need to do in order to let my army pass?

Cat: Yes, we made a deal. You will be granted the crossing and all but 400 of Lord Frey’s forces will join you. In exchange, two of Lord Walder’s grandsons will be fostered at Winterfell, Olyvar Frey will become your squire, Arya will marry Walder’s youngest son Elmar, and you will marry your choice of Lord Walder’s daughters when the fighting is done. Also, we owe him a Honus Wagner T206 card, but I talked him down to a "fair" condition card, rather than "mint."

Robb: THAT IS A TERRIBLE FUCKING DEAL!

Cat: Yeah, I'm kind of a bad negotiator. I also agreed to leave 400 of our men with him. That's not a bad thing though... it will help to assure he stays loyal and doesn't double-cross us.

Robb and his army cross the river that evening. Roose Bolton's men stay on the other side of the River and ride south to Tywin.

AGoT 58: Eddard XV

Ned sits in a urine-soaked dungeon beneath the Red Keep. There is no light. Only pee and straw.

Ned: Well, if I'm going to be in isolation all by myself I might as well have an entire chapter that is just thinking and flashbacks. It will be an interesting chapter, you know? Mix things up again. I can go back to my more standard chapters later since I know I'll have many, many more of them. After all, I am the main character!

Ned thinks about how deep these dungeons must be. They were installed by a long ago king, Maegor the Cruel. Supposedly the architects who built the Keep were all killed after it was completed so that its secrets would never be known. 

Ned thinks back to Cersei's "Game of Thrones" quote. He hopes that those characters from Pee Wee don't do that whole "Secret Word" thing again just because he thought about it. They never appear, so that's good. Still, he's depressed about being locked up. He wants to cry but he doesn't. Starks ain't no bitches. 

Ned thinks about how much his damn leg hurts. It's his own fault for being so foolish. Still, he hopes that he will be rescued. Surely Stannis and Renly will laugh war against King's Landings. And Cat and the Tullys (and maybe the Vale) will probably march from the down too to help out. 

Ned thinks about Robert and himself when they were younger. How did Robert ever wind up being so fucked up and terrible a king when he was once such a great warrior? Now the fat shit is dead... killed by a pig. Ned knows he should have told Robert the truth about Cersei. Why didn't he? Another mistake. 

A jailer shows up to give him some water. Ned asks for news but is ignored. 

Ned thinks back to the Tourney at Harrenhal... back when he was 18 years old. FLASHBACK TIME!

281 AC, the Year of the False Spring...

Ned is in attendance, watching the Tourney. It's the final round.

Mike Tirico: Well fans, the Tournament is down to its last two competitors, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen and Barristan Selmy of the Kingsguard. This is going to be a great last joust!

Shaq: Icy Hot!

Rhaegar and Barristan charge at one another. Their lances are ready and steady. One shall stand... one shall fall.  

*BAM*

Rhaegar delivers an awesome hit on Selmy.

Mike Tirico: SELMY IS DOWN! SELMY IS DOWN! There you have it fans, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen is the champion of the Tournament of Harrenhal!  And as everyone knows, the winner of the tournament is given a laurel made of beautiful, blue winter roses to hand to one lovely lady in the audience. Doing so declares that lady as the "Queen of Beauty."  And it's pretty obvious that Rhaegar is going to give that laurel to his wife, Princess Elia Martell!

Rhaegar rides up to the front row of the audience, bringing the laurel out. As he approaches his wife, she holds her hand out, smiling. But then Rhargar's horse trots right past her. 

Elia: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Ned is sitting there too and can't believe it. Next to him is his sister, Lyanna. Rhaegar hands the laurel to Lyanna and winks. 

Mike Tirico: I can't believe this! The whole crowd has gone silent! You could hear a copper halfgroat drop!  Rhaegar has declared Lyanna Stark, rather than his own wife, the Queen of Beauty. Incredible!

Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.

Mike Tirico: Hrm, a good point, Shaq. The House Targaryen is represented by fiery dragons, and the House Stark generally associated with the cold snows of winter.

But then Ned's flashback takes a sudden twist. He reaches for the laurel and grabs it. The throns cut his hands and there is blood. Blood everywhere! Suddenly Ned is back in the Tower of Joy. 

Lyanna Stark: Promise me, Ned. Promise me! 

Ned wakens from his flashback. 

Ned: DAMNIT! Why do I keep dreaming about that?

It's another day now. Ned has been having these crazy dreams and been given water, with no food, for several days. He can't keep of track since there is no light. Time is meaningless to him. Many days ago (perhaps) he stopped asking for news from the jailer. 

And yet today, a new jailer arrives with a familiar voice. 

Jailer: Hi there, I'm somebody that you don't know at all. Yep, just some random person.

Ned: You're Varys.

Varys: Oh shit, that fake voice wasn't that effective.

Ned: Nope. So am I hallucinating again, or am I actually talking to someone real?

Varys: If you were hallucinating someone you wanted to see... then why would you hallucinate me?

Ned: Hrm, good point. So why are you here, Captain No Balls?

Varys: I come to bring you news. Arya has escaped. No one has been able to find her. Sansa is well, but kept prisoner by Cersei's men. She pleaded for your life. You should have seen it. She is quite a brave young thing.

Ned: Cersei will not kill me. Not while my wife holds her brother, the Imp!

Varys: Yeah, not so much anymore. She let him slip out of her hands. He's probably dead now anyway. My birds tell me he was sent off with a sellsword to travel the roads infested by the Moon Clans. Nobody could survive that!

Ned: I don't know why you come in here and tell me all this stuff like you're "on my side." You did nothing when my soldiers were slaughtered.

Varys: What could I do? Fight the Lannister soldiers myself? I play my part. It is better that I am an informant than a cowardly soldier.

Ned: So you gonna free me then or what?

Varys: Of course not. If I did... then I'd be a prime suspect.

Ned: Will you at least send a message for me then?

Varys: Depends what the message is. And if it serves my purposes.

Ned: Fuck, you really are a political realist, huh? So what is your "purpose?"

Varys: My purpose is what it always has been... PEACE! Peace for the realm. I struggled to protect King Robert from his enemies for fifteen years. And now I have failed to protect him from his own "friends." Tell me, what madness inspired you to try to tell the Queen you knew about her "secret?"

Ned: Oh fuck... it's obviously not that much of a secret. You, Littlefinger, Jon Arryn, and every fucking one else seem to know about it already.  Anyway... it was a madness called "mercy." You see, I was going to tell the King. So I warned the King. Surely Robert would have killed her and the children. Her? I don't give a fuck about. But those children are innocent.

Varys: Ah, I see. I forget that there are honest men in the world because they are so few. And now that I see what happens to honest people like you... I know why.

Ned: So was Robert murdered by Cersei? Was Lancel Lannister given orders?

Varys: Lancel was told that the wine was the King's favorite and to give it to him as much as he wanted. If it wasn't the boar that killed Robert... it would have been something else sooner or later. Probably sooner. She needed him out of the way to deal with Stannis and Renly. You should have taken up Littlefinger on his plan to support Cersei.

Ned: SHIT! You know about THAT TOO? Is the Tower of the Hand bugged or something? How does everyone in this place know about all of my shit? Man, I should have fucking never taken this job.

Varys: One last bit of news for you, Ned. The Queen plans to visit you tomorrow. Does she fear you? Yes. But she fears other men more. Men with armies who come marching her way. Stannis will kill her and her children just as Robert would have. She is willing to make a deal. A tame wolf is worth more to her than a dead one. Admit your treason. Bend the knee to Joffrey. Order your sob Robb to put down his swords and return home. Denounce Stannis and Renly as usurpers. Carry Cersei's secret  to the grave. Then you will be pardoned and allowed to take up the black and serve in the Knight's Watch for the rest of your days.

Ned: Oh wow! My nephew, Jon Snow, is up on the Wall! We could totally hang out. I promised to tell him about his mother and I still need to do that.

Varys: Wait... did you say nephew? I thought he was your bastard son.

Ned: SON! YES! I SAID SON!

Varys: I'm pretty sure you said, "nephew."

Ned: NO. I said "son." I very distinctly remember that. You must have something wrong with your ears. Anyway, it would be cool to see him again... but my answer is NO. My honor is more important to me than my life. I won't lie and say Joffrey is King. He's a little incest baby. That's exactly the same shitty thing that Littlefinger told me to do. You're obviously Littlefinger's bitch.

Varys: Littlefinger's bitch? Oh no, Ned. I give Littlefinger enough information to make him THINK I am loyal to him. Just like I give the Queen enough information to make her THINK I am loyal to her.

Ned: Then who do you REALLY serve?

Varys: Why, I serve the realm!

Ned: That's such a bullshit answer.

Varys: Still, you must make your choice. And remember when you try to balance your honor and your life that it is not only YOUR life that hangs in the balance. Your daughter Sansa is held by the Queen!

Ned: Don't bring my daughter into this!

Varys: Too late. She's already in this. The next time someone comes to visit you they can bring you food, water and milk of the poppy for the pain. Or they can bring you Sansa's head. The choice is yours.

A chorus of everyone in the universe cheers for Ned to pick the "Sansa's head" thing. Because Sansa is the worst.

Ned: Odd. Did you hear something?

Varys: Probably just in your head since you're going crazy down here in the dungeon alone. But tell me this, Ned. Why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? Ponder it, if you would, while you wait upon--

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Ned: Oh, not this shit again.

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the darkness of the dungeon. 

AGoT 57: Sansa V

Fucking Sansa (ugh) Stark shows up to her first court appearance in front of Joffrey. She's now, by permission of Cersei, allowed to "freely" roam the Red Keep. And by "freely" I mean she's a prisoner who can't leave and guards follow her wherever she goes. Guards like Kingsguard member Ser Mandon Moore, who stands by closely. 

Ser Mandon Moore: Please, no need to be so formal. My friends like to just call me "Mandy" for short.

What? Really? 

Mandy Moore: Absolutely.

King Joffrey and Queen Cersei then arrive, to much pomp and circumstance. Joffrey climbs up and sits on the Iron Throne.

Joffrey: It is the king's duty to punish those disloyal to him. Grand Maester Pycelle, please read the ROLL OF SHAME .

Pycelle: Okay, well, I could just read this entire ROLL OF SHAME that names a bunch of lords that need to show up and bend the knee to you, your Grace. But really the point we're getting at here is Stannis, Renly, and the Starks. Which Starks? All of them. 

Joffrey: Even Rickon!

Pycelle: Indeed. And now that the ROLL OF SHAME is read, I will now move on to read the King's next decree.  In place of the traitor Ned Stark, the new Hand of the King is to be... drumroll please...

The court starts a drumroll on their thighs. 

Pycelle: --TYWIN LANNISTER!

Absolutely nobody is surprised, but a couple of people fake it. 

Pycelle: And next, the King decrees that his mommy, Cersei, will sit in place of the traitor Stannis Baratheon on his Small Council.  Also, Ser Janos Slynt will be on the Small Council and we elevate him to the title of Lord of Harrenhal. He and his descendants shall have all the ancient lands of the seat of Harren from now until the end of time OR until Chapter 8 of the next book. Whichever comes first.

This time, people around the court really are surprised. Janos was a commoner with no royal blood or rank. In fact, he's the son of a BUTCHER!!!! Hey look, nobody is hating on butchers here. But to now suddenly be elevated to Lord of Harrenhal (the largest castle in the seven kingdoms) is CRAZY! Everybody knows why... it's because he helped betray Ned Stark to Littlefinger and Cersei. 

Pycelle: And last, I decree that the protection of the King is of the utmost importance, given these troubling and dangerous times of war and traitors.

Cersei: Yes, and on that last point, I'd like to make a further announcement. Ser Barristan Selmy... please, step forward.

The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard steps forward in his white cloak, and bends his knee before the King and Queen. 

Barristan: Your grace.

Cersei:  You have served the crown well for many years, but now is the time to set aside that burden and enjoy retirement. You will see that we have drawn up a standard Severance Agreement on bond paper. Pay close attention to Section 2, the terms of your compensation upon termination. Make sure you are okay with the accrued obligations, equity awards, welfare benefit plans, and your right to elect continuation coverage of insurance benefits, by the extent required by law. In subsection (d) you will find--

Barristan: --I... I'm so confused, my Queen. What is going on? Only death may end the term of a Kingsguard! It is a sacred trust for life. I long ago forsake my ancestral lands that I was supposed to inherent and turned away my fiance because Kingsguard members aren't allowed to marry. And that bitch was HAWT. I have served three kings and--

Littlefinger: --Three dead kings.

Barristan: What does that have to do with anything?

Cersei: Lord Commander Selmy, I am afraid that Littlefinger does have a point. Young King Joffrey is surrounded by traitors and those who would harm him. He needs younger, stronger men around to protect him.

Joffrey: Yeah, good job protecting my dad, OLD MAN. You were supposed to do that out in the woods but you know what? HE DIED.

Cersei: The new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shall be... *licks lips and touches herself*... JAIME LANNISTER!

Barristan: WHAT THE HELL?! You mean Jaime Lannister whose very name is a disgrace to the Kingsguard because he is the one member of the Kingsguard who ACTUALLY BETRAYED AND MURDERED HIS KING?

Everyone Else in the Room: *shrug*

Varys: Please, please. Calm yourself, Barristan. We mean you know disrespect with this. We all hold you in the highest regard. As a reward for your many years of service, we shall give you a plot of lands in the west with men, gold, servants and, you know... some hookers or something if you want.

Barristan: A giant house to die in and servants to bury me? THE HELL WITH THAT.

Barristan removes his white cloak and throws it on the ground. He then spits towards the king, whips out a pair of Bud Lites, smashes them together to open them up, drinks the foam off of them, throws them to the ground, and gives everyone the Stone Cold Steve Austin double middle finger.

Barristan: I am a knight, and I will die a knight.

Littlefinger: You'll die a naked knight if you keep disrobing.

Everyone laughs. Littlefinger is hilarious.

Barristan gives Littlefinger a Stunner (sitout 3/4 facelock jawbreaker) and then pulls out his sword. The rest of the Kingsguard get antsy and pull out their swords too. 

Barristan: Oh, there is no need for you all to worry. If I wanted you dead, you'd already be dead. I could whip you all. The rest of you Kingsguard members are all shitty weak sauce. I wouldn't want to serve with a bunch of cowards and pussies who would serve Jaime Fucking Lannister anyway. You can take this stupid sword and melt it into the throne with the others. I bet Stannis will really like the fact that the throne has an additional sword on it when he marches into Kings Landing and deposes this shitty boy.

The former Lord Commander throws the sword at the footsteps of Joffrey's throne and then walks out, his footsteps echoing through the hall. Everyone else is silent but nobody does anything. They don't want to get that Stone Cold Stunner like Littlefinger got.

Mandy Moore: Oh man, that was super embarrassing for Ser Barristan. I can't imagine a Kingsguard such as myself being treated in such a shameful manner.

With Barristan safely gone and out of hearing distance, Joffrey then does what he always does - act tough and strong when there is nobody around to actually challenge him. 

Joffrey: Who is he calling "boy?" I'm the king! I want that man arrested!

Janos Slynt: My men will have it done, your Grace.

Littlefinger slowly picks himself up, feeling for internal bleeding. 

Littlefinger: Good luck with that. I'm sure Selmy will kill, like, everyone you send against him.

Joffrey: And with Selmy dismissed, we have a vacancy on the Kingsguard. Do we have any volunteers?

Everyone in the room except for Sandor Clegane takes one step backwards. 

Joffey: Ah, Hound! Thank you very much!

Hound: What?! Ah, SHIT! Look, I ain't taking none of that knight "oath" shit and swearing to the seven gods.

Ser Boros Blount, of the Kingsguard: No! You have to, Hound. Members of the Kingsguard are ALWAYS anointed knights. Even Mandy Moore. You must have the magical oils rubbed on you and say the incantation. Which really makes becoming a knight sound a lot like becoming part of some 1970s sex cult.

Hound: Nah. Ain't going it. The King seems to be cool with that.

Joffrey: Does anyone else have objections to the order of the King?

Nobody says anything, because that shit they just did to Barristan was cold AF. Even Boros Blount holds his tongue now and doesn't object. 

Mandy Moore: Why I think the Hound joining the Kingsguard is great!

Littlefinger: Well said! By the way Mandy Moore, I think I dropped some Candy over there.

Everyone giggles. 

Varys: Watch your step, Mandy Moore. I wouldn't want you to Crush it. 

Mandy Moore: Huh? What? Where? I don't see it.

Littlefinger: Oh, never mind. I'm mistaken, Mandy Moore. It was In My Pocket the whole time.

People keep giggling.

Mandy Moore: I don't get it. Why is everybody laughing? Who are we laughing at?

Cersei: Oh, don't Cry, Mandy Moore. I know the confusion you must be feeling now is So Real, but Have a Little Faith in Me and everything will be fine.

Now the entire hall bursts into even lounder hooting and hollering. Joffrery cuts an arm on the Iron Throne, banging his fist against it as he can't control himself. 

Mandy Moore: I still don't get it. What? What is happening?

Littlefinger: Oh, I was just having a little jest with you, Mandy Moore. Can We Still Be Friends?

Mandy Moore: Sure, I can only hope. I mean why not?

Hound: HAHAHA, OH SHIT! Did you hear that? He said ONLY HOPE!

Now even Sansa starts laughing. She thought it was kind of mean, everyone picking on him. But now it's getting beyond crazy.

Cersei wipes the tears from her eyes and hushes the courtroom. 

Cersei: Okay, well that was fun. Do we have any more business for the day? Our new King is quite tired.

Sansa is torn. She really, really, REALLY wants to say something but she's afraid what might happen if she does. Still, as it looks like Cersei is about to end the whole thing, she finally and meekly speaks. 

Sansa: I would like to have a word with the court, your Grace.

She curtsies, politely. 

Joffrey: Oh, my beautiful betrothed Sansa, please come forward to me.

Sansa gets down in front of him and gets on her knees. 

Joffrey: What? In front of EVERYONE? Wow... it's good to be the king!  Watch these blades though.

Sansa: I BEG FOR THE LIFE OF MY FATHER! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T EXECUTE HIM!

Joffrey: Oh. Just that?

Cersei: Silly girl! Your father is a traitor. Are you a traitor too? Why would you want to protect him when you know he conspired against your dear Joffrey.

Varys: Ah, Sansa is but a young girl and does not understand what she is asking.

Joffrey: SHHH! Let my dear Sansa speak.

Sansa: Thank you, my Prince... ah... I mean, your Grace.  I do not deny my father's treason. I only beg of you to have mercy. He must have been TRICKED into committing treason by others like Renly. Plus his head wasn't right from all that milk of the poppy he was taking from his leg injury. We was talking crazy talk.

Joffrey: Well, how about this... if Lord Eddard confesses to his crime, then I know he has repented and I will grant mercy. Maybe sent to the Wall or some shit to take up the black.

Sansa: Oh yes, YES! Of course! My father will do so, I just know it! And I also know that you're the honorable type who will hold up your end of the promise! 

AGoT 56: Tyrion VII

Tyrion is leading about 300 mountain clans-people (aka West Virginians) on the road back towards the Inn at the Crossroads. 

Chella of the Black Ears: Me Chella see 20,000 men ahead. Way big!

Tyrion: Ah, well it must be my father's army. Sweet. We've finally arrived back to safety. Now time to go visit my dad. I better go alone though. I don't think he'd want me to show up with a bunch of clansmen. He's kind of bigoted.

Bronn: You'd think a bigoted person would get along fine with clansmen.

Tyrion: Hahaha, good one! But no... not that kind of clansmen.

Ulf: Me Ulf, Son of Umar no trust Halfman to go alone. He betray us!

Shagga: Yes, Shagga, Son of Dolf no trust Boyman either. We come with you.

Randy Savage: I don't trust this little Hornswoggle either. OOOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAH! 

Tyrion: Fine, fine. Whatever. One person from each clan can come with me. But the rest of you... try not to kill each other.

Chella: What? We no kill each other! We just have strong debates. We get together in council and discuss things. Then we come to agreement on all matters before making decision. It our form of government. We call, "democracy."

Tyrion: Sounds like a stupid, inefficient form of government that relies on the uninformed, gets nothing done, and produces transitive, horrible results. But who am I to judge? Anyway, let's go.

As they walk towards the Lannister forces, a captain recognized Tyrion. 

Captain: HEY! I know you!

Tyrion: Well, I'd hope so as you work for the Lannisters and I am a Lannister. And not only a normal Lannister... but an easily recognizable one since I'm a dwarf. So that's good.

Captain: Yeah, thanks. I am pretty good at my job! I'll escort you the rest of your way to your father. He's made his Headquarters the Inn at the Crossroads.

Tyrion: Really? The place where I got kidnapped! Hahaha, full circle!

They walk along and see lots of birds swooping around looking for carrion to eat. But Tyrion doesn't see dead bodies. What he does see are a bunch of burned and destroyed buildings. His dad has been absolutely wrecking the countryside. As they arrive at the inn, Tyrion sees the corpse of Masha Heddle, the innkeeper, hanging from a gallows.

Tyrion: Ho ho ho! That's what you get, bitch! You helped Lady Stark abduct me... a visitor in your own inn.

The guards let Tyrion into his father's room, where he finds Lord Tywin hanging out with his uncle (Tywin's brother), Kevan Lannister. 

Kevan: Whattup shorty? I never expected to see you again.

Tywin: I see the reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.

Tyrion: Good one! Mark Twain, right? Technically a misquote. Well, I'm glad you started a war for my sake. Pretty cool.

Tywin: Not by choice. We had to for the honor of the Lannister family. I can't believe you let yourself get kidnapped by a girl. You know Jaime would have never let that happen.

Tyrion: Yeah, Jaime's a lot taller too, in case you didn't notice that, fuckface. So how is the war going?

Tywin: Jaime has been tearing shit up. He's my favorite son, you know. He totally fucked up the armies of Lords Piper and Vance at the Golden Tooth, then he beat the Tully forces outside Riverrun and captured Lord Edmure. Lord Blackwood has fallen back in order to defend Riverrun, but I'm sure Jaime will capture it soon. The other river lords have run scared to protect their own lands. My army is picking them off one-by-one. Only the Freys and Mallisters are really left to oppose us, but that doesn't scare me. Do you know how likely it is Walder Frey will get off his old ass to come fight? NOT VERY!  The only threat is if the Starks or Arryns decide to join the fray.

Tyrion: I thought you just said Frey wasn't fighting?

Tywin: No, the FRAY. Not FREY.

Tyrion: I know, I know. I was just fucking with you, pops. Lighten up. Anyway... you definitely don't have to worry about the Arryns. I just came from Lady Lysa. No way is that mental bitch going to leave her little sky castle to join the war. She's too concerned about protecting her sickly son.  Oh, and I also heard that Ned Stark got arrested. Hahaha, crazy! I wonder how my sister was able to convince King Robert to do that. I'm going to guess anal.

Kevan: Uhh... King Robert is dead and Joffrey now reigns.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! When did this happen? Get kidnapped for a few weeks/months, and the world goes crazy! So I guess that means my sister is the TRUE ruler now, huh? No way is my dipshit nephew smart enough to run anything himself.

Tywin: Yeah, anyway son... great to see you're alive and have you back and all. And now that you're back I can put you in charge of a small force of men and send you to war. Hopefully you'll be smart enough to die this time.

Tyrion: WHAAAAAAA?

Tywin: Piper and Vance keep attacking Jamie's supply trains. Beric Dondarrion has also been attacking my army's forging activities. You and 20 men should go attack them.

Tyrion: Commanding such a small force? No, I must admit I had some help getting here. And I think I hear my help now...

The door to the room bursts open and Tyrion's Clansmen friends barge in. 

Kevan: Who the hell are these filthy savages?

Tyrion: Well that man there is Shagga. That one is Randy Savage. That one is... hey... look, I don't have time to tell you ALL of their name. But they are the various representatives from the warrior clans of the Vale. I found them on the way back. Can I keep them daddy? Can I keep them, please? I promise to feed them and walk them and make sure they don't poop in the house.

Randy Savage: TOO LATE, LITTLE BUDDY! THE MACHO MAN HAS ALREADY CRAPPED IN THE FOYER.

Tyrion: There are 3,000 more of them as well. And I've kind of already promised them weapons, armor, wagons, horses, silk, and Super Bowl tickets.

Tywin: Hrm, even a westerner such as myself has heard of the prowess and might of the Vale clans.

Shagga: This look like war council here. We clansmen sit on all war councils. It part of our system of government called democracy.  Who are you, strange bald man with mutton chops?

Tyrion: Ah, you haven't been properly introduced yet, have you? Clansmen... this is my father,  Tyrion Lannister. Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West, Head of House Lannister, Defender of the Faith, the Last of the Mohicans, the Bard of Avon, the King of Rock and Roll, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the---

Tywin: --Okay, enough of that shit, Tyrion.

A messenger then runs in.

Messenger: Lord Tywin, we just got news that Robb Stark's army has finally left Moat Cailin and is marching south towards us.

Tywin: Hahaha, oh sweet! At last that idiot is coming right towards us. Walking right into our trap. After he's easily defeated I can turn my attention to Stannis.  And it would be great to have these clansmen join us in the battles against the Starks! If you do, you'll have all that's promised and more!

Randy Savage: What MADNESS is this? This old man promises to us what is already owed! I challenge him to a fight at Survivor Series! And you know the MACHO MAN will win! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, OooOOooo YEEEEaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Tywin: My apologies, it was merely a saying. Of course you shall be given all that was already promised. What I meant to say is how my own men are afraid of the Starks. So it would be great to have forces who weren't afraid. You know. Hint, hint.

Timett: TIMETT AND THE BURNED MEN ARE SCARED OF NOTHING! I WILL FIGHT THEM.

All the other clan representatives also agree how not scared they are. 

Tyrion: Oh wow, dad. I see what you did there. That was manipulative and sneaky as hell.

Randy Savage: OOOOH YEEEEEAH! WE WILL JOIN YOUR ARMIES LANNISTER, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE THAT THIS HALFMAN HERE JOINS US IN BATTLE!

Tywin: Uhhhh... done.

Tyrion: Wait, what?

AGoT 55: Catelyn VIII

Cat Stark rides up to Moat Cailin, the ancient fortress of the First Men which guards the Neck. With her are Ser Brynden "Blackfish" Tully and the brothers Ser Wylis and Ser Wendel Manderly. When Cat reached White Harbor by ship, instead of continuing on to Winterfell she turned to try to meet up with her son's forces. The Manderly brothers are the sons of Lord Wyman Manderly - the Lord of White Harbor. Wylis and Wendel are fat. Like... SUPER fat. They would be the fattest people she had ever met if she hadn't met their father.  In fact, Lord Wyman is so fat--

Galbart Glover: --HOW FAT IS HE?

Thank you. Lord Wyman is so fat that the Wall was originally supposed to go through White Harbor, but they had to move it north to get around him. 

Robett Glover: Hahaha, good one!

Wylis: We're right here, damnit! Stop laughing at fat jokes about us, damn Glovers!

Wendel: Although I could go for an eel pie right now. 

Wylis: YES! Eel pies are so good!

Wendel: Although father always talks about one day making "the ultimate pie." I wonder what he's talking about though. He never explains further.

Blackfish: Uh, yes. Anyway... back to the actual plot of this chapter. Behold, Cat. Moat Cailin. This thing is an ancient deathtrap.

Cat: "Ancient Deathtrap." Band name? 

Blackfish: No.

Cat: Well, I think it's a pretty good--

Blackfish: --I said no.

Cat: ...

Blackfish: Anyway, I mean look at this place. It used to have twenty towers, but now all but three have collapsed. What good is defending the north in falling apart ruins like this?

Cat: My husband assures me that Moat Cailin is a most formidable fortress, despite how it might look. The remaining towers look over the only causeway across the bogs that lead north. To attack the towers would require wading through waist-high, lizard-lion infested muck and then climbing the towers while being attacked from the defenders of the other towers. Also there are ghosts who haunt this place, so there is that. Who could possibly win such an assault?

Blackfish: Uhh... Howland Reed or pretty much any of the crannogmen? Who just happen to be native to this very area.

Cat: Well, yeah. Duh. Of course the crannogmen. But Greywater Watch is sworn to House Stark which means they are on our side.

Blackfish: Good point. But who knows? Maybe Howland Reed is angry at the fact that HE STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP IN ANY BOOK DESPITE HOW IMPORTANT HIS CHARACTER IS. That could really set a man off and make him betray us. He probably has Lizard-Lions that obey him as pets. And how awesome do those sound? Lizards the size of lions? Why are they not in the TV show?

Roose Bolton: No, I don't think Reed would betray the Starks. I can't imagine any house betraying House Stark. Mwahahaha!

Cat: Okay, that's it!!!! Bolton... and you Glovers too... you're not even in this chapter yet since we're just showing up to the Moat now. You show up later in the chapter!

Roose, Galbart and Robett leave. 

Cat: Now where were we? Ah yes...

They walk up to the Gatehouse Tower and see the Stark bannermen. There, her son sits on a seat in the great hall, surrounded by all sorts of other men sworn to Winterfell. People like Halys Hornwood, Helman Tallhart, Jon Umber, Rickard Karstark, Theon Greyjoy, and... well... Roose Bolton and Galbart and Robett Glover. 

Bolton: You essentially just followed us like two steps behind.

Cat: Shut up, you.

Bolton: Rude. I'll remember that.

Grey Wind: *HOWL* (Translation: Hey look! It's mommy!)

Robb Stark: Shh doggo! What's your problem? What do you see over the-- OH SHIT, IT'S MOM! EVERYONE HIDE THE PORN!

Everyone hides the porn. The Lords then go up one by one to pay their respects to her. 

Theon: Holy crap, I didn't expect you to be here.

Cat: Yes, well, when we landed at White Harbor we heard about the army assembling so we came this way. Because I'm a terrible mother and apparently don't even care at all about the well being of my two most vulnerable children - a cripple and a baby - both back at Winterfell and largely undefended.

Theon: Hrm... Winterfell is largely undefended you say? Intereeeeeeeeesting.

Cat: Yes, I mean I sent away Rodrik Cassel to go up there and help out - but that's it. Anyway, he's gone now but here is Uncle Blackfish and some Manderlys too.

Robb: Hrm, good. I was worried that there was an Earthquake. Just Manderlys walking this way though.

Wendel Manderly: Ugh. We have to take this "fat" shit from that boy Lord too?

Bolton: So hey, what's this rumor I hear about you holding Tyrion Lannister as a prisoner? Because we could really use a hostage right now as a bargaining chip for these Lannister attacks.

Cat: Well I HAD the dwarf but lost him thanks to my moron sister.  But look, enough about all that. I'd like some alone time with my son.

Robb sends everyone away. Now they're alone. 

Cat: Ah, I missed you son. You look like you've grown so much older in the short time I've been gone.

Robb: It's probably just this sweet beard I grew.

Cat: You're still my child though! A boy of fifteen. You shouldn't be leading men to war! You were just sparring with a wooden sword less than a year ago.

Robb: Who else would have done it? I was the only one, mom.

Cat: You could have sent any of these men.

Robb: Yeah, but they wouldn't be STARKS. We roll hard! *fist bumps chest*

Cat: Ah, sometimes you remind me so much of your father.

Robb: What... you going to try to send me back home?

Cat: No, I couldn't do that... even though I might want to. If mommy came and sent her boy back home now, you'd never have respect when you're Lord of Winterfell one day.

Robb: Yeah... uhm... about that "one day" thing you just mentioned. It might be sooner rather than later. Did you hear about dad?

Cat: Yes. Word of the king's death and Ned's arrest made it to me. Quite tragic. But I hadn't heard about my girls.

Robb: Oh yeah, about that... I got a letter from a raven.

Cat: Holy shit... you know a bird that can write? That's amazing! We should take it on a travelling show.

Robb: No, no. The letter was carried via a raven but it was written by Sansa.

Cat: Ah, let me see.

Robb goes over to a cabinet and pulls out a crumbled parchment. Whatever was written must have made him very angry. He hands it to her and she looks it over. 

Robb: Two letters arrived at Winterfell, both in Sansa's hand and addressed to me and to you.

Cat cannot believe the shit that Sansa wrote. Bullshit about Ned being a traitor and Robb needing to come down and bend the knee. 

Cat: Sansa's hand wrote this, for sure. But these are the words of Cersei. Sansa is a hostage!

Robb: Yeah, and the letter doesn't say anything about Arya.  You know, I really wish you still had Tyrion so we could trade him for Arya.

Cat: And Sansa?

Robb: Huh?

Cat: Trade him for Arya AND Sansa, you mean of course. Right?

Robb: Oh yeah, riiiiight. Because she's not at all the worst. Anyway, without the dwarf I don't know what we'll do next. Please tell me that Aunt Lysa will help us out and have the forces of the Vale join our armies. I texted her, saw that it was seen, but got no reply back.

Cat: Nope. She's just going to hide there at the Eyrie with your stupid sickly cousin Robert.

Robb: Yeah, he sucks. At least he has a cool name.

Cat: Only one knight from the Vale is coming to help us. Fortunately it's the best one - Blackfish!

Robb: Also a cool name.

Cat: Don't worry about the men you don't have. Worry about the 18,000 men you do have. What is your strategy? What is your plan of attack?

Robb shrugs. 

Cat: Damnit! Stop being indecisive!

Robb: I don't know, mom! You just said it... I'm 15. I have no clue what I'm doing.

Cat: Well get a clue! Think about it. You know what happens if you go to Kings Landing and bend the knee. Cersei makes you a prisoner and we never see you again. You know what happens if you turn tail and go back to Winterfell. The lords here will never respect you. So you really only have one option - you fight and you win!

Robb: What happens if I fight and lose?

Cat: Remember the sack of Kings Landing? Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane and Amory Lorch scaled the walls of Maegor's Holdfast. Amory dragged the 3-year old Princess Rhaenys from under her father's bed and stabbed her to death. The Mountain then smashed the head of the baby Prince Aegon in front of his mother, Princess Elia Martell, and then raped and murdered her with Aegon's brains still on his hands. The same Mountain that is probably now riding through the Riverlands with the Lannisters and fighting his way towards us now.  That would be the gist of what happens if you lose.

Robb: Oh... I... see. So I guess I should try to win?

Cat: Ya think? So speaking of the Riverlands... how are things going there?

Robb: Jaime Lannister smashed the Tully forces at the Golden Tooth and is now advancing on Riverrun. Meanwhile, Lord Tywin's men came up from the south with an even larger army. That army ambushed the forces of Lord Beric Dondarrion that dad had sent from Kings Landing to bring the Mountain to justice. Raymun Darry and most of the men from Winterfell were killed. Lord Beric may have escaped, but nobody actually knows. There is a rumor that he's dead too. Now Tywin is marching north to Harrenhal.

Cat: Oh shit, that is like ten times worse than I would have guessed. So you're waiting for Tywin to march on Moat Cailin?

Robb: Nobody thinks Tywin is dumb enough to attack here. He's just going to take out the castles of the river lords one by one. And he'll do it too... unless we march south to meet him.

Cat: But this is a good defensive position! It would be suicide to march out to face two more experienced battle commanders.

Robb: Look mom, supplies are running low and we can't just sit here forever. And our men aren't seasoned soldiers - they're just fishermen and farmers. The longer we sit here doing nothing, the more likely they are just to turn and head home. We need to march!

Cat: Hrm, yes. I suppose. But where to march to?

Robb pulls out his giant Risk: Westeros board. 

Robb: Greatjon says to take the battle to Tywin. Others say we should march to your brother Edmure to assist the Tullys. I don't know which option is better.

Cat: Damnit son, what did I just say about being decisive? These men made you their commander... SO COMMAND!

Robb: Hrm... well... Greatjon thinks we can surprise Tywin. But I don't think Tywin could actually be that easily surprised. What I would do is split my forces. Have my infantry continue marching down the Kingsroad but have the horseys split off at the Green Fork and go to assist Riverrun.

Cat: You mean cavalry.

Robb: Huh?

Cat: Military forces on horseback. They are called "cavalry." They are not called "horseys."

Robb: No, no... I'm pretty sure they are called "horseys." Cavalry is that place where Jesus died.

Cat sighs and rubs her temples. 

Robb: Of course, this plan means that my forces are split on two sides of the river. And what man controls that river and its only crossing at the Green Fork? Walder Frey!

Cat: Ah yes, the "Late" Walder Frey. That 100 year old, untrustworthy bannerman to my father.  Although he is sworn to House Tully, he has a habit of not showing up to battle until he knows what side is going to win. My father never trusted him. Neither should you.

Robb: Nah, I'm sure he's a swell guy.

Cat: Son, overall you have an excellent plan though. I'm really impressed.

Robb: Thanks mom. I intend to lead the horsey force to Riverrun myself. And I'll give the Greatjon lead over the infantry heading towards Tywin.

Cat: Okay, see... I'm not trying to call you out or anything but Greatjon is a fearless man. But you don't want a fearless man to fight Tywin Lannister. Brave and fearless are different. You need someone to fight Tywin that is cunning.

Robb: Hrm... you mean like Roose Bolton? Yeah, that dude is SUPER creepy. If Tywin is even half as creeped out by him as I am... then that would be awesome.

Cat: Yes! See? It's not hard to decide things. Just stand up for yourself and make a decision and don't let anyone question it or push you around.

Robb: Good point. Now I'm sending you back to Winterfell.

Cat: NO! HOW DARE YOU! I'M GOING WITH YOU TO RIVERRUN!

She grabs his ear. 

Robb: OW! OW! STOP! OKAY MOM! OKAY!