ACoK 31: Catelyn III

Cat and her crew are the first to show up on a new field. It's new because this place used to be the woods. But the woods got all cut down by Stannis to build siege equipment for the upcoming battle. 

Wendel Manderly: Lady, there is no reason for us to stay here. Renly and Stannis mean to go to war, and we have no part of that.

Cat: Do you think I WANT to be here? No. My father is dying and I'd much rather be at Riverrun with him than here. But I promised my son that I would come here for the good of the realm. And so here I am.

Cat then does an extended flashback thinking about the history of Storm's End and shit. But you don't need to hear about that. 

Stannis and his forces are the next to arrive. Stannis rides up with some lady wearing red beside him. Cat does everything she can to try to not sing "Lady in Red" by Chris de Burgh to herself as she sees her. But she fails. 

Stannis: Oh FUCK. Cat Stark?! What the hell are you doing here? I didn't expect to see your ass. And also, my condolences about your husband dying and everything. Whatever. I didn't even like that a-hole.

Cat: WOW. And you wonder why no Lords actually want to follow you?

Stannis: What did that guy ever do for me?

Cat: Let's see, let's see... so recently he gave his life in order to defend YOUR RIGHT to be King rather than Joffrey. And if we flash back to, let's say, Robert's Rebellion... then you were also being sieged here at Storm's End and about to die. Then my husband rode up to break the siege and saved you.

Stannis: Yeah yeah yeah. So at the cost of his own life he provided the strongest evidence that I am the rightful king by blood to the Iron Throne and he also saved my life as well as the lives of all my men. BIG DEAL. I mean OTHER THAN THAT what has he ever done for me? 

Cat: *sigh*

Stannis: I mean, he got to be Hand of the King when I wanted to be but I'm a petty bitch that's jealous because my brother liked him more than he liked me. Whatever. Regardless of how I feel about him, I promise to avenge your husband's murder when I capture King's Landing. And I promise to deliver you your daughters back, dead or alive. Let's be honest here. Probably dead.

Cat: You're such a charmer, Stannis.

Stannis: So you never really answered why the hell you're here. Have you and your shitty kid Robb thrown in and allied with my dickhead brother, Renly? Because you know I'm the RIGHTFUL heir. I have come here to claim Renly's armies.  If you aren't with me then you're against me. etc. etc.

Cat: We haven't thrown in with anyone. I'm neutral. We only come to extend a hand in friendship to anyone who will listen and avoid senseless warring against one another.

Stannis: Wait... what was that word you said?

Cat: Which word?

Stannis: You said something in-between "hand" and "anyone who will listen."

Cat: Friendship?

Stannis: Yeah, that's it. What's that?

Cat: I'm confused. You don't know what "friendship" means?

Stannis: No.

Cat: Well, it's the emotions or conduct of friends, or the state of being friends.

Stannis: And what's a "friend?"

Cat: COME ON! You have to know what that means.

Stannis: No. I have no clue what friends are.

Cat: I'm not sure why that surprises me. It really shouldn't since nobody fucking likes you. OH WAIT! That Onion Guy. Whatshisname?

Stannis: Davos Seaworth?

Cat: Yes. Wouldn't you call him a "friend?"

Stannis: No, I'd call him my "subject."

Then Renly and his University of Hawaii Rainbow Warriors ride up. 

Renly: OH SHIT! Stannis!! You are looking old and rough, my man. And what the fuck is up with those banners that your army is waving? Those aren't the House Baratheon banners.

Melisandre: It is the fiery heart of the Lord of Light!!!

Renly: So I guess that "Stannis has joined a cult" thing is true, huh? Probably one of those crazy sex cults like Allison Mack from Smallville joined. Whatever. I guess it's a good thing you have a different banner. If we both had the same banner, this battle could get really confusing.

Cat: Please my Lords, I beg you not to battle one another. Our true enemy is he Lannisters.

Renly: Yeah, that's cool. I'd prefer not to fight too. And there is an easy way for that to happen. Stannis just needs to get down from his horse, walk over to me, and then bend his fucking knee.

Stannis: HELL NO! I'm the oldest. You will bend the knee to me, usurper!

Cat: Please you two, be reasonable.

Stannis: Reasonable? Speaking of usurpers, Lady Stark, I consider your son Robb to be one as well. I am the ONLY king. Once I'm done with Renly here, your shitty traitor son is next on my list.

Cat: You know, some will call YOU the usurper, given that Robert has two totally legitimate sons that come before you in the line - Joffrey and Tommen.

Everyone just laughs at that, including Cat. It is pretty hilarious.

Renly: Oh Cat, you have GOT to see the letter that Stannis sent to everyone about those kids being bastards of incest. It is hardcore. Totally self-serving on Stannis's part because it works to promote only his claim. But still, a hilarious read.

Cat: Why is this shit only coming out now? If Stannis knew about this already then why did my husband have to die CSI'ing this shit?

Stannis: I had already told the last Hand, Jon Arryn, about my knowledge. If I had told Robert myself then he would not have listened. But if he heard it from his trusted friend, Jon... well...  that would be different. But then Jon died. By no accident, I'm sure.

Cat: My sister Lysa, Jon's widow, also pointed the finger at the Lannisters for his murder.

Renly: Whatever. Who cares about these dead people and all these bullshit claims over who has the "right" to the throne?  The bottom line is who has the bigger army to TAKE the throne? And that person would be me.

Renly then reaches under his cloak, as if to draw out his sword. Stannis immediate reacts by starting to draw his own sword. But then we see that Renly doesn't pull out a sword at all. Instead, he has a peach in his hands. 

Renly: So you want a peach, Stannis? Man, I love eating peaches! If you know what I mean! Hahaha, because they look like vulvas and boy do I love eating those.

Cat: Okay, you're trying too hard, Renly. It's just not that effective a lie with those rainbow flags waving in the background.

Stannis: Get that peach out my face, moron. No I don't want that shit.

Renly: A man should never refuse a sweet, fresh peach. Soon we won't have any for quite some time. After all... WINTER IS COMING.

Cat: Stop that! You're not supposed to say that line. That's a Winterfell thing.

Renly: Now you refuse my peach, Stannis? Rude. After you also refused to even come to my wedding with Margaery.

Stannis: Come on, everyone knows that wedding was a farce. Less than a year ago you were plotting to marry that whore to Robert and now you take her yourself?

Renly: Farce? Hahaha, no! A year ago I planned to marry her to Robert because Robert was the king. Well now Robert is dead and I'm the king, so I married her.  And Margaery is no whore. In fact, she was a maiden when I first took her to the bed chamber.

Stannis: And she's gonna stay that way if she's married to you.

Melisandre: OOOOH! Burn!

Stannis: Get it? Get it? Because you're a homosexual and you're not even really interested in her.

Cat: Yeah, everyone got it, Stannis. No need to explain the joke.

Renly: Pfft, while we're talking about people who never have sex with women... look at yourself, Stannis.  You have ZERO male heirs. Only one girl with a stone face. Me and my queen are going to pop out a TON of boy heirs from all the hot sex I do with her. Which I will, by the way, be totally interested in because I love the peaches. As demonstrated by me eating this one. Obviously. Because I'm straight.  Anyway, I get it it Stannis. If I was married to that ugly wife of yours, I'd send my fool in to bed her too.

At that point, Stannis has had enough and pulls out his sword, [fake] Lightbringer. It glows oddly in the wind and everyone looks at it. 

Stannis: I would kill you now, Renly, if not for the sake of our dear dead mother and father. So, in deference to them, I will give you until dawn tomorrow to lay down your arms and bend the knee to me. I will forgive your treason and make you my heir until I have you a son and everything. Even put you on my war council. But you must bend the knee.  If you have not done so by dawn... it will be WAR!

Renly: HAHAHAHA, OH MAN! Behind me I am supported by the Houses Rowan, Tarly, Caron, Tarth, Penrose, Fossoway, Cuy, Mullendore, Estermont, Selmy, Hightower, Mahoney, Tackleberry, Sweetchuck, McGlunk, Conklin, Jones, Hooks, Callahan, Oakheart, Crane, Caswell, Blackbar, Morrigen, Beesbury, Shermer, Dunn, Footly and Florent. And do you realize how messed up that last House is? Florent? That's the House of your WIFE! Your own wife's House has sided with me.  There are only two Houses that have sided with you, Stannis.  And those are the Houses of JACK and SHIT.

Stannis: Shut up. A good third of those Houses are just names of Police Academy characters.

Cat: What did I JUST SAY about not explaining the jokes, Stannis?

And with that, Renly turns around and rides off. 

Lady Stark, being awful at the "I'm neutral in this" thing, rides off with Renly. How does riding off with one side make you appear to be neutral, exactly? Whatever.

Cat: Renly, I implore you not to go to war. Stannis has the right of it, you know. He is the heir by law if Joffrey is the child of Jaime Lannister.

Renly: Yeah, I guess he's the heir so long as he is alive. Which means that technicality won't be a problem after dawn tomorrow.  Because I GONNA KILL HIS AYASS!

Cat sighs and rides back with Renly. These two dickhead brothers just won't get their shit together. Which means that Robb is going to have to fight the Lannisters alone. 

When they get back to Renly's main army, his advisors give council. 

Lord Rowan: Our castle has great provisions and we could hold in a siege for a long time. I say we stay in the castle and let Stannis attack and exhaust his resources.

Renly: And not face him in a head-to-head battle? Then the people will say I am scared of him. No! We fight on the field... tomorrow at dawn!

Renly then goes naming which Lords will command which parts of their army. The overall leader is, of course, given to the Knight of Flowers. 

Renly: *winks*

Loras Tyrell: *winks back*

Cat: Okay, enough of this shit. I'm leaving. I saw a sept back in that village and I need to pray for all of your dumb asses.  I think you need to pray too.

Renly: Oh yes, I will pray. But I'll need some help doing so. Loras, come back to my private chambers and help me... uhm... pray.  Lady Cat, I will send one of my Rainbow Guard, Ser Robar Royce, to escort you to the village. I want him to bring you back tomorrow so that you can watch me win this awesome battle and report back to Robb how sweet my army is.

Cat rolls her eyes and ventures to the nearby village with Ser Robar escorting her.

Cat: Do I know you? You look sort of familiar.

Robar: Well, my dad is Yohn Royce, bannerman to House Arryn.

Cat: Oh yeah, right. Don't you have a brother or something?

Robar: Yeah, an older brother, Andar. He appeared in the last book at the Hand's Tournament with me but will never be mentioned or seen again. Of course, I also have a younger brother, Waymar. He was sent up to the Wall. But nobody has seen him in a while. My dad keeps asking, "Where is Waymar? What happened to Waymar?"

Cat: Oh right. The prologue guy.

Robar: Huh?

Cat: Never mind. 

ACoK 30: Arya VII

Arya, being inquisitive as she is, wonders what King Harren originally named the five towers of Harrenhal. Now they are known by their post-Dragon burning names: the Tower of Dread, the Widow's Tower, the Wailing Tower, the Tower of Ghosts, and the Kingspyre Tower. Together the five towers can also form Voltron: The Defender of the Universe. 

Arya now sleeps and works in the vaults beneath the Wailing Tower. Not to be confused with a "Whaling" Tower, as it would be hard to extract oils from Cetacea from a stationary, land-bound tower. 

Life still sucks for Arya, but things are moderately better than before. She can regularly eat food and bathe now. She occasionally sees Gendry working in the forge and Hot Pie in the kitchens. And although she still fears for her life it's not as bad as when The Mountain was having people executed every day for no reason. 

Arya mainly sweeps the floors, runs errands, sends messages, delivers water and food to Lannisters men, and sometimes does some table bussing. Her boss is Weese, who is a giant piece of shit.

Arya: I'm adding him to my list of names of people to die. Fuck this dude.

Arya doesn't bother to learn the names of her co-workers. Not because she's anti-social, but because people here tend to die, and she prefers not to get to know people's names if they're just going to die soon anyway.  A lot of these morons are scared of the "Ghost of Harrenhal." But Arya isn't scared of ghosts. She's scared of these very much alive asshole Lannister men.

Sometimes she feels like revealing who she is to see if that will get her out of this situation. But she figured Weese wouldn't believe her, and would just beat the shit out of her for making up a story. So she doesn't do anything. 

Arya's only source of entertainment, since TV hasn't been invented yet, is vicariously listening to stories being told by all these Lannister men. They talk and talk and talk, and act like "the help" isn't even there, listening. Like they're nobodies that are too stupid to hear. 

Solider: Oh, do you know about this girl here named Pia? She is sleeping with EVERYONE. All you have to do is take a number.

Other Solider: That's nothing! Have you hear about the wife of the jailer? She's pregnant... and not by him!

Third Solider: Did you hear Lord Lefford keeps a candle by his bed at night because he's scared of ghosts? Hahha! What a punk!

Soldier: That's nothing! I hear the cooks spit on certain people's food. Want me to tell you which ones?

Other Solider: Who cares about spitting in food? I heard a rumor that Joffrey Baratheon is a bastard. Lord Tywin ordered the message about it to be burned.

Weese: I hear those Baratheon brothers Stannis and Renly are claiming the throne. Crazy, right?

Third Soldier: That's old news. I hear that Beric Dondarian is finally dead. Killed by the Bloody Mummers.

Solider: That's such bullshit. Everyone claims they killed Beric. Amorch Lorch said he killed him too.

Other Solider: Yeah, and The Mountain claims he killed him already... TWICE!

Arya: What the fuck is this shit? Gossip Girls: Westeros?

Two weeks later, the aforementioned "Bloody Mummers" arrive in town riding their strange black-and-white horses. They are a rag-tag group of sellswords carrying a flag with a black goat on it. They look like they have seen some shit... and killed tons of people along the way. 

Vargo Hoat: Greetings, I am Vargo Hoat, leader of the "Brave Companions."

Solider: What the fuck is that you're riding?

Vargo: A zorse.

Other Solider: SHUT UP! Just call it a fucking "Zebra."

Third Soldier: Why do you have a goat on your flag?

Vargo: G.O.A.T. Greatest Of All Time. YEAH!

Soldier: Really? That's what the goat stands for?

Vargo: Nah man, we're from the Free City of Qohor, in Essos.  Our god is a black goat. That's all.

Immediately these "Brave Companion" guys start getting into fights with the other soldiers. Probably over petty arguments like, "Who the hell worships a goat?" Lord Tywin has to hang a bunch of people just to calm everyone the fuck down by letting them know "Hey, if you get into another fight I will hang you."

It's a pretty effective strategy. 

The Brave Companions don't stay long. Soon they leave to go out to battle again, but not before dropping some more gossip that Arya can overhear. 

Vargo Hoat: Hey man, we're heading out to go fight Roose Bolton by the Ruby Ford. Peace, bitches!

Next Arya hears rumors about captives from the Battle of the Green Fork. She tries to meet some of them, thinking that maybe these Stark-allied men can help her escape. One of them is a goddamn fat Manderly son. So he doesn't care about escaping. He just cares about whether or not the kitchen has eel pies to eat. It doesn't, but he eats everything else anyway. 

The next group to arrive in town is led by Ser Amory Lorch, the same dick who burned down the village they were in and had Yoren killed. But who she sees with Amory is what REALLY pisses her off.

Arya: OH SHIT! It's Jaqen H'ghar, Rorge and Biter. I freed them from that caged cart when the barn was on fire. And what do they do? They JOIN team Lannister? FUCK THAT! I hate them. I should have never saved their lives. Just like Gendry said. I'm going to strongly consider adding their names to my list.

Arya thinks she's all slick and shit. She thinks Jaqen H'ghar didn't even notice her when she walked by.  

She goes to bed that night and is awoken by a man holding her mouth down. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A boy had become a girl. A man is very confused by this. Is this some Katelyn Jenner shit?

Arya: No, I was always a girl. Just pretending to be a boy.

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl has saved three lives. Therefore three lives is owed.

Arya: Wait... what? Can you speak in a less cryptic and poetic voice and just describe the situation to me in plain English?

Jaqen H'ghar: You saved me, Rorge and Biter from dying. The Red God was expecting three lives. According to my particular religious beliefs, because you saved our three lives... I am now bound in service to kill three people of your choice in return.

Arya: Oh damn, that is a SWEET religion. Oh man. SO MANY NAMES! SO MANY NAMES!  Weese, Dunsen, Chiswyck, Polliver, Raff the Sweetling, the Tickler, the Hound, Ser Gregor, Ser Amory Lorch, Ser Ilyn, Ser Meryn, and King Joffrey and Queen Cersei. How do I even choose?

Jaqen H'ghar: I'll give you some time to sleep on it.

And so he leaves.

Arya takes some time to consider who she wants to kill. The next morning she yawns and Weese beats the shit out of her for it. So Weese is a pretty strong contender on the list. She thinks about running to Jaqen to give him the name ASAP. But then again... can she really trust this guy? He is with the Lannisters now, after all. Is this some sort of trick? 

Weese sends her to go up and see if some Lannister men need their clothes mended. She walks into the room and hears a bunch of them talking. She decides not to interrupt them because she might get beat for interrupting them. Or for NOT interrupting them. This is a lose-lose situation, really.

Chiswyck: Hey, so check this out. I got to tell you all this awesome story. We went to this alehouse, right. And there was this cute serving girl. So we all started sexually assaulting her and she ran away. Then we went to the kitchen to go grab her. Then all of us started repeatedly raping her. Over and over. Her brother ran out to protect her, and so Raff just stabbed him in the heart with a knife and he died. Then The Mountain was like, "this isn't rape, we're just having sex with a whore." And he threw the girl's father a silver coin as payment. But then check this out... after we all repeatedly raped that girl, the Mountain asked for some change back because he said that the girl wasn't even worth a single silver. HAHAHAHA! Isn't that the best story ever? So hilarious! What a great tale! I tell it everywhere I go. It's all true and represents the type of human being I am. The type who lives to be involved in gang-rape while forcing the girl's father to watch as that happen and as while we murder his son.

Arya: Oh, this is one sick fuck.

Arya walks away without even asking is anyone needed their clothes mended. 

Weese: Did you ask?

Arya: Nah.

Weese beats the shit out of Arya. She doesn't care though. Two days later, she runs into Jaqen H'ghar in some big hall where she's filling everyone's wine cups. As she walks to to Jaquen to fill his cup, she whispers in his ear...

Arya: Chiswyck.

A few pass and nothing happens. She thinks maybe Jaquen is full of shit. BUT THEN... she hears some more gossip.

Solider: Did you hear, man? Fucking Chiswyck just randomly fell off a walkway and died!

Other Solider: Oh MAN! That's messed up. I wonder if it was the Ghost of Harrenhal.

Arya: HAHAHA... I, ARYA STARK, AM THE GHOST OF HARRENHAL, MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!

ACoK 29: Tyrion VII

It's, like, the middle of the damn night and there is a knock on Tyrion's door. 

Tyrion: What the hell? I was watching Red Shoe Diaries!

Podrick Payne: What? Really? That still comes on?

Tyrion: Nah man, I have the VHS cassette tapes. I just can't get enough of David Duchovny walking in slow motion on train tracks with his dog.

Pod: Okay, now you're just fucking with me.  Lancel Lannister is here to see you.

Tyrion: Hahaha! Probably sent by Cersei. Like fucking LANCEL could intimidate me. I bet she thinks that him coming in the middle of the night will catch me off guard. But it won't since I'm usually up at this time anyway doing work because I'm a boss Hand of the King like that.  Anyway, I'll mess up my hair to make it look like I just woke up anyway. Play along with her little ruse.

Pod: Whatever.

Pod lets Lancel in and excuses himself.

Lancel: The Queen DEMANDS that you release Pycelle from the dungeons!

Tyrion: Oh, is she feeling better? Glad to hear that happened before the plumbing of the Red Keep burst and flooded the dungeons. If Pycelle had died down there, it would have been from Cersei's own feces mudslide.

Lancel: Gross.

Tyrion: Here, have some mulled wine. It will help you sleep, since you're up at this late hour.

Lancel: NO! I came here to intimidate you like the big, strong boy I am! Not to drink with you!

Tyrion starts laughing at how pathetic Lancel is at being tough. 

Lancel: And the queen also demands that Jacelyn Bywater be fired for defying one of her orders!

Tyrion: Oh, so I guess that means she ordered HIM to release Pycelle first and he said no? So only now she's bold enough to come after me? This is such weak sauce. You two are such punk-ass bamas.

Lancel: What? Bama?

Tyrion: Don't worry about it. Go to Urban Dictionary if it concerns you that much.

Lancel starts to reach for his sword.

Tyrion: If you so much as touch that fucking play sword you have there, I will have Macho Man Randy Savage come in here and give you a gutwrench suplex right out of the window. It will be just like what King Longshanks did to his son's lover, Philip, in Braveheart.

Lancel: That film is not historically accurate. The character of Philip is most likely based on Sir Phillip de Mowbray, who was killed in a battle in 1318 -- well after the death of Longshanks himself. And there is zero evidence that he had any sort of sexual relationship with Edward II. Although whether or not Edward II was bisexual is certainly still up for historic debate. And that's just the beginning of the historical inaccuracies. Take the Battle of Stirling Bridge, for instance. There wasn't even a bridge in the film. And William Wallace sleeping with Edward II's wife, Princess Isabella of France? First of all, she wasn't even married to Edward II until after Wallace's death. And even if you ignored that, she was born in 1295. The scene where she has sex with Wallace in the movie isn't given a particular date, but it obviously occurs sometime between the Battle of Falkirk (1298) and his capture and execution in 1305. That means Wallace would be having sex with, at max, a nine year old. And Isabella and her maids speaking in French to each other to be secretive and hide their plots from the English? That wouldn't have worked at all. King Edward was a Plantagenet, meaning he came from the royal house which originated from the lands of Anjou, France. Pretty much all English nobility spoke French. Not as a second language - but as their FIRST language. Common use of  English by nobility and the ruling government didn't really occur until August 1417 when Henry V issued an edict promoting the English language. That was in the middle of the Hundred Years War of England against France too, so it probably only occurred as a bit of an anti-Franco sentiment. Like how after France didn't support the US Invasion of Iraq in 2003, some morons started calling french fries "Freedom Fries."

Tyrion: Cool, cool. So when you fuck Cersei... does she let you do a cream pie or do you just pop your load on her stomach?

Lancel turns red and says nothing. 

Tyrion: I wonder what KING Joffrey will say if I tell him that you're banging out his mom.

Lancel: I... I... I only did as I was ordered! Lord Tywin commanded be to obey all of Cersei's commands when I became King Robert's squire!

Tyrion: What? Did my father order you to fuck my sister? Your own cousin?

Lancel: No! I mean... not directly... but... PLEASE! PLEASE DON'T TELL JOFFREY! THAT DUDE IS A SICK FUCK! HE WILL MURDER ME!

Tyrion: But I am duty bound, by my honor, to inform the King of this. You know, unless we can make some sort of deal. Like you becoming my spy and telling me what Cersei is up to.

Lancel: ANYTHING! ANYTHING!

Tyrion: Oh man, this was almost too easy. So here is what I will do. I will release Pycelle to the Queen's custody. That way Cersei can THINK you came in here and intimidated me. That dumb bitch won't suspect a thing. But we'll know the truth. And you'll tell me all the shit she tells you. If not... well... the Joffrey thing.

Lancel: Of course! So sorry! So sorry!  Also, to answer your earlier question... I pop my load on her stomach.

And then Lancel runs away. 

Tyrion: Jesus, it's a good thing that my uncle Kevan Lannister has other sons because Cersei is going to kill that moron as soon as she figures out that he's become my spy.  And even if Cersei doesn't kill him... what happens when Jaime comes back? If Jamie finds out that Lancel has been doing Cersei... then HE'D kill him. Needless to say, this dumbass is doomed.

And with that done, it's now the middle of the night but Tyrion is restless. 

Tyrion: PODRICK! Get your ass back in here!

Pod: Yes, m'lord.

Tyrion: Summon Bronn and get my horses ready. It's time for a late night booty call to Chataya's brothel.

And so the same-ol, same-ol happens. Just like last time; you get the drill. They head out to Chataya's brothel and Tyrion pretends that he's going to see Chataya's daughter, Alayaya. But really he exits through a secret passage and goes to a DIFFERENT brothel to see Shae.

ACoK 28: Bran IV

Meera Reed is dumb enough to try to take on Bran's direwolf, Summer, in the Winterfell godswood. She is armed with this awesome frog-hunting trident thing with a net. Summer is armed with the fact that he's a giant wolf with fangs and claws.

Yet somehow, Meera is able to catch Summer in the net and win the fight.

Summer: *woof* [Translation: What the hell? When I get out of here, I am going to eat this bitch!]

Jojen: Whooaaa, man! That was some choice fighting there, Meera. But fighting is never the answer. We should all just get along and become one. Man. Woman. Direwolf. All the animals. All the flowers. Together.

Bran: Come here, Summer! Come!

Summer breaks free and goes over to Bran, instead of killing Meera. He's a good boy.

Bran: Wow that was cool, Meera. I can't believe you did that! You two are super awesome. Much better than those Frey kids. I wish you two were living with me rather than these shitty Freys. Did your master at arms teach you how to fight?

Meera: No. Our father did. We don't have any master at arms, nor knights, nor ravens. We just live the swamp life at mobile Greywater Watch.

Bran: It sounds awesome. When the war is over, I want to come down and hang out with you.

Jojen: Haha, because you, like, totally think that my sister is a foxy mama. I get it, man.

Bran: WHAT?! Uhh... no I don't!

Jojen: It's cool, man. It's cool. Peace and love. Let's just smoke some grass and become one with our animals.

Bran: No. I swear! It's just... I really want to leave Winterfell. This place sucks. Just let me give you a quick flashback about something that happened to prove my point...

Earlier... Bran finds himself with Ser Rodrick.

Rodrick: Oh shit, Bran! I got to give you the latest gossip on this Lady Hornwood shit!

Bran: Whaaaaat? Nobody cares about Lady Hornwood. Those chapters about Lady Hornwood's dating situation were so boring.

Rodrick: Nah, this is some cool shit here. Remember when we talked about that bastard son of Lord Bolton, Ramsay? Well... this dude just KIDNAPPED Lady Hornwood and claimed her as his wife. He said the lands were now his.  And then Wyman Manderly marched his men to Hornwood Castle to lay claim to it instead. It's like there is this total civil war here in the north while Robb is down south, fighting.

Bran: WOW! That is crazy. This is a pretty precarious situation up here then, huh?

Rodrick: I know. Would be a shame if someone realised how vulnerable we were up here and attacked us, wouldn't it?

Bran: See the shit I gotta put up with as Lord of Winterfell? I just want to run away.

Meera: I hate to break this to you, but you can't run anywhere. You're crippled.

Bran: I meant metaphorically, you bitch.

Jojen: WHOA! Heavy, man! Heavy. Let's all be as one. I'll pass this joint around and we can all have the greensight.

Bran: What the hell is this greensight shit that Jojen keeps talking about?

Meera: Oh, when he gets high he can see things that have happened. And sometimes... he sees things that haven't happened yet. And then later they do!

Bran: Really?

Jojen: Yes, it's true, man. One day I saw a vision of Mama Cass choking on a ham sandwich. Then, like, a month later... it happened!

Bran: No it didn't.

Meera: What?

Bran: Common urban myth. Cass Elliot died in her sleep. A coroner did an autopsy and determined the cause of death was "fatty myocardial degeneration due to obesity." There was no ham sandwich.

Jojen: Whoah. Maybe I just made up that rumor then. Maybe that urban myth is my fault!

Meera: Are you sure, Bran? Because I was pretty sure that ham sandwich thing was real.

Bran: Yeah, I'm sure. She died at 9 Curzon Square. It's the same place where Keith Moon died four years later.

Meera: WHAT?! Curzon Square?! HOLY SHIT! I stayed at the London Hilton on Park Lane a few years ago. That was just around the corner. I wish I had known that then! I good have done some sightseeing!

Jojen: We don't need to fly to London to see it, Meera. Let's all smoke a doobie and we can float there in our minds and greensee it... without paying those corporate pigs who run the airlines and hotels all that moolah.

Bran: Hey Meera, that's not all you missed when you were in Mayfair, London! You could have also checked out the places where Disraeli, Florence Nightingale, and P.G. Wodehouse lived. Not to mention, you could have gone to the Pine Bar at the Millennium Hotel Mayfair. That's where Alexander Litvinenko was poisoned with Polonium-210 back in 2006!

Meera: WOW! Mayfair sounds like it's great! And with Oxford Street being the northern border of Mayfair and with Soho directly to the east, you know that great shopping and dining is just moments away!

Jojen: WHOA, MAN! STOP THIS CORPORATE ADVERTISEMENT! This feels groady, man.

Bran: Anyway, that greensight shit sounds cool, Jojen. What else do you see in your dreams?

Jojen: Oh, I'll tell you all about my dreams, Brando. But only after you tell me about yours!

Bran: What?! What dreams!? I don't have any crazy dreams. Especially not about turning into animals and stuff.

Jojen: Haha, I knew it! Those aren't dreams, man! It's the greensight. And you don't even need to smoke to have it. It's like your body is naturally high, man. That's so groovy!

Bran: What?

Jojen: I know you! I see you in my dreams, daddy-o! You're the winged wolf, man. But the winged wolf is held down by chains. The chains of "the man." But that's okay, man. Because you're friends with the crow that pecks at those chains. And the crow can set you free, buddy.

Bran: That is some REAL hippy shit there, Jojen. I don't kno---Wait... did you just say... crow?

Jojen: Yeah, man.

Bran: How many eyes does this crow have?

Jojen: Three eyes, daddy-o! Everybody knows that.

Bran: HOLY SHIT! YOU KNOW ABOUT THE THREE-EYED CROW TOO?!

Jojen: Right on, buddy. Everybody who tokes the Mary Jane knows about the Three-Eyed Crow. That hep cat is always trying to bum some corn off everyone he meets.

Bran: Yeah. He does talk about corn a lot. I gotta meet this crow from my dreams!

Jojen: Cool, man. Cool. But if you want to do that then you can't come to Greywater Watch. You have to go north. That's where the crow lives. Beyond the wall. And when the crow opens his third eye... he can see the whole world, man. Just like you can see stuff. Like that night of the Harvest Festival. I knew you were inside of Summer, and I don't mean in a way where you'll get arrested by the pigs for animal abuse. I mean in a way where you and Summer became one. Just like I was one with all my buddies at Woodstock. I even felt you fall in your dream, Bran.

Bran: I'm getting a little uncomfortable with your ability to see my dreams, Jojen. Can we talk about something else?

Jojen: Do you always fall, man? Every time you dream?

Bran: I SAID I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, JOJEN!!!

Bran starts to get angry. And then the direwolves start to get angry. Shaggydog and Summer start to circle Meera and Jojen.

Meera: HOLY SHIT, JOJEN! Stop! Can't you see? Bran is warging into those dogs! His anger is making them angry. They're all connected. He's going to kill us! We need to climb up these trees and escape!

Jojen: No way, Meera. Today is not the day I die, man!

Meera: Again, stop saying that. That's another character's line.

Bran: Whoa, man. Sorry.

Bran starts to calm down. Does his anger really make the direwolves angry? Can he really warg into Summer? Are his dreams real? Is the three-eyed crow real?

Bran: This is so embarrassing. You know what, I'm just going to call Hodor and have him take me away.

And so he does.

Later, Bran finds himself with Maester Luwin.

Bran: Dude, I was totally with Meera and Jojen and they said I had the greensight.

Luwin: Ah, greensight. An old story. They say the Children of the Forest could see the world through the eyes of the weirwood trees. Which is why the First Men cut them all down in the south. They say that the greenseers could control animals and fish and shit.

Bran: It's real, Luwin! Jojen is one. He can see things. Sometimes things in the future and then they come true. Just like when me and Rickon had that dream the same night that dad died. And then it wound up that it was true.

Luwin: *sigh* You know, Bran. There are many mysteries in this world. Do you see my chain? Every link on a Maester's chain represents mastery of a different area of knowledge. The black iron represents knowledge about ravens, gold represents math and economics, brass represents elite breakdancing skills, platinum represents winning every rap battle you've ever participated in.  Very few Maesters have ever earned that link, including myself and Maester P of the No Limit Soldiers. But even rarer still these days are those Maesters who earn the link of Valyrian Steel. That represents magic and the higher mysteries of the world. So I'm sort of an expert in things like greensight. But I can tell you this, Bran... the days of magic are gone. There are no more dragons or giants or Children of the Forest. Neither you nor Jojen Reed are greenseers. If you dreamt of something that happened then it was merely a coincidence.

Later that night, Meera comes to Bran's bedroom.

Bran: Sweet! YESSS!!!

To talk.

Bran: Oh. BOOOOOO!!!

Meera: Why the hell was your direwolf trying to kill me and Jojen earlier? Not cool.

Bran: Sorry. Jojen shouldn't have made me angry by asking me all those questions about my dreams. Summer could tell that I was angry and so he got angry at Jojen. But you're both wrong. Maester Luwin said that we're not greenseers. And he's an expert and has a chain about that kind of shit.

Meera: Did you ever consider that your Maester could be wrong?

Bran: Nope.

Meera: Then let me leave you with this cryptic message then... I bring you another dream from Jojen. You will dine and have the best cut of meat. And the Freys will have a shitty cut of meat. And yet the Freys will enjoy your meal more than you yours.

Bran: Really? That's your cryptic dream? Is that supposed to be some sort of crazy riddle or something? It sounds really lame. Plus I was planning on ordering pizza anyway.

ACoK 27: Daenerys II

Dany and her entourage arrive in Qarth and the whole city seems to be throwing a big party for her arrival.

Dany: Holy crap, look at this place. It’s amazing. It has all these city walls. They’re huge. The first wall is carved with all sorts of animals, like these zorses.

Jorah: What the fuck is a zorse?

Dany: Oh, it’s like a horse but with stripes on it.

Jorah: You mean a zebra?

Dany: Yes.

Jorah: Why don’t we just call them “zebras” then? Why “zorses?”

Dany: I dunno. Anyway, the second wall is of a war scene. But the last city wall is a giant, 50-foot-tall, black marble orgy scene. I’m not kidding. An entire 50-foot wall wrapped around a city is filled with the craziest sex shit you could imagine. Angry Dolphins. Cleveland Steamers. Alabama Hot Pockets. Kennebunkport Surprises. It’s those Pompeii frescos times a million. Imagine if the Great Wall of China was just covered completely in a fuckfest.

All the people of Qarth watch as Dany and her crew pass through. They are especially interested in Dany’s dragons, of course.

Jorah: Oh wow. All he ladies here wear outfits with one breast hanging out. This is incredible! You know what, I think I’m just going to move here. I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d rather be than here. Never mind that lame “going back to Westeros” crap.

XXD then rides up to Dany on a camel. That's right, we're calling him that like he's fucking J-Lo and deserves a nickname.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: HELLO! Welcome to Qarth, Dany. Anything in this city… just ask for it and it is yours!

Dany: What if I ask for your liver? Would you cut out your liver and give it to me if I wanted it?

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: What!? No. I mean it was mainly a metaphor. You can’t have ANYTHING in this city. But, you know, there are a lot of things you can have.

Dany: Like what? Be specific.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Hrm, maybe I can start making a list of--

Pyat Pree: --Do not listen to this fool.  You have no use for the baubles and trinkets that XXD offers you. For he promises to give you things in the city. Yet I, Pyat Pree, offer you THE CITY ITSELF!

Dany: Again, that seems vague and metaphoric, as opposed to an actual offer. Also, how is that any different than what XXD just offered? He offered me anything in the city, which could also be interpreted as everything in the city. If he offered me EVERY SINGLE THING IN THE CITY, then that’s the same as offering me the CITY ITSELF, which is exactly what you just offered.

Pyat Pree: Well, uh, I mean, I… uhh… I mean you should come visit my House of the Undying and drink my Wisdom of Truth and… errmm…

Dany: --Gross. That sounds like the worst pickup line of all time.  Look, all I really want from you people is swords and boats and stuff. So I can go to Kings Landing and take my throne.

Jorah: WHAT?! Kings Landing? No way! This is titty city, Dany! I wanna stay.

Pyat Pree: It will be as you command, Dany. You shall have those things.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don’t trust him, Dany! He’s a Warlock. You know you can’t trust Warlocks. A Warlock is just a male Witch. And do you not remember that you JUST GOT TRICKED by a Witch… like… what?... four of your POV chapters ago?

Jorah: Ha! The crow calls the raven black!

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: DUDE, THAT’S RACIST!

Jorah: Huh?

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: On Game of Thones I’m played by Nonso Anozie, an English actor of Nigerian descent. So that whole “black” thing…

Jorah: Oh no. Sorry. I wasn’t referring to that. It’s just I mean YOU’RE calling Pyat Pree untrustworthy when you are clearly untrustworthy yourself. It’s just an expression. It's the Westeros version of "the pot calling the kettle black." There was no racial undertone to it.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Really? You want me to believe there was NO racial undertone to that statement at all? By you? You the guy who USED TO SELL SLAVES?

Jorah: I mean the books never specify the race of the people I was selling into slavery. Just that they were poachers and that I did it in the Seven Kingdoms, where it was illegal.  Pretty much everyone in the Seven Kingdoms is white. So, I'm pretty sure I was enslaving white people. 

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Uh huh. Suuuuuure.

Dany: Hrm. I wonder who I should trust. I mean XXD just let me stay in his palace and it’s HUGE. And Pyat Pree just offered me swords and ships to go back to Westeros.

Quaithe: IT IS I! Quaithe the Shadowbinder! I hide my face behind this hockey mask! These people are only interested in your dragons! TRUST NO ONE!

Dany: I’m confused, does that statement include you too?

But before Quaithe the Shadowbinder can answer, she throws a smoke bomb and vanishes.

Dany: Creepy.

Jorah: I don’t trust any of the three. She is right though. Everybody just wants that D.

Dany: Huh?

Jorah: D for dragons.

Dany: Ah. I see. Well, we need to make sure to protect them.

Aggo: It shall be done, Khaleesi. There shall be a guard on them all night and day.

Rakharo: Yes, and Rakharo shall explore the city and scout it out. These three have shown you parts of the city they want you to see, but Rakharo will explore the seedy underbelly of what they DON’T want you to see!

Dany: Wait… so that giant sex wall wasn’t the seedy underbelly?

Jorah: And I will go to the docks to see if any ships bring news from the Seven Kingdoms!

Dany: Suuuure. Surrrre. “Going to the docks.” We all know what you really mean. Docks = sailors. Sailors = lots of brothels.  Lots of brothers = you’re going to ask for a blonde, teenage spinner that looks like me.

Jorah: No comment.

Jhogo: And I, Jhogo, will guard you, Khaleesi, while the others are out doing all those other things.

And so the others depart to perform their various tasks and GRRM has YET ANOTHER scene where Dany’s handmaidens strip her down and bathe her. This is probably the 14th time now in the books that this underage girl is having an explicit, sensual bathing scene. It’s pretty gross.

As she gets the wash down, Dany thinks about the Seven Kingdoms. Viserys said it was the most beautiful place on earth. But here in Quarth it is pretty beautiful. Could the Red Keep of Kings Landing possibly be EVEN MORE beautiful than this?

No, is the answer.

Dany: How will I defeat that usurper, King Robert? Will the realm really rise for me as their rightful ruler? Oh well. I guess these are all questions to be answered soon. After all, the red comet led me here for a reason.

Irri: [comet jokes]

Jhiqui: [comet jokes]

Doreah: *still dead*

Dany: [Expresses anger that these red comet jokes are still happening]. 

Later that night, Jorah returns with a new friend.

Dany: So is your new friend some hooker that looks like me?

Jorah: No, this is Quhuru Mo, of the Cinnamon Wind.

Dany: So I assume “Cinnamon Wind” is the name of the brothel you were in?

Jorah: No, it’s a ship. And he’s the Captain of it. He sails all around the world, including to the Seven Kingdoms. Go on, Quhuru. Tell her what you told me!

Quhuru Mo: Yes, my ship pulled into Oldtown, Dorne and Lys. Everywhere it was the same story. King Robert Baratheon is dead. Some say he was betrayed and killed by his Queen, others say by Eddard Stark, and others still say that it was one of his brothers. The boy king, Joffrey, now sits on the throne.

Dany: HOLY CRAP!  This is awesome. DING DONG, THE USURPER IS DEAD! AM I RIGHT? I wonder which of the stories is true.

Jorah: Well, definitely not the one about Stark. Stark would never betray anyone, that sanctimonious douche.

Dany: Yes, yes, Jorah. We all know you carry a grudge against Eddard Stark because you feel he unfairly TRIED TO ARREST YOU FOR SLAVERY.

Jorah: *sigh* Why does everyone ALWAYS have to bring that up?

Dany: I thank you for this excellent gift, Quhuru Mo. The gift of KNOWLEDGE!  I wish I could repay you for it.

Quhuru Mo: How about a blowjob?

Dany: WHAT?!

Quhuru Mo: NOTHING. I said… uhhh… just being able to see your dragons is gift enough for me!

Dany: Well, one day when I’m ruling Kings Landing, please feel free to drop in and say hi.

Quhuru Mo: Oh, is that how you’re politely dismissing me from the scene and hinting that I should leave? Fair enough.

He leaves.

Jorah: Why do you speak so freely in front of that sailor, Khaleesi? He could spread anything you say to other ports. You know how these sailors are.

Dany: First off... you brought him here. Second, who cares? The Seven Kingdoms are falling apart! They have a dumb boy on the throne, and now I have access to ships and weapons that I can use to sail there! Why, I bet as soon as next chapter I’ll be sailing off to the Seven Kingdoms! I mean… just look at the situation. In no way will we be an entire FIVE books into this series and I still haven’t left Essos yet.

Jorah: You’d be surprised. Anyway, you’re assuming you already have the gold, armies, and ships that these Qarthi have promised you. But you don’t have them yet. As previously discussed, I do not trust these people. And even if they do give you all that and you set sail… remember you still have to fight over in Westeros and WIN.

 Dany: Stop being a buzzkill, Jorah.

ACoK 26: Arya VI

Life is hell for Arya Stark.

She’s a prisoner of Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane and his henchmen, (1) a torturer only known as “The Tickler,” (2) Raff the Sweetling, the dick pikeman who killed Lommy, and (3) Polliver, a bald dude who now has possession of Needle. There are others as well, but these are the ones you should worry about for now. 

They’re still at the small little village where they were captured days ago. One by one, all the townspeople and every person who the Lannister soldiers have captured are being tortured and murdered.  Once a day, they come in and select someone for an interrogation. Following the interrogation, they murder them.  One girl in town even slept with a Lannister soldier to avoid being picked. She was picked the very next day. A mother told the soldiers everything she knew as part of a deal to not harm her daughter. They killed her daughter.  These are some sick, sick fucks.

What are the questions about? Every day it’s the same shit. Where is Beric Dondarrion? How large is his posse? Where are the hidden valuables and food in the village?  

Unfortunately, nobody here knows shit about Beric Dondarrion. They’re just innocent villagers. So they’re being murdered for no reason.

Everything has been taken away from Arya. Needle is gone. Her wooden sword was taken away and broken in front of her. Even her secret of being a girl is gone. She had to pee in front of everyone else, and now everyone knows.

Hot Pie: HOLY SHIT! YOU’VE GOT A VAGINA!

Arya: Took you long enough, dumbass. Well, now you know you got the shit kicked out of you by a girl.

Arya gets smashed in the lip for talking. She’s not allowed to talk. All things considered, she got off lucky. Another kid who wouldn’t stop whining for his father got his head smashed in with a mace. Then Raff the Sweeting killed his mother just because.

Arya realizes there is no reason to try to be brave. The people who tried to be brave all died… screaming.

The only person who really hasn’t gotten the shit beaten out of him is Gendry. They asked him where he got the awesome bull helm from. He told them he forged it himself.  Blacksmiths are too valuable to murder, and so Gendry has been looked after.

The Mountain: Okay, listen up, you dicks. It looks like none of you know shit about shit. None of you have any intelligence we can use. So I guess, in hindsight, we were murdering you all really for no reason. Although I guess we did install a sense of fear and nihilism in you all. So that’s something, I suppose.  We’re just going to march the rest of you to Harrenhal to be servants for Lord Tywin Lannister. There is only one rule, and that is “If you obey… you live.” Is that cool?

Random Townsperson: Wait… wouldn’t  that one rule imply that there is a de-facto second rule, e.g. “If you don’t obey… you die”?

The Mountain kills that person in front of everyone and blood splatters everywhere.

The Mountain: I SAID “ONE RULE.”

And so they begin to march the prisoners, including Arya, to Harrenhal. They also take anything else of value from the town. Pigs. Chickens. Cows. Wagons. Bags of Swedish Fish. Some Ikea Hemnes 8-drawer dressers. One of those Farrah Fawcett pin-up posters. You know… the one where she’s in the red swimsuit.

They march and march. When they get bored at night, they rape a girl. One night, a girl fought back. Clegane beheaded her.  Arya is happy that she doesn’t have Needle anymore. If she did, then she would have probably tried to use it in revenge and gotten killed herself.

Arya hates everyone here. She's starting to hate SO MANY PEOPLE that she needs to begin making a list.

Arya: I hate this Dunsen guy for wearing Gendry’s horned helmet. I hate Polliver for taking Needle. I hate Chiswyck for thinking he’s Mr. Funny Ha-Ha Joke Guy. I hate The Mountain for, you know, obvious reasons. I hate Raff the Sweetling for killing Lommy. I hate Amory Lorch for killing Yoren. And not only do I hate all the people around me here… I hate people everywhere else too. I hate Meryn Trant for killing Syrio. I hate the Hound for killing Mycah the Butcher’s Boy. I hate Ilyn Payne and Joffrey and Cersei for killing my father.

She doesn’t put the Tickler on her list though. Why not? Who knows.

Arya: I’m going to start whispering the names of these people before I go to bed every night. I will pray for their deaths.

They reach near Harrenhal, the famous castle. It’s mostly ruins from when Aegon the Conqueror’s dragons burned it to the ground.  They say the stone is dark because the mortar was mixed with human blood. But instead of going there first, they stop by the large Lannister army. It’s been here for a while and the whole place smells like a giant toilet. Nasty.

Hot Pie: I don’t want to go in the castle! It’s haunted by g-g-g-ghosts!!!

Chiswyck: Either come in the castle like we say… or become one of the ghosts you’re afraid of. And by that, I mean I’ll murder you.

Hot Pie: Ah, when you put it like that…

They are all marched into the castle, separated from one another, and examined like chattel. Arya winds up with a bunch of kitchen ladies.

Harra: Look at all these blisters on your hand, you must be some type of farm girl that churned butter. You know, if you work hard here at Harrenhal, you’ll be treated well. If not, you’ll be beaten. What’s your name, girl?

Arya: Uh, just call me “Weasel” because of reasons.

Nobody calls Arya that, but let's just roll with it.

Amabel: You need to have your head shaved. It’s filled with lice. You can’t work in the kitchen with lice.

Arya: I’d rather work in the stables with the horses. You know, so I can steal one and run away.

Harra smacks the shit out of Arya.

Harra: Shut up with that shit! You’ll do as you’re told. Were you not listening to me?

Amabel: Lord Tywin already has squires that looks after his horses. He don’t need no girl. The kitchen will be great for you. It’s snug and clean and always warm. You can sleep there. But you know what? Since you’re so annoying, we’re going to give you to Weese.

Arya: Who the hell is Weese?

Amabel: You’ll see.

And so Arya sees. Weese is the under-steward in the Wailing Tower. He’s a short, fat man with boils all over his face. Arya and five others are assigned to him.

Weese: The Lannisters are generous to those who serve us. Although none of you scum deserve that honor. Still, Lord Tywin is generous.  So here are the THREE rules. That's TWO MORE RULES than Clegane has, if you're keeping track. First… never look a noble in the eyes, second--only speak when spoken to, and last--4 never get in Lord Tywin’s way. If you try to defy me… I’ll know! I can smell defiance. And all I want to smell… is AXE body spray!

Someone whispers something in Weese's ear. 

Weese: I'm being told that AXE body spray hasn't been invented yet. So now all I want to smell... IS FEAR!!!

And so life remains hell for Arya Stark. Full circle. Sorry, this isn't the funniest chapter in the world... but how can it be?

ACoK 25: Tyrion VI

Meryn Trant: Whattup?

Tyrion: Shut up. I’m going into my sister’s bedchamber.

Tyrion does exactly that because is Meryn Fucking Trant really going to stop him?

Inside he finds Cersei in with a half-naked Lancel Lannister. Lancel is playing "Angel of the Morning" by Merrilee Rush (sorry Juice Newton fans, go watch Deadpool) on an acoustic guitar. And it looks like Cersei just got done playing the skin flute, if you know what I mean.

Tyrion: Damn, you really like screwing your own family members, don’t you? Except for me, of course. This is a serious psychological condition. You need a mental health checkup, ASAP.

Cersei: Uhh… no. That wasn’t happening at all. *zips dress back up*

Tyrion: What? Zippers don't even exist yet! Now get dafuq out of here, Lancel. I have some important business to talk to my sister about.

Cersei: If this is about me ordering those Faith of the Seven priests to be arrested… I REGRET NOTHING. They were preaching that the gods were punishing everyone because Jaime killed the “rightful” king. Ugh. Robert’s Rebellion was like two decades ago. Get over it, people. And what kind of lame gods take 15 years to punish people?

Lancel: YEAH! Fuck those Faith of the Seven people. I HATE THEM. They are the worst. The characters in the Faith of the Seven are literally the worst characters in the book.  They should have their tongues cut out. They should be feathered and tarred. They should be led into traps and stabbed by a team of boys under the Sept of Baelor as part of an elaborate plot to blow it up with Wildfire.

Tyrion: Hahaha, nice Lancel. I love it that right now in the books your character expressly and openly states a dislike for the Faith of the Seven. This is good stuff.  Wonderful forshadowing. Now, as I previously said… GET OUT OF HERE, LANCEL!

Lancel fucks off.

Tyrion: So anyway, Cersei… that Faith of the Seven stuff, I don’t really give a shit about that. Those Septons can stay in jail for all I care. I came to talk to you abo--- Wow, you know what I just noticed? This is a total non-sequitur. But isn’t that the exact same bed that King Robert died in?

Cersei: Yep.

Tyrion: And you still sleep in it? And have sex with your cousin in it?

Cersei:  This is the best bed ever. Laying where that fat shit died gives me the sweetest dreams ever. Now what was it that you wanted to talk to me about then… if it wasn’t about me ordering those priests to the dungeon?

Tyrion: Oh right. It was about Stannis. We just got word that he set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking--

Cersei: --AGHHHH! I KNEW IT! WE’RE DOOMED! WE’RE DOOMED! WE HAVE NO DEFENSES! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! AGHHHHH!

Cersei grabs a bottle that says “suicide potion” and begins to hold it to her mouth.

Tyrion: --AHH! AH! STOP! As much as that action would vastly simplify these books, I’m going to stop you right there. Let me complete my sentence. Stannis set sail from Dragonstone and he’s attacking... STORM’S END!

Cersei: OH SHIT! He’s attacking RENLY?!

Tyrion: Yes.

Cersei bursts into laughter. She starts crying. Not out of sadness. But out of happiness.

Cersei: THIS IS THE GREATEST NEWS EVER! Two of our biggest enemies are fighting each other! This is so awesome. If only there were some typical way I generally celebrated happy news.

Tyrion: By drinking?

Ceresei: OH YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT!

Tyrion: Here. Let me pour you one, on the house!

Cersei: Hells to the yeah.

Tyrion pours her a drink of wine, but slips in a pill that came from a bottle that says “Instantly Dissolving, Tasteless, Super Concentrated Prune Extract.”

Cersei: Prost!

Tyrion: Sláinte!

They both drink.

Tyrion: Well, bye. I’m going to leave before the diarrhea storm floods the room.

Cersei: See you lat—wait, what did you say?

Tyrion: Nothing.

The next day, Cersei is on the throne. Not the Iron Throne. You know what throne I mean. She literally cannot stop shitting. It’s pretty damn rough. She’s stuck in her en-suite bathroom and probably won’t leave for, like, four days.

Tyrion: Awesome, with Cersei out of commission, now my awesome power grab begins!

Tyrion holds a meeting with the Lannister guardsmen, Gold Cloaks, Varys, Littlefinger, Pycelle, Bronn, Sansa, Ser Cleos Frey, his cousin Tyrek Lannister, and a bunch of other largely irrelevant characters. Why even bother mentioning them? They’re just there to provide atmosphere.

Tyrion: So Cleos, I’m ready to give you our counter-terms to Robb “The Young Wolf” Stark. Here they are all written down on paper. Robb must lay down his sword, swear fealty to King Joffrey, return to Winterfell, return my brother Jaime unarmed, place his existing armies under Jamie’s control to march on Renly and Stannis, have each of his bannermen give a son to us as a hostage so that they will act in good faith.

Cleos: I don’t think Robb will agree to any of those parts. Except for that “return Jaime unarmed” part. He would probably be okay with that.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! Did I really say “unarmed?” Yeah. Damnit! There is a spelling mistake on these terms! It was supposed to say UNHARMED! With an H! Do we have to re-write this whole thing now?

Cleos: I dunno. Surely Robb will get that it’s just a spelling mistake. It’s not like anyone is dumb enough to go around cutting Jaime Lannister’s appendages off.

Tyrion: Yeah, good point. Let’s just leave it as-is. Because finding a calligrapher at this time of day is a biatch. Anyway, let Robb know that if he doesn’t agree to these terms – the Lannisters have raised another great army at Casterly Rock that will march on him to destroy him. He has no hope and no allies. Stannis and Renly war with each other. The Prince of Dorne has agreed to a marriage alliance with the Lannisters, wedding Trystane Martell to Myrcella Baratheon.

Cleos: Yeah, good points. That should scare him!

Tyrion: But let him know that we are also with mercy and in good faith, we are willing to trade our hostages for their hostages and we’ll also give him his father’s bones.

Cleos: Oh, cool. Cool. What about his father’s sword, Ice, and his sisters Sansa and Arya? Robb really wants to know about those things. Hey! Where is that Arya girl anyway?

Tyrion: We tend to just not talk about that. Anyway, he’ll get all of those back when he makes peace and gives us Jaime back. No sooner.  Now, Vylarr… leader of the Lannister guardsmen, please step forward!

Vylarr: Oh sweet. I get to be in another chapter? Remember when we both rode together that one chapter and you were talking to me? I love being an important character.

Tyrion: Well, I’m sending you away now.

Vylarr: Awww. So much for that.

Tyrion: You and the Lannister guard will help escort Ser Cleos back. Cleos is half-Lannister, after all!

Pycelle: HEY WAIT! Why would you send the entire Lannister guard out of town?

Tyrion: Why surely the Gold Cloaks and Kingsguard are enough to protect our king!

Varys: *smiles knowingly*

Littlefinger: *pretends to be bored by Tyrion’s subtle and devious subterfuge at lessening Cersei’s power and influence while simultaneously strengthening his own*

Sansa: *looks around unaware and confused because she’s stupid AF*

Bronn: *wonders why he was specifically called out as a character in this chapter if he will have no lines*

Tyrion: Well, I guess if there are no further questions, I’ll call this meeting to a close and--

The doors burst open and Alliser Thorne barges in.

Allister Thorne: *AHEM* I’ve been waiting here forever. I WILL NOT BE IGNORED!

Tyrion: Oh wow… really? What a horrible mistake that has occurred! I had no idea. Why, I would never treat my “good friend” who I walked the Wall with in such a negative way intentionally.

Alliser: I saw those floating quotation marks around the “good friend” part of your sentence, dwarf! Don’t think I don’t know that was sarcastic. I DEMAND to speak to the King!

Tyrion: No. The King is too busy to talk to you. You must talk to the King’s servants instead.

Alliser: WHAT?! He’s too busy doing what?

Tyrion: Playing with his new crossbow. So what’s up?

And so Alliser goes into the whole story. You already know it. Two long-dead rangers rose from the dead as Wights. They killed Jaremy “Spoke in Class Today” Rykker. They tried to kill Lord Commander Mormont. Alliser leaves out the part about Jon Snow saving the Lord Commander because he’s petty like that and refuses to give Snow any props.

Tyrion: Well, sounds like a bunch of bullshit. So you claim you killed “dead men?” Sounds like they were just MOSTLY dead. Which means slightly alive. Hahaha! See what I did there?

Crowd: *laughs like sycophants even though quoting Princess Bride there was a bit of a stretch, because they want the Hand of the King to like them*

Alliser: Fuck you. They were totally dead the first time and they came back! We had proof. We had a zombie hand. But you kept me waiting so long that it rotted away. Now it’s just bones.

Tyrion: Mmmhmm, suuuuure. You have proof but now the "deep state" forced you to lose it. Sure. Look, here is what I will do for you. Littlefinger will send you back with 100 shovels so you can bury the dead a little better next time. And Ser Jacelyn will allow you to pick whatever prisoners we have left in the dungeons to join the Watch.

Ser Jacelyn leans over to Tyrion and whispers in his ear.

Tyrion: What? No more prisoners in the dungeons?! WHY?

Ser Jacelyn: We literally just gave the Watch all of our prisoners not that long ago. The last Hand, Ned Stark, gave them to that “Yoren” guy.

Tyrion: Oh. Well, I guess you can just go out and arrest some more people. Or maybe just tell all these starving peasants in and around Kings Landing that there is a TON of food up at the Wall. Then they’ll all just come marching back with you, Alliser.

Alliser: What the FUCK? You’re making this whole thing like some sort of joke, dwarf? Just because you don’t like me? THE DEAD ARE COMING BACK AND KILLING THE LIVING.

Tyrion: Meh, whatever. I’m done with you.

Tyrion waves his hand and Bronn escorts Alliser Thorne out.

Varys: Oh, well done, Tyrion! What an excellent job you’re doing as the Hand!

Tyrion: Stop brown-nosing, asshole.

Meanwhile, Littlefinger is giving Tyrion the stink eye.

Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU, BOY?

Littlefinger: Oh, nothing. Interesting that you told ME that Myrcella was going to marry Robert Arryn, and yet you also made a deal to marry her to Tystane Martell.

Tyrion: Hahaha, oh man. Don’t take that personally. It was just some awesome shit I was doing where I was telling everyone a different story to see which one leaked. You’re good, man.

Pycelle: Huh? Sorry? What was that? I dozed off and wasn’t paying attention.

Tyrion: Don’t worry about it.

Pycelle: Okay. *goes back to sleep*

Tyrion: Now Varys, let’s walk and talk.

The two leave.

Varys: You know, Cersei will never let you send all the Lannister guards away.

Tyrion: They’ll be long gone before she gets out of the toilet. So she really can’t do anything about it. Besides, you’re going to help me get top cover when Cersei stops shitting. You’re going to tell her that it’s all part of my plan to help save Jaime.

Varys: And how does that make sense?

Tyrion: Well, we’re going to send up an elite, A-Team/Suicide Squad-type of entity including a thief, a poisoner, a mummer, a murderer, and Solid Snake. They’ll be part of our infiltration mission to get Jaime back.  If we just send those people up alone – they’ll be easily spotted. But if we send them up and blend them in disguise with the 400 other Lannister guards… how will the Starks even be able to notice them?

Varys: It sounds good in principle, but you know Solid Snake won’t actually keep that Lannister guard disguise on. Ten minutes into the whole thing he’ll put on that lame cardboard box disguise which doesn’t fool anyone. The whole thing will be blown.

Tyrion: Meh.

That evening, Ser Cleos leaves town with the Lannister guards and one surprisingly mobile cardbord box with legs. As soon as they’re gone, Tyrion assembles his crew of Vale mountain clansmen for yet another mission.

Shagga uses his axe to break open Grand Maester Pycelle’s door.

Pycelle: WHAT THE HELL?!

Pycelle is in there, having sex with a hooker.

Tyrion: Hey, you name wouldn’t happen to be “Ros,” would it?

Hooker: No, there is no "Ros" in the books.

Tyrion: Okay.

Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH!

Randy Savage delivers a diving crossbody to Pycelle, followed up by a diving double axe handle, and then an Atomic Elbow Drop to finish him off.

Earl Hebner: 1…2…3!!!!

Savage wins. Pycelle pisses and shits himself, laying naked on the ground.

Pycelle: WHY! WHHHHHHYYYY?

Tyrion: You’re the leak, Pycelle. I sent different messages via different people. The message that you sent out leaked to Cersei.

Pycelle: I’m innocent! Innocent, I say! Something… something must have happened to the raven when it was sent out. Someone intercepted it!

Shagga: SHAGGA WILL CUT OFF PYCELLE’S MANHOOD AND FEET IT TO HIS GOATS!

Macho Man: OOOH YEAH! AND THAT'S HOW THEY MAKE SLIM JIMS!

Tyrion: Gross. Perhaps that’s going a little too far. How about you just cut off his beard instead?

So Shagga cuts off Pycelle’s long beard, immediately transforming Pycelle into Aris Kristatos.

Kristatos: I have a fetish for underage, blonde ice skaters!

Tyrion: Gross, but not half as gross as most sexual relationships in these books.

Kristatos: How can you do this to me? I am a loyal Lannister! I have done everything to serve your house, Tyrion. Why, it was I who was key in convincing King Aerys to open the gates to let your father’s army into town.

Tyrion: So you’re pleading for your life by mentioning that time you BETRAYED someone? Because I remember that story ending with the king being executed. How many people have you betrayed? The Mad King? Eddard Stark? Me? King Robert? Jon Arryn? Prince Rhaegar?

Kristatos: Robert was an awful king! Renly was plotting to have Cersei divorced and for Robert to marry Margaery Tyrell. And Jon Arryn knew of Cersei’s incest! They had to be gotten rid of. They meant to harm the Lannisters! I did it all for the Lannisters! I did it all for your family!

Tyrion: So you’re admitting that you killed Jon Arryn? That’s an even worse move.

Kristatos: No! It wasn’t me. It was the squire, Ser Hugh. Not me! I swear!

Tyrion: You disgust me! Shagga and Macho Man, take Pycelle to the black cells!

And so they carry Pycelle away to prison.  Tyrion walks around Pycelle’s chambers and looks around in disgust.  Pycelle was the leak. But he doesn’t really trust Littlefinger or Varys either. Maybe they should all be executed.