ASoS 67: Jaime VIII

Jaime, while he was away from Kings Landing, was made the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Well, now that he’s back and he’s already taken care of the important things like having sex with his sister next to the dead body of their incest child, it’s time for him to move into the apartments of the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Jaime: Well, time to put my white cloak uniform on and be a Kingsguard again!

Jaime puts it on, but it’s very ill-fitting. What with him starving and getting all skinny in his adventures.

Jaime: I guess there is also this book about all the members of the Kingsguard that the Lord Commander is supposed to update, huh? Yeah… let me take a look and read that.

Jaime looks at it, and it looks like the last person to update was Barristan Selmy.  Selmy was, in fact, so dutiful that he even updated his own firing while he was fleeing out of town to avoid being murdered by Joffrey.

Jaime: *ahem*… Barristan Selmy wrote of Barristan Selmy, “Awesome dude. The best. So honorable. So many achievements. Very wow. Fired by shithead Joffrey and will now flee to Essos to work for Dany. But nobody reads this so I assume nobody will ever know that. Peace out, bitches!”

Jaime reads the rest of Barristan’s accomplishments as a knight. They are many and plentiful. Then he reads his own entry.
Jaime: “Jaime Lannister. Kingslayer. He exists.”  MAN! What the hell?! It’s like… in comparison to all these other people in this book, I’ve accomplished NOTHING!

And then Jaime realizes that it looks that way because it’s true. He reads the entries for guys like Ser Arthur Dayne and he gets sad. He’s accomplished so little compared to their great deeds. They were his idols. They will be remembered forever. How will he be remembered?

Later, Jaime’s apartment hosts a meeting for the other five remaining sworn brothers of the Kingsguard – Osmund Kettleblack, Boros Blount, Meryn Trant, Loras Tyrell and Balon Swan. The sixth member, Arys Oakheart, is off at Dorne with his daughter. Jaime thinks about these guys. Balon and Loras seem like they might be okay dudes. Boros and Meryn he knows are complete assholes. Osmund… well… Osmund is a total mystery since he has barely ever met him before and he rose up the ranks to become Cersei’s yes boy while he was away.
Jaime: Well, it’s good to gather all the Kingsguard here all in one place.

Balon: Shouldn’t one of us be guarding the king though?

Jaime: Hrm. Good point. Let’s make this meeting quick. So who thinks my brother poisoned Joffrey?

Boros and Meryn raise their hands.

Jaime: Hrm. What a coincidence. The who assholes who I dislike the most.

Balon: It could have been anyone. Lots of people had access to Joffrey’s cup.

Knight of Flowers: I bet it was that bitch Sansa. I never liked her. She had just as much motive to want Joffrey head.

Jaime: Hrm. She did. Good point. But then pretty much everyone has a motive to kill Joffrey because he’s an absolute dick.

Balon: Wait… didn’t you give her a flower at that tournament for the Hand of the King and declare her as beautiful?

Knight of Flowers: Huh? What? Did I?
Jaime: Well, the past is the past. Let’s just forget it. Joffrey is dead and Tommen is King. And unlike the rest of you shitty Kingsguard who let kings die on your watch… I intend for Tommen to live a long life where he dies of old age. 

Balon: What about un-treatable cancer when he's middle aged?  It’s not like that would be the Kingsguard’s fault either.

Jaime: True. Natural causes is what I’m trying to say. No more poisoning. From now on, I declare that the King needs a food taster to make sure his food isn’t poisoned. BOROS… that will be your job.

Boros: WHAT?! I am a knight of the Kingsguard! I am not some peasant boy who should be food taster! This is an insult.

Jaime: Well, you know, it was sort of meant as an insult. So, in conclusion, fuck you sideways with a rusty sword.

Boros: I won’t be told what to do by some fucking CRIPPLE!

He stands up and puts his hand on his sword.

Jaime: Hahaha. You want to try me, biatch? Let’s see how well you do against my left hand.

Boros takes his hand off his sword and storms out of the room, angrily.

Jaime: Hahaha, awesome. He totally didn’t call my bluff on that one. In reality, I SUCK HARD with my left hand. I’m completely useless.  OKAY… next up… Balon. Why have I never heard of you before I came back to Kings Landing? Usually people who are promoted to the Kingsguard are pretty famous knights who win tournaments or battles or at the very least serve in great houses.

Osmund: Ah, well, I started off as a common sellsword. You know. For some people. You probably haven’t heard of them.

Jaime: Ugh. You sound like a hipster. Okay, you can leave too.

Osmund is dismissed and exits.

Jaime: Next up… MERYN. I hear you like beating women and children, huh?

Meryn: What?

Jaime: You know, all that beating of that little girl Sansa you did. You fucking sick-o.

Meryn: I did what the king ordered me to do. I was simply obeying my king!

Jaime: If the king told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

Meryn: Well… erm… no.

Jaime: If the king told you to remove your lower ribs and suck yourself off in front of the whole throne room… would you?

Meryn: Gross. No. Maybe in private, but…

Jaime: --King Joffrey was a fucking child. A child not yet of age to make decisions like that. You will not blindly obey child kings in the future. Unless it’s about something mundane and stupid. If King Tommen tells you to get him a new pet cat… you will do that, okay? But if King Tommen  tells you to MURDER a cat in front of him to watch it die… you come and tell me about that so I can smack the fuck out of him, okay?

Meryn: But… he’s the king!

Jaime: You will obey me, you will obey Cersei, and you will obey our father. A child can’t make decisions like that from the realm. Get it?

Meryn: *grumbles* Yes.

Jaime: Now get out of my sight.

Trant leaves.

Jaime: Okay Balon, you’re next up. The Kingsguard is honored by your presence.

Balon: Oh wow. A complement instead of being berated like the others? Cool.

Jaime: BUT—

Balon: Ah, damnit. I knew there would be a but.

Jaime: But your brother, Donnel, is a potential problem. First Donnel swore to Renly. Then he swore to Stannis. Then he lost at the Battle of the Blackwater and bent the knee to Joffrey.  Tommen will be the fourth different king he bends the knee to.  Do I need to be worried about him swapping to a FIFTH king if things ever get a little rough around here? He doesn’t seem loyal to anyone.

Balon: Hey man, Donnel is Donnel and I’m Balon. Who knows what that guy will do?

Jaime: True. But I do care about what YOU will do. Let’s say your brother swears to a new king and abandons Joffrey. Then you’ll be in a place where you have to choose between your family and your king. What will you do then? Protect the king at all costs? Or jump sides and stay with your family, betraying the king.

Balon: Ah, I see what’s happening here. Projection.

Jaime: Huh?

Balon: You’re not really talking about me. You’re talking about yourself.

Jaime: Explain.

Balon: Well, Mad King Aerys wanted your father dead and your family sided with Robert. So you had to choose between your duties as Kingsguard to Aerys or your family. And you chose your family by murdering the king.  So you’re not REALLY asking me about what I’d do with Tommen. You’re asking if YOU made the right decision in the past. You’re trying to justify your own actions and morality.

Jaime: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. But no. You’re wrong. I am asking you about Tommen. What would you do?

Balon: Well… I sure as fuck wouldn’t do what you did and become a Kingslayer, you piece of shit.

Jaime: Hahaha, oh man. Balon, Balon, Balon. You keep that shit real, don’t you? You passed that trick question with flying colors. Good work. Now get the fuck out of here.

That leaves only the Knight of Flowers remaining.

Jaime: Ugh. You. Young. Cocky. Smug. Sure of yourself. With that shit-eating grin on your face. Everything about you is so fucking annoyi….. OH MY GOD, I just realized why I hate you so much. You are me. Everything about me when I joined the Kingsguard is you.

Knight of Flowers: Correct, in this scene you are asking the rest of us what we would do. But this chapter isn’t about us. It’s about you.

Jaime: So tell me the truth… everybody knows that the Ghost of Renly didn’t really join the Battle of the Blackwater. Who was wearing Renly’s armor? Was it you, Loras?

Knight of Flowers: Nah, it was my brother Garlan. It was Littlefinger’s suggestion.  And before you jump into the same line of questioning that you did with Balon, let me cut you off. I will defend King Tommen to my last breath. I will not betray him. But like Swann, I’ve obviously changed who I’m loyal to. I’m not ashamed of that. If Renly were still alive, I’d still be with him. He was the king who should have been.

Jaime: Yeah, whatever. So what do you think we should do about Brienne of Tarth?

Knight of Flowers: She should die for killing my beloved… ermm… for killing Renly! She tricked him into making her a Knight!

Jaime: So it’s not honorable to use trickery? Because I remember some asshole who used a mare in heat during a tourney fight with the Mountain in order to win his match.

Knight of Flowers: That was me.

Jaime: Yes, I know.

Knight of Flowers: Oh. Oh. Right. I get it now.

Jaime: And were you there to see Brienne kill Renly, like you accuse her of?

Knight of Flowers: No! But even if she didn’t murder him… it’s still her fault! She was there to protect him and he died anyway. It was her job to keep him alive and she failed!

Jaime: You mean just like it was your job to keep Joffrey alive and you failed?

Knight of Flowers: Ah. Okay. Right. I get it again. I see.

Jaime: She says it was the Shadow of Stannis that killed Renly and that she could save him no more than you could save Joffrey. How exactly does one fight a shadow?

Knight of Flowers: Uhm. I dunno. Ghostbusters? Her story about that shadow sounds like total bullshit. But then again, something pierced right through Renly’s armor and killed him. Something strong. That bitch is strong but not THAT strong. Maybe it was some type of magic.

Jaime: Well, I’ve put Brienne in a jail cell for you. Go to her. Ask her. Interrogate her yourself. Get her side of the story. Judge her guilt or innocence fairly as a knight. I promise whatever you decide, I will accept it. Now get the hell out of here too!

Loras leaves and Jaime thinks about how the Knight of Flowers had killed the other of Renly’s Rainbow Kingsguard in anger for failing to protect him. Loras loved Renly so much that he killed Robar and Emmon.  Jaime wonders why he’s barely even considering to do the same to the Kingsguard who failed to protect his son. He doesn’t wonder for long though.

Jaime: Oh right, I never actually loved that little shit. Now… to do something about this missing hand. I think I should get a golden one to replace it. Yes! A golden hand! That would be awesome to fingerblast my sister with!

Jaime looks back over to the book about the Kingsguard and his almost empty page in it. It’s his duty to fill that page up with his deeds. If he wants to be as great a knight as Barristan and the Star in the Morning… he can still do it.

Jaime: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves!

Loras pops his head back in.

Knight of Flowers: You stole that from Terminator 2.

Jaime: Shut up, Loras.

ASoS 66: Tyrion IX, Part 2

Day 1 of the trial has concluded, and Tyrion has been sent back to his quarters. 

Tyrion: Well, that sucked. Everyone is trying to make me look guilty. Fucking Kettleblacks, man.

His uncle, Ser Kevan is there too. He's the closest thing Tyrion is given to a lawyer/public defender.

Kevan:  Dude, you really need some witnesses if you want to not be executed.

Tyrion: What about Varys? That dude is TOTES on my side, right?

Kevan: Eh. Sure. I guess we can look for him.

Kevan leaves to go locate Varys. 

But Varys never shows up.

The trial resumes the next day.  The first witnesses are all the Maesters they have in town.

Maester Ballabar: It was poison.

Maester Frenken: Yep. Definitely poison.

Maester Pycelle: Tyrion once stole a whole lot of poison from me. It's true. He probably killed the boy! The poor, poor boy! Oh what a great and wonderful king he was! The most noble person in all the kingdom!

Tyrion: --I OBJECT! I object mainly to Joffrey being called a noble person because EVERYBODY here knows that Joffrey is a human fucking stain.

There is a quiet murmor of agreement in the court. 

Tyrion: But more importantly... I OBJECT because I want to to answer me this: did any of the poisons that I confiscated from you while you were IN JAIL cause symptoms that match what Joffrey died from?

Pycelle: Erm... uhh... well, technically no... but...

Tywin: --TYRION! I'm warning you!

Tyrion: What the fuck, dad? I'm not allowed to cross-examine lying witnesses?

Tywin: No. Not really. It's not that type of trial. It's more of the "we're killing time, waiting until Ilyn Payne sharpens his sword" trial.

And so to kill time, a parade of additional witnesses are called against him. Lady Merryweather claims she saw him slip something into the cup.

Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't even know who Lady Merryweather is! Why is she my enemy? Not that long ago I literally SAVED THIS CITY with my plans to defend it... and now everyone is betraying me?

The trial ends again for the day.  Again, Varys does not come to Tyrion's aid per his request. Where the hell is Varys anyway?

In his quarters again that night...

Kevan: You know, you should just confess.

Tyrion: I didn't do it!

Kevan: You'd be allowed to take the black.

Tyrion: You really think I'm falling for that after what happened to Ned Stark?

Kevan: You have no witnesses for you. And even if you were innocent, you'd be safer on the Wall than in Kings Landing. The mob will kill you even if the judges don't. Besides, your father is an honorable man. He wouldn't do you wrong like Joffrey did to Ned.

Tyrion: Ugh. I wish I could believe you. Let me... think on it over night.

And so Tyrion thinks on it over night.

The next day the trial resumes. The next witness up for the prosecution is FUCKING VARYS.

Tyrion: OH, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!

Varys: Yeah, so Tyrion had this scheme he was telling me about. He wanted to get rid of the Hound and kill Joffrey, and then make Tommen the king. But since Tommen is so young and stupid... he would really be in control and run the Kingdom himself as the Hand.  I got a bunch of documents here to prove it... which aren't all all forged.

Varys puts a bunch of documents that say "REAL, NOT FORGED" on them in crayon. The jurrors all nod at this really good evidence.

Tyrion: DAMNIT! FAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Fucking Moron Tyrell: Well, I don't see how it could be fake. It says "REAL, NOT FORGED" right on it.

Tyrion: You are the worst, dumbest shit ever, Mace.

And the trial ends for the day again. You'd think this could have all happened in one day, but they're really stretching this damn thing out.

That night,  the Red Viper comes to visit him.

Red Viper: Hey asshole, did you poison Joffrey?

Tyrion: NO! And why are you here? You're one of my judges. Surely you're not supposed to be here.

Red Viper: No, I'm not supposed to be here. But I'm here anyway. Shhh! It's a secret.

Tyrion: So, what did my father offer you to find me guilty?

Red Viper: Oh, nothing you fucking Lannisters do is ever that direct. But Cersei flirted with me about how she was single now, and I could tell what that was meant to imply.  I'd rather fuck a nest of scorpions than Cersei though.

Tyrion: Eww. On both accounts.


Red Viper: You know, it's good for me that you're the prime suspect in this. If they weren't blaming you... then they'd probably be blaming me. What with me hating the Lannisters and everything. PLUS there is the whole thing about Dornish law, you know.  Joffrey was the eldest child but Tommen is younger than Myrcella.  In Dorne, the female has just as much right as the male in inheriting thrones and titles. That would mean according to our law, Myrcella would be crowned and become Queen. And she's currency a hostage guest in Dorne, under our control and betrothed to my nephew.

Tyrion: Why are you telling me all of this? You're really making a good case against yourself. Besides, Dornish law doesn't apply here.

Red Viper: Well... what if we were to choose to crown her anyway? Who do you think Cersei would side with?

Tyrion: Hrm. Good point. She does have a giant stick up her ass about sexism holding her down in life. Seeing her daughter in charge would really "stick it to the man." She and Jaime are twins, yes. But she was born a few minutes before him and has always thought that means she comes first. But then again... Tywin would never allow it.

Red Viper: Hah! Tywin will not live forever

Tyrion: Ooh. Pretty menacing there. You know Varys has his "little birds" everywhere, right? I'd watch where you say things like that.

Red Viper: It was not a threat. It was just a statement of fact.  You know, Fatty Tyrell is convinced of your guilt already.  And you look pretty guilty to me too. So guilty, in fact, that I am sure of your innocence!

Tyrion: That must be the kind of logic that the OJ Simpson jury used when deliberating too.

Red Viper: Alas, justice is a farce here. I doubt you will be given justice, no matter how I vote. You will be condemned. It has all been decided in advance.

Tyrion: No shit, Sherlock.

Red Viper: So tell me of this story that your father says of my sister Elia's death and the death of her children with Rhaegar. Was it truly this "Ser Amory Lorch" that killed them? And is this Lorch fellow really dead himself?

Tyrion: It is true that Ser Amory killed your niece, Princess Rhaenys. And it is also true that Lorch was killed by a bear. But Elia and Prince Aegon? They were killed by Ser Gregor Clegane. The Mountain raped her before he killed her, just like the stories say. But... uhm... I don't think my dad actually gave the order.

Red Viper: He did though.

Tyrion: Yeah, fair enough.

Red Viper: Well, I still might be able to save you anyway.

Tyrion: How? You're only one judge. I'd need to win over TWO judges.

Red Viper: Oh, I wouldn't save you as your judge. I'd save you as YOUR CHAMPION.

Tyrion: Oh. Shit, dawg. You should have come in with that news as the first thing out of your mouth.

ASoS 66: Tyrion IX, Part 1

Tyrion is locked up in his quarters.  At least he's not in those dark dungeons below the Red Keep though! His uncle, Ser Kevan, comes in to visit him. 

Tyrion: Oh great. What news do you have for me?

Kevan: Your trial is supposed to begin soon. The Hand of the King will serve as the head judge.

Tyrion: Conflict of interest much? He’s my father and he HATES ME. He blames me for the death of his wife. And he’s also the grandfather of the murder victim.  That doesn’t really seem like an efficient justice system.

Kevan: Well, that’s just how justice works in medieval societies. He’s not the only one who is judge though. Lord Tyrell and Prince Oberyn will also be there.

Tyrion: Great. A sycophantic yes-man who will do anything that my father says… and a guy who has sworn revenge on all Lannisters. This should go well for me. They’re going to find me guilty, aren’t they?

Kevan: No, no! Of course not. It will be totally fair. *shifty eyes*

Tyrion: Am I allowed to have a trial by combat instead?

Kevan: Yeah, you are. But please note that Cersei has recalled The Mountain to Kings Landing. If you ask for a Trial by Combat, she will name Ser Gregor as her champion.

Tyrion: Damnit. Well, I guess a trial it is then. When will I be allowed to gather witnesses for my defense and interview them?

Kevan: Never. You’re stuck in this room.

Tyrion: DAMN IT. Can I have Podrick do it for me?

Kevan: I guess. But you’ll need to be quick about it. Your trial starts… like… super soon.

Tyrion: Ugh. Just send me Pod.  I’m innocent!

Kevan: Whatever you say, dood.

After quite some time... Pod shows up.

Pod: Okay, Ser Kevan told me that you wanted me to gather up a bunch of witnesses for you and interview them. Just give me the list of witnesses you want to testify on your behalf.

Tyrion: Uhhmmm… I… ah… haven’t been able to think of any.

Pod: Well, that’s the beginning of a fairly shitty defense strategy.

Tyrion: JUST SEND ME BRONN!

Pod: Okay, okay.

Pod leaves. But this time he definitely doesn’t return for a couple of days. In the meantime, Kevan returns and asks him about that whole witnesses thing.

Tyrion: Uhh… Sansa?

Kevan: She’s gone.

Tyrion: Figures.

Kevan: Also, Your trial starts in three days.

Tyrion: DAMN IT!

A day later, Pod finally returns with Bronn.

Tyrion: Took you long enough!

Bronn: Yeah, and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I’m scheduled to marry Lollys.

Tyrion: The fat, pregnant, ugly girl?

Bronn: Yep. But Lollys is the second-in-line to the Stokeworth heir. Her mother is up there in age and her older sister is sickly and barren. So, you know, that might make me a castle owner.

Tyrion: Ugh. I hate this “Bronn wants his castle” meme. Enough already!

Bronn: You once offered to double any bribe I was given.

Tyrion: I DID! And I still do! Fight on my behalf in trial by combat and you will have it all!

Bronn: Hahaha. No. You can’t really offer me gold, can you? You’re disowned and locked up by your family. And even if I thought you could pay… it means I have to fight THE MOUNTAIN. I’m not an idiot. Dead men can’t spend gold.

Tyrion: Ugh. Get out of my face then.

Bronn turns to leave. But before he goes…

Bronn: So, what are you going to do then?

Tyrion: I guess I’m just going to have to fight the Mountain myself!

Bronn peaces out. And that’s pretty much the last we see Bronn! But don’t worry… he’ll be back for some scenes of minor and unmemorable importance related to the potential inheritance of the Stokeworth estates in A Feast for Crows. Will he team up with Jaime Lannister and start going all over Westeros with him? NOPE.

Tyrion: Okay Pod. I'm obviously not really going to fight the Mountain myself. What am I going to do? Find wherever Shagga, Timett, or Randy Savage got to?

Pod: *shrugs*

Tyrion: No, of course not. They'd be impossible to find. They've gone back to their homelands in the Vale. Damn! Damn! Damn!

And so the next two days go by. Tyrion still can't call any other witnesses because Sansa remains missing. As a fun fact - Tyrion also learns that Dontos the fool is ALSO missing. But then again nobody gives a shit about Dontos.

Tywin: Well, trial time!

Tyrion: WHAT?! I thought I had three days!

Tywin: Yes. Remember, Kevan said you had three days. Then after that the narrator said it took another day for Pod and Bronn to return, and then after that another two days passed. That makes three.

And so everyone is in the court room now and Tyrion is on trial.

Tyrion: Geez, that was a quick three days.

Tywin: So did you kill Joffrey?

Tyrion: No.

Tywin: Well, I guess that settles it then. You're innocent. Trial over.

Tyrion: What? Really?

Tywin: Nah, just fucking with you. NEXT QUESTION... did Sansa kill Joffrey?

Tyrion: I... uh... don't really know, dad. If you ask me... the GODS killed Joffrey by having him choke on a pie for being such a little shit.

Twyin: Nope. It was poison. Now shut up, as we call the first witness. I CALL... SER BALON SWANN!

Tyrion: Balon Swann? Really? What does he have to say about me?

Balon: Hey look man, I don't think Tyrion killed Joffrey.

Tyrion: HAHAHA... WOW! If you're trying to use this witness against me... then you really fucked up big time, dad!

Twyin: SILENCE! You will not address the court until it is your turn, Tyrion. Now Ser Balon, please continue.

Balon: Right, so... like I was saying... I don't think Tyrion would do something like that. BUT... Remember when that big riot happened? That day there was all that chaos? Well... after it was all over, Tyrion blamed Joffrey for causing it all and struck him.

Tyrion: Haha, I did. CLASSIC.

Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! The next witness... Ser Meryn Trant!

Trant: *ahem* Well... Yeah, I was there too. What Ser Balon said is true. Tyrion hit him. And he also used to always defend Sansa against the king. When the king was with Sansa, Tyrion would always take her side!

Tyrion: BECAUSE HE WAS BEATING HER!

Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! THAT TESTIMONY IS INADMISSIBLE! Next up... the Kettleblacks!

Both the Kettleblacks come up to testify. Which one is speaking? Who cares, they're pretty much interchangable at this point in the story.

Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, so, I was there when Tyrion was with his sister, the Queen. And he told Cersei, "I will make your joy turn to ashes in your mouth."

Tyrion: --That was in response to her having Alayaya beaten! It had nothing to do with--

Tywin: --INADMISSIBLE! SOMEONE DUCT TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT!

Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, and... uh... Joffrey was always scared of Tyrion. He told me once he was afraid that his uncle would kill him.

Tyrion: --LIAR! LIAR! HOW MUCH IS CERSEI PAYING YOU?

Cersei: FATHER! Can you shut him up?

Tywin: Ugh. I've had ENOUGH of these outbursts. The trial will resume tomorrow. Tyrion, I want no more interruptions or I'm going to find you guilty out of spite.

Tyrion: I mean I might as well keep interrupting then. Because finding me guilty out of spite is exactly what you planned to do anyway, right?

Tywin: *shrugs coyly*

Tyrion is sent back to his room for the night.  This seems like as good of a point as any to break this SUPER long chapter in half, huh?

ASoS 65: Arya XII

Arya wishes that she could be asleep all the time. At least when she’s asleep she’s warging with Nymeria. When she’s Nymeria, she’s leading a pack of wolves. She’s free. She’s roaming the Riverlands and eating whatever she wants.

A splash of water from the Hound wakes Arya up though. She’s back to being herself. She’s back to being Arya Stark with every single human being in her family that she loves being dead.

Arya: Yeah, they’re all dead. Except for Sansa. But I don’t love her, so whatever.

The Hound: Get out of bed, sleepy head.

Arya: I’m going to kill you!

Hound: Yeah, yeah. You tell me that EVERY day and it never happens. I’m really starting to get tired of hearing it.  Blah blah. You’re going to kill me when I’m asleep. Blah blah. You’re going to escape when I’m not looking. Well go on. DO IT.

Arya just bites her lip.

Hound: Yeah, that’s what I thought.

She wouldn’t know where to go or what to do if she did escape. Arya has no one anymore. She’s not like Nymeria. She doesn’t have a pack. Gendry? Hot Pie? They never cared for her. They discarded her as soon as they had the chance.

Arya: Where are we going?

Hound: None of your beeswax.

Arya: I mean I’m PRETTY SURE that counts as my business.

Hound: Just shut up and be glad that I knocked you out with that axe rather than letting you go into the Twins to be killed by the Freys, just like your brother and mother were killed.

And so they continue on. They don’t take the main roads around here, because the Freys are still riding around and searching for any men loyal to the Starks. You know… to kill.

As Arya and the Hound sneak along, they run into one such unlucky soldier, who wears a banner of the House Tully. He’s the sole survivor of a massacre that has just occurred. But he doesn’t look like he’ll be a survivor for much longer.

Man: Water… water… please.

Hound: Girl, go get this guy some water.

Arya: OH COOL! So that we can give him some water before we mercy kill him? Sweet! You know… I also did that to some prisoners a while back by the Stoney Sept. Those were good times.

Hound: Ugh. I wish you wouldn’t talk.

They give the man some water. The Hound then sticks his dagger in him. He dies quickly.

Hound: Let’s check his wallet! Dibs on cash.

Arya: I wanted the money! No fair!

Hound: Here. You can have his dagger. 

Arya: Lame. Whatever.

Hound: Stop being such a whiner. It’s annoying.

Arya: And why WOULDN’T I be annoying? My entire family is dead and I have no idea where you’re taking me.

Hound: Well, your entire immediate family isn't dead. You still have an aunt.

Arya: Huh?

Hound: Lysa Arryn. In the Vale.

Arya: Oh right. I don’t even know that bitch. I’m not sure if I’ve ever even met her. This seems like a bad idea. You should have just let me go into the Twins. I bet my mom and brother are still alive. You didn’t see them dead, did you?

Hound: God, you’re such a dipshit. I ought to just cut your tongue out now so I don’t have to hear any of the dumb stuff that comes out your mouth anymore.

And Arya goes to sleep that night, dreaming of being Nymeria again. And by “dreaming of being Nymeria” I, of course, mean that she is actually warging into Nymeria and experiencing actual things that Nymeria experiences that are not dreams… but… in fact… real world occurrences that are actually happening.

NymArya: *sniff*sniff* HOWL! [Translation: Wow, I think I smell my mom. And by that I mean Arya’s mom. I could recognize that smell anywhere. HEY LOOK! There she is!]

NymArya sees Lady Cat’s dead body floating in the Trident River. She jumps in and her gang of wolf followers jump in with her. She swims to Cat’s body and gives it a good bite. Secure in her mouth, she brings the body back to shore.

NymArya: Woof? [Translation: Ughh… what do I do now?]

Just then, NymArya hears some people coming on horseback. 

NymArya: *yip* [Translation: Okay everyone, humans! Time to get out of here].

They bolt and run into the woods. Arya wakes up. 

Arya: AGHH!!! Man. What a trippy dream.

Hound: More noise. What now, girl?

Arya: Oh. Well. Don’t worry about it. It’s just that I know that my mom is dead for sure now. You see, I had this dream where—

Hound: --don’t care.

And so they ride on in silence.

Eventually they come to a village.

Hound: Hey there, village people.

Villager: You know, we hate being called that. If one more passing person starts singing YMCA at us, why I’m gonna—

Hound: —We’re hungry. We need food, provisions and shelter for our journey on to the Vale.

Villager: Well, first things first… we’re not going to GIVE you any of that. You’re going to need to work for it. And there is plenty of labor to do around here. Hard labor. A big man like you looks like you’d be up for it. Now… the second thing… don’t go to the Vale. That’s a big mistake. The road there is full of Shadowcats and Burned Men. You and your daughter will never make it there alive. You’ll either be eaten by giant black panthers or you’ll be murdered by Macho Man Randy Savage and his ilk.

Arya: Eww. I’m not his daugh—

Hound: —Shhh! Yes, we can work for food. That’s fine with me.

And so the Hound joins this group of villagers to do hard labor and help them out.

Arya: I hope Lem Lemoncloak doesn’t come to murder this entire village while you’re away cutting wood.

Hound: No. That’s TV show only… and it’s a pretty loose adaption of this scene. It doesn’t happen anything like that in the books.

They stick around for a few days and build a big house or something like that. A palisade? I dunno. What is a palisade?

Villager: Well, thanks for all your help, Hound. Now you can fuck off!

Hound: HEY! You know who I am! I never told you who I was! We were supposed to be  this incognito father and daughter couple who just wandered into town.

Villager: Well, you’re a gigantic dude with a half-burned face. It’s pretty obvious who you are.

Hound: I guess. We were promised food and provisions for helping out though!

Villager: Yes, and you ate plenty of food while you were here with us. That’s payment enough.

Hound: SONOFA…

Villager: I suppose I could also give you this though…

The villager hands him a rusty old sword and some ale.

Hound: Damnit.

They leave. Clegane drinks the ale.
Arya: Hey! Is this the way to the Vale?

Hound: No. You heard the villager. We’ll never make it there. I need to find somewhere new to take you. Maybe your great uncle, the Blackfish, will want you. I’m taking you to Riverrun.

Arya: Riverrun?! That’s where I was heading for IN THE FIRST PLACE! And then every time I tried to go there… someone turned me around and took me in another direction. That happened like three times already! I an so fucking over Riverrun. And I have never met the Blackfish either. Would he even want me? Forget about that. I say we go to the Wall instead. My brother, Jon, is up there. He’s my bestest friend. He’ll want to see me!

Hound: The Wall is, like, a bajillion freaking miles away. And there are two different wars happening between us and the Wall. No way.

Arya: What’s wrong? Scared of a little war or two? You a coward or something?

Hound: SHUT THE HELL UP! I’m not taking you to your stupid brother! BROTHERS SUCK!

Arya: Well that’s just you projecting your own personal problems with the Mountain, man.

ASoS 64: Jon VIII

Jon is asleep, and imagining that he’s back in Winterfell. It’s some trippy stuff with stone kings and Ygritte. Is it important for the plot? Not really, so let’s move on.

Jon: I’m awake now! Man, those were some weird dreams. That’s what happens when you take melatonin though, I guess.

A horn sounds.

Jon: Uh oh! A horn! That’s important. I wonder how many horn blows there will be.

He gets up and stumbles out of bed, despite the fact that his leg is still in massive pain from where he, ya know, pulled that arrow through it.

Jon waits in a line with several others to take the elevator up to the top of the Wall.
Jon: They really should install more elevators. Just one? I mean come on.

Zei: Yeah, right!

Jon: Wait… Zei? Who are you?

Zei: Another whore character.

Satin: Like me!

Zei: Only I’m a female from moletown. But I’m really good with a crossbow.

Jon: Fair enough. I guess you’ll be important enough to mention in this one chapter, followed by the next one. After which, you will never be mentioned again.

Zei: It’s a deal!

Satin: Is this another attack? And if so… who is attacking? I really, really hope it’s Mance Rayder. Because otherwise it would be the Others attacking. Which would not be good!

Jon: Does nobody pay any attention to the well established horn blowing signal system?!

They reach the top of the wall, and sees that it is indeed Mance’s army approaching.

Donal Noye: MEN! Assemble the trebuchets! Load them up with flaming pitch! The King Beyond the Wall is attacking with his mammoths.

Jon: Holy crap! There are like 100 mammoths out there.

Pyp: And there! Look! Wildlings are at the gate!

Jon: Do we have more barrels of that flaming hot oil up here… like me and Satin had last chapter?

Satin: YES! There! Look!

Jon: Sweet. Okay. Lets tip those over.

They tip those over the north side of the Wall, onto the attacking Wildlings.
Wildlings: AGHH!!!!

Jon: Haha, that never gets old.

Satin: Dude, you must REALLY be related to Arya. You got a little psycho killer in you.

Noye: MEN! I need backup to guard the tunnel below, in case the Wildlings break through. I will lead the forced down there. That means I need to leave someone in charge up here on the wall. Hrm. Let’s see… let’s see… eenie-meenie-minnie-moe…

Zei: I sure hopes he does the politically correct version of this rhyme instead of the original version.

Noye: Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows I’m going to lead Jon Snow in charge. Bastard! You have the Wall until I get back. Which I most certainly will.

Jon: Yowza! Accused of treason as soon as I get back… and now all of a sudden I’m in charge of the Wall?

Noye: Correct. But don’t read too much into that. You’ll only be in charge until I get back from going down in this tunnel to attack hordes of invading, vicious, Wildling forces that are well-armed, well-equipped, and supported by giants.

Jon: Speaking of well-armed… you only have one arm.

Noye: That is correct. I, a one-armed man, will lead the defense down below while you have control up here. Until I get back. Which I will. Get back, I mean.

Jon: We sure do seem to be lingering on this plot point about “until you get back” a lot.

Noye: Aye. Now who is coming with me to defend the gate?

Team of Red Shirts: Us!

Noye: Perfect.

Noye and the Red Shirts leave. Jon now controls the Wall.

The siege goes on for hours and hours and hours. It lasts the whole night. The next morning, Noye has still not returned. Jon can see the Wildling army though. It’s HUGE. It goes on beyond his eyes can see. But that might not be saying much because we don’t know what his eyesight is like and corrective lenses don’t really exist yet.
Satin: There must be a hundred thousand Wildlings out there!

Jon: Yeah, but the Wall will stop them! AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?

Everyone: Meh. Maybe.

Jon: Well, that wasn’t quite the morale-raising reaction to my pep talk that I was expecting. Let me try again. NO MAMMOTH! NO CAVARLY! NO GIANT CAN CLIMB THIS WALL! THEY SHALL NOT PASS!

Pyp: You stole that last part from Gandalf!

Jon: Maybe. Sort of. It's not an exact quote. I’m trying to be inspiring though. What I’m saying is… THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!

Grenn: That’s Braveheart! Also, I don’t want them to take our lives.

Pyp: Me neither.

Jon: Look, my point is… so long as the gate holds… WE ARE SAFE!

Everyone: *moderate clapping*

Grenn: You mean the gate being held by Donal Noye and the Red Shirts… right?

Jon: Correct.

Pyp: And just to clarify… Donal Noye has only one arm.

Jon: Also correct.

Grenn: And Red Shirts are a trope of throw-away characters who are easily killed off to raise the stakes for more important main characters?

Jon: Well, when you put it that way.

Next up, Jon sees as giants approach the Wall with a giant battering ram.

Jon: Archers… shoot them!

The archers shoot their arrows.

Jon: Men… drop those caltrops! Fire the scorpions at will! Continue firing arrows! Do we have more flaming pitch? Pour that out on the ram!

And so they do all that stuff. Arrows. Caltrops. Scorpoin bolts. Flaming pitch. It’s pretty good. The Wildlings break and flee, with the giants and mammoths turning to turn.

Jon: Haha. We’re kicking ass. But I was up all night leading here. I’m so damn tired. I need to go down and rest… just for a bit. And maybe check on Noye. GRENN!

Grenn: Whattup?

Jon: You’re in charge now.

Grenn: What? Really? Wow… we really ARE hard up for men here on the Wall.

Jon leaves, and Grenn now controls the wall. Jon reaches the bottom of the elevator and heads towards the entrance to the gate. Maester Aemon is waiting for him.

Jon: What’s up with Noye?

Aemon: Well, I’m blind… so I have no idea.

Jon: True, true. A fair point. Let me check this out.

Jon goes into the tunnel and finds Noye dead. Noye and one of the Wildlings that Jon recognizes, the giant Mag the Mighty, are all wrapped up with one another, having delivered simultaneous lethal attacks.

Jon: Well, this sucks. He kept saying that I was in charge until he came back. And now he’s dead. So who takes over now?  I guess Ser Wynton Stout, right? He’s the last remaining knight.

Aemon: That dude? He’s almost as old as me. And he’s gone senile.

Jon: Hrm. Then I guess you’re in charge?

Aemon: Haha, nice try. Donal chose you to lead while he was gone. Qhorin Halfhand chose you before him. And Lord Commander Mormont chose you even before that. There is only ONE option for who will lead us now.

Jon: Grenn?

Aemon smacks Jon upside the head.

Jon: Crap. It’s me. Isn’t it? Damn it. *sigh* 

He walks outside of the tunnel.

Jon: MEN! We must repair the tunnel gate and then block the tunnel off with debris so the Wildlings can’t get through! Donal Noye is dead. I’M IN CHARGE NOW, MOFOs!

ASoS 63: Davos VI

Davos is standing around and watching as Melisandre leads King Stannis, Queen Selyse, his own son Devan, and others in their daily worship service to the Red God.  Davos sees that Stannis isn’t really mouthing along to the prayers and bullshit like everyone else is. Davos is questioning whether Stannis is a true believer. And for good reason. True believers seem few and far between these days.  Every day there seem to be fewer attendees to these services. Davos is not the only one who dreams about getting rid of this Red Witch and per influence.
Ser Andrew Estermont: Psst! Hey! Hey Davos!

Davos: Whattup, dawg?

Andrew: So we gonna kill this Mel bish or what?

Davos: No. I don’t think so. She can see through the flames. If we try something that big, she’ll likely figure out about it. Our best hope is to carry out our more modest plots in secret, and hope she doesn’t even notice what we’re doing.

Andrew: Dang. Well. Okay then. Let me know when you’re ready to do “the thing.”

Davos: Dude. I’m ready now. Let’s go.

And so they quietly sneak off, hoping not to be seen exiting.  They head to Maester Pylos’s chambers, where Edric Storm is having more lessons.

Pylos: Oh, hey there Davos. Here for some more reading lessons?  This book here is great! But you don’t have to take MY word for it!

*Reading Rainbow scene transition sound effect*

Davos: No, no. Stop that. I’m not here to read. I’m here to take Edric.

Pylos: What? No! I don’t think so. If you were supposed to take Edric somewhere, I would have heard about it.

Davos: You forget your place, Ser! I am the Hand of the King, and when I speak… it is the King’s voice!

Pylos: What, like some sort of ventriloquist dummy or something?

Davos: Shaddup, Pylos.

Pylos: Just kidding man. Well… you’re right. You are the Hand and I think I know what you’re planning. So… uhm… you have my full support, dude. Say no more.

Davos and Pylos give each other a head nod, with unspoken words that Pylos doesn't want to have wasted all his time teaching this kid how to read only to have Stannis BBQ his ass.

Davos then takes Edric to a ship.

Edric: Why are we going to a ship, man? Am I leaving?

Davos: Yes, you are.

Edric: But I need to see Shireen before I go! And Uncle Stannis! He’s so good to me!

Davos: Hahaha, if you only knew, dude. No. You need to get out of here ASAP. If you don’t go then your Uncle will be very angry with you. Do you know what he does to angry people?

Davos shows Edric his cut-off fingers.

Edric: Yeah, I guess he is sort of a dick.

And so he gets on the boat, along with Ser Andrew.

Andrew: I’ll take him to safety, Davos. Don’t worry. 

Davos: Thanks Andrew. Goodbye, Gendry!

Edric: Gendry?

Davos: Oh right. I mean “Edric.”

Davos then heads back to the Chamber of the Painted Table, where he bumps into Mel and Stannis in the middle of a conversation.

Mel: --Three is three, shorty. You have to admit that. I saw it through the flames. The child dying and a mother crying.

Stannis: Visions through a flame? Please. I’ll need more proof than that, witch.

Davos sighs and walks forward.
Davos: No, this ho is right, my king. Word just arrived from King’s Landing. The boy Joffrey is dead. Likely poisoned by his uncle, the Imp.

Stannis: What… like… REALLY?

Davos: Aye, your grace.

Stannis: WOW. If the Imp did that, then he truly did a service to the Kingdom. And not just by making my own claim to the throne a little better and getting rid of another pretender. Just in general. That kid was a fucking psychopath. Do you know I once caught him murdering a pregnant cat? He cut that cat right open and looked at its insides. Who does that sort of shit? I’ll tell you who… Ted Fucking Bundy. They start with small, helpless animals… and then they move on to people.

Mel: THERE! You see? It is true! Three leaches on the flames… and three false kings dead! All with the power of king’s blood! With just Balon… you could say that it was just an old man dying. With Robb… you could say it was a crazy coincidence. But now with Joffrey… three for three! And that was just with DROPS of king’s blood. Imagine what you could do if we sacrifice the boy to the Red God! I WILL WAKE THE DRAGONS!

Stannis: Ugh. Is there no other way?

Mel: If you fail… then the whole world fails! For you are Azor Ahai, reborn! The prince that was promised! There will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him!

Stannis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mel: A trade, my king. A boy for a kingdom.

Stannis: Hrm. Well, then I guess I shall—

Davos: --No, sire! You can’t!

Stannis: Listen, shorty. Don’t interrupt me again to tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to give the boy to Mel, then I will—

Davos: --No, I don’t mean I don’t want you to give to boy to Mel. I mean you literally CAN’T give the boy to Mel. He’s gone.

Stannis: WHAT?! What you talking bout, Davos?

Mel: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?

Davos: Hahaha! OH GOD! That look on your face is priceless, Mel! You didn’t see THAT in the flames, did you? CLASSIC! I wish cameras were invented now so that I could take a picture of that.

Stannis: What did you do with Gendry, Davos?

Davos: Edric.

Stannis: Whatever. Easy mistake.

Davos: I sent him away on a boat. He’s gone now. Away from Dragonstone. And I’m not telling you where. You can torture me all you want I’ll never tell.

Mel: Well that’s cool. I’ll just use some king’s blood to look into the flames and figure out where he… oh… DAMNIT… that’s right! He’s gone.
Davos: Haha!

Stannis: Dude. My face may look pretty stoic now. But I am pissed off. SUPER pissed off. I had hoped for your loyalty when I made you my hand, and now—

Davos: I have been loyal. I have kept my oath! To protect the king’s people. Edric Storm was one of those people.

Stannis: If I must sacrifice ONE child to save millions from the darkness…

Mel: Davos, you fool! You have not saved Edric Storm. You have DOOMED him, as you have doomed everyone else. The darkness will come and kill us all.

Davos: A king protects his people, or he is not a king at all.

Stannis: Oh, well. This is just FUCKING PRECIOUS. I’m learning lessons on how to be a king from a fucking ONION SMUGGLER?

Davos: The way you say “onion smuggler” makes it sound like it’s some sort of urban dictionary slang for a guy with big balls that you see wearing tight shorts.

Stannis: Gross.

Davos gets down on his knees.

Davos: If you mean to take my head… then do it now. But I beg you to hear me out first.

Stannis: *sigh* Okay, get on with it.

Davos: A King’s Hand should be able to read and write. And Pylos has been teaching me. See, let me read you this.

He fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a note from a raven.

Davos: *ahem*…

Aaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!

ASoS 62: Jaime VII

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