ASoS 72: Jaime IX

Jaime is bored as he watches King Tommen sign a bunch of orders and pieces of paper that the King needs to sign.

Tommen: WHEE! Being king is fun! I like signing things.

Kevan Lannister: Yes, well. Just sign these things that say Edmure and Blackfish Tully are traitors who deserve to be killed, a grant of land to Emmon Frey, the legitimization of Lord Bolton’s bastard son, and the raising for Rolph Spicer to be a Lord.

Jaime: Wow, nice way to slip in the thing about Ramsey Bolton in the middle so that it almost goes unnoticed. Smooth.

Jaime then thinks back on his training sessions with his left hand. He called upon Ser Addam Marbrand to help him swordfight. Needless to say, the training was disastrous.
 
Jaime: I hope Addam doesn’t go around talking to people about that shit. I hope that bitch knows how to keep things on the DL.  Man, I should have sparred with Ser Ilyn Payne instead. Because his tongue has been cut out and he can’t talk. Haha, that would be awesome. Like me and Ilyn Payne hanging out with one another. What a great buddy comedy that would be!

Bronn: What about hanging out with me instead?

Jaime: No. Ilyn Payne sounds much better.

With Tommen being done signing all the papers, Kevan now turns to Jaime.

Kevan: Jaime, this argument with your father really needs to end. You two need to be on the same page.

Jaime: Fuck that guy. I hate him. I hope he dies really, really soon.

Kevan: Aww, that’s a messed up thing to say. What if he does die really, really soon and you never get to make up with him before it’s too late? Then you could be haunted for the rest of your life!

Jaime: Or, you know, I could feel NOTHING at all just like I feel nothing about Joffrey being dead. Which do you think is more likely?

Kevan: …

Jaime: Besides, he sent me those mocking gifts!

Kevan: Mocking? Those gifts were heartfelt.

Jaime: He gave me a sword, Uncle. A SWORD! You know… to use with my cut-off hand. Pretty douchey.  Imagine you had just been stabbed in the eyes and were now blind. And then Tywin gives you a pair of sunglasses as a gift.

Kevan: I’d think that would be thoughtful, because it would allow me to hide my injured eyes from everyone. They won’t be creeped out looking at those milky, wounded eyes.

Jaime: *sigh* I just can’t with you.

Jaime walks away and goes to the ward, where he finds Steelshanks.

Jaime: Oh, HEY Steelshanks! I see you’re still around as a character. For surprisingly longer than I thought you’d be.

Steelshanks: Yes, well. I’m packing up all my things to leave now with “Arya Stark.” She’s going to marry Lord Bolton’s son, Ramsay.

Jaime: WTF? Arya Stark?

“Arya Stark” walks up.

Jeyne Poole: Hi, I’m Jeyne Poole.

Steelshanks elbows her in the ribs.

Jeyne Poole: Ow! I mean… uh… Arya Stark. Yes, I am Arya Stark.  I have an ugly horse face! My face is sooooooo ugly. Jeyne Poole is so glad I don't look like me at all. With my ugly face. Like a horse. A particularly ugly horse. If Jeyne looked like me it would be the worst. I bet she can't imagine people possibly mistaking us for each other. Like, you know, confusing us. If somebody was like, "I need someone to stand in for Arya," they would NEVER pick Jeyne Poole. Because she look nothing like me.

Jaime: That dialogue seems oddly familiar. But whatever! Who cares? Everyone who knows what Arya Stark looks like is dead, so it will probably work.

Steelshanks: Well, peace. Bye, bitch!

Steelshanks and “Arya” leave.

Jaime then turns to reflectively thinking about how The Mountain’s wounds are festering and he’s going to die soon. You know, because The Red Viper poisoned his spear. Also, even if the spear wasn’t poisoned… the Red Viper still skewered The Mountain like a kebab. Which is a pretty damn brutal thing to do in modern society, let alone a medieval society that doesn’t have good medicine or understand bacteria. Anyway, Lord Tywin refused to let Pycelle and the others hunt down The Red Viper’s compatriots from Dorne to learn more about what poison might have been used. That would just cause more trouble with Dorne, which is already pretty pissed off. Anything else and Stannis might sail there and make allies.

Next Jaime goes to his bedroom to get some rest. When he gets there, he sees someone already laying on his bed…

Cersei: Hey there, cowboy! I didn't put a saddle on my back, but you can still ride me... bareback.

She pats the bed seductively.

Jaime: Uh, I know this is going to sound strange coming from my mouth… but at this time I’m actually NOT in the mood to fuck my sister.

Cersei: Oh, come on! You know you want it! You’re probably just in a bad mood because you’re fighting with dad. You two should really make up or something.

Jaime: Why does everyone keep telling me to make amends with my father like he’ll only be around for a few more chapters?

Cersei: *blinks obliviously*

Jaime: Anyway, dad wants me to leave the Kingsguard so I can go home and rule Casterly Rock. Fuck that.

Cersei: Yeah, he wants me back there too. So that I’m kept away from Tommen and Kevan is his mentor. Boo! I’m a great mother and advisor for a king. Just look how great Joffrey turned out.

Jaime: …

Cersei: And the Tyrells are insisting that Tommen marry Margaery! GROSS! She’s twice his age and twice widowed. She’s bad luck! He’ll probably die too if he marries her.

Jaime: Meh.

Cersei: How can you say that about your own son?

Jaime: Hey bitch, you’re the one that told me to show the kids no affection.

Cersei: That was to protect them! Everyone had to think Robert was their father! If you were dawting over them the whole time, people would be suspicious.

Jaime: Well, you don’t have to worry about that because I could not give a shit about any of our kids.

Cersei: Oh come on! You have to care about them a LITTLE! What about Myrcella? What if she was in danger in Dorne! Wouldn’t you go on a mission to Dorne to save her?

Jaime: No, that doesn’t sound like me at all. Me going on a mission to Dorne to save Myrcella sounds really dumb, the plotwould be dumb and poorly executed, and the fans would hate it and mock the whole season.

Cersei: Ah.

Jaime: And I’m tired of this bullshit of us having to hide ourselves. I wish I could openly declare my love for you, just like the Targaryens didn’t care if everyone knew they banged each other. I’m done doing stuff like I did to that Stark boy?

Cersei: Huh?

Jaime: Remember? I threw him out the window!

Cersei: Oh yeah, right. Right. I was thinking of something else. You know our little shitty murdering dwarf imp brother accused me of sending some assassin with a blade after him. I thought maybe you were talking about that.

Jaime: Interesting. So that’s a real thing that happened, huh?

Cersei: Yeah. Why do you ask?

Jaime: Lady Catelyn accused ME of doing it too. So did you do it?

Cersei: WHAT? NO! Did you do it?

Jaime: No!

Cersei: Not that the kid should have lived or anything. Even Ned’s best friend, Robert, thought it was best that the poor kid die and said so… rather than suffer through life as a cripple.

Jaime: Was anyone there when Robert said that?

Cersei: Yeah, the kids.

Jaime: Ah. Well, then Joffrey probably ordered it. You know how he worshipped his "dad," even though he was an unloving shit that paid him no attention.

Cersei: This is the least satisfying resolution to that multi-book murder mystery plot that there could have been. Joffrey did it because he overhead his dad say that the kid should die? I expected a lot better plot twist than that.

Jaime: Okay. Let’s just say Myrcella did it then!

Cersei: Ugh. Don’t say things like that. Stop being weird and do something normal… like fuck your sister!

She lays back down on the bed again and spreads her legs.

Jaime: Ugh. No. I’m not in the mood!

Said no man ever to Lena Headey.

Cersei: Ugh. Did Vargo Hoat have your dick cut off too? You could have never protected Joffrey anyway, even if you did arrive in time. You’ve spent your whole life protecting our shitty brother, even though he murdered our son. You’re the worst. You’re a cripple and a disappointment!

Jaime: Well, you don’t take rejection very well.

Cersei storms out.

Jaime: Everyone is saying the Lannisters “won” this war. And yet here we are… I don’t have a hand, Joffrey was killed, and all the surviving Lannisters hate one another. Winning isn’t what it used to be.

Next, Jaime summons Loras and Brienne to his chambers.

Knight of Flowers: Whut?

Jaime: Have you two spoken and sorted this shit out yet?

Knight of Flowers: Well… I’m… uhh… no longer certain that Brienne had anything to do with Renly’s death. I mean she probably did. But I’m not certain.

Jaime: Yeah. Remember how the castellan of Storm’s End also died under mysterious circumstances like Renly. Probably some Stannis magic shit. Now leave. Except you, Brienne. You stay.

Loras leaves.

Jaime: Hey gurl. You look pretty in that dress.

Brienne: It’s odd that you’ve made gay jokes about Loras in the past, yet the only two women you seem to be attracted to are one that is your twin and looks just like you, and another who looks like a man.

Jaime: Shh! I have some stuff to talk about. Those Stark girls you swore to protect. Arya Stark, for one. It looks like my father has concocted some strange plan to get a fake version of Arya Stark to marry Roose Bolton’s bastard son and claim Winterfell. Bolton, I assume, knows that’s she’s a fake and doesn’t care. Well… that’s the story of ONE of the sisters. The other sister, Sansa, you know about. She probably killed Joffrey and has now fled. I bet my brother is covering for her.

Brienne: No way. That girl couldn’t hurt a fly. She’s innocent!

Jaime: Eh. Whatever. It doesn’t matter because Joffrey was a little shit. Here, have this.

Jaime pulls out his fancy, jeweled sword. It glistens in the light.

Brienne: Valyrian Steel!

Jaime: Indeed. It’s yours.

Brienne: WHAT?!

Jaime: Gift from my dad. But look at my hand. I can't use this shit. I have named the sword “Oathkeeper.” It’s melted down from Ned Stark’s own sword, Ice. I want you to have it.

Brienne: So that I can use it to hunt down and kill Sansa? No thanks!

Jaime: Jesus Christ, you’re so fucking dumb sometimes. Why do you think I just brought up your pledge to protect the Stark girls and why do you think I named it Oatkkeeper? Remember, I made a promise to bring the girls back to their mother too. But I’m a cripple now, so I’d be useless. It’s all up to you now. I give you this sword, forged from the Stark family’s own blade. And I want you to find Sansa Stark and, if she’s still alive, the real Arya Stark. I want you to fulfill the oaths we both made to Lady Catelyn and deliver the Stark girls to safety, wherever that may be.

Brienne: Oh… oh… SHIT! Wow. I keep underestimating you and thinking you’re a douche. But really, you’re sort of a good guy.

Jaime: Eh, don’t get too carried away and award me the Nobel Peace Prize yet.  I still fuck my sister and threw a kid out a window.

Brienne: I… I promise to succeed and defend these Stark girls.

Jaime: Good. Now get the fuck out! I don't want to see you ever again. Especially if it's as part of some ploy to get me to the undead corpse of Cat Stark under the guise of rescuing Sansa from the Hound.

Brienne: Well that seems like a highly unlikely future scenario, but whatever.


She leaves.

Jaime then looks at his entry in the Kingsuard White Book.

Jaime: Well, I better start updating my entry. Let’s see… let’s see… put some stuff in about being defeated by Robb Stark. Being ransomed at Riverrun. Captured again by Vargo Hoat. Losing my sword. Returned to Kinds Landing. Eh. This is all pretty depressing. And most of the page is still empty. But I guess the future isn’t written yet, huh?  Just like Sarah Connor said. God, Sarah Connor is hot. The Lena Hedley version from the TV show, I mean. Wait. Why didn't I want to have sex with her again?

ASoS 71: Daenerys VI

Hey, remember that whole battle for Meereen? The secret plan to go into the sewer and all that? Want to see some sort of epic battle scene? Well you won’t. The battle happened a long time ago. Dany’s troops won it. Now she’s sitting at the top of the Great Pyramid of Meereen eating grapes and drinking wine. Which, I suppose, is just another way of eating grapes.
Dany: It’s great starting chapters in media res and only going back to explain the specifics of the battle later, huh Missandei?

Missandei: If you say so. I’m just a 10 year old girl so I’m not sure that I’m the one you should be asking about how to build effective narratives.

Dany: Haha, remember when I had all those leaders of Meereen crucified in revenge for them crucifying all the slaves? That was good stuff.

Missandei: Again, I’m 10. So. Whatever.

Dany looks at all of her followers in the throne room. But then again there was a prophesy that she would be betrayed three times. Who will betray her next?

Missandei: Hey, speaking of effective narratives – whatever happened to Barristan and Jorah? Didn’t we end the last chapter with a cliffhanger about their fate?

Dany: Yes. And that will remain a cliffhanger for now. Maybe later in the chapter I’ll get to it. But for right now, I’ll reflect back upon the new rules and laws I’ve set up in this city. Stuff about penalties for pillaging and rape. 

Missandei: Okay my Khaleesi, it’s now part of the day where citizens and others come up to petition you.

Dany: Cool.

A citizen comes up.

Meereen Citizen: Begging your pardon, Queen, but you have a bunch of dead bodies of the old Masters of Meereen laying around the city and nailed up on crucifixes. It’s really been attacking a lot of plague-carrying and other gross animals. I mean it’s cool that you’re our new leader and all, but we’re not happy about watching carrion birds rip out our cousins eyeballs and gorge themselves. And, again, the plague thing is not cool. So maybe we could collect up all the dead bodies of the crucified and killed Masters of Meereen and… you know… clean their bodies and give them proper burials according to our religious practices.

Dany: Eh, sure. I suppose.

The Citizen bows and takes his leave.

Dany: NEXT!

Missandei: Next up is an envoy from Astapor named Ghael.

Dany: Come forward, Ghael.

Ghael: I bring you greetings from King Cleon of Astapor.

Dany: Uhh… King Cleon? Who is that? I left a council in charge of Astapor.

Ghael: Yeah, you left a weak and ineffective council with absolutely no army or law enforcement. Our city descended into total hell and the council quickly tried to put the Great Masters back in power. Cleon exposed them and had them executed.

Missandei: Wait… Cleon? Wasn’t he some butcher in Grazdan’s kitchen?

Ghael: I mean that’s not a very specific question since everyone in the entire town was named Grazden. But yeah, he was.

Dany: Great. I’ve given Astapor a Butcher King.

Ghael: Way to talk shit about someone just because he’s from a different social class than you and didn’t have the same job opportunities. You know, someone has to be a butcher, right? You trying to say you’re a vegetarian? No way. You eat meat. Someone has to kill, cut and clean the animal. You trying to say that those people are dirty? You trying to say that a butcher is less of a person? You trying to say that in Queen Dany’s empire… there is no place for upward mobility of the lower classes? You trying to say you want to instill a new caste system where the lowly people stay lowly and the noble people stay as the nobles? What kind of Animal Farm bullshit is that, Dany? Seems like you’re “freeing” places form tyranny just to re-install tyranny again with new tyrants.

Dany: I… uhm… no… that’s not what I mean, Ghael. I wasn’t saying he didn’t deserve to be a King because he used to be a butcher. I was just saying that—

Ghael: --Hahaha, come on, Queenie. I’m just messing with you. That was pretty funny. “Butcher King.” I’ll probably go back and tell Cleon that. He’ll have a good laugh. Anyway, I’m here because we propose an alliance with you against Yunkai.

Dany: WHAT?! Against Yunkai?! But I just liberated that city too!

Ghael: Yeah, you did. But those people are assholes. They’re plotting against you. You should probably marry Cleon to seal the deal for our mutual alliance against them.

Dany: HAHAHAHA. You want me to marry a guy named Cleos? That’s too much! You know what, here in public in front of everyone I’m going to say, “I’ll think about it.” But you know what the actual answer is, right?

Dany dismissed Ghael.

Dany: Man. All my “victories” seem pretty empty, huh? I liberate a town and then I move on. After that, the city falls to shit and is taken over by crappy, warring tyrants again. What will happen to Meereen when I leave here?

Missandei: Your next visitor is a slaver ship captain from Qarth.

Dany: Oh, this ought to be fun. If only Jorah was here to deeply sympathize with him.

Slaver Captain: Oh great Queen! Look at me crying! I am so sad!

Dany: Stop being a drama queen, you Qartheen bitch. You’re all like that.

Slaver Captain: I have seen so many horrible atrocities! The Cleaver King in Astapor his seizing all the highborn babies to make a new Unsullied army!

Dany: Hrm. “Cleaver King.” That’s probably a little wittier than “Butcher King.” I wish I had thought of that instead.

Slaver Captain: Yes! It’s horrible! Oh, and also I’d really like to buy some slaves.

Dany: WHAT?! Get the fuck out of here, you slaving asshole. There are no slaves here. Only free people. And they don’t want to be slaves anymore!

Daario: *cough*bullshit*cough

Dany: Uhm… excuse me, Daario. Just because you’re handsome AF and I want to jump you 24/7 doesn’t mean you get to cough interject like that. Do you have something to say?

Daario: Well, my beautiful Queen. There are actually crowds and crowds of Meerenese begging to be sold.

Dany: Say what now?

Daario: Yeah, not all the slaves were brutalized and doing hard labor. Many of them were domestic servants who lived in houses and did chores. Those people HATE being free. They were living the good life. Their lives as slaves were idyllic compared who what their lives are like now. These people willingly want to be sold back into slavery.

Dany: Are you sure that you haven’t been replaced with Jorah?

Daario: No, I’m Daario.

Dany: And you’re REALLY trying to convince me that being a house slave is okay and that I should let people sell themselves back into slavery?

Daario: Yep.

Dany: Wow. The morals of feudal society are really messed up. But I suppose that if any free human being is willing to sell themselves into slavery… then they shoul d be free to do so, right? I mean that choice is part of being free, huh? But the sale of children is forbidden! And don’t think that when these slaves have kids that their kids will be slaves too. They have to be free and make that decision on their own once they reach adulthood. Although technically, if I’m selling them to Qarth I have no real way of enforcing that because they’ll be going somewhere far away and out of my jurisdiction.

Slaver Captain: So is it cool that I buy some people then?

Dany: Eh. I guess.

In actuality, it is NOT cool at all. Dany is wrong.
Dany: But can we get a tax on it or something? Like we take 10% of all profits from slave sales as a tax or something? That sounds pretty civic-minded.

Missandei: Sure.

And therefore, Meereen goes back to being rich again. Horray! For… uhm… slavery… I guess. Wait. What are we cheering again?

Dany: Okay… NEXT!

Missandei: We’ll, speaking of slavery…

Jorah comes in. He’s followed closely by Barristan.

Dany: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in. You two. I guess now is the time to finally reveal your fate and what I decided to do with you as the cliffhanger in-between chapters.

Jorah: You mean lead the forces that crawled through the sewers to break into Meereen? A highly dangerous task that you didn’t think either of us would survive. But we did survive and now you still have to deal with us.

Dany: Yeah, I guess that’s a pretty succinct way of summarizing all that. But I was also going to add in additional long narratives with specifics about the battles and how we won. But you know what? Forget it. I’ve conquered Meereen and we’ve moved on from there. Now I want both of you to plead your cases as to why you should stay in my service and not just be executed for betraying me.

Barristan steps up first.

Barristan: I lied to you and I deceived you. I admit it. When your father was murdered, I betrayed your family line and bent the knee to King Robert. I admit it. I will only tell the truth  though. And the truth is that even as a small child… I saw that Viserys was like his father. Rhaegar was a noble and honest man and would have made a great king. But Viserys? He had the madness.

Dany: LIES! Lies told by the Baratheons and Lannisters to discredit the Targaryens!

Barristan: Queen, I come here with my fate entirely in your hands. Whatever you decide I will not contest. If it is your decision to kill me, then so be it. I could lie to you and let you hear what you want to hear. Let you hear that the Baratheons and Lannisters were liars who made up stories. Let you hear that the stories your brother told you growing up were all true. But then I would be lying to you again. I will not lie to you again, nor hide the truth as I did before. I wanted to tell you the truth of who I was many times. But I did not. Because I wanted to make sure you were not tainted by the same madness that afflicted Aerys and Viserys. I have spent much time with you now and I see that you are not. You are a true and noble Queen and you are fit to rule. It would be an honor to serve you, in whatever capacity you wish of me, if you let me. If not… well… I have lived a life that many would call good and long and I will die proud.

Dany: *holding back tears and wiping a Kleenex against her eyes*… No… no… not crying. Not crying at all. It’s just that this Pyramid Throne Room is… so… dusty. Yes. So much dust. So very dusty in here. Okay, Barrsitan. Here is your sword. You are pardoned of all past transgressions. I accept your pledge to serve me.

Everyone slow claps.

Dany: OKAY! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! NEXT, Jorah.

Jorah: Well, obviously you MUST forgive me, because I’m so awesome and important. And, yeah, while it’s true I was spying on you for the Baratheons, even all the way up to Qarth, it’s not like I…

Dany: --Okay, let me cut you off there, shitface. EXILE!

Jorah: WHAT!? But… but… I love you!

Dany: Aww… do you now? I seem to recall some prophesy about being betrayed three times, one of them for love. I guess that’s you. Now, as I was saying… EXILE!!!! If you’re still in Meereen tomorrow morning, you’ll be executed.

Jorah: But… but… Khaleesi… I…

Strong Belwas grabs him and drags him out.

Dany: Well, that’s that then.

Daario: You know, I can still slice his neck open and kill him anyway. You’ll look all magnanimous for letting him leave by exile… but I know what you REALLY want is him dead.

Dany: Daww, that’s so thoughtful, Daario! You handsome rogue you! No… wait… STOP! You’re tricking me with your handsomeness. Stop that. I stick by the exile thing.

Daario: Exile makes no sense. You should have either kept him… or killed him.

Dany: Okay sexy, when I want your advice… I’ll ask for it. All this is making me tired. I need to go to bed.

She goes to bed that night and Irri is with her.

Dany: Man, these books are a lot more lesbian-ey than the show.

But she can’t stop thinking and dreaming about Daario.

As the dawn comes, she wakes up and finds Missandei there too.

Dany: Oh hey. You’re not planning on betraying me too?

Missandei: Well, as previously stated... I’m 10. So probably not.

They watch the sunrise together. Which I guess is sort of cool or something.

At the meetings later that day, she summons all of her captains and council members. The Senate? I don't know what she calls her people.

Dany: Hey look… you know how I’m a Khaleesi, right? I’ve been going from city to city, conquering them… and then moving on.  Totally a Khaleessi sort of thing to do. My ultimate goal is to rule the Seven Kingdoms. But how can I be a good ruler of seven kingdoms if I can’t even rule one city? Oh… I can CONQUER just fine. But rule? Not so much.

Missandei: Hey now, you’re a great ruler, Dany. You freed the slaves and all that stuff. You’re the Abe Lincoln of these books. You know, without the getting shot in the head part. I hope. I guess the books aren’t finished yet… so you never know.

Dany: Thanks for the kind words, young person who has been alive for one decade and has no grasp on politics or state building.

Missandei: Says the girl who is… what? Five years older than me?

Dany: My point is this… these books are clearly loaded with all sorts of metaphors. My brother was a metaphor for the tyrant who thinks he deserves to rule by his bloodline, and would be a terrible leader that would be quickly overthrown. Renly was a metaphor for a man who liked to play at being king but had no interest in actually ruling. Robert Baratheon is a metaphor for a great warrior who could make himself king via military strength… but then when it came time to “win the peace” rather than “win the war,” he was woefully incompetent at rule itself.  Right now, all signs in the books are pointing towards me being another King Robert. Oh yeah… I can kick ass in the battles. But afterwards? I leave a city and it falls apart and gets ruled by some fucking butcher. Well, NO MORE I say!  Before I try to rule the world… I will prove that I can rule just one city!

Il Palazzo: Yes, a sound and logical strategy.

Dany: Therefore, I will not abandon Meereen as I did Aspator. I will stay here and not leave until I can prove I can rule it and make peace!

Well, this should go swimmingly.

Dany: Shut your mouth, narrator. Are you going to be the third person to betray me?

ASoS 70: Tyrion X

Tyrion wonders about life in the Night’s Watch if he confesses to the crime of murdering the King.

Tyrion: I almost wishes I DID kill Joffrey since I’m going to be punished for it anyway.

Podrick: Dude, you totally killed him though. Right?

Tyrion: Geez. Even you think I’m guilty? Well, then I’m definitely doomed.

It’s day ten million of Tyrion’s trial… which is taking forever. The next witness to come in is Shae.

Tyrion: WHAT THE HELL?!

Shae: Oh yeah. I was Tyrion’s whore. I didn’t want to be. But he made me! He made me have sex with him, even though I didn’t want to. The night before the King was murdered he met me in the dark cellars beneath the Throne where the old dragon jaws are located. He made me call him “my giant of Lannister” and made me do all sorts of things to him. Dirty things. Things with the butt. And he made me call him huge. Again and again. He kept insisting that I call him “huge.”

Everyone in the court (except for Tywin) starts laughing uncontrollably.

Tyrion is full of rage, but keeps it together because he’s totally in shock.

Shae: Oh, and when he forcing me to have sex with him he was also like, “Oh yeah. Me and my wife, Sansa, are going to poison King Joffrey later today. And then we’re going to kill Cersei, Tywin and Tommen and I’ll take the throne myself and be king.”

Tyrion: SILENCE! SILENCE! ENOUGH!

Tywin: Tyrion, I have warned you many times not to interrupt! If you do so again, you will be—

Tyrion: --Is it a confession you want? FINE! That’s enough. Get this lying whore out of here and I will provide you all with a confession.

And so Shae is quickly led away. Tyrion wonders what exactly Cersei has given Shae to have her turn like that. But at least he now knows the answer to if Shae really ever loved him or felt anything for him… or if she was just a whore that liked his money.
Tyrion: I confess… I confess to the crime of being a dwarf!

Tywin: You are not on trial for being a dwarf, Tyrion.

Tyrion: Oh, am I not? I have been on trial for being a dwarf my whole life! I didn’t kill that shit Joffrey… BUT I WISH I HAD! I wish I had enough poison to kill this whole entire court. I saved all of your asses in the Battle of the Blackwater, and this is how you betray me? FUCK YOU ALL! You’re a bunch of duplicitous liars and assholes. You want your trial? WELL I DEMAND A TRIAL… BY COMBAT!

Court: WOO-HOO!!!! TRIAL BY COMBAT!

Everyone is cheering except for Tywin, who says nothing… and Cersei, who just laughs.

Cersei: HAHAHA. Okay. Great! Trial by Combat accepted! I name my champion… The Mountain that Rides, Ser Gregor Clegane!

Court: WOOOO!!! YEAH! MOUNTAIN!

Tywin: Hrm. Well, I guess we’re going to have a fight between Tyrion and the Mountain then, huh? Because obviously nobody here is going to stand up and fight for Tyri—

The Red Viper: --I WILL FIGHT ON BEHALF OF TYRION.

Court: HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! HO-LY SHIT! WOOOOOOO!!!!! BATTLE OF THE CENTURY!

Tywin: Man. This is causing such a migraine. You know what? I’m washing my hands of this whole entire thing. Bye, Felicia. You all do what you want and have the fight tomorrow.

Tywin walks away.

In his chamber/prison that night, Tyrion feels oddly at peace with his decision.

Tyrion: I win no matter what happens. I totally screwed up my dad’s plans! Although, you know, I do hope I don’t die.

Tyrion sleeps surprisingly well that night, for a man whose life will be decuided by a battle the next day.  But when the dawn comes, he asks to see his champion.

Tyrion: Ah Prince Oberyn, thanks so much for that. I hope you use a BIG sword to kill the Mountain with. Or maybe pick a gun as your weapon. Yeah. A semi-automatic should be good.

Red Viper: Nah, I’m going to use a spear.

Tyrion: WHAT?!

Red Viper: Yeah, that’s how we roll in Dorne.

Tyrion: You’re going to fight a gigantic knight in armor… with a spear? You know… a spear that is a stick with a point on the end? The weapon that was designed by cave men!

Red Viper: Everything Paleo is in now, dude. Haha, but seriously… don’t touch the pointy end because it’s totally covered in poison.

Tyrion: Oh, thank the gods.

Red Viper: Hey, you know after I win… you’re going to want to leave King’s Landing, right? You should come down with me to Dorne and we can hang out with QUEEN Myrcella.

Tyrion: Hahaha, great foreshadowing of the Chapters that are about to come, Oberyn! That sounds like it will be a great adventure! Because we know you have to win! After all, I am an important main character and if you lose then I die. And we know I can’t die. And you’re too cool of a character to lose.  So it will be off to Dorne for us!

Red Viper: Indeed. Finally I will have revenge for my murdered sister Elia. Now let me tell you the FULL story of me and Elia’s first trip to the Seven Kingdoms, including Casterly Rock. You know? When I first met you as a little baby. You see, the actual reason we were coming was because—

Tyrion: --Blah blah blah. Can we just get to the cool fighting part?

Red Viper: Sure.

Later…

Mike Tirico: Hey there, fans! Mike Tirico and Shaq with you… here for the FIGHT OF THE CENTURY! It’s Red Viper versus the Mountain. Years ago, the Mountain murdered the Red Viper’s sister and nephew. Allegedly!  Now he’s back for revenge!

Shaq: Icy Hot.

Mike Tirico: A HUGE crowd has gathered here to watch this duel.  OH… Oh… and it looks like it’s starting immediately! No wait here! Looks like the Red Viper is walking right up to the Mountain.

Red Viper: I am Oberyn Martell. Do you remember me? You murdered my sister and nephew.

Mountain: I have no fucking clue who you are, dude.

Red Viper: Hrm. I can’t tell if you’re lying to me or if you’re just really fucking stupid.

The Red Viper then attacks first. The Mountain defends.

Mike Tirico: OH! Sneaky attack there by the Red Viper, but the Mountain was able to counter and push the spear strike away.

Shaq: And that’s why they call him the Red Viper, Mike. For those lightning fast attacks. And, you know, for the poisoned weapons. If the Red Viper catches the Mountain with that speartip, not even extra strength Icy Hot will be able to make the Mountain feel any better.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Mike Tirico: Well, it looks like the author of the Jingle of Ice and Fire is going immediately to the wholly predictable Princess Bride references for this battle scene by comparing the Red Viper to Inigo Montoya. It’s a joke that literally every single viewer of this Game of Thrones episode made when it aired.  Is there anything new or interesting added by this blog also repeating the same joke? Absolutely not. But here we are!

The Red Viper strikes again.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

The two fight back and forth. Attacks and counters. Counters and attacks.
Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Mountain: STOP SAYING THAT!!!!

The Mountain runs at Oberyn and takes a huge swing. But he misses and runs into the audience, killing a stableboy.

Mike Tirico: OH! The Mountain just murdered an innocent bystander and the crowd is fleeing! Let’s turn to the match referee and see if the Mountain will be disqualified for this!

Everyone turns and looks.

Referee: Meh.

Mike Tirico: AND SO WE GO ON!


Shaq: I guess that's what happens when we use Pro Wrestling Referees.

Red Viper: My name is Oberyn Martell! You killed my sister! Prepare to die!

Moutain: STOP THAT!!!!!

Red Viper: YOU RAPED HER! YOU MURDERED HER! YOU MURDERED HER CHILD!

Mountain: Oh, thank you for mixing it up. That’s a little better. If there is one thing I hate, it’s repetition. I tell myself that over and over.

The Red Viper strikes forward and slices the Mountain in the knee.

Mountain: AGH!!!!

Mike Tirico: OH! A devastating wound there! If that spear tip is poisoned like I think it might be… this could be the end for the Mountain that Rides!

Clegane collapses to the ground. Oberyn runs up to him and spears him right in the chest.

Red Viper: ELLLIIIAAAAAAAA! This is for you!

Tyrion: YES! YES! YES! OHMYGOD THIS IS THE GREATEST MATCH IN THE WORLD! YES! I’M GOING TO LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVE!

Mike Tirico: Well, I think this is all over folk! The Red Viper, Oberyn Martell, just skewered The Mountain like a kebab. He’s surely done for now!

The Red Viper walks closer.

Red Viper: DO NOT DIE YET! I WANT THAT CONFESSION!

The Mountain: Your name is "Martell," huh? *cough*cough*  Yeah… that sounds… sounds a bit familiar. Yeah. Elia Martell. *cough*cough* I’m so weak now. Sorry my voice isn’t that loud, what with this spear going through my lungs. How about you lean a bit closer so that you can hear my full confession?

Red Viper: Sure, that sounds like a sensible idea!

The Mountain: Yeah. *cough* Elia Martell. You know what? I did rape her and kill her. And when I killed her it went a bit something like this.

The Mountain grabs onto Oberyn’s head and smashes his face in, immediately killing him.

Tyrion: WHHHHAAAAAAAAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUU---

Remaining Crowd that Didn’t Run Away in Fear: WOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!!!!!! AMAZING ENDING!

Mike Tirico: I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I JUST SAW, FANS! THE MOUNTAIN WINS! THE MOUNTAIN WINS!

Shaq: An amazing turnaround there, Mike. Although The Mountain appears to be mortally wounded. Both of them will be dead soon!

Mike Tirico: And that’s not the only one who will be dead soon. As you all know, this Trial by Combat is a way for the gods to decide the guilt or innocence of Tyrion Lannister. And by the Mountain’s victory, admittedly a pretty Pyrrhic victory since he’s going to die too, it means that Tyrion Lannister – the former Hand of the King and his uncle – is also going to be executed quite soon.

Tyrion: *vomits everywhere in shock*

Guards grab Tyrion and take him. Not back to is tower cell. But to the black cells below the Red Keep where Ned Stark was kept prior to his execution.

Mike Tirico: What a day here in Kings Landing! Well, I think that about wraps it all up. A short but definite match, and one that we’ll be talking about for the ages. I mean it was no Joe Louis versus Max Schmeling or anything, but still.

Shaq: Today’s fight to the death was brought to you by Icy Hot! Try the new Smart Relief Back and Hip Pain Therapy. Turn on Smart Relief. Turn off Back Pain.

Mike Tirico: This Icy Hot running joke is wearing a bit thin. I mean I get that the novels are “Ice and Fire” and this is “Icy Hot,” but still.

Shaq: You shut your damn mouth and stop talking smack about Icy Hot, Tirico!

ASoS 69: Jon IX

Jon is atop the Wall sleeping. Probably dreaming about dead-ass Ygritte since this is Chapter 69 after all. Huh? Huh? Get it? You know what I mean!

Owen the Oaf kicks Jon awake.
Jon: Ow, hey!

Owen: What were you dreaming about?

Jon: Why do I have to answer that question? Who the hell is Owen the Oaf? Why do all these random new characters keep showing up?

Owen: *shrugs*

Jon: Anyway, I was… uh… dreaming about King Robert coming to save us. But I guess he’s dead now. So nobody will ever come and save us.

Jon is exhausted.  They have been fighting for day and night… day after day… against Mance’s forces. The latest thing that Mance has been throwing against them? A giant “turtle.” It’s hard to explain, so let’s just say it’s sort of like a tank.
Jon: What’s up with this turtle/tank thing? And what happened to all those people at Mole’s Town that I sent Zei to bring back and help us with?

Owen: Oh, Zei and all the people of Mole’s Town left and never came back. The place is abandoned now.

Jon: UGH. We just introduced Zei in my last POV chapter. Why bother introducing her, only to have her vanish and never be seen again? THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS!

Jon also thinks about the news that came in about Bown Marsh’s “victory” over the Wildlings at the Shadow Tower. Sure, his forces won. But it was all just a game by Mance to send most of Castle Black’s army off and leave the main fortress undefended.

Meanwhile, the turtle/tank is being readied to crash into the gate.

Jon: Well, if they break down that gate… we are all fucked! The Wildlings will invade Westeros. So how about we rain some firey arrows down on it or something? Does that seem like a good idea?

They do that. It doesn’t work.
Jon: Okay, how about scorpion bolts? Catapult stones? Barrels filled with rocks and frozen water that we drop onto it?

They try all of those things. Finally, that frozen ice/rock thing works. The top of the turtle/tank thing is crushed and all the Wildlings that were in/under it go running away.

The men on the Wall all celebrate.

Men: HUZZAH!

Jon: Okay, well. That’s just one attack. There will be more. There are thousands and thousands of them. That’s only a minor setback.

Jon heads down to his room to go to sleep. When he wakes up, he sees four people standing over him that he doesn’t recognize.

Jon: What the f---AGHH!!!

They grab him and haul him off to the chambers that once belonged to Lord Mormont. In there, he finds a bunch of people he doesn’t know along with Maester Aemon, Alliser Thorne, and a drunk-ass Septon Cellador.

Mystery Man: So, this is the traitor and turncloak, huh? No wonder! He’s Stark’s bastard boy. Ned Stark was a traitor too, so it must run in his blood. And he’s a bastard so that’s even worse.

Jon: HEY! Nobody talks shit about my dad like that! I’ll mess you all up! Who the hell are you? Freaking Eastwatch people? Ugh. Eastwatch is the worst, everybody knows that.

Mystery Man: I am JANOS SLYNT, Lord of Harrenhal and now the Commander of Castle Black!

Jon: Says who?

Allister Thorne: Shut your mouth, turncloak!

Janos: So tell it true, bastard. You abandoned the Night’s Watch, joined Mance Rayder, and took a Wildling woman  to bed with you?

Jon: No! It’s not true! Well, the woman part is true. But I was following Qhorin Halfhand’s orders. He made me do all that stuff, so that I could spy on Mance. He made get the Wildling’s trust and learn of their plans.

Janos: And he made you sleep with that girl?

Jon: Well, you know. He didn’t exactly make me do that. It was just sort of a bonus thing. He said I had to do whatever they asked of me, and while the Halfhand probably wasn’t explicitly thinking of me having sex with a ginger… I sort of interpreted his instructions broadly.

Janos: Un huh.

Jon: But as soon as I had the chance to escape them… I did! I never killed anyone for the Wildlings. I never fought against the Watch!

Janos: Oh yeah? Well I have a witness who will testify otherwise!  BRING THE WITNESS IN!

They bring in the Lord O Bones, Rattleshirt.

Lord O Bones: ‘Sup Jon?

Jon: Oh shit… you?!

Lord O Bones: Yeah. So… uhm… I get a full pardon or something for testifying, right? Because I’ll tell you everything. Jon Snow MURDERED Qhorin Halfhand. I saw it with my own eyes. He and his Wolf killed him and they joined Mance. It’s true.

Everyone: *GASP*

Jon: HE MADE ME! It was the only way we could ensure that I got the trust of Mance. We were surrounded by Rattleshirt and his men. They were going to kill us both. The Halfhand knew that we would BOTH be dead and all our sacrifices would be in vain. One of us had to survive. So he acted out in front of Rattleshirt and pretended like I had already betrayed him. He made me fight him to the death and kill him so that Rattleshirt would take me alive and bring me to Mance. Then I could spy on them all. And I got all sorts of great intel about the Horn of Jaromír Jágr – a magical artifact that could bring down the Wall!

Janos: Really? REALLY? That’s a pretty convienient excuse. And pray tell… what exact great intel did you get about this as part of this secret mission that the Halfhand sent you on?

Jon: Uh. I guess I got the info that the Wildlings never found it and… I dunno… maybe it’s all a lie and doesn’t even exist.

Janos: Oh, GREAT INTEL there. Just SUPREME.

Jon: It’s true! And I escaped the Wildlings and ran back to warn everyone that the Wildlings were coming!

Janos: Yes. AFTER we already knew the Wildlings were coming.

Alliser: Lord Snow has always been a turncloak, Lord Janos. Why, he probably was part of the plotters that murdered Mormont. Benjen Stark was probably involved too.

Jon holds up his hand.

Jon: So you see this hand? This burned hand? I burned this SAVING Lord Commander Mormont. And my Uncle would never betray his vows!

Dunk-Ass Septon Cellador: *hiccup*… Vows? What do you know of vows, boy? You wouldn’t even swear your vows to the Seven!

Jon: I swore my vows to the Old Gods!

Janos: Eww. You’re a different religion than me? That’s the WORST. You’re guilty just like your father.

Jon: My father was MURDERED by some fucking pussy asshole in Kings Landing, thanks to some gold cloak pussy who sold him out.

Everyone: *gasp*

Allister: Dude, you know that gold cloak pussy was Janos, right?

Aemon: Good men, while all of you were gone… it was Jon Snow who helped defend this castle. He has been fighting against Mance and saving us all.

Janos: As a way to protect himself and try to get back into our good graces after betraying us! But I know the way of the wolves! TAKE HIM TO THE PRISON! He will be hanged soon for treason.

And so Thorne grabs Jon to lead him off to a prison cell. Jon snaps and grabs Alliser by throat and lifts him off the ground. Thorne begins to pee his pants a little when the Eastwatch men come to pull Jon away.
Allister: You see? That boy is a savage! An animal! The same as his wolf!

Jon is led off to a prison cell. Which is honestly not much different than his actual room. Castle Black is a bleak, depressing place that’s already sort of a prison.

ASoS 68: Sansa VI

Sansa has been seasick for most of her trip at sea.

Sansa: *vomits everywhere*

See? 

Anyway, she has dreams about Joffrey’s death. Which is actually pretty cool. So it’s not at all a nightmare.

Littlefinger walks in on her, like a creeper.

Littlefinger: Oh, hey girl. Trying to sleep, huh? Cool. I was just staring at you.

Sansa: Gross. Anyway, I keep having dreams about Joffrey’s death. I wonder if my “husband” Tyrion was really behind it all.

Littlefinger: Oh, Tyrion’s hands are far from clean. After all, he sticks them inside of pox-infested whores all the time. Hey, speaking of your husband and whores… did you know that he was married once before? Yeah. And once he got bored of her, he had her passed around to a bunch of Lannister guards and watched as they ran a train on her. He probably meant to do the same to you, one day.

Sansa: Well, that seems like somewhat of a distortion of facts, but then again I am talking to you, Littlefinger. So that’s just par for the course.

Littlefinger: Harsh, but fair. Anyway… LAND HO! We’re finally arriving home!

Sansa gets up and looks out.

Sansa: Well, that’s not Winterfell.

Littlefinger: No, it’s the Fingers. It’s MY home!

Sansa: When you said you were taking me “home,” you were clearly deceiving me.

Littlefinger: True. I’m taking you to the Vale. I’m going to marry your Aunt Lysa.

Sansa: Ugh.

Littlefinger: But first we stop by where I grew up! HERE!

They get off the ship. They are on some poor farmland, surrounded by huts and sheep shit.

Sansa: Nasty. This is where you’re from?

Littlefinger: Yep. Not exactly the pinnacle of civilization, but then again it’s far away from Varys’s spies. Here you will be safe until we continue onward to the Vale. Oh, and by the way… when I show up to the Vale, Kings Landing won’t exactly be happy that I have Sansa Stark with me. So we need to give you a new identity.

Sansa: Can I be Jean Grey from X-Men?

Littlefinger: No.

Sansa: Damn.

Littlefinger and Sansa are greeted by a bunch of people who are Littlefinger’s household staff. Do you need to remember them? No. You will never see any of them ever again. So why bother?
Bryen: Hey!

Grisel: Yeah, that’s no fair.

Kella: Yeah, you think our role in this chapter would at least be covered a little.

Nope.

Littlefinger: Here Sansa, have some wine. And you probably need a bath. Let me watch you bathe.

Sansa: No thanks. I know you’re trying to get me drunk, you pedo.

Littelfinger: Pedo? No! No! Of course not. I’m like a father figure to you. In fact, that will be your new identity. You will pretend to be my bastard daughter, Alayne Stone. I’ll name you after my mom.

Sansa: So I’m a “daughter” figure to you, and yet you want to name me after your mom and have sex with me. Dude, you really need to see a psychologist. Big time.

Littlefinger: Look. Just remember your damn new name.

Sansa: “Alayne Stone.”

Littlefinger: Yes. Yes. Good. I think you’ll be a good player in this game. A better player than your father, at least.

Sansa: Game?

Littlefinger: Yes! The Game of Th—

Sansa lunges over the table and stops Baelish from saying it.

Sansa: Please don’t actually say it. I’m tired of that recurring Pee-Wee joke. It’s just not funny. Recurring jokes where someone says a key word and then an action happens in response to that key word are just not funny. I don’t know why we keep doing those jokes.

Suddenly, green slime falls all over Sansa because she said “I Don’t Know.”

Sansa: Really? REALLY? A You Can’t Do That on Television joke? How many people are going to get that one?

Littlefinger: My point is, there are two types of people in the Game of Th—ermm… nevermind, but there are two types of people. Players and pieces.

Sansa: You trying to say I’m a piece.

Littlefinger: Mmm mmm gurl, you are a piece, that’s for sure. A piece of ayass!

Sansa: *blinks without emotion*

Littlefinger: But I mean to make you into a player. Or a playa, really. Like me.  Don’t be offended by being a piece. We all start off as pieces. Some people who think they are players are actually still pieces. Take Cersei, for example. This whole time she thinks she was in control. But you know what she is? Utterly predictable. She craves power but wouldn’t know what to do with it if she got it.

Sansa: So what are you trying to tell me, Mr. “Player?” Are you responsible for Dontos poisoning Joffrey?

Littlefinger: Haha, Dontos didn’t do shit. He was never left with such an important task.

Just then, Oswell shows up. Remember him from the last Sansa chapter?

Sansa: Sort of, but not really.

She said he looked sort of familiar.

Sansa: Oh, right. Hey Oswell. You look sort of familiar.

Oswell: Yes. My name is Oswell… Oswell Kettleblack.

Sansa: Ah, I see. Like all those other Kettleblacks that are loyal to Cersei. HEY! Wait a minute…

Littlefinger: Hahah, you see what I mean about Cersei thinking that she’s a player? Those Kettleblacks that are so “loyal” to her… they really work for me!

Sansa: So did they poison Joffrey?

Littlefinger: No. Ask yourself… where did the poison come from?

Sansa: My hairnet?

Littlefinger: Right! And did anyone touch your hairnet or tussle with it in the minutes prior to Joffrey’s death?

Sansa: No, only Lady Olenna who was fixing my hair, but she--- OH CRAP! THE QUEEN OF THORNES?!

Littlefinger: Yeup.

Sansa: That lady is BAD-ASS!

Littlefinger: True. Remember… it was I that was sent by the Lannisters to make peace between Joffrey and the Tyrells! It was I that returned with Renly and the Tyrell armies for the Battle of the Blackwater, and I that led the discussions about a marriage contract between Margaery Tyrell and Joffrey. So what did I do when they asked what kind of a person Joffrey was? I told them the truth and they were horrified. They knew what Loras would do once Joffrey beat his sister. He’d kill Joffrey. Which is the result that everyone wanted anyway. But what if we could get Joffrey out of the way and have Margaery marry Tommen instead? The cute, innocent, docile boy? Everyone would get what they want! The Tyrells get Margaery married to the king and she becomes a queen, she doesn’t get beaten or abused… the whole kingdom gets rid of a shitty, tyrant, and I get to piss off Cersei and continue to fuck around and manipulate people. Chaos is an Escalator.

Sansa: Cool. Well, that’s all in the past now. I guess we just wait here until we go to the Vale, huh?

Eight days later…

Lysa: It’s me!

Lysa Arryn and her entourage shows up to Littlefinger’s sheep shit village.

Sansa: Oh shit. My crazy-ass aunt! Geez. Isn’t she younger than my mom? How come she looks 15 years older?

Lysa: Oh Petyr! PETYR!

She runs up and starts kissing and groping Littlefinger.

Littlefinger: Whoa, calm down babe. And let me introduce you to my bastard daughter, Alayne Stone.

Lysa pulls out a switch blade and starts pointing it at every female around her.

Lysa: Bastard daughter? You had sex with another woman? WHERE?! I’LL KILL HER! I’LL KILL HER! I’LL GUT HER LIKE FISH!

Littlefinger: Calm down, Lysa. You know that you’re the only woman for me. Why would I be interested in another woman when I have you now? We should, like, get married pretty soon.

Lysa: YES! YES! I MUST HAVE YOU TONIGHT! RIDE ME, COWBOY! RIDE ME HARD!

Littlefinger: Well, let’s wait until I get married.

Lysa: Then let’s get married NOW!

Littlefinger: Uh, we should wait until we get back to the Vale. So that we can have a large, public ceremony in front of everyone.

Lysa: NO! I CAN’T WAIT THAT LONG! I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE! MARRY ME NOW SO WE CAN DO THE NASTY TONIGHT!

Littlefinger: Well, I mean nothing will prevent us from doing the nasty tonight anyway, even if we’re not married. Right? I mean we did it in the past.

Littlefinger shakes his head as if he’s disgusted.

Littlefinger: But… if you insist…

And so they get married. Right there. An impromptu wedding festival happens. At the festival, a very drunk Marillion comes up to Sansa.

Marillion: Hey gurl. Let’s have sex.

Sansa: Eww. Gross. No. I have no idea who you are.

Marillion: HEY! I’m an important character! I know I haven’t been seen since A Game of Thrones… but I was pretty notable in that book. I’m the singer, Marillion!

Sansa: Never heard of you.

Marillion: I was in the Crossroads Inn when both your mom, Cat, and your future husband, Tyrion, crossed paths there. She had him arrested and brought here to the Vale. I followed the group as a singer, and made songs about the whole journey.

Sansa: Oh. I vaguely remember you. Didn’t you leave the vale with Tyrion or something and come to Kings Landing? Then you were singing bawdy songs about how the Lannisters were involved in King Robert’s death and Ser Ilyn Payne cut your tongue out? I remember that. Joffrey was all “Your fingers or your tongue?”

Marillion: No, that was just in the TV show. In the books that was a different, unnamed singer who you saw stand before Joffrey. In the books I just stayed in the Vale and became one of Lysa’s favorites. I sexually harass all the women in the Value and then the WOMEN get in trouble because I kiss Lysa’s ass and tell her how beautiful she is. She’s totally in love with me and I could get away with murder. So anyway, let’s have sex.

Sansa: No, get away from me, creeper.

Marillion: Well, in addition to getting away with murder I can also get away with rape. So I guess I’m just going to do that to you.

Sansa: OH GOD… WHEN WILL IT END?! WHEN WILL MY CHARACTER STOP BEING ABUSED?!

Marillion starts to run after her, but then Littlefinger’s buddy Lothar Brune shows up.

Lothar: Is this asshole bothering you, Sansa? Remember how I crossbowed Dontos for you? I can do the same to this guy.

Marillion: AGH!!!

He starts to run away.

Sansa: No, it’s okay. You don’t need to kill him. But thanks for saving me.

Lothar: No problem.

Sansa heads to bed that night, and again has nightmares. Of course, she’s also woken up by really loud sounds.

Lysa: OH YES! PETYR! PETYR! YES! YES! STICK IT IN ALL MY HOLES! YES! LETS MAKE A BABY TONIGHT! YES! HARDER! HARDER! HARDER! NOW GO ASS TO MOUTH! YES! MMM!!!!

Sansa: Oh Jesus.

Sansa stuffs a pillow over her head to block out all the screaming.

The next dawn comes and she gets up, having had a miserable night with barely any sleep at all.

Littlefinger: Ah, “Alayne,” there you are. Hope you had a good night.

Sansa: I did not.

Littlefinger: Oh, by the way… I told Lysa the  truth about who you are. I let her know that you’re really Cat’s daughter, and that’s why you should come with us to the Vale for protection. But this has to be a secret between just a few people, okay? Most people must not know!

Sansa: Well I’m glad you had some time to have some conversation last night inbetween all that loud sex that will give me even MORE horrible nightmares. That will never leave my head.

Lysa shows up.

Lysa: Ah, there you are. I should have known you were Cat’s daughter. You look just like her.

Littlefinger: I know. So fucking hot, right? Sooooooo hot!

Lysa's eye twitches, but she keeps smiling and acts like Littlefinger didn't say a thing.

Littlefinger: Uhm. I… er… just remember I had some preparations to make for our departure. Will you excuse me?

He leaves.

Lysa: We will, of course, have to darken your hair so you don’t look like Cat anymore. People will start to talk.

Sansa: Eww. Do I have to?

Lysa: YES! Ah, I’m so glad that I’m finally wed to my beloved Petyr! I’ve waited my whole life for this. It was him that I was always meant to be with. It was him that I’ve always loved! I was forced to marry that disgusting shithead Jon Arryn. Well now he’s dead and Petyr is mine. So… speaking about unwanted marriages… are you a maiden, flowered yet?

Sansa: Gross. Why does everybody want to know if I’ve had my period yet?

Lysa: Because I mean to marry you to my son, Lord Robert.

Sansa: I’m sort of already married. Athough my husband never really had sex with me. He liked the whores instead.

Lysa: True. But you’ll be a widow soon enough. That Imp will soon be dead. It should have been me that did it! Your stupid mother should have never brought him here! I should have never listed to her! She brought nothing but misery and despair and she stole our uncle, the Blackfish, from me! That fucking cunt! I hate her!

Sansa: Thanks for talking about MY RECENTLY MURDERED MOTHER like that. It’s not a sore spot or anything.

Lysa: It matters not! You’ll be wed in secret to my Robert as soon as the Imp dies. Robert will grow to be a great man, you’ll see! Until then you can read to him, play games with him, change his diapers, and give him his daily doses of Ritalin, Lithium, Valproate, and Thorazine.

Sansa: You mean Chlorpromazine?

Lysa: What?

Sansa: Thorazine is a name brand used for marketing. The actual name of the drug is Chlorpromazine.

Lysa: Whatever.

Sansa: That’s a lot of mood stabilizers. This Robert kid must have problems.

Lysa: NO! HE’S PERFECT! PERFECT AND HEALTHY AND STRONG! He just needs those to help him a little. Oh, also he needs Brivaracetam and Valium for his seizures.

Sansa: Diazepam.

Lysa: WHAT?

Sansa: Trade name again. Valium is just Diazepam.

Lysa: He also needs benzonatate for his coughs, Hydrocodone for his back pain, Simvastatin for his cholesterol, an HCTZ-Lisinopril combo for his blood pressure, Levothyroxine sodium for his hypothyroidism, Omeprazole for his major gastric problems, Metformin for his diabetes, Aripiprazole for his psychotic delusions, Albuterol for his short-term asthma rescue, a cocktail of various Corticosteroids for his long-term asthma control, as well as Flintstone Vitamins and Somatotropin Human Growth Hormone so that he keeps growing to be a big, strong man!

Sansa: This kid is on more shit than Demi Lovato.

Lysa: Remember though! When you play games with him… you must always let him win! He is the Lord of the Eyrie, after all. You must never forget your place. He is the superior man and you are the inferior woman! Property for him to own! You will obey his every word and be his obedient slave! Sure, the Starks of Winterfell USED to be a powerful house and you have pride. But you must throw away that pride because the Starks are all DEAD and WORTHLESS now. Winterfell is in ruins and you are a fucking filthy beggar, just like I always knew my cunt sister and her children would become. SCUM. SCUM that is lucky to be offered to marry my wonderful, perfect son.

Sansa: Well, this sounds like it’s going to be a lot of fun. Maybe I should just go back to Kings Landing and get executed instead.

ASoS 67: Jaime VIII

Jaime, while he was away from Kings Landing, was made the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Well, now that he’s back and he’s already taken care of the important things like having sex with his sister next to the dead body of their incest child, it’s time for him to move into the apartments of the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Jaime: Well, time to put my white cloak uniform on and be a Kingsguard again!

Jaime puts it on, but it’s very ill-fitting. What with him starving and getting all skinny in his adventures.

Jaime: I guess there is also this book about all the members of the Kingsguard that the Lord Commander is supposed to update, huh? Yeah… let me take a look and read that.

Jaime looks at it, and it looks like the last person to update was Barristan Selmy.  Selmy was, in fact, so dutiful that he even updated his own firing while he was fleeing out of town to avoid being murdered by Joffrey.

Jaime: *ahem*… Barristan Selmy wrote of Barristan Selmy, “Awesome dude. The best. So honorable. So many achievements. Very wow. Fired by shithead Joffrey and will now flee to Essos to work for Dany. But nobody reads this so I assume nobody will ever know that. Peace out, bitches!”

Jaime reads the rest of Barristan’s accomplishments as a knight. They are many and plentiful. Then he reads his own entry.
Jaime: “Jaime Lannister. Kingslayer. He exists.”  MAN! What the hell?! It’s like… in comparison to all these other people in this book, I’ve accomplished NOTHING!

And then Jaime realizes that it looks that way because it’s true. He reads the entries for guys like Ser Arthur Dayne and he gets sad. He’s accomplished so little compared to their great deeds. They were his idols. They will be remembered forever. How will he be remembered?

Later, Jaime’s apartment hosts a meeting for the other five remaining sworn brothers of the Kingsguard – Osmund Kettleblack, Boros Blount, Meryn Trant, Loras Tyrell and Balon Swan. The sixth member, Arys Oakheart, is off at Dorne with his daughter. Jaime thinks about these guys. Balon and Loras seem like they might be okay dudes. Boros and Meryn he knows are complete assholes. Osmund… well… Osmund is a total mystery since he has barely ever met him before and he rose up the ranks to become Cersei’s yes boy while he was away.
Jaime: Well, it’s good to gather all the Kingsguard here all in one place.

Balon: Shouldn’t one of us be guarding the king though?

Jaime: Hrm. Good point. Let’s make this meeting quick. So who thinks my brother poisoned Joffrey?

Boros and Meryn raise their hands.

Jaime: Hrm. What a coincidence. The who assholes who I dislike the most.

Balon: It could have been anyone. Lots of people had access to Joffrey’s cup.

Knight of Flowers: I bet it was that bitch Sansa. I never liked her. She had just as much motive to want Joffrey head.

Jaime: Hrm. She did. Good point. But then pretty much everyone has a motive to kill Joffrey because he’s an absolute dick.

Balon: Wait… didn’t you give her a flower at that tournament for the Hand of the King and declare her as beautiful?

Knight of Flowers: Huh? What? Did I?
Jaime: Well, the past is the past. Let’s just forget it. Joffrey is dead and Tommen is King. And unlike the rest of you shitty Kingsguard who let kings die on your watch… I intend for Tommen to live a long life where he dies of old age. 

Balon: What about un-treatable cancer when he's middle aged?  It’s not like that would be the Kingsguard’s fault either.

Jaime: True. Natural causes is what I’m trying to say. No more poisoning. From now on, I declare that the King needs a food taster to make sure his food isn’t poisoned. BOROS… that will be your job.

Boros: WHAT?! I am a knight of the Kingsguard! I am not some peasant boy who should be food taster! This is an insult.

Jaime: Well, you know, it was sort of meant as an insult. So, in conclusion, fuck you sideways with a rusty sword.

Boros: I won’t be told what to do by some fucking CRIPPLE!

He stands up and puts his hand on his sword.

Jaime: Hahaha. You want to try me, biatch? Let’s see how well you do against my left hand.

Boros takes his hand off his sword and storms out of the room, angrily.

Jaime: Hahaha, awesome. He totally didn’t call my bluff on that one. In reality, I SUCK HARD with my left hand. I’m completely useless.  OKAY… next up… Balon. Why have I never heard of you before I came back to Kings Landing? Usually people who are promoted to the Kingsguard are pretty famous knights who win tournaments or battles or at the very least serve in great houses.

Osmund: Ah, well, I started off as a common sellsword. You know. For some people. You probably haven’t heard of them.

Jaime: Ugh. You sound like a hipster. Okay, you can leave too.

Osmund is dismissed and exits.

Jaime: Next up… MERYN. I hear you like beating women and children, huh?

Meryn: What?

Jaime: You know, all that beating of that little girl Sansa you did. You fucking sick-o.

Meryn: I did what the king ordered me to do. I was simply obeying my king!

Jaime: If the king told you to jump off a bridge, would you?

Meryn: Well… erm… no.

Jaime: If the king told you to remove your lower ribs and suck yourself off in front of the whole throne room… would you?

Meryn: Gross. No. Maybe in private, but…

Jaime: --King Joffrey was a fucking child. A child not yet of age to make decisions like that. You will not blindly obey child kings in the future. Unless it’s about something mundane and stupid. If King Tommen tells you to get him a new pet cat… you will do that, okay? But if King Tommen  tells you to MURDER a cat in front of him to watch it die… you come and tell me about that so I can smack the fuck out of him, okay?

Meryn: But… he’s the king!

Jaime: You will obey me, you will obey Cersei, and you will obey our father. A child can’t make decisions like that from the realm. Get it?

Meryn: *grumbles* Yes.

Jaime: Now get out of my sight.

Trant leaves.

Jaime: Okay Balon, you’re next up. The Kingsguard is honored by your presence.

Balon: Oh wow. A complement instead of being berated like the others? Cool.

Jaime: BUT—

Balon: Ah, damnit. I knew there would be a but.

Jaime: But your brother, Donnel, is a potential problem. First Donnel swore to Renly. Then he swore to Stannis. Then he lost at the Battle of the Blackwater and bent the knee to Joffrey.  Tommen will be the fourth different king he bends the knee to.  Do I need to be worried about him swapping to a FIFTH king if things ever get a little rough around here? He doesn’t seem loyal to anyone.

Balon: Hey man, Donnel is Donnel and I’m Balon. Who knows what that guy will do?

Jaime: True. But I do care about what YOU will do. Let’s say your brother swears to a new king and abandons Joffrey. Then you’ll be in a place where you have to choose between your family and your king. What will you do then? Protect the king at all costs? Or jump sides and stay with your family, betraying the king.

Balon: Ah, I see what’s happening here. Projection.

Jaime: Huh?

Balon: You’re not really talking about me. You’re talking about yourself.

Jaime: Explain.

Balon: Well, Mad King Aerys wanted your father dead and your family sided with Robert. So you had to choose between your duties as Kingsguard to Aerys or your family. And you chose your family by murdering the king.  So you’re not REALLY asking me about what I’d do with Tommen. You’re asking if YOU made the right decision in the past. You’re trying to justify your own actions and morality.

Jaime: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. But no. You’re wrong. I am asking you about Tommen. What would you do?

Balon: Well… I sure as fuck wouldn’t do what you did and become a Kingslayer, you piece of shit.

Jaime: Hahaha, oh man. Balon, Balon, Balon. You keep that shit real, don’t you? You passed that trick question with flying colors. Good work. Now get the fuck out of here.

That leaves only the Knight of Flowers remaining.

Jaime: Ugh. You. Young. Cocky. Smug. Sure of yourself. With that shit-eating grin on your face. Everything about you is so fucking annoyi….. OH MY GOD, I just realized why I hate you so much. You are me. Everything about me when I joined the Kingsguard is you.

Knight of Flowers: Correct, in this scene you are asking the rest of us what we would do. But this chapter isn’t about us. It’s about you.

Jaime: So tell me the truth… everybody knows that the Ghost of Renly didn’t really join the Battle of the Blackwater. Who was wearing Renly’s armor? Was it you, Loras?

Knight of Flowers: Nah, it was my brother Garlan. It was Littlefinger’s suggestion.  And before you jump into the same line of questioning that you did with Balon, let me cut you off. I will defend King Tommen to my last breath. I will not betray him. But like Swann, I’ve obviously changed who I’m loyal to. I’m not ashamed of that. If Renly were still alive, I’d still be with him. He was the king who should have been.

Jaime: Yeah, whatever. So what do you think we should do about Brienne of Tarth?

Knight of Flowers: She should die for killing my beloved… ermm… for killing Renly! She tricked him into making her a Knight!

Jaime: So it’s not honorable to use trickery? Because I remember some asshole who used a mare in heat during a tourney fight with the Mountain in order to win his match.

Knight of Flowers: That was me.

Jaime: Yes, I know.

Knight of Flowers: Oh. Oh. Right. I get it now.

Jaime: And were you there to see Brienne kill Renly, like you accuse her of?

Knight of Flowers: No! But even if she didn’t murder him… it’s still her fault! She was there to protect him and he died anyway. It was her job to keep him alive and she failed!

Jaime: You mean just like it was your job to keep Joffrey alive and you failed?

Knight of Flowers: Ah. Okay. Right. I get it again. I see.

Jaime: She says it was the Shadow of Stannis that killed Renly and that she could save him no more than you could save Joffrey. How exactly does one fight a shadow?

Knight of Flowers: Uhm. I dunno. Ghostbusters? Her story about that shadow sounds like total bullshit. But then again, something pierced right through Renly’s armor and killed him. Something strong. That bitch is strong but not THAT strong. Maybe it was some type of magic.

Jaime: Well, I’ve put Brienne in a jail cell for you. Go to her. Ask her. Interrogate her yourself. Get her side of the story. Judge her guilt or innocence fairly as a knight. I promise whatever you decide, I will accept it. Now get the hell out of here too!

Loras leaves and Jaime thinks about how the Knight of Flowers had killed the other of Renly’s Rainbow Kingsguard in anger for failing to protect him. Loras loved Renly so much that he killed Robar and Emmon.  Jaime wonders why he’s barely even considering to do the same to the Kingsguard who failed to protect his son. He doesn’t wonder for long though.

Jaime: Oh right, I never actually loved that little shit. Now… to do something about this missing hand. I think I should get a golden one to replace it. Yes! A golden hand! That would be awesome to fingerblast my sister with!

Jaime looks back over to the book about the Kingsguard and his almost empty page in it. It’s his duty to fill that page up with his deeds. If he wants to be as great a knight as Barristan and the Star in the Morning… he can still do it.

Jaime: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves!

Loras pops his head back in.

Knight of Flowers: You stole that from Terminator 2.

Jaime: Shut up, Loras.

ASoS 66: Tyrion IX, Part 2

Day 1 of the trial has concluded, and Tyrion has been sent back to his quarters. 

Tyrion: Well, that sucked. Everyone is trying to make me look guilty. Fucking Kettleblacks, man.

His uncle, Ser Kevan is there too. He's the closest thing Tyrion is given to a lawyer/public defender.

Kevan:  Dude, you really need some witnesses if you want to not be executed.

Tyrion: What about Varys? That dude is TOTES on my side, right?

Kevan: Eh. Sure. I guess we can look for him.

Kevan leaves to go locate Varys. 

But Varys never shows up.

The trial resumes the next day.  The first witnesses are all the Maesters they have in town.

Maester Ballabar: It was poison.

Maester Frenken: Yep. Definitely poison.

Maester Pycelle: Tyrion once stole a whole lot of poison from me. It's true. He probably killed the boy! The poor, poor boy! Oh what a great and wonderful king he was! The most noble person in all the kingdom!

Tyrion: --I OBJECT! I object mainly to Joffrey being called a noble person because EVERYBODY here knows that Joffrey is a human fucking stain.

There is a quiet murmor of agreement in the court. 

Tyrion: But more importantly... I OBJECT because I want to to answer me this: did any of the poisons that I confiscated from you while you were IN JAIL cause symptoms that match what Joffrey died from?

Pycelle: Erm... uhh... well, technically no... but...

Tywin: --TYRION! I'm warning you!

Tyrion: What the fuck, dad? I'm not allowed to cross-examine lying witnesses?

Tywin: No. Not really. It's not that type of trial. It's more of the "we're killing time, waiting until Ilyn Payne sharpens his sword" trial.

And so to kill time, a parade of additional witnesses are called against him. Lady Merryweather claims she saw him slip something into the cup.

Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't even know who Lady Merryweather is! Why is she my enemy? Not that long ago I literally SAVED THIS CITY with my plans to defend it... and now everyone is betraying me?

The trial ends again for the day.  Again, Varys does not come to Tyrion's aid per his request. Where the hell is Varys anyway?

In his quarters again that night...

Kevan: You know, you should just confess.

Tyrion: I didn't do it!

Kevan: You'd be allowed to take the black.

Tyrion: You really think I'm falling for that after what happened to Ned Stark?

Kevan: You have no witnesses for you. And even if you were innocent, you'd be safer on the Wall than in Kings Landing. The mob will kill you even if the judges don't. Besides, your father is an honorable man. He wouldn't do you wrong like Joffrey did to Ned.

Tyrion: Ugh. I wish I could believe you. Let me... think on it over night.

And so Tyrion thinks on it over night.

The next day the trial resumes. The next witness up for the prosecution is FUCKING VARYS.

Tyrion: OH, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!

Varys: Yeah, so Tyrion had this scheme he was telling me about. He wanted to get rid of the Hound and kill Joffrey, and then make Tommen the king. But since Tommen is so young and stupid... he would really be in control and run the Kingdom himself as the Hand.  I got a bunch of documents here to prove it... which aren't all all forged.

Varys puts a bunch of documents that say "REAL, NOT FORGED" on them in crayon. The jurrors all nod at this really good evidence.

Tyrion: DAMNIT! FAAAAAAAAAAKE!

Fucking Moron Tyrell: Well, I don't see how it could be fake. It says "REAL, NOT FORGED" right on it.

Tyrion: You are the worst, dumbest shit ever, Mace.

And the trial ends for the day again. You'd think this could have all happened in one day, but they're really stretching this damn thing out.

That night,  the Red Viper comes to visit him.

Red Viper: Hey asshole, did you poison Joffrey?

Tyrion: NO! And why are you here? You're one of my judges. Surely you're not supposed to be here.

Red Viper: No, I'm not supposed to be here. But I'm here anyway. Shhh! It's a secret.

Tyrion: So, what did my father offer you to find me guilty?

Red Viper: Oh, nothing you fucking Lannisters do is ever that direct. But Cersei flirted with me about how she was single now, and I could tell what that was meant to imply.  I'd rather fuck a nest of scorpions than Cersei though.

Tyrion: Eww. On both accounts.


Red Viper: You know, it's good for me that you're the prime suspect in this. If they weren't blaming you... then they'd probably be blaming me. What with me hating the Lannisters and everything. PLUS there is the whole thing about Dornish law, you know.  Joffrey was the eldest child but Tommen is younger than Myrcella.  In Dorne, the female has just as much right as the male in inheriting thrones and titles. That would mean according to our law, Myrcella would be crowned and become Queen. And she's currency a hostage guest in Dorne, under our control and betrothed to my nephew.

Tyrion: Why are you telling me all of this? You're really making a good case against yourself. Besides, Dornish law doesn't apply here.

Red Viper: Well... what if we were to choose to crown her anyway? Who do you think Cersei would side with?

Tyrion: Hrm. Good point. She does have a giant stick up her ass about sexism holding her down in life. Seeing her daughter in charge would really "stick it to the man." She and Jaime are twins, yes. But she was born a few minutes before him and has always thought that means she comes first. But then again... Tywin would never allow it.

Red Viper: Hah! Tywin will not live forever

Tyrion: Ooh. Pretty menacing there. You know Varys has his "little birds" everywhere, right? I'd watch where you say things like that.

Red Viper: It was not a threat. It was just a statement of fact.  You know, Fatty Tyrell is convinced of your guilt already.  And you look pretty guilty to me too. So guilty, in fact, that I am sure of your innocence!

Tyrion: That must be the kind of logic that the OJ Simpson jury used when deliberating too.

Red Viper: Alas, justice is a farce here. I doubt you will be given justice, no matter how I vote. You will be condemned. It has all been decided in advance.

Tyrion: No shit, Sherlock.

Red Viper: So tell me of this story that your father says of my sister Elia's death and the death of her children with Rhaegar. Was it truly this "Ser Amory Lorch" that killed them? And is this Lorch fellow really dead himself?

Tyrion: It is true that Ser Amory killed your niece, Princess Rhaenys. And it is also true that Lorch was killed by a bear. But Elia and Prince Aegon? They were killed by Ser Gregor Clegane. The Mountain raped her before he killed her, just like the stories say. But... uhm... I don't think my dad actually gave the order.

Red Viper: He did though.

Tyrion: Yeah, fair enough.

Red Viper: Well, I still might be able to save you anyway.

Tyrion: How? You're only one judge. I'd need to win over TWO judges.

Red Viper: Oh, I wouldn't save you as your judge. I'd save you as YOUR CHAMPION.

Tyrion: Oh. Shit, dawg. You should have come in with that news as the first thing out of your mouth.