AGoT 58: Eddard XV

Ned sits in a urine-soaked dungeon beneath the Red Keep. There is no light. Only pee and straw.

Ned: Well, if I'm going to be in isolation all by myself I might as well have an entire chapter that is just thinking and flashbacks. It will be an interesting chapter, you know? Mix things up again. I can go back to my more standard chapters later since I know I'll have many, many more of them. After all, I am the main character!

Ned thinks about how deep these dungeons must be. They were installed by a long ago king, Maegor the Cruel. Supposedly the architects who built the Keep were all killed after it was completed so that its secrets would never be known. 

Ned thinks back to Cersei's "Game of Thrones" quote. He hopes that those characters from Pee Wee don't do that whole "Secret Word" thing again just because he thought about it. They never appear, so that's good. Still, he's depressed about being locked up. He wants to cry but he doesn't. Starks ain't no bitches. 

Ned thinks about how much his damn leg hurts. It's his own fault for being so foolish. Still, he hopes that he will be rescued. Surely Stannis and Renly will laugh war against King's Landings. And Cat and the Tullys (and maybe the Vale) will probably march from the down too to help out. 

Ned thinks about Robert and himself when they were younger. How did Robert ever wind up being so fucked up and terrible a king when he was once such a great warrior? Now the fat shit is dead... killed by a pig. Ned knows he should have told Robert the truth about Cersei. Why didn't he? Another mistake. 

A jailer shows up to give him some water. Ned asks for news but is ignored. 

Ned thinks back to the Tourney at Harrenhal... back when he was 18 years old. FLASHBACK TIME!

281 AC, the Year of the False Spring...

Ned is in attendance, watching the Tourney. It's the final round.

Mike Tirico: Well fans, the Tournament is down to its last two competitors, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen and Barristan Selmy of the Kingsguard. This is going to be a great last joust!

Shaq: Icy Hot!

Rhaegar and Barristan charge at one another. Their lances are ready and steady. One shall stand... one shall fall.  

*BAM*

Rhaegar delivers an awesome hit on Selmy.

Mike Tirico: SELMY IS DOWN! SELMY IS DOWN! There you have it fans, Prince Rhaegar Targaryen is the champion of the Tournament of Harrenhal!  And as everyone knows, the winner of the tournament is given a laurel made of beautiful, blue winter roses to hand to one lovely lady in the audience. Doing so declares that lady as the "Queen of Beauty."  And it's pretty obvious that Rhaegar is going to give that laurel to his wife, Princess Elia Martell!

Rhaegar rides up to the front row of the audience, bringing the laurel out. As he approaches his wife, she holds her hand out, smiling. But then Rhargar's horse trots right past her. 

Elia: WHAT THE FUCK?!

Ned is sitting there too and can't believe it. Next to him is his sister, Lyanna. Rhaegar hands the laurel to Lyanna and winks. 

Mike Tirico: I can't believe this! The whole crowd has gone silent! You could hear a copper halfgroat drop!  Rhaegar has declared Lyanna Stark, rather than his own wife, the Queen of Beauty. Incredible!

Shaq: Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.

Mike Tirico: Hrm, a good point, Shaq. The House Targaryen is represented by fiery dragons, and the House Stark generally associated with the cold snows of winter.

But then Ned's flashback takes a sudden twist. He reaches for the laurel and grabs it. The throns cut his hands and there is blood. Blood everywhere! Suddenly Ned is back in the Tower of Joy. 

Lyanna Stark: Promise me, Ned. Promise me! 

Ned wakens from his flashback. 

Ned: DAMNIT! Why do I keep dreaming about that?

It's another day now. Ned has been having these crazy dreams and been given water, with no food, for several days. He can't keep of track since there is no light. Time is meaningless to him. Many days ago (perhaps) he stopped asking for news from the jailer. 

And yet today, a new jailer arrives with a familiar voice. 

Jailer: Hi there, I'm somebody that you don't know at all. Yep, just some random person.

Ned: You're Varys.

Varys: Oh shit, that fake voice wasn't that effective.

Ned: Nope. So am I hallucinating again, or am I actually talking to someone real?

Varys: If you were hallucinating someone you wanted to see... then why would you hallucinate me?

Ned: Hrm, good point. So why are you here, Captain No Balls?

Varys: I come to bring you news. Arya has escaped. No one has been able to find her. Sansa is well, but kept prisoner by Cersei's men. She pleaded for your life. You should have seen it. She is quite a brave young thing.

Ned: Cersei will not kill me. Not while my wife holds her brother, the Imp!

Varys: Yeah, not so much anymore. She let him slip out of her hands. He's probably dead now anyway. My birds tell me he was sent off with a sellsword to travel the roads infested by the Moon Clans. Nobody could survive that!

Ned: I don't know why you come in here and tell me all this stuff like you're "on my side." You did nothing when my soldiers were slaughtered.

Varys: What could I do? Fight the Lannister soldiers myself? I play my part. It is better that I am an informant than a cowardly soldier.

Ned: So you gonna free me then or what?

Varys: Of course not. If I did... then I'd be a prime suspect.

Ned: Will you at least send a message for me then?

Varys: Depends what the message is. And if it serves my purposes.

Ned: Fuck, you really are a political realist, huh? So what is your "purpose?"

Varys: My purpose is what it always has been... PEACE! Peace for the realm. I struggled to protect King Robert from his enemies for fifteen years. And now I have failed to protect him from his own "friends." Tell me, what madness inspired you to try to tell the Queen you knew about her "secret?"

Ned: Oh fuck... it's obviously not that much of a secret. You, Littlefinger, Jon Arryn, and every fucking one else seem to know about it already.  Anyway... it was a madness called "mercy." You see, I was going to tell the King. So I warned the King. Surely Robert would have killed her and the children. Her? I don't give a fuck about. But those children are innocent.

Varys: Ah, I see. I forget that there are honest men in the world because they are so few. And now that I see what happens to honest people like you... I know why.

Ned: So was Robert murdered by Cersei? Was Lancel Lannister given orders?

Varys: Lancel was told that the wine was the King's favorite and to give it to him as much as he wanted. If it wasn't the boar that killed Robert... it would have been something else sooner or later. Probably sooner. She needed him out of the way to deal with Stannis and Renly. You should have taken up Littlefinger on his plan to support Cersei.

Ned: SHIT! You know about THAT TOO? Is the Tower of the Hand bugged or something? How does everyone in this place know about all of my shit? Man, I should have fucking never taken this job.

Varys: One last bit of news for you, Ned. The Queen plans to visit you tomorrow. Does she fear you? Yes. But she fears other men more. Men with armies who come marching her way. Stannis will kill her and her children just as Robert would have. She is willing to make a deal. A tame wolf is worth more to her than a dead one. Admit your treason. Bend the knee to Joffrey. Order your sob Robb to put down his swords and return home. Denounce Stannis and Renly as usurpers. Carry Cersei's secret  to the grave. Then you will be pardoned and allowed to take up the black and serve in the Knight's Watch for the rest of your days.

Ned: Oh wow! My nephew, Jon Snow, is up on the Wall! We could totally hang out. I promised to tell him about his mother and I still need to do that.

Varys: Wait... did you say nephew? I thought he was your bastard son.

Ned: SON! YES! I SAID SON!

Varys: I'm pretty sure you said, "nephew."

Ned: NO. I said "son." I very distinctly remember that. You must have something wrong with your ears. Anyway, it would be cool to see him again... but my answer is NO. My honor is more important to me than my life. I won't lie and say Joffrey is King. He's a little incest baby. That's exactly the same shitty thing that Littlefinger told me to do. You're obviously Littlefinger's bitch.

Varys: Littlefinger's bitch? Oh no, Ned. I give Littlefinger enough information to make him THINK I am loyal to him. Just like I give the Queen enough information to make her THINK I am loyal to her.

Ned: Then who do you REALLY serve?

Varys: Why, I serve the realm!

Ned: That's such a bullshit answer.

Varys: Still, you must make your choice. And remember when you try to balance your honor and your life that it is not only YOUR life that hangs in the balance. Your daughter Sansa is held by the Queen!

Ned: Don't bring my daughter into this!

Varys: Too late. She's already in this. The next time someone comes to visit you they can bring you food, water and milk of the poppy for the pain. Or they can bring you Sansa's head. The choice is yours.

A chorus of everyone in the universe cheers for Ned to pick the "Sansa's head" thing. Because Sansa is the worst.

Ned: Odd. Did you hear something?

Varys: Probably just in your head since you're going crazy down here in the dungeon alone. But tell me this, Ned. Why is it always the innocents who suffer most, when you high lords play your game of thrones? Ponder it, if you would, while you wait upon--

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Ned: Oh, not this shit again.

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back into the darkness of the dungeon. 

AGoT 57: Sansa V

Fucking Sansa (ugh) Stark shows up to her first court appearance in front of Joffrey. She's now, by permission of Cersei, allowed to "freely" roam the Red Keep. And by "freely" I mean she's a prisoner who can't leave and guards follow her wherever she goes. Guards like Kingsguard member Ser Mandon Moore, who stands by closely. 

Ser Mandon Moore: Please, no need to be so formal. My friends like to just call me "Mandy" for short.

What? Really? 

Mandy Moore: Absolutely.

King Joffrey and Queen Cersei then arrive, to much pomp and circumstance. Joffrey climbs up and sits on the Iron Throne.

Joffrey: It is the king's duty to punish those disloyal to him. Grand Maester Pycelle, please read the ROLL OF SHAME .

Pycelle: Okay, well, I could just read this entire ROLL OF SHAME that names a bunch of lords that need to show up and bend the knee to you, your Grace. But really the point we're getting at here is Stannis, Renly, and the Starks. Which Starks? All of them. 

Joffrey: Even Rickon!

Pycelle: Indeed. And now that the ROLL OF SHAME is read, I will now move on to read the King's next decree.  In place of the traitor Ned Stark, the new Hand of the King is to be... drumroll please...

The court starts a drumroll on their thighs. 

Pycelle: --TYWIN LANNISTER!

Absolutely nobody is surprised, but a couple of people fake it. 

Pycelle: And next, the King decrees that his mommy, Cersei, will sit in place of the traitor Stannis Baratheon on his Small Council.  Also, Ser Janos Slynt will be on the Small Council and we elevate him to the title of Lord of Harrenhal. He and his descendants shall have all the ancient lands of the seat of Harren from now until the end of time OR until Chapter 8 of the next book. Whichever comes first.

This time, people around the court really are surprised. Janos was a commoner with no royal blood or rank. In fact, he's the son of a BUTCHER!!!! Hey look, nobody is hating on butchers here. But to now suddenly be elevated to Lord of Harrenhal (the largest castle in the seven kingdoms) is CRAZY! Everybody knows why... it's because he helped betray Ned Stark to Littlefinger and Cersei. 

Pycelle: And last, I decree that the protection of the King is of the utmost importance, given these troubling and dangerous times of war and traitors.

Cersei: Yes, and on that last point, I'd like to make a further announcement. Ser Barristan Selmy... please, step forward.

The Lord Commander of the Kingsguard steps forward in his white cloak, and bends his knee before the King and Queen. 

Barristan: Your grace.

Cersei:  You have served the crown well for many years, but now is the time to set aside that burden and enjoy retirement. You will see that we have drawn up a standard Severance Agreement on bond paper. Pay close attention to Section 2, the terms of your compensation upon termination. Make sure you are okay with the accrued obligations, equity awards, welfare benefit plans, and your right to elect continuation coverage of insurance benefits, by the extent required by law. In subsection (d) you will find--

Barristan: --I... I'm so confused, my Queen. What is going on? Only death may end the term of a Kingsguard! It is a sacred trust for life. I long ago forsake my ancestral lands that I was supposed to inherent and turned away my fiance because Kingsguard members aren't allowed to marry. And that bitch was HAWT. I have served three kings and--

Littlefinger: --Three dead kings.

Barristan: What does that have to do with anything?

Cersei: Lord Commander Selmy, I am afraid that Littlefinger does have a point. Young King Joffrey is surrounded by traitors and those who would harm him. He needs younger, stronger men around to protect him.

Joffrey: Yeah, good job protecting my dad, OLD MAN. You were supposed to do that out in the woods but you know what? HE DIED.

Cersei: The new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard shall be... *licks lips and touches herself*... JAIME LANNISTER!

Barristan: WHAT THE HELL?! You mean Jaime Lannister whose very name is a disgrace to the Kingsguard because he is the one member of the Kingsguard who ACTUALLY BETRAYED AND MURDERED HIS KING?

Everyone Else in the Room: *shrug*

Varys: Please, please. Calm yourself, Barristan. We mean you know disrespect with this. We all hold you in the highest regard. As a reward for your many years of service, we shall give you a plot of lands in the west with men, gold, servants and, you know... some hookers or something if you want.

Barristan: A giant house to die in and servants to bury me? THE HELL WITH THAT.

Barristan removes his white cloak and throws it on the ground. He then spits towards the king, whips out a pair of Bud Lites, smashes them together to open them up, drinks the foam off of them, throws them to the ground, and gives everyone the Stone Cold Steve Austin double middle finger.

Barristan: I am a knight, and I will die a knight.

Littlefinger: You'll die a naked knight if you keep disrobing.

Everyone laughs. Littlefinger is hilarious.

Barristan gives Littlefinger a Stunner (sitout 3/4 facelock jawbreaker) and then pulls out his sword. The rest of the Kingsguard get antsy and pull out their swords too. 

Barristan: Oh, there is no need for you all to worry. If I wanted you dead, you'd already be dead. I could whip you all. The rest of you Kingsguard members are all shitty weak sauce. I wouldn't want to serve with a bunch of cowards and pussies who would serve Jaime Fucking Lannister anyway. You can take this stupid sword and melt it into the throne with the others. I bet Stannis will really like the fact that the throne has an additional sword on it when he marches into Kings Landing and deposes this shitty boy.

The former Lord Commander throws the sword at the footsteps of Joffrey's throne and then walks out, his footsteps echoing through the hall. Everyone else is silent but nobody does anything. They don't want to get that Stone Cold Stunner like Littlefinger got.

Mandy Moore: Oh man, that was super embarrassing for Ser Barristan. I can't imagine a Kingsguard such as myself being treated in such a shameful manner.

With Barristan safely gone and out of hearing distance, Joffrey then does what he always does - act tough and strong when there is nobody around to actually challenge him. 

Joffrey: Who is he calling "boy?" I'm the king! I want that man arrested!

Janos Slynt: My men will have it done, your Grace.

Littlefinger slowly picks himself up, feeling for internal bleeding. 

Littlefinger: Good luck with that. I'm sure Selmy will kill, like, everyone you send against him.

Joffrey: And with Selmy dismissed, we have a vacancy on the Kingsguard. Do we have any volunteers?

Everyone in the room except for Sandor Clegane takes one step backwards. 

Joffey: Ah, Hound! Thank you very much!

Hound: What?! Ah, SHIT! Look, I ain't taking none of that knight "oath" shit and swearing to the seven gods.

Ser Boros Blount, of the Kingsguard: No! You have to, Hound. Members of the Kingsguard are ALWAYS anointed knights. Even Mandy Moore. You must have the magical oils rubbed on you and say the incantation. Which really makes becoming a knight sound a lot like becoming part of some 1970s sex cult.

Hound: Nah. Ain't going it. The King seems to be cool with that.

Joffrey: Does anyone else have objections to the order of the King?

Nobody says anything, because that shit they just did to Barristan was cold AF. Even Boros Blount holds his tongue now and doesn't object. 

Mandy Moore: Why I think the Hound joining the Kingsguard is great!

Littlefinger: Well said! By the way Mandy Moore, I think I dropped some Candy over there.

Everyone giggles. 

Varys: Watch your step, Mandy Moore. I wouldn't want you to Crush it. 

Mandy Moore: Huh? What? Where? I don't see it.

Littlefinger: Oh, never mind. I'm mistaken, Mandy Moore. It was In My Pocket the whole time.

People keep giggling.

Mandy Moore: I don't get it. Why is everybody laughing? Who are we laughing at?

Cersei: Oh, don't Cry, Mandy Moore. I know the confusion you must be feeling now is So Real, but Have a Little Faith in Me and everything will be fine.

Now the entire hall bursts into even lounder hooting and hollering. Joffrery cuts an arm on the Iron Throne, banging his fist against it as he can't control himself. 

Mandy Moore: I still don't get it. What? What is happening?

Littlefinger: Oh, I was just having a little jest with you, Mandy Moore. Can We Still Be Friends?

Mandy Moore: Sure, I can only hope. I mean why not?

Hound: HAHAHA, OH SHIT! Did you hear that? He said ONLY HOPE!

Now even Sansa starts laughing. She thought it was kind of mean, everyone picking on him. But now it's getting beyond crazy.

Cersei wipes the tears from her eyes and hushes the courtroom. 

Cersei: Okay, well that was fun. Do we have any more business for the day? Our new King is quite tired.

Sansa is torn. She really, really, REALLY wants to say something but she's afraid what might happen if she does. Still, as it looks like Cersei is about to end the whole thing, she finally and meekly speaks. 

Sansa: I would like to have a word with the court, your Grace.

She curtsies, politely. 

Joffrey: Oh, my beautiful betrothed Sansa, please come forward to me.

Sansa gets down in front of him and gets on her knees. 

Joffrey: What? In front of EVERYONE? Wow... it's good to be the king!  Watch these blades though.

Sansa: I BEG FOR THE LIFE OF MY FATHER! PLEASE! PLEASE! DON'T EXECUTE HIM!

Joffrey: Oh. Just that?

Cersei: Silly girl! Your father is a traitor. Are you a traitor too? Why would you want to protect him when you know he conspired against your dear Joffrey.

Varys: Ah, Sansa is but a young girl and does not understand what she is asking.

Joffrey: SHHH! Let my dear Sansa speak.

Sansa: Thank you, my Prince... ah... I mean, your Grace.  I do not deny my father's treason. I only beg of you to have mercy. He must have been TRICKED into committing treason by others like Renly. Plus his head wasn't right from all that milk of the poppy he was taking from his leg injury. We was talking crazy talk.

Joffrey: Well, how about this... if Lord Eddard confesses to his crime, then I know he has repented and I will grant mercy. Maybe sent to the Wall or some shit to take up the black.

Sansa: Oh yes, YES! Of course! My father will do so, I just know it! And I also know that you're the honorable type who will hold up your end of the promise! 

AGoT 56: Tyrion VII

Tyrion is leading about 300 mountain clans-people (aka West Virginians) on the road back towards the Inn at the Crossroads. 

Chella of the Black Ears: Me Chella see 20,000 men ahead. Way big!

Tyrion: Ah, well it must be my father's army. Sweet. We've finally arrived back to safety. Now time to go visit my dad. I better go alone though. I don't think he'd want me to show up with a bunch of clansmen. He's kind of bigoted.

Bronn: You'd think a bigoted person would get along fine with clansmen.

Tyrion: Hahaha, good one! But no... not that kind of clansmen.

Ulf: Me Ulf, Son of Umar no trust Halfman to go alone. He betray us!

Shagga: Yes, Shagga, Son of Dolf no trust Boyman either. We come with you.

Randy Savage: I don't trust this little Hornswoggle either. OOOOOOOH YEEEEEAAAH! 

Tyrion: Fine, fine. Whatever. One person from each clan can come with me. But the rest of you... try not to kill each other.

Chella: What? We no kill each other! We just have strong debates. We get together in council and discuss things. Then we come to agreement on all matters before making decision. It our form of government. We call, "democracy."

Tyrion: Sounds like a stupid, inefficient form of government that relies on the uninformed, gets nothing done, and produces transitive, horrible results. But who am I to judge? Anyway, let's go.

As they walk towards the Lannister forces, a captain recognized Tyrion. 

Captain: HEY! I know you!

Tyrion: Well, I'd hope so as you work for the Lannisters and I am a Lannister. And not only a normal Lannister... but an easily recognizable one since I'm a dwarf. So that's good.

Captain: Yeah, thanks. I am pretty good at my job! I'll escort you the rest of your way to your father. He's made his Headquarters the Inn at the Crossroads.

Tyrion: Really? The place where I got kidnapped! Hahaha, full circle!

They walk along and see lots of birds swooping around looking for carrion to eat. But Tyrion doesn't see dead bodies. What he does see are a bunch of burned and destroyed buildings. His dad has been absolutely wrecking the countryside. As they arrive at the inn, Tyrion sees the corpse of Masha Heddle, the innkeeper, hanging from a gallows.

Tyrion: Ho ho ho! That's what you get, bitch! You helped Lady Stark abduct me... a visitor in your own inn.

The guards let Tyrion into his father's room, where he finds Lord Tywin hanging out with his uncle (Tywin's brother), Kevan Lannister. 

Kevan: Whattup shorty? I never expected to see you again.

Tywin: I see the reports of your death are greatly exaggerated.

Tyrion: Good one! Mark Twain, right? Technically a misquote. Well, I'm glad you started a war for my sake. Pretty cool.

Tywin: Not by choice. We had to for the honor of the Lannister family. I can't believe you let yourself get kidnapped by a girl. You know Jaime would have never let that happen.

Tyrion: Yeah, Jaime's a lot taller too, in case you didn't notice that, fuckface. So how is the war going?

Tywin: Jaime has been tearing shit up. He's my favorite son, you know. He totally fucked up the armies of Lords Piper and Vance at the Golden Tooth, then he beat the Tully forces outside Riverrun and captured Lord Edmure. Lord Blackwood has fallen back in order to defend Riverrun, but I'm sure Jaime will capture it soon. The other river lords have run scared to protect their own lands. My army is picking them off one-by-one. Only the Freys and Mallisters are really left to oppose us, but that doesn't scare me. Do you know how likely it is Walder Frey will get off his old ass to come fight? NOT VERY!  The only threat is if the Starks or Arryns decide to join the fray.

Tyrion: I thought you just said Frey wasn't fighting?

Tywin: No, the FRAY. Not FREY.

Tyrion: I know, I know. I was just fucking with you, pops. Lighten up. Anyway... you definitely don't have to worry about the Arryns. I just came from Lady Lysa. No way is that mental bitch going to leave her little sky castle to join the war. She's too concerned about protecting her sickly son.  Oh, and I also heard that Ned Stark got arrested. Hahaha, crazy! I wonder how my sister was able to convince King Robert to do that. I'm going to guess anal.

Kevan: Uhh... King Robert is dead and Joffrey now reigns.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! When did this happen? Get kidnapped for a few weeks/months, and the world goes crazy! So I guess that means my sister is the TRUE ruler now, huh? No way is my dipshit nephew smart enough to run anything himself.

Tywin: Yeah, anyway son... great to see you're alive and have you back and all. And now that you're back I can put you in charge of a small force of men and send you to war. Hopefully you'll be smart enough to die this time.

Tyrion: WHAAAAAAA?

Tywin: Piper and Vance keep attacking Jamie's supply trains. Beric Dondarrion has also been attacking my army's forging activities. You and 20 men should go attack them.

Tyrion: Commanding such a small force? No, I must admit I had some help getting here. And I think I hear my help now...

The door to the room bursts open and Tyrion's Clansmen friends barge in. 

Kevan: Who the hell are these filthy savages?

Tyrion: Well that man there is Shagga. That one is Randy Savage. That one is... hey... look, I don't have time to tell you ALL of their name. But they are the various representatives from the warrior clans of the Vale. I found them on the way back. Can I keep them daddy? Can I keep them, please? I promise to feed them and walk them and make sure they don't poop in the house.

Randy Savage: TOO LATE, LITTLE BUDDY! THE MACHO MAN HAS ALREADY CRAPPED IN THE FOYER.

Tyrion: There are 3,000 more of them as well. And I've kind of already promised them weapons, armor, wagons, horses, silk, and Super Bowl tickets.

Tywin: Hrm, even a westerner such as myself has heard of the prowess and might of the Vale clans.

Shagga: This look like war council here. We clansmen sit on all war councils. It part of our system of government called democracy.  Who are you, strange bald man with mutton chops?

Tyrion: Ah, you haven't been properly introduced yet, have you? Clansmen... this is my father,  Tyrion Lannister. Lord of Casterly Rock, Shield of Lannisport, Warden of the West, Head of House Lannister, Defender of the Faith, the Last of the Mohicans, the Bard of Avon, the King of Rock and Roll, the Fresh Prince of Bel Air, the---

Tywin: --Okay, enough of that shit, Tyrion.

A messenger then runs in.

Messenger: Lord Tywin, we just got news that Robb Stark's army has finally left Moat Cailin and is marching south towards us.

Tywin: Hahaha, oh sweet! At last that idiot is coming right towards us. Walking right into our trap. After he's easily defeated I can turn my attention to Stannis.  And it would be great to have these clansmen join us in the battles against the Starks! If you do, you'll have all that's promised and more!

Randy Savage: What MADNESS is this? This old man promises to us what is already owed! I challenge him to a fight at Survivor Series! And you know the MACHO MAN will win! I'm the tower of power, too sweet to be sour, OooOOooo YEEEEaaaaaaaaaahhhhh!

Tywin: My apologies, it was merely a saying. Of course you shall be given all that was already promised. What I meant to say is how my own men are afraid of the Starks. So it would be great to have forces who weren't afraid. You know. Hint, hint.

Timett: TIMETT AND THE BURNED MEN ARE SCARED OF NOTHING! I WILL FIGHT THEM.

All the other clan representatives also agree how not scared they are. 

Tyrion: Oh wow, dad. I see what you did there. That was manipulative and sneaky as hell.

Randy Savage: OOOOH YEEEEEAH! WE WILL JOIN YOUR ARMIES LANNISTER, BUT ONLY IF YOU PROMISE THAT THIS HALFMAN HERE JOINS US IN BATTLE!

Tywin: Uhhhh... done.

Tyrion: Wait, what?

AGoT 55: Catelyn VIII

Cat Stark rides up to Moat Cailin, the ancient fortress of the First Men which guards the Neck. With her are Ser Brynden "Blackfish" Tully and the brothers Ser Wylis and Ser Wendel Manderly. When Cat reached White Harbor by ship, instead of continuing on to Winterfell she turned to try to meet up with her son's forces. The Manderly brothers are the sons of Lord Wyman Manderly - the Lord of White Harbor. Wylis and Wendel are fat. Like... SUPER fat. They would be the fattest people she had ever met if she hadn't met their father.  In fact, Lord Wyman is so fat--

Galbart Glover: --HOW FAT IS HE?

Thank you. Lord Wyman is so fat that the Wall was originally supposed to go through White Harbor, but they had to move it north to get around him. 

Robett Glover: Hahaha, good one!

Wylis: We're right here, damnit! Stop laughing at fat jokes about us, damn Glovers!

Wendel: Although I could go for an eel pie right now. 

Wylis: YES! Eel pies are so good!

Wendel: Although father always talks about one day making "the ultimate pie." I wonder what he's talking about though. He never explains further.

Blackfish: Uh, yes. Anyway... back to the actual plot of this chapter. Behold, Cat. Moat Cailin. This thing is an ancient deathtrap.

Cat: "Ancient Deathtrap." Band name? 

Blackfish: No.

Cat: Well, I think it's a pretty good--

Blackfish: --I said no.

Cat: ...

Blackfish: Anyway, I mean look at this place. It used to have twenty towers, but now all but three have collapsed. What good is defending the north in falling apart ruins like this?

Cat: My husband assures me that Moat Cailin is a most formidable fortress, despite how it might look. The remaining towers look over the only causeway across the bogs that lead north. To attack the towers would require wading through waist-high, lizard-lion infested muck and then climbing the towers while being attacked from the defenders of the other towers. Also there are ghosts who haunt this place, so there is that. Who could possibly win such an assault?

Blackfish: Uhh... Howland Reed or pretty much any of the crannogmen? Who just happen to be native to this very area.

Cat: Well, yeah. Duh. Of course the crannogmen. But Greywater Watch is sworn to House Stark which means they are on our side.

Blackfish: Good point. But who knows? Maybe Howland Reed is angry at the fact that HE STILL HASN'T SHOWN UP IN ANY BOOK DESPITE HOW IMPORTANT HIS CHARACTER IS. That could really set a man off and make him betray us. He probably has Lizard-Lions that obey him as pets. And how awesome do those sound? Lizards the size of lions? Why are they not in the TV show?

Roose Bolton: No, I don't think Reed would betray the Starks. I can't imagine any house betraying House Stark. Mwahahaha!

Cat: Okay, that's it!!!! Bolton... and you Glovers too... you're not even in this chapter yet since we're just showing up to the Moat now. You show up later in the chapter!

Roose, Galbart and Robett leave. 

Cat: Now where were we? Ah yes...

They walk up to the Gatehouse Tower and see the Stark bannermen. There, her son sits on a seat in the great hall, surrounded by all sorts of other men sworn to Winterfell. People like Halys Hornwood, Helman Tallhart, Jon Umber, Rickard Karstark, Theon Greyjoy, and... well... Roose Bolton and Galbart and Robett Glover. 

Bolton: You essentially just followed us like two steps behind.

Cat: Shut up, you.

Bolton: Rude. I'll remember that.

Grey Wind: *HOWL* (Translation: Hey look! It's mommy!)

Robb Stark: Shh doggo! What's your problem? What do you see over the-- OH SHIT, IT'S MOM! EVERYONE HIDE THE PORN!

Everyone hides the porn. The Lords then go up one by one to pay their respects to her. 

Theon: Holy crap, I didn't expect you to be here.

Cat: Yes, well, when we landed at White Harbor we heard about the army assembling so we came this way. Because I'm a terrible mother and apparently don't even care at all about the well being of my two most vulnerable children - a cripple and a baby - both back at Winterfell and largely undefended.

Theon: Hrm... Winterfell is largely undefended you say? Intereeeeeeeeesting.

Cat: Yes, I mean I sent away Rodrik Cassel to go up there and help out - but that's it. Anyway, he's gone now but here is Uncle Blackfish and some Manderlys too.

Robb: Hrm, good. I was worried that there was an Earthquake. Just Manderlys walking this way though.

Wendel Manderly: Ugh. We have to take this "fat" shit from that boy Lord too?

Bolton: So hey, what's this rumor I hear about you holding Tyrion Lannister as a prisoner? Because we could really use a hostage right now as a bargaining chip for these Lannister attacks.

Cat: Well I HAD the dwarf but lost him thanks to my moron sister.  But look, enough about all that. I'd like some alone time with my son.

Robb sends everyone away. Now they're alone. 

Cat: Ah, I missed you son. You look like you've grown so much older in the short time I've been gone.

Robb: It's probably just this sweet beard I grew.

Cat: You're still my child though! A boy of fifteen. You shouldn't be leading men to war! You were just sparring with a wooden sword less than a year ago.

Robb: Who else would have done it? I was the only one, mom.

Cat: You could have sent any of these men.

Robb: Yeah, but they wouldn't be STARKS. We roll hard! *fist bumps chest*

Cat: Ah, sometimes you remind me so much of your father.

Robb: What... you going to try to send me back home?

Cat: No, I couldn't do that... even though I might want to. If mommy came and sent her boy back home now, you'd never have respect when you're Lord of Winterfell one day.

Robb: Yeah... uhm... about that "one day" thing you just mentioned. It might be sooner rather than later. Did you hear about dad?

Cat: Yes. Word of the king's death and Ned's arrest made it to me. Quite tragic. But I hadn't heard about my girls.

Robb: Oh yeah, about that... I got a letter from a raven.

Cat: Holy shit... you know a bird that can write? That's amazing! We should take it on a travelling show.

Robb: No, no. The letter was carried via a raven but it was written by Sansa.

Cat: Ah, let me see.

Robb goes over to a cabinet and pulls out a crumbled parchment. Whatever was written must have made him very angry. He hands it to her and she looks it over. 

Robb: Two letters arrived at Winterfell, both in Sansa's hand and addressed to me and to you.

Cat cannot believe the shit that Sansa wrote. Bullshit about Ned being a traitor and Robb needing to come down and bend the knee. 

Cat: Sansa's hand wrote this, for sure. But these are the words of Cersei. Sansa is a hostage!

Robb: Yeah, and the letter doesn't say anything about Arya.  You know, I really wish you still had Tyrion so we could trade him for Arya.

Cat: And Sansa?

Robb: Huh?

Cat: Trade him for Arya AND Sansa, you mean of course. Right?

Robb: Oh yeah, riiiiight. Because she's not at all the worst. Anyway, without the dwarf I don't know what we'll do next. Please tell me that Aunt Lysa will help us out and have the forces of the Vale join our armies. I texted her, saw that it was seen, but got no reply back.

Cat: Nope. She's just going to hide there at the Eyrie with your stupid sickly cousin Robert.

Robb: Yeah, he sucks. At least he has a cool name.

Cat: Only one knight from the Vale is coming to help us. Fortunately it's the best one - Blackfish!

Robb: Also a cool name.

Cat: Don't worry about the men you don't have. Worry about the 18,000 men you do have. What is your strategy? What is your plan of attack?

Robb shrugs. 

Cat: Damnit! Stop being indecisive!

Robb: I don't know, mom! You just said it... I'm 15. I have no clue what I'm doing.

Cat: Well get a clue! Think about it. You know what happens if you go to Kings Landing and bend the knee. Cersei makes you a prisoner and we never see you again. You know what happens if you turn tail and go back to Winterfell. The lords here will never respect you. So you really only have one option - you fight and you win!

Robb: What happens if I fight and lose?

Cat: Remember the sack of Kings Landing? Gregor "the Mountain" Clegane and Amory Lorch scaled the walls of Maegor's Holdfast. Amory dragged the 3-year old Princess Rhaenys from under her father's bed and stabbed her to death. The Mountain then smashed the head of the baby Prince Aegon in front of his mother, Princess Elia Martell, and then raped and murdered her with Aegon's brains still on his hands. The same Mountain that is probably now riding through the Riverlands with the Lannisters and fighting his way towards us now.  That would be the gist of what happens if you lose.

Robb: Oh... I... see. So I guess I should try to win?

Cat: Ya think? So speaking of the Riverlands... how are things going there?

Robb: Jaime Lannister smashed the Tully forces at the Golden Tooth and is now advancing on Riverrun. Meanwhile, Lord Tywin's men came up from the south with an even larger army. That army ambushed the forces of Lord Beric Dondarrion that dad had sent from Kings Landing to bring the Mountain to justice. Raymun Darry and most of the men from Winterfell were killed. Lord Beric may have escaped, but nobody actually knows. There is a rumor that he's dead too. Now Tywin is marching north to Harrenhal.

Cat: Oh shit, that is like ten times worse than I would have guessed. So you're waiting for Tywin to march on Moat Cailin?

Robb: Nobody thinks Tywin is dumb enough to attack here. He's just going to take out the castles of the river lords one by one. And he'll do it too... unless we march south to meet him.

Cat: But this is a good defensive position! It would be suicide to march out to face two more experienced battle commanders.

Robb: Look mom, supplies are running low and we can't just sit here forever. And our men aren't seasoned soldiers - they're just fishermen and farmers. The longer we sit here doing nothing, the more likely they are just to turn and head home. We need to march!

Cat: Hrm, yes. I suppose. But where to march to?

Robb pulls out his giant Risk: Westeros board. 

Robb: Greatjon says to take the battle to Tywin. Others say we should march to your brother Edmure to assist the Tullys. I don't know which option is better.

Cat: Damnit son, what did I just say about being decisive? These men made you their commander... SO COMMAND!

Robb: Hrm... well... Greatjon thinks we can surprise Tywin. But I don't think Tywin could actually be that easily surprised. What I would do is split my forces. Have my infantry continue marching down the Kingsroad but have the horseys split off at the Green Fork and go to assist Riverrun.

Cat: You mean cavalry.

Robb: Huh?

Cat: Military forces on horseback. They are called "cavalry." They are not called "horseys."

Robb: No, no... I'm pretty sure they are called "horseys." Cavalry is that place where Jesus died.

Cat sighs and rubs her temples. 

Robb: Of course, this plan means that my forces are split on two sides of the river. And what man controls that river and its only crossing at the Green Fork? Walder Frey!

Cat: Ah yes, the "Late" Walder Frey. That 100 year old, untrustworthy bannerman to my father.  Although he is sworn to House Tully, he has a habit of not showing up to battle until he knows what side is going to win. My father never trusted him. Neither should you.

Robb: Nah, I'm sure he's a swell guy.

Cat: Son, overall you have an excellent plan though. I'm really impressed.

Robb: Thanks mom. I intend to lead the horsey force to Riverrun myself. And I'll give the Greatjon lead over the infantry heading towards Tywin.

Cat: Okay, see... I'm not trying to call you out or anything but Greatjon is a fearless man. But you don't want a fearless man to fight Tywin Lannister. Brave and fearless are different. You need someone to fight Tywin that is cunning.

Robb: Hrm... you mean like Roose Bolton? Yeah, that dude is SUPER creepy. If Tywin is even half as creeped out by him as I am... then that would be awesome.

Cat: Yes! See? It's not hard to decide things. Just stand up for yourself and make a decision and don't let anyone question it or push you around.

Robb: Good point. Now I'm sending you back to Winterfell.

Cat: NO! HOW DARE YOU! I'M GOING WITH YOU TO RIVERRUN!

She grabs his ear. 

Robb: OW! OW! STOP! OKAY MOM! OKAY! 

AGoT 54: Daenerys VI

Khal Drogo finishes his usual two minutes of sex with Dany. 

Drogo: Mmm. Yes. Good for you, Dan Ares Wife, Moon of my life?

Dany: Huh? Oh, I mean "YES! So good!" So... now about making sure your army gets on a bunch of ships and invades Westeros... it was foretold that our son, the Stallion that Mounts the World, will conquer the entire world. Well, Westeros is on the other side of the ocean and is part of the world. So you better get on that.

Drogo: No. World end at black salt sea. Our son no go. Me see YouTube video that say world is flat and end there. Fall off if you go more.

Dany: OMG, stop listening to Kyrie Irving. The only NBA star you should listen to is Shaq.

Dany doesn't know why she said that. Yet somehow she has been dreaming of Shaq a lot lately.

Drogo: Drogo bored by woman talk. Now will go hunt.

Dany: Oh yeah, because the last time a king went off hunting in this book it wound up going SO WELL for him.

Drogo leaves. 

Dany: Whatever. Maybe he'll be in a better mood when he gets back. Then I can convince him that we need to go invade Westeros and take back the Iron Throne. I can't believe these horse people who are usually so manly and tough are afraid of the sea.  I mean I can understand being afraid of water if you're from the Summer Isles, but--

Jorah Mormont: --WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Racist, Dany! Racist! The Summer Isles characters are the black characters in A Song of Ice and Fire. You're walking some dangerous ground there. Besides, wouldn't people from isles be used to water?

Oh yeah, Jorah shows up. Dany summoned him after the Drogo sex. Did I forget to mention that? 

Dany: Oh, don't lecture me Jorah. You're the one who was involved in THE SLAVE TRADE.

Jorah: I tried to sell white people though, so it's okay.

Dany: Look, I'm sorry for lashing out at you, Jorah. I'm just so sad. I keep hoping to go home. I don't even know what "home" is though. Is it Westeros? Is it here?

Jorah: I know what will cheer you up, Dany! A nice trip to the market!

Dany: So you're saying the way to cheer up a woman is shopping? I counter your "racist" with "sexist."

Jorah: Do you want to go to the market or not?

Dany: OF COURSE I DO, I'M A WOMAN! SHOPPPPPINNNNGGGGG!!!!!!

And so they go shopping.

Dany: I love this place! All the accents here! It reminds me of growing up in the Free Cities. You know I used to play in these types of markets when I was growing up as a little girl. We barely had any money but the vendors would still sometimes give me free honeyfinger cakes. Do they have honeyfinger cakes in Westeros, Jorah?

Jorah: I assume not, because I have never heard of that shit before. Anyway, if you'll excuse me. I need to go meet up with a Merchant Captain who has arrived here. He might have a letter from Illyrio.

Dany: OH! Illyrio? I love that guy! He's like one of my father figures. Can I come with you?

Jorah: Uhh... no.

Jorah goes off on his own. 

Dany: Hrm. Weird. Why would he want to do that by himself rather than... oh... wait... he's probably actually going off to visit a whore or something. That makes sense now.

Dany shrugs it off and goes around the market, shopping. They have everything here. Fruits. Jewelry. A "Spencers." She's pretty easily identifiable as the Khaleesi of the Dothraki, so she gets all sort of "free gifts" as she walks around. As part of the usual ritual, she gives the gift-givers medallions in return. Medallions being round metal objects. Like, you know, coins. So really... she's exchanging metallic coins that have value in return for "free gifts," which seems more like "payment" than "gifts."

Wine Merchant (speaking in Valyrian): Wine! WINE! Get your wine here! Have a sample of wine!

Dany (in Valyrian): Yeah, I'd like some of that! Ignore the fact that I'm pregnant.

Wine Merchant: Oh my! You know Valyrian?! What a surprise! I have no idea who you are! Here, have some of this wine. It's the best!

Doreah: How do you not know who this is?  Why this is Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men; Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea; Deputy Customer Communications Associate for AT&T; and Regional Operations Consultant for the Harold Stassen Republican Primary Exploratory Commission of 1984.

Wine Merchant: Oh, begging my forgiveness, great Khaleesi! This wine here is shit! Just the kind of crap I give to unsuspecting tourists.

He throws it away. 

Wine Merchant: I will get you a cask of our finest wine, yes I will!

The Merchant brings back a cask of wine, which has "Not Poison" written on it.

Dany: Oh, thank you! I know my husband will love this! He's quite an alcoholic.

Just then, Jorah returns.

Dany: Oh wow, that was quick. You must last shorter with those prostitutes than Drogo does with me.

Jorah: Huh?

Dany: Never mind.

Jorah: Hey Wine Merchant. That's a mighty fine looking wine you got there. How about you open the cask up and let me have a taste?

The Wine Merchant starts nervously sweating. 

Wine Merchant: What? NO! Have this other cheap tourist wine I initially tried to offer her. This wine here is fit only for princesses like the Khaleesi! Not for common soldiers like you.

Jorah: Oh, I INSIST.

Jorah puts his hand on his sword. 

Wine Merchant: You... you can't just pour this stuff out immediately. You have to open it and let it breath for a while Everybody knows that!

Jorah: I SAID POUR A GLASS FOR ME. In fact, pour two glasses. One for me and one for yourself.

Dany: Come on, Jorah. I'm not sure why you're being so persistent. I mean look, the wine has "Not Poison" written on it. Surely it's safe.

Jorah: If it's so safe, he should drink a bit then.

Wine Merchant: No!

Dany: Hrmmmm...... do as my knight commands you, silly merchant!

Wine Merchant: Yes, yes. Of course, Khaleesi.

The merchant begins to pour two glasses, but then half way through he throws the bottle at her and runs. 

Dany dodges the bottle but almost falls down on her pregnant belly. Fortunately, Jorah grabs her before any harm can be done. The Dothraki servant Jhogo then trips the merchant up with his whip. 

Jhogo: Like in Indiana Jones!!!

Given all the commotion caused, a bunch of merchant guards run up. 

Captain of the Merchant Guards: Okay, okay. What happened here? No wait... let me guess... this asshole here trying to sell poison wine to assassinate someone AGAIN? Geez, Jeff! When will you ever learn?

Jeff, the Wine Merchant: *shrugs shoulders comically*

Dany: Ohmygawd Jorah, you saved my life! But how did you know?

Jorah: Uhh... because the letter I just got from Illyrio. It warned me that King Robert had put a hit out on you.

Dany: Oh wow, so you really WERE getting a letter from Illyrio rather than seeing a hooker? Now I feel silly.

Jorah: Yes. Really. It's not at all that I'm a spy for Westeros who wanted to go away while you were killed... but given my growing feelings for you I had a change of heart to save you.

Dany: Of course not, it couldn't be that at all. After all, I'm a child and you're a grown man. If you had sexual feelings for me it would be super gross and any fans who wanted to 'ship us would be pedophiles.

Jorah: *sweats nervously just like Jeff the Wine Merchant*

Captain of Merchant Guards: Well, let's have Jeff delivered to Drogo and see what the Khal wants to do with him for revenge. It will probably be something pretty sick. I totally want to watch.

Dany: All this excitement and the attempt to murder me makes me tired. I need to go back and rest.

And so Dany goes back to her tent to lay down. She dismisses everyone except for Jorah. 

Jorah: Oh sweet. Alone time? I guess you really are grateful for me saving your life.

Dany: Huh? What was that you were saying, Jorah? Sorry, I was thinking. Thinking about that letter you received. What exactly did it say?

Jorah: Oh.. you wanted to talk about the letter? Damn it.

Jorah starts buttoning his pants back up. 

Jorah: Illyrio said that King Robert had offered a lordship to anyone who could kill you and your son or your brother.

Dany: Hahaha, epic. So since Drogo already killed my brother I assume that means that the Usurper will be giving Drogo a lordship?

But despite her outward laughing at the situation, Dany is really shaken. She orders Jorah to leave and stares at her dragon eggs. Somehow, inside of her, she feels like the anger this assassination attempt has created in her has "woken the dragon," as her annoying brother would say if his face hadn't been melted off-- 

Jhogo: --Like in Indiana Jones!!!

Given her feeling, Dany cooks up a fire and throws the dragon eggs in it, thinking that will mean they will come to life. What a dumb ass! 

Of course... nothing happens.

Later that night, Drogo comes back from hunting. 

Drogo: Hey honey. Drogo miss anything?

Dany tells him everything.

Drogo: Hrm. This piss Drogo off. For helping save my wife, Drogo give Jorah and Jhogo gifts. New Playstation 4 Pro. But that not only gift Drogo give. Drogo also have gift for Drogo and Dan Ares Wife's unborn son, Ray Go. Ray Go is Stallion Who Mount World. For gift Drogo give his son the Seven Kingdoms. This gift also have number of sub-gifts. Sub-gifts include head of King Man Robert who usurp Dan Ares's father. Sub-gifts also include my khalasar ride west on wooden horses to kill all men in iron suits and tear down stone houses.Sub-gifts includes rape all Westeros women, take children as slaves, and bring stupid Westeros gods back to Vaes Dothrak to bow beneath Mother of Mountains.

Dany: Awww, thanks sweetie! *bats eyes*

And so Drogo orders his men to ride west - towards the coast and Westeros.  The Wine Merchant, Jeff, is chained to the back of Dany's horse as they ride, being dragged along. 

AGoT 53: Bran IV

Bran is sitting on a turret looking through a telescope at the Karstarks arriving at Winterfell. Why is he doing that? Because he certainly can't be STANDING on a turret while looking at the Karstarks arrive, HO HO HO!

Bran: Okay, screw you, narrator.

Bran then goes into backstory exposition mode, recalling the history of the Karstarks (how they are descended from the Starks), how they were the last to arrive when his brother Robb sent out word to all of the North to assemble at Winterfell, and how he wasn't allowed to leave the castle ever since the incident in the Wolfswood. You know - the incident where they got attacked by Wildlings and Night's Watch deserters (including Osha).  Bran also recalls how he recognized the banners of all the dozens of damn houses pledged to the Starks as they each arrived in town. So many men. Fighters. 

Bran: Sweet. I always wanted to be a knight. How many knights are there, ya think?

Maester Luwin: Not many. 300 perhaps. Knights are blessed in the name of the Seven Gods and we here in the north follow the old gods. But a man's worth is not determined by having "Ser" in front of his name. Why, I think that a solider from the North is probably ten times as good as one from the Sou--

Bran: --Okay, enough of this shit. Hodor, I don't want to watch this anymore. I want to go to the godswood.

Hodor: Ah yes, an exemplary proposition, you budding young adolescent, you! I do suppose I know the itinerary to the godswood and will take you there upon my back henceforth so that you can engage in invocations to your mighty tree gods.

Bran: Ugh, I wish you could just say "Hodor."

Hodor takes Bran to the woods to pray. Summer comes along too. Along the way, he passes by a bunch of Karstarks who mock him for being a cripple. Bran doesn't care though. Fuck those guys. He'd  rather be out and called a cripple by losers than be trapped inside the castle. Besides, Summer also growls at some of the Karstark men and they piss themselves.  Bran finds that to be hilarious.

Upon reaching the magical tree god with the bleeding face, Hodor puts Bran down and Bran starts to pray.  Hodor then strips naked and goes to take a bath in a nearby hot spring. 

Bran: Dear tree face god, I hope Robb doesn't go off to war. I hope my family stays safe. I hope little Rickon stops crying like a little bitch. I mean when he first heard that Robb would be leaving he ran away and hid in the crypts. When men were send to find him, he slashed at them with a sword from one of those crypt statues and had Shaggydog bite them. That boy is fucking wild. Like a wildling. And wildlings are the worst. In "The Bell Curve," Charles Murphy said that Wildlings have smaller brains than regular people and are naturally less intelligent.

Osha: HEY! I'm right here!

Bran: What?! How did you get here? More importantly, why are you here?

Osha: Don't worry about that now. What you should be worried about now is another long, internal monologue where you go back and detail a number of past events which have happened in-between your last POV chapter and this one. First you should think about how you begged Robb not to go off to war but he insisted that he would have to, because that's what father would have done. Father would have never sent another man off to lead his war. Then you should think about how a number of the Stark bannermen were reluctant to bow down and support this young boy who was now Lord of Winterfell. You should think about how Greatjon Umber said that he would be a better leader than Robb, demanded command, and then drew his sword on Robb. Then you should recount how Robb then had Grey Wind attack Greatjon, biting several of Greatjon's fingers off. Then point out how ironically that made Greatjon actually MORE LOYAL to Robb and ready to declare that Robb was truly a fit and bold leader, ready to command. Then you should talk about how Robb and everyone else is really creeped out by that super weirdo bannerman, Roose Bolton. He gives everyone the heebie-jeebies. Especially because his banner is that of a flayed man. Because apparently that's what his house does to people. Or maybe it's just one of Old Nan's stories. Then talk about how men came back to Winterfell with the bones of Sansa's dog, Lady. And think about all the other Stark men who went South to never come home alive. And then think about--

Bran: --Can we just move on with the chapter instead of me thinking about all this shit? I asked you why you were here.

Osha: We Wildlings follow the old gods too, Bran. Not just you Starks. I was here to talk to the gods, just like you. And I heard the gods answer you back.

Bran: What? Really? I didn't hear anything.

Osha: They answered you back with the wind.

Bran: Well, that's a pretty vague answer. Do you have to have a solid understanding of Rossby waves and pressure gradients to talk to the gods?

Osha: You just need to learn how to listen right.

Bran: So what did they say?

Osha: The gods are sad. They say that they can't help out anyone in the south. There are no weirwoods in the south. They were all cut down ages ago. Your father is outside of where the gods can help.

Bran: These are some pretty weak and shitty gods then.

Another wind blows when Bran says that. Bran gets a sudden chill, and is somehow able to tell that the gods were saying, "Fuck you, Bran."

Hodor comes back from his bath, all naked with his junk swinging around.

Osha: Oh my, what a large..... uhhh... man. He must have Giant's blood in him.

Bran: Maester Luwin says there are no more Giants.

Osha: Well, Maester Luwin says a lot of dumb shit. Remember when Luwin said that HD-DVD was a superior format to Blu-Ray? Or back in 1999 when he said that Eminem would never be as big as Everlast? North of the Wall, men have sex with giants all the time.   Oh... sorry... I'm talking about sex to a little boy. That's kind of messed up.

Bran: Nah, it's okay. I see dogs humping out in the yard all the time. I'm crippled, not stupid. NOW PUT SOME DAMN PANTS ON, HODOR!

Hodor: Oh, my most sincere and utmost apologies, Brandon! Where indeed are my manners? Why I swear, I am oft so absesnt-minded!

Osha: There is worse beyond the Wall than just Giants though, boy. When men leave the warmth of their fires... sometimes they never come back. Or even worse - they come back as wights!

Bran: I'm confused... they use skin-lightener or something? Like Sammy Sosa?

Osha: No, not "whites," "wights!" It's spelled different. I mean the zombie people.

Bran: No... wait... I thought those were "White Walkers" or "the Others" or something. I'm confused.

Osha: Okay, so this is how it works... "the Others," AKA "White Walkers" are not zombies. They are another species. Like how the humans are a different species from the Children of the Forest and how cows are different from sheep.  The Others are not dead humans that come back to life. However, the Others have the power to TURN dead humans into zombies.  The people they kill and bring back as zombies are wights.  Get it? Others = Other Evil Species. Wights = Human zombies resurrected by Others.

Bran: Thanks. That clears it up. I think.

Osha: I told all this to Robb, but he wouldn't listen to me. And since he's like a 15 year old boy and I'm kind of a wild and freaky brunette with tits... I figured he would listen to me. Generally I'm exactly the type of person that 15 year old ginger boys listen to and obey without question. But not this time. Anyway, tell that Robb that if he's going off to war that he's going the wrong direction. He needs to go North!

Bran: Yeah, sure. I'll tell him.

But Bran doesn't. Not because he's a liar but because he practically never gets to see his brother. While Robb is helping to plan the war, Bran is sent off to go entertain the newly-arrived Karstarks.  He's bored hosting them and knows they're all making fun of him. 

Bran: Ugh, I hate this. I want to be a knight and go off to war, not sit here.

Luwin: Hey now, you can never be a knight but maybe you can be a Maester. You know they call us "Knights of the Mind!" You could forge your maester's chain in Old Town and become very wise and knowledgeable about many things.

Bran: Yeah, apparently not knowledgeable about Blu-Ray though. Anyway, I don't want to learn any of that dumb stuff they teach in Old Town. I want to learn to fly! The three-eyed crow in my dreams told me I'd learn to! That damn liar!

Luwin: Nobody can teach you magic, Bran. That's dumb.

Bran: Oh yeah? I bet the Children of the Forest could teach me! They use magic! Osha knows all about it. You should talk to her. She says Robb is marching the wrong way.

Luwin: Yeah, yeah. Whatever.

Two days later, Robb marches south and off to war.  Bran is now Lord of Winterfell. 

Bran: FUUUUUUUUUUCK!

AGoT 52: Jon VII

Ghost leads the Night's Watch Rangers to the dead bodies of two other Rangers.

Ser Jaremy Rykker: Hrm, these are the bodies of Othor and Jafer Flowers. I can recognize them easily on account of their pale skin and bright, blue, shining eyes.  No... wait a minute... odd... I don't remember them having blue, shining, zombie-like eyes before. Whatever. Anyway, they went out with Benjen and never came back. Ah, those were good memories. The fact that Benjen never came back is how I got promoted to become First Ranger myself.

Jon: Dude, that's my uncle you're talking about and I'm standing right here.

Jaremy: Sorry.

Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Yet this is only two of the men that Benjen took with him. Where are the rest?

Everyone else just shrugs because what the fuck are they...psychics or something?

Mormont: And how the hell did these men of the Night's Watch die so close to the Wall without us knowing? Look... Othor is even wearing his hunting horn to sound an alarm if he was in trouble. Don't any of your shitty Rangers patrol and listen for horns anymore?

Jaremy: Hey now, Lord Commander. Thanks for giving me shit and calling my men incompetent. I really appreciate it. But maybe you should think about the fact that we're completely understaffed and you yourself gave an order to stay close to the Wall and not go out ranging.

Dywen, another Ranger: Ho ho! Good one, Ser Jaremy! High five!

Mormont: *grumble*grumble* Okay, so how did these idiots die anyway?

Jaremy: Well, looks like Jafer took an axe to the neck.  And as for Othor. Shit man, it's rough. It seems to me as though like both his hands and his feet were bound to a chair with barbed wire. He was then forced to eat can after can of shitty canned spaghetti at a table until he passed out. And after he passed out, it looks like he was kicked in the stomach until he had an internal hemorrhage. And this note was left by him that says "Long is the way, and hard, that out of Hell leads up to light."

Jon: Dude, that's the "gluttony" murder from Se7en, stop fucking around.

Jaremy: It's just a theory of how he might have died, Lord Snow. Back off.

Dywen: Othor was known to carry an axe. And Jafer took an axe to the neck. Odd.

Jaremy: Hahaha... what a dumb suggestion, Dywen. What? You're saying Othor died and then came back as a blue-eyed zombie to turn on Jafer and kill him? Dumb!

Dywen: I actually didn't say all that, but now that you mention it--

Jaremy: --You know who else has axes other than Othor? EVERY SINGLE Wildling ever. And do you know where Wildlings live? Here, north of the Wall. If you ask me, this is the work of Mance Rayder, the King Beyond the Wall. Either that or perhaps some sadistic "John Doe" serial killer who wants revenge on all the Night's Watch by executing them in a manner consistent with the sins he deems them guilty of.

Mormont: I doubt it could be Mance Rayder's men. They would never come this close to the wall.

Jon: And for the last time, Jaremy... it's NOT that Se7en stuff, cut it out. I think there is a better explanation for who could have done this. It could have been... THE OTHERS!

Mormont: Which others?

Jon: You know... THE Others!

Dywen: I'm confused.

Jaremy: Me too.

Mormont: Yes, nobody is following you, Jon.

Jon: Ugh. See? This is why the TV show just called them "White Walkers" rather than "the Others." I'm speaking of the legendary undead zombie people from the Lands of Always Winter. Eight thousand years ago they marched down and created "The Long Night," a Winter that lasted for an entire generation, spreading fear and famine throughout Westeros. They were finally defeated and to prevent them from ever coming back we built this Wall and created the Night's Watch. You know.

Mormont: Oh yeah, right. Those Others. The very reason the Night's Watch was created. Yeah, I don't believe in them.

Jaremy: Yeah, nobody actually believes in the Others.

Jon: WHAT?! How can nobody in the Night's Watch actually believe in the Others? Our whole purpose is to defend the realm against them.

Mormont: I figured we were just some type of organization that gave everyone a false sense of security so they felt better... while not actually protecting anyone from anything. Meanwhile, our ranks are made up of the worst and shittiest members of society.  You know, we're essentially Westeros's TSA.

HAHAHA, ZIIIIING! FUCK YOU, TSA!!!!

Mormont: Anyway, if Benjen had been attacked this close to the wall, he would have come back to the castle to get more men.

Jaremy: Benjen has been gone for six months, sir. These bodies don't look like they've been dead for six months, do they? They only look like they've been dead a day or so! And don't tell me that it's been too cold for the bodies to rot. Just feel how surprisingly warm it is up here right now. They should have rotten by now. Most likely Benjen and his Rangers got into a fight far, far away from here. These two were the only survivors and were making their way back to the Wall.

Samwell Tarley, who was around the whole entire time but didn't want to talk until now, speaks up. He stutters when he speaks because he's a nervous, scared little punk. 

Sam: Actually, uhhh, l-look at the blood in their v-veins. It's all old and c-crusty like they've been d-dead for a l-long time.

Mormont: Hrm, good detective work. Glad to see that you're just fat and not also stupid. And yet they don't have maggots all over them like you'd expect for bodies that have been dead for a while. In fact, no animal will come near them. I mean just looks what happens when we try to make the hounds sniff them! Chett, send the hounds in!

Chett: Awww, gollllley geeeee! Come on now, ol' Velvet Ears! Go get'em!

Chett sends the hounds in, but they run away and refuse to get near the bodies.

Hound: *bark* [Translation: No way, man. Those bodies are cursed!]

Ghost: *bark* [Translation: What a bunch of wusses you Hounds are. Not only did I go near the body, but I tore a hand off and brought it back to my master so that we could play fetch with it and I could chew on it like delicious, delicious human jerky.]

Sam: Also, you'll s-see that there is no b-blood here. So they c-couldn't have d-died here. They must have been m-moved by someone.

Jon: Yes, moved by someone or MOVED ON THEIR OWN BECAUSE THEY ARE OTHERS.

Dywen: Okay man, this is freaky. This makes no sense. And these guys totally did not have blue eyes before. Let's just burn these bodies and go home now.

Mormont: No. We need to investigate further. Bring the bodies back to Castle Black and let's get a good look at them there.

They try to tie up the bodies on slings that the horses can carry back to the wall, but the horses will have none of that shit.

Horse: *NEIGH* [Translation: Nay].

Mormont: Well, okay, I guess you Rangers will just have to drag these slings back. Ser Jaremy, have your men search these woods up and down. Left and right. Perpendicular. If any more of Benjen's Ranger party is to be found... you must find them!

They begin to head back to the wall, with the bodies being dragged behind them.

Jon: Man, all things considered, it's surprisingly warm today. You know, just like Ser Jaremy alluded to earlier. Look at the wall, it's weeping water out of it because it's so warm.

Mormont: Ah yes, that's called the "Spirit Summer," young Snow. Unseasonably warm temperatures at the end of summer. It's a famous indication that... WINTER IS COMING.

Jon: Oh shit, you REALLY ARE trying to take the place of my dad and be my new father figure, huh? Speaking of which, I wonder how my dad is doing right now. Probably must be pretty good, right? I mean he is the Hand of the King and all.

They arrive back to Castle Black where Bowen Marsh, the Lord Steward, comes up.

Bowen: Ah, Mormont. Finally back I see? A raven has arrived. Better come read this message.

Mormont: Yeah, if you say so. Come on, lads. Lock up these bodies in the storage room while I go read our mail. Probably just bills and shit.

Yet Jon notices that all the men of the Night's Watch are looking at him all crazy. Some turn away, shuffle their shoes in the dust, and whistle when Jon makes eye contact with them. 

Jon: What the hell? Do I have a booger or something? Someone tell me what's happening!

But nobody does. Apparently everybody has read the letter that arrived. Bowen just shared it with everyone like a punk.

Jon: What? WHAT?! Hey! Pyp! Tell me!

Pyp: Uhh... the letter said that King Robert was dead. And it mentioned some other things too. Maybe you should just go with the Lord Commander and figure the rest out yourself.

Jon: OH BOY! King Robert is dead? That means my dad probably won't be the Hand of the King anymore. I bet he'll get sent back to Winterfell. He'll be so close to me now! I bet he'll come up and visit all the time. And then we can finally have that conversation about who my mom is.

Pyp: Yeah, uhh, so not to change the subject or anything... but what's up with those freaky dead bodies you brought back?

Jon: Ah yes, they were queer.

Pyp: What?! Jon, that's very bigoted. Look now, it gets lonely up here on the wall. Othor and Jafer might have messed around and had some fun... but we shouldn't judge them for it.

Jon: No, no... I mean "queer" as in unusual. Strange. Odd. There was something odd about the bodies.

Jon then leaves and goes to the Lord Commander's tower. Everyone is still looking at him funny. 

Jon: WHAT?! Okay... spill the beans!

Mormont: Sit boy, and have a drink.

Jon: Top shelf? I could go for a Johnny Walker Blue.

Mormont: Fuck no. You'll have a Dewar's and you'll like it.

Jon pours himself a drink. 

Mormont: Look, your dad has been arrested and proclaimed a traitor. They say he plotted with Robert's brothers to take the throne away from Joffrey. But look man, I got friends in King's Landing. And you know that I sent Yoren down there to get some new men to take the Black.  I think I can work a deal so that your dad can come here to the Wall rather than be executed.

Jon: What?! NOOOOOOOOO!!!! No way my father is a traitor! He's an honorable man and would never do anything dishonorable.

Mormont: You mean like father a bastard?

Raven: CORN!

Jon: That's cold, man. Cold. I can't believe my father will have to give up his lands and claim to Winterfell. such bullshit! Still, I guess that's better than death. You think Joffrey will agree to pardon my dad?

Mormont: He'll do what his ho mom says.  It's a shame that his Uncle Tyrion isn't down there. Now that's a sensible guy who would know what to do and how to reign in that boy king. Shame your mom kidnapped him.

Jon: Uh, that bitch Cat Stark is not my mom. So does the letter say anything about my sisters? Are they doing okay?

Mormont: No. But when I reply back, I'll ask about them. Now I don't want you to do anything stupid now that you've gotten this news. Those sisters aren't your real sisters anymore. You only have brothers. Your family is here at the Wall. You took the oath. And you know what happens to oath breakers?

Jon: Depending on their connections, family and social status their oath breaking is generally overlooked and they continue to succeed in life and even get promotions? Like Jamie Lannister when he broke is oath and killed the king.

Mormont: Fuck, I was going to say "they get executed," but your answer is actually more accurate. You're a bastard though and your father committed treason, so don't count on that for yourself then. Okay boy, you're dismissed. Like I said. Don't do anything stupid.

Jon: Of course not!

Mormont: And by that I mean like hold a knife to someone's throat if they make fun of your dad. Or to try to ride south to help out your brother Robb or anything.

Jon: I would never do either of those things.

Mormont: Okay, good then. WAIT... why was your left hand hidden behind your back? Were you crossing your fingers?

Jon: Uhh.... no? 

Raven: YES HE WAS. CORN.

Jon goes to dinner that night and he realizes that everyone knows.  Many at the tables offer him condolences. But not this one guy, you can probably guess who...

Alliser Thorne: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at weepy little Lord Snow, the bastard boy with the traitor father!

Jon jumps over a table and pulls out a knife, he holds it to Alliser's throat and is about to slit his neck when the other crows of the Night's Watch pull him off.   Jon is then sent right back to the Principal's office. 

Mormont: WHAT DID I JUST SAY ABOUT NOT DOING ANYTHING STUPID?!

Jon: *shrug*

Mormont: Go to your room! You're grounded. No visitors and no cell phone!

Jon: Aww, damnit!

Jon goes to his room and not allowed to leave. To make sure of that, there is a guard placed at the door.

Guard: This is my last night on the job! Oh man, I've been looking forward to retirement for so long. I finally get to spend time with my family and my grandchildren.

Hrm. Odd. Anyway, fortunately Ghost is still allowed to be locked in with Jon though. Jon goes to sleep that night, and is awoken in the middle of the night by Ghost scratching at the door. 

Jon: What is it, Ghost? What is it? Is something wrong?

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: No, I just need to pee!]

Jon: I wish I could understand Direwolf. Something must be wrong! Let's go investigate!

Jon walks out. The guard is dead. 

Jon: NOOOOOOO!!!! WHYYYY???!!! It was his last day on the job!

Jon then hears a commotion coming from the Lord Commander's rooms nearby. He takes the dead guard's sword and runs over. Inside, he hears a raven squawking.

Raven: Corn! [Translation: Corn!]

In front of Jon stands a shadowy figure, a man in black but with blue, glowing eyes. He's walking for Lord Mormont's chamber. 

Jon: Hey, get the hell away from there!

Jon and Ghost attack the man, with Ghost biting at him and Jon slicing him with the sword. Jon gets a good look. 

Jon: Oh shit! Othor? You're supposed to be dead!

Othor: BRAINSSSSS!!!!

Jon: AGH!!! ZOMBIE! ZOMBIE! WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO BE RIGHT!?

He swings a sword at dead Othor and slices a hand off. But the hand keeps coming at him.

Mormont comes out from his bed, butt naked and holding an oil lamp to see better. 

Mormont: Just what the hell is going on h--OH SHIT, ZOMBIE OTHOR!!!

Jon: BURN IT! BURN IT WITH FIRE!

Jon throws a curtain on Othor, and then grabs the oil lamp from Mormont. He throws the lamp on the curtains and it is set aflame.