ASoS 56: Bran IV

Bran, Hodor, and the Reeds have arrived at the Nightfort, which is an old, abandoned castle on the Wall.

Bran: Oh, this place is creeping me out. My and summer… we had a terrible dream about Robb and Grey Wind.

Jojen: Man, like… you don’t need to worry about it, bro. Dreams are just… like… dreams, dude.

Bran: Oh, that’s reassuring.

Jojen: Oh… did I say just dreams? I mean… like… they’re totally prophetic and represent visions of reality.

Bran: Ugh. I hate you Jojen. Why don’t you go smoke your jazz cabbage somewhere else and leave me alone?

Meera: Why are you so unnerved and on edge here, Bran? You seem really freaked out all of a sudden.

Bran: Well, this is the Nightfort. Old Nan told me all sorts of horrible stories about it when I was growing up. This place is totally cursed. For instance, there is this legendary tale about the Rat Cook.

Jojen: Oh man… I remember him! I used to get high and watch him on Ninja Turtles!

Bran: NO! That was the RAT KING! The Rat Cook is this cook that lived here years and years ago at the Nightfort. He served the Andal King a pie made of bacon and the King’s own son. You see, he had killed the King’s son in revenge for something he thought the king had done to him. And the gods were VERY ANGRY about this. They weren’t angry about the murder or the cannibalism. They were angry because the cook had DEFIED THE HONORED TRADITION OF GUEST RIGHTS.

Meera: Hrm. GUEST RIGHTS. Interesting that you bring that up. Please tell me more about GUEST RIGHTS.

Bran: Well, you see the cook had invited the prince into his home as a GUEST.  Then he murdered him. You can NEVER MURDER SOMEONE AFTER YOU INVITE THEM TO YOUR PLACE AS A GUEST OR HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE THINGS WILL HAPPEN TO YOU AND YOU WILL FOREVER BE CURSED.

Jojen: *smokes weed in corner*

Meera: Ah, I see. I wonder why we’re bringing this concept up right now.

Bran: Because that’s why I’m scared by this place. It’s cursed. Maybe the Rat Cook’s ghost still wanders these halls!

Meera: Why do they call him a rat cook? I don’t see what the rank link to this story is. He’s a human that cooks another human and feeds him to a third human. I see no rats in this story.

Bran: Oh. I think the gods turned him into a rat afterwards or something as punishment. Which explains why there are so many rats that live here now.

Meera: Or maybe there are a bunch of rats here because it’s an old, abandoned structure that’s safe from the elements which is an ideal location for rats to breed.

Bran: No. That’s stupid. The more logical answer is my version of the story where a guy gets turned into a rat and then dies and haunts the place down in the cellar.

Hodor: AGHHH!! HORRIFYING! I am quite apprehensive of apparitions, I’ll have you know. While I know I should be enlightened enough not to believe in such superstition, a part of my being still cannot help but be unnerved by such tales!

Jojen: Whatever. We came to this place in order to cross the Wall. I saw it in a vision. This is where we have to cross. But the gate is sealed.

Bran: Yeah, it’s been sealed since the place was abandoned by the watch 200 years ago. We should have never come here. We should have gone to the safety of Castle Black where my brother, Jon is. I saw him, you know! When I was in Summer I saw Jon!

Meera: Hahaha, that’s funny because the last chapter was just about a giant war happening there. It’s not safe at all there.

Jojen: Yeah. Don’t you remember the Wildlings chasing after him? And they shot Summer.

Bran: Oh right. Summer got shot by the Wildlings, but then Meera nursed him back to health. Thanks. I almost forgot about all that exposition about events which occurred between my last POV chapter and this one. Anyway. The only castles that are still open to cross are Castle Black, Eastwatch, and the Shadow Tower. We can’t get through here. It's more closed for business than a married woman's legs.

Meera: Maybe we should just climb the wall here then.

Bran: Oh yeah, thanks for bringing up CLIMBING in front of me. Thanks a lot. It’s not like that’s a sore spot for me.

Meera: Sorry. I should still climb it to check things out anyway.

Jojen: Right, sis. And while you check out things from above… I’m going to GET DOWN!

Bran: And by that I assume you mean smoke more weed ?

Jojen: No. I mean we should go DOWN while she’s looking UP. Maybe we’ll find some secret passage or something in the cellars.

Bran: Oh. I see. Are you SURE you want to go in the cellars? Didn’t I just tell you that this place was haunted by ghosts of a rat cook? And that’s not the ONLY ghost story here! There are OTHER ghost stories too! Like the one about the 79 deserters who—

Jojen: Is the 79 deserters story somehow relevant to any major plot points like how the guest rights thing is relevant?

Bran: No.

Jojen: Then let’s just skip it and search for some type of secret passage to cross the wall.

They explore for several hours, and Bran is happy that they only find regular rats and not evil ghost rat cooks.  Eventually, Meera rejoins them.

Meera: Hey, there were great views up there on the Wall. I could see SO FAR! But there is no way over it for a cripple boy, that’s for sure.

Jojen: Well there MUST BE some sort of way to pass through the Wall here. I know it! One of my green dreams told me!

Bran: So we’re really looking for a place to gross just because you had a vision when you goy high?

Jojen: Yes!

Bran: *sigh*… This is dumb and boring. Let me tell you another story now. This story is about the NIGHT’S KING!

Meera: Oooh! Night’s King! Interesting! You have my attention!

They all grab popcorn and listen to Bran tell this story.

Bran: Well, once upon a time in the age of heroes, there was a Lord Commander of the Night’s Watch. He was the 13th Lord Commander and he fell in love with one of the Others and they had hot sex.  Although I suppose it might have been cold sex. After that, he brought her back here to the Nightfort and declared himself King and his Other Wife a Queen. He ruled this castle and controlled the Night’s Watch for 13 years before the Starks decided to make peace with the Wildlings in order to take him down. Brandon the Breaker, the King of Winter, and Joramun, the King-Beyond-the-Wall, finally allied with one another and freed the Night’s Watch from his rule.  But is he really dead? Maybe… maybe not! Maybe he’s still alive to this day… OoOooOoooooo!!!!

Meera: Oh. Is that all? That’s the story of the Night’s King? I thought it would be something about him being one of the First Men that was captured by the Children of the Forest and turned into the very first White Walker by having a dragonglass dagger stabbed into his heart.

Bran: No, that’s dumb. Why would they do that?

Meera: To get revenge against all the First Men for killing the weir trees and conquering their lands. But then the White Walkers would have gotten out of control afterwards and stuff. Because they’d start touching babies and would turn their eyes blue to build up their ranks.

Bran: Seems a bit convoluted. Anyway, I’m tired.

Jojen: Well, let’s go to sleep in the kitchen then.

Bran: The kitchen where THE RAT COOK lived?! I THINK NOT!

Jojen: But there is a well there and maybe we can get some water to drink or something.

Bran: Ugh. So they go to the kitchen and Bran tries to get some sleep.

Voice from Well: OoOoooo!!! It is I, the RAT COOK! I HAVE COME BACK TO KILL YOU ALL!

Bran: AGGHH!!!! AGHH!!!!!!!

A fat man in black clothes then jumps out of the Well.

Fat Man: Hahaha, I’m just fucking with you guys. I’m not really the Rat Cook. I just heard Bran complaining about him and telling the story. I’ve got really good hearing and this well has some amazing acoustics in it. I could open up a recording studio in here since the sound quality is so good.

Bran: Who the fuck are you?

Fat Man: Oh, I’m Sam. Samwell Tarly.

Meera: KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Meera throws a net on Sam and stabs him with a knife.

Sam: OW! What the hell?! I’m just a guy!

Meera: Oh. Sorry.

Meera tries to un-stab Sam, but then remembers that that’s not actually a thing.

Sam comes out of the well and a girl follows him with a baby.

Gilly: Hi, I’m Gilly.

Baby: *baby noises*

Bran: Try to not stab them too, Meera.

Meera: *rolls eyes*

Jojen: Where the heck did you guys come from?

Sam: Craster’s Keep.

Gilly: Hey! Are you “The One?”

Jojen: WHAT?! Am I THE ONE?! Who told you that? Is someone snitching on me? Are you guys cops? If Leroy told you that you can buy some stuff from me, he’s a liar! I ain’t got no product on me!

Sam: No, no! We’re not cops. Well. I’m in the Night’s Watch… so I’m a sort of a cop. But no, our friend Coldhands sent us through the Wall here and said that he was trying to find “The One.” He’s apparently been on this giant quest to fine The One.

Bran: Tell him to go to Blockbuster Video. They should have a copy of The One. Tell him to look in the “Action” section because it’s a 2001 film where Jet Li travels between alternate universes and fighting 124 versions of himself until he can become the only one left. It’s sort of a mashup between Sliders and The Highlander. It was originally supposed to star The Rock, but he had to drop out in order to play the Scorpion King.

Jojen: Is that anything like a rat king?

Bran: It’s Rat COOK! COOK!!!!!!

Sam: Anyway, our buddy Coldhands said that if we came to this Castle, we’d be able to find “The One.” But he wasn’t talking about a DVD and I’m pretty sure Blockbuster isn’t a thing anymore. He must have been talking about one of you.

Bran: I’m not sure if I can trust you, since you’re a stranger. I’ll let my wolf decide.

Bran calls for Summer, who enters the scene. Summer sniffs Sam and then licks him.

Bran: Oh good! Summer didn’t viciously tear you apart and murder you. I guess that means you’re trustworthy.

Sam: Uhhh… Yay?

Bran: So you came from the other side of the Wall?

Sam: Yeah. There is totally a secret passage through this well.

Bran: Wait… I’m not sure your story checks out. What’s on the other side of the secret passage?

Sam: A study.

Bran: Okay, never mind. Your story checks out. There is ALWAYS a study on the other side of the secret passage from the kitchen.  Just like he lounge always leads to the conservatory.

Meera: Well, I’m just glad we’ve finally moved on from endless goddamn Oregon Trail jokes about fording rivers and instead gone to Clue jokes.

Bran: Don’t explain the joke, Meera. It’s condescending to the reader and it makes it less funny.

Jojen: HEY EVERYONE! Did I tell you my dream was true or what? See? There is a secret passage to get to the other side of the Wall, just like in my vision! Sam, you need to take us to the other side of the Wall!

Sam: Ugh. Why would you want to go to the other side of the Wall? That’s where we’re escaping from.

Bran: I have to meet the Three-Eyed Crow!

Sam: Ah, I see. So you’re all a bunch of crazy potheads.

Bran: NO!

Meera: NO!

Hodor: Negative, good ser!

Jojen: Yeah, sort of.

Sam: Well, I guess you guys want to go that way and also this Coldhands guy seems to want someone to go that way too. Maybe he’s talking about you. Whatever. I guess I could lead you back there using vaguely described “magic” that makes it so that only I, a Member of the Night’s Watch, can pass through the hidden door in the secret passage. 

Bran: Why does magic have to be added into the ability to cross this gate?

Sam: I dunno. Maybe as some lame excuse to explain why people don’t pass through the gate all the time.

Bran: Shouldn’t the fact that it’s a SECRET PASSAGE that nobody knows about already be enough to explain why nobody passes through it on a regular basis? Why do we have to add some MAGIC GATE that only Members of the Nights Watch can use?

Sam: *shrugs*

Bran: Especially if GRRM is already going to add plot elements like, “Oh yeah, Wildlings climb over the Wall all the time without being detected. Mance did it once because he was bored and wanted to pretend to be a musician when King Robert visited Winterfell.”

Sam: Yes. I’ll admit the whole thing sounds pretty dumb. So do you want to shut up and let me take you to the other side of the Wall or not?

Bran: Yes.

Sam: Okay then. Gilly will stay here with the baby in the castle while I show you unaccompanied minors across the wall to a deadly land of winter and hand you off to a stranger who rides an elk and is probably a dead person that’s half Other. Seems reasonable.

Jojen: Yes. I’m sure we’ll be safe. After all, we might be unaccompanied minors near a border wall… but at least there are no ICE and Border Patrol Agents here to throw us in cages! AM I RIGHT, PEOPLE?!

Jojen looks to get a high five for his savvy political humor. But everyone just shakes their heads back and forth because this wasn’t an appropriate time to try to pull off some political humor that was a bit of a stretch anyway.

And so Sam leads the kids through the magical secret passage.  They get to a wooden door with a weirwood face on it.

Sam: This is the magic door. A member of the Nights Watch has to say the magic words in order for it to open.

Meera: Or… since it’s wooden… I guess LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE could just cut through it with an axe.

Sam: Yeah, I suppose.

ASoS 55: Jon VII

In the distance, Jon sees that Mole’s Town is on fire.

Jon: Well, it’s a good thing all those whores aren’t on fire! Since I rode back here on my horse and warned everyone that the Wildlings were attacking from the South, now we’re all prepared to fight. We even had time to warn the residents of Mole’s Town. Now many of them have taken refuge here at Castle Black.

Donal Noye: Okay, that’s a lot of great plot exposition there dropped into a paragraph to help move the plot forward. Good. I’ll try to help out with that too.  Jon, even though you’re still injured pretty bad, I will reluctantly agree to assign you to fight with the archers up on the King’s Tower. Hey, our options are pretty limited here. So we’ll have to fight even though you’re injured and half the Night’s Watch think you’re a traitor and don’t believe that “the Halfhand sent me on a secret mission to infiltrate the Wildlings” story.

Jon: Great! I think an awesome battle is about to begin. I hope Ygritte doesn’t take part in the fighting.

Noye: Who is Ygritte?

Jon: Uh. Never mind. I meant for that to be an internal thought. Anyway… any response to those birds we went out, asking for help?

Noye: No. And even if anyone did respond--which they won’t--no way would they make it here in time.

They wait several days, anticipating the Wildling attack from the south at any minute. Finally, one night it begins and the Wildlings start attacking.
Jon: There they are! Let’s start shooting!

Satin: OKAY!

Jon: Wait… who the hell is Satin?

Satin: I’m a pretty, effeminate boy whore that’s now in the Night’s Watch.

Jon: Oh. Did you just come from Mole’s Town?

Satin: No. I was a prisoner in Gulltown. But I think I’m supposed to have come from Oldtown or something. I was actually brought here before the great ranging and—

Jon: --Boring. I already don’t care. Just shoot Wildlings with arrows.

Satin: Fair enough.

Jon and Satin start shooting their arrows at Wildlings.  Jon feels SORT OF messed up that he has to kill these guys who he used to travel with. But then again he always knew it would come to this, which is why he tried to not befriend any of them. Especially the guys who were with the Magnar of Thenn. Fuck those guys! He’s specifically looking for The Magnar so that he can shoot him.

Jon sees someone with long, red hair run by. He aims his arrow, but can’t shoot.

Jon: I… I just can’t. Maybe it’s Ygritte!

Satin: Aww… can’t “shoot your arrow,” huh Jon? As a boy whore, I know all about guys who have that kind of problem. It’s okay and perfectly natural.

Jon: Shut up. See. This is why the TV show replaced you with that stupid Olly kid.

Satin: Oh. There is no Olly in the books?

Jon: Nope. He's sort of a merger of you and a couple other characters.

The Thenns continue their raid and a bunch of buildings are set on fire. The Thenns start to attack the keep when Jon realizes they are running out of arrows.

Jon: I need to get some more arrows! Watch this area here, Satin.

But as Jon goes to get arrows, a trap door to the parapet of the King’s Tower opens and wildlings begin to burst though.

Jon pulls out Longclaw and stabs the first one to pop out from the door.

Satin: Oh man. They’re going to get up here! I wish we had one of those hot pots of boiling oil to pour on raiders coming after us from below! You know… like they have in EVERY medieval fantasy series and movie. But then again, I assume that would be a bit cliché and derivative or something like that. GRRM probably wouldn’t go for such lazy writing in a “storming the castle” scene, would he?

Jon: Uhh… actually, there is a pot of boiling oil right there, Satin.

Satin: Ah. I see.

They tip over the pot of boiling oil through the trap door and scald all the Thenn raiders trying to get up to death.
Thenns: AGHHH!!!!!! HOT BOILING OIL!!!! WE SHOULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING!

Jon: Yes. I suppose you should have.

They then throw the heavy, but now empty, pot on top of the trap door so it can’t be reopened from below.  Jon grabs some more arrows and then rejoins the battle.
Jon: Oh no! Now look! Our brothers are being overwhelmed by the raiders! I think the gate is almost lost.

But there is nothing they can do but shoot. So they keep shooting their arrows and killing whoever they can. Jon sees the Magnar yelling orders to his men in the chaos at the bottom of some steps to the gate.  He lights an arrow on fire and points it… but not towards the Magnar… he points it at the steps.

The flaming arrow reaches the steps and they immediately catch on fire.

Magnar: HEY! WHAT THE--?! OH! Why it looks like someone hid a whole bunch of oil and tinder under the steps here! Why would anyone do that? That seems like a pretty dangerous place to keep… oh… oh wait… I get it now.

He and his Thenns begin to run up the steps, since the steps below them are on fire.

Then the Night’s Watch send flaming arrows to the steps ABOVE the Magnar and his men. They catch on fire too, as oily rags, tinder and CSL Brand Chimney logs have also been placed there.

Magnar of Thenn: Hrm. The steps are on fire BELOW us and ABOVE us. That’s not good. Well, I suppose that puts us in quite the perdicam—AGHHHH!!!!!! AGGHH!!!! WELL I SUPPOSE THIS IS BETTER THAN BEING SMASHED IN THE HEAD WITH A HAMMER! AGHHH!!!

He and his men start burning to death and the steps break apart and collapse, sending him to his fiery grave below.

Jon: SCORE! That was awesome. Although I guess killing him with a hammer could also have been cool.

The battle is pretty much won after that.  As the smoke and fires begin to settle down, Jon decides to go around and check out all the dead Wildling bodies.
Jon: Boy, I sure hope Ygritte wasn’t here!

Jon then sees Ygritte laying on the ground, with an arrow in her chest.

Jon: DAMNIT!

Ygritte: *cough*cough*  Oh… hi there, asshole.

Jon: YGRITTE! YOU’RE STILL ALIVE!  I--I’m going to get you medical attention! You’ll be better! I swear!

Ygritte: *cough*cough* We should have never left that sex cave.

Jon: Yeah, I know. Right? It was pretty good. But you’ll be okay! I promise you!

Ygritte: *cough* You… know… nothing… J--ugghhh…

She dies.

Jon: Juuugghhh what? WHAT WAS SHE GOING TO SAY? JUGHEAD? Was she going to start talking about Jughead from that Archie TV show on the CW?

Satin: You mean “Riverdale?”

Jon: Yeah, I guess that’s the name of it. Whatever. I’ve never really watched it though. That chick on it is hot.

Satin: Which chick?

Jon: The brunette.

Satin: That’s Veronica. She’s played by Camila Mendes.

Jon: Whatever. She’s hot.

Satin: I thought you had a thing for redheads or something.

Jon: Eh. I guess I could go for a brunette as well.

Satin: What about a platinum blonde?

Jon: I’m not sure.

Satin: What if the platinum blonde was your aunt?

Jon: Eww. Gross. No! I would never sleep with an aunt.

Satin: What if your aunt looked like this?

Satin pulls out his iPhone and shows Jon Snow a picture of Emilia Clarke.

Jon: Then yes. 

Aemon: Hey! That’s my great, great niece you’re talking about there.

Jon: Oh, sorry

Aemon: Nah, it’s okay. I forgive you since you’re my great, great, great nephew.

Jon: Huh?

ASoS 54: Davos V

At the Chamber of the Painted table, King Stannis, Davos and the leadership team listen to Davos's pirate buddy, Sallador Saan, who is relaying the story of the Red Wedding.

Sallador: Oh yeah. So they took Robb Stark, right. And they cut his fucking head off with a hacksaw. And then they did the same to his wolf, Grey Wind. And then they sewed the wolf's head on HIS body. And then they put a crown on it and had him sit in a chair like that was his throne. And CAT STARK. Oh Jesus... they slit her neck right open and threw her ass in the river! IN THE RIVER! Like for alligators and shit!

Davos: I believe they're called "lion lizards" in this fictional universe.

Sallador: Whatever.

Davos: Come on... you don't beliee all this, do you? Sounds like exaggeration.

Sallador: No way man. It's all real! My buddies wouldn't lie. Those Freys and Boltons are some FUCKED UP sickos. I can't believe they flouted guest rights like that! Surely they're cursed for all of time!

Melisandre: It's a miracle! A miracle from R'hllor!

Queen Selyse: ALL PRAISE THE LORD OF LIGHT!

Axell Florent: PRAISE! A MIRACLE! A GIFT FROM OUR GREAT GOD!

Stannis: Really? You're going to say the LORD OF LIGHT killed Robb Stark? It sounds like WALDER FREY killed him to me.

Mel: The Lord of Light uses strange agents to carry out his will. Sometimes they need not even know they are used. But I can tell you that it is true. We burned three leeches for three kings... and--

Stannis: --and TWO have died, not three. Even I can count that fucking high, Mel.

Mel: Give it time, King Stannis.

Stannis: Time is not something I have plenty of. I need to get moving. I say we offer pardons for the remaining Starks and Greyjoys in return that they bend the knee to me. I need allies to defeat the Lannisters.

Mel: No! I have looked into the flames and I see that they will not bend the knee. Only more pretenders shall rise to claim your throne from them.

Stannis: *grumble*

Mel: You must show the realm your TRUE power.

Selyse: Yes, and for that my dear husband... you need DRAGONS!

Stannis: What? AGAIN with this dragon shit? STOP. Everybody else who has tried to "make" dragons before has failed. Need I tell you about the Tragedy at Summerhall?

Mel: None of the others who tried were willing to pay the true price to raise dragons. None were willing to sacrifice King's Blood! Give the boy to R'hllor and the prophecy will be fulfulled! Your dragon shall awaken and spread his stone wings!

Davos: The boy's name is EDRIC STORM. He's a person and not a sacrificial lamb.


Axell: No! You must do it, your majesty.

Selyse: His very birth was a curse on our marriage! He was conceived by your brother in a drunken stupor in the very wedding bed that was intended for our wedding night! He defiled our bed!

Stannis: Robert defiled our bed, woman. The boy is innocent.

Mel puts her hand on Stannis's arm, all sexy-like. 

Mel: The Lord of Light CHERISHES the innocent, my king! There is no sacrifice more precious to him.

Davos: Wow. That is CREEPY AS FUCK.

Stannis: Well... it would be wonderous to see stone coming to life. I remember the dragon skills in Kings Landing as a child. Before my brother had them all hidden away.

Davos: I urge you not to even consider killing your nephew Edric! No man is more cursed than a kin-slayer.

Mel: You stay out of this, onion knight!

Davos: Why do you need Edric? Huh?

Mel: Only death can pay for life.

Davos: Oh, and how did that work out for Dany and Drogo?

Mel: Huh?

Davos: Yeah, that's what I thought... bitch.

Mel: Stannis! You saw what power a little blood did! Now imagine how powerful it will be if we sacrifice the boy!

Davos: You have no proof that Robb stark and Balon Greyjoy died because of your stupid-ass leeches. It was probably just a crazy coincidence. Besides, until Joffrey keels over and dies... you can't even pretend like your magic has anything to do with this.

Stannis: Indeed. You are short a king.

Mel: When Joffrey died... will that prove my god's power to you? Will you give me the boy then?

Stannis: It might. But it also might not.

Selyse: Don't let this onion knight trick you, husband.

Axell: Indeed. He's a fool. What you need is to burn the boy and--

Stannis: --ENOUGH! I've had ENOUGH of this BULLSHIT. Everyone OUT! Get out of here with your burning kids bullshit!

And so everyone starts to leave. Except Davos.

Stannis: DAVOS!!!! What are you still doing here?

Davos: I just wish to talk for a minute. You know Edric... he's, like, best friends with your daughter. They play together. Imagine how heartbroken she'll be if you burn him!

Stannis: Well maybe I'll burn her too.

Davos: What?

Stannis: Huh?

Davos: I thought you said--

Stannis: --HEY, just LAY OFF with this shit about the boy, okay?

Davos: His name is Edric Storm.

Stannis: I KNOW HIS DAMN NAME. Listen, chump... I am the King of an entire realm. Not the King of one boy. I must do what is best for the realm. That is my duty. Melisandre is convinced of my destiny. She says I am the prince that was promised. She says that I can wake a dragon. Imagine how easily I could fucking conquor King's Landing with a dragon! You know, it's not just Mel who has seen things in the flames. I have too. I saw a vision of a king with a crown of fire, burning him to ash. I saw a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around.

Davos: Freaky.

Stannis: What is the life of one bastard boy against an entire kingdom?

Davos: Everything!

Stannis: Okay. Wrong answer. Get the FUCK out of my face before I sacrifice YOU to the flames like Axell and everyone else wanted.

This time, Davos obeys the order to leave. He knows that he's walking a pretty thin line now with Stannis. 

After he leaves, he runs into Saan. 

Sallador: Hey hey, buddy! So, how'd it go with Stannis and that dragon thing?

Davos: I don't think he'll kill the boy.

Sallador: Good. Because if this mountain is made out of a dragon and it comes alive, I bet this castle will crumble apart with me in it. Forget that.

Davos: No. I mean I don't think he'll do it because he doesn't have it in him. He's not a kinslayer.

Sallador: Uhhh... what about Renly?

Davos: Ah... fuck. Good point.

Sallador: You know, when you were running around the island and talking about how you wanted to kill Mel because she was controlling the king... it's not like you were WRONG. People agree with you, man. Tons of people agree with you. Not everyone is in to this "lord of light" shit.  You just needed to keep your cool and be quiet about it, man. Stop shouting about it.

Davos: Yeah, sorry about getting you mixed up in all that.

Sallador: Meh.

Next, Davos goes to see Maester Pylos. Pylos is trying to teach Davos how to read.

Pylos: It's easy! It's no harder than learning how to command a ship! Any decent Hand of the King has to learn to read! Here. Read this!

Davos: W-wh-while? Wh-

Pylos: "Wu."

Davos: Wu. Wu... tra... tre... tag...

Pylos: TANG.

Davos: Wu... Tang... ca... caa... cla...

Pylos: CLAN!

Davos: Wu Tang Clan an... ain... in...

Pylos: AIN'T! AIN'T!

Davos: Wu Tang Clain Ain't... no... nah... nuuuh...

Pylos: UGH. THIS IS GOING TO TAKE ALL DAY.

Davos: Yes. I'm hopeless. I'm too lowborn and uneducated to learn to read. I should have never been made the Hand of the King.

Pylos: Now, now, Davos. That's not true at all. Many renowned scholars, knights and lords of high birth made TERRIBLE Hands of the King. And one of the Hands that was a simple blacksmith's son was one of the BEST Hands ever.  I'll teach you to read, along with Edris, Shireen and your son Devan.

Davos: Oh yeah, right. Because I still have that one son alive. That's good!

And so Davos starts going to class with Pylos and the kids every day. Rather than going through every single lesson one at a time, we go through an exiting 1980s movie-style montage of Davos learning to read.

One day, the kids all leave for the day.

Davos: Man, that was a rough day. All that book learning was hard.

Pylos: It was "The Cat in the Hat." So it wasn't that bad.

Davos: I'm so tired of books. Do you have anything else that I can read? Something shorter.

Pylos: SURE!  I think I have something right over here...

Pylos walks over to a pile labeled "CONVENIENTLY LOCATED LETTERS FROM RAVENS FROM THE PAST THAT ARE OF VITAL IMPORTANCE TO THE STORY, BUT WERE PREVIOUSLY DISCARDED BY PEOPLE IN POWER BECAUSE THEY DID NOT FULLY UNDERSTAND OR VALUE THE CONTENT OF THOSE MESSAGES."

Pylos: Here you go, Davos. Read this.

Davos: Hrm. *ahem*... It says... "The nig-ight..."

Pylos: "Nights."

Davos: "The Night's Watch sends a war... a war... a warner... no, warning that the Ka... Ki... King Beyond the Wall is he... henk... head... heading south. He has an amy... am... no, army of wilding... wildlings... with him. Lord Con... comm... Commander Mormont is feared dead."  HEY! Has Stannis seen this letter?

Pylos: No. I gave it to Alester when he was the Hand of the King, but he was like, "fuck it. We barely have enough men to help ourselves, let along help the Night's Watch." Then he threw it into this pile here.

Davos: Hrmmmm. What about Mel?

Pylos: Nope. Her neither.

Davos thinks back to the prophesies he was told by Mel. The coming of the cold. The night that never ends. And about Stannis's vision of a ring of torches in the snow with terror all around. He also remembers a story that Saan once old him about Azor Ahai... who tempered Lightbringer by thrusting it through his wife's heart. Is this prophecy coming true? Is Stannis Azor Ahai and is Edric Storm meant to be the sacrificer in place of the wife's heart? Is all this crazy shit on the wall related to these visions of snow?

Davos: You know what, I think I need to read a different letter.

ASoS 53: Tyrion VI

Tyrion is sitting at dinner with Sansa, and the whole ordeal is awkward and joyless. Neither is talking to one another. And Tyrion is already aggravated because the Martells and the Tyrells have been brawling with each other throughout the town ever since the Red Viper and his crew arrived in town. And the Red Viper himself keeps asking for "Justice" for his sister every time he sees Tyrion.

Sansa: If you'll excuse me. I'm not really that hungry. I'd like to go pray in the godswood.

Tyrion: Oh. Would you like me to join you?

Sansa: Fuck no... ah... I mean... you'd be bored.

Tyrion: Ah, true. Plus you'll probably just be praying for me to die anyway.

Sansa leaves.  Tyrion goes back to his tedious-ass job as Master of Coin.

Tyrion: Man, this whole banking system that Littlefinger left for me is a mess. Everyone claims he was such a genius with money... but all he did was make a bunch of high-risk investments in shady things. 40% of our city's loans appear to be invested in Goop. Fuck!

Boros Blount then arrives.

Ser Boros: The Lord Hand demands your presence.

Tyrion: You mean my dad?

Boros: Well... yeah.

Tyrion: I mean, he's my dad. You can just say "your dad."

Boros: *rolls eyes*

Tyrion goes to his father's solar, expecting to just see him. Instead, he sees the ENTIRE fucking Lannister crew - Tywin, Queen Cersei, King Joffrey, Ser Kevan, and even their little yes-man, Grand Maester Pycelle.  Except don't expect me to mention Pycelle again because he doesn't really do anything important in this chapter at all. They all have smiles on their faces.

Tyrion: Oh, what the hell is up with all of you? I didn't even know my dad could smile? What's the occasion?

His Lord Father hands him a parchment. Tyrion reads it.

Tyrion: "Dear Lord Twyin. We murdered Robb and Cat Stark at the Wedding of Edmure Tully and Roslin Frey. Love, Walder Frey."   YIKES... you'd think they would have written this in code or something. This is a bit blunt here.

Cersei: HAHAHA. This is the best!

Joffrey: No it's not! It would be better if I COULD HAVE KILLED THEM!

Tyrion: Shit. Well. I bet my wife won't be happy about this. Whatever the hell she's praying for in the godswoods won't be answered. Probably because religion is a lie created to control society. Whatever. ANYWAY, it looks like Kings are falling like CRAZY this autumn. Huh? Huh? Maybe another one will fall too, huh shithead?

Tyrion elbows Joffrey several times and winks. Which Tyrion will probably regret at his upcoming trial for killing Joffrey. Oh, I mean "spoiler alert."

Tyrion: All I'm trying to say is that it looks like this war is winning itself.

Cersei: Fool, it's not winning itself. FATHER is winning it! He's the mastermind behind all this!

Tywin: Enough bickering, you two. This war is not over so long as there are still troops on the battlefield. The Lords of the Riverlands still fight us, and Riverrun is defended by the Blackfish.

Cersei: Surely the combined forces of Highgarden, Casterly Rock and Dorne will overrun the Northmen! They will see the odds are on our side. They have no king! They will submit rather than choose destruction.

Tywin: Yes. Most will. But not Riverrun. The Blackfish is a fucking badass, man. No way will he ever submit.  Perhaps Seagard and Raventree Hall will not surrender either.

Joffrey: Wait, who the hell is in charge of Raventree Hall? Is that even an important House?

Tyrion: The Blackwoods. And to answer your other question... no... they are not.

Tywin: Although as long as we have the Blackfish's nephew, Edmure, as a hostage at the Twins... I doubt he will fight us outwardly. He will likely stay put in Riverrun. We should be able to pin the Mallisters down at Seagard and perhaps we can bribe the Brackens to switch allegiance, which will take the Blackwoods out of play.  In the end, all will bend the knee. And I am ready to offer them generous terms to do so. I will spare every castle.. except for one.

Tyrion: Let me guess. Harrenhal?

Tywin: Correct. It is held by the Brave Companions. They switches sides, betraying me. That I will not abide. I have already commanded Ser Gregor Clegane to attack the castle and spare no one. Westeros should be rid of the Brave Companions once and for all.

Tyrion: Hahaha, good one, dad! Squeezing the last bit of juice out of the Mountain before you hand him over to Oberyn Martell, huh? Plus that means you can give the castle over to Littlefinger, just like you previously promised. Unless his ship sank at sea. Which I hope it did. We haven't heard about that guy in a while.

Tywin: I will not hand the Mountain over to Prince Oberyn.

Tyrion: ....Whaaaaaa?

Tywin: You heard me.

Tyrion: But you... like... made a promise to the Red Viper. You promised that if Dorne allied with us, we would give them justice for his sister's murder.

Tywin: Indeed. And I will give him that justice... by giving him--

Joffrey: --SHUT UP, EVERYONE! THE KING IS HERE! And I disagree with this whole plan. Offering people generous terms to bend the knee? Forging people who betrayed ME?! I AM THE TRUE KING! They should ALL DIE! WE SHOULD KILL THEM ALL!

Tywin: Uh, no.

Joffrey: I AM THE KING! AND I DEMAND ROBB STARK'S HEAD! TELL THE FREYS TO SEND IT TO ME, NOW! I WILL CARRY IT AROUND WITH ME AND MAKE SANSA KISS IT!

Tywin: No, you won't. Stop being a little pussy, punk bitch.

Joffrey: YOU CAN'T ORDER ME AROUND BECAUSE YOU'RE MY GRANDFATHER! I AM THE KING!

Tywin: Any king who keeps shouting, "I AM THE KING" is no true king. King Aerys never understood that. Which is why he's fucking dead now. You need not worry yourself about matters of war. You need to worry about getting married, taking Maergery Tyrell's maidenhood, and having heirs.

Joffrey: YOU'RE JUST SCARED! SCARED TO FIGHT! YOU'RE A COWARD! YOU WERE SCARED OF KING AERYS! I KNOW! MY DADDY TOLD ME! YOU HID AT CASTERLY ROCK THE WHOLE TIME!

Cersei: I really doubt that Jaime ever told you anything like that.

Joffrey: I SAID MY DADDY! KING ROBERT! NOT LAME UNCLE JAIME!

Cersei: Oh... oh yeah, right. "Robert" was your dad. Yeeeeeaaaaaaaah. Anyway, apologize to your grandfather for insulting him.

Joffrey: NO! I WON'T! I'M THE KING AND WILL BE OBEYED!

Tyrion: Wow, this is finally getting interesting.

Tywin: Ser Kevan, it looks like the Kingey-Wingey is tired and needs some milky-wilky before he gets tucked in and goes to beddy-bye. Please escort him to his nappy-wappy.

Joffrey: NO! STOP! YOU CAN'T DO THIS! I'M THE KI--

But of course Kevan Lannister can do that, because he's a grown-ass man and Joffrey is a little fucking petulant baby. And thus the King is sent off to bed to cry like a bitch.

Cersei: I'm so sorry about Joffrey. He's.... uhh... willful.

Tywin: Bitch, I thought you were going to raise that kid RIGHT. I didn't need another fucking King Robert the Second.

Cersei: I don't understand it at all. He worshiped his father. And for no reason. His father barely paid any attention to him at all. He once hit him and broke all the teeth in his mouth too.

Tywin: Shut the fuck up and get out of here too.

Cersei: WHAT?! But I...

Tywin: I said GET!

Cersei storms off angrily. That leaves Tyrion and Tywin.

Pycelle: Wait... am I still here too?

Shut up. I said earlier that you don't matter in this chapter. It doesn't matter.

Tyrion: Hahaha, wow. Yeah, that kid is a dick, huh? But I don't think you need to worry about having a King Robert II. Robert was a brave and courageous fighter who made allies with his enemies. What you've got on your hands is a sadistic little pussy fuck who will be King Aerys IV.

Tywin: The boy is young. He simply needs to be taught some hard lessons.

Tyrion: Oh yeah, you like teaching kids at about that age hard lessons, huh? Like when you married me to a whore and made me watch as a bunch of soldiers ran a train on her?

Tywin: ...

Tyrion: ...

Tywin: ...

Tyrion: Anyway, back to the war. I take it that this "Red Wedding" thing was your idea. How long had you been plotting this with Lord Walder?

Tywin: Plotting? I object to that word.

Tyrion: I object to being left in the dark about HUGE plans like this.

Tywin: The less that knew, the better. Especially the less alcoholic, talkative assholes that knew.

Tyrion: Hrm. I do like to drink and talk. So maybe that was a good call.

Tywin: Nobody was told that wasn't playing a part in the event itself. Not even your sister. I needed to get rid of a dangerous enemy, and I did so as cheaply and quickly as possible.


Tyrion: Anyway... I was asking you about the Dorne thing before Joffrey interrupted.  So... I was saying... how do you plan to give the Red Viper his justice if you don't give him the Mountain?

Tywin: The Red Viper only knows RUMORS that it was the Mountain that did the deed. He has no facts. I will tell him that it was all Ser Amory Lorch. Who was, as we already know, eaten by a fucking bear recently.  The Red Viper should be very satisfied to hear that was the end for the person that killed his beloved sister and his niece and nephew.

Tyrion: Uhh... but will he BELIEVE THAT SHIT?

Tywin: It was Ser Amory who found and killed Rhaegar's daughter, Rhaenys. Elia Martell and the baby Aegon were just one floor below in the nursery.

Tyrion: Right. And then THE MOUNTAIN killed them there. Not Amory.

Tywin: But he doesn't know that for a fact.

Tyrion: Let's say he is satisfied that Amory killed all three of them. He will still want to get justice against the person that ORDERED the murders. Everyone knows that both Amory and the Mountain are complete, brainless dipshits who couldn't make a decision on their own. No way would they have been smart enough to do that themselves.

Tywin: If the Red Viper asks, I will tell him that Lorch acted on his own in order to win the favor of King Robert. Everybody knows that Robert HATED Rhaegar with a passion. I mean he did murder Rhaegar in a river with a fucking hammer. In order to claim the throne, Robert will have needed for Rhaegar's heirs to be gotten rid of. But Robert thought himself "too noble" to do it himself. Still, the hypocrite wanted those kids dead one way or another. I will say that Lorch was ambitious enough to do the deed on his own, knowing that it would make Robert very happy.

Tyrion: You know, dad... that version of the story... it might just work. Yeah. It might.

Tywin: Indeed. The best lies are based on the truth.  We all needed to prove our loyalty to the new king when Robert took the throne. Do you think Robert trusted the Lannisters? No!  That's why I had to present the bodies of the dead children to him.

Tyrion: Which is totally messed up, man.

Tywin: I did not mean for Elia Martell to be killed. That was a mistake. However, I didn't give the Mountain the order to NOT kill her. And you know how he is. So... here we are...

Tyrion: Still. As plausible and POSSIBLE as your Amory Lorch story is, I bet the Red Viper will still not be satisfied.

Tywin: Whatever. I honestly did not know what either of those brutes was capable of. Did I expect the Mountain to rape and murder Elia? No! Did I expect Lorch to give fifty thrusts to a three year old girl? No. If I was him, I would have calmed her with a few sweet words and then snuffed her out with a soft, silk pillow.

Tyrion: So is a soft, silk pillow what Lord Frey used to kill Robb Stark?

Tywin: The plan was to kill him with an arrow. Killing his mother was not part of the plan, and I meant for her to be a hostage. It looks like from the letter though that something went wrong and that is not the case. Who is to say what happened? I wasn't there.

Tyrion: You know, if Robb was killed at a wedding at the Twins... that means the sacred, time-honored practice of guest rights has been violated.

Tywin: That blood is on Walder Frey's hands. Not mine. Do not assume that this whole plan was mine and done under my orders.

Tyrion: Ah, true. Walder is an old, creepy shithead who is deeply offended by everything which he sees as an affront to him. He hated Robb for breaking the marriage alliance and he's always been jealous of the Tullys. He likely planned the whole thing himself. Still... he would never have gone through with it unless he was promised protection.

Tywin: Yes. That is indeed what he requested from me. And was I supposed to refuse that offer? Doing so would keep him allied to our enemy and prolong the war. How many more men would die on the battlefield if this war continues? Hundreds? No. Probably thousands. Trading the life of one boy for thousands seems like a low price to pay. A boy who defied and made war with us, none the less. The Crown will grant Riverrun to Emmon Frey as soon as the Blackfish yields. Lancel and Daven Lannister will marry Frey girls. Roose Bolton will become Warden of the North and his bastard son will marry Arya Stark.

Tyrion: OH SHIT! Bolton was involved in this plot too? Well... I guess that's not surprising, given that he's an absolute shithead and Lord Walder probably didn't have the stomach to act alone. However... what's up with this Arya thing? That girl has been missing for over a year. I'm sure that she is LONG DEAD.

Tywin: Yes. So was Renly until the Battle of the Blackwater. Sometimes dead people have a habit of coming back alive... just in time when they are needed.

Tyrion: By the way... completely unrelated topic... but my wife was asking me whatever happened to her friend Jeyne Poole that hasn't been heard from in two books.

Tywin: I'm not sure why you're bringing that up now, but while you're bringing up the topic of your wife... Bolton will hold the North for the Crown and fight the other northmen to protect it until the time that YOUR HEIR WITH SANSA comes of age. And that will happen SOONER if you, you know, actually PUT YOUR DICK IN HER.

Tyrion: Oh... yeah... good idea, POPS. When you you think Sansa will be groaning and begging for my dick the most? Do you think it will be before or AFTER I tell her that the Lannisters have murdered her entire family?

Tywin: Before.

Tyrion: No... uh.... I mean.... that was supposed to be a hypothetical question. You weren't supposed to answer that.

ASoS 52: Arya XI

Arya: Hey. Didn't they say that the castle gate is closed? It doesn't look closed to me. Let's go in!

Hound: Uhm... something doesn't seem quite right here. 

An armed party of riders with Frey and Bolton banners storms out from the gates and heads towards the pavilions where the troops that came with Robb Stark are feasting and celebrating.

Grey Wind: HOWL! [Translation: Well, that's it for me, folks. It's been a fun ride. See you all in hell].

Arya: That sounds like Grey Wind!

Hound: Really? You remember what a dog you haven't seen in like two or three years sounds like? Wait... how many years has it been? I always forget the timeline.

Arya: Well, it's more that just knowing the sound. I'm kind of a warg. I become, like, one with wolves. I can feel their rage and grief. It's sort of a Stark thing. You wouldn't understand.

Hound: Well, what I understand is--

Just then, all the tents where the Stark soldiers were staying go up in flames. Arya hears the screams and agony of death. Which sort of turns her on. Come on. You know it does. She's a sick, sick little girl. 

Hound: Fuck.

Soldiers then start riding for them. Clegane jumps and avoids them. 

Arya: Wait. I don't get it. What's happening here?

Hound: Uh, your family is getting murdered by the Boltons and Freys, dipshit.

Arya: Huh? NO WAY! They're on our side.

Hound: *sigh*

A Frey begins to ride for her, in attack mode. So Arya picks up a rock and throws it at his head. Clegane then goes in for the killing blow to finish him off. 

Hound: Give me my helm, girl.

Arya: Okay, here you go. Let's go into the castle now and see my mom and brother!

Hound: Your mom and brother are dead now, you fucking moron. Just look. Look over there.

He points at the tents of Stark soldiers, burning to death and screaming. 

Arya: NO! We need to go inside and save them!

Hound: We'll die if we go inside.

Arya: Well, I'm going.

Hound: Find. You go then. And you'll die.

Arya: Okay. I will.

Hound: Good.

Arya: Good.

Hound: I don't care if you die or not. But stay with me and you'll live.

Arya: I'm not staying with you. I hate you. I'm going inside.

Hound: I just told you that you'll die!

Arya: I heard you. I'm going anyway.

Hound: Whatever. I won't stop you.

Arya: Good.

Hound: Good.

Arya: Fine. That's settled, then. 

Arya begins to go in. 

The Hound watches. 

Hound: *sigh*... Goddamnit. I have to stop her. Don't I?

The Hound chases behind her and hits her on the back of the head with the butt of his axe.

ASoS 51: Catelyn VII

We begin in media res. The wedding ceremony itself is done, and the wedding feast has begun.

Cat listens to the continuous, unending pounding of the drums that the musicians are playing.

Cat: Ugh, these guys are terrible musicians. They have no rythm. And it's too loud. It's like they're not even real musicians. It's like they're a bunch of soldiers dressed up as musicians or something.

The wedding is joyless. Cat is stuck between grumpy Ryman Frey and grumpier Roose Bolton. Robb politely dances with almost all of the Frey women in the dinner, so as to not offend their host. And there the old man sits... the late Walder Frey. Just sitting there on his chair in the middle like a big, deaf asshole.

Edmure: Oh, it's not that bad, Cat! Look how hot my wife is!

Cat: Sure. I guess. Small hips though.

Roslin herself is stiff. Cat assumes that she's nervous about this whole bedding ceremony thing that is to come.

Robb: Yeah, but not everyone is miserable here. Look, the Greatjon is having fun. See?

The Greatjon is with Merrett Frey. They're playing drinking games and trying to out-do one another. Needless to say, the Greatjon is BLITZED out of his mind. After he beats Merrett, he starts yet another drink-off with Petyr "Pimple" Frey.

Cat: Yeah, well I guess Lord Frey isn't being cheap with the wine, at least. This food is awful, but the wine is pouring.

Cat looks as Roose Bolton sits there, barely eating or drinking.

He then excuses himself to use the bathroom and exits. 

Robb: Oh, hey Ser Ryman... is Olyvar, Frey here? You know, he used to be my squire until the Freys all left me after hearing I'd married Jeyne. Now that we're back on the same side, I'd love for Olyvar to squire for me again and ride north with me when I leave tomorrow.

Ryman: Uhh... nope. Not here.

Cat: Hey, isn't one of the Freys a famous and talented musican? Shouldn't he be here instead of this terrible drumline?

Ryman: He's away too.

Cat: Oh. Uhm... okay then.

Old man Frey then slowly hobbles his butt out of his chair.

Walder: Okay, I think it's time that everyone start tearing Roslin's clothes off and everyone watch her and Edmure have sex, am I right?!

Everyone: YEAH!!!! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING! BEDDING!

People then start making sex jokes. You get the gist. Edmure's penis must be a fish because the House Tully logo is a fish and Roslin probably has two vaginas because the Frey's logo is the Twins.

Cat thinks back to her own bedding ceremony. Ah, what a cute... simpler time that must have been! Back when dead Jory was drunk and sexually harrasing her with everyone else from Winterfell who are also dead now. Dead. Dead. Dead.

Most people leave to watch the bedding. Cat stays. She doesn't watch to watch her brother fuck some girl. Eww. Cat sees that Roslin is crying as she's dragged away with her clothes torn off.

Robb stays behind too.

Cat: You know, Walder will probably be offended that you're not watching it.

Robb: He'll be offended no matter what. Screw that guy. He wouldn't even let me bring Grey Wind in here, despite the fact that I super-duper promised that he wouldn't tear anyone's throats out.

Cat goes back to sitting there and being miserable. The music is making things miserable too. They just changed the song to "The Rains of Castamere."

Cat: Wow. What an odd song choice for a wedding. Isn't this song about the Lannisters wiping out an entire family that they were at war with? That's craz--um... 

In the distance she sees Lady Dacey Mormont walk up to Edwyn Frey. Dacey puts a hand on his shoulder.

Dacey: So you wanna dance or something?

Edwyn jerks away quicky.

Edwyn: GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME!

Robb: What the fuck just happened there?

Cat: Uhhh..... something is not... quite... riiii...

She gets up and runs over to Edwyn. She pulls up his tunic and sees that he's wearing mail underneath.

Cat: SONOFA--

She slaps him in his face and breaks his lip. Edwyn shoves her aside, and as she turns to stand back up she hears crossbow bolts being fired. She looks and sees Robb.

Cat: ROBB!

Robb: FUUUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!

He has bolts in his side and his leg. He falls to the ground. Cat looks up and sees that the musicians have dropped their instruments and pulled out crossbows.

She runs towards Robb, and is shot in the back.

Smalljon: NOOOO!!!

Smalljon flips a table over in front of Robb to protect his King.  Three more bolts head towards Robb, but the table stops them.

Robin Flint: Just what is going on h--*is stabbed to death by a bunch of Freys*

Wendel Manderly: HEY! You can't do th---*gets shot through the mouth and immediately dies* 

Cat feels the burning in her back from where she's been shot, but keeps trying to make her way over to her son.  As she does, she watches Smalljon bludgeon Raymund Frey in the head. But as he goes for his sword, a crossbow bolt hits him in the knees and he falls. Some men come over and then decapitate him. 

Dacey Mormont gets an axe to the stomach by Ryman Frey. Donnel Locke and Owen Lorrey are shot with dozens of crossbow bolts. Lucas Blackwood is killed by Hosteen Frey, and some Vance guy is killed by Black Walder. Dacey runs for a door but gets caught. The Greatjon is still passed out drunk and does nothing. Lord Walder watches it all from his seat, enjoying every moment of it. 

Cat sees a dagger near Lord Walder, and starts to crawl for it. Walder's lackwit jester grandson, "Jinglebell" Aegon, is closer to the dagger. But he doesn't do anything. He just cowers. 

Robb: ENOUGH!

Robb pushes the table out of the way and stands up.

Walder: Ah, the "King in the North" arises, I see. Heh, heh. Looks like we killed some of your men. But it's okay. I'll just APOLOGIZE and they'll all come back.

Robb: Oh... sweet. Is that how that works?

Walder: ...

Robb: ...

Walder: NO, I'M BEING FACETIOUS!

Robb: Oh.

Walder: Get it? Because you thought APOLOGIZING to me about breaking your solemn vow to marry one of my daughters would make everything okay?

Robb: No, no. I get it now. I see what you did there. For a minute I thought maybe that there was something magical with the bread and salt that could make everyone live again. I guess not.

Walder: HOW THE FUCK IS BREAD AND SALT SUPPOSED TO SAVE YOU? I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND THAT.

Robb: Well, it's sort of a tradition I guess and... ugh... man... sorry... I can't keep up with this conversation here. I'm sort of bleeding out.

Robb hears Grey Wind howl in the distance. 

Robb:  DOGGO! I get to say DOGGO one last time before I die. And "woofer." And "Doge." Which I pronounce "doje," by the way. I know some people say it's supposed to be pronounced "dogue" like "vogue," or "dog-e" like "doggy." But I go with the "doje" version.

Cat now stands up with the dagger in her hand. She grabs Jinglebell and puts the knife to his throat. 

Cat: OKAY! ENOUGH! ENOUGH, LORD WALDER! YOU MADE YOUR POINT! NOW STOP THIS SENSELESS KILLING! One betrayal is met with another betrayal. Now we're even. Just let my son go!

Walder: Uhh.... no.

Cat: Please.

Walder: Well, I mean that would sort of ruin everything. "The Rains of Castamere" is about the Lannisters wiping out an entire House. So... you know... part of the whole theme here is supposed to be wiping you all out. If I let him live... then it's like the whole training these guys did for song was all for NOTHING.

Cat: They didn't train that hard. These musicians were terrible.

Walder: Well yeah, they are really just soldiers who were waiting to pull out their crossbows. Still though. They did train.

Cat: PLEASE! Just take me as a hostage. You can do whatever. Just let my son go! I promise you that we will take no revenge for this. Scout's honor!

Walder: Bullshit.

Cat: A TRADE! Can't you see that I have a knife to Jinglebell's throat? A son for a son.

Walder: Okay, first of all... Jinglebell is a grandson, not a son. Second... he's kind of retarded. I know that's not a politically correct thing to say... but yeah... look at me... I'm pretty much murdering a bunch of people in cold blood. So whether I'm politically correct or not is the least of everyone's concerns. Do you honestly think I'd trade a retarded jester grandson for THE KING IN THE NORTH? You... Lady Stark... really need to work on your negotiation skills. I mean maybe you should have grabbed my WIFE or something. Hrm. Even then. I'm pretty sure I would let you kill my wife too.

Roose Bolton walks back into the room. 

Roose: Oh, hey Robb.

Robb: Hey Roose. We're sort of in the middle of something.

Roose: I forgot to say. Jaime Lannister sends his regards.

Roose stabs Robb in the heart and twists the blade. He falls to his knees. 

Robb: I'm... so... glad... I... didn't... bring... Jeyneeeeeeeeeeeeee.

He falls over and dies. 

Roose: Yeah. That was probably a good call. DON'T BRING YOUR WIFE, people.

Walda Frey: You brought me, honey.

Roose: Shut up, fatso.

Cat: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Cat slices Jinglebell's neck open and she starts crying.  All she feels is pain and emptiness. She starts clawing at her own face, and draws blood that mixes with tears. 

Raymund Frey: Oh, this bitch is clawing at her own face. This bitch has just GONE CRAZY. Should... should we keep her a hostage like in the plan or what?

Walder: Meh.

Raymund Frey grabs her and slices her neck open.
 
So now she's dead too. So there's that.

ASoS 50: Arya X

The Hound and Arya are traveling towards the Twins in a wagon with salt pork, stolen from a farmer.

Ser Donnel Haigh: HALT! Who goes there?

The Hound: Uhh... a farmer with some salt pork for the wedding. A gift from Lady Whent.

Donnel: Why are you hiding your face under that hood?

Hound: What? Hiding it? No. Of course not. It's just that I'm a poor person, and I know how rich people hate having to look at poor people.

Donnel: Yes. Good point. You know your place, you fucking peasant! Go on and deliver your salt pork.

Donnel waves him through.

Hound: Fucking idiot. You know I've actually fought in tournaments against him before. But of course he doesn't recognize me. Fucking knights. See what I mean about them?

Arya: Whatever. I'm just getting EXCITED! I'm so close to being reunited with my mom after all this time!  Although... you know... I also have been having some crazy nightmares recently too.

Hound: Odd that you mention that.

Arya: I wonder if my mom or brother will even recognize me. It's been so long since I've seen them. And you made me cut my hair short again so everyone things I'm a boy. Hey! Why are we in disguise anyway?

Hound: I'm trying to get my ransom for you. I don't want anyone to recognize you or me and snatch us before I can get that sweet money. I don't trust anyone here. I want to personally hand you over to King Robb myself.

And so they continue to head to the Twins, and as they go by, Arya sees a bunch of flags of the Boltons.

Arya: That Bolton guy was a super crazy murderer. I escaped from him. I wonder if he'll recognize me as his cup girl. Or if he'll think I was responsible for murdering those guards of his. Which I was.  Geez, I hope not. Well, at least my brother and mom will be here to protect me.

Bolton Guard: Hey! What are you two doing?

Hound: Delivering food to the wedding.

Bolton Guard: Fuck that. The wedding is half over, you late-ass bitches. And they have plenty to eat already. You need to go over there and give it to the troops encamped outside.

Hound: Whatever.

So he heads towards the camp, which is still in the right direction. As they get closer, they hear singing and dancing. They are now with all the troops waiting outside.

Drunk Guy: Here's to the Young Wolf and Queen Jeyne! Huzzah!

Ayra: Who the hell is Jeyne?

Then she sees some drunk, celebrating soliders who are definately northerners. 

Arya: Look! Karstarks and Umbers! Maybe you should deliver me to them! They can hand me over to my mom and you'll get your reward.

Hound: No. Fuck those guys with a hot poker up the asshole. Like I said, I'm going to deliver you right to your brother.

ASoS 49: Catelyn VI

Cat is deeply concerned by the flooded river. 

Cat: Why... you can't even ford the river! We're going to have to caulk the wagon and flo--

Robb: --STOP!

Cat: Son... now that we're approaching the Twins, you've got to remember to not let Lord Frey provoke you.  And also... ASK FOR BREAD AND SALT. You need to remember to ask for food so that you have guest rights!

Robb: Yeah, yeah. I know mom. I'll be nice. He can piss in my wine and I'll drink it and say it's delicious. And of course I'll ask for food.  Not that I need to be protected by guest rights. I have an ARMY to protect me!

Cat: I.. uh... I guess.

Finally, they reach the gates to be let in.Ser Ryman Frey comes out to meet them with his three sons. 

Ryman: You're LATE.

Robb: My deepest apologies, Ser Frey. As you've probably noticed... there was a pretty damn big storm. It delayed us.

Grey Wind: *SNARL* [Translation: Oh, I'm going to kill this dude!]

Robb: Grey Wind, what's wrong?!

The dirwolf continues to snarl and act agitated around Ryman Frey.

Ryman: WHAT THE HELL?! You break off your deal to marry a Frey... you show up several days late to this Wedding... and now you have your wolf snarl and threaten me!

Robb: I... I... I'M SO SORRY! He doesn't usually act like this. Grey Wind! Grey Wind! Calm down boy!

But Grey Wind won't stop.

Robb: I repeat my apologies, man. Grey Wind is usually such a good and well-behaved wolf. He only acts like this when he USES HIS SUPERNATURAL SENSES TO DETERMINE THAT I AM IN IMMEDIATE DANGER.

Ryman: Oh... uhm... *whistles and sweats nervously* 

Robb: Here, Ser Rayland Westerling... stay outside here with Grey Wind. We obviously can't bring him in to see Lord Frey if he's going to act like this!

Rayland: Yes, my King. I will make sure that your wolf, which regularly shows supernatural abilities to detect danger and to protect you, is no longer with you as you enter Lord Frey's hall.

Ryman: You know we don't have room for all your soliders either. They better wait outside too.

Robb: Right. Good call. 

Ryman: Ah, good. Come right this way then.

Robb and the party are led into the great hall, where Lord Frey is waiting.

Walder Frey: Well, well, well. Look at Mr. Fancypants King who is SO FUCKING LATE.

Robb: My apologies, Lord Frey.  It was the rain, you know.

Walder: And what's with that fucking crown you're wearing? It looks like a piece of shit.

Robb: This is based on the design that the Kings in the North used to wear back in the day. We don't need no fancy crown.

Walder: Whatever. Now I want you to apologize to every one of my daughters and grandaughters that you could have married for breaking your vow to them.

Walder claps his hands and a bunch of women are paraded out. Athough some of them might be 6 or 7 out of 10... most are like 3 or 4. Some of them are just little girls too. 

One by one, Robb apologizes to all of them for not marrying them. I won't go into any more detail. Walder Frey can't even tell them apart... so why should I?

Robb: Sorry-Not Sorry.

Walder: Good, good. So which one of you assholes is Ser Edmure? Oh... I guess it's "Lord" Edmure now that your stupid-ass father died, huh?

Edmure: It is I, Lord Frey.

Walder: Well. I think it's time for you to meet your wife then now too, huh?

Edmure: Yeah. I'm obviously a bit worried, you know. Since all these girls are pretty ugly.

Walder: Heh. Right, right. So here you go!

Edmure’s betrothed, Roslin, is brought into the room. 

She's a knockout. 10 out of 10. Hot as can be!

Edmure: HOLY SHIT! I mean... uhhhhhh... ermm... pleased to meet you, m'am.

Cat: *smacks lips* Her hips aren't wide enough for good child birthing.

Robb: Jesus mom, you're so obsessed with the hip size of women.

Walder: Well, you giant fuckfaces. I bet you must be tired from your journey, right? You'll probably want to get some rooms and rest for a bit, huh?  If there is no other business...?

Robb: No, that's all. We're good wi--

Cat: ---Ahhhh, actually. If I may butt in. Excuse me. Sorry. I'm very HUNGRY from the road and would like some BREAD and SALT.

Robb: Oh yeah. Right. That.

Walder: Hahaha. You guys and you're fucking bread and salt.

Robb: ...

Cat: ... So are you going to give it to us, or what?

Walder: Yeah, sure. And some wine too! Yes! Have some wine. YES. THE RED WILL RUN. OH YEAH, THE RED WILL RUN.

He serves them food and wine

Cat: Whew! Dodged a bullet there! Now it's IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO KILL US because we ate bread.

Robb: Indeed. See? I don't know why you were so worried. Although that "the red will run" shit was a bit odd. Still. We're in the clear now!

And so the wedding ceremony then goes off without a hitch, and Robb rides north of the Twins afterwards to continue the war. 

No. 

Just kidding. 

They head to their bed chambers. Cat is surprised to see the rooms are so nice for them.

Cat: This is odd. Sure, Walder was sort of a dick. But he was actually less dickish than usual. Polite, you could almost say. For him. Yeah, he called us "giant fuckfaces" and made Robb do some embarrassing apologies. But that was, like, nothing. I sort of expected Roslin Frey to be ugly and for these rooms to be prison chambers.  It's like he's going out of his way to be nice. SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.

Edmure: Well, I'm super glad he didn't give me an ugly wife. I wonder why.

Cat: Maybe she's his favoite. Or maybe he wants to... you know... actually make a good match. Your children with her will be the heirs to Riverrun, after all.

Edmure: If we can even have children. Maybe that's it! Maybe she's barren! And if I don't have kids, the Tully line will die off. Maybe that's it!

Cat: Hrm. I did notice that she had SUSPICIOUSLY NON-WIDE HIPS!  But no... if he wants is descendants to inherit Riverrun, then that would work against him.

Later, Cat goes back to the main hall. 

Cat: Oh hey! You! Is Ser Perwyn Frey here? You know we used to travel together. He was one of my buddies when we went to meet King Renly together to propose an alliance.

Lame Lothar Frey: Ah, alas no. He's away on important business elsewhere. He won't be here.

Cat: Hrm. Walder Frey being overly nice to us. Grey Wind acting weird. My only Frey friend isn't even here. This all seems a bit odd.

Lothar: *blinks and smiles* 

Cat: Do you have a maester I can talk to or anything? It's a personal issue between me and the gods.

Lothar: Yes, it's best to make peace now.

Cat: What was that?

Lothar: Uhh... uhh.... nothing. I mean he's upstairs and to the left. His name is Brenett.

Cat goes to see Brenett to discuss the most important matter of business she has on her mind with a religious official at this time.

Cat: So do you think Roslin Frey's hips are wide enough for child birthin'?

Brenett: WHAT IS IT WITH YOU AND THIS WIDE HIPS THING?!

Cat: I'm just--

Brenett: --Look... her mom looked just like her with the small hips. And she had five children. It will be fine.

Cat: *whew*

Later yet again, Cat goes to meet up with her son. And when she gets to him, she finds him with...

Cat: LORD BOLTON!

Roose Bolton: Oh, hey Cat. Whattup?

Cat: I'm glad to see you made it.

Bolton: Not easily. There was the rain, of course. And the Mountain's forces attacked my men as we were crossing.  They killed many and captured Ser Wylis Manderly. Hahaha... that Wylis Manderly! Always getting captured! This is like the SECOND time that happened. But my men prevented the Mountain's forces from crossing too.

Robb: Mother, Lord Bolton was just telling me news from the North.

Bolton: Yeah, I was. My bastard son, Ramsey, took some of the survivors of Winterfell back to the Dreadfort.

Cat: Have you heard anything about Theon Greyjoy? Is he dead?

Bolton: Dead? Hahaha. No. Check this out.

Bolton hands Cat a flayed stretch of human skin.

Cat: Oh, fucking gross. And yet I'm also kind of sadistic and that makes me happy.

Bolton: Yeah, he's a pretty sick motherfucker, my bastard son. This is some of Theon's skin. My son has him as a hostage. He is the heir to the Iron Isles, after all. He's worth more as a hostage alive than he is dead.

Robb: He murdered my brothers! He should be dead!

Bolton: Well... like I said.

Cat: Gosh, it sucks that Manderly got caught again. You know, since the Manderlys were one of the only houses with Lord Bolton's forces that have been thoroughly loyal to the Starks throughout history.

Bolton: Yes. Very odd how that happened. Very odd how Manderly got left behind. I mean... uhh... "caught."

Cat: So... just to keep a running list here... 1) weather itself is trying to prevent us from getting here; 2) Grey Wind, who has supernatural powers, is acting very agitated by the Freys; 3) Grey Wind and most of Robb's army are being left outside so he can't be protected; 4) the Freys usually always insult us but are acting suspiciously nice to us for some reason; 5) the only Frey who is actually one of my friends is not here; and 6) the forces marching with Bolton left behind all of the houses that were super loyal to the Starks.

Robb: Manderly caught? This sucks! We're losing all these battles. Not any more though, am I right? Not that you're with me now, Lord Bolton!

Bolton: Indeed.

ASoS 48: Jon VI

Jon’s leg wound grows is getting worse as he rides for the Wall.

Finally, he somehow reaches Castle Black. His horse first ride into the armory, where one-armed Donal Noye is waiting. 

Donal Noye: WHOA! Holy shit! Jon Snow! How did you get here? And coming from SOUTH of the Wall?  You know, Jarman Buckwell and a bunch of survivors from the ranging saw you not that long ago... he saw you RIDING WITH WILDLING RAIDERS!

Jon: I... I was acting on Qhorin Halfhand's orders. He told me to infiltrade the Wildlings and learn of their plans. Well... I have learned of their plans! They're attacking! They're attacking now!

Donal Noye: Duh. That's not news, man. Everybody knows that. We've dispersed our men all over the wall to guard it. Mance's men are attacking in several different spots.

Jon: No... that's just it! That's what the trap is! You've spread the Night's Watch thin across the Wall to defend from Mance's men attacking from the north. But the REAL threat isn't from the north. It's from the south! As everyone is spread out... Castle Black will be undefended. I was with the lead attack party that climbed over the Wall and is coming here to attack us. Like... any minute now!

Donal Noye: Wow. Any minute now? So they're right behind you? That's not much warning.

Jon: Well, I had a horse and they didn't. So they might be a while.

Donal Noye: Oh. Well, it looks like their plan to split us up worked really well. There are only 40 men left here to defend Castle Black.  Ser Wynton Stout is in charge.

Jon: Shit. Isn't he... like... 80 or something?

Donal Noye: Yep.

Jon: Oh hey... did you my direwolf, Ghost? Did he come back?

Donal Noye: No. Like I told you, Jarman Buckwell came back with some pitifully small number of survivors.  People like Dolorious Edd and shit.

Jon: Lord Commander Mormont?

Donal Noye: Nah. He's dead. Here man, you look kind of rough. You need to get some help.

Donal helps get him to Maester Aermon to tend his leg. 

Jon: Oh yeah, get a BLIND MAN to perform medical care on me.

Aemon: Shut up, Jon. Here, have some milk of the poppy and stop your bitching.

Jon takes the milk of the poppy. He really needs it because he's been in so much pain for so long with that arrow wound.

Jon: So... what the hell happened? The Lord Commander is dead?

Aemon: Yes. Only 12 made it back. There was a mutiny at Craster's Keep and he was murdered. Bowen Marsh is the interrum Lord Commander until we can have a new election.

Jon: Donal Noye just told me that Wynton Stout was in charge.

Aemon: Yeah. He's in charge here because he's the last knight left. Bowen Marsh is still the Acting Lord Commander, but he's out fighting one of those Wildling armies that is attacking us from the North.

Jon: It's a trap! It's a--

Aemon: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Donal told me everything you told him.

Just then, Jon starts to feel the opium kicking in. 

Jon: I... I... I'm so sorry. I had to break my vows to fulfill my vows... you know. The Halfhand... he... he... he told me to team up to help them find out about the Horn of Winter. So I teamed up with Mance and Styr the Magnar... and... Ygritte... yes... I... I... I broke my vows with her. A lot. I nailed her a WHOLE BUNCH.

Aemon: Okay, you're over-sharing now, Jon. You could have just skipped that part.

Jon passes out. Aemon does some surgery on him and cleans the wound.

When he wakes up again, Pyp and Grenn are there. 

Jon: Oh shit! You two!

Pyp: Yeah, it's us.

Jon: Hey, did Sam make it back to the Wall?

Grenn: Nah, he's probably dead.

Jon: WHAT?!

Pyp: Yeah. He appartently killed one of the Others with that dragonglass dagger you have him. So that's cool. We know that dragonglass kills the Others. But then he was there at Craster's Keep when the Lord Commander was betrayed. He wouldn't leave the Lord Commander's side. The men all abadoned him. So yeah, he's probably dead.

Jon: But he COULD be alive, right?

Pyp: Eh. I suppose. We've sent birds to Eastwatch and the Shadow Tower based on the warning you gave us, Jon. The sentries now know to be looking SOUTH of the Wall as well, ready for an attack.

Aemon: Will you two leave Jon alone? He needs his rest!

Jon: No! I don't need rest. I need to do something! Maybe Winterfell can help us? Has anyone sent a letter to Winterfell yet?! Has anyone told King Robb?

Everyone just stands around looking at him. 

Jon: What?

Pyp: Ah... yeah... about that.

Grenn: Yeah man. You've been gone north of the Wall for a while. We forgot just how long.

Jon: WHAT?!

Pyp: Winterfell has been destroyed. Burned to the ground. Your brothers Brandon and Rickon were murdered by Theon Greyjoy.

Jon: WHAT?!?! NOOOO!!! That's impossible! I just saw a grey direwolf at the Queenscrown where I betrayed the Wildlings. It was Summer... I bet! And if Summer is alive, that means Bran must have been nearby.

Pyp: Well, he wasn't. Because his and his brothers' bodies were skinned and hung from Winterfell for all to see. I know that's kind of graphic and you didn't want to hear it. But stop fighting back on this whole "my brothers aren't dead" thing because they are.

Jon: Maybe... maybe part of Bran still lives on though. In that wolf. Just like Orell did in that eagle.

Pyp: We have no idea what the fuck you're talking about, but if I say "sure," will that make you feel better?

Jon: Yes.

Aemon: Okay, that's enough emotional trauma for Jon today, guys. He needs more milk of the poppy and rest!

Aemon kicks them out and Jon hits up some more of that sweet, sweet opium. He dreams of Ygritte and that cave. But then the water begins to boil her and dissolves her skin away until she's just a skeleton in a pool of thick, red, boiling water. 

Jon: MAN, this milk of the poppy gives you FUCKED UP dreams.

ASoS 47: Arya IX

Arya, the Hound, and the Hound's horse (Stranger) reach a river.

Arya: Oh, this must be the Blackwater because you're obviously a shitty Lannister-loyalist and you want to take me back to Cersei and Joffrey.

Hound: God you're stupid. Please just shut up.

The Hound looks at the river. It's overflowing. It's perilous. No way can the Hound cross it. Not by caulking. Not by fording. Not by paying an Indian guide. Not by--

Arya: I thought we said there would be no more of this Oregon Trail stuff?

I lied. There is. 

Hound: I guess that means the only option left is finding a ferry. Now we just got to find one.

As the Hound is distracted, Arya attempts to murder him. About 14 different times. 

Hound: Please stop that. I will beat you if you do it again!

Arya does it again. Several more times. 

Hound: *sigh* STOP TRYING TO KILL ME!

Arya: Whatever. Beric will catch you soon and you'll be dead.

Hound: Whatever.

And so they keep heading down the flooded, crazy river.  Finally they reach a place called Harroway town. There is a ferry there. 

Hound: Oh shit. Is this ferry still running?

Ferryman: It will cost you three gold dragons.

Hound: THREE GOLD DRAGONS?! WTF?! That's outrageous! This is price gouging!

Ferryman: Yeah, well... it is. All the other ferries are down. We sort of have a monopoly. So we can do stuff like that.

Hound: Fine. I'll pay you. WHEN WE GET ACROSS.

Ferryman: No way. You pay up front.

The Ferryman snaps his fingers. A bunch of his co-workers come out, armed with weapons. 

Hound: You see how big I am, right? I'll kill several of them before I die.

Ferryman: Yeah, but you'll still die.

Hound: How about we just avoid the killing thing all together? I'll pay you on the other side. Knight's honor.

The Ferrymen gives an untrusting look. 

Ferryman: Knight's honor, huh? Well... I suppose...

And so he nods his head. His co-workers drop their weapons and they all head on to the ferry. The other men man the ferry and help guide it through the river.

Arya: I'd rather drown than be taken back to King's Landing. Forget this.

Arya is about to risk her life and jump into the torrent of the river, when suddenly--

Ferryman: --OH CRAP! LOOK OUT!

A giant tree has been knocked down in all the heavy rain and is pushed down the river. It's about to run into the ferry and capsize the whole thing.  The ferrymen all manage to steer and push away the tree trunk in time, but not before...

Guy: *slip*

He falls into river and is washed away instantly into the currents. 

Arya: Well, he can probably just swim to safety, right?

Ferryman: In that water? Hahaha, no. He's dead.

Arya: Oh.

And so Arya decides against jumping into the river to escape. 

They finally reach the other side. 

Ferryman: FUCK THAT. That will be SIX DRAGONS now.

Hound: What the hell?  You said THREE before!

Ferryman: Well... one of my men DIED getting you across. He's worth three dragons.

Arya: Yikes. The value of a human life is apparently equal to that of a single ferry trip?

Hound: It took you long enough to figure out that narrative point, Arya. Yes. Here in war time human lives are given almost no value. People are seen as expendable pawns.

The Hound hands a piece of paper to the ferryman.

Hound: Here you go. This is worth nine thousand dragons.

The Ferryman looks at it. It's a piece of paper that says "nine thousand dragons" in crayon, with a cute little dragon drawn on it. 

Ferryman: WHAT?! PAPER MONEY?! THIS IS WORTHLESS! You promised on your "knight's honor."

Hound: Haha, dumbass. Knights have no honor. Looks like YOU just learned a valuable life lesson too.  Hey Arya, still think Beric and those shitheads are going to catch me now? They better be pretty good swimmers!

Arya: Grrrrrr!!! Joffrey Baratheon, Chiswyck, Gregor Clegane, Dunsen, Queen Cersei, Amory Lorch, Ilyn Payne, Polliver, Raff, The Tickler, Meryn Trant, Weese, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane, Sandor Clegane.

Hound: Why do you keep saying my na--

Arya: --SANDOR CLEGANE!

And so they keep going, now on the other side of the river. Arya starts to get the chills.  The Hound stops to make a fire, but he can't because it's so wet. He still tries feeding Arya. She doesn't want to eat though. 

Hound: Quit being a little bitch, girl. You know, I'm not as bad as you think. I never even beat your sister like all the rest of the Kingsguard did. But I will beat you if you keep trying to kill me.

Arya: You're WRONG! You're THE WORST! Nobody is worse than you.

Hound: Really? What about my brother? He once killed a man for snoring. One of his own men.

Arya: Oh yeah, good point. I know, he's such a dick... right?

Hound: Yeah, you're lucky you never had to meet him.

Arya: Never had to meet him? Of course I've met him. The Mountain caught me and my friends in a villiage and took us hostage. He started killing all the villagers one by one. He's a sadistic fucking murderer.

Hound: HAHAHAHA... OH...  OH... HOLY SHIT! The Mountain CAUGHT you? OH MAN! He must have never realised who you were! OH GOD! THIS IS TOO GOOD! WHAT A GIANT FUCK UP!  I'm going to tell him one day! Right before I fucking kill him.

Arya: Wait... why would you want to kill your own brother?

Hound: Duh. Come on now, girl. You're a sadistic little murderer. Surely you have to be able to relate to that. I bet you wanted to kill your sister, right?

Arya: Uhm.... *shifty eyes*... no.

Hound: Hey look, bitch. Maybe I am a monster for killing that butcher's boy. But I also saved your sister from a mob. She was going to get gang raped and murdered and I ran into the crowd and saved her. What do you think about that?

Arya: Uhmm...

Hound: You're suck a fuckwit, girl. You REALLY think I'm going back to the Lannisters? THE HELL with the Lannisters! I'm done with them. You think this is the Blackwater? No, dumbass. This is the Trident. I'm taking you back to your mother at the Twins for this stupid wedding she's going to.

Arya: Wait... so... Beric was planning to take me back to my mother at the Twins until you kidnapped me so that you could... take me back to my mother at the Twins?

Hound: Well, yeah. Because there is reward money in it. I want to get the reward money instead of Beric getting it. He stole my money.  Hahaha, I suppose you're probably worth TWICE AS MUCH as what Beric stole though. In the end, I might turn a nice profit. Maybe your stupid King brother will even take me in and make you one of his knights as thanks for returning you.

Arya: That will NEVER happen.

Hound: No, I suppose not. So how about you just SHUT UP, stop trying to kill me, and let me take you to this bloody wedding!

Arya: Wait... why did you say bloody wedding?

Hound: I don't know. It's simply an expletive intensifier in British English.

Arya: Still though.

ASoS 46: Samell III

Sam and Gilly arrive at a deserted wildling village.

Sam: Wait… desserted? Does that mean full of dessert! I’m so cold and hungry!

No, deserted! One s!

Sam: Oh. I hope this is Whitetree. I looked at the map and I was trying to get to Whitetree! But I don’t know! I’m pretty incompetent and worthless. I think we could be lost. And I’m running out of food!

Sam prays to the old gods for help, which is totally like Madonna pretending to be all into Kaballah and shit. These aren’t even Sam’s gods. He’s from fucking Horn Hill in the south!

After the prayer, Sam goes into an abandoned great hall of one of the buildings, which is as close as they can get to somewhere covered and warm. They set up a fire.

Sam: I can’t wait to get to Castle Black! There will be so much food and warmth there. And singing! Some of the singing is pretty terrible though. Our best singer, Daereon, got sent to another castle. But you don’t need to worry about that until the next book, I suppose. Pyp sings too. He’s just okay.

Gilly: Can you sing? Sing me a song, Sam!

Sam: All I know is Misfits songs from the album Walk Among Us. What do you want to hear? Nike-A-Go-Go? Mommy, Can I Go Out and Kill Tonight? Astro Zombies?

Gilly: You know what… on second thought, I’m going to take a hard pass on you singing.

Sam: I used to sing as a kid, but then my father would beat me and tell me that it was effeminate to sing. He wasn’t a really supportive father, if you know what I mean. I bet if I told him that I killed one of the Others he wouldn’t believe me.

Sam goes to sleep that night and has a dream that he’s back at Horn Hill. Like Jaime Lannister's recent dream, let's go ahead and say this is not important and space-filler.

Sam: HEY!

Gilly: Is it just me or did it get super cold in here?

Sam: Well, your nipples are pretty hard. I mean... uhh... not that I was staring at them or anything, but--

Small Paul: --Oh, hey guys!

Sam: Oh hey Small Paul, how's it go--waaaaaaaaaaaaaait a minute! Didn't you die a few chapters ago?

Small Paul: *nervous ice sweat*

Sam: AGHHHH!!! YOU'RE A WIGHT!

Small Paul: I prefer "Caucasian," but whatever. 

Sam pees himself and tries to run away. 

Sam: The horse! The horse! Quick Gilly! Get up on the horse with your baby!  AGHHH! CRAP! Where did I put that dragonglass dagger?!

Sam looks all around for the dagger but can't find it. Sam makes all sorts of loud noise, trying to get Small Paul  to pay attention to him and not to Gilly as she tries to get up on the horse. 

Horse: Nay. [Translation: No]

The horse panics and starts running around. This gets Small Paul's attention, and now Paul starts to head over to Gilly. 

Gilly: AGHH!! Protect me, Sam!

Sam: I mean you're probably braver and stronger than me, do shouldn't you be protecting me? I mean I... oh wait... here's the dagger. FOUND IT!

He runs at Small Paul and stabs him. 

Right in the chain mail.

The knife shatters into pieces. 

Sam: CRAP! Do does dragonglass kill wights as well as Others or not? The fact that I broke it on the chain mail means that the answer to this question has been conveniently dodged... for now!

Small Paul turns around and begins to strangle Sam. 

Small Paul: ALL I EVER WANTED WAS A PET RAVEN! WAS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR?!

Sam: Wait... didn't the narrator say that I set up a fire earlier?

I did. 

Sam reaches for the fire and grabs a brand. He shoves it into Small Paul and sets him afire. 

Small Paul: AGHHH!!! DAMNIT!

Sam: Come on... we got to get that horse calm and get going!

They run out and try to get the horse... but soon they see they are surrounded by a bunch of other wights... all brothers of the Night's Watch that died at the fist and other places.

Undead Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWW! It's me, Chett! I'm back! Here to run moonshine across the Hazzard County line! I hope ol' Roscoe P. Coltrane doesn't stop me with his dog, ol' Velvet Ears!

Sam: Oh shit... Chett?!

Chett: I just want to point out that while I am dead now, I technically survived the end of the Prologue Chapter of this book. I am the first POV character in the Jingle of Ice and Fire to survive the events of his own prologue.

Sam: Well, I mean... you barely survived it.

Chett: NO WAY! This is chapter 46! I survived a long time!

Sam: I mean... Chapter 46 is the chapter where we first have definitive proof that you are dead. But you died a long time before this.  You appeared in one of my previous chapters as well, but that was in a flashback to the events that happen immediately after your POV prologue. While it is technically true that you survived your prologue, chances are you only survived for about five minutes.

Chett: SCREW YOU! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! I'm gonna jump the General Lee over a river and land it on you, boy!

And just as Chett (and the other undead characters, who cares who they are) begin to attack Sam, a bunch of ravens come down from the trees and start attacking the wights. 

Chett: AGHHH!!! RAVENS!

They start pecking out the wights' eyeballs and stuff. It's crazy. 

Raven: GO! GO!

Sam: You know, I think it's really cool how sometimes ravens make sounds that sound just like human words. It's fun to think they actually understand English and are speaking with me. Alas, I know they just mimic human sounds that they hear without really understanding.

Raven: NO, YOU FUCKING IDOT! I SAID "GO!" SO GO!

Sam: Oh... oh, right.

Sam grabs Gilly, who is holding on to the baby, and they begin running. But the ravens won't stop the wights forever. They need to find some way to get out of here... and FAST!

And just then... Sam sees a conveniently timed horseman in the distance. And by "Horseman," I mean "Elkman." 

Sam: What the heck?! Who rides an ELK? 


The Elkman is wearing all black, with a cloak that hides his face - the color of the Watch! He steers his elk towards them and comes over. 

Mystery Rider: BROTHER! Here, let me help you.

He holds his hands out to help Sam and Gilly get up on the elk so they can flee. 

Sam: Oh thanks! You're just in time to save us! What a stroke of good luck. I'm so glad that... uhm... holy shit, man. Your hand is kind of black and cold.

Mystery Rider: Yeah, well. They call me "Cold Hands."

Sam: OH SHIT! Are you a Wight too?

Cold Hands: Maybe. Maybe not. But if I am, I'm only... like... half-wight. Like Mariah Carey.

Sam: So just go ahead and tell the truth... you're fucking Benjen Stark, aren't you?

Cold Hands: GRRM has repeated on several occasions that to NOT be the case.

Sam: But he's lying, right? Because remember how I was introduced later in A Game of Thrones after you had already left?  I could have easily have been one of the other new recruits to the Watch that arrived with Jon, but that would have meant I would have seen your face and known who you were. I was really only introduced later--after you already leave on your ranging mission to never return--so that I wouldn't be able to recognize you here in this chapter, right?

Cold Hands: I mean... uhh... that's a possibility.

Sam: You're fucking Benjen, man. Don't even play around.