ASoS 16: Sansa II

Sansa: Oh hey look, Cersei has commissioned a new, beautiful gown for me because I’ve outgrown my old clothes.

Chris Hansen of “To Catch a Predator”: Just to be clear, GRRM – a dirty old man – by saying "outgrown," is referring to a teenage girl developing breasts here? Just to be clear.

Sansa: That is correct.

Chris Hansen: Hrm.

Sansa: Beyond my new bosoms, I wonder what this gown is supposed to be for. It’s sooooo beautiful. This must be for the upcoming wedding! Cersei must want me to have a nice gown to wear as a guest to Joffrey and Margaery’s wedding. Although it is odd that the gown is white. Shouldn’t the bride’s gown be white? I’m just a guest at the wedding. That doesn’t make sense. Anyway, weird. Cersei is so evil and stuff. Why would she ever do anything kind for me? I think maybe Margaery Tyrell must be behind this somehow. Margaery is the best! I can’t wait until the Tyrells save me and take me away to Highgarden. I’ll be so glad to get out of Kings Landing.

Later, Sansa goes hawking with Margaery.

Sansa: Jewelry! Authentic jewelry for sale! Who wants to buy some totally real jewelry here from my shady stand in the middle of this market? 10 crowns for these authentic diamonds! For you… 8! 8 crowns! A special deal. Limited time only! I’m practically losing money on this deal!

Margaery: No, not hawking like “hawking goods” at a street market. The other type of hawking.

Sansa: Oh. Right. Right. *ahem*… For perturbations of stationary black holes, the change of energy is related to change of area, angular momentum, and electric charge by dE = (k / 8π) dA + ΩdJ + ΦdQ, wherein E is energy, k is the horizon area, J is the angular momentum, Φ is the electrostatic potential, and Q is the electric charge.

Margaery: What? You lost me there.

Sansa: It’s the first law of black hole mechanics, analogous to the laws of thermodynamics.

Margaery: I’m still not following.

Sansa: You know, like Steven Hawking.

Margaery: Ah, I see. No. Wrong “hawking” still. I’m simply referring to us going out and hunting animals with trained hawks. You know. Like falconry and stuff.

Sansa: Oh. Gross. Does using birds of prey to kill baby animals really seem like something that my character would be interested in doing?

Margaery: I suppose not, my dear sister.

Sansa: OMG, you called me SISTER! You’re the best, Margaery! I wish you were my real sister instead of Arya. I’m so lucky to have a friend like you now. I beg you not to marry Joffrey! He’s a cruel monster! He’ll beat you!

Margaery: Oh, don’t worry, Sansa. My brother, Loras, will be a member of the Kingsguard. My father insisted on it. He’ll always be close by to protect me.

Sansa: Hrm. Good point. Loras is a skilled fighter and Joffrey is a punk bitch. Loras would kick his ass.  He might even become the SECOND Kingslayer if Joffrey steps out of line,

Margaery: Okay, that’s taking it a bit far.

Later that night, Sansa goes to the godswood and finds Ser Dontos.

Sansa: Oh, hey drunk clown guy who shoots off a super rape-ey vibe. Remember your plan to sneak me out of King’s Landing after Joffrey’s wedding? Well, I don’t need it anymore. The Tyrells got me hooked up. I’m going to marry Willas Tyrell and then I’ll move to Highgarden. So I don’t need you.

Dontos: WHAT?! NOOOO! You can’t do it! The Tyrells can’t be trusted! They are just Lannisters with flowers.

Sansa: Says an alcoholic clown.

Dontos: You must go through with our plan to sneak you out at the Wedding! The Tyrells don’t care about you. All they care about is your claim to Winterfell.

Dontos grabs onto her and tries to hold her. She breaks free from him and backs away.

Sansa: Well, YEAH. I’m a female in a medieval society. That’s pretty much a given.

Sansa heads back to her room and goes to bed. She knows Dontos is full of crap. Besides… Robb is the King of Winterfell. There is no way that the Tyrells could claim it through her. 

Sansa imagines life with Willas. Maybe she’ll actually grow to love him. Probably not. But maybe he looks enough like his brother Loras that she could pretend it was him. Yeah. She can just close her eyes during sex and imagine. That will work, right?

ASoS 15: Jon II

Jon is taking a look at Mance Rayder's giant army. It's pretty big. Much bigger than the Night's Watch had suspected. And it includes wooly mammoths and a bunch of giants who ride them. 

Jon looks at Ghost, who is a magical legendary giant beast. Even Ghost seems to be unnerved by these other magical, legendary, giant beasts. 

Jon: Giants. Why that reminds me of the old song about Joramun blowing the Horn of Winter to wake giants from the earth. Weird. Why do I keep talking about horns? Like that horn that I gave to Sam.

Tormund: HAHAHA! Hey you! Yeah, you! Giant!

Mag Mar Tun Doh Weg: Who, me?

Tormund: Yeah, you! FUCK YOU! Stupid giant.

Jon: Wow. That's pretty messed up. Why would you just insult a giant like that for no reason.

Tormund: Because it's sort of funny to do. I'm pretty much just a comic relief character.

Jon: One of your nicknames is Giantsbane. Is it true you killed a giant?

Tormund: Oh well, about that... I cut open this giant's stomach and I lived inside of it to keep warm.

Jon: It sound suspiciously like you're stealing that story from Empire Strikes Back.

Tormund: No. It's a legit story. And I once fucked a bear too.

Jon: Yeah. You keep telling everyone the "I fucked a bear" story. I'm not sure we want to hear that.

Tormund: Boo.

Jon: Soo...uhm... you also have a nickname that is "Horn Blower." Does that have anything to do with the Horn of Joramun?

Tormund: Why do you ask? Perhaps you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall?

Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...

Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.

Jon: *whew* That was a close one.

Tormund: Hey, speaking of sticking your penis in things... is it true that you Night's Watch boys are all castrated when you join and have no dicks?

Jon: What? NO!!! We just make a vow to not have sex. They don't actually cut anything off.

Tormund: Ah, then why so you keep avoiding Ygritte?

Jon: I'm not avoiding her.

Tormund: Oh please. She's not even being subtle about how much she can't wait to "get six inches of snow." If you know what I mean.

Jon: Old joke. Everyone makes that.

Tormund: The girl is cute enough. And she wants you. Bad. Why won't you have sex with her? Is it because you're some sort of Night's Watch sleeper agent sent here to spy on us and only PRETEND to be our ally so that you could learn more about Mance's plans and specifically if we have any plan to use the Horn of Joramun to bring down the Wall? And because you're still a sworn member of the Night's Watch you're unable to break your oath to not have sex? Therefore you continue to avoid Ygritte's advanced in order to keep your vow?

Jon: WHAT?! NO! NO! OF COURSE NOT! I... uhm... ermm... I mean I...

Tormund: Hahahaha, just fucking with you, kid.

Jon: *whew* That was a close one. Again.

Tormund: Then what's the reason?

Jon: Well, you know. I'm a bastard. And it sucked growing up as a bastard. I don't want to make any more bastards and have them have just as miserable a life as me.

Tormund: What does bastard mean?

Jon: It's a child born out of wedlock. You know, unmarried parents.

Tormund: Oh. Well the concept of marriage doesn't exactly exist north of the Wall like it does south. So we don't really care about that type of stuff. So there is no shame up here.

Jon then goes all reflective. Sure these guys are "savages" but their way of life actually seems pretty cool and noble. Jon regrets the fact that he might have to assassinate Mance. Mance is the only one holding all these disparate tribes of the Wildlings together. If he dies, this army will likely fall apart without a leader.  Jon knows Mormont might also be planning to strike, despite being wildly outnumbered.

Later that night, everyone is sitting around at camp and Ygritte is singing a very subtle song. 

Ygritte: Oh I love Jon Snow and I want him to put his penis in me. Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me Jon Snow.

Jon: Hrm, I wonder what this very subtle song is about.

Out of nowhere then, an eagle attacks Jon. 

Eagle: Ca-CAW! [Translation: I HATE YOU, JON SNOW!]

Jon: OW! WHAT THE FUCK?!

Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, hilarious. You know when you killed that warg Orell, right? But you killed him when he was warging into this Eagle's body. So now Orell is trapped inside the Eagle forever. And the eagle fucking hates you, man.

Ygritte beats the eagle off. 

Jon: Thanks Ygritte.

Ygritte: Oh, that's not the only thing I plan on beating off.

Jon: Huh? I don't follow.

Ygritte: You know nothing, Jon S--

Rattleshirt: --SNOW! Mance wants to see you.

Jon: OHTHANKGOD.

Jon gets up and follows Rattleshirt to get away from Ygritte. He's not sure how much longer he can keep his vows with Ygritte's sexy redhead self always sexually harassing him. 

Rattleshirt takes Jon to a familiar place. The Fist of the First Men. This is the last place Jon camped at with the Night's Watch before being sent out with the Halfhand on his espionage mission.  Jon sees dead bodies everywhere. His brothers of the Night's Watch. Horses. Something horrible happened here.

Jon: Oh shit. I wonder if Sam is okay. The rest of them? Meh.

Mance is there, waiting for him. 

Mance: Well, well, well Jon Snow. You said you were just a small party scouting here. And yet I find a camp set up for AN ENTIRE FUCKING ARMY. You fucking liar. I ought to kill you right now.

Rattleshirt: Oh yes. Please, please, PLEASE do that. I hate this guy.

Mance: So tell me. How many of you were there?

Jon knows that he might just die if he doesn't tell the truth. So he does. 

Jon: 300 of us.

Mance: And who led them?

Jon: Jorah Mormont.

Mance: What? Really? The old man himself?

Jon: Yes. He left Bowen Marsh in charge at Castle Black.

Mance: Hahaha. Sweet. Marsh is a fucking worthless idiot. The crows probably did us a favor by marching on us. Or TRYING TO. They woke up the dead. And there is no defense when the dead walk. Now look at this place. The Wights killed Mormont and his army. Or at least most of it, from the looks of things. And the Wall is now defended by a stupid moron who couldn't lead androids to a picnic.

Jon: I think it's ants, but--

Mance: Varamyr... find out where the Wights have gotten to. Rattleshirt... double the patrols.

Rattleshirt: This Jon Snow kid was lying to us though, Mance. We should kill him. He's still one of those Crows!

Ygritte then jumps in front of Jon. 

Ygritte: No way. He's not loyal to the Crows. He's given up his vows. I know it! You know how brothers of the Night's Watch aren't supposed to have sex, right? Well he and I have TONS of sex. Like all the time. Oral. Anal. 69. Doggy style. Cowgirl. Reverse cowgirl. The python. The crouching tiger. The snowdrop. The screwdriver. The spread eagle. The hook. The hucklebuck. The Doogie Howser. The Cleopatra. The blue elephant. The brown windmill. The Atlanta overpass. The angry dolphin. The two-buck chuck. The sandy seashell. The inverted tilt-o-whirl. The Bud Lite Lime. The Bob Backlund crossface chicken wing. The--

Mance: --How many of those are you just making right now versus being real sex positions?

Ygritte: Oh, they're all real. And I've done them all with Jon Snow. Which proves that he's left them Crows and joined us.

Mance: Is this true, Jon?

Jon: Uhh... yes.

Mance: Well, then I'll afford you one LAST chance to prove yourself. Go with Styr and Jarl in a scouting expedition beyond the Wall.

Styr: What? No!

Jarl: Yeah, forget that. Jon Snow sucks.

Mance: Well, to get across the Wall... and then when he's on the other side of it... he'll likely have to KILL his brothers of the Night's Watch and the local townspeople. If he does so, we'll know he's true.  Deeds are truer than words. If he doesn't... well... then you KILL HIM.

Jon: *GULP*

Mance then leaves. Rattleshirt looks at Jon in disgust. 

Rattleshirt: Mance might be fooled by you... but I'm not! I should kill you right now!

Ygritte: I wouldn't do that if I were you. Look behind you.

Rattleshirt turns around and sees Ghost. 

Ghost: *growl* [Translation: *growl*]

Rattleshirt: You win this round, Jon Snow. But Jarl and Styr will sort you out for the traitor you are.

Rattleshirt then leaves. Now it's just Jon and Ygritte. 

Jon: Thanks for lying for me about the sex, Ygritte. You saved my life.

Ygritte: Oh, I wasn't lying about the sex. I just didn't say WHEN we had the sex.

Jon: Huh?

Ygritte: Like Mance said, deeds are truer than words. Now take those fucking pants off.

Jon: I feel like I should join the #metoo movement.

ASoS 14: Catelyn II

Cat is still locked up in her father, Hoster's, chambers. Like she should be for that dumb shit plan of letting Jaime Lannister go. 

She hears a lot of commotion and looks outside the window. It is the army of her son - Robb Stark, the King in the North - returning to Riverrun. 

Cat: Horray! My son will definitely forgive me for the dumb shit I've done. Now, instead of progressing the story forward, I will flashback to events that happened previously on the day my brother came back.

And so Cat does that. She remembers about 40 men, including Perwyn Frey, storming out of Riverrun and trampling Robb's flag as they did so. Crazy. Right? 

After this flashback, which I'm sure will be totally relevant for upcoming plot purposes, Cat is summoned down to the Great Hall to meet with her son and King. 

Robb shows up with a big ol' beard. It's been months since she's seen him... but it seems like years. Robb looks like a grown man now.  Robb is also surrounded by a bunch of new people that she doesn't recognize. 

Blackfish: Cat! How are things? I missed you!

He goes down and hugs Cat. Everyone looks around at each other, since this is some sort of huge breach of protocol. Especially for a woman who is pretty much a prisoner now.

Blackfish: Fuck all of you and your protocol. I can do what I like. I'm the fucking Blackfish.

They all nod in agreement, that is correct.

Robb: Okay, mother. We need to talk. I understand why you did what you did. Because your dainty, inferior, womanly heart. You thought what you did would help save my sisters. I get it. But it was still stupid.

Lord Rickard Karstark: This woman has robbed me of my vengeance! Jaime Lannister killed my sons!

Cat: Your sons were already dead while my daughters are still alive. They have a chance!

Karstark: Lannister played you for a fool. And worse than a fool... you are a traitor!

Robb: Okay, that's enough of that shit, Karstark. It's one thing for me to chastise her, but it's another for one of my men WHO SERVES ME to call my mom a traitor.  Mom, I know what you did was for love. And it's... um... okay... to... ermm... sometimes... make... mistakes. Because of love. You know. So I forgive you.

Cat: Wow. I thought you'd be a lot harsher with me than that. I got off pretty easy. Strange. Almost as if you made some sort of love-related mistake yourself that was completely fucking stupid and therefore you find yourself less able to chastise and judge me.

Robb: Yeah. About thaaaaaaaat. Okay, I dismiss everyone in this court. Everybody leave. EVERYBODY LEAVE! Except family.

And so everyone else other than close family leaves. Some of the people that Cat didn't recognize stay though. 

Cat: Why are those people staying? You said everyone except for family leave. And where the hell is Grey Wind? You never go anywhere without Grey Wind!

Robb: Ah, yes. Well. This is Lady Sybell, wife of Lord Gawen Westerling of the Crag. I captured him in the Whispering Wood. The young knight is Sybell's son, Raynald. The other knight is Ser Rolph Spicer. And the last lady is... uhm... ermmm... Lord Gawen and Sybell's daughter, Jeyne Westerling. Whoisalsomywife. 

Cat: I'm sorry. What was that? I didn't catch that last part. But as you tell me, please allow me to have this giant gulp of refreshing Pepsi.

Robb: This is Jeyne Westerling, who is also my wife.

Cat: *giant comedy spit take* OH SHIT. YOU WENT DONE AND FUCKED UP.

Robb: No. Mom. Stop. You have to forgive me. I set you up in that forgiveness trap earlier. I forgave you for the dumb shit you did "for love." That means now you have to forgive me.

Cat: True. Fuck you're clever, son.

Jeyne: I promise to be a good wife and queen to King Robb! I love him very much.

Cat: Well, I can tell from those wide, sexy hips that you should be good at making babies. So at least you got that going for you.

Robb: MOM!!! Okay. Now everyone else is dismissed too. I need to talk with my mother, Edmure and the Blackfish in private.

And so the Westerlings go as well.

Cat: DAFUQ son? Isn't Lord Gawen sworn to Tywin Lannister?

Robb: Well, you know. Probably not anymore. What with me making his daughter the Queen of the North. Of course I'll have to free him now.

Cat: And... uhm... THE FREYS, SON. WHAT ABOUT THE FREYS? We needed them and surely this act has lost them! You were supposed to marry one of their daughters. You promised!

Robb: I know, I know. Look, I was wounded taking the Crag. And Jeyne helped nurse me back to health.

Cat: Oh, so she's a nurse? That's cool.

Robb: Not really.

Cat: Oh. Well in the show she's a nurse. What is she in the books?

Robb: Bland, nondescript and underdeveloped. But that's besides the point. When she was "nursing" me back to health... well... you know...

Cat: You hit that?

Robb: Yep.

Cat: And then you decided to MARRY the first woman you ever had sex with?

Robb: It would have been dishonorable not to!

Cat: Damnit, son. You are such a fuck up sometimes.

Robb: HEY LOOK. I was going through some emotional shit, mom. I had just gotten the raven that said Bran and Rickon had been murdered that day. I was sad. Jeyne was there for me. And come on. Those hips though.

Cat: True.

Robb: *sigh* I know it was dumb. Sometimes it feels like winning battles is the ONLY part of being king that I'm good at. All this politics and marriage alliance stuff is hard. 

Cat: Robb, I don't know how you're going to be able to make up for this. You haven't just insulted the Freys, you have GREVIOUSLY insulted them. You know how Walder Frey is already super dick-ish about his house never getting any respect. And for you to marry the daugthter of a lesser house instead of his?

Robb: Yeah. Maybe we can make some sort of other marriage alliance to make up for this.

Cat: Walder wanted to be grandfather to a king! No matter what other deal he gets, it won't be as good as you. I made a deal with him and you went back on it. Also, you never answered my question from earlier. Where the hell is Grey Wind?

Robb: Oh, I don't keep him around anymore. Jeyne is scared of him.

Cat: WHAT THE HELL?! That direwolf is your protector! He helped you in all those battles. He was always by your side. He's not just a pet, Robb. He's part of you. All of the direwolves were meant to be. Five direwolves found for the five Stark children. It was fate! Just think of the one that was with Bran! He had magical direwolf powers and sensed when Bran was in danger. He protected Bran when that catspaw killer was in the room.  Grey Wind is the same for you.

Robb: Six, mom.

Cat: Huh?

Robb: There were six wolves, not five. And six children. You're forgetting about Jon Snow and his direwolf too.

Cat: Ah yeah, well fuck that kid and his stupid fucking wolf.

Robb: Wow mom. Just wow. You're a pretty horrible stepmom.

Cat: My point is, the wolves were sent by the heavens to watch over you children. You must keep them by your sides!

Robb: Well, I USED to believe that. But a fat lot of good Summer and Shaggydog did protecting Bran and Rickon. They're dead now.


Then the Blackfish and Edmure suddenly remebered that they are still part of this scene and Robb hasn't dismissed them. 

Edmure: Oh shit. We're still here. Were we supposed to be doing anything?

Robb: Yeah. You're still here because me and Blackfish are about to ream your asshole out for disobeying my fucking orders.

Edmure: WHAT?!

Blackfish: The King told you to stay at Riverrun. And yet your ill-advised raids against Tywin's army fucked all of our plans up.

Edmure: Ill-advised? My raids were succesful! I messed up Tywin's armies!

Blackfish: BUT YOU WEREN'T SUPPOSED TO. Your raids delayed Tywin's army. And delaying his army allowed him to receive news of Stannis's attack on King's Landing. That caused Tywin to change his plans, meet up with the Tyrells, and march on King's Landing.  They took Stannis in the rear and--

Robb: --Hehehe. "Took Stannis in the rear."

Cat: SON! Stop that! You're supposed to act kingly!

Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know I am the king. But I'm also still a teenager.

Blackfish: ANYWAY. The whole thing fucked up Robb's plan to trap Tywin in he west. And it ALSO prevented Stannis from defeating Joffrey like he would have. So pretty much YOU FUCKED EVERYTHING UP.

Edmure: Oh. Uhmm. Oops?

Blackfish: Oops? OOPS? Is that really all you have to say?

Edmure: And... uhm... sorry?

Cat: Whatever. Lannisters, Tyrells. All of that shit has to wait. We have a bigger problem right now. The Greyjoys! So long as Theon Greyjoy holds Winterfell my son, your own claim as King of the North seems like a farce. If you can't protect your own home - how do you mean to claim a kingdom?

Robb: Yeah, I know. We've got to do something to get Winterfell back!

Cat: And you know what stands between us and Winterfell? The Twins and Lord Frey.

Robb: Yes. We need to find some way to get Walder Frey back on our side.

Cat: Not some way, son. Some ONE.

Robb: Cryptic much, mom? 

ASoS 13: Arya II

Arya, Hot Pie and Gendry leave the safety of the woods and go to collect vegetables from an abandoned garden near the river.

Gendry: I dunno. It seems a little dangerous going out in the open like this. What if we get caught?

Arya: Please, what are the chances of that happening?

Someone walks by, singing. 

Singer: You gotta make a big impression, oh yeah. Gotta like what you do. I'm a genie in a bottle, baby. Gotta rub me the right way, honey.

Arya: Well at least it's better than Mandy Moore.

Hot Pie: SHHHH!!!

Gendry: Yeah. Be quiet, Arya. We need to hide in this old, crumbling brick wall so we aren't seen or heard.

Singer: I can see you and hear you.

Arya: DAMNIT!

Arya jumps out from behind the old wall with her sword. But instead of seeing just one person, she sees three - the singer, an archer, and a solider dude with a big, lemon-colored cloak. 

Arya: I will kill you all.

The three start laughing. 

Arya: What? WHAT? I totally could.

Singer: Oh, little girl. Don't be crazy. Put down the sword, and we'll take you and your companions some place safe.

Hot Pie and Gendry, knowing they've been caught too, stand up and join Arya. 

Singer: Where did you steal those horses from?

Arya: We didn't steal them. They're ours.

Singer: Suuuuure. Whatever. I've been rude. Let me introduce myself. My name is Tom Sevenstreams. But you can call me Tom SevenSTRINGS because I'm such a great musician. Or just Tom o' Sevens.

Arya: I highly doubt I will call you anything other than "Tom." 

Archer: And I'm Anguy.

Arya: You're a guy?

Anguy: No. ANGUY.

Arya: It's "a guy." You don't add the indefinite article of "n" after "a" when you're introducing a word that begins with a consonant. You only do that with vowels. For the most part. There are some exceptions. Like when something starts with a consonant but sounds like its a vowel. Like "hour." You'd say, "I'll meet you in an hour" rather than "a hour" because hour sounds like--

Anguy: --No. ANGUY. No space in the middle. I'm not saying I'm "a guy," but "Anguy."

Arya: That's stupid. There is no way anyone could have a stupider name than you. For instance, that guy with the lemon-colored cloak there. What's your name?

Guy with Lemon-Colored Cloak: My name is Lem Lemoncloak.

Arya: I stand corrected.

Hot Pie: I'm Hot Pie!

Gendry: STUPID! Don't tell them your real name. Tell them a fake name. Like... uhh... I'm "The Bull."

Hot Pie: Oh yeah, like "Hot Pie" is my real birth name.

Arya: And my name is "Squab."

Lem: Well, based on the fact that you're wearing a tunic with Lord Bolton's sigil, I'm going to assume you all stole your horses and clothes from Lord Bolton. Which means you were prisoners of Bolton. Which means you must be Lannisters.

Arya: No way! We don't belong to any faction. Who do YOU belong to?

Anguy: We serve the king!

Arya: Yeah, but which one, dipshit? The entire last novel was called "A Clash of Kings" because there were five of them.

Anguy: We serve King Robert.

Arya: Well that's stupid because he's dead. Also, you guys don't look like you serve any king. You sort of look like a bunch of rapscallion outlaws and highwaymen that go around robbing people.

The Three Guys: *shifty eyes*

Hot Pie: We're going to Riverrun.

Arya: JESUS CHRIST, HOT PIE! WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP AND STOP TELLING THEM EVERYTHING?!

Tom: You guys should come with us, back to our inn.

Arya: No thanks, we'll go on our own way. You three can fuck off.

Anguy pulls out his bow, nocks the arrow, draws the string, and points it at them. 

Arya: You know, on second thought... going to an inn actually sounds pretty cool. Yeah, let's do that.

And so they follow the three back to the inn. Along the way...

Tom: Hey, can any of you three sing?

Hot Pie: Sure. Check this out.

Hot Pie starts immediately belting out the Diva Plavalaguna Opera song from "The Fifth Element." He hits all the high notes. Perfectly. Everyone's eyes fill with tears.

Arya: Holy shit. That was beautiful, Hot Pie. How the hell is it that you can sing?

Hot Pie: *shrugs*

They get to the inn where they see a boat tied up. A boat that looks suspiciously familiar to one mentioned, oh, I don't know, just a two chapters ago. The inn is suspiciously familiar too, as it has a kneeling man on the sign.

Woman: Found some strays, huh?

Lem: Yes we did, Sharna. 

Arya: Sweet boat there, lady. Can I take it to Riverrun?

Gendry: No way. The water is too dangerous. We should stay on the horses.

Sharna: What you kids need to do is come inside and have some rabbit and ale.

Hot Pie: YES! FOOOOOOOOOD!

Arya: Well, I'm not sure you should be giving ale to children, but whatever. Things were different in medieval times.

They all go inside. Except for Gendry. Gendry stays outside for convenient plot purposes. Inside, the rest of them find another man as they eat the rabbit.

Husband: It's me!

Arya: Geez. This character still doesn't have a name? He's just going to be called "Husband" forever?

Sharna: I still can't believe you gave away those horses to those three people, Husband. LAME.

Husband: Well, I couldn't defeat those three on my own. One of those guys was clearly a skilled knight and the other was this lady who was GIANT. I gave those three directions to go down the road where they'd be ambushed by Lem, Anguy and Tom. It's not my fault. We would have had those horses back. Are you sure your three men weren't the ones who fucked up and missed them?

Lem: HEY! We're right here.

Husband: At least we got these good gold dragons out of the deal.

Tom: Speaking of those gold dragons, I'd like to use them to buy your horses, Squab.

Husband: No way, I already spent those gold dragons on some NASCAR tickets.

Tom: Okay, never mind then. Squab, I'll still pay you three dragons. But it will be an I.O.U.  I'll give you a piece of paper that says I owe you three gold dragons. Then after the war, you can turn it in to me and I'll give you the coins.

Arya: Hahaha... PAPER CURRENCY?! It will never work, you idiot. I'm not falling for that scam. Although since you're all a bunch of fucking bandits, I feel like you're just going to steal the horses anyway. So can I at least have that boat from you as a trade?

Gendry then runs inside. 

Gendry: GUYS! GUYS! There are a dozen soldiers approaching! EVERYBODY PANIC!

Tom: Meh.

Gendry: What do you mean "Meh?!" SOLDIERS!!!!

But the rest of the inn residents look unperturbed as well. 

Sharna: You have no need to worry. You're with King's Men now.

Arya: Oh, not this shit again. I bet you're all Clegane's men. Fuck this.

Arya reaches for her sword and starts to pull it out. But Lem grabs her arm and twists it. 

Arya: OW! Asshole! I can't believe you'd hurt a girl like that.

Lem: Well, I mean you were going to stab us. So really, it's sort of self-defense.

Arya grabs a tankard of ale and smashes it into Lem's face. She makes a break for it, but is quickly caught.

The soldiers from outside enter the inn.

Lead Soldier: Okay, just what the hell is going on here?

Arya: Wait... Harwin?

Harwin, son of Hullen (the Master of Horses of Winterfell): Oh shit. Arya Fucking Stark of Winterfell and daughter to Ned Stark?

Everyone around gasps upon the realization of who Arya is. 

Gendry: HOLY SHIT. ARYA STARK? YOUR NAME IS STARK?!

Harwin: Lem, let that girl go.

Lem: Aww. Damnit. She smashed me in the face with a tankard. She broke my fucking nose.

Tom: If anything, it just makes your ugly face look better.

Arya: Hey Harwin. I have this odd feeling that the last time I saw your father, Hullen, as he lay dying, he told me to tell you something. But I can't remember. It was, like, two fucking books ago. I've gone through some shit since then.

Harwin: Yeah, so have I. I've joined the Brotherhood without Banners.

Arya: Oh right. Nevermind. That was it. I remember now. He told me to tell you NOT to do that.

Harwin: Ah. Well. Too late.

ASoS 12: Tyrion II

Tyrion sneaks up on Varys in his bedchambers. 

Varys: Eww, gross. Just what direction is this chapter going in?

Tyrion: Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm just reversing things on you. You know how you usually appear out of nowhere and surpise me. Now I'm flipping it.  By the way. You haven't been doing that a lot recently. Guess even though I'm not really dead... now that I'm not the Hand of the King you don't even bother talking, huh? You can no longer use me to achieve whatever shitty scheming you're up to.

Varys: I'm deeply offended. You know I'm a dear friend. I was just keeping my distance since you were so close to death after that battle. I didn't want to bother or annoy you while you were recovering. Also your face is really fucked up now and I hate looking at it.

Tyrion: So I hear Pycelle is back on the Council.

Varys: Yep. Lord Tywin did that so to avoid them putting some Tyrell-loyal maester on there. My spies listen to the whispers, even at the archmaesters' conclave in Oldtown.  And speaking of fired  people that the new leadership brought back - Ser Boros Blount has also been given his job back in the Kingsguard.

Tyrion: Well, that wasn't me who fired him. That was Cersei. But yeah, she made the right decision. That guy was an asshat. But while we're on the subject of the Kingsguard... I'd like to talk about Mandy Moore.

Varys: Ugh. Really? Could we not. As previously stated every other time this was brought up... Mandy Moore is a red herring. GRRM will never bother to resolve this plotline or explain why he tried to kill you. I know it's unsatisfying, but it is how it is.

Tyrion: Damn. Geez. I was just saying.

Varys: Say something else then. So you have a better reason for coming here? I'm sure you didn't really want to talk about Mandy Moore.

Tyrion: Actually, you're right. I want to talk about Shae. I need you to bring me to her.

Varys: Are you sure that's a good idea? Didn't your last chapter specifically end with a threat from your father that he would kill the next whore you were in bed with?

Tyrion: Yes, but I want one last pop before I send her away forever. And by "pop" I mean--

Varys: --Oh, I get it. Just because I had my privates removed by a wizard doesn't mean I don't know what you're talking about.  I suppose there is one way I could arrange it which should be pretty safe and undetected. It would have to be in my bedchambers though.

Tyrion: On the one hand, that makes a lot of sense. You know, what with you being the spymaster and all the secret passages throughout the Red Keep likely leading to your room. On the other hand, eww... have sex in your bed?

Varys: What. It's not like I'n going to sniff the sheets afterwards or anything. Or will I?

Tyrion: Now I'll never get that image out of my head.

Varys: Look, you need to do this discreetly. Cersei's spies are watching everwhere. Those Kettleblacks are loyal to her.

Tyrion: Yeah, what the hell? I was bribing them too. Why aren't they on my side?

Varys: Cersei is totally hinting at Osmund Kettleblack that he's going to get some pussy if he obeys her. And he's falling for it. But there are plenty of others in addition to the Kettleblacks that would sell you out.

Tyrion: Yeah. I'm sure my dad has ordered someone to spy on me too, seperate from Cersei's orders.

Varys: Indeed he has. Me.

Tyrion: Oh, wow. Interesting. You know, you're not a very good spy if you tell people that.


Varys: *shrugs* Whatever. Say, if you're going to do this Shae thing... you better get freshened up. Go back to your room, take a shower, maybe see if there is anything you can do about your goddamn, hideous, wounded face that looks like a nightmare.

Tyrion: Ouch. But good point.

And so Tyrion goes to do that. He puts on one of those sets of glasses with the fake nose and Groucho Marx mustache. That way he'll have a nose, right!?

Now all clean, Tyrion heads back to Varys's room. Along the way, he runs into Ser Balon Swann and Ser Lorad Tyrell. 

Tyrion: Loras... I always meant to ask why such a handsome, young man like you would take up knighthood. You're giving up your title, lands, and hopes of marriage to a beautiful young woman.

Loras: Hahahahahaha. Good one, Tyrion.

Tyrion: What are you laughing at?

Loras: Oh wait... you're being serious? Let me laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Tyrion gets back to Varys' chamber to find Varys dressed as a woman. 

Tyrion: *vomits everywhere*

Varys: Hey, I don't look that bad.

Shae is there too. She's not dressed as a woman. She's ass naked. 

Shae: Hi Tyrion!

Tyrion: Get the fuck out of here, Varys. And I better not here any secret doors opening up while I'm in the middle of taking care of business.

Varys leaves. 

Tyrion: Oh Shae, I've missed you so much.

Shae: There is no need to wear that fake nose with those glasses. I just want to see your face for how it really loo--

She takes his glasses/fake nose off and sees his wounds from the battle. 

Shae: Oh second thought. Leave it on.

They have sex.

Tyrion: Okay, Shae. I have something important to tell you. This needs to be the last time ever that we--

Shae: --Oh hey. I'm invited to the King's wedding, right? That will be so much fun to go to. I want to wear all my pretty clothes and jewels again. Not these maid clothes for Lady Tanda. Everyone is going to be there at the wedding. It's going to be bigger than Harry and Meghan! Even that singer, Symon Silver Tongue, is going to be there. You know, the one who has previously caught us with each other before and knows of our secret?

Tyrion: Interesting that such a minor character from an entire book ago would be mentioned again like that. But okay. Look, what I'm trying to say is that this is a terrible idea. You shouldn't go. Why would Lady Tanda's maid me on the wedding guest list? Also, I need to tell you something important! This is the last time that we can ever--

Shae: --Want more sex now?

They have more sex, Shae distracting him from telling her that they're going to break up. Which means that they don't break up. If ending your relationship with a hooker even counts as "breaking up," which it doesn't.

Having never told Shae, Tyrion goes back to his room. 

Tyrion: Oh, hey Bronn. Where have you been?

Bronn: Having sex with this prostitute named Alayaya. She's so hot. She has all these whip marks on her back though. That angers me a lot. If only I knew who was to blame for it. Like some guy who put this girl in the middle of some convoluted plot that involved her getting whipped and tortured for no reason.

Tyrion: Fuck you, Bronn. I need you to do something for me.

Bronn: Okay.

Tyrion: Track down a singer named "Symon Silver Tongue."

Bronn: And kill him?

Tyrion: WHAT?! You're jumping a little bit ahead here.

ASoS 11: Jaime II

The awesome boat ride of Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, and Ser Cleos Frey continues. 

Jaime: Hey look, there is an inn over there on the side of the river. Let's pull over and stop. I could use a meal.


Brienne: Well, I'd usually say no to anything you suggest to be contrarian. But I guess investigating it doesn't seem like a terrible idea.

And so they paddle the boat over and pull ashore.  As they approach, they see a sign on the side of the tavern.  The sign is a picture of the last King of the North, Torrhen Stark, kneeling to Aegon the Conqueror. 

Jaime: Hahaha! Symbolism! I love it!

Cleos: Ah, the Inn of the Kneeling Man. 

Brienne: Wait... how do you know the name of this place? The sign doesn't have any words on it anywhere. It's just that picture.

Cleos: Well, you see in medieval societies most people were illiterate. So instead of having words written on a sign, they had pictures. This is a picture of a Kneeling Man. So that's the name of the inn. That's why so many pubs and inns have simple names like the "Queen's Arms" or the "White Hart." So they could be easily identified.

Brienne: Gee, thanks. Very educational.

Kid with Crossbow: HEY YOU! HOLD THOSE HANDS UP!

Startled by the sudden appearance of this kid, they hold their hands up. 

Kid: Who are you? Lion, fish, or wolf?

Brienne: We have come from Riverrun. We are here to buy food and drink.

A man then comes around the corner from the inn. 

Father: "Buy" you say? So you got money?

Jaime: Wait... your name is "Father?"

Father: Yes.

Jaime: That sounds like a suspiciously fake name.

Father: What of it?

Jaime: Nothing. I'm just saying. And if you're "Father," then where is "Mother?"

Father: Away.

Brienne: I was asking about food. 

Father: I got some stringy horse meat and stale oatcakes. I can sell you those to eat.

Jaime: You're not really good at this "selling" thing, are you? You're supposed to lie and say it's delicious.

Father: Well, I'm not the actual innkeeper here. I found the innkeeper dead. So I sort of just called dibs on it and took it over.

Brienne: We'd like a meal.

Brienne takes out a coin purse and jingles it around. 

Father: Say no more and come on in!

And so they go inside the inn and the Father makes them dinner. He sits down to eat with them. 

Father: So, where you guys heading?

Cleos: King's Landing.

Jaime: Oh yeah, Cleos. Great idea. Just tell him the truth because surely we can trust this random guy we just met with an obviously fake name.

Father: Going to King's Landing is suicide. Last I heard, King Stannis was outside of the city with a hundred thousand men and a magic sword. I bet everyone there is dead now.

Jaime: Well that's reassuring.

Father: Anyway, if you have to go... you better keep clear of the Kingsroad. Waaaay too dangerous. All sorts of bandits and soldiers there. They'll kill you in a heartbeat. The same for that river you're on. Way too many people watching that river. It's best if you leave your boat here and travel the country through the back roads.

Brienne: Well, if we do that then we'll need some horses.

Father: Well, it just so happens I have some horses. Come on, let me show them off to you.

And so after the meal, they head over to the stable. 

Jaime: This place smells like horse shit.

Father: Well, this is a stable. And there are horses here. And they're shitting. So yeah. It does.


Jaime: These horses are in terrible shape too.

Father: That plow horse was already here when we got here. That old one-eyed gelding wandered in on its own. And that palfrey over there... well... we found it roaming around, riderless with a blood stain on its saddle.

Jaime: Suuuuuure you did. Sure.

Brienne: I'll give you three gold dragons for the horses and provisions.

Father: Yeah, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal.  You also want to stay at the inn for the night for a few coins more? I got some pretty sweet straw beds in here.

Cleos: Yeah, that sounds nice!

Brienne: NO! We will just take the horses and food and be on our way.

Jaime: I agree with the wench. Let's go.

And so they head up on the horses. Or at least two of them do. 

Jaime: Uhh... a little help here.

He points down to his ankles, which still have manacles on them. 

Jaime: I can't exactly ride a horse with these feet chained together.

Brienne: *ugh* Fine.

Brienne cuts the chain apart.  

Jaime: Now, I'll just take this awesome palfrey.

Brienne: No you won't. You're going to ride the one-eyed gelding.

Jaime: Agh, DAMNIT. There goes my chance of making a quick escape and riding away, leaving your loser asses behind.

Cleos: HEY! I'm your cousin and I'm on your side.

Jaime: I don't like you though.

Father: Just remember... stay off the main roads and take the back roads!  A couple miles down the road you're going to hit an old, abandoned, burnt out town. You're going to want to take the road on the left when you get there. Okay?

Brienne: Sure thing. The road on the left.

And they ride. Eventually, they get to the burnt out town.

Cleos: Well, better take that road to the left!

Brienne: No way. We're going right.

Cleos: WHAT?! But he said left.

Jaime: You're such an idiot, Cleos.

Brienne: That was no innkeep, Frey. Why do you think we didn't stay the night? He would have probably killed us in his sleep. If we go to the road on the left, there will be some ambush. It was a definite trap.

Jaime: The wench is right. She may be ugly, but she's not stupid.

Brienne: Stop calling me a wench!

And so they keep riding. Through the rest of the day, and through half of the night. Finally they stop and make camp. 

Brienne: I'll take first watch. The rest of you sleep.

Jaime: How about instead of sleeping, I just stay up and annoy you with questions?

Brienne: No thanks.

Jaime: Too bad. Do you have any siblings?

Brienne: No. I am my father's only s-uhhh... daughter.

Jaime: HAHAHA. You almost said "son." That's hilarious. Man, your clitoris must be some sort of micro-penis or something.

Brienne: I hate you.

Jaime: Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just a joke. I apologize.Will you forgive me?

Brienne: Forgive you? Your crimes are beyond forgiving!

Jaime: Ugh. Bitch, you shouldn't judge things you don't know anything about.

Brienne: Why even bother taking the white if you only meant to betray it?

Jaime: Instead of answering that, I'll go into a deep flashback mode.

Years ago, Tywin brings young Cersei to Kings Landing. She hoped to be able to marry the girl off to the Targaryens. 

Tywin: I know you're just a kid, but if you can make this Rhaegar boy like you, then you'll be the queen one day!

Jaime: What about me, daddy?

Tywin: Hrm. I think I'll marry you off to Lysa Tully.

Jaime: Eww, I'm just a young kid now. But I already know that's a terrible idea.

Cersei: I don't want to marry Rhaegar! I just want to spend all my time playing with my brother! He's my best friend!

Tywin: Aww, that's so cute. You two are best friends.

Cersei hugs Jaime. And keeps hugging. And keeps hugging. 

Tywin: Okay, that's going on for a bit too long now.

A few years later, they are teenagers...

Cersei: Jaime, you can't let father send you away from me. I need you to stay here at King's Landing with me.

Jaime: I don't know how. I'm supposed to be the heir to Casterly Rock.

Cersei: I have a plan. Take the white! Then you'll be in the Kingsguard. You'll be around me all the time. We can stay together. And keep having hot, hot, incestuous sex.

Jaime: Well, that's a great idea!

And so they have sex. The next morning Jaime goes and tells everyone his plan to join the Kingsguard. 

Tywin: WHAT?! NO WAY! I won't allow it!

King Aerys II: Nope. Too late. No backsies. Jaime is in my Kingsguard now.

Cersei: Niiiiiice.

Tywin: Fuck this. I quit. I'm no longer Hand of the King.

He takes his Hand of the King pin off and throws it on the floor. 

King Aerys II: How dare you!  You're lucky I'm not an insane person who likes to burn people alive for minor slights!

Right. That's still a few years from now.

Jaime: And that's why I joined the Kingsguard.

Brienne: Wait. What? How did you join the Kingsguard? Did you just have some sort of flashback or something?

Jaime: Yes.

Brienne: Well, I can't see YOUR flashbacks or anything. Only you can. So you still never answered.

Jaime: Look, Aerys is a dick. He went crazy and started burning people. That's why I killed him.

Brienne: I didn't know King Aerys, but a mad king is still a king. So you're still an oathbreaker.

Jaime: Oh... and like you're NOT an oathbreaker? Do you really expect us to believe that shit about a shadow killing Renly? Please! Everyone knows your ugly ass tried to have sex with him and he rejected you. Then you killed him in anger.

Brienne: HOW DARE YOU!

She gets up and unsheathes her sword. Little does she know that she's playing right into Jaime's plan. He'll get her angry... then he'll have his chance to--

--Brienne puts her sword away and storms off. 

Jaime: Damnit. That didn't work. I was going to get her so angry that I could catch her off guard, take that sword, and cut myself free. But now that she's gone, I have nothing to do except have another flashback...

It's the day of the sacking of King's Landing. Robert Baratheon's men are headed toward the city.  Jaime enters the throne room. 

King Aerys II: Oh hey Jaime. I just want to remind everyone that this flashback occurs a few years after that last one. So now I'm full-on crazy. I want to burn some stuff. And by stuff, I mean people. LET'S BURN SOME PEOPLE! Got any people for me to burn? How about your dad? I want to burn your dad alive.  Oh hey. Cool sword. It has a lot of blood on it. Whose blood is that?

Jaime: Rossart's.

King Aerys II: Rossart. Rossart. Why does that name sound so familiar?

Jaime: He's your Hand.

King Aerys II: Oh, right. So why would the blood of the Hand of the King be on a Kingsguard's sword?

Jaime: Because I'm here to kill you.

King Aerys II: Ah. I see. HELP! HELP! HELP! AGHHH!!!

Aerys shits himself on the Iron Throne as Jaime approaches. 

Jaime: Well, that was a narrative embellishment that I didn't need to hear.

Jaime grabs the King and slits his throat. Aerys's body falls down the steps of the Iron Throne and lays on the floor as a pool of blood spills out. 

Lord Roland Crakehall and his soldiers then run into the room. They are sworn to Tywin Lannister. 

Crakehall: Jaime, the city is ours! Oh cool. I see the King is dead. Nice work, kid.

Jaime: Yes. Tell everyone. Spare all who yield to the new king!

Crakehall: Okay. No. Wait. Who exactly is the new king? Should I name someone?

Jaime: *shrug* I don't care, man. I'm 17 years old. Proclaim whoever the hell you want.

Jaime then turns around and looks at the Iron Throne. 

Jaime: Well, I don't want it to be cold for the next guy who gets here.

He sits down on it. 

Not that long later, Ned Stark shows up.

Ned Stark: Dafuq?

Jaime: Oh! Oh! Oh! So cool! We already had this scene in the book series two books ago!  But last time this scene was from YOUR point of view, and now it's from MY point of view. This is so cool!

Ned: Dude! Get off that throne!

Jaime: Haha, yeah! That's entirely consistent with what you said in your POV chapter. I guess our memories of this event are pretty consistent. So this must be where I say, "Oh, my bad. I'm a teenager and am pretty irresponsible. I was just keeping it warm for when the King shows up. Not that King, obviously."

Jaime points at King Aerys on the floor, who is dead.  He laughs a little.

Jaime then gets off the throne. 

*KICK*

Jaime: OW!

Brienne: Wake up! You flashbacked yourself to sleep. It's almost dawn now. Time to get on the road.

Jaime: Stupid wench.

ASoS 10: Davos II

Davos: Wow, bet you'd never think I'd be the character who got the first repeat POV chapter in this book, huh? Davos is truly becoming a main character now!

Captain: Shut up, and stop talking to the audience. You're being silly.

The ship that saved Davos Seaworth pulls up to Dragonstone. But all Davos can think of is one thing...

Davos: --I MUST KILL MELISANDRE!

Customs Officer Standing Around in the Port: Wait, what did you just say?

Davos: Uhhh... nothing.

Customs Officer: Oh, okay. Carry on then. Welcome to Dragonstone.

Davos: *cough*

Customs Officer: Eww.

Davos: Sorry. I got sick, what with being lost out at sea all those days/weeks. I'm fighting off a pretty bad infection. I can barely keep the food up. I was vomiting that whole ship ride long. Although part of that was because the food was so rich.  Yeah man, that was some boat ride. The Captain told me all about what I missed after I fell overboard. Stannis being defeated. The rumors that Renly's ghost joined the battle. A whole bunch of Stannis's supporters flipping sides at the end of the battle and aligning with Joffrey. It was quite the--

Customs Officer: --Okay man, we don't need your life story. Keep on walking.

As he walks through the harbor, he looks in hope for the ships of his sons, Allard and Dale. But they are nowhere to be found. Meaning that those kids of his have probably burned to death. 

Davos: *sigh*

Davos then runs into the ship belonging to an old buddy...

Salladhor Saan: OH SHIT! DAVOS! You're still alive?

Davos: Yep, you can't keep a man like me down. I'm invinc--*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*

Saan: Hrm, doesn't sound like you're alive for much longer though.

Davos: Yeah. I've got the flux.

Saan: Flux. What is that? I thought that was what they called women's periods in the middle ages.

Davos: Gross. But yeah, it's not that different than that. Except with blood leaking out of my asshole instead. And blood mixed in my puke. A LOT of blood.

Saan: Okay, too much information. Please, come into my ship's cabin and have some food and wine. Maybe that will make you feel better again.

Davos: I'll probably just puke it up again. But I guess maybe some hot wine will be good for my throat.

They go into Saan's ship and Davos has some hot wine. 

Davos: Mmm, this is some good wine.

Saan: Damn right it is. From Essos. I stole all this stuff from some guy name Illyrio Mopatis. The ship. The wine. The food. Everything. I just jacked his ship and seized it.

Davos: Interesting that you just randomly name-dropped that guy now that he's just been mentioned in another chapter. Cool. *cough*

Saan: So tell me, man. How the hell are you still even alive?

Davos: Well, it's a long story. I washed out to see onto a rock.

Saan: And then?

Davos: I got rescued.

Saan: Oh. That story wasn't long at all.

Davos: Hrm, I suppose you're right. It was really long in real life. But I guess summarizing it doesn't take that long.

Saan: Well, I'm glad to have you back. You should join the crew of one of my ships and we can sail the world, getting pussy and stealing from people. HELL YEAH, LET'S BE PIRATES!

Davos: Tempting offer, Salladhor. But I am loyal to Stannis and serve him. I must go to him now and let him know I'm alive.

Saan: Good luck with that shit. He doesn't see anyone anymore. As soon as he got back here to Blackwater he locked himself up in his room and won't see anyone. Well, except for that Red Witch. It's just those two doing crazy shit together. There are rumors that they go down into the lava pits of the mountain together.

Davos: MELISANDRE! I MUST KILL HER!!!!! THIS IS ALL HER FAULT!

Saan: Dude. Don't say that so loud. There are people around. Queen's Men. Spies.

Davos: The only reason I am alive is because the gods saved me... saved me to live another day and KILL THE RED WITCH!

Saan: Okay dude, if you're going to keep on shouting treasonous shit like that where everybody can hear, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my ship. I can't be associated with that kind of stuff.

And so Davos leaves. Where does he head? Right to the castle of Dragonstone...

Davos: ...TO KILL MELISANDRE!

Castle Guard: Excuse me. What did you say?

Davos: Uh... I said, "Excuse me, I'm here to see King Stannis."

Castle Guard: Did you? Because it sounded like you just shouted "To kill Melisande!"

Davos: You must have misheard. Anyway, can I come in to the Stone Drum to visit the King?

Castle Guard: Why should we let you?

Davos: Because I am Davos Seaworth, Stannis's trusted advisor!

Castle Guard: Never heard of you.

Davos: What? Really? I'm kind of a big deal. Are you new on the job or something?

Castle Guard: Yeah. Everyone here is new on the job. All of Stannis's men got killed in the battle or defected. So it's like a whole new team here now.

Davos: Oh. Well. Still, I want to be let in. You should ask around. Find someone who knows who I am.

Castle Guard: Ugh. Okay. If you insist. Wait in the fucking lobby and I'll try to find someone.

The Guard goes off and Stannis waits in the Lobby, reading a People Magazine. 

Davos: Hrm. "Who Will Be Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's (Adorable!) Page Boys and Bridesmaids?"  Oh... I have got to read this. I love these royal wedding stories!

As he waits in the lobby and reads his magazine, Shireen and Patchface run into the room. 

Shireen: UNCLE DAVOS!

Davos: Well, I'm not your Uncle, but I guess it's cool that you call me that. Now where is MELISANDRE SO THAT I CAN KILL HER?

Patchface: Fool's blood. King's blood, blood on the maiden's thigh, but chains for the guests and chains for the bridegroom, aye, aye, aye!

Davos: Dude, nobody likes you and your eerily prophetic riddles, Patchface. Go away.

Then, another idiot comes running into the room. This kid is so stupid that he runs right into Davos, and almost knocks himself out. 

Davos: Who the hell is this moron?

Kid Who Looks Just Like Robert Baratheon: Oh, sorry sir. I'm--

Davos: --Edric Storm?

Edric: Yeah! How did you guess?

Davos: I mean it's pretty obvious. You look just like your dad.

Edric: Yeah. King Robert was the bestest dad ever! I mean... at least he was the one day of the year he would come around to say hi. But that one day every year was great! He'd help train me! He was going to raise me to be a great soldier, just like him!

Davos: Yeah, well. He's dead now.

Edric: You're that Davos guy, right? I heard all about you. Let me see that fucked up hand of yours. I heard Stannis cut all your fingers off!

Davos: Uh. Sure.

Davos takes off his glove and shows Edric his severed fingers. 

Edric: GROSSSSSSSS! That's so nasty. Uncle Stannis is one sick fuck, huh? My dad would have never done something like that to you.

Just then, the Castle Guard comes back in. 

Castle Guard: Hey dude, I found this guy. Maybe he can say you are who you say you are.

And into the room walks Ser Axell Florent.

Axell: Well, well, well. Davos fucking Seaworth survived. I guess turds really do float.

Davos: Nice to see you too, dick.  So, have you come to take me to the King?

Axell: The King? Hahahaha, no. I've come to take you to the dungeon.

Davos: WHAT? WHY?

Axell: For your plot... to KILL LADY MELISANDRE!

Davos: WHAT?! OH NO! HOW DID HE FIGURE OUT MY SECRET PLOT TO KILL LADY MELISANDRE.

Axell: Dude, you keep shouting about it to everyone on this fucking island. It's not that secret.

Davos: Oh right.