Friday, October 13, 2017
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
AGoT 44: Sansa III
Stupid, annoying Sansa just can't believe that her father didn't send Ser Loras to fight The Mountain.
Sansa: My dad is an idiot! The Knight of Flowers is the most handsome and brave knight. He should have been the one to go! He's just like all the handsome heroes in the songs.
Jeyne Poole: No way. Beric Dondarrion was the right pick. Beric is so handsome and gallant.
Sansa: What? Beric? EWW! Gross! He's sooooo old. He's ALMOST 22!
That's right. Sansa really called a 21 year old character "old."
Sansa: But whatever. Forget all that Mountain stuff. I want to tell you about this dream I had. Well, it isn't actually a dream because it was just something I made up in my head as a fantasy. But I feel cooler calling it a dream. Joffrey went out hunting and caught up with the white stag in the woods. He's so much better than his stupid, old, drunk, fat father. He's so noble and handsome!
Jeyne: Oh, so Joffrey touched the white stag? Because in those stories the gallant knight always touches the stag and lets it go on its way.
Sansa: No. Joffrey killed it in my dream. Because Joffrey really, really likes killing. He won't stop talking about it. He talked about stomping on an anthill and strangling stray dogs in the street. I love him so much! He's the perfect match for me.
Jeyne: Actually, that's how serial killers start out. Sounds creepy. Plus didn't the Lannisters just kill a bunch of your father's men?
Sansa: That wasn't Joffrey's fault! That was his bad uncle Jaime. Joffrey is innocent! He would never do anything to hurt my daddy or his men. Blaming Joffrey would be like blaming me for something that Arya did.
Jeyne: Speaking of your sister, I saw that crazy bitch walking around on her hands the other day. What's up with that?
Sansa: Nobody can understand why Arya does anything. Oh, and hey! Let me change the subject again and talk to you about this guy who came from the Night's Watch. He was smelly and stupid and he wanted to--
Jeyne: --Nah, boring. Your story is boring and your stories are always boring. Let's go to the kitchen and see if there are any lemon cakes.
Sansa: I should be offended by you cutting me off like that, but I LOVE LEMON CAKES.
They go to do that instead.
The next morning comes and Beric and his men ride out to hunt down The Mountain. Sansa watches as they leave.
Sansa: It's just like one of the songs come to life! I'm living in a romantic fantasy where everything is wonderful! La la la!
She skips up to find the Tower of the Hand almost completely deserted because most of Ned's men have been sent out with Beric to find The Mountain. Really only Arya and the Septa are there. She's so lonely that even Arya seems like good company. That lasts for half a minute.
Sansa: Oh boy, this sure is fun times, isn't it? I wonder if they'll stick The Mountain's head on a gate down there or if his head will be brought back here?
Septa: Gross! Don't talk about that at breakfast.
Arya: It's really fucked up that men are being sent out to kill The Mountain in revenge for him killing those random villagers far away who we don't even know. Nobody sent men out to kill the Hound after he killed Mycah. Nobody sent men out to kill Jaime after he killed Jory.
Sansa: You're STUPID, Arya. Those are different. Besides, Mycah attacked my beautiful wonderful and noble prince, Joffrey.
Arya: You are such a fucking cunt liar. You know that never happened.
Arya throws an orange at Sansa.
Sansa: My dress! You ruined my beautiful dress with your gross orange! Queen Cersei gave me this dress!
Arya: Good. I want to kill that bitch too.
Sansa: It should have been YOU that they killed, Arya. Not Lady!
Septa: Okay, that's enough of that. Both. To your rooms. NOW.
Sansa: WHAT?! But I'm totally innocent of all wrong-doing and am completely unable to decipher how anything I have done to exacerbate this situation is my own fault!
Septa: I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM OR I GET OUT THE SWITCH.
And Sansa goes to her room and cries herself to sleep. She's eventually woken by a knock, with a message that her dad wants to see her. She reluctantly heads out. When she gets there, she sees that Arya is there too.
Ned: You two are such pains in my ass.
Sansa: ARYA STARTED IT!
Arya: I'm so sorry, dear papa. Please... accept my apologies for the role I played in this. Sansa, let me ask for forgiveness from you for this. I'll help wash or dress or do whatever I can to make it up to you.
Sansa: Wait... what? Who are you and what have you done with the real Arya?
Ned: Enough, you too. I'm sending you both back to Winterfell.
Sansa: What?! NO! Please don't punish me, father! It's all Arya's fault! Besides, I have to stay here to marry Joffrey! He's the perfect man!
Ned: Hahaha, oh WOW. You are stupid AF, Sansa. You really think that's still going to happen? No way. We'll find you another fine match to marry.
Sansa: NOOOO! You can't take him away from me! We're going to have a prince with beautiful golden hair just like a lion.
Arya: You mean like a stag, right? Because his last name is Baratheon. He's a Baratheon, not a Lannister. So he's not a lion. And he's also a liar and a coward.
Sansa: NO! He's not like his drunk, fat, stupid father! He's different! He's perfect! I hate his father and I hate you Arya and I hate you too, daddy! You're all trying to ruin my life!
Ned: Damnit, Sansa. You annoying little ginger. I'm not sending you away as punishment. I'm sending you away for your own safety. These Lannisters cannot be trusted. Besides, don't you want to go home and see your brothers again? You're going to travel home by ship, but you must not tell anyone. It needs to be a secret. Septa Mordane will help ready your things.
Arya: Wow, a ship? That sounds like an awesome adventure.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO!
Sansa runs away crying.
Ned: Geez, that girl... what am I going to... wait... wait a second... Arya! What was that you said a second ago about Baratheons and Lannisters?
Arya: Uhh... that Joffrey is a Baratheon, not a Lannister. Despite the fact that he has golden hair.
Ned: HOLY SHIT!
Ned pulls out his CSI notebook and stares at it, his mouth agape.
Sansa: My dad is an idiot! The Knight of Flowers is the most handsome and brave knight. He should have been the one to go! He's just like all the handsome heroes in the songs.
Jeyne Poole: No way. Beric Dondarrion was the right pick. Beric is so handsome and gallant.
Sansa: What? Beric? EWW! Gross! He's sooooo old. He's ALMOST 22!
That's right. Sansa really called a 21 year old character "old."
Sansa: But whatever. Forget all that Mountain stuff. I want to tell you about this dream I had. Well, it isn't actually a dream because it was just something I made up in my head as a fantasy. But I feel cooler calling it a dream. Joffrey went out hunting and caught up with the white stag in the woods. He's so much better than his stupid, old, drunk, fat father. He's so noble and handsome!
Jeyne: Oh, so Joffrey touched the white stag? Because in those stories the gallant knight always touches the stag and lets it go on its way.
Sansa: No. Joffrey killed it in my dream. Because Joffrey really, really likes killing. He won't stop talking about it. He talked about stomping on an anthill and strangling stray dogs in the street. I love him so much! He's the perfect match for me.
Jeyne: Actually, that's how serial killers start out. Sounds creepy. Plus didn't the Lannisters just kill a bunch of your father's men?
Sansa: That wasn't Joffrey's fault! That was his bad uncle Jaime. Joffrey is innocent! He would never do anything to hurt my daddy or his men. Blaming Joffrey would be like blaming me for something that Arya did.
Jeyne: Speaking of your sister, I saw that crazy bitch walking around on her hands the other day. What's up with that?
Sansa: Nobody can understand why Arya does anything. Oh, and hey! Let me change the subject again and talk to you about this guy who came from the Night's Watch. He was smelly and stupid and he wanted to--
Jeyne: --Nah, boring. Your story is boring and your stories are always boring. Let's go to the kitchen and see if there are any lemon cakes.
Sansa: I should be offended by you cutting me off like that, but I LOVE LEMON CAKES.
They go to do that instead.
The next morning comes and Beric and his men ride out to hunt down The Mountain. Sansa watches as they leave.
Sansa: It's just like one of the songs come to life! I'm living in a romantic fantasy where everything is wonderful! La la la!
She skips up to find the Tower of the Hand almost completely deserted because most of Ned's men have been sent out with Beric to find The Mountain. Really only Arya and the Septa are there. She's so lonely that even Arya seems like good company. That lasts for half a minute.
Sansa: Oh boy, this sure is fun times, isn't it? I wonder if they'll stick The Mountain's head on a gate down there or if his head will be brought back here?
Septa: Gross! Don't talk about that at breakfast.
Arya: It's really fucked up that men are being sent out to kill The Mountain in revenge for him killing those random villagers far away who we don't even know. Nobody sent men out to kill the Hound after he killed Mycah. Nobody sent men out to kill Jaime after he killed Jory.
Sansa: You're STUPID, Arya. Those are different. Besides, Mycah attacked my beautiful wonderful and noble prince, Joffrey.
Arya: You are such a fucking cunt liar. You know that never happened.
Arya throws an orange at Sansa.
Sansa: My dress! You ruined my beautiful dress with your gross orange! Queen Cersei gave me this dress!
Arya: Good. I want to kill that bitch too.
Sansa: It should have been YOU that they killed, Arya. Not Lady!
Septa: Okay, that's enough of that. Both. To your rooms. NOW.
Sansa: WHAT?! But I'm totally innocent of all wrong-doing and am completely unable to decipher how anything I have done to exacerbate this situation is my own fault!
Septa: I SAID GO TO YOUR ROOM OR I GET OUT THE SWITCH.
And Sansa goes to her room and cries herself to sleep. She's eventually woken by a knock, with a message that her dad wants to see her. She reluctantly heads out. When she gets there, she sees that Arya is there too.
Ned: You two are such pains in my ass.
Sansa: ARYA STARTED IT!
Arya: I'm so sorry, dear papa. Please... accept my apologies for the role I played in this. Sansa, let me ask for forgiveness from you for this. I'll help wash or dress or do whatever I can to make it up to you.
Sansa: Wait... what? Who are you and what have you done with the real Arya?
Ned: Enough, you too. I'm sending you both back to Winterfell.
Sansa: What?! NO! Please don't punish me, father! It's all Arya's fault! Besides, I have to stay here to marry Joffrey! He's the perfect man!
Ned: Hahaha, oh WOW. You are stupid AF, Sansa. You really think that's still going to happen? No way. We'll find you another fine match to marry.
Sansa: NOOOO! You can't take him away from me! We're going to have a prince with beautiful golden hair just like a lion.
Arya: You mean like a stag, right? Because his last name is Baratheon. He's a Baratheon, not a Lannister. So he's not a lion. And he's also a liar and a coward.
Sansa: NO! He's not like his drunk, fat, stupid father! He's different! He's perfect! I hate his father and I hate you Arya and I hate you too, daddy! You're all trying to ruin my life!
Ned: Damnit, Sansa. You annoying little ginger. I'm not sending you away as punishment. I'm sending you away for your own safety. These Lannisters cannot be trusted. Besides, don't you want to go home and see your brothers again? You're going to travel home by ship, but you must not tell anyone. It needs to be a secret. Septa Mordane will help ready your things.
Arya: Wow, a ship? That sounds like an awesome adventure.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO!
Sansa runs away crying.
Ned: Geez, that girl... what am I going to... wait... wait a second... Arya! What was that you said a second ago about Baratheons and Lannisters?
Arya: Uhh... that Joffrey is a Baratheon, not a Lannister. Despite the fact that he has golden hair.
Ned: HOLY SHIT!
Ned pulls out his CSI notebook and stares at it, his mouth agape.
Monday, October 9, 2017
AGoT 43: Eddard XI
Ned sits on the Iron Throne. It is super uncomfortable. Unlike the TV show throne, this thing is huge. There are steps you need to climb up. It's super tall and has spiky sword blades still sticking out of it. Spending hours on top of it is unbearable. But with King Robert out hunting, that's just what the Hand of the King has to do. In the King's place, Ned hears a bunch of people come up to petition. Varys, Littlefinger and Pycelle stand below him as his small council and listen. All the other folks like Renly are out with the King. But these petitions are open to the public, so a lot of people are standing around watching.
Some Villager: Your majesty, if it pleases you...
Ned: Hahaha, oh brother! Dude, I'm totally not the king. I find it hilarious that you have no clue what your own king looks like.
Ser Karyl Vance: Lord Hand, if I may speak instead. Greetings, I am Ser Karyl Vance, a knight of House Vance of Wayfarer's Rest. I come to you with the petitions of a number of these villagers and smallfolk. There has been chaos in the lands. Many of the smallfolk here are survivors of a recent attack on Sherrer. And look, I don't want to call anyone in particular out -- but it all started as soon as your wife kidnapped Tyrion Lannister. There have been brutalities, rapes, arson, and overall destruction. But these raiders who have come into our lands have not been stealing. They have been just destroying. I am certain that these men are Lannister men!
The Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: A bold accusation, Ser Karyl. What evidence do you have of this being a Lannister attack? Did they wave banners with the lion?
Ser Karyl: Oh, surely you know that they would be too smart to do that. But they have ridden in huge parties of 50 to 100 men. They were well organized and trained. They rode war horses and had good weapons and armor. Common thieves do not have these capabilities and common thieves actually steal things. But the greatest piece of evidence... their leader was a huge man. The Mountain!
The Crowd: *AGAIN, GASP*
Pycelle: There are many large men in this Kingdom. It is not necessarily The Mountain. He is an anointed knight and not a brigand.
Ser Karyl: Oh, this guy was The Mountain. Trust us. Nobody else is this big.
Ser Marq Piper: The Mountain is a false knight and Lord Tywin Lannister's mad dog. And like a Mad Dog he must be put down! It's required by code. It's all in a sub-regulation which falls under the charter establishing the Westeros Animal Disease Control Division.
Pycelle: Lord Hand, need I remind the court that Lord Tywin is the father of the Queen!
Ned: Oh yeah, thanks Pycelle. I'm sure the court would have forgotten that had you not reminded us.
The Crowd: *HAHAHA, Good one Ned!*
Ned looks at the crowd of the court, wondering how they are so good at all saying the same thing in unison like a Greek chorus or like how everyone knows all the lyrics to songs in musical comedies. It's strange. But in the crowd he spots Septa Mordane and Sansa. Oh shit! Sansa is listening to this horrible petition about rape and murder? Still, Ned figures he can't blame the Septa for bringing Sansa here. Usually petitions to the King are about boring stuff like issuing a new stamp with a bird on it or setting up a national ice cream day. Mordane was only trying to give Sansa a civics lesson.
Littlefinger: And where exactly were the knights who were supposed to be protecting these lands?
Ser Karyl: We had been summoned back to Riverrun and below the Golden Tooth in anticipation of a Lannister invasion. Ser Edmure has since sent forces to guard the border and defend the hodlfasts.
Ned: Hrm... spreading the forces out. That could be just what Tywin wants!
Varys: What was that, Lord Hand?
Ned: Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself.
Littlefinger: What exactly do you want us to do about it, good knights of the Riverlands? What is it specifically you wish to petition about?
Ser Karyl: We seek permission to get revenge! Let us attack the Lannisters and...
Ned: Whoa, whoa. Hold it there. If the Bannermen of the Tulleys attack the Lannisters and we don't have solid proof that they are guilty, that could give Lord Tywin all he needs to say that YOUR SIDE attacked first and he was the wronged party. And I'm not sure Robert is smart enough to figure this all out when he gets back from the hunt. Still, there does seem to be evidence that the Mountain is leading these attacks so he must be held accountable.
Pycelle: The Mountain is one of Lord Tywin's bannerman and thus is it Lord Tywin's job to bring justice upon him if he has committed a crime.
Ned: Really Pycelle? Really? All justice in Westeros comes from THE KING, and I'm the one sitting in the throne right now as Hand. This is my decision. Lord Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr, Ser Gladden Wylde, and Lord Lothar Mallery... you are each to assemble twenty men and find the Mountain and bring him to justice. And by that I mean "kill him." Lord Beric will have overall command. I'll also send out 20 of my own men too because leaving the Stark household in Kings Landing undefended after we were just attacked seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do, right? Ser Robar Royce, you shall travel to the King and his hunting expedition and make sure that he is informed of this decision by his Hand. So let it be written, so let it be done.
The Crowd: *Ooh, Ten Commandments reference. Nice!*
Loras Tyrell: WHAT?! No, Ned! I want to be the one who hunts down The Mountain! Remember how I beat him in that joust and how he tried to kill me after? I should have the honor!
Ned: Nope, we need someone better than a pretty boy. That's it. You shall ride at first light. And that's it. No more petitions today.
The crowd starts to disperse with Ned ending the proceedings. Ned gets up and walks down the stairs to the throne, and Varys pulls him aside.
Varys: A very bold decision, Lord Hand. Still, I think sending Loras would have been a good idea. It is good to make the Tyrells the enemies of the Lannisters as well... and a friend to the Starks.
Ned: Look, I don't play this gamesmanship stuff and manipulate situations like you all do here. I'm just trying to deliver the King's justice.
Varys: Then perhaps you should have sent Ser Illyn Paye, the official executioner, to do the job. That would have been the proper procedure.
Ned: House Payne is sworn to House Lannister. You really think it would be a good idea to order a Lannister man to execute a Lannister man?
Varys: Hrm, perhaps a good point. But I saw Ser Illyn in the back of the crowd and he looked most unhappy. He does so love his job.
Ned: Who cares if Illyn Payne is unhappy with me. What's he going to do about it? Cut my head off?
Some Villager: Your majesty, if it pleases you...
Ned: Hahaha, oh brother! Dude, I'm totally not the king. I find it hilarious that you have no clue what your own king looks like.
Ser Karyl Vance: Lord Hand, if I may speak instead. Greetings, I am Ser Karyl Vance, a knight of House Vance of Wayfarer's Rest. I come to you with the petitions of a number of these villagers and smallfolk. There has been chaos in the lands. Many of the smallfolk here are survivors of a recent attack on Sherrer. And look, I don't want to call anyone in particular out -- but it all started as soon as your wife kidnapped Tyrion Lannister. There have been brutalities, rapes, arson, and overall destruction. But these raiders who have come into our lands have not been stealing. They have been just destroying. I am certain that these men are Lannister men!
The Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: A bold accusation, Ser Karyl. What evidence do you have of this being a Lannister attack? Did they wave banners with the lion?
Ser Karyl: Oh, surely you know that they would be too smart to do that. But they have ridden in huge parties of 50 to 100 men. They were well organized and trained. They rode war horses and had good weapons and armor. Common thieves do not have these capabilities and common thieves actually steal things. But the greatest piece of evidence... their leader was a huge man. The Mountain!
The Crowd: *AGAIN, GASP*
Pycelle: There are many large men in this Kingdom. It is not necessarily The Mountain. He is an anointed knight and not a brigand.
Ser Karyl: Oh, this guy was The Mountain. Trust us. Nobody else is this big.
Ser Marq Piper: The Mountain is a false knight and Lord Tywin Lannister's mad dog. And like a Mad Dog he must be put down! It's required by code. It's all in a sub-regulation which falls under the charter establishing the Westeros Animal Disease Control Division.
Pycelle: Lord Hand, need I remind the court that Lord Tywin is the father of the Queen!
Ned: Oh yeah, thanks Pycelle. I'm sure the court would have forgotten that had you not reminded us.
The Crowd: *HAHAHA, Good one Ned!*
Ned looks at the crowd of the court, wondering how they are so good at all saying the same thing in unison like a Greek chorus or like how everyone knows all the lyrics to songs in musical comedies. It's strange. But in the crowd he spots Septa Mordane and Sansa. Oh shit! Sansa is listening to this horrible petition about rape and murder? Still, Ned figures he can't blame the Septa for bringing Sansa here. Usually petitions to the King are about boring stuff like issuing a new stamp with a bird on it or setting up a national ice cream day. Mordane was only trying to give Sansa a civics lesson.
Littlefinger: And where exactly were the knights who were supposed to be protecting these lands?
Ser Karyl: We had been summoned back to Riverrun and below the Golden Tooth in anticipation of a Lannister invasion. Ser Edmure has since sent forces to guard the border and defend the hodlfasts.
Ned: Hrm... spreading the forces out. That could be just what Tywin wants!
Varys: What was that, Lord Hand?
Ned: Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself.
Littlefinger: What exactly do you want us to do about it, good knights of the Riverlands? What is it specifically you wish to petition about?
Ser Karyl: We seek permission to get revenge! Let us attack the Lannisters and...
Ned: Whoa, whoa. Hold it there. If the Bannermen of the Tulleys attack the Lannisters and we don't have solid proof that they are guilty, that could give Lord Tywin all he needs to say that YOUR SIDE attacked first and he was the wronged party. And I'm not sure Robert is smart enough to figure this all out when he gets back from the hunt. Still, there does seem to be evidence that the Mountain is leading these attacks so he must be held accountable.
Pycelle: The Mountain is one of Lord Tywin's bannerman and thus is it Lord Tywin's job to bring justice upon him if he has committed a crime.
Ned: Really Pycelle? Really? All justice in Westeros comes from THE KING, and I'm the one sitting in the throne right now as Hand. This is my decision. Lord Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr, Ser Gladden Wylde, and Lord Lothar Mallery... you are each to assemble twenty men and find the Mountain and bring him to justice. And by that I mean "kill him." Lord Beric will have overall command. I'll also send out 20 of my own men too because leaving the Stark household in Kings Landing undefended after we were just attacked seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do, right? Ser Robar Royce, you shall travel to the King and his hunting expedition and make sure that he is informed of this decision by his Hand. So let it be written, so let it be done.
The Crowd: *Ooh, Ten Commandments reference. Nice!*
Loras Tyrell: WHAT?! No, Ned! I want to be the one who hunts down The Mountain! Remember how I beat him in that joust and how he tried to kill me after? I should have the honor!
Ned: Nope, we need someone better than a pretty boy. That's it. You shall ride at first light. And that's it. No more petitions today.
The crowd starts to disperse with Ned ending the proceedings. Ned gets up and walks down the stairs to the throne, and Varys pulls him aside.
Varys: A very bold decision, Lord Hand. Still, I think sending Loras would have been a good idea. It is good to make the Tyrells the enemies of the Lannisters as well... and a friend to the Starks.
Ned: Look, I don't play this gamesmanship stuff and manipulate situations like you all do here. I'm just trying to deliver the King's justice.
Varys: Then perhaps you should have sent Ser Illyn Paye, the official executioner, to do the job. That would have been the proper procedure.
Ned: House Payne is sworn to House Lannister. You really think it would be a good idea to order a Lannister man to execute a Lannister man?
Varys: Hrm, perhaps a good point. But I saw Ser Illyn in the back of the crowd and he looked most unhappy. He does so love his job.
Ned: Who cares if Illyn Payne is unhappy with me. What's he going to do about it? Cut my head off?
Saturday, October 7, 2017
AGoT 42: Tyrion VI
Tyrion and Bronn are traveling the insanely dangerous High Road between the Inn at the Crossroads and the Bloody Gate in the Vale of Arryn. It's where Tyrion and Bronn were attacked by the Vale mountain clans multiple times on their way to the Eyrie and where Tyrion lost an ear in battle. Now they have to do the same trek again... by themselves.
Tyrion: Fuck it's cold. Help me gather some wood so I can make a fire.
Bronn: Are you a moron? Making a fire will only attract all these clansmen. It will lead them right to us and they'll kill us all. What we need to do is ride through this road as fast as we can and get the hell out of here.
Tyrion: What's the point? The clansmen own this road. As two men alone we're doomed no matter how fast we go. We need a different strategy if we want to live.
Bronn: Okay Mr. Genius, what exactly is that strategy?
Tyrion: Go hunt and catch us some game and I'll tell you.
Bronn goes out and gets some game. It's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Tyrion: No, no, no. I mean the other type of game. I don't want to eat these Slim Jims and hard bread that Lysa gave us.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH!
Tyrion: What was that?
Bronn: Yeah, I heard it too. Some voice in the distance.
Tyrion: Anyway... what I mean is fetch us some animal to eat.
Bronn: How about instead I just take your horse and get the fuck out of here, abandoning you? What will happen then?
Tyrion: What will happen then is I die.
Bronn: Damn right you will, haha. Think I won't?
Tyrion: Oh, I think you'd let me die if it was in your best interest. You had previously been travelling with that other sellsword Chiggen and you let him die. Actually, you killed him. You told everyone that the clansmen killed him but you actually stuck a knife in him because he was wounded and he was slowing us all down. You look out for yourself. But that's cool, man. I get it. I don't need your friendship. I need your sword. And if it's in your best interest to protect me and make sure I live... then that's exactly what you'll do.
Bronn: Okay smartiepants, tell me what's in my best interest.
Tyrion: Well fuck... at first it was in your best interest to agree to Cat Stark's demand that I be taken prisoner at the Inn at the Crossroads. You could get some gold out of it. With a normal Lord you might even think of being knighted or becoming part of that Lord's household for helping out with such a task. But not with these Stark assholes. They're such tightass, "honorable" dicks that they'd never warm to a sellsword or take you on permanently. But then you realized that joining Team Lannister was the way to go. We got all the gold. Helping me out could work out to your advantage. That's why you volunteered to serve me in the trial by combat. You think you can get something from me. Land? Gold? Women? Sure enough... you can have it!
Bronn: Damn right.
Tyrion: If betraying me or leaving me behind worked out in your favor - you'd do it in a heartbeat. But remember this before you think of doing so. Whatever anyone else offers you to betray me... I promise that I will DOUBLE IT, no matter what.
Bronn: Shit man, that's all you had to say!
And within an hour Bronn is back after a hunt and has caught a goat. Bronn starts a fire (because Tyrion is too much of a rich and sheltered Lord to know how to start a fire himself) and they cook the goat and eat it.
Tyrion: After being starved for so many days by Lysa you'd think this would be the best meal I've ever had. But actually it's pretty stringy.
Bronn: Fuck you, man. Goat is all that's out here. You think there are a bunch of Waygu cattle roaming around this road with fabulously marbled oleaginous unsaturated fat? You're lucky I even got the goat. Maybe if you gave me a bag of gold like you have that dickwad Mord a bag of gold I'd have looked harder for a tastier animal.
Tyrion: A Lannister always pays his debts! You'll have a bag of gold and more.
Bronn: Fair enough. So what the fuck are we going to do when we get off of this shitty road?
Tyrion: Well, I don't know about you... but the first thing I'm going to do is a whore on a feather bed. From there, I dunno. Maybe go go King's Landing to figure out what is up with this knife thing. These assholes planted this knife and said I tried to murder that Stark boy. I need to figure out why they made up that story.
Bronn: Hahaha, whatever man! It's just me here, Ol' Bronn. You don't have to lie.
Tyrion: No, seriously! I want to find out who made up these stories about me trying to kill the boy.
Bronn: OH SHIT! So you actually ARE innocent?
Tyrion: Of course.
Bronn: Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Wow. You know, when I volunteered to fight for you, I was just thinking about all the gold you were going to give me after I won. I didn't even think about the possibility that you were actually innocent of the charges.
Tyrion: Well, I am. And damn... it sure is taking a while for these clansmen to attack us like is part of my brilliant plan when starting this fire to lure them in. Shouldn't they be here by now?
Bronn: They probably think it's some kind of trap. What kind of idiots would be stupid enough to start a fire and roast a goat here on the high road? This place is more dangerous than Detroit.
Tyrion: Well, if we're just going to sit around and kill time until we're attacked by clansmen, I might as well tell you the story about how I popped my cherry.
Bronn: Gross.
Tyrion: I was just a kid. 13 years old. And there was this girl named Tysha that was in danger. But me and my brother Jaime helped saved her. She was so grateful to me. After Jaime left I got drunk on wine and Tysha and I made sweet, sweet love. After that we got married in a secret ceremony and for a couple of weeks we lived as husband and wife. Some drunk Septon was stupid enough to marry us. But then the Septon got sober and told my father, Tywin. I was so embarrassed. But then Jaime admitted that Tysha was a whore and he set the whole thing up to get me laid. My dad laughed so fucking hard at how pathetic I was. He then paid Tysha a bunch of silver and had me watch as a bunch of dudes ran a train on her. One silver for each guy. Then my dad made me go last and get the sloppiest of sloppy seconds. Sloppy twentieths, really. But Tywin paid in gold for that one, saying that Lannisters were worth more.
Bronn:That is gross and fucked up. Also... what exactly is a "train?"
Tyrion: I'm not sure.
Bronn: If anyone did that to me... I'd kill him.
Tyrion: I just might. A Lannister always pays his debts! Why, I bet one day I'll shoot him while he sits on a toilet.
Bronn: That's a rather specific prediction.
Tyrion starts to doze off to sleep, dreaming he's back in the Sky Cells - but this time as the guard rather than the prisoner. Then he's awoken by Bronn nudging him.
Bronn: Uhhh... Tyrion.
Tyrion's eyes pop open and they are surrounded by a bunch of clansmen.
Tyrion: Oh, hey there guys! Please, share some goat with us.
Shagga: I am Shagga, son of Dolf.
Gunthor: I am Gunthor, son of Gurn.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH! I am Macho, son of Angelo Poffo. Did the Macho Man hear one of you talking about Slim Jims earlier?
Gunthor: You no offer us goat as gift, small half man. That not gift. That our goat. Half man steal from us. We are Stone Crows.
Tyrion: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please allow me to pay you for eating your goat. Also... Stone Crows. I like it. Band name?
Gunthor: What you pay with?
Tyrion: We have silver, weapons and armor.
Gunthor: No. WE STONE CROWS have silver, weapons and armor now. You in Stone Crow land so it belong to Stone Crows. You have nothing to offer but your lives, so that we shall take from your bodies. How you wish to die, half man?
Tyrion: How would I wish to die? Uhh... I'd like to die of a heart attack at 80 years old in my bed, drunk on wine during an orgy with a bunch of supermodels.
Randy Savage: Hahaha! THE MACHO MAN LIKES THIS HALF MAN! Let's keep him and kill the other guy with my Atomic Elbow Drop! This Half Man could definitely entertain us. I can't wait to introduce him to the lovely Miss Elizabeth!
Bronn: The hell you will kill me!
Bronn stands up and pulls out his sword.
Tyrion: No, Bronn. Wait. Surely there must be some deal we can make here. What is it that you need? My family is very rich and can get you whatever you want. Your weapons are poor. The armorers in Lannisport could make you much better weapons. Just let me and my friend live and it is done.
Gunthor: Stone Crows do need more gooder weapons. Help them kill better to feed starving wives and children. What else you give Stone Crows to live?
Tyrion: Oh... if you have starving wives and children I can offer you much better than just weapons. I can offer you shelter and homes... right here where you already live. I can offer you... the Vale of Arryn!!!
Tyrion: Fuck it's cold. Help me gather some wood so I can make a fire.
Bronn: Are you a moron? Making a fire will only attract all these clansmen. It will lead them right to us and they'll kill us all. What we need to do is ride through this road as fast as we can and get the hell out of here.
Tyrion: What's the point? The clansmen own this road. As two men alone we're doomed no matter how fast we go. We need a different strategy if we want to live.
Bronn: Okay Mr. Genius, what exactly is that strategy?
Tyrion: Go hunt and catch us some game and I'll tell you.
Bronn goes out and gets some game. It's The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
Tyrion: No, no, no. I mean the other type of game. I don't want to eat these Slim Jims and hard bread that Lysa gave us.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH!
Tyrion: What was that?
Bronn: Yeah, I heard it too. Some voice in the distance.
Tyrion: Anyway... what I mean is fetch us some animal to eat.
Bronn: How about instead I just take your horse and get the fuck out of here, abandoning you? What will happen then?
Tyrion: What will happen then is I die.
Bronn: Damn right you will, haha. Think I won't?
Tyrion: Oh, I think you'd let me die if it was in your best interest. You had previously been travelling with that other sellsword Chiggen and you let him die. Actually, you killed him. You told everyone that the clansmen killed him but you actually stuck a knife in him because he was wounded and he was slowing us all down. You look out for yourself. But that's cool, man. I get it. I don't need your friendship. I need your sword. And if it's in your best interest to protect me and make sure I live... then that's exactly what you'll do.
Bronn: Okay smartiepants, tell me what's in my best interest.
Tyrion: Well fuck... at first it was in your best interest to agree to Cat Stark's demand that I be taken prisoner at the Inn at the Crossroads. You could get some gold out of it. With a normal Lord you might even think of being knighted or becoming part of that Lord's household for helping out with such a task. But not with these Stark assholes. They're such tightass, "honorable" dicks that they'd never warm to a sellsword or take you on permanently. But then you realized that joining Team Lannister was the way to go. We got all the gold. Helping me out could work out to your advantage. That's why you volunteered to serve me in the trial by combat. You think you can get something from me. Land? Gold? Women? Sure enough... you can have it!
Bronn: Damn right.
Tyrion: If betraying me or leaving me behind worked out in your favor - you'd do it in a heartbeat. But remember this before you think of doing so. Whatever anyone else offers you to betray me... I promise that I will DOUBLE IT, no matter what.
Bronn: Shit man, that's all you had to say!
And within an hour Bronn is back after a hunt and has caught a goat. Bronn starts a fire (because Tyrion is too much of a rich and sheltered Lord to know how to start a fire himself) and they cook the goat and eat it.
Tyrion: After being starved for so many days by Lysa you'd think this would be the best meal I've ever had. But actually it's pretty stringy.
Bronn: Fuck you, man. Goat is all that's out here. You think there are a bunch of Waygu cattle roaming around this road with fabulously marbled oleaginous unsaturated fat? You're lucky I even got the goat. Maybe if you gave me a bag of gold like you have that dickwad Mord a bag of gold I'd have looked harder for a tastier animal.
Tyrion: A Lannister always pays his debts! You'll have a bag of gold and more.
Bronn: Fair enough. So what the fuck are we going to do when we get off of this shitty road?
Tyrion: Well, I don't know about you... but the first thing I'm going to do is a whore on a feather bed. From there, I dunno. Maybe go go King's Landing to figure out what is up with this knife thing. These assholes planted this knife and said I tried to murder that Stark boy. I need to figure out why they made up that story.
Bronn: Hahaha, whatever man! It's just me here, Ol' Bronn. You don't have to lie.
Tyrion: No, seriously! I want to find out who made up these stories about me trying to kill the boy.
Bronn: OH SHIT! So you actually ARE innocent?
Tyrion: Of course.
Bronn: Fuuuuuuuuuuck. Wow. You know, when I volunteered to fight for you, I was just thinking about all the gold you were going to give me after I won. I didn't even think about the possibility that you were actually innocent of the charges.
Tyrion: Well, I am. And damn... it sure is taking a while for these clansmen to attack us like is part of my brilliant plan when starting this fire to lure them in. Shouldn't they be here by now?
Bronn: They probably think it's some kind of trap. What kind of idiots would be stupid enough to start a fire and roast a goat here on the high road? This place is more dangerous than Detroit.
Tyrion: Well, if we're just going to sit around and kill time until we're attacked by clansmen, I might as well tell you the story about how I popped my cherry.
Bronn: Gross.
Tyrion: I was just a kid. 13 years old. And there was this girl named Tysha that was in danger. But me and my brother Jaime helped saved her. She was so grateful to me. After Jaime left I got drunk on wine and Tysha and I made sweet, sweet love. After that we got married in a secret ceremony and for a couple of weeks we lived as husband and wife. Some drunk Septon was stupid enough to marry us. But then the Septon got sober and told my father, Tywin. I was so embarrassed. But then Jaime admitted that Tysha was a whore and he set the whole thing up to get me laid. My dad laughed so fucking hard at how pathetic I was. He then paid Tysha a bunch of silver and had me watch as a bunch of dudes ran a train on her. One silver for each guy. Then my dad made me go last and get the sloppiest of sloppy seconds. Sloppy twentieths, really. But Tywin paid in gold for that one, saying that Lannisters were worth more.
Bronn:That is gross and fucked up. Also... what exactly is a "train?"
Tyrion: I'm not sure.
Bronn: If anyone did that to me... I'd kill him.
Tyrion: I just might. A Lannister always pays his debts! Why, I bet one day I'll shoot him while he sits on a toilet.
Bronn: That's a rather specific prediction.
Tyrion starts to doze off to sleep, dreaming he's back in the Sky Cells - but this time as the guard rather than the prisoner. Then he's awoken by Bronn nudging him.
Bronn: Uhhh... Tyrion.
Tyrion's eyes pop open and they are surrounded by a bunch of clansmen.
Tyrion: Oh, hey there guys! Please, share some goat with us.
Shagga: I am Shagga, son of Dolf.
Gunthor: I am Gunthor, son of Gurn.
Randy Savage: OOOOHHH YEAH! I am Macho, son of Angelo Poffo. Did the Macho Man hear one of you talking about Slim Jims earlier?
Gunthor: You no offer us goat as gift, small half man. That not gift. That our goat. Half man steal from us. We are Stone Crows.
Tyrion: Oh, I'm so sorry. Please allow me to pay you for eating your goat. Also... Stone Crows. I like it. Band name?
Gunthor: What you pay with?
Tyrion: We have silver, weapons and armor.
Gunthor: No. WE STONE CROWS have silver, weapons and armor now. You in Stone Crow land so it belong to Stone Crows. You have nothing to offer but your lives, so that we shall take from your bodies. How you wish to die, half man?
Tyrion: How would I wish to die? Uhh... I'd like to die of a heart attack at 80 years old in my bed, drunk on wine during an orgy with a bunch of supermodels.
Randy Savage: Hahaha! THE MACHO MAN LIKES THIS HALF MAN! Let's keep him and kill the other guy with my Atomic Elbow Drop! This Half Man could definitely entertain us. I can't wait to introduce him to the lovely Miss Elizabeth!
Bronn: The hell you will kill me!
Bronn stands up and pulls out his sword.
Tyrion: No, Bronn. Wait. Surely there must be some deal we can make here. What is it that you need? My family is very rich and can get you whatever you want. Your weapons are poor. The armorers in Lannisport could make you much better weapons. Just let me and my friend live and it is done.
Gunthor: Stone Crows do need more gooder weapons. Help them kill better to feed starving wives and children. What else you give Stone Crows to live?
Tyrion: Oh... if you have starving wives and children I can offer you much better than just weapons. I can offer you shelter and homes... right here where you already live. I can offer you... the Vale of Arryn!!!
Thursday, October 5, 2017
AGoT 41: Jon V
Ser Alliser: Hey everyone, we got a bunch of new recruits that have just arrived here at the Wall. Which means I need to graduate a bunch of you guys out from under my control and elevate you to now report directly to Commander Mormont. I think you're all still shitty and undeserving to graduate. But the federal government instituted some class size rules so that my class of trainees can only be so large. Therefore, I'm promoting the following worthless, douche assholes: Todder, Halder, Grenn, Dareon, Albett, Pyp, Matthar, and that cock-sucking bastard Lord Snow. Thorne out.
And Ser Alliser walks away because he hates everyone.
The recruits that just got promoted to full-time, for-real Night's Watch status celebrate. The other recruits cheer and are happy for their brothers. Everyone seems happy and they begin a feast in celebration. Everyone except for Jon Fucking Snow because he's a dour, moping, brooding bastard.
Pyp: What is wrong, Jon? You were just told you're a real brother now! You're probably going to be the First Ranger one day just like your uncle Benjen was!
Jon: Uh, you mean like my uncle Benjen IS. Because I'm still in denial about him being dead and refuse to accept it.
Pyp: Oh. Is that why you're acting like there is a pole up your ass?
Jon: Yeah, that and another thing. Everyone who got promoted were the people who looked out for Sam and his fat ass. Now Sam will probably get the shit beat out of him.
Pyp: *shrugs* Whatever, we did all we could do for him.
Jon: No man, this is messed up. I gotta... I gotta ride this shit off and think.
And so Jon gets on a horse and goes riding along the wall by himself, thinking about life and continuing to mope and brood. He thinks about life outside of the Night's Watch and of returning home. Technically he hasn't sworn his vows yet so he can leave. Most assholes in the Night's Watch are criminals who were forced to come here - being given the choice of joining the Watch or being executed. But Jon was the one dumbass who volunteered to come. Because he wasn't a full brother yet and hadn't sworn his vows - he could technically leave at any time and go home.
But where exactly was home? Winterfell was different now. Besides, his bitch-ass stepmom Cat Stark hates him and he's pretty sure he saw her try to poison his food. He could try to go find his REAL mom and live with her... but his dad Ned wouldn't even tell him anything about her. Probably because she was some whore or something. Why else would dad never even talk about her? There was no place for him anywhere but the Wall now.
Jon rides back and knocks on the door of Maester Aemon. Despite the fact that it's past midnight and that old man needs to sleep.
It's not Aemon who answers, but his stupid stewards Chett and Clydas. And I'm pretty sure Chett and Clydas are the fake Duke Cousins who replaced Bo and Luke Duke during Season 5 when John Schneider and Tom Wopat were re-negotating their contracts with CBS.
Clydas: Yee-haw! What are you doing here, Jon Snow? Don't you know that Maester Aemon is asleep at this hour? And worst of all... if Boss Hogg finds out that you're bothering Aemon this late, he'll be mighty angry! You know how he hates you Stark boys because you used to run moonshine!
Jon: Okay, this joke is already old. Wake up Aemon anyway.
They do so. Jon makes a fire for Aemon so that it's warm when he comes out into his living room.
Aemon: Dude, what the fuck? Do you know what hour it is? I was watching "Big Black Dick Deepthroat" videos on RedTube.
Jon: No you weren't. You're blind and you can't see.
Aemon: Okay, you called my bluff. What's up, Jon?
Jon: It's about Samwell Tarley. He's about to get the shit beat out of him now that all the people who looked out for him in the training yard have been promoted to join the Watch for real and take their real jobs. I want Sam to be promoted too so that he can join us.
Aemon: And why the fuck is that my problem? I'm not in charge of that training and promotion shit. That's Alliser Thorne. Take that shit up with him.
Jon: Alliser is a dickface and you know it. All that is going to happen if Sam stays where he is is that he's going to get the shit beat out of him. Probably killed.
Chett: Golly gee! My cousin Daisy Duke says that Sam should stay where he is and Alliser will make a man out of him or he'll die. That or Roscoe P. Coletrane will catch him.
Jon: If Sam's dad couldn't make a fighter out of him in all his years of trying to... why does anyone think Alliser Thorne can? Sam isn't a fighter. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. The Night's Watch isn't just warriors. Not unlike Dungeons and Dragons, the Night's Watch has multiple different "Character Classes." There are the "Rangers" who are the warriors who protect the wall. But there are also the "Builders" who help to upkeep the wall and the "Stewards" who do all the mundane logistics bullshit. Sam doesn't need to learn to be a fighter or warrior. He'll never be a ranger. He should be a steward!
Chett: What? I'm a steward! You're acting like being a steward is easy and that someone as fat as Boss Hogg could do it. Being a steward is tough work. You've got to hunt with your explosive crossbow, farm corn that you can turn into moonshine, gather firewood that you can turn into crosses to burn on lawns because the Confederacy still lives, make clothing like those tight and high bluejean shorts that cover my cousin Daisy's butt cheeks, and smuggle shine across the county line before Enos catches you!
Aemon: Chett makes some good points. Sam Tarley doesn't seem qualified to do anything that a steward does. Can he even hunt?
Jon: No, he thinks killing animals is gross because he thinks animals are his friends. But you know what he CAN do better than anyone else? HELP YOU!
Chett and Clydas get furious. That's their job!
Jon: No, hear me out, Maester Aemon. These rednecks are barely literate and does a Maester really need moonshine experts? You told me once about that chain you wear. How it's made from different metals because you mastered different intellectual skills. Well Sam can read. He loves reading. He's good with numbers. He can do math. And remember how I said he likes animals? Well that means he could help out with the ravens too.
Aemon: Hrm, you raise some good points, Jon Snow. These would be even better points if you raised them with me at 3PM tomorrow rather than in the middle of the fucking night. Now get the fuck out of my apartment so I can go to sleep.
And Ser Alliser walks away because he hates everyone.
The recruits that just got promoted to full-time, for-real Night's Watch status celebrate. The other recruits cheer and are happy for their brothers. Everyone seems happy and they begin a feast in celebration. Everyone except for Jon Fucking Snow because he's a dour, moping, brooding bastard.
Pyp: What is wrong, Jon? You were just told you're a real brother now! You're probably going to be the First Ranger one day just like your uncle Benjen was!
Jon: Uh, you mean like my uncle Benjen IS. Because I'm still in denial about him being dead and refuse to accept it.
Pyp: Oh. Is that why you're acting like there is a pole up your ass?
Jon: Yeah, that and another thing. Everyone who got promoted were the people who looked out for Sam and his fat ass. Now Sam will probably get the shit beat out of him.
Pyp: *shrugs* Whatever, we did all we could do for him.
Jon: No man, this is messed up. I gotta... I gotta ride this shit off and think.
And so Jon gets on a horse and goes riding along the wall by himself, thinking about life and continuing to mope and brood. He thinks about life outside of the Night's Watch and of returning home. Technically he hasn't sworn his vows yet so he can leave. Most assholes in the Night's Watch are criminals who were forced to come here - being given the choice of joining the Watch or being executed. But Jon was the one dumbass who volunteered to come. Because he wasn't a full brother yet and hadn't sworn his vows - he could technically leave at any time and go home.
But where exactly was home? Winterfell was different now. Besides, his bitch-ass stepmom Cat Stark hates him and he's pretty sure he saw her try to poison his food. He could try to go find his REAL mom and live with her... but his dad Ned wouldn't even tell him anything about her. Probably because she was some whore or something. Why else would dad never even talk about her? There was no place for him anywhere but the Wall now.
Jon rides back and knocks on the door of Maester Aemon. Despite the fact that it's past midnight and that old man needs to sleep.
It's not Aemon who answers, but his stupid stewards Chett and Clydas. And I'm pretty sure Chett and Clydas are the fake Duke Cousins who replaced Bo and Luke Duke during Season 5 when John Schneider and Tom Wopat were re-negotating their contracts with CBS.
Clydas: Yee-haw! What are you doing here, Jon Snow? Don't you know that Maester Aemon is asleep at this hour? And worst of all... if Boss Hogg finds out that you're bothering Aemon this late, he'll be mighty angry! You know how he hates you Stark boys because you used to run moonshine!
Jon: Okay, this joke is already old. Wake up Aemon anyway.
They do so. Jon makes a fire for Aemon so that it's warm when he comes out into his living room.
Aemon: Dude, what the fuck? Do you know what hour it is? I was watching "Big Black Dick Deepthroat" videos on RedTube.
Jon: No you weren't. You're blind and you can't see.
Aemon: Okay, you called my bluff. What's up, Jon?
Jon: It's about Samwell Tarley. He's about to get the shit beat out of him now that all the people who looked out for him in the training yard have been promoted to join the Watch for real and take their real jobs. I want Sam to be promoted too so that he can join us.
Aemon: And why the fuck is that my problem? I'm not in charge of that training and promotion shit. That's Alliser Thorne. Take that shit up with him.
Jon: Alliser is a dickface and you know it. All that is going to happen if Sam stays where he is is that he's going to get the shit beat out of him. Probably killed.
Chett: Golly gee! My cousin Daisy Duke says that Sam should stay where he is and Alliser will make a man out of him or he'll die. That or Roscoe P. Coletrane will catch him.
Jon: If Sam's dad couldn't make a fighter out of him in all his years of trying to... why does anyone think Alliser Thorne can? Sam isn't a fighter. And you know what? That's perfectly okay. The Night's Watch isn't just warriors. Not unlike Dungeons and Dragons, the Night's Watch has multiple different "Character Classes." There are the "Rangers" who are the warriors who protect the wall. But there are also the "Builders" who help to upkeep the wall and the "Stewards" who do all the mundane logistics bullshit. Sam doesn't need to learn to be a fighter or warrior. He'll never be a ranger. He should be a steward!
Chett: What? I'm a steward! You're acting like being a steward is easy and that someone as fat as Boss Hogg could do it. Being a steward is tough work. You've got to hunt with your explosive crossbow, farm corn that you can turn into moonshine, gather firewood that you can turn into crosses to burn on lawns because the Confederacy still lives, make clothing like those tight and high bluejean shorts that cover my cousin Daisy's butt cheeks, and smuggle shine across the county line before Enos catches you!
Aemon: Chett makes some good points. Sam Tarley doesn't seem qualified to do anything that a steward does. Can he even hunt?
Jon: No, he thinks killing animals is gross because he thinks animals are his friends. But you know what he CAN do better than anyone else? HELP YOU!
Chett and Clydas get furious. That's their job!
Jon: No, hear me out, Maester Aemon. These rednecks are barely literate and does a Maester really need moonshine experts? You told me once about that chain you wear. How it's made from different metals because you mastered different intellectual skills. Well Sam can read. He loves reading. He's good with numbers. He can do math. And remember how I said he likes animals? Well that means he could help out with the ravens too.
Aemon: Hrm, you raise some good points, Jon Snow. These would be even better points if you raised them with me at 3PM tomorrow rather than in the middle of the fucking night. Now get the fuck out of my apartment so I can go to sleep.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
AGoT 40: Catelyn VII
Dawn (the actual rising of the sun, not the sword) breaks in the Eyrie and Ser Rodrick (feeling much better after rest), comes to Cat with some updates and news.
Rodrick: M'lady. Word is that Jamie Lannister is forming an army at Casterly Rock. Your brother Edmure writes that he has taken control and commanded his lords to guard the Golden Tooth. Edmure declares that should any Lannister army pass into Tully land, the grass will be fertilized with their blood. Which is actually a pretty good fertilizer due to its high nitrogen count.
Cat: What? Edmure? Why is my brother and not my father not commanding the forces of Riverrun? Is father really that sick?
Rodrick: The letter made no mention of Lord Hoster's health, Lady Stark.
Cat: Man, I need to get out of this shit hole fast and deal with real problems. This trial is a farce and Lysa is still in denial that Tyrion totally pulled a fast one on her. I just want to get on a ship and sail back to Winterfell.
Rodrick: Ugh. Another sea voyage? I'm practically barfing just thinking about it.
Cat: Well come on, it's about time for the fight. We might as well get on with it.
Cat and Rodrick head out to meet up with Lysa in her chamber. She has the equivalent of box seats for the fight. But on the way, they run into Cat's uncle, Brynden the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Oh man, I feel like punching Lysa in the face. I asked her to give me some men to help defend the Riverlands. You know, her HOME where she is from. She said no. All to make sure her stupid kid has more men to protect him. Well you know what? I resigned as Knight of the Bloody Gate. I'm going to go home myself and defend it, even without her men.
Cat: Yeah, I agree with you. Dat bitch crazy. But how do you plan on getting to Riverrun? The road there is perilous with clansmen. There are so many clansmen you might think it's Charlottesville, VA. It would be safer for you to just sail back to Winterfell with me. I'll give you the thousand men there.
Blackfish: See? That's why you were always my favorite niece.
They then head together into Lysa's apartment. The apartment has a balcony that overlooks a grassy courtyard with statues. Within that courtyard is where the fight to determine Tyrion Lannister's fate will take place. There they find Lysa and that stupid kid Robert, sitting on a throne in a booster seat and watching some puppets. He is giggling like a twat.
Cat: Dear sister, I beg you not to go through with this. You have nothing to gain by Tyrion's death and everything to lose should he survive.
Lysa: Should he survive? Hahaha, that's nonsense. He's being defended by a common sellsword. I have a knight fighting on my side! The bravest and best knight in all the Vale!
Lyn Corbray: Yes, the Imp's head shall be but on a pike and serve as a warning to all others!
Cat: Who the fuck is Lyn Corbray? That sounds like some alias of Zartan that he'd have in some Cobra Command plot to blow up the Chunnel or something.
Lyn Corbray: I'm a potential suitor for your sister and one of the guys that volunteered to fight Tyrion when I thought I'd be fighting a dwarf rather than of a competent fighter.
Cat: Damn. Jon Arryn's body isn't even cold yet and Lysa already has suitors? Well, good luck, Lyn. It's always a bad idea to put your dick in crazy.
Lysa: Enough! This Imp killed my husband and I shall see him die. There is no talking me out of this fight.
Ser Rodrick pulls Cat aside.
Rodrick: Do you really think Tyrion is guilty?
Cat: Oh, I'm sure a Lannister is guilty. Which one, I don't know.
Rodrick: If Jon was indeed murdered it must have been by poison to make it look natural. Poison is a woman's weapon so it could be her. And dwarves are less than a real man, so they're sort of like women, so it could be the Imp too.
Cat: Wow, sexist and able-ist.
Rodrick: It wasn't Jaime though. That's not his style.
Their conversation is interrupted by young Robery Arryn squealing in delight at the puppet show. When Cat's boys were that age they were already fighting with wooden swords and hunting and shit.
Cat: That child is an undisciplined little bitch. He really should be taken away from Lysa, who coddles him.
Maester Colemon: Sorry, but I was listening in and I couldn't agree more. Jon agreed and said that Robert should be sent off to Dragonstone.
Cat: Uh, I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be Casterly Rock.
Colemon: No, no. I'm certain it was Dragonstone.
At any rate, the fight is about to begin and Tyrion is brought forward.
Robert Arryn: FLY! FLY! Make the little man fly!
Lysa: Soon, my sweet baby. Soon.
Next out come the fighters... Ser Vardis Egen and Bronn
Ser Vardis is clad in head to toe in the finest armor. He has huge kite shield as well as a large sword, specially designed for Lord Jon before his death.
Bronn, on the other hand, is wearing an adidas track suit.
Cat: I can't help but notice though, Bronn is 15 years younger and much taller, giving him better reach. And not only that - but Vardis looks uncomfortable with Jon's sword, this being the first time he's ever wielded it.
Septon: Let us all pray to the gods before this fight and have them render their divine judgment in the outcome of this battle.
Robert: No! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I want to see a fight!
Armorer: Bronn, Ser Vardis has a huge shield. Would you like one too?
Bronn: Nah.
Lysa: Okay, and to begin the fight, I have brought a special guest...
Michael Buffer: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!
Cat: Ugh. Really? Tacky AF. Is this 1996?
The fight begins. Ser Vardis starts attacking. Bronn keeps retreating.
Robert: Oh what the hell? This isn't a fight! That guy is just running away.
Lysa: Yes, he's a coward!
Cat: Actually, it's an incredibly intelligent strategy. Bronn is younger and not heavily armed. Meanwhile, Vardis is an older man wearing like 60 pounds of armor. Bronn is going to wear that old guy out fast. Plus Vayon is wearing a visor on his helmet that blocks about 60% of his view.
Cat is, of course, correct. She is a main character after all. Vardis gives chase to Bronn, going around and around. But Bronn dodges and twirls around the courtyard, using the statues there to protect and block him occasionally. Vardis takes a swing and knocks off a piece of statue.
The fight goes on for a while. So long, in fact, that Cat doesn't even pay attention and instead drifts off to daydream about when Littlefinger challenged Ned's older brother, Brandon Stark, for her hand. Baelish totally lost and got his ass kicked. That was the last time she saw Littlefinger until just recently. And that ass-kicking that Littlefinger got.. that's what Vardis was getting here.
But let's cut to the chase. Bronn is much faster and Vayon can't even see him that well through the visor. One of the statues begins to fall over in the combat and Bronn pushes it on Vardis, pinning him down. Bronn stabs him and the crowd goes silent. Well, except for this one dude.
Tyrion: WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Robert: Wait... what just happened? Do we get to see the little man fly now?
Lysa: Hrm, maybe. I kind of want to execute him anyway.
Tyrion: Oh wow. So much for the "honor" of the Vale, you bitter little cunt.
Everyone turns and stares at Lysa, looking at her with disgust. Some of them nod with Tyrion's words. Lysa knows she's totally fucked and has to let him go.
Lysa: FINE THEN. Imp, you're free! Free to get the hell out of the Vale. You and your sellsword will now be escorted beyond the Bloody Gate and left there to find your way back home.
Tyrion: Wait... what? But that's where all the wild clanspeople live. It would be impossible for Bronn and I to make the journey back to the Kingsroad alive without guards or help. This is a death sentence!
Lysa: Yeah... well... bye, Felicia.
Rodrick: M'lady. Word is that Jamie Lannister is forming an army at Casterly Rock. Your brother Edmure writes that he has taken control and commanded his lords to guard the Golden Tooth. Edmure declares that should any Lannister army pass into Tully land, the grass will be fertilized with their blood. Which is actually a pretty good fertilizer due to its high nitrogen count.
Cat: What? Edmure? Why is my brother and not my father not commanding the forces of Riverrun? Is father really that sick?
Rodrick: The letter made no mention of Lord Hoster's health, Lady Stark.
Cat: Man, I need to get out of this shit hole fast and deal with real problems. This trial is a farce and Lysa is still in denial that Tyrion totally pulled a fast one on her. I just want to get on a ship and sail back to Winterfell.
Rodrick: Ugh. Another sea voyage? I'm practically barfing just thinking about it.
Cat: Well come on, it's about time for the fight. We might as well get on with it.
Cat and Rodrick head out to meet up with Lysa in her chamber. She has the equivalent of box seats for the fight. But on the way, they run into Cat's uncle, Brynden the Blackfish.
Blackfish: Oh man, I feel like punching Lysa in the face. I asked her to give me some men to help defend the Riverlands. You know, her HOME where she is from. She said no. All to make sure her stupid kid has more men to protect him. Well you know what? I resigned as Knight of the Bloody Gate. I'm going to go home myself and defend it, even without her men.
Cat: Yeah, I agree with you. Dat bitch crazy. But how do you plan on getting to Riverrun? The road there is perilous with clansmen. There are so many clansmen you might think it's Charlottesville, VA. It would be safer for you to just sail back to Winterfell with me. I'll give you the thousand men there.
Blackfish: See? That's why you were always my favorite niece.
They then head together into Lysa's apartment. The apartment has a balcony that overlooks a grassy courtyard with statues. Within that courtyard is where the fight to determine Tyrion Lannister's fate will take place. There they find Lysa and that stupid kid Robert, sitting on a throne in a booster seat and watching some puppets. He is giggling like a twat.
Cat: Dear sister, I beg you not to go through with this. You have nothing to gain by Tyrion's death and everything to lose should he survive.
Lysa: Should he survive? Hahaha, that's nonsense. He's being defended by a common sellsword. I have a knight fighting on my side! The bravest and best knight in all the Vale!
Lyn Corbray: Yes, the Imp's head shall be but on a pike and serve as a warning to all others!
Cat: Who the fuck is Lyn Corbray? That sounds like some alias of Zartan that he'd have in some Cobra Command plot to blow up the Chunnel or something.
Lyn Corbray: I'm a potential suitor for your sister and one of the guys that volunteered to fight Tyrion when I thought I'd be fighting a dwarf rather than of a competent fighter.
Cat: Damn. Jon Arryn's body isn't even cold yet and Lysa already has suitors? Well, good luck, Lyn. It's always a bad idea to put your dick in crazy.
Lysa: Enough! This Imp killed my husband and I shall see him die. There is no talking me out of this fight.
Ser Rodrick pulls Cat aside.
Rodrick: Do you really think Tyrion is guilty?
Cat: Oh, I'm sure a Lannister is guilty. Which one, I don't know.
Rodrick: If Jon was indeed murdered it must have been by poison to make it look natural. Poison is a woman's weapon so it could be her. And dwarves are less than a real man, so they're sort of like women, so it could be the Imp too.
Cat: Wow, sexist and able-ist.
Rodrick: It wasn't Jaime though. That's not his style.
Their conversation is interrupted by young Robery Arryn squealing in delight at the puppet show. When Cat's boys were that age they were already fighting with wooden swords and hunting and shit.
Cat: That child is an undisciplined little bitch. He really should be taken away from Lysa, who coddles him.
Maester Colemon: Sorry, but I was listening in and I couldn't agree more. Jon agreed and said that Robert should be sent off to Dragonstone.
Cat: Uh, I'm pretty sure it was supposed to be Casterly Rock.
Colemon: No, no. I'm certain it was Dragonstone.
At any rate, the fight is about to begin and Tyrion is brought forward.
Robert Arryn: FLY! FLY! Make the little man fly!
Lysa: Soon, my sweet baby. Soon.
Next out come the fighters... Ser Vardis Egen and Bronn
Ser Vardis is clad in head to toe in the finest armor. He has huge kite shield as well as a large sword, specially designed for Lord Jon before his death.
Bronn, on the other hand, is wearing an adidas track suit.
Cat: I can't help but notice though, Bronn is 15 years younger and much taller, giving him better reach. And not only that - but Vardis looks uncomfortable with Jon's sword, this being the first time he's ever wielded it.
Septon: Let us all pray to the gods before this fight and have them render their divine judgment in the outcome of this battle.
Robert: No! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! I want to see a fight!
Armorer: Bronn, Ser Vardis has a huge shield. Would you like one too?
Bronn: Nah.
Lysa: Okay, and to begin the fight, I have brought a special guest...
Michael Buffer: Let's get ready to rumble!!!!!!
Cat: Ugh. Really? Tacky AF. Is this 1996?
The fight begins. Ser Vardis starts attacking. Bronn keeps retreating.
Robert: Oh what the hell? This isn't a fight! That guy is just running away.
Lysa: Yes, he's a coward!
Cat: Actually, it's an incredibly intelligent strategy. Bronn is younger and not heavily armed. Meanwhile, Vardis is an older man wearing like 60 pounds of armor. Bronn is going to wear that old guy out fast. Plus Vayon is wearing a visor on his helmet that blocks about 60% of his view.
Cat is, of course, correct. She is a main character after all. Vardis gives chase to Bronn, going around and around. But Bronn dodges and twirls around the courtyard, using the statues there to protect and block him occasionally. Vardis takes a swing and knocks off a piece of statue.
The fight goes on for a while. So long, in fact, that Cat doesn't even pay attention and instead drifts off to daydream about when Littlefinger challenged Ned's older brother, Brandon Stark, for her hand. Baelish totally lost and got his ass kicked. That was the last time she saw Littlefinger until just recently. And that ass-kicking that Littlefinger got.. that's what Vardis was getting here.
But let's cut to the chase. Bronn is much faster and Vayon can't even see him that well through the visor. One of the statues begins to fall over in the combat and Bronn pushes it on Vardis, pinning him down. Bronn stabs him and the crowd goes silent. Well, except for this one dude.
Tyrion: WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Robert: Wait... what just happened? Do we get to see the little man fly now?
Lysa: Hrm, maybe. I kind of want to execute him anyway.
Tyrion: Oh wow. So much for the "honor" of the Vale, you bitter little cunt.
Everyone turns and stares at Lysa, looking at her with disgust. Some of them nod with Tyrion's words. Lysa knows she's totally fucked and has to let him go.
Lysa: FINE THEN. Imp, you're free! Free to get the hell out of the Vale. You and your sellsword will now be escorted beyond the Bloody Gate and left there to find your way back home.
Tyrion: Wait... what? But that's where all the wild clanspeople live. It would be impossible for Bronn and I to make the journey back to the Kingsroad alive without guards or help. This is a death sentence!
Lysa: Yeah... well... bye, Felicia.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
AGoT 39: Eddard X
Ned is under the influence of the milk of the poppy and is tripping balls. But the milk of the poppy also allows Ned to remember the past really, really well. Who needs the damn Three-Eyed Crow to send you to the past when you can just take some poppy?
Vayon Poole: It's about time. You've been asleep six days. King Robert has commanded that you come and see him as soon as you wake up.
Ned: Well, I'm drowsy and weak and I have a broken leg, so I don't think that is going to happen. But if the King wants to come to me...
Vayon: Wow, so you think you're cool enough you can just summon kings to you, huh?
Tower of Joy, Dorne, 15 Years Ago near the end of Robert's Rebellion...
Ned Stark, Howland Reed, Lord Willam Dustin, Ethan Glover, Martyn Cassel (Jory's father), Theo Wull, and Ser Mark Ryswell all ride up to the tower. It is defended by three member of the Kingsguard - Lord Commander Ser Gerold Hightower, Ser Arthur Dayne, and Ser Oswell Whent. These are no ordinary three men. All three are regarded as some of the greatest knights to ever live. Especially Arthur Dayne, known as "the Sword of the Morning," and bearing the mighty and famous ancestral blade - Dawn. It was supposedly forged from the heart of a fallen star. Which really sounds like some kind of Prince-that-was-Promised-related type of prophecy shit.
Ned: Surrender now. I know my sister Lyanna is up in that Tower.
Gerold Hightower: Nah.
Ned: Hey, why exactly are three members of the Kingsguard guarding this random tower in Dorne anyway? Mad King Aerys II is dead, killed by Jaime. His son Rhaegar is dead, killed by Robert. Rhaegar's son Aegon is dead, killed by The Mountain. Why exactly are you guarding this place? Shouldn't a group called the "Kingsguard" only guard the king? There is clearly no king in this tower.
Arthur Dayne: Yeah, you'd think that. Wouldn't you?
Ned: Just bend the knee already. You have no king left to serve. Everyone else has bent the knee.
Dayne: So are we going to fight or what?
They fight. It's seven on three... but the three people are totally kickass. Eventually the only three left standing are Ned, Howland Reed, and Ser Arthur Dayne.
*stab*
Correction - now it's just Ned and Howland. Ned runs up the tower to check on his sister, but in this fever dream we skip the specifics of what happened in the middle between that. Which is a REALLY IMPORTANT part to skip. You know, like maybe Rhaegar and Lyanna being in love and having a child together. A child that was be heir to the Iron Throne and hence legally the King, thus proving the point that the Kingsguard were actually guarding the King.
Lyanna: Promise me, Ned. Promise me!Ned: Oh shit! I'm awake now.
Vayon Poole: It's about time. You've been asleep six days. King Robert has commanded that you come and see him as soon as you wake up.
Ned: Well, I'm drowsy and weak and I have a broken leg, so I don't think that is going to happen. But if the King wants to come to me...
Vayon: Wow, so you think you're cool enough you can just summon kings to you, huh?
Ned: Whatever. Have Jory come in and give me an update on everything that's happened.
Vayon: Uhh... dude, Jory is dead.
Ned: SHIT, that's right! Fuuuuuuuuck. Okay. Have... whoever the new captain of my guard is update me.
And so Vayon brings in Alyn, who is not important enough to even get a last name.
Alyn: So Ned, uh... hey. Some quick updates. Jaime Lannister has fled the city. I've put extra guards around to protect you and your family. Your little girls haven't been allowed to leave here for their safety. The bodies of Jory, Heward, and Wyl have been given to the silent sisters to be taken up to Winterfell, and--
Ned: *SNORE*
Alyn: Damn, this dude wasn't even listening. I get no respect, no respect I tell you!
Ned dreams of Jory's father, Martyn, again dying at the battle at the Tower of Joy. Unlike Jory, Martyn's body was not taken back to Winterfell. Ned ordered the Tower of Joy knocked down and its stones used to mark the graves of the dead from the battle. They were laid to rest right there in Dorne.
The next thing Ned knows, he's being woken up again by Vayon Poole.
Vayon: Hey man, the King is here. Along with the Queen. Wake your ass up.
Ned: Shit, he brought Cersei? This can't be good. Well, let them in and everyone else leave. We have big boy stuff to talk about.
Vayon lets King Robert and Queen Cersei through the door. All the Stark men leave.
Robert: Ned, Ned, Ned. Goddamnit, man. Do you know what your fucking wife has done?
Ned: Yeah, she took Tyrion as a captive. But she's blameless. Everything she does was on behalf of my authority as the Hand. The buck stops here.
Robert: The Hand's job is to KEEP THE PEACE. And yet seven men are dead now because of you.
Cersei: Eight, actually. Another one of my men just died from his wounds.
Robert: Whatever, bitch. Ned, this is horseshit. I order you to have your wife release Tyrion.
Ned: Really? Really? You expect me to do that when Jaime Lannister just BUTCHERED three of my men in my face to chastise me?
Cersei: That's not what happened! Ned and his men were drunk and coming back from a brothel when they attacked my innocent brother. Honest!
Ned: You really going to believe her? You know me better than that, Robert. Ask Littlefinger, he'll tell the truth.
Robert: Well, Littlefinger did say you were coming from a brothel.
Ned: You know what I was doing there, Robert? Visiting YOUR DAUGHTER. You remember, right? You knocked up a 15 year old girl and she had a kid named "Barra."
Robert: What?! BARRA? Really?! I thought that girl would have a little more common sense than that.
Ned: Yes, 15 year old whores are famously renowned for their common sense.
Cersei: How dare you allow this man to speak to you like this, Robert! Can you imagine some dude talking to a Targaryen in the mocking way he's talking to you?
Robert: WHAT? You think I look like the Mad King? I'm nothing like Aerys.
Cersei: Damn right you're nothing like him. He ACTED like a king. If someone had insulted his wife's brothers like Ned has just insulted my brothers, he would have done something about it. Instead you just meekly act like a little bitch. Honestly, I should be the one wearing the crown and you wearing the dress.
Robert won't allow that shit though, and he slaps the hell out of Cersei. She runs out of the room with a black eye.
Cersei: I will wear these wounds like a badge of honor!
Robert: Ugh. You see what this ho does to me, Ned? I can't stand her. Still, I shouldn't have hit her. Beating women is wrong.
Ned: I think with her we can make an exception.
Robert: Hahaha, damn right. Fist bump, bro! And make it explode!
They do so.
Ned: Now, Robert. There is something I must talk to you about. And it's good that Cersei is gone. This is very, very important. It's why I was at the brothel to see your daughter. I've been doing some investigation and I've learned that--
Robert: --UGH... Talking, talking, talking! So boring! All I've heard is talking. Let's talk later, Ned. I was just on my way out of Kings Landing to go hunting. We can wait to talk until when I get back from the hunt.
Ned: Uhm... but you're here right now. I don't see why you can't just let me finish my sentence about this super important thing I need to tell you.
Robert: ENOUGH, Ned! Whatever it is you want to talk to me about, we can talk about when I'm back from this perfectly safe hunting trip that I'm going to go on, surrounded by dozens upon dozens of Lannisters.
Ned: I won't even be here when you're back. Remember I resigned as the Hand of the King? By the time you're back from hunting I'll be on the Kingsroad going home to Winterfell.
Robert: Yeaaaahhhhh... about that...
Robert takes out the Hand of the King badge and throws it back on Ned's lap.
Robert: You are the Hand of the King and I forbid you to leave, by order of myself... the King.
Ned: Why would you want me as your Hand if you won't even listen to my advice?
Robert: Someone had to run the Kingdom when I'm out. And I swear to the gods, if you take that thing off again I will pin it on Jaime Lannister.
Ned: Fair enough. Can you help hand me my little book there though, Robert? And the pen. I can't reach that stuff with my broken leg.
Robert goes over and picks up Ned's CSI Notebook and pen, which had been left on a nearby table. He hands them over, while looking confused. Ned turns to the very last page of the book and begins writing.
Ned: On this last page I leave notes to myself about very important future conversations that will definitely happen FOR SURE. So far there is only one bullet, which reads "Talk to Jon Snow about true identity of his mother," which I promised him that I'd do when I saw him again. Right under it I am now writing bullet two, which reads "Talk with King Robert about my investigations after he gets back safe and alive from hunting trip."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)