ACoK 42: Davos II

DAVOS SEAWORTH TIME, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one

Davos: Well, I’m back from traveling all over the Seven Kingdoms, delivering the message from Stannis about how Joffrey is a shitty incest bastard. What happened while I was away?

Stannis: Oh, nothing much. My brother, Renly, is dead.

Davos: WHAT!?

Stannis: Anyway, thanks for coming here to my summons to be here for my parley with Ser Cortnay Penrose.

Davos: Yeah. Why exactly am I here for this parley? By the way, Stannis. You look FUCKING terrible. It looks like you haven’t slept in weeks.

Devan, Davos’s Son / Stannis’s Squire: Yeah man, he’s been plagued by nightmares every night. He can barely sleep. The only time he can fall asleep is after Melisandre “visits” him at night.

Davos: Oh, I get it. *wink*wink*

Ser Cortnay, the Lord holding Storm’s End and refusing to give it up to Stannis, finally shows up.

Cortnay: Okay mother truckers, I’m here to talk terms.

Stannis: I gave you my terms. You have a fortnight to surrender Storm’s End and Edric Storm to me.

Cortnay: Nope.

Stannis: What do you mean “nope?”

Cortnay: It means “no.” You gave me a fortnight. I don’t need a fortnight to decide. My answer is no. You’re not getting the kid.

Stannis: Why are you being such a bitch, Cortnay?

Lord Alester Florent: Yeah! Come on now, Cortnay! Be reasonable. Stannis means no harm to the boy. He just wants to show him at around to prove what Robert’s children look like. As proof that Joffrey isn’t his kid.

Cortnay: Oh, like I’m going to listen to YOUR traitorous ass, Alester? A week ago you were on my side with Renly. This week you’re with Stannis. You’re such a Benedict Arnold. Not only did you flip-flop sides… you flip-flopped GODS!

Alester: WHAT?! Why I oughtta…

Cortnay: --And don’t think I believe that shit you’re all saying about how Brienne of Tarth murdered Renly. I know that’s not true. She would never have it in her.  I know this was some crazy, dark, Lord of Light shit you’re all up to.

Stannis: Well, if you’re not going to accept my terms… why did you even come out for a parlay?

Cortnay: Because there is nothing on TV and I was bored. Also, I have some terms of my own. Let’s settle this LIKE MEN. I challenge you to one-on-one combat. You win… then you get Storm’s End and the boy.  I win… then you FUCK OFF.

Stannis: Why would I risk LOSING a one on one fight to you when I KNOW that my army can win? I refuse your counter-offer.  I’d rather just storm your castle!

Cortnay: Interesting choice of words, Stannis. You will “storm” the castle, huh? Well guess what! This castle is named “Storm’s End.” So fuck you and you little storm, because it’s not getting through. *drops mic*

Crowd: OOOoOooooo! SNAP!!!!! Hey got you there, Stannis!

Stannis: *grumbles angrily*

And following the mic drop, Cortnay Penrose ride off on his horse. He looks so badass doing it too.

Alester: King Stannis! I beg you to reconsider! You could totally kick Cortnay’s ass in a one-on-one fight. It will save thousands of lives.

Stannis: I don’t really care about smallfolk and soldiers. Let them die. DAVOS! MELISANDRE! Come with me. I’d like to talk with you both in private.

And so those three ride off together.

Stannis: So… Davos. What do you think of all this shit? Think we should do some nasty shit like kidnap Cortnay Penrose’s father and threaten to kill him until Cortnay gives up the castle?

Davos: No. Being a dick like that will only backfire. Cortnay is too honorable a man. Don’t listen to Alester or any of those other dick knockers.

Stannis: Hahaha, sounds like you have a higher opinion of the man who defies me than the men who swapped sides and joined me.

Davos: I ain’t gonna lie, Stannis. I do. The people who joined you are straight up punk-ass bitches.

Stannis: See? That’s why I like you, Davos. You do not bullshit me. And you know what? I agree with you. Completely. Unfortunately, I need these ass-kissing traitors on my side to get vengeance and beat Cersei. So here we are.

Davos: By the way. You dropped that “Renly died” shit on me without much context. How exactly did that happen again?

Davos’s face looks towards Stannis as he asks the question, but he slides a little side eye towards Mel.

Stannis: Oh, I dream about his death sometimes. But my hands are clean. Whatever rumors you hear about me turning into a shadow and being in the room and slicing Renly’s neck open with a sword are total bullshit.

Davos: Uhhhhhhh… I never said anything about you turning into a shadow and slicing open Renly’s neck with a sword. What are you trying to say? Is that what happened?

Stannis: Ermm… uhh… no!

Davos: Uh huh. Sure.

Stannis: Look, Renly brought his death upon himself.  Now, since you’re giving me such frank and honest advice… how would you recommend we deal with Storm’s End?

Davos: I would recommend we not deal with Storm’s End at all. I say we take our armies and head to the REAL threat… King’s Landing! Cortnay Penrose is no threat to you. And once you depose that shitty Joffrey boy, the kingdom will be yours. Storm’s End and every other castle.

Stannis: Nah. Penrose will be dead in a day anyway.

Davos: WHAT?!

Stannis: Mel has seen it in the flames. Just like she saw Renly die in the flames.

Davos: Uh, I was just looking at him. He seemed perfectly healthy to me.

Stannis: The flames do not lie. The flames said if we came to Storm’s End, Renly would die and his forces would come to my side. Oh, also the flames said you were going to pull off an assist with this one.

Davos: Huh?

Stannis: You and Mel are getting on a boat tonight, and you’re going to sneak through the little cliffs under the castle. The same ones you used to use back in the day to smuggle onions and shit to me.

Davos: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!

Later that night, Davos and Mel are sneaking in a boat through a bunch of old caves under the castle.

Davos: I wish you were a bag of onions.

Mel: Whatever, I don’t like you that much either.

Davos: Speaking of a bag of onions, are you hiding one under your dress?

Mel: I don’t follow.

Davos: Suddenly you look pregnant. You didn’t earlier.

Mel: Yeah, well. I am now.

Davos: That’s not how gestation cycles work. You don’t just grow a giant baby bump suddenly.

Mel: THE LORD OF LIGHT DOES AS HE PLEASES.

Davos: *grumble*

Davos keeps rowing the boat.

Davos: You’re lucky the dark is protecting us. There are guards down here keeping a watch. But because the dark they can’t see. HAHAHA. Got you there, didn’t I, witch? I guess it’s not the Lord of LIGHT who is helping out.

Mel: On the contrary, it is actually the light that protects us. It is dark and so the guards have torches. But staring at the torches dilates their eyes and leaves them blind to see anything in the places that still remain dark. So, in fact, it’s actually the light that saves us. We are but shadows. Shadows cannot exist without the light to cast them.

Davos: Ugh. Well, this small talk isn’t going well. Let me just cut through the shit… Soooooo, you’re the one that killed Renly with some black magic shit, huh?

Mel: No.

Davos: Bullshit. I wondered who “rowed” you to kill him.

Mel: Rowing was not necessary. Renly was on land.

Davos: I know that. Hence why “rowing” was in quotation marks. I simply meant you probably needed assistance somehow like you do now.

Mel: Well, I’m not admitting that I killed Renly with black magic. BUT IF I DID… then I wouldn’t have needed an assistant. Because Renly was unprotected by magic. But this castle? This castle is old and has magical spells built into its walls. Which is why I need to be rowed to inside the castle in order for my powers to penetrate.

Davos: Unprotected? Penetrate? These allusions to sex are really piling up. Are you coming on to me?

Mel: No, of course not.

Mel then rips all of her clothes off, lays down, and spreads her legs before Davos.

Davos: WHAT THE HELL?! I mean… it’s not like you’re not nice to look at. But… you know… I don’t really have a pregnancy fetish.

Mel: No! I’m not coming on to you! Now grab the forceps.

Mel starts screaming and goes into labor.
Davos: Ah, I was wondering why we brought these. It seemed strange back at camp, but now I guess--

Mel: --UNNGGHHHHHH!!!!!

He briefly considers just bashing Mel in the head with the forceps and throwing her body in the water, but that wouldn’t be cool to this little baby. The baby is innocent and didn’t do any wrong. So he’s just going to help Mel give birth to this perfectly normal ba—

Davos: --AGHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! It’s made out of shadows! AGHHHHH!!!! SHADOW BABY! SHADOW BABY!

Mel pushes out a shadow that looks suspiciously like Stannis. It floats up into the castle above.

Davos: Well, I guess I’ll be having nightmares for the rest of my life.

ACoK 41: Tyrion IX

Tyrion watches as Myrcella boards a boat. She’s off to Sunspear, Dorne to seal the marriage alliance with the House Martell to ensure that they stay on Team Lannister for the duration of the war.  To protect her, Tyrion also sends along one of the kingsguard – Arys Oakheart.

Tyrion: Now Arys, remember not to get honeypotted by any Dornish girls while you’re down there.

Arys: Wait… what? What does that mean? Honeypot?

Tyrion: You know, when a cute girl pretends to like you. She seems like she’s really, really, really into you. But she isn’t really. She’s just pretending to be in order to get info from you.

Arys: Oh yeah. Like those Chinese spy girls that always get fat, white, middle-aged American diplomats to reveal government secrets to them?

Tyrion: Exactly.

Arys: Yeah, I’m a little more sophisticated than the average Kingsguard. No way am I falling for any of that. Besides, as a sworn Kingsguard I’ve made a vow of celibacy.

And so Arys goes along his way and boards the ship too.

Off they’re heading, with a small part of the Lannister fleet to guard Myrcella.

Tyrion: Oh man, I am not comfortable losing even MORE ships to head off to Dorne. Our armada is already in pretty bad shape. If Stannis attacks, we’re screwed. But still, it’s worth the risk because we need that Martell alliance.  Another two weeks… that’s all I need to make sure the city defenses are in tippy-top shape. Tippy tippy tip top. Tip.

As Myrcella sails off, the royal party (including King Dipshit, Cersei, Sansa, Tommen, the High Septon, Clegane, Bronn, and other random non-POV people you don’t need to worry about that much) head back to the Red Keep. Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth are there too.

Tyrion: Odd. Why would the narrator mention Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth? Are these characters important enough to mention now for some reason?

Who is missing from this whole parade though? Littlefinger!

Tyrion: I haven’t heard a WORD from Littlefinger since he rode off that morning to meet with the Tyrells. What happened? Did he get murdered on the road? Is he betraying us?  Are the Tyrells balking at our offer to marry Joffrey to Margaery? Ugh. I wish I knew.

As they head through Kings Landing, they are surrounded by huge crowds of people. The people do not look to happy with them. What with them all starving and living in filth since the war began.

Cersei: LET THEM EAT CAKE!

Tyrion: Uh oh. This is not going to go well.

Sansa: Why? I love cakes! Especially lemon cakes! So tasty! Why do people think that offering cake to a crowd is a bad thing? I’ll never understand that.

A woman runs up to them, holding a dead baby.

The Hound: Ugh. Another one of those Pro-Life activists. GET A LIFE, WOMAN! Roe v. Wade is like 40 years old. Deal with it.

Lady: LOOK AT MY DEAD BABY! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! MY BABY STARVED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF YOU SCUM!

Sansa: Oh, that’s so terrible! Maybe if we give her one gold coin that will make up for the fact that HER CHILD DIED.

Joffrey: Ugh. Whatever.

Joffrey pulls out one coin and throw it to the crowd, unenthusiastically. The lady doesn’t even get it, and people start fighting over it.

Lady: LOOK AT THE WHORE QUEEN! BROTHERFUCKER CERSEI! BROTHERFUCKER!

Cersei: Whatever, bitch. I don’t take criticism from poor people with missing teeth and dead babies.

And then, all of a sudden, a giant chuck of feces is thrown at Joffrey and smacks him right in the face.

Joffrey: WHAT THE HELL?! WHO DID THAT?! WHO DID THAT! I WANT THEM EXECUTED!

Tyrion: Whoa now, Joff. Let’s calm down and worry about getting the hell out of here first. We’re surrounded by a giant crowd of thousands of angry peasants who look like they want to kill us.  I think we need to de-escalate this situation rather than escalate it further.

Joffrey: CLEGANE!!! Go down and cut through the crowd! Start randomly killing people left and right with your sword!

Hound: Cool. That sounds sensible.

Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of de-escalating!

Crowd: BOOO! BOOO! WE WANT BREAD!

The angry crowd starts attacking them.

Tyrion: Oh SHIT, homeboys. We need to get out of here. FAST! Run for the keep everyone! RUN FOR THE KEEP!

And so their retinue begins to book it for the gates of the Red Keep. But the crowd is so thick, they get seperated

Joffrey and Tyrion make it to the Red Keep first, along with Cersei, Boros Blount and Meryn Trant.

Tyrion: What?! Where the hell did everyone go?

Joffrey: WHO CARES? SOLDIERS! I ORDER YOU TO START EXECUTING ALL THOSE PEASANTS NOW! I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR HEADS!

Tyrion then hobbles up and smacks the fuck out of Joff.

Tyrion: You stupid, fucking idiot!

Joffrey: They made fun of me and threw poo at me! That’s TREASON!

Tyrion: You set your dog on them and told him to kill them all. What did you EXPECT them to do? Where did the rest of our party go? You’ve probably doomed them all!

He looks around. Sansa is one of the ones missing.

Tyrion: Do you know what happens if we lose Sansa? She’s an important bargaining tool for our war with the Starks. If she’s dead—

Cersei: Boros, Meryn… go back into the crowd and find the Stark girl!

Boros: Nah.

Meryn: Yeah, fuck that. They’re going to kill us.

Tyrion: If Sansa is killed… Jaime is as good as dead. You’ll fucking do it or WE’LL KILL YOU.

Boros: You wanna bet, you little dwarf shit? Why I ought to—

--As Boros acts like he’s going to smack Tyrion, the gates burst open and The Hound charges in, holding Sansa in his hands.

Tyrion: *whew* We dodged a bullet there! Not that I know what bullets are, as this society is pre-firearms. I guess everything is good now. I mean, you know. Other than all those other members of our party who are missing like Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth. Which is I guess why those characters were mentioned earlier.

Tower Guard: Oh, Flea Bottom is also on fire.

Tyrion: Oh. Well then I guess everything ISN’T GOOD now. You know where Flea Bottom is directly north of? The Alchemists’ Guild.

Cersei: Who cares about the Alchemist’s Guild?

Tyrion: Uhmm… everyone should care. Remember? They’re currently in the middle of producing tons and tons and tons of Wildfire in preparation for our war with Stannis. Remember what Wildfire is? That unquenchable chemical that burns and burns and burns… nothing is able to put it out.

Bronn: Except for sand.

Tyrion: Yes. Except for sand, apparently.  The whole of Kings Landing would blow up if we set that off.

Cersei: You mean if we collected a WHOLE BUNCH of Wildfire in one place and set it on fire… the WHOLE CITY would blow up?

Tyrion: Yes.

Cersei: The WHOLE CITY? Would completely BLOW UP?

Tyrion: Yes. It would blow up faster than a Russian woman who turns 40.

Cersei’s eyes start twitching and she smiles.

Tyrion: Why is that making you smile, Cersei?

Cersei: What? Huh? Oh… nothing. Nothing. Yes. We better put out the fire.

Tyrion: Bronn and Hound, take charge and make sure to do whatever you can to make sure the city doesn’t explode. Meryn and Boros - I need you guys to take the Kingsguard out to ensure that a city-wide curfew is enforced. Everyone stays in tonight.

Meryn: Forget that, I’m not doing it.

Cersei: YOU WILL DO AS MY BROTHER COMMANDS, SHIT FACE!

Meryn: Oh SHIT! You’re taking his side? I just assumed if I was defiant and argued with Tyrion that you’d take my side because you two hate each other.

Meryn and Boros meekly walk away, to do as ordered by Cersei and Tyrion.

Tyrion: *whispering* And Shagga and Randy Savage, you go make sure Shae is okay.

Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH! I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR SECRET MISTRESS, SHAE THE PROSTITUTE THAT YOUR FATHER EXPLICITLY STATED THAT YOU WERE NOT TO BRING HERE, IS OKAY!

Tyrion: Damnit Macho Man, she’s supposed to be a secret. Shop shouting about her.

Later that evening, the fire has been contained and the city has not blown up.

Cersei: Damnit!

Tyrion: What?

Cersei: Oh, nothing.

Tyrion: So, what’s the damage?

Ser Jacelyn Bywater: Well, the High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield have been brutally murdered.

Tyrion: Ah! Cool. Santagar was the Master at Arms. I don’t even think he’s been mentioned as existing ever since Cat Stark wanted to see him in Book 1.  And Preston Greenfield? Talk about a meaningless, unimportant character. Why, he’s even less important than you, Jacelyn.

Jacelyn: HEY!

Tyrion: Sorry.

Jacelyn: But yeah, Preston Greenfield got MESSED up. We were looking all over for him. Looking for that White Cape that all us Kingsguard guys wear. We probably passed his dead body like six times before we figured out that his corpse was actually his. That white cape? Not so white anymore. Totally soaked in his blood. He was TORN APART. Butchered like cattle.

Tyrion: Oh wait… there was one other minor character that got mentioned… wasn’t there? Oh right! Lollys Stokeworth! What happened to her?

Jacelyn: Oh yeah, we found her too. Alive.

Tyrion: Great!

Jacelyn: Alive and gang raped by 50 men.

Tyrion: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Oh my god! This book series is just TERRIBLE  to women!

Jacelyn: Well, the book serious is sort of inspired by history. So really, history is terrible to women.

Tyrion: True. This city is about to explode. And I don’t mean via wildfire. I mean figuratively. I’m not sure if the Gold Cloaks can keep the peace.

Jacelyn: Look, I’m going to break down some truth for you, Tyrion. The smallfolk didn’t really like the Lannisters BEFORE today. After today? Well, now there is active and open talk of treason in the streets. And most of it is directed to you.

Tyrion: WHAT?! To me? What did I do?!

Jacelyn: Oh, don’t get me wrong. Everyone hates Joffrey. But they blame you more than him. They say that you’re an evil, twisted, dwarf puppet master that controls him. It’s because you’re a dwarf that they hate you.

Tyrion: Awesome. So everyone assumes I’m the villain because my physical appearance? GREAT! Even though I’m the person most looking out for the smallfolk and doing everything I can to save their asses.  Ugh. Podrick!

Pod: Yeah, I’m here, Tyrion! I’m a much less important character in the books than the show though.

Tyrion: Go fetch Bronn and Varys.

Pod: Sure!

And that’s the extent of Podrick Payne’s character development so far. No huge penis or anything.

Bronn: Whattup?

Tyrion: Shit is falling apart, man. I wish it was Tommen that was king instead of Joffrey. This is all that shithead’s fault for being such a little punk bitch.

Bronn: *sharpens knife* Okay, sure. I can kill Joffrey.

Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s not what I said!

Bronn: What? WHAT?! I was just reading between the lines.

Tyrion: I think you led a little too much.

Varys: I’m in this room too, but I don’t really do anything in this scene other than to say “take heart,” which then turns into a pun about asking WHOSE heart?

Bronn: Joffrey’s. Obviously.

ACoK 40: Daenerys III

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ACoK 39: Catelyn V

Cat and her entourage ride, nearing Riverrun. As she approaches and identifies herself, she sees Martyn Rivers, a bastard son of Lord Walder Frey.

Cat: Geez, I never thought I'd be happy to see a Frey!

Perwyn Frey: Hey! I'm right here and I've been traveling with you for several weeks. You know, I thought our friendship meant something to you, Cat.

Cat: So how is the war going, Martyn? We haven't been getting a lot of news lately, on account of us running for our lives to flee all of Renly's forces.

Martyn: Ah, well let me drop some plot updates on you then. Your son Robb has been kicking ass and taking names. He won a great victory at the Battle of Oxcross, and his men killed Ser Stafford Lannister.  They say that his wolf, Grey Wind, sniffed out some awesome deer trail through the woods that was big enough for the Northern armies to sneak through to get the advantage on the Lannisters.  After they won the battle, they say Robb fed Stafford's heart to Grey Wind.

Cat: Gross. My son isn't a caveman named "Oog." How do these crazy stories even get started?

Martyn: Anyway, since then he's been pillaging the Lannister lands. Sort of an awesome type of revenge for how the Lannisters pillages our lands here.

Cat: Oh, sweet. This is all fantastic to hear about. 

Martyn: Well, it's not all good news, m'lady. Apparently Tywin Lannister has had enough of all this shit and he's finally left Harrenhal. We believe he's marching towards Riverrun and he could be here in about 3 or 4 days.

Cat: Oh shit! That's not good at all. We need to get back to Riverrun, ASAP!

And so they book it towards Riverrun. Still, it's a bit away and they make camp for the night. 

As everyone goes to sleep, Cat catches Brienne trying to sneak away. 

Cat: What are you doing?

Brienne: Leaving.

Cat: And going where? Are you just trying to head back to exactly where you fled from?

Brienne: Yes! I must kill Stannis Baratheon for killing my dear Renly.

Cat: Girl, you must be as dumb as you are ugly. I had you running away from that direction for a reason. You're going to get yourself killed.

Brienne: I MUST KILL STANNIS! With Renly dead, it's my life's only purpose now.

Cat: What if I give you a new purpose? What if you serve me instead?

Brienne: Okay.

Cat: Damn. That was a lot easier than I thought. Girl, you will flip allegiances on the turn of a dime.

And so they continue on to Riverrun the next day. It looks like the bannermen have all been recalled, ready to hold their ground and face Tywin's attack here. As they come up to the draw bridge to enter, they see a lot of dead Lannister men hanging from the city walls. 

Cat: SHIT. What has my brother Edmure been up to? Executing Lannister hostages? I hope Jaime isn't one of them. If that dumb-shit brother of mine killed Jamie, then my daughters in Kings Landing are as good as dead too.

She enters, and rushes up to find her brother.

Edmure: Well, I'm glad to see your alive. 

Cat: Yeah, did you hear about that crazy shit that happened down where I was at... with Renly dying and everything?

Edmure: Yes, I heard. I almost didn't believe it, but now you've confirmed that to be true. We also got messages from Storm's End, where Courtney Penrose has offered allegiance to whoever helps him escape Stanni's siege along with Robert Baratheon's bastard son, Edric Storm.

Cat: Wow, what would Stannis want with Robert's bastard?

Edmure: *shrugs* Doesn't matter. We're soon to be under siege here by Lord Tywin. We couldn't help them if we wanted.

Cat: Oh, and by the way... meet this new stray I picked up while I was down by Storm's End. Her name is Brienne of Tarth. She used to be Renly's Rainbow Guard. You know, when Renly was alive.

Edmure: Yo.

Brienne: Whattup?

Edmure: So what's with all these rumors I hear? Some are saying YOU helped kill Renly.

Brienne: RENLY WAS KILLED BY THE SHADOW OF STANNIS BARATHEON!

Edmure: You know you sound like a crazy person when you say that, right?

Brienne: Kind of.

Edmure: And you witnessed this yourself?

Brienne: Not really actually. It's Cat who saw it and told me. I sort of just believe her.

Edmure: Sister - is this true?

Cat: It's what I saw, Edmure. And I wasn't dropping acid either. Stannis killed Renly with some sort of black magic shit.  He's hanging out with this red witch now.

Edmure: Crazy.

Cat: So who are these dead Lannisters on the wall?

Edmure: Oh, so check this out.  Remember how we sent Ser Cleos Frey to Kings Landing to deliver our terms for peace? Well, he came back with a counter-offer from the Imp. Of course the terms were absolute shit that we couldn't agree to.  But he also came back with this supposed elite A-Team of guys in disguise as regular Lannister soldiers. These were, like, mummers from the East or something with specialized Oceans 11 bank heist skills. Only their heist this time was Jamie Lannister. They killed some of our guards and broke Jaime free. They almost got away with it too. But my men finally captured them and killed them all. So those are the guys you see hanging on the wall.

Cat: And Jaime himself?

Edmure: Don't worry, sis. We kept him alive. I'm not that dumb. I know what kind of a big bargaining chip he is. He's down in the dungeon, along with Cleos Frey. Cleos claims to have had no knowledge about the plot to free Jaime. I don't know though. These fucking Freys, man. You can't trust them.

Perwyn: Hey!

Cat: Sounds like this plot is more the work of the Imp than Cleos. I'd bet anything on it. I saw the way he played my sister like a fiddle out in the Vale.

Edmure: Speaking of Freys, now that you're back--Robb has orders for you to go to the Twins and meet with Lord Walder to help him pick out his new wife.

Cat: Nah. I'm not doing that. That boy can pick out his own damn poontang. Our father is dying and I'm going to stay here with him. How is he doing? Let's take this to another room.

And so they go to talk in private. 

Edmure: Father is pretty much unchanged. Very sick. Never leaves bed. Catatonic, most of the time.

Cat: Nah, but what I REALLY wanted to talk to you about in private is this army of Tywin that is approaching. I don't think you're competent enough to take on Tywin on his own.

Edmure: Damn, bitch. Way to be supportive of your brother. Look, I've got this. I've been involved in several battles already.

Cat: Yeah, battles that you LOST.

Edmure: We've got a PLAN, Cat. A really good plan. We're well defended here, and I've had Roose Bolton's army team up with the remaining troops of ours that we had garrisoned at the Twins. He's going to use those men to re-take Harrenhal from the Lannisters. That will leave Lord Tywin trapped and surrounded by us - with nowhere to retreat.

Cat: I mean that SOUNDS like a good idea... but those men we had at the Twins were there to ensure the loyalty of the Freys. You know we can't trust them.

Edmure: Please, Cat. You were just traveling with Perwyn Frey and he thinks you're his new best friend. We have two Frey kids up in Winterfell that are "guests of honor," but Walder knows they will immediately become hostages if they do anything shitty. We have a marriage alliance between Robb and the Freys. And even Roose Bolton just married one of those Frey girls.

Cat: Oh really? Shit, I have been gone for a while. I didn't know about that Bolton thing.

Edmure: Trust me, Cat. These Freys are 100% on our side.

Cat: 100%?

Edmure: Well. 99%, surely.

Cat: If you say so. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go visit dad.

Cat takes leave of her brother and heads up to Lord Hoster Tully's solar, where she finds her father in bed. 

Cat: So pops... not dead yet, huh?

Hoster: Oh, my dear daughter! It's you!

Cat: Yes.

Hoster: You must marry Jon Arryn, Lysa! You must. I know you don't love him and that he's like 40 years older than you, but it's your duty!  I don't care if you love that wretched stripling boy!

Cat: Oh shit! My dad has lost his mind and he's confusing me with my sister, Lysa. Also, it looks like he's flashed back in time and he thinks it's the past and that Lysa hasn't married Jon Arryn yet. But who is this "wretched stripling boy" that dad is talking about? Was Lysa hooking up with some kid back in the day that I didn't know about? Wow. I wonder who that could be.

Littlefinger. 

Cat: Hey now, Narrator. You can't just burst in and say that it was Littlefinger. I mean you have no definitive proof of that. I remember she always had a thing for musicians. Maybe it was some musician.

No. Hoster Tully is definitely referring to Peter Baelish.

Maester Vyman: Lady Catelyn, your father is nearing his end and must not be bothered more for now. You must send for your Uncle the Blackfish and your sister to visit him in his dying hours.

Cat: Wow, sad. But I know Lysa won't come. Not even for this.

Cat leaves and heads to her room. After all this travel and drama, she needs to finally sleep in a feather bed tonight.  But when she arrives, she sees a bunch of Sisters of the Faith of the Seven standing by her door. 

Utherydes Wayn, Steward of Riverrun: Cat, these Sisters have come from King's Landing with Cleos Frey. They bring you the bones of your husband.

Cat: Wow, cryptic. Maybe instead of sleeping in a comfortable feather bed tonight, I should just lock myself in a room with my husband's bones and stare at them, crying.

And that's exactly what Cat decides to do.

Cat: Hey. That's not his sword!

Utherydes: No, that was not returned. Just his bones.

Cat: Creepy. He looks nothing like himself anymore. I don't see any of Ned in this.

Utherydes: Well, I mean it is bones, so why would you? That's not how bones work.

Cat: Anyway, I guess we can be happy for Queen Cersei for sending at least these.

Utherydes: You should thank the Imp, it was apparently he who arranged it.

Cat: Oh, one day I plan on "thanking" them all. I SAID, SARCASTICALLY.

Utheryde: Yes, because you want to kill them. I got it.

Cat: Now leave me be to cry over these bones! After, I want them sent on to Winterfell to lay in the crypt where Ned belongs.  

ACoK 38: Arya VIII

Arya: Oh snap! Tywin Lannister is finally leaving Harrenhal tomorrow! And I didn't even get a chance to be his cup bearer.

Because that never happened in the books. 

Arya: I bet with Tywin gone, everything will calm down and life will become much easier. We'll probably all be treated a lot better.

Weese: The fuck you will, Weasel! If anything, life is about to get much worse for you. The castle is still the same size as it used to be, and now with less people - that means the people remaining will need to do more work. Also, it's been about five minutes since I last beat you, so...

Weese beats her. 

Arya: Fuck this guy. Fuck everyone here. I hope all these Lannister soldiers riding out get killed by my brother Robb.

Weese: Now girl, deliver my shit for me.  Here is a message I need you to give to a knight who owes me money. Be on your way.

And so Arya runs off to deliver the message. Weese doesn't know that Arya can read, so he doesn't even think about the fact that Arya is checking out all the messages she delivers. She's been able to figure out a couple of things through Weese's notes, but nothing really big. It's mainly just mundane crap. Weese isn't an important enough guy to deliver important messages about troop movements, battles, or anything that interests Arya. 

Sometimes she's even had to deliver messages to outside of Harrenhal. Arya thought about stealing a horse and running away. But she's scared. She knows that if she's caught that she'll be delivered to Vargo Hoat of the Bloody Mummers. And that guy is crazy.

Arya: Hey you. Here is a note from Weese.

She hands it to the knight. 

Knight: Girl, I can't read.

Arya: It says you owe him money.

Knight: Hahaha, FUCK THAT!

The knight tries to hit her. But she pulls some of that Water Dancer mojo and dodges it. She also grabs his drinking horn from his belt, which has some silver on it. 

Arya: YOINK!

Knight: HEY! Give that back!

But she doesn't. Arya returns to Weese. 

Arya: Here you go, Weese. That knight said wasn't going to pay you. So I stole this from him because it has silver and looks like it might be worth something.

Weese: Oh, good work, Weasel! See, that's why I like you. You're so good to me. I promise never to beat you again. Also, I'm having a big-ass capon for dinner tonight. As a reward for you giving me this silver, I'll share it with you!

Arya: What the hell is capon?

Weese: It's a castrated, force-fed rooster.

Arya: That is such a weird and specific food item.

Next Arya wanders around, looking for Jaqen H'ghar. She figures its about time to ask him to kill another motherfucker for her. 

Arya: Excuse me, have you seen Jaqen H'ghar? I'm worried he might be leaving soon with all those people heading out with Lord Tywin.

Random Guard: Who the hell is Jaqen H'ghar? You know, I'm not on a first-name basis with every character in this book series.

Arya: Oh, he's this guy who works for Ser Amory Lorch. His hair is half-white, half-red.

Random Guard: Oh, yeah. I've seen that dude. He'll be staying here then. Ser Lorch has been named Castellan of Harrenhal while Lord Tywin is away. The Mountain and a whole bunch of other people... they'll be leaving though. Anyone with Lorch stays.

Arya: Oh snap! I better hurry along then. If I want to ask for the Mountain to be murdered, I need to do that soon since he's leaving!

And so Arya continues on her quest for Jaqen H'ghar, but checks back in on her boss Weese to make sure she's not in trouble. 

Weese: YO! New task for you, Weasel. I need you to deliver this new message to Lucan the Blacksmith. Ser Lyonel is leaving with Kevan Lannister tomorrow and needs a new sword (of omens).

Arya: Okie dokie.

Arya goes to the blacksmith shop to visit Lucan. Fortunately, the blacksmith shop is where Gendry works, so Arya has a chance to ogle him some more as he forges steel with his shirt off. 

Arya: *drool*

Gendry: HEY! I see you there, Arya! We need to talk.

Arya: Uhh... what about? *tries to look innocent*

Gendry: Don't worry, it's not about you staring a hole into my abs. It's about Hot Pie. I ran into him the other day and he said that he heard you back at the town by the God's Eye. He heard you shout "For Winterfell!" as the battle happened.

Arya: So?

Gendry: Well, you could be giving away who you are by doing that. So I had to lie to Hot Pie and tell him he was crazy. I told him you said "Go to Hell!" instead of "For Winterfell!"

Arya: That's stupid as fuck. Why would I say that?

Gendry: BITCH, it's the best thing I could come up with on short notice. So anyway, if you run into Hot Pie and he asks you, tell him that's what you said.

Arya: Okay, sure. Whatever. Could I rub some oil on your chest now?

Gendry: NO!

Lucan: What do you want, girl? Stop bothering my smith.

Arya: Here is a letter from Weese. Lyonel's sword (of omens) has been broken and he needs it repaired (before battling Mum-Ra). Or some shit like that. He needs it by tomorrow.

Snarf: SNARF!

They then throw Snarf into the forge because he's annoying. 

Lucan: Ugh. My steel is too good for a oaf like Lyonel, but whatever.

Lucan hands her a new longsword (of omens).

Arya then heads back to Weese to deliver the sword, but gets distracted along the way. At first she thinks about using her note from Weese to run away. Barely anyone here is literate, so she could just tell them the note says whatever and they'd believe her. But she figures it's too risky. Then she hears a bunch of soldiers talking about Robb Stark's victories. They say he has an army of giants from the North. As she listens to them gossip, the time gets away from her and--

Weese: --Ah, there you are, you stupid little shit!

Weese grabs the sword away from her and hits her. 

Weese: I sent you, like, HOURS ago to get that sword. Be a little faster next time, you stupid idiot. God, you're just the worst.

Arya: DAFUQ? Earlier today you were thanking me for giving you the silver and promised to never hit me again. You also said you'd share your chicken dinner with me!

But Weese doesn't remember any of that shit because he's really fucking stupid.

Weese: New task. Go to Tuffleberry at the bar and tell him that he owes me six kegs of ale. Have his men deliver it to me at once.

So Arya storms off to find Tuffleberry.  She hopes to run into Jaqen H'ghar along the way.

Arya: Oh, Weese is SO DEAD when I find Jaqen!

But instead of finding Jaqen, she finds Rorge, the asshole that was locked in the Night's Watch cart with Rorge. 

Rorge: OH SHIT! Arry the little boy is now a girl! I want to rape and murder you even more now.

Arya: You remember that I saved your life, right?

Rorge: Yeah, thanks. As a reward for that, I'll rape you even HARDER.

Arya: Wow, you are just THE WORST and that's saying a lot in these books. Anyway, Jaqen H'ghar is my friend, you know that right?  Maybe I should tell him that you just threatened me.

Rorge backs away. He's obviously scared of Jaqen. 

Rorge: Uhh... I got no problem with you, miss. I'll be on my way.

Arya: Where is our mutual friend anyway?

Rorge: Taking a bath.

Arya: Great. I just got done eerily staring at Gendry while he was blacksmithing, so now I can go creep on Jaqen while he's in a bath.

She goes to do exactly that. 

She tip toes into the men's locker room and...

Jaqen H'ghar: A girl wears shoes that are too squeaky to sneak up on a man. A man is not fooled.

Arya: Damn.

Coach: HEY YOU, GIRL! Get out of the men's locker room! We don't let little girls in here.

Jerry Sandusky: But little boys are okay, right?

Everyone then gets together to grab Jerry Sandusky and throw him into the forge to burn alive too, no matter which side of the War of the Five Kings that stand on. Everyone can agree on that. 

Arya: Okay, that's enough random cameos of characters to kill off in a forge after one throw-away line. I'm here to whisper something in your ear, Jaqen.

She leans in close. 

Arya: Weese.

Jaqen H'ghar: A'iiiiiight.

Arya then goes to deliver the message to Tuffleberry.

Tuffleberry: HELL NO. My men aren't bringing shit to Weese. If he wants his ale barrels, he can come and pick them up his goddamn self. Tell him to go fuck himself and that I fucked his mother in her eye socket and she liked it. Tell him those exact words, verbatim.

Arya goes back to Weese but does NOT tell him those exact words, verbatim. She knows Weese will take it out on her and beat her even more. Arya breaks it to him gently, and he doesn't even beat her at all. 

At dinner that night, Arya starts to feel bad about ordering the killing of Weese. 

Arya: Look, Weese isn't necessarily a good person. He's human shit. But there are a lot of people out there even worse than him. Why am I wasting my kills on him?

Arya stares at Weese as he eats the capon. Weese catches her looking and Arya thinks he has a gleam of recognition in his eye. 

Arya: Oh yeah! I bet he feels really bad for how he treated me earlier, and he just remembered to share that chicken with me. Dinner time! Yum yum!

But Weese stands up with an angry face and walks over to her. 

Weese: BITCH! How many times do I have to tell you to not stare at me when I eat? DAMNIT!

He smacks the shit out of her. She falls and her dress tears on a nail.

Weese: And you better mend that dress before you go to bed!

The next morning, she wakes up with a kick by Weese. 

Weese: Wake the fuck up, girl. We all gotta get up and wave goodbye to Lord Tywin.

And so they get up and watch as Tywin's procession leaves, taking the important Lannister lords and soldiers with them, including the Mountain and Polliver. It's only then that Arya realizes...

Arya: SHIT! Why did I waste my kills on Weese and Chiswyck? Lord Tywin is the real monster here. He's their boss! I should have wished his name a long time ago. I need to find Jaqen H'ghar and tell him to replace "Weese" with "Tywin Lannister" before it's too late!

Arya runs through the crowd, knocking people over and looking for Jaqen. But instead she finds...

Crowd: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at this! It's Weese's pet dog eating Weese's neck out. This is CRAZY! He raised that dog since it was a pup. And yet somehow the dog went nutso and decided to sink its teeth into his throat. Easy come, easy go, I guess.

Arya: Shit.

Arya looks up and sees Jaqen H'ghar standing nearby. He nods at her and throws her the "peace" sign. 

Jaqen H'ghar: No, dumbass. A man does not do the "peace" sign. A man holds up two fingers. A man is signalling that a girl has gotten two of her kills in. A narrator should know this.

Okay, I stand corrected. 

ACoK 37: Theon III

Theon and his force of eight or so ships has just attacked the Stony Shore, a town on the west coast of the North.  Nominally, the forces at the Stony Shore were supposed to be defending the North against attack. In practice, it's really just a fishing village and it was a pretty pathetic showing.  The Northern defenders were worthless, and the forces of the Iron Isles fucked them up. Big time. 

The leader of the defenses was Benfred Tallhart, a man that Theon knew and had actually visited as Ned Stark's hostage/adopted son.  But now Benfred's men are all dead around him and he is held captive. 

Benfred: Fuck you Theon, you fucking traitor cunt! *spits in Theon's face*

Theon: I mean, I guess I probably deserved that a little.

Uncle Aeron Greyjoy: Blasphemy! How dare he spit in your face! We must sacrifice him to the drowned god now!

Theon: Sure. Why not? I mean our executor is so shitty with his aim that he'd probably miss slicing his head off anyway. So throwing Benfred in the water is probably the more humane way to go.

And so they dunk Benfred into the ocean and hold him down, drowning him. His body goes stiff and they just push it out to sea. 

Theon walks around the Stony Shore to inspect their victory. His men are running around like crazy. Stealing. Murdering. Raping. The Iron Isles way. His men cut the fingers off of the dead to steal their jewelry. That's "paying the iron price" for jewelry, as Theon remembers.

He then sees two of his men, drunk and fighting over plunder.

Theon: HEY! HEY! Knock it off there! No fighting!

But they keep fighting. Nobody gives a shit about Theon and nobody respects him. 

Theon: Well fuck that then!

Theon grabs a bow and arrow and aims towards one of the fighting men's ale tankards.

Theon: Hahaha, I'll shoot this ale tankard right out of his hand! That will show him I'm the boss with my impressive skills at aiming. That will win them over to finally obey me!

But Theon has shit aim and instead shoots the guy right in his stomach.

Theon: Oh. Oh fuck.... uhhh.... uhhh.... I mean... I MEANT TO DO THAT! YES! I JUST KILLED THAT GUY! For fighting over plunder! Let that be a sign to you all that Theon is badass and will fuck you up if you fight each other!

Guy: Uhh... he's not actually dead.

Theon: WELL JUST SLICE HIS NECK AND GET IT OVER WITH.

And so they do that. Because less men to split the loot with means more loot for everyone. Iron Isles guys are kind of dicks like that. 

Theon then goes on a long flashback, remembering how he got into the circumstance that brought him here and because GRRM continues to like doing in media res chapters that start in the middle and then go backwards. But fuck that, you don't need to read about a damn flashback. Let's move on... Theon wanders off and talks to Dagmer, the commander of one of his ships.

Dagmer: Hey man, how did the battle go?

Theon: Oh, pretty good. We kicked ass. Only lost one man and that man I killed myself totally on purpose because I'm badass. Not at all accidentally because I'm incompetent. If I have only one regret, it's that we didn't capture enough horses.

Dagmer: Horses? That's some land people shit there. We're sea people. We don't need horses.

Theon: How about instead of answering your question I just flatter you to get you on my side? After all, you are the greatest fighter in the history of the Iron Isles and my father sending you here with me to raid the coast is an insult to your greatness.

Dagmer: Go on, I'm listening and am indeed highly susceptible to flattery.

Theon: Well, just like how YOU are the greatest fighter, I also deserve to be leading the larger army that my sister is leading.

Dagmer: Your father trusts her because he knows her. He hasn't known you for, like, ten years.

Theon: But what was I doing those ten years away? I was showing how capable I was. When I was with Robb Stark's army, we had amazing victories. I was the MASTERMIND of the battle that captures the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister.  People like you and me are too good for this raider shit we're doing now. We need to be taking castles like my sister is assigned to do. So I say we do that instead.

Dagmer: Nah man, I don't think your uncle Aeron is going to approve of that.

Theon: Aeron will have no choice but to go along with it if all the men agree we are to do it. And you can help me win them over because you're the best and everyone respects you.

Dagmer: Okay, so what exactly is your little proposal?

Theon: You and our best men ride down towards Torren's Square and lay siege to it.

Dagmer: That's crazy talk. Torren's Square is inpenetrable. I could never take it.

Theon: True. But the forces at Winterfell will then race south to help defend it. Which will leave Winterfell totally defenseless!

Dagmer: Ah, the ol' razzle-dazzle fakeout, huh? A classic.

ACoK 36: Tyrion VIII

An emergency meeting of the Small Council begins, as stunning word hits Kings Landing that Renly Baratheon is dead. 

Varys: Holy shit, people. Not even my birds saw this coming. They cut this boy's throat like soft cheese.

Littlefinger is in the middle of eating Camembert, but puts it down.

Littlefinger: Thanks for the analogy, asshole. Now my appetite is ruined.

Tyrion: So who did this shit?

Varys: Accounts differ. Some say it was this ugly woman that was part of Renly's Rainbow Kingsguard. Some say it was a spurned lover. Some say it was Lady Cat Stark. Some say it was Stannis with a magical sword. Some say it was some kind of smoke monster.

Cersei: You mean like on Lost?

Varys: I guess.

Tyrion: Well, how are we supposed to believe any of it is true at all with all these different accounts?

Varys: On that I am certain. Renly is dead. How is the only confusion.

Tyrion: Joffrey won't be happy. He was saving a spike here for Renly's head and now his sick ass will be deprived of that. I'm not happy either. I wanted Renly and Stannis to get into a long war with one another. Now their forces will likely all fall behind Stannis and we'll have a bigger threat to face.

Varys: Well, not ALL of the forces. While most of Renly's bannermen have joined Stannis, some have not. The Tarleys and Tyrells, for instance. They say Loras Tyrell flipped his shit when he learned that Renly was dead. He murdered three of his fellow Rainbow Guards, including  Emmon Cuy and Robar Royce. He then rode off to Bitterbridge, most likely to meet up with his sister --Renly's Queen, Margaery.

Tyrion: Damn. Didn't Yohn Royce already lose his son Waymar in the prologue to A Game of Thrones? This guy just had another one of his sons, Robar, killed. Talk about bad luck, nothing goes this man's way.

Varys: And Ser Cortnay Penrose still holds Storm's End on behalf of Renly. He refuses to turn the castle over to Stannis without proof of Renly's body.

Tyrion: Well, it is good news that the Tyrells haven't joined Stannis. Maybe we can win them to our side.

Cersei: Why would they want to join us? They probably hate us more than they hate Stannis.

Littlefinger: Well, I am the Master of Coin. I can always pay them to love us.

Tyrion: Maybe lesser lords would be susceptible to bribery, Baelish. But the Tyrells are already hella rich from all that dot-com money they made when they sold all their AOL stock before the bubble burst. We'll need more than gold to win over Highgarden. We'll need to give them something that gives them pride and bragging rights. What about a marriage alliance with Joffrey? That Margaery girl is... what?... 15? 16? Sure, a little older than Joffrey but at least her womb is fertile. Joff can start working on her and making her pop out babies instantly.

Cersei: WHAT?! But Joffrey is already betrothed to Sansa Stark!

Tyrion: Who cares? That marriage alliance meant something when Ned was alive and the Starks were our allies. A marriage between Joff and Sansa is worthless now.

Cersei: But Joffrey so loves that girl! And he's not interested in having babies yet. He's just a boy.

Tyrion: You think 13 year old boys aren't interested in sex? Hahahaha, oh man, Cersei. That is the ONLY thing they are interested in. And does he "love" Sansa? Can a sociopath really love anyone? I'll tell you what though - I caught him having Boros Blount cut off Sansa's clothes to humiliate her while he got off on it. Is that love? This Margaery girl is supposed to be cute. He'll be just as pleased with her.

Littlefinger: The Hand speaks true, Queen Cersei. While Sansa's soft, delicate, supple body that looks just like her hot mother's body when she was her age is certainly sweet, Margaery is lovely and beddable now. And while Sansa brings only that smokin' jailbait, ginger, spinner body of hers... the Tyrell girl also brings with her 50,000 swords as well as those awesome Tyrell Corportation Replicants for off-world labor.

Tyrion: Littlefinger, you are SO FUCKING GROSS when describing Sansa, you creeper.

Littlefinger: Oh, don't worry. The gross-ness between me and Sansa is just getting started. It gets worse from here. Much worse.

Tyrion: The bottom line is, I think Joff just needs to get laid. Maybe he'll find that he likes relieving his stress that way even more than by killing things.

Tyrion and Varys then head nod to each other. Tyrion has been plotting to get Joffrey to Chataya's brothel, but it's been tough with the Hound always around.

Varys: And even if the King does love this Sansa girl, he must understand that the needs of the realm come before his own desires. A marriage alliance with Highgarden is quite sensible.

Cersei: Joffrey is the KING. Why should he want Renly's sloppy seconds?

Tyrion: And the king is a boy not yet old enough to rule on his own. He should do as the Hand, that's me, and the Regent, that's you, command him to.

Cersei grumbles. She wants to argue, but Tyrion is absolutely right.

Tyrion: SO THEN! If it's settled... now we need to send someone to deliver our offer to the Tyrells. It needs to be someone super high-ranking and important to show them that we mean business. But it can't be one of us Lannisters, because if they don't mean to make peace with us then we'll likely be taken hostage.

Littlefinger: Hey, I'll do it!

Tyrion is suspicious. I mean why WOULDN'T he be? This is Littlefinger, after all.

Tyrion: I mean... you do fit the bill of the level of person we need to send to show that we are serious. But I still have a bad feeling about it.

Littlefinger: What? Why?

Tyrion: I dunno. It's just, like, what if we send you as an emissary to the Tyrells and then you just wind up using this as an opportunity to engage in some nefarious plot with Lady Olenna Tyrell to poison Joffrey at his wedding feast?

Littlefinger: *sweats nervously* ...Look, all I'm saying is give me 100 gold cloaks as an escort, and also our hostages, Horas and Hobber Redwyne. The Redwynes are loyal to Margaery's father, Mace Tyrell. It will be a sign of friendship to return them. We also need to bring plenty of horses and gold to help out with the deal, as well as a written copy of the deal to show we mean business.

Everyone looks at each other. Littlefinger's plan makes a lot of sense. Eventually, they all nod and agree thinking the chances that Littlefinger will betray them and plot with the Tyrells to murder Joffrey with poison at his wedding is SUPER low.

Littlefinger: Great, have Varys write the terms down on paper and I'll be off in the morning. We've got to get to the Tyrells before anyone else. And I do expect a great reward for all my services in doing this. *cackles like super villain*

And with that, everybody heads out except for Cersei and Tyrion.

Cersei: So how's that giant chain you're building going, brother?

Tyrion: Pretty good, pretty good. But not quite finished yet. We should thank Cortnay Penrose for holding onto Storm's End. If he had just given it up to Stannis, then Stannis might already be marching towards us. But all we need is another two weeks or so, and our defenses will be as planned.

Cersei: Oh brother, I thank you so much for everything you're doing to help defend this city and advise Joffrey. You're just a good brother and uncle!

Cersei then kisses Tyrion and walks away.

Tyrion: Oh wow. That bitch is being NICE to me? Something must be up and she's plotting some shit. I just KNOW IT.