ADwD 38: The Watcher (Areo Hotah)

Areo Hotah (yeah… that’s right… we’re back in freakin’ Dorne again) watches as Ser Balon Swann of the Kingsguard arrives Sunspear.

Balon: Hey guys, I brought you this gift.

He puts a box on the table. It’s a big box and everyone looks at it. Areo, Prince Doran, Princess Arianne, and Oberyn’s mistress/widow – Ellaria Sand. Also there are the Sand Snakes – Nymeria, Obara and Tyene.  Aero isn’t quite sure why Prince Doran let them out at all. Aero doesn’t trust them. All they want to do is rebel and declare war on the Lannisters.

Doran: Go on, open it.

Balon opens the box. It is a giant skull.

Balon: The skull of Gregor “the Mountain” Clegane.

Tyene: Did he suffer?

Balon: Dark question. But yes. And you don’t have to take my word for it. You can pretty much ask anyone in the Red Keep and they’ll tell you stories about Gregor slowly dying, his screams echoing through the hallways for weeks.

Doran: Excellent. Prince Tommen has delivered on his promise for the head of the man who killed my dear sister Elia, all those years ago. A propose a toast! To King Tommen!

He holds up a glass and toasts. A number of other people join him.  Areo notices that exactly ZERO of the Sand Snakes joined in on the toast.

Doran: Now let the feast begin!

Thus begins a feast to honor the arrival of Balon Swann. Throughout the feast, the Mountain’s skull remains sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the hall.

It’s not the first feast that Balon has been treated to, as he suffered through dozens of them, as Prince Doran ordered him stopped at every town in Dorne to delay his final arrival here in Sunspear. Areo jealously looks at Princess Arianne gets all up on Balon.

Arianne: Hey cowboy. Wow, those sure are some big muscles you have.

Balon: Uh huh.

As Arianne is all over him, the next course of the feast comes out. It’s a bunch of sugar skulls.

Balon: Is this Día de Muertos or something?

Arianne: Hahaha, you’re so funny, Balon! Funny and cute! Yeah, we in Dorne have a pretty sick sense of humor.

She starts to rub the swan clasps that hold his cape onto his armor.

Arianne: I freaking love swans. I think they’re the cutest animals.

Balon: Uh, right. I mean they’re no peacocks or anything.

He politely nods and sips some wine.

Arianne backs off, sighing. Areo knows that Balon won’t be as easily seduced by her as that dumbass Arys Oakheart, his fellow Kingsguard, was.

Balon: Say, where is Arys anyway? I thought that I would—

Doran: —OH HEY BALON! Thanks for sending me that letter from Cersei. It was so nice of her to invite Myrcella and Trystane to come back up to Kings Landing, and for me to go up with them as well and take a seat on King Tommen’s small council. I’d love to go on the trip!

Balon: Oh great. Then pretty soon we can head out on our way and—

Doran: —But I’d prefer to go by sea rather than back by land like how you came here. You know how gout-ey I am these days. I’m not sure I’d be able to take that long, arduous land voyage with my current health.

Balon: Sea, Prince Doran? But isn’t the sea loaded with pirates and Ironborn raiders? Seems pretty dangerous. You would almost certainly die that way. No, you'll be much safer going with me by land.

Doran: Hrm. If you say so. I guess we can talk about it more later. At the Water Gardens! That’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you!

Balon: And Arys Oakheart?

Doran: Like I said, it’s where Trystane and Myrcella are waiting for you. You know who these Water Gardens were built for? A princess named Daenerys Targaryen!

Balon: Really? Daenerys?

Doran: Oh, not THIS Daenerys. Her namesake, the daughter of King Aegon IV and sister to Daeron II. She was betrothed to the Prince of Dorne, Maron Martell. That deal to marry her allowed Dorne to finally bend the knee and join the Seven Kingdoms, after years and years of resisting. Prince Maron had the Water Guardens built as a beautiful gift to her. There, their children played in the water and had fun. After a while, she wanted to change the policy so that all the children could play in the Water Gardens, even the children of servants and poor kids. It started a tradition that lasts to this day! Very egalitarian, no?

Balon: Uhh… sure?

Daron: Now if you’ll excuse me, this has been quite a feast and I need to head back to my chambers to rest.

He slowly picks himself up, and limps back to his room.  Areo joins him and helps him along. The Sand Snakes and immediate Martell family join as well. As they leave, Obara starts to quietly complain.

Obara: Ugh. You’re such a moron, uncle. You can’t be serious about sending Trystane away to King’s Landing – can you?

Doran: SHHH! Shut the fuck up until we’re safely back in my chambers, and we can have a private conversation. Dumb ass bitch.

Cut to them being back in Doran’s private chamber. It takes a while though. Doran is even slower than Wyman Manderly.  Areo guards the door. And listens.

Obara: Okay, so we’re all having a private convo now. What the hell are we going to do?

Tyene: The same thing Doran always does. Wait. Plot. DO NOTHING. Nobody does nothing better than Uncle Doran.

Arianne: SHHH! Show some fucking respect to my dad, you bitch ass ho.

Tyene: Oh please, like you haven’t agreed with me a thousand times about that.

Arianne helps her father sit down. His legs and feet are super swollen. Areo wants to cringe at how gross his Prince has become recently.

Meanwhile, Obara takes a look at the giant skull which has been brought back to the room with them.

Obara: So what did the Mountain look like? Are we sure this is his skull?

Nymeria: Yeah. How do we know that cunt Queen Cersei gave us the Gregor’s skull? Sure, everyone heard the Mountain screaming in pain. But nobody actually saw him die.

Tyene: Oh, trust me. The Mountain is dead. Our father’s poison is deadly… EVERY TIME! Thousands of people saw father’s poison-tipped spear hit the Mountain. If Oberyn cut The Mountain… then the Mountain died. Slowly and in agony. Just like everyone is saying.

The two other Sand Snakes nod their heads and agree. Their dad is awesome and he couldn’t have failed.

Obara: Well, with the Mountain dead, we now have vengeance for Elia. It’s a good start.

Ellaria: A good start? A good START? The Mountain killed Elia and Oberyn. Now he’s dead. If anyone ordered the Mountain to do it, it would have been Tywin Lannister. Now he’s dead. Joffrey Baratheon is now dead too. What do you mean “it’s a good start?” Who else needs to die? Tommen? Myrcella? Innocent children who had nothing to do with the sins of their grandfather? If this is  the start… then what exactly is the END? You girls are some sick fucks.

Nymeria: Really? In the TV show you’re more blood thirsty than all of the rest of us. It ends with Casterly Rock destroyed and every Lannister in the world dead.

Tyene: Yeah, Ser Gregor’s skull sure does look lonely. I bet he’d like some company.

Ellaria: I saw my beloved Oberyn die! How many more need to die to fulfill your bloodlust? The Lannisters could march on us and destroy us. I have four girls myself. Will they need to die too in the wars to come?

Obara: War is coming, no matter what. I’m just trying to say we need to be on the winning side. Tommen is a small, incompetent boy. The Lannisters have the Ironborn molesting them in the West and Stannis in the North. Our enemies are in disarray. NOW THE TIME IS RIPE!

Ellaria: RIPE? Ripe for what? More skulls?

Obara: I don’t think skulls grow on trees like fruit, but it would be awesome if they did.

Doran: *sigh* Ellaria, go be with your little girls. I have some business to discuss with the Sand Snakes.

She nods and leaves.

Doran: Girls… why you gotta fuck with your father’s main squeeze like that?

Nymeria: Look, dad loved her… but she never understood him. War is what the Red Viper would have wanted. But OBVIOUSLY you agree with her, since you’re a weak ass bitch.

Doran: Ellaria understood your father in ways you could never imagine. But there are things she does not know. One thing she does not know, for instance, is that our war with the Lannisters has already begun.

Obara: Hahaha, oh yeah. Arianne has already seen to that by getting Arys Oakheart killed and Princess Myrcella’s ear chopped off.

Arianne: HEY! That’s not what happened at all. It was Darkstar who did it. He killed Arys and cut Myrcella’s ear. *wink*wink* Only now, Darkstar has retreated back to his castle where we can’t reach him.

The Sandsnakes all look at each other.

Nymeria: Well, the story is half-true at least. Will Balon actually believe it though?

Arianne: If Princess Myrcella tells them that it’s what happened.

Obara: Oh sure. Maybe she’ll tell that story today. But for the rest of her life? When she’s safely back in King’s Landing with her mom, Cersei? No way she keeps to that story forever. We’ll be exposed by Balon. We should kill him now.

Doran: SHUT UP! Geez, if the three of your weren’t Oberyn’s daughters, I would have you locked up back in that tower again. Now I’ve had enough of your stupid plots and accusations that I’m doing nothing. You think I’m worthless? You think I’m grass that can be walked all over? Do you know who thinks that too? The Lannisters. And that is exactly what I want them to think. But do you know something about grass? It’s where vipers live… ready to strike. Your father was the Red Viper. But a viper with grass to hide in won’t surprise anyone. They’ll see it coming a mile away. The Red Viper needed me. The Red Viper needed the grass. You think I’m nothing like my brother? You think he wanted war when I did not? But you think and know shit. We were on the same page. We made many plans together. Plans that we never told you about. Viper and Grass. Now that he is gone, I would like you to be involved in those plans. You can be my new vipers. My Sand Vipers. Unfortunately, I don’t know if I can trust you three fucking morons enough for that to happen. You’re dipshit vipers more likely to bite your own asses than strike a Lannister.

The Sand Snakes look at each other. They had never seen this type of attitude come from their uncle before. He’s droppin’ shit hard.

Tyene: It’s doing NOTHING that has us frustrated, uncle. Just give us SOMETHING to do, and we will do it.

Doran: Words are fucking wind. You can say that you will follow my commands, but that’s worthless coming from you three dipshits. I mean just look how incompetent you were in the TV show.

Obara: HEY! Don’t judge us by the TV show! We rule in the books!

Doran: Swear to me. Swear to me on your father’s grave that you will do as I command. Cuz you all have to prove you’re ready for me to drop some knowledge on you.

Again, they look at each other. One by one, they bow and swear.

Doran: Good, good. Now I can actually tell you all some things. Dorne is not without friends at the King’s Court. And boy to I have some juicy stuff for you. You remember how Balon Swann invited me to Kings Landing? And then his face turned whiter than a GOP convention when I mentioned heading there by sea instead of land? That’s because shorty already has his orders from Cersei. Going by sea would have ruined the whole plan. There was to be an “ambush” on the road. Tystane would be murdered, with me as a witness to see the whole thing. The raiders would be a bunch of people shouting “Half-man! Half-man!” Balon Swann would even swear he saw Tyrion in the group, leading them. Of course, nobody else would see it.

Tyene: Trystane!? Why the hell would Cersei want poor, innocent, young Trystane dead? He’s just a boy!

Doran: Because she’s a fucking monster. And it ends the engagement between Trystane and Myrcella so she can have her back for her own purposes. And to blame Tyrion for all of her problems in the world and have me take her side.

Obara: Give me my spear and I’ll kill Balon now. I’ll kill all of them!

Doran: Balon is a guest beneath my roof and has eaten with us. I will not allow him to be harmed. Did you not just read that last Theon chapter? Bitches who break the sacred laws of guest right get their own family members served to them. No. Balon will go to the Water Gardens and hear Myrcella’s story. He will send a raven to his queen, saying what happened. And I will “beg” him to go hunt down Darkstar in High Hermitage to avenge the death of his brother of the Kingsguard and the maiming of Myrcella. OBARA! You will accompany him. Lead Balon to Darkstar. That is your mission.

Obara: It… it shall be done, Prince Doran.

Doran: NYMERIA… our war against King’s Landing must remain a secret for now. So we must return Myrcella, just as Cersei asks. But I shall not go with her as Cersei wants.  You shall go to King’s Landing in my stead, and take my seat on the Small Council, just as your father the Red Viper did for me. Be careful though. For King’s Landing is a pit of… well…

Nymeria: Yes. Vipers. I shall do as you say, Uncle.

Doran: And last, for you TYENE. Your mother was a Septa, was she not?

Tyene: Well, not a very chaste one, obviously. But then again, father always was a charmer.

Doran: You shall travel to King’s Landing too with Nymeria, but you shall go to a different hill. You shall infiltrate the order of the Sword and the Stars, which has been reformed by the new High Septon. This High Septon is not a servant of the Lannisters as the other High Septons were. We might be able to use him. Get close to him. Gain his trust.

Tyene: Hahaha, I can do that. I look good in white anyway. So long as our plot is over by labor day, we're cool.

Doran: Go now, girls.

Arianne: I know you can do it, dear cousins. Dorne is with you.

The three look at each other once more and say the words together.

Sand Snakes: Unbowed. Unbent. Unbroked. And no “bad pussy” jokes. Ever.

Ah, the famous motto of Dorne. Good to hear.

Doran: Ah, good. If I have to change any of our plans, I will send word to you. Sometimes, the situation changes quickly when you play the game of thrones. I will need to—

--Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.

Arianne: Oh shit. Areo... aren't you supposed to be provding security to prevent this from happening?

Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!

Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!

And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back out of some secret passage.

Areo: Erm, sorry about that, Prince Doran.

The Sand Snakes depart to carry out their orders. Arianne stays.

Arianne: It should have been me going to King’s Landing. Not Nymeria.

Doran: True, but you are too valuable. You are my heir and I need you here. Besides, I have news from Essos.  A fleet has set sail, carrying a large army.

Arianne: Is it Queen Daenerys? Is Quentyn with him?

Doran: I don’t know. All I know is that there will be elephants, apparently.

Arianne: Elephants? Oh… there BETTER be elephants. You know how angry people get when you think a sellsword company from Essos, let’s say the Golden Company, is going to bring elephants and they don’t.

Doran: Whoever they are, we shall find out soon and see if they mean to land here.

And with that, the scene is done.

Doran: Oh shit. Areo. You’re still in the room? I forgot all about you. Did you hear all of that?

Areo: Yeah. But I’m sort of a useless character just here to be a fly on a wall and hear everything that more important characters say. I’m not quite sure why this couldn’t have just been an Arianne chapter and conveyed all the same points, only through the point of view of an interesting character who matters.

Doran: True.

ADwD 37: The Prince of Winterfell (Theon IV)

WEDDING DAY!!! Oh yeah, these Weddings always go so well in these books.

Theon has been assigned to escort Ramsey’s bride, Arya Stark (really Sansa’s old friend, Jeyne Poole), down the aisle.  As the ward of the Starks, who are now all presumed dead, Then Greyjoy is the closest thing to Arya’s “family” that she has left to give her away. Which is messed up in a whole lot of ways beyond the fact that Arya isn’t even Arya.

Jeyne Poole: Please! No! I don’t want to marry this Ramsay Bolton guy. They say he’s the worst. They say he’s a cruel monster.

Reek/Theon: Y-y-you musn’t say such things, Arya. You must make sure to never anger him. So long as you please him, you will be fine.

Jeyne: Ugh. Nooooo! I’m not Arya, and I don’t want to marry him.

Reek/Theon: NO! You ARE Arya! You must never forget that. You never know who is listening. You must ALWAYS be Arya now.

Jeyne: Help me, Theon. Help me escape and run away with me! I swear I’ll be forever grateful to you. I could be your wife instead. I mean you’re no Beric Dondarrian or anything, but you’ll do.

Reek/Theon: Oh yeah, Jeyne had a crush on Beric. That’s so weird and I forgot all about it. But no. I can’t run away with you. There is no escape. Ramsay will find us… and when he does…

Theon shudders at the thought.  He thinks back to Roose’s promise that once Theon goes through with this, he will have his titles restored to him and could take his father’s throne. But Theon knows the truth. He is just a pawn that the Boltons are using to make this wedding ceremony look more legitimate.  If Theon says this girl is Arya… then people who have doubts will believe it. After all, he grew up with Arya and would know.  Theon knows that Bran and Rickon are still alive because he didn’t kill them… but nobody else knows that, leaving him as the and only choice left to ID Arya. Some of these other lords and ladies had seen Ned Stark’s little runt girl before, but only half payed attention to her. Theon is key to shutting people up.  But Theon knows that as soon as he has played his part, he is of no more use to Roose. Roose won’t keep his promise. He’ll let Ramsay go back to torturing him.

Reek/Theon: Basically, the best hope I have is if Stannis attacks and kills everyone, including me.

Theon takes Jeyne through the ruins of Winterfell to the weirwood trees in the godswood. There, Ramsay Bolton is waiting. Theon finds the whole thing super eerie, considering that he grew up with everyone here, then betrayed them, and watched this place burn down when Ramsay attacked it. The place is full of a thick mist and foreboding ravens. They were once Maester Luwin’s ravens. But now Luwin is dead and his tower burned down. Yet the ravens remain. This is all his fault.

Raven: Corn.

Theon presents Jeyne to Ramsay.

Ramsay: Who goes here?

Theon: It is Arya of House Stark, who comes here as a woman flowered to be married. And who are you?

Ramsay: Ramsay of House Bolton, who comes to claim the bride. And who is this who brings her to me?

Theon: Theon of House Greyjoy, the Ward of Ned Stark. Lady Arya… do you take this man?

“Arya” looks worriedly at Theon.  Theon knows she’s not Arya. She’s Jeyne. It rhymes with “pain.” Just like he’s Reek that rhymes with “WWF Star The Iron Shiek.”

Half of Theon hopes that Jeyne screams out “no!” and reveals to everyone that she’s not Arya. How isn’t this obvious to everyone? Jeyne has brown eyes. Arya had grey eyes. DUH. Maybe Ramsay will be so angry that he’ll kill them both right there instantly, rather than slowly torture him.

Jeyne: Yes, I take him man.

Well, so much for that.

Ramsay: And I take this woman.

Sooooo, that was a pretty short ceremony. They all depart. For a moment as they walk away, Theon hears what he thinks is his name being called by the trees. The trees seem to say “Theon,” not Reek. But it’s probably just the wind, so he brushes it off.

Bran: Or maybe it’s me talking through trees again, reminding Theon who he really is.

Yes, that’s possible too.

Bran: A good man.

Well, let's not get carried away, Bran.

Theon/Reek walks away to avoid dealing with people, but randomly bumps into a guy.

*bump*

Guy: Oh, excuse me. My name is Abel, I’m a singer who heard about the Wedding here and came to play.  I’ve brought with me SIX groupies, because I’m sort of a big deal.

Theon: How are you a big deal if I’ve never heard of you? Also, those groupies sort of look like Wildling spearwives.

Groupie: HOW DARE YOU! Take that insult back or I’ll slit your neck just like I was trained to do as a wildling spearwife! Trust me, Mance can vouch for that!

“Abel:” Shhhh!!!! SHHHHH!!!! Come on now, “Groupie,” everything will be fine. Me, a random singer named “Abel,” and my six groupies are just here for the wedding. I am definitely not Mance Rayder, here to spy on things.

Theon/Reek: Uhh… whatever.

The wedding feast is held soon after in the Great Hall of Winterfell.  This Hall too was burned down, bust most of it has been quickly patched up for the wedding by the Boltons, to make Winterfell look at least a tiny bit like the great city fortress it once was. Of course, as soon as the hall was patched up, Roose Bolton executed all the workers who did it. Why? It shows no narrative purpose other than to continue to show that Roose is a huge dick.

At the great feast table, Ramsay and his new bridge Fake Arya / Jeyne are at the center, with Roose Bolton close by.  Theon sits in a far corner, next to Lady Dustin. People spit at him as the walks by. People point and laugh and scorn him. He knows he deserves it. After everything that Ramsay has done to him, such insults are like nothing to him.

Suddenly, the huge whale of a man, Lord Wyman Manderly stands up. It takes him a solid minute to do so though.

Lord Manderly: AHH!!! A toast everyone! A toast! But not a toast of alcohol! A TOAST OF FOOD! MMmmmm! FOOD! That is what I have brought as a gift!

Guy in Back of Great Hall: *shouting* It’s not a gift if you plan to eat it all yourself, fatass!

Crowd: *mild laughter*  

Lord Manderly: Anyway, I have baked THREE GREAT PIES to celebrate this feast. The most delicious pies you’ll have ever tasted! SO GOOD! Have them! Have pieces of them! They’re so good!

His men start to cut up pieces of the three pies, and they are handed out to everyone. Bigger slices are handed out to the Freys in attendance.

Little Walder: Mmm! This tastes really good. What is this? A pork pie? I thought your fat ass only liked eel pies.

Lord Manderly: OH. “Pork,” huh? No! No! A special type of eel! Yes, more delicious eel pies from rare, expensive, luxurious species of eels. These eels are especially slippery. They are the slimiest, most disgusting of all slippery eels! Yet when you kill them and slowly tear their flesh off while they are still alive, hearing their screams of pain… IT MAKES THEM TASTE SO MUCH BETTER!

Big Walder: Strange. I’ve never heard of any types of eels like that. What are their exact species names?

Lord Manderly: Uhh… uhh… *shifty eyes*… well the three pies are made from three different types of rare eels! The first is a Freshwater Eel known as Anguilla Rhaegaria.  The next is a maritime species known as Congrinae Symondus. And the final one is another marine species, Gorgasia Jaredica. All are well renowned for being hideous, monstrous, remorseless, murderous beasts while alive. However, if you viciously kill them… they become so succulent, so delicious!

Aenys Frey: Mmm, this eel pie is really good. I swear it tastes like pork though. You know who would really love this pie? My son, Rhaegar Frey. Too bad he went missing, along with my younger half-brothers, Jared and Symond, while traveling with Lord Manderly not that long ago.

Hosteen Frey: You said it, Anus!

Aenys: AH-KNEES! It’s pronounced, “AH-KNEES!”

Manderly sits down after helping to serve pieces to everyone, and starts to dig into the eel pies himself.

Lord Manderly: MMM! SO GOOD! OMG, these are the BEST PIES I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE! I love food, everyone knows this. But this is the GREATEST THING I HAVE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. IT TASTES SO GOOD. SO. GOOD.

Roose raises his eyebrow quizzically, but then starts to eat some of the pie too.

Lady Dustin: Ugh, look at this guy. Craven to the bone. A total coward! The Freys murdered his family, and here he is pretending nothing happened and serving them pie. I bet he’d love to kill them all.

Theon: Really? Maybe you should tell Lord Bolton of your concern.

Lady Dustin: Oh come on, Roose knows. Just look. The one person who wasn’t eating the pie was Roose. See him watching Lord Manderly? Roose will not eat anything that Wyman Manderly does not eat, nor take a sip from any beverage that the fat lord of White Harbor does not drink.

Theon: Damn, you’re right.

Lady Dustin: Roose thinks of everyone as his “playthings” to toy with. That’s where his sick fuck of a son Ramsay probably got it from. He probably wants to become the King of the North himself one day, after he defeats Stannis. He’ll murder Manderly soon enough. Anyone who stands in his way dies.

Theon: Are you worried that Roose might think you stand in his way?

Lady Dustin: Heh. You’re smarter than you look, dipshit. I could be a thorn in his side if I choose to be. That why he’s taking great pains to make sure I’m on his side.

A group of Maesters then enter the great hall, and hand a note to Roose.

Lady Dustin: Freaking Maesters. I hate them. Everything is their fault. That whole Tully marriage thing is their fault.

Theon: Wow. Tully marriage? What are you talking about?

Lady Dustin: Don’t worry, I’ll have some more exposition for you about that in your next POV chapter.

Roose stands up and makes an announcement.

Roose: Stannis’s forces have departed Deepwood Motte and are headed this way to us. If you’ll excuse me… I must depart to discuss strategy.

When Roose leaves, a lot of the other Lords start leaving to. One guy who doesn’t want to leave is Lord Manderly, who has drank a TON of booze and is shitfaced.

Lord Manderly: WHY ARE PEOPLE LEAVING? Let’s stay! Stay and celbrate! YOU, bard!

Mance Rayder… uhh… I mean “Abel:” Me?

Lord Manderly: Yes, you! Do you know the song about the Rat Cook? Play it! It’d love to hear that song!

Abel: Oh yeah. You mean the song about the Chef who murders a prince and then BAKED THE PRINCE INTO A PIE AND FEEDS HIM TO HIS OWN FATHER? Then he’s punished by the gods for his deed and transformed into a rat as punishment. Not because he committed murder. Not because he fed a son to his own father. But because he violated the most holy law of all – GUEST RIGHTS, THE SACRED LAWS OF HOSPITALITY WHICH SAY YOU SHOULD NEVER BETRAY OR KILL A MAN INVITED INTO YOUR HOME AND FED.

Aenys Frey: Hahahaha! Yeah! I love that song! Play it! I just wish my son, Rhaegar was here to hear it with me!

He eats more pie.

Abel: Wow. Are we really doing this? Okay then. *whips out Lute*

Lord Manderly’s Helpers: Ugh. Our Lord is drunk. We’ve got to get him out of here. Somebody call for the forklift.

With all of the Lords gone or on their way out, one of Ramsay’s yes-men, Sour Alyn, walks up to Theon.

Sour Alyn: Reek, Ramsay has need of you. It’s time for the bedding ceremony. Ramsay wants you to carry his bride to his bed.

Theon reluctantly gets up and obeys, worried about a trap at every moment. He picks up Jeyne and carries her to Ramsay’s bedchamber. She doesn't look happy about the whole thing.

Ramsay meets him there, waiting, and hands him a knife.

Ramsay: Cut off my bride’s clothes for me.

Theon/Reek: Oh wow, giving me a knife, huh? That’s a real level of trust.

But in Ramsay’s presence, Theon is no longer Theon. He cowers back into Reek, too afraid to do anything. He cuts off Jeyne’s clothes, as commanded. Although he briefly thinks about maybe cutting Jeyne’s throat to end her suffering.
                                                                
Ramsay: Okay, now that Arya is naked I’m ready to go… no… no wait. I think she needs to be moist down there, first, if you know what I mean. REEK!

Reek: Y-yes, L-Lord Ramsay?

Ramsay: Get working on that.

Reek: Y-you mean you want me to go get some KY?

Ramsay: No. You know EXACTLY what I mean.

Jeyne: Wow, these books are EVEN WORSE than the show.

ADwD 36: Daenerys VI

Dany is watching the last episode of "Game of Thrones" on HBO. It comes to an end. 

Dany: What? REALLY? Jon stabs me while he's kissing me? How fucked up is that? And Bran... I mean... BRAN?! Is that for real?

Barristan: Well, he is the first POV chapter of the first book. Discounting prologues, of course.

Dany: Ugh. Now where were we, plot-wise?

Barristan: You said you were going to go feed the starving, sick people with the pale mare disease. They're outside of the city walls. 

Dany: Right. Riiiiiiiiiight.

One of the gates to the city walls of Meereen opens, and Dany steps out.

Barristan: But my Queen, I beg you not to do this! You REALLY plan on feeding these plague-ridden starving refugees from Astapor yourself?

Dany: Of course I do. I ordered that they be fed and taken care of, so I should be strong enough to help do that myself.

Barristan: You’re too valuable, my queen.

Dany: Too valuable? No! Why the poor, downtrodden people are just as important as the rich and powerful.

Barristan: You mean like the civilians of King's Landing?

Dany: Shut your mouth.

Barristan: I'm just saying. If you catch the plague, then—

Dany: —Please! Everyone knows Targaryens can’t get sick. I’ve never been sick my entire life.

Barristan: Who taught you that?

Dany: My brother, Viserys.

Barristan: …

Dany: What?

Barristan: I mean he's not really a trustworthy source of information.

Dany heads out to the camp of the sick anyway with her bloodriders, and this place is DIS-GUST-ING! The whole place is full of the stink of death and rotting corpses.  Those who are still barely alive, cry out to her as she walks by.

Dany: Oh wow, this place is horrible. So much suffering. They look malnourished. Why have they not been brought more food?

Aggo: Dany, I, Aggo, know this a tough thing to hear… but these people dead. Even the alive ones are dead. They all doomed.  We only have limited food left in the city. I say it dumb to  waste food to feed mouths that will die soon anyway. And to add to that… most people we send out to feed and care for these sick people? They get sick and die too. These people are fucked, and it impossible to un-fuck them. Anything we do to try to un-fuck them just fucks us.

Barristan: It’s true. Our stores dwindle and we will need to withstand a siege.

Aggo: It is known.

Dany is sort of a really poor leader (you can tell from how much of a shitdown Meereen is), so she can’t handle that as an answer.

Dany: No! We must continue to care for these people. And why do we let their dead lay here, stinking? They should be gathered up and burned. Yes. BURN. BURN THEM ALL. A-HEHEHEHE!!!!

Everyone stops are stares at her for a second. And they said there was no foreshadowing! Anyway, Aggo breaks the silence.

Aggo: You not listen to what Aggo say before? If we send people to gather and burn dead bodies… they get bloody flux and die shitting blood too.  Not everyone magically immune to sickness like you.

Dany: Have Grey Worm and the Unsullied gather these bodies and burn them. I order this!

Aggo: Really? Okay, Aggo will do as his Khaleesi commands. Aggo just wonders if you know address of Grey Worm’s mom so you can send her a card saying how sorry you are that he dead.

Grey Worm is fetched and hears Dany’s commands.

Grey Worm: It shall be done, Queen. I just ask permission that we Unsullied be allowed to bathe in the sea water to purify ourselves afterwards, in accordance with our religion.

Dany: Oh really? Is that a thing in your religion? I didn’t even know about it.

Grey Worm: Of course not. You’re a white savior character. Why bother learning about our unique cultures and traditions when it’s not important to your story arc as the white savior? You saving us poor, brown people is all the readers need to know. Little details like our own faiths and beliefs are unimportant because we are just plot devices to promote your narrative of white goodness.

Dany: I… uhh… ermm… ahhh…

Grey Worm: Nah, I’m just fucking with you because I’m really pissed that I have to pile up and burn all these dead bodies today when I was planning to watch some soccer games on the big screen at that one pyramid. It’s all good.

Grey Worm goes off to do that body burning stuff. But was he really just kidding with Dany? No. Of course not.

Later, Dany returns back to her own pyramid and bathes.

Dany: SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! SCRUB HARD! I can feel plague germs all over me! Ew! Ew! Ew!

Missandei: Hey, mind if I bathe with you?

Dany: OMG, I'm so glad that you're still alive!

Missandei: Huh?

Dany: Get in here and bathe me, you sexy, alive thing you. 

Missandei: Sexy? Remember that in these books I am a 10-year old girl. 

Dany: Yeesh.

Irri: I though you were supposed to bathe with us.

Jhiqui: It is known.

Dany: I still find it hard to believe that you two characters are still around. We literally have nothing for you to do, plot-wise anymore.

Irri: Perhaps we can argue over Rakharo and talk about how cute he is now. He used to be all small, but he obviously hit Dothraki puberty and is big as hell now. Those muscles.

Jhiqui: Mmm sister, yeah. IT. IS. KNOWN.

Dany: *rolls eyes*

Missandei: I can hear the people outside scratching on the walls at night. Scratching to get inside of here.

Dany: Do you can’t, stop BS’ing me, Missandei. You’re probably just having bad dreams. But don’t worry. As much as I care for them and feel bad for their suffering, I won’t let them in to spread plague.

Missandei: Right. You’ll just send all sorts of troops out there to mingle with them and bring the plague back inside that way.

Dany: I… uhmm… ermm… OKAY… MOVING THIS PLOT FORWARD…

Dany gets dressed in a traditional Tokar with plans to meet with her husband-to-be, Hizdahr zo Loraq, for dinner. But before meeting with Hizdahr, she meets up with Reznak mo Reznak and Galazza the Green Grace Galare to talk wedding planning.

Dany: Look, I promise I won’t be one of those Bridezillas! I just need everyone in the audience to wear this one shade of topaz that I found because it’s so pretty. Dresses. Suits. Footwear. It all has to be topaz and if anyone dares not wear all topaz, they are banned from the wedding. And it better not be ANY shade of topaz. It needs to be the one shade I like. I’m sending everyone some Pantone color strips that shows the EXACT shade that I want them to wear. And no woman in the ceremony is allowed to be taller than me. Anyone who is taller than me needs to hunch down and act like a cripple. Oh, and I plan on sending a bill to any no-show guests. And the only food that will be served is these new green “detox” smoothies that I’m totally into now. But again, I’m totally not a Bridezilla.

Reznak: Uhnn huhhhh. So anyway, about the feet washing ceremony.

Dany: The what now?

Reznak: You need to wash your husband’s feet to prove you are an obedient servant to him now.

Dany: THE FUCK I WILL.

Green Grace: Queen, I know it is not your tradition… but the union will not be recognized by our people if you don’t do this. If the people do not think the wedding is legitimate, then you will never have peace.

Dany: *sigh* Whatever.

Reznak: You should also probably reopen the fighting pits as a “wedding gift” to your husband.

Dany: OMG WILL IT EVER END WITH THIS FIGHTING PIT STUFF?! UGH. Look. When I am married to Hizdahr, he will be a king. Let him reopen the pits. I want nothing to do with it.

Everyone else just shrugs their shoulders, because honestly that seems like a pretty legit compromise.

Later, Hizdahr arrives and they start their dinner.

Hizdahr: Mmm, we’re having a very special dinner tonight. My favorite meal! Dog!

Dany: *vomits in mouth a little* Oh… yeeeeeeah. That sounds great.

Hizdahr: Doesn’t it?

Dany: Oh hey, “honey.” You hear about this feet washing thing I have to do?

Hizdahr: *sigh* Yeah. Another one of these stupid old traditions that they love in Meereen. Look, I’m not about that life, Dany. When we’re in charge, that’s one of the types of things I’d like to get rid of. But for now, it’s something we probably need to do in order to keep the peace.

Dany: Cool, I guess. Although if you’re one of those foot fetish people… I can tell you that this is not going to work.

Hizdahr: No way, those people are freaks. But back to talking about peace. I’ve heard back on offers for peace with Yunkai. They say they want us to give them a bunch of gold, and allow them to resume the slave trade.

Dany: No and no. To hell with that.

Barristan then comes in, and interrupts the engaged couple.

Barristan: Excuse me, Your Grace. The Stormcrows have returned with news.

Dany: S-stormcrows? You mean… like… Daario?

She bats her eyes are starts to get all swoony.  Hizdahr gives her some side eye.

Barristan: The armies of Yunkai are on the march. Daario has lots of information about it, but he refused to brief me about it. He says he will only tell you.

Dany gets up from the table, just as the course of dog meat arrives.

Dany: Oh look at that! What a shame. I guess I can’t eat dog after all, my dear husband. So sorry, but I have to go hear a report about the Yunkai forces from my soldier.

Hizdahr: What a shame! I guess we could save you some dog to have later.

Dany: No, no. I couldn’t possibly impose you disgusting monster. You should have my portion. Now to go meet Daario. Of course it’s SUPER SENSITIVE news he probably has to report to me. Which means he needs to “debrief” me in private. Like in my bedroom probably. Yeah, my bedroom sounds like the most logical and secure place. Send Daario there at once!

Barristan: Uhhh. Of course, Your Grace.

Hizdahr: *devastatingly vicious side eye*

Dany goes back to her bedroom chambers, slips into something from Victoria’s Secret, and waits in her bed for the report from the leader of the Stormcrows.

Daario walks in, although he’s wounded and covered in blood.

Dany: OH NO! My poor baby! I mean… uhh… soldier. You look hurt. You need to get that wound treated!

Daario: Oh this? It’s nothing. Most of this blood isn’t even mine. It’s blood from a traitorous sergent who tried to defect and join the enemy. So I ripped his heart out of his chest.

Dany: Like Kano from Mortal Kombat? *swoon*

Daario: Well, I was thinking more like Mola Ram in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But same thing. Here, I got you this as a Valentine’s Day gift.

He drops the man’s heart on the table.

Dany: So sweet! I can’t believe one of the Stormcrows tried to betray me though.

Daario: Bad news, my beautiful Queen. He wasn’t the only one. Brown Ben Plum and his entire Second Sons company have defected and joined Yunkai.

Dany: WHAT?! OMG! I just sent him out with a ton of gold to bribe our enemies to join our side! But instead he STEALS the gold and gives it to our enemies and joins them?!  AGHHHHH!!!

Daario: It’s not all bad news. I convinced some of our enemies to flip to our side. Even without the gold.  Also, as for Brown Ben, I can kill him for you, my love.

Dany: Maybe later. For now, I need to order the gates to be closed to defend ourselves from this oncoming Yunkai attack. I also need to tend to your wounds so you don’t die of an infection like my last husband.  Take all of your clothes off right now, so I can get a better look at them.

Instead of doing that, Daario walks right up and kisses her on the lips. They make out for like four minutes before Dany notices that all her handmaids are in the room watching.

Dany: Uh, you gals can leave now.

Irri: But I like to watch. It is known.

They leave.

Dany: Oh, Daario! There was the prophecy! That three people would betray me! I feared you would be one of them. But you weren’t. It was Brown Benn. He was the second. Or the third? I don’t know. I’m not quite sure how to count them. Does that Lhazar Witch Mirri Maz Durr count? Jorah most certainly does. But what about—

Daario: —I would never betray you, my love. All that I ask for is that you never leave me behind in Meereen and have whatever happens to me be a dropped plot point.

Dany: By the way… I know this is an awkward time to mention this. But I’m getting married. To Hizdahr.

Daario: *shugs* Whatever. Like that will stop me.

Dany: But I never wanted him. I wanted you! But you’re a sellsword. How could I trust a sellsword who boasts that he’s slept with hundreds of women?

Daario: Did I say hundreds? I meant thousands.

Dany: Really? Man, I’m really glad that STDs aren’t a major thing in these novels.

Daario: Thousands of women… but I’ve never been with a dragon.

Dany: What? Like Drogon?

Daario: No, you. Idiot.

Dany: Ah, right.

She drops her dress. They start making out again and begin taking off their clothes. But Dany starts patting around Daario's body. 

Daario: What are you doing?

Dany: Just checking to make sure you don't have a knife to plunge into my heart.

Daario: Why would I do that?

Dany: Like I said, just checking. 

Daario: I do have something I want to plunge inside of you though.

Dany: Then what are you waiting for?

They do it.

Game of Thrones: The Final Episode (A Jingle of Ice and Fire Special)

The music plays and the studio audience applauds. Finally, things settle down and Arianne Martell takes her seat.

Arianne: Hey everyone, it’s me! Arianne Martell, the best character not actually featured in HBO’s show, “Game of Thrones.” Well, it’s Noon East Coast time and the last episode of HBO’s show will be airing later tonight. I guess we should use this as a time to reflect on the show, as well as talk about some predictions for the final episode. So how about I bring out my special guests?

Audience: YES! WE WOULD LIKE THAT VERY MUCH!

Arianne: Please welcome… joining me in studio today… is EVERY POV Character from the books!  Here are… Lord Eddard Stark, Lady Catelyn Stark, Daenerys Targaryen, Tyrion Lannister, Jon Snow, Bran Stark, Sansa Stark, Arya Stark, Theon Greyjoy, Davos Seaworth, Jaime Lannister, Samwell Tarly, Cersei Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, Aeron Greyjoy, Victarion Greyjoy, Asha Greyjoy, Areo Hotah, Arys Oakheart, Quentyn Martell, Barristan Selmy, Jon Connington, and Melisandre! Myself too, of course!

The audience goes wild as it takes all these characters a ton of time to sit down in the chairs in the studio. 

Barristan Selmy: Wow, I didn’t even know I was a POV character.

Arianne: Oh, you’re not yet. You will be soon though. Just wait a few chapters, okay? After Dany flies off on Drogon later in this book, GRRM will need someone to explain what’s going on in Meereen.

Cersei Lannister: Ugh. Spoilers! *rolls eyes*

Jon Snow: Hey… aren’t there some folks missing? Like the Prologue and Epilogue POV characters?

Arianne: Ah, it looks like you do know something after all, Jon Snow!

The audience laughs.

Arianne: You’re of course referring to Will, Ranger of the Night’s Watch; Maester Cressen;
Chett, Steward of the Night’s Watch; Merrett Frey, 9th son of Walder Frey; Pate, Novice at the Citadel; Varamyr, Skinchanger; and the epilogue closer for this book that we haven’t seen yet… none other than Lord Regent, Kevan Lannister.

The audience cheers, expecting some surprise appearance for those characters as well.

Arianne: Well, you won’t see any of them because they’re boring and lame.

Audience: Oh. You have a point though.

Arianne: And you know what? Let’s… um… let’s kick out fucking Areo Hotah too. That guy is such a fucking creeper. Always staring at me. Gawking.

Areo Hotah: But my princess! I love you! All I wish to do is protect you.

Arianne: Dude, you probably have an altar to me on your wall and it’s making me a bit uncomfortable. And while we’re at it… let’s get fucking Aeron and Victarion Greyjoy out of here too because they are just the lamest fucking characters ever.

Armed members of the Kingsguard come in and take Areo, Aeron and Victarion away.  Melisandre and Arys Oakheart both look at each other nervously, knowing that each of them only had one POV chapter themselves and are therefore basically on the same level as the Prologue and Epilogue guys.

Arianne: Oh no, don’t worry. You two are safe. Mel, you kick ass and are a great character. And Arys… well… I do sort of feel bad about tricking you with sex and getting you killed. A woman’s gotta do what a woman’s gotta do, right?

Audience: YOU TELL HIM, SISTER!

Arianne: Haha, anyway. First thing is first. A big hello back to all of our dead characters! It’s great to see you again. NED!

Ned Stark: It’s great to be here, Arianne. Geez, it feels like it’s been forever since Book 1, hasn’t it?

Arianne: Yeah. Wow. I mean you had 15 POV chapters. You were absolutely the hero and main character. And then…? BAM! But enough about the books. How about the show?

Ned Stark: Well, back when I was on the show, the books and the show were nearly identical. So my story is pretty much the same in both.

Arianne: True. It’s sort of fucked up that you lied to your wife about Jon Snow’s identity, isn’t it? She sort of distrusted you and hated Jon his whole life. Don’t you think you could have just told her the truth?

Ned Stark: Well, as we saw from some of the final episodes, it’s possible that she might have that “snitch” gene in her DNA. That could be where Sansa got it from.

Sansa: HEY!!!!!!

Arianne: And speaking of your Lady wife… CAT! What the hell is happening?

Lady Stoneheart: *gurgles blood*

Arianne: Oh, no… no, please. Can you just revert back to Cat Stark for this segment? I don’t know if I can handle the blood gurgling thing.

Cat: Okay, cool.

Arianne: That Red Wedding. So fucked up, right?

Cat: Robb was such a dumbass, wasn’t he?

The audience laughs. Robb Stark was a dumbass.

Arianne: And our LAST dead-in-the-books character (who is not a throwaway Prologue or Epilogue character) is of course my younger brother, Quentyn. Hey bro!

Quentyn: Wait… WHAT?! What do you mean I’m dead in the books?

Arianne: Oh… uhh… damn. I’m getting a little ahead of myself, aren’t I? That’s still a few chapters away.

Quentyn: I… I… erm… AGGHH!!!!

He freaks out and runs away.

Arianne: Hahaha, yeah. That seems like my worthless brother. Just wait to see how fast his ass runs around when he’s being incinerated by a dragon.

Audience laughter.

Arianne: But then again, sometimes dragons burning people to death is no laughing matter. So let’s now talk to Season 8, Episode 5’s biggest villain… the mistress of the face-heel turn, the Mad Queen herself…  Daenerys Targaryen!

Audience: BOOOOO! BOOO!!! WE TRUSTED YOU! SOME OF US NAMED OUR CHILDREN “KHALEESI!”

Dany: Yeah, sorry about that. But you shouldn’t be too surprised. I’ve always been going in that direction.

Arianne: So, incinerating civilians now, isn’t it?

Dany: I guess.

Arianne: Are you pretty confident that this is where you’ll be heading in the books too?

Dany: Maybe. But it will probably be executed better. The books are simply better at having characters with “shades of gray” for their personalities, while the show makes people strictly “good” or “evil.” So when someone flips from one side to the other, it’s really drastic-seeming. I assume it the books my story progression will be handled a little better, especially because I’m a POV character and you can see what’s going on in my mind.

Arianne: Of course, you’re assuming the books will actually ever be finished.

Audience: HAHAHA! SO TRUE!

Dany: Yeah, right Arianne. Gosh I hope they are.

Arianne: Anyway Dany, I’ll get back to you in a minute. Let’s talk about a few more Season 8 deaths. Jaime and Cersei. How are you two doing after last week’s episode?

Jaime: Eh. You know, the books have really been going in a different direction for us than the show. So who knows how close our stories will be to the books. I mean I guess it’s good that we died together.

Cersei: Yeah, and I’m sure a lot of people are disappointed about the “Valonqar” theory stuff not panning out like they had hoped. Although to be fair to the show, that was a book-only prophecy. So you can’t really say the show failed to fulfil the prophecy because it didn’t exist in the show.

Arianne: Good points. Theon, you recently died on the show too. How fucked up is it that you get a redemption story where everyone loves you now after all that horrible shit you did in Book and Season 2… and yet now everyone fucking hates Dany after she freed a million slaves?

Theon: I suppose it’s pretty fucked up. But then again I didn’t slaughter an entire city. Well. Actually. I sort of did a little with Winterfell. But it’s a much smaller city, so there’s that.

Arianne: Barristan! You’ve been dead for what seems like FOREVER in the show. But you’re still alive and kicking in the books. What’s up with you?

Barristan: Eh, well it sucked sort of dying early. But then again in the books Dany does have like 4,000 assistants and characters around her. I can see why they slimmed that down and streamlined it for the show. I assume in the books I’m going to fulfil some of the roles that folks like Varys, Tyrion, Grey Worm, and the aged-up Missandei play in the show. Or maybe I’ll just die soon anyways. Who knows?

Arianne: Indeed. Now to talk to a guy like me who missed the TV show cut, Jon Connington! HEY BUDDY! How’s it going?

Jon Connington: Uh, fine I guess. Although like you say, I’m not that emotionally invested in the show because I’m not even in it.

Arianne: They give a lot of your story Mojo from the books to Jorah Mormont. But your main schtick is all that stuff with Young Griff, AKA maybe Aegon Targaryen and the Golden Company. If all the theories about the Golden Company in the books are correct… about Aegon really perhaps being a Blackfyre… wouldn’t that be cool?

Jon Connington: I suppose so. At least the Golden Company would do something in the books. In the show they just… well…

Arianne: Indeed. That was sort of a big letdown, huh?

Cersei: You’re telling me!

The audience laughs.

Dany: Hahaha, sorry. I mean it’s not that hard to predict what would happen there, right? My awesome dragons versus some sellswords on horses?

Arianne: Okay, okay. So we’re doing this blog on the night of the final episode. Let’s cut to the chase. Theories. What do we think is going to happen? Jon… are you the Prince that was Promised or what?

Jon Snow: I dunno. If you divide the books as written so far up chapter-wise, I have the second most chapters after Tyrion. So I’m obviously pretty important.

Arianne: That’s right. Including the 5 published books and the 11 known The Winds of Winter chapters, Tyrion has 49 POV chapters, and you have 42. Rounding out the top 10 are Arya, Dany, Cat, Sansa, Bran, Jaime, Ned and Theon. So are you going to kill Dany or what?

Jon Snow: I dunno. I mean how would I even do that? I mean I obviously could. I could get close to her and just stab her with Longclaw. But then I’d immediately be dead after that. She’s still got Grey Worm with her. And did you see his face in that battle? He was all about committing war crimes against surrendering soldiers. She’s got Dothraki left too. And Drogon is still there. I would be so dead.

Arianne: So is that the ending? You kill her and get killed too? You make a sacrifice for the greater good?

Jon Snow: Guess we’ll have to see. Or somehow I get away. Don’t know how though.

Bran: Maybe I can warg into Drogon and then use him to burn everyone else to death. Then inside of Drogon I just, like, fly myself into a volcano or something and kill myself.

Arianne: Hrm. That would neatly get rid of Dany and all her armies quickly. But I just don’t see that happening. For one it would mean you’d have to do something useful in the show, rather than just sitting there and rolling your eyes back and being a creepy motherfucker who just quotes epic past quotes from the show.

Bran: Yeah, that’s true I guess. And I suppose if I could warg into Drogon, maybe I should have done that last episode to prevent thousands of innocent civilians from dying.

Arianne: Another good theory is that Arya does the deed and kills Dany, what with her awesome face-swap stuff. HEY ARYA! You haven’t talked yet!

Arya: Just politely waiting my turn, Arianne.

Arianne: So you think you’re going to do it?

Arya: Well. Me or Jon. Those are the most popular theories. I hear about one where I kill Grey Worm fist, take his face, and do it. I’m not sure about that. Seems a little black face-ey.

Arianne: Well, GRRM has been a lot more racist than that in the books. And if Jon gets killed… there is also the theory that you sit on the Iron Throne yourself.

Arya: I don’t really think I’d be interested in that.

Arianne: No, you don’t. So are YOU the Prince that was Promised? Is the catspaw dagger Lightbringer? Is Needle Lightbringer? You did kill the Night King, after all.

Arya: I dunno. The Night King isn’t really in the books. There is the Legendary Night’s King from the past, but it’s just a story and it’s not the same. I think the legend of Azor Ahai ending the Long Night made a lot of show watchers assume that the Prince that was Promised is the person who kills the Night King. Again, it’s one of those confusing and muddling the books and show thing. It would definitely be satisfying for me to kill Dany though. I think that’s pretty likely. I mean does Jon even have the balls to do it himself?

Jon: Hey! Come on, sis!

Arya: Technically we're cousins now.

Jon: True. 

Arya: I’m just saying, you’re like dad… “honorable” to a fault that’s so stupid that it will get you killed.

Ned: Yeah, that’s sort of true.

Arya: Jon, you bent the knee to Dany and you’re refusing to betray her. You probably will in the last episode… but when push comes to shove, could you actually stab her to death? You might need me to do it for you.

Arianne: And what about the pale horse you rode out of town on? There is a theory that it was Bran.

Bran: That theory is stupid.

Arianne: I agree. Do you think it intentionally mirrors the pale horse prophecy from the books?

Arya: Probably not. The pale horse thing in the books is clearly just the plague thing in Essos. For this, it’s probably just pale horse = death from the bible. Which is sort of a weird analogy because this is set in a fictional universe that uses a totally different religious system.

Arianne: Well, another person who hasn’t talked is a man we’ve mentioned before as the man with the MOST POV chapters. And that’s despite being left out of an entire book. Given that, he is arguably the main character of the entire book/show. This makes him another viable candidate to be the man who ultimately sits on the Iron Throne. Ladies and gentlemen… TYRION!

They applaud. He’s been sitting there the whole time anyway, but they applaud still.

Tyrion: Thanks Arianne. It’s great to be here.

Arianne: So… what about you on the Iron Throne? Or maybe some combo with you and Sansa? You’re technically legally married. The book series is largely based on the York/Lancaster feud of the War of the Roses, which became the Stark/Lannister feud here. The actual War of the Roses ends with a marriage between the two houses. Maybe you and Sansa could rule together.

Tyrion: Maybe. It seems a bit too neat though. It’s great that I survive to the last episode, but of people remaining to be a final victim of Dany’s newfound cruelty, I’ve got to be a top candidate, right? Me and Davos. I mean how is that guy still alive?

Davos: I'd argue with you, but I can't.

Sansa: Yeah, to follow up on what Tyrion said, I think a lot of people are reading too much into the crypts moment with us. Like we’re really in love or something. I think it was just a nice character moment where we showed some final respect to each other and acknowledged the past.

Arianne: So you think you’re going to die, Tyrion?

Tyrion: I hope not. Although I’d say it’s more likely I’d die than sit on the Iron Throne. I think the show has sort of proven that people are generally terrible and I’d be rejected by them because they see me as a monster based on my physical appearance. When people vilified me in the past, they claimed it was me plotting to have the throne for myself. So I can’t see me actually sitting on the throne as a logical outcome.

Arianne: So no "the dragon has three heads / Tyrion is a secret Targaryen because the Mad King raped Tywin's wife?"

Tyrion: Probably not. At least in the TV show. It's sort of late to pull that now. But who knows in the books?

Arianne: So what about just you alone, Sansa? Your character seems to have evolved from whiny annoying girl to competent manipulator and political player?

Sansa: I’m a little confused as to the “Sansa will sit on the Iron Throne” theory too. I think I’d rather just rule in Winterfell as the lady of Winterfell and disregard the Iron Throne altogether. In fact, maybe that’s the answer. Maybe nobody sits on it and the Seven Kingdoms once again become seven, independent kingdoms.

Arianne: Yeah, that’s another great theory. Maybe the whole story GRRM has been playing with us – “Who will sit on the Iron Throne in the end? Who will win the Game of Thrones?” was all just a red herring and the answer is that NOBODY will sit on the Iron Throne. I like it.  Davos, Sam, Brienne, Asha, Arys, Mel. Whattup? Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you. Do any of you have some thoughts about how the show ends up or your own stories?

Davos: As Tyrion implied, I’m just surprised to even still be alive on the show. Don’t get me wrong or anything, I love that I am. It’s just crazy after everyone else important they’ve killed that I’m still here. Again, maybe like with Tyrion’s thoughts that he could be a goner in the last episode… I could too. Dany kills me and it's sort of the last straw that breaks the camel's back to Jon turning on her. Who knows though? All I know is that I’m pretty sad that Missandei is dead so I can’t be a creeper around her anymore.

Sam: Well, for me... my goodbye with Jon seemed pretty definitive. Which means they’re trying to say “you two will never see each other again.” That means Jon either stays in Kings Landing as king… or he dies. He certainly won’t come back to rule Winterfell, I assume.

Brienne: I’m shockingly still alive too. In the books half of my face has been eaten off by Biter and I’m tricking Jaime into going to get killed by Lady Stoneheart. I really, really, really thought I was going to die in the Battle of Winterfell.

Asha: And I have no idea if I’ll ever be seen again, or if I’m just done. They did mention making Bronn the ruler of Highgarden. Gendry the ruler of Storm’s End. A new ruler of Dorne. Me the ruler of the Iron Isles. Maybe Tyrion having Casterly Rock because his dad was so against it. Sansa at Winterfell. Edmure, if he’s still alive, back at Riverrun? Robin Arryn at the Vale? So maybe they do work in a scene tonight where they have everyone “bend the knee” to the new ruler, whoever that may be. Probably Jon.

Arys Oakheart: I’m just glad to even be included in this panel and not kicked out like the lame Greyjoys and Areo who fucking killed me. Say Arianne, you wanna hook up again tonight? I've missed you.

Arianne: No. Okay, Melisandre?

Mel: I died in a pretty cool way, so I’m good. No idea how all my Azor Ahai prophecy stuff is going to wind up. Will be interesting to see if the Prince that Was Promised or Lightbringer even come up at all.

Arianne: Any final thoughts from around the table? Some last reflections on this TV show because it’s all over. Anything you want to discuss. Any theories or still-open storylines from the show or the books that you’d love to see resolved?  Let me start off with my own… the Sand Snakes. What’s up with them? They’re being sent off by my bad on infiltration missions. That’s pretty cool. Would love to see where that winds up in the books. Ned, how about you go next?

Ned: Uh, I mean my family makes up a good chunk of the POVs in the books. Me. Jon. Arya. Sansa. Cat. Bran. Even if the story wasn’t about me, I think the Starks are really the true heros. So I do hope Dany is defeated and the Starks win. I assume that will be what happens, but I’d really like it if more of them don’t die this last episode, or in the books. The independence theory is cool too. The Starks just rule the north independently. That would be totally fine. I don’t need Jon or Sansa to sit on the throne. If Winterfell is free, that's a big enough win.

Arianne: Cat?

Cat: Well, obviously the Lady Stoneheart think remains unresolved. What am I up to?  Do I kill Jaime? If I don’t then what could he say or do that would convince me to let him go? Oh yeah… I also got that Tom O Sevens guy who has infiltrated the Freys and is killing them. That’s sort of cool. I do wonder if anything will happen with that. Or my brother Edmure. Where is he? What’s up with him? Did Arya free him from the Freys before she killed them all? I bet it won’t be answered though.

Arianne: Dany?

Dany: Well, it was a good ride. Fuck, I don’t want to die and I know a lot of people are pissed off that I’m the 11th Hour baddie for the last two episodes. But it was a great run, wasn’t it? It would be really cool if I didn’t die. But I think I am. They just made me too irredeemable to save. Which is sort of ironic because the allied powers firebombed innocent civilians in World War II and are still the “good guys” and yet I don’t yet to still be good? Fucked up.  

Arianne: Tyrion?

Tyrion: I’m just glad that both the show and this blog left fucking Penny out. Sharkleberry Finn is terrible too, but not as bad as Penny. Also, I hope I live too. By the way. To whoever is sitting on the throne, I will make a great Hand. Or like Asha said, maybe my last F-U to my dad is getting Casterly Rock.

Arianne: Jon?

Jon: I’d like to say that for the books I hope it’s me warging into Ghost after I get stabbed instead of the "Melisandre bringing me back" thing. Me warging into Ghost would be awesome.

Arianne: Bran?

Bran: I am not Bran. I am the Three-Eyed Raven/Crow.

Arianne: Okay, never mind. Forget your ass. Sansa?

Sansa: Yeah… wow. I sure to have a lot I could say. Where the books have left off I’m at a really different place than in the show, so I have no idea what direction I’m going. I’m never married to Ramsay. I’m still with Littlefinger. I just really hope that they’re not setting up that “Lyn Corbray is a pedophile who will rape and kill Robert Arryn” thing like I think they are. And it will be interesting to see what happens with my marriage to Harry the Heir. Is he also terrible and abusive like Ramsay was? What happens to Littlefinger too. There is no way the books do what the TV show did. He's a total creeper towards me and I may end up being involved in killing him similar to the show, but it will be in a different way. Anyway, for the show… I don’t know. I do really want to rule Winterfell and that seems appropriate for me.

Arianne: Arya?

Arya: I just want to kill, like, at least six more people before this show is over. Probably more. Killing people is awesome. Hi Dany!

Arya waves at Dany and Dany flinches.

Arianne: Theon?

Theon: I’m so glad to be dead now. The last several years of my life have sucked.

Arianne: Davos?

Davos: I really wanted to use some of that aphrodisiac, hard dick crab and get it on with Missendei! Haha.

Arianne: Gross.

Davos: But more seriously, my hanging books storyline is now going to Skagos and looking for Rickon. As if anyone cares about non-zig-zaggy Rickon.

Arianne: Jaime?

Jaime: Eh, like Cat said… how do I escape what is, I presume, being led to by death by Brienne to her? On, and the Valonqar stuff too. Do I kill Cersei in the books rather than just hug her while rubble falls?

Arianne: Sam?

Sam: I just want to see if the show ends with me becoming the author of “A Song of Ice and Fire” though, telling the story of the whole thing and writing it down. Oh, and speaking of your Sand Snake cousins… what’s up with Sarella / Alleras? The whole Aemon riddle about the Sphinx and her being called the Sphinx. It seems important. And also what is Jaqen H'ghar doing in the Citadel? All great questions for book-only people. The show won’t address them, but I wanna see.

Arianne: Cersei?

Cersei: *has passed out, drunk on wine*

Arianne: Well, I shouldn’t be too surprised by that. Brienne?

Brienne: The Jaime/me sex thing will TOTALLY not happen in the books. That was absolute fan service. I’m just stating that now. I’m really glad the show didn’t tear off half of my face like the books did though. That was just awful.

Arianne: Asha, Arys, Barristan, Jon, Mel… anything else from any of you?

All of Them: Eh, not really.

Arianne: Well, that was fun. Guess now we just grab some popcorn and see how this fucked up ride goes tonight. We’ll be back on Tuesday with your next regularly scheduled Chapter, A Dance with Dragons 35. And it’s going to be a Dany chapter, by the way.

Dany: OooOoo. So we’re going to probably work in a lot of inside jokes about how the show ends into that blog?

Arianne: Eh. Maybe.

The audience cheers and the credits role. After the credits, Sam Jackson shows up because Sam Jackson always shows up after the credits.

ADwD 35: Jon VII

Jon: Finally, this huge blizzard has ended. I guess that means we at last have a chance to allow these six of these new guys who joined the Night’s Watch and who worship the Old Gods to take their vows. So I guess I better take them up to the godswood, north of the Wall, in order to say the words before the wierwood trees. Just like me and Sam did back in the day.

Bowen Marsh: Whoa, whoa, whoa. NORTH of the Wall? To the Haunted Forest? You’re freaking crazy.

Dolorous Edd: I agree with Marsh here.

Jon: But they need to take their vows.

Bowen: Make them take their vows here at the sept with the rest of the people.

Jon: But the Faith of the Seven isn’t their religion. What good are their vows if they swear them before gods they don’t believe in?

Bowen: The reason that at least two of those people you mean to take with you are following the Old Gods is because they are freaking WILDLINGS. Now you’re proposing to go NORTH of the Wall with them.  And once you’re past the wall you’ll be surrounded by the Wildlings that wouldn’t take the knee to Stannis and decided to remain up there. The ones who just gouged out the eyes of three of our men.  Changes are, you don’t need to worry about those other eye-gouging Wildlings you attacking you up there. Your own recruits are probably going to be the ones to betray you and rejoin their people.

Jon: I’m not scared. I’ve got Ghost with me. Come on boy!

Ghost: *woof* [Translate: Oh, you mean I’m going to actually be featured in this chapter instead of left out, huh? I was starting to think this blog author was cutting me out just like the show is. Maybe you'll leave be behind without even petting me, huh?]

Geez, sorry Ghost.

The party rides out to the godswoods north of the Wall. Along with Jon are Hareth, Arron, Emrick and Satin. The last two recruits Jon looks over at… “Leathers” and “Jax,” the two Wildlings from Mole’s Town who decided to take the black.

Jon: Should I be worried about those two like Bowen said I should? Hrm. I dunno. Of the 63 Wildlings who came with me from Mole’s Town, so far those are the only two who have actually taken the black. Althouh I guess the ratio isn’t that bad when you consider that 19 are girls.

Iron Emmett, the new young Master at Arms for Castle Black, is along for the ride too. He overhears Jon and rides up.

Iron Emmett: So what about those female Wildlings, huh? They’re going to cause insanity on the Wall. We’re not supposed to have women with us for a reason.

Jon: Eh, these northern spearwives can hold their own.  Will guys try to rape them? Sure. But they’ll get their wee-wee’s cut off.  Three men have already been locked up for trying stuff. Besides, we’re trying to keep them segregated in Hardin’s Tower.

Emmett: Oh yeah, the Harlot’s Tower.

Jon: Geez… is that REALLY what people are calling it? So sexist. Anyway, as you know I intend to re-open three more castles along the Wall. Deep Lake, Sable Hall, and Long Barrow. I plan to send all of the Spearwives to Long Barrow and make it an almost all-female fort to avoid any future incidents.

Emmett: Oh man, an all-female fortress on the Wall? The erotic fanfics are practically already writing themselves.

Jon: But they will of course need actual Members of the Night’s Watch to command them. Which is why I plan to send you and Dolorous Edd to watch over them, as Commander and Chief Steward.

Emmett: Oh yeah, two more characters who have been shown to be competent and worthy of your trust. Better SEND THEM AWAY SO YOU CONTINUE TO HAVE NO ALLIES AT CASTLE BLACK.

Jon: Huh?

Emmett: Oh, nothing. I… uhh… quite frankly, I don’t know how I feel about you saying I’m going to an all-female castle. Part of me is horrified by the idea, but the other part of me has the biggest boner.

Jon: Of course we also have the Halleck issue. Halleck is causing a lot of trouble and I should send him off to one of those other castles too. Of course I need to worry about the Thenns as well. I bet they blame me for the death of the last Magnar, Styr. Although I didn’t even kill him. He just fell off that ice wall.

Another person riding out in advance of the group of recruits is Tom Barleycorn, a scout who had been sent out early to make sure that there was no trouble ahead. He rides back to Jon.

Tom: Lord Commander, I went to the godwood and I saw a bunch of Wildlings there. Nine of them, including a giant!

Jon: Well crap. Do you think we have a fight on our hands?

Tom: Maybe. Although they looked more like “weak and pathetic Wildlings seeking shelter” than “we want to fight” Wildlings. But yeah, there is a giant. So we need to play this cool.

Jon and the party approach cautiously and prepare for anything. Well, not anything. If Cersei Lannister jumped out with the Mountain they wouldn’t be prepared for that because it’s highly unlikely and illogical. But they’re prepared for ALMOST anything given the circumstances and facts they currently have before them.

Jon: Okay everyone! Put down your weapons! We mean you no harm!

Giant: Ewfiugfwi gfwiuwr ereg.

Jon: What did the giant say? It looks like he’s just mashing the keyboard.

Leathers:  I speak the Old Tongue. He’s threatening us and saying he’s going to tear off our arms and beat us to death with them.

But the rest of the Wildlings are, as predicted, sick and weary. Three of them appear to already be laying in the snow, dead.

Jon: Tell the giant that we mean them no harm. Tell him that the old gods are our gods too, and we have simply come here to pray.

Leathers: Ikjefwh efgwefu etclwiohfwhl.

Giant: Ofwhww wrih wuf prghbek.

Leathers: Ywfhkgrh?

Giant: Ydllkhf peuffna euwe’eiidh weyewkh!!!

Leathers: HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Giant: HAHAHAHAHA!

Leathers: Ihsdvjkd weewf leefhf’dhdh ieueib!!!

Giant: Pwefoiw zdief Ekgdgd dlkdllkehfel!

Jon: Leathers, what the hell, man? Are you just carrying on a long conversation and telling jokes to each other.

Leathers: Oh, yeah. Sorry, Jon. It’s just that he looked sort of like a Giant I used to know, and we were chatting and it winds up that this guy’s brother went University of Frostfangs with my cousin, Andrew. And so I met this guy’s brother before once when I was hanging out with Andrew. Anyway, his name is Wun Weg Wun Dar Wun. But you can call him “Wun Wun” for short.

Jon: *sigh* IS HE CHILL WITH US?

Leathers: Oh yeah, he’s chill with us. We can worship here at the trees and he won’t rip our arms off.

Jon looks around at the rest of the Wildlings. Beyond the giant there is a Thenn, a woman with a child, and a Hornfoot.  The others are, well, dead… so they don’t matter.

Jon: Go on, let’s say the words.

The new recruits kneel down and say the words.

Everyone: Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.

Jon: Good callback. Anyway, it is done.  But you know what? That stuff about protecting the realms of men? That really got me thinking… it’s our duty to protect ALL men. And women too, sorry. I meant “men” as in “mankind” as in “humankind.” All people, I mean. Including Free Folk. So why don’t you people come with me? I’ll take you back to Castle Black where you can be fed and protected.

Thenn: I hear that the Crows have been burning Wildling refugees alive!

Jon: Not true. FAKE NEWS. We only burn the bodies of those who are already dead so they will not come back as Wights. You have my word that if you come with me, I will protect you.

Leathers also translates this to Wun Wun.

The Wildlings all look at each other.

Wildlings: Sure, why the hell not?

And so they head back to Castle Black, with yet more new people (and mouths to feed).

Jon: Bring the dead bodies too.

Emmett: WHAT?! Why?!

Jon: I want to put them in the Ice Cells.

Emmett: For what reason? Oh wait! Is it because the people of the south don’t believe that Wights exist? And you want these corpses to come back from the dead so that you can lock one up in a box, take it to Kings Landing, and prove that they do exist so that the south will send forces to help?

Jon: That seems like a dumb idea and definitely not anything worth losing a dragon over.

Emmett: Huh?

Jon: What?

Emmett: Never mind.

They get back to the Wall. Of course when Jon gets there, he finds a letter waiting for him with Stannis’s seal.

Jon: Ugh. What does ol’ Grumpypants have to say now? Hrmm. “Dead Jon Snow, I have successfully allied with the mountain clans and Alysane Mormont and taken Deepwood Motte, which was totally my idea by the way. And yes, I said Alysane Mormont. Not Lyanna. My troops number over 5000 strong now and continue to grow. I have learned that Ramsay Bolton is planning to marry your half sister Arya. When I attack Winterfell and kill everyone there, I’ll try to save her if I can and if I feel like it. If she does live, I’ll find her a better match than Ramsay Bolton. But then again that isn’t hard because Ted Freakin’ Bundy would probably be a better match. I’m totes excited about the attack, especially with the help of my new best friends the Karstarks. Ah yes, the totally reliable and trustworthy Karstarks. They’re the best. I think I might have new friends for life with them. Anyway, I’m running out of ink. Bye! –Stannis.”

Jon looks at the letter, which is super weird. But then again, Stannis is weird.

Jon: Hrm. Melisandre saw Arya escaping without Stannis’s help. Do I even need Stannis’s help? Or is this all BS. Maybe the Boltons don’t evn have Arya and the whole thing is a lie. Maybe they’re just SAYING that they have Arya to tempt Stannis to attack Winterfell, where they have a pretty good defensive position. And then there is Mel’s plan with Mance. Mance and six spearwives were sent off to Winterfell in disguise to rescue Arya. This also now seems like a good time to mention something that I have never mentioned before – that as a boy my hero was always Daeron Targaryen, the boy king who conquered Dorne. Isn’t odd that I’m all of a sudden just now name-dropping that I have a Targaryen dragon hero? Almost like I wish I was one. Although if I was one, I suppose I'd be into doing stuff like kissing my aunt. Which would be gross. Although if all my auntie wanted was a kiss or else she'd go crazy and burn down all of Kings's Landing, I suppose I should just suck it up and give her a kiss.

ADwD 34: Bran III

Bran is going a several-month-long training montage with the Three-Eyed Crow.  And while Bran is unable to box against meat hanging in a refrigerated warehouse, nor able to dramatically jog around various landmarks in Philadelphia (on account of his disability), you can assume the training that he’s going through is pretty intense. Especially because of how long it’s taking.

Bran looks up and sees a crescent moon. He sees a full moon. He sees a new moon. He sees a waxing gibbous moon. Not necessarily in that order. I’m just saying, he sees a lot of moons as he’s training. There are a bunch of moon cycles going on. And as each moon cycle lasts 29.53 days, and he sees a lot of these moons over and over again, you can rest assured that quite some time has been passing with Bran learning.

Bran: Wow, I’m learning stuff. This is cool.

Leaf: It sure is. I guess.

Bran: Hey, is calling you all “Children” insulting to you?

Leaf: It sort of is. Our actual name is Defvljkhveflkj’hvf’ojkohfv.

Bran: Are you sure? Because it looks like someone just mashed a keyboard.

Leaf: Maybe someone mashed a keyboard. Maybe someone didn’t. The point is, that in the language of your people, that roughly translates to “Those Who Sing the Song of Earth.”

Bran: Okay, that’s really long too. So I’m just going to keep calling you all “Children.”

Leaf: *sigh* Whatever.

Bran: Say, why are you the only one I talk to?

Leaf: Oh, because I’m the only one of the “Children” who can speak your common tongue.  I took it as an elective back in High School. All the rest of the children were doing stuff like Valyrian, Old Tongue, Ghiscari, Klingon, Esperanto, and Balto-Slavic.

Bran: I’d figure you could all just use your magic to speak all the languages or something. Like use your Greenseer skills or something.

Leaf: We’re not all Greenseers. For this is the last Greenseer.

She points at the Three-Eyed Crow.

Bran: Wait… he's the last? But aren’t I a greenseer… sort of? Isn’t Jojen?

Three-Eyed Crow: No. Jojen just gets high a lot and makes up stuff.

Bran: Yeah, I suppose I always sort of knew that in my heart. Say, Three-Eyed Crow. We don’t talk much. Tell me a little about yourself.

Three-Eyed Crow: Well, my name is Brynden. Brynden Rivers. Or it was back when I was not a person who lived inside of a tree.

Bran: Haha, wow. You have a name very similar to Ser Brynden Rivers, who in his day was nicknamed "Lord Bloodraven." Have you heard about him? He was the bastard son of King Aegon IV Targaryen, aka "Aegon the Unworthy," with his sixth mistress, Melissa Blackwood. Remember that king? He's the terrible one that Tyrion was talking about in that chapter when he was droning on about the Golden Company. He legitimized his bastards and basically caused the Blackfyre Rebellion after his death due to a secession crisis. Lord Bloodraven was one of those bastards that was legitimized, just like Daemon I Blackfyre and Aegor "Bittersteel" Rivers. Only while many of the other bastards are associated with joining team Blackfyre, Lord Bloodraven remained loyal to the crown and to Aegon the Unworthy's "true born" heir,  Daeron Targaryen. He even lost an eye fighting against the Blackfyres. But after the Targaryen faction won, he continued to rise up and become powerful.  He was even the original Varys-like character, becoming the Master of Whisperers at Kinsg Landing. People used to ask, "How many eyes does Lord Bloodraven have?" That was a really messed up question to ask because he lost an eye in the war, defending it. Like when Saturday Night Live made fun of Dan Crenshaw. Just not cool. But I digress. Anyway, the answer to the question  was "A thousand eyes, plus one." Referring kind of douche-ily to his one remaining eye, but also the thousand other eyes of the spies he controlled. It was sort of cool. But he wasn't just Master of Whisperers, as he was also elevated to become Hand of the King during the reign of his nephew, Aerys I Targaryen, and then later Maekar I Targaryen.  However, after Maekar's death in 233 After Conquest (AC), there was a question of who the heir would be. A Great Council was called to determine who would take the throne. Aenys (I think it's pronounced "Anus") Blackfyre, a son of Daemon I Blackfyre, was one of those candidates, and Lord Bloodraven was not happy with that at all. By this time there had been THREE Blackfyre rebellions which Lord Bloodraven had fought against. So the story goes Lord Bloodraven wanted to end the Blackfyre line for once and all and invited Aenys to participate... BUT THEN HAD HIM MURDERED! Needless to say, people didn't think this was cool and he was arrested. Eventually he was allowed to take the Black and join the Night's Watch.  It only took about six year after that until he was elevated to the position of Lord Commander. However, he went on a ranging mission beyond the Wall in 252 AC and never returned.

Three-Eyed Crow: *blinks, annoyed*

Bran: Wait... was that a blink or a wink? I can't tell because you only have one high.

Three-Eyed Crow: Are you done yet?

Bran: Done with what? The story? Yeah, I guess beca-OHHHHHH HOLY SHIT! YOU ONLY HAVE ONE EYE! YOU'RE THAT BRYNDEN RIVERS!

Three-Eyed Crow: Jesus Christ, that took you a while to figure out.

Bran: Dude, you're like a 125 years old. 

Leaf: The powers here have allowed him to live a much longer lifespan than most humans.

Bran: Well, that’s sort of cool I guess. But do I really want to live a long lifespan if I have to be part-tree?

Jojen: *sigh* Life sucks, man.

Bran: Well that was a non-sequitur. Why are you so down, Jojen? Is it because you ran out of weed and it’s too cold up here to grow any more?

Jojen: A little, man. But it’s, like, you know, the trees remember things, man. They remember the secrets of life. They will remember us after we’re all long dead and gone.

Bran: Geez, what a Debbie Downer you’ve become. Stop talking about death, dude. Maybe you don’t have to die! You can become a REAL Greenseer like me.

Jojen: No way, dude. My part in this story is done. I’ve served my part, and now it’s time to just die. I know it, man. I know it.

Bran: Sorry about my friend Jojen, everyone. I think he has the seasonal affective disorder with all this cold weather.

The Children start to make Bran a little stick/tree throne of his own to sit on, which seems cool if you don’t think about the fact that they probably want to turn him into a tree man.

Three-Eyed Crow: Now I will teach you how to warg into ravens and shit. It’s pretty cool. Remember that whole “you will fly” line? Yeah. Awesome, right?

Bran: Oh, is that what you meant by teaching me to fly? Just warging into ravens? Because that seems pretty simply since I already figured out how to Warg into Summer and Hodor on my own. I could have probably figured out ravens and crows and shit too.  I thought by teaching me to fly, you meant I’d get to ride one of Dany’s three dragons or something. 

Three-Eyed Crow: No. Now come on. Let’s warg some more.

Bran enters into the spirits of the trees and all that. He senses life all around him. He then enters a raven, but he feels someone else in there.

Bran: Whoa, what’s all that life I feel?

Three-Eyed Crow: Oh, you know. It’s just other Children of the Forest who, over the millennia, had previously been inside of these birds.

Bran: Shit, how old are these ravens?

Three-Eyed Crow: Every time you warg into an animal, you leave a little of yourself behind. So your soul is mixing in with all of theirs.

Bran: This sort of feels like being the last guy in line at an Annabel Chong gangbang. I'm not even getting sloppy seconds. This is sloppy 300ths.

Jojen: The Children, like, totally think the life you’re feeling is the old gods, bro. When they die… they all join the godhood and become one with the gods, man. Far out.

Bran: WHAT?! When they die?! What the hell? Do you guys want me to die and become part of this freaky godhood?!

Meera: JOJEN! Stop saying stuff like that to Bran! You’re freaking him out.

Jojen: It’s not Bran who needs to be afraid.

Meera: …

Bran: …

Leaf: …

Bran: God, Jojen. You’re getting more and more cryptic.

Leaf: So anyway, to break the tension here, let me tell you all about the history of my people. There used to be a ton of us. But them mankind showed up and started murdering us all. Just like with the giants and the unicorns and stuff. Now there are so few of us, people believe we’re a myth.

Bran: So then you created the White Walkers to kill mankind in revenge… only the whole thing backfired and now the White Walkers want to kill everything and end all life? The White Walkers represent death itself and the Three-Eyed Crow represents knowledge… and knowledge is life, and therefore the White Walkers want to defeat the Three-Eyed Crow?

Leaf: Ugh. You’ve been watching too much TV, man. No. Look, can I tell my story or not?

Bran: *shrug* I guess. We’re not going anywhere. We’re just montaging here for months on end.

Later, Meera and Jojen go exploring the caves.

Meera: Technically, it’s called “spelunking.”

Fine. They go spelunking.

Bran: Awww! But I want to go too!

Three-Eyed Crow: But you can’t. You need to stay here and train more. Also you can’t walk so you literally can’t.

Bran: Hahaha, we’ll see about that!

Bran wargs into Hodor and follows Meera and Jojen. They turn around and look.

Meera: Do you think that’s just Hodor being dumb and curious by following us… or do you think that Bran has warged into him and is following us like a creeper?

Jojen: There is no way to tell for sure. Let’s ask him a question. Hey, Hodor! What’s four plus two!

Hodor/Bran: Uhhh… Hodor?

Meera: So does that clear things up for us or not?

Jojen: I… don’t… know.

So Hodor just continues to follow them. Hodor used to fight it when Bran entered him (heh), but now he just gives up. Bran can feel Hodor retreat into a corner of his own being, balled up and afraid while Bran takes over.

Bran/Hodor: No one must know I am doing this to Hodor. Because everyone can clearly tell that it’s a pretty messed up thing that I’m doing.

At the end of one cave, Bran/Hodor sees a bunch of other Children of the Forest, these guys are all tangled up in tree roots just like Brynden.

Bran/Hodor: Freaky, man! I mean, ermm, “Hodor.”

Bran feels that one day he’ll be just like them. Surrounded by tree. It freaks him out.  He tries to tell himself that being a greenseer is just as awesome as his childhood dream of becoming a knight. But it’s not. Who wants to be a tree?

Later, probably another couple of moon cycles after, Jojen gets even more depressed and mopey. Apparently he has seen his own death in his green dreams, and yet won’t do anything to prevent it.

Bran: Maybe I should warg into Hodor and hug Meera. No wait. That would literally be the creepiest thing I have ever done. And I am the king of creepy now.

Meera runs off before Bran can either creep on her, or say some encouraging words.

Another few months pass. More montages. More moons.

Three-Eyed Crow: Okay, it’s time!

Bran: Time for what?

Leaf: Here, eat this weirwood seed paste. It’s, like, magical and stuff.

Bran: How so?

Three-Eyed Crow: It will wed you to the trees.

Bran did want to be married to a tree… but who else would wed a broken boy like hi—

Bran: —Wait! Wait! Did the narrator just say Bran “did” want to be married to a tree?

Uhh… yes. It looks like I did.

Bran: But it doesn’t even make sense in the context of the sentence. That clearly meant to say Bran DIDN’T, yet it says DID. Jeez. ANOTHER blatant editing error in the book? Hell, was this thing even edited?

Three-Eyed Crow: Whatever, stop bitching. Eat this paste. It will help you see visions.

Bran: Why didn’t you just give this to me in the beginning? You spent months and months doing training for me in order to see visions. But apparently this whole time, all I had to do is eat the paste from these tree seeds and I’d get the powers?

Leaf: Indeed, honestly life is just as boring for us up here as it is for you. We figured we’d just stretch things out for a while for our own entertainment.

The Three-Eyed Crow shakes his head at Leaf, disapproving of the honestly.

Leaf: Uhh… ermm… I mean the powers were always in you, Bran! In your blood. This will just help you reveal them. Yeah.

Bran: *grumble* You still could have given it to me months ago.

Bran takes a taste of the paste. The first taste is gross.

Bran: Nasty, this tastes like Jojen’s tube socks.

Then he has another taste.

Bran: Hrmm, the second spoon is better. This one is sort of like grapefruit. You know, a little bitter… but passable.

The third spoonful is even better than the first two.

Bran: OMG… is this Cinnamon Toast Crunch? This tastes amazing!

He quickly swallows down the whole bowl.

Three-Eyed Crow: Now, slip from your body. Don’t be Brandon Stark. Go into the trees.

Bran closes his eyes and goes into the trees. But not just any tree. He opens his eyes, and he sees that he’s the trees in the godswood of Winterfell.

Bran/Tree: HOLY CRAP! Winterfell!  OH HELL! Is that MY DAD?!

Bran sees Ned Stark.

Bran/Tree: Dad! DAD!

Ned Stark hears something in the wind as he kneels in the godswood. But Bran freaks out and retreats back to the cave.

Bran: My dad, he’s still alive!

Leaf: No. He’s dead.

Three-Eyed Crow: For trees, time works different. They can see the past, the present and the future, all at once. You know, it's like the quantum realm in Avengers: Endgame and shit.

Bran: But he heard me! I called out for him and he looked up!

Three-Eyed Crow: Maybe he sensed something, but you can’t really communicate with him like that. Don’t worry in time you’ll be able to see far beyond the trees themselves. But for today, you’ve probably had enough of a lesson. You should go to bed.

Bran: Okay.

Bran goes to sleep. But instead of dreaming, he’s back in the godswood at Winterfell once more. He sees his father again, but this time he’s younger.

Bran/Tree: Dad! Dad! DAD!

His father appears to look up at him, but Bran realizes that his father is just looking at the rustling of leaves.

Ned: Now where was I? Oh right. *ahem* Let them grow up as close as brothers, with only love between them and let my lady wife forgive me.

Bran: Oh yeah! Is this more vision reading time? Okay, let me figure this vision out. Okay… okay… that’s my dad talking about people growing up “as close as brothers” meaning that they’re not actually brothers. This Jon Snow = not actually Robb’s brother because he’s a secret cousin. And dad won’t tell mom because the vow he made to aunt Lyanna. Okay. Next!

Bran sees a girl and a younger boy, play fighting with branches.

Bran: Aunt Lyanna and maybe my dad as even younger kids, I assume. It’s possible that it could be Uncle Benjen instead of my dad though.

A pregnant woman coming out of a black pool and praying for a son to avenge her.

Bran: This is harder. It seems we’re going further back in time at every vision though. So probabably my grandma or great grandma. I need more context to be sure though.

A slender girl, kissing a tall knight.

Bran: A young version of Old Nan, kissing Ser Duncan the Tall. He was the one who escorted Brynden Rivers, AKA Lord Bloodraven, AKA the Three-Eyed Crow, up to Castle Black to take the Black. Obviously must have stopped by Winterfell on the way. Guess I better read those damn Dunk & Egg prequel short stories.

A pale, dark-eyed youth cutting tree branches and shaping them into arrows.

Bran: No clue. Probably just some Stark from ages ago.

Bearded men and a white-haired woman committing a sacrifice by slitting a captive’s neck open with a sickle.

Bran: Well, Old Nan used to tell me that back in the day we northerners committed blood sacrifice. So this is probably be diving back really far into the past.  So it’s sort of like I… uhh… MmmMmmm… I can actually taste the blood from that guy’s neck now. Like, the blood is spilling onto the ground and into the tree roots and since I'm a tree now I can taste it. Crazy. But also delicious.