ASoS 48: Jon VI

Jon’s leg wound grows is getting worse as he rides for the Wall.

Finally, he somehow reaches Castle Black. His horse first ride into the armory, where one-armed Donal Noye is waiting. 

Donal Noye: WHOA! Holy shit! Jon Snow! How did you get here? And coming from SOUTH of the Wall?  You know, Jarman Buckwell and a bunch of survivors from the ranging saw you not that long ago... he saw you RIDING WITH WILDLING RAIDERS!

Jon: I... I was acting on Qhorin Halfhand's orders. He told me to infiltrade the Wildlings and learn of their plans. Well... I have learned of their plans! They're attacking! They're attacking now!

Donal Noye: Duh. That's not news, man. Everybody knows that. We've dispersed our men all over the wall to guard it. Mance's men are attacking in several different spots.

Jon: No... that's just it! That's what the trap is! You've spread the Night's Watch thin across the Wall to defend from Mance's men attacking from the north. But the REAL threat isn't from the north. It's from the south! As everyone is spread out... Castle Black will be undefended. I was with the lead attack party that climbed over the Wall and is coming here to attack us. Like... any minute now!

Donal Noye: Wow. Any minute now? So they're right behind you? That's not much warning.

Jon: Well, I had a horse and they didn't. So they might be a while.

Donal Noye: Oh. Well, it looks like their plan to split us up worked really well. There are only 40 men left here to defend Castle Black.  Ser Wynton Stout is in charge.

Jon: Shit. Isn't he... like... 80 or something?

Donal Noye: Yep.

Jon: Oh hey... did you my direwolf, Ghost? Did he come back?

Donal Noye: No. Like I told you, Jarman Buckwell came back with some pitifully small number of survivors.  People like Dolorious Edd and shit.

Jon: Lord Commander Mormont?

Donal Noye: Nah. He's dead. Here man, you look kind of rough. You need to get some help.

Donal helps get him to Maester Aermon to tend his leg. 

Jon: Oh yeah, get a BLIND MAN to perform medical care on me.

Aemon: Shut up, Jon. Here, have some milk of the poppy and stop your bitching.

Jon takes the milk of the poppy. He really needs it because he's been in so much pain for so long with that arrow wound.

Jon: So... what the hell happened? The Lord Commander is dead?

Aemon: Yes. Only 12 made it back. There was a mutiny at Craster's Keep and he was murdered. Bowen Marsh is the interrum Lord Commander until we can have a new election.

Jon: Donal Noye just told me that Wynton Stout was in charge.

Aemon: Yeah. He's in charge here because he's the last knight left. Bowen Marsh is still the Acting Lord Commander, but he's out fighting one of those Wildling armies that is attacking us from the North.

Jon: It's a trap! It's a--

Aemon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Donal told me everything you told him.

Just then, Jon starts to feel the opium kicking in. 

Jon: I... I... I'm so sorry. I had to break my vows to fulfill my vows... you know. The Halfhand... he... he... he told me to team up to help them find out about the Horn of Winter. So I teamed up with Mance and Styr the Magnar... and... Ygritte... yes... I... I... I broke my vows with her. A lot. I nailed her a WHOLE BUNCH.

Aemon: Okay, you're over-sharing now, Jon. You could have just skipped that part.

Jon passes out. Aemon does some surgery on him and cleans the wound.

When he wakes up again, Pyp and Grenn are there. 

Jon: Oh shit! You two!

Pyp: Yeah, it's us.

Jon: Hey, did Sam make it back to the Wall?

Grenn: Nah, he's probably dead.

Jon: WHAT?!

Pyp: Yeah. He appartently killed one of the Others with that dragonglass dagger you have him. So that's cool. We know that dragonglass kills the Others. But then he was there at Craster's Keep when the Lord Commander was betrayed. He wouldn't leave the Lord Commander's side. The men all abadoned him. So yeah, he's probably dead.

Jon: But he COULD be alive, right?

Pyp: Eh. I suppose. We've sent birds to Eastwatch and the Shadow Tower based on the warning you gave us, Jon. The sentries now know to be looking SOUTH of the Wall as well, ready for an attack.

Aemon: Will you two leave Jon alone? He needs his rest!

Jon: No! I don't need rest. I need to do something! Maybe Winterfell can help us? Has anyone sent a letter to Winterfell yet?! Has anyone told King Robb?

Everyone just stands around looking at him. 

Jon: What?

Pyp: Ah... yeah... about that.

Grenn: Yeah man. You've been gone north of the Wall for a while. We forgot just how long.

Jon: WHAT?!

Pyp: Winterfell has been destroyed. Burned to the ground. Your brothers Brandon and Rickon were murdered by Theon Greyjoy.

Jon: WHAT?!?! NOOOO!!! That's impossible! I just saw a grey direwolf at the Queenscrown where I betrayed the Wildlings. It was Summer... I bet! And if Summer is alive, that means Bran must have been nearby.

Pyp: Well, he wasn't. Because his and his brothers' bodies were skinned and hung from Winterfell for all to see. I know that's kind of graphic and you didn't want to hear it. But stop fighting back on this whole "my brothers aren't dead" thing because they are.

Jon: Maybe... maybe part of Bran still lives on though. In that wolf. Just like Orell did in that eagle.

Pyp: We have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but if I say "sure," will that make you feel better?

Jon: Yes.

Aemon: Okay, that's enough emotional trauma for Jon today, guys. He needs more milk of the poppy and rest!

Aemon kicks them out and Jon hits up some more of that sweet, sweet opium. He dreams of Ygritte and that cave. But then the water begins to boil her and dissolves her skin away until she's just a skeleton in a pool of thick, red, boiling water. 

Jon: MAN, this milk of the poppy gives you FUCKED UP dreams.

ASoS 47: Arya IX

Arya, the Hound, and the Hound's horse (Stranger) reach a river.

Arya: Oh, this must be the Blackwater because you're obviously a shitty Lannister-loyalist and you want to take me back to Cersei and Joffrey.

Hound: God you're stupid. Please just shut up.

The Hound looks at the river. It's overflowing. It's perilous. No way can the Hound cross it. Not by caulking. Not by fording. Not by paying an Indian guide. Not by--

Arya: I thought we said there would be no more of this Oregon Trail stuff?

I lied. There is. 

Hound: I guess that means the only option left is finding a ferry. Now we just got to find one.

As the Hound is distracted, Arya attempts to murder him. About 14 different times. 

Hound: Please stop that. I will beat you if you do it again!

Arya does it again. Several more times. 

Hound: *sigh* STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!

Arya: Whatever. Beric will catch you soon and you'll be dead.

Hound: Whatever.

And so they keep heading down the flooded, crazy river.  Finally they reach a place called Harroway town. There is a ferry there. 

Hound: Oh shit. Is this ferry still running?

Ferryman: It will cost you three gold dragons.

Hound: THREE GOLD DRAGONS?! WTF?! That's outrageous! This is price gouging!

Ferryman: Yeah, well... it is. All the other ferries are down. We sort of have a monopoly. So we can do stuff like that.

Hound: Fine. I'll pay you. WHEN WE GET ACROSS.

Ferryman: No way. You pay up front.

The Ferryman snaps his fingers. A bunch of his co-workers come out, armed with weapons. 

Hound: You see how big I am, right? I'll kill several of them before I die.

Ferryman: Yeah, but you'll still die.

Hound: How about we just avoid the killing thing all together? I'll pay you on the other side. Knight's honor.

The Ferrymen gives an untrusting look. 

Ferryman: Knight's honor, huh? Well... I suppose...

And so he nods his head. His co-workers drop their weapons and they all head on to the ferry. The other men man the ferry and help guide it through the river.

Arya: I'd rather drown than be taken back to King's Landing. Forget this.

Arya is about to risk her life and jump into the torrent of the river, when suddenly--

Ferryman: --OH CRAP! LOOK OUT!

A giant tree has been knocked down in all the heavy rain and is pushed down the river. It's about to run into the ferry and capsize the whole thing.  The ferrymen all manage to steer and push away the tree trunk in time, but not before...

Guy: *slip*

He falls into river and is washed away instantly into the currents. 

Arya: Well, he can probably just swim to safety, right?

Ferryman: In that water? Hahaha, no. He's dead.

Arya: Oh.

And so Arya decides against jumping into the river to escape. 

They finally reach the other side. 

Ferryman: FUCK THAT. That will be SIX DRAGONS now.

Hound: What the hell?  You said THREE before!

Ferryman: Well... one of my men DIED getting you across. He's worth three dragons.

Arya: Yikes. The value of a human life is apparently equal to that of a single ferry trip?

Hound: It took you long enough to figure out that narrative point, Arya. Yes. Here in war time human lives are given almost no value. People are seen as expendable pawns.

The Hound hands a piece of paper to the ferryman.

Hound: Here you go. This is worth nine thousand dragons.

The Ferryman looks at it. It's a piece of paper that says "nine thousand dragons" in crayon, with a cute little dragon drawn on it. 

Ferryman: WHAT?! PAPER MONEY?! THIS IS WORTHLESS! You promised on your "knight's honor."

Hound: Haha, dumbass. Knights have no honor. Looks like YOU just learned a valuable life lesson too.  Hey Arya, still think Beric and those shitheads are going to catch me now? They better be pretty good swimmers!

Arya: Grrrrrr!!! Joffrey Baratheon, Chiswyck, Gregor Clegane, Dunsen, Queen Cersei, Amory Lorch, Ilyn Payne, Polliver, Raff, The Tickler, Meryn Trant, Weese, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane.

Hound: Why do you keep saying my na--

Arya: --SANDOR CLEGANE!

And so they keep going, now on the other side of the river. Arya starts to get the chills.  The Hound stops to make a fire, but he can't because it's so wet. He still tries feeding Arya. She doesn't want to eat though. 

Hound: Quit being a little bitch, girl. You know, I'm not as bad as you think. I never even beat your sister like all the rest of the Kingsguard did. But I will beat you if you keep trying to kill me.

Arya: You're WRONG! You're THE WORST! Nobody is worse than you.

Hound: Really? What about my brother? He once killed a man for snoring. One of his own men.

Arya: Oh yeah, good point. I know, he's such a dick... right?

Hound: Yeah, you're lucky you never had to meet him.

Arya: Never had to meet him? Of course I've met him. The Mountain caught me and my friends in a villiage and took us hostage. He started killing all the villagers one by one. He's a sadistic fucking murderer.

Hound: HAHAHAHA... OH...  OH... HOLY SHIT! The Mountain CAUGHT you? OH MAN! He must have never realised who you were! OH GOD! THIS IS TOO GOOD! WHAT A GIANT FUCK UP!  I'm going to tell him one day! Right before I fucking kill him.

Arya: Wait... why would you want to kill your own brother?

Hound: Duh. Come on now, girl. You're a sadistic little murderer. Surely you have to be able to relate to that. I bet you wanted to kill your sister, right?

Arya: Uhm.... *shifty eyes*... no.

Hound: Hey look, bitch. Maybe I am a monster for killing that butcher's boy. But I also saved your sister from a mob. She was going to get gang raped and murdered and I ran into the crowd and saved her. What do you think about that?

Arya: Uhmm...

Hound: You're suck a fuckwit, girl. You REALLY think I'm going back to the Lannisters? THE HELL with the Lannisters! I'm done with them. You think this is the Blackwater? No, dumbass. This is the Trident. I'm taking you back to your mother at the Twins for this stupid wedding she's going to.

Arya: Wait... so... Beric was planning to take me back to my mother at the Twins until you kidnapped me so that you could... take me back to my mother at the Twins?

Hound: Well, yeah. Because there is reward money in it. I want to get the reward money instead of Beric getting it. He stole my money.  Hahaha, I suppose you're probably worth TWICE AS MUCH as what Beric stole though. In the end, I might turn a nice profit. Maybe your stupid King brother will even take me in and make you one of his knights as thanks for returning you.

Arya: That will NEVER happen.

Hound: No, I suppose not. So how about you just SHUT UP, stop trying to kill me, and let me take you to this bloody wedding!

Arya: Wait... why did you say bloody wedding?

Hound: I don't know. It's simply an expletive intensifier in British English.

Arya: Still though.

ASoS 46: Samell III

Sam and Gilly arrive at a deserted wildling village.

Sam: Wait… desserted? Does that mean full of dessert! I’m so cold and hungry!

No, deserted! One s!

Sam: Oh. I hope this is Whitetree. I looked at the map and I was trying to get to Whitetree! But I don’t know! I’m pretty incompetent and worthless. I think we could be lost. And I’m running out of food!

Sam prays to the old gods for help, which is totally like Madonna pretending to be all into Kaballah and shit. These aren’t even Sam’s gods. He’s from fucking Horn Hill in the south!

After the prayer, Sam goes into an abandoned great hall of one of the buildings, which is as close as they can get to somewhere covered and warm. They set up a fire.

Sam: I can’t wait to get to Castle Black! There will be so much food and warmth there. And singing! Some of the singing is pretty terrible though. Our best singer, Daereon, got sent to another castle. But you don’t need to worry about that until the next book, I suppose. Pyp sings too. He’s just okay.

Gilly: Can you sing? Sing me a song, Sam!

Sam: All I know is Misfits songs from the album Walk Among Us. What do you want to hear? Nike-A-Go-Go? Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight? Astro Zombies?

Gilly: You know what… on second thought, I’m going to take a hard pass on you singing.

Sam: I used to sing as a kid, but then my father would beat me and tell me that it was effeminate to sing. He wasn’t a really supportive father, if you know what I mean. I bet if I told him that I killed one of the Others he wouldn’t believe me.

Sam goes to sleep that night and has a dream that he’s back at Horn Hill. Like Jaime Lannister's recent dream, let's go ahead and say this is not important and space-filler.

Sam: HEY!

Gilly: Is it just me or did it get super cold in here?

Sam: Well, your nipples are pretty hard. I mean... uhh... not that I was staring at them or anything, but--

Small Paul: --Oh, hey guys!

Sam: Oh hey Small Paul, how's it go--waaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute! Didn't you die a few chapters ago?

Small Paul: *nervous ice sweat*

Sam: AGHHHH!!! YOU'RE A WIGHT!

Small Paul: I prefer "Caucasian," but whatever. 

Sam pees himself and tries to run away. 

Sam: The horse! The horse! Quick Gilly! Get up on the horse with your baby!  AGHHH! CRAP! Where did I put that dragonglass dagger?!

Sam looks all around for the dagger but can't find it. Sam makes all sorts of loud noise, trying to get Small Paul  to pay attention to him and not to Gilly as she tries to get up on the horse. 

Horse: Nay. [Translation: No]

The horse panics and starts running around. This gets Small Paul's attention, and now Paul starts to head over to Gilly. 

Gilly: AGHH!! Protect me, Sam!

Sam: I mean you're probably braver and stronger than me, do shouldn't you be protecting me? I mean I... oh wait... here's the dagger. FOUND IT!

He runs at Small Paul and stabs him. 

Right in the chain mail.

The knife shatters into pieces. 

Sam: CRAP! Do does dragonglass kill wights as well as Others or not? The fact that I broke it on the chain mail means that the answer to this question has been conveniently dodged... for now!

Small Paul turns around and begins to strangle Sam. 

Small Paul: ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A PET RAVEN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!

Sam: Wait... didn't the narrator say that I set up a fire earlier?

I did. 

Sam reaches for the fire and grabs a brand. He shoves it into Small Paul and sets him afire. 

Small Paul: AGHHH!!! DAMNIT!

Sam: Come on... we got to get that horse calm and get going!

They run out and try to get the horse... but soon they see they are surrounded by a bunch of other wights... all brothers of the Night's Watch that died at the fist and other places.

Undead Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWW! It's me, Chett! I'm back! Here to run moonshine across the Hazzard County line! I hope ol' Roscoe P. Coltrane doesn't stop me with his dog, ol' Velvet Ears!

Sam: Oh shit... Chett?!

Chett: I just want to point out that while I am dead now, I technically survived the end of the Prologue Chapter of this book. I am the first POV character in the Jingle of Ice and Fire to survive the events of his own prologue.

Sam: Well, I mean... you barely survived it.

Chett: NO WAY! This is chapter 46! I survived a long time!

Sam: I mean... Chapter 46 is the chapter where we first have definitive proof that you are dead. But you died a long time before this.  You appeared in one of my previous chapters as well, but that was in a flashback to the events that happen immediately after your POV prologue. While it is technically true that you survived your prologue, chances are you only survived for about five minutes.

Chett: SCREW YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'm gonna jump the General Lee over a river and land it on you, boy!

And just as Chett (and the other undead characters, who cares who they are) begin to attack Sam, a bunch of ravens come down from the trees and start attacking the wights. 

Chett: AGHHH!!! RAVENS!

They start pecking out the wights' eyeballs and stuff. It's crazy. 

Raven: GO! GO!

Sam: You know, I think it's really cool how sometimes ravens make sounds that sound just like human words. It's fun to think they actually understand English and are speaking with me. Alas, I know they just mimic human sounds that they hear without really understanding.

Raven: NO, YOU FUCKING IDOT! I SAID "GO!" SO GO!

Sam: Oh... oh, right.

Sam grabs Gilly, who is holding on to the baby, and they begin running. But the ravens won't stop the wights forever. They need to find some way to get out of here... and FAST!

And just then... Sam sees a conveniently timed horseman in the distance. And by "Horseman," I mean "Elkman." 

Sam: What the heck?! Who rides an ELK? 


The Elkman is wearing all black, with a cloak that hides his face - the color of the Watch! He steers his elk towards them and comes over. 

Mystery Rider: BROTHER! Here, let me help you.

He holds his hands out to help Sam and Gilly get up on the elk so they can flee. 

Sam: Oh thanks! You're just in time to save us! What a stroke of good luck. I'm so glad that... uhm... holy shit, man. Your hand is kind of black and cold.

Mystery Rider: Yeah, well. They call me "Cold Hands."

Sam: OH SHIT! Are you a Wight too?

Cold Hands: Maybe. Maybe not. But if I am, I'm only... like... half-wight. Like Mariah Carey.

Sam: So just go ahead and tell the truth... you're fucking Benjen Stark, aren't you?

Cold Hands: GRRM has repeated on several occasions that to NOT be the case.

Sam: But he's lying, right? Because remember how I was introduced later in A Game of Thrones after you had already left?  I could have easily have been one of the other new recruits to the Watch that arrived with Jon, but that would have meant I would have seen your face and known who you were. I was really only introduced later--after you already leave on your ranging mission to never return--so that I wouldn't be able to recognize you here in this chapter, right?

Cold Hands: I mean... uhh... that's a possibility.

Sam: You're fucking Benjen, man. Don't even play around.

ASoS 45: Catelyn V

Jeyne Westerling runs after King Robb Stark after he departs, on his way from Riverrun to the Twins.  He’s both touched by her love, and also sort of embarrassed that she didn’t obey him and stay behind.

Robb: Girl, you needy as shit. But you can’t come?

Jeyne: But I want to come with you! I get to come with you in the TV show!

Robb: No. It’s some other girl in the TV show named “Talisa.” So just forget about that. Look babe, I’ll be back soon. I promise. Then I can put lots of babies in you.

And so they continue on the long march to the Twins. It’s rainy and crappy. Cat is happy because now that Jeyne is gone, Robb is hanging out with Grey Wind again.

Cat: Bringing Jeyne was a “damned if you do and damned if you don’t” situation. It would be an insult to the Freys to bring her as well as an insult NOT to bring her. The Freys are assholes like that.  But you know who I’m sad is being left behind and not coming with us? My uncle, the Blackfish. But I guess someone has got to stay behind and defend Riverrun while Edmure is getting married.

Robb: Jesus mom, why are you making a big point about who exactly is and isn’t coming on this rainy march to the Twins?

Cat: Oh, you know. Just for stock-taking reasons I want to make sure we’re all aware who is coming down, and that our party includes you, me, Edmure, Grey Wind, Wendel Manderly, the Greatjon, the Smalljon, Galbert Glover, Marq Piper, Maege Mormont, Dacey Mormont, Donnel Locke, Owen Norrey, Robin Flint, Lucas Blackwood, Rayland Westerling, and a bunch of other people who are forgettable and don’t get names.

Robb: Uhhhh. Okay.

And so they keep going. It’s rough travel and they start to get depressed. Nobody is more mopey and annoying than Edmure.

Edmure: Ugh. This is going to be the worst. I bet the girl I have to marry is going to be UGLY AF. Some of those Freys are hideous, pox-faced abominations.

Cat: SHUT UP, EDMURE! Your spouse’s attractiveness should be the LEAST of your concerns. You should hope that bitch has nice, wide, birthing hips.  That’s what’s most important. I didn’t think Eddard was that handsome when I first met him either, but I had to go through with it anyway and I grew to love him.

Robb: Such a romantic story about dad. Thanks, mom.

Edmure: Geez. You going through menopause, sis? Way to fucking snap at me for no reason.

And so Edmure pulls his horse away from his sister and tries to avoid her for the rest of the trip.

After five days, they reach the bridges at Blue Fork. Or at least where they USED to be.

Robb: FUCK! They’re gone. How are we going to cross the river now?

Edmure: How about we attempt to ford the river?

Cat: NO! NO! STOP! Before this goes any further… STOP THIS. Every time we have a chapter where someone needs to cross a river… we make the SAME DAMN OREGON TRAIL JOKES! I will not have this happen again! STOP IT, RIGHT NOW!

And so instead of fording the river, they realize that they have to go around it. But this will force them to add several days to their journey. They’re going to get to the Twins really, really, really late.

Cat: Shit. Yet another thing that Walder Frey will take as an insult.

Robb: I’ll add it to the list of things I need to apologize to him about. I guess. I wonder if Lord Bolton will get there before us. He was supposed to join us. If he couldn’t cross the river before these rains started up… he might be stuck on the other side, just like us. *sigh*… This is really delaying my plans to team up with him and go north after the Wedding.

Cat: North? Why are you heading North?

But her son doesn’t answer her.

Eight more days pass as they go around the river. There they reach Oldstones. You know, as in Jenny of Oldstones who just got introduced as a character from the past a few chapters ago. You see how these books work? Just a series of coincidences and conveniently timed pieces of plot devices that fall on one another. FUN!

Robb: So what the hell is Oldstones exactly?

Cat: It’s original name is lost to history. It was once the seat of the House Mudd, which united the Riverlands back in the days of the First Men. Back in the day, the Kings used to rule from here. The King of the Rivers and the Hills. This here is the tomb of King Tristifer IV. It was right around when the Andals came over. I once camped her as a child with my dad and Petyr Baelish and… uhm… ermm… maybe I shouldn’t talk about that.

Robb: All this talk of old kings makes me think about my legacy as a king. You know, Jeyne is not with child yet. What would happen if I were to die?

Cat: DON’T SAY THAT! I’m sure Jeyne will be with child soon. And the gods would never allow you to be taken from me. Not you too! After all the others they have already taken.

Robb: Still… I need an heir in place. Bran and Rickon are dead. Arya is probably too. Sansa is married to the Imp, so she’s as good as dead. As soon as she gives birth to a child… you know see will be murdered.

Cat: You’re not making me feel any better. Still… I suppose if you had to have an heir, it would have to be a distant, far off relative like—

Robb: --Jon Snow.

Cat: W…what?

Robb: You heard me. He’s my half brother. Ned Stark’s son. I will name him as my heir.

Cat: THE HELL YOU WILL! He’s a BASTARD. And he’s joined the Night’s Watch!

Robb: LISTEN WOMAN, I’m you’re KING. You will not question my decisions. Bastards can be made legitimate by royal decree. And I plan to do just that. And surely the Night’s Watch will release him once they’re told that he will be… oh… you know… HEIR to the very Kingdom of the North that protects and supplies them.

Cat: I… I… I…

Cat doesn’t know what to say. This bitch HATES Jon Snow with a passion.

Cat: I cannot support you in this folly!

Robb: Oh, well it’s a good thing that I don’t need your support and don’t care whether I have it or not. Now get the fuck out of my face.

So just like she’s pissed off her brother Edmure, now she’s pissed off her son. She has so few people left… and she seems to be ostracizing them all.  Things are not going well and the weather continues to get worse.

Eventually, Lord Jason Mallister and his son, Patrek Mallister, arrive.

Cat: Oooh! Something to do! I can update the list of people on this party to include them.

Lord Jason Mallister: King Stark, greetings. I have come to you with a sea captain who has been trapped at Lordsport on Pyke. He brings news that Balon Greyjoy is dead. He was on this castle bridge and it blew away in a storm. He drowned. Pretty ironic, huh?

Robb: Whaaaaaaat? OH MAN!

Jason: And not long after Balon died, his brother Euron showed up and claimed the throne. In all the chaos and confusion, the ship captain was able to escape.

Robb: Sounds like a pretty big coincidence.

Jason: Indeed. The type of coincidence that the books will try to hint around. But that the show will be like, “well, it’s obvious that Euron murdered him. So instead of hinting around it, we’ll just be direct and not even have Euron pretend like he didn’t do it.” Sort of like how the books introduces Ser Robert Strong as a new "mystery" character and the show is just like, "Yeah, it's the Mountain. You're not morons. You know this."

Robb: Doesn’t Balon have another brother, Victarion? He’s been attacking us along the coast. But now… he’ll have no choice but to retreat back to Pyke if he wants to challenge Euron’s claim to the throne. I hear they have this crazy thing called a “Kingsmoot” where every possible claimant to the throne has to show up if they want to be the next king. And the same goes for Theon and his sister, Asha. If the Iron Born retreat back to Pyke, we’ll have an even better chance of taking back the North from them and defending my kingdom. Sweet.

Jason: Sounds like you’re brainstorming some sort of battle plan, huh?

Robb: Indeed, Lord Mallister. I have all sorts of cool ideas for what I will do AFTER THIS WEDDING. Jason, I want you to sail to the Greywater Watch. Take Maege Mormont and Galbart Glover with you.

Maege Mormont: Aww! What a shame! I really wanted to go to this wedding.

Galbart Glover: Yeah, me too. What a COMPLETE SHAME that we don’t get to go.

Robb: There, at Greywater Watch, I want you to get in touch with my dad’s bestest friend, Howland Reed. But you’ll also need to give him this SECRET NOTE that tells him that I am legitimizing Jon Snow and making him my heir to the North. You know, just so that he knows my plans. Soon, after I’m done at this Wedding, I’ll loop around and meet up with Howland Reed and our forces will march together. He knows the Neck like nobody else. He can lead our combined forced through the neck and we can attack Moat Cailin.  The Iron Born’s defenses of the Moat will likely be greatly reduced by their leaders traveling back to Pyke for the Kingsmoot. I’ll attack from the North. But that will just be a distraction, because I’ll have the combined forces of Roose Bolton and the Greatjon with me. And they’ll attack from the South.

Jason: Wow! This sounds like a great battle plan for a battle which will definitely happen in the future!

Robb: Yes, that’s right, Jason. It will happen in the future. After the wedding.

Jason: Correct. This is a thing you will do after the wedding you are going to.

Everyone looks at each other and agrees that this is a great plan. Robb is really good at these battle plan things.

Robb: Oh, and mom. I’m really fucking tired of your bullshit. So you’re not going with me to Moat Cailin.

Cat: WHAT?!

Robb: After the Wedding, I’m sending you off with Lord Mallister. You’ll hang out with him at his castle, Seagard.

Cat: Is… is this some sort of punishment?

Robb: Yeah. Kind of.

Cat: If you don’t want me with you… at least send me back to Riverrun!

Robb: And have my mom and my wife at the same place? Nah. Too risky. If the Lannisters attack, then I’ll lose you both. To Seagard it is for you! But, you know… after the Wedding.

Cat: Ugh. I’m really not looking forward to what happens after this wedding.

Good. You won’t have to.

Cat: What was that, narrator?

Nothing. Never mind. 

And so Maege and Galbart leave to go meet with Howland Reed. Eventually. 

Maege: Well, this book came out in 2000. Surely we've reached there by now, since this is being written in 2018.

No. 

Galbart: What do you mean "No"? We have a signed letter from the King, saying who his heir is! Surely we're going to show up again! We can't just leave this plot point hanging! And why have we still never introduced Howland Reed into the story! We only see him in flashbacks to the past! He was there at the Tower of Joy and knows (a) that Jon Snow is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne, and (b) that he's also now ALSO the legitimate heir to be King in the North.

Maege: YEAH! We need to totally show up again!

Maybe.

ASoS 44: Jaime VI

Jaime heads out of Harrenhal, escorted by Steelshanks and his men.  Simultaneously, Roose Bolton is also departing but going in a different direction. Ya know, a Twins-like direction. You know why. Vargo Hoat is now in charge of Harrenhal.

Jaime: Oh hey, what a coincidence! The road we’re taking from Harrenhal to King’s Landing is the exact same one I took after being made one of the Kingsguard.

Steelshanks: Well, I mean it’s not like there are a thousand roads and major infrastructure. There is pretty much only one major road that connects Harrenhal to the Kingsroad, and thus to Kings Landing. If you went from Harrenhal to Kings Landing several years ago after being made a Kingsguard… then the fact that you’re following the exact same route as you’re going from Harrenhal to Kings Landing again shouldn’t be surprising. It’s normal. There is one best way to get bewteeen the two cities. And we’re taking it.

Jaime: Geez, critical much? Look, I was only mentioning it because I wanted to have a long and reflective flashback, to ponder how I became a Kingsguard in the first place. Oh, most people assume it was a great honor. But it really wasn’t. Mad King Aerys actually did it to SPITE the Lannisters. He knew that making me a Kingsguard would mean I would no longer be able to marry or inherit land, thus depriving Tywin of having his favorite son be the heir to Casterly Rock.

Steelshanks: I DO NOT CARE. 

Maester Qyburn: Hey, I’m here too!

Jaime: Oh. Really? Why?

Qyburn: To take care of you on your way to Kings Landing. Just in case you need any treatment for that stump of yours.

Jaime: Fair enough. But your “treatments” seem a little weird. Last night you sent a hooker named "Pia" up to my room. That girl looks like she's been around the block.

Qyburn: Yes. That counts as a form of treatment. At least I think so. 

Jaime: I can see why you got disbarred by the Maesters. Anyway, I didn’t need a hooker. I already have a woman.

Qyburn: Yeah, your sister. Gross.

Jaime: Shut up.

Qyburn: Still, I’d like to meet her. She sounds like the type of person I could really get along with. Like… really, really well.

Jaime: Whatever.

Qyburn: I’m not a bad doctor though. I mean I saved your arm. Didn’t I?

Jaime: Grow me a new fucking one back and I’ll say you’re a GREAT doctor.

Qyburn: Plus I checked Lady Brienne to ensure her virginity was still intact. I’m practically an OBGYN. It was intact, by the way. That was an important part of the ransom demand with her father that Vargo Hoat sent.

Jaime: Oh yeah. How did that whole random demand thing between Vargo Hoat and Brienne’s father go? I’m sure any day now, Hoat will be sending her back to her father safe, sound and un-raped.

Qyburn: Nope. Not gotta happen. Hoat saw that Brienne’s father answered with what he considered a paltry payment offer of three hundred dragons. Hoat was furious. He wanted Tarth to send him thousands and thousands of emeralds, what with you claiming that Tarth was rich with emeralds. Hoat will probably just kill her now because he thinks Brienne’s father is fucking with him and he hates to haggle.

Jaime: Hrm. I think that emerald thing is COMPLETELY MY FAULT, isn’t it?

Qyburn: Yeah, I suppose so. Brienne of Tarth will now be viciously murdered and it’s because unrealistic ideas of ransom that you put in Vargo Hoat’s head. I mean sure… you gave Hoat those unrealistic ideas in an effort to save her from being raped on the road. But in the end… instead of being raped… now she’ll be horribly murdered.

Jaime: …

Qyburn: Best not to dwell on that kind of stuff though, right? I mean forget her anyway. Fuck bitches, get money. That's what I say.

Jaime: Yeah. Uhm. I mean… uhh… yeah. Forget about her. I’m going back to Kings Landing anyway. I don’t care about her.

That night, Jaime goes to sleep. Of course he has dreams.

Jaime: Oh wow. I better pay attention to this! Dreams and prophesies are, like, super important in this book series. Right?

Don’t worry about this dream too much though. It’s not important at all.

Jaime: WHAT?! How come my dreams aren’t important but other characters’ dreams are?

It’s just that way. The bottom line about the dream is that Jaime wishes he still had his hand; has all sorts of fucked up insecurities and feelings about his family (although it should be expected that someone who fucks his sister has messed up family issues); is still emotionally scarred by the events in Robert’s rebellion, thinks the Lannisters are to blame for the murder of Rhaegar’s children, but is overall sure that he did the right thing to save the kingdom by killing the mad king; and really, really, really feels bad about leaving Brienne behind.

Jaime wakes up.

Jaime: We’ve to go back!

Steelshanks: What? NO! We’ve gone so far already!

Jaime: I left something behind. I just remembered.

Steelshanks: Well, you should have remembered it before. It’s too late.

Jaime: NO! We need to go back now. I’ll bribe you.

Steelshanks: Hrm. A bribe might work. HEY! By left “something” behind… you don’t mean “someone,” right? We’re not going back to get Brienne, are we?

Jaime: Whaaaat? Noooooo. Of course not.

And so they turn around and go back to Harrenhal.

Jaime: BRIENNE?! WHERE ARE YOU BRIENNE?! I’VE GOT TO SAVE YOU!

Steelshanks: *sigh* Goddamnit, I knew it!

Jaime sees that all of the Bloody Mummers / Brave Companions are gathered around Harrenhal’s Bear Pit. They’re cheering and shouting. Jaime goes over and looks in the pit. Sure enough, Brienne is in there with a bear.
Jaime: Oh, well… bears are pretty dumb and Brienne is a skilled warrior. It looks like they gave her a sword too, so I think she’ll be okay.

Brienne stabs the bear. But the sword collapses in on the bear when she stabs it. Jaime sees now that the sword is just one of those retractable plastic lightsabers that you can buy from a toystore where the stick goes into the handle.

Jaime: DAMNIT! Someone get her out of there!

Vargo Hoat: KINGSHLTAYER! Thisth is none of your busthnesth!

Jaime: Dude, SHUT UP. Nobody can understand what you’re saying.

Jaime jumps into the bear pit.

Brienne: Jaime?! What are you doing here?

Jaime: Saving you!

Brienne: Oh great! Now hand me the sword you brought with you!

Jaime: Oh… uhm.. Well, that was stupid. I didn’t bring a sword. I guess the bear will eat us both now.

The bear charges them…

Just as they are about to both get eaten…

Bear: *ROAR* [Translation: AGHH!! FUCK!!!]

The bear gets filled with dozens of crossbow bolts. It falls and dies.

Jaime looks up and sees Steelshanks and his men.

They help Jaime and Brienne out of the pit.

But then Vargo’s men come and approach Steelshanks’ men.
Vargo Hoat: How dare you for thishth inthoselnth! You will be punishthed!

Steelshanks: Well… my men outnumber your men two-to-one. So… ya know… if you want to go… let’s go. I’m down for a good fight.

Vargo looks around nervously. Eventually he motions for his men to stand down.

Steelshanks: Yeah, that’s what I thought… bitch.

And so Steelshanks and his entourage set out on the road again… this time with Brienne.

Brienne: Why did you come back for me, Kingslayer?

Jaime: I had a dream about you.

Steelshanks: OOOOooOoOoooo! Looks like Jaime has a CRUSH! Jaime and Brienne! Sitting in a tree! K-I-S-S-I-N—

Jaime: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! My dream had a lot of people in it. Oswell Whent! Gerold Hightower! Arthur Dayne! Rhaegar! My dad! My sister! It was complicated! DON’T READ TOO MUCH INTO IT!

ASoS 43: Arya VIII

The Brotherhood without Banners makes camp for the night on High Heart.

Arya: Hey! We were just here a few chapters ago.

Harwin: Yes, well we’re back now.

While everyone else is using the campfire they made to roast marshmallows for s’mores, Thoros is staring into the fire and trying to see visions. But he’s not having any luck.

Gendry: You know, my old master said you’re a fucking fraud. That’s why you can’t see anything.

Thoros: Rude. Who is your old master?

Gendry: Tobho Mott. You used to buy swords from him for tournaments so that you could put wildfire on them and set them ablaze.

Thoros: Oh, haha. Yeah. I remember that dude. You know what? Your old master is right. Or at least he used to be. I was a bad priest. I was a false priest. Which is sort of why I was exiled out of Myr and to Westeros. King Robert used to love my flaming swords and magic tricks. But that’s all they were. Tricks. I wasn’t really religious. But now the Lord of Light has touched me and I am true. I don’t need to rely on any tricks with wildfire that destroys swords.

Beric: Aye, it’s true. Fire destroys. Six times is too many.

Thoros: What are we talking about? Is six the number of swords from Tobho that I destroyed? OH NO… I get it. You’re talking about YOURSELF again and your resurrections. Geez, everything has to be about you… huh?

Thoros keeps trying to see into the flames.

But then the Ghost of High Heart / that old Witch from the last time they were in High Heart shows up.

Witch: Dumbass. You can’t see visions from your Red God here. The High Heart is a place sacred to the Old Gods. They rule here.

Thoros: Fair point, I guess.

Arya: Hey witch! I remember you from last time! Weren’t you begging to hear songs from Tom o Sevens and stuff? Or sexually harassing Lem or something like that? I forget.

Witch: Ah yes, that sounds about right. Give me some sugar, Lem.

Lem: UGH. GROSS. NO. GO AWAY, YOU OLD HAG.

Witch: I see you have brought His Grace, the Lord of Corpses with you this time.

Beric: I’m sitting right here. That’s a messed up thing to call me to my face.

Witch: So… you want some prophesies or some shit?

Thoros: Yes. That is why I was looking into the flames. But as you said… that apparently won’t work here.

Witch: Yet I am one with the Old Gods, so I can tell you prophesies. But it will cost you! A KISS FROM LEM!

Lem: GROSS! I SAID NO!

Witch: Okay then. A song.

Tom o Sevens is asleep. So they kick him awake.

Tom: OW! Hey!

Lem: Sing that song before I have to make out with his old hag here.

Tom: Which song?

Witch: Play that sweet-ass song about Jenny of Oldstones.

And so Tom plays the song as a form of payment to the Witch. He really wonders why this old witch likes that song so much.

Witch: Ah, very good. Now I will say some vague prophesies… okay? *ahem*… Balon Greyjoy just died and soon all the Ironborn will have a civil war to figure out who the new leader is. Hoster Tully died too, but that occurred in a past chapter so I’ll specifically point out that is old, rather than new, information. Vargo Hoat awaits Gregor Clegane in Harrenhal. Grey Wind will howl but Robb will be unable to hear him because he’s just been murdered at the Red Wedding. Also, Aegon “Jinglebell” Frey gets his neck sliced open too but nobody cares about that. Sansa Stark will wear a hairnet that contains dark purple amethysts at Joffrey's wedding feast, and those will actually be “the Strangler” poison that will kill him.

Thoros: Wow, those were all pretty specific. They weren’t vague at all.

Arya: *snore*… Huh? What… oh… sorry. I dozed off there for a minute. Did that Witch mention anything interesting?

Beric: Uhh… you know what, Arya. Perhaps it’s good that you dozed off there. I’d really prefer the Ghost of High Heart not repeat those things to you.

Thoros: Got anything else that’s more cryptic or an unresolved prophecy?

Witch: Here’s a doozy for you… Sansa will also slay a savage giant in a castle built of snow.

Beric: Hrm, that one actually is interesting and I don’t think corresponds to anything that has happened yet in the books or show. Anyone got some theories?

Lem: Uhm… Ramsey Bolton? She kills Ramsey, right?

Beric: Well, that’s TV show only. In the books she never marries Ramsey Bolton. So I doubt it’s that. And while Ramsey certainly is savage, I’m not sure what the giant part might refer to.

Hawin: What about Littlefinger? He’s certainly savage because, as will be revealed, he pretty much started this whole war thing. And the sigil of the House Baelish is the Titan of Braavos, which is a giant. And up the current spot of writing in the books – Sansa is still with Baelish at the Vale.

Beric: Hrm. Yes. That’s good. That’s a really good theory there. I like that one.

Tom: But is the Vale really a “castle built of snow?” I mean I know it’s on a mountain… but that doesn’t seem right.

Beric: Hrmmmm.

Lem: Hey, speaking of the Vale and castles built of snow… wasn’t there some scene where Sansa and young Robert Arryn are together and Robert smashes her snow castle that she made in a petty little fit using his doll! Then Sansa rips of the doll’s head. That could be her “slaying the giant in the castle built of snow.”

Beric: Yes, true! That does happen! Another great theory! Is this one the winner?

Thoros: It might be. But that’s a bit anticlimactic. All these other witch prophecies are about fairly important book moments. Is Robert Arryn breaking Sansa’s snow castle and her pulling the head off his doll really one of those moments worthy of prophesy?

Beric: I don’t know. Maybe. Perhaps the very nature of prophecy means that the Ghost of High Heart can see both things that are super important, as well as mundane things like that. And it’s for us to sort out what parts of “prophecy” are important or not.

Arya: What the hell are you weirdos talking about?

Witch: *sniff*sniff*… I smell death!

Beric: HEY! Still sitting right here, ya know?

Witch: But no… it was you… wolf girl… YOU ARE THE BRINGER OF DEATH! I have not felt the presence of death this much since the TRAGEDY OF SUMMERHALL. You know, which happened the same day that this great grandson, RHAEGAR was born. You know, I just happened to be a Woods Witch that made a prophecy about the PRINCE THAT WAS PROMISED being born, descended from the Targaryen line. I visited Summerhall and told King Aegon V, aka “Egg”, about this prophecy. I went there with my good old friend, Jenny of Oldstones, who that song which Tom sung is about. Hence why I requested it.

Thoros: Hrmm. I fell like that Summerhall event was just introduced last chapter.

Arya: Forget that Summerhall shit That’s boring. Let’s talk about me. Bringer of Death? Now I’m getting interested. Is this one of those vague prophecies or a specific one?

Witch: You will become an assassin for the Many-Faced God out in Braavos.

Arya: Oh, cool. So we’re going with specific prophesies again then, huh?

Witch: Get this accursed girl out of my face, Beric! I want none of her evil killing around me.

Beric: Yeah, yeah yeah. We’re leaving soon. Don’t get your panties twisted, you old hag. We’re taking Arya to Riverrun to give her to her mom. You know, in return for bribe money. Because that’s how we roll.

Witch: If it is to return the girl to her mother you wish to do… Riverrun is not where you must go! The girl’s mother goes to the Twins for a wedding!

Beric: Huh?

Thoros: Well, maybe we should double check that info. Can we really trust a crazy old woods witch for stuff like that?

It rains that night, and several in the camp get chills.  The next morning, they head to what appears to be a long-abandoned village for shelter. Arya is bored and starts talking to a kid named Ned.

Ned: Hey.

Arya: Oh hey. You have my dad’s name. Are you named after him?

Ned: Maybe, although my full name is “Edric” rather than “Eddard” like your dad.

Arya: Have you been here the whole time?

Ned: Yeah. Just assume I’ve been traveling with Beric this whole time, even though I’ve never really been mentioned before. I’m Beric’s squire, Edric Dayne of Starfall.

Arya: Oh cool. A squire? I bet you’ve killed like tons of people then, huh?

Ned: WHAT?! I’m 12 years old! Of COURSE I haven’t killed anyone, you wierdo!

Arya: Dude, I’m younger than you and I’ve killed like 20 people already.

Ned: WHAT?!

Ayra: Oh, I guess you’re not an important Dayne then if you don't kill people. I had heard that all the Dayne people were all cool warriors or something. You must just be some minor Dayne supporting character

Ned: I’m actually the LORD OF STARFALL and head of House Dayne.

Arya: Ah.

Ned: Oh hey – you have a bastard half-brother named “Jon,” right?

Arya: I sure do! He’s the best.

Ned: Me and him are milk brothers, ya know?

Arya: What is a milk brother?

Ned: Oh, it means that we drank milk from the same boobies. My mom’s teets were all dry. So I was breastfed by Jon’s mother, Wylla.

Arya: WHAT! JON’S MOTHER?!

Ned: Yeah! EVERYBODY knows that! Jon Snow’s mom was a girl named Wylla. She was one of the servants at Starfall. 

Arya: Holy crap! This is IMPORTANT INFORMATION! I need to remember this for the next time I see Jon.

Ned: Yeah, your dad used to hang out with us Daynes a lot. It was all before I was born though. Obviously there was a falling out, what with your dad killing my uncle Arther Dayne, AKA the Sword of the Morning. Which was super messed up because he was in love with my Aunt, Ashara.

Arya: WHAT?!

Ned: Oh yeah. Your dad and my Aunt Ashara were both in love with each other. They fell in love when they met at the Tournament of Harrenhal. But she threw herself out of a window in grief because your dad killed her brother later at the Tower of Joy.

Arya: NO WAY! That’s not true! My dad loved my mom and my mom only! He’s an honorable man who would never love another woman!

Gendry: Hey Arya, not to but into your conversation… but your dad clearly fathered a bastard, so… you know… I don’t think you really want to stick to your guns with that argument.

Arya: SHUT UP, GENDRY! NOBODY ASKED YOU! You’re not even part of this conversation. You’re stupid anyway because you’re leaving me to stay with these stupid outlaws. You’re both liars and you’re stupid! I HATE YOU ALL!

Arya runs away. She does this a lot. Get used to it, because it will happen again soon.

Harwin: Oh hey Arya, I see you sulking and being a little whiny bitch. What’s up?

Arya: That stupid lying boy Ned was talking shit about my dad. He said that he was in love with Ashara Dayne. STUPID LIAR. And he says that my dad made her KILL HERSELF.

Harwin: Oh, I’ve heard that story too.

Arya: WHAT?!

Harwin: Look Arya, it was a long time ago. It’s been a rumor for a while. It might be true or it might not be true. And so what if it is true?  Remember that your mom, Cat, used to be engaged to your father’s brother.  Your father met Ashara Dayne at Harrenhal, which would have been when his brother was still alive and he was the one betrothed to Lady Catelyn. Ned’s honor would still be intact. And while it’s true that Ashara killed herself… it was because of grief from her brother’s death. Look… uhm… when we return you to your mom, it’s best not to mention any of this to her. It’s a really touchy subject. We already knows she goes into super bitch mode whenever Jon Snow is brought up. Best not to dwell on stuff like that again or she’ll flip her fucking lid.

Arya then checks on what Thoros is doing. He’s staring into a fire.
Thoros: I couldn’t see a vision in the flames when I was at High Heart, but now I can see visions clearly. The Lannisters are marching on Riverrun. It will be under siege soon!

Arya: OH NO! My mom and brother are there.

Thoros: I think not. I saw neither your mother nor brother in the flames. I do not believe them to be at Riverrun. It’s either that or I don’t see them in the flames because THEY HAVE NO FUTURES. It could go either way.

Beric: Hrm. Thoros, your visions seem consistent with what the Witch was saying. If the Lannisters are heading to Riverrun, we should avoid that place.

Harwin: Indeed. They would like nothing more than to get you, Lord Beric. You’ve been the biggest pain in their side.

Beric: Correct! And I refuse to be taken al… uhm… er…

Everyone gets quiet.

Thoros: …

Lem: …

Harwin: …

Tom: …

Arya: ALIVE? Were you going to say, “I refuse to be taken ALIVE?”  Hahaha… that’s FUNNY. Because I’m not actually sure you ARE alive. Right? Get it? Because you’re like an undead zombie person now!

Beric: I fucking hate you, Arya.

Tom: Going back to the vision… perhaps Lady Stark and King Robb are no longer in Riverrun.

Lem: What? Are you saying that we should go to the Twins instead? WHY? Based on some prophesy?

Thoros: It’s hard to tell. You know how these visions go.

Beric: Maybe Lady Smallwood will have heard more. We shall go back to her and see what she knows.

Arya: UGH. Lady Smallwood again and all of those stupid outfits she made me put on with Acorns on them? I DON’T WANT TO GO!

Beric: Well young girl, It’s not up to you. We must—

But then Arya runs out of the door.

Beric: Dafuq?

Harwin: Yes. She does that. A LOT.

Arya runs and runs and runs. She gets far away from the old, abandoned town and far away from the Brotherhood’s Camp site. It’s raining now. Heavily. Hopefully her tracks will be washed away.

Arya: Haha. I think I lost them! SUCKERS!

Then suddenly someone grabs her arm.

The Hound: NOPE. Gotcha, bitch!

Arya: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCK!

ASoS 42: Daenerys IV, Part 2

We now rejoin the middle of Dany and Grazden's conversation. 

Dany: That was a really awkward place to break the chapter.

Grazden: I thought it was suspenseful.

Dany: It wasn't. Get to your point.

Grazden: My point is that  even though I know Yunkai will win, I would prefer to avoid conflict all together. And because I’m such a standup guy… I’m going to sweeten the pot for you. 50 thousand golden marks. Retreat now and go somewhere else. I don’t care where. Do whatever. If you go that… 50 thousand pieces of gold.

Dany: Trying to bribe me? Sounds like you’re not that confident in victory.

Grazden: Oh, we’re going to win. Trust me there. It’s just that it’s so much of a hassle to clean up all the blood. I’d rather have all my slaves do other things. So why don’t you just take the money and fuck off and go to that primitive Westeros place! Sounds like a real shithole, but you seem to want to be the queen there. Whatever.

Dany: COUNTER-OFFER. You have three days. Release every slave you have. If you do so, I will not destroy your city.

Grazden: Bitch, you crazy. No way. Never going to happen. How do you think you even have the slightest chance of winning?

Dany: Oh, just a little women’s intuition and something called—DRACARYS!!!!

With the sounding of that word, Drogon jumps into the chapter and breaths some awesome dragon fire on Grazden.

Grazden: AGHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!! AGHHHHHH!!!! FUUUUUCCCCCK! MY CLOTHES ARE ON FIRE! AGHHHH!!!

Not Barristan comes over and helps him put the flames out. 

Not Barristan: STOP, DROP AND ROLL! STOP, DROP AND ROLL!

The flames go out.

Grazden: HOLY SHIT, WOMAN! YOU WILL REGRET THIS! HOW DARE YOU!

Dany: Oh COME ON. It was just a little fire. A baby dragon fire. Drogon has done a lot worse to OTHER people named Grazden, if you catch my drift. NOW GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY SIGHT. And remember… THREE DAYS!

Grazden and the “Wise Masters” depart.

Jorah: Girl, that was fucking cold blooded right there. I can’t believe you did that. But then again you truly are Rhaegar’s sister. He was bad at math too.

Dany: Huh?

Jorah: Well, you told the Stormcrows one day. But you just told that guy three days.

Dany: Oh. I did, did I? Hrmmm. Interesting that you noticed. It’s almost like I specifically divided apart the groups and gave the different groups different and inconsistent pieces of information.

Jorah: I don’t follow.

Dany: We attack tonight. The Stormcrows think that they will have the night to decide. They will not. The Second Sons will be totally drunk on Busch Light. And the Wise Masters think they have three days. None will be prepared. We kill them all. TONIGHT.

And so team Dany scurries about to spread the word that they will attack that night. 

As the preparations for the battle are happening, Jorah comes to Dany with a prisoner.

Jorah: Khaleesi, look what we have here. One of the Stormcrows. We caught him spying on our camp!

Jorah shoves the man forward. It is Daario.

Daario: Hey again, gurl. *wink*

Jorah: Ugh.

Dany: What are you doing in my camp, Daario?

Daario: Not spying like this old dickhead says. I came here to give a gift to you, to prove my love and devotion.

Dany: Jorah… what’s in the bag?

Jorah: Oh. I don’t know. I didn’t check it or anything.

Dany: WHAT?! You didn’t even check what was in the bag and you brought him to me?! What if it was a bomb or something?!

Jorah: I don’t think those have been invented yet.

Dany: Or maybe a bag of manticores/scorpions? You know… like the ones that people tried to assassinate me with one book ago?

Jorah: Oh right. I guess I should have checked the bag or something first.

Daario: My beautiful queen, these are no bombs or scorpions. Behold!

He empties the bag. The heads of Prendahl and Sallor roll out.

Dany: HOLY CRAP!

Daario: Beautiful, I give you the gift of… THE STORMCROWS! We are now on your side! I mean… there wasn’t 100% consensus on the issue of whether to join your side or not. In fact, both Prendahl and Sallor were against it. But it doesn’t matter anymore. You know. Because…

He points at their heads.

Dany: Wow. And I was just about to attack you in, like, an hour or so. Because remember how we said we were going to give you until tomorrow? Well I was lying. We’re attacking tonight.

Jorah: Khaleesi! Don’t tell him our entire battle strategy! He’s not to be trusted!

Daario: Not to be trusted? Look at that! LOOK!

He points at the heads again.

Daario: I mean that’s a PRETTY GOOD sign that I’m on your side now. Besides, have you seen this woman here? I mean LOOK AT HER. She is F-I-N-E fine! On a scale of 10… she is easily an 18. DAYUM, son. That’s what I’m trying to say. How could I NOT fight for her?

Jorah: Oh. I’ve noticed. *grumbles angrily*

Dany: Are your men ready to fight tonight? We attack the Second Sons and the Yunkai soon.

Daario: For you… the Stormcrows will fight WHENEVER.

Dany: Then get back to your men and let them know the plan.

Daario: As you command, you beautiful, sexy queen you.

Dany starts to blush. This dude is fawning all over him. And Dany LIKES it. She’s used to guys fawning all over her. Jorah does it 24/7. But Jorah is an old, gross, balding man that does nothing for her. But this Daario guy on the other hand… he looks like… uhm… err….

Dany: Yeah… wait… what DO you look like, Daario? In the books are you more of a clean-shaven, light and long-haired Season 3 Ed Skrein type? Or are you more of the bearded, dark and short-haired Seasons 4-6 Michiel Huisman type?

Daario: Neither. In the books I look like some sort of garishly-dressed pirate with a blue-dyed beard that’s divided into three different forks and a gold tooth.

Dany: Wow, that’s… uhh… different. I can’t believe I’d be attracted to that… yet here I am. Now get your sexy ass out of here and go kill some people for me.

Daario bows, blows her a kiss, and leaves. 

Dany: I haven’t felt this way in a while. Not since my husband died. “Sploosh,” is all I’m saying.

Jorah: You can’t trust him, my queen! He is a sellsword and a traitor! Sure, he may have literally just murdered people to prove his loyalty to you… but it still could be some sort of elaborate trick! Men like that should not be in your company!

With that, Dany’s left eye starts to twitch and she loses her shit. She smacks Jorah in his slavery-loving face.

Dany: MEN LIKE THAT SHOULDN’T BE IN MY COMPANY? IS THAT SO? IS IT?

Jorah: Uh... *rubbing face*… what the hell just happened there?

Dany: You know what other type of MEN shouldn’t be in MY COMPANY according to YOU? EVERY FUCKING OTHER HUMAN MALE ALIVE. This is my Jorah Fucking Mormont impression… want to hear it? “Don’t listen those Horse Lords in the Dothraki! You can’t trust them! Don’t trust Pyatt Pree! Don’t trust Xaro Xhoan Daxos! Don’t trust Not Barristan! Don’t trust Strong Belwas! Don’t trust Daario Naharis!”  Is there any MAN I can trust, Jorah? OH RIGHT. According to you… the only man I can trust is YOU. I’m sick and fucking tired of hearing that shit from you, Jorah. You want to be the only man around me. You’re acting like a jealous, controlling husband to me. But you know what? YOU’RE NOT MY HUSBAND. And you will NEVER be my husband. While I respect the advice you give me… I AM NOT INTO YOU. AT ALL. So you need to STOP THAT SHIT, ASAP.

Jorah: …

Dany: Well GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE and GO LEAD A BATTLE.

Jorah: Y-yes, Khaleesi. *runs away, crying*

Dany: Ugh. I hate to be a dick like that… but… geez.

Dany tries to go to sleep that night, but knows she can’t sleep during the battle. So instead she visits Not Barristan.

Dany: Not Barristan, tell me more about my brother. Tell me any random story you got.

Not Barristan: Well, it’s in this chapter which I drop a bunch of parts of a story that help the reader put two-and-two together to realize that the earlier “Knight of the Laughing Tree” story told by the Reed kids is not just a random, legendary story… but is IN FACT about Rhaegar and Lyanna Stark. But since the Reeds decided to be more redirect in their story telling in this version, I don’t really need to do that. So I can just skip to the point and remind everyone that Rhaegar winning his only ever tournament and crowning Lyanna Stark as the queen of love and beauty is a REALLY BIG DEAL, narratively. Even though it doesn’t seem like much.

Dany: Right. Because R+L=J. Everybody knows that now, right? We don’t need to be subtle and cryptic about it or anything anymore. It’s pretty much canon. I know the books haven’t gotten that far yet and “the books are the books and the show is the show,” but… just to be clear… I do want to say that this discussion merely exists to set up the fact that Jon Snow arguably has a more direct and legitimate claim to the Iron Throne than me.

Not Barristan: Correct. Although I also wanted to point out that Rhaegar was born on the day of the TRAGEDY OF SUMMERHALL as well. He was a melancholy man. Sometimes he liked to visit Summerhall.

Dany: Interesting. Could you tell me more about this TRAGEDY AT SUMMERHALL?

Not Barritsan: No. But I bet it will also be coincidentally mentioned again in the exact next chapter.

Dany: Fuck this is a long chapter. We already broke it in half. Can we speed this up? I really, really don't want this to be broken into a third part.

Jorah returns.

Jorah: Daario and the Stormcrows switched sides and joined us like you said. The Second Sons were all shitfaced when we attacked them and they were completely obliterated. The Wise Masters surrended. In all, we lost like a dozen soldiers.

Dany: Oh sweet. We really did speed the story up? GREAT!

The next morning, Dany walks to the city. All the freed slaves walk up to her and begin praising her. 

Freed Slaves: MOTHER! MOTHER! MOTHER!  WE LOVE YOU! YOU FREED US! 

Dany: Wow. All these brown people surrounding my pale, white ass and proclaiming me to be their mother and liberator. This is… uhm… making me somewhat uncomfortable and playing into a “white savior” narrative that is all too common in entertainment. Take Glory. Is it really about freed slaves heroically fighting in the Massachusetts 54th? No. It’s about MATTHEW BRODERICK leading them. Dangerous Minds? It’s about a white women saving inner city kids. The Last Samurai? About a white man saving Meiji Japan. The Blind Side? A white woman saves the poor, black kid with football. The Help? The hero is Emma Fucking Stone.

Not Barristan: Okay, we get the point. Now you’re the one that’s making this chapter drag unnecessarily long.

Dany: Sorry.