ADwD 38: Jaime

Oh shit look! Jaime even gets a chapter in this book!

Jaime: Yeah, just one though.

Jaime and his entourage arrive at Raventree, home to House Blackwood.  The Blackwoods are one of the last remaining houses in the Riverlands to not bend the knee to the Lannisters.

Jaime goes to meet with Lord Jonos Bracken, who has been leading Team Lannister’s siege of Raventree. He begins to walk into Jonos’s tent when…

Guard: Uhh… I wouldn’t go in there. Lord Bracken is… erm… busy.

Jaime: Is that so?

Jaime pimp slaps the guard with his metal hand anyway.

He walks in the tent to find Jonos in the middle of a doggystle on a camp whore.

Jaime: *AHEM*

Jonos: WHO THE FUCK IS INTERRUP---OHHHHHH SHIIITTT!!! Sorry, sorry, Lord Jaime. I didn’t know it was you.

The whore runs into a corner and covers up as he goes looking for his pants.

Jonos: I… umm… err… sorry. I didn’t expect you so soon. Good to see you though, my lord.

Jaime: Well, it’s NOT good to see you. Wanna know why?

Jonos: Because you didn’t need the image of my dick burnt into your eye sockets forever?

Jaime: Well that too, yes. But mostly because we sent your ass to take Raventree SIX FUCKING MONTHS AGO. Why has it not yet fallen?

Whore: OH SNAP! You told him, Jaime! I’m attracted to powerful men. I want you to do me right now.

Jaime: Gross, no. Sloppy second.

Lord Jonos dismisses her and she leaves.

Jaime: Well, since you can’t win this fucking castle, I mean to go meet with Lord Tytos Blackwood myself and offer him terms of peace.

Jonos: You can’t trust those Blackwoods! They’re all turncloaks!

Jaime: Really? Because I seem to recall that BOTH the Blackwoods and the Brackens were loyal to the King in the North, Robb Stark. Only the BRACKENS switched sides and joined Team Lannister. So if I had to make a quick judgment on which side was more likely to be turncloaks… maybe I’d pick the one which actually, you know, TURNED ITS CLOAK.

Jonos: I… uhm… wow. Sort of fucked up that you’re calling me out for joining your side.  Anyway, what I’m trying to say is you can’t trust him. He may say the words that he’s loyal to you, but you need to ensure that he is. You need hostages from him. I’d recommend you take his only daughter as a hostage. He loves her more than anything else in the world. If you have here, he’ll obey.

Jaime: Thank you, Lord Jonos. I’ll take note of that sweet bit of intel.

Jonos: If you beg my pardon, ser. You said you’d offer him terms of peace. What are they? You do recall that your father Tywin offered me a great reward for subduing Raventree. Most of House Blackwood’s lands would be given over to me.

Jaime: Okay, well the first issue there is that you only PARTLY subdued House Blackwood. Seeing as how I have to come along and actually close the deal out… it seems like you didn’t fulfil your commitment to my father.  So why should you get the reward?  But, despite what many thing, I’m not a total dick.  You did part of the work… you get PART of the reward.

Jonos: Ugh. As you say, my Lord Jaime.

Soon after, Jaime is let into Raventree and meets with Lord Blackwood.

Tytos: Hey, you shitty asshole king-slaying fuck-stain.

Jaime: Hahaha, I like you more than Jonos already. You keep it real.

They get down to dinner and discuss terms of the parley. They talk about specifics like which side between Blackwood and Bracket gets which town and which river and which mill and which hill of dirt. It’s all very technical. Blackwood isn’t happy with all he has to give up, but he knows he must do it. Finally, they come to a deal.

Tytos: *sigh* Well, I guess here were are then. Well that fucking sucked.

Jaime: They say a fair deal is one in which neither side is happy. And trust me, Jonos will not be happy either.  Oh, and speaking of things that will not make you happy, I will of course need some hostages from your side to ensure you hold up your end of the bargain. I hear you have a daughter.

Tytos: NOOOOOOO!!!!! Please! Anything but that! I have sons! I have sons up the asshole. Look, I love them all and I don’t want you to murder any of them. But I love Bethany the most. I could never see her taken away from me. Who fucking told you about Bethany? Was it Jonos!

Jaime: Hrm. I know it’s not proper to ask for your heir and firstborn son. So what about your secondborn son?

Tytos: My second son was Lucas. He was at the Red Wedding.

Jaime: Ah. Shit. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit. Sorry, man. So. Fucking. Sorry. 

Tytos: His body was never returned to me.

Jaime: I promise it shall be done. We will add it to the deal as part of your surrender. Now… please tell me you have a non-murdered third son.

Tytos: Yes, Hoster. You may take him with you. I’ll send for him at once. But let me also tell you this, Lord Jaime. If you think Lord Bracken is any more trustworthy than me… you’d have another thing coming. They call us the Turncloaks? Ha! It was them who, hundreds of years ago—

Jaime: —Blah, blah, blah. Yes. You two hate each other. Hetfields and McCoys. Capulets and Montegues. Israel and Palestine. I get the picture. Both of your Houses have grievances against each other which go back so long that none of you can actually remember why you hate each other in the first place, but you’re just born into hating one another and continue to perpetuate the violence generation after generation.

Hoster Blackwood is then brought forward into the room.

Hoster: Hey everyone! I’m your hostage.

Jaime looks him over.

Jaime: OMG, this kid is a total nerd. Glasses. Pocket protector. A hand full of books!

Hoster: I can’t leave without my books! Reading is fun!

Jaime: Ugh, this is going to be a long trip back to King’s Landing. ANYWAY, I best get going. Oh, but before I go… Lord Blackwood, please remember that if I receive any evidence that House Blackwood has been aiding rebels in the area… Lord Beric, that Lady Stoneheart, Sandor Clegane, or the Blackfish… I will not hesitate to send Hoster back to you. In fucking pieces.

Hoster: JEEPERS!

Lord Blackwood nods.

Tytos: Good day, ser.

Jaime heads out with Hoster as his Hoster-age. Hahaha. Is that funny? Probably not.

Jonos: So, the deal has been made then? How much of the shit that your father gave to me did you give him?

Jaime: Enough.

Jonos: That sounds like too much.

Jaime: Hrm. Lord Bracken, it would be an honor if one of your daughters also accompanies me back to King’s Landing as a guest to be in the company of His Grace the king. For Tommen has so few children of an age to play with.

Jonos: WHAT?! WHAT THE LITERAL FUCK?! YOU WANT ONE OF MY CHILDREN AS A HOSTAGE?! TYTOS WAS THE ENEMY HERE! NOT ME! I WAS ON YOUR SIDE!

Jaime: Did I say hostage? No. I said “guest.” No go fucking fetch one of them. Now.

Later, Jaime and his entourage are making their way through the Riverlands, slowly headed towards King’s Landing.  They are not going the usual way though.

Hoster: Wouldn’t the King’s Road be faster?

Jaime: Yes, but I’m trying to draw out the rebel armies. Maybe have a fat, juicy group of soldiers that Beric or the Blackfish would want to attack.

Hoster: Oh. Sounds dangerous.

Jaime: Yeup. Say, what is up with the Blackwoods and the Brackens anyway? You’d think that after all these years they would have made peace.

Hoster: We have. Dozens of time. Every Blackwood is half Bracken and every Bracken is half Blackwood. We’ve married our families into each other so many times that it’s a surprise the kids haven’t come out as inbred twats like Joffrey.

Jaime: HEY!

Hoster: Oh, sorry. I’m just saying, the feud is BS. Something always starts it back up again.

Jaime: The only way to really end it is to make sure that there is nobody left on the other side to carry it out.

Hoster: Hrm. So I guess that’s what you did to the Starks, huh?

Jaime: For a bookish nerd, you sure have incorporated your badass father’s style of “Keeping it Fucking Real” with your replies to me, kid.

That night, they stop in a village called Pennytree.

Near midnight, a rider comes forward. Jaime’s sentries see the rider and stop them. They bring her forward to Jaime.

Jaime: HOLY SHIT! BRIENNE OF FUCKING TARTH!

Brienne: Hey, fuckboi.

Jaime: What happened to your face? It looks like someone bit half of it off.

It’s covered in bandages.

Brienne: Yeah, that’s a pretty accurate guess.

She touches her sword. It’s the one he gave her. Oathkeeper, melted down from Ned Stark’s sword.  She notices him looking at the sword.

Brienne: My Lord, you gave me a quest.

Jaime: Yes, to find the Stark girl. Have you done so?

Brienne: I... uhh.. have. She is a day’s ride from here. But you must come alone. Or else THE HOUND will kill her.

Jaime: Hrm. I have to come alone? This seems like some sort of trap.

Brienne: Uhh… no?

Jaime: No, seriously. I bet this is a trap.

Brienne: The next book hasn’t been written yet, so you can’t say that definitively.

ADwD 37: Tyrion X

Tyrion and Sharkleberry Finn are up for action at a slave market at Yunkish camp just outside of Meereen.

Auctioneer: THOSE AT THIS! A fine set of slaves here. A midget and a pink shark with shades who can do all sorts of flips and tricks and stuff.  HEY SHARK! Say your line!

Sharkleberry Finn: FIN-Tastic!

Audience: WOOOO!!!! WE LOVE YOU SHARKLEBERRY FINN! WE’LL PAY TWICE AS MUCH FOR YOU AS WE DID FOR PURPLESAURUS REX!

Auctioneer: Do I hear one thousand?

Obese Yellow Guy: One thousand!

Black Sellsword Guy: One thousand and one!

Obese Yellow Guy: Oh come on. Don’t be that cheap asshole who offers one dollar more than the last person. So annoying.

Black Sellsword Guy: Hey, I’m just trying to be responsible with money. But I take your point. FIFTEEN HUNRED!

Obese Yellow Guy: Two thousand!

Black Sellsword Guy: Three thousand!

Obese Yellow Guy: Thirty five hundred!

Black Sellsword Guy: Wait… what is the currency we’re going with here again? I don’t even know what type of money is used here.

Obese Yellow Guy: I think it’s “Honors” or something like that.

Black Sellsword Guy: Honor? No way. That’s Jaime Lannister’s horse.

Obese Yellow Guy: It’s also a ship that Samwell Tarley saw in Oldtown’s harbor. But I think it’s the currency here too. I’m not sure. FOUR THOUSAND!

Black Sellsword Guy: Hahaha, dumbass. You were the last person to bid. You just over-bid yourself.

Obese Yellow Guy: D’oh? Can I take that back?

Auctioneer: No.

Black Sellsword Guy: Okay, that’s too much for me. I didn’t steal THAT much gold from Dany when I betrayed her.

Oh yeah, this is Brown Ben Plumm, by the way. In case you haven’t figured that out yet.

Tyrion: Hrm. That fat guy is clearly just a fat guy who wants to purchase us to put on our amazing Dwarf-and-Shark comedy jousting act. But that Sellsword… he would have no purpose for us. Unless… hrm… unless he recognized me and knew who I was. Strange. I figure my chances would be better with him. Even if he does plan to sell me to Cersei. I’m sure I could bribe him to reconsider. Better say some subtle things to reassure him that I am indeed worth his coin.

Auctioneer: Any more bids?

Tyrion: OH COME ON! Just four thousand?! I mean look at how awesome I am! I AM TYRION LANNISTER! I bid ten million! I’m great! I can beat any man in cyvasse! Anyone who buys me can have me hustle people at cyvasse and make their money back in days.

Sharkleberry Finn: I thought you said “subtle” things. You just said “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”

Tyrion: I don’t need to be lectured to about subtlety by a pink shark with shades who sells Kool-Aid.

Obese Yellow Guy: WAIT! Is he allowed to bid on himself? Can he do that?

Auctioneer: No. I’m pretty sure not. So we’re still at four thousand. Going once… going twice? SOLD! For Four Thousand Honors or Dragons or… uhh… pieces? Is it pieces?

Brown Ben: That’s it! Pieces! We’re bidding with “Silver Pieces” in this chapter.

Obese Yellow Guy: Oh yeah, we are. I think GRRM is fairly inconsistent about the currency in Essos. I am almost sure that inside Meereen they specifically talked “about honors.” And we’re just outside of Meereen. But then again, we are Yunkai slavers, so I guess we’d use Yunkai coins. At one point those were specifically referred to as “Golden Marks,” but now we’re apparently using “Silver Pieces.” I guess they could be part of the same currency system. Like the equivalent of a Golden Dragon and a Silver Stag. Anyway, give me my damn slaves.

Tyrion and Sharkleberry Finn are handed over to the Obese Yellow Guy’s Overseer, Nurse.

Nurse: Hi.

Tyrion: Your name is “Nurse?” That’s unfortunate.

Nurse: Your face is unfortunate. *ahem* Anyway, you now have the pleasure of being the property of Yezzan zo Qaggaz.

Tyrion: Yezzan zo Qaggaz? That’s even worse than “Nurse.” Can I just call him Obese Yellow Guy?

Nurse: No.

Tyrion then turns around to see the next person up for auction.

Auctioneer: Here we have an old, shitty knight from Westeros. Sort of balding. May or may not have greyscale but not really. Can probably take an illogical number of stab wounds from White Walkers and keep going. Do I near five hundred?

Audience: …

Auctioneer: Okay, I know, I know. We don’t really have much use for “Knights” over here in Essos. We’re more of a “Slave Army” type of culture. How about Three Hundred?

Audience: …

Auctioneer: Anything? I’ll pretty much take anything from him!

Potential Buyer: Can we buy him to grind up into meat to feed our pets? I’ll over one Silver Piece.

Auctioneer: Really? OH COME ON! I know he’s not in his prime… but he’s a knight! Grinding up a knight into pet food would be like grinding up a Kentucky Derby-winning horse to turn into pet food! Nobody would do that!

Potential Buyer: The Japanese would!

Auctioneer: I stand corrected. Okay! One Silver Piece! Do we have any more bids?

Tyrion turns around to Nurse.

Tyrion: Yikes. Jorah is an asshole. He kidnapped me and beat me. This is pretty much his “just desserts” given that he himself used to be a slave-trader.  But I sort of also don’t want to see him ground up and fed to Arya’s new pet cat that she can warg into. HEY NURSE! Did you know that guy is part of our act?

Nurse: Really? That guy?

Tyrion: Yeah! Have you heard of “The Bear and he Maiden Fair?”  It’s a popular song which we do an act to. He plays the bear.

Nurse: Bitch, I’m from Essos. Why the hell would I know a Westerosi song? It sounds like you’re making it up.

Tyrion: No, I’m serious. Google it. Anyway, our act won’t work without him.

Nurse: *sigh*

Nurse consults with Yezzan zo Qaggaz. The obese yellow man nods his head.

Yezzan zo Qaggaz: Five pieces of silver!

Auctioneer: Anyone else?

Audience: …

Auctioneer: SOLD! To Yezzan zo Qaggaz.

Jorah is brought over and joins Tyrion and Sharkleberry.

Tyrion: A thank you would be nice.

Jorah: Eat a whole bag of dicks.

Tyrion: Tiger penis soup is a delicacy in China.

Tyrion can tell that Jorah is a broken man now. He offers no resistance. Yep, he’s really getting that “I used to sell slaves and now I am one” ironic juxtaposition going on now.

Jorah: Also, I heard that Dany has apparently wed some Meereenese noble.

Tyrion: Pfft. Come on, like you ever had a chance with her. 

They go back to the Yunkish encampment, where six giant trebuchets have been built, as Yezzan zo Qaggaz is one of the lords whose armies shall soon be attacking Meereen and its dragon queen. They are fitted with slave collars and chains and then watch as a bunch of other slaves are stoned to death.

Tyrion: OUCH! WTF?! What just happened there?

Nurse: Oh, they tried to escape. Good timing that you just saw that though. Now you know what happens if you try to do the same.

They are brought forward to a tent. But this is no normal tent.

Tyrion: Is this a CIRCUS tent?

Nurse: Yes. You’re a dwarf and a talking pink shark. You guys are FREAKS. You’re going to be part of Yezzan zo Qaggaz’s freakshow with the bearded lady, conjoined twins, elephant man, Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron, and Zendaya.

Tyrion: Why the hell are Hugh Jackman, Zac Efron and Zendaya part of this freakshow? They’re all perfectly normal.

Zendaya: It’s just a “The Greatest Showman” joke. Don’t put much more thought into it. A fleeting throwaway joke to be instantly forgotten as the story moves along.

Tyrion: Goddamn are you hot.

Zendaya: I know.

Tyrion: If HBO had properly adapted the Dorne story, you should have played Alleras Sand.

Zendaya: Yeah, it’s been mentioned before. But what are the chances I'd ever actually wind up on an HBO show?


That evening, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has his newly-acquired slave entertainers put on their show.  They fill a big pool of water up and it’s basically Sea World but with less animal abuse.

Nurse: What about this knight guy who is playing the Bear? Are you using him?

Tyrion: Uhh… no. Not tonight. We’re doing a different act that doesn’t use him.

They put on a great show with all sorts of flips in the pool of water.

Sharkleberry Finn: IT’S SO HIP, IT WILL MAKE YOU FLIP! …FIN-TASTIC!

Everyone: HAHAHA! THIS SHARK IS GREAT! WE LOVE HIM!

Among the guests at the show are Yurkhaz no Yunzak, the supreme commander of the Yunkish forces; and the other man who tried to bid on him – Brown Ben.

Yurkhaz: Hey dwarf! That was a good show. I heard you talking some shit about cyvasse though. Saying you can beat anyone.

Tyrion: I can.

Yurkhaz: Oh, it’s on then. Your ass is grass, and I am going to smoke it.

Tyrion: Maybe I’m grass… but remember that Areo chapter where Prince Doran implies that grass is awesome?


Zac Efron: We sure are making a lot of Dorne references for no reason now.

Tyrion: Get outta here, Zac!

Tyrion easily defeats Yurkhaz.

Yurkhaz: SHIT!

Nurse and Yezzan zo Qaggaz are standing there watching.

Nurse: Pay up, bitch!

Brown Ben: Me next! Me next!

He sits down to play Tyrion.

Tyrion: Oh, I remember you. You were the guy who tried to buy me. I assume you knew who I was.

Brown Ben: Indeed I did, especially after you shouted out “I AM TYRION LANNISTER.”

Sharkleberry Finn: I told you that wasn’t subtle, dood.

Brown Ben: Oh, and I haven’t introduced myself to you formally yet. the name is Plumm, Brown Ben Plumm. Now let’s make the odds interesting though. How about I play… FOR YOU!!!!

Yezzan zo Qaggaz eyes Brown Ben suspiciously.

Yezzan zo Qaggaz: No. I like my little dwarf slave. He entertains me greatly. But I will give you the amount I payed for him if he loses. And I’ll probably kill him for losing too.

Tyrion: *gulp*

The two play. Tyrion observes him carefully.

Tyrion: So, Plumm, is it?  I know Lord Philip Plumm very well. As a matter of fact, the House Plumm’s overlords are House Lannister. So I guess that means you’re loyal to me and have to do whatever I say.

Brown Ben: Ha.

Tyrion: I’ll take that as a no.

Tyrion easily defeats Brown Ben.

Brown Ben: Uh… best two out of three?

In the end, they play five games, and Brown Ben only wins one of them before giving up. Since that time, Yezzan zo Qaggaz has departed.  But Nurse gives Tyrion some news.

Nurse: HAHAHA! Yezzan zo Qaggaz will be quite pleased with you! You shall be rewarded with your victories by having the biggest show of your life!

Tyrion: Really? Where?

Nurse: In the fighting pits of Meereen!

Tyrion: How is that possible? Aren’t you at war with Meereen?

Nurse: BREAKING NEWS! We just signed a peace deal. Now that the Dragon Queen has married the Meereenese noble Hizdahr zo Loraq, he has opened up the fighting pits and invited us all to make peace with them.

Sharkleberry Fin: A HUGE AUDIENCE!?

Nurse: Tens of thousands!

Sharkleberry Finn: That sounds FIN-TASTIC!

Tyrion: Will it be, though? Will it?

ADwD 36: A Ghost in Winterfell (Theon VI)

Theon/Reek hears news that one of the Bolton soldiers, a man-at-arms for House Ryswell, has been found dead and laying in the snow.

Roger Ryswell: Hrm, well. He probably just fell off the wall while drunk and taking a piss off the side in the middle of the night.

Theon: Yes. Going up to the top of the wall to piss off the side in the middle of the night in the freezing cold sounds logical. So that must be what happened.

Solider: No way! Stannis must have some secret agents inside the castle! These rogue agents are going to kill us off one by one.

Everyone Else: Hahaha, that’s stupid! What a dumb theory.

At any rate, conditions are pretty miserable here with the cold. Theon saw Roose Bolton beat and banish one guy who suggested that Stannis was being protected from the blizzard by the Red God.  Morale is getting low since there is so little food, and that which exists isn’t really being distributed fairly.

Not long after, one of the Singer Abel’s Groupies shows up.

Groupie: Hey Theon! You know I’m not an actual groupie, right? I’m a Wildling Spearwife sent here from the Wall on an elite assassination mission to start killing Bolton men.

Theon: Yes, this is pretty obvious. Please leave me alone.

Groupie: Show me the crypts! We need to find a cool way to escape Winterfell.

Theon: LEAVE ME ALONE! YOU’RE PROBABLY A TRAP THAT RAMSAY IS SETTING UP TO GET ME IN TROUBLE AGAIN! I WON’T HELP YOU!

Theon leaves and thinks about killing himself to end his misery. But if he messes up and doesn’t do it successfully, he knows Ramsay will punish him slowly and painfully, which would be even worse. So he just sighs and goes back to being mopey about everything.

Soon after, two more Bolton men are found dead, both of which also appear to be “accidental.” Lord Bolton holds a meeting. One of the dead is Aenys Frey’s squire.

Roose: Yes. Accidents. Just a bunch of coincidental accidents.

Aenys Frey: REALLY?! REALLY?! No way! We’re all going to die one by one while these secret killers stalk us. Instead of sitting here and waiting to die, we should take the fight to Stannis! Also, we know who the real culprit is here – the one who is really on team Stannis and only pretending to be our friend.  The one who conveniently “lost” three Freys. Lord Manderly!

Roose: ENOUGH! I’ll have none of these accusations. The deaths were accidents.

So says Roose. But Theon looks into his eyes and can tell that Roose himself doesn’t actually believe that. He is uneasy about what is going on too.
 
That night, the stables of Winterfell collapse, killing a large number of the Bolton army’s horses, and several of the men.  Although most of the dead bodies seem to be victims from the collapse, one victim was clearly murdered – a man named “Yellow Dick,” one of Ramsay’s yes men.

Soldier: HOLY CRAP! Do you see that? Someone cut off his penis and stuffed it inside his own mouth so hard that it broke all his teeth!

Other Soldier: Well now Roose DEFINITELY can’t say that it was an accident.

The rest of the horses are brought into the Great Hall with the stables destroyed, and the whole place becomes super stinky. Not as stinky as Theon though, because he is still in his “Reek” persona.

One of Ramsay’s other yes men comes up to Theon.
 
Yes-Man: REEK! I bet this is you killing these men, isn’t it? Ramsay is going to slice your lips off!

Theon: N-no! It’s n-n-not me, I swear! I’m Reek! Ramsay’s loyal servant. It rhymes with “X-Men: Dark Phoenix killed off Mystique.”

Yes-Man: HEY! Spoilers!

Steelshanks then shows up.

Steelshanks: HEY EVERYONE! Remember me?

Theon: Not really.

Steelshanks: I used to travel around with Jaime a few books ago. But I haven't been given dialogue on this blog in FOREVER.

Theon: If you say so.

Steelshanks: Whatever. Oh Theon, you’re being summoned before the lords.

Theon: W-what? Why?!

Yes-Man: HAHA! Probably because they think you’re involved with all the killings. Well, have fun when Ramsay flays you some more.

Theon goes before the lords.

Roose: So you do this shit or not, Theon? We noticed that everywhere that the killings have been are places that you have also been seen walking around.

Lady Dustin walks up.

Lady Dustin: Him and everyone else in Winterfell. We’re all trapped here. Theon, take your gloves off.

He does. Everyone sees his maimed hands with cut-off fingers.

Lady Dustin: Come on, people. Look at this sickly cripple. Do you think he has the ability to go around murdering people twice his size with all those missing fingers? There is no way this poor, sad, frail excuse of a person has either the strength or the courage to commit such crimes.

Theon: Uhh… thanks?

Roose: Hrm. Good points, I suppose.

Aenys Frey: THEN IT MUST BE LORD MANDERLEY!

Lady Dustin: Must it? Because as I recall, you shitty Freys VICIOUSLY MURDERED THE KING IN THE NORTH AND HIS MOTHER, PISSING ALL OVER GUEST RIGHTS.  Based on how much everyone in the North hates you, literally anyone here could be responsible for killing a few Freys. Do you know what we call killing one Frey is called in the North? “A good start.”

Aenys Frey: HEY!

Roose: Now get out of here, Theon.

He’s dismissed and walks away.   Later, he hears a horn signaling in the distance. It is followed by drums.

Theon: Hrm. Could that be Stannis? Is his army finally here? God, I hope so. Maybe Stannis will kill us all and I’ll get the death I so crave. Maybe I can convince Roose to even give me a sword to fight with. That way I can at least die as Theon, not Reek.

He goes to the godswood to pray for that.

Tree: *whispering* Theon.

Theon: WHOA! WTF?! Crazy ass talking tree.

Then then looks more closely at the tree. Somehow… for some reason… it looks sort of like… Bran.

Theon: Bran? Why the tree be Bran? I didn’t even kill Bran and Rickon. It was those two miller’s sons.

But just as Theon is about to explore the mystery of the talking Bran tree further, Abel’s washerwomen/groupies show up.

Groupie: Hey Theon!

Theon: Ugh. You all again? LEAVE ME ALONE!

Groupie: Maybe you want this dagger up your neck, just like we did to the others!

Theon: Yes, please. Oh god please, kill me! I know it’s you girls killing everyone. Please give me the sweet, sweet release of death.

Groupie: Quit your whining, little baby. Did Ramsey hurt you? Good. You deserved it. But don’t think you’re getting off that easy. No, before you die… you need to talk to Abel. He’s waiting for you!

ADwD 45: The Blind Girl (Arya I)

Hey, last chapter Jon Snow was talking about the chapters in these books catching up. Well, for sure they are now because... LOOK WHO IT IS... 

Arya wakes up after a night of dreaming that she was Nymeria.

Arya: Oh wow, that was so cool feasting on the flesh of animals and humans. I’m really starting to enjoy the taste of human flesh that I, Arya Stark, am technically not eating in physical form but which I can taste through my psychic link to my direwolf.

Waif: Did you just say you were Arya Stark?

Arya: Uhh… no. I said “No One.” I am No One. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go to breakfast.

She gets up and walks into a wall.

Arya: OW! It sure it dark in here. Oh wait, I’m blind. I forgot. Damn it!

She finally stumbles her way to breakfast. As she’s eating, she smells the Kindly Old Man enter.

Arya: Hey Old Man.

Kindly Old Man: How did a girl know it was me?

Arya: Oh please, I smell that old man Ben Gay ointment smell.

Kindly Old Man: Hrm. A girl is getting good at using her other senses now that she cannot see. Tell me who you are.

Arya: No One.

Kindly Old Man: A girl is a liar. You are “Blind Beth.” Do you want your eyes back?

Arya: Nah, not today. I’m good.

Kindly Old Man: Tell me three things you have learned today.

Arya: The Sealord is sick and dying and everyone is like this cat named Tormo is going to replace him. Some ho named S’vrone is pregnant, probably with the child of a Tyroshi sellsword who she murdered. And something else about a new mermaid lady. Who cares?

Kindly Old Man: …

Arya: …

Kindly Old Man: …

Arya: WHAT?!

Kindly Old Man: I don’t think you’re taking this seriously. Now get off to your duties!

She does her duties for the day. As she does, she thinks about the potion that she has to drink to keep her blind. It’s crazy to keep doing that, but if she gives up on the blind thing she knows that she’ll be booted from the House of Black & White and won’t get to be a super cool assassin. And she totes wants to be a super cool assassin.

Next she plays the lying game with the Waif.

Arya: The Crying Game? You mean she’s a transvestite?

Waif: No. The LYING game. Where I say a bunch of statements and you figure out what one is a lie.

Arya: This is hard. Especially now that I’m blind.

Waif: The trick is to listen to the tone of my voice.

She does other chores too. All of them are a bit tedious and slow now that she’s blind, but she figures out ways to do them, slowly improving her other senses. One time when she’s doing her chores, she’s suddenly attacked by someone who beats her up with a stick. This actually happens a few times. She has some serial stalker who likes to beat the shit out of her with a stick. Not cool.

Arya: OW! Damnit! I’d beat your ass if I could see you.

Then Arya goes to meet with the Kindly Old Man again.

Kindly Old Man: To be honest, we would have made you blind anyway. It’s part of the standard training curriculum here. But we accelerated the process after you killed that guy in the Night’s Watch. You’re not supposed to give the gift of death to people. You’re only supposed to kill who you’re supposed to kill. You can’t just be the grim reaper and decides who live and dies. All men must die. We kill men, but we do not judge them though. You understand that, right?

Arya, Internally: No.

Arya, Speaking: Yes!

Kindly Old Man: You lie. You’re really not learning this lying game thing that well.

That night, Arya puts on her Blind Beth costume. The Waif helps her out by doing makeup that gives her nasty-ass pox scars and everything. She goes to the city to learn three more things that she can tell the Kindly Old Man the next day. She goes to a really skeezy inn. A cat comes up to her and sits in her lap.

Arya: Oh wow, hey cat. You must remember me from when I was the girl who sold shellfish. You can see right through my clever blind pox victim disguise. Don’t narc on me and blow my cover, okay?

Cat: Meow?

Not long after, a bunch of Lyseni sailors from a ship come in to drink and gossip. But they take a seat near the fireplace and talk quietly so that NO ONE can overhear them.

Arya: Hahahaha, oh man. That’s a really great line, GRRM. “No One” can overhear them. Thought you’d slip that by most readers, didn’t you? Classic!

Sailor: Oh yeah, we were forced to put in here at slave-free Braavos and then the port seized our ship for all of our human trafficking. This sucks, man.

Sailor #2: Yeah, we were collecting up all these super sweet slaves from a place called HARDHOME. All these Wildlings just begging to be taken aboard our ships. Apparently they had some Witch who prophesized that ships were coming to save them. Hahaha. Good stuff. Too bad these assholes took all of our sweet, sweet, slaves away.

The next morning, Arya is again questioned by the Kindly Old Man.

Kindly Old Man: Tell me three new things that you learned.

Arya: #1… Some ships from Lys are engaging in the slave trade. They kidnapped a bunch of people from Hardhome and were smuggling them. But a storm diverted them here to Braavos and their ship and slaves were confiscated.

Kindly Old Man: This is a good thing to know. Tell me another thing.

Arya: #2: …Not all of the ships were caught by the storm. At least one of them escaped and made it back to Lys. It’s probably going to go back to Hardhome again to get more slaves.

Kindly Old Man: This seems more like just a continuation of the first new thing you learned, but I’ll go ahead and count it as being a second thing because I’m in a generous mood. Now, tell me one more new thing you know. And it can’t be about the slave ships again.

Arya: #3… I know who has been beating my ass in the hallway with that stick. It was you, asshole.

Kindly Old Man: *GASP* How does a girl know such a thing? It couldn't have been the old man Ben Gay ointment smell because I specifically don't use it when I beat you.

Arya: Hahaha, like I’m going to tell your ass.

Kindly Old Man: Ah. Fair enough. Well can you at least explain it so that the readers know how you were able to figure it out?

Arya: Oh right. I totally have sweet-ass warg powers. Remember that cat who was sitting in my lap? He’s like my best friend now and he totally follows me around. I can warg into him now and see through his eyes. So I’m not really blind at all.

Kindly Old Man: So you're blind... but with the power to see?

Arya: Yes.

Kindly Old Man: Like fucking Daredevil?

Arya: I suppose. When you put it like that, it does sound kind of lame. Daredevil, I mean. Not me.

That evening Arya is served another potion, just like she always takes to make herself blind another day. But this time it tastes different and burns her throat.

The next morning she opens her eyes and she can see again. She sees an obsidian candle burning.

Arya: Oh, cool. I guess. But then again redundant because, as stated, I’m already totally able to warg into animals and see stuff anyway.

ADwD 44: Jon IX

Queen Selyse and her crew (which includes her daughter Shireen, her “hand” Ser Axell Florent, the fool Patchface, a bunch of yes men) arrive at Castle Black. Oh, and Tycho Nestorsis of the Iron Bank of Braavos is there too.

Jon: Greetings, you grace. Welcome to Castle Black.

Selyse: Ah, hello there young intern. I was expecting the Lord Commander of Castle Black to meet me.

Jon: Uh, I am the Lord Commander. Jon Snow.

Selyse: Oh heck, really?

Jon: Yes. Hey! Who are you? I don’t recognize you.

Tycho Nestorsis: I’m Tycho Nestorsis from the Iron Bank. I’m basically Mr. Moneybags.

Jon: Oh bro, we need to talk later.

Tycho Nestorsis: Sure ‘nuf.

Jon: Anyway Queen, let me escort you to your temporary chambers here.

Selyse: Ugh. If you insist. But what I really need is to move into the Nightfort. Aren’t your builder jerks supposed to be restoring that castle so I can live in it?

Jon: Whoa, it takes a long time to rebuild a castle in ruins. The Nightfort is nowhere near ready. Honestly, the facilities here aren’t that fit for a queen either. You should have just stayed at Eastwatch by the Sea until the Nightfort was ready.

Selyse: No! I am so damn sick of Eastwatch. It’s not safe! I have this odd feeling that an ice dragon is going to come and burn everything down. Plus I have to be around that asshole Cotter Pyke.

Jon: Well, on the latter part I certainly understand. HAHA! That guy!

As they walk to Selyse’s new rooms, they run into Wun Wun.

Selyse: AGGHHHHHH!!! WHAT THE HELL?! A MONSTER!

The Queen’s bodyguards run out with swords and are ready to attack.

Jon: No, this is just Wun Wun. He’s a giant. But those swords down. You Southerners really need to get used to how things are up here in the north.

Wun Wun bows to the queen.

Queen’s Yes Man: You Northerners are disgusting. Keeping monsters as pets. Maybe you’ll have some Others as pets too.

Jon: Wun Wun, tear his arms off.

Queen’s Yes Man: AGHH!!!

Jon: Haha, just kidding. Seriously though, Wun Wun is a guest. Put that sword away. Here in the North we respect guest rights. I know you people from the south have a hard time doing that.

Everyone in the Night’s Watch: OOOooOOooo.

Jon takes the queen to her new quarters and finally gets rid of her. But as they are departing…

Jon: Oh hey, Moneybags.

Tycho Nestorsis: Yes?

Jon: Mind if we have that talk? We could meet up on top of the Wall in a bit.

Tycho Nestorsis: On top of the Wall? No thanks. I’d rather meet in a nice, warm room. I’m free now if you’d like.

Jon: That sounds suspiciously like you're asking me on a date.

Tycho Nestorsis: I'm not. I wanna talk money and drink. 

Jon: Hells to the yeah. Let’s do that.

And so they head to a nice war room to sit down for a conversation.

Jon: So how is all this bank stuff going?

Tycho Nestorsis: Odd question. In many ways very well. However, we have some… problems… with you people of Westeros.

Jon: What do you mean "you people?" Is it because we're from Castle BLACK?!

Tycho Nestorsis: ...

Jon: Seriously though... like what? What problems are you having with Westerosi people?

Tycho Nestorsis: Well, as you know the crown owes the Iron Bank a geat deal of money. Technically, it is the Lannisters and King Tommen who control the Iron Throne now. But they have stopped making their payments on their loans.

Jon: Wow, a reference going all the way back to AFfC 24? Hrm. I guess that's a good "catch up" to now let us know the status of where the two timelines of these books line up since they're happening simultaneously for the first half of this book.

Tycho Nestorsis: Indeed. Anyway, the Lannister debt is now hence why I’m now with Team Stannis. If Stannis is to take the throne… well… he might do a better job at actually paying the Iron Bank back what it is owed.

Jon: Hahaha, cool. Those Lannisters are dumb as hell. So what kind of credit are you willing to offer another entity like… saaaaaaay… The Night’s Watch?

Tycho Nestorsis: It depends. What are you looking for?

Jon: We’re basically running out of food and materials and all that stuff we need to live until spring. Plus we need some ships. I got some stuff at Hardhome that I need to do.

Tycho Nestorsis: I’m afraid that’s totally out of the question.

Jon: Is it now? Maybe we should do a bit of a negotiation. I always like to negotiate after having a few glasses of Jungle Juice and I seem to recall you talking about drinking.

Tycho Nestorsis: Jungle Juice?!


Jon pulls out a few red solo cups and a jug of mysterious, orange-colored liquid. They start drinking.

Four hours later…

Tycho Nestorsis: Hahahaha, yesh Jon. Good ideash! Oshkay! I will givesh you shree shhips and gold to lasht shrew winter. In returnsh, I need a down payment of trinketsh and valuabulesh from the Wildlingsh. Alsho… I needsh your Watch to eschcort me to Shtannish.

Jon: Deal!

They shake on it. And then both pass out.

When Jon wakes up, he thinks that the fleet he’s putting together to save Hardhome with the Iron Bank’s three additional ships to his own 8 is too small, but can delay no further. He also thinks about Sam, Gilly and Aemon.

Jon: Oh hey, Tycho. Wake up.

Tycho Nestorsis: Ugh, I have such a headache, man.What is in that stuff, man?

Jon: Doesn't matter. I had a friend named Sam who stopped by in Braavos for a minute.You ever meet him or hear about the Night’s Watch ship that visited Braavos?

Tycho Nestorsis: Nah, sorry. Doesn’t ring a bell. Besides, all the talk in Essos these days is about that Dragon Queen.

Jon: Say what?

Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah, some queen who has three pet dragons.

Jon: WHOA! That wounds pretty awesome, right? I wonder if she's hot.

Tycho Nestorsis: Yeah,  NO! It is very much NOT awesome. Do you know why people only live in Braavos because we fled form the Dragon Lords who persecuted and enslaved us?

Jon: Erm. Sorry, dude. I'm sure this one might be different though.

Tycho Nestorsis: Maybe. Oh, and by the way. When we made the deal I forgot to tell you something since I was pretty drunk. If you fail to pay us back properly, the Iron Bank has the resources to absolutely destroy you. We are fucking RUTHLESS. Anyway, have fun. It was great making that deal.

Jon then goes to get a bite, in hopes that it will help with his own jungle juice hangover. In the Castle Black mess hall, he runs into Ser Axell Florent.

Axell: HEY! I want to have a look at this Wildling Princess named Val.

Jon: Nah. Besides, she’s not really a princess. She’s the sister of a dead woman who was bad a baby with a desserter from the Night’s Watch who just called himself a king. You people have really weird ideas of how royalty works. Like, can a person just call themselves a king and you believe them? Hell. I could call myself king. I could call my little dead half-brother Bran king. People would just accept that?

Axell: Well, some people. Others will just be angry on the internet and not accept it at all.

Jon: True.

Axell: I know that Wildling princess isn’t here. Just admit it.

Jon: Oh! Is that the time? Excuse me, I’ve got to go and make plans for Hardhome. I’m debating whether or not I need to lead the attack myself.

As Jon is mulling that issue over the night, a messenger comes.

Messenger: Lord Commander! Lord Commander! A girl has arrived at the gates on a dying horse.

Jon: Really? Could this be Melisandre’s prophecy come true? Is it Arya?! Oh wow. How am I going to keep her safe? Women aren’t supposed to be here at Castle Black. Plus she’s Ned Stark’s daughter, so I know when Stannis gets back he’ll just try to marry her off to one of his loyal lordlings. Hrm. Maybe I can make some arrangement with Tycho TO SEND ARYA TO BRAAVOS.

He said, un-ironically.

Jon: Hey now, narrator.

Sorry.

Jon: Anyway, off to go meet Arya!

He goes to meet Arya.

Jon: It’s not her. Hell, it’s not even Jeyne Poole.

Alys Karstark: Hey, I’m Alys Karstark. We met once or twice as kids.

Jon: Yeah, I remember you. Didn’t my dad want to marry you to Robb?

Alys: Yep, at one time. That’s all long-ago history now. Since that time, your dad and Robb died and so did my dad. I’m not sure how though. I haven't been kept in the loop on much.

Jon: Oh you haven’t heard the whole story yet, huh? Well, your dad, Lord Rickard, murdered some child prisoners in his custody to get revenge on the Lannisters. So Robb executed him.

Alys: Wow, I’m really glad I didn’t marry Robb then. That would have been awkward. My husband cutting off my dad’s head? That sounds like an episode of 20/20. I can practically hear Elizabeth Vargas narrating it now.

Jon: So anyway, sorry about that.

Alys: Oh, it’s okay. My dad was sort of a dick. As are other members of my family. Such as Arnolf, who is my great Uncle. He’s actually who I’m running from. Technically my brother Harrion is the heir to house Karstark now, but he’s a prisoner of the Lannisters. Arnolf wants power for himself though. He wants to declare for Stanin openly specifically so the Lannisters execute Harrion. He also wants me to marry his son, Cregan, after Harrion is executed so I’ll be the new heir - but really he and Cregan will seize the power. They’d probably make me have a child with him and then once the baby pops out… I vanish like one of Kim Il Jung’s relatives.

Jon: Eww, gross? He wants you to hook up with a relative? That would be like me hooking up with my Aunt or something.

Alys: Anyway, Cregan has been giving chase to me. He’s the worst. I need you to protect me!

Jon: Hrm. I’m not supposed to play a part in these issues. And if your family is declaring for Stannis, that should be a good thing. Maybe we should send word to Stannis and let him know--

Alys: --Oh, they’re only declaring for Stannis as a ploy. They don’t really plan to follow him. They’ve been courting Stannis and lying to him this whole time. Truly they’ve bene plotting with Roose Bolton and are waiting for Roose’s order to betray Stannis.

Jon: Well, shit!

Alys: Help me Obi-Wan Jon Snowey, you’re my only hope!

Jon: No. Not if you have terrible dialogue like that.

Alys: Still better than your dialogue the last two seasons. "SHE IS MY QUEEN."

Jon: Fair enough.

ADwD 43: Daenerys VII

Dany wakes up in bed, and sees her boy toy Daario smoking a pack of Newports.

Dany: Menthol cigarettes? Really?

Daario: *shurgs*

Dany: Ugh. I’m so close to my marriage day. Just a few more evenings left. I really don’t want to marry Hizdahr. But I have to.

Daario: No. You don’t have to. You could marry me instead.

Dany: You know I can’t do that. And I also need to remind you that once I’m married, it will be treason for you to sleep with me. So this relationship is pretty much over.

Daario: Well, I guess I’m just going to have to commit a LOT of treason, aren’t I?

Dany: God, you sexy jerk. Why can’t I quit you?

Daario: Oh, and by the way… do you plan on holding court any time soon?

Dany: No. I’ve been so busy with marriage preparations, I’ve had no time to hear petitions from people. Maybe after I’m married.

Daario: I think you should do it sooner. Remember those people from Westeros I brought over to your side? They wanted to meet with you. One of them says that they gave a gift. The guy named “Frog.”

Dany: Cool! Gimmie! Gimmie! Gimmie!

Daario: He wouldn’t give it to me though. He said it was only for you.

Dany: Fine, whatever. Frog is a dumb name anyway. I GUESS I can hold court soon. Not today though.

So another day happens, but that’s not important enough, so we skip to the next night. And then the morning after that.

Dany: What?! Wow, we’re skipping through time fast. Not cool. It will be my wedding, like, any day now.

Dany gets dressed, ready to hold the court that she promised everyone that she would hold. Everyone complements her on how beautiful she is.

Dany: Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Bunch of brown-nosers.

She holds court, and the first to petition her that day is the Green Grace.

Green Grace: Queen Dany, I have some concerns to raise with you. Concerns about the immoral actions and dickish behvaior of one SELLSWORD in your company.

Dany looks at the Green Grace. The Green Grace looks at Dany. Dany knows she’s talking about Daario. The whole court knows. This is the worst kept secret in the world.

Dany: *quietly* Oh, I can’t believe dis bish is bold enough to bring this shit up in front of the whole damn court. Aww hell no. *AHEM* YES, GREEN GRACE. I too share your concerns about that sellsword, BROWN BEN PLUMM. But it’s a little bit late to complain about him now since he’s already defected.

Green Grace: You know who I’m—

Dany: —Please, get the fuck out of my face now.

Dany waves her hands for the Green Grace to go away. She bows and departs.

She continues to hear petitions all day long. She’s super bored. But the petitions had really been piling up since she hasn’t done one of these in forever. Finally, at the end of the day,  Daario comes before her.

Daario: Hey sugartits. *golden tooth gleams*

Dany: Oh hay bae. Who do you have with you?

Daario: Those Westerosi Soldiers I was talking about you the other night.

Dany’s eyes pop wide open.

Daario: Did I say “night?” I mean “day.” The Westerosi Soldiers I was telling you about the other day.

Dany: Oh yeah, didn’t you say that one of them had some sort of gift for me?

Daario: Yes, it was—

—Before he can finish, the three Dornishmen step forward.

Gerris Drinkwater: Your Grace, my apologies for the deception to your men. But we are not three ordinary soldiers from Dorne. We are three knights, and we have come to you on an important mission from the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell. We have gone through many perils to get here to you, Queen. Our company started out larger, and several of our companions died, sacrificing themselves so that we could reach you.

Daario does a double take. Dany can tell that the Dornishmen deceived her sellsword captain and he had no clue.

Barristan: Claiming to be a knight is easy. Anyone can SAY they are a knight.

Gerris: This is true, Ser Barristan the Bold. Yeah, I recognize you. My true name is Ser Gerris Drinkwater. My colleagues are called Greenguts and Frog. Those are obviously not their real names.

Dany: I would hope not. Greenguts?

Archibald Yronwood: Yeah, my name is Ser Archibald Greenwood. The whole “Greenguts” thing was sort of an inside joke because on the ship over here I kept puking everywhere.

Dany: The men of Dorne stood by my father during the Usurper’s Rebellion. You have my respect and thanks. And I can’t exactly judge you all for coming to me in disguise, hiding your true identifies. That’s exactly what Barristan did too. I mean COME ON. “Not Barristan.” Hahaha. That was so lame.

Barristan: *blushes*

Frog: Your Grace, here is the gift that I promised for you.

He pulls out a sheet of paper.

Daario: DAFUQ? Really? A piece of paper. That’s a pretty worthless gift.

Daario snatches it from Frog’s hand. He looks at it real quick.

Daario: It says… uhh… uhh…

Dany: You can’t read, can you?

Daario: What? Hahahaha. Of course I can. *shifty eyes* Of course. It’s just… that… uhh… this is written in that Westerosi chicken scratch language. I can’t ready that. Obviously.

He hands it to the Queen.

Dany: HOLY SHIT! It’s signed by Ser Willem Darry. He was the knight who bravely smuggled me to Essos as a child. He was like a father figure to me and Viserys growing up. It’s a secret pact between Dorne and… well… the Targaryens. But Darry signs on behalf of us. It’s an agreement for a marriage alliance between Viserys and Arienne, the daughter of Prince Doran Martell. In return, the military forces of Dorne will support us to overthrow the usurper.

Frog: Yes Dany. My father wanted the alliance between Dorne and the Targaryens to remain solid. We never supported the usurper.

Dany: Wait… did you say… your father?

Frog: Ah yes, I forgot to reveal myself. I am not Frog… but…

He takes of a cape and does some fancy hand movements. It’s pretty lame.

Quentyn Martell: I am QUENTYN MARTELL, son of Prince Doran, ruler of Dorne. Nephew to Elia, the wife of Rhaegar.

Dany starts laughing. Nobody in court understands what’s funny. But she keeps on laughing.

Barristan: Your Grace?

Dany: No… it’s just… it’s just… hehehehe… there are all those legends of a Frog. And if you kiss it… it turns into a prince. And… he… he was named “Frog”… and… hehehe… he wound up being a secret prince. Hehehe. I guess you want me to kiss you, huh?

Quentyn: Well… uhh… yeah. That’s kind of the point.

Dany: Excuse me?

Quentyn: The marriage pact. Between Martell and Targaryen. It should still stand. Viserys is dead now. But...

Dany: What? Really? REALLY?! You want to MARRY ME? It’s a bit late for that. You should have come to me a year ago.

Quentyn: I don’t follow.

Dany: I’m getting married. Like, TOMORROW.

Quentyn: Oh… ermm… so this is awkward.

Dany: Yes. Yes, it is.

Daario: Hahaha… look at this little weak pipsqueak. No way is Dany interested in you. You’re not even remotely her type. I would know.

Gerris: Watch your words! You are talking to the Prince of Dorne. We offer the Queen the forces of all of Dorne to help you take back the Iron Throne.

Daario: The forces of all of Dorne? I count three. Three little liars who deceived me.

Barristan: Well, that probably wasn’t hard.

Daario: Huh?

Barristan: Your Grace, you will need the forces of Dorne to support you to take back the Iron Throne. You must put aside this planned marriage to Hizdahr at once, now that we have this new offer.

Skahaz: This weak little boy might serve for a Prince of Dorne, but he will not due as KING OF MEREEN. You need to marry Hizdahr, or Meereen will fall back into chaos.

Reznak: I agree. I have heard of Dorne. All they have to offer you is sand and scorpions.

Dany: Ooh. “Sand and Scorpions.” Band name?

Barristan: Wow. We haven’t had a band name suggestion in quite a few books.

Dany: Well, uhh… Prince Quentyn. This was cool and all. I will order Reznak to ensure you and your men are given splendid quarters here in Meereen and are treated like the nobles you are. I obviously have a lot of things to discuss with my advisors based on this recent… news. Don’t count on any miracles though, Frog boy.

Day ends court for the day and heads back to her chambers with the usual power players. Barristan argues that this changes everything. Dany says it changes nothing.

Dany: I will go through with my marriage, whether I love Hizdahr or not. That’s just how it’s going to be.

Dany starts to think about all her prophecies.

Dany: The sun’s son? What is the House Martell’s logo again?

Barristan: A sun.

Dany: DAMN IT! This was prophesized! All these visions. Betrayal. Perfumed Senechals. Why do prophecies always have to be friggin riddles that make no sense? UGH. It’s the night before my wedding. I can’t deal with this. EVERYBODY GET OUT!

Everybody starts to leave.

Dany: Not you, Daario. I need to… uhh… talk… strateg… uhh… whatever. Everyone knows. Who gives a shit?

They have tons of the sex.

When the morning comes, Dany wants one last go with Daario.

Daario: Nope. I’m done. Leaving the city. Adios.

Dany: *sigh* That’s probably for the better. I sort of keep having this fantasy about you crashing my wedding and running off with me.

Daario: Like in The Freaking Graduate?

Dany: Sort of.

Daario: I’m badass Daario Naharis. I’m a buff, muscled, ass-kicking he-man warrior sellsword with a cool purple pirate beard and a gold tooth. I wouldn’t do some pussy-ass shit that some skinny little nerd like Dustin Hoffman would do. Interrupt a wedding? Lame. Only if it were to behead the groom and inform everyone that the bride is pregnant with my child.

Dany: Ah, well that’s actually what I was thinking of too, actually. So we’re on the same page here.

Daario: Oh, well that’s NOTHING like The Graduate. So I’m not sure why you said your fantasy was “sort of” like The Graduate.

Dany: Only sort of. Just more badass. Like you said.

Daario: Whatever. Bye.

He leaves.

Dany sighs.

Missandei: You know, Dany. It’s not too late to cancel this whole thing. I know you don’t want to marry Hizdahr.

Dany: No Missandei, it is too late. A queen married for duty, not for love. Come on, let’s get this over with.

She heads out to the wedding. On the way to the ceremony, she runs into Quentyn one last time.

Quentyn: Please Dany! I sort of need this! And you need Dorne to win back the Iron Throne.

Dany: One day I will return to the Seven Kingdoms, and I will need Dorne’s help. But today? Today I marry to save this city.

Quentyn: Can’t someone else save this city? Like maybe a billionaire playboy who is also an archer who was stranded on an Asian island for five years, only to come back with a list of the evil people in this city who deserved to be killed, that was given to him by his regretful father who committed suicide to make sure that he could live?

Dany: Why are you describing the plot of the CW’s “Arrow” to me?

Quentyn: Oh? Was I?

Dany keeps going. She goes to the ceremony. They do all the feet washing and all of that.

Dany: Nasty. Are these corns?

Hizdahr: Hey look, these are medieval times. It’s not like we have Dr. Scholl’s cushion gels. You should be glad my only problem is a foot corn. I could be like all those people dying of plague.

Dany: Oh yeah. That.

Dany looks around. She sees some of graces near the Green Grace. But some of the other graces she used to see are gone. Have they died of the plague too?  She tried everything she could to keep the plague outside of the city. She closed up the city walls so none of the refugees from Astapor could get in. Yet the plague somehow did get in. Death was spreading through her city.

Happy wedding day!

ADwD 42: The King’s Prize (Asha II)

Asha Greyjoy is riding in a wagon, all chained up and a captive of the army of Stannis Baratheon.  They are on their way to Winterfell, 100 leagues away from Deepwood Motte.

Asha: Leagues? Isn’t that a nautical term.

Soldier: Well yeah. But it can also be used on land. Either way, it roughly refers to three miles.

Asha: Okay, maybe it was just a maritime bias, given that I worship a water god and stuff.

Solider: It should take about 15 days to get there.

Other Solider: Robert Baratheon could have done it in 10 days!

Soldier: Really? Don’t mention that in front of Stannis. He’ll probably throw you on the fire next. You know how he hates people talking about how his brother is so much better than him.

Other Solider: Well Robert could have.

Solider: Dude, you have a mancrush on a dead fat king… you might need to talk to a psychologist about that.

Other Solider: Shut up. Robert killed my family back in the day. But you know how Robert is! He had a way of turning his enemies into his friends. They bend the knee to him and all is forgiven.

Asha: Hey! That’s what I did.  Once Stannis captured me, I bent the knee and begged for him to spare my men.

Solider: Lady, nobody was talking to you. This is our conversation.

Asha: Incorrect. You were talking to me. About leagues.

Soldier: Oh yeah, that’s right. Still, shut up. You’re our prisoner.

Asha: I know Stannis didn’t spare my men because he has mercy. He wants me as a valuable prisoner. Too bad he doesn’t realise how bad of a bargaining chip I am. I lost my battles and I lost at the Kingsmoot. I’m damaged goods, in their eyes. He thinks he can trade me in for something, but I’m probably worthless to the Iron Isles now. Especially because society is sexist and doesn’t value women, nor think them effective warriors.

Alysane Mormont: Bullshit! Look at me here. I’m serving in Stannis’s army, and I’m valuable to him. I gave him all of Bear Island’s forces. Bear Island has many female warriors.

Asha: Oh cool. I guess we can become best friends then. GIRL POWER! Two women warriors on the same side! Right? Because I bent the knee to Stannis, so we’re on the same side now.

Alysane: Excuse me, you didn’t allow me to finish. I meant to say that Bear Island has many female warriors because centuries upon centuries of raiders from the Iron Islands who raped and murdered all of us for fun. You made us this way.

Asha: Soooooo… you’re welcome?

Alysane: …

Asha: Oh come on. I don’t see how you can be allied with this Stannis guy. All his followers worship that R’hollor god. They think your gods are demons. They probably want to burn you.

Alysane: Well, Stannis has forbade that stuff for now.

Up next comes Ser Justin Massey. You might remember him from debating with Jon Snow over a lot of stuff and overall being a giant douche.

Justin: Well, my name is Justin. So it’s not that surprising that I’m a douche.

Hey creeps up on Asha.

Justin: Heeeeey girl. You’re cute.

Asha: Oh come on, don’t think I see right through this. You’re a mediocre, nobody knight in the service of Stannis who is destined to never get any major title or Lordship. You know that I’m a Princess of the Iron Isles, since my father was King Balon, and you hope that when Stannis wins and the Iron Isles are defeated, I will be appointed as Queen and maybe Stannis will make you King or something.  Nice try. It ain’t gonna happen.

Justin: Maybe. Maybe not.

Asha: I’d like to see you try to defeat my Uncle Crow's Eye for the Iron Isles. He would eat you for breakfast.

Justin: Oh come on, you’re totally into me. Don’t lie. Here, let me unchain your ankles to prove I’m really cool and that you should have sex with me.

He unchains her ankle fetters.

Solider: ANYWAY! I think we’re making great time. All we have to do is make about 20 miles a day. That should be easy.

That night, the temperature drops and the snows begin. They’re slowed down to 14 miles a day.

The snow doesn’t stop though.

At all.

The northern soldiers seem to be okay with it.

Mormont Soldier: Hell yeah! I brought my snowshoes! This is so much fun! Let’s go skiing.

Things are not going so well for Stannis’s southern soldiers though.

Southern Soldier: My balls literally just froze off. Look!

He points at his balls, laying in the snow.

A few nights later, as it snows even more. Asha is invited in to Stannis’s tent for dinner as a courtesy, as she’s of “noble” birth.

Asha: Hey, Your Grace. This food is cool and all, but what I’d really like is for these chains to be removed from my wrists. You know how your brother used to turn his enemies into his friends? This would go a long way in doing the same. I’ll be loyal to you. Make me one of your King’s men and I’ll serve you well.

Stannis shoots her a look of death.

Stannis: The gods didn’t make you a man… so how could I?

He drops the mic and walks away.

Justin: DAYUM Asha, did you not pay attention to anything those soldiers were saying earlier about not comparing Stannis to his brother? He hates that.

Over the next several days, they slow to a crawl in the snow, only moving a few miles a day.

Asha: What day is it?

Justin: Day 20.

Asha: I thought we’d get there in 15 days.

Justin: Well… nope.

Asha: How much further?

Justin: We’re less than half way there. At this pace that we’ve slowed to? I think maybe 30 years.

By now, they have lost wagons, horses, and men.  Food and firewood is getting scarce.

Queen’s Man: We should start making sacrifices to the Lord of Light. Burn a few people and things will be going great.

Stannis: NO! Stop trying to get me to burn people. I would never.

Queen’s Man: Are you sure? What about your daughter?

Stannis: WHAT?! THAT’S A TERRIBLE THING TO SUGGEST! YOU THINK I’M SOME SORT OF MONSTER?!

Asha’s wagon then breaks down. There are no supplies to repair it, so it’s abandoned and she’s forced to begin walking through the snow herself. After all the days she has been in bondage, it’s hard for her to walk.

Day 24.

Solider: Well, we’re out of vegetables.

Day 32.

Soldier: Well, now we’re out of grains or anything to feed the horses with.

Asha: So what exactly are we supposed to eat?

Soldier: The good news is that all our horses are dying. So we have plenty of raw horse meat.

Other Soldier: UGH. What the hell? Why are we going to Winterfell? We should just abandon this stupid clusterfuck of a trip now.

Soldier: I think we’re doing it to save some Stark daughter or something.

Other Solider: REALLY?! We’re all dying for some dumb Stark girl?

Solider: Stop being a whiny little bitch.

Other Solider: SCREW YOU!

The two start fighting. Morale and discipline is falling apart on the march, which can no longer really be called a “march.”

Morgan Liddle: Hi Asha.

Asha: Who are you?

Morgan: Oh, I’m the guy that almost murdered you at Deepwood Motte. I just wanted to apologize. It was the heat of battle and everything.

Asha: Okay. That’s cool, I guess. I mean we were enemies, so you were supoposed to kill me.

Morgan: Actually, I wanted to apologize for calling you a cunt. It was rude. You know, I really consider myself a MALE FEMINIST.

Asha: *rolls eyes*

Finally, they reach a small, abandoned crofter’s village near two lakes and a watchtower.

Stannis: We’ll camp here for the night. We’ll be able to get fish from the lake and a little rest. But no more than one night! We need to keep moving!

And so they all go to sleep that night. Asha goes into her tent, which she shares with Alysane Mormont. Who snores, by the way.

When the dawn comes, Asha unzips the tent. She sees only white. Over night, the snow fell higher than the tent.

She digs her way out and sees Stannis’s camp is entirely buried. There is no way to go. They cannot go. They are stuck.

Asha: Well, I suppose I always imagined I would die in a battle at sea, coveted in the blood of my foes. But I guess I’m going to have to settle for “starvation and hypothermia in a small village after I bent the knee to an enemy.” I guess that’s cool too.

Alysane: Hey, I recognize this village. It’s called “Donner Village.”

Asha: Shit.