ACoK 54: Tyrion XII

Tyrion is on his way to have dinner with Cersei, which is something totally lame and that he doesn’t want to do.  As he walks, Varys pops out of nowhere.

Tyrion: I should be shocked or startled, but I'm not. I pretty much always expect you to pop out of nowhere. It’s a regular thing.

Varys: Hey, check out this note we got from Winterfell. It’s from Theon Greyjoy. It says Bran and Rickon Stark are dead.

Tyrion: Oh wow, innocent children got brutally murdered. Nifty. Let me take this to Cersei and see how she reacts, because she is a sociopath that is probably in to that kind of shit.

He does as he promised, and takes the note to Cersei.

Tyrion: You must be happy, right? After all, you did want that Bran boy dead.

Cersei: It was Jaime who threw him out the window. Not me. I would have been happy if we threatened the boy by telling him "stitches to snitches."

Tyrion: Hrm. So you didn’t order any catspaw assassin to stab Bran to death?

Cersei: NO!

Tyrion: Interesting. Lady Stark told me that Littlefinger told her that it was MY catspaw dagger that was used in the attempt on Bran’s life. But it wasn’t my dagger. So I’m going around and trying to figure out who actually DID plan the murder. I figured you are Jaime were good guesses. What with Bran seeing you two do the horizontal mambo. But given that we’re having a private conversation together and you have no motive to lie given that you even lack context for my investigation… I guess I can eliminate you as a suspect.

Cersei: Ugh. Do we have to do another “mystery” thing like when Ned was trying to figure out the Jon Arryn stuff? Lame. Can we move on with the chapter.

Tyrion: Oh right. Well, let’s hope that Lady Catelyn believes that Theon Greyjoy is solely responsible for the murder and that the Lannisters have nothing to do with it. Or else who knows what she might do to Jaime.

Cersei: Nothing. Because I still have her damn daughter as a captive.

And so they have breakfast together. They talk about regular breakfast small talk.
Cersei: So, no news from Bitterbridge yet, huh?

Tyrion: No. Remember how we sent Littlefinger out of Kings Landing several chapters ago in order to go to Bitterbridge and negotiate with the Tyrells?

Cersei: Yes. I do remember it. Hence why I just mentioned it. Do you remember two chapters ago when Dontos was telling Sansa about some mysterious ally of his that had left town?

Tyrion: No, I do not remember that. And you do not remember it either. Neither of us were present for that chapter, and no narrative information has been provided that would lead anyone to assume that our spies know anything about Dontos and Sansa’s meetings in the godswood.

Cersei: Right. I know we don’t actually know about that. I was just bringing it up for the readers. You know. In case they hadn’t put two and two together yet.

Tyrion: Nobody is reading this who has not seen the show or read the books. So yes, I’m pretty sure the readers have “got it.”

Cersei: Now let’s argue about how neither of us trust Varys, and also talk about our feud over Tommen. What with us having different plans to protect him.

Tyrion: Yes. Let us argue about those things. And let us also argue about my plans to have the Hound separated from Joffrey. I need the Hound to lead some attack forces against Stannis’s armies.

Cersei: Don’t you think your plans to have the Hound lead fighting forces are somewhat misguided, given that another part of your plan also involves setting off fires everywhere? You know how the Hound hates fire.

Tyrion: *shrug*

Cersei: I do not like that plan. I want the Hound protecting Joffrey.

Tyrion: No. Joffrey will be safe with Kettleblack and Meryn Trant protecting him in the fight. 

Cersei: Joffrey shouldn’t be in the fight at all. He’s just a boy.

Tyrion: I know. He won’t actually be fighting. He will be in the back. The back of the back. Waaaaay back. But our soldiers have to see Joffrey out there. Our men won’t fight for our king if they think he’s a coward. Jaime would have done the same when he was Joffrey’s age.

Cersei: Yeah, but Jaime also wasn’t a little crying bitch like Joffrey is. So there’s that.

Tyrion: You said it, not me.

Cersei: Oh, and hey… I forgot to mention this to you. But I’ve kidnapped your girlfriend and now I’ve got her as a hostage.

Tyrion drops his spoon, mid-eating.

Tyrion: Uhhh… what?

Cersei: Yeah. That secret girlfriend of yours? You know… the one you thought you were hiding from me? The one you take great effort at night to sneak off and have sex with? I’ve got her.

Tyrion: DAMNIT!

Cersei: You sold Myrcella to Dorne and you stole Tommen away from me. Don’t think that you can keep getting away with shit like this and not have me get revenge on you. I bet you’re trying to get Joffrey killed too now. So that you can have Tommen rule in his place, obeying you. Which is a pretty good plan because Tommen is stupid AF and will pretty much do whatever the last person told him to do.

Tyrion: Cersei… Cersei… calm down now… let’s not be rash here. I would never want to harm my own nephew. Ever!

Cersei: Mmm hmm. Whatever, dick.

Tyrion: Can I have proof that my girlfriend is alive? Pretty please.

Cersei: Oh yeah, sure.

She snaps her fingers and her hostage is brought forward.

It’s not Shae though. It’s Alayaya. Bound up in chains and beaten badly.

Tyrion: OH… OH SHIT! Hahaha… oh man. I was really worried there for a second.  But then again, I guess that you were always meant to be collateral damage, huh Yaya?  I mean the whole reason we were using you as a go-between was in case I was found out that YOU’D be the one captured anyway?

Yaya: Yeah, thanks asshole. *spits blood out*

Cersei: Wait… you don’t seem as deeply wounded and hurt by me kidnapping your girlfriend as I thought you’d be.

Tyrion: Uhh… oh. Right. Sorry, I mean “Oh no! Please let Alayaya, my girlfriend, go! Because you have the right girl.”

Cersei: You can have her AFTER the battle. After I get Tommen back from you.

Tyrion: Okay. Deal. And you better keep her safe. Because whatever happens to her, I will ALSO do to Tommen. So if she’s beaten and raped…

Cersei: --Gross. I don’t know why you had to take the conversation in that direction, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Yeah, me neither.

Cersei tries to hit him, but Tyrion grabs her arm and bends it backwards. It snaps off and she gets an infection after a few weeks and dies. Fox then reboots the Sarah Connor Chronicles.

Cersei: NO! Stop it narrator! That doesn’t happen.

Okay, fine. But that would have been cool.

Tyrion: Now release her from those chains!

Yaya: Oh, thank you so much my dear… uhh… “boyfriend.”

She gives him an obvious friend zone kiss. The kind a girl gives a guy after telling him how much like a brother she is to him.

Cersei: That was a surprisingly chaste kiss. I’d think you two would show more physical affection towards one another.

Yaya: Why? I’m a whore. Even if I WAS the right girl... why would you think that any such relationship is based on mutual affection?

Cersei: Good point, I suppose.

Tyrion: ANYWAY, you will RUE THIS DAY, CERSEI!

Tyrion then leaves and goes back to his own bedchamber in the Hand’s Tower.

Shae is there, waiting for him.

Tyrion: Oh SHAE! Thank the gods you’re safe! I was so worried for you!

Shae: What? Why?

Tyrion: Oh, my sister said that she had captured my secret lover. I thought it was you. But it was just that black prostitute that I was using as a decoy. So I feel a lot better now.

Shae: So you’re saying that you feel good because a black prostitute is getting beaten and chained up as a prisoner INSTEAD of me?

Tyrion: Yes.

Shae: How messed up is that?

Tyrion: Yeah, I’m a bit more messed up in the books. Not a straight up "good guy." I mean I did just threaten to beat and rape my own nephew.

Shae: Kinky. So are we having sex now or what?

Tyrion: Yes. All this talk about molesting my own boy nephew and having an innocent woman I used as a decoy chained up and beaten for protecting me while still not selling you out has gotten me really, really, really in the mood for sexual intercourse.

ACoK 53: Jon VII

Jon: Hey, wow. That was really quick. Another Jon Snow chapter, super close to the last one? I guess we’re entering that “exciting” part of the book where everything speeds up!

Qhorin: Yeah, the last time that happened it was your dad having all those back-to-back chapters, right? You know, right before they executed him.

Jon: Stop being such a debby downer, man.

Jon: So anyway, where are we now?

Qhorin: Still on the Skirling pass. We’re stealthily sneaking through, trying to avoid detection by Mance’s army.

Jon: Oh right. By the way, I didn’t kill that Ygritte girl. I let her go.

Qhorin: Yeah, I know.

Jon: WHAT?! Then why didn’t you say anything?

Qhorin: I told you to do what needed to be done. And you did what you needed to do. It was in your nature to let her go, and so you did.

Jon: This is super confusing.

Qhorin: Look, I’m leading a bunch of men here, including you. To led men, you have to know them. And now today I know more about you than I did before.

Jon: *whew* I’m so grateful that you’re not sore about that whole, “I let one of our enemies go who will go warn Mance and ruin all of our plans” thing. That’s reassuring. Now let me tell you this story about Bael the Bard that Ygritte told me for some particular reason.

He tells Qhorin the story. I don’t need to repeat it here. Go back two chapters if you feel like you need to be reminded.

Qhorin: Oh yeah, I know that story. Mance used to sing it when he was a ranger.

Jon: Oh WOW, that’s right. Mance Rayder used to be in the Night’s Watch. I forgot that old people like you would remember him. You even used to be friends with him or something, huh?

Qhorin: Yep. Boy, he sure did love that story about pretending to be a singer and sneaking into Winterfell. He. Sure. Did. Love. That. Story.

Jon: Okay, we get it. He loved that story/song.

Qhorin: He loved that story a lot. I MEAN REALLY. It was his favorite song to sing. Deeply embedded into his psyche. Just be aware of that. For future reference. For instance, if in a later book, that very type of situation might also come up where Mance Rayder himself, the King-Beyond-the-Wall, also wishes to dress himself up and pretend to be a bard while infiltrating Winterfell.

Jon: Okay. NOTED. Although that sounds like the type of thing that would get cut from the TV show. Anyway, so why did Mance leave the watch?

Qhorin: That's the answer to the riddle. Because that's what an 8000 pound mako thinks about. About freedom. About the deep blue sea.

Jon: Wait… what?

Qhorin: Like Ygritte was telling you. You northerners are half-Wilding. Mance’s wildling was too strong to resist. He just wanted to be free. Like the sharks in Deep Blue Sea.

Jon: Can we stop talking about Deep Blue Sea? Thinking about that movie always gives me creepy, strange nightmares.

That night, Jon has creepy, strange nightmares.

Jon: See?

But not about bioengineered sharks. Nor about Saffron Burrows stripping her tight, rubber wet suit off and standing on it to protect herself from electricity.

Jon: Damn it! Dreaming about Saffron Burrows taking her tight wet suit off would at least be a good dream. Boy, they really had to force that plot point in order to make her strip down for no particular good reason. Although they still provided more of a valid explanation than when Alice Eve stripped off in that Stark Trek movie. That one still makes no sense at all. She just met Kirk like five minutes before and starts stripping in front of him. What the hell?!

ANYWAY, Jon dreams about direwolves. In fact, he IS a direwolf. But instead of there being six wolves like there used to be, now there are only five. They are scatted and lonely when they should be together. He howls and hears someone calling his name. He turns and  sees an old weirwood tree, with his brother’s face (but with three eyes).

Jon: OH SHIT! Hi Bran! In the books I have greenseer powers too? That is awesome. Why did they leave this out of the show? All the Starks should have these minor greenseer powers! This is sweet. I smell death and darkness!

Bran / Tree / Three Eyed Crow: Yes, the darkness. Now… open your eyes!

Bran touches him and Jon is magically transported into the mountains. He’s with Ghost… or maybe he IS GHOST! They can see the Wildling camp. They see thousands of Wildlings gathered. He sees giants and mammoths as part of their army.  And then Ghost is attached by an Eagle. 

Jon: AGHH!!!!

Jon is now awake again, and freaking out.

Qhorin: SHH!!!! Calm down. We’re supposed to be quietly sneaking through this valley.

Jon: GHOST! GHOST! Where are you?

Ebben: Stop being loud, man. You’re waking us all up. And worse, you’ll wake up the Wildlings!

Jon: No seriously. I just had this dream. It was so real. I was with Ghost. Or maybe I was Ghost. And I saw the Wildling army. I saw exactly where they were. And this eagle attacked us.

Dalbridge: Haha, your dreams are lame, Jon Snow. I always dream about Saffron Burrows stripping naked.

Jon: I WANT THAT DREAM!

Qhorin: No… wait… Jon. Tell me more about this dream of yours.

Dalbridge: What? Why? Do you actually BELIEVE that nonsense? You’re taking it seriously?

Qhorin: Yes.

And so Jon recounts the dream.

Ebben: A SKINCHANGER!

Jon: Huh? What’s that now? Skinchanger? What does that mean?

Ebben: You know. Like a person that can jump his consciousness into another being's mind.

Jon: Like in Quantum Leap?

Ebben: I suppose. Although I'm talking about jumping into an animal's mind, rather than into a human's mind in the past when an important and world-changing decision needed to be made.

Dalbridge: Does free will exist? What if all the important decisions I made in my life were really just made by Scott Bakula?

Jon: So wait… by "skinchanger," are you talking about ME jumping my consciousness into Ghost’s mind? Or are you talking about how there is somewhere else out there that jumped into the Eagle’s mind?

Ebben: Probably both.

And so they set out again. Soon, they find an eagle circling them.  Jon also finds Ghost laying in the snow. He’s wounded and bleeding, with cuts from the eagle’s talons.

Jon: OH NO, GHOST! And this proves my dream was real, people. Dalbridge, you owe me five bucks.

Jon helps fix up Ghost. Fortunately the wounds aren’t that bad.

Jon: Also, this makes me feel better about this whole “letting Ygritte go” thing. Because now instead of blaming me for the Wildlings finding us since I let her go… we can just blame this magical eagle skinchanger guy. That goodness we can blame our enemies using magic to detect us.  That way I get to avoid accepting any personal responsibility for my own actions that endangered us all because I had a hard-on for a ginger.

Qhorin: Well, Mance knows we’re here. We have to turn back now and flee. Or else we’re goners.

Dalbridge: I will go up to that mountain top where Jon and Stonesnake killed the Wildlings the other night. Give me as man arrows as you can, and I will hold off Mance’s army and slow them down.

Jon: BY GAWD, that’s a suicide mission, Dalbridge. You’ll never make it out alive!

Dalbridge: I… I know!

Dramatic music plays, like what happens in every movie where one person is left behind to die in order to ensure that the others get out alive.

Jon: But I guess you’re a minor character anyway, so we won’t really miss you. I mean I’m not sure if you were ever really mentioned before this chapter. I suppose since you’ll die and we’ll never see or hear from you again, now is your chance to let us know any important backstory or other items we should know about you.

Dalbridge: Well, I’m obviously a veteran ranger, posted at the Shadow Tower. I’m renowned as a great archer. Perhaps the greatest in the kingdom with the best eyesight. I’m nicknamed “Squire Dalbridge” because as a young man I was a squire for King Jaehaerys II Targaryen.

Jon: So you’re like an old version of Hawkeye from Marvel, huh?

Dalbridge: Yeah, I suppose.

A hunting horn in the distance sounds from Mance Rayder’s men.

Qhorin: They’re coming. 

Jon: Okay, bye Dalbridge!

They leave Dalbridge behind.

RIP Dalbridge 254 AC(ish?) – 299 AC.

ACoK 52: Sansa IV

Sansa: Well, the city is on fire.

Dontos: Yep.

Sansa and Dontos meet in the godswood, as you can see above.  As you can also see above, Kings Landing is on fire.

Sansa: Well,  this sucks.

Dontos: Stannis burned the godswood in Storm’s End. As well as the city’s Great Sept. These are terrible times.

Sansa: Ah, well fuck the Great Sept here. They can burn it too. Remember my father was executed here?

Dontos: Oh right. Anyway, before he left... my “good friend” who will help you escape from here promised me that he has everything planned to take you to safety when the time is right.

Sansa: Yeah, yeah. That guy. You know we haven’t really talked about that guy much. You have a secret friend who will help me escape, but you never explained who he was.

Dontos: No. I did not.

Sansa: But now you just gave a little more away. You said that he left.

Dontos: Oh. I did? I mean… erm… uhh…

Sansa: Which means that the person who is helping me out is currently NOT in Kings Landing. Although he was, until somewhat recently, in Kings Landing.

Dontos: Sure, I suppose.

Sansa: If there was only some character who fit that description. You know, like a major character that was in Kings Landing and was sent away to perform some sort of task. Only his current location is unknown.

Dontos: Indeed. If only there was some character like that.  Now let’s kiss!

Dontos tries to make out with Sansa. Sansa who is, I will remind you, a little girl that hasn’t even had her period yet.  Dontos is, of course, drunk. He’s always drunk. He’s pretty much late 1990s/Early 2000s Robert Downey Jr.

Sansa: Uhh… no thanks, Dontos. Get the hell off me.

She leaves.

She heads up to the roof of her tower, feeling all mopey and sad. Will Stannis’s army really come and burn the city down? And if he does – is that a good thing or a bad thing?

The Hound: Hey.

Sansa: AGH!!!! Oh… It’s you. You scared me. What with your hideous, scarred face and everything.

Hound: You weren’t scared of my face when I was helping pull you out of that mob that wanted to rape and murder you. Not necessarily in that order.

Sansa: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So thank you.

Hound: Sure. Sure. “Thank you.” What a load of BS. I get no joy from your thanks, little bird. The only joy I get is from killing.

Sansa: Ah, well a war is about to happen so I think you’re in luck.

Hound: But look at all these fires being set. What kind of coward fights with fire?

Sansa: The kind that has pretty good battle strategies, given that they are aware of the mass chaos and fear caused by fire?

Hound: SHUT UP!

Sansa: I think it’s just you who has a problem with fire and are all afraid of it. You know, what with your brother burning half of your face off as a child.

Hound: I SAID SHUT UP! I’m not afraid! I’m afraid of nothing!

Sansa: Right. Except for fire and your brother, you are afraid of nothing.

Hound: *grumble*grumble*

Sansa: And maybe the gods too.

Hound: Gods? What gods?  The gods that cause all this chaos and death in the world? The gods that allow rape and murder and pediatric cancer?  Yeah honey, I got some news to break to you. There are just as many gods as there are true knights.

Sansa: Sooo… seven?

Hound: NONE!

Later that night, Sansa is asleep in bed and has a nightmare. She’s back in that mob again. The crowd is attacking her. She’s being stabbed and murdered and she’s bleeding. Bleeding everywhere. She’s even being stabbed in the vagina too.

Dream Sansa: OW! Why would you stab me in the vagina? I’m all covered in blood between my legs! Nasty! Gross! OW! OW! OW!

Sansa wakes up from that horrible dream, because being stabbed in the vagina is an awful dream.

Sansa: *WHEW* I’m so glad that was just a dream. But it felt so real. It really felt like I had been stabbed in the vagina and that I was bleeding everywhere. The feeling of sticky blood between my legs was so visceral. Incredibly realistic. In fact, it’s almost like I can still feel it.

She looks down.

Her bed is covered in blood.

Between her legs.

Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!

Sansa gets up and starts running around, panicking.

Sansa: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! It was literally just noted earlier in this chapter how I was still a girl who hadn’t yet had her period. Now this? If they find out that I’ve had my period, then  they’re going to rush my marriage Joffrey. And then I’ll have to have sex with him. The guy who ordered my father to be murdered. I must find some logical way to get out of this situation!

And so Sansa does the only logical thing she can think of. She runs down to the nearby Kings Landing Exxon and fills a couple of buckets up with gasoline. She then douses it all over her room and sets the place on fire, along with her dirty clothes and bedsheets.

Her maids come into her room.
Maid: WHAT THE HELL?!

Sansa: NOTHING. YOU SEE NOTHING. AGHHH!!!!!

Hours later, Sansa is sitting in a chair before the Queen at breakfast.

Cersei: Well, that grand stroke of yours wasn’t quite the brilliant master-plan you thought it would be, huh?  Tried to burn your entire tower down in order to hide the fact that you had your first period?

Sansa: It seemed sensible at the time. What with me being covered in blood and everything. Blood is scary.

Cersei: You had nothing to fear about the blood, little one. It was only your first flowering. Didn’t your parents teach you about the birds and the bees?

Sansa: Oh yeah, I remember my dad said he was going to teach me about that. Then what happened? OH RIGHT. You locked him up in a dungeon and had him executed.

Cersei: *shrug*

Sansa: I just thought my first period would be… more… more… magical. With Unicorns and shit.

Cersei: Hahaha, no. We’re women. Now that you’re of reproductive age, the rest of your life is pretty much going to be pain, blood and screaming.  Anyway, you know what your first flowering means, right?

Sansa: *sigh* It means I’m ready to be wedded and bedded.

Cersei: You don’t seem that enthusiastic about that. And look, I know Joffrey can be “difficult” sometimes…

Sansa: --Yeah, don’t you hate it when you have a “difficult” fiancé who does “difficult” things like murdering your father? That’s so very “difficult.”

Cersei: Look bitch, let’s not make this about you. Let’s make this about me. Robert was never even around for my births. It was always Jaime who saw my children being born.

Sansa: Yeah, Robert wasn’t around for the conceptions either, was he?

Cersei: What was that?

Sansa: Huh?

Cersei: What did you just say to me?

Sansa: What did who just say to who? Huh? I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything.

Cersei: Yes you did!

Sansa: You must be hearing things. What with all that wine drinking.

Cersei: Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to love your husband. I never loved mine. But despite that, you will love your children that you have with him.

Sansa: Oh no, your Grace. I “love Joffrey with all my heart.”

Cersei: I can see those quotation marks around your sentence. You’re being sarcastic. You don’t have to be sarcastic with me, girl. Trust me. Stannis won’t want to hear that kind of thing either if he wins.

Sansa: The High Septon says Stannis will never win because he’s on the side of the wrong gods. And Joffrey is the rightful king.

Cersei: Wow, you are dumb as shit.

Sansa: Isn’t this chapter supposed to end with you making some metaphor about love being sweet but poison being sweet too?

Cersei: I think I was supposed to. But now I just want to end it talking about how dumb you are.

ACoK 51: Jon VI

Qhorin Halfhand and his party, which includes a guy named “Jon Snow” (that might or might not be an important character) move through the Skirling Pass.

Jon Snow: Oh shit, hey look! A fire. Way up there on that mountain top thingie!

Qhorin: Those must be Mance Rayder’s scouts. I need two of you to go up and kill them.

Stonesnake: Dibs! Me!

Jon: Oh! Oh! Me too!

Qhorin: Okay Snow, you can go. But you have to leave that wolf behind.

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Aww, I want to be part of the killing!]

And so Jon and Stonesnake climb up a dangerous and precarious cliff. They can’t go up there with horses or anything. They have to go up by hand. Just pretend it’s like scaling Mount Everest or something. Very dangerous.

Stonesnake: I think I see Greenboots over there!

Jon: Huh?

Stonesnake: Never mind. Everest joke. Google it.

Jon: Oh, okay.

And so they climb the cliffs. They have to use their bare hands, because with gloves they won’t have a good grip. Climbing with their bare hands up this jagged rock is really treacherous. For one, their hands are freezing cold. The rocks also cut Jon’s hands up pretty bad and he starts bleeding. And Jon’s hands aren’t in that great condition anyway. Remember that whole burning his hand thing? Yeah. He’s still dealing with that. Jon wishes he was as good a climber as his cousin, Bran.

Jon: Wait, Mr. Narraotor… why did you say “cousin?” Bran is my brother. Or my half-brother, at least.

Oh yeah, right. “Brother.” Sure. Because you’re Ned Stark’s “son.”

Jon: Right.

Stonesnake: This mountain is your mother.

Jon: The Mountain is my mother? Gregor Clegane is my mom? That's the craziest theory I've ever heard.

Stonesnake: No. This mountain. It's like a metaphor.

Jon: I'm confused. I thought my mom was supposed to be some ho from the south that my dad met.

Stonesnake: Never mind. This made more sense in the context of the book. Let's move on.

So anyway, Stonesnake helps lead Jon up a path, and they make it to the top. It’s the middle of the night and there they see three Wildlings.

Jon: [whispering] Shit. Three? I thought it was supposed to be two!

Stonesnake: Yeah, and one of them has a horn. If they blow that horn and warn Mance’s main army, we’re all done for. So somehow, we need to be able to kill these three Wildlings with just the two of us… in quick enough time to make sure that one with the horn doesn’t blow it first.

Jon: Okay, but that one there with the red hair is asleep on the ground. So maybe we’ll be in luck.

Stonesnake: Yeah. Since I’m the more experienced fighter, I’ll go for the one with the horn. You get that other one there by the camp fire. Then go for the third sleeping one after. 

Jon nods, and they go into action.

Stonesnake jumps at the guy with the horn and there is a bit of a struggle. But he takes him out successfully.  Jon also kills the second one just as the third one starts to wake up with the noise.

Jon grabs the third one and puts his knife to the Wildling’s neck. Just as he is about to slit the neck…

Jon: --Wait… are those boobs?

Wildling: Uh… yeah. I’m a girl.

Jon: Oh man. I was not prepared for this.

Stonesnake: KILL HER!

Jon: Kill a girl? No way! I’ve never killed a girl before. Will you yield?

Wildling: What? Will I yield as opposed to having my neck sliced open? Sure. I yield.

Jon: Sweet!

Stonesnake: The Halfhand didn’t say anything about taking prisoners! She’s a spearwife. She’ll gut you the first chance she gets. Kill her now!

Jon: No way. She yielded. Plus she kind of reminds me of my sister, Arya. Except, you know, she has a different height, weight, hair color, and facial bone structure. But other than that, she’s a lot like my sister.

Stonesnake: So? Who cares if she yielded? You can kill someone after they yielded. Didn’t you read any of those Arya chapters with the Lannister-allied forces killing yielding people?

Jon: Lannisters are bad guys! I’m a good guy.  So tell me, Ginger Wildling Girl, what’s your name?

Wildling: Ygritte.

Jon: Oh, that’s a really cool name. You seem like a cool girl. And kind of hot. Maybe we’ll develop a sexual relationship with one another despite my vows as a brother of the Night's Watch to never be with a woman.

Ygritte: That’s a really odd thing to say after you just said that I reminded you of your sister, but okay. Whatever it takes to leave here with my neck still attached to my head. So what’s your name?

Jon: Jon Snow.

Ygritte: Ugh. “Snow?” Isn’t that an evil name or something?

Jon: No! It’s not evil. It’s a bastard’s name. When nobility have bastard children, they’re called “Snow.” My father is Ned Stark.

Ygritte: Oh great. A damn STARK. It’s not like you’re the arch enemies of us Wildlings or anything. OH WAIT. YOU ARE.

Jon: *shrugs*

Ygritte: I’d recommend you burn the bodies of my two dead colleagues here, if you know what I mean.

Jon: Yeah. Dead rising from their graves and everything. I’m aware. Sounds like a good idea.

Stonesnake: NO! No fires! Mance will see them. Let’s just roll their bodies off the side of the cliff here. The bodies will get torn up along the way and probably eaten by Shadowcats.

Jon: COOL! SHADOWCATS! It’s been a while since we had a nice Shadowcat reference.

And so they grab the bodies of Ygritte’s two fellow Wildlings and throw them off the cliff.
Jon: So, sorry about that. Murdering your friends and all.

Ygritte: Meh. They weren’t really my friends any more than you two are.

Jon: I’m confused. Maybe if you tell me a story it will help me out and provide context.

Ygritte: Okay, sure. Once a long time ago there was a King-Beyond-the-Wall named "Bael." He was enemies with King Brandon the Daughterless.  Bael posed as a bard and got invited to Winterfell, where he performed so well that King Brandon granted him any favor that he requested. Bael requested a winter rose – the rarest and most beautiful blue flower in the north. Brandon agreed. But what Brandon didn’t realize was that the beautiful flower was just, like, a metaphor for his daughter’s vagina. So the next day, Bael and Brandon’s daughter vanished, with the winter rose being left in her place. Brandon sent out men everywhere to find his daughter, but he wasn’t able to.  A year later, Bael returned her back to Winterfell except now she also had a baby because he knocked her up. But Brandon didn’t have any sons, so by default that Wildling son of Bael with Brandon’s daughter was the heir and became the next Lord Stark after Brandon died. So, really, the Wildlings and Starks are all related and we’re the same extended family.

Jon: Bullshit.

Ygritte: *shrug* Yeah. Probably. Aren’t all the old stories bullshit though?

Jon: I’ve never even heard of "Brandon the Daughterless." That’s not even a real Brandon. And how is he Daughterless if he has a Daughter in the story?

Ygritte: Oh yeah, right. There is a second half to the story. So anyway, thirty years after all of this… Bael was still King Beyond the Wall and led his free folk south. He met the Starks at a battle at the Frozen Ford but refused to kill Lord Stark. Why? Because this Lord Stark was his own son.  So instead the son killed the father.  But you know how the gods hate kinslayers, right? King Stark returned form the battle with Bael’s head on a spear. But King Stark’s mom saw the head and immediately recognized it as Bael – her lover and her son’s father. She was so stricken with grief that she threw herself off a tower and died. And the son didn’t last much longer than the mother. One of his lords rebelled against him and peeled his skin off to wear as a cloak.

Jon: Again, this story sounds implausible.

Stonesnake: Hrm. I dunno. It’s not like GRRM inserts these types of long, narrative stories about history for no reason. They all seem to pay off somehow. I’m picking up two major themes from this story: first and most obvious is that the Wildlings and the Starks have more in common than they have apart. We northerners like to think ourselves different, but in the end we’re really mainly the same.  And the second theme I’d pick up on is about that being skinned alive and worn as a cloak thing. You know how the flayed man is the symbol of the House Bolton, right?

Jon: Sure.

Stonesnake: Maybe that means we can’t trust the Boltons or something like hat.

Jon: Eh, no way! You’re reading waaaaay too much into this. It’s just a story.

The next morning, Halfhand and the rest of the party arrive. Ghost is among them.

Qhorin: WHAT THE  HELL?! A prisoner?! I didn’t say anything about prisoners!

Jon: Sorry. She yielded.

Ghost jumps up and affectionately licks Jon’s face.

Ygritte: What the hell? He’s friends with a direwolf? That’s CRAZY!

Qhorin: Sorry Jon, I know you found yourself a hot ginger girl. But you know what needs to be done. We’ll leave you alone with her. Go ahead and do it.

Jon: Wait… so are we talking about me killing her or having sex with her?

Qhorin: I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.”

Jon: *sigh* Okay.

And so Jon marches Ygritte off to the side of the mountain to do the killing deed.

Ygritte: You sure you don’t want to join the Free Folk? You seem like you’d be better with the Free Folk than with these stupid Southerners.

Jon: Southerners? What the hell are you talking about? We’re Northerners.

Ygritte: Well, you’re south of where I’m from. So you’re Southerners.

Jon: Fair enough.

Jon pulls out his sword.

Ygritte: *sigh* Just make it quick. Cut cleanly.

Jon raises his sword. Then he puts it down.

Jon: Go.

Ygritte: Wait… what?

Jon: I said, “GO!” Do it before I change my mind!

Ygritte: So you’re not going to kill me?

Jon: No, now LEAVE!

Ygritte: I mean we could do the sex thing instead if you want.

Jon: Nah, I’m pretty sure you’d stab me in the middle of it. NOW GIT!

She runs away.

Jon: Well, what are the chances I’ll ever see her again? Probably slim to none, right?

ACoK 50: Theon IV

Theon has been having nightmares. He wakes up and notices that the direwolves are pretty quiet.

Theon: Hey! The direwolves and pretty quiet!

See?

Theon: Wex, Urzen… go check on the direwolves.

They go to check on the direwolves.  Then they come back. Wex and Urzen, I mean. Not the direwolves.

Urzen: Uh, yeah. They’re gone.

Wex: [says noting because he’s mute… remember? This character trait was built it solely for the “Theon tries to fuck his sister” joke, and now you have to put up with]

Theon: WHAT?! GONE?!

Urzen: Yeah. Oh, and since they were gone… we also went to go check on the Stark boys too. They’re gone as well. And some of our men at the Hunter’s Gate are dead.

Theon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Okay. Someone has to know where they went. Have the entire castle woken up and brought to the courtyard. I can’t believe these dicks have repaid my kindness and gentleness with this treachery.

Urzen: You’re referring to the kindness and gentleness of you betraying them despite the fact that they raised you from a boy in order to have your men kill and rape several of them and take over their castle?

Theon: What? NO! I’m a great leader! And I look down on the raping and killing. Why I had several of my own men whipped and punished for raping and killing.

Urzen: Not for killing Septon Chayle though.

Theon: Oh yeah. Right.

FLASHBACK!!!

Theon: Well Septon Chayle, it’s sort of an Ironborn tradition to sacrifice someone to the Drowned God as soon as we take a city.

Septon Chayle: What the fuck, man? Why does it have to be me? I’m the librarian.

Theon: No hard feelings. It’s not personal. It’s just that you sort of represent the religion of the seven and stuff. So it’s especially fitting if we execute you to our god. You know. Also, you annoy me with all that shit about library books being due.

Chayle: YOU STILL HAVE SEVERAL BOOKS, DUE! THEON! RETURN THOSE BOOKS BEFORE YOU—

Theon kicks Septon Chayle over and tosses him down the well. He drowns.

Chayle: *glug*glug*LIBRARY BOOKS*glug*

The end of Septon Chayle. RIP.

Theon: Look, okay. Yeah. I murdered Septon Chayle. Whatever. Just Shut up and just gather everyone like I said. Oh, and also send word to my sister at Deepwood Motte that we need some assistance to help us secure the castle.

Urzen: Okay, I'll go and run to your sister to tell her you need help.

Theon: Huh? NO! Don't phrase it like that!

And so, as his men go to gather all the residents of Winterfell in the courtyard, Theon goes to investigate the dead men at the Hunter’s Gate.

Theon: Hrm. Gross. Look at this guy’s entrails all cut out and spilled all over the place. These guts look like a bunch of pale snakes. And it looks like this other guard was killed mid-coitus. Which means a woman was involved in his murder! So while I may have betrayed Ned Stark’s legacy,  I still have his special CSI skills that he taught me. So I’ll use those deductive powers to divine that it was actually OSHA who killed him! Yes, Osha. I should have known to kill that Wildling bitch rather than let her live. And saying "Osha" reminds me of Asha, my sister. I hate her too! Oh… wow… is this the chapter that the show runners of Game of Thrones read when they decided to change Asha’s name to Yara? Because I somewhat explicitly point out here how similar their names are. I guess when they read this they were like, “Oh hey. Those do sound similar. It might confuse fans. Let’s change one of their names.”

Random Iron Isles Guy: Uhh… Theon… are you narrating aloud on purpose or is this supposed to all be thoughts in your head? Because you sound like a crazy guy now.

Theon: SILENCE! Now to go to the courtyard and interrogate the castle folk.

Theon goes to the courtyard, where all the men and women of Wniterfell are assembled. "Reek" is there too.

Theon: Okay, someone here spill the beans or I’ll have to start killing people.

"Reek:" Prince Greyjoy! Those bog people are gone too. That pot smoker Jojen and his sister, Meera. They must be involved in the disappearance of the Stark boys. No horses were taken though. Oh yeah, and Hodor’s also one. Figured he was worth mentioning.

Theon: Ah! Then they are on foot. That’s good. Easier to catch. Now townspeople, tell me where they went!

Townspeople: Nah.

Reek: You know, I used to work for Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Bolton. I’m not him though.

Theon: I never said you were him.

Reek: Yeah, yeah. Sure. But let’s just hypothetically say I WAS him though.

Theon: Well, you’re not. You’re Reek.

Reek: Right, of course. But just some role-playing here… pretend I am Ramsay Snow. If I were him, then I would tell you that you should flay these townspeople the way the Boltons flayed their prisoners in the old days. Tear their skins off and crucify them upsidedown.

Theon: Creepy. I’m not sure I like this role-playing thing you’re doing, Reek, who is totally not just Ramsay Snow in disguise.

Reek: Oh come on, it’s fun. You try it!

Theon: Like how? You want me to pretend to be you or something?

Reek: Hrm. Not a bad idea. Theon as the next Reek. Hrmmmmmmmm.

“Reek” writes that down in his notebook.

Theon: ANYWAY… I’m going to conscript a bunch of you to be huntsman with me. Let’s get those dogs and go off to the woods, looking for those Stark boys! Maester Luwin, you join us too.

Luwin: What? Why?

Theon: *shrugs*

Kid Noise: I WANT TO JOIN TOO!

Theon: Who the hell are you?

Little Walder Frey: Hey, I’m one of the two Frey kids. You know, Walder and Walder. I’m the fat one and I hate the Starks. I want to help hunt them too.

Theon: Sure, whatever. I’ll take what I can get.

And so Theon and company go off hunting for the Stark kids. Their dogs follow the scent of the wolves north.

Theon: Haha! These dogs are catching up to them. We’ll have them soon!

Luwin: Theon, I implore you to have mercy on the boys. You know how important they will be as hostages, right? And the Reed kids as well. They’re worth much more alive than dead.

Theon: Hrm, good points. I’ll spare them if I can. And that Hodor guy, because I love his eloquent speaking skills so much. But that Osha girl… I’ll have no mercy on her! Because she reminds me of my sister who I have really messed up feelings and emotions about.

Luwin: Yes, and you’re generally a misogynist and asshole.

Theon: Correct.

And so they continue to follow the smell train of the wolves when they hit a river. But then the scent diverges to a path that he knows the boys couldn’t have gone. But the wolves could have.

Theon: DAMNIT! The wolves obviously separated from the kids at some point. We’ve been following the wrong trail. Plus it seems like the wolves might have doubled back somewhere. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!

Theon orders his men to go backwards. They search and search and search. And find nothing.

Little Walder: You know, those nasty frog eaters have magic. They’re probably using that magic to hide.

Theon: Shut up you fat little bitch, nobody believes that.

Luwin: Actually, Theon. He’s fairly close to the truth These crannogmen have a deep connection to nature. It’s said they are related to the children of the forest. They likely have secret knowledge that could help them evade us.

Theon: FUUUUUUUCK AGAIN! It’s almost nightfall. If I go back to Winterfell without those boys, I’ll be a laughing stock! I need to find them.

Reek: Oh Theon, Prince Theon! I bet I know where those kids are hiding. At the old mill by the Acorn Water. You know, where that Miller and his wife live with their two kids.

Theon: Oh right. I once banged that Miller’s wife when the Miller was away. She’s sort of hot. Why would you think that Bran and Rickon are at the Acorn Water?

Reek: *ahem*… You know. Those two boys. Who are, coincidentally, about the same age as Bran and Rickon.

Theon: Right. I know the Miller and his wife have two kids. What does that have to do with the Stark kids?

Reek: *sigh* Check this out!

Reek shows Theon something he’s been hiding in his bag – a wolfshead brooch, an article of clothes that the Stark boys often wear.

Theon: So? You have one of their brooches. Big deal.

Reek: Oh man, Theon. You’re a bit slow. TWO KIDS. THE SAME AGES AS BRAN AND RICKON. And we know exactly where those two boys are.

Theon: Still not following.

Reek: See, this is why everybody hates you, Theon.

ACoK 49: Tyrion X

Tyrion: Sorry Macho, it’s been real. But it’s time for your recurring joke character to leave.

Macho Man: OOOHHH YEAH. NO WAIT. THE MA-CHO MAN MEANS “OH NO!” WHAT YOU DOING, HALF-MAN?

Tyrion: Well, that whole “Tyrion has Vale Clansmen following him around” plot was good for a hot minute. But now I’ve got to send the rest of you off to terrorize and raid Stannis’s forces. That’s just how it’s got to be.

Macho Man: BUT THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NOBODY TO PROTECT YOU EXCEPT FOR BRONN AND HIS SELLSWORDS.

Tyrion: True. Whose loyalty will turn instantly if we lose. And I also have the totally unreliable City Watch as well. I get that it sucks. I’m not happy about it either. But that’s just how the story goes because GRRM has straight up run out of ideas for what to do with you guys.

Macho Man: GOODBYE LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE!

Macho Man then ascends to heaven.

Tyrion: Weird. Now… moving on…

Someone throws a fish at Tyrion.

Tyrion: Gross. Anyway, Bronn. Burn this entire slum down.

Bronn: That’s a pretty harsh reaction to a person throwing a fish at you.

Tyrion: No, not as revenge for the fish. I don’t care about the fish. But all these shanty houses along the quay will make it easier for Stannis’s men to climb the walls when they attack. If we destroy the houses… we harm Stannis’s chances of a successful invasion.

And a successful invasion of a city is on Tyrion’s mind right now. He just got word about the fall of Winterfell to that lame-ass Greyjoy kid.
Tyrion: Man, I’m kind of torn here. On one hand, I thought those Starks were pretty cool people and it’s totally odd that they don’t control Winterfell anymore. But on the other hand, we’re kind of at war with them. And the fall of Winterfell will mean that Robb Stark will have to turn his forces around to take back his home rather than fight us.

Later, back at the Red Keep, Tyrion has to attend a boring-ass ceremony where the (new, non-murdered) High Septon and Joffrey make Osmond Kettleblack and Balon Swann the newest members of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, right. Because Preston Greenfield got beaten to death. And Boros Blount… well… that punk ass totally ran like a scared little bitch when I had Jacelyn Bywater take Tommen captive to protect him. Cersei didn’t like that, and so she had Blount put in the dungeons. Which is cool with me because Blount is awful.  This Swann guy seems like he might be good. But Kettleblack? What a waste of space. He’s the worst. I guess the only good thing about him is that he sells everyone out that he works with. And so, like with Lancel, he’s a double agent working for myself in addition to Cersei and she doesn’t know it.

After the ceremony is done, Tyrion goes up to then new High Septon.

Tyrion: Hey, you should tell everybody that Stannis plans to burn the Great Sept of Baelor if he takes the city.

High Septon: WHAT?! Is that true? Where did you get your intel from?

Tyrion: Hey man. It might be true, it might not. So far everywhere he’s been he’s burned the septs to the seven as well as the godswoods. He’d probably do it here too. All for that red god of his. The people here really like their gods, so telling them Stannis plans to do this will keep them on our side. You do want them on our side, right? Rather than turning on us and killing us like the mob did to the last High Septon, right?

High Septon: Ah. Got it. So I’ll tell everyone.

Next Tyrion moves on to other business. He gets a letter from Balon Greyjoy, offering an alliance in return for giving up the North to him.

Tyrion: Nah.

And after that, Tyrion meets with Hallyne the Pyromancer from the Alchemists’ Guild.

Tyrion: So how is that wildfire going, huh? You guys got enough of it yet?

Hallyne: Ah, erm… yeah. About that, Lord Hand. You see… we actually are way AHEAD of schedule.

Tyrion: Well then tell your men to speed up the—wait… whaaaaaaaaaaat? Did you say AHEAD of schedule?

Hallyne: Yes. We found some extra stockpiles laying around. So that was good. But more importantly, the magic spells we are using to make the wildfire are simply working better now than they ever did before.

Tyrion: Magic spells? You’re just trying to sound fancy, aren’t you? Your men are simply more practiced at making the wildfire now, so they’re getting better at it.

Hallyne: Ahm, maybe. Perhaps a little. But something is different now. Our secret spells have never been this potent before. The only reason I can logically think of why this is so, is if dragons have come back to the world. Old Wisdom Pollitor theorizes that the magic in the world started to die out when the last dragon died. But if dragons are back… well… You don’t suppose there are any dragons about, do you?

Tyrion: Highly unlikely. Okay. NEXT!

Tyrion’s rotating door of visitors keeps on going. Next up is Jacelyn Bywater.

Jacelyn: Lord Hand, Prince Tommen is safe and doing well in Rosby.  If the city is to fall, I have plans to move Tommen somewhere else even safer.

Tyrion: Really? Where?

Jacelyn: You told me to tell you nothing of those plans before, Ser.

Tyrion: Yeah, well. I changed my mind.  Where will Tommen be taken if Kings Landing falls?

Jacelyn: No, Lord Hand. I will not tell you. Is this some sort of test?

Tyrion: HAH! See… you’re going places, Jacelyn. Good job. Yes, it was a test. And you passed. Okay. NEXTTTTT!!!!

Varys: Next is me!

Tyrion: Oh. You’re not disguised as some shit this time, Varys? You’re just being yourself.

Varys: Yes.

Tyrion: What you got for me?

Varys: There is a group of merchant conspirators going around and calling themselves “the Antler Men” in support of the stag of House Baratheon and Stannis. Master Armorer Sallorean is part of the conspiracy. They plan to seize the old gate and let the enemy into the city.

Tyrion: What kind of treacherous assholes would open the gates of the city to their enemies and let them take it?

Varys: …

Tyrion: Hahaha, come on, Varys! Lighten up. I’m kidding with you. I know that’s EXACTLY what the Lannisters did in Robert’s Rebellion. Anyway. I guess round up the usual suspects and arrest them. I’ll write the order. I don’t like that Sallorean guy anyway. Remember he was the guy who annoyed me about how he was too good to work on my chain? Fuck that guy.

ACoK 48: Daenerys IV, Part 2

And now, the epic conclusion! Dany continues to wander through the House of Undying, seeing strange visions. Are they real? Or are they result of a gallon of PCP that a dwarf made her drink before entering the room?

Dany: I bet it's the PCP.

Yeah. Probabaly. 

ANYWAY... Dany has just confronted a false vision of the warlock, Pyat Pree, who tried to lead her the wrong way. But she didn't fall for that and instead turned to the right. The fake Pree crumbled to dust and died. There. Enough recap for you?

Dany now goes up a flight of stairs and then through the next door on the right. There, she finds a bunch of warlocks wearing beautiful, beautiful clothes. Robes. Velvet. Armor studded with gemstones. Tall, pointed hats with stars on them.

Dany: Tall, pointed hats with stars on them? Wait... you mean like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia?

Warlock: Come, Dany. Come and share our food with us forever. It's from Whole Foods.

Lady Warlock: Yes, come. And look at my perfect breast, hanging out of my shirt. 

Dany: Ah, yeah. It was unnecessary to mention that. Trust me, I noticed. You thirst AF for attention.

King Warlock: We knew you were coming. For it was prophesied a thousand years ago!

Warrior Warlock: We have great knowledge to share with you. And magical weapons. Magical weapons are pretty cool, right? Just come through this door on the left with us and you can see them.

Dany: Sure, sounds legit.

Drogon then jumps off of Dany's shoulder and starts biting at a door. He squawks a few times.

Handsome Warlock: Want to know what he's saying? I can teach you the dragon language!

But Drogon turns around and gives Dany that universal "Nah, girl" head shake. 

Dany: OH SHIT! You're right, Drogon. That was another trick! I may not know the Dragon language, but I know Dragon sass when I see it! I'll go through this door on the right, instead. They were trying to hide this one to the right behind a Japanese Byōbu folding screen.

She goes to the right.  There she finds a stone table. A rotting human heart floats above it in the air. A number of 7'1" tall shadows then emerge and begin to talk.

Dany: Yikes. This is the craziest thing yet. This is a full-on Frida Kahlo painting now.

Shadows: Mother of Dragons, we are the shape of shadows. We are the morrows not made. Place the cool icyness on you. Place the warm hotness on you. Icy Hot.

Dany: Waaait a minute... are you just Shaq again?

Shaqdows:  Uhh... no. Of course we are not not. Mother of dragons. Child of three.

Dany: Wait... whut? Child of three? There goes that "three" shit again. I'm actually the youngest child of SEVEN. My dad and mom did it a lot. Some of it was rape. There is Rhaegar, of course. Then Shaena (stillborn), Daeron (lived a year and a half), Aegon (lived less than a year), Jaehaerys (ditto), Viserys (you remember him, my husband melted his face with gold), and then me. So does the three refer to Rhaehar, Viserys and me? You know... the ones that lived until adulthood?

We'll give Dany a pass on this one. She's not an adult yet, even though she's been raped, married, pregant, had a stillborn child, and been widowed. But it's been a rough Teen Mom childhood for her.

Shaqdows: Three heads has the dragon. Mother of Dragons. Child of Storm.

Dany: From X-Men?

Shaqdows: Three fires must you light... one for life, one for death, and one to love. Three mounts must you ride... one to bed, one to dread, and one to love. Three treasons will you know... one for blood,  one for gold, and one for love.

Dany: Yikes. There is a lot to decompress in that, huh? Let me try to figure all those riddles out. Okay. The fires one is straight forward enough. I lit that pyre. It was only one pyre, but I think it counts as all three. The life part is the life it gave to my dragons. The death part is the death of Miri Maaz Duur. And then the love part is for my husband, Drogo.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Yeah, solid theories.]

Dany: Next is the mounts I must ride. I'm going to guess that that's probably supposed to be taken sexually, huh? Like three people I either have or am going to copulate with? Since I've only been with one man so far, I'm not sure how to take that. Or maybe the riding could literally refer to riding animals. Like that horse of mine. Or one of these Dragons that I'll ride when I get bigger.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Hrmm, probably not enough information at this point. We'll have to come back and address this one later.]

Dany: And last... the three treasons. The blood one is definitely Miri Maaz Duur again, because that bitch betrayed me with blood magic. But the gold and love betrayals? I don't know anything about those!

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Come on Mommy, figure it out! The gold one is obviously Jorah!]

Dany: Oh, Drogon! Your baby roars are so cute. I wish I could understand what you were saying.

Suddenly then, Viserys appears before her. It's actually Viserys this time. Not Rhaegar. Molten gold flows down his face, which melts off.

Dany: AGH! That's super creepy to see again.

A tall lord with copper skin and silver-gold hair stands beneath the banner of a fiery stallion, with a city burning behind him.

Dany: Well that one is my son, if he had lived and grown up. What a handsome man!

Rubies then fly like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sinks to his knees in the water. With his dying breath, he begins to murmur the name of the woman he loves.

Dany: Oh! Rubies falling from a chest! That's Rhaegar again! At the Ruby Ford when the usurper, Robert, smashed him in the chest with his war hammer. That's probably the EASIEST vision yet! And the name he's going to say is clearly his wife, Eli--

Rhaegar: --Lyanna!

Dany: Ah. That was unexpected. 

Glowing like sunset, a red sword is raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who casts no shadow.

Dany: Stannis.

A cloth dragon sways on poles amidst a cheering crowd.

Dany: Probably Faegon/Young Griff. We'll have to wait a few books to find out for sure.

From a smoking tower, a great stone beast awakens and spreads its wings and breaths fire.

Dany: Oh cool! Is Dragonstone actually made out of Dragons or something? Let's see if Melisandre looks into that theory further.

A corpse stands at the prow of a ship, eyes bright in his dead face, and his grey lips smiling sadly.

Dany: Probably Jon Connington. Same as Faegon above though. To be determined.

A blue flower grows from a chink in a wall of ice, and fills the air with sweetness.

Dany: Lyanna again.

Shadows whirl and danced inside a tent, boneless and terrible.

Dany: Miri Maaz Duur's blood magic.

A little girl runs barefoot toward a big house with a red door.

Dany: Me as a kid in Braavos back in the Willem Darry days. As explained earlier this chapter. Are these supposed to be getting easier?

Mirri Maz Duur shrieks in the flames, and a dragon bursts out from her brow.

Dany: Do I need to explain this one? The pyre. Mirri dies. My dragons are born. Duh.

Behind a silver horse, the bloody corpse of a naked man bounces.

Dany: That wine seller who tried to poison me. That's what Drogo did to him.

A white lion runs through the grass, taller than a man.

Dany: Well, if we're being literal... that lion that Drogo killed for me to give me his pelt. Or if we're being symbolic... something to do with a Lannister? Tyrion? I dunno. But Tyrion is shorter than a man, rather than taller. Tough one.

Beneath the Mother of Mountains, a line of naked crones creeps up from a great lake and kneel shivering before her.

Dany: The Dosh Khaleen. But that didn't happen when I last met them. So maybe in the future?

Ten thousand slaves lift their hands up and cheer for her, crying out, "Mother!"

Dany: Yunkai. Also future.

The shadows and visions then turn darker, and begin to pull Dany in. They attack her. But Dany is transfixed and she can't do anything.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Okay, enough of this vision shit. I'm done.]

Drogon takes a deep breath and then opens his mouth. FUCKING FIRE COMES OUT, PEOPLE. FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He burns the rotting, floating heart. It starts to get extra crispy and Drogon starts tearing at it with this teeth. It's probably not that delicious, but whatever.

Dany snaps out of whatever trance she was in.

Dany: Oh, snap! Thanks Drogon. That was awesome with that fire shit, by the way. Totally sweet. Now let's get the hell out of here!

They begin to make a run for it. The whole place starts shaking like the entire House of the Undead is going to fall apart. The place sets on fire. But they successfully make it out.

When they reach outside... Pyatt Pree is hopping on one foot and chanting some dark magic shit.  He then senses something is wrong and opens his eyes.

Pyat Pree: What the hell?!  Bitch, you were supposed to die in there! WHATEVER! I'll do it myself.

He pulls out a knife and lunges at her.

Drogon flies up in the air and starts attacking him. Then Jhogo comes around the corner and cracks his whip. It hits Pree right in the hand and catches him.  Dany gets all faint-ey and starts to pass out.

The next thing she knows, she opens her eyes and is being held by Ser Jorah.

Dany: Wait... is that a boner I feel against my back?

Jorah: Uhhhhhhh... no?

Dany: So much for "House of the Undying" though, right? I mean it burnt to the ground and I'm pretty sure I killed them all.