ASoS 70: Tyrion X

Tyrion wonders about life in the Night’s Watch if he confesses to the crime of murdering the King.

Tyrion: I almost wishes I DID kill Joffrey since I’m going to be punished for it anyway.

Podrick: Dude, you totally killed him though. Right?

Tyrion: Geez. Even you think I’m guilty? Well, then I’m definitely doomed.

It’s day ten million of Tyrion’s trial… which is taking forever. The next witness to come in is Shae.

Tyrion: WHAT THE HELL?!

Shae: Oh yeah. I was Tyrion’s whore. I didn’t want to be. But he made me! He made me have sex with him, even though I didn’t want to. The night before the King was murdered he met me in the dark cellars beneath the Throne where the old dragon jaws are located. He made me call him “my giant of Lannister” and made me do all sorts of things to him. Dirty things. Things with the butt. And he made me call him huge. Again and again. He kept insisting that I call him “huge.”

Everyone in the court (except for Tywin) starts laughing uncontrollably.

Tyrion is full of rage, but keeps it together because he’s totally in shock.

Shae: Oh, and when he forcing me to have sex with him he was also like, “Oh yeah. Me and my wife, Sansa, are going to poison King Joffrey later today. And then we’re going to kill Cersei, Tywin and Tommen and I’ll take the throne myself and be king.”

Tyrion: SILENCE! SILENCE! ENOUGH!

Tywin: Tyrion, I have warned you many times not to interrupt! If you do so again, you will be—

Tyrion: --Is it a confession you want? FINE! That’s enough. Get this lying whore out of here and I will provide you all with a confession.

And so Shae is quickly led away. Tyrion wonders what exactly Cersei has given Shae to have her turn like that. But at least he now knows the answer to if Shae really ever loved him or felt anything for him… or if she was just a whore that liked his money.
Tyrion: I confess… I confess to the crime of being a dwarf!

Tywin: You are not on trial for being a dwarf, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Oh, am I not? I have been on trial for being a dwarf my whole life! I didn’t kill that shit Joffrey… BUT I WISH I HAD! I wish I had enough poison to kill this whole entire court. I saved all of your asses in the Battle of the Blackwater, and this is how you betray me? FUCK YOU ALL! You’re a bunch of duplicitous liars and assholes. You want your trial? WELL I DEMAND A TRIAL… BY COMBAT!

Court: WOO-HOO!!!! TRIAL BY COMBAT!

Everyone is cheering except for Tywin, who says nothing… and Cersei, who just laughs.

Cersei: HAHAHA. Okay. Great! Trial by Combat accepted! I name my champion… The Mountain that Rides, Ser Gregor Clegane!

Court: WOOOO!!! YEAH! MOUNTAIN!

Tywin: Hrm. Well, I guess we’re going to have a fight between Tyrion and the Mountain then, huh? Because obviously nobody here is going to stand up and fight for Tyri—

The Red Viper: --I WILL FIGHT ON BEHALF OF TYRION.

Court: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! WOOOOOOO!!!!! BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!

Tywin: Man. This is causing such a migraine. You know what? I’m washing my hands of this whole entire thing. Bye, Felicia. You all do what you want and have the fight tomorrow.

Tywin walks away.

In his chamber/prison that night, Tyrion feels oddly at peace with his decision.

Tyrion: I win no matter what happens. I totally screwed up my dad’s plans! Although, you know, I do hope I don’t die.

Tyrion sleeps surprisingly well that night, for a man whose life will be decuided by a battle the next day.  But when the dawn comes, he asks to see his champion.

Tyrion: Ah Prince Oberyn, thanks so much for that. I hope you use a BIG sword to kill the Mountain with. Or maybe pick a gun as your weapon. Yeah. A semi-automatic should be good.

Red Viper: Nah, I’m going to use a spear.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Red Viper: Yeah, that’s how we roll in Dorne.

Tyrion: You’re going to fight a gigantic knight in armor… with a spear? You know… a spear that is a stick with a point on the end? The weapon that was designed by cave men!

Red Viper: Everything Paleo is in now, dude. Haha, but seriously… don’t touch the pointy end because it’s totally covered in poison.

Tyrion: Oh, thank the gods.

Red Viper: Hey, you know after I win… you’re going to want to leave King’s Landing, right? You should come down with me to Dorne and we can hang out with QUEEN Myrcella.

Tyrion: Hahaha, great foreshadowing of the Chapters that are about to come, Oberyn! That sounds like it will be a great adventure! Because we know you have to win! After all, I am an important main character and if you lose then I die. And we know I can’t die. And you’re too cool of a character to lose.  So it will be off to Dorne for us!

Red Viper: Indeed. Finally I will have revenge for my murdered sister Elia. Now let me tell you the FULL story of me and Elia’s first trip to the Seven Kingdoms, including Casterly Rock. You know? When I first met you as a little baby. You see, the actual reason we were coming was because—

Tyrion: --Blah blah blah. Can we just get to the cool fighting part?

Red Viper: Sure.

Later…

Mike Tirico: Hey there, fans! Mike Tirico and Shaq with you… here for the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! It’s Red Viper versus the Mountain. Years ago, the Mountain murdered the Red Viper’s sister and nephew. Allegedly!  Now he’s back for revenge!

Shaq: Icy Hot.

Mike Tirico: A HUGE crowd has gathered here to watch this duel.  OH… Oh… and it looks like it’s starting immediately! No wait here! Looks like the Red Viper is walking right up to the Mountain.

Red Viper: I am Oberyn Martell. Do you remember me? You murdered my sister and nephew.

Mountain: I have no fucking clue who you are, dude.

Red Viper: Hrm. I can’t tell if you’re lying to me or if you’re just really fucking stupid.

The Red Viper then attacks first. The Mountain defends.

Mike Tirico: OH! Sneaky attack there by the Red Viper, but the Mountain was able to counter and push the spear strike away.

Shaq: And that’s why they call him the Red Viper, Mike. For those lightning fast attacks. And, you know, for the poisoned weapons. If the Red Viper catches the Mountain with that speartip, not even extra strength Icy Hot will be able to make the Mountain feel any better.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Mike Tirico: Well, it looks like the author of the Jingle of Ice and Fire is going immediately to the wholly predictable Princess Bride references for this battle scene by comparing the Red Viper to Inigo Montoya. It’s a joke that literally every single viewer of this Game of Thrones episode made when it aired.  Is there anything new or interesting added by this blog also repeating the same joke? Absolutely not. But here we are!

The Red Viper strikes again.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

The two fight back and forth. Attacks and counters. Counters and attacks.
Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Mountain: STOP SAYING THAT!!!!

The Mountain runs at Oberyn and takes a huge swing. But he misses and runs into the audience, killing a stableboy.

Mike Tirico: OH! The Mountain just murdered an innocent bystander and the crowd is fleeing! Let’s turn to the match referee and see if the Mountain will be disqualified for this!

Everyone turns and looks.

Referee: Meh.

Mike Tirico: AND SO WE GO ON!


Shaq: I guess that's what happens when we use Pro Wrestling Referees.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Moutain: STOP THAT!!!!!

Red Viper: YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU MURDERED HER CHILD!

Mountain: Oh, thank you for mixing it up. That’s a little better. If there is one thing I hate, it’s repetition. I tell myself that over and over.

The Red Viper strikes forward and slices the Mountain in the knee.

Mountain: AGH!!!!

Mike Tirico: OH! A devastating wound there! If that spear tip is poisoned like I think it might be… this could be the end for the Mountain that Rides!

Clegane collapses to the ground. Oberyn runs up to him and spears him right in the chest.

Red Viper: ELLLIIIAAAAAAAA! This is for you!

Tyrion: YES! YES! YES! OHMYGOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH IN THE WORLD! YES! I’M GOING TO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Mike Tirico: Well, I think this is all over folk! The Red Viper, Oberyn Martell, just skewered The Mountain like a kebab. He’s surely done for now!

The Red Viper walks closer.

Red Viper: DO NOT DIE YET! I WANT THAT CONFESSION!

The Mountain: Your name is "Martell," huh? *cough*cough*  Yeah… that sounds… sounds a bit familiar. Yeah. Elia Martell. *cough*cough* I’m so weak now. Sorry my voice isn’t that loud, what with this spear going through my lungs. How about you lean a bit closer so that you can hear my full confession?

Red Viper: Sure, that sounds like a sensible idea!

The Mountain: Yeah. *cough* Elia Martell. You know what? I did rape her and kill her. And when I killed her it went a bit something like this.

The Mountain grabs onto Oberyn’s head and smashes his face in, immediately killing him.

Tyrion: WHHHHAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU---

Remaining Crowd that Didn’t Run Away in Fear: WOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! AMAZING ENDING!

Mike Tirico: I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW, FANS! THE MOUNTAIN WINS! THE MOUNTAIN WINS!

Shaq: An amazing turnaround there, Mike. Although The Mountain appears to be mortally wounded. Both of them will be dead soon!

Mike Tirico: And that’s not the only one who will be dead soon. As you all know, this Trial by Combat is a way for the gods to decide the guilt or innocence of Tyrion Lannister. And by the Mountain’s victory, admittedly a pretty Pyrrhic victory since he’s going to die too, it means that Tyrion Lannister – the former Hand of the King and his uncle – is also going to be executed quite soon.

Tyrion: *vomits everywhere in shock*

Guards grab Tyrion and take him. Not back to is tower cell. But to the black cells below the Red Keep where Ned Stark was kept prior to his execution.

Mike Tirico: What a day here in Kings Landing! Well, I think that about wraps it all up. A short but definite match, and one that we’ll be talking about for the ages. I mean it was no Joe Louis versus Max Schmeling or anything, but still.

Shaq: Today’s fight to the death was brought to you by Icy Hot! Try the new Smart Relief Back and Hip Pain Therapy. Turn on Smart Relief. Turn off Back Pain.

Mike Tirico: This Icy Hot running joke is wearing a bit thin. I mean I get that the novels are “Ice and Fire” and this is “Icy Hot,” but still.

Shaq: You shut your damn mouth and stop talking smack about Icy Hot, Tirico!

ASoS 69: Jon IX

Jon is atop the Wall sleeping. Probably dreaming about dead-ass Ygritte since this is Chapter 69 after all. Huh? Huh? Get it? You know what I mean!

Owen the Oaf kicks Jon awake.
Jon: Ow, hey!

Owen: What were you dreaming about?

Jon: Why do I have to answer that question? Who the hell is Owen the Oaf? Why do all these random new characters keep showing up?

Owen: *shrugs*

Jon: Anyway, I was… uh… dreaming about King Robert coming to save us. But I guess he’s dead now. So nobody will ever come and save us.

Jon is exhausted.  They have been fighting for day and night… day after day… against Mance’s forces. The latest thing that Mance has been throwing against them? A giant “turtle.” It’s hard to explain, so let’s just say it’s sort of like a tank.
Jon: What’s up with this turtle/tank thing? And what happened to all those people at Mole’s Town that I sent Zei to bring back and help us with?

Owen: Oh, Zei and all the people of Mole’s Town left and never came back. The place is abandoned now.

Jon: UGH. We just introduced Zei in my last POV chapter. Why bother introducing her, only to have her vanish and never be seen again? THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS!

Jon also thinks about the news that came in about Bown Marsh’s “victory” over the Wildlings at the Shadow Tower. Sure, his forces won. But it was all just a game by Mance to send most of Castle Black’s army off and leave the main fortress undefended.

Meanwhile, the turtle/tank is being readied to crash into the gate.

Jon: Well, if they break down that gate… we are all fucked! The Wildlings will invade Westeros. So how about we rain some firey arrows down on it or something? Does that seem like a good idea?

They do that. It doesn’t work.
Jon: Okay, how about scorpion bolts? Catapult stones? Barrels filled with rocks and frozen water that we drop onto it?

They try all of those things. Finally, that frozen ice/rock thing works. The top of the turtle/tank thing is crushed and all the Wildlings that were in/under it go running away.

The men on the Wall all celebrate.

Men: HUZZAH!

Jon: Okay, well. That’s just one attack. There will be more. There are thousands and thousands of them. That’s only a minor setback.

Jon heads down to his room to go to sleep. When he wakes up, he sees four people standing over him that he doesn’t recognize.

Jon: What the f---AGHH!!!

They grab him and haul him off to the chambers that once belonged to Lord Mormont. In there, he finds a bunch of people he doesn’t know along with Maester Aemon, Alliser Thorne, and a drunk-ass Septon Cellador.

Mystery Man: So, this is the traitor and turncloak, huh? No wonder! He’s Stark’s bastard boy. Ned Stark was a traitor too, so it must run in his blood. And he’s a bastard so that’s even worse.

Jon: HEY! Nobody talks shit about my dad like that! I’ll mess you all up! Who the hell are you? Freaking Eastwatch people? Ugh. Eastwatch is the worst, everybody knows that.

Mystery Man: I am JANOS SLYNT, Lord of Harrenhal and now the Commander of Castle Black!

Jon: Says who?

Allister Thorne: Shut your mouth, turncloak!

Janos: So tell it true, bastard. You abandoned the Night’s Watch, joined Mance Rayder, and took a Wildling woman  to bed with you?

Jon: No! It’s not true! Well, the woman part is true. But I was following Qhorin Halfhand’s orders. He made me do all that stuff, so that I could spy on Mance. He made get the Wildling’s trust and learn of their plans.

Janos: And he made you sleep with that girl?

Jon: Well, you know. He didn’t exactly make me do that. It was just sort of a bonus thing. He said I had to do whatever they asked of me, and while the Halfhand probably wasn’t explicitly thinking of me having sex with a ginger… I sort of interpreted his instructions broadly.

Janos: Un huh.

Jon: But as soon as I had the chance to escape them… I did! I never killed anyone for the Wildlings. I never fought against the Watch!

Janos: Oh yeah? Well I have a witness who will testify otherwise!  BRING THE WITNESS IN!

They bring in the Lord O Bones, Rattleshirt.

Lord O Bones: ‘Sup Jon?

Jon: Oh shit… you?!

Lord O Bones: Yeah. So… uhm… I get a full pardon or something for testifying, right? Because I’ll tell you everything. Jon Snow MURDERED Qhorin Halfhand. I saw it with my own eyes. He and his Wolf killed him and they joined Mance. It’s true.

Everyone: *GASP*

Jon: HE MADE ME! It was the only way we could ensure that I got the trust of Mance. We were surrounded by Rattleshirt and his men. They were going to kill us both. The Halfhand knew that we would BOTH be dead and all our sacrifices would be in vain. One of us had to survive. So he acted out in front of Rattleshirt and pretended like I had already betrayed him. He made me fight him to the death and kill him so that Rattleshirt would take me alive and bring me to Mance. Then I could spy on them all. And I got all sorts of great intel about the Horn of Jaromír Jágr – a magical artifact that could bring down the Wall!

Janos: Really? REALLY? That’s a pretty convienient excuse. And pray tell… what exact great intel did you get about this as part of this secret mission that the Halfhand sent you on?

Jon: Uh. I guess I got the info that the Wildlings never found it and… I dunno… maybe it’s all a lie and doesn’t even exist.

Janos: Oh, GREAT INTEL there. Just SUPREME.

Jon: It’s true! And I escaped the Wildlings and ran back to warn everyone that the Wildlings were coming!

Janos: Yes. AFTER we already knew the Wildlings were coming.

Alliser: Lord Snow has always been a turncloak, Lord Janos. Why, he probably was part of the plotters that murdered Mormont. Benjen Stark was probably involved too.

Jon holds up his hand.

Jon: So you see this hand? This burned hand? I burned this SAVING Lord Commander Mormont. And my Uncle would never betray his vows!

Dunk-Ass Septon Cellador: *hiccup*… Vows? What do you know of vows, boy? You wouldn’t even swear your vows to the Seven!

Jon: I swore my vows to the Old Gods!

Janos: Eww. You’re a different religion than me? That’s the WORST. You’re guilty just like your father.

Jon: My father was MURDERED by some fucking pussy asshole in Kings Landing, thanks to some gold cloak pussy who sold him out.

Everyone: *gasp*

Allister: Dude, you know that gold cloak pussy was Janos, right?

Aemon: Good men, while all of you were gone… it was Jon Snow who helped defend this castle. He has been fighting against Mance and saving us all.

Janos: As a way to protect himself and try to get back into our good graces after betraying us! But I know the way of the wolves! TAKE HIM TO THE PRISON! He will be hanged soon for treason.

And so Thorne grabs Jon to lead him off to a prison cell. Jon snaps and grabs Alliser by throat and lifts him off the ground. Thorne begins to pee his pants a little when the Eastwatch men come to pull Jon away.
Allister: You see? That boy is a savage! An animal! The same as his wolf!

Jon is led off to a prison cell. Which is honestly not much different than his actual room. Castle Black is a bleak, depressing place that’s already sort of a prison.

ASoS 68: Sansa VI

Sansa has been seasick for most of her trip at sea.

Sansa: *vomits everywhere*

See? 

Anyway, she has dreams about Joffrey’s death. Which is actually pretty cool. So it’s not at all a nightmare.

Littlefinger walks in on her, like a creeper.

Littlefinger: Oh, hey girl. Trying to sleep, huh? Cool. I was just staring at you.

Sansa: Gross. Anyway, I keep having dreams about Joffrey’s death. I wonder if my “husband” Tyrion was really behind it all.

Littlefinger: Oh, Tyrion’s hands are far from clean. After all, he sticks them inside of pox-infested whores all the time. Hey, speaking of your husband and whores… did you know that he was married once before? Yeah. And once he got bored of her, he had her passed around to a bunch of Lannister guards and watched as they ran a train on her. He probably meant to do the same to you, one day.

Sansa: Well, that seems like somewhat of a distortion of facts, but then again I am talking to you, Littlefinger. So that’s just par for the course.

Littlefinger: Harsh, but fair. Anyway… LAND HO! We’re finally arriving home!

Sansa gets up and looks out.

Sansa: Well, that’s not Winterfell.

Littlefinger: No, it’s the Fingers. It’s MY home!

Sansa: When you said you were taking me “home,” you were clearly deceiving me.

Littlefinger: True. I’m taking you to the Vale. I’m going to marry your Aunt Lysa.

Sansa: Ugh.

Littlefinger: But first we stop by where I grew up! HERE!

They get off the ship. They are on some poor farmland, surrounded by huts and sheep shit.

Sansa: Nasty. This is where you’re from?

Littlefinger: Yep. Not exactly the pinnacle of civilization, but then again it’s far away from Varys’s spies. Here you will be safe until we continue onward to the Vale. Oh, and by the way… when I show up to the Vale, Kings Landing won’t exactly be happy that I have Sansa Stark with me. So we need to give you a new identity.

Sansa: Can I be Jean Grey from X-Men?

Littlefinger: No.

Sansa: Damn.

Littlefinger and Sansa are greeted by a bunch of people who are Littlefinger’s household staff. Do you need to remember them? No. You will never see any of them ever again. So why bother?
Bryen: Hey!

Grisel: Yeah, that’s no fair.

Kella: Yeah, you think our role in this chapter would at least be covered a little.

Nope.

Littlefinger: Here Sansa, have some wine. And you probably need a bath. Let me watch you bathe.

Sansa: No thanks. I know you’re trying to get me drunk, you pedo.

Littelfinger: Pedo? No! No! Of course not. I’m like a father figure to you. In fact, that will be your new identity. You will pretend to be my bastard daughter, Alayne Stone. I’ll name you after my mom.

Sansa: So I’m a “daughter” figure to you, and yet you want to name me after your mom and have sex with me. Dude, you really need to see a psychologist. Big time.

Littlefinger: Look. Just remember your damn new name.

Sansa: “Alayne Stone.”

Littlefinger: Yes. Yes. Good. I think you’ll be a good player in this game. A better player than your father, at least.

Sansa: Game?

Littlefinger: Yes! The Game of Th—

Sansa lunges over the table and stops Baelish from saying it.

Sansa: Please don’t actually say it. I’m tired of that recurring Pee-Wee joke. It’s just not funny. Recurring jokes where someone says a key word and then an action happens in response to that key word are just not funny. I don’t know why we keep doing those jokes.

Suddenly, green slime falls all over Sansa because she said “I Don’t Know.”

Sansa: Really? REALLY? A You Can’t Do That on Television joke? How many people are going to get that one?

Littlefinger: My point is, there are two types of people in the Game of Th—ermm… nevermind, but there are two types of people. Players and pieces.

Sansa: You trying to say I’m a piece.

Littlefinger: Mmm mmm gurl, you are a piece, that’s for sure. A piece of ayass!

Sansa: *blinks without emotion*

Littlefinger: But I mean to make you into a player. Or a playa, really. Like me.  Don’t be offended by being a piece. We all start off as pieces. Some people who think they are players are actually still pieces. Take Cersei, for example. This whole time she thinks she was in control. But you know what she is? Utterly predictable. She craves power but wouldn’t know what to do with it if she got it.

Sansa: So what are you trying to tell me, Mr. “Player?” Are you responsible for Dontos poisoning Joffrey?

Littlefinger: Haha, Dontos didn’t do shit. He was never left with such an important task.

Just then, Oswell shows up. Remember him from the last Sansa chapter?

Sansa: Sort of, but not really.

She said he looked sort of familiar.

Sansa: Oh, right. Hey Oswell. You look sort of familiar.

Oswell: Yes. My name is Oswell… Oswell Kettleblack.

Sansa: Ah, I see. Like all those other Kettleblacks that are loyal to Cersei. HEY! Wait a minute…

Littlefinger: Hahah, you see what I mean about Cersei thinking that she’s a player? Those Kettleblacks that are so “loyal” to her… they really work for me!

Sansa: So did they poison Joffrey?

Littlefinger: No. Ask yourself… where did the poison come from?

Sansa: My hairnet?

Littlefinger: Right! And did anyone touch your hairnet or tussle with it in the minutes prior to Joffrey’s death?

Sansa: No, only Lady Olenna who was fixing my hair, but she--- OH CRAP! THE QUEEN OF THORNES?!

Littlefinger: Yeup.

Sansa: That lady is BAD-ASS!

Littlefinger: True. Remember… it was I that was sent by the Lannisters to make peace between Joffrey and the Tyrells! It was I that returned with Renly and the Tyrell armies for the Battle of the Blackwater, and I that led the discussions about a marriage contract between Margaery Tyrell and Joffrey. So what did I do when they asked what kind of a person Joffrey was? I told them the truth and they were horrified. They knew what Loras would do once Joffrey beat his sister. He’d kill Joffrey. Which is the result that everyone wanted anyway. But what if we could get Joffrey out of the way and have Margaery marry Tommen instead? The cute, innocent, docile boy? Everyone would get what they want! The Tyrells get Margaery married to the king and she becomes a queen, she doesn’t get beaten or abused… the whole kingdom gets rid of a shitty, tyrant, and I get to piss off Cersei and continue to fuck around and manipulate people. Chaos is an Escalator.

Sansa: Cool. Well, that’s all in the past now. I guess we just wait here until we go to the Vale, huh?

Eight days later…

Lysa: It’s me!

Lysa Arryn and her entourage shows up to Littlefinger’s sheep shit village.

Sansa: Oh shit. My crazy-ass aunt! Geez. Isn’t she younger than my mom? How come she looks 15 years older?

Lysa: Oh Petyr! PETYR!

She runs up and starts kissing and groping Littlefinger.

Littlefinger: Whoa, calm down babe. And let me introduce you to my bastard daughter, Alayne Stone.

Lysa pulls out a switch blade and starts pointing it at every female around her.

Lysa: Bastard daughter? You had sex with another woman? WHERE?! I’LL KILL HER! I’LL KILL HER! I’LL GUT HER LIKE FISH!

Littlefinger: Calm down, Lysa. You know that you’re the only woman for me. Why would I be interested in another woman when I have you now? We should, like, get married pretty soon.

Lysa: YES! YES! I MUST HAVE YOU TONIGHT! RIDE ME, COWBOY! RIDE ME HARD!

Littlefinger: Well, let’s wait until I get married.

Lysa: Then let’s get married NOW!

Littlefinger: Uh, we should wait until we get back to the Vale. So that we can have a large, public ceremony in front of everyone.

Lysa: NO! I CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG! I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE! MARRY ME NOW SO WE CAN DO THE NASTY TONIGHT!

Littlefinger: Well, I mean nothing will prevent us from doing the nasty tonight anyway, even if we’re not married. Right? I mean we did it in the past.

Littlefinger shakes his head as if he’s disgusted.

Littlefinger: But… if you insist…

And so they get married. Right there. An impromptu wedding festival happens. At the festival, a very drunk Marillion comes up to Sansa.

Marillion: Hey gurl. Let’s have sex.

Sansa: Eww. Gross. No. I have no idea who you are.

Marillion: HEY! I’m an important character! I know I haven’t been seen since A Game of Thrones… but I was pretty notable in that book. I’m the singer, Marillion!

Sansa: Never heard of you.

Marillion: I was in the Crossroads Inn when both your mom, Cat, and your future husband, Tyrion, crossed paths there. She had him arrested and brought here to the Vale. I followed the group as a singer, and made songs about the whole journey.

Sansa: Oh. I vaguely remember you. Didn’t you leave the vale with Tyrion or something and come to Kings Landing? Then you were singing bawdy songs about how the Lannisters were involved in King Robert’s death and Ser Ilyn Payne cut your tongue out? I remember that. Joffrey was all “Your fingers or your tongue?”

Marillion: No, that was just in the TV show. In the books that was a different, unnamed singer who you saw stand before Joffrey. In the books I just stayed in the Vale and became one of Lysa’s favorites. I sexually harass all the women in the Value and then the WOMEN get in trouble because I kiss Lysa’s ass and tell her how beautiful she is. She’s totally in love with me and I could get away with murder. So anyway, let’s have sex.

Sansa: No, get away from me, creeper.

Marillion: Well, in addition to getting away with murder I can also get away with rape. So I guess I’m just going to do that to you.

Sansa: OH GOD… WHEN WILL IT END?! WHEN WILL MY CHARACTER STOP BEING ABUSED?!

Marillion starts to run after her, but then Littlefinger’s buddy Lothar Brune shows up.

Lothar: Is this asshole bothering you, Sansa? Remember how I crossbowed Dontos for you? I can do the same to this guy.

Marillion: AGH!!!

He starts to run away.

Sansa: No, it’s okay. You don’t need to kill him. But thanks for saving me.

Lothar: No problem.

Sansa heads to bed that night, and again has nightmares. Of course, she’s also woken up by really loud sounds.

Lysa: OH YES! PETYR! PETYR! YES! YES! STICK IT IN ALL MY HOLES! YES! LETS MAKE A BABY TONIGHT! YES! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER! NOW GO ASS TO MOUTH! YES! MMM!!!!

Sansa: Oh Jesus.

Sansa stuffs a pillow over her head to block out all the screaming.

The next dawn comes and she gets up, having had a miserable night with barely any sleep at all.

Littlefinger: Ah, “Alayne,” there you are. Hope you had a good night.

Sansa: I did not.

Littlefinger: Oh, by the way… I told Lysa the  truth about who you are. I let her know that you’re really Cat’s daughter, and that’s why you should come with us to the Vale for protection. But this has to be a secret between just a few people, okay? Most people must not know!

Sansa: Well I’m glad you had some time to have some conversation last night inbetween all that loud sex that will give me even MORE horrible nightmares. That will never leave my head.

Lysa shows up.

Lysa: Ah, there you are. I should have known you were Cat’s daughter. You look just like her.

Littlefinger: I know. So fucking hot, right? Sooooooo hot!

Lysa's eye twitches, but she keeps smiling and acts like Littlefinger didn't say a thing.

Littlefinger: Uhm. I… er… just remember I had some preparations to make for our departure. Will you excuse me?

He leaves.

Lysa: We will, of course, have to darken your hair so you don’t look like Cat anymore. People will start to talk.

Sansa: Eww. Do I have to?

Lysa: YES! Ah, I’m so glad that I’m finally wed to my beloved Petyr! I’ve waited my whole life for this. It was him that I was always meant to be with. It was him that I’ve always loved! I was forced to marry that disgusting shithead Jon Arryn. Well now he’s dead and Petyr is mine. So… speaking about unwanted marriages… are you a maiden, flowered yet?

Sansa: Gross. Why does everybody want to know if I’ve had my period yet?

Lysa: Because I mean to marry you to my son, Lord Robert.

Sansa: I’m sort of already married. Athough my husband never really had sex with me. He liked the whores instead.

Lysa: True. But you’ll be a widow soon enough. That Imp will soon be dead. It should have been me that did it! Your stupid mother should have never brought him here! I should have never listed to her! She brought nothing but misery and despair and she stole our uncle, the Blackfish, from me! That fucking cunt! I hate her!

Sansa: Thanks for talking about MY RECENTLY MURDERED MOTHER like that. It’s not a sore spot or anything.

Lysa: It matters not! You’ll be wed in secret to my Robert as soon as the Imp dies. Robert will grow to be a great man, you’ll see! Until then you can read to him, play games with him, change his diapers, and give him his daily doses of Ritalin, Lithium, Valproate, and Thorazine.

Sansa: You mean Chlorpromazine?

Lysa: What?

Sansa: Thorazine is a name brand used for marketing. The actual name of the drug is Chlorpromazine.

Lysa: Whatever.

Sansa: That’s a lot of mood stabilizers. This Robert kid must have problems.

Lysa: NO! HE’S PERFECT! PERFECT AND HEALTHY AND STRONG! He just needs those to help him a little. Oh, also he needs Brivaracetam and Valium for his seizures.

Sansa: Diazepam.

Lysa: WHAT?

Sansa: Trade name again. Valium is just Diazepam.

Lysa: He also needs benzonatate for his coughs, Hydrocodone for his back pain, Simvastatin for his cholesterol, an HCTZ-Lisinopril combo for his blood pressure, Levothyroxine sodium for his hypothyroidism, Omeprazole for his major gastric problems, Metformin for his diabetes, Aripiprazole for his psychotic delusions, Albuterol for his short-term asthma rescue, a cocktail of various Corticosteroids for his long-term asthma control, as well as Flintstone Vitamins and Somatotropin Human Growth Hormone so that he keeps growing to be a big, strong man!

Sansa: This kid is on more shit than Demi Lovato.

Lysa: Remember though! When you play games with him… you must always let him win! He is the Lord of the Eyrie, after all. You must never forget your place. He is the superior man and you are the inferior woman! Property for him to own! You will obey his every word and be his obedient slave! Sure, the Starks of Winterfell USED to be a powerful house and you have pride. But you must throw away that pride because the Starks are all DEAD and WORTHLESS now. Winterfell is in ruins and you are a fucking filthy beggar, just like I always knew my cunt sister and her children would become. SCUM. SCUM that is lucky to be offered to marry my wonderful, perfect son.

Sansa: Well, this sounds like it’s going to be a lot of fun. Maybe I should just go back to Kings Landing and get executed instead.

ASoS 67: Jaime VIII

Jaime, while he was away from Kings Landing, was made the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Well, now that he’s back and he’s already taken care of the important things like having sex with his sister next to the dead body of their incest child, it’s time for him to move into the apartments of the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Jaime: Well, time to put my white cloak uniform on and be a Kingsguard again!

Jaime puts it on, but it’s very ill-fitting. What with him starving and getting all skinny in his adventures.

Jaime: I guess there is also this book about all the members of the Kingsguard that the Lord Commander is supposed to update, huh? Yeah… let me take a look and read that.

Jaime looks at it, and it looks like the last person to update was Barristan Selmy.  Selmy was, in fact, so dutiful that he even updated his own firing while he was fleeing out of town to avoid being murdered by Joffrey.

Jaime: *ahem*… Barristan Selmy wrote of Barristan Selmy, “Awesome dude. The best. So honorable. So many achievements. Very wow. Fired by shithead Joffrey and will now flee to Essos to work for Dany. But nobody reads this so I assume nobody will ever know that. Peace out, bitches!”

Jaime reads the rest of Barristan’s accomplishments as a knight. They are many and plentiful. Then he reads his own entry.
Jaime: “Jaime Lannister. Kingslayer. He exists.”  MAN! What the hell?! It’s like… in comparison to all these other people in this book, I’ve accomplished NOTHING!

And then Jaime realizes that it looks that way because it’s true. He reads the entries for guys like Ser Arthur Dayne and he gets sad. He’s accomplished so little compared to their great deeds. They were his idols. They will be remembered forever. How will he be remembered?

Later, Jaime’s apartment hosts a meeting for the other five remaining sworn brothers of the Kingsguard – Osmund Kettleblack, Boros Blount, Meryn Trant, Loras Tyrell and Balon Swan. The sixth member, Arys Oakheart, is off at Dorne with his daughter. Jaime thinks about these guys. Balon and Loras seem like they might be okay dudes. Boros and Meryn he knows are complete assholes. Osmund… well… Osmund is a total mystery since he has barely ever met him before and he rose up the ranks to become Cersei’s yes boy while he was away.
Jaime: Well, it’s good to gather all the Kingsguard here all in one place.

Balon: Shouldn’t one of us be guarding the king though?

Jaime: Hrm. Good point. Let’s make this meeting quick. So who thinks my brother poisoned Joffrey?

Boros and Meryn raise their hands.

Jaime: Hrm. What a coincidence. The who assholes who I dislike the most.

Balon: It could have been anyone. Lots of people had access to Joffrey’s cup.

Knight of Flowers: I bet it was that bitch Sansa. I never liked her. She had just as much motive to want Joffrey head.

Jaime: Hrm. She did. Good point. But then pretty much everyone has a motive to kill Joffrey because he’s an absolute dick.

Balon: Wait… didn’t you give her a flower at that tournament for the Hand of the King and declare her as beautiful?

Knight of Flowers: Huh? What? Did I?
Jaime: Well, the past is the past. Let’s just forget it. Joffrey is dead and Tommen is King. And unlike the rest of you shitty Kingsguard who let kings die on your watch… I intend for Tommen to live a long life where he dies of old age. 

Balon: What about un-treatable cancer when he's middle aged?  It’s not like that would be the Kingsguard’s fault either.

Jaime: True. Natural causes is what I’m trying to say. No more poisoning. From now on, I declare that the King needs a food taster to make sure his food isn’t poisoned. BOROS… that will be your job.

Boros: WHAT?! I am a knight of the Kingsguard! I am not some peasant boy who should be food taster! This is an insult.

Jaime: Well, you know, it was sort of meant as an insult. So, in conclusion, fuck you sideways with a rusty sword.

Boros: I won’t be told what to do by some fucking CRIPPLE!

He stands up and puts his hand on his sword.

Jaime: Hahaha. You want to try me, biatch? Let’s see how well you do against my left hand.

Boros takes his hand off his sword and storms out of the room, angrily.

Jaime: Hahaha, awesome. He totally didn’t call my bluff on that one. In reality, I SUCK HARD with my left hand. I’m completely useless.  OKAY… next up… Balon. Why have I never heard of you before I came back to Kings Landing? Usually people who are promoted to the Kingsguard are pretty famous knights who win tournaments or battles or at the very least serve in great houses.

Osmund: Ah, well, I started off as a common sellsword. You know. For some people. You probably haven’t heard of them.

Jaime: Ugh. You sound like a hipster. Okay, you can leave too.

Osmund is dismissed and exits.

Jaime: Next up… MERYN. I hear you like beating women and children, huh?

Meryn: What?

Jaime: You know, all that beating of that little girl Sansa you did. You fucking sick-o.

Meryn: I did what the king ordered me to do. I was simply obeying my king!

Jaime: If the king told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

Meryn: Well… erm… no.

Jaime: If the king told you to remove your lower ribs and suck yourself off in front of the whole throne room… would you?

Meryn: Gross. No. Maybe in private, but…

Jaime: --King Joffrey was a fucking child. A child not yet of age to make decisions like that. You will not blindly obey child kings in the future. Unless it’s about something mundane and stupid. If King Tommen tells you to get him a new pet cat… you will do that, okay? But if King Tommen  tells you to MURDER a cat in front of him to watch it die… you come and tell me about that so I can smack the fuck out of him, okay?

Meryn: But… he’s the king!

Jaime: You will obey me, you will obey Cersei, and you will obey our father. A child can’t make decisions like that from the realm. Get it?

Meryn: *grumbles* Yes.

Jaime: Now get out of my sight.

Trant leaves.

Jaime: Okay Balon, you’re next up. The Kingsguard is honored by your presence.

Balon: Oh wow. A complement instead of being berated like the others? Cool.

Jaime: BUT—

Balon: Ah, damnit. I knew there would be a but.

Jaime: But your brother, Donnel, is a potential problem. First Donnel swore to Renly. Then he swore to Stannis. Then he lost at the Battle of the Blackwater and bent the knee to Joffrey.  Tommen will be the fourth different king he bends the knee to.  Do I need to be worried about him swapping to a FIFTH king if things ever get a little rough around here? He doesn’t seem loyal to anyone.

Balon: Hey man, Donnel is Donnel and I’m Balon. Who knows what that guy will do?

Jaime: True. But I do care about what YOU will do. Let’s say your brother swears to a new king and abandons Joffrey. Then you’ll be in a place where you have to choose between your family and your king. What will you do then? Protect the king at all costs? Or jump sides and stay with your family, betraying the king.

Balon: Ah, I see what’s happening here. Projection.

Jaime: Huh?

Balon: You’re not really talking about me. You’re talking about yourself.

Jaime: Explain.

Balon: Well, Mad King Aerys wanted your father dead and your family sided with Robert. So you had to choose between your duties as Kingsguard to Aerys or your family. And you chose your family by murdering the king.  So you’re not REALLY asking me about what I’d do with Tommen. You’re asking if YOU made the right decision in the past. You’re trying to justify your own actions and morality.

Jaime: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. But no. You’re wrong. I am asking you about Tommen. What would you do?

Balon: Well… I sure as fuck wouldn’t do what you did and become a Kingslayer, you piece of shit.

Jaime: Hahaha, oh man. Balon, Balon, Balon. You keep that shit real, don’t you? You passed that trick question with flying colors. Good work. Now get the fuck out of here.

That leaves only the Knight of Flowers remaining.

Jaime: Ugh. You. Young. Cocky. Smug. Sure of yourself. With that shit-eating grin on your face. Everything about you is so fucking annoyi….. OH MY GOD, I just realized why I hate you so much. You are me. Everything about me when I joined the Kingsguard is you.

Knight of Flowers: Correct, in this scene you are asking the rest of us what we would do. But this chapter isn’t about us. It’s about you.

Jaime: So tell me the truth… everybody knows that the Ghost of Renly didn’t really join the Battle of the Blackwater. Who was wearing Renly’s armor? Was it you, Loras?

Knight of Flowers: Nah, it was my brother Garlan. It was Littlefinger’s suggestion.  And before you jump into the same line of questioning that you did with Balon, let me cut you off. I will defend King Tommen to my last breath. I will not betray him. But like Swann, I’ve obviously changed who I’m loyal to. I’m not ashamed of that. If Renly were still alive, I’d still be with him. He was the king who should have been.

Jaime: Yeah, whatever. So what do you think we should do about Brienne of Tarth?

Knight of Flowers: She should die for killing my beloved… ermm… for killing Renly! She tricked him into making her a Knight!

Jaime: So it’s not honorable to use trickery? Because I remember some asshole who used a mare in heat during a tourney fight with the Mountain in order to win his match.

Knight of Flowers: That was me.

Jaime: Yes, I know.

Knight of Flowers: Oh. Oh. Right. I get it now.

Jaime: And were you there to see Brienne kill Renly, like you accuse her of?

Knight of Flowers: No! But even if she didn’t murder him… it’s still her fault! She was there to protect him and he died anyway. It was her job to keep him alive and she failed!

Jaime: You mean just like it was your job to keep Joffrey alive and you failed?

Knight of Flowers: Ah. Okay. Right. I get it again. I see.

Jaime: She says it was the Shadow of Stannis that killed Renly and that she could save him no more than you could save Joffrey. How exactly does one fight a shadow?

Knight of Flowers: Uhm. I dunno. Ghostbusters? Her story about that shadow sounds like total bullshit. But then again, something pierced right through Renly’s armor and killed him. Something strong. That bitch is strong but not THAT strong. Maybe it was some type of magic.

Jaime: Well, I’ve put Brienne in a jail cell for you. Go to her. Ask her. Interrogate her yourself. Get her side of the story. Judge her guilt or innocence fairly as a knight. I promise whatever you decide, I will accept it. Now get the hell out of here too!

Loras leaves and Jaime thinks about how the Knight of Flowers had killed the other of Renly’s Rainbow Kingsguard in anger for failing to protect him. Loras loved Renly so much that he killed Robar and Emmon.  Jaime wonders why he’s barely even considering to do the same to the Kingsguard who failed to protect his son. He doesn’t wonder for long though.

Jaime: Oh right, I never actually loved that little shit. Now… to do something about this missing hand. I think I should get a golden one to replace it. Yes! A golden hand! That would be awesome to fingerblast my sister with!

Jaime looks back over to the book about the Kingsguard and his almost empty page in it. It’s his duty to fill that page up with his deeds. If he wants to be as great a knight as Barristan and the Star in the Morning… he can still do it.

Jaime: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves!

Loras pops his head back in.

Knight of Flowers: You stole that from Terminator 2.

Jaime: Shut up, Loras.

ASoS 66: Tyrion IX, Part 2

Day 1 of the trial has concluded, and Tyrion has been sent back to his quarters. 

Tyrion: Well, that sucked. Everyone is trying to make me look guilty. Fucking Kettleblacks, man.

His uncle, Ser Kevan is there too. He's the closest thing Tyrion is given to a lawyer/public defender.

Kevan:  Dude, you really need some witnesses if you want to not be executed.

Tyrion: What about Varys? That dude is TOTES on my side, right?

Kevan: Eh. Sure. I guess we can look for him.

Kevan leaves to go locate Varys. 

But Varys never shows up.

The trial resumes the next day.  The first witnesses are all the Maesters they have in town.

Maester Ballabar: It was poison.

Maester Frenken: Yep. Definitely poison.

Maester Pycelle: Tyrion once stole a whole lot of poison from me. It's true. He probably killed the boy! The poor, poor boy! Oh what a great and wonderful king he was! The most noble person in all the kingdom!

Tyrion: --I OBJECT! I object mainly to Joffrey being called a noble person because EVERYBODY here knows that Joffrey is a human fucking stain.

There is a quiet murmor of agreement in the court. 

Tyrion: But more importantly... I OBJECT because I want to to answer me this: did any of the poisons that I confiscated from you while you were IN JAIL cause symptoms that match what Joffrey died from?

Pycelle: Erm... uhh... well, technically no... but...

Tywin: --TYRION! I'm warning you!

Tyrion: What the fuck, dad? I'm not allowed to cross-examine lying witnesses?

Tywin: No. Not really. It's not that type of trial. It's more of the "we're killing time, waiting until Ilyn Payne sharpens his sword" trial.

And so to kill time, a parade of additional witnesses are called against him. Lady Merryweather claims she saw him slip something into the cup.

Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't even know who Lady Merryweather is! Why is she my enemy? Not that long ago I literally SAVED THIS CITY with my plans to defend it... and now everyone is betraying me?

The trial ends again for the day.  Again, Varys does not come to Tyrion's aid per his request. Where the hell is Varys anyway?

In his quarters again that night...

Kevan: You know, you should just confess.

Tyrion: I didn't do it!

Kevan: You'd be allowed to take the black.

Tyrion: You really think I'm falling for that after what happened to Ned Stark?

Kevan: You have no witnesses for you. And even if you were innocent, you'd be safer on the Wall than in Kings Landing. The mob will kill you even if the judges don't. Besides, your father is an honorable man. He wouldn't do you wrong like Joffrey did to Ned.

Tyrion: Ugh. I wish I could believe you. Let me... think on it over night.

And so Tyrion thinks on it over night.

The next day the trial resumes. The next witness up for the prosecution is FUCKING VARYS.

Tyrion: OH, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!

Varys: Yeah, so Tyrion had this scheme he was telling me about. He wanted to get rid of the Hound and kill Joffrey, and then make Tommen the king. But since Tommen is so young and stupid... he would really be in control and run the Kingdom himself as the Hand.  I got a bunch of documents here to prove it... which aren't all all forged.

Varys puts a bunch of documents that say "REAL, NOT FORGED" on them in crayon. The jurrors all nod at this really good evidence.

Tyrion: DAMNIT! FAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Fucking Moron Tyrell: Well, I don't see how it could be fake. It says "REAL, NOT FORGED" right on it.

Tyrion: You are the worst, dumbest shit ever, Mace.

And the trial ends for the day again. You'd think this could have all happened in one day, but they're really stretching this damn thing out.

That night,  the Red Viper comes to visit him.

Red Viper: Hey asshole, did you poison Joffrey?

Tyrion: NO! And why are you here? You're one of my judges. Surely you're not supposed to be here.

Red Viper: No, I'm not supposed to be here. But I'm here anyway. Shhh! It's a secret.

Tyrion: So, what did my father offer you to find me guilty?

Red Viper: Oh, nothing you fucking Lannisters do is ever that direct. But Cersei flirted with me about how she was single now, and I could tell what that was meant to imply.  I'd rather fuck a nest of scorpions than Cersei though.

Tyrion: Eww. On both accounts.


Red Viper: You know, it's good for me that you're the prime suspect in this. If they weren't blaming you... then they'd probably be blaming me. What with me hating the Lannisters and everything. PLUS there is the whole thing about Dornish law, you know.  Joffrey was the eldest child but Tommen is younger than Myrcella.  In Dorne, the female has just as much right as the male in inheriting thrones and titles. That would mean according to our law, Myrcella would be crowned and become Queen. And she's currency a hostage guest in Dorne, under our control and betrothed to my nephew.

Tyrion: Why are you telling me all of this? You're really making a good case against yourself. Besides, Dornish law doesn't apply here.

Red Viper: Well... what if we were to choose to crown her anyway? Who do you think Cersei would side with?

Tyrion: Hrm. Good point. She does have a giant stick up her ass about sexism holding her down in life. Seeing her daughter in charge would really "stick it to the man." She and Jaime are twins, yes. But she was born a few minutes before him and has always thought that means she comes first. But then again... Tywin would never allow it.

Red Viper: Hah! Tywin will not live forever

Tyrion: Ooh. Pretty menacing there. You know Varys has his "little birds" everywhere, right? I'd watch where you say things like that.

Red Viper: It was not a threat. It was just a statement of fact.  You know, Fatty Tyrell is convinced of your guilt already.  And you look pretty guilty to me too. So guilty, in fact, that I am sure of your innocence!

Tyrion: That must be the kind of logic that the OJ Simpson jury used when deliberating too.

Red Viper: Alas, justice is a farce here. I doubt you will be given justice, no matter how I vote. You will be condemned. It has all been decided in advance.

Tyrion: No shit, Sherlock.

Red Viper: So tell me of this story that your father says of my sister Elia's death and the death of her children with Rhaegar. Was it truly this "Ser Amory Lorch" that killed them? And is this Lorch fellow really dead himself?

Tyrion: It is true that Ser Amory killed your niece, Princess Rhaenys. And it is also true that Lorch was killed by a bear. But Elia and Prince Aegon? They were killed by Ser Gregor Clegane. The Mountain raped her before he killed her, just like the stories say. But... uhm... I don't think my dad actually gave the order.

Red Viper: He did though.

Tyrion: Yeah, fair enough.

Red Viper: Well, I still might be able to save you anyway.

Tyrion: How? You're only one judge. I'd need to win over TWO judges.

Red Viper: Oh, I wouldn't save you as your judge. I'd save you as YOUR CHAMPION.

Tyrion: Oh. Shit, dawg. You should have come in with that news as the first thing out of your mouth.

ASoS 66: Tyrion IX, Part 1

Tyrion is locked up in his quarters.  At least he's not in those dark dungeons below the Red Keep though! His uncle, Ser Kevan, comes in to visit him. 

Tyrion: Oh great. What news do you have for me?

Kevan: Your trial is supposed to begin soon. The Hand of the King will serve as the head judge.

Tyrion: Conflict of interest much? He’s my father and he HATES ME. He blames me for the death of his wife. And he’s also the grandfather of the murder victim.  That doesn’t really seem like an efficient justice system.

Kevan: Well, that’s just how justice works in medieval societies. He’s not the only one who is judge though. Lord Tyrell and Prince Oberyn will also be there.

Tyrion: Great. A sycophantic yes-man who will do anything that my father says… and a guy who has sworn revenge on all Lannisters. This should go well for me. They’re going to find me guilty, aren’t they?

Kevan: No, no! Of course not. It will be totally fair. *shifty eyes*

Tyrion: Am I allowed to have a trial by combat instead?

Kevan: Yeah, you are. But please note that Cersei has recalled The Mountain to Kings Landing. If you ask for a Trial by Combat, she will name Ser Gregor as her champion.

Tyrion: Damnit. Well, I guess a trial it is then. When will I be allowed to gather witnesses for my defense and interview them?

Kevan: Never. You’re stuck in this room.

Tyrion: DAMN IT. Can I have Podrick do it for me?

Kevan: I guess. But you’ll need to be quick about it. Your trial starts… like… super soon.

Tyrion: Ugh. Just send me Pod.  I’m innocent!

Kevan: Whatever you say, dood.

After quite some time... Pod shows up.

Pod: Okay, Ser Kevan told me that you wanted me to gather up a bunch of witnesses for you and interview them. Just give me the list of witnesses you want to testify on your behalf.

Tyrion: Uhhmmm… I… ah… haven’t been able to think of any.

Pod: Well, that’s the beginning of a fairly shitty defense strategy.

Tyrion: JUST SEND ME BRONN!

Pod: Okay, okay.

Pod leaves. But this time he definitely doesn’t return for a couple of days. In the meantime, Kevan returns and asks him about that whole witnesses thing.

Tyrion: Uhh… Sansa?

Kevan: She’s gone.

Tyrion: Figures.

Kevan: Also, Your trial starts in three days.

Tyrion: DAMN IT!

A day later, Pod finally returns with Bronn.

Tyrion: Took you long enough!

Bronn: Yeah, and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I’m scheduled to marry Lollys.

Tyrion: The fat, pregnant, ugly girl?

Bronn: Yep. But Lollys is the second-in-line to the Stokeworth heir. Her mother is up there in age and her older sister is sickly and barren. So, you know, that might make me a castle owner.

Tyrion: Ugh. I hate this “Bronn wants his castle” meme. Enough already!

Bronn: You once offered to double any bribe I was given.

Tyrion: I DID! And I still do! Fight on my behalf in trial by combat and you will have it all!

Bronn: Hahaha. No. You can’t really offer me gold, can you? You’re disowned and locked up by your family. And even if I thought you could pay… it means I have to fight THE MOUNTAIN. I’m not an idiot. Dead men can’t spend gold.

Tyrion: Ugh. Get out of my face then.

Bronn turns to leave. But before he goes…

Bronn: So, what are you going to do then?

Tyrion: I guess I’m just going to have to fight the Mountain myself!

Bronn peaces out. And that’s pretty much the last we see Bronn! But don’t worry… he’ll be back for some scenes of minor and unmemorable importance related to the potential inheritance of the Stokeworth estates in A Feast for Crows. Will he team up with Jaime Lannister and start going all over Westeros with him? NOPE.

Tyrion: Okay Pod. I'm obviously not really going to fight the Mountain myself. What am I going to do? Find wherever Shagga, Timett, or Randy Savage got to?

Pod: *shrugs*

Tyrion: No, of course not. They'd be impossible to find. They've gone back to their homelands in the Vale. Damn! Damn! Damn!

And so the next two days go by. Tyrion still can't call any other witnesses because Sansa remains missing. As a fun fact - Tyrion also learns that Dontos the fool is ALSO missing. But then again nobody gives a shit about Dontos.

Tywin: Well, trial time!

Tyrion: WHAT?! I thought I had three days!

Tywin: Yes. Remember, Kevan said you had three days. Then after that the narrator said it took another day for Pod and Bronn to return, and then after that another two days passed. That makes three.

And so everyone is in the court room now and Tyrion is on trial.

Tyrion: Geez, that was a quick three days.

Tywin: So did you kill Joffrey?

Tyrion: No.

Tywin: Well, I guess that settles it then. You're innocent. Trial over.

Tyrion: What? Really?

Tywin: Nah, just fucking with you. NEXT QUESTION... did Sansa kill Joffrey?

Tyrion: I... uh... don't really know, dad. If you ask me... the GODS killed Joffrey by having him choke on a pie for being such a little shit.

Twyin: Nope. It was poison. Now shut up, as we call the first witness. I CALL... SER BALON SWANN!

Tyrion: Balon Swann? Really? What does he have to say about me?

Balon: Hey look man, I don't think Tyrion killed Joffrey.

Tyrion: HAHAHA... WOW! If you're trying to use this witness against me... then you really fucked up big time, dad!

Twyin: SILENCE! You will not address the court until it is your turn, Tyrion. Now Ser Balon, please continue.

Balon: Right, so... like I was saying... I don't think Tyrion would do something like that. BUT... Remember when that big riot happened? That day there was all that chaos? Well... after it was all over, Tyrion blamed Joffrey for causing it all and struck him.

Tyrion: Haha, I did. CLASSIC.

Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! The next witness... Ser Meryn Trant!

Trant: *ahem* Well... Yeah, I was there too. What Ser Balon said is true. Tyrion hit him. And he also used to always defend Sansa against the king. When the king was with Sansa, Tyrion would always take her side!

Tyrion: BECAUSE HE WAS BEATING HER!

Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! THAT TESTIMONY IS INADMISSIBLE! Next up... the Kettleblacks!

Both the Kettleblacks come up to testify. Which one is speaking? Who cares, they're pretty much interchangable at this point in the story.

Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, so, I was there when Tyrion was with his sister, the Queen. And he told Cersei, "I will make your joy turn to ashes in your mouth."

Tyrion: --That was in response to her having Alayaya beaten! It had nothing to do with--

Tywin: --INADMISSIBLE! SOMEONE DUCT TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT!

Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, and... uh... Joffrey was always scared of Tyrion. He told me once he was afraid that his uncle would kill him.

Tyrion: --LIAR! LIAR! HOW MUCH IS CERSEI PAYING YOU?

Cersei: FATHER! Can you shut him up?

Tywin: Ugh. I've had ENOUGH of these outbursts. The trial will resume tomorrow. Tyrion, I want no more interruptions or I'm going to find you guilty out of spite.

Tyrion: I mean I might as well keep interrupting then. Because finding me guilty out of spite is exactly what you planned to do anyway, right?

Tywin: *shrugs coyly*

Tyrion is sent back to his room for the night.  This seems like as good of a point as any to break this SUPER long chapter in half, huh?

ASoS 65: Arya XII

Arya wishes that she could be asleep all the time. At least when she’s asleep she’s warging with Nymeria. When she’s Nymeria, she’s leading a pack of wolves. She’s free. She’s roaming the Riverlands and eating whatever she wants.

A splash of water from the Hound wakes Arya up though. She’s back to being herself. She’s back to being Arya Stark with every single human being in her family that she loves being dead.

Arya: Yeah, they’re all dead. Except for Sansa. But I don’t love her, so whatever.

The Hound: Get out of bed, sleepy head.

Arya: I’m going to kill you!

Hound: Yeah, yeah. You tell me that EVERY day and it never happens. I’m really starting to get tired of hearing it.  Blah blah. You’re going to kill me when I’m asleep. Blah blah. You’re going to escape when I’m not looking. Well go on. DO IT.

Arya just bites her lip.

Hound: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

She wouldn’t know where to go or what to do if she did escape. Arya has no one anymore. She’s not like Nymeria. She doesn’t have a pack. Gendry? Hot Pie? They never cared for her. They discarded her as soon as they had the chance.

Arya: Where are we going?

Hound: None of your beeswax.

Arya: I mean I’m PRETTY SURE that counts as my business.

Hound: Just shut up and be glad that I knocked you out with that axe rather than letting you go into the Twins to be killed by the Freys, just like your brother and mother were killed.

And so they continue on. They don’t take the main roads around here, because the Freys are still riding around and searching for any men loyal to the Starks. You know… to kill.

As Arya and the Hound sneak along, they run into one such unlucky soldier, who wears a banner of the House Tully. He’s the sole survivor of a massacre that has just occurred. But he doesn’t look like he’ll be a survivor for much longer.

Man: Water… water… please.

Hound: Girl, go get this guy some water.

Arya: OH COOL! So that we can give him some water before we mercy kill him? Sweet! You know… I also did that to some prisoners a while back by the Stoney Sept. Those were good times.

Hound: Ugh. I wish you wouldn’t talk.

They give the man some water. The Hound then sticks his dagger in him. He dies quickly.

Hound: Let’s check his wallet! Dibs on cash.

Arya: I wanted the money! No fair!

Hound: Here. You can have his dagger. 

Arya: Lame. Whatever.

Hound: Stop being such a whiner. It’s annoying.

Arya: And why WOULDN’T I be annoying? My entire family is dead and I have no idea where you’re taking me.

Hound: Well, your entire immediate family isn't dead. You still have an aunt.

Arya: Huh?

Hound: Lysa Arryn. In the Vale.

Arya: Oh right. I don’t even know that bitch. I’m not sure if I’ve ever even met her. This seems like a bad idea. You should have just let me go into the Twins. I bet my mom and brother are still alive. You didn’t see them dead, did you?

Hound: God, you’re such a dipshit. I ought to just cut your tongue out now so I don’t have to hear any of the dumb stuff that comes out your mouth anymore.

And Arya goes to sleep that night, dreaming of being Nymeria again. And by “dreaming of being Nymeria” I, of course, mean that she is actually warging into Nymeria and experiencing actual things that Nymeria experiences that are not dreams… but… in fact… real world occurrences that are actually happening.

NymArya: *sniff*sniff* HOWL! [Translation: Wow, I think I smell my mom. And by that I mean Arya’s mom. I could recognize that smell anywhere. HEY LOOK! There she is!]

NymArya sees Lady Cat’s dead body floating in the Trident River. She jumps in and her gang of wolf followers jump in with her. She swims to Cat’s body and gives it a good bite. Secure in her mouth, she brings the body back to shore.

NymArya: Woof? [Translation: Ughh… what do I do now?]

Just then, NymArya hears some people coming on horseback. 

NymArya: *yip* [Translation: Okay everyone, humans! Time to get out of here].

They bolt and run into the woods. Arya wakes up. 

Arya: AGHH!!! Man. What a trippy dream.

Hound: More noise. What now, girl?

Arya: Oh. Well. Don’t worry about it. It’s just that I know that my mom is dead for sure now. You see, I had this dream where—

Hound: --don’t care.

And so they ride on in silence.

Eventually they come to a village.

Hound: Hey there, village people.

Villager: You know, we hate being called that. If one more passing person starts singing YMCA at us, why I’m gonna—

Hound: —We’re hungry. We need food, provisions and shelter for our journey on to the Vale.

Villager: Well, first things first… we’re not going to GIVE you any of that. You’re going to need to work for it. And there is plenty of labor to do around here. Hard labor. A big man like you looks like you’d be up for it. Now… the second thing… don’t go to the Vale. That’s a big mistake. The road there is full of Shadowcats and Burned Men. You and your daughter will never make it there alive. You’ll either be eaten by giant black panthers or you’ll be murdered by Macho Man Randy Savage and his ilk.

Arya: Eww. I’m not his daugh—

Hound: —Shhh! Yes, we can work for food. That’s fine with me.

And so the Hound joins this group of villagers to do hard labor and help them out.

Arya: I hope Lem Lemoncloak doesn’t come to murder this entire village while you’re away cutting wood.

Hound: No. That’s TV show only… and it’s a pretty loose adaption of this scene. It doesn’t happen anything like that in the books.

They stick around for a few days and build a big house or something like that. A palisade? I dunno. What is a palisade?

Villager: Well, thanks for all your help, Hound. Now you can fuck off!

Hound: HEY! You know who I am! I never told you who I was! We were supposed to be  this incognito father and daughter couple who just wandered into town.

Villager: Well, you’re a gigantic dude with a half-burned face. It’s pretty obvious who you are.

Hound: I guess. We were promised food and provisions for helping out though!

Villager: Yes, and you ate plenty of food while you were here with us. That’s payment enough.

Hound: SONOFA…

Villager: I suppose I could also give you this though…

The villager hands him a rusty old sword and some ale.

Hound: Damnit.

They leave. Clegane drinks the ale.
Arya: Hey! Is this the way to the Vale?

Hound: No. You heard the villager. We’ll never make it there. I need to find somewhere new to take you. Maybe your great uncle, the Blackfish, will want you. I’m taking you to Riverrun.

Arya: Riverrun?! That’s where I was heading for IN THE FIRST PLACE! And then every time I tried to go there… someone turned me around and took me in another direction. That happened like three times already! I an so fucking over Riverrun. And I have never met the Blackfish either. Would he even want me? Forget about that. I say we go to the Wall instead. My brother, Jon, is up there. He’s my bestest friend. He’ll want to see me!

Hound: The Wall is, like, a bajillion freaking miles away. And there are two different wars happening between us and the Wall. No way.

Arya: What’s wrong? Scared of a little war or two? You a coward or something?

Hound: SHUT THE HELL UP! I’m not taking you to your stupid brother! BROTHERS SUCK!

Arya: Well that’s just you projecting your own personal problems with the Mountain, man.

ASoS 64: Jon VIII

Jon is asleep, and imagining that he’s back in Winterfell. It’s some trippy stuff with stone kings and Ygritte. Is it important for the plot? Not really, so let’s move on.

Jon: I’m awake now! Man, those were some weird dreams. That’s what happens when you take melatonin though, I guess.

A horn sounds.

Jon: Uh oh! A horn! That’s important. I wonder how many horn blows there will be.

He gets up and stumbles out of bed, despite the fact that his leg is still in massive pain from where he, ya know, pulled that arrow through it.

Jon waits in a line with several others to take the elevator up to the top of the Wall.
Jon: They really should install more elevators. Just one? I mean come on.

Zei: Yeah, right!

Jon: Wait… Zei? Who are you?

Zei: Another whore character.

Satin: Like me!

Zei: Only I’m a female from moletown. But I’m really good with a crossbow.

Jon: Fair enough. I guess you’ll be important enough to mention in this one chapter, followed by the next one. After which, you will never be mentioned again.

Zei: It’s a deal!

Satin: Is this another attack? And if so… who is attacking? I really, really hope it’s Mance Rayder. Because otherwise it would be the Others attacking. Which would not be good!

Jon: Does nobody pay any attention to the well established horn blowing signal system?!

They reach the top of the wall, and sees that it is indeed Mance’s army approaching.

Donal Noye: MEN! Assemble the trebuchets! Load them up with flaming pitch! The King Beyond the Wall is attacking with his mammoths.

Jon: Holy crap! There are like 100 mammoths out there.

Pyp: And there! Look! Wildlings are at the gate!

Jon: Do we have more barrels of that flaming hot oil up here… like me and Satin had last chapter?

Satin: YES! There! Look!

Jon: Sweet. Okay. Lets tip those over.

They tip those over the north side of the Wall, onto the attacking Wildlings.
Wildlings: AGHH!!!!

Jon: Haha, that never gets old.

Satin: Dude, you must REALLY be related to Arya. You got a little psycho killer in you.

Noye: MEN! I need backup to guard the tunnel below, in case the Wildlings break through. I will lead the forced down there. That means I need to leave someone in charge up here on the wall. Hrm. Let’s see… let’s see… eenie-meenie-minnie-moe…

Zei: I sure hopes he does the politically correct version of this rhyme instead of the original version.

Noye: Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows I’m going to lead Jon Snow in charge. Bastard! You have the Wall until I get back. Which I most certainly will.

Jon: Yowza! Accused of treason as soon as I get back… and now all of a sudden I’m in charge of the Wall?

Noye: Correct. But don’t read too much into that. You’ll only be in charge until I get back from going down in this tunnel to attack hordes of invading, vicious, Wildling forces that are well-armed, well-equipped, and supported by giants.

Jon: Speaking of well-armed… you only have one arm.

Noye: That is correct. I, a one-armed man, will lead the defense down below while you have control up here. Until I get back. Which I will. Get back, I mean.

Jon: We sure do seem to be lingering on this plot point about “until you get back” a lot.

Noye: Aye. Now who is coming with me to defend the gate?

Team of Red Shirts: Us!

Noye: Perfect.

Noye and the Red Shirts leave. Jon now controls the Wall.

The siege goes on for hours and hours and hours. It lasts the whole night. The next morning, Noye has still not returned. Jon can see the Wildling army though. It’s HUGE. It goes on beyond his eyes can see. But that might not be saying much because we don’t know what his eyesight is like and corrective lenses don’t really exist yet.
Satin: There must be a hundred thousand Wildlings out there!

Jon: Yeah, but the Wall will stop them! AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Everyone: Meh. Maybe.

Jon: Well, that wasn’t quite the morale-raising reaction to my pep talk that I was expecting. Let me try again. NO MAMMOTH! NO CAVARLY! NO GIANT CAN CLIMB THIS WALL! THEY SHALL NOT PASS!

Pyp: You stole that last part from Gandalf!

Jon: Maybe. Sort of. It's not an exact quote. I’m trying to be inspiring though. What I’m saying is… THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

Grenn: That’s Braveheart! Also, I don’t want them to take our lives.

Pyp: Me neither.

Jon: Look, my point is… so long as the gate holds… WE ARE SAFE!

Everyone: *moderate clapping*

Grenn: You mean the gate being held by Donal Noye and the Red Shirts… right?

Jon: Correct.

Pyp: And just to clarify… Donal Noye has only one arm.

Jon: Also correct.

Grenn: And Red Shirts are a trope of throw-away characters who are easily killed off to raise the stakes for more important main characters?

Jon: Well, when you put it that way.

Next up, Jon sees as giants approach the Wall with a giant battering ram.

Jon: Archers… shoot them!

The archers shoot their arrows.

Jon: Men… drop those caltrops! Fire the scorpions at will! Continue firing arrows! Do we have more flaming pitch? Pour that out on the ram!

And so they do all that stuff. Arrows. Caltrops. Scorpoin bolts. Flaming pitch. It’s pretty good. The Wildlings break and flee, with the giants and mammoths turning to turn.

Jon: Haha. We’re kicking ass. But I was up all night leading here. I’m so damn tired. I need to go down and rest… just for a bit. And maybe check on Noye. GRENN!

Grenn: Whattup?

Jon: You’re in charge now.

Grenn: What? Really? Wow… we really ARE hard up for men here on the Wall.

Jon leaves, and Grenn now controls the wall. Jon reaches the bottom of the elevator and heads towards the entrance to the gate. Maester Aemon is waiting for him.

Jon: What’s up with Noye?

Aemon: Well, I’m blind… so I have no idea.

Jon: True, true. A fair point. Let me check this out.

Jon goes into the tunnel and finds Noye dead. Noye and one of the Wildlings that Jon recognizes, the giant Mag the Mighty, are all wrapped up with one another, having delivered simultaneous lethal attacks.

Jon: Well, this sucks. He kept saying that I was in charge until he came back. And now he’s dead. So who takes over now?  I guess Ser Wynton Stout, right? He’s the last remaining knight.

Aemon: That dude? He’s almost as old as me. And he’s gone senile.

Jon: Hrm. Then I guess you’re in charge?

Aemon: Haha, nice try. Donal chose you to lead while he was gone. Qhorin Halfhand chose you before him. And Lord Commander Mormont chose you even before that. There is only ONE option for who will lead us now.

Jon: Grenn?

Aemon smacks Jon upside the head.

Jon: Crap. It’s me. Isn’t it? Damn it. *sigh* 

He walks outside of the tunnel.

Jon: MEN! We must repair the tunnel gate and then block the tunnel off with debris so the Wildlings can’t get through! Donal Noye is dead. I’M IN CHARGE NOW, MOFOs!

ASoS 63: Davos VI

Davos is standing around and watching as Melisandre leads King Stannis, Queen Selyse, his own son Devan, and others in their daily worship service to the Red God.  Davos sees that Stannis isn’t really mouthing along to the prayers and bullshit like everyone else is. Davos is questioning whether Stannis is a true believer. And for good reason. True believers seem few and far between these days.  Every day there seem to be fewer attendees to these services. Davos is not the only one who dreams about getting rid of this Red Witch and per influence.
Ser Andrew Estermont: Psst! Hey! Hey Davos!

Davos: Whattup, dawg?

Andrew: So we gonna kill this Mel bish or what?

Davos: No. I don’t think so. She can see through the flames. If we try something that big, she’ll likely figure out about it. Our best hope is to carry out our more modest plots in secret, and hope she doesn’t even notice what we’re doing.

Andrew: Dang. Well. Okay then. Let me know when you’re ready to do “the thing.”

Davos: Dude. I’m ready now. Let’s go.

And so they quietly sneak off, hoping not to be seen exiting.  They head to Maester Pylos’s chambers, where Edric Storm is having more lessons.

Pylos: Oh, hey there Davos. Here for some more reading lessons?  This book here is great! But you don’t have to take MY word for it!

*Reading Rainbow scene transition sound effect*

Davos: No, no. Stop that. I’m not here to read. I’m here to take Edric.

Pylos: What? No! I don’t think so. If you were supposed to take Edric somewhere, I would have heard about it.

Davos: You forget your place, Ser! I am the Hand of the King, and when I speak… it is the King’s voice!

Pylos: What, like some sort of ventriloquist dummy or something?

Davos: Shaddup, Pylos.

Pylos: Just kidding man. Well… you’re right. You are the Hand and I think I know what you’re planning. So… uhm… you have my full support, dude. Say no more.

Davos and Pylos give each other a head nod, with unspoken words that Pylos doesn't want to have wasted all his time teaching this kid how to read only to have Stannis BBQ his ass.

Davos then takes Edric to a ship.

Edric: Why are we going to a ship, man? Am I leaving?

Davos: Yes, you are.

Edric: But I need to see Shireen before I go! And Uncle Stannis! He’s so good to me!

Davos: Hahaha, if you only knew, dude. No. You need to get out of here ASAP. If you don’t go then your Uncle will be very angry with you. Do you know what he does to angry people?

Davos shows Edric his cut-off fingers.

Edric: Yeah, I guess he is sort of a dick.

And so he gets on the boat, along with Ser Andrew.

Andrew: I’ll take him to safety, Davos. Don’t worry. 

Davos: Thanks Andrew. Goodbye, Gendry!

Edric: Gendry?

Davos: Oh right. I mean “Edric.”

Davos then heads back to the Chamber of the Painted Table, where he bumps into Mel and Stannis in the middle of a conversation.

Mel: --Three is three, shorty. You have to admit that. I saw it through the flames. The child dying and a mother crying.

Stannis: Visions through a flame? Please. I’ll need more proof than that, witch.

Davos sighs and walks forward.
Davos: No, this ho is right, my king. Word just arrived from King’s Landing. The boy Joffrey is dead. Likely poisoned by his uncle, the Imp.

Stannis: What… like… REALLY?

Davos: Aye, your grace.

Stannis: WOW. If the Imp did that, then he truly did a service to the Kingdom. And not just by making my own claim to the throne a little better and getting rid of another pretender. Just in general. That kid was a fucking psychopath. Do you know I once caught him murdering a pregnant cat? He cut that cat right open and looked at its insides. Who does that sort of shit? I’ll tell you who… Ted Fucking Bundy. They start with small, helpless animals… and then they move on to people.

Mel: THERE! You see? It is true! Three leaches on the flames… and three false kings dead! All with the power of king’s blood! With just Balon… you could say that it was just an old man dying. With Robb… you could say it was a crazy coincidence. But now with Joffrey… three for three! And that was just with DROPS of king’s blood. Imagine what you could do if we sacrifice the boy to the Red God! I WILL WAKE THE DRAGONS!

Stannis: Ugh. Is there no other way?

Mel: If you fail… then the whole world fails! For you are Azor Ahai, reborn! The prince that was promised! There will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him!

Stannis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mel: A trade, my king. A boy for a kingdom.

Stannis: Hrm. Well, then I guess I shall—

Davos: --No, sire! You can’t!

Stannis: Listen, shorty. Don’t interrupt me again to tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to give the boy to Mel, then I will—

Davos: --No, I don’t mean I don’t want you to give to boy to Mel. I mean you literally CAN’T give the boy to Mel. He’s gone.

Stannis: WHAT?! What you talking bout, Davos?

Mel: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?

Davos: Hahaha! OH GOD! That look on your face is priceless, Mel! You didn’t see THAT in the flames, did you? CLASSIC! I wish cameras were invented now so that I could take a picture of that.

Stannis: What did you do with Gendry, Davos?

Davos: Edric.

Stannis: Whatever. Easy mistake.

Davos: I sent him away on a boat. He’s gone now. Away from Dragonstone. And I’m not telling you where. You can torture me all you want I’ll never tell.

Mel: Well that’s cool. I’ll just use some king’s blood to look into the flames and figure out where he… oh… DAMNIT… that’s right! He’s gone.
Davos: Haha!

Stannis: Dude. My face may look pretty stoic now. But I am pissed off. SUPER pissed off. I had hoped for your loyalty when I made you my hand, and now—

Davos: I have been loyal. I have kept my oath! To protect the king’s people. Edric Storm was one of those people.

Stannis: If I must sacrifice ONE child to save millions from the darkness…

Mel: Davos, you fool! You have not saved Edric Storm. You have DOOMED him, as you have doomed everyone else. The darkness will come and kill us all.

Davos: A king protects his people, or he is not a king at all.

Stannis: Oh, well. This is just FUCKING PRECIOUS. I’m learning lessons on how to be a king from a fucking ONION SMUGGLER?

Davos: The way you say “onion smuggler” makes it sound like it’s some sort of urban dictionary slang for a guy with big balls that you see wearing tight shorts.

Stannis: Gross.

Davos gets down on his knees.

Davos: If you mean to take my head… then do it now. But I beg you to hear me out first.

Stannis: *sigh* Okay, get on with it.

Davos: A King’s Hand should be able to read and write. And Pylos has been teaching me. See, let me read you this.

He fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a note from a raven.

Davos: *ahem*…

Aaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!

ASoS 62: Jaime VII

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