ACoK 58: Davos III

Davos is on his ship, the Black Betha, as it--

Politically Correct Boatswain: --Uh, actually it's African American Betha.

Davos: Shut up! This is a fictional fantasy world. There isn't even such a thing as "America."

Davos pushes the Boatswain overboard to his watery death.

Anyway, like I was saying, the Black Betha approaches Blackwater Bay, leading into Kings Landing. The war is about to begin. The ship is in the second line on the right as part of Stannis's great fleet. The commander of the fleet is Ser Imry Florent, Stannis's brother-in-law.

Davos: *cough*nepotism*cough*

Davos thinks that the invasion plan is too rash. They haven't even sent any scout ships to check out the Blackwater first. But Florent wanted to invade as quickly as possible, and claimed that sending scout ships would give them away. Since the invasion of Kings Landing has been much delayed, Stannis was eager to attack as quickly as possible with the entire fleet.

Davos: I have a bad feeling about this.

As they cross into the Bay, Davos notices two newly constructed towers at both sides of the narrow point.

Davos: Hrm. Those towers appear to be designed to hold up a giant chain boom. And indeed, I do see a chain attached to both sides. But the chain isn't up. It's sunk in the water. Why would that be? The traditional purpose of a chain boom is to keep an invading fleet like ours OUT. But the boom is down and we can all pass.

As they get closer, Davos also starts to see the Lannister-allied fleet defending the city.

Davos: It looks pretty small. And a couple of their key battle ships are missing. Why would they not have their best and toughest ships here -- ready to defend Kings Landing against us?

Why indeed? As the Black Betha continues, Davos spots catapults, scorpions, and other weapons along the city walls. Soon, the attack begins. Arrows, pitch, and giant boulders are flung from Kings Landing towards Stannis's fleet.

Davos: Hahaha. They're going to have to try harder than that. Still, this feels like some sort of trap. At least that Red Witch isn't here though. Stannis sent her back to Dragonstone with Edric Storm and said he wouldn't need her help for this one. And anyway, if we won then the commonfolk would say it was her magic that won the battle. Good. I'm glad she's gone. I hate that bitch.

Soon though, Davos finds himself in the middle of the battle. A Lannister ship rapidly approaches.

Davos: RAM IT! RAM IT!

They ram it.

Davos: Okay, now let's get the hell out of here!

They back up. The Lannister ship sinks into the sea. Men fall off of it. Some are dead and sink. Others are alive, and also sink in their armor. The quick and the dead. War is hell. etc.

Davos: Okay, this battle is starting. And you know what I'm especially psyched about? How almost every single one of my  children are also part of this battle. That's right, my son Dale is commanding the Wraith. My son Allard commands the Lady Marya. My son Matthos is right here on the Black Betha with me. My son Maric is the oarmaster on the Fury. My son Devan is Stannis's squire and will go into the battle with him. Only my two small children, Stannis and Steffon, are not part of this battle. This seems like a sensible thing to do, right?

Then suddenly, Davos watches as a catapult throws green fire through the sky. It hits one of the Stannis-aligned ships and burns everyone in it to death.

Davos: OH SNAP! Wildfire? I figured they'd start using wildfire. Ser Imry Florent even predicted that they would. But how much of it can they really have, right? I mean not much. I'm sure all that stuff got used up in the last war.  Nobody makes wildfire anymore. There are few true pyromancers anymore. That's probably just for show to scare us.

In the corner of his eye, Davos then sees a Lannister ship heading right there way.

Davos: UH OH. They're trying to ram us now. TURN! TURN! TURN!

With just a few seconds left to spare, Davos's crew is able to turn the Black Betha so that the Lannister ship only scrapes its side, rather than ramming it. The two ships are now next to each other, just like in a pirate movie.

Davos: Hey everyone, it's just like a pirate movie. That means we have to pull out our swords, shout a lot, and board each other's ships!

They do exactly that. They have an epic and awesome pirate battle, with the two ship crews killing each other one-by-one. But which side will win? WHICH SIDE WILL WIN?

Davos: It looks like our side won. What with me being a POV character.

Davos's Crew: HUZZAH!

Davos looks around at the battle in the harbor. Stannis's fleet is doing quite well.

Davos: Yeah man, we're kicking ass. Maybe we're going to win this battle after all. I can see that we're defeating the Lannister ships at almost every single engagement. And look at that engagement over there now... which ship is that? Oh yeah, that's our ship, the Swordfish. It's about to ram the hell out of that Lannister ship over there.

Matthos: Which one, father? You mean that abandoned-looking one that's leaking all of the green fluid out of it?

Davos: Yes son, that's the one. The aband----whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa?  AGHHH!!!!! STOP! STOP! DON'T DO IT! STOP, YOU MORONS! STOP! NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

But it's too late. The Swordfish rams into a derelict vessel, full of that awesome, green wildfire juice.

The ships immediately explode. It's a GIANT explosion. Wildfire is thrown everywhere. And wildfire can't be put out by water. NOTHING can put out wildfire.

Pyromancer: Except sand.

Yes. Except sand, I suppose. So flames sit atop the water, and start setting every ship nearby on fire. And the people on the ships. And the people in the water.

The explosion is so large that the shock waveknocks Davos off of his ship and into the water. He struggles, nearly drowning, and swims back to the surface in an area away from the fire. He looks up and sees that his own ship is on fire. And that the rest of Stannis's fleet is also aflame.

Davos: Well, this sucks pretty hard. At least almost all of my children weren't part of that fleet. OH WAIT... THEY WERE!

Davos struggles to swim, and so he lets the current sweep him and take him away from the harbor. It's probably a good idea, as the current is also taking him away from all of the burning wildfire.

As he's swept out to near the entrance of the harbor, he notices that the chain boom is now up.

Davos: OH DUH. The chain boom wasn't designed to keep us out of the harbor. It was designed to keep us all IN THE HARBOR!

Davos watches as the few remaining Team Stannis ships which are not on fire try to make their escape, only be to caught and trapped by the chain.  Along with those escaping ships, a number of other ships from both sides drift listlessly to the chain, abandoned with dead crew. And ON FIRE. The fires from those ships set the other ships on fire. And now every single last ship in the harbor are clanking and colliding with one another, all on fire. The crews jump into the water. But the fires spread there too. And now those guys are on fire.

Davos has been swept by the water pretty far away now, but he can still smell it. It smells like a summer BBQ. But those aren't hot dogs and hamburgers cooking. Those are men. Including his children.

Davos: Wow, that's pretty dark, narrator. Pretty dark. 

ACoK 57: Sansa V

Sansa is in the royal sept of the Red Keep. She listens to singing as she looks out and sees Joffrey mount a horse, wearing ornate amour. 

Tyrion: What the hell are you doing here, Sansa? Stannis has arrived at last. The city is under attack! You're supposed to be with the other lady's in Maegor's Holdfast.

Sansa: Joffrey summoned me this way to wish him luck in the battle.

Tyrion: Well, we all know that is not necessary because Joffrey will be super far away from the battle and he's also an incompetent twat.

Sansa: Damn. Super far away from the battle? Because I was kind of hoping that he would get SUPER KILLED. 

Tyrion: Whatever. I should have sent your ass away with Tommen. Oh well. Didn't think about it until now. Adios, in case the city burns down and I never see you again because we're all dead.

Tyrion leaves and Sansa goes out to see Joffrey. 

Joffrey: Kiss my sword, bitch. It's my new one, called "Hearteater." Yeah. This is the sword I'm going to use to kill Stannis.

Sansa: Whatever, if you say so. What happened to your old sword? Oh that's right, my LITTLE SISTER beat your ass and threw it in a river. And speaking of my family, my brother really likes to jump into the heart of the battle. The middle of it. You should probably do that too. You know, go into the thickest, deepest part of the battle. Just think how heroic that would be.

Joffrey: Shut up about your brother, I'll kill him too!

Joffrey leaves and Sansa goes back in the sept to pray. The septon makes all sorts of blessings and prayers. But when the septon prays for Joffrey's safety, Sansa gets up and leaves. Which I'm sure was noticed by, like, everyone. 

Sansa arrives at Maegor's Holdfast where all the ladies are. Queen Cersei. Lady Tanda Stokeworth and her pregnant fat daughter, Lollys. Also this new maidservant of hers. Some girl named "Shae." Other women too, but who cares?

Sansa: A bunch of ladies and... wait... is that Ilyn Payne?! The royal executioner? The guy who cut off my father's head?! What the hell is HE doing here?

Cersei: Oh, you know. In case people start betraying us when we're under attack, we'll need him to execute them for us.

Sansa: Won't the guards protect us?

Cersei: What? These guys? Hahahaha... no. All the real knights are out fighting in the battle. The knights around here are sellswords and the dregs of the City Watch. They'll turn on us immediately if it looks like things aren't going our way. And since we're a room full of women... well... you can guess what they'll do to us. And by that I mean rape and murder. Not necessarily in that order.

Sansa: True knights would never do such a thing to women and girls!

Cersei: I repeat again, Sansa... you are SO STUPID. Are you waiting for those heroic knights from the songs to show up and save you? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHIT, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. Don't you know what happens when a city is sacked? Obviously not, because the singers don't make songs about city sacking. We have a dearth of good sacking songs. Now shut the fuck up and eat your broth like a good girl.

ACoK 56: Theon V

Theon is dreaming again. Just like the last Theon chapter opening. Theon is on a lot of melatonin or something, I suppose. 

In the dream, Theon is being chased by wolves. Which is a metaphor that I'm sure even the stupidest reader will be able to understand. Oh, the dream also has beheaded children in it. And of the Miller's wife chewing his dick off while he rapes her. Cool, huh? Oh no wait, I mean TERRIBLE.

Theon: AGHHHHH!!!

He wakes up, screaming. 

Reek: Oh, hi there.

Theon: REEK?! What the hell are you doing here? Why are you watching me sleep? That is super creepy.

Reek: No reason. Oh... I mean, uh, to report to you that your sister, Asha, has arrived and is waiting for you in the Great Hall.

Theon: Haha, nice. I better get dressed and meet her. But I won't do it too fast. Better to keep her waiting. You know why?

Reek: Because you're an asshole and a sexist? Because you are extremely jealous of her competence compared to your inadequacy?

Theon: Shut up, Reek.

Theon takes his dear time. He thinks about what he should wear. He puts on his crown. He thinks it looks a little rough, but he still hopes it will make Asha jealous. He then thinks back to all the people he had to murder. Not Winterfell people... but his own people. One by one, everyone who was part of his and Reek's killing of Bran and Rickon have been murdered. But why? 

Eventually, Theon moseys his way down to the Great Hall.

Theon: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.

Asha: Shut up, loser.

Theon: I'm the loser? Really? I took Winterfell, the capital of the north, with thirty men in a single night. It took you a thousand men and a month to take Deepwood Motte.

Asha: Riiiiiiight, it took me more forces and time to take a famous and strategic defensive post, guarded by elite northern fighting men. And it took you a shorter time to defeat an old castle defended by a cripple and a toddler. What a surprise.

Theon: Geez. Way to bust my balls. So where are all the men you're giving me as reinforcements?

Asha: Here.

She points over to the corner of the room. There are ten men. 

Theon: WHAT?! TEN?! I need much more than that! The North is mobilizing against me ever since the defeat of Dagmer at Torrhen's Square!

Asha: Well, you don't get any more than that.

Theon: How am I supposed to hold Winterfell?

Asha: Guess you should have thought about that before you seized it. Don't take what you can't protect, Theon. What you should have done is just destroyed Winterfell and moved on. You should have taken the Stark boys back to Pyke as valuable hostages rather than kill them. But you didn't do any of that because you're a moron with no competence and no strategy. So here you are, marooned in the far north and surrounded by your enemies who will have no mercy on you for what you did to those kids.

Theon: THEY DEFIED ME! THEY HAD TO PAY! Plus the Starks killed our brothers back during Balon's uprising. This is revenge!

Asha: Idiot. How about you just return to Deepwood Motte with me?

Theon: NEVER! Winterfell is my prize! I will hold it forever.

Asha: Whatever. I'm leaving.

Theon: Huh? When?

Asha: Now.

She leaves. On her way out the door...

Asha: Oh, and your crown looks stupid, by the way.

Theon: GRRR!!!!!!

Reek: Hello there, Sir!

Theon: Oh, you. I should have you killed like everyone else there at the Miller's place. Why haven't I yet?

Reek: Because the whole plan at the Miller's was my suggestion, Theon. I'm a very helpful person. I have many helpful ideas. I can give you more helpful ideas, if you need them.

Theon: Sure, why not? What you got for me?

Reek: Well, you know how Asha didn't leave you enough men? I can find you men. Lots of men.  100. Maybe 200.

Theon: Go on.

Reek: Give me a bag of coin and let me sleep with that kennel girl, Palla. That's all I ask. I will then use the bag of coin to recruit a bunch of sellswords from the countryside to help protect the place.

Theon: So you want me to give you a bag of coin and have you just leave with it under a vague promise that you'll come back with more men?

Reek: Yes.

Theon: Okay.

Theon hands Reek a huge bag of coins. Reek leaves. 

That night, Theon has more messed up nightmares. Nightmares about what he did to those two miller's boys that weren't Bran and Rickon. You see, since they were the same age as the two... the kids were easy to swap in. With their bodied flayed and tarred... nobody could tell the difference. All Theon had to do to keep the secret is start murdering everyone who knew. Bran and Rickon were never caught at all!

Every Reader: Duh, we figured this out a while ago.

ACoK 55: Catelyn VII

Cat Stark and Brienne of Tarth are sitting and having dinner at Riverrun. This is a SUPER AWKWARD and depressing dinner, because Cat has just gotten word from Winterfell that Theon Greyjoy has murdered her two youngest boys, Bran and Rickon. 

And to contrast with this extreme sadness, the rest of Riverrun seems to be pretty happy. The castle celebrates the many recent victories of King Robb and Edmure Tully.  Many are celebrating that Tully was just cast as the new Prince Phillip in Season 3 of The Crown. Not Cat though. 

Cat: I have become a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.

Brienne: That is so emo.

Cat: Sorry, I'm just really sad.

Brienne: Why?

Cat: Oh. Because two of my sons just got murdered.

Brienne: Oh SHIT. Sorry, I didn't know.

Cat: Yeah, I didn't want to bum everyone out. A raven just came with a letter. Only myself and Maester Vyman know. Theon Greyjoy, a boy who my husband raised as a son, brutally murdered them and stuck their heads on pikes.

Brienne: I don't know what to say. Uhmmm. How about "your sons are with the gods now?"

Cat: There are no such things as gods to let this happen.

Brienne: Wow, this book is rapidly homecoming quite the atheist anthem. We just had the Hound talk about there being no gods either.

Cat: My daughters Sansa and Arya are probably doomed too. I know when Robb hears of this news he will go up to Theon and get revenge. But I want to be the one to do it myself. I want to choke him to death and watch the life drain out of him. I also want to do that to Jon Snow too, even though he's innocent. I just hate him though.

Brienne: Oh-kay.

Cat: Oh, and another thing. I just sent a cask of wine down to Jaime Lannister. I mean to get him drunk and talking. Then I will find out the truth behind these Lannister plots!

Brienne: Convenient. Tyrion just interrogated Cersei, attempting to identify her culpability in plotting against the Starks. And now you're doing the same with Jaime. That's some quality storytelling that builds upon themes!

Cat: I will go visit Jaime at midnight. I want you to come with me too.

Brienne: Wait... we're getting Jaime drunk and visiting him at midnight while he's chained up? Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?

Cat: An interrogation.

Brienne: Oh.

So while Cat is waiting for midnight to roll around, she goes to visit her father, Hoster. But Hoster is in no condition to talk to her. He's pretty far gone and no longer lucid.

Brienne: It's midnight now.

Cat: Wow that was fast.

They head down to the dungeons to visit Jaime. 

Jaime: Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?

Cat: An interrogation.

Jaime: Oh. Because even though I don't find you that attractive, I'd still be up for anything. I mean I'd even go for that ugly bitch there.

Brienne: What?! REALLY?!

And thus begins the 'shipping. 

Cat: Just drink this wine. It's not poisoned. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.

Jaime: Screw you. I don't have to drink that piss. I'm a noble prisoner! I shouldn't be kept laying down in this dungeon surrounded by my own feces.

Cat: You brought that on yourself by trying to escape. You're an asshole and you will burn in the seven hells.

Jaime: There are no seven hells. There are no gods. If there were gods why would the world be so full of pain and injustice?

Brienne: Again with the atheism!

She gives him the wine. He drinks it. 

Jaime: Okay, now who's up for some truth or dare?

In Westeros, this is a rhetorical question. When challenged to play truth or dare... you MUST. 

Cat: Okay, I'll start. TRUTH.  Are you Joffrey's father?

Jaime: Yep. I'm the father of all of Cersei's children.

Brienne: Eww. You banged your sister? Nasty.

Jaime: Okay, my turn. TRUTH. Are my father, Cersei and Tyrion all still alive?

Cat: That's technically asking multiple questions at once, but I'm going to let it slide. Yes. They are all still alive as far as I know.

Brienne: MY TURN NOW! DARE! I dare Jaime to kiss me!

But Jaime and Cat just ignore Brienne like she's not even in the scene. 

Cat: TRUTH. How did my son Bran fall out of a window?

Jaime: I pushed him out.*takes a big gulp of wine*

Cat: WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!

Jaime: No you won't, because we still have your daughter as a captive.

Cat: Shit. You're right. So did you send that assassin afterwards to finish the deed?

Jaime: Technically it's supposed to be my turn again and I don't have to answer that. But no, I did not. I had nothing to do with that.

Cat: But Baelish said that it was Tyrion's dagger that tried to kill my boy.

Jaime: I doubt Tyrion would be involved either. Killing kids isn't his kind of thing. *drinks wine*

Cat: But Baelish told the whole story to me! It used to be Littlefinger's dagger but he lost it in a bet to Tyrion during the tourney on Prince Joffrey's name day when Ser Loras Tyrell defeated you.

Jaime: Oh, I remember that tourney. So how did Tyrion win a knife if I lost?

Cat: Littlefinger said he was the one who bet on you and that Tyrion bet on Loras

Jaime: How does that make any sense? Why would my brother bet against me? We're brothers and best friends. He always bets on me.

Cat: Well when you put it like that, now I just sound like an idiot for believing Littlefinger. Plus your story matches with Tyrion's story and you haven't seen each other since early in the first book so you wouldn't have any opportunity to coordinate on your story. Damn it!

Jaime: Okay. *drinks wine* You've asked too many questions. My turn again. TRUTH. What's up with Robert's brothers?

Cat: Stannis marches towards Kings Landing, ready to take on your son.  Renly is dead. Murdered by black magic shit. Stannis totally did it.

Jaime: Wow. Crazy.

Brienne: DARE. Somebody pay attention to me!

But they both ignore her again. Jaime takes another swig of wine.

Jaime: TRUTH. What side are the Tyrells on in the war?

Cat: It wasn't your turn, but now that Renly is dead I don't know the answer. Also, I want to use this moment to point out how much my son Robb is kicking your father's ass in war. He just took the Crag from the Westerlings. WESTERLING. WESTERLING. I'm just going to repeat the word WESTERLING now because it will be important soon. WESTERLING.

Jaime: He's using craven's tricks to win battles. Not cool.

Cat: Says the asshole who used a craven's trick to try to sneak out of here. TRUTH. Why are you such a messed up, treacherous piece of human shit, Kingslayer and Oathbreaker? Why have you forsaken every vow you've ever sworn? Why did you swear to protect the King and then murder him?

Jaime, now fully drunk from all the wine, has had enough of this "oathbreaker" shit. 

Jaime: OATHBREAKER! KINGSLAYER! FUCK YOU! Why do people always call me out on that? Why do people say I'm an asshole for doing that? Yeah, to tell the truth I am a bit of an asshole. But that was probably the one noble thing I did in my life.  Do you know what happened to your original betrothed, Brandon Stark? Yeah, you weren't supposed to marry Ned at first. You were supposed to marry his older brother, Brandon.  But Brandon went down to Kings Landing after he heard that his sister, Lyanna, had been taken by Rhaegar.  He wanted his sister back and to challenge Rhaegar. So you know what King Aerys did? He arrested Brandon and summoned his father, Rickard, to come down. There, Rickard was arrested too and Aerys accused all the Starks of treason. Did you ever hear how your betrothed died?

Cat: I mean I didn't really...

Jaime: He was strangled to death. He died slowly and in pain, in some crazy strangulation device from the east. As he watched his father being BURNED ALIVE by wildfire. All by order of King Aerys. A king who would murder hundreds of other innocent people in similar manners, because he was fucked up in the head. A sick, twisted murderer. This is the king that I stabbed. And everybody calls me these names and talks shit about me for doing it. Really? REALLY?! It's completely messed up that I'm reviled for probably the best thing I ever did in my life.

Cat: ...

Jaime: And you call ME oathbreaker? You say it's messed up that I slept with my sister? But she's the only woman I've ever lain with in my life. I love her. I am loyal to her and only her. Think about your own husband, Cat. Pious ol' Ned Stark. Not so pious though, huh? What with him having that bastard child. If anything, I'm less of an oath breaker than your husband.

Cat: Okay... THAT'S IT.  Brienne... give me your sword.

Brienne: Oh shit, it's on now.

Cat lifts up the sword, and motions it towards Jaime. 

CLIFF HANGER!!!!

ACoK 54: Tyrion XII

Tyrion is on his way to have dinner with Cersei, which is something totally lame and that he doesn’t want to do.  As he walks, Varys pops out of nowhere.

Tyrion: I should be shocked or startled, but I'm not. I pretty much always expect you to pop out of nowhere. It’s a regular thing.

Varys: Hey, check out this note we got from Winterfell. It’s from Theon Greyjoy. It says Bran and Rickon Stark are dead.

Tyrion: Oh wow, innocent children got brutally murdered. Nifty. Let me take this to Cersei and see how she reacts, because she is a sociopath that is probably in to that kind of shit.

He does as he promised, and takes the note to Cersei.

Tyrion: You must be happy, right? After all, you did want that Bran boy dead.

Cersei: It was Jaime who threw him out the window. Not me. I would have been happy if we threatened the boy by telling him "stitches to snitches."

Tyrion: Hrm. So you didn’t order any catspaw assassin to stab Bran to death?

Cersei: NO!

Tyrion: Interesting. Lady Stark told me that Littlefinger told her that it was MY catspaw dagger that was used in the attempt on Bran’s life. But it wasn’t my dagger. So I’m going around and trying to figure out who actually DID plan the murder. I figured you are Jaime were good guesses. What with Bran seeing you two do the horizontal mambo. But given that we’re having a private conversation together and you have no motive to lie given that you even lack context for my investigation… I guess I can eliminate you as a suspect.

Cersei: Ugh. Do we have to do another “mystery” thing like when Ned was trying to figure out the Jon Arryn stuff? Lame. Can we move on with the chapter.

Tyrion: Oh right. Well, let’s hope that Lady Catelyn believes that Theon Greyjoy is solely responsible for the murder and that the Lannisters have nothing to do with it. Or else who knows what she might do to Jaime.

Cersei: Nothing. Because I still have her damn daughter as a captive.

And so they have breakfast together. They talk about regular breakfast small talk.
Cersei: So, no news from Bitterbridge yet, huh?

Tyrion: No. Remember how we sent Littlefinger out of Kings Landing several chapters ago in order to go to Bitterbridge and negotiate with the Tyrells?

Cersei: Yes. I do remember it. Hence why I just mentioned it. Do you remember two chapters ago when Dontos was telling Sansa about some mysterious ally of his that had left town?

Tyrion: No, I do not remember that. And you do not remember it either. Neither of us were present for that chapter, and no narrative information has been provided that would lead anyone to assume that our spies know anything about Dontos and Sansa’s meetings in the godswood.

Cersei: Right. I know we don’t actually know about that. I was just bringing it up for the readers. You know. In case they hadn’t put two and two together yet.

Tyrion: Nobody is reading this who has not seen the show or read the books. So yes, I’m pretty sure the readers have “got it.”

Cersei: Now let’s argue about how neither of us trust Varys, and also talk about our feud over Tommen. What with us having different plans to protect him.

Tyrion: Yes. Let us argue about those things. And let us also argue about my plans to have the Hound separated from Joffrey. I need the Hound to lead some attack forces against Stannis’s armies.

Cersei: Don’t you think your plans to have the Hound lead fighting forces are somewhat misguided, given that another part of your plan also involves setting off fires everywhere? You know how the Hound hates fire.

Tyrion: *shrug*

Cersei: I do not like that plan. I want the Hound protecting Joffrey.

Tyrion: No. Joffrey will be safe with Kettleblack and Meryn Trant protecting him in the fight. 

Cersei: Joffrey shouldn’t be in the fight at all. He’s just a boy.

Tyrion: I know. He won’t actually be fighting. He will be in the back. The back of the back. Waaaaay back. But our soldiers have to see Joffrey out there. Our men won’t fight for our king if they think he’s a coward. Jaime would have done the same when he was Joffrey’s age.

Cersei: Yeah, but Jaime also wasn’t a little crying bitch like Joffrey is. So there’s that.

Tyrion: You said it, not me.

Cersei: Oh, and hey… I forgot to mention this to you. But I’ve kidnapped your girlfriend and now I’ve got her as a hostage.

Tyrion drops his spoon, mid-eating.

Tyrion: Uhhh… what?

Cersei: Yeah. That secret girlfriend of yours? You know… the one you thought you were hiding from me? The one you take great effort at night to sneak off and have sex with? I’ve got her.

Tyrion: DAMNIT!

Cersei: You sold Myrcella to Dorne and you stole Tommen away from me. Don’t think that you can keep getting away with shit like this and not have me get revenge on you. I bet you’re trying to get Joffrey killed too now. So that you can have Tommen rule in his place, obeying you. Which is a pretty good plan because Tommen is stupid AF and will pretty much do whatever the last person told him to do.

Tyrion: Cersei… Cersei… calm down now… let’s not be rash here. I would never want to harm my own nephew. Ever!

Cersei: Mmm hmm. Whatever, dick.

Tyrion: Can I have proof that my girlfriend is alive? Pretty please.

Cersei: Oh yeah, sure.

She snaps her fingers and her hostage is brought forward.

It’s not Shae though. It’s Alayaya. Bound up in chains and beaten badly.

Tyrion: OH… OH SHIT! Hahaha… oh man. I was really worried there for a second.  But then again, I guess that you were always meant to be collateral damage, huh Yaya?  I mean the whole reason we were using you as a go-between was in case I was found out that YOU’D be the one captured anyway?

Yaya: Yeah, thanks asshole. *spits blood out*

Cersei: Wait… you don’t seem as deeply wounded and hurt by me kidnapping your girlfriend as I thought you’d be.

Tyrion: Uhh… oh. Right. Sorry, I mean “Oh no! Please let Alayaya, my girlfriend, go! Because you have the right girl.”

Cersei: You can have her AFTER the battle. After I get Tommen back from you.

Tyrion: Okay. Deal. And you better keep her safe. Because whatever happens to her, I will ALSO do to Tommen. So if she’s beaten and raped…

Cersei: --Gross. I don’t know why you had to take the conversation in that direction, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Yeah, me neither.

Cersei tries to hit him, but Tyrion grabs her arm and bends it backwards. It snaps off and she gets an infection after a few weeks and dies. Fox then reboots the Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Cersei: NO! Stop it narrator! That doesn’t happen.

Okay, fine. But that would have been cool.

Tyrion: Now release her from those chains!

Yaya: Oh, thank you so much my dear… uhh… “boyfriend.”

She gives him an obvious friend zone kiss. The kind a girl gives a guy after telling him how much like a brother she is to him.

Cersei: That was a surprisingly chaste kiss. I’d think you two would show more physical affection towards one another.

Yaya: Why? I’m a whore. Even if I WAS the right girl... why would you think that any such relationship is based on mutual affection?

Cersei: Good point, I suppose.

Tyrion: ANYWAY, you will RUE THIS DAY, CERSEI!

Tyrion then leaves and goes back to his own bedchamber in the Hand’s Tower.

Shae is there, waiting for him.

Tyrion: Oh SHAE! Thank the gods you’re safe! I was so worried for you!

Shae: What? Why?

Tyrion: Oh, my sister said that she had captured my secret lover. I thought it was you. But it was just that black prostitute that I was using as a decoy. So I feel a lot better now.

Shae: So you’re saying that you feel good because a black prostitute is getting beaten and chained up as a prisoner INSTEAD of me?

Tyrion: Yes.

Shae: How messed up is that?

Tyrion: Yeah, I’m a bit more messed up in the books. Not a straight up "good guy." I mean I did just threaten to beat and rape my own nephew.

Shae: Kinky. So are we having sex now or what?

Tyrion: Yes. All this talk about molesting my own boy nephew and having an innocent woman I used as a decoy chained up and beaten for protecting me while still not selling you out has gotten me really, really, really in the mood for sexual intercourse.

ACoK 53: Jon VII

Jon: Hey, wow. That was really quick. Another Jon Snow chapter, super close to the last one? I guess we’re entering that “exciting” part of the book where everything speeds up!

Qhorin: Yeah, the last time that happened it was your dad having all those back-to-back chapters, right? You know, right before they executed him.

Jon: Stop being such a debby downer, man.

Jon: So anyway, where are we now?

Qhorin: Still on the Skirling pass. We’re stealthily sneaking through, trying to avoid detection by Mance’s army.

Jon: Oh right. By the way, I didn’t kill that Ygritte girl. I let her go.

Qhorin: Yeah, I know.

Jon: WHAT?! Then why didn’t you say anything?

Qhorin: I told you to do what needed to be done. And you did what you needed to do. It was in your nature to let her go, and so you did.

Jon: This is super confusing.

Qhorin: Look, I’m leading a bunch of men here, including you. To led men, you have to know them. And now today I know more about you than I did before.

Jon: *whew* I’m so grateful that you’re not sore about that whole, “I let one of our enemies go who will go warn Mance and ruin all of our plans” thing. That’s reassuring. Now let me tell you this story about Bael the Bard that Ygritte told me for some particular reason.

He tells Qhorin the story. I don’t need to repeat it here. Go back two chapters if you feel like you need to be reminded.

Qhorin: Oh yeah, I know that story. Mance used to sing it when he was a ranger.

Jon: Oh WOW, that’s right. Mance Rayder used to be in the Night’s Watch. I forgot that old people like you would remember him. You even used to be friends with him or something, huh?

Qhorin: Yep. Boy, he sure did love that story about pretending to be a singer and sneaking into Winterfell. He. Sure. Did. Love. That. Story.

Jon: Okay, we get it. He loved that story/song.

Qhorin: He loved that story a lot. I MEAN REALLY. It was his favorite song to sing. Deeply embedded into his psyche. Just be aware of that. For future reference. For instance, if in a later book, that very type of situation might also come up where Mance Rayder himself, the King-Beyond-the-Wall, also wishes to dress himself up and pretend to be a bard while infiltrating Winterfell.

Jon: Okay. NOTED. Although that sounds like the type of thing that would get cut from the TV show. Anyway, so why did Mance leave the watch?

Qhorin: That's the answer to the riddle. Because that's what an 8000 pound mako thinks about. About freedom. About the deep blue sea.

Jon: Wait… what?

Qhorin: Like Ygritte was telling you. You northerners are half-Wilding. Mance’s wildling was too strong to resist. He just wanted to be free. Like the sharks in Deep Blue Sea.

Jon: Can we stop talking about Deep Blue Sea? Thinking about that movie always gives me creepy, strange nightmares.

That night, Jon has creepy, strange nightmares.

Jon: See?

But not about bioengineered sharks. Nor about Saffron Burrows stripping her tight, rubber wet suit off and standing on it to protect herself from electricity.

Jon: Damn it! Dreaming about Saffron Burrows taking her tight wet suit off would at least be a good dream. Boy, they really had to force that plot point in order to make her strip down for no particular good reason. Although they still provided more of a valid explanation than when Alice Eve stripped off in that Stark Trek movie. That one still makes no sense at all. She just met Kirk like five minutes before and starts stripping in front of him. What the hell?!

ANYWAY, Jon dreams about direwolves. In fact, he IS a direwolf. But instead of there being six wolves like there used to be, now there are only five. They are scatted and lonely when they should be together. He howls and hears someone calling his name. He turns and  sees an old weirwood tree, with his brother’s face (but with three eyes).

Jon: OH SHIT! Hi Bran! In the books I have greenseer powers too? That is awesome. Why did they leave this out of the show? All the Starks should have these minor greenseer powers! This is sweet. I smell death and darkness!

Bran / Tree / Three Eyed Crow: Yes, the darkness. Now… open your eyes!

Bran touches him and Jon is magically transported into the mountains. He’s with Ghost… or maybe he IS GHOST! They can see the Wildling camp. They see thousands of Wildlings gathered. He sees giants and mammoths as part of their army.  And then Ghost is attached by an Eagle. 

Jon: AGHH!!!!

Jon is now awake again, and freaking out.

Qhorin: SHH!!!! Calm down. We’re supposed to be quietly sneaking through this valley.

Jon: GHOST! GHOST! Where are you?

Ebben: Stop being loud, man. You’re waking us all up. And worse, you’ll wake up the Wildlings!

Jon: No seriously. I just had this dream. It was so real. I was with Ghost. Or maybe I was Ghost. And I saw the Wildling army. I saw exactly where they were. And this eagle attacked us.

Dalbridge: Haha, your dreams are lame, Jon Snow. I always dream about Saffron Burrows stripping naked.

Jon: I WANT THAT DREAM!

Qhorin: No… wait… Jon. Tell me more about this dream of yours.

Dalbridge: What? Why? Do you actually BELIEVE that nonsense? You’re taking it seriously?

Qhorin: Yes.

And so Jon recounts the dream.

Ebben: A SKINCHANGER!

Jon: Huh? What’s that now? Skinchanger? What does that mean?

Ebben: You know. Like a person that can jump his consciousness into another being's mind.

Jon: Like in Quantum Leap?

Ebben: I suppose. Although I'm talking about jumping into an animal's mind, rather than into a human's mind in the past when an important and world-changing decision needed to be made.

Dalbridge: Does free will exist? What if all the important decisions I made in my life were really just made by Scott Bakula?

Jon: So wait… by "skinchanger," are you talking about ME jumping my consciousness into Ghost’s mind? Or are you talking about how there is somewhere else out there that jumped into the Eagle’s mind?

Ebben: Probably both.

And so they set out again. Soon, they find an eagle circling them.  Jon also finds Ghost laying in the snow. He’s wounded and bleeding, with cuts from the eagle’s talons.

Jon: OH NO, GHOST! And this proves my dream was real, people. Dalbridge, you owe me five bucks.

Jon helps fix up Ghost. Fortunately the wounds aren’t that bad.

Jon: Also, this makes me feel better about this whole “letting Ygritte go” thing. Because now instead of blaming me for the Wildlings finding us since I let her go… we can just blame this magical eagle skinchanger guy. That goodness we can blame our enemies using magic to detect us.  That way I get to avoid accepting any personal responsibility for my own actions that endangered us all because I had a hard-on for a ginger.

Qhorin: Well, Mance knows we’re here. We have to turn back now and flee. Or else we’re goners.

Dalbridge: I will go up to that mountain top where Jon and Stonesnake killed the Wildlings the other night. Give me as man arrows as you can, and I will hold off Mance’s army and slow them down.

Jon: BY GAWD, that’s a suicide mission, Dalbridge. You’ll never make it out alive!

Dalbridge: I… I know!

Dramatic music plays, like what happens in every movie where one person is left behind to die in order to ensure that the others get out alive.

Jon: But I guess you’re a minor character anyway, so we won’t really miss you. I mean I’m not sure if you were ever really mentioned before this chapter. I suppose since you’ll die and we’ll never see or hear from you again, now is your chance to let us know any important backstory or other items we should know about you.

Dalbridge: Well, I’m obviously a veteran ranger, posted at the Shadow Tower. I’m renowned as a great archer. Perhaps the greatest in the kingdom with the best eyesight. I’m nicknamed “Squire Dalbridge” because as a young man I was a squire for King Jaehaerys II Targaryen.

Jon: So you’re like an old version of Hawkeye from Marvel, huh?

Dalbridge: Yeah, I suppose.

A hunting horn in the distance sounds from Mance Rayder’s men.

Qhorin: They’re coming. 

Jon: Okay, bye Dalbridge!

They leave Dalbridge behind.

RIP Dalbridge 254 AC(ish?) – 299 AC.

ACoK 52: Sansa IV

Sansa: Well, the city is on fire.

Dontos: Yep.

Sansa and Dontos meet in the godswood, as you can see above.  As you can also see above, Kings Landing is on fire.

Sansa: Well,  this sucks.

Dontos: Stannis burned the godswood in Storm’s End. As well as the city’s Great Sept. These are terrible times.

Sansa: Ah, well fuck the Great Sept here. They can burn it too. Remember my father was executed here?

Dontos: Oh right. Anyway, before he left... my “good friend” who will help you escape from here promised me that he has everything planned to take you to safety when the time is right.

Sansa: Yeah, yeah. That guy. You know we haven’t really talked about that guy much. You have a secret friend who will help me escape, but you never explained who he was.

Dontos: No. I did not.

Sansa: But now you just gave a little more away. You said that he left.

Dontos: Oh. I did? I mean… erm… uhh…

Sansa: Which means that the person who is helping me out is currently NOT in Kings Landing. Although he was, until somewhat recently, in Kings Landing.

Dontos: Sure, I suppose.

Sansa: If there was only some character who fit that description. You know, like a major character that was in Kings Landing and was sent away to perform some sort of task. Only his current location is unknown.

Dontos: Indeed. If only there was some character like that.  Now let’s kiss!

Dontos tries to make out with Sansa. Sansa who is, I will remind you, a little girl that hasn’t even had her period yet.  Dontos is, of course, drunk. He’s always drunk. He’s pretty much late 1990s/Early 2000s Robert Downey Jr.

Sansa: Uhh… no thanks, Dontos. Get the hell off me.

She leaves.

She heads up to the roof of her tower, feeling all mopey and sad. Will Stannis’s army really come and burn the city down? And if he does – is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The Hound: Hey.

Sansa: AGH!!!! Oh… It’s you. You scared me. What with your hideous, scarred face and everything.

Hound: You weren’t scared of my face when I was helping pull you out of that mob that wanted to rape and murder you. Not necessarily in that order.

Sansa: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So thank you.

Hound: Sure. Sure. “Thank you.” What a load of BS. I get no joy from your thanks, little bird. The only joy I get is from killing.

Sansa: Ah, well a war is about to happen so I think you’re in luck.

Hound: But look at all these fires being set. What kind of coward fights with fire?

Sansa: The kind that has pretty good battle strategies, given that they are aware of the mass chaos and fear caused by fire?

Hound: SHUT UP!

Sansa: I think it’s just you who has a problem with fire and are all afraid of it. You know, what with your brother burning half of your face off as a child.

Hound: I SAID SHUT UP! I’m not afraid! I’m afraid of nothing!

Sansa: Right. Except for fire and your brother, you are afraid of nothing.

Hound: *grumble*grumble*

Sansa: And maybe the gods too.

Hound: Gods? What gods?  The gods that cause all this chaos and death in the world? The gods that allow rape and murder and pediatric cancer?  Yeah honey, I got some news to break to you. There are just as many gods as there are true knights.

Sansa: Sooo… seven?

Hound: NONE!

Later that night, Sansa is asleep in bed and has a nightmare. She’s back in that mob again. The crowd is attacking her. She’s being stabbed and murdered and she’s bleeding. Bleeding everywhere. She’s even being stabbed in the vagina too.

Dream Sansa: OW! Why would you stab me in the vagina? I’m all covered in blood between my legs! Nasty! Gross! OW! OW! OW!

Sansa wakes up from that horrible dream, because being stabbed in the vagina is an awful dream.

Sansa: *WHEW* I’m so glad that was just a dream. But it felt so real. It really felt like I had been stabbed in the vagina and that I was bleeding everywhere. The feeling of sticky blood between my legs was so visceral. Incredibly realistic. In fact, it’s almost like I can still feel it.

She looks down.

Her bed is covered in blood.

Between her legs.

Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Sansa gets up and starts running around, panicking.

Sansa: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! It was literally just noted earlier in this chapter how I was still a girl who hadn’t yet had her period. Now this? If they find out that I’ve had my period, then  they’re going to rush my marriage Joffrey. And then I’ll have to have sex with him. The guy who ordered my father to be murdered. I must find some logical way to get out of this situation!

And so Sansa does the only logical thing she can think of. She runs down to the nearby Kings Landing Exxon and fills a couple of buckets up with gasoline. She then douses it all over her room and sets the place on fire, along with her dirty clothes and bedsheets.

Her maids come into her room.
Maid: WHAT THE HELL?!

Sansa: NOTHING. YOU SEE NOTHING. AGHHH!!!!!

Hours later, Sansa is sitting in a chair before the Queen at breakfast.

Cersei: Well, that grand stroke of yours wasn’t quite the brilliant master-plan you thought it would be, huh?  Tried to burn your entire tower down in order to hide the fact that you had your first period?

Sansa: It seemed sensible at the time. What with me being covered in blood and everything. Blood is scary.

Cersei: You had nothing to fear about the blood, little one. It was only your first flowering. Didn’t your parents teach you about the birds and the bees?

Sansa: Oh yeah, I remember my dad said he was going to teach me about that. Then what happened? OH RIGHT. You locked him up in a dungeon and had him executed.

Cersei: *shrug*

Sansa: I just thought my first period would be… more… more… magical. With Unicorns and shit.

Cersei: Hahaha, no. We’re women. Now that you’re of reproductive age, the rest of your life is pretty much going to be pain, blood and screaming.  Anyway, you know what your first flowering means, right?

Sansa: *sigh* It means I’m ready to be wedded and bedded.

Cersei: You don’t seem that enthusiastic about that. And look, I know Joffrey can be “difficult” sometimes…

Sansa: --Yeah, don’t you hate it when you have a “difficult” fiancé who does “difficult” things like murdering your father? That’s so very “difficult.”

Cersei: Look bitch, let’s not make this about you. Let’s make this about me. Robert was never even around for my births. It was always Jaime who saw my children being born.

Sansa: Yeah, Robert wasn’t around for the conceptions either, was he?

Cersei: What was that?

Sansa: Huh?

Cersei: What did you just say to me?

Sansa: What did who just say to who? Huh? I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything.

Cersei: Yes you did!

Sansa: You must be hearing things. What with all that wine drinking.

Cersei: Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to love your husband. I never loved mine. But despite that, you will love your children that you have with him.

Sansa: Oh no, your Grace. I “love Joffrey with all my heart.”

Cersei: I can see those quotation marks around your sentence. You’re being sarcastic. You don’t have to be sarcastic with me, girl. Trust me. Stannis won’t want to hear that kind of thing either if he wins.

Sansa: The High Septon says Stannis will never win because he’s on the side of the wrong gods. And Joffrey is the rightful king.

Cersei: Wow, you are dumb as shit.

Sansa: Isn’t this chapter supposed to end with you making some metaphor about love being sweet but poison being sweet too?

Cersei: I think I was supposed to. But now I just want to end it talking about how dumb you are.