ADwD 35: Jon VII

Jon: Finally, this huge blizzard has ended. I guess that means we at last have a chance to allow these six of these new guys who joined the Night’s Watch and who worship the Old Gods to take their vows. So I guess I better take them up to the godswood, north of the Wall, in order to say the words before the wierwood trees. Just like me and Sam did back in the day.

Bowen Marsh: Whoa, whoa, whoa. NORTH of the Wall? To the Haunted Forest? You’re freaking crazy.

Dolorous Edd: I agree with Marsh here.

Jon: But they need to take their vows.

Bowen: Make them take their vows here at the sept with the rest of the people.

Jon: But the Faith of the Seven isn’t their religion. What good are their vows if they swear them before gods they don’t believe in?

Bowen: The reason that at least two of those people you mean to take with you are following the Old Gods is because they are freaking WILDLINGS. Now you’re proposing to go NORTH of the Wall with them.  And once you’re past the wall you’ll be surrounded by the Wildlings that wouldn’t take the knee to Stannis and decided to remain up there. The ones who just gouged out the eyes of three of our men.  Changes are, you don’t need to worry about those other eye-gouging Wildlings you attacking you up there. Your own recruits are probably going to be the ones to betray you and rejoin their people.

Jon: I’m not scared. I’ve got Ghost with me. Come on boy!

Ghost: *woof* [Translate: Oh, you mean I’m going to actually be featured in this chapter instead of left out, huh? I was starting to think this blog author was cutting me out just like the show is. Maybe you'll leave be behind without even petting me, huh?]

Geez, sorry Ghost.

The party rides out to the godswoods north of the Wall. Along with Jon are Hareth, Arron, Emrick and Satin. The last two recruits Jon looks over at… “Leathers” and “Jax,” the two Wildlings from Mole’s Town who decided to take the black.

Jon: Should I be worried about those two like Bowen said I should? Hrm. I dunno. Of the 63 Wildlings who came with me from Mole’s Town, so far those are the only two who have actually taken the black. Althouh I guess the ratio isn’t that bad when you consider that 19 are girls.

Iron Emmett, the new young Master at Arms for Castle Black, is along for the ride too. He overhears Jon and rides up.

Iron Emmett: So what about those female Wildlings, huh? They’re going to cause insanity on the Wall. We’re not supposed to have women with us for a reason.

Jon: Eh, these northern spearwives can hold their own.  Will guys try to rape them? Sure. But they’ll get their wee-wee’s cut off.  Three men have already been locked up for trying stuff. Besides, we’re trying to keep them segregated in Hardin’s Tower.

Emmett: Oh yeah, the Harlot’s Tower.

Jon: Geez… is that REALLY what people are calling it? So sexist. Anyway, as you know I intend to re-open three more castles along the Wall. Deep Lake, Sable Hall, and Long Barrow. I plan to send all of the Spearwives to Long Barrow and make it an almost all-female fort to avoid any future incidents.

Emmett: Oh man, an all-female fortress on the Wall? The erotic fanfics are practically already writing themselves.

Jon: But they will of course need actual Members of the Night’s Watch to command them. Which is why I plan to send you and Dolorous Edd to watch over them, as Commander and Chief Steward.

Emmett: Oh yeah, two more characters who have been shown to be competent and worthy of your trust. Better SEND THEM AWAY SO YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE NO ALLIES AT CASTLE BLACK.

Jon: Huh?

Emmett: Oh, nothing. I… uhh… quite frankly, I don’t know how I feel about you saying I’m going to an all-female castle. Part of me is horrified by the idea, but the other part of me has the biggest boner.

Jon: Of course we also have the Halleck issue. Halleck is causing a lot of trouble and I should send him off to one of those other castles too. Of course I need to worry about the Thenns as well. I bet they blame me for the death of the last Magnar, Styr. Although I didn’t even kill him. He just fell off that ice wall.

Another person riding out in advance of the group of recruits is Tom Barleycorn, a scout who had been sent out early to make sure that there was no trouble ahead. He rides back to Jon.

Tom: Lord Commander, I went to the godwood and I saw a bunch of Wildlings there. Nine of them, including a giant!

Jon: Well crap. Do you think we have a fight on our hands?

Tom: Maybe. Although they looked more like “weak and pathetic Wildlings seeking shelter” than “we want to fight” Wildlings. But yeah, there is a giant. So we need to play this cool.

Jon and the party approach cautiously and prepare for anything. Well, not anything. If Cersei Lannister jumped out with the Mountain they wouldn’t be prepared for that because it’s highly unlikely and illogical. But they’re prepared for ALMOST anything given the circumstances and facts they currently have before them.

Jon: Okay everyone! Put down your weapons! We mean you no harm!

Giant: Ewfiugfwi gfwiuwr ereg.

Jon: What did the giant say? It looks like he’s just mashing the keyboard.

Leathers:  I speak the Old Tongue. He’s threatening us and saying he’s going to tear off our arms and beat us to death with them.

But the rest of the Wildlings are, as predicted, sick and weary. Three of them appear to already be laying in the snow, dead.

Jon: Tell the giant that we mean them no harm. Tell him that the old gods are our gods too, and we have simply come here to pray.

Leathers: Ikjefwh efgwefu etclwiohfwhl.

Giant: Ofwhww wrih wuf prghbek.

Leathers: Ywfhkgrh?

Giant: Ydllkhf peuffna euwe’eiidh weyewkh!!!

Leathers: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Giant: HAHAHAHAHA!

Leathers: Ihsdvjkd weewf leefhf’dhdh ieueib!!!

Giant: Pwefoiw zdief Ekgdgd dlkdllkehfel!

Jon: Leathers, what the hell, man? Are you just carrying on a long conversation and telling jokes to each other.

Leathers: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Jon. It’s just that he looked sort of like a Giant I used to know, and we were chatting and it winds up that this guy’s brother went University of Frostfangs with my cousin, Andrew. And so I met this guy’s brother before once when I was hanging out with Andrew. Anyway, his name is Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. But you can call him “Wun Wun” for short.

Jon: *sigh* IS HE CHILL WITH US?

Leathers: Oh yeah, he’s chill with us. We can worship here at the trees and he won’t rip our arms off.

Jon looks around at the rest of the Wildlings. Beyond the giant there is a Thenn, a woman with a child, and a Hornfoot.  The others are, well, dead… so they don’t matter.

Jon: Go on, let’s say the words.

The new recruits kneel down and say the words.

Everyone: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.

Jon: Good callback. Anyway, it is done.  But you know what? That stuff about protecting the realms of men? That really got me thinking… it’s our duty to protect ALL men. And women too, sorry. I meant “men” as in “mankind” as in “humankind.” All people, I mean. Including Free Folk. So why don’t you people come with me? I’ll take you back to Castle Black where you can be fed and protected.

Thenn: I hear that the Crows have been burning Wildling refugees alive!

Jon: Not true. FAKE NEWS. We only burn the bodies of those who are already dead so they will not come back as Wights. You have my word that if you come with me, I will protect you.

Leathers also translates this to Wun Wun.

The Wildlings all look at each other.

Wildlings: Sure, why the hell not?

And so they head back to Castle Black, with yet more new people (and mouths to feed).

Jon: Bring the dead bodies too.

Emmett: WHAT?! Why?!

Jon: I want to put them in the Ice Cells.

Emmett: For what reason? Oh wait! Is it because the people of the south don’t believe that Wights exist? And you want these corpses to come back from the dead so that you can lock one up in a box, take it to Kings Landing, and prove that they do exist so that the south will send forces to help?

Jon: That seems like a dumb idea and definitely not anything worth losing a dragon over.

Emmett: Huh?

Jon: What?

Emmett: Never mind.

They get back to the Wall. Of course when Jon gets there, he finds a letter waiting for him with Stannis’s seal.

Jon: Ugh. What does ol’ Grumpypants have to say now? Hrmm. “Dead Jon Snow, I have successfully allied with the mountain clans and Alysane Mormont and taken Deepwood Motte, which was totally my idea by the way. And yes, I said Alysane Mormont. Not Lyanna. My troops number over 5000 strong now and continue to grow. I have learned that Ramsay Bolton is planning to marry your half sister Arya. When I attack Winterfell and kill everyone there, I’ll try to save her if I can and if I feel like it. If she does live, I’ll find her a better match than Ramsay Bolton. But then again that isn’t hard because Ted Freakin’ Bundy would probably be a better match. I’m totes excited about the attack, especially with the help of my new best friends the Karstarks. Ah yes, the totally reliable and trustworthy Karstarks. They’re the best. I think I might have new friends for life with them. Anyway, I’m running out of ink. Bye! –Stannis.”

Jon looks at the letter, which is super weird. But then again, Stannis is weird.

Jon: Hrm. Melisandre saw Arya escaping without Stannis’s help. Do I even need Stannis’s help? Or is this all BS. Maybe the Boltons don’t evn have Arya and the whole thing is a lie. Maybe they’re just SAYING that they have Arya to tempt Stannis to attack Winterfell, where they have a pretty good defensive position. And then there is Mel’s plan with Mance. Mance and six spearwives were sent off to Winterfell in disguise to rescue Arya. This also now seems like a good time to mention something that I have never mentioned before – that as a boy my hero was always Daeron Targaryen, the boy king who conquered Dorne. Isn’t odd that I’m all of a sudden just now name-dropping that I have a Targaryen dragon hero? Almost like I wish I was one. Although if I was one, I suppose I'd be into doing stuff like kissing my aunt. Which would be gross. Although if all my auntie wanted was a kiss or else she'd go crazy and burn down all of Kings's Landing, I suppose I should just suck it up and give her a kiss.

ADwD 34: Bran III

Bran is going a several-month-long training montage with the Three-Eyed Crow.  And while Bran is unable to box against meat hanging in a refrigerated warehouse, nor able to dramatically jog around various landmarks in Philadelphia (on account of his disability), you can assume the training that he’s going through is pretty intense. Especially because of how long it’s taking.

Bran looks up and sees a crescent moon. He sees a full moon. He sees a new moon. He sees a waxing gibbous moon. Not necessarily in that order. I’m just saying, he sees a lot of moons as he’s training. There are a bunch of moon cycles going on. And as each moon cycle lasts 29.53 days, and he sees a lot of these moons over and over again, you can rest assured that quite some time has been passing with Bran learning.

Bran: Wow, I’m learning stuff. This is cool.

Leaf: It sure is. I guess.

Bran: Hey, is calling you all “Children” insulting to you?

Leaf: It sort of is. Our actual name is Defvljkhveflkj’hvf’ojkohfv.

Bran: Are you sure? Because it looks like someone just mashed a keyboard.

Leaf: Maybe someone mashed a keyboard. Maybe someone didn’t. The point is, that in the language of your people, that roughly translates to “Those Who Sing the Song of Earth.”

Bran: Okay, that’s really long too. So I’m just going to keep calling you all “Children.”

Leaf: *sigh* Whatever.

Bran: Say, why are you the only one I talk to?

Leaf: Oh, because I’m the only one of the “Children” who can speak your common tongue.  I took it as an elective back in High School. All the rest of the children were doing stuff like Valyrian, Old Tongue, Ghiscari, Klingon, Esperanto, and Balto-Slavic.

Bran: I’d figure you could all just use your magic to speak all the languages or something. Like use your Greenseer skills or something.

Leaf: We’re not all Greenseers. For this is the last Greenseer.

She points at the Three-Eyed Crow.

Bran: Wait… he's the last? But aren’t I a greenseer… sort of? Isn’t Jojen?

Three-Eyed Crow: No. Jojen just gets high a lot and makes up stuff.

Bran: Yeah, I suppose I always sort of knew that in my heart. Say, Three-Eyed Crow. We don’t talk much. Tell me a little about yourself.

Three-Eyed Crow: Well, my name is Brynden. Brynden Rivers. Or it was back when I was not a person who lived inside of a tree.

Bran: Haha, wow. You have a name very similar to Ser Brynden Rivers, who in his day was nicknamed "Lord Bloodraven." Have you heard about him? He was the bastard son of King Aegon IV Targaryen, aka "Aegon the Unworthy," with his sixth mistress, Melissa Blackwood. Remember that king? He's the terrible one that Tyrion was talking about in that chapter when he was droning on about the Golden Company. He legitimized his bastards and basically caused the Blackfyre Rebellion after his death due to a secession crisis. Lord Bloodraven was one of those bastards that was legitimized, just like Daemon I Blackfyre and Aegor "Bittersteel" Rivers. Only while many of the other bastards are associated with joining team Blackfyre, Lord Bloodraven remained loyal to the crown and to Aegon the Unworthy's "true born" heir,  Daeron Targaryen. He even lost an eye fighting against the Blackfyres. But after the Targaryen faction won, he continued to rise up and become powerful.  He was even the original Varys-like character, becoming the Master of Whisperers at Kinsg Landing. People used to ask, "How many eyes does Lord Bloodraven have?" That was a really messed up question to ask because he lost an eye in the war, defending it. Like when Saturday Night Live made fun of Dan Crenshaw. Just not cool. But I digress. Anyway, the answer to the question  was "A thousand eyes, plus one." Referring kind of douche-ily to his one remaining eye, but also the thousand other eyes of the spies he controlled. It was sort of cool. But he wasn't just Master of Whisperers, as he was also elevated to become Hand of the King during the reign of his nephew, Aerys I Targaryen, and then later Maekar I Targaryen.  However, after Maekar's death in 233 After Conquest (AC), there was a question of who the heir would be. A Great Council was called to determine who would take the throne. Aenys (I think it's pronounced "Anus") Blackfyre, a son of Daemon I Blackfyre, was one of those candidates, and Lord Bloodraven was not happy with that at all. By this time there had been THREE Blackfyre rebellions which Lord Bloodraven had fought against. So the story goes Lord Bloodraven wanted to end the Blackfyre line for once and all and invited Aenys to participate... BUT THEN HAD HIM MURDERED! Needless to say, people didn't think this was cool and he was arrested. Eventually he was allowed to take the Black and join the Night's Watch.  It only took about six year after that until he was elevated to the position of Lord Commander. However, he went on a ranging mission beyond the Wall in 252 AC and never returned.

Three-Eyed Crow: *blinks, annoyed*

Bran: Wait... was that a blink or a wink? I can't tell because you only have one high.

Three-Eyed Crow: Are you done yet?

Bran: Done with what? The story? Yeah, I guess beca-OHHHHHH HOLY SHIT! YOU ONLY HAVE ONE EYE! YOU'RE THAT BRYNDEN RIVERS!

Three-Eyed Crow: Jesus Christ, that took you a while to figure out.

Bran: Dude, you're like a 125 years old. 

Leaf: The powers here have allowed him to live a much longer lifespan than most humans.

Bran: Well, that’s sort of cool I guess. But do I really want to live a long lifespan if I have to be part-tree?

Jojen: *sigh* Life sucks, man.

Bran: Well that was a non-sequitur. Why are you so down, Jojen? Is it because you ran out of weed and it’s too cold up here to grow any more?

Jojen: A little, man. But it’s, like, you know, the trees remember things, man. They remember the secrets of life. They will remember us after we’re all long dead and gone.

Bran: Geez, what a Debbie Downer you’ve become. Stop talking about death, dude. Maybe you don’t have to die! You can become a REAL Greenseer like me.

Jojen: No way, dude. My part in this story is done. I’ve served my part, and now it’s time to just die. I know it, man. I know it.

Bran: Sorry about my friend Jojen, everyone. I think he has the seasonal affective disorder with all this cold weather.

The Children start to make Bran a little stick/tree throne of his own to sit on, which seems cool if you don’t think about the fact that they probably want to turn him into a tree man.

Three-Eyed Crow: Now I will teach you how to warg into ravens and shit. It’s pretty cool. Remember that whole “you will fly” line? Yeah. Awesome, right?

Bran: Oh, is that what you meant by teaching me to fly? Just warging into ravens? Because that seems pretty simply since I already figured out how to Warg into Summer and Hodor on my own. I could have probably figured out ravens and crows and shit too.  I thought by teaching me to fly, you meant I’d get to ride one of Dany’s three dragons or something. 

Three-Eyed Crow: No. Now come on. Let’s warg some more.

Bran enters into the spirits of the trees and all that. He senses life all around him. He then enters a raven, but he feels someone else in there.

Bran: Whoa, what’s all that life I feel?

Three-Eyed Crow: Oh, you know. It’s just other Children of the Forest who, over the millennia, had previously been inside of these birds.

Bran: Shit, how old are these ravens?

Three-Eyed Crow: Every time you warg into an animal, you leave a little of yourself behind. So your soul is mixing in with all of theirs.

Bran: This sort of feels like being the last guy in line at an Annabel Chong gangbang. I'm not even getting sloppy seconds. This is sloppy 300ths.

Jojen: The Children, like, totally think the life you’re feeling is the old gods, bro. When they die… they all join the godhood and become one with the gods, man. Far out.

Bran: WHAT?! When they die?! What the hell? Do you guys want me to die and become part of this freaky godhood?!

Meera: JOJEN! Stop saying stuff like that to Bran! You’re freaking him out.

Jojen: It’s not Bran who needs to be afraid.

Meera: …

Bran: …

Leaf: …

Bran: God, Jojen. You’re getting more and more cryptic.

Leaf: So anyway, to break the tension here, let me tell you all about the history of my people. There used to be a ton of us. But them mankind showed up and started murdering us all. Just like with the giants and the unicorns and stuff. Now there are so few of us, people believe we’re a myth.

Bran: So then you created the White Walkers to kill mankind in revenge… only the whole thing backfired and now the White Walkers want to kill everything and end all life? The White Walkers represent death itself and the Three-Eyed Crow represents knowledge… and knowledge is life, and therefore the White Walkers want to defeat the Three-Eyed Crow?

Leaf: Ugh. You’ve been watching too much TV, man. No. Look, can I tell my story or not?

Bran: *shrug* I guess. We’re not going anywhere. We’re just montaging here for months on end.

Later, Meera and Jojen go exploring the caves.

Meera: Technically, it’s called “spelunking.”

Fine. They go spelunking.

Bran: Awww! But I want to go too!

Three-Eyed Crow: But you can’t. You need to stay here and train more. Also you can’t walk so you literally can’t.

Bran: Hahaha, we’ll see about that!

Bran wargs into Hodor and follows Meera and Jojen. They turn around and look.

Meera: Do you think that’s just Hodor being dumb and curious by following us… or do you think that Bran has warged into him and is following us like a creeper?

Jojen: There is no way to tell for sure. Let’s ask him a question. Hey, Hodor! What’s four plus two!

Hodor/Bran: Uhhh… Hodor?

Meera: So does that clear things up for us or not?

Jojen: I… don’t… know.

So Hodor just continues to follow them. Hodor used to fight it when Bran entered him (heh), but now he just gives up. Bran can feel Hodor retreat into a corner of his own being, balled up and afraid while Bran takes over.

Bran/Hodor: No one must know I am doing this to Hodor. Because everyone can clearly tell that it’s a pretty messed up thing that I’m doing.

At the end of one cave, Bran/Hodor sees a bunch of other Children of the Forest, these guys are all tangled up in tree roots just like Brynden.

Bran/Hodor: Freaky, man! I mean, ermm, “Hodor.”

Bran feels that one day he’ll be just like them. Surrounded by tree. It freaks him out.  He tries to tell himself that being a greenseer is just as awesome as his childhood dream of becoming a knight. But it’s not. Who wants to be a tree?

Later, probably another couple of moon cycles after, Jojen gets even more depressed and mopey. Apparently he has seen his own death in his green dreams, and yet won’t do anything to prevent it.

Bran: Maybe I should warg into Hodor and hug Meera. No wait. That would literally be the creepiest thing I have ever done. And I am the king of creepy now.

Meera runs off before Bran can either creep on her, or say some encouraging words.

Another few months pass. More montages. More moons.

Three-Eyed Crow: Okay, it’s time!

Bran: Time for what?

Leaf: Here, eat this weirwood seed paste. It’s, like, magical and stuff.

Bran: How so?

Three-Eyed Crow: It will wed you to the trees.

Bran did want to be married to a tree… but who else would wed a broken boy like hi—

Bran: —Wait! Wait! Did the narrator just say Bran “did” want to be married to a tree?

Uhh… yes. It looks like I did.

Bran: But it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the sentence. That clearly meant to say Bran DIDN’T, yet it says DID. Jeez. ANOTHER blatant editing error in the book? Hell, was this thing even edited?

Three-Eyed Crow: Whatever, stop bitching. Eat this paste. It will help you see visions.

Bran: Why didn’t you just give this to me in the beginning? You spent months and months doing training for me in order to see visions. But apparently this whole time, all I had to do is eat the paste from these tree seeds and I’d get the powers?

Leaf: Indeed, honestly life is just as boring for us up here as it is for you. We figured we’d just stretch things out for a while for our own entertainment.

The Three-Eyed Crow shakes his head at Leaf, disapproving of the honestly.

Leaf: Uhh… ermm… I mean the powers were always in you, Bran! In your blood. This will just help you reveal them. Yeah.

Bran: *grumble* You still could have given it to me months ago.

Bran takes a taste of the paste. The first taste is gross.

Bran: Nasty, this tastes like Jojen’s tube socks.

Then he has another taste.

Bran: Hrmm, the second spoon is better. This one is sort of like grapefruit. You know, a little bitter… but passable.

The third spoonful is even better than the first two.

Bran: OMG… is this Cinnamon Toast Crunch? This tastes amazing!

He quickly swallows down the whole bowl.

Three-Eyed Crow: Now, slip from your body. Don’t be Brandon Stark. Go into the trees.

Bran closes his eyes and goes into the trees. But not just any tree. He opens his eyes, and he sees that he’s the trees in the godswood of Winterfell.

Bran/Tree: HOLY CRAP! Winterfell!  OH HELL! Is that MY DAD?!

Bran sees Ned Stark.

Bran/Tree: Dad! DAD!

Ned Stark hears something in the wind as he kneels in the godswood. But Bran freaks out and retreats back to the cave.

Bran: My dad, he’s still alive!

Leaf: No. He’s dead.

Three-Eyed Crow: For trees, time works different. They can see the past, the present and the future, all at once. You know, it's like the quantum realm in Avengers: Endgame and shit.

Bran: But he heard me! I called out for him and he looked up!

Three-Eyed Crow: Maybe he sensed something, but you can’t really communicate with him like that. Don’t worry in time you’ll be able to see far beyond the trees themselves. But for today, you’ve probably had enough of a lesson. You should go to bed.

Bran: Okay.

Bran goes to sleep. But instead of dreaming, he’s back in the godswood at Winterfell once more. He sees his father again, but this time he’s younger.

Bran/Tree: Dad! Dad! DAD!

His father appears to look up at him, but Bran realizes that his father is just looking at the rustling of leaves.

Ned: Now where was I? Oh right. *ahem* Let them grow up as close as brothers, with only love between them and let my lady wife forgive me.

Bran: Oh yeah! Is this more vision reading time? Okay, let me figure this vision out. Okay… okay… that’s my dad talking about people growing up “as close as brothers” meaning that they’re not actually brothers. This Jon Snow = not actually Robb’s brother because he’s a secret cousin. And dad won’t tell mom because the vow he made to aunt Lyanna. Okay. Next!

Bran sees a girl and a younger boy, play fighting with branches.

Bran: Aunt Lyanna and maybe my dad as even younger kids, I assume. It’s possible that it could be Uncle Benjen instead of my dad though.

A pregnant woman coming out of a black pool and praying for a son to avenge her.

Bran: This is harder. It seems we’re going further back in time at every vision though. So probabably my grandma or great grandma. I need more context to be sure though.

A slender girl, kissing a tall knight.

Bran: A young version of Old Nan, kissing Ser Duncan the Tall. He was the one who escorted Brynden Rivers, AKA Lord Bloodraven, AKA the Three-Eyed Crow, up to Castle Black to take the Black. Obviously must have stopped by Winterfell on the way. Guess I better read those damn Dunk & Egg prequel short stories.

A pale, dark-eyed youth cutting tree branches and shaping them into arrows.

Bran: No clue. Probably just some Stark from ages ago.

Bearded men and a white-haired woman committing a sacrifice by slitting a captive’s neck open with a sickle.

Bran: Well, Old Nan used to tell me that back in the day we northerners committed blood sacrifice. So this is probably be diving back really far into the past.  So it’s sort of like I… uhh… MmmMmmm… I can actually taste the blood from that guy’s neck now. Like, the blood is spilling onto the ground and into the tree roots and since I'm a tree now I can taste it. Crazy. But also delicious.

ADwD 33: Tyrion VIII

Tyrion is aboard the trading cog Selaesori Qhoran, which has now departed Volantis on its way to Qarth. Supposedly.

He watches Moqorro lead an evening prayer for the followers of the Lord of Light.
 
Tyrion: Wait, who is Moqorro? Is this yet another new character?

Yes, it is a red priest of R’hollor who works for High Priest Benerro.  Benerro has sent him along in order to give guidance to Queen Daenerys "I have a disability which makes me unable to hear bells" Targaryen.

Tyrion: This guy’s skin is black as pitch.

Sharkleberry Fin: WHOA! WHOA! WHOA! You can’t say stuff like that. Racist. It’s not FIN-TASTIC at all!

Tyrion: Oh god. Are you still around?

Moqorro: You talking about me?

Tryion: Uhh… no. Of course… not. I was just saying how I liked your tattoos.

Moqorro: *squints eyes*

Tyrion: So, see anything interesting in those flames of yours?

Moqorro: I see dragons. Both true and false. Bright and dark. And I also see you in the flames.

Tyrion: Yikes. Although you’re probably just trying to flatter me.

Moqorro: I'm flattering you by saying I'm seeing you burn to death?

Tyrion: Me... or Varys?

Moqorro: Huh?

Tyrion: Huh? Anyway,  how long before we arrive in Meereen?

Moqorro: Do I look like a red priest or the navigator of this ship? How the hell would I know?

Tyrion: Geez, sorry for asking.

Moqorro: You must be eager to see the world’s savior.

Tyrion: Jesus?

Moqorro: No. Daenerys.

Tyrion: Oh right. Yeah. Maybe she's the world's savior. I bet the Internet will be PISSED if she's not though.

Now is the time that Tyrion has a conversation where he learns the meaning of the name of the ship. But it’s unnecessary to go through with all that nonsense again, because I’ve already explained like twice that it means “Perfumed Seneschal.”

Tyrion: Good, I’m glad that’s done with. I’m going to go leave and hang out with Jorah again.

He heads back to his cabin, where Jorah is.

Jorah: Dude, I hate you. Go hang out with your pink shark friend.

Tyrion: Ugh. Really?

Jorah: It’s that or we write Penny and her stupid pig and dog back into the story.

Tyrion: OH PLEASE NO. THOSE CHARACTERS ARE THE WORST. SO STUPID! I’ll go hang out with Sharkleberry Fin! I swear!

And so Tyion does that.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC!

Tyrion: *groans*

For the next several days, Tyrion is super bored at sea. The only company he has is Sharkleberry Fin, which is pretty bad but also better than the horrible Penny plot which I’m leaving out.

Tyrion: Wow, removing this Penny stuff is making the chapter a lot faster-moving.

Sharkleberry Fin: FIN-TASTIC! It would go even faster if you stop mentioning her over and over again. We get the point.

Tyrion: Okay, okay.

The ship is rocked by a number of storms, which makes most people on the ship pretty sick. But they don’t phase Tyrion that much. In fact, he feels strangely exhilarated by them.

Sharkleberry Fin: You know Tyrion, now that the Kool-Aid man doesn’t hang out with me anymore, I sort of need a partner to ride on my back and tell all my puns to.

Tyrion: Oh no, I’m not playing any part of that. It’s bad enough growing up as a dwarf and have my entire life spent with people assuming I’m a jester there to entertain them and do flips and stuff for them.

Sharkleberry Fin: And yet previous chapters established that you actually willingly do all that flip stuff to entertain people.

Tyrion: Erm, I suppose.  Shut up. I don’t want to do a two-man show with you and listen to all your puns. Besides, you only have two of them. You replace words that sound sort of like “fin” with “fin,” and you have that “tastes so hip, you’ll wanna flip” thing.

Sharkleberry Fin: No way, dude. I’m working on new material. It’s gonna be a real SPLASH.

Tyrion: *groans* Okay, like hat?

Sharkleberry Fin: So check this one out! Did you hear about the shark who went to court? They found him GILL-ty!

Tyrion: I think I might throw myself overboard now.

Sharkleberry Fin: Oh come on now, that joke was… JAWSOME!

Tyrion begins to lift himself over the side of the boat so he can drown when he sees Moqorro.

Tyrion: Oh thank the seven gods, someone else to talk to!

He runs over to Moqorro.

Moqorro: Why would you thank the seven gods that you get to talk with me? I don’t even worship those gods.

Tyrion: Whatever. So let’s talk about anything.  Like… uhh… where the hell are we?

Moqorro: Very close to the coast of Valyria. They say that anyone who lays eyes on its shores are doomed.

Tyrion: Yeah, my uncle Gerion set out for Valyria years ago and hasn’t been seen since. You’d think the captain would be going a different route.

Moqorro: The captain isn’t a fan of the route we’re going either. But this is the shortest way to Dany and I commanded him to come this way. Others are seeking her as well. I have seen them in my flames and we must beat them to her.

Tyrion: Oh really. Like who?

Tyrion wonders if Young Griff / Faegon is still coming this way, or if he has heeded his advice to go straight for Dorne.

Moqorro: I see only there shadows, so I cannot be sure. But one is a monster with one black eye and ten long arms… sailing on a sea of blood!

Tyrion: Sounds pretty menacing.

Moqorro: Thanks, that’s what I was going for.

Tyrion: But I’m pretty sure you’re just talking about Victarion Greyjoy.

Moqorro: I am. Anyway, we’re probably just a chapter away from most of us drowning now.

Tyrion: Huh?

ADwD 32: Reek (Theon) III

Reek is in the keep of House Stout in Barrowton when Lord Ramsay Bolton’s “Frey search party” returns.  As soon as Reek sees Ramsay, he knows that his mood is sour and that his hunt has been unsuccessful. That’s obviously not a good thing, since Ramsay is a psychopath.

Reek: Well, he’ll probably cut off some more of my fingers now in punishment for no reason.

Instead, Ramsay throws a rotting head at Reek. He then heads off.

Reek: New head. Who dis?

Big Walder: That’s some goat herder that we ran into along the way. Ramsay killed him for calling him “Lord Snow.” You know, instead of his new name, “Lord Bolton.”

Reek: S-so… your cousins, the other Freys. Lord Bolton did not find them?

Big Walder: Nah, not that I expected that we ever wood. I bet that fat, pie-eating bastard had them killed.

Reek: Wait… so just to catch the readers up, because these books love starting In Media Res… I just want to clarify what you’re saying. You’re saying that three of your Frey cousins have gone missing… those being Rhaegar, Symond and Jared Frey… the three that were with Lord Wyman Manderly in White Harbor. Now they have gone missing and you suspect Lord Manderly had something to do with it?

Big Walder: That is correct.

Later, Ramsay is throwing a feast in the hall of House Stout. Reek is chained up to a wall and is occasionally thrown some food that is thrown in the direction of him and Ramsay’s dogs. The door opens suddenly.

In walks Ramsay’s father, Lord Roose Bolton. Everyone gets quiet.

Roose: Leave us.

Everyone gets the hell out of there, pronto. Because everyone is creeped out by this guy.

Reek: Well, I’ll just be leaving too then and… oh no! Damnit. Chained to the wall. I can’t.

Roose: I take it that you did not find our missing Freys?

Ramsay: Nah, but who gives a shit about a few missing Freys anyway? There are so many of them.

Roose: Lord Manderly is most distraught that they have gone missing. He says he blames himself.

Reek sees a twitch in Ramsay’s eyes.

Ramsay: Those fools should have stayed with Lord Eel Pie’s party then, rather than riding ahead.

Roose: You know how fat and slow Wyman Manderly is. He can only travel a few miles a day, and stops for meals about 26 times. The Freys were anxious to ride on ahead. Then they mysteriously vanished.

Ramsay: DO YOU ACTUALLY BELIEVE THAT BULLSHIT STORY THAT MANDERLY IS FEEDING US?

Roose: What gave you the impression that I did believe it? Still, his Lordship remains… most "distraught."

Ramsay: Not so distraught that he’s lost his appetite over it and plans to skip a meal. AMIRIGHT?

Roose looks at his son with cold, dead eyes.

Roose: Manderly has a monstrous appetite. Obviously you have noticed this.

Ramsay: What I’ve noticed is that he has brought nobody that we can use as a hostage along with him. Obviously on purpose. That fast, feast-throwing asshole is really trying to screw us.

Roose: Speaking of feast-throwing, I see you’re doing the same. What is all this?

Ramsay: It’s nothing, really. A small affair in House Stout. Really, you should be throwing me a GREAT FEAST celebrating my return in Barrow Hall.

Roose: I do not run Barrowton, Ramsay. The Dustins do. And Lady Dustin can’t stand you. Which makes sense because you’re a monster. What with you killing your older brother and my only legitimate son, a boy who she helped raise. But Lady Dustin also blames Ned Stark for her husband’s death, which makes her our ally. For now. An asshole like you can easily make us outstay our welcome… and we need their support.

Rasmsay: NEED their support? No way! You get their support by FEAR! If she disrespects us, we burn her entire town down and murder everyone, just like I did to Winterfell. We should skin that bitch Lady Dustin alive and use her as boots.

Roose: Wow, sometimes you’re such a sadistic moron that I doubt you came from my own seed. And you speak falsely. Remember, it was Theon Turncloak who burned down Winterfell and killed everyone. Remember?

Ramsay: Oh right. “Theon did it.”

He turns and gives a knowing glare to Reek, who looks away and pretends like he wasn’t listening.

Roose: You need to me more disreet with your “amusements,” son. People are talking. It’s not good. Oh, and also human skin makes pretty terrible leather, so those boots you’re talking about would be pretty flimsy. Trust me, I know. I’ve tried wearing human skin leather. It tears so easily.

Ramsay: Whatever, enough talk about this dumb place. We need to talk about Stannis! We need to march on Deepwood Motte now and face him! He totally didn’t take the bait and head for the Dreadfort like the Karstarks set him up to go to, because they are totally double-crossing him and pretending like they’re on his side when they are really on ours.

Roose: Not until you are married to “Arya Stark,” my son. And that shall not happen here. I have a better idea. The best place for you to marry Arya Stark, and secure the North… is in WINTERFELL.

Ramsay: Say what now? I burned down that… uhh… I mean THEON burned down that place. It’s a lousy mess of smoldering stones.

Roose: It must be rebuilt. It’s symbolic value is too high. As is its strategic battle for the fight against Stannis. If we are fortified in Winterfell, we will be well-defended. And Stannis should know that there is no way he can win the north without winning Winterfell. That will mean Stannis will have to come to us, not the other way around. Additionally, when Stannis marches on Winterfell, he will bring the forces of Arnolf Karstark with him. It is there that they will turn on him and join our side in the middle of the battle.

Ramsay: Ugh. Whatever.

Roose: Also, I’m taking your little… thing… with me.

He points at Reek.

Reek: W-what? M-me? No! Please! I’m just here in the background to hear everything you discuss but not to interact! I’m just here as a convienient POV character in the background to push the plot forward! P-please! Just l-leave me be!

Roose: For my plans, I will need the former Prince of Winterfell, if you have not already ruined him beyond having any use.

Ramsay: Grrr. Yes father, you may have him.

Ramsay goes over begridingly to Reek and unchains him. But he also whispers in his ear.

Ramsay: Oh, you are SO DEAD for this. I’m going to torture you so much.

Reek: P-please, n-no! I didn’t ask for this.

Ramsay: Be my spy. Tell me everything that my father has to say to you. I want to know it all. But say nothing about how I have treated you so far.

Reek: I mean he can see that I’m missing all sorts of fingers, am covered in filth, and am chained to wall along with some dogs. So, you know, I think he knows.

The two then ride through the city to Barrow Hall, where Roose engages in the closest thing to “pleasant small talk” that he knows how to.

Roose: My son is a predictable moron, so don’t act like I don’t know what he asked of you. He told you to spy on me and report back everything I said.

Reek: N-no, my lord. I just… he… uhh…

Roose: Oh come on, I remember the REAL Reek and you’re not him. That dude had major B.O. problems. They were natural. He would bathe and bathe and bathe and still stink. You’re only like this because Ramsay doesn’t let you bathe. You need to clean yourself up and act like the high lord you are.

Reek: N-no, my lord. I’m just Reek. It rhymes with “on Fleek.”

Roose: First of all, never say “on Fleek” again. Second, you said “my lord,” instead of “m’lord.” An easy way to tell that you’re not a filthy peasant. You give your true identity away.

Reek: Y-yes my lo… uhh… m’lord.

Roose: I gave the original Reek to Ramsay sort of as a cruel joke, but the two became inseperable. I’m still not sure which one corrupted the other. You know, Ramsay only exists because I raped his mother under the corpse of the woman’s hanged husband. I had trueborn children as well… my son Domeric. But Ramsay murdered him.  I suppose I’ll have other children too with my new wife. Although I expect Ramsay to murder them too. Whatever, I’ll be an old dad so it’s not like I was going to live long enough to see them grow up anyway.

Reek: Yikes, now I see why he grew up to be such a sadistic fuck.

Roose: Anyway, I need you to wash up and wear clothes again instead of rags. I need you to be Theon Greyjoy one more time.

Finally, they reach Barrow Hall, and meet with Lady Dustin.

Lady Dustin: Who is this frail old man with loose skin and white hair that you’re bringing to be?

Roose: Hahah… frail old man? This is, like, Theon Greyjoy. Rightful heir to the Iron Isles. He’s 22 years old or somethig like that.

Lady Dustin squints and looks at him closely.

Lady Dustin: Holy crap, that IS Theon Greyjoy. What did your bastard do to him?

Roose: Eh, he removed some parts. Nothing essential.

Reek gets down on his knees.

Reek: Please, m’lord! M’lady! No! T-there has been some terrible mistake! I’m not him! I’m not the turncloak! He died at Winterfell.

Lady Dustin: Died at Winterfell? You mean when the Night King killed him defending Bran?

Roose: Can we please stop making TV show jokes? It's getting pretty tiresome.

Reek: I'm not the turncloack! My name is Reek! It rhymes with “boutique.”

Roose: Boutique? Well, I guess it’s better than the last one he said.

Lady Dustin: James Vanderbeek?

Roose: I would have killed him if he said that. I’m team Pacey.

Lady Dustin: Hell yeah, Team Pacey all the way.

They fist bump on Pacey.

ADwD 31: Melisandre

Melisandre stares into the flames and prays to R’hllor looking for visions of Stannis. But instead of Stannis she sees eyeless faces weeping blood.

Mel: Those are probably the guys I warned Jon Snow about in his last POV chapter. The three men I told him would come back dead without eyes. Or, possibly the Weirwood trees that Jon Snow previously saw carved into trees that he tried to hide from me. There were three of them, and weirwood tree sap appears to look like blood quite often.

She sees towers crumbling into the sea as a dark wave comes by.

Mel: Maybe Eastwatch falling? Or being attacked. I’m basing that more on the TV show than anything else. It is the tower right by the sea, so it’s not a huge stretch.

She sees shadows shaped like skulls, skulls turning to mist, bodies locked together in lust, writhing around.

Mel: Uhh… At first I figured it was just generically about the armies of the dead. Maybe it still is. But that “locked together in lust” thing is confusing me.

She sees great winged shadows against a hard blue sky.

Mel: I’m going to guess Dany’s dragons. But that’s not what I want to see. I want to see that girl, Arya Stark! Jon Snow will want me to find her. I want him to like me SOOOO BAD. He’s so cute and I want to save his sister so that maybe we can have the hot sex.

She looks for Arya, but as she gets a glimpse, her vision vanishes into ash. Instead she sees a wooden face, corpse white. A thousand red eyes.

Mel: White faces makes me think White Walkers / Others, obviously. But the “wooden” and “red eyes” part makes me think about faces on weirwood trees again. I dunno.

She sees a boy with a wolf’s face howl.

Mel: Bran or Jon or possibly even Robb. Basically, they can all warg. Or could, in the case of Robb.

Next, instead of seeing into the future, Mel remembers her past. Blood flows down her legs and—

Mel: —What? Really?! Is it really necessary to mention that I’m on my period in this chapter? Gross and unnecessary narration there!

Sorry.
 
Mel: Don’t let it happen again, that’s super embarrassing.

Anyway, back to the flashback. Mel is in the past.

Slave Trader: Lot Number Seven! SOLD!

Woman: Melony! Melony! Noooo!!!!!

Baby Mel: MOMMY!

Mel: So are you sympathizing with me yet, everyone? Oh yeah, everyone hates Mel. She’s that evil red witch that burns people to death. But now you all know that I was a small girl named Melony that was stolen from my mother and sold into SLAVERY to the red priests. I hope you feel bad for me now.

She goes back to looking into the flames for more things. More skulls and grey skies and cliffs and fires burning out one by one. Stuff like that.

Mel: I’m just going to generically say that’s all about “death,” the enemy.

The flames crackle slowly. Mel hears them trying to tell her something. They say:

Flames: *whispering* Jon Snow.

She sees a his face. But then the face turns into a wolf. Then back to a man again.

Mel: Jon Snow warging into Ghost when he’s killed, only to go back into his body again. That vision is easy. Probably. Too much set up with the Varamyr prologue chapter for this to not be the case. But that’s not what I wanted to see! I wanted to see Azor Ahai! I pray to R’hllor again and again for a glimpse of Azor Ahai… but R’hllor only shows me Snow!

…

Mel: What? What?

…

Mel: What? Why has the narrator gone all silent on me?

Could you repeat that last line?

Mel: Huh? You mean “I pray for a glimpse of Azor Ahai, but R’hllor only shows me Snow?”

Yep, that’s the one.

Mel: What about it?

…

Mel: Oh. OH. OH. OHHHHHHHH. SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!  Jesus, this is super obvious, isn’t it?

Jesus?

Mel: I mean, uhhh, “R’hllor.”  Crap, I need a drink. Devon!

Davos’s son, Devon, comes up.

Devon: Yes, m’lady?

Mel: A drink of water please.

Devon fetches her some water and she drinks it quickly. She looks at him and sees him looking back at her.

Mel: He wants me.  Now go fetch me Rattleshirt, will you?

Devon goes to do that.

As Devon is gone getting “Rattleshirt,” she looks over all of her potions and powders and magic shit.

Mel: Hrm. My supplies are running low. But I just got to remind myself… I’m the one with the power. It’s not the potions. It’s me. And my powers are stronger here by the Wall. The Wall is magic, and it makes me stronger. All those potions? They’re basically cheap tricks.

Robin Zander: I waaaaaant you to want me. I neeed you to neee—

Mel: No. Stop.

Devon comes back… with Rattleshirt, who is not wearing his trademark Suit-o-Bones.

Mel: Whattup with the outfit? I wanna see DEM BONES, yo!

Rattleshirt: Why? All those bones going clickity-clack together was driving me insane.

Mel: The bones protect you, it is part of the spell that makes people see what they are SUPPOSED to see. If that fails… they will see who you really are. And they will kill you.

Rattleshirt: Fine. Whatever.

Mel: Hey, I want to tell you about some really messed up visions that I had. Something about three dead guys coming back without eyes.

Rattleshirt: Hahahaha, oh yeah. That’s “the Weeper’s” signature. He cuts out people’s eyeballs. He’s one of us Free Folk. Sorry if we haven’t mentioned him in the past that much, it’s just that he’s a pretty useless and unimportant character. Although if the Weeper is in charge of the Free Folk now… that’s a bad thing. I was thinking that maybe they would follow Tormund.

Mel: Yeah, yeah, whatever. I don’t give a shit. Now let’s talk about Jon Snow’s little sister. I need to save her in order to gain the Lord Commander’s trust so that maybe we can go out on a date.

Rattleshirt: Eww.

Horn: *BLOWS*

Mel: Oh hell… a horn blowing! That’s announcing the return of Rangers.

Mel leaves the room and goes down to the Wall. There she finds Jon Snow examining the EYELESS FACES of three rangers who have been skewered and planted in the ground.

Jon: Ah, shit. Well take their bodies and burn them before they turn into Wights.

He turns around and sees Mel.

Jon: I guess we need to talk.

Mel: WE DO!

She smiles and pulls out the sex lube. Jon knocks it out of her hands.

Jon: I SAID “TALK.” Not that.

They walk and talk together.

Jon: Well, I can’t say that I didn’t see this coming. You told me. You said I would send out nine Rangers, and three would come back dead.  So what of the six other Rangers?

Mel: I promise to look for them in my flames.

Jon: I hear reports of Wildlings assembling opposite of the Shadow Tower.

Mel: Speaking of towers, I had a vision of towers submerged in waves and darkness.

Jon: Hrm. So we’re playing the cryptic prophecy game, huh? Well, maybe you’re seeing Eastwatch, because it’s by the ocean.

Mel: Yeah, I guess. I mean. Maybe. Sure. That’s what I thought about first, because… you know… the TV show, that’s where the Others break through. But now, I dunno. I’m not so sure anymore.  ANYWAY, you should probably come back to my bedroo—uhh, I mean “room” to talk further.

Jon: NO MEL! I don’t want to sleep with you.

Mel: It’s not that, I swear! I have something waiting for you back in the room. A surprise.

Jon: that sounds sexual again.

Mel: It’s not, I promise.

They go back to Mel’s room. Rattleshirt is there.

Jon: Rattleshirt. REALLY?! Now I wish it was just sex with you.

Mel: Really? Okay, get the hell out of here Rattleshirt.

Rattleshirt: WHAT? But I waited for you here the entire time. Plus weren’t you about to send me out on a mission to save Jon’s sister?

Jon: WHAT?! NO! Rattleshirt is the worst. He’s a murderer. He’d probably rape and kill Arya before he saved her. We can’t trust him at all.

Mel: You think so? Well what about Mance Rayder. What would he do?

Jon: It doesn’t matter what Mance would do, because you burned him to dea—

Mel does some flashy hand movements, and Rattleshirt transforms into Mance.

Jon: WHAT THE…

Mel: It’s called a “Glamor.” It’s a magical spell to make Mance look like Rattleshirt.

Jon: So you burned…

Mance: Yes, it was Rattleshirt that they burned.

Jon: Well, that explains why when we put Mance to the flames, he kept screaming that they had the wrong person.

Mance: Correct.

Jon: It also explains why Rattleshirt was a lot less of a dick than he used to be, and also started to get all musical and playing all those songs that Mance used to play.

Mel: That’s also true. Quite observant of you.

Jon: It also explains the one time Rattleshirt got drunk, threw all of his bones off and ran around Castle Black screaming naked, “HEY EVERYONE, I’M MANCE REALLY ! YEP, I’M MANCE AND MELISANDRE PUT A THING CALLED A ‘GLAMOR’ ON ME TO LOOK LIKE RATTLESHIRT, BUT I’M NOT.”

Mel: WHAT?! Did you do that, Mance?

Mance: Just the once. But like Jon said, I was drunk. Nobody believed it.

Jon: Then after that, Rattleshirt screamed, “I KNOW YOU MIGHT NOT BELIEVE ME BECAUSE I’M DRUNK, BUT REST ASSURED IF YOU PUT TOGETHER ALL THE CLUES, YOU WILL SEE THAT I AM CLEARLY MANCE.”

Mel angrily glares as Mance.

Mance: What? WHAT?! Everybody makes mistakes.

Mel: *ahem* Anyway Jon Snow, Mance owes his life to you. He will not betray you. I told you that the Lord of Light would answer your prayers to save your little sister. Here is Arya’s deliverance… a gift from the Lord of Light… and from me.

Jon: *sigh* Okay. Thanks?

Mel: Words are wind. You could TELL me that you’re thankful, or you should SHOW ME that you’re thankful.

Jon: …

Mel: I’m talking about cunnilingus.

Jon: You know what? I’d honestly do it now because technically I don’t think that breaks my vow since there is no way I can “father a child” with you… except earlier in the chapter the narrator clearly established that you were on your period.

Mel: DAMNIT, NARRATOR! YOU COCK-BLOCKED ME!!!!!!

Mance: You know, beyond the wall we say that a real man loves his woman every day of the month.

Jon: Wow, you Wildlings are super freaky deaky.

ADwD 30: Daenerys V

Queen Dany is furious about the huge blockade of ships which surrounds the bay outside. Her admiral gives her an update.

Admiral Groleo: Queen, I beg you! You should use your dragons on the blockade out there. It’s the only way we can stop it.

Dany: Use my dragons? To attack ships at sea? No! What if the fleet has a big ass crossbow and they shoot Rhaegal?

Groleo: *blinks*

Dany: Anyway, attacking the blocade would be useful and logical, so I will refuse to do it for "reasons." If we’re trapped her and blockaded… then so be it. Barristan, how much supplies do we have to last?

Barristan Selmy: Our stores are plentiful. For now.

Next up is Skahaz.

Skahaz: My spies report that Hizdahr zo Loraq has visited eleven of the pyramids of the families, and of course you know there have been no murders for twenty-six days.

Dany: This is obviously good news. Hizdahr met with the old families of Meereen and the murders have stopped. He must have convinced the Sons of the Harpy to put down their arms.

Skahaz: Convinced them? Perhaps TOO WELL. If you ask me, he is probably their ringleader. He is the Harpy! He has asked that these murders temporarily stop until he gets to marry you. Then he will become King of Meereen and he will do as he pleases.

Dany: Oh, you really think that the Sons of the Harpy are actually an organized group led by a single person who is the actual Harpy? I figured they were more of a disorganized, grass roots movement kind of a deal. Like al-Qaeda. Only idiots thought that killing Bin Laden would destroy al-Qaeda, since it’s less of an organization run by someone and more of an “idea.” A movement.

Skahaz: Uhhh. Whatever.

Dany: Go on, Skahaz. Do you have anything else to tell me?

Skahaz: YES! I have an idea! We know what ships are blockading us. We can see them clearly. And we know that several of the ships are owned by the family members of the families in this city. I say we take those family members hostage and order the blockading ships to leave… or else we kill their family members!

Dany: No! I will not do that either. Sending my soldiers to the pyramids to take those families hostage would lead to open war in the city. We have had peace and no murders for nearly a month. I will not take any action that will start the killings again.

Skahaz: *sigh* You never listen to any of my great “murder people” advice.

He leaves. Next up is Grey Worm, who comes along with the “Green Grace” Galazza Galare and three “Blue Graces,” a group of healers.

Grey Worm: Yo Dany, whattup? You seen Missandei? I had a terrible dream that she was beheaded.

Missandei: No. I'm here.

Grey Worm: Oh, good. Anyway, uhh… I have some bad news for you from these healer ladies. This messenger came riding in from Astapor, telling us that the city was on fire.  But when he showed up he was sick as hell. He had an arrow wound in him, so we figured that he had some infection from the wound. But the Graces here now think it was something else… a “bloody flux.”

Dany: You mean like diarrhea?

Grey Worm: Well yeah, but if you say “dysentery” it sounds better. The messenger is dead now.

The Green Grace: This is bad, Queen! BAD! A harbinger of ruin!

Dany: I mean yeah, I guess it’s sad that he died, but it’s not like he brought an unstoppable plague that will kill us all.

Grey Worm: Errrm… about that…

Dany: Huh?

Green Grace: FOR THE MESSENGER RODE IN ON A PALE HORSE!

Dany: What does that mean?

Green Grace: When the Lamb broke the fourth seal, I heard the voice of the fourth living creature saying, “Come.” I looked, and behold, a pale horse, and he who sat upon it had the name Death.

Dany: Revelations 6? Wait… what religion do you all follow in Meereen anyway?  If only Quaith had warned me about thi----ohhhhhh wait, she did. Damn it! SOMEONE… send for all my armies to retreat back to the city and return to me. I don’t want them dying of this unstoppable plague that’s out there now. ESPECIALLY DAARIO.

But now that the prophecy of this plague by Quaithe has come true… Dany wonders about that OTHER prophecy. The one about being betrayed three times. Will Daario betray her?

The first to return is Brown Ben Plumm. But that’s 8 days later.

Brown Ben: Hi! It’s me. Good ol' trustworthy Brown Ben!

Dany: Odd that you’d phrase your introduction like that.

Brown Ben: Queen, I have some refugees from Astapor here with me. They have some stuff to tell you.

The refugees tell her some horror stories from Astapor. And the city… just whoa… it was rough. Disease, starvation, rioting, armies outside their walls. And who are the refugees blaming? Her, of course. For not coming to save them.

Dany: Screw all of you guys. If I marched for Astapor to save it, I would have lost Meereen.

Brown Ben: There are more refugees on their way, many of them sick with the plague.  They should be barred from the city, lest they bring their sickness in here and kill us all.

Reznak: I totally agree. And in addition to that, you should marry Hizdahr at once!

Dany: Hrm. Should I listen to you. The Pale Horse prophecy thing came true. Are you the perfumed seneschal I should worry about?

Reznak: I say use dragons.

Brown Ben: Yeah! DRAGONS!

Dany: NO, DAMNIT! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL PEOPLE THAT I’M NOT JUST GOING TO WANTONLY START BURNING PEOPLE ALIVE WITH MY DRAGONS!

Reznak: It would be so cool though. I mean just imagine it. Like burning up the Lannister army with your dragon. It would, like, probably be the best episode of Season 7.

Dany: I SAID NO!!!!

Brown Ben: Ugh, if you refuse to use your dragons, then they should just sell Meereen back to Yunkai and leave for your Seven Kingdoms. What’s the point?

Barristan: I say we take on the invading forces on the field. Letting them siege us would be dumb.

Skahaz: No! I say we stay behind the walls. Why die out there when we are safe inside of these walls.

Dany: Ugh. Brown Ben, I need you to go out again and scout our enemies. Determine their numbers. That will allow me to get a better idea of how we should proceed.

Brown Ben: Of course. And maybe you should send out me, extremely trustworthy and loyal Brown Benn Plumm, out with a huge ton of gold. You know, so I can bribe our enemies and recruit them to our side. You know, because they’re a bunch of sellswords like you who will easily flip sides.

Dany: Yes, yes. That’s a really good idea. I’ll send you out with a huge stockpile of gold after you just acknowledged that you’re a sellsword who flips sides. So let it be done!

Thus Brown Ben leaves with a lot of Meereen’s savings. Which is a super smart strategy.

Dany: And of these refugees from Astapor… I say we let them in.

Barristan: No! They have the plague, my queen. We must not. I have seen the bloody flux take down entire armies. Shitting blood until they die. It’s terrible.

Dany: *sigh* Can we at least let them set up camp outside of the city walls? Then we could go out occasionally to provide them food and stuff.

Barristan: Sure. I guess so. But remember what I said before about our stock? That was to feed the people here. Not to feed scores of refugees outside of our city walls, fleeing from war.

Dany: Barristan, can I speak with you in private?

Barristan: Sure.

They head off to a side room.

Dany: Seriously though, what do you think our chances are?

Barristan: We have 99 problems, Dany. I’m not going to name them all, but just to start… we have too many enemies WITHIN the city to withstand a siege. Hence why I wanted to take our battle to the outside.

Dany: But if my Unsullied and other knights in training are outside of the city… only Skahaz’s Brazen Beasts will remain to hold Meereen. I cannot fight two enemies – the enemy outside and the enemy within. I need some way to get out of this… I need… I need… shit… I need Hizdahr zo Loraq.

Barristan: Wait... so you're willing to engage in a marriage pact with someone you don't love which involves the two of you co-ruling, in order to find peace?

Dany: Of course. I'm not an idiot.

Barristan: Then why aren't you willing to co-rule with Jon Snow, a man you actually love, in season 8? 

Game of Throne Writers: *shrug* Whatever, we don't even care anymore.We're basically just a parody show now that references past good seasons. HEY! Let's work in a scene where Bran AGAIN quotes a much more famous quote from an earlier season.

ADwD 29: Davos IV

Davos is imprisoned by Lord Manderly, but he has found his imprisonment somewhat… interesting.
 
Butler: Ah, Lord Hand Seaworth. A pleasant evening to you! For tonight’s dinner options, we will have a filet mignon, served in a butter-herb sauce, sided with a plate of blanched wild vegetables. However, if you would prefer the fish option, I have a whole tilapia that’s cooked in a quite delicious and spicy tamarind chile sauce, along with marinated onions and peppers cooked in the same sauce and served with brown rice. For drinks we have all the standard beers, wines and liquors. If you’d like to do a fancy cocktail, I’d have to check on what mixing ingredients we have because, alas, these are tough days in the north and our supplies are dwindling. We ran out of grenadine some time ago.

Davos: Uhh… excuse me… what the hell is this? I thought I am supposed to be imprisoned.

Butler: Yes. This is a prison.

Davos: Why do my towels all say “Four Seasons White Harbor” on them? And why is my room a master suite that overlooks the bay?

Butler: Oh, it’s because we’re imprisoning you in the Four Seasons.

Davos: This is very confusing.

There is a knock at the door. The butler answers it.

Robett Glover: Oh, hi there!

Davos: WOW! It’s Robett Glover, as played by Tim McInnery on the TV show! Dude, I loved you in Black Adder.

Robett: Yes, yes, yes. Everybody loved me in Black Adder. Can we get on with it?

Davos: What are you doing here?

Robett: Oh, I’m here to tell you what your King, Stannis, has been doing while you’ve been away on your mission. He’s made his invasion south from the wall to begin liberating the people from the tyanny of the Iron Isles. My own house’s ancestral home, Deepwood Motte, has just been liberated away from that Iron Bitch Asha Greyjoy by King Stannis. He’s pretty much a hero in the North now.  Oh, and also the plan is to eventually march on Winterfell. Word from Winterfell is that Ramsay Bolton, the son of Lord Bolton, plays to marry Arya Stark.

Davos: Well, this is all great stuff to hear. Awesome, in fact. I guess I won’t be alive for any of it though, what with Lord Manderly about to execute me. I’m surprised he even let you come here to tell me all of that.

Robett: Oh, he’s letting me do that and much more. Come with me!

Robett gets up and leaves the room.

Davos: I’m… confused. So, so confused.

Davos looks at the butler, who just shrugs and waves him to go out the door.

They head through the hallways of the Four Seasons White Harbor and go into a secret passage. At the end of the secret passage is…

Lord Wyman Manderly: HEY! It’s ME!!!!!

Davos: DAFUQ?

Manderly: Ser Davos, I apologize for the harsh way I treated you.

Davos: I mean it wasn’t that harsh. I was in a Four Seasons.

Manderly: Still, it’s no Ritz Carlton.

Davos: I’m used to smuggling onions and sleeping in ships and caves. This is all luxury to me.

Manderly: I mean I apologize for the way I treated you in front of the Freys. It was all a show to convince them that I was loyal. My son Wylis has finally been returned, and we are throwing a huge, celebratory feast for his return. There is all sorts of Eel Pie being served up there. Mmm mmm, so much eel pie. I told everyone that I had to take a huuuuuuuge dump and excused myself from all the festivities and eel pie. Which isn't a total lie, because I do have to take one, and I can tell it's going to be a giant steamer. Anyway, this is my only chance to sneak out and see you before you go.

Davos: Huh? Go? Go where? You’re not going to kill me?

Manderly: Kill you? My dear Ser Davos, you died ages ago. If you look at the tower over the gates of White Harbor, you can see  the head of a man who does not look too dissimilar to you on a pike, as well as a set of hands… one of which is cut off at the knuckles.  As far as the Freys know… Davos Seaworth was executed like a day of two after they last saw you. And they have surely also told their Lannister masters.

Davos: Who did you kill in my place?

Manderly: Eh, some prisoner. You need not worry about him too much.

Davos: What was he in for?

Manderly: Jaywalking. That’s not the point. The point is that I dare not defy Kings Landing while my son was the captive of the Freys. But now that I have him back, my plans can move forward.

Davos: And what are your plans?

Manderly: My plans are for JUSTICE. Justice against the Freys. Justice for the murder of my other son. Justice for the Red Wedding. Tell me, Davos. Can your King Stannis give me that justice?

Davos: He can, Lord Manderly. My King means to liberate the north from all these traitors – be it the Ironborn from the Isles, or the Freys, Boltons and Lannisters who murdered your son.

Robett: Stannis is not the King of the North though.

Davos: Aye, but the King of the North was Robb Stark, and he is dead.

Manderly: True, but Robb Stark was not the ONLY son of Lord Eddard Stark. Behold!

A boy comes out. A boy who is clearly not a Stark.

Davos: Uh, that’s not a Stark at all.

Manderly: No, he’s not. His name is Wex, and he’s an ironborn mute. But more importantly, he used to be Theon Greyjoy’s squire. He told me that—

Davos: --Wait, how did he tell you if he’s a mute?

Manderly: Shut up, smartass. He signed to me, which is a FORM OF TELLING, that he was at Winterfell when it was sacked and destroyed. He escaped by hiding up a weirwood tree in the godswood. He knows many things. For one, he knows that Theon Greyjoy is not dead. Instead, he is Ramsay Bolton’s captive. It was not Theon who sacked and destroyed Winterfell as everyone assumes – it was Ramsay! He is a cruel monster. They say he hunts humans for sport. They say he married Lady Hornwood to claim her house and then tortured and starved her. They made her eat her own fingers off for food. Anyway, he’s a pretty terrible human.

Davos: Yeah, he sounds like he’s the worst.

Manderly: The Freys are no better. Both Frey and Boltons are monsters, and yet I must still play along and pretend to be obedient to them. I have been summoned to go to Winterfell to attend the wedding of Ramsay and Arya Stark. I am supposed to bring the Freys with me here along with me. Despite that… I am willing to pledge all my assets to STANNIS on ONE CONDITION.

Davos: What condition is that? Tell me!

Manderly: Well, remember how I told you that this Wex boy survived by hiding in the godswood? Well, he saw something in the godswood when he was there. Six people and two wolves leaving – three boys, two girls, a giant and two direwolves. The boys could only have been Brandon and Rickon Stark – the two younger brothers of King Robb. Wex sexretly followed one of them. Find him for me, Davos. Find this Stark boy and bring him and his direwolf back, and you have my pledge that I will be for Stannis!

Davos: Why do you need me? I’m an old captain and smuggler. Can’t you find someone else to track the boy?

Manderly: I need you because the boy went to… well… show him, Wex.

Wex pulls out a dagger and thows it at a map on the wall. It lands in the middle of the Shivering Sea.

Manderly: Okay, okay. Bad throw, Wex. I’ll give you a do-over. The boy is obviously not in the middle of the Shivering Sea. Try again.

Wex nods, pulls the dagger out, and throws the dagger once more. This time it lands at Hardhome.

Everyone gasps.

Manderly: No, no. That’s not right either. Better and closer though, Wex. But not right. Here. I’ll just do it.

Manderly takes the dagger out and just puts it on top of Skagos.

Everyone gasps again.

Davos: Well, Skagos isn’t that bad. It’s the land of unicorns.

Manderly: Yeah, unicorns AND CANNIBALS.

Davos: Shut up about the cannibal part. I damn well know that, but I’m trying to ignore it and just think about the unicorn part. I'm trying to psyche myself up that I’m not going to have my flesh eaten by cannibals.

Manderly: Well speaking of eating, time to get back to that eel pie! MmmmMmm. Eel pie. I snuck you down a piece of it to try, Davos. But I ate it before you showed up.

Davos: That’s okay, my appetite is totally gone with this cannibal talk. Still though. Unicorns!

Davos pulls out a picture and caresses it.