ASoS 63: Davos VI

Davos is standing around and watching as Melisandre leads King Stannis, Queen Selyse, his own son Devan, and others in their daily worship service to the Red God.  Davos sees that Stannis isn’t really mouthing along to the prayers and bullshit like everyone else is. Davos is questioning whether Stannis is a true believer. And for good reason. True believers seem few and far between these days.  Every day there seem to be fewer attendees to these services. Davos is not the only one who dreams about getting rid of this Red Witch and per influence.
Ser Andrew Estermont: Psst! Hey! Hey Davos!

Davos: Whattup, dawg?

Andrew: So we gonna kill this Mel bish or what?

Davos: No. I don’t think so. She can see through the flames. If we try something that big, she’ll likely figure out about it. Our best hope is to carry out our more modest plots in secret, and hope she doesn’t even notice what we’re doing.

Andrew: Dang. Well. Okay then. Let me know when you’re ready to do “the thing.”

Davos: Dude. I’m ready now. Let’s go.

And so they quietly sneak off, hoping not to be seen exiting.  They head to Maester Pylos’s chambers, where Edric Storm is having more lessons.

Pylos: Oh, hey there Davos. Here for some more reading lessons?  This book here is great! But you don’t have to take MY word for it!

*Reading Rainbow scene transition sound effect*

Davos: No, no. Stop that. I’m not here to read. I’m here to take Edric.

Pylos: What? No! I don’t think so. If you were supposed to take Edric somewhere, I would have heard about it.

Davos: You forget your place, Ser! I am the Hand of the King, and when I speak… it is the King’s voice!

Pylos: What, like some sort of ventriloquist dummy or something?

Davos: Shaddup, Pylos.

Pylos: Just kidding man. Well… you’re right. You are the Hand and I think I know what you’re planning. So… uhm… you have my full support, dude. Say no more.

Davos and Pylos give each other a head nod, with unspoken words that Pylos doesn't want to have wasted all his time teaching this kid how to read only to have Stannis BBQ his ass.

Davos then takes Edric to a ship.

Edric: Why are we going to a ship, man? Am I leaving?

Davos: Yes, you are.

Edric: But I need to see Shireen before I go! And Uncle Stannis! He’s so good to me!

Davos: Hahaha, if you only knew, dude. No. You need to get out of here ASAP. If you don’t go then your Uncle will be very angry with you. Do you know what he does to angry people?

Davos shows Edric his cut-off fingers.

Edric: Yeah, I guess he is sort of a dick.

And so he gets on the boat, along with Ser Andrew.

Andrew: I’ll take him to safety, Davos. Don’t worry. 

Davos: Thanks Andrew. Goodbye, Gendry!

Edric: Gendry?

Davos: Oh right. I mean “Edric.”

Davos then heads back to the Chamber of the Painted Table, where he bumps into Mel and Stannis in the middle of a conversation.

Mel: --Three is three, shorty. You have to admit that. I saw it through the flames. The child dying and a mother crying.

Stannis: Visions through a flame? Please. I’ll need more proof than that, witch.

Davos sighs and walks forward.
Davos: No, this ho is right, my king. Word just arrived from King’s Landing. The boy Joffrey is dead. Likely poisoned by his uncle, the Imp.

Stannis: What… like… REALLY?

Davos: Aye, your grace.

Stannis: WOW. If the Imp did that, then he truly did a service to the Kingdom. And not just by making my own claim to the throne a little better and getting rid of another pretender. Just in general. That kid was a fucking psychopath. Do you know I once caught him murdering a pregnant cat? He cut that cat right open and looked at its insides. Who does that sort of shit? I’ll tell you who… Ted Fucking Bundy. They start with small, helpless animals… and then they move on to people.

Mel: THERE! You see? It is true! Three leaches on the flames… and three false kings dead! All with the power of king’s blood! With just Balon… you could say that it was just an old man dying. With Robb… you could say it was a crazy coincidence. But now with Joffrey… three for three! And that was just with DROPS of king’s blood. Imagine what you could do if we sacrifice the boy to the Red God! I WILL WAKE THE DRAGONS!

Stannis: Ugh. Is there no other way?

Mel: If you fail… then the whole world fails! For you are Azor Ahai, reborn! The prince that was promised! There will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him!

Stannis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mel: A trade, my king. A boy for a kingdom.

Stannis: Hrm. Well, then I guess I shall—

Davos: --No, sire! You can’t!

Stannis: Listen, shorty. Don’t interrupt me again to tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to give the boy to Mel, then I will—

Davos: --No, I don’t mean I don’t want you to give to boy to Mel. I mean you literally CAN’T give the boy to Mel. He’s gone.

Stannis: WHAT?! What you talking bout, Davos?

Mel: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?

Davos: Hahaha! OH GOD! That look on your face is priceless, Mel! You didn’t see THAT in the flames, did you? CLASSIC! I wish cameras were invented now so that I could take a picture of that.

Stannis: What did you do with Gendry, Davos?

Davos: Edric.

Stannis: Whatever. Easy mistake.

Davos: I sent him away on a boat. He’s gone now. Away from Dragonstone. And I’m not telling you where. You can torture me all you want I’ll never tell.

Mel: Well that’s cool. I’ll just use some king’s blood to look into the flames and figure out where he… oh… DAMNIT… that’s right! He’s gone.
Davos: Haha!

Stannis: Dude. My face may look pretty stoic now. But I am pissed off. SUPER pissed off. I had hoped for your loyalty when I made you my hand, and now—

Davos: I have been loyal. I have kept my oath! To protect the king’s people. Edric Storm was one of those people.

Stannis: If I must sacrifice ONE child to save millions from the darkness…

Mel: Davos, you fool! You have not saved Edric Storm. You have DOOMED him, as you have doomed everyone else. The darkness will come and kill us all.

Davos: A king protects his people, or he is not a king at all.

Stannis: Oh, well. This is just FUCKING PRECIOUS. I’m learning lessons on how to be a king from a fucking ONION SMUGGLER?

Davos: The way you say “onion smuggler” makes it sound like it’s some sort of urban dictionary slang for a guy with big balls that you see wearing tight shorts.

Stannis: Gross.

Davos gets down on his knees.

Davos: If you mean to take my head… then do it now. But I beg you to hear me out first.

Stannis: *sigh* Okay, get on with it.

Davos: A King’s Hand should be able to read and write. And Pylos has been teaching me. See, let me read you this.

He fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a note from a raven.

Davos: *ahem*…

Aaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!

ASoS 62: Jaime VII

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ASoS 61: Sansa V

Sansa runs from the throne room, as fast as she can to the godswood. Just like the plan was all along.

Sansa: Why am I crying? I want to DANCE WITH FUCKING JOY. Joffrey is dead! DEAD! DEAD! I want to post this as my status on Facebook and then have one of my old friends from high school be like, “HEY ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!” and then I’d be all like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I was just so excited that Joffrey died, I had to scream it out in joy to the world. Besides, you know GoT is a must-watch-live show. If you don’t want spoilers, you need to stay off the internet. Don’t just think you can go on the internet if you haven’t watched GoT and you don’t want everything spoiled.” Then my friend would be like, “What a bullshit apology, you said ‘I’m sorry’ but it rang as totally inauthentic because you still tried to shift blame to me. I don’t think you’re sorry at all. I hate non-apology apologies where people are like, “Oh, well I’M SORRY that YOU’RE offended.’ Those are the WORST.”  Then I’ll be like, “Look, I’m legitimately sorry. Can we get past this and be friends?” And then…

Sansa arrives at the godswood.

Sansa: Oh. What was I talking about again? Whatever, it wasn’t important. Maybe I was crying for Robb. Or for Margaery. Twice married and twice widowed. Yikes.

In the godswood, she changes into her hidden “escape” clothes that she’s been saving wand waits for Dontos.  As she changes, she takes off her hairnet.

Sansa: Oh no! It looks like I lost one of those EXPENSIVE, RARE, AMETHYSTS IN MY HAIRNET! I wonder what happened to it! No… wait… this thin looks really cheap now. This wasn’t an expensive, magical hairnet at all. I think this came from the dollar store.

Dontos finally arrives, and (as usual) he is SUPER drunk.

Sansa: Hey… what’s up, bitch? One of the stones in this hairnet fell out. Is this thing from the Marshalls discount rack?

Dontos: Oh, no. It didn’t fall out. Those purple amesyths… asme… ameth… .damnit…. I can’t say that word. Anyway, they are actually “the Strangler” poison crystals. That’s what killed Joffrey.

Sansa: WHAT?!

Dontos: Yeah. Totally.  Hey, do you know a good ramen shop around here? I am so hung over. Nothing makes me feel better after a bad hangover than a bowl of ramen. And maybe a little hair of the dog!

He takes out another bottle and starts drinking.

Sansa: DUDE! Shut up about RAMEN! You’ve made me an accessory to the murder of Joffrey!

Dontos: Yeah, I guess.

Sansa: That’s… that’s… that’s…. SO… FUCKING… AWESOME!!!!

Dontos: Yeah. It is. You know who loved ramen? Joffrey! Too bad he just choked on that pie.

Sansa: You said he was poisoned.

Dontos: No I didn’t. He choked on pie.

Sansa: Dude, you are drunk and have no idea what you are talking about. I don’t know what to believe. Maybe Tyrion killed Joffrey.

Dontos: Well, he’s been arrested for it.

Sansa: Oh.

Dontos: And you will be too! If we don’t get out of here SOON! We need to go NOW! And by now I mean after I find some ramen. But it has to be a shoyu ramen place. I don’t do shio ramen. Too salty. And I like how the shoyu ramen tastes different at every different ramen place because they typically all use unique, homemade soy sauce blends. You really get a variant of flavor profiles. Unique tastes are good. I don’t want the same taste every time I go for ramen. I don’t want ramen places to be all uniform and boring like McDonalds where you know exactly what you’re going to get. Food should be an adventure that you—

Sansa slaps Dontos.

Sansa: I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! If Tyrion killed Joffrey, they will assume I was part of the plot! Let’s go!

Dontos: Okay. Okay. But give your Florian a kiss first, my beautiful Jonquil.

Sansa: No.

Dontos: Fair enough.

And so they leave the godswood and head for a steep cliff.

Dontos: This way! This cliff leads down to the river where a rowboat will be waiting for us!

Sansa: Dude, I can’t climb down a cliff. Look at this! I’m wearing heels!

Dontos: Then take them off and leave them behind!

Sansa: These are Christian Louboutin Eklectica 85mm Red Sole Pumps and they cost $900. I am not taking them off and leaving them behind.

Dontos: Oh, well then I guess you’ll get captured and die.

Sansa: GODDAMNIT. You know climbing on perilous structures like this is exactly how my brother, Bran, got crippled.

She takes them off and climbs down. She makes it, because it would be rather anticlimactic if after all this, Sansa died in a rock-climbing incident.

They get to the row boat where a man named Oswell is waiting.

Oswell: Hi, I’m Oswell.

Sansa: Hrm. There is something suspiciously familiar about you but it won't be revealed until my next POV chapter. 

Oswell: Shut up.

Sansa: Rude.

Oswell: No, seriously. Be quiet. We need to sneak out of here and not be noticed. SHHH!

Oswell rows the boat out to the bay and they get to a trading galley ship. She and Oswell climb up the ladder to the ship, where they find Ser Lothor Brune.

Sansa: Do I know you?

Lothor: Yes. I was at the Hand's tourney in King's Landing. I defeated Jory Cassel. Then I was at Joffrey’s tourney where I was supposed to fight Dontos, until he showed up all drunk. That’s when you saved him from being executed by Joffrey.

Sansa: Oh wow. You are a SUPER MINOR character.

Lothor: Shut up.

Sansa: Why does everyone keep telling me that?

Dontos begins to climb up the ladder.

Dontos: Lord Petyr! Lord Petyr! I need to row back now, before they think to look for me.

Sansa: Petyr? What is this guy talking ab—

And then Petyr Baelish shows up on the boat.

Littlefinger: Oh hey, Sansa. *winks*

Sansa: Creepy.

Littlefinger: So you want your payment then, Dontos? What was it again? Ten thousand dragons?

Dontos: Yeah!

Littlefinger: Ser Lothar, give this man what he deserves.

Lothar: Aye.

Lothar pulls out a crossbow and shoots Dontos. He falls into the bay and dies.

Sansa: HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAAAT THE FUUUUUCK!?!?!

Littlefinger: Hahaha, I know, right? Hilarious.

Sansa: He… he… HE HELPED ME!

Littlefinger: No, I helped you. He just did it for the money. He’s a drunk. He would sell us out to Cersei or Varys in a second. The only way to ensure his silence was to kill him.  He had nothing to do with any of this. He was just my agent. I was the one who masterminded the whole thing. I sent you the notes to meet in the godswood. I just couldn’t be there myself to meet you. Varys would have known and found out. It had to be this way, my sweet, hot, young child.

Lothar: Technically, I think I just won the scheduled match between me and Dontos now. I mean I know it’s been delayed by the good part of two books. Still. We were supposed to fight. I win.

Littlefinger: I’m so happy for you, Lothar. Now Sansa, come below the deck with me. You must be exhausted.

Sansa: So… so… I’m LEAVING King’s Landing. For real?

Littlefinger: Yes.  And hey… did you like those jousting dwarves I sent to Joffrey as a gift? Hahaha… hilarious. I knew that Joffrey would LOVE that and that it would make Tyrion even MORE of a suspect in his murder.  You’re really going to love being a widow after they execute him.

Sansa: Why… why do all this? What was your motive?

Littlefinger: CHAOS IS A LADDER!

Sansa: Huh?

Littlefinger: I mean… I had no motive. Sometimes you need to do things that make no sense. You need to throw off your enemies in the game of thrones. You know I once—

Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Sansa: What the hell?

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back overboard into the bay.


Littlefinger: …*ahem* Anyway, You know I once loved your mother. You could have been my daughter if things had turned out right. My smoking hot, sexy, sexy daughter. Sexy as hell.

Sansa: Eww. You’re being such a creepy Donald Trump right now.

Littlefinger: Rest easy, my daughter. You can forget about Joffrey and Kings Landing and the Lannsisters. You’re sailing to safety now… you’re sailing HOME!

Sansa: Oh good! HOME! Winterfell!

Littlefinger: Ehhh… not exactly.

ASoS 60: Tyrion VIII

Joffrey and Margaery are having their wedding ceremony.

Tyrion: You know, they actually look like a regal couple together. Too bad Joffrey is a complete shithead and Margaery… well… I bet she’s not actually a virgin like her dad says she is. I mean she married Renly quite a long time ago and they would have plenty of time to do the deed. Not that Joffrey would know the difference.

Tyrion then thinks more about Joffrey being his chief suspect for the catspaw murder, and he thinks what a dipshit moron Joffrey is for using Littlefinger’s expensive, easily recognizable dagger.

Next comes the time in the marriage ceremony for the exchange of cloaks, where both must place a cloak on the other. Tyrion thinks back bitterly to his own cloak exchange with Sansa.

Tyrion: UGH. My wedding was the WORST. WEDDING. EVER.

Sansa: Uhh… hey dickhead. My mother and brother just got MURDERED at the Red Wedding.

Tyrion: Oh right. Second worst wedding ever, then.

With the two married, they then leave the Sept of Baelor and go into the crowds. They cheer and applaud.

Tyrion: Wow. They are cheering Joffrey? The same Joffrey that they rebelled against not that long ago? The Joffrey that they despise and hate? The crowds that Joffrey ordered his soliders to fire arrows into and murder?

Crowd: WOOO!!! WE HAVE SHORT ATTENTION SPANS AND DON’T EVEN REMEMBER THAT! ALSO, WE’RE MOSTLY CHEERING FOR MARGAERY BECAUSE WE LOVE HER! YAY MARGAERY!

As they go through the crowd in their regal litter, Tyrion tries to make small talk with Sansa.

Tyrion: Hey, let’s get the hell out of here when this wedding was over. Maybe go see Casterly Rock or something. I know how you hate this city.

Sansa: [wooden] Whatever my husband wishes.

Tyrion: Oh… right, right. You’re dead inside and you hate me. I forgot. The point I’m making is that Joffrey is still too young to rule on his own. But once he’s old enough to no longer have a regent, life will be HELL for me.  I need to get as far away from here as possible. Anyway. We need to get changed for this 77-course feast that we’re supposed to be going to, huh?

And so they stop back at their apartments to change and for Tyrion to take a pee, which he definitely needs to do with all this wine he’s been drinking.

Shae helps Sansa change, while Podrick does the same for Tyrion.

Shae: Oh, you’ll be the most beautiful woman at the entire dinner! Maybe I can come to. I’d love to be at the feast.

Tyrion: BITCH. You need to stop this shit. It will be too crowded anyway. *evil eye*

Shae: *gives evil eye right back*

Tyrion: Whatver. Forget that evil eye. What are you going to do about it? Nothing! Surely not testify in a trial about me, distorting the truth! That's for sure! 

They then head back to the Throne Room, where the Wedding feast takes place. It’s not outside or anything cool like that like in the TV show.  As they take their place, they run into Lady Olenna Tyrell.

Queen of Thorns: Oh Sansa, you look so beautiful today! But look… your hair is out of place. Let me FIX THAT FOR YOU.

The Queen of Thorns helps adjust Sansa’s hair, grabbing at her ORNATE, PURPLE-JEWELED HAIRNET. You know the one.

Queen of Thorns: Maybe you should come to Highgarden after this is over.

Sansa: Thank you for the offer, my lady. But my place is with mu husband. *tries not to throw up in her mouth*

Queen of Thorns: Oh, this little dwarf guy here? The one they name the whore tax pennies after?

Tyrion: I mean talk shit about it all you want… it’s a perfectly good stream of revenue. Legalize it and tax it, that’s what I say. But then again I’m a Libertarian.

Queen of Thorns: This is a monarchy. Your nephew is literally the King.

Tyrion: Oh right. Whatever.

The feast begins and the first several of the 77 courses arrive. Sansa isn’t hungry. Tyrion is… but only for more alcohol. This dude just wants to get SMASHED today.   Then the entertainers come out. They play several songs, including “The Rains of Castamere” like 40 different times.

Tyrion: Oh what a fabulous song to hear at a wedding. Over and over again. Not at all foreboding. Tell me Sansa, which version did you like the best?

Sansa: Huh? What? Sorry. I wasn’t listening.

Tyrion: Ah right. Dead inside.

Joffrey: ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF THESE DUMB SONGS! I have a really cool special treat I want to show everyone. HEY EVERYBODY! CHECK THIS OUT!

Joffrey claps his hand and a bunch of “Royal Jousters” come out. Only the “Jousters” are all dwarves on donkeys, pigs, dogs and maybe even a giant pink shark or something. They reenact the War of the Five Kings, with an elaborate and offensive show that involves humping and the murder of the Starks.

Joffrey is bawling. He thinks it is hilarious.

Sansa: *eye twitch* must… not… murder… everyone.

Tyrion: Whatever. *drinks more*

Joffrey: So tell me uncle, did you enjoy that?

Tyrion: Uhh… yeah. It was great.

Joffrey: WHAT?! YOU WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO ENJOY THAT! IT WAS MEANT TO OFFEND YOU! HENCE THE DWARVES.

Tyrion: *lying* No, it was great. I loved it. *drinks more*

Joffrey: Well… you better join them then, Uncle Dwarfy. You see? Because it’s a bunch of dwarves! So you should fight too.

Tyrion: No, no. I get it. Really. It’s not that complicated. You think it’s super witty. *drinks*

Joffrey: JOIN THEM AND FIGHT! RIDE THAT DONKEY AND FIGHT THEM! I AM TRYING TO HUMILIATE YOU!

Tyrion: Hey, I’ll ride the donkey if you come out and ride a dog with me for the battle.

Joffrey: What? I don’t get it. I’m not a midget, why would I be in the battle against you?

Tyrion: Because you’re a cowardly, shitty fuckface with no talent or skills and therefore you are literally the only human being in this feast that I could easily beat in a battle.

Crowd: *complete and total awkward silence*

One Guy: Uhh… HAHAHAHA! Great joke there, Tyrion!

Then, afterwards, other people start laughing to break up the tension.

Joffrey: GRRR! COME OVER HERE NOW, UNCLE DWARFY! BE MY CUPBEARER!

Tyrion: Oh yeah, sure. It’s a great honor.

Joffrey: IT’S NOT MEANT TO BE AN HONOR! CUPBEARERS ARE POOR, LOWLY PEOPLE!

Tyrion: Oh, well. I’d get to be a cupbearer for a KING though. So I’m super honored.

Joffrey: GGRRRR!!!! STOP NOT BEING ANGRY!!!!!

Joffrey pours wine all over him.

Tyrion: Oh my goodness, King Joffrey. You seem to have accidentally spilled that.

Joffrey: IT WASN’T AN ACCIDENT!!!! GRRRR!!!!!!!!

Ser Garlan Tyrell: Joffrey… dude… cut that shit out. You’re being a grade-A asshole.

Joffrey: NO! I WANT TO CONTINUE TO HUMILIATE MY UNCLE!

Margaery Tyrell: Oh, look honey! It’s a big wedding pie, stuffed with birds! We should cut it open.

Joffrey: Ugh. If you insist. Someone order Ser Ilyn Payne to come out and bring his sword. I mean it’s not like I’d do it with Widow’s Wail or anything.

Payne comes out with a sword that isn’t Ice.

Sansa: Odd. What happened to my dad’s sword? I thought Ilyn kept it.

Joffrey and Margaery do that lame “couple” thing where they cut the pie open together by both holding the sword. A bunch of birds then fly out of the pie.

Tyrion: Well, enough of this bullshit. My wife doesn’t look well. She’s pale and not really eating. This ceremony is pretty much over. I’m just going to leave now and…

Joffrey: NO! YOU CAN’T LEAVE! You’re my cupbearer! Come back over here so I can humiliate you some more.

Tyrion sighs and acts as the cupbearer.

Joffrey grabs the cup and drinks deeply from it. He also starts taking huge chunks of pie and starts eating it.

Joffrey: Hahahaha, this pie is so good! Must be poontang pie, am I right guys? I love eating that and am an expert at it! I’m just as good at that as I am at sword fighting and not being a fucking coward! I’m the best at… *cough*… uh… The best at… *cough*cough*… man, this is some dry-ass pie. 

Guy in Crowd: IT’S PROBABLY ONE OF THOSE SHITTY PATTI LABELLE PIES FROM WALMART!

Joffrey: Hahaha, *cough*cough*… Good one, guy in crowd! That’s a really *cough* good one. This is DRY AS FUCK… I can’t even.. *cough*cough*cough*COUGH*COUGH*

Queen of Thorns: This boy is choking! Will somebody please get him a glass of water?

Joffrey coughs harder and harder. He drops his chalice to the ground and grabs his neck. He’s choking to death.

Cersei: HELP! HELP! HELP! MY BOY!!!! HE’S CHOKING!

The crowd starts to break into total chaos, with people screaming and running. They trample each other. Tyrion looks into Joffrey’s eyes. He’s terrified. He falls to the ground and Cersei grabs his body. Margaery is sobbing.

Margaery: AGAIN?! AGAIN?! WHY DO MY HUSBANDS KEEP DYING?

Queen of Thorns: Yeah, I guess you’ll die a “virgin” then, huh?

Margaery: *knowing stare*

Joffrey lay there. Dead.

Queen of Thorns: THE POOR BOY! HE CHOKED!

Cersei: CHOKED?! CHOKED?! NO! HE WAS POISONED! BY HIM!

Cersei points towards Tyrion.

Tyrion then turns around behind him to see who she was pointing at.

Tyrion: Who are… oh… wait… me, huh? FUCK.

Cersei: ARREST HIM! HIM AND HIS STARK WIFE!

Tyrion: Oh yeah. My wife. I bet she—

He turns around again. She’s gone.

Tyrion: DOUBLE FUCK!  You know what… on second thought, maybe my wedding wasn’t that bad.

Swordsmen surround Tyrion. Which sucks because most people relate to this character and cheer for him. But they're not that sad because Joffrey is dead, which is the key thing here and is awesome

ASoS 59: Sana IV

Ned: Hey Sansa!

Sansa: Daddy! You’re alive!

Ned: Of course I am. Me dying was just a terrible nightmare you had! And look who else is here to see you!

Lady comes running through the door and licks Sansa on the face.

Cat: Awww! Look how adorable you and Lady are together, Sansa!

Robb: Yes. It’s great to see that Lady is alive. As am I, my mom, my dad, Bran, and Rickon.

Ned: Nobody cares about Arya though. Forget Arya. We all hate Arya and she’s stupid, unlike you Sansa. You’re the best!

Sansa: YAAAAAY!

Sansa then wakes up from her dream and remembers that that’s all a lie. Her family is all dead and Lady is all dead.

Sansa: Fuck.

Her new maids, Shae and Brella, come to give her a bath.
Sansa: I hate these new maids. And what’s up with this Shae bitch. She always looks at me funny.

Shae: I’m literally right here scrubbing you down so you can get clean for the Wedding, you fucking cunt.

Sansa: Oh. Is it the Wedding Day?

Shae: Yes. King Joffrey and Margaery Tyrell are getting married. TODAY!

Tyrion then walks in. He is DRUNK AS HELL.

Tyrion: Oh hey honey… and also HEY SANSA. Hahahaha. Get it?

Shae: *rolls eyes*

Tyrion goes for more wine.

Sansa: Uhh… a little early for that, "husband"?

Tyrion: I’ve got to see my stupid sister and her stupid inbred son today. And I have no intention on seeing them sober.

He downs a bottle.
Sansa: Ugh. Okay. Well let me try to get some breakfast. Not that I’m hungry. Especially with this 77-course meal that we’re supposed to have for dinner.

At breakfast, neither Sansa nor Tyrion really eat anything.  Breakfast is followed by a big ceremony where everyone presents wedding gifts to King Joffrey.  Joffrey gets a bunch of boring, bullshit gifts from everyone else that aren’t worth mentioning.
Joffrey: Uncle Dwarfy… what did you get me?

Tyrion: I got you a copy of Lives of Four Kings, by Grand Maester Kaeth. It’s about the lives of four Targaryen kings; Daeron I, Baelor I, Aegon IV and Daeron II. It’s a super famous and rare book, worth millions of dollars.

Joffrey: Uh huh. A book. You might have well got be some fucking socks or something, you dumb piece of shit.

Tyrion: I literally just said it’s worth millions of dollars.  But I suppose you’d like a different gift instead, huh? Maybe a Valyrian Steel blade with a dragonbone hilt?

Joffrey: I don’t follow

Tyrion: You know. Then you can use it to try to murder Bran Stark in a desperate attempt to earn the love and attention of your absentee father?

Jofffrey: *blinks*

Everyone Else: *awkward silence*

The Elephant in the Room: So is this it? Is this as close as the books actually get to “answering” the question of who the catspaw assassin in? We just leave this vague hint that it was “probably” Joffrey but then never actually answer it?

Yes. 

Gold Cloak:  Hey! How did this elephant get in here? Are elephants even native to Westeros? I know they're in Essos. Just wait until we introduce the Golden Company in the follow-up books. Anyway...


He shoots the elephant.

Joffrey: Granddad, what did you get me?

Tywin: Oh… you know… nothing much. Just this AWESOME VALYRIAN STEEL SWORD *cough* THAT I MELTED DOWN FROM NED STARK’S SWORD*cough*

Sansa: What was that last part? I didn't catch it between the cough.

Tywin presents it to his grandson, who grabs it.

Joffrey: OH MY GOD! THIS IS SO SWEET! What should I name it?

Person: Doombringer!

Other Person: Shard of Hate!

Third Person: Griswold's Masterpiece!

Honest Person: Dipshit Whiny Coward’s Stupid Sword That He'll Never Use Because He's Too Much of a Pussy to Actually Fight!

Joffrey: Did someone say “Widow’s Wail?”

Everyone: NO!

Joffrey: Nah. I’m pretty sure I heard, “Widow’s Wail.” I’m going to name it that, HAHAHA! For how many widows I make after I kill a bunch of people because I’m a real warrior and not just some shitty coward. YEAH! OH, and hey Sansa! How’s it going with your dead family?

Sansa: I hope you fall and break your neck.

Joffrey: WHAT WAS THAT? Hey… maybe since my Uncle Dwarfy doesn’t know how to get it up and have sex with you, I’m going to have to visit your bedchamber tonight and show him how it’s done! Hehehehe! 

Joffrey then uses his new sword to slash apart the book that Tyrion gave him.

Tyrion is furious, but tries to hold in his anger. He simply drinks more.

After the gift-giving ceremony, it’s time to head off to the actual Wedding.

The Red Viper and his paramour, Ellaria Sand, join up with Tyrion and Sansa as they make their way over.

Red Viper: It’s a shame about that book. That was a really fucking cool book, man. I’m sorry your nephew is a total inbred dipshit.

Tyrion: Whatever. Just leave me along. I’m trying to be drunk and not go “Snapped.”

Red Viper: You know, that book had some interesting opinions about King Baelor the Blessed. Some say he was a pious, religious man. But others say he was batshit insane from a bunch of snake venom that he had in him. But there are no snakes here now. So how do you explain why Joffrey is such a dipshit?

Tyrion: Haha, good one. Hey Sansa, did Joffrey ever express any interest in murdering Bran when he was up in Winterfell?

Sansa: Oh wow. We’re talking about murdering my family again, huh? What a pleasant conversation. Let me just finish this by going with the usual “my family are all traitors” line I give to all Lannisters, because I’m pretty sure you’re trying to trap me with some shit.

Tyrion: Man, this is just the most awkward marriage of all time, isn’t it?

ASoS 58: Tyrion VII

Tyrion watches Sansa sleep, which is sort of creepy.  I mean I know they’re husband and wife… but it was also an arranged marriage with a child bride. And even if this were a strictly normal marriage with two people who loved each other very much… that would still be SORT OF creepy.

Oh, another reason it’s sort of creepy is she has also just learned from him about how his family murdered her brother and mother. I suppose that is sort of awkward. He spared her the worst details. Like the stuff about the Freys sewing Grey Wind’s head onto Robb’s decapitated corpse or how Cat’s naked body was thrown into the river.

Sansa was pretty much shellshocked and unable to do or say anything after learning. But then again, her entire life for the last several years has just been a permanent state of shock and misery.

The only joy Tyrion gets from this marriage is that he got to move to a different part of the castle, far away from Cersei. His room is actually above an area where the dragon skulls are stored, and he uses a secret passage to met Shae and have sex with her in the dark. Inside of the giant jawbones of dead dragons. Ya know, while we’re on the subject of super creepy things.

Shae has also been hired as one of Sansa’s maids now. That lets him see her more. But Tyrion knows that Varys will sell him out in a second if Cersei even gets the slightest inkling about the relationship.

Tyrion: Ugh. This Shae shit is getting out of hand. We’re going to get caught soon. I need to send her away. Maybe to Chataya’s brothel. Or… you know what… nobody knows that she’s a whore. Everyone thinks she’s this servant girl. I bet I could marry her off to somebody. There is that Ser Tallad the Hedge Knight guy. He was pretty impressive in the Battle of the Blackwater. And he’s tall. Maybe I can marry Shae off to him and be done with her. Then her life won’t be in danger!

Okay, that’s it. The chapter is over now.

Tyrion: What? Really? There was only that one piece of dialogue, which was me speaking to myself in an aside. There really isn’t going to be anything else?

Nope. That’s it. This is a short one.

Tyrion: Man. This chapter wasn’t even funny or anything. Where were the jokes and stuff? Lame.  I’m going to start drinking.

ASoS 57: Daenerys V

Dany looks at a list of cities she’s conquered.

Dany: Yunkai? CHECK! Astapor? CHECK! Okay. So what’s next?

Jorah: Meereen, my queen.

Dany: Oh, sweet! Also, that rhymes.

And so they go to Meereen with their giant army. Along the way, they see a bunch of crucified slave children who are nailed up with one arm pointing to Meereen as if to say, “here is the way!”

Jorah: Oh, how convenient! They made a map for us. How helpful!

Dany: They’re CHILDREN for Christ’s sake, Jorah.

Jorah: Yeah… but… you know… slave children. So it’s not like they matter.

Dany: I WILL AVENGE THEM!

They keep marching and finally they get there to Mereen. But somebody has obviously called ahead and let Meereen know about it, because the city has locked up all its gates and put armed men all over the walls.  The soldiers pull out their little pink things and urinate in the direction of Dany and her army as a sign of defiance.

Eventually, the gate opens and one solider comes out.

Oznak zo Pahl: I AM OZNAK ZO PAHL!

Not Barristan: Shhh! You don’t have to speak in allcaps.

Oznak: Oh. Right. Sorry. Anyway, I am Meereen’s greatest champion. I will fight Dany’s greatest champion in single combat.

Dany: Oh, cool. So something like if we lose then we turn and leave but if we win… you’ll open up the gates to the city and let us in?

Oznak: No.

Dany: Then why should I agree to it?

Oznak: I dunno. It’s just sort of a thing we do. Like for honor and stuff.

Jorah: Please Dany! Let me have the honor!

Dany: Hahaha… YOU think you’re my greatest champion, Jorah? That’s pretty damn rich. No. I’d rather give it to fucking Strong Belwas.

Jorah: What? Really? Strong Belwas? He’s an absolutely worthless, throw-away character. He’s not even in the TV show. He’s some fat, emo weirdo that likes to cut himself. Absolutely nobody cares about him. At least in the TV show you sent out Daario.

Dany: Mmm. Daario. Yessssssssss.

She starts touching herself at the mention of his name.

Not Barristan: YOUR GRACE! Not in public!

Dany: Oh right. Right *ahem* Sorry about that. Look, Daario is actually too precious to me to send out to fight. Strong Belwas is… well… exactly like you said, Jorah. Totally fucking expendable. So if we lose nobody will care. Like Oznak said, there is literally NOTHING on the line for who wins or lose.

So they send Belwas in.

Strong Belwas: STRONG BELWAS SPEAKS IN THIRD PERSON! PLEASE CUT STRONG BELWAS!

Oznak: Hey. I thought we weren’t supposed to be doing that allcaps thing.

Oznak strikes Belwas with his blade and cuts him open.

Strong Belwas: OOOH! THAT GETS OFF STRONG BELWAS. STRONG BELWAS IS SO HARD.

Oznak: Ugh. Gross.

While Oznak is being disgusted by Strong Belwas’s fetish, Belwas stabs him to death.  Strong Belwas then crouches down and takes a giant dump on his corpse. 
Dany: Nasty. It was much better in the show when it was peeing and it was… mmMmmm… Daario. *starts fanning her loins*

Strong Belwas comes back and they take a look at his wounds.

Dany: You know my husband died from an infection from a wound like that. But then again a crazy gypsy woman did probably put some poison in him or something. Still, you need to gets some hydrogen peroxide and some Neosporin.

She sends him off and then talks to the rest of her battle commanders.

Dany: Well… what next? Killing their hero doesn’t make them open the gates to the city or anything. What should our strategy be?

Jorah: I say we just leave. It’s Westeros we want… not Meereen. Why cares? The cost would be too high. We’d waste all of our good slaves fighting them.

Dany: Slaves?

Jorah: Huh?

Dany: You called them slaves. They’re not slaves anymore. I freed them.

Jorah: Oh right. Slaves. Brown people. Whatever. Same thing.

Dany: You are THE WORST, Jorah. How does anybody like you at all?

Brown Ben Plumm: HELLO! Speaking of Brown people… I am Brown Ben Plumm! The new leader of the Second Sons!

Dany: What the hell? We’re introducing MORE new characters?

Brown Ben: Yes. The old commander, Mero, fled and hid when you attacked him at night. But the rest of the forces abandoned him and joined team Dany. I now lead them.

Dany: So what happened to Mero?

Brown Ben: He’s gone. He fled.

Dany: Did anyone LOOK for him particularly hard?

Brown Ben: Meh. Sort of. ANYWAY, I wanted to tell you something. I used to be in Meereen. Except I figured out how to sneak out. I used the sewer system. Oh man, I waded through tons and tons of human feces to sneak out. Just like Shawshank Redemption. It was rough, but I escaped!

Jorah: Gross. Is that why they call you Brown Ben?

Brown Ben: No. Man, you are just the MOST RACIST guy there could be, huh Jorah? I’m not even totally black, you know. I’m mixed. I’m part Targaryen!

Dany: You’re shitting me.

Brown Ben: Nah, I’m not, cuz. See how your dragon likes me?

He pets Drogon. Drogon starts purring.

Dany: Hrmm. Maybe.

Brown Ben: I have another relative with a six foot cock as well. Because… you know… the other part of me is black.

Dany: Are you hitting on me?

Brown Ben: Maybe.

Dany: Protip for the next time you want to hit on a girl, Brown Ben… start with the “six foot cock” thing. Don’t start with, “we are probably related.”

Brown Ben: Ah right. I see now how that was a flawed strategy. Although aren’t you… uhh… I mean aren’t WE Targaryens into that kind of stuff?

Dany: Get to the point, Brown Ben Plumm. Why did you bring up your crawling through shit story? Are you trying to tell me that if there is a way out through the sewer… then there must also be a way in through the sewer? Just like in—

Brown Ben: --Yes, exactly Khaleesi. Just like in Act II of Diablo III.

Dany: Exactly what I was going to say. The Caldeum act. Okay, I’m a little leery of this idea but I wish to think more on it.

Brown Ben: Okay. Where do you plan on thinking about it?

Dany: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just wander off on my own into the giant crowds of followers who surround me.

Brown Ben: Sounds reasonable.

And so Dany wanders off into the giant crowd of thousands upon thousands of people who now follow her army around.

Guy: Hey there!

Dany: Hi. Who are you? Gosh, that’s a strange set of glasses and mustache you have.

The guy takes the glasses and mustache off.

Titan's Bastard: IT IS ME! MERO! I was hiding in your camp of followers!

Dany: AGH!!! MERO, AKA THE TITAN'S BASTARD, AKA the 700th different douchebag character who makes sexist, crude and violent sexual comments about me!

Mero tries to kill her, but Not Barristan shows up.

Not Barristan: I’ll rescue you, Khaleesi!

Titan's Bastard: What? No way you can beat me, old man!

Not Barristan: Wanna bet?

Titan's Bastard: Yeah! Let’s fight! I bet I’ll kick you’re a—

Not Barristan quickly murders him.

Dany: Oh wow. That was a REALLY FAST fight.

Not Barristan: Well yeah, I am a really good knight.

Dany: KNIGHT? I thought you said you were a SQUIRE.

Not Barristan: Uhm… I…. ermm… uhh…

Jorah decides to show up too.

Jorah: Why, I’d recognize that fighting style ANYWHERE! I wonder why it took me so long to recognize you. Probably because I’m stupid like Lois Lane.

Dany: What? Who is it, Jorah? WHO IS IT?

Jorah: Khaleesi… the man who has pretending to be “NOT BARRISTAN” this whole time is actually…………… BARRISTAN!

Dany: *gasp*

Everyone Else: *the opposite of gasp, whatever that is*

Barristan: Yes. It’s true. I am Barristan Selmy. Former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.

Dany: Right. And when my father was murdered, you turned on the Targaryens and became loyal to Robert the Usurper!

Barristan: I admit it, and it shames me.  But when Joffrey cast me aside… I knew I had no choice but to find the TRUE KING! Which… you know… I suppose wound up being a QUEEN.  I be your forgiveness for concealing the truth from you, but I knew that I could not reveal this truth to you because I was in Small Council meetings for King Robert where I learned that VARYS THE SPIDER HAS A SPY FROM WESTEROS IN YOUR CAMP, WATCHING YOU!

Dunn dunnnnn DUNNNNNNNN!!!!

Dany: A SPY! But who… who could that be?

Dany looks around, desperately trying to figure out who the SPY FROM WESTEROS could possibly be. You know. Since that’s a really tough one to call. What with there being only one other human being from Westeros in her entire camp of followers.

Jorah: *whistles innocently*

Dany: JORAH!!!!!

Jorah: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Come ooooon! *holds hands up* 

Dany: Tell me this isn’t true, Jorah!

Jorah: Maybe it’s a little true. But that was, like, a long time ago. King Robert promised that I’d be allowed to return home. But that was before… before… before… I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!

Sitcom Audience: Awwwww!!!

Dany: NO! NO! STOP THAT! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! SOMEONE EXECUTE THAT SITCOM AUDIENCE!

Dany is furious. She remembers the prophecy. She would be betrayed three times. Obviously Jorah is one of those three.

Dany: You know what… fuck the both of you. You damn liars. Jorah, you were going to sell me out. And Barristan, you lied about who you were and previously were part of my enemies. I henceforth BANISH you both.

Jorah: Banish us? But to where?

Dany: Hrm. I’ve got a good idea…

Jorah: Well?

Dany: Oh, I’m not going to tell you know. It’s a cliffhanger.

Jorah: Damnit.