ACoK 15: Tyrion III

The Small Council Meeting... everyone is there except for the somewhat suspiciously missing Varys.

Cersei: Oh shit! Have you seen this horrible letter that Stannis Baratheon sent out to everyone? It says that Jaime and I are lovers and that my children are all inbred bastards! This is THE WORST!

Littlefinger: Yes, I am sure by now every city in the kingdom has received a copy of this.

Cersei: I want every copy of this letter gathered up and BURNED. Because I really, really, really have a thing for fire. As we'll surely see later in this series.

Tyrion: What's the point? The letters have already been sent. Burning the letters won't make people un-remember their content.

Cersei: But... but... but... the things the letter accuses me of! Incest! Adultery! Treason! I'm totally innocent.

Everyone else on the Small Council tries to hold in their laughter, some better than others.

Tyrion: *wiping tears away* Oh, oh... yeah. Right. Of course. But, you know, Stannis needs some justification to claim the throne. So he has to come up with something, right?

Cersei: I will NOT be called a whore!

Tyrion: Technically Stannis didn't call you a whore. He never said that Jaime paid you. AM I RIGHT?!

He goes in for a fist bump with Littlefinger, but Littlefinger just shakes his head "no."

Tyrion: Anyway, check out this phrase in the letter. "Done in the Light of the Lord." What the hell does that mean?

Pycelle: It's a  term used in the Free Cities of Essos.

Littlefinger: Yes, they say that Stannis's wife has taken up a red priestess and now follows their religion.

Tyrion: Well, that's a start. We can use that reference in this letter to show to the people that Stannis follows a crazy foreign religion. Then we can use that against them as propaganda.

Cersei: WHAT?! I don't want us to share the letter with the little people even more. I want it suppressed! Destroyed! I want anyone found reporting the content of this letter to have their tongues ripped out.

Tyrion: Ripping out the tongue of a man only proves that you are scared of what they have to say. Let the people whisper about this story until they get bored of it and move on to the next celebrity scandal. I'm sure Matt Damon is about to say another stupid thing about sexual harassment in Hollywood that will distract everyone. He does so about once a month these days.

Littlefinger: Or better yet... instead of wait for the next seedy piece of gossip to come out... we MAKE NEW GOSSIP. I say we go to the Crazy Days and Nights website and have @entylawyer  release a blind item about how Shireen Baratheon is a bastard and her real father is Patchface the Fool. We can say that Stannis is a cuckold who was tied down and made to watch Patchface fill all of his wife's holes.

Pycelle: Come on now, that's gross! Lady Selyse would never take a fool to bed.

Littlefinger: Oh please. Have you seen Lady Selyse? Only a fool WOULD go to bed with her! The people will love it!

Cersei: YAS. YAS. YAAAAAAASSSSSSS. THIS. I love this Littlefinger. Let's do this!

Tyrion: A word of caution. Let's make sure that this blind item isn't traced back to us. If it does come from the crown, then it will appear to be a self-serving lie. We need to make it seem like a natural story that came from elsewhere.

Littlefinger: Easy enough, I can instruct all the ladies in my brothels to begin telling all their clients this story. It will spread like wildfire. Which will not be the only thing spreading like wildfire out of my brothels.  This is a really, really, really bad year for the clap. I'm pretty sure it's becoming antibiotic resistant.

Tyrion: Well, on that note. I'm going to leave now. Peace out.

Cersei: Where are you going?! I didn't dismiss you, brother!

Tyrion: Oh, why I'm just going to check on the status for my gift to the king. A nice chain!

Cersei: Joffrey has plenty of chains already. He has a Mr. T-level of chains. He doesn't need more chains.

Tyrion: This one is slightly different.

Cersei: Well... explain!

Tyrion: Nah, I'm just going to be cryptic about it.

Cersei: Is this some sort of Chekhov's Gun?

Tyrion: Yes.

Tyrion leaves and meets up with a bunch of blacksmiths. 

Tyrion: Okay, every smith in the city is now helping me make a giant chain. And I mean EVERY smith. If you run out of metal, start melting horseshoes or whatever you can. WE GOTTA HAVE MORE CHAIN!

Ironbelly: Hi, my name is Ironbelly. That's pretty cool.

Random Blacksmith: I don't know about making a giant chain. Queen Cersei said we had to all make swords or she'd crush our hands.

Tyrion: Nah, don't listen to Cersei. I'm the man in charge now.

Salloreon: This is nonsense! You want me and all the rest of the smiths in the city to make a GIANT chain? I'm a fancy master armorer who does delicate and sophisticated work. It's nuanced and shit. Fine craftsmanship. Not just big chains!  If you want to make a giant chain, get some stupid, novice blacksmiths to do that. I've got better work to do.

Tyrion: Oh shit, Salloreon. Good point. I have an even better counterpoint though. Make me my giant fucking chain or you'll be wearing chains yourself.

Salloreon: Ah, I see. That is a good counterpoint.

Satisfied, Tyrion moves on to his next order of business... a brothel!

Chataya: Hi, it's me again! Chataya, the sexy black brothel owner from the Summer Isles. I was last seen in AGoT 35. It's been a while. It was an Unnamed Ho in this very brothel that had sex with King Robert and had his bastard girl, Barra. She's dead now.

Tyrion: Great! I'd like to see a really, really, really HOT chick. You know, the hottest chick here.

Chataya: Hahaha,  you're looking at her, son! Too bad I'm not for sale. I just run this place.

Tyrion: Damn, because you are pretty hot. Do you have anyone that looks like you?

Chataya: WHAT? You're trying to say that we all look the same because I'm black?!

Tyrion: No... NO! I... errmm... I... uhh... just... mean that--

Chataya: --Just fucking with you, man. Of course there is a girl working here who looks a lot like me. Here, meet my sixteen year old daughter, Alayaya.

Alayaya pops out and waves. 

Alayaya: Hi. You can call me "Yaya."

Tyrion: Geez, this is completely messed up. You're whoring your own 16 year old daughter?

Chataya: What? It's a great privilege! You know, in the Summer Isles, being a whore is considered an honor and is pleasing to the gods.

Tyrion: Okay, first... someone get me a map and plane tickets to the Summer Isles because this place sounds amazing. Second, I need to learn all about the religion there, because it sounds like a religion I want to practice frequently based on what these gods are into.  I wonder what a Summer Isles funeral looks like.

Chataya: It's pretty much drinking wine and fucking. Now come on, let's go upstairs so you can bang out my jailbait daughter.

And so Tyrion goes upstairs with Yaya. She closes and locks the door behind them. 

Tyrion: Yeah girl, dat whole body is hot. But it's your tongue that I'm really interested in! If you know what I mean...

Yaya:  Indeed I do! *whew* Now that we're in private without all those eyes watching and ears listening, we can execute our secret plan. And good pun there about the tongue, since you're not actually interested in sex and you just want me to provide you with knowledge about the location of the secret passage located here.

Tyrion: What?! So we're not actually having sex? Well, that's disappointing. That wasn't even supposed to be a pun. I was talking about a blow---ehhh, ya know what... forget it. I guess it is good that your mom isn't actually pimping you out.

Yaya: Yeah, not to you at least.

Yaya opens up a wardrobe which has the aforementioned secret passage in it. 

Tyrion: I hope this doesn't lead to Narnia.

Yaya: Just shut the fuck up and go inside.

Tyrion heads in the secret passage and finds something much worse than Jadis the White Queen. 

Varys: Would you like some Turkish Delight?

Tyrion smacks the plate out of Varys's hand. 

Tyrion: NOBODY LIKES TURKISH DELIGHT! It's a disgusting, gummy gel made out of starch and gross crap like orange peels and nuts. Who would actually be tempted by that?

Varys: Whatever. You like my new disguise?

Tyrion: Oh right, you're supposed to be some type of master of disguise in the books that always dresses up differently. I guess they dropped that in the show.  Hey, so can we trust this Chataya lady?  She's doing me a real favor by setting up this whole secret passage thing for me. Now everyone thinks I'm having sex with an underage black prostitute instead of going on my REAL SECRET MISSION.  I just want to make sure we will have Chataya's discretion.

Varys: Oh yes, Lord Tyrion. Chataya has no love for the Queen, who used Allar Deem to murder one of her best prostitutes.

Tyrion: Hey, why does this brothel have a secret passage leading to it anyway?

Varys: Really? That's REALLY a question you're asking? You are ACTUALLY confused as why a brothel would have a secret passage leading to it the capital city of a nation? You are TRULY confused as to why a city made up of powerful and married politicians, royals and noblemen would have methods for discreet access to hookers?

Tyrion: You don't have to be a dick about it.

Varys: Oh, by the way. Do you want to now explain to the readers what your REAL SECRET MISSION is all about?

Tyrion: Yes. I am going to secretly meet Shae.

Varys: Indeed. So your cunning plot to disguise the fact that you're going to visit a whore is that you instead are going to visit a whore? Yes. That will really throw everyone off!

Tyrion: Hey look, I know at first glance it doesn't make that much sense but there is actually some reason behind it. The particular whore I want to visit is MY whore. The one that my father specifically forbid me from continuing to see. So I gotta be secret about it.  Also, I don't want Cersei and her spies to find out about her.

Varys: Yes. Which is why now, at the end of this secret passage, is a stable. I will dress you up as a small child and we'll pretend to be a father and son. Then we'll ride horses to Shae and you can go have sex with her.

And so they do that. But as they ride the horses, they have some small talk. 

Tyrion: Oh, since you missed the Small Council meeting... you didn't get to see Cersei's reaction to that Stannis letter. It was CLASSIC. She is so pissed.  Hrm. I wonder how Stannis figured out that Cersei's children are incest bastards anyway.

Varys: Probably the same way that Ned Stark and Jon Arryn figured out. He probably saw one of Robert's bastards. Didn't matter the hair color of the woman. No matter what... every single time Robert fathered a child it had black hair.  Which sort of proves that blonde-haired Joffrey, Tommen and Myrcella aren't his.

Tyrion: Except that's not actually how the genetics of hair color works. Even two brown-haired parents can produce a blond-haired child. It's all about recessive genes. Eumelanin, which has two subtypes of black or brown, determines the darkness of the hair color. One phenotype of brown/blonde has a dominant brown allele and a recessive blond allele. The possibility of which the recessive blonde trait may appear in offspring can be determined with a Punnett square.

Varys: *no response*

ACoK 14: Arya IV

Arya, who is pretty much the main character of this book it seems now, is resting along a peaceful river. 

Arya: Ah, my time heading north has been super hectic. Finally, a chance to  have a wonderful, peaceful chapter which is just rest and relaxation. Nothing terrible will happen at all!

Koss: Hey everyone, check out what I found! The decomposing body of a solider floating in the river. The same river we've been drinking from.

Arya: Crap. I'm going to have dysentery now.

Yoren: Dobber, search the body for valuables. Because the most respectful thing to do when finding a rotting body is to steal from it. Koss, Woth and Gerren, join me as we search up and down the river to look for a crossing.

Arya: Ugh, who are all these characters? Will I have to remember them all?

No, she won't. 

As Arya waits while the others search for a river crossing, she sees Lommy and Hot Pie play in the river mud. You know, the same river that just had a dead body floating in it.  She also sees Kurz fishing in the river, trying to catch a fish with his bare hands. 

Arya: That's not to be easier than catching cats. I bet I could do that.

Everyone comes back from their river crossing investigation but no luck. The only sign of a crossing was the ruins an old bridge that some soldiers must have burned down.

Gendry: Let's attempt to ford the river!

They attempt to ford the river, but lose 3 sets of clothing, 1204 bullets, 1 wagon wheel, 230lbs of food, 4 oxen, and three people drown. 

Gendry: What the hell?! This river was only three feet deep! That doesn't even make sense.

Yoren: Well, let me draw a map in the mud here and talk about our remaining options. With no crossing... we can't go west because that's back to the Kingsroad. Going south is just stupid. So the only way to go left to us is north to the lake, which means we'd have to hire a boat that will take us across it. But accross the river is Harrenhal, which seems like a pretty safe place to go, right?

Harrenhal is actually not safe. It is, in fact, the new Lannister Headquarters. However, as the 24/7 news cycle and Twitter does not exist yet in Westeros, how the hell is Yoren supposed to know that?

Hot Pie: Harrenhal has ghosts in it! AGHH! I'm scared!

Yoren: Shut your ass up.

And so they head north to look for a village to hire a ferryman. There they find a completely abandoned town and everything seems just a bit off. Yoren grows increasingly suspicious and has a group of recruits guard the wagons while some others head off to scout what's happening around the area. Arya, Gendry, Hot Pie, Lommy, and Woth are ordered to go search for some boats.

Arya: Ugh, no boats here anywhere. Just one rotten one. I guess whenever these people fled, they took all their boats with them.

Gendry: Does anybody have some Flex Seal©? Haven't you seen those Flex Seal© infomercials?

Hot Pie: Yeah! That dude made a boat using a SCREEN DOOR as the boat's bottom and he was still able to float it, using Flex Seal© on the screen door.

Lommy: I bet if we had some Flex Seal©, we'd easily be able to fix up that rotten boat and float it away.

Gendry: It's too bad that Flex Seal© doesn't exist here in Westeros in 299AC. Because if it did, I could order it for $12.99 and all our problems would be solved.

Woth: BUT WAIT! I hear if you order one can of Flex Seal© for $12.99 within the next twenty minutes, that you'll get a SECOND can of Flex Seal© for free!

Lommy: Just pay an added processing and handling fee?

Woth: That's right!

Arya: I hate all of you.

Hot Pie: Maybe we should search around the town looking for food. I'm hungry.

Arya: You're always hungry.

Woth: No searching for food. We need to stick to Yoren's orders to find a boat.

So they keep looking, but have no luck. Arya stares at the lake and wonders if she could just swim back to Winterfell. Obviously she has a really, really poor sense of geography and vastly overestimates her endurance.

After night falls, Yoren comes back and they brief him on the boat situation.

Yoren: Well, what about that rotten boat? Could you use some  Flex Seal© on it?

Gendry: That's what I said! Unfortunately... that is apparently not a thing that exists in this fantasy universe.

Yoren: Lame.

Gendry: We could attempt to caulk the wagons and float them! Or pay an Indian guide.

Yoren: Damnit, Gendry. After that whole "fording the river" idea, we're not listening to you any more. Anyway, let's just stay in the holdfast of this abandoned town for the night. It has high walls and a good defensive position, so we'll be safe.

Arya: Well, it's obviously not THAT safe, since the people who lived here either all ran away or were murdered.

Lommy: What's wrong, Arry? Scared?

Yoren: Shut up, Lommy. Arry's reasoning is right. But the people who lived here must have been on one side or the other. We in the Night's Watch take no sides, so we should be left alone.

He says,as they have specifically been sneaking around and avoiding heavily-trafficked areas because he knows for a fact that they are not safe and they will not be left alone. 

They take up in the holdfast and Yoren orders some of the recruits to stand watch. There are a couple of geese and chickens running around the abandoned town, and Arya draws kitchen duty. She helps to pluck the animals of feathers after Koss brings them in. Gendry takes his shirt off and cuts woods to ready for a cooking fire. Arya stares and licks her lips. It's just like Mulan where she has to try hard to suppress her desires because she's pretending to be a boy. 

Arya: HEY! Stop calling me out.

They eat quietly and try to go to sleep that night. But Arya can't sleep and instead borrows Yoren's whetstone to sharpen Needle.

Hot Pie: Hey Arry, I know I asked you this before when we were enemies, but now that we're friends, can you tell me where you got that awesome sword from?

Arya: My brother gave it to me.

Hot Pie: I never knew you had brothers.

Arya: I have a lot of them.

Hot Pie: Older or younger?

Arya: All older. And they taught me a lot of things. Like how to stab people to death when they annoy me while I'm sharpening my sword.

Hot Pie slowly backs away, taking the hint. 

But Arya's annoyance isn't over yet. Now that crying girl they rescued previously is crying again. So annoying.  Eventually, Arya drifts to sleep but is awoken by what she thinks is the sound of a howling wolf. 

Arya: NYMERIA?!

Lommy: Shut up and go back to sleep.

Arya: I heard a wolf!

Lommy: No you didn't. It was just a dream. Just a dream. Just a dream. That's me in the corner. That's me in the spot...light, losing my--

A hunting horn sounds. 

Hot Pie: AGH! What was that?

Arya: Yoren told Kurz to sound the hunting horn if he saw anyone coming! Oh no.

Everyone gets dressed and begins to arm themselves. Arya rushes through the holdfast's barn towards the gate where she passes by the caged wagon full of the three prisoners. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A boy would be good if he were to open this cage! A boy would have three more people to help him fight!

Arya: Like I'm falling for that shit.

Arya keeps on going and climbs up to the parapet of the holdfast to take a look. Outside, she sees a hundred or so men setting fire to the town. 

A column of riders approach the holdfast. Arya thinks their banners might be red, but can't tell in the darkness and the smoke. Let's just call them Lannisters for the sake of argument. 

Lannister Rider: OPEN THE GATE! OPEN THE GATE IN THE NAME OF THE KING!

Reysen: Which king? Hahaha!

Yes, Reysen is another character who doesn't matter. GRRM doesn't even bother to say whether he lives through this chapter or not.

Yoren: We ain't opening up shit! We're innocent men of the Night's Watch. The townspeople have fled here. I'm simply taking my recruits up to Castle Black.

Lannister Rider: How do we know you're telling the truth if you don't open the gate and let us in to make sure? You could be one of Beric Dondarrion's men and Thoros of Myr could be hiding in there with you.

Yoren: Nope. Here. Look at my coat. Black. See? We're wearing black because we're the Night's Watch.

Other Lannister Rider: Well, Dondarrion's colors are also black. Everyone has a black coat anyway. Black goes with everything and is always fashionable. I heard Zac Posen say so. So that doesn't prove anything.

Lannister Rider: Oooh. Zac Posen? The Creative Director for Brooks Brothers? I'd take his word at face value!

Arya: Hrm... Dondarrion. Dondarrion. Where do I remember that name from? Oh right! It was the guy who Jeyne Poole had that big crush on and who my father sent out to hunt down The Mountain. These guys must be Lannisters!

Lannister Rider: Open the gate or you will all be pronounced as outlaws!

Yoren: Who the hell are you? What authority do you have to declare a sworn brother of the Night's Watch as an outlaw?

One of the Lannister Riders raises his helm's mask. 

Amory Lorch: I am Ser Amory Lorch, bannerman to Lord Tywin Lannister. I order you in the name of the TRUE king, Joffrey Baratheon, First of his Name.

Yoren: Are you supposed to be an important character or something?

Amory Lorch: I and the Mountain were involved in the killing of those Targaryen kids, so yeah. I think I'm fairly important. 

Yoren: Just leave us alone. We're not your enemies.

Gendry: Why do these guys want to come in? Surely they can tell we're not nobles or knights or any threat to them.

Arya: I don't think they care. They just want to kill us. I mean look at that guy. You can see the crazy in his eyes.

Amory Lorch: *eye twitch*

Gendry: Damn, you're right.

Amory Lorch: Okay, I'm giving you until the count of three before we begin the battle and come in there to kill you all.

Yoren: We have boys in here! Recruits for the Night's Watch. Would you murder boys?

Amory Lorch: I mean, uh, yeah. I totally would. *ahem*... ONE... TWO...

One of the Lannister men throws a spear. It hits Woth and blood flies everywhere. 

Yoren: HEY! You said until the count of THREE! That was only two.

Amory Lorch: *shrugs*... ATTACK!!!!

Woth: *gurgling blood*... I just... wish... I... wish... Flex Seal©... could have been... been... inven... invented before I... d...d--

Woth dies. 

The battle begins. Spears and torches are launched by the Lannister soldiers up at the holdfast. Yoren commands his recruits to spread out among the parapets and hold the wall. Hot Pie panics and runs around in circles, having no idea how to fight.

Arya: Loser. This is how you do it. ... FOR WINTERFELL!!!!!

Arya shouts and starts slashing and hitting at all the hands that are coming up the parapets. The Lannisters don't have siege ladders, but the walls are rough and somewhat easy to climb.  Hot Pie sees what Arya is doing and follows her example. Some guy sticks his hands up on the top of the wall and Hot Pie swings his sword. It cuts the dude's fingers clean off and he falls down backwards. 

Hot Pie: OH MAN! I can't believe I just did that.

But there is no end to the foes. They just keep coming. Yoren stabs a guy in the face and Koss, a bowman, shoots down four Lannisters. Dobber wrestles a Lannister soldier down to the ground while Lommy comes up to assist by bashing the Lannister's head in with a club until it's a bloody mess. 

Lommy: Great job, Dobber! High five for teamwork!

Dobber: ...

Lommy looks at Dobber and sees that the Lannister soldier's blade is sticking in his stomach. Dobber is DEAD AF. 

Lommy: AGHHHH!!!!

Some recruit named Qyle begs for mercy, only to have his head crushed by a mace. The place smells like blood, fire, piss and fear. Arya joins Gendry and Hot Pie to wrestle a Lannister to the ground. Gendry breaks his sword on the man's shield, but Arya and Hot Pie group up to kill him. Arya almost feels sorry for the poor bastard. Almost. 

Gendry takes the dead man's sword but they continue to be surrounded. More and more Lannisters are getting in. 

Yoren: Okay, we need to get out of here. The battle is lost! Retreat! Retreat!

They begin to flee. But Lommy and Gerren with serious wounds. They can barely limp away. The crying girl won't move either, so Arya just drags her annoying ass.

The retreat back to the barn, which is a pretty bad idea since the barn is ON FIRE. But it's also a good idea because under the barn is a secret escape/hiding tunnel. Had I not mentioned that before? Well, there is one. 

Hot Pie: Just leave that stupid crying girl, Arry. She's going to slow you down and you'll get killed before you get to the tunnel.

Gendry: Here, I'll help.

Gendry grabs the girl and does a fireman's carry. Arya licks her lips again. 

Arya: STOP THAT, NARRATOR!

Inside the barn, it feels like a furnace. Those three prisoners are still in the wagon too. 

Biter: *biting noises*

Rorge: AGH! GET US THE HELL OUT OF HERE!

Jaqen H'ghar: A man would prefer not to burn to death. A boy would be good if he were to help a man.

Arya: Hrm, maybe I should save them.

Gendry: What? The prisoners? The ones so dangerous we have to keep them in a cage? I'd sooner save the farm animals running around than them. If you let those guys guy, I bet they'll go around murdering everyone in the countryside.

Arya runs and gets an axe anyway. She sees Koss yield to a Lannister solider but get killed anyway. There is no sign of Yoren anywhere. She finds the axe and runs back to the barn. She throws it into the cage and Rorge catches it. 

She dives into the secret escape hole of the barn as she hears the cage shatter.  But now she's underground in darkness. She begins crawling through the tunnel and only gets a few feet before she feels the vibration of the entire burning barn collapse on top of her.

She tastes the mud in her mouth as she lays down in the tunnel. 

Arya: Well, this sucks. 

ACoK 13: Jon II

The team of 200 members of the Night's Watch (they haven't met up with  Qhorin Halfhand's additional 100 men yet) make their way north as part of the great ranging.  They come to the town of Whitetree. 

Jon: Oh wow, that is the biggest, whitest tree I have ever seen.

Ghost: *bark* [Translation: No shit, Sherlock. How do you think this place got its name?]

Lord Commander Mormont: Yes, it's a very old tree.

Jon: And powerful!

Eddison Tollett: Huh? Oh right, you crazy northerners worship tree gods. That's right.

Jon: Who the hell are you?

Eddison: Just call me Dolorous Edd. New character, but like with Thoren, pretend I was here the whole time.

Thoren Smallwood: I can see why the First Men were freaked out by all these trees and cut them down when they first came to Westeros ages ago.

Jon: My father used to tell me that you're unable to tell a lie in front of a tree like this.

Mormont: No, that's Wonder Woman's lasso you're thinking of.

Jon: Oh shit! Look inside the mouth on the tree's face! There are human bones in here!

Jon pulls a skull out. It's covered in ash. 

Mormont: Yes, the Wildlings burn their dead. If there were any left around, I would ask them why.

Jon: That's a pretty dumb statement, Lord Commander. I think by now everyone has figured out because if they don't then their dead will rise again as the Others, aka White Walkers.

They then investigate an abandoned Wildling house. 

Jon: What a shithole for stupid, poor people.

Edd: Thanks, this house is exactly the type of house I crew up in.

Jon: Errrrm... sorry?

After a thorough search through Whitetree, they find no signs of remaining life. This is the fourth straight Wildling town that is totally abandoned.

From the woods then emerges Chett and his hounds. He used to be Aemon's servant but now he works the kennel. He's not a fan of Jon Snow though, as he blames Jon for being the mastermind behind Sam taking his job. He's totally right. 

Chett: YEE-HAW! My good ol' hound here, Ol' Velvet Ears, don't smell no sign of no Wildlings, nor does it smell Boss Hogg! We can probably use this old hut as a good place to store our moonshine!

Thoren: I passed by this way a year ago, and there were Wildlings then.

Mallador Locke: Mo' Wildlings = mo' problems. No Wildings = no problems. I'm okay with this.

Jon: Hey! Are you supposed to be the same character as Locke from the TV show?

Mallador Locke: I think they borrow the name and use it for a Night's Watch character, but other than that we're completely different. Don't get used to me, I'm not important.

Bedwyck, a big dude who everyone calls "giant," then comes down from  his lookout in the tree. 

Bedwyck the Giant: There is a lake up that way. We can probably make it there by nightfall.

Mormont:  Okay, let's be on our way then and we'll camp by the lake. Snow, find that idiot boy Sam and tell him to send this message I wrote to Aemon back to Castle Black.

And so they head out north to the lake. As Jon rides his horse around looking for Sam, he feels the pain in his burnt hand and thinks about how depressing things have become since heading beyond the wall.  At first morale was high, but as the days went on they found no life and only coldess. It's pretty damn grim. When they do find Wildlings... hopefully his hand will be healed enough so that he can use his sword. 

Jon finds Sam giving water to the horses that are carrying the cages of ravens. 

Jon: Ah, there your fat ass is.

Raven: Corn?

Jon: Sam, I thought you were teaching these guys how to speak. And yet all they ever say is "corn."

Sam: Oh, I am teaching them. They know other words too.  Hey RAVEN! RAVEN! Who is the biggest asshole, mopey, brooding douche in the entire Night's Watch?

Raven: Snow!

Jon: Hahahaha, fuck you Sam.

Sam: So how were things back in Whitetree, Jon? I didn't get a chance to go into the town.

Jon: There was nothing there. Totally abandoned. Oh, and Mormont has a message for you to send to Aemon. Here you go.

Sam: I wish the raven could fly me back along with the message.

Jon: Oh, that would have to be one huge-ass raven. Like the eagle from The Return of the King. Probably even bigger. Because you're a much fatter Sam sidekick than the LoTR Sam sidekick.

Raven: Haha, good one, Snow! Also... corn.

Jon: I don't see why you're so afraid anyway. You're not going to be attacked by Wildlings. There are  no Wildlings left it seems.

Sam: Yeah, I guess I'm getting a little less scared and am-AGHHHH! WHAT'S THAT?!

Jon: Your shadow.

Sam: Oh, right. Well, anyway. Back to working on my maps again. This ride allows me to make new, updated maps.

Jon: Fine. We'll just call it a scene and I'll move on.

Jon rides off again, and this time Ghost returns to his side after some time away hunting in the woods. He loves killing things, but has been having just as hard a time as the Rangers. 

Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Even the animals are gone from here. My thurst to murder rabbits and squirrels goes unquenched. I wish to taste their warm blood in my mouth. If I do not find food soon, I will begin to turn on the brothers in the Nights Watch and start eating them].

Jon: Oh, Ghost! Your woofs are so adorable. I wish I could understand what you were saying.

Jon eventually catches up with Mormont. 

Jon: Hey, I gave Sam that letter and he sent it off. He's teaching the ravens to talk too.

Mormont: Well, that's a bad idea. They're annoying enough already. The only way this trip could get worse is if the ravens around us all start telling shitty yo' mamma jokes.

Jon: All these abandoned villages. I wonder what Benjen would have thought about them.

Mormont: Maybe this is exactly what he saw when he went out riding. He wanted to ride north and investigate why they left and where the Wildlings got to. And so we will do the same! We'll find them. And they'll be no trouble to us once Halfhand's additional men join us.

Jon: Oh yeah, we'll find those Wildlings. Unless THE OTHERS find us first!

Mormont: Stop being dramatic, princess. 

ACoK 12: Daenerys I

Dany: Oh, look! That comet is still up in the sky. The same one that I previously interpreted as a sign that I should step into my husband's funeral pyre with my dragon eggs. I'm glad I did that, because I was totally unscathed by the fire and the dragon eggs hatched. So now I have awesome dragons!

Actually, she's not totally unscathed. In the books her hair isn't fireproof. So now she's got a sort of Sinéad O'Connor going on.

Irri: Why do you bring up this comet again, Khaleesi?

Dany: Well, I guess since it's still in the sky, and it's pointing east, I should NOW interpret the comet as a sign for me to follow it east.

Doreah: Are you sure that's a good idea? There is nothing east except for the grim and terrible lands of the dessert for miles and miles. No food, no water, abandoned towns. For thousands of miles. Surely the comet doesn't have to mean "go east." I bet it could mean something else completely.

Dany: Like what?

Jhiqui: Why, I hear that that in King's Landing people call it "Joffrey's comet," in celebration of the new king. Other theories include that it has to do with the Lord of Light and is a signal that Stannis is a re-birthed form of the legendary "Prince that was Promised" and should attack King's Landing; a sign about Ned Stark's death; or a representation of the victories of the Northmen and house Tully against the Lannister forces.

Jhogo: Jhogo thinks it is a herald warning of a coming war; a hot sword on the forge; a sword covered in blood; or maybe a message lighting the way through the Haunted Woods for a campaign north soon to be launched by the Night's Watch.

Irri: It is known.

Jorah: I bet the men of the Iron Isles think it a message from the drowned god; and that septons of the faith of the seven believe it to be an omen that the kingdom is full of corruption that will soon be purified.

Aggo: Aggo believes it could simply be an icy, small body rotating around our sun due to gravitational force. And when passing close to the sun, it warms and begins to release gases in a process called "outgassing." This produces a visible atmosphere or "coma," and ofttimes also a tail. These phenomena are due to the effects of solar radiation and the solar wind acting upon the nucleus of the comet.

Dany: No. I think it means "go east." Especially because all other directions are cut off to us. The other khalasars are all to the north and they hate us and want to kill  us. The  Lhazareen are to the south and they all hate us and want to kill us.  And Khal Pono is driving slaves west to Slaver's Bay, and he--

Doreah: --hates us and wants to kill us. It is known.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Dany: Whatever. I'd like to see Pono try. I've got dragons now!

Jorah: Khaleesi, your dragons are but small babies. He is likely to attack you and seize them. It's best we travel east, as you say.

Dany: I'd like to see him try to seize them! He dare not! For I am the Unburnt and Mother of Dragons! These are new titles that I am adding to my list of titles. Irri, read them back to me.

Irri: You are Daenerys Stormborn of the House Targaryen; the First of Her Name, Queen of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men; Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea; Deputy Customer Communications Associate for AT&T; Regional Operations Consultant for the Harold Stassen Republican Primary Exploratory Commission of 1984; the Unburnt; and Mother of Dragons.

Doreah: It is known.

Jhiqui: It is known.

And so they ride east. It is a brutal ride since the defectors like Pono and Jhaqo had taken the best horses and people. They are left only with the weak and unwanted. Three days into the ride out west, people start dying because they have no food or water. They begin to butcher some of the weakest horses for their meat. And those dragons are eating lots of meat too. They are fine, young, growing boys. I assume. I dunno.

Dany: Uhh... I don't like assigning a predetermined GENDER to my dragons. I'll let them decide their own gender when they grow up.

OMG, so annoyingly liberal.

Dany: I'm naming this big black and red one "Drogon," after my dead husband Drogo. Oh, I love him and miss him so much! Drogo was my first lover, and will probably be my last ever lover too!

Rakharo: *giggle*

Dany: What? WHAT? What are you laughing at, Rakharo?

Rakharo: Oh, nothing. Nothing, Khalessi. Rakharo is just, ya know, somewhat doubting that statement will hold true.

Dany: *rolls eyes* Anyway, I'll name my  green and bronze dragon "Rhaegal" after my cool brother Rhaegar. And I guess I'll name this cream and gold one "Viserion" after my shitty brother Viserys.

Irri: Oh man, poor Viserion.  He never had a chance. Not even from the beginning.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Doreah: It is kn-- *falls over and dies* 

Dany: WHAT?! What the heck just happened to Doreah?

Jorah: She died, Khaleesi. Everyone is getting sick and dying because this trip is so grueling. I'm not doing so well myself, as I'm still suffering from that injury I got when fighting Qotho.

Dany: Which one was Doreah again?

Jorah: The one who was your sex teacher.

Dany: Ah. I guess I didn't need her anymore since me and Drogo started to get into some really crazy stuff. Does she die at this point in the TV show too?

Jorah: No, they go a different route with her in the show and have her betray you for Xaro Xhoan Daxos. Then you lock them up in a vault together to slowly die.

Dany: Oh. Who the hell is Xaro Xhoan Daxos?

Jorah: Don't worry about it until the end of the chapter.

A few more days pass of grueling travel.  Soon, some of Dany's riders spot a city. Dany sends her bloodriders, Aggo, Jhogo, and Rakharo, out to investigate. They come back and report that the place is abandoned.

Jhiqui: Do not go there! It must be a haunted ghost city! It is cursed!

Irri: It is known.

Doreah: ... (says nothing because she's dead)

Dany: Forget that superstitious nonsense. Let's go there now!

And so they march to the city. There they find fruit trees with tons of delicious fruit, deep wells with delicious, cold and refreshing water. But they also find a bunch of old bones laying around. So they go ahead and just name the whole place "City of Bones" in Dothraki, because that's not unsettling at all.

Irri: I'm scared. If this place is so good, then why is it abandoned? I think it must be some type of trap with boogity-boogity ghosts that will kill us.

Dany: My dragons will protect us. We have food and water here. I say we stay. Besides, it's not completely abandoned... this place is full of life. See? There are a bunch of scorpions!

A scorpion crawls up and kills someone. But it's an unimportant character, so don't worry about it.

Jorah: I agree, Khaleesi. We should stay here to recover our strength before moving on. I do not care if there are ghosts here. There are ghosts everywhere.

Dany: Oh wow. Let's turn this statement about "ghosts" into a metaphor for the "ghosts of our past" that haunt us. Okay Jorah, you go first and tell us some deep and sympathetic backstory about your life.

Jorah: What? You mean like about me meeting a beautiful woman who was well above my standing in life? I impressed her by winning a tournament against Jamie Lannister and we fell in love and got married. But afterwards I took her back to my home at Bear Island and she hated it. So I kept having to buy her expensive, lavish gifts in order to keep her happy. And we had to keep going on expensive trips away from Bear Island to try to re-kindle the magic that our relationship initially had.  But it was lost and never came back. And along the way, I racked up tons and tons of debt that bankrupted me.  Which is why I got involved in catching those poachers in an attempt to sell them to slavers to pay my bills. And after all that... my beautiful wife just left me anyway.

Dany: Yeah, something like that. You're really good at "spinning" a story.  Way to use an elaborate story to try to justify you becoming a SLAVE TRADER and making it like you're the victim here.

Jorah: Oh, there is one other part of the story I forgot to tell. It's about what my beautiful wife looked like. She looked almost IDENTICAL TO YOU.

Dany: Ah, creepy. You know, I, uhh... like you, Jorah. But I, erm, don't like you in that way.

They all go to bed that night, and Dany tries not to be too creeped out by Jorah. The next day, Dany decides that it's time to figure out where they go next after their stay in this town.

Dany: Okay, Aggo... you go to the southwest. Rakharo... you go straight south. And Jhogo... to the southeast. Ride for a couple of days and do some scouting. Come back and tell me what you find.

And so Rakharo, Jhogo and Aggo head out in separate directions. Everyone else stays put in the city of bones and start to heal, gain wait, and get better. Jorah's injury is better and nobody is on the brink of death anymore.

Rakharo returns first.

Rakharo: To the south I found nothing but a wasteland. I did find an ancient dragon skeleton though. That thing was HUGE. I could ride my horse through its jawbone. It was a pretty fun excursion like a video game side quest or something.

Dany: Well, I'm glad you didn't get intercepted by rival khalasars of Dothraki and decapitated, only to have your riderless horse sent back to me with your head in a bag

Rakharo: No Khaleesi, that is just the TV show. In the books I am still very much alive.

Aggo returns second.

Aggo: I found two more abandoned cities, but each smaller and shittier than this one.

Dany: And what happened to you in the TV series?

Aggo: Well, that's actually complicated. My character was seemingly never mentioned again. Like I just died out there and my fate was a mystery.  Or perhaps I came back but I was simply never seen on screen. Really, the TV show used most of the Khalasar as background extras without names. For years, fans assumed "probably dead." However, it gets more complicated after Season 6 when the TV show gets beyond the books and they introduce a guy named "Aggo," played by a different actor and loyal to Khal Moro. Most fans just assume that they are different characters and there are simply two Dothraki named "Aggo." But other fans speculate that the two Aggos are the same, and that Aggo chose to defect and join a new Khal. I mean they change actors all the time on the show, so it wouldn't be the first time they did something like that. Take the example of the person who kills that "second" Aggo on the show - Daario. On the show, this Aggo meets Jorah and doesn't really seem to recognize him, which would be a good indicator that he is supposed to be a new and different character. But then again, the "second" Aggo is able to discern that Daario and Jorah are not merchants, so some fans still argue that it's the original Aggo, saying that Aggo knew they weren't merchants because he remembered Jorah.  But he doesn't say anything specific like, "Hey! No you're not a merchant... you're Jorah, I remember you!"  So really, I think those fans are stretching an argument beyond reasonable credibility.

Dany: Okay, that was a lot more info than I was looking for.

Jhogo is the last to return, and brings with him a bunch of weird looking people.

Jhogo: I come back, having found the great city of Qarth. We are cordially invited to join these men and find refuge in their city.

Pyat Pree: I am  Pyat Pree, a skeezy warlock.

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: I am  Xaro Xhoan Daxos, a merchant prince and one of the thirteen ruling council of Qarth.

Quaithe: I am Quaithe of the Shadow, a mysterious and masked shadowbinder from Asshai.

Dany: Oh, hi Xaro Xhoan Daxos! Jorah was foreshadowing you earlier. You're not going to betray me with Doreah or anything, are you?

Xaro: As this "Doreah" you mention is already dead and I never meet her, no.

Dany: Anyway, good work Jhogo! And I'm pretty sure that your return to me is the same in the books and the show, right?

Jhogo: Very similar, yes. But not exactly the same. For example, in the show my name is "Kovarro" instead of "Jhogo," probably to avoid confusion with Drogo's bloodrider, Jhaqo, who is now leading a rival khalasar. But in a way we're all mixed up because the way Rakharo and Jhogo/Kovarro are described is essentially flipped in the books and TV show. So Kovarro is sort of an amalgam of Rakharo and Jhogo.

Dany: And are you... ermm... I mean is Kovarro still alive in the show?

Jhogo: He's never specifically killed off, but he also never appears again after Season 2. Probably for the same "Dothraki are relegated to background extras" reasoning that Aggo just mentioned.

Dany: Fair enough. Let's go to Qarth!

ACoK 11: Theon I

And the new POVs continue.  Theon Greyjoy's ship, the Myraham, passesby Pyke island so he can look at it. He hasn't seen this place since he was a little boy that was taken hostage by the Starks after his father, Balon, lost his little insurrection.  He looks up in the sky. 

Theon: Hey look, a comet! I think that it represents--

--SHUT THE HELL UP, THEON! IF YOU TALK ABOUT THAT DAMN COMET, I WILL NARRATE YOU HAVING A SUDDEN HEART ATTACK AND DYING RIGHT NOW. 

Theon: ...Okay, geez. Sorry.

Theon admires the castle. 

Ship Captain's Daughter: Does it look what you remember from  your childhood?

Theon: Oh yes, it does. Thank you for asking, girl who I've been having sex with this entire boat journey.

Ship Captain: *grumble*grumble*... I can't believe I give you this ride and the whole time you're having sex with my daughter. And you don't even close the door.

Theon: Hahaha, yeah! I'm the worst!

They pull up to the harbor of Lordsport, because Pyke itself doesn't have a usable harbor. Theon steps off. 

Daughter: Oh Theon, take me with you! I'm in love! Let's get married and have all sorts of babies.

Theon: Hahaha, oh... oh... no. No, no, no, no. You see, you were just a little piece of nasty I was getting on the side on this boat ride. You and me are DONE now.

Theon gets off and looks around the harbor. He sees a bunch of ships, including his father's.  But he doesn't see the ship of his uncle, Euron. 

Theon: Oh good, that means he probably won't show up for another few books.

He then looks around, wondering what's going on. There are just a bunch of townspeople who don't give a shit. 

Theon: Hell. I sent word that I was coming. Surely there should be some sort of royal honor guard here to welcome me.  To wrap me in fine clothes and bring me to my father in a chariot or litter.

And yet there is none of that. Almost as if nobody gives a shit about Theon. 

Theon: Don't you people know who I am? I AM THEON GREYJOY, SON OF BALON! HEIR TO THE THRONE OF THE IRON ISLES.

Merchants, Innkeeper, and Everyone Else: OMG nobody cares.

Old Priest: Oh, hi there Theon.

Theon: Who the hell are you?

Old Priest: Don't remember me, eh? Well I am none other than... YOUR UNCLE, Aeron!

Theon: Oh wow, you look different.  Hrm. Now that I think about it, I do remember my father sending  me a letter once saying that your ship sunk in a storm and you drowned. Then you washed up to shore and were "reborn" as a pious, religious follower of the drowned god.

Aeron: That's right. I am a changed man. No more drinking Bud Lite Lime and wearing NASCAR shirts. I serve the Drowned God.

Theon: You used to be the "fun" uncle. You look super boring and pious now.

Aeron: Yep. I've put away all my sins.

Theon: So where the hell is everyone else to welcome me?

Aeron: Doing important things that matter and not bothering to meet up with some lame-ass kid who hasn't been around in 10 years and who probably now worships shitty Stark tree gods.

Theon: I do not!

Aeron: Fine. Let me consecrate you in the name of the drowned god then, to cleanse you of your northern god filth.

Theon: Sure.

Aeron splashes a bunch of salt water on Theon's face. 

Aeron: Yeah, that should do.

Theon: So where is mom? Where is my sister?

Aeron: Your mom is sick and your sister, Asha, is on a trip to Great Wyk with a secret message to assemble our forces.

Theon: Wait... Asha? Are you sure it's not "Yara?"

Aeron: No, it's "Asha" in the books.

Theon: Why the hell isn't it just "Asha" in the show then?

Aeron: I dunno. I guess the show people figured that people would think "Asha" and "Osha" were too similar or something.

Theon: Wait... they changed her name so as to not confuse her with another somewhat minor supporting character? But doesn't "Yara" sound a lot like "Arya," and so the name change now makes her name sound a lot more like a MAJOR character's name?

Aeron: Whatever man, bring that up with David Benioff, not with me.

Theon: So anyway... I guess ASHA is on a mission to the Great Wyk to help assemble our forces. Why wasn't I told about this in advance?

Aeron: Because you'll snitch about it to those Starks.

They head towards Pyke and eventually reach it near sunset. There, Theon heads to his father's solar. 

Theon: Oh DAD... you are a lot older and frailer looking than I remember.

Balon Greyjoy: Oh, nice way to say "Hi" to your dad, dipshit. I guess I would look older than you remember, what with it being over a decade since we last saw each other. That's how time works. It moves forward and people get older. Fuck, you are stupid.

Theon: Sorry father, I didn't mean to--

Balon: --And what is that shit around your neck? Jewelry? You're wearing all sorts of fancy chains and necklaces and jingle-jangles. And you've got on fine velvet and silk. Are you some type of rapper? Do you think you're Johnny Depp or something? Where did you get that shit from?

Theon: Urban Outfitters.

Balon: OH SHIT... you went to a STORE?! Boy, you have forgot the old ways of your people. Don't you remember that here in the Iron Isles there is no such thing as currency? We don't pay money in exchange for goods and services. You pay the IRON PRICE.  That means any jewelry, silks, or gold you wear have to come from victories in battle by killing the lame people who do shop at Urban Outfitters.

Theon: Oh man, here you go preaching about a society without money. I didn't come here to listen to a damn TED Talk. I came here because I'm your heir to the throne! And to deliver a message.

Balon: Ha. We'll see about that. You know the king is ELECTED via kingsmoot here, right? It's not hereditary.

Theon: True, technically. But throughout history they usually just elect the son of the last one. It's sort of rigged like that. Let's not get into all of the politics of that in detail. We can save that for A Feast for Crows.

Balon then reaches down and yanks the shitty jewelry off of Theon's neck. Theon looks down in shame.

Balon: There, you look better now. But you still look like a Stark. I can't trust your ass. You've gone native. You got Stockholm Syndrome, big time!

Theon: No I haven't!

Balon: Tell me again why you're here. Who exactly is this "message" of yours from?

Theon: Ermm... Robb Stark.

Balon: See what I mean?

Balon snatches the letter and reads it over. He then crumbles it up and throws it in the fire.

Theon: Hey!

Balon: This is nonsense. Help the Starks and the boy will GIVE me a crown? Really? REALLY? Robb Stark will GIVE me a crown? We men from the Iron Isles aren't GIVEN anything. We TAKE what we want. It's our way. And how does Robb think he has the right to give me anything?

Theon: That's not what Robb meant! I'm sure he meant--

Balon: --He meant what he said. He'd GIVE me a crown. And that statement, by nature, also implies that he can TAKE IT AWAY too. Forget that. I will pay the Iron Price for the crown, just like Urron Redhand did five thousand years ago. I will take my kingdom by fire and sword. I will battle to earn my kingdom. I will attack our enemies and take their lands!

Theon: Oh... see... then I don't know why you're complaining. We're on the same page here. Robb wants you to attack  the Lannisters and take their lands too. That's why the deal is so perfect.

Balon: Shit son... the Lannisters? Their lands are not the lands that I'm planning to attack.

Theon: Huh? I don't get it. Where are you planning to attack instead?

Balon: Oh, I dunno. Let's say a much more undefended target, given that all the defenders of this place have gone south to battle the Lannisters.

Theon: Hrm. No. Nothing matching that description is coming to mind.

Balon: *rolls eyes* Winterfell, Theon. Winterfell. 

ACoK 10: Davos I

Davos Fucking Seaworth has joined the ranks of POV characters at last.  He stands outside the castle at Dragonstone with hundreds of other men loyal to Stannis.  There, they watch the Red Witch and Queen Selyse burn statues of the seven gods.

Allard Seaworth: Wow, this is MESSED UP.

Dale Seaworth: No kidding.

Davos: Shhh, my sons. Now is not the time or place to criticize this. Remember what I always taught you... speak ill of people behind their backs.

Melisandre: R'hllor, Lord of Light! Take these false gods of our enemies as a sacrifice to you and cast your light upon them! For the night is dark and full of terrors!

Queen Selyse: For the night is dark and full of terrors!

Stannis: Meh.

Davos: You know, these god statues were carved of wood from the ships that carried the first Targaryens from Valyria. I'm fairly sure that the statues were part of a protected UNESCO World Heritage site. This is pretty much exactly the same as when the Taliban dynamited those giant of Buddhas of Bamiyan.

A bunch of other lords watch the fire. Some of them show no emotion, while others are clearly disturbed by all of this too. Davos thinks about how the other Lords resent him for being risen up as a Lord too. But one day, after Stannis is victorious, his children and his children's children shall be recognized as true lords. And man does he have a lot of kids. In addition to Allard and Dale, he also has Maric, Matthos, Devan, Stannis and Steffon. His wife, Marya, must spend all day on her back, if you know what I mean!

Melisandre: For it is prophesied that after the long summer a star shall bleed and darkness will fall over the world.  Then... Azor Ahai will be reborn and draw the burning sword Lightbringer from the fire and destroy the darkness! Azor Ahai...  Azor Ahai! Step forward and claim your sword!

Stannis stands there. 

Selyse: *nudge*nudge*

Stannis: Oh shit... that's supposed to be me, huh?

Stannis walks forward wearing a baseball mit and pulls the sword from the fire. 

Stannis: OW! OW! OW! Hot potato! Hot potato!

Selyse and her men begin chanting in tongues. And by that I mean a quick "Google translate" version of Haitian Creole. 

Selyse: Mwen reyèlman jwi Kraft makawoni ak fwomaj!

Melisandre: BEHOLD! BEHOLD! For it is Azor Ahai, risen again! And he holds Lightbringer!

The sword is near molten and in rough shape. All the wood from the handle is burned off. It's a slightly less-than-impressive display of a god-man and his magic sword born again. 

Duram Bar Emmon: *whispering* I bet Stannis isn't even Azor Ahai! I think it's Dany.

Lord Monford Velaryon: *whispering back* Nah, I bet it's Jon Snow.

Stannis: Okay, whatever. I'm done with this. Come on, honey.

Stannis grabs his crazy wife and takes her back to the castle as the statues turn to ember and the fires slowly die down. Eventually, the Red Witch and others leave as well with the sword. 

Allard: Hey, so what's up with these new banners that Stannis is flying? He's got a new logo or something? Now instead of the normal stag he has one surrounded by fire.

Davos: Yeah, one of those re-branding things. Like when the Tampa Bay Buccaneers got rid of that horrible "orange-cream winking fop with the feather in his cap" logo and moved to the "angry, red flag with the skull and crossbones" logo.

Dale: Oh yeah, that was a good change.

Later, Davos goes down to the port city at the bottom of Dragonstone and enters an inn. There, he finds Salladhor Saan eating grapes. Saan was his old business partner/pirate from his smuggling days. 

Salladhor: Hey, one of my ships just got out of Kings Landing and reports that Tyrion Lannister is the new Hand of the King for Joffrey. Janos Slynt has also been kicked out.

Davos: How well is the city defended?

Salladhor: As you know... the walls are tall and strong, but the City Watch has too few men and are too poorly trained. We should strike at once! Then I can finally GET PAID like Stannis hasn't done in a while. Bitch owes me 30,000 gold dragons. Maybe as part of my payment I'll even take Queen Cersei to bed. That girl is FINE.

Davos: You'll get paid, I promise you that. Stannis is an honorable man and will keep his word.

Salladhor: Whatever. I've also received word that Renly's men are marching. And Renly has brought his wife with him.

Davos: Hahaha... WIFE? Did you say Renly's WIFE? Oh, that is RICH.

Salladhor: We must attack first, before Renly does! No waiting for this prophesy nonsense. It's not like anyone believes that was the real Lightbringer. That was a BURNT sword I saw, not a FLAMING sword.

Davos: GASP! Don't say that. You don't know what ears are listening here.

Salladhor: Whatever. You think I believe any of that display? I am from Lys, over in Essos. I know the REAL story of Lightbringer. Do you know the real story? When Azor Ahai tried to forge the sword again and again... he failed. Every time. Nothing he could do to temper the sword and make it strong actually worked. Until he decided that only the power of love could temper his sword. So you know what this cat did? Since Huey Lewis and the News hadn't been invented yet, he went to his wife, Nissa Nissa, and plunged the burning hot sword straight from the forge into her heart. It worked. He MURDERED HIS WIFE to create the perfect sword.

Davos: Wow, that is pretty hardcore. Too bad nobody told Stannis that part of the story because I bet he absolutely would have been up for doing that to that crazy bitch Selyse.

Salladhor: I just want to set sail and get my money. What a waste... burning those statues of the seven gods. They were worth a lot. I know a lot of good contacts who would have paid good money for some smuggled, irreplaceable cultural treasures like that. You know those things were UNESCO World Heritage protected, right?

Davos: Yeah, I had guessed that earlier, but thanks for confirming.

Davos then gets drunk because he's at an inn. Later, his son Devan arrives. Devan is the one who is a squire for Stannis. He comes with a summons from the King, so Davos heads out. 

Before he can get to the Keep of Dragonstone, he runs into Ser Axell Florent. 

Axell: Hey man, what did you think about burning those false gods? Pretty awesome, right? ALL HAIL THE LORD OF LIGHT!

Davos: Uhhm... I'll just be stepping around you now.

Davos passes Florent and goes into the room with the Painted Table of Westeros. There, Stannis is with Maester Pylos.

Stannis: Ah, there you are AT LAST! Look at this letter I'm sending out to the scum and tell me what you think.

Stannis pushes the message into Davos's chest. 

Davos: Dude, are you messing with me? You know I can't read.

Stannis: Oh shit, right. I'm such a self-absorbed asshole that I forgot. Pylos, read this shit to him.

Pylos: *grumble*... Anyway, *ahem*... "Dear shitty and inferior peasants, I am Stannis Baratheon - the true born son of Steffon Baratheon, Lord of Storm's End and the TRUE king. My fat, dead, asshole brother left no children because he was a stupid moron with a whore wife who cheated on him with her own brother, Shitty Kingslayer. By right of birth I am the true heir that all you shitty peasants should worship. I claim the Iron Throne. This message is done in name of the Lord of Light who is the one true god despite the fact that all you feeble morons worship the wrong gods, under the sign and seal of MIGHTY and AWESOME Stannis of House Baratheon, the First of His Name, King of the Andals, the Rhoynar, and the First Men, and Lord of the Seven Kingdoms. Amen."

Stannis:  No, no, no! Pylos... add a "Ser" in front of "Shitty Kingslayer." Jaime Lannister is an anointed knight and we don't want to insult him.

Pylos: Yes, my King. It now says "Ser Shitty Kingslayer."

Stannis: So what do you think, Davos? Pretty good... amiright?

Davos: Uhhhhh... I actually think it could use a bit more tweaking. You know, maybe talk down to the people a little less.

Stannis: Fuck that, it's perfect. Pylos, send 1000 ravens out with the message so that it goes to every single damn town in the seven kingdoms.

Pylos: We only have 117 ravens, sire.

Stannis: Well shit. Then Davos, I'm going to need you to take pamphlets by boat all around the Kingdom and hand them out to the small, shitty poor scum people that live in filth and rags.

Davos: They can't read either, your grace.

Stannis: DAMN IT! What is wrong with you poor people? FINE. Take 100 knights with you and they can READ the message out to the crowds. And we can also send messages to Essos. I want the whole world to know the truth about Cersei and that little incest boy, Joffrey.

Davos: Pretty bold making that pronouncement without any proof.

Stannis: Proof? I got proof! His name is Edric Storm and he's at Storm's End. Robert's bastard child that looks just like him. Let the people see  him and then see Joffrey next to him and everyone will KNOW that Joffrey ain't legit.

Davos: And if I might humbly add another suggestion to your message, your grace.  Maybe cut out that "Lord of Light" shit since nobody in Westeros follows that.

Stannis: Who cares? These gods, those gods. They're all fake. I learned that the day my parents died at that Eyes Wide Shut-style sex yacht party. That High Septon always talks about justice coming from the gods. It comes from ME... the KING! But of the four kings who have declared themselves, I have the least men. But what I DO have is  the Red Witch. She puts terror into the hearts of our enemies.

Pylos: She's also smokin' hot.

Davos: Fuck yeah she is. I hate her, but I can admit that. 

ACoK 9: Arya III

Arya: Oh man... a third chapter for me already? The last time a character had this vast amount of chapters so frequently it was my dad and things didn't go well for him.

Arya continues up the road heading  towards Winterfell. Now the vast numbers of men they see on the road have trickled down to almost nobody at all.  Despite that, Arya remains paranoid about the gold cloaks, and is constantly looking over her shoulder in the event they might show up again. 

All the other boys are super impressed with Gendry. They know he must be really important since the Queen sent men to kill him. 

Lommy Greenhands: I bet that he must be that Wolf Lord's bastard son!

Arya is angry and wants to beat the crap out of Lommy for insulting her father and claiming he has more bastards than Jon. But she knows she can't because she'll give away her identity and Yoren will beat her ass again. 

Now the group has veered off the Kingsroad because it's not safe from the war. Instead they go around the west side of the God's Eye where there is rough terrain. They have to hunt and pick berries for food. Arya catches a rabbit because all of her awesome cat-chasing skills she acquired. Yoren cooks it up in a stew and everyone gets a spoonful... except Arya. She gets a whole leg for catching it. She shares it with Gendry because she totally has a crush.

Arya: DO NOT!

Do too. 

Soon they come upon a cornfield, and the owners of the field demand money for the corn they started to pick from it.

Yoren: What the hell? You know, back in the day... brothers of the Night's Watch used to be feasted and respected when they traveled north! Welcomed in with open hearts!

Farmer: Well, yeah... that was before the entire kingdom was on fire and murderers were roaming up and down pillaging our shit. So GET LOST.

They continue north. As they cross more farms, they find them guarded by men with weapons so they keep going.  

Soon after, one of their scouts stumbles onto the scene where some kind of battle or raid must have taken place. Men and horses are dying and wounded. Yoren navigates around the battlefield since the remaining men might want to steal their horses and provisions.

Later, they find the burned remains of a village and its nearby farms. There are burned bodies all over the place. Most of the kids and criminals being sent north are horrified by the sight. But Arya sort of digs it since she's a sociopath. 

They investigate the village. 

Yoren: Hey, look what I found!

Little Girl: *crying*

One-Armed Woman: *moaning because her arm has been cut off*

Arya: Oh, SICK! A crying girl and a woman with her arm cut off. And by "sick" I mean "awesome."

Rorge: Hahaha! Hilarious.

Biter: *biting noises*

Hot Pie: Oh man, this is scary.

Arya: Yeah, I'm actually a bit scared too.

Hot Pie: You know Arry, I never really kicked that boy to death like I said. I just lied to try to scare you and seem tough. All I did was sell my mother's pies.

Arya: I knew it!

One-Armed Woman: *dies*

Arya: Well, that didn't take long. She lasted about the same length as Praed.

The winds are intense that night as they bury the woman, and Arya thinks the sound of the winds against the willow trees is exactly like the moaning noises of the one-armed woman. But then again, these Stark kids always have weird interpretations of what the trees are trying to tell them. Just look at that weirdo Bran. 

They set up no camp fire, for fear that they will be seen and attacked by whoever is killing everyone and setting everything on fire. Since they can't cook, they barely have anything to eat and Arya fills her belly with water in the hopes that will fill her cravings.  But she drinks so much that she has to pee. She sneaks off to "make water" in the woods far away so that nobody can see she squats like a girl. 

Hot Pie: Hey Arry! What are you doing? Don't wonder off like that! There are wolves in these woods!

Arya: Wow... I got caught by freaking HOT PIE? I must not be as stealthy as I thought I was.

Arya pretends to be afraid of the wolves to throw Hot Pie off.  But then when he's not looking she just sneaks off again to pee. 

Arya: Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

That's the soothing, relaxing "ahh" sound of urinating. Not the "AGH!" sound of being scared. Although Arya will soon make that sound too.

Arya: AGGGHHH!!!!

See? Because all of a sudden as she pees, she sees a bunch of glowing wolf eyes stare at her. 

She pulls out Needle and points it at a snarling wolf.  The wolf turns around and backs off. The pack follows. 

Arya: Oh man, I wonder if that was Nymeria!

Arya quickly heads back to camp and finds Yoren. 

Arya: OMG, there are WOLVES out there.

Yoren: *shrugs*

Arya: You know, I once had a pet direwolf named Nymeria. I was forced to drive her off. I threw rocks at her and she--

Yoren: --Don't care, BOY. The only wolves I care about are the human-kind of wolves, like the ones who lit fire to that village back there. I tell ya, this is crazy. I've been bringing men up to this wall for thirty years and can you guess how many men I've lost that whole time?

Arya: I dunno. Like, three or something?

Yoren: Shit, that's right! You're pretty good at this.  Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that the world has gone mad. It was never this bad... even during Robert's Rebellion. Now try to go get some sleep, BOY.

Arya: Yes, telling me how war ravaged this place is now and how it's worse than ever will definitely help soothe me to sleep. Thanks for the advice.

Arya lays down and closes her eyes. In the distance, she hears wolves howling. Even further away, she hears the sound of screaming.

Arya: THIS IS SO METAL.