ACoK 45: Catelyn VI

Cat watches as her brother Edmure and his men ride out to battle.

Cat: Well, honestly they're probably going to all die. How am I gonna be an optimist about this?

BΔSTILLE: Eheu aul aul [x4]

Cat: NO! STOP THAT!

Brienne: I wish I could go. Because I wish I was a man. Only men get to go out and fight in this sexist, patriarchal society.

Cat then goes into deep thought and flashback territory, thinking about how men and women play different roles. Men fighting. Women comforting them. But she never comforted Littlefinger after he got his ass kicked fighting for her as a kid. Whatever.

Brienne: Fighting is better than waiting. When I'm waiting, I just feel helpless.

Cat: Yeah, well knights die in battle. So there's that.

Brienne: Just like ladies die in childbirth. 

Cat: Good counter-point, I suppose. Anyway, my husband who was supposed to protect me is dead. I guess you can be my protector now.

Brienne: I'll try. I mean I can't promise you won't get your neck slit open anyway, but I'll do what I can.

Later, Cat is with Maester Vyman. 

Vyman: Check it out! I got a letter from Lord Elwood Meadows, the new castellan at Storm's End. Penrose is dead and the castle now belongs to Stannis.

Cat: Wow. That was unexpected. So what happened to Edric Storm?

Vyman: It doesn't say.

Cat: Eh. Probably surrendered to Stannis or something. Whatever. Stannis will likely try to use Edric's appearance and resemblance to King Robert as some sort of evidence that Joffrey, in contrast, is a bastard. But I don't that's going to persuade anyone that didn't want to be persuaded of that in the first place. Of Ned's kids, only Arya looked like him. Well, and Jon Snow too... but fuck that shitty bastard. I HATE HIM.

Vyman: Speaking of bastards, here is another note. Coincidentally about someone else who fathered a bastard. It says that Roose Bolton is headed to take Harrenhal.

Cat: Yeah. And when Roose got that letter that his son had been executed, he didn't even care. He even sent a letter that said he was well to be "ridden of him." Cold blooded, yo.

Later again, that night Cat watches as Lannister forces attempt to attack the castle. Three times they strike. Three times they are defeated. She watches as the dead body of a Lannister soldier floats by the river that protects Riverrun. 

Soldier: Actually, I'm not dead at all. I'm just--

Alligator: *NOM*NOM*

Solider: AGHHH!!!

Brienne: Actually, they are called "Lizard Lions" in this book series, not "Alligators."

Cat: Shut up, Brienne. It's a throwaway joke that doesn't even happen in the book. Stop extending this scene more than it needs to be extended. Let's move on.

Brienne: Lord Tywin doesn't mean to seriously attack us. He is merely testing our defenses to see how we respond. Then his REAL army will come after us. Trust me, I'm a fighting expert.

Cat: I'm bored. Let's get Cleos Frey drunk and see if he gives away any secrets.

Brienne: Cool.

And so Cat does that.

Cleos: *hiccup* All thish wine. YEAH! Sho tashty!

Cat: So were you in on this plot to free Jaime and kill all of us?

Cleos: Nope! I knew noshing about that.

Cat: And the Lannisters really offered to trade my daughters for Jaime?

Cleos: Well, yesh. Your daughter at leasht!

Cat: What do you mean daughter? I have two!

Cleos: Well, I only shaw the one, Shansha, when I wash there. I didn't she the osher one.

Cat: Hrm. Well, that really worries me. Cersei didn't say anything about Arya?

Cleos: Oh, I didn't talk to Chershei. I talked to the Imp.

Cat: Ah! So Tyrion is the one that proposed the terms?! He did try to protect me in the Vale. I wonder if I can trust him. Although Littlefinger did say that it was Tyrion's knife that was used to try to kill Bran. And why would Littlefinger lie about something like that?

Cleos: Chaosh is a ladder.

Cat: What?

Cleos: Noshing!

Days later, Edmure sends back word of a great victory against Lord Twyin's forces. Twyin was prevented from crossing the river, and the Mountain was ALMOST killed. 

Cat: But this ain't horseshoes, so almost doesn't count.

Leo Lefford drowned as well. 

Cat: Who the fuck is Leo Lefford and why would anyone care about him?

That night, all of Riverrun celebrates the great victory. Everyone except Catelyn. 

Cat: We're winning, but I feel like that's just some type of shit that GRRM would do right before ripping all my hopes and dreams away with some really dark shit. 

ACoK 44: Tyrion X

Remember when Tyrion started blackmailing Lancel? Yeah, good stuff. And it’s finally paying off!

Lancel: So, I’ve learned from Cersei that she plans to hide Tommen at Rosby under the care of Lord Gyles, disguised as a page.

Tyrion: Well, with that angry mob almost killing Joffrey and Sansa and everyone, that’s probably a good idea. Wait… is she trying to hide Tommen from the angry mob… or from me?

Lancel: A little bit of column A. A little bit from column B.

Tyrion: Hrm. How am I just learning about this from you? Varys is supposed to be a master spy. Why haven’t I heard this shit from him yet? Or maybe he DOES know about it and simply hasn’t told me. I can’t trust that asshole.

Later that night, Tyrion meets up with Bronn.

Tyrion: Sup?

Bronn: Sup?

Tyrion: I have a letter you need to take to Ser Jacelyn Bywater. Command him to take 50 men and capture Lord Gyles’s party. You are to expel the garrison and keep Tommen safe at Rosby.  I do not wish for Rosby or any of his men to be hurt. You know, not in front of Tommen at least.  Tell Bywater if he does this… then he will earn himself a Lordship!

Bronn: Pfft, you’re giving Lordships away now? Hell, I’ll do the job for a Lordship. I don’t need 50 men either.

Tyrion: Like I’m falling for that shit. You’re a mercenary. Bywater’s men will defend Tommen. You’re just as likely to sell Tommen to our enemies when any battle starts to go against us.

Bronn: I can’t even deny that with a straight face. That's a FANTASTIC idea.

Tyrion: And geez… my dick is so hard! I need Shae right now.

So Tyrion starts to head towards Chataya’s brothel. You know how it goes by now. He pretends to be seeking Chataya’s hot daughter but really he goes through a secret passage. Etc. Etc. It seems like a whole lot of work just to see a hooker.
Tyrion: Good point. Forget this crap. I’m just going to go straight to Shae without even going through this subterfuge.

Tyrion looks over both of his shoulders to see if anyone seems to be following him.  It doesn’t appear so, but then again he’s like 3 feet tall. So he probably can’t see much.  He heads straight for Shae’s mansion, AKA the fuckhouse.
He arrives and finds Shae with another man.

Tyrion: DAFUQ?

Shae: Oh, it’s not what you think. This is just Symon Silver Tongue.

Tyrion: Do you think him being named “Symon Silver Tongue” is going to make me feel any better? THAT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE!

Shae: Why?

Tyrion: That’s clearly an allusion to how good he is at cunnilingus!

Shae: No! He’s just a really good singer.

Tyrion: Uh huh. Suuuuure.

Symon: No, it’s true, M’Lord Hand!

Tyrion: OH GREAT! He recognizes me! He knows I’m Tyrion Lannister, the Hand of the King!

Symon: Obviously.  I mean how many other dwarves are around this city?

Tyrion: You know, Shae, the whole reason I have you out here is so that you’re NOT associated with me. But now he knows that you know me and he knows where you live. I should probably have him killed.

Symon: PLEASE! NO! I SWEAR, I WON’T TELL ANYONE!

Tyrion: Are you sure? You sound like the type of minor character that will stick around for another book to try to foolishly blackmail me.

Symon: No! I would never!

Tyrion: Well okay then. NOW GET OUT OF HERE! I SAID GIT!

Symon runs away.

Tyrion: Finally. We can start with the banging!

And so they fuck. Look, we don’t need to get into specifics with that. Afterwards, there is a knock at the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, would you like to know about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Tyrion: AGH! Damnit! Go away.

Shae: That’s not a real Jehovah’s Witness. That’s Varys.

Varys: Haha, yep! It’s me again! Lovable Varys!

Tyrion: RIGHT! RIGHT! I keep forgetting that you’re a master of disguise in these books. How were you able to recognize him, Shae?

Shae: Oh we whores have a special talent. When a visitor comes to us… we must look at the man. Not at the man’s garb. That’s how we stay alive.

Tyrion: Wait, so are you trying to say that every whore in Westeros is, like, a master detective or something?

Shae: Pretty much.

Tyrion:  If I told you that the Robert Arryn’s last words were, “Robert. The Seed is Strong,” and that the last book he checked out from the library was about genealogy… what conclusion would you come to?

Shae: Probably that Jon Arryn suspected that Joffrey was not King Robert’s legitimate heir due to him lacking a deep, physical resemblance. So Jon probably wanted to research any records of Baratheon-Lannister marriages in the past to see if the children’s hair color was noted in the books.

Tyrion: WOW! Whores ARE master detectives. It took Eddard Stark an entire book to figure that out and by then it was too late for him.

Varys: So are we going to continue this scene or what?

Tyrion: Oh right. Why are you here, Varys?

Varys: To tell you that Ser Cortnay Penrose is dead and that Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.

Tyrion: WHAT?! Well, this is sudden. I needed more time to prepare Kings Landing for an attack. I was hoping that Penrose would keep Stannis occupied until my father could finish with that Stark kid and then head down to face him.  Go down to the stables and wait for me, Varys! I’ll come with you shortly.

Varys: Okay. See you in a second.

Varys leaves, giving us the opportunity for another intimate, loving scene between Shae and Tyrion.

Shae: Look, I’m tired of living out here. You need to take me to the Red Keep and make me your lady in waiting.

Tyrion: No, that’s a terrible idea. My father expressly forbid it. And if my sister learned about you, she’d probably fuck with you too.  Although it is dangerous in the streets out here these days with the masses getting pitchforks. Maybe you should come to the Red Keep. But you can’t be my lady. I could set you up with a job in the kitchen though.

Shae: That’s a terrible idea. I’m an awful cook. I’d poison you. Or is this some sort of kinky fetish you have? You wanna suck gravy off my tits or something?

Tyrion: Uhm, well now that you mention that… yes… I would like to do that. However, you wouldn’t be a cook. The kingdom has plenty of cooks. You’d probably just be the pot washing girl.

Shae: Pot washing girl?! FORGET THAT! That’s what my father had me do. You know, before he started violently molesting me.

Tyrion: Yikes. Well, that explains the psychological trauma that led you to becoming a whore master detective.

Shae: You need to quit being a scared little bitch, Tyrion! You need to man up and give a middle finger to your father and sister. Stop acting like a fucking pussy!

Tyrion: Haha, you ARE what YOU EAT.

Tyrion then slaps the shit out of Shae.

Tyrion: Uhhhmm… I guess I shouldn’t have done that. So how about instead of apologizing, I tell you a long, drawn out story about how I lost my virginity to a girl that I thought was in love with me… but really was just a whore that my father and brother had paid to pop my cherry. And that was before my dad made me watch a gang of Lannister soldiers run a train on her to conclude the “valuable life lesson.”

Shae: I’m not sure how a story about a whore master detective being gangbanged is supposed to make me feel better.

Tyrion: Whatever, I’m out and I already regret telling that to you.

Tyrion leaves and rejoins Varys. He tells him his plan about keeping Shae in the kitchen.

Varys: The kitchen? No. That’s a terrible idea. In the kitchen Shae will be an object of both curiosity and lust. Maybe instead she should become Lady Tanda Stokeworth’s maid.  I know Lady Tanda’s current maid is a thief. We could have her fired and have Shae replace her. Nobody would bat an eye. And then Shae would get everything she wants. She could be a lady at court who gets to dress up like a proper lady, and not as some kitchen wench in rags.

Tyrion: THIS IS A FANTASTIC IDEA, VARYS! Geez! Why did I dismiss you from earlier in the scene? You should have been around to tell this idea to Shae. Then I wouldn’t have had to resort to domestic violence.

Varys: I mean she’s just a whore master detective, so it’s not really domestic violence.

Tyrion: Hey now, don’t ruin the illusion in my head that she loves me for who I am. Anyway, it will still be hard to see her if she’s with Lady Tanda. How will she get to my rooms?

Varys: Probably through the secret passage that leads right into your room.

Tyrion: WHAT?! THERE IS A SECRET PASSAGE THAT LEADS TO MY ROOM? How am I just learning about this now? Why have you not told me before? Does it go to the Conservatory? The Lounge? The Study? The Kitchen? If it leads to the Kitchen, wouldn’t it be a better idea to have Shae in the Kitchen like I suggested?

Varys: To answer your questions in order: Yes. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. No. No. No. No. And it doesn’t, so it’s a moot point.

Tyrion: Wait… why did I come down here to talk to you again?

Varys: I don’t know. I assume to ask me more about how Penrose died.

Tyrion: That sounds as reasonable as any other reason I can think of. How did Penrose die?

Varys: They say he threw himself from a window.

Tyrion: *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

Varys: Agreed.

Tyrion: Yeah, he was assassinated for sure. So, you have your spy network. How did it REALLY happen?

Varys: My little birds can’t be everywhere, Tyrion.  But I have heard a theory. Tell me, do you believe in magic?

Tyrion: I just kicked one singer out of here. Don’t you start up singing that Lovin’ Spoonfull shit at me.

Varys: Both Renly and Penrose died mysteriously. They say old magic was used.

Tyrion: I don’t believe in that stuff. Surely you’re too smart to believe in that yourself, Varys.

Varys: Oh, well since you’re explaining your entire childhood traumas to Shae, I might as well explain mine to you.  As a young boy I had my genitals cut off by a magician in front of me and put on a grill.

Tyrion: The Japanese are really obsessed with their Kushiyaki.

Varys: Not only did he cook my junk in front of me, but this magician chanted some sort of magical incantation. And do you know what happened after that? A voice answered back.

Tyrion: No. You’re shitting me!

Varys: Was it a god? Some conjurer’s trick? I don’t know, and I know ALL the tricks. All I can say for a certainty is that this magician called out to a god… and some voice answered. From that day, I have hated all magicians.

Tyrion: So was this Chriss Angel or David Blane? Because I assume it has to be one of those two.

Varys: If Stannis is practicing dark magic, then I wish to see him dead.

Tyrion: Look, man. I’m sorry about all that happening to you. But I don’t believe in magic and so I can’t vouch for that. Stannis probably just hired a really skilled assassin.  So what other news you got for me? Any word from Littlefinger or my father?

Varys: No. Nothing from Lord Tywin, and for all I know, Baelish has completely vanished.

Tyrion: Hahahaha!

Varys: What? I don’t get wat’s funny about that.

Tyrion: Kings Landing is about to be FUCKED! Without lube, too. Jaime can’t help them because he’s a prisoner. My father can’t help them because he’s trapped fighting Stark. Littlefinger has vanished and therefore can’t get the Knight of Flowers to help them. Robert and Renly and Rhaegar can’t help them because they’re all dead. So you know who the only person left that CAN help them is? ME! That’s right… ME! Tyrion Lannister. The one they call an evil, twisted monkey, and laugh at because I’m a dwarf. The one they HATE.  I am the only person who stands between them and total chaos.

Varys: Honestly, we should probably just let them all die.

Tyrion: True, but then this book series would be much shorter.

ACoK 43: Jon V

Jon Snow is just chillin when a horn blasts.  Everyone around gets silent and anxious. One horn blast signifies that brothers of the Night’s Watch are arriving. But two horn blasts signify an incoming attack.

Everyone: …

Horn: …

Finally, after they realize no second horn will blast, everyone just laughs and pretends like they were never scared in the first place.

Jon: Well shit, that must be Qhorin Halfhand’s party. It’s about time! He was supposed to get here days ago.  I need to go report this to Mormont.

As Qhorin’s party arrives, it’s clear they’ve seen some battle. They’ve got tattered clothes and blood stains. Some men are limping and wounded.

Jon: Hey! I only count 99 men. You were supposed to come with 100.

Qhorin: Uhh… can’t you see that we were attacked?

Jon: Yeah.

Qhorin: So one of our guys died.

Jon: Ugh. We were supposed to have 300 men. We’ll never beat the Wildings now with 299.

Qhorin: Oh, I’ve heard about your ass. You must be Jon Fucking Snow. I can tell. You look like a Stark. I knew your father, Eddard. As well as his father before him.

Jon: Sweet, I guess that makes us best friends now or something?  Come on, the Old Man will want to see you.

And so they go to Mormont.

Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Dafuq is this? Only 99?

Jon: That’s what I said!

Qhorin: We were attacked by Alfyn Crowkiller the famous and notorious raider who is an arch enemy of the Night’s Watch.

Jon: Yes! So famous, notorious and important that he was never mentioned before this chapter. And he will never be mentioned again after it is over.

Qhorin: Anyway, we killed him. But some of his men escaped. And we had casualties. One dead and many injured. We were able to capture some of his men and question them. Come on, I’ll tell you more inside.

So Qhorin and Mormont go into their private tent to talk, leaving Jon behind.

Jon: WHAT?! How am I supposed to be able to drop more plot exposition if I’m left out of their discussion scene?

Jon then hears some other guys talking about mutiny.

Chett: YEEE-HAW! This whole trip is a waste of time! We should give up and go home, where I can run some Moonshine across the Hazzard County line.

Lark the Sisterman: I agree.

Jon: Ugh. Lark the Sisterman? What a terrible name.

John thinks about running to Mormont to tell him about this sinister plotting to go home. But…

Jon: I may be called “Snow,” but I’m a STARK! And Starks ain’t no bitch-ass snitches!

He then goes into more reflective self-thought about those obsidian / dragonglass weapons that he found. About how he gave some of the weapons to his friends. Like Sam.

Jon: THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, WHICH IS WHY I AM THINKING ABOUT IT NOW! There, that’s how you continue to push forward plot exposition through POV chapters.

Sam: Oh, thanks for this dragonglass, Jon. It’s very old and I like old things.

Jon: Which is probably why I caught you masturbating to Betty White.

Sam: HEY! You weren't supposed to know about that. Anyway, thanks for this obsidian dagger, Jon. I'm sure it will come in handy at some time in the future. I don't know about this old, cracked, obsidian WAR HORN though. Seems lame.

Jon: I dunno. Maybe. Maybe it's just a useless old, cracked horn that I'm putting a lot of emphasis on for no reason. But if we're still talking about the Warhorn several books from now, and if a sailor from the Summer Isles is trying to pawn it off of you, then it will probably be important for some reason.

Sam: I guess. 

Dolorous Edd: Not to interrupted, but I have an unrelated story. A man once drowned himself in wine and I drank the wine afterwards.  That really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I just figured I’d awkwardly find a way to work that line into his chapter.

But none of this being reflecting about Dragonglass or talking to Edd about drowned people-flavored wine shit is good enough for Jon. He wants to hear what Mormont and Halfhand are talking about. Then he remembers that he is Mormont’s bitch boy.

Jon: Oh right. As I’m Mormont’s bitch boy, I’m supposed to follow him around and be his bitch. I should have just followed Halfhand inside, even though I wasn’t invited.

And so Jon grabs some food and wine and goes into Mormont’s tent.

Edd: No, wait! That’s the drowned person wine!!!

Jon: Here I am, Lord Commander! Just bringing you some food, sir! Not at all just using this food as an excuse to come inside and listen. But, you know, now that I am inside…

Jon takes a seat. QHH continues his story.

Qhorin: Well, apparently every raider north of the wall is being assembled by Mance Rayder in the mountains. The army includes wargs and mammoths and shit. They’re preparing for an assault on the Seven Kingdoms.

Mormont: We must warn the King!

Jon: Hahaha, which one? Am I right? High five!

Nobody gives Jon a high five though. It's tragic.

Mormont: All of them.

Qhorin: Only the King of the North will be of any use. If the Wildlings are somehow able to breech the wall, then Winterfell will be hit first.

Mormont: Just how do they plan to breech the wall anyway? Dig under it? Climb over it?

Qhorin: That’s just the thing… the plan is apparently neither of those things.  Apparently Mance is up in the Frostfangs looking for some type of magical artifact to breech the wall with sorcery. Some sort of fancy, legendary magical thing that would just open the wall for him.

Jon: Wow. Like, some sort of magical ice dragon or something?

Qhorin: Don’t be stupid, Jon. An Ice Dragon taking down the wall?! SILLY! SILLY!

Jon: Well, it makes more sense than some sort of magical horn that will bring it down. Especially if that horn was named “Joramun,” after a King-Beyond-the-Wall from thousands of years ago.

Mormont: Silence, Jon. You’re jumping ahead of books now. Let’s discuss the Horn of MacGuffin later during A Storm of Swords.

Jon: Okay. Weird that I'd have a horn on my mind though now. Why? Oh wait… because I just gave Sam that old horn. I wonder if that could be the magical artifact that Mance is looking for. 

Nobody responds.

Mormont: Well, this thing sounds really serious, Qhorin. What should we do?

Qhorin: We must send scouts into the mountains to infiltrate the Wildlings and find out what this thing they’re looking for is.  The best way to do this is to break into three small groups of five. Those three groups will be commanded by Jarman Buckwell, Thoren Smallwood, and myself. Jarman will go to the Giant’s Stair. Thorn to the Milkwater. And me to the Skirling Pass.

Mormont: Fine. Sounds reasonable. I guess you should choose your men, then.

Qhorin: I choose Jon Snow.

Mormont: What?! This kid is hardly more than a boy.

Qhorin: Yes, but he’s a Stark. Sort of. And he follows the Old Gods. The Old Gods still have power here up North beyond the Wall.

Mormont: And you, boy? What do you want to—

Jon: --Yeah, I’m already packed and ready to go, Lord Commander. I just need to find Ghost and I’m out.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’m here.]

Jon: Cool. I’m out.

Qhorin: We leave at once.

They leave, heading for Skirling Pass and Qhorin’s inevitable doom.

Qhorin: What was that?

Nothing.

ACoK 42: Davos II

DAVOS SEAWORTH TIME, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one

Davos: Well, I’m back from traveling all over the Seven Kingdoms, delivering the message from Stannis about how Joffrey is a shitty incest bastard. What happened while I was away?

Stannis: Oh, nothing much. My brother, Renly, is dead.

Davos: WHAT!?

Stannis: Anyway, thanks for coming here to my summons to be here for my parley with Ser Cortnay Penrose.

Davos: Yeah. Why exactly am I here for this parley? By the way, Stannis. You look FUCKING terrible. It looks like you haven’t slept in weeks.

Devan, Davos’s Son / Stannis’s Squire: Yeah man, he’s been plagued by nightmares every night. He can barely sleep. The only time he can fall asleep is after Melisandre “visits” him at night.

Davos: Oh, I get it. *wink*wink*

Ser Cortnay, the Lord holding Storm’s End and refusing to give it up to Stannis, finally shows up.

Cortnay: Okay mother truckers, I’m here to talk terms.

Stannis: I gave you my terms. You have a fortnight to surrender Storm’s End and Edric Storm to me.

Cortnay: Nope.

Stannis: What do you mean “nope?”

Cortnay: It means “no.” You gave me a fortnight. I don’t need a fortnight to decide. My answer is no. You’re not getting the kid.

Stannis: Why are you being such a bitch, Cortnay?

Lord Alester Florent: Yeah! Come on now, Cortnay! Be reasonable. Stannis means no harm to the boy. He just wants to show him at around to prove what Robert’s children look like. As proof that Joffrey isn’t his kid.

Cortnay: Oh, like I’m going to listen to YOUR traitorous ass, Alester? A week ago you were on my side with Renly. This week you’re with Stannis. You’re such a Benedict Arnold. Not only did you flip-flop sides… you flip-flopped GODS!

Alester: WHAT?! Why I oughtta…

Cortnay: --And don’t think I believe that shit you’re all saying about how Brienne of Tarth murdered Renly. I know that’s not true. She would never have it in her.  I know this was some crazy, dark, Lord of Light shit you’re all up to.

Stannis: Well, if you’re not going to accept my terms… why did you even come out for a parlay?

Cortnay: Because there is nothing on TV and I was bored. Also, I have some terms of my own. Let’s settle this LIKE MEN. I challenge you to one-on-one combat. You win… then you get Storm’s End and the boy.  I win… then you FUCK OFF.

Stannis: Why would I risk LOSING a one on one fight to you when I KNOW that my army can win? I refuse your counter-offer.  I’d rather just storm your castle!

Cortnay: Interesting choice of words, Stannis. You will “storm” the castle, huh? Well guess what! This castle is named “Storm’s End.” So fuck you and you little storm, because it’s not getting through. *drops mic*

Crowd: OOOoOooooo! SNAP!!!!! Hey got you there, Stannis!

Stannis: *grumbles angrily*

And following the mic drop, Cortnay Penrose ride off on his horse. He looks so badass doing it too.

Alester: King Stannis! I beg you to reconsider! You could totally kick Cortnay’s ass in a one-on-one fight. It will save thousands of lives.

Stannis: I don’t really care about smallfolk and soldiers. Let them die. DAVOS! MELISANDRE! Come with me. I’d like to talk with you both in private.

And so those three ride off together.

Stannis: So… Davos. What do you think of all this shit? Think we should do some nasty shit like kidnap Cortnay Penrose’s father and threaten to kill him until Cortnay gives up the castle?

Davos: No. Being a dick like that will only backfire. Cortnay is too honorable a man. Don’t listen to Alester or any of those other dick knockers.

Stannis: Hahaha, sounds like you have a higher opinion of the man who defies me than the men who swapped sides and joined me.

Davos: I ain’t gonna lie, Stannis. I do. The people who joined you are straight up punk-ass bitches.

Stannis: See? That’s why I like you, Davos. You do not bullshit me. And you know what? I agree with you. Completely. Unfortunately, I need these ass-kissing traitors on my side to get vengeance and beat Cersei. So here we are.

Davos: By the way. You dropped that “Renly died” shit on me without much context. How exactly did that happen again?

Davos’s face looks towards Stannis as he asks the question, but he slides a little side eye towards Mel.

Stannis: Oh, I dream about his death sometimes. But my hands are clean. Whatever rumors you hear about me turning into a shadow and being in the room and slicing Renly’s neck open with a sword are total bullshit.

Davos: Uhhhhhhh… I never said anything about you turning into a shadow and slicing open Renly’s neck with a sword. What are you trying to say? Is that what happened?

Stannis: Ermm… uhh… no!

Davos: Uh huh. Sure.

Stannis: Look, Renly brought his death upon himself.  Now, since you’re giving me such frank and honest advice… how would you recommend we deal with Storm’s End?

Davos: I would recommend we not deal with Storm’s End at all. I say we take our armies and head to the REAL threat… King’s Landing! Cortnay Penrose is no threat to you. And once you depose that shitty Joffrey boy, the kingdom will be yours. Storm’s End and every other castle.

Stannis: Nah. Penrose will be dead in a day anyway.

Davos: WHAT?!

Stannis: Mel has seen it in the flames. Just like she saw Renly die in the flames.

Davos: Uh, I was just looking at him. He seemed perfectly healthy to me.

Stannis: The flames do not lie. The flames said if we came to Storm’s End, Renly would die and his forces would come to my side. Oh, also the flames said you were going to pull off an assist with this one.

Davos: Huh?

Stannis: You and Mel are getting on a boat tonight, and you’re going to sneak through the little cliffs under the castle. The same ones you used to use back in the day to smuggle onions and shit to me.

Davos: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Later that night, Davos and Mel are sneaking in a boat through a bunch of old caves under the castle.

Davos: I wish you were a bag of onions.

Mel: Whatever, I don’t like you that much either.

Davos: Speaking of a bag of onions, are you hiding one under your dress?

Mel: I don’t follow.

Davos: Suddenly you look pregnant. You didn’t earlier.

Mel: Yeah, well. I am now.

Davos: That’s not how gestation cycles work. You don’t just grow a giant baby bump suddenly.

Mel: THE LORD OF LIGHT DOES AS HE PLEASES.

Davos: *grumble*

Davos keeps rowing the boat.

Davos: You’re lucky the dark is protecting us. There are guards down here keeping a watch. But because the dark they can’t see. HAHAHA. Got you there, didn’t I, witch? I guess it’s not the Lord of LIGHT who is helping out.

Mel: On the contrary, it is actually the light that protects us. It is dark and so the guards have torches. But staring at the torches dilates their eyes and leaves them blind to see anything in the places that still remain dark. So, in fact, it’s actually the light that saves us. We are but shadows. Shadows cannot exist without the light to cast them.

Davos: Ugh. Well, this small talk isn’t going well. Let me just cut through the shit… Soooooo, you’re the one that killed Renly with some black magic shit, huh?

Mel: No.

Davos: Bullshit. I wondered who “rowed” you to kill him.

Mel: Rowing was not necessary. Renly was on land.

Davos: I know that. Hence why “rowing” was in quotation marks. I simply meant you probably needed assistance somehow like you do now.

Mel: Well, I’m not admitting that I killed Renly with black magic. BUT IF I DID… then I wouldn’t have needed an assistant. Because Renly was unprotected by magic. But this castle? This castle is old and has magical spells built into its walls. Which is why I need to be rowed to inside the castle in order for my powers to penetrate.

Davos: Unprotected? Penetrate? These allusions to sex are really piling up. Are you coming on to me?

Mel: No, of course not.

Mel then rips all of her clothes off, lays down, and spreads her legs before Davos.

Davos: WHAT THE HELL?! I mean… it’s not like you’re not nice to look at. But… you know… I don’t really have a pregnancy fetish.

Mel: No! I’m not coming on to you! Now grab the forceps.

Mel starts screaming and goes into labor.
Davos: Ah, I was wondering why we brought these. It seemed strange back at camp, but now I guess--

Mel: --UNNGGHHHHHH!!!!!

He briefly considers just bashing Mel in the head with the forceps and throwing her body in the water, but that wouldn’t be cool to this little baby. The baby is innocent and didn’t do any wrong. So he’s just going to help Mel give birth to this perfectly normal ba—

Davos: --AGHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! It’s made out of shadows! AGHHHHH!!!! SHADOW BABY! SHADOW BABY!

Mel pushes out a shadow that looks suspiciously like Stannis. It floats up into the castle above.

Davos: Well, I guess I’ll be having nightmares for the rest of my life.

ACoK 41: Tyrion IX

Tyrion watches as Myrcella boards a boat. She’s off to Sunspear, Dorne to seal the marriage alliance with the House Martell to ensure that they stay on Team Lannister for the duration of the war.  To protect her, Tyrion also sends along one of the kingsguard – Arys Oakheart.

Tyrion: Now Arys, remember not to get honeypotted by any Dornish girls while you’re down there.

Arys: Wait… what? What does that mean? Honeypot?

Tyrion: You know, when a cute girl pretends to like you. She seems like she’s really, really, really into you. But she isn’t really. She’s just pretending to be in order to get info from you.

Arys: Oh yeah. Like those Chinese spy girls that always get fat, white, middle-aged American diplomats to reveal government secrets to them?

Tyrion: Exactly.

Arys: Yeah, I’m a little more sophisticated than the average Kingsguard. No way am I falling for any of that. Besides, as a sworn Kingsguard I’ve made a vow of celibacy.

And so Arys goes along his way and boards the ship too.

Off they’re heading, with a small part of the Lannister fleet to guard Myrcella.

Tyrion: Oh man, I am not comfortable losing even MORE ships to head off to Dorne. Our armada is already in pretty bad shape. If Stannis attacks, we’re screwed. But still, it’s worth the risk because we need that Martell alliance.  Another two weeks… that’s all I need to make sure the city defenses are in tippy-top shape. Tippy tippy tip top. Tip.

As Myrcella sails off, the royal party (including King Dipshit, Cersei, Sansa, Tommen, the High Septon, Clegane, Bronn, and other random non-POV people you don’t need to worry about that much) head back to the Red Keep. Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth are there too.

Tyrion: Odd. Why would the narrator mention Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth? Are these characters important enough to mention now for some reason?

Who is missing from this whole parade though? Littlefinger!

Tyrion: I haven’t heard a WORD from Littlefinger since he rode off that morning to meet with the Tyrells. What happened? Did he get murdered on the road? Is he betraying us?  Are the Tyrells balking at our offer to marry Joffrey to Margaery? Ugh. I wish I knew.

As they head through Kings Landing, they are surrounded by huge crowds of people. The people do not look to happy with them. What with them all starving and living in filth since the war began.

Cersei: LET THEM EAT CAKE!

Tyrion: Uh oh. This is not going to go well.

Sansa: Why? I love cakes! Especially lemon cakes! So tasty! Why do people think that offering cake to a crowd is a bad thing? I’ll never understand that.

A woman runs up to them, holding a dead baby.

The Hound: Ugh. Another one of those Pro-Life activists. GET A LIFE, WOMAN! Roe v. Wade is like 40 years old. Deal with it.

Lady: LOOK AT MY DEAD BABY! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! MY BABY STARVED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF YOU SCUM!

Sansa: Oh, that’s so terrible! Maybe if we give her one gold coin that will make up for the fact that HER CHILD DIED.

Joffrey: Ugh. Whatever.

Joffrey pulls out one coin and throw it to the crowd, unenthusiastically. The lady doesn’t even get it, and people start fighting over it.

Lady: LOOK AT THE WHORE QUEEN! BROTHERFUCKER CERSEI! BROTHERFUCKER!

Cersei: Whatever, bitch. I don’t take criticism from poor people with missing teeth and dead babies.

And then, all of a sudden, a giant chuck of feces is thrown at Joffrey and smacks him right in the face.

Joffrey: WHAT THE HELL?! WHO DID THAT?! WHO DID THAT! I WANT THEM EXECUTED!

Tyrion: Whoa now, Joff. Let’s calm down and worry about getting the hell out of here first. We’re surrounded by a giant crowd of thousands of angry peasants who look like they want to kill us.  I think we need to de-escalate this situation rather than escalate it further.

Joffrey: CLEGANE!!! Go down and cut through the crowd! Start randomly killing people left and right with your sword!

Hound: Cool. That sounds sensible.

Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of de-escalating!

Crowd: BOOO! BOOO! WE WANT BREAD!

The angry crowd starts attacking them.

Tyrion: Oh SHIT, homeboys. We need to get out of here. FAST! Run for the keep everyone! RUN FOR THE KEEP!

And so their retinue begins to book it for the gates of the Red Keep. But the crowd is so thick, they get seperated

Joffrey and Tyrion make it to the Red Keep first, along with Cersei, Boros Blount and Meryn Trant.

Tyrion: What?! Where the hell did everyone go?

Joffrey: WHO CARES? SOLDIERS! I ORDER YOU TO START EXECUTING ALL THOSE PEASANTS NOW! I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR HEADS!

Tyrion then hobbles up and smacks the fuck out of Joff.

Tyrion: You stupid, fucking idiot!

Joffrey: They made fun of me and threw poo at me! That’s TREASON!

Tyrion: You set your dog on them and told him to kill them all. What did you EXPECT them to do? Where did the rest of our party go? You’ve probably doomed them all!

He looks around. Sansa is one of the ones missing.

Tyrion: Do you know what happens if we lose Sansa? She’s an important bargaining tool for our war with the Starks. If she’s dead—

Cersei: Boros, Meryn… go back into the crowd and find the Stark girl!

Boros: Nah.

Meryn: Yeah, fuck that. They’re going to kill us.

Tyrion: If Sansa is killed… Jaime is as good as dead. You’ll fucking do it or WE’LL KILL YOU.

Boros: You wanna bet, you little dwarf shit? Why I ought to—

--As Boros acts like he’s going to smack Tyrion, the gates burst open and The Hound charges in, holding Sansa in his hands.

Tyrion: *whew* We dodged a bullet there! Not that I know what bullets are, as this society is pre-firearms. I guess everything is good now. I mean, you know. Other than all those other members of our party who are missing like Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth. Which is I guess why those characters were mentioned earlier.

Tower Guard: Oh, Flea Bottom is also on fire.

Tyrion: Oh. Well then I guess everything ISN’T GOOD now. You know where Flea Bottom is directly north of? The Alchemists’ Guild.

Cersei: Who cares about the Alchemist’s Guild?

Tyrion: Uhmm… everyone should care. Remember? They’re currently in the middle of producing tons and tons and tons of Wildfire in preparation for our war with Stannis. Remember what Wildfire is? That unquenchable chemical that burns and burns and burns… nothing is able to put it out.

Bronn: Except for sand.

Tyrion: Yes. Except for sand, apparently.  The whole of Kings Landing would blow up if we set that off.

Cersei: You mean if we collected a WHOLE BUNCH of Wildfire in one place and set it on fire… the WHOLE CITY would blow up?

Tyrion: Yes.

Cersei: The WHOLE CITY? Would completely BLOW UP?

Tyrion: Yes. It would blow up faster than a Russian woman who turns 40.

Cersei’s eyes start twitching and she smiles.

Tyrion: Why is that making you smile, Cersei?

Cersei: What? Huh? Oh… nothing. Nothing. Yes. We better put out the fire.

Tyrion: Bronn and Hound, take charge and make sure to do whatever you can to make sure the city doesn’t explode. Meryn and Boros - I need you guys to take the Kingsguard out to ensure that a city-wide curfew is enforced. Everyone stays in tonight.

Meryn: Forget that, I’m not doing it.

Cersei: YOU WILL DO AS MY BROTHER COMMANDS, SHIT FACE!

Meryn: Oh SHIT! You’re taking his side? I just assumed if I was defiant and argued with Tyrion that you’d take my side because you two hate each other.

Meryn and Boros meekly walk away, to do as ordered by Cersei and Tyrion.

Tyrion: *whispering* And Shagga and Randy Savage, you go make sure Shae is okay.

Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH! I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR SECRET MISTRESS, SHAE THE PROSTITUTE THAT YOUR FATHER EXPLICITLY STATED THAT YOU WERE NOT TO BRING HERE, IS OKAY!

Tyrion: Damnit Macho Man, she’s supposed to be a secret. Shop shouting about her.

Later that evening, the fire has been contained and the city has not blown up.

Cersei: Damnit!

Tyrion: What?

Cersei: Oh, nothing.

Tyrion: So, what’s the damage?

Ser Jacelyn Bywater: Well, the High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield have been brutally murdered.

Tyrion: Ah! Cool. Santagar was the Master at Arms. I don’t even think he’s been mentioned as existing ever since Cat Stark wanted to see him in Book 1.  And Preston Greenfield? Talk about a meaningless, unimportant character. Why, he’s even less important than you, Jacelyn.

Jacelyn: HEY!

Tyrion: Sorry.

Jacelyn: But yeah, Preston Greenfield got MESSED up. We were looking all over for him. Looking for that White Cape that all us Kingsguard guys wear. We probably passed his dead body like six times before we figured out that his corpse was actually his. That white cape? Not so white anymore. Totally soaked in his blood. He was TORN APART. Butchered like cattle.

Tyrion: Oh wait… there was one other minor character that got mentioned… wasn’t there? Oh right! Lollys Stokeworth! What happened to her?

Jacelyn: Oh yeah, we found her too. Alive.

Tyrion: Great!

Jacelyn: Alive and gang raped by 50 men.

Tyrion: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Oh my god! This book series is just TERRIBLE  to women!

Jacelyn: Well, the book serious is sort of inspired by history. So really, history is terrible to women.

Tyrion: True. This city is about to explode. And I don’t mean via wildfire. I mean figuratively. I’m not sure if the Gold Cloaks can keep the peace.

Jacelyn: Look, I’m going to break down some truth for you, Tyrion. The smallfolk didn’t really like the Lannisters BEFORE today. After today? Well, now there is active and open talk of treason in the streets. And most of it is directed to you.

Tyrion: WHAT?! To me? What did I do?!

Jacelyn: Oh, don’t get me wrong. Everyone hates Joffrey. But they blame you more than him. They say that you’re an evil, twisted, dwarf puppet master that controls him. It’s because you’re a dwarf that they hate you.

Tyrion: Awesome. So everyone assumes I’m the villain because my physical appearance? GREAT! Even though I’m the person most looking out for the smallfolk and doing everything I can to save their asses.  Ugh. Podrick!

Pod: Yeah, I’m here, Tyrion! I’m a much less important character in the books than the show though.

Tyrion: Go fetch Bronn and Varys.

Pod: Sure!

And that’s the extent of Podrick Payne’s character development so far. No huge penis or anything.

Bronn: Whattup?

Tyrion: Shit is falling apart, man. I wish it was Tommen that was king instead of Joffrey. This is all that shithead’s fault for being such a little punk bitch.

Bronn: *sharpens knife* Okay, sure. I can kill Joffrey.

Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s not what I said!

Bronn: What? WHAT?! I was just reading between the lines.

Tyrion: I think you led a little too much.

Varys: I’m in this room too, but I don’t really do anything in this scene other than to say “take heart,” which then turns into a pun about asking WHOSE heart?

Bronn: Joffrey’s. Obviously.

ACoK 40: Daenerys III

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ACoK 39: Catelyn V

Cat and her entourage ride, nearing Riverrun. As she approaches and identifies herself, she sees Martyn Rivers, a bastard son of Lord Walder Frey.

Cat: Geez, I never thought I'd be happy to see a Frey!

Perwyn Frey: Hey! I'm right here and I've been traveling with you for several weeks. You know, I thought our friendship meant something to you, Cat.

Cat: So how is the war going, Martyn? We haven't been getting a lot of news lately, on account of us running for our lives to flee all of Renly's forces.

Martyn: Ah, well let me drop some plot updates on you then. Your son Robb has been kicking ass and taking names. He won a great victory at the Battle of Oxcross, and his men killed Ser Stafford Lannister.  They say that his wolf, Grey Wind, sniffed out some awesome deer trail through the woods that was big enough for the Northern armies to sneak through to get the advantage on the Lannisters.  After they won the battle, they say Robb fed Stafford's heart to Grey Wind.

Cat: Gross. My son isn't a caveman named "Oog." How do these crazy stories even get started?

Martyn: Anyway, since then he's been pillaging the Lannister lands. Sort of an awesome type of revenge for how the Lannisters pillages our lands here.

Cat: Oh, sweet. This is all fantastic to hear about. 

Martyn: Well, it's not all good news, m'lady. Apparently Tywin Lannister has had enough of all this shit and he's finally left Harrenhal. We believe he's marching towards Riverrun and he could be here in about 3 or 4 days.

Cat: Oh shit! That's not good at all. We need to get back to Riverrun, ASAP!

And so they book it towards Riverrun. Still, it's a bit away and they make camp for the night. 

As everyone goes to sleep, Cat catches Brienne trying to sneak away. 

Cat: What are you doing?

Brienne: Leaving.

Cat: And going where? Are you just trying to head back to exactly where you fled from?

Brienne: Yes! I must kill Stannis Baratheon for killing my dear Renly.

Cat: Girl, you must be as dumb as you are ugly. I had you running away from that direction for a reason. You're going to get yourself killed.

Brienne: I MUST KILL STANNIS! With Renly dead, it's my life's only purpose now.

Cat: What if I give you a new purpose? What if you serve me instead?

Brienne: Okay.

Cat: Damn. That was a lot easier than I thought. Girl, you will flip allegiances on the turn of a dime.

And so they continue on to Riverrun the next day. It looks like the bannermen have all been recalled, ready to hold their ground and face Tywin's attack here. As they come up to the draw bridge to enter, they see a lot of dead Lannister men hanging from the city walls. 

Cat: SHIT. What has my brother Edmure been up to? Executing Lannister hostages? I hope Jaime isn't one of them. If that dumb-shit brother of mine killed Jamie, then my daughters in Kings Landing are as good as dead too.

She enters, and rushes up to find her brother.

Edmure: Well, I'm glad to see your alive. 

Cat: Yeah, did you hear about that crazy shit that happened down where I was at... with Renly dying and everything?

Edmure: Yes, I heard. I almost didn't believe it, but now you've confirmed that to be true. We also got messages from Storm's End, where Courtney Penrose has offered allegiance to whoever helps him escape Stanni's siege along with Robert Baratheon's bastard son, Edric Storm.

Cat: Wow, what would Stannis want with Robert's bastard?

Edmure: *shrugs* Doesn't matter. We're soon to be under siege here by Lord Tywin. We couldn't help them if we wanted.

Cat: Oh, and by the way... meet this new stray I picked up while I was down by Storm's End. Her name is Brienne of Tarth. She used to be Renly's Rainbow Guard. You know, when Renly was alive.

Edmure: Yo.

Brienne: Whattup?

Edmure: So what's with all these rumors I hear? Some are saying YOU helped kill Renly.

Brienne: RENLY WAS KILLED BY THE SHADOW OF STANNIS BARATHEON!

Edmure: You know you sound like a crazy person when you say that, right?

Brienne: Kind of.

Edmure: And you witnessed this yourself?

Brienne: Not really actually. It's Cat who saw it and told me. I sort of just believe her.

Edmure: Sister - is this true?

Cat: It's what I saw, Edmure. And I wasn't dropping acid either. Stannis killed Renly with some sort of black magic shit.  He's hanging out with this red witch now.

Edmure: Crazy.

Cat: So who are these dead Lannisters on the wall?

Edmure: Oh, so check this out.  Remember how we sent Ser Cleos Frey to Kings Landing to deliver our terms for peace? Well, he came back with a counter-offer from the Imp. Of course the terms were absolute shit that we couldn't agree to.  But he also came back with this supposed elite A-Team of guys in disguise as regular Lannister soldiers. These were, like, mummers from the East or something with specialized Oceans 11 bank heist skills. Only their heist this time was Jamie Lannister. They killed some of our guards and broke Jaime free. They almost got away with it too. But my men finally captured them and killed them all. So those are the guys you see hanging on the wall.

Cat: And Jaime himself?

Edmure: Don't worry, sis. We kept him alive. I'm not that dumb. I know what kind of a big bargaining chip he is. He's down in the dungeon, along with Cleos Frey. Cleos claims to have had no knowledge about the plot to free Jaime. I don't know though. These fucking Freys, man. You can't trust them.

Perwyn: Hey!

Cat: Sounds like this plot is more the work of the Imp than Cleos. I'd bet anything on it. I saw the way he played my sister like a fiddle out in the Vale.

Edmure: Speaking of Freys, now that you're back--Robb has orders for you to go to the Twins and meet with Lord Walder to help him pick out his new wife.

Cat: Nah. I'm not doing that. That boy can pick out his own damn poontang. Our father is dying and I'm going to stay here with him. How is he doing? Let's take this to another room.

And so they go to talk in private. 

Edmure: Father is pretty much unchanged. Very sick. Never leaves bed. Catatonic, most of the time.

Cat: Nah, but what I REALLY wanted to talk to you about in private is this army of Tywin that is approaching. I don't think you're competent enough to take on Tywin on his own.

Edmure: Damn, bitch. Way to be supportive of your brother. Look, I've got this. I've been involved in several battles already.

Cat: Yeah, battles that you LOST.

Edmure: We've got a PLAN, Cat. A really good plan. We're well defended here, and I've had Roose Bolton's army team up with the remaining troops of ours that we had garrisoned at the Twins. He's going to use those men to re-take Harrenhal from the Lannisters. That will leave Lord Tywin trapped and surrounded by us - with nowhere to retreat.

Cat: I mean that SOUNDS like a good idea... but those men we had at the Twins were there to ensure the loyalty of the Freys. You know we can't trust them.

Edmure: Please, Cat. You were just traveling with Perwyn Frey and he thinks you're his new best friend. We have two Frey kids up in Winterfell that are "guests of honor," but Walder knows they will immediately become hostages if they do anything shitty. We have a marriage alliance between Robb and the Freys. And even Roose Bolton just married one of those Frey girls.

Cat: Oh really? Shit, I have been gone for a while. I didn't know about that Bolton thing.

Edmure: Trust me, Cat. These Freys are 100% on our side.

Cat: 100%?

Edmure: Well. 99%, surely.

Cat: If you say so. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go visit dad.

Cat takes leave of her brother and heads up to Lord Hoster Tully's solar, where she finds her father in bed. 

Cat: So pops... not dead yet, huh?

Hoster: Oh, my dear daughter! It's you!

Cat: Yes.

Hoster: You must marry Jon Arryn, Lysa! You must. I know you don't love him and that he's like 40 years older than you, but it's your duty!  I don't care if you love that wretched stripling boy!

Cat: Oh shit! My dad has lost his mind and he's confusing me with my sister, Lysa. Also, it looks like he's flashed back in time and he thinks it's the past and that Lysa hasn't married Jon Arryn yet. But who is this "wretched stripling boy" that dad is talking about? Was Lysa hooking up with some kid back in the day that I didn't know about? Wow. I wonder who that could be.

Littlefinger. 

Cat: Hey now, Narrator. You can't just burst in and say that it was Littlefinger. I mean you have no definitive proof of that. I remember she always had a thing for musicians. Maybe it was some musician.

No. Hoster Tully is definitely referring to Peter Baelish.

Maester Vyman: Lady Catelyn, your father is nearing his end and must not be bothered more for now. You must send for your Uncle the Blackfish and your sister to visit him in his dying hours.

Cat: Wow, sad. But I know Lysa won't come. Not even for this.

Cat leaves and heads to her room. After all this travel and drama, she needs to finally sleep in a feather bed tonight.  But when she arrives, she sees a bunch of Sisters of the Faith of the Seven standing by her door. 

Utherydes Wayn, Steward of Riverrun: Cat, these Sisters have come from King's Landing with Cleos Frey. They bring you the bones of your husband.

Cat: Wow, cryptic. Maybe instead of sleeping in a comfortable feather bed tonight, I should just lock myself in a room with my husband's bones and stare at them, crying.

And that's exactly what Cat decides to do.

Cat: Hey. That's not his sword!

Utherydes: No, that was not returned. Just his bones.

Cat: Creepy. He looks nothing like himself anymore. I don't see any of Ned in this.

Utherydes: Well, I mean it is bones, so why would you? That's not how bones work.

Cat: Anyway, I guess we can be happy for Queen Cersei for sending at least these.

Utherydes: You should thank the Imp, it was apparently he who arranged it.

Cat: Oh, one day I plan on "thanking" them all. I SAID, SARCASTICALLY.

Utheryde: Yes, because you want to kill them. I got it.

Cat: Now leave me be to cry over these bones! After, I want them sent on to Winterfell to lay in the crypt where Ned belongs.